Why Your Kids Don’t Talk To You, And How To Fix It. Fatherhood Engineered 013
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- Опубликовано: 3 окт 2024
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Quick tip: To get a 9-10 year old to talk with you, make an intentionally incorrect statement about something they like. Works evey time
Found a StackOverflow poweruser
Letting your kid be the expert in the room is rocket fuel. Incredibly high value in building a relationship and their self esteem.
Cunningham's Law
My dad's version of both the drug talk and the sex talk was him, asleep on the couch, waking up suddenly saying a single sentence, then falling back asleep immediately. Literally, "Wear a rubber," and "Don't do drugs." Honestly some of his best parenting moments.
The quality of thought that you put into everything is stupendous!!!!
I always look forward to these posts. There's so much genuine care to not only be this yourself, but share it with others. I also want to note that this is something you're posting about AFTER the fact. You're not some random guru who claims to know these things, and writing books for sale about X amount of steps to being a better person/dad/parent, whatever. You're pulling from real life experiences and observations, and even mistakes, and learning from them, and dispensing them for everyone. Real wisdom comes from putting in the work, and understanding things as they are, not as you'd like them to be. Thank you very much for yet another amazing video. Now, it's time to go be a (better) dad.
You finally pissed me off Jeremy
I am an orphan and got to a point where I despised hearing anything about family spouses and kids
Now you make me curious about some things I managed to avoid
Thanks bro
As if I needed this wait !
Ps. You Mr Jeremy Fielding should be an advisor to all those gatherings responsible for lives of innocent defenseless little black BOYS AND MEN
It is clearly noted they lack your WISDOM and PATIENCE as well as your CARING
well done in helping me heal with so many traumas
mykl-D!
Thank you. I'm not a father yet, but I feel like you're helping set me up for success.
Plus, your videos help me see all the various ways my dad was a good father while not writing off his faults. This video made cry, but like in a good way.
As A grandfather with Teen Grandkids, a Huge Smile on my face. Good Analysis
I like what you said about talking honestly with out consequence. we have built such a great foundation with my daughter (17 yrs old) that every night, a couple hours before bed, she comes out of her room and we just talk, laugh, cry, whatever. its an important part of our day and sometimes on weekends we find ourselves up until 1 or 2 am. I wouldn't trade that for the world. Talk to your children, they will become great adults.Thanks for sharing, this is such an important part of parenting.
I never feel that I give my kids enough time, especially as much as they need or want. But when I am with them, in addition to (trying to) be present, a technique that I started from the first time that they were independent (walking and playing without me or my spouse) is: almost any time that I ever talk to them -- good, bad, ugly, or neutral -- I will kneel or sit down to be as close as possible to their height. Now that they are 6 and 8, I can also sit down on a chair or the floor while they stand taller than me.
The purpose is to make them feel as close to equals as we can in the moment and not fear talking to me openly. I feel that the parent-child interaction during childhood has a component of the child feeling physically unequal to the parent -- and that some strife in puberty and beyond comes from them being physically equal.
I believe that if I want them to interact with me as an equal, then I should remove the barriers to our equality as best as possible. This also includes discussing complex subjects on their level -- with analogies they will understand -- as well as playing and talking to them like their friends might.
Dang, that title is brutally honest. Love your video.
Thank you for blessing me this morning. Time with our kids IS short and we must use it wisely. My kids are just now approaching the age where they give subtle hints that they need my attention and want it. Thank you for the advice. I pray I use it to the fullest.
What's crazy is I thought I was clicking on a real engineering video. From your other channel. I saw you and then saw the last word in your channel name was engineer. So I am glad that I clicked on this video because once I heard you were talking about engineering fatherhood basically or just being a parent in general or being a good husband. I couldn't stop listening. This is right up my alley and thank you for making this channel
I've always found it easier to talk to people when there is a skill being transferred. Either me learning something new from them or the other way around.
I really resonate with this topic because I honestly have a not so enthusiastic relationship with my dad. I am alot older now, 25 and I sense him trying to engage in conversations now and find it hard to let him into my space because we didn't have that kind of history. Sure the best thing to do is engage him back, but the nature of our relationship when I was younger makes it alot harder to do. Watching this I realised somehow that the roles have been reversed, I am the one who's always busy and he with alot more free time, I hope I'll be able engage with him soon, but we still have alot of small talk to catch up on.
We call it the emotional bank account.
You have to have enough emotional savings in the account to carry you through.
A great way to approach the "emotional bank account". Thank you for your insights!
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I’ve been so stupid for so long, this makes total sense and I can’t believe I hadn’t figured it out earlier. New subscriber here! God Bless you and yours!
Got it, brother, thank you. To reiterate about conversations: it is most intriguing to know about how your loved ones perceive life through their point of view and how they reason, regardless of the topic.
nice wholesome advice. It's nice to have this out there for folks to come across. Thanks for the work in preparing and presenting the topics.
Thank goodness you didn’t say “their ESG score on you!” 😂
Love this! I’ve been slacking off (they’re adults). I have to get back to doing this (via a phone call!)
Great insight, thanks! Wish I understood this when my kids were younger.
This one hit the spot,my daughter is 22 looking to go overseas to do her masters, and was asking for my time and i was ignoring her not because i didn't want to but i thought she was old enough to make memories with her friends not realising i still have influence on her life ,after this post i know now i need to pay more attention
I have some friends who are hard-working, thoughtful, generous, honest, etc etc. I also have some friends who aren't particularly hard-working, drink too much, don't take initiative to change their lives for the better (it's not always easy, and just because you can do something doesn't mean that it comes easily to everyone), etc etc -- but let's not focus on the latter group, I just mention it because I have all kinds of friends who have different strengths and weaknesses, and I appreciate and care about all of them for whatever reason.
So, focusing on the former group -- the people who are honest, hard-working, thoughtful, generous, etc. It's clear to me that Mr. Jeremy Fielding is this kind of person. Sometimes I think about these friends of mine, and I think that America would function so well if everyone was like this. Our country could be massively productive, politics would function more honestly for the interests of the common good, democracy would function better, our communities would be safer, etc. Anyway, this is a bit of a rant. Life isn't so simple. Again, people's abilities and weaknesses and personalities and insecurities are varied, and that is always going to be the case among any group of people. Still, I'll say that I can tell that Jeremy Fielding is probably in the top 1% of thoughtfulness and intellectual honesty of everyone in the USA, which is very refreshing and makes these videos worth watching. It makes me feel good about my country to know that there are people out there trying to learn, teach their kids, work hard and honestly. Despite what you might find in the news about violence, crazy intolerance, dishonesty in politics and all the other bad stuff, it's nice to know that we also got some good folks out there in the USA.
As always really deep and interesting, as You progress I taught that it should work with spouses…. then the finally… move me to tears. Thanks for these insights.
Some times it looks like difficult but it's gets better communication with them
Thank you so much for this! Hearing these things talked about in a logical way really helps me get my head around them. The "e-stop" reference really hit.
I have College sons (actually one just graduated) and we have always had and still have good conversations but there is one interesting challenge with talking to adult children. If we have grown them up to be independent, then sometimes, asking questions can be perceived in us exercising review of what they do (challenging their adulthood). There is a transition there and though we never stop being a parent, they do become an adult and how we talk with them has to reflect that.
just one of those mine fields we have to walk through together. :) Speak carefully, and let your behavior reflect trusting them to decide what to do with their life. Not easy if you don't actually like their choices, but very easy if you do I think.
@@fatherhoodengineered Yes, at this point my role has changed. I am now (mostly) past the approval/disapproval part and just sticking to love and support. Somehow that seems easier for me than for my wife. Their context is SO MUCH different from what it was when I was their age, I am not sure I am even qualified to approve/disapprove. Of course all the years of relationship ahead of this has built the context that makes that easier.
I want to sincerely thank you for your outstanding views on life, advice, and everything else you put out there.
Wonderful advice! You are truly blessed & so is your family! Thank you for sharing! 👍
7:30 Damn, I can relate to that big times. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this!
I’m really not sure where you got your wisdom from but I absolutely love it and how you talk with your kids.
I’ve told you many times before how much I appreciate you and what you do but this has got to be one of the BEST videos you’ve done so far.
You are so filled with LOVE and it truly shows.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience’s and teaching us so many things.
Tons of love and respect, Carlos ✝️🙏❤️😊🇺🇸
I love what you are doing. As a father of three (twin 7 year olds and a 20 month old) I can say that I’ve grown and learned a lot through the years. I’ll never be perfect but I owe it to my family to be the best parent possible. Constantly growing and reevaluating are keys to getting there. These are some great tools/concepts for my toolbox and I appreciate it.
I had a pastor once tell me that you have to earn the right to speak into people's lives, you can't just rock up and expect them to be open to you straight away. Unfortunately that pastor didn't practice what he preached and expected me to be open about everything without building up trust through relationship. He knew all my secrets but I didn't know a single thing about him. It was an abuse of his power and authority, and I eventually got sick of it and refused to speak to him.
One sided relationships don't work.
I did this with my kids and their friends. I saw that most kids looked at their parents as rule makers and had the attitude of " when I'm old enough I'm out of here and I will make my own damn rules" I started asking them their opinion on music movies and current events after a while they began telling me what they thought without me asking anything. this lead to them asking me what I thought about what they were going to do. Now 20 years these kids have families of there own I see them doing the same things I did with them. Bring the kids into decisions that you are making and listening to their input is one of the best ways to get them to open up.
God bless you, thank you for this share
One last thing is I can see the happiness that you have because you decided to make this channel by the way there's something in you that just need to make it and you did it. So good for you for following what you feel like you should do. Congratulations on that
Thank you for these human experiences x)
Indeed:
For someone like me that I am getting in to be a father and electrical engineer (without knowing my own father) I am really proud for your effort to make these publications.
Great advice and insight.
Love every video you have made. Thank-you for this!
My family children were to be seen not heard.
Thanks for this!
Not a parent, but there's a lot of good information in your videos that translate into almost every aspect of life.
My boss and I talk on a regular basis so him coming up and asking to talk doesn't trigger any sort of panic or concern; the same can't be said when its one of his peers or further up the chain where interactions are less common. No one likes to have conversations sprung on them without warning by someone they have no rapport with.
So true
Thank you. Some of us need reminders from time to time to actually engage and help mold these little minds.
Speaking of things that are hard to talk about and travelling, when you had the conversation about where you'd want to go, did your color come up at all? When we talk about travelling, we always try to look into how that country feels about "outsiders" and racism.
👍💪✌
Honesty is the key. If we all are like that, then everything is well. And, it's situational at times too, as you described.
Sounds more complicated than even engineering.
Appreciate your wisdom, thank you!
@Jeremy As always, Great Topic... Keep moving onwards
I really needed to hear this, thank you!
4 kids! How do you manage to find the time & energy to physically & emotionally support everyone in the family?
We have just the one 8month old bubs, and I always worry that having another would stretch myself too thin mentally & physically ; - ;
Watch video number one LOL
Hard conversations with kids will never be 100% comfortable (especially with adolescents who are in a contorted state of development) because at some level you are NOT your kid's friend, you are their dad which requires solid leadership and can't come from some pseudo equality of position. Good point that both levels, leadership & friendship need nurture, so both are credible.
Hard conversations with anyone at any age will never be 100% comfortable for many reasons including what you have stated here. I agree. You can't be a complete friend and their parent. I want a good relationship with them where we share things, but I never think of myself as their equal or friend. Maybe when my kids are in their 50's LOL
@@fatherhoodengineered When you are at a restaurant & ur kid picks up the check, is time to start treating him/her like an equal. It may not be 100% true, but close enough.
🌞🌞 👍👍 🌞🌞
I’m just close with my kids. When it’s a sticky issue like sex or something I kinda make it funny… then after I have them laughing. I bring it in n say, “ but seriously ….”
I mean I'm never gonna ask a woman what their favorite sex position is no matter how much small talk there has been. If it's meant to be I suppose she'll show me. :)