Listening to understand

Listening to understand allows us to build trust by showing others we want to learn about their perspective, rather than just sharing ours. It also prevents misunderstanding and frustration, particularly when people are stressed or in crisis.
Listening to understand can be a great first step to defusing tension. When we really listen to understand, we can imagine what they're experiencing and how this might affect them. While it can feel uncomfortable at first, if you learn to resist interrupting or constantly talking, this silence can give people space to reflect and process. Doing this can also help reduce pressure, so they can think more clearly about what they feel safe sharing with you.
93% of communication is nonverbal. What you think can show up in the tiny muscles around your eyes and in your body language. If people get the sense you're judging them, they're not likely to trust you, and communication will be more difficult.
Learn to manage both body language and eye movement by keeping an open mind. It's easy to jump to conclusions, make assumptions, or feel defensive, especially when talking to people in distress. Instead stay curious by silently wondering what else they want to share, rather than trying to solve or fix it.
If you take the time to really listen and understand their experience, rather than jumping to solutions, they'll be more likely to come to a solution themselves, and they'll be much more committed to making that solution work if it's their idea. Encourage them to keep talking and to clarify their thinking by acknowledging what they're saying. You can do this with a smile, a nod, or with verbal cues like, "yes," "OK," "I see," and "go on." Doing this, rather than sharing your thoughts, allows the individual to process as they go.
When they're done sharing their experience and ideas, it's time for you to check-in to see if you got it right. Use language like, [? "let ?] me check in to see if I [? understand"; ?] [? "it ?] sounds like you [? feel--" ?] Don't worry if you agree or disagree. Your task is to understand their perspective.
Make space for the person to clarify what they really meant. Sometimes, when we're upset, we say things we don't mean or respond in ways we don't intend. Until they agree you understand how they feel about the situation, you haven't yet listened to understand.
When people are stressed, experiencing a mental health concern, or are in crisis, listening to understand is the first step. Once you arrive at an understanding of their perspective, you can ask them how you could help. Even if they don't want anything from you right now, they'll feel heard and understood. Be sure to check in with them in a day or two to see if anything changed.