Been living alone for 3+ years now. I just woke up from a dream where a girl I like just leaned her head on my shoulder and fell asleep... I've been lost in thoughts for 2 hours, failing to hold back tears from time to time, mindlessly swiping on dating apps I hate, and when I decide to open yourube to change my mind, I see this in my notifications!.. How did you know!?
It's insane how our society created such conditions where you can practically live without having to communicate and work with other people. Your house, clothes, food, everything is made by other people, but when you buy, for example, food in a store, that connection isn't made, everything is taken for granted. You just have to show yourself at work every day, where you are probably isolated from other people too, everyone is competing for material gains, in that process, destroying possible social bonds. It's all material conditions, at the end of the day. Alienation.
i wish friendly casual touch was much more normalized. since i’ve suffered from touch starvation for so long, i decided to be the “touchy friend” so that i could both satisfy my own needs and let other people be held too. i love holding my friends’ hands or giving them hand massages, and it’s crazy how so many of them are suprised at how great a hand massage can be. even just lightly tapping their palms can give them tingles. i feel like being the touchy friend has let me become close friends with so many different people so quickly because people simply just want to be held by someone else without realizing and that’s really sad to think about :(. i’ve had girls who i don’t know that well come up to me and start convos with me just so they can lock arms with me or hold my hand for comfort, and we’d become close friends so easily. i just hope that platonic physical touch between opposite genders becomes more normalized too because i feel like men have it a bit rougher than women in regards to this aspect. like they’d be seen as gay or weird for touching their male friends while me running around holding hands with my female friends is just seen as cute. one time i was walking with my male friend and i interlocked my arm with his and tried touching his hand which realizing (its become a habit of mine), and he looked at me with such a confused and almost grossed out look. i just paused and was like “oh, sorry. i forgot you weren’t one of my female friends” and left it at that, and felt guilty for intruding on his personal space. later on though he asked me to give me a hand massage so i guess he realized that physical touch is actually pretty great, it’s just a shame that we couldn’t do it so openly because we’re opposite genders.
I used to hold arms with my friends ALL THE TIME in elementary school and middle. Everyday, I just felt so happy and it wasn’t something that I felt shy to do , I just rlly loved to be closed together walking and talking. Now, I would feel so odd if I were to do so, but it feels nice to have someone to initiate hand, arm holding :)
pfft! you know, i was 13 and some guy i was acquainted with walked by me just putting his hand on my knee in passing. i froze and he obviously felt bad and i spent 33 years thinking i was wrong for freezing. i wasn't wrong. keep your hands to yourself, creepy joe
I'm identify as a lesbian, so it's been really hard to feel comfortable being physically intimate with my female friends. When I do, I find that it gets sexualized by men, and I can't help but feel responsible for this sexualization, like in weird, and it's somehow my fault. Honestly, I think it's sad that intimate touch is mostly associated with sexual or romantic intentions. I think it puts people at too much of a dependence on these relationships to feel connected to other people, when their are so many more people they could feel closely to platonically. ( Also I don't think it's fair to put your partner in the role of the sole person that can help you feel connected in this way)
the prison segment reminded me so much of the stints i did in an adolescent psych ward at 14 and 16. the guards were always terrified of us having any kind of physical contact. if you tried to comfort someone, or offered a hug to a fellow inmate who was being released, they’d wrench us apart and you’d be in so much trouble. i saw people put into solitary for being too affectionate (with consent). mind you, i wasn’t even on the ward with the “violent” kids. we were mostly either sui survivors on involuntary holds and foster kids between homes. none of us has done anything even a harsher bystander could think of as justifying that level of policing our touch. it was so sick, and now i have to wonder if it contributed at all to my simultaneous wariness of and aching need for touch.
yeah, it was like that in hutchings. only it didn't stop funny shit from happening. like staff member fritz shook 15 year old janice's hand that way where you tickle the palm, and 15 year old stephanie told me nurse peggy has a happy trail, and probably worse shit i never heard, but neither did the people who interview everyone on the ward when this shit happens
Along with seggs fears, I bet they didn’t want you forming bonds or solidarity The system we live under is poetically able to destroy any bottom-up human. Often without the grunts/guards even knowing why
...that sounds unbelievably stupid. It honestly sounds like it'd make something like depression worse. What was wrong with the people who made those rules?
I have ASD, and while physical touch often makes me uncomfortable, I’ve always desired it from a select few who I felt I could really trust. When it turned out I couldn’t trust them at all, over time, I found myself dissociating from being touched. An old flame once snuck up on me in public and embraced me tightly. I immediately went totally numb and mentally checked out. I hope I can overcome this one day as I still desire physical touch all the time, just too scared to put myself out there again.
ASD here as well, and I've never really felt comfortable being touched and never had anyone I trusted enough to do it. I let my family hug me a few times a year but I've never felt the need or desire for it.
@@sine8811 I like touch but mostly in a romantic context, so a family member hugging me just feels awkward to me most of the time. So I’m left wanting touch from romantic interests but bad experiences with them has made me more averse to touch even in that context.
I know how you feel my trust was also betrayed and it takes time to heal, I haven’t fully put myself out there yet but when I do again it will be to prove that others will not steal my capacity to trust and see the beauty in others from me.
Co-regulation is pretty fucking important, and physical touch is a huge part of that. Hominids are snugglers, we can't tech our way out of it. We need to accept ourselves more as a species.
The following comment is satire. But how else are we supposed to make bank from our new SnuggleBot 9000, with plans starting at just $19.99 a month for 3 hours of no-strings platonic cuddles!
We don't even know our own species, we don't know who we are. We think ourselves so separate from nature and animals that we don't listen to our own bodies. We think we can use our intelligence to out-think everything. And we structure our societies in a way that helps us achieve false goals and adhere to false values, and ignores our actually true human needs.
Whoof, the call-out in the beginning lol. Realizing that watching video essays is probably the closest thing I'll ever experience to having long, meaningful conversations with ppl with similar interests as mine, followed up with the closing reminder that there's no one close to me to spend the holidays with. A lot of right stuff in here I guess, good to spread awareness, but this felt awful to watch.
go outside. talk to some strangers. that guy on the corner has no where to go. what? do you want him to freeze? oh. not your problem? well, fuck that no one'll touch you!
you can try to find (or create!) online groups with people of similar interests to yours to talk! and if you wanna do it in person invite them to go somewhere together if they live near or join a class or activity related to what you like in your city to meet people!!
@@intellectually_lazy I hate to say it but a lot of homeless people have tons of issues and are the cause of their own issues. Usually drug addicts, thieves, abusers, etc.
I always hold a pillow by my side when I sleep to imagine myself being by someone. I live with my parents who I have a lot of trauma with who won’t acknowledge their wrongdoings yet those are the only people who I see on a daily basis and have some semblance of physical affection. All of my friends are either out of town, or are too busy/have incongruent schedules with me.
that 6-7% stat about prisoners in solitary confinement shocked me. That's ~140,000 people that are going through compulsory torture backed by the government. That makes me sick. Have you ever tried counting that high? every number, every moment that passes, that's a person. Impossible scale to empathize with and even still i find it disgusting that this could happen. awful.
Adding the nuclear family as an ever-isolated lifestyle as opposed to actual community, and general amatonormativity reinforcing it as the aspirational norm everyone should aspire to. For people left out of it for whatever reason, physical touch is seen as so intimate as to be inappropriate with anyone other than people we're deeply connected to, and maintaining any bonds that aren't romantic or familial is harder and harder to do once couplehood and nuclear family get involved. Everyone ends up getting more isolated from each other by trying to maintain these work-intensive normative social structures.
I think you’ve hit one of the nails on the head there. It’s something I’ve seen *starting* to break in my corners of the internet- people being down for platonic cuddles- but my corners are like really queer so the straights probably have it like 100x worse.
@@ringsystemmusic Thanks, I really can't take credit for coming up with it, though. My corner of the queer community is pretty focused on this stuff, since it affects us a lot. I've just seen several RUclips videos in the past week or so get close to it without going into that aspect directly, so I thought I'd drop it in the comments. But yeah, let's just say, lockdowns really didn't change my social life any and physical contact with anyone outside my family tends to get interpreted as flirting, which is just a big nope, so I pretty much only hug my mom when I see her like twice a year. The touch starvation is real.
It's almost like The Nuclear Family was created to breed mental illness and keep future generations financially dependent on previous ones. All while brainwashing them to think that their kids are a burden.
Just the other day I was lost in thought over this topic, but as it pertains to psychiatric wards, and about how cruel it is that in mental hospitals you can be reprimanded for touching other patients no matter the context; even if the touch is consensual from both parties... Even if you are trying to comfort another patient who is crying by simply rubbing their back. Just like in prisons, in psych wards absolutely zero hugging is allowed... in a place where that sort of therapeutic touch is most needed in my opinion. It really angers and frustrates me to my core how little those who haven't been involuntarily committed know about what a psych hold even entails. You don't even really see a psychologist at all. They are there once a week and see you for 15 minutes, not to get off track here but it contributes to my overall point that we as a society genuinely have a long ways to go in the ways our mental health infrastructure/institutions are governed. It's all just harming more people for some select few to profit off of the collective suffering of the many. I would definitely love to see you further break down the topic of institutionalization through the lens of both the mental health and prison systems as i feel they aren't really all too different when you hear stories from people who have been forced into one, or both. Not many people I have seen really delve into the topic of how inadequate and damaging a psych hold can be. It's definitely never been beneficial for myself in the long-term. Great video as always :)
This just reminded me of a kind of sweet memory I had forgotten all about from my time in the psych ward. There was a girl in our unit who was crying uncontrollably after hanging up the phone during a conversation she was having with her incredibly young, age 2 or 3, son. He had been being grumpy about staying on the call and wanted to go play, and when his grandparents tried to make him talk to his mom on the phone, he just had a meltdown, unintentionally hurting mom's feelings pretty bad, at a time when she really could have used the support from loved ones. Myself and another girl took it upon ourselves to drop what we were doing and to go hug her. Immediately, the staff on the ward started telling us off for touching each other. Without hesitation, at the exact same time, I told the worker to "fuck off" at the exact same time the other girl helping comfort flipped him off. He looked kind of surprised and took a half a step back, let us continue for about 30 seconds, then actually had to break it up. It's awful you can't even get the most basic comfort in a place that is supposed to help you
I feel a special type of way about this as someone who's heard from so many people who were inpatient, that they had risky, unnecessary, or even nonconsensual sex in the hospital, in bathrooms or by sneaking into other beds at night. Most people who have told me this said they first only snuck into someone else's bed to cuddle, and then they were kind of like well we'd get in so much trouble just for cuddling, we might as well. A friend of mine was only 12 or 13 when they lost their virginity to a girl in impatient, and then that girl acted abusively toward them and derailed their healing during their hold. Trying to prevent a building full of young, scared people from touching each other normally will just make them do it secretly, where they're most likely to make bad choices and get hurt doing it.
I didn't even realize hugging something while you sleep was a skin hunger thing. I've got a giant teddybear I usually hug at night, but when I don't have that I usually hug the blankets because I can't stand to sleep without something to hold
I am touch terrified. I won’t go into it but I have been touched as a child. Inappropriately. Now I am terrified of it and crave it at the same time. It’s starting to cause real damage to my mental health and yet, it’s a threat and makes me feel like I’m in danger if I’m touched even by somebody I trust. It’s wild
I would suggest seeking help from a psychologist. As for touch, try making an appointment with a hairdresser, it is a way to receive touch in a safe public environment that does not feel threatening.
Thank you for your courage to express something like this, I’m sorry to hear how frustrating it is to have that dilemma. If you have time, I would encourage you to check out Somatic therapy exercises. It’s may help with CPTSD /PTSD symptoms as it’s focused on responding and working with the body as it holds trauma rather than conventional talk therapy which may be more helpful in working with both the cormorbid touch starvation and CPTSD symptoms.
I'm 30 now and apart from a few hugs for greetings, I never experienced physical touch. Sometimes I'm thinking it's for the better that I never experienced it, so I don't know what I'm really missing. Apart from the fact that I don't know anyone I would want to do that with, I think this situation would be more than overwhelming for me and I don't know how I would communicate this, or whether I even want to. Lately I'm just telling myself that I'm almost half way thou life without it, so why even bother now.
same but I'm 21, never truly experienced it which is probably why I don't have an active need for it either, whether that's a good or a bad thing, who knows
zoom school kicked in when i was 16 and my depression got really bad. my mom could see that i was suffering and she'd say that she loves me and she'd hug me. but id just feel nothing. even now that my mental health is medicated and under control, when i'm hugged or initiate hugs I'm mostly just doing it for their sake. smiles too.
i have an immune condition that makes me severely allergic to artificial fragrance, many chemicals, most foods, almost all dyes, and a LOT of other things that are found in laundry detergent/clothes/soap/lotion/hair products/etc. Because of this, i can’t spend much time in physical contact with anyone. I get a quick hug every few days from my mom, and i get a massage for 1 hour every month, but that’s usually all the physical contact i get. When i see friends i’ll give them quick hugs too, but this month miraculously my treatments were working well enough that I was able to snuggle with a friend. We just sat there holding each other for a few hours, and it felt so foreign but so, so nice. I doubt i’ll be able to do that again soon, but it reminded me how important physical touch really is. I’ve always preferred being alone, but being with others every so often is vital. Hug your friends, y’all. it might make you feel a bit better. 💚
You're still getting more touch than I am. I generally get hugs on a schedule of more like a yearly basis, and even then I've skipped years. Last year I actually got multiple hugs and it was revolutionary, all around the same time though so it's still a huge gap. I'm only 19 and this has been the case since I was 10 at the oldest.
This is a topic that is important yet is almost never spoke about. The feeling of touch-starvation is very crushing in a way thats hard to describe and also seems to be getting far more common.
Got in an argument with some idiot about how cuddling isn't always sexual. He was like, do you cuddle your male friends? I was like no. But then adults don't cuddle much anyway. Children cuddle. Parents and kids cuddle. There's also more than kne way if cuddling. Cuddling up on the sofa is intimate, but it's not inherently sexual unless your definition of cuddling is always crotch to butt. You can cuddle side by side. That's not sexual. We as men in particular, cuddling argument aside, just need to be way more comfortable with touch and same sex intimacy. I think it's a big driver of so many of straight men's issues. All that desire for intimacy is forced on our intimate female partners. They shouldn't have to bear all of that. And we also need to be able to separate intimacy from sex. So many dudes are sex hungry and push their partners away because for them sex is the only way they know to get intimacy. They don't even feel comfortable doing it properly inside a relationship in a nonsexual way. Which is part of, I say part of but not all of, why I think so many guys are sex obsessed. They have nothing else going for them.
I remember being at a friend's house and we were gonna watch a movie. I just randomly said, anyone wanna cuddle feel free and her male roommate was like eff yeah. And we just cuddled and watched the movie, while making dumb comments about the characters decisions. Another time, he had a female friend over and all 3 of us cuddled and watched tv😂
I've always cuddled my sister, and I've had people imply it was incestuous especially when I presented as a boy. It disgusts me and makes me sad that people think that sibling affection like holding hands and sitting closely on the couch is morally repugnant past a certain age. Everytime my sister visits I get so much dopamine because she's the only one who will platonically touch me. Everyone is so starved for physical touch.
Anyone who wants non romantic touch that lack friends I would suggest volunteering at long term care facilities and visits to the elderly. They often enjoy and need human contact as well and it is an available outlet that would alsp benift your community. As a healthcare worker I often feel the opposite of touch starved and feel touched out. Just a suggestion.
Caveat: if you are an AFAB person, do NOT do this; old men can be shameless and vicious knowing that they aren't seen as a threat and will experience no repercussions. Keep yourself safe pls
I got a fantastic partner, and we’re super cuddly and close. I realized how important that was to me, so I hug all my friends now. I can feel some of them, mainly men, react by holding on while hugging. I never thought about it, but I’m probably the only person hugging them. It makes me feel so sad that we don’t hug each other more as a society.
Im in my early 20s, and ive never felt so lonely. I struggle to maintain friendships and often feel like socialising zaps my energy pretty quickly. Im not very close with my family either. I so desperately want a sense of community in my life but i dont even know where to start. it feels like where i live (uk) is set up against the formation of meaningful communities (?)
i feel like political originations nowadays are the only way to have community… NEW community id say, cuz if your parents have community, the communities children will be YOUR community,
I’d suggest finding a church! If your religious it’s great and if not there’s some church’s that welcome anyone of any faith (I go to one). I know in many peoples mind it’s seen as something bad (because of religious extremists and being forced into believing something) but I promise you if you do some searching you’ll probably find a community very easily! :)
@@justachannel8600depends on the views of organization. And if they are just larping or doing something helpful to people around them. Oh, charity organizations are another good idea!
at first I was making up senarios in my head where someone was close to me, then I started to listen to ASMRs, then I started to hug my pillow and now sometimes when I'm alone I catch myself caressing my own face like if someone else was doing it to me. The feeling of loneliness and touch starvation is so bad, it's always present and it can't be completly supressed. It feels like I am failing as a human being, like if I was doing something wrong all the time. It breaks your confidence and turns you into a negative person. It drains a lot of brain power to combat these feelings and on certain days, like chrismas and new year eve, I just can't combat it and I always end up crying myself to sleep. I've done so much to try to be loved, I workout alot, tried tinder, I developed myself emotionaly, I have convictions and values that I stand for, I treat people with respect and empathy, basicaly I forged myself a personality that I am proud of, like everyone should do. but deep down I always feel like a 12 years old kid that wonder if he will ever have a girlfriend. It feels so fucked up to be an adult with the dating experience of a 12 years old. I feel like I reached the point were I am simply just to far behind others to even be considered like a possible partner and I am not mad at womens for it, I get it we all have our problems and no one has time to fix someone else, especialy when the "problem" is that big (I basicaly never even kissed someone in my life). But this feeling of loneliness is just getting stronger every day and I know that I won't be strong enough to live my whole life with it. I don't want to have the life path of one of these people that dies alone in their appartement and end up only being discovered 3 years later only because of the smell of their corpse.
You're not alone. I'm 26 now, and never had a girlfriend nor intimacy with a girl. I guess for some people it doesn't works. They will probably never be wanted by someone. I try hard to accept this, but it's hard, for sure.
@@aceleracionistanoturno I don't think it's something that you can really accept, were supose to be social animals after all. I just try to remind myself that being lonely doesn't make me a bad person, violent husbands have wives for exemple. and it's not like having a girlfriend would make me happy 24/7 anyway, but I still would really like to be part of someones life, it kinda make you feel "worth it" when someone loves you. I really need this in my life at the moment. Anyway we all end up at the same place at the end of the day, we shouldn't worry to much lol
Same. Well I had sex, barely, but never had a girlfriend or a relationship or anything I don't feel like killng myself now but I don't know how long I will be able to withstand having my childhood and teenager years stolen from me and never have real love I don't want to grow old (25 now) knowing that I lost my youth without having the only one thing I truly wish for in this life
ever since i was a young teen, hugs from my parents stopped feeling safe, so i started doing little things like hugging and patting myself and pretending it was someone else. to this day i still have those behaviours and i only dress in soft, loose clothes so i can feel safe and have safe textures to touch when going outside. i've been so lonely that when i finally started dating i was too physically clingy and ruined the relationship extremely quickly
I think there’s another layer to being touch-starved related to a person’s history with SA and other times in which their bodies have been violated. It’s hard to trust someone to touch you when that trust has been exploited before.
Which is why we need to heal ourselves first. I’ve worked on myself being touch averse because of an incident. I stopped self pitying myself and wondering why nobody wanted to help me and helped myself and now I am slowly opening up to touch more.
I like the name "skin hunger." Partially because it sounds like something from a schlocky B-horror movie, and partially because, at least for me, it is extremely descriptive of the actual feeling. It does feel like my skin is hungry. It's a very weird feeling.
I’ve always been touchy with my family: hugging, cuddling, flitting around giving pecs on the cheek. I didn’t really understand how important that was until I graduated high school. There was a girl younger than me in my theatre class who gave a certain group of seniors a parting video message, and in mine she told me how much my casual platonic touch helped her. I don’t know her whole situation, but she grew up Jehovah’s Witness, so that might have something to do with it. Basically overtime I cured her touch aversion, and I didn’t even know I did it. After that, it’s sort of in my personality that my main love language is touch. (My senior superlative was “most likely to give you a hug.”) I don’t know if it’s really this, or if so many people are touch starved/touch averse that it’s just less common for people to use that love language? In college, I’m part of a Swing Dance club. Partner dancing, so people touch inherently. At the end of this last quarter, this is the second year with this group, we had a Friendsgiving as well as finals study session in place of our dancing. I initiated a cuddle session, which at some point got up to about 10 people, but there were about 3 of us who literally cuddled for like 2 hours, and one guy for the WHOLE time. It was so nice. And near the beginning he was like “How to cure my touch aversion in point-2 seconds haha” but it really was wonderful. We were chatting near the beginning and he was like “Wow maybe I really do need a girlfriend,” and after a minute I said “Do you need a girlfriend, or do you need your friends to cuddle you?” And that made him think for a minute lol So yeah touch is so important, there’s just something about it that nothing else can accomplish. And people are scared to initiate it so often, so they never do. I’ve evolved to be a person that initiates things, because I realize how much other people just won’t even when they want to, because they’re so worried about everything. Obviously only do things with people’s consent, even platonic touch of course! But yeah the biggest way to be fulfilled in life is to have a solid community, and a big step in that direction is through physical contact.
Two words: social dancing. Best way to practice safe touch in a socially acceptable way with a wide variety of people of all genders. Dancing has been instrumental in helping me combat feelings of loneliness. I haven’t felt truly lonely in over two years now. If you live somewhere that has a good dance scene, definitely recommend looking into it.
I used to be a very touch starved person until I had the realization that I should just be that person for other me. It hit me when my great aunt would be just so affectionate during casual conversation, rubbing my back, hugs, it was so nice. I instantly became attached to her even though I’ve only gotten to really know her for one summer. Now I love hugging, backscratching, and just being gentle with my friends and that made me all the more closer with them.
I’m like Claire from ‘Fleabag’ when they go to that retreat and she shudders at the thought of touching her sister’s palms and yet I want to hold a cute guy, wear his hoodies that are way too big for me and flap the sleeves.
Holy crap this video is so on point. Its taken me my entire 22 years on this planet to finally run into a friend that showed me what positive physical touch can feel like and look like, and im a completely different person as a result. I dont ever remember being held by my parents as a child, and never got a good hug when I was down. And lonliness went hand in hand with my suicidal thoughts years ago. Community is everything, and I'm tired of pretending it's not. All I want out of my personal success in life is to pour it back out on my loved ones.
I'm autistic, and this has been a major factor in my loneliness for most of my life. I've always struggled with making and keeping friends. I hate the idea of a friend group now because every single one I've ever been a part of gasses me up with a temporary sense of belonging and or love bombs me, only to ghost me around or at the same time, and it has almost always been around the holidays. I understand and respect that people get busy and have lives of their own, but it's to a point that they would just stop talking to me altogether and I'd never hear from them again. I've realized as well that the same things about me that draw people to me are the same things that repel them. People may find me "eccentric and interesting" at first, but eventually they find I'm not just trying to be quirky and different, I am inherently and involuntarily different, and or I am like a mirror of their own unconfronted baggage. I don't understand why people can't just be honest about what they're capable of. Why gas me up with, "I'll always be here for you," and, "I truly value our friendship," if you aren't capable of being a friend, don't truly value your feigned platonic connection to me, and know you will stop talking to me immediately after telling me you'll always be around? I'd respect it much more if people were frank about not being able to be a friend in the long run, but instead they run away from confrontation because it's easier to make a French exit than being sincere and letting me know they just aren't capable of being a long term friend to me. I have had one good friend for over a decade now, but for reasons he can't help I hardly ever see him. There are one or 2 other friends who are more of acquaintances, as I am afraid to let my walls down because I don't want the same thing that has happened before to happen again. I've starved for platonic company most of my life, and I wish I knew how to relate to people and have that sense of camaraderie I've seen among others. I understand if this is too long to read, but I thought it was relevant to the subject in this video. I'm sure others can relate to this in their own way.
i think my mom’s mental health improved a lot after she got a dog. i see her always hugging the dog and being affectionate, and the dog wanting pets & cuddles, which i think helps with the loneliness of living by herself, partially because it helps with the touch starvation
I have been lucky to have a close queerplatonic friendship for most of my young life, so last year was the first time since 9th grade that I spent around a year without being physically affectionate with anyone, and it was really affecting me. I'm autistic and the amount of times I harmed myself trying to regulate my emotions during that time was definitely related. I was bashing my head against anything I could find when I got overwhelmed, and that's something I very rarely did before, even as a child. Very glad that I now share a bed with said queerplatonic friend again 😅
(and its funny because based on this it sounds like I'm very touch forward and I've met a lot of ASD folk like that, but not me actually! I'm trying to get better but I'm very reticent to initiate touch, likely partly because due to the autism I know that I can't reliably "read a room" so to speak and am nervous about acting inappropriately. And when I was in school it was an issue for some that I was fine being physically affectionate with my closest friends, but nobody else. There was a girl who considered us friends who was consistently really hurt that I didn't want her to hug me or touch my hands and arms, and generally people would question why they had different "rules" for touch than my best friends. That sort of thing definitely isn't as simple as really liking to be touched vs really hating it but people seem to expect it to be that way.)
@@bogboybogboybogboybI understand this a lot, as an autistic person myself. If I open any of my boundaries to someone, I really mean it. This just seems to confuse some nuerotypicals who have simpler boundaries and preferences.
To anyone who plans on touching people more often, even if it's just touching their shoulder or arm, I encourage you to do so but also pleeease ask the person what they're comfortable with first. Some of us have very strong averse reaction to different kinds of touch and if you don't know which one you might think we hate all forms of contact when it's not the case. For example, I'm fine with hugs as long as you don't grapple me tight or for too long, but touching me out of nowhere for like a tap on the shoulder or back or grabbing my arm is an absolute no. Playing with my hair or having me play with yours is very welcome. And that's just a few examples from me, everyone is different! If at any point you approach someone and you see them step back, do not go further. If someone pushes your hands away, please read the room and don't insist or double down. And one last thing, hugging people isn't necessarely a habbit for a lot of us, but just because you don't see us hugging doesn't mean you can't ask us for a hug! Many of us will gladly give you one if you ask 😊
!! This!! I mentioned this in my own comment but when I was in school I knew a girl who would come up behind me and hug me tightly by surprise, and wouldn't stop doing it after I asked several times. A friend of mine had to be really stern with her and threaten to get school faculty involved to get her to stop. After that she'd ask me for a hug nearly daily and was always really pouty when I said no. Don't do that! By no means should anyone be forceful or guilt trippy about physical touch.
Infants suffering from a lack of positive touch often fail to thrive, lose weight, and on some occasions have even died. Just because something is important in infancy it doesn't mean it stops being important in adulthood. I think there are some serious consequences from our isolated lives.
its almost as if we are evolved to live in packs, all caring for eachother and the others in our pack. this society is absolutely not designed to promote physical touch in the slightest. its usually only socially acceptable to be touched by or touch our partners in this society which i also think s fed up. the book radical intimacy is a rly great read about this, would reccommend. go hug ur friends guys
Almost? Evolutionary, we quite literally evolved to live in communities/tribes. Loneliness evolved as a mechanism to keep us together, as separation most certainly meant death.
I also miss the times when you had to choose between complete conformity to the community you were born into or starvation. It was so much more humane.
At first, I didn't even realize that I was touch starved. I only let certain people hug me so I thought " I probably just don't like hugs". Boy was I wrong. A few months ago, my besties and I finally met up and did a group hug. When I tell I you I didn't wanna let go... For the first time in a very long time, I felt safe, all the built-up anxiety just disappeared. I'd give anything to do it again. Unfortunately, we're all busy either with school or work and rarely get to hang out. I miss them so much...
I'm sorry but these comments genuinely do not help and add no value to the topic. Asking to touch other people with their permission is literal common sense and those who do not abide by that are the exception, not the rule. It's like saying "make sure you knock before entering someone's home!" like... obviously? Why did you feel the need to comment this?? Again I'm sorry, but Jesus H. Christ this is part of the reason why people are so weird with each other now, someone always has a problem with something. It's exhausting dude. Like, yes, ask permission, but we know that already--the only one's who don't are literal children who are still learning, and creeps who we obviously stay away from
@@twinkincarnate what universe do you live in where people never go in for hugs without asking, or put their hand on your arm during casual conversation? I'm not suggesting someone needs to ask my permission to tap me on the shoulder to get my attention---though I'd rather they tried using their words first, since unexpected touching often makes me jump. in my experience, though, people often take for granted that social touching to convey warmth, etc., is universally appropriate, and don't "read the room"--i.e., they don't notice the ways in which someone's body language conveys the size of their "personal bubble", or ignore physical reactions that imply their touch is only being tolerated, not appreciated. no one's perfect, and I graciously accept social touching in everyday life because I appreciate the good intentions behind it, but I think it would be awesome if mindfulness of people's physical boundaries became the norm in all social interactions, both in and out of the bedroom. also, don't say "I'm sorry" when you're not, and proceed to insult someone. that's really passive-aggressive.
@@IlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIl. Right.. Okay, i’m just going to say this-since this seems to be going nowhere fast, and I don’t feel like debating this back and forth when I know we won’t reach common ground-no one was insulting you, at all. Just because someone expresses frustration and disagrees with you, does not mean they are insulting you. Two things can be true at once. I understand where you’re coming from, because, I don’t like unsolicited touch either, I don’t think anyone does. However, that doesn’t negate anything I said. Touch-starvation is a major issue and is causing detrimental effects on a lot of us, clearly, whether we realize it or not. The universe I live in is called ‘the real world’ where people communicate (or atleast should) boundaries about touching beforehand and then act accordingly. I’m not talking about random people touching you, I was talking about people you know. I’ve had strangers gr*pe me at work and literally corner me, so I know how traumatic it is, but like I said, two things can be true at once. I still recognise we need healthy physical contact to progress as a species, despite what happened to me prior. Did you even watch the video at all?? Or did you want to make everyone further feel shitty and apprehensive about touching others, based off a small number of people who actually take advantage of it. Most normal people will respect your boundaries when you communicate them, if they don’t then don’t have them in your life?? Like?? Lmao, I really don’t know what to say-I feel like this should be common sense, but I guess not
@@twinkincarnate if you're taking "ask permission" as an attempt to make people feel shitty and apprehensive, I don't know what to say. I'd like people to be mindful. yes, two things can be true at once. I agree that touch starvation is a real problem. but I think my caveat is appropriate, because people who are more touchy-feely and desire more touch in their lives might not realize that not everyone is like them. people who don't want to be touched might also be reserved in general, and not want to rock the boat by voicing their displeasure at unwanted hugs, etc., so huggers who aren't attuned to their boundaries will think it's fine. I've been there more times than I can count. if you think being mindful of physical boundaries is a universally acknowledged rule and the people who don't follow that rule are weird outliers, that's simply not my experience. sure, MOST people I encounter aren't constantly touching me--that would be absurd--but more people disrespect my physical boundaries than I'd like, which indicates to me that respect for my boundaries doesn't go without saying. people who give me unwanted hugs presumably think I find their physical affection comforting and enjoyable in the same way they do, despite the signals of discomfort I'm sending. there's a fundamental misunderstanding there, so it's well worth saying, "hey, try to read the room and don't assume people have the same desire and appetite for touch you do." if you don't see how your comments have been rude and insulting, I guess I'd ask you to read them over and compare your tone to mine. it might also be worth doing some introspection on why my relatively mild take on this topic elicited such an intense reaction on your part.
TW Sry for anyone who feels alone. U are deserving of love and happiness. I have absolutely nobody. I spend each day alone in my apartment doing the same things. Living section 8 in an extremely unpleasant town. I’ve resorted to alcohol and maladaptive daydreaming. I have to be stoned every second of the day. Getting “help” has never helped. I’ll feel fine and maybe like I can keep waiting for a few moments and then I go back into a long depressive state about being alone. I been eating less and enjoying my hobbies less. Health problems from malnutrition & excessive drinking. Struggling to see a point in living if I have to be alone, I often want to stop eating. I try and I try but can’t seem to make positive, lasting connections. I’d be fine if everyone didn’t abuse and abandon me. Hope anyone who feels alone will be okay. I’m barely surviving. Take care.
I am so sorry. I know my words can only reach you so far, but I want you to know that you are so incredibly important. You said it yourself; nobody deserves to feel this way. You don't deserve this. You are a wonderful human being, deserving of love, care, and affection. I am so sorry you haven't been treated the way you should be. Is there something I can do to help? Maybe just talk if you'd like?
Great video, as always. I hadn't really thought about how much reliance there has to be in society for someone to be "self-reliant" while living in society. I was raised to be self-reliant, almost to a fault. And thinking about it now, I wouldn't have been able to survive a day without societal systems being so reliable. I'm glad you ended on friendship. Finding people you can be vulnerable with and allow yourself to reach out to when you need help is key. Before my world could be crumbling around me and if you asked I'd tell you everything was fine, and I'd work it out myself even if it was to my detriment. Having friends that can lend a hand or an ear has been everything. I know it's hard though, and easier said than done, but it's worth it when you find your people. I hope everyone finds even one person they are able to rely on and be relied on.
no actually i was thinking about this literally the past two days on how touched starved i am. i noticed that nowadays i hug my pillows and i dont normally sleep that way but i do now, i hugged my younger sister yesterday and it literally made me feel so happy, but i also feel like i want to touch others beside my love ones in my family. maybe something romantic but i dont know. its interesting to think about now.
I think it’s a mixture of the US’ corporate and Judeo-Christian traditions. In the Dominican Republic where I grew up (shout out to you, I see the flag) touch is a part of everyday life. We kiss, we hug, we pat each other on the back and we give firm handshake. This is one of the biggest culture shocks when you move to the US and find out that culturally people have a much more strict sense of personal space and the context cues for when it’s okay to engage in any sort of crossing of boundaries are much murkier, which just naturally isolates people.
I firt experienced touch starvation when my abusive marriage broke down. Before that i was the forever virgin but I was fine at school and university because I just had so mamy friends and so many sports and activities that I didn't notice. Maybe its a situation of can't miss what you've never had, but more likely it really is the case that with university and school I had platonic touch experiences a lot. My marriage was 6 years long and I'm now in the office grind. Colleagues aren't friends like that and all my old friends we only see each other every couple of months. Now that my partner (abusive though she was) isn't in the picture, I find myself really really crying out for a hug or a cuddle. As a man in western society there are just so few opportunities for that kind of contact outside romantic relationships once you've grown up. It's quite a struggle.
There's a woman in New York City, that started a business where she hugs people. Just hugs, nothing else. Her business is thriving right now and she has to hire a bunch of other people.
Anytime I'm on a long trip with my friend, I rest my head on her shoulder and we both fall asleep. I wish I could have more moments like this, where I can hug or cuddle with friends without them thinking I like them. I also wish I could tell my friends I love them without having to add "platonically"
I'm disgusted by touch. I flinch and freeze up whenever I'm touched by anyone, even people I know, love, and trust At the same time I crave it so much and it drives me insane. I'm aroace so being in a relationship isn't something I'd consider at all and it's honestly so hard on me mentally
Maybe get a pet that you can pet? Like a dog or a cat or a bird or a hamster ect. It may not be a human but you could still receive physical contact from another warm body and get use to it so that you are less disgusted by touch.
@@Arandom1nt3rn3tuser I do have a pet, a dog. Shes not too cuddly but I love hugging her. It only happens with humans when I flinch, I grew up with animals. I don't know what my problem is, it's dumb
@@iLoveNingguang135 maybe trauma? I have a friend who kinda flinches when being touched suddenly bc of trauma. You could talk to a therapist/physiologist to help you
@@Arandom1nt3rn3tuser I'll check out those options. I do think there's something that could've caused trauma, never thought its that person's fault solely, thanks!
that's why i don't watch kurgezstat and school of life and all that fake-deep shit.. okay i do, but i always feel lectured at, but no better informed. i really did give up on thoughty 2 for real, for real, too many conservative dog whistles
@@intellectually_lazy yeah I had to stop watching school of life, loved them when I was younger. Maybe mandate is a strong word, more like a gentle reminder in the humanity around me. Making sense of the world and some of its problems from a really grounded and kind perspective.
@@Wisankara some videos more that others. I know the small talk video really changed my outlook which has directly impacted how I'm trying to interact with others.
i use my heating pad as form of touch. I think of it as someone holding me dear and close and their love radiating warmth from it. ik it sounds crazy but being neglected as a child and having no personal relationship makes me feel this way. (mdd, gad,and ptsd).
I'm touch starved. I guess that'd probably be because my mom never hugged me. I am looking for friends, though. So far, I've tried getting out more to a local cafe, dating apps, joining a small group for creatives, and taking 5 seconds of courage when I can. I don't recommend the dating apps. I met a couple exes on those, and the apps themselves keep getting worse. But everything else gives me hope. I've only recently started trying, though, and I'm definitely going at my own pace, so I don't expect to make friends (or meet a potential partner) too soon, but you never know.
@@intellectually_lazy Seen you being real spiteful in other replies on this video, are you doing ok? Not trying to say that in a mean way but like do just hate feeling helpless or forced to act a certain way or what? I get it, that's how these informative videos feel sometimes if that is in fact the case
Thanks for making the world a better place brother. If i didnt have pets i think i would be feeling much much worse when it comes to this topic. Consider getting a pet if you are having serious touch issues.
At a christmas party i attended yesterday, some girl accidentally hit my head with a microphone and since she was standing next to me for an hour while i was sitting, she held my head in her hand and patted my shoulder with another hand and i was literally containing tears and happy smiles.
I had a psychedelic experience (I think several weeks, possibly months ago), where I met an entity that radiated love. A type of unconditional love where they just wanted to help people. Then I experienced a village where everyone had that kind of love for each other. After I came down I basically went into grief about how hard it would be to find anything like that where I live. It must exist, and maybe before capitalism took over it could have been common. But now I feel like it is small clusters of people who find each other. These groups must exist, but it is so hard to find people because I can’t drive. My area doesn’t have enough sidewalks to make walking safe. And I know I can meet people online but that is not enough for me anymore. I am lucky to live with family, but my immediate family aren’t very into hugs. We keep to ourselves and I don’t know how to break that ice after so many years.
Hearing "Loneliness, it's the thing that makes you go on RUclips and watch video essays" after literally watching 3+ essays videos right before this one.. it kinda worries me a little 🤔🤔
10:16 I live by myself in the woods. I grow my own food. I drink water from a well i dug by hand. I stole all of my electronics. I only speak to people to assert dominance😤
This exact topic recently destroyed one of my friendships. Me not wanting to be touched is a deal breaker for them and a strong boundary for me, that was constantly disrespected. Friendships require compromise but I don't think it's something I should have to sacrifice on.
@@gummybearuwu0i am touch starved to the point of insanity, yet I wouldn‘t dare to touch one of my close friends if they communicated to me that they have a problem with it. people who love touch tend to project their desire onto others and think that they want it, too ( deep down ) when really they don‘t.
This hits especially hard now during the holidays. It's hard to see loved ones traveling home to their families when you have nowhere else to go. Because you either live too far away or are estranged from family or both. Anyway, sending long hugs to everyone else feeling lonely.❤
My only touch experiences were being hit or abused not love or social touch therefore I’ve developed hostility towards being touched even if I’m just being tapped or hugged with no prior warning, even then I still feel very uncomfortable.
I didn't realize I was lonely until I felt what it was like to not be lonely. I didn't know that having hour-long conversations with people I know in my head, and whispering to my walls was not normal. I guess I thought everyone did that, until I came across a video of a guy who wanted to find out what it would do to his brain if he would try staring at a wall for an hour long each day. I was genuinely confused when he said that was hard. Like bitch, that's how i go about my weekends
I'm always so depressed after chatting with my buddy at work, because I know that is all I'm going to get until we share a shift again. Texting is not enough either.
I've been thinking a lot about exactly that. Last few years I've been busy with uni, providing for myself, depression treatment and generally getting my life back together, and noticed how my mental health took a massive nosedive after I stopped having friends and family around that I felt comfortable touching (after moving to a big city to get higher education). For us latinos and south americans being touch deprived is a HUGE toll. And I was never the "ewww I don't like hugs don't touch meee" kinda teen either.
Growing up I remember people always being told "keep your hands and feet to yourself" from school and such, that basically was drilled into my head constantly and I'm pretty sure that's what happened to a lot of people. They internalized the message of "keeping your hands and feet to yourself," to where it's too scary or frightening to touch a person.
At this point I got rejected (not even in a relationship Sense) so much that I feel like my empathy is dieing. I don't want to but I started to hate all people.
Sometimes it feels especially lonely to not like being touched, but, being a human, still need it. Especially if you dislike it because it’s overwhelming. The easiest way for me to get overstimulated is to be touched without expecting it, or by someone I’m not used to being touched by, but the more touch starved I am, the more intense touch becomes. The more intense it is, the more I avoid it. Self perpetuating cycle that fucks up the nervous system. And it doesn’t feel like anybody really empathizes. Most folk can’t understand the way I don’t like touch. Autistic communities talk about that more often, but I’ve rarely seen talk about needing some touch anyways, or ways to make filling the “touch quota” enjoyable like it’s supposed to be.
I often find myself imagining that someone is comforting me when I'm sad or just lonely. I stuffed my ikea shark more to use it as my hug pillow and to sleep on my side. I even made up an imaginary friend who talks to me.
Mommy hadn't touched me when I was a kid, nor showed emotional effection, but instead was controlly. So, being starved of emotional and physical affection I grew up learned not to desire or even dislike any, and preferrably avoid people since most are power or status hungry assholes (starting from own parents).
also i feel like a lot of ppl who say youre the only one who can fix your problems often forget that this doesnt mean all of your problems are your fault there are a lot of things out of our control and sometimes fixing something about yourself means leaving behind something external
hi elliot! i find it really ironic how isolation has become normalized as a result of the internet, which used to serve the purpose of increasing communication & aiding as a tool in making connections. it reminds me of that effect where an intended solution ends up backfiring & contributing to worsening the original issue, i forget what it’s called! i haven’t watched your video essays in such a long time (back when you streamed frequently), but i’m looking towards your recent content for inspiration in my own work (mainly for academic purposes). wonderful essay-i haven’t seen many people discuss this, so it’s interesting to hear this perspective.
I broke up with a friend over the internet, & it still sent me into a depression spiral, that activated my Long Covid symptoms (I wanna stress, this isn't anyone's fault, either). But yeah, these research notes do not suprirse me at all. And abolish all prisons.
i’m 21 and really the only person i feel totally ok with physical contact with is my mom. i can’t even help myself from tensing up around my roommate if she accidentally leans into me (and we’re very close friends). i don’t remember my friends ever being that touchy with me in elementary school and in high school i always looked at friends casually hugging and holding hands with confusion but also envy. i wish i could just cuddle with my friends without it feeling awkward, i’m always afraid of sending the wrong message and i already have abandonment issues that make it scary.
What a very unique way to bring up this awful awful system of solitary confinement we continue to use to torture people in our prisons today. I absolutely loved how you made it so much more relatable to what so many experience out here. It is absolutely barbaric what we do to our prisoners but as soon as you say prisoner most people's empathy shuts off because they think criminal they think crime and they think they deserve it. To start with something that's so many of us have unfortunately come to have a personal experience with and therefore no how bad it feels then to relate that to solitary confinement Thank keeps a lot more people on the empathy train long enough to realize that no one deserves solitary confinement. No one deserves a living death. Thank you so very much for your fresh approach to this issue that really needs so much more attention. So proud to be a follower - and now a member! Right on! ✊🏾
I'm 21 and I rarely hug but I wish I could receive hugs every day. I only occasionally hug family members a few times a year, usually being side hugs or hugs that aren't exactly full. I do feel awkward when it comes to physical touching. I always feel jealous when I see people hugging the same friends daily. I constantly think about having to achieve awards or be extremely skilled at something just to deserve getting hugged a lot.
Hugcon when? But nah for real, it is a extreme problem, I promise to socialize more and get out of my comfort zone. A digital hug from a stranger to another.
I have only really experienced any touch whatsoever from my mom and occasionally an aunt or grandma. That's it. I'm autistic, and thought that I was averse to touch for the longest time, but I think a big issue was that I almost never received it at all. Everyone in my life tried their best to not touch me because "I didn't like it." This has gone too far, and now I don't know what to do. I don't know how to undo this externalized mentality. I remember each and every time I received positive touch from someone outside of my family as if it was a major life event. I had one male friend in highschool hug me once. I will never forget it. I had a friend in youth group try and lift me (for fun). I will never forget it.
Humans need other humans but the systems by which we relate to other humans are fundamentally broken. Too bad about that. Too bad specifically about the thing you said about "meaningful" social contact. That's the part that's hard to find.
i had a dream once where i was embraced and snuggled by a guy that i barely knew. he wasn’t my boyfriend, but that didn’t concern me at the time because i had a feeling this wasn’t real, but it felt right being embraced like that. i actually felt loved and believed in the love this person had for me. in real life, i’ll get hugs and kisses, but nothing could compare to how that guy held me
Humans evolved to be deeply tribal operating in close knit extended kin groups. We are like animals in the zoo who have been put in the wrong enclosure and are now unhappy. Penguins in the desert exhibit. Tribe by Sebastian Junger is a great book about this. His theory related to military PTSD is that men who band together in close knit groups and take on challenges, as men do in the context of military life especially at war are thrown back into our western disconnected society and they are actually mentally worse off having experienced that tribal bond that they've evolved to foster and crave and then lost it than they would be otherwise. Their subconscious is generating anxiety screaming at them that they have been banished from the tribe and need to remedy that. It's a very interesting book.
My family have never been the hugging type. I personally stopped getting hugs and other physical affection once I was too heavy for my parents to pick up (i think I was around 7?) I didn't realise how much that messed me up until I got into my first relationship at 17. In those 10-ish years, I was the only one to initiate physical affection wirh my parents, but since they mever reciprocated, I quickly learned to just live with it. In 10 years, I could probably count the number of hugs I recieved that I didn't initiate on one hand.
If I was moved out I definitely would become a member!!! Also when I was a kid, idk but maybe I was just unbelievably lonely lol. I was constantly going up to people asking for hugs my. From parents, my teachers, my friends, my classmates sometimes, even almost strangers. But I did it so much it wasn't normal, even for a person with the physical touch love language. I've been trying to figure it out for years because, in the past when I researched touch starved, it always says it's for people who haven't been touched enough. For me I could've been hugged almost 12 times and still want another longer one. I really don't know. I don't think it's changed. I think the only reason I don't anymore is because it annoyed people.
I went a long time as a single mom and was very touch starved and when I first got into a relationship, touch made me very uncomfortable, but I’ve definitely warmed up to it more. I think we can go so long without it that it makes us nervous when we do have it.
As someone on the neuro divergence spectrum and a bit of an introvert, I'm not the most comfortable with touch, save for a few hugs from family and hugs and kisses from my partner. I quite explain why, its just a discomforting feeling for the most part. I dont mind physical touch with animals though like from my dogs, I've always loved those. Again I cant really explain why. I may not always been comfortable with touch but I still crave some kind of community with others even if it's just being in the same room and talking to them.
This video literally just taught me what touch starvation is and it explains so so so much about how I've felt. Like, there was a point in my life I've spent over a year with no physical contact with any people despite living with people, and like even now I go potentially weeks in-between a hug. Like, I'm not in a relationship, but honestly the biggest part I miss about a relationship is not any of my ex's, but the constant physical affection I received that I no longer get
I am a college student, this is my second year. For both years I did not have a roommate. It’s actually pretty crazy how happy I get now when I get any form of physical affection….
almost cried watching this video ,,, it made me feel so inhuman ,,,, like me being afraid of touch means im going against how people are supposed to be ,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Its wild that we take the people in society who are largely acting out of necessity are then punish them not just with solitary, but the entire psychological and social hell of prison. Then somehow expect them to come back into the world and participate in society in a way people who haven't been psychologically tortured cant do in a healthy way. Meanwhile, they're terrified they can be sent back at the wrong slip up. Two people very close to me were completely changed by their experience in prison and the way the people in the podcast talk about rheir experience is just... yeah its changed who they are. Psychological social and physical torture as the punishment for even the smallest crime...
thank you for all your loneliness videos recently. they make me feel less alone in my loneliness, and more open to trying to make new social connections
One of my new friends I met on new years touched held my face and I was genuinely shocked at the feeling of someone touching me, as I haven’t had skin contact with another human in months. As a lowkey hikikomori since the pandemic (I graduated in 2021) I’ve been so touch starved platonically I’ve ended up doing irrational things like listening to heartbeat sounds to fall asleep and hooking up with a stranger from a dating app as my first just so I could sit next to someone. It’s weird to think how humans as social creatures and society demonize and sexualize touch. Mothers skin to skin their newborns because touch is so important, but after puberty starts, touch is condemned. I hope I’m making sense on my thoughts lol 😅
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Can you please do a video on misanthropy
You have the same exact cups as me
Been living alone for 3+ years now. I just woke up from a dream where a girl I like just leaned her head on my shoulder and fell asleep... I've been lost in thoughts for 2 hours, failing to hold back tears from time to time, mindlessly swiping on dating apps I hate, and when I decide to open yourube to change my mind, I see this in my notifications!.. How did you know!?
🫂
hey had to be someone out of thousands, right? guess it was a sign for you
Funny how thing wotk out like that I guess!
Real asf, I've had similar dreams and I feel the same.
not three years, but I had a rough breakup this week. And this popped up. Im rooting for you man.
It's insane how our society created such conditions where you can practically live without having to communicate and work with other people. Your house, clothes, food, everything is made by other people, but when you buy, for example, food in a store, that connection isn't made, everything is taken for granted. You just have to show yourself at work every day, where you are probably isolated from other people too, everyone is competing for material gains, in that process, destroying possible social bonds. It's all material conditions, at the end of the day. Alienation.
"its all material conditions" What do you mean by this?
Captalism destroys the humanity.
@@alexxx4434exactly, if it wasn’t them being paid pay check by pay check, worrying about the next bill,our society wouldn’t be that less connected
@@sine8811 what you didn't understand? it's stated pretty clearly
@@sine8811 People's behavior/lifestyles are a product of the economic realities of the societies we live in, read Marx.
It’s crazy how touch starvation has so many mental and physical effects that can shape people’s behavior.
brutal, its truly over
It's just like a fish fighting to be put back into the water, it makes you flip and flop all over the place!
We may be touch starved but we adapt to it. We live with it now.
Its all I think about and want. 😞 Its such a basic need..
@@anderstermansen130shouldn’t have to accept the starvation as a fact of life in the first place :(
i wish friendly casual touch was much more normalized. since i’ve suffered from touch starvation for so long, i decided to be the “touchy friend” so that i could both satisfy my own needs and let other people be held too. i love holding my friends’ hands or giving them hand massages, and it’s crazy how so many of them are suprised at how great a hand massage can be. even just lightly tapping their palms can give them tingles. i feel like being the touchy friend has let me become close friends with so many different people so quickly because people simply just want to be held by someone else without realizing and that’s really sad to think about :(. i’ve had girls who i don’t know that well come up to me and start convos with me just so they can lock arms with me or hold my hand for comfort, and we’d become close friends so easily. i just hope that platonic physical touch between opposite genders becomes more normalized too because i feel like men have it a bit rougher than women in regards to this aspect. like they’d be seen as gay or weird for touching their male friends while me running around holding hands with my female friends is just seen as cute. one time i was walking with my male friend and i interlocked my arm with his and tried touching his hand which realizing (its become a habit of mine), and he looked at me with such a confused and almost grossed out look. i just paused and was like “oh, sorry. i forgot you weren’t one of my female friends” and left it at that, and felt guilty for intruding on his personal space. later on though he asked me to give me a hand massage so i guess he realized that physical touch is actually pretty great, it’s just a shame that we couldn’t do it so openly because we’re opposite genders.
Teach me your waysss I wanna do that for people but I’m afraid with such an abrupt change in my behavior ppl will think I’m crushing on them
thats like normal doing molly with the bros shit
I used to hold arms with my friends ALL THE TIME in elementary school and middle. Everyday, I just felt so happy and it wasn’t something that I felt shy to do , I just rlly loved to be closed together walking and talking. Now, I would feel so odd if I were to do so, but it feels nice to have someone to initiate hand, arm holding :)
pfft! you know, i was 13 and some guy i was acquainted with walked by me just putting his hand on my knee in passing. i froze and he obviously felt bad and i spent 33 years thinking i was wrong for freezing. i wasn't wrong. keep your hands to yourself, creepy joe
I'm identify as a lesbian, so it's been really hard to feel comfortable being physically intimate with my female friends. When I do, I find that it gets sexualized by men, and I can't help but feel responsible for this sexualization, like in weird, and it's somehow my fault.
Honestly, I think it's sad that intimate touch is mostly associated with sexual or romantic intentions. I think it puts people at too much of a dependence on these relationships to feel connected to other people, when their are so many more people they could feel closely to platonically. ( Also I don't think it's fair to put your partner in the role of the sole person that can help you feel connected in this way)
the prison segment reminded me so much of the stints i did in an adolescent psych ward at 14 and 16. the guards were always terrified of us having any kind of physical contact. if you tried to comfort someone, or offered a hug to a fellow inmate who was being released, they’d wrench us apart and you’d be in so much trouble. i saw people put into solitary for being too affectionate (with consent). mind you, i wasn’t even on the ward with the “violent” kids. we were mostly either sui survivors on involuntary holds and foster kids between homes. none of us has done anything even a harsher bystander could think of as justifying that level of policing our touch. it was so sick, and now i have to wonder if it contributed at all to my simultaneous wariness of and aching need for touch.
yeah, it was like that in hutchings. only it didn't stop funny shit from happening. like staff member fritz shook 15 year old janice's hand that way where you tickle the palm, and 15 year old stephanie told me nurse peggy has a happy trail, and probably worse shit i never heard, but neither did the people who interview everyone on the ward when this shit happens
man that's literally so brutal wtf
Along with seggs fears, I bet they didn’t want you forming bonds or solidarity
The system we live under is poetically able to destroy any bottom-up human. Often without the grunts/guards even knowing why
Why would they be terrified of y'all being friendly though? It's like they were scared of you being people
...that sounds unbelievably stupid. It honestly sounds like it'd make something like depression worse. What was wrong with the people who made those rules?
I have ASD, and while physical touch often makes me uncomfortable, I’ve always desired it from a select few who I felt I could really trust. When it turned out I couldn’t trust them at all, over time, I found myself dissociating from being touched.
An old flame once snuck up on me in public and embraced me tightly. I immediately went totally numb and mentally checked out. I hope I can overcome this one day as I still desire physical touch all the time, just too scared to put myself out there again.
Me too, exactly the same.
ASD here as well, and I've never really felt comfortable being touched and never had anyone I trusted enough to do it. I let my family hug me a few times a year but I've never felt the need or desire for it.
So you don't have an issue with touching itself just the beliefs you have about the toucher?
@@sine8811 I like touch but mostly in a romantic context, so a family member hugging me just feels awkward to me most of the time. So I’m left wanting touch from romantic interests but bad experiences with them has made me more averse to touch even in that context.
I know how you feel my trust was also betrayed and it takes time to heal, I haven’t fully put myself out there yet but when I do again it will be to prove that others will not steal my capacity to trust and see the beauty in others from me.
Co-regulation is pretty fucking important, and physical touch is a huge part of that. Hominids are snugglers, we can't tech our way out of it. We need to accept ourselves more as a species.
The following comment is satire.
But how else are we supposed to make bank from our new SnuggleBot 9000, with plans starting at just $19.99 a month for 3 hours of no-strings platonic cuddles!
We don't even know our own species, we don't know who we are. We think ourselves so separate from nature and animals that we don't listen to our own bodies. We think we can use our intelligence to out-think everything. And we structure our societies in a way that helps us achieve false goals and adhere to false values, and ignores our actually true human needs.
Whoof, the call-out in the beginning lol. Realizing that watching video essays is probably the closest thing I'll ever experience to having long, meaningful conversations with ppl with similar interests as mine, followed up with the closing reminder that there's no one close to me to spend the holidays with. A lot of right stuff in here I guess, good to spread awareness, but this felt awful to watch.
go outside. talk to some strangers. that guy on the corner has no where to go. what? do you want him to freeze? oh. not your problem? well, fuck that no one'll touch you!
you can try to find (or create!) online groups with people of similar interests to yours to talk! and if you wanna do it in person invite them to go somewhere together if they live near or join a class or activity related to what you like in your city to meet people!!
@@intellectually_lazy I hate to say it but a lot of homeless people have tons of issues and are the cause of their own issues. Usually drug addicts, thieves, abusers, etc.
I always hold a pillow by my side when I sleep to imagine myself being by someone. I live with my parents who I have a lot of trauma with who won’t acknowledge their wrongdoings yet those are the only people who I see on a daily basis and have some semblance of physical affection. All of my friends are either out of town, or are too busy/have incongruent schedules with me.
Same here
Same
Same
Same as well, down to the finest detail of your comment; surreal to read said comment about it.
same for me
that 6-7% stat about prisoners in solitary confinement shocked me. That's ~140,000 people that are going through compulsory torture backed by the government. That makes me sick. Have you ever tried counting that high? every number, every moment that passes, that's a person. Impossible scale to empathize with and even still i find it disgusting that this could happen. awful.
@@user-ot7bp6yj3v general society is not even remotely the same thing as solitary confinement
Not chill
Adding the nuclear family as an ever-isolated lifestyle as opposed to actual community, and general amatonormativity reinforcing it as the aspirational norm everyone should aspire to. For people left out of it for whatever reason, physical touch is seen as so intimate as to be inappropriate with anyone other than people we're deeply connected to, and maintaining any bonds that aren't romantic or familial is harder and harder to do once couplehood and nuclear family get involved. Everyone ends up getting more isolated from each other by trying to maintain these work-intensive normative social structures.
I think you’ve hit one of the nails on the head there. It’s something I’ve seen *starting* to break in my corners of the internet- people being down for platonic cuddles- but my corners are like really queer so the straights probably have it like 100x worse.
@@ringsystemmusic Thanks, I really can't take credit for coming up with it, though. My corner of the queer community is pretty focused on this stuff, since it affects us a lot. I've just seen several RUclips videos in the past week or so get close to it without going into that aspect directly, so I thought I'd drop it in the comments. But yeah, let's just say, lockdowns really didn't change my social life any and physical contact with anyone outside my family tends to get interpreted as flirting, which is just a big nope, so I pretty much only hug my mom when I see her like twice a year. The touch starvation is real.
@@ringsystemmusic queer and leftist, the best youtube
It's almost like The Nuclear Family was created to breed mental illness and keep future generations financially dependent on previous ones. All while brainwashing them to think that their kids are a burden.
I disagree. I find nuclear families are the building blocks of communities.
Just the other day I was lost in thought over this topic, but as it pertains to psychiatric wards, and about how cruel it is that in mental hospitals you can be reprimanded for touching other patients no matter the context; even if the touch is consensual from both parties... Even if you are trying to comfort another patient who is crying by simply rubbing their back. Just like in prisons, in psych wards absolutely zero hugging is allowed... in a place where that sort of therapeutic touch is most needed in my opinion. It really angers and frustrates me to my core how little those who haven't been involuntarily committed know about what a psych hold even entails. You don't even really see a psychologist at all. They are there once a week and see you for 15 minutes, not to get off track here but it contributes to my overall point that we as a society genuinely have a long ways to go in the ways our mental health infrastructure/institutions are governed. It's all just harming more people for some select few to profit off of the collective suffering of the many. I would definitely love to see you further break down the topic of institutionalization through the lens of both the mental health and prison systems as i feel they aren't really all too different when you hear stories from people who have been forced into one, or both. Not many people I have seen really delve into the topic of how inadequate and damaging a psych hold can be. It's definitely never been beneficial for myself in the long-term. Great video as always :)
This just reminded me of a kind of sweet memory I had forgotten all about from my time in the psych ward. There was a girl in our unit who was crying uncontrollably after hanging up the phone during a conversation she was having with her incredibly young, age 2 or 3, son. He had been being grumpy about staying on the call and wanted to go play, and when his grandparents tried to make him talk to his mom on the phone, he just had a meltdown, unintentionally hurting mom's feelings pretty bad, at a time when she really could have used the support from loved ones. Myself and another girl took it upon ourselves to drop what we were doing and to go hug her. Immediately, the staff on the ward started telling us off for touching each other. Without hesitation, at the exact same time, I told the worker to "fuck off" at the exact same time the other girl helping comfort flipped him off. He looked kind of surprised and took a half a step back, let us continue for about 30 seconds, then actually had to break it up. It's awful you can't even get the most basic comfort in a place that is supposed to help you
The last thing the mental health industry wants is a loss of repeat customers.
I feel a special type of way about this as someone who's heard from so many people who were inpatient, that they had risky, unnecessary, or even nonconsensual sex in the hospital, in bathrooms or by sneaking into other beds at night. Most people who have told me this said they first only snuck into someone else's bed to cuddle, and then they were kind of like well we'd get in so much trouble just for cuddling, we might as well. A friend of mine was only 12 or 13 when they lost their virginity to a girl in impatient, and then that girl acted abusively toward them and derailed their healing during their hold.
Trying to prevent a building full of young, scared people from touching each other normally will just make them do it secretly, where they're most likely to make bad choices and get hurt doing it.
@ibisarenotbinchickens9846 consider previous comment pls :)
I didn't even realize hugging something while you sleep was a skin hunger thing. I've got a giant teddybear I usually hug at night, but when I don't have that I usually hug the blankets because I can't stand to sleep without something to hold
Hugging my dear friend the Felix bear now
I too hug a teddy bear at night cause I just need someone to hold
I am touch terrified. I won’t go into it but I have been touched as a child. Inappropriately. Now I am terrified of it and crave it at the same time. It’s starting to cause real damage to my mental health and yet, it’s a threat and makes me feel like I’m in danger if I’m touched even by somebody I trust. It’s wild
I would suggest seeking help from a psychologist. As for touch, try making an appointment with a hairdresser, it is a way to receive touch in a safe public environment that does not feel threatening.
@@juliejay5436 yeah I’m going to need to talk to somebody as it’s starting to cause some real problems
Thank you for your courage to express something like this, I’m sorry to hear how frustrating it is to have that dilemma. If you have time, I would encourage you to check out Somatic therapy exercises. It’s may help with CPTSD /PTSD symptoms as it’s focused on responding and working with the body as it holds trauma rather than conventional talk therapy which may be more helpful in working with both the cormorbid touch starvation and CPTSD symptoms.
Same here. It’s like I crave touch but the rare times it’s happened I experience a lot of anxiety.
@@TrentonF505 yeah man it’s like being trapped.
I'm 30 now and apart from a few hugs for greetings, I never experienced physical touch.
Sometimes I'm thinking it's for the better that I never experienced it, so I don't know what I'm really missing.
Apart from the fact that I don't know anyone I would want to do that with, I think this situation would be more than overwhelming for me and I don't know how I would communicate this, or whether I even want to.
Lately I'm just telling myself that I'm almost half way thou life without it, so why even bother now.
same but I'm 21, never truly experienced it which is probably why I don't have an active need for it either, whether that's a good or a bad thing, who knows
@@kiiturii well, the world's on fire. these days 21 is probably halfway too
you deserve to be loved.❤❤❤
you will find it.
trust the process.
I love you❤❤❤
zoom school kicked in when i was 16 and my depression got really bad. my mom could see that i was suffering and she'd say that she loves me and she'd hug me. but id just feel nothing. even now that my mental health is medicated and under control, when i'm hugged or initiate hugs I'm mostly just doing it for their sake. smiles too.
i have an immune condition that makes me severely allergic to artificial fragrance, many chemicals, most foods, almost all dyes, and a LOT of other things that are found in laundry detergent/clothes/soap/lotion/hair products/etc. Because of this, i can’t spend much time in physical contact with anyone. I get a quick hug every few days from my mom, and i get a massage for 1 hour every month, but that’s usually all the physical contact i get. When i see friends i’ll give them quick hugs too, but this month miraculously my treatments were working well enough that I was able to snuggle with a friend. We just sat there holding each other for a few hours, and it felt so foreign but so, so nice. I doubt i’ll be able to do that again soon, but it reminded me how important physical touch really is. I’ve always preferred being alone, but being with others every so often is vital.
Hug your friends, y’all. it might make you feel a bit better. 💚
Yes indeed 😊
A close friend of mine lives with the same immune condition you describe. Mast Cell Activation Syndrome, I think? I sympathize a lot.
You're still getting more touch than I am. I generally get hugs on a schedule of more like a yearly basis, and even then I've skipped years. Last year I actually got multiple hugs and it was revolutionary, all around the same time though so it's still a huge gap. I'm only 19 and this has been the case since I was 10 at the oldest.
This is a topic that is important yet is almost never spoke about.
The feeling of touch-starvation is very crushing in a way thats hard to describe and also seems to be getting far more common.
Yeah well just fucking a stranger isn’t going to fix the problem long term. Into me I see
Got in an argument with some idiot about how cuddling isn't always sexual. He was like, do you cuddle your male friends? I was like no. But then adults don't cuddle much anyway. Children cuddle. Parents and kids cuddle. There's also more than kne way if cuddling. Cuddling up on the sofa is intimate, but it's not inherently sexual unless your definition of cuddling is always crotch to butt. You can cuddle side by side. That's not sexual. We as men in particular, cuddling argument aside, just need to be way more comfortable with touch and same sex intimacy. I think it's a big driver of so many of straight men's issues. All that desire for intimacy is forced on our intimate female partners. They shouldn't have to bear all of that. And we also need to be able to separate intimacy from sex. So many dudes are sex hungry and push their partners away because for them sex is the only way they know to get intimacy. They don't even feel comfortable doing it properly inside a relationship in a nonsexual way. Which is part of, I say part of but not all of, why I think so many guys are sex obsessed. They have nothing else going for them.
I've cuddled with friends of all genders, as an adult. Would recommend it to most people, I sure miss it
That is a deep and highly inciteful critique. Really really good!
Yep. I love cuddling & everyone seems against it. Either away it’s a good thing
I remember being at a friend's house and we were gonna watch a movie. I just randomly said, anyone wanna cuddle feel free and her male roommate was like eff yeah. And we just cuddled and watched the movie, while making dumb comments about the characters decisions. Another time, he had a female friend over and all 3 of us cuddled and watched tv😂
I've always cuddled my sister, and I've had people imply it was incestuous especially when I presented as a boy. It disgusts me and makes me sad that people think that sibling affection like holding hands and sitting closely on the couch is morally repugnant past a certain age. Everytime my sister visits I get so much dopamine because she's the only one who will platonically touch me. Everyone is so starved for physical touch.
Anyone who wants non romantic touch that lack friends I would suggest volunteering at long term care facilities and visits to the elderly. They often enjoy and need human contact as well and it is an available outlet that would alsp benift your community. As a healthcare worker I often feel the opposite of touch starved and feel touched out. Just a suggestion.
💡
Caveat: if you are an AFAB person, do NOT do this; old men can be shameless and vicious knowing that they aren't seen as a threat and will experience no repercussions. Keep yourself safe pls
I got a fantastic partner, and we’re super cuddly and close. I realized how important that was to me, so I hug all my friends now. I can feel some of them, mainly men, react by holding on while hugging. I never thought about it, but I’m probably the only person hugging them. It makes me feel so sad that we don’t hug each other more as a society.
I realized that too with male friends they kinda hold you for a while. You can tell that they arent getting any love. It's kinda sad.
I’ve always been a hugger & I maintain that hugging is better than drugs
Im in my early 20s, and ive never felt so lonely. I struggle to maintain friendships and often feel like socialising zaps my energy pretty quickly. Im not very close with my family either. I so desperately want a sense of community in my life but i dont even know where to start. it feels like where i live (uk) is set up against the formation of meaningful communities (?)
i feel like political originations nowadays are the only way to have community…
NEW community id say, cuz if your parents have community, the communities children will be YOUR community,
@@Somebodyherefornow Political organizations are a horrible way to have community.
Give me a better way?@@justachannel8600
I’d suggest finding a church! If your religious it’s great and if not there’s some church’s that welcome anyone of any faith (I go to one). I know in many peoples mind it’s seen as something bad (because of religious extremists and being forced into believing something) but I promise you if you do some searching you’ll probably find a community very easily! :)
@@justachannel8600depends on the views of organization. And if they are just larping or doing something helpful to people around them.
Oh, charity organizations are another good idea!
We may need it but not all of us get it.
at first I was making up senarios in my head where someone was close to me, then I started to listen to ASMRs, then I started to hug my pillow and now sometimes when I'm alone I catch myself caressing my own face like if someone else was doing it to me.
The feeling of loneliness and touch starvation is so bad, it's always present and it can't be completly supressed. It feels like I am failing as a human being, like if I was doing something wrong all the time. It breaks your confidence and turns you into a negative person. It drains a lot of brain power to combat these feelings and on certain days, like chrismas and new year eve, I just can't combat it and I always end up crying myself to sleep.
I've done so much to try to be loved, I workout alot, tried tinder, I developed myself emotionaly, I have convictions and values that I stand for, I treat people with respect and empathy, basicaly I forged myself a personality that I am proud of, like everyone should do.
but deep down I always feel like a 12 years old kid that wonder if he will ever have a girlfriend. It feels so fucked up to be an adult with the dating experience of a 12 years old. I feel like I reached the point were I am simply just to far behind others to even be considered like a possible partner and I am not mad at womens for it, I get it we all have our problems and no one has time to fix someone else, especialy when the "problem" is that big (I basicaly never even kissed someone in my life). But this feeling of loneliness is just getting stronger every day and I know that I won't be strong enough to live my whole life with it. I don't want to have the life path of one of these people that dies alone in their appartement and end up only being discovered 3 years later only because of the smell of their corpse.
You're not alone. I'm 26 now, and never had a girlfriend nor intimacy with a girl.
I guess for some people it doesn't works. They will probably never be wanted by someone. I try hard to accept this, but it's hard, for sure.
@@aceleracionistanoturno I don't think it's something that you can really accept, were supose to be social animals after all. I just try to remind myself that being lonely doesn't make me a bad person, violent husbands have wives for exemple. and it's not like having a girlfriend would make me happy 24/7 anyway, but I still would really like to be part of someones life, it kinda make you feel "worth it" when someone loves you. I really need this in my life at the moment. Anyway we all end up at the same place at the end of the day, we shouldn't worry to much lol
@@bruhyou4305 a lot of the time, things find you when you stop looking for them
@@aceleracionistanoturno nice sato san pfp
Same. Well I had sex, barely, but never had a girlfriend or a relationship or anything
I don't feel like killng myself now but I don't know how long I will be able to withstand having my childhood and teenager years stolen from me and never have real love
I don't want to grow old (25 now) knowing that I lost my youth without having the only one thing I truly wish for in this life
ever since i was a young teen, hugs from my parents stopped feeling safe, so i started doing little things like hugging and patting myself and pretending it was someone else. to this day i still have those behaviours and i only dress in soft, loose clothes so i can feel safe and have safe textures to touch when going outside. i've been so lonely that when i finally started dating i was too physically clingy and ruined the relationship extremely quickly
Nah, you didn't ruin it. That person wasn't for you. I would have loved that because I'm a very physically affectionate person
I think there’s another layer to being touch-starved related to a person’s history with SA and other times in which their bodies have been violated. It’s hard to trust someone to touch you when that trust has been exploited before.
Which is why we need to heal ourselves first. I’ve worked on myself being touch averse because of an incident. I stopped self pitying myself and wondering why nobody wanted to help me and helped myself and now I am slowly opening up to touch more.
I like the name "skin hunger." Partially because it sounds like something from a schlocky B-horror movie, and partially because, at least for me, it is extremely descriptive of the actual feeling. It does feel like my skin is hungry. It's a very weird feeling.
This video is just the worlds largest call out
Currently under my weighted blanket because I miss being hugged. I’m in a long distance relationship and the touch starvation is the worst
Same
felt
Truth..I miss being hugged by my Mom. I miss my mama so much lol…
I’ve always been touchy with my family: hugging, cuddling, flitting around giving pecs on the cheek. I didn’t really understand how important that was until I graduated high school.
There was a girl younger than me in my theatre class who gave a certain group of seniors a parting video message, and in mine she told me how much my casual platonic touch helped her. I don’t know her whole situation, but she grew up Jehovah’s Witness, so that might have something to do with it. Basically overtime I cured her touch aversion, and I didn’t even know I did it.
After that, it’s sort of in my personality that my main love language is touch. (My senior superlative was “most likely to give you a hug.”) I don’t know if it’s really this, or if so many people are touch starved/touch averse that it’s just less common for people to use that love language?
In college, I’m part of a Swing Dance club. Partner dancing, so people touch inherently. At the end of this last quarter, this is the second year with this group, we had a Friendsgiving as well as finals study session in place of our dancing. I initiated a cuddle session, which at some point got up to about 10 people, but there were about 3 of us who literally cuddled for like 2 hours, and one guy for the WHOLE time. It was so nice. And near the beginning he was like “How to cure my touch aversion in point-2 seconds haha” but it really was wonderful. We were chatting near the beginning and he was like “Wow maybe I really do need a girlfriend,” and after a minute I said “Do you need a girlfriend, or do you need your friends to cuddle you?” And that made him think for a minute lol
So yeah touch is so important, there’s just something about it that nothing else can accomplish. And people are scared to initiate it so often, so they never do. I’ve evolved to be a person that initiates things, because I realize how much other people just won’t even when they want to, because they’re so worried about everything. Obviously only do things with people’s consent, even platonic touch of course! But yeah the biggest way to be fulfilled in life is to have a solid community, and a big step in that direction is through physical contact.
Two words: social dancing. Best way to practice safe touch in a socially acceptable way with a wide variety of people of all genders. Dancing has been instrumental in helping me combat feelings of loneliness. I haven’t felt truly lonely in over two years now. If you live somewhere that has a good dance scene, definitely recommend looking into it.
That explains a lot. I was single just like I am now, but I felt a lot less lonely when I used to go dancing all the time!
I used to be a very touch starved person until I had the realization that I should just be that person for other me. It hit me when my great aunt would be just so affectionate during casual conversation, rubbing my back, hugs, it was so nice. I instantly became attached to her even though I’ve only gotten to really know her for one summer. Now I love hugging, backscratching, and just being gentle with my friends and that made me all the more closer with them.
I’m like Claire from ‘Fleabag’ when they go to that retreat and she shudders at the thought of touching her sister’s palms and yet I want to hold a cute guy, wear his hoodies that are way too big for me and flap the sleeves.
Real
Holy crap this video is so on point. Its taken me my entire 22 years on this planet to finally run into a friend that showed me what positive physical touch can feel like and look like, and im a completely different person as a result. I dont ever remember being held by my parents as a child, and never got a good hug when I was down. And lonliness went hand in hand with my suicidal thoughts years ago.
Community is everything, and I'm tired of pretending it's not. All I want out of my personal success in life is to pour it back out on my loved ones.
I'm autistic, and this has been a major factor in my loneliness for most of my life. I've always struggled with making and keeping friends. I hate the idea of a friend group now because every single one I've ever been a part of gasses me up with a temporary sense of belonging and or love bombs me, only to ghost me around or at the same time, and it has almost always been around the holidays. I understand and respect that people get busy and have lives of their own, but it's to a point that they would just stop talking to me altogether and I'd never hear from them again. I've realized as well that the same things about me that draw people to me are the same things that repel them. People may find me "eccentric and interesting" at first, but eventually they find I'm not just trying to be quirky and different, I am inherently and involuntarily different, and or I am like a mirror of their own unconfronted baggage. I don't understand why people can't just be honest about what they're capable of. Why gas me up with, "I'll always be here for you," and, "I truly value our friendship," if you aren't capable of being a friend, don't truly value your feigned platonic connection to me, and know you will stop talking to me immediately after telling me you'll always be around? I'd respect it much more if people were frank about not being able to be a friend in the long run, but instead they run away from confrontation because it's easier to make a French exit than being sincere and letting me know they just aren't capable of being a long term friend to me. I have had one good friend for over a decade now, but for reasons he can't help I hardly ever see him. There are one or 2 other friends who are more of acquaintances, as I am afraid to let my walls down because I don't want the same thing that has happened before to happen again. I've starved for platonic company most of my life, and I wish I knew how to relate to people and have that sense of camaraderie I've seen among others. I understand if this is too long to read, but I thought it was relevant to the subject in this video. I'm sure others can relate to this in their own way.
i think my mom’s mental health improved a lot after she got a dog. i see her always hugging the dog and being affectionate, and the dog wanting pets & cuddles, which i think helps with the loneliness of living by herself, partially because it helps with the touch starvation
I have been lucky to have a close queerplatonic friendship for most of my young life, so last year was the first time since 9th grade that I spent around a year without being physically affectionate with anyone, and it was really affecting me. I'm autistic and the amount of times I harmed myself trying to regulate my emotions during that time was definitely related. I was bashing my head against anything I could find when I got overwhelmed, and that's something I very rarely did before, even as a child.
Very glad that I now share a bed with said queerplatonic friend again 😅
(and its funny because based on this it sounds like I'm very touch forward and I've met a lot of ASD folk like that, but not me actually! I'm trying to get better but I'm very reticent to initiate touch, likely partly because due to the autism I know that I can't reliably "read a room" so to speak and am nervous about acting inappropriately. And when I was in school it was an issue for some that I was fine being physically affectionate with my closest friends, but nobody else. There was a girl who considered us friends who was consistently really hurt that I didn't want her to hug me or touch my hands and arms, and generally people would question why they had different "rules" for touch than my best friends. That sort of thing definitely isn't as simple as really liking to be touched vs really hating it but people seem to expect it to be that way.)
@@bogboybogboybogboybI understand this a lot, as an autistic person myself. If I open any of my boundaries to someone, I really mean it. This just seems to confuse some nuerotypicals who have simpler boundaries and preferences.
To anyone who plans on touching people more often, even if it's just touching their shoulder or arm, I encourage you to do so but also pleeease ask the person what they're comfortable with first. Some of us have very strong averse reaction to different kinds of touch and if you don't know which one you might think we hate all forms of contact when it's not the case. For example, I'm fine with hugs as long as you don't grapple me tight or for too long, but touching me out of nowhere for like a tap on the shoulder or back or grabbing my arm is an absolute no. Playing with my hair or having me play with yours is very welcome. And that's just a few examples from me, everyone is different! If at any point you approach someone and you see them step back, do not go further. If someone pushes your hands away, please read the room and don't insist or double down.
And one last thing, hugging people isn't necessarely a habbit for a lot of us, but just because you don't see us hugging doesn't mean you can't ask us for a hug! Many of us will gladly give you one if you ask 😊
!! This!! I mentioned this in my own comment but when I was in school I knew a girl who would come up behind me and hug me tightly by surprise, and wouldn't stop doing it after I asked several times. A friend of mine had to be really stern with her and threaten to get school faculty involved to get her to stop. After that she'd ask me for a hug nearly daily and was always really pouty when I said no. Don't do that! By no means should anyone be forceful or guilt trippy about physical touch.
Infants suffering from a lack of positive touch often fail to thrive, lose weight, and on some occasions have even died. Just because something is important in infancy it doesn't mean it stops being important in adulthood. I think there are some serious consequences from our isolated lives.
its almost as if we are evolved to live in packs, all caring for eachother and the others in our pack. this society is absolutely not designed to promote physical touch in the slightest. its usually only socially acceptable to be touched by or touch our partners in this society which i also think s fed up. the book radical intimacy is a rly great read about this, would reccommend. go hug ur friends guys
Almost? Evolutionary, we quite literally evolved to live in communities/tribes. Loneliness evolved as a mechanism to keep us together, as separation most certainly meant death.
I also miss the times when you had to choose between complete conformity to the community you were born into or starvation. It was so much more humane.
@@peterkerj7357read the Dawn of Everything or log off
Our culture of fear, shame and control is the main culprit.
At first, I didn't even realize that I was touch starved. I only let certain people hug me so I thought " I probably just don't like hugs". Boy was I wrong. A few months ago, my besties and I finally met up and did a group hug. When I tell I you I didn't wanna let go... For the first time in a very long time, I felt safe, all the built-up anxiety just disappeared. I'd give anything to do it again. Unfortunately, we're all busy either with school or work and rarely get to hang out. I miss them so much...
as someone who hates being touched, though, always ask permission.
thats common sense
I'm sorry but these comments genuinely do not help and add no value to the topic. Asking to touch other people with their permission is literal common sense and those who do not abide by that are the exception, not the rule. It's like saying "make sure you knock before entering someone's home!" like... obviously? Why did you feel the need to comment this?? Again I'm sorry, but Jesus H. Christ this is part of the reason why people are so weird with each other now, someone always has a problem with something. It's exhausting dude. Like, yes, ask permission, but we know that already--the only one's who don't are literal children who are still learning, and creeps who we obviously stay away from
@@twinkincarnate what universe do you live in where people never go in for hugs without asking, or put their hand on your arm during casual conversation? I'm not suggesting someone needs to ask my permission to tap me on the shoulder to get my attention---though I'd rather they tried using their words first, since unexpected touching often makes me jump. in my experience, though, people often take for granted that social touching to convey warmth, etc., is universally appropriate, and don't "read the room"--i.e., they don't notice the ways in which someone's body language conveys the size of their "personal bubble", or ignore physical reactions that imply their touch is only being tolerated, not appreciated. no one's perfect, and I graciously accept social touching in everyday life because I appreciate the good intentions behind it, but I think it would be awesome if mindfulness of people's physical boundaries became the norm in all social interactions, both in and out of the bedroom.
also, don't say "I'm sorry" when you're not, and proceed to insult someone. that's really passive-aggressive.
@@IlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIlIl. Right.. Okay, i’m just going to say this-since this seems to be going nowhere fast, and I don’t feel like debating this back and forth when I know we won’t reach common ground-no one was insulting you, at all. Just because someone expresses frustration and disagrees with you, does not mean they are insulting you. Two things can be true at once. I understand where you’re coming from, because, I don’t like unsolicited touch either, I don’t think anyone does. However, that doesn’t negate anything I said. Touch-starvation is a major issue and is causing detrimental effects on a lot of us, clearly, whether we realize it or not. The universe I live in is called ‘the real world’ where people communicate (or atleast should) boundaries about touching beforehand and then act accordingly. I’m not talking about random people touching you, I was talking about people you know. I’ve had strangers gr*pe me at work and literally corner me, so I know how traumatic it is, but like I said, two things can be true at once. I still recognise we need healthy physical contact to progress as a species, despite what happened to me prior.
Did you even watch the video at all?? Or did you want to make everyone further feel shitty and apprehensive about touching others, based off a small number of people who actually take advantage of it. Most normal people will respect your boundaries when you communicate them, if they don’t then don’t have them in your life?? Like?? Lmao, I really don’t know what to say-I feel like this should be common sense, but I guess not
@@twinkincarnate if you're taking "ask permission" as an attempt to make people feel shitty and apprehensive, I don't know what to say. I'd like people to be mindful.
yes, two things can be true at once. I agree that touch starvation is a real problem. but I think my caveat is appropriate, because people who are more touchy-feely and desire more touch in their lives might not realize that not everyone is like them. people who don't want to be touched might also be reserved in general, and not want to rock the boat by voicing their displeasure at unwanted hugs, etc., so huggers who aren't attuned to their boundaries will think it's fine. I've been there more times than I can count.
if you think being mindful of physical boundaries is a universally acknowledged rule and the people who don't follow that rule are weird outliers, that's simply not my experience. sure, MOST people I encounter aren't constantly touching me--that would be absurd--but more people disrespect my physical boundaries than I'd like, which indicates to me that respect for my boundaries doesn't go without saying. people who give me unwanted hugs presumably think I find their physical affection comforting and enjoyable in the same way they do, despite the signals of discomfort I'm sending. there's a fundamental misunderstanding there, so it's well worth saying, "hey, try to read the room and don't assume people have the same desire and appetite for touch you do."
if you don't see how your comments have been rude and insulting, I guess I'd ask you to read them over and compare your tone to mine. it might also be worth doing some introspection on why my relatively mild take on this topic elicited such an intense reaction on your part.
TW
Sry for anyone who feels alone. U are deserving of love and happiness. I have absolutely nobody. I spend each day alone in my apartment doing the same things. Living section 8 in an extremely unpleasant town. I’ve resorted to alcohol and maladaptive daydreaming. I have to be stoned every second of the day. Getting “help” has never helped. I’ll feel fine and maybe like I can keep waiting for a few moments and then I go back into a long depressive state about being alone. I been eating less and enjoying my hobbies less. Health problems from malnutrition & excessive drinking. Struggling to see a point in living if I have to be alone, I often want to stop eating. I try and I try but can’t seem to make positive, lasting connections. I’d be fine if everyone didn’t abuse and abandon me. Hope anyone who feels alone will be okay. I’m barely surviving. Take care.
I am so sorry. I know my words can only reach you so far, but I want you to know that you are so incredibly important. You said it yourself; nobody deserves to feel this way. You don't deserve this. You are a wonderful human being, deserving of love, care, and affection. I am so sorry you haven't been treated the way you should be. Is there something I can do to help? Maybe just talk if you'd like?
Great video, as always. I hadn't really thought about how much reliance there has to be in society for someone to be "self-reliant" while living in society.
I was raised to be self-reliant, almost to a fault. And thinking about it now, I wouldn't have been able to survive a day without societal systems being so reliable.
I'm glad you ended on friendship. Finding people you can be vulnerable with and allow yourself to reach out to when you need help is key. Before my world could be crumbling around me and if you asked I'd tell you everything was fine, and I'd work it out myself even if it was to my detriment. Having friends that can lend a hand or an ear has been everything. I know it's hard though, and easier said than done, but it's worth it when you find your people. I hope everyone finds even one person they are able to rely on and be relied on.
no actually i was thinking about this literally the past two days on how touched starved i am. i noticed that nowadays i hug my pillows and i dont normally sleep that way but i do now, i hugged my younger sister yesterday and it literally made me feel so happy, but i also feel like i want to touch others beside my love ones in my family. maybe something romantic but i dont know. its interesting to think about now.
I think it’s a mixture of the US’ corporate and Judeo-Christian traditions. In the Dominican Republic where I grew up (shout out to you, I see the flag) touch is a part of everyday life. We kiss, we hug, we pat each other on the back and we give firm handshake. This is one of the biggest culture shocks when you move to the US and find out that culturally people have a much more strict sense of personal space and the context cues for when it’s okay to engage in any sort of crossing of boundaries are much murkier, which just naturally isolates people.
I firt experienced touch starvation when my abusive marriage broke down. Before that i was the forever virgin but I was fine at school and university because I just had so mamy friends and so many sports and activities that I didn't notice. Maybe its a situation of can't miss what you've never had, but more likely it really is the case that with university and school I had platonic touch experiences a lot. My marriage was 6 years long and I'm now in the office grind. Colleagues aren't friends like that and all my old friends we only see each other every couple of months. Now that my partner (abusive though she was) isn't in the picture, I find myself really really crying out for a hug or a cuddle. As a man in western society there are just so few opportunities for that kind of contact outside romantic relationships once you've grown up. It's quite a struggle.
Maybe contact sports?
@@alexxx4434 social dancing if people are inclined towards it can be a great way to meet and be physically close to other people
Massage therapy could possibly help?
There's a woman in New York City, that started a business where she hugs people. Just hugs, nothing else. Her business is thriving right now and she has to hire a bunch of other people.
Anytime I'm on a long trip with my friend, I rest my head on her shoulder and we both fall asleep. I wish I could have more moments like this, where I can hug or cuddle with friends without them thinking I like them. I also wish I could tell my friends I love them without having to add "platonically"
I'm disgusted by touch. I flinch and freeze up whenever I'm touched by anyone, even people I know, love, and trust
At the same time I crave it so much and it drives me insane. I'm aroace so being in a relationship isn't something I'd consider at all and it's honestly so hard on me mentally
Maybe get a pet that you can pet? Like a dog or a cat or a bird or a hamster ect. It may not be a human but you could still receive physical contact from another warm body and get use to it so that you are less disgusted by touch.
@@Arandom1nt3rn3tuser I do have a pet, a dog. Shes not too cuddly but I love hugging her. It only happens with humans when I flinch, I grew up with animals. I don't know what my problem is, it's dumb
@@iLoveNingguang135 maybe trauma? I have a friend who kinda flinches when being touched suddenly bc of trauma. You could talk to a therapist/physiologist to help you
@@Arandom1nt3rn3tuser I'll check out those options. I do think there's something that could've caused trauma, never thought its that person's fault solely, thanks!
@@iLoveNingguang135 No problem :D
I always leave feeling like I've been given a mandate on how to live better.
And do you do something about it?
that's why i don't watch kurgezstat and school of life and all that fake-deep shit.. okay i do, but i always feel lectured at, but no better informed. i really did give up on thoughty 2 for real, for real, too many conservative dog whistles
@@intellectually_lazy yeah I had to stop watching school of life, loved them when I was younger. Maybe mandate is a strong word, more like a gentle reminder in the humanity around me. Making sense of the world and some of its problems from a really grounded and kind perspective.
@@Wisankara some videos more that others. I know the small talk video really changed my outlook which has directly impacted how I'm trying to interact with others.
bro i hugged my mom and wished her happy mother's day once and we couldn't look each other in the eye for the next 8 hours. while being super close...
i use my heating pad as form of touch. I think of it as someone holding me dear and close and their love radiating warmth from it. ik it sounds crazy but being neglected as a child and having no personal relationship makes me feel this way. (mdd, gad,and ptsd).
I'm touch starved. I guess that'd probably be because my mom never hugged me. I am looking for friends, though. So far, I've tried getting out more to a local cafe, dating apps, joining a small group for creatives, and taking 5 seconds of courage when I can. I don't recommend the dating apps. I met a couple exes on those, and the apps themselves keep getting worse. But everything else gives me hope. I've only recently started trying, though, and I'm definitely going at my own pace, so I don't expect to make friends (or meet a potential partner) too soon, but you never know.
typical unpaid mom labor. we're not all nurturers. why'nt you ask dad for once? oh, can't find him? but let's blame mom
@@intellectually_lazy He's dead, thanks for asking.
@@intellectually_lazy Seen you being real spiteful in other replies on this video, are you doing ok? Not trying to say that in a mean way but like do just hate feeling helpless or forced to act a certain way or what? I get it, that's how these informative videos feel sometimes if that is in fact the case
Thanks for making the world a better place brother. If i didnt have pets i think i would be feeling much much worse when it comes to this topic. Consider getting a pet if you are having serious touch issues.
But don't neglet them when you are starting feeling better and feel no need being with them. No animal deserves this.
At a christmas party i attended yesterday, some girl accidentally hit my head with a microphone and since she was standing next to me for an hour while i was sitting, she held my head in her hand and patted my shoulder with another hand and i was literally containing tears and happy smiles.
I had a psychedelic experience (I think several weeks, possibly months ago), where I met an entity that radiated love. A type of unconditional love where they just wanted to help people. Then I experienced a village where everyone had that kind of love for each other. After I came down I basically went into grief about how hard it would be to find anything like that where I live. It must exist, and maybe before capitalism took over it could have been common. But now I feel like it is small clusters of people who find each other. These groups must exist, but it is so hard to find people because I can’t drive. My area doesn’t have enough sidewalks to make walking safe. And I know I can meet people online but that is not enough for me anymore. I am lucky to live with family, but my immediate family aren’t very into hugs. We keep to ourselves and I don’t know how to break that ice after so many years.
I have the same problem. I have no idea how to go out and meet people, though I know that I need to.
@@EntropyAndSingularity Do you have a discord where we could chat?
@@violettracey No. I reply relatively consistently to comments though.
Hearing "Loneliness, it's the thing that makes you go on RUclips and watch video essays" after literally watching 3+ essays videos right before this one.. it kinda worries me a little 🤔🤔
10:16 I live by myself in the woods. I grow my own food. I drink water from a well i dug by hand. I stole all of my electronics. I only speak to people to assert dominance😤
This video made me start to cry uncontrollably, hits much to close to home.
This exact topic recently destroyed one of my friendships. Me not wanting to be touched is a deal breaker for them and a strong boundary for me, that was constantly disrespected. Friendships require compromise but I don't think it's something I should have to sacrifice on.
Wishing you more friends that can enjoy your company without overstepping your boundaries, as it's definitely not an unreasonable request.
@@bogboybogboybogboyb Thank you. That means more than you know :))
@@gummybearuwu0i am touch starved to the point of insanity, yet I wouldn‘t dare to touch one of my close friends if they communicated to me that they have a problem with it. people who love touch tend to project their desire onto others and think that they want it, too ( deep down ) when really they don‘t.
This hits especially hard now during the holidays. It's hard to see loved ones traveling home to their families when you have nowhere else to go. Because you either live too far away or are estranged from family or both.
Anyway, sending long hugs to everyone else feeling lonely.❤
The Most Authentic Physical Touch I had was a fight with my brother 🤗
My only touch experiences were being hit or abused not love or social touch therefore I’ve developed hostility towards being touched even if I’m just being tapped or hugged with no prior warning, even then I still feel very uncomfortable.
I didn't realize I was lonely until I felt what it was like to not be lonely. I didn't know that having hour-long conversations with people I know in my head, and whispering to my walls was not normal. I guess I thought everyone did that, until I came across a video of a guy who wanted to find out what it would do to his brain if he would try staring at a wall for an hour long each day. I was genuinely confused when he said that was hard. Like bitch, that's how i go about my weekends
Story of my life
Yep, that's pretty accurate. Hopefully you are better now. That thing is very tiresome. Speaking from years worth of experience LUL
wtf why would you stare at a wall and not game, watch sth, go do sth?
I'm always so depressed after chatting with my buddy at work, because I know that is all I'm going to get until we share a shift again. Texting is not enough either.
How did you stop being lonely, what happened?
I've been thinking a lot about exactly that. Last few years I've been busy with uni, providing for myself, depression treatment and generally getting my life back together, and noticed how my mental health took a massive nosedive after I stopped having friends and family around that I felt comfortable touching (after moving to a big city to get higher education). For us latinos and south americans being touch deprived is a HUGE toll. And I was never the "ewww I don't like hugs don't touch meee" kinda teen either.
Growing up I remember people always being told "keep your hands and feet to yourself" from school and such, that basically was drilled into my head constantly and I'm pretty sure that's what happened to a lot of people. They internalized the message of "keeping your hands and feet to yourself," to where it's too scary or frightening to touch a person.
At this point I got rejected (not even in a relationship Sense) so much that I feel like my empathy is dieing. I don't want to but I started to hate all people.
Sometimes it feels especially lonely to not like being touched, but, being a human, still need it.
Especially if you dislike it because it’s overwhelming.
The easiest way for me to get overstimulated is to be touched without expecting it, or by someone I’m not used to being touched by, but the more touch starved I am, the more intense touch becomes. The more intense it is, the more I avoid it.
Self perpetuating cycle that fucks up the nervous system.
And it doesn’t feel like anybody really empathizes. Most folk can’t understand the way I don’t like touch. Autistic communities talk about that more often, but I’ve rarely seen talk about needing some touch anyways, or ways to make filling the “touch quota” enjoyable like it’s supposed to be.
I often find myself imagining that someone is comforting me when I'm sad or just lonely. I stuffed my ikea shark more to use it as my hug pillow and to sleep on my side. I even made up an imaginary friend who talks to me.
yikes
Mommy hadn't touched me when I was a kid, nor showed emotional effection, but instead was controlly. So, being starved of emotional and physical affection I grew up learned not to desire or even dislike any, and preferrably avoid people since most are power or status hungry assholes (starting from own parents).
also i feel like a lot of ppl who say youre the only one who can fix your problems often forget that this doesnt mean all of your problems are your fault
there are a lot of things out of our control and sometimes fixing something about yourself means leaving behind something external
hi elliot! i find it really ironic how isolation has become normalized as a result of the internet, which used to serve the purpose of increasing communication & aiding as a tool in making connections. it reminds me of that effect where an intended solution ends up backfiring & contributing to worsening the original issue, i forget what it’s called!
i haven’t watched your video essays in such a long time (back when you streamed frequently), but i’m looking towards your recent content for inspiration in my own work (mainly for academic purposes). wonderful essay-i haven’t seen many people discuss this, so it’s interesting to hear this perspective.
I absolutely loathe being touched, my autism decided that pets are the only exception and thus the only option that doesn't make me want to throw up
I broke up with a friend over the internet, & it still sent me into a depression spiral, that activated my Long Covid symptoms (I wanna stress, this isn't anyone's fault, either). But yeah, these research notes do not suprirse me at all. And abolish all prisons.
i’m 21 and really the only person i feel totally ok with physical contact with is my mom. i can’t even help myself from tensing up around my roommate if she accidentally leans into me (and we’re very close friends). i don’t remember my friends ever being that touchy with me in elementary school and in high school i always looked at friends casually hugging and holding hands with confusion but also envy. i wish i could just cuddle with my friends without it feeling awkward, i’m always afraid of sending the wrong message and i already have abandonment issues that make it scary.
Another great informative video! Thanks for the little shoutout too!
What a very unique way to bring up this awful awful system of solitary confinement we continue to use to torture people in our prisons today. I absolutely loved how you made it so much more relatable to what so many experience out here. It is absolutely barbaric what we do to our prisoners but as soon as you say prisoner most people's empathy shuts off because they think criminal they think crime and they think they deserve it. To start with something that's so many of us have unfortunately come to have a personal experience with and therefore no how bad it feels then to relate that to solitary confinement Thank keeps a lot more people on the empathy train long enough to realize that no one deserves solitary confinement. No one deserves a living death. Thank you so very much for your fresh approach to this issue that really needs so much more attention. So proud to be a follower - and now a member! Right on! ✊🏾
I'm 21 and I rarely hug but I wish I could receive hugs every day. I only occasionally hug family members a few times a year, usually being side hugs or hugs that aren't exactly full. I do feel awkward when it comes to physical touching. I always feel jealous when I see people hugging the same friends daily. I constantly think about having to achieve awards or be extremely skilled at something just to deserve getting hugged a lot.
Hugcon when?
But nah for real, it is a extreme problem, I promise to socialize more and get out of my comfort zone. A digital hug from a stranger to another.
I have only really experienced any touch whatsoever from my mom and occasionally an aunt or grandma. That's it. I'm autistic, and thought that I was averse to touch for the longest time, but I think a big issue was that I almost never received it at all. Everyone in my life tried their best to not touch me because "I didn't like it." This has gone too far, and now I don't know what to do. I don't know how to undo this externalized mentality. I remember each and every time I received positive touch from someone outside of my family as if it was a major life event. I had one male friend in highschool hug me once. I will never forget it. I had a friend in youth group try and lift me (for fun). I will never forget it.
This video couldn’t have come at a better time. I swear dating apps are making it worse.
Humans need other humans but the systems by which we relate to other humans are fundamentally broken. Too bad about that. Too bad specifically about the thing you said about "meaningful" social contact. That's the part that's hard to find.
i had a dream once where i was embraced and snuggled by a guy that i barely knew. he wasn’t my boyfriend, but that didn’t concern me at the time because i had a feeling this wasn’t real, but it felt right being embraced like that. i actually felt loved and believed in the love this person had for me. in real life, i’ll get hugs and kisses, but nothing could compare to how that guy held me
Humans evolved to be deeply tribal operating in close knit extended kin groups. We are like animals in the zoo who have been put in the wrong enclosure and are now unhappy. Penguins in the desert exhibit. Tribe by Sebastian Junger is a great book about this. His theory related to military PTSD is that men who band together in close knit groups and take on challenges, as men do in the context of military life especially at war are thrown back into our western disconnected society and they are actually mentally worse off having experienced that tribal bond that they've evolved to foster and crave and then lost it than they would be otherwise. Their subconscious is generating anxiety screaming at them that they have been banished from the tribe and need to remedy that. It's a very interesting book.
My family have never been the hugging type. I personally stopped getting hugs and other physical affection once I was too heavy for my parents to pick up (i think I was around 7?)
I didn't realise how much that messed me up until I got into my first relationship at 17. In those 10-ish years, I was the only one to initiate physical affection wirh my parents, but since they mever reciprocated, I quickly learned to just live with it. In 10 years, I could probably count the number of hugs I recieved that I didn't initiate on one hand.
not my ass always posting about how touch starved i am yet still never getting offers to fix it 😔
Thank the people that convinced everyone that the internet is a fine place to socialize and do everything else on, rather than a research tool.
If I was moved out I definitely would become a member!!!
Also when I was a kid, idk but maybe I was just unbelievably lonely lol. I was constantly going up to people asking for hugs my. From parents, my teachers, my friends, my classmates sometimes, even almost strangers.
But I did it so much it wasn't normal, even for a person with the physical touch love language.
I've been trying to figure it out for years because, in the past when I researched touch starved, it always says it's for people who haven't been touched enough.
For me I could've been hugged almost 12 times and still want another longer one.
I really don't know. I don't think it's changed. I think the only reason I don't anymore is because it annoyed people.
I went a long time as a single mom and was very touch starved and when I first got into a relationship, touch made me very uncomfortable, but I’ve definitely warmed up to it more. I think we can go so long without it that it makes us nervous when we do have it.
I feel so embarrassed and pitiful for myself watching this, but also grateful that people are talking more about this now.
As someone on the neuro divergence spectrum and a bit of an introvert, I'm not the most comfortable with touch, save for a few hugs from family and hugs and kisses from my partner.
I quite explain why, its just a discomforting feeling for the most part.
I dont mind physical touch with animals though like from my dogs, I've always loved those. Again I cant really explain why.
I may not always been comfortable with touch but I still crave some kind of community with others even if it's just being in the same room and talking to them.
I'm glad I saw this. My other sources of hypochondria were getting boring.
This video literally just taught me what touch starvation is and it explains so so so much about how I've felt. Like, there was a point in my life I've spent over a year with no physical contact with any people despite living with people, and like even now I go potentially weeks in-between a hug. Like, I'm not in a relationship, but honestly the biggest part I miss about a relationship is not any of my ex's, but the constant physical affection I received that I no longer get
I am a college student, this is my second year. For both years I did not have a roommate. It’s actually pretty crazy how happy I get now when I get any form of physical affection….
almost cried watching this video ,,, it made me feel so inhuman ,,,, like me being afraid of touch means im going against how people are supposed to be ,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Its wild that we take the people in society who are largely acting out of necessity are then punish them not just with solitary, but the entire psychological and social hell of prison. Then somehow expect them to come back into the world and participate in society in a way people who haven't been psychologically tortured cant do in a healthy way. Meanwhile, they're terrified they can be sent back at the wrong slip up. Two people very close to me were completely changed by their experience in prison and the way the people in the podcast talk about rheir experience is just... yeah its changed who they are. Psychological social and physical torture as the punishment for even the smallest crime...
thank you for all your loneliness videos recently. they make me feel less alone in my loneliness, and more open to trying to make new social connections
One of my new friends I met on new years touched held my face and I was genuinely shocked at the feeling of someone touching me, as I haven’t had skin contact with another human in months. As a lowkey hikikomori since the pandemic (I graduated in 2021) I’ve been so touch starved platonically I’ve ended up doing irrational things like listening to heartbeat sounds to fall asleep and hooking up with a stranger from a dating app as my first just so I could sit next to someone. It’s weird to think how humans as social creatures and society demonize and sexualize touch. Mothers skin to skin their newborns because touch is so important, but after puberty starts, touch is condemned. I hope I’m making sense on my thoughts lol 😅