imo it's beyond unfair & unkind to set up DAs by encouraging them to share in the comment section when they've become so hostile towards DAs & still aren't really moderated *at all* - the responses unite5438 got is an *excellent* example! *especially* when you look at the other comments left by some of the responders like raxxtango which are *all* just attacking DAs - i've found this pattern to be *quite* common among those who leave negative comments & know i'm not the only one who is disinclined to financially invest in the school when see these changes as makes me question what's allowed there
I adore my DA ❤ He’s a big, warm, naughty, kind, compassionate, thoughtful, intelligent, calm man. My heart hurts for him as much as it does for me when he pulls away…watching that internal struggle 😢
I love my DA but I can’t make him want to work on himself for himself or US. He has said everything you mentioned. I’ve given it over to God and am believing I am very much loved by HIM. I pray this video comes up on his RUclips Home Screen. And that he’d ask someone for help. He’s 59 and has a lot of buried hurt.
I am in the exact same boat. My husband has made a huge mess of things. He had a 'friendship' with a 22 year old that was very damaging and now we dont know how to come back from that. I know he loves me and I love him. I am in counseling but he refuses to go. He refuses to talk about any of this and wants to pretend it never happened.
In my case, she’s 52 and after numerous pointless breakups, we realized she’s DA. She sabotaged the relationship on Easter, causing another breakup. I’ve been in no contact since, working on me and trying to find someone else. She will die like this. Neither her family nor myself could convince her to get therapy, even when I was willing to pay half. Now, I ask everyone what their attachment style is and won’t pursue any woman who’s DA and not doing the work to be normal.
I'm with you my wife is DA too, and it's not my wife doesn't like to cuddle or show affection to as much as I would like to, but I do know that she loves me on her own way, keep praying I do it all the time
You all wrong a DA will never change. It's asking them to change everything about themselves, they are happy the way they are. If you love them, you change except it and love them for the way they are.
I cannot tell you in words how madly in love I am with him and will always be. He left because he was afraid and I deserve better. No one will ever compare. 😢❤
thais has talked about pds being focussed on helping personal development rather than trying to change others. DAs can definitely be sensitive to criticism, judgement & being "defective" but suspect most wouldn't be terribly open to someone uninvitedly trying to explain "what's wrong with them"
Lol. This is my husband 110% he says I'm viscous and venomous and all I do is put him down... that's me simply asking for affection and attention. I've given up now.
@@wizardofaus2985 sorry sounds like an uncomfortable situation for *both* of you, it sounds like *neither* of you are really being able or willing to consider where each other are coming from - hopefully you'll find both tools & healing through pds
@@wizardofaus2985 I can understand how u feel as i have been in similar situation. the thing is they have to be self aware and want to change themselves
@jeffreyyeo agree. Everything is my fault. He goes weeks without speaking to me like I just don't matter... I've only just learned about DAs and he ticks every darn box. If I ask for the smallest bit of affection I'm told I'm selfish and self absorbed.
I don't think my DA ex-partner has any interest in doing any form of self-work. It feels like it has been a monumental waste of my time and energy, trying to educate him on attachment theory or trying to support him in looking at his self-defeating beliefs and distancing strategies, or trying support him in healing in any way whatsoever. I don't want to waste any more of my time or energy trying to get him to change, evolve, heal or grow, or fix / repair the relationship, so I am going no contact indefinitely.
DA is known to dismiss and avoid interpersonal relationship to self and lack self-awareness but if they're given the concept and all the space to see the validity for themselves they'll truly get it and can overcome some major mountains. There's no convincing them tho, remember this is the independent AT who is least likely to follow anyone else blindly ever, they are see it to believe it people so focusing completely on your own healing and being a good example is all we can do and is the most helpful to do.
We should accept people as they are and leave if it's not the right relationship for us. It's not up to us who should change. It's up to them if they want to. My ex DA never wanted to be told, he did make changes but at his own pace. I had to heal my own attachment style to realize that being a FA was no easier than being or dealing with a DA. Bottom line is we need to focus on healing ourselves before trying to help others heal.
Remaining in no contact is probably a big present from yourself to yourself in 2024! Eliberating a huge space in your life for a person that fits you better and may be is willing to make things work.
remember my DA telling me early on they didn't "chase" others if they weren't interested & it's partly thanks to the insight pds has shared that when they asked if they should "keep fighting" for our relationship once i kept my incredulous confusion to myself in the moment then was able to see later when trying to see things from their perspective how much they had indeed been "fighting for" our relationship in ways my insecure FA self didn't see so easily thank you 💜
I recently added a childhood photo of my bf (def a DA) so it pops up when he texts or calls and it has positively changed the way I think about him and communicate with him. It is a consistent reminder of his inner child and reminds me to be thoughtful with my words. (I lean FA and can be harsh in reaction to his occasional coldness.) Stole the idea from an article of a couple who put their baby pics on the fridge as a similar reminder. My bf and I don’t live together but this may be just as good. He is trying and has shown shifts in his natural DA behaviors. It takes patience and understanding and an occasional nudge about these concepts. Even if they scoff, they're listening. 😅
As a DA, this is an interesting take. The whole "why bother?" Was something I adopted at LEAST back in high school. However, it was about no longer caring about what others thought of me because I figured no one was going to like me anyway. This was apparent when I joined the varsity football and basketball team at my school and was the 3rd strongest (in pull-ups) and the second fastest (in the sprint) and everyone still hated me. In college, I maintained the same mindset whilst my peers would clown me for not going out drinking with them all the time. I focused on my school work, hobbies, and interests, graduating with three college degrees and becoming an international martial arts champion. It really did make me feel good about myself. Once I entered the corporate world, I became bored as an employee and started my own business (in which I failed THREE times before I became successful) whilst "friends and family" told me I was never going to make it. Then, I became business man of the year in my town and category (this year) and people started avoiding me. Ironically, my romantic relationships were the only situations where I actually TRIED to work on things even when they were futile (looking from my perspective now). I guess if you put the "why bother?" attitude in the right place it can help you hm? 🤔
I have always wondered how come many DAs are highly successful people in their career or business. Any guidance for people like me who is looking to learn from DAs and their strengths?
You did make it work for you!!.. but so sorry you went through all of that! Glad you are able to try in the relationship area.. finding the right person to put the energy into is key... know your self worth and walk away when needed.. it's not always DA's issues or fault... many times it's the other person is just not a good fit! Xoxo
That's a very common theme for avoidants,she actually goes into in a few of her videos about WHY that is.. avoidants usually don't struggle with independence and getting "the job done" and that's actually a very good strength when it comes to business and climbing to the top, unfortunately though it's the other stuff like intimacy and CLOSE relationships that the avoidants find their true challenges at.. avoidants usually make great friends as well!.. but personal relationships like being there for their partners and finding a BALANCE is where the gap and issues occur...
@@rajeshk9175 the secret to success is to keep going no matter what hurdles you come across. One of my favorite quotes I like to use when describing my success is "it took me 10 years to become an overnight success." 😅 What are you looking to accomplish specifically?
@@DD-ic1bd yes, yes, and yes! Many people think ALL DAs sabotage their relationships, but fail to realize we're on a spectrum. Just like people are a combination of body types (I'm in the fitness industry so I like to use this example), people are a combination of attachment styles as well. I'm on the lower end of the DA spectrum, closer to secure than MOST DAs. In fact, I was actually surprised at many of the classic behaviors associated with them because I've never done them, lol. 😆
I definitely feel guilty because I've been through so much therapy and reached such a high understanding of myself through a multitude of traumas and responses throughout my life that I know that I have pushed them away on more than one occasion. I told them they were dismissive avoidant. I told them they needed therapy. I told them that I was remaining loyal while I waited for them to figure things out and I know that they weren't, etc. I shined a very bright light intense the dark corners of their psyche and they ran away.
Thank you Thais!... you are the absolute best on attachment theory knowledge... so helpful, kind and compassionate in how you explain everything.. much appreciated!❤❤❤
@@ZephyrBallard yes the shutting down, why bother, pulling away? Compassion/empathy comes naturally to me, so it would help a lot if he would open up, not “why bother.” He literally says “whatever” at that moment.
A DA doesn't seem to be able to objectively list the costs if they aren't already starting to see the light...? Also, as a FA, I too am familiar with the "why bother?" mentality, but it does exist on a wave continuum where it ebbs and flows. Sometimes there seems to be hope, but then crashes again.
iirc DAs have the *highest completion rate* a pds of *all* attachment styles but considering how many snarky & outright hostile comments there often are on DA videos don't think it's surprising most who watch them wouldn't interact
yes! click on this link and scroll through the titles that resonate with you: www.youtube.com/@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool/search?query=love%20language
Me too girl! Now we know and lead the rest of our lives in this way. With more joy and less pain in love amen. It’s never too late to grow and receive what you want love. It’s never too late. We are never too late ❤
I think I was dating a DA. We had a wonderful relationship, but she thinks I do not care, listen, etc. I would do anything for this girl. She has come back in my life a few times but will then randomly block me. She wants a deep connection, but she’s been so temperamental it’s hard to even get a chance to converse with her without feeling like I’m walking on egg shells. I just can’t imagine throwing away our relationship over these things instead of being willing to work on things. We never discuss specific conflicts. I’m not perfect but I can’t imagine any relationship working for her if she approaches them like this. Are DAs ever in denial of their feelings?
I find it highly amusing, that when person A says & decides this isn’t the right relationship for them, person B, then states that something is wrong with person A. This usually boils down, to a lack of emotional maturity, with accepting a decision, that they don’t want to hear. My gut says; If you have to work on a relationship, just to be in a relationship, then perhaps the best advice, is for the person wishing to work on the relationship, should be working on the relationship with themselves, before diagnosing another with a perceived problem.
It always takes work from both people for a relationship to succeed because every relationship shows up different areas in ourselves that need help and healing. Accepting the other person as they are, but working on your own insecure relating habits is something each prison needs to do on an ongoing basis.
I'm DA trying to repair my relationship with my FA husband. I don't quite understand what you mean by "learned helplessness". Could someone explain that to me?
i'm an FA but have had many relationships with DAs, including my current partner so hopefully this is somewhat helpful even if a bit off my understanding is DA's develop their attachment style because of emotional neglect so instead of learning effective ways to get their needs met, they learn they're unable or helpless to do so which leads to them becoming hyper independent rather than interdependent it reminds me of when my DA told me they were starting to realise they'd gotten so used to no one being interested in their day that it never occurred to them to share things with me - *years* after i'd *regularly* asked about them & often felt shut out partly as i didn't understand about our different attachment styles at the time best of luck with your husband! fwiw, thais is an FA & her partner is a DA which is probably one reason she often seems to have the best insight on our dynamics of any person i've found discussing attachment theory 💜
@@r_and_a Thank you that makes sense! And thanks for the well wishes. I am just getting started on all of this and have been learning so much! I did learn that about Thais and her husband that they used to be FA and DA too. I told my husband about it, lol! Her videos about DA's feel like she is talking exactly about me. There is so much knowledge and insight there. It's truly given me hope that I've found something that could work. My husband and I are separated and this is actually the last ray of hope I have for us to fix things. But I'm really beginning to believe that as long as we both try, this can happen.
@@KTKuhBOOM obviously all FAs are still individuals but it seems to be a particularly strong desire of ours to be understood & validated so that you not only found pds but told your husband likely means a *lot* to him & bet your belief is well founded 💜 comments on videos can get pretty negative about DAs from people lashing out but *please* don't let that discourage you, *lots* of us have positive experiences with/views of DA & y'all apparently have the *highest* completion rates with courses through pds! happy holidays ~ here's to a better 2024
can you please talk about how an avoidant might reach a point of ghosting? my ex ghosted me for over three weeks in september and i decided to end it. is that the ultimate 'why bother'?
Avoidants reach the point of ghosting when their fears overcome them. Fears of intimacy, fears of being rejected (therefore “reject first”), fears of having to face their inner demons. Whatever it is, my experience is, once they’re gone, they’re gone. It happened to me about six months ago, I simply grieved and moved on. Sounds like you made the same decision. 👍👍👍
@@sethtenrecyes u nailed it! So there’s nothing the partner can say or do? We haven’t broken up per se - I don’t see him much anyway - but he’s pulling away. 😢
@@JustMeAndMyBoy 100% no contact. Research that a little bit. But no anxious attachment person I’ve ever seen can actually stick to that. And it RARELY works to bring them back anyway, it’s mostly for your own healing but it’s 100% NO CONTACT. NO Contact of ANY KIND
I'm a DA in the extreme, it started with my parents, but honestly, it's been a progressive process after years of being treated like dirt in every relationship. I'm now 42 and have been on my own since I was 26, and the longer I've been on my own, the more DA I've become. The thought of having someone trying to insert themselves in my life now makes me shudder. Everyone hates on DAs like we're evil, we're not, we're just used to doing our own thing and don't need to cling on to someone to function as a person.
May I ask, if you're functioning perfectly well as a person why do you feel you are DA rather than secure attachment style? Secure people can choose celibacy or solitude for a variety of reasons and this does not speak to their attachment style. In what ways does your attachment style negatively affect your life? And if it doesn't, maybe you aren't an insecure attachment style after all.
absolutely agree *many* hate on DAs (think often people wrongly conflate DA with jerk when *any* attachment style can be a jerk & some superficial similarities to narcissists often gets misunderstood despite DAs being the *least* likely to be a narc) but fwiw, *some* of us really appreciate you i'm an FA but most of my relationships have been with DAs (likely partly as have cptsd from growing up with pathological narcissists so *very* wary of them) i didn't really get that was the common thread until recently but think being autistic & used to trying to understand others vs judging them is partly why DAs like me i'm so sorry you've been treated like dirt at all, let alone as much as you have 💜 i hope pds helps you heal from that & move towards secure
@@SweetMintPie555DA could think that they are functioning normally and from their perspective, they do not feel that there is anything wrong. It's when the self reflection starts to hit them as they are not getting their needs met, people leaving their lives or not having any deep meaningful connection with others. The main comment said: "Having someone trying to insert themselves in my life now makes me shudder" is already a sign of a DA. A secure individual will never feel that way unless they are burnt out, but that usually only last for a few days or weeks before returning back to their normal self. They value having people in their life as well as their own solitude, it's a balance. It's perfectly fine if the DA is happy with their life without needing much human connection or deep connection. It is not easy to heal from the trauma and it's truly an extremely painful journey which many could not take. When someday a DA feels that they really need to lead a different life, they will. We should not force them if they are not willing to do so, it will just reinforce their DA traits. The easiest way to know whether someone is insecure or secure is: Insecure expects safety before vulnerability, while secure act on vulnerability to create safety(not expect, but a standard).
Not evil at all,and I been where you have,I did the work.When someone falls in love with a DA,FA and has been through a lot of different attachment stlyes themselves. Who has achived a secure attachment through hard work and years of it and not only attachments but special needs Education issues.which has caused the attachment styles through constant rejection, since early years into primary through teens and adulthood.Its very confusing to even someone who has suffered and came out the other end because they have done all the work on themselves and dealt with relationship after relationship of DA,FA.Its hurtful and heart breaking.I am one of the most strongest paient person I know,understanding and loving.I refuse to go back to shutting myself off because I have learnt,that no matter what I don't want to ever feel that hurt and rejection ever again.We can all fill our own cups and we can all walk in the light without causing mental torture to others,through being educated in attachment stlyes.If we only understood ourselves much much more..Loving yourself is a hardest lesson of to learn but in doing the work you free yourself from so much pain and achive so much more in your life.What happened to me and lots like me never ever should have happen. I now work in early years care and I can assure you,we care and love the children in our care.We understand attachment styles very well and how they work.The reason I am in this line of work is to secure the children who are at risk of being my past.Being strong and loving yourself and realise this does have to be your life you can have such a different out come on the world and use your past to educate and support others.so they can reach their full potential in every aspect of life and their emotions.It is do able and I am living proof. I have suffered in adulthood too,I could have shut myself off and hurt others but I am never ever going back there belive in yourself, we are all lovable and can all give love after we learn to love ourselfs.Our past does have to be our future!!! Our past doesn't define us.That's what I told myself over and over.The days of looking in the mirror and hating myself are gone,I am good enough and so is the DA I love,I belive in him, like noone before me has but I am going to lose him I know.Here is my time from being with advoidents 7 and half years 3 differen people DA and FA'S and all completely different in ways.Yes there are simular snigs but just like S.E.N.D every austic, dyslexic and ADHD ect are completely different personalities and have experienced different difficulties throughout their lives added to that ACE's children.(Adverse Childhood Experiences) Here laids the work I do.Its a circle that is changing but only with the passion of the people who work in it, to embed reliance in our future generations to come.We teach children to have a voice to be heard and value and encouragement them to be themselves and be proud of them as individuals,we also encourage a sense of belonging The most important thing I have learnt through my life is,I am different in the way I think and express my feelings and my emotions,I speak out.I am no longer afraid of what others think and belive me,they have listen.I am a firm beliver that children in EYFS and schools should be tought the attachment stlyes, to know themselves,understand themselves to receive for the support they need in being a strong resilient human in the world.Adults find this hard,there is no shame, just reach out and belive,when you do this your world will open up, from gery to a colourful spectrum.The choice is yours.Education is changing in the roles we carry out and I say thank God!!!!!
My DA is emotionally lazy & self-centered. Talks a big love story but physically demonstrates NOTHING. His whole life is like that, he's 40 and won't get a job. I have finally gotten sick of him.
Perhaps the (stop-gap) solution is for the person with DA attachment to be with another person with DA attachment; AP with AP; and secure with secure. But, wait a minute. These opposite styles, the DA and AP or FA, are often attracted to each other! So, there is something from the other attachment strategy they're getting, and this seems to be fundamental. (Even throughout the animal kingdom, courtship tends to involve some sort of chase, mock-combat, or dance.) Notice how two same attachment styles, secure excepted, don't usually end up together. So, perhaps they are seeing traits in the other that they would like, admire, or have disowned. Just some rambling thoughts on the mess that is love in today's world.
How can a DA improve if they don't or can't even acknowledge that there's a problem? I would suggest that the most intense DA's just can't get better. It's sad.
Secure attached is the only correct standard. Anxious seems to be focused on making the DA change to how they are instead of working on themselves to become secure. Smacks of control and DA's have difficulty with being controlled.
thais has said how FAs being open about ourselves often can help DAs get more comfortable with the concept itself ~ my DA has shared that's been true for them, as well as my consistent interest & non judgemental acceptance has encouraged them to open up more fwiw, just as the anxious-avoidant trap can sort of snowball, i've found the inverse is also powerful. the more i actively try to understand & appreciate the DAs in my life, the more they tend to be willing to connect with & validate me 💜
If DAs can't see you at least once a week, have an outing at least once a month and they live nearby and are semi-retired, then it's not sustainable as much I Love and understand his DA traits :(
There really are. I was just thinking this yesterday. I'd like to think they rotate between all of the attachment style, but the business woman in me wonders if they do it because DA posts get the most comments which increases their algorithms. That's just speculation of course.
@@trollhunter3944 I personally think it would be beneficial to have more AP videos because they seem to be the ones who have a hard time taking accountability as they're the "nice" ones so they don't see anything they do or say as troublesome. Unfortunately, AP videos don't get much interaction because they'd rather be on DA videos blaming them for everything. Edit: I was just on a FA video and a couple of AP's just asked for more videos to learn about themselves and I love that. So I'll insert my foot into my mouth and say that some do want help and not looking just to blame.
Is this a fa or da break up message? “And btw im not a psychopath for shutting down and expecting ppl to read my mind. I alwys try to explain, but u cant expect me to b sick and explain to u how to take care of me. Thats really unfair. I told u this earlier too, u make couple with a person where u dont have to explain. And the worst part about our converstions alwys is, ur take away is u r a gud guy and im trying to run away from u and u keep trying. But after evry fight i see u, i see nthng changed, its alwys words u say that r nice. U can keep the narrative u want from the time we spent together, but we r not on same page on how this went down. For me u r guy who keeps making me angry and wrong for wanting simple connection and attachment.” We got in fights because I couldn’t read her mind. I never called her a psychopath so it’s odd she would say that. I complained that she wouldn’t tell me what’s on her mind or when she’s upset and hated the silent treatments. I felt like I was always guessing what she wanted
I'm actually a proud poster boy in the "DA" spectrum, but currently identity as a total servant to the tooth fairy agenda, whereas we live in a perfect world where everyone is just delighted to validate my existence. Shalom
DAs! Type "YES" in the comments if this resonates with you!
imo it's beyond unfair & unkind to set up DAs by encouraging them to share in the comment section when they've become so hostile towards DAs & still aren't really moderated *at all* - the responses unite5438 got is an *excellent* example! *especially* when you look at the other comments left by some of the responders like raxxtango which are *all* just attacking DAs - i've found this pattern to be *quite* common among those who leave negative comments & know i'm not the only one who is disinclined to financially invest in the school when see these changes as makes me question what's allowed there
I adore my DA ❤ He’s a big, warm, naughty, kind, compassionate, thoughtful, intelligent, calm man. My heart hurts for him as much as it does for me when he pulls away…watching that internal struggle 😢
It went from him wanting to marry me to picking at every flaw of mine to shutting down to dumping me to rebounding real quick.
Yes, everything but the rebounding here, though I don’t be surprised if he does
I love my DA but I can’t make him want to work on himself for himself or US. He has said everything you mentioned. I’ve given it over to God and am believing I am very much loved by HIM. I pray this video comes up on his RUclips Home Screen. And that he’d ask someone for help. He’s 59 and has a lot of buried hurt.
I am in the exact same boat. My husband has made a huge mess of things. He had a 'friendship' with a 22 year old that was very damaging and now we dont know how to come back from that. I know he loves me and I love him. I am in counseling but he refuses to go. He refuses to talk about any of this and wants to pretend it never happened.
I could have written this!!
In my case, she’s 52 and after numerous pointless breakups, we realized she’s DA. She sabotaged the relationship on Easter, causing another breakup. I’ve been in no contact since, working on me and trying to find someone else. She will die like this. Neither her family nor myself could convince her to get therapy, even when I was willing to pay half. Now, I ask everyone what their attachment style is and won’t pursue any woman who’s DA and not doing the work to be normal.
I'm with you my wife is DA too, and it's not my wife doesn't like to cuddle or show affection to as much as I would like to, but I do know that she loves me on her own way, keep praying I do it all the time
You all wrong a DA will never change. It's asking them to change everything about themselves, they are happy the way they are. If you love them, you change except it and love them for the way they are.
I cannot tell you in words how madly in love I am with him and will always be. He left because he was afraid and I deserve better. No one will ever compare.
😢❤
100%
“In love with” is just a feeling, you’ll get over it.
Giving love is an action
The thing is if u try explaining this to a DA, they start to think u are criticising and judging them
thais has talked about pds being focussed on helping personal development rather than trying to change others. DAs can definitely be sensitive to criticism, judgement & being "defective" but suspect most wouldn't be terribly open to someone uninvitedly trying to explain "what's wrong with them"
Lol. This is my husband 110% he says I'm viscous and venomous and all I do is put him down... that's me simply asking for affection and attention.
I've given up now.
@@wizardofaus2985 sorry sounds like an uncomfortable situation for *both* of you, it sounds like *neither* of you are really being able or willing to consider where each other are coming from - hopefully you'll find both tools & healing through pds
@@wizardofaus2985 I can understand how u feel as i have been in similar situation. the thing is they have to be self aware and want to change themselves
@jeffreyyeo agree. Everything is my fault. He goes weeks without speaking to me like I just don't matter... I've only just learned about DAs and he ticks every darn box. If I ask for the smallest bit of affection I'm told I'm selfish and self absorbed.
Her content is so accurate! The why bother belief and learned helplessness makes sense!
❤
I never considered the cost of inaction, thank you for that insight.
I don't think my DA ex-partner has any interest in doing any form of self-work. It feels like it has been a monumental waste of my time and energy, trying to educate him on attachment theory or trying to support him in looking at his self-defeating beliefs and distancing strategies, or trying support him in healing in any way whatsoever.
I don't want to waste any more of my time or energy trying to get him to change, evolve, heal or grow, or fix / repair the relationship, so I am going no contact indefinitely.
DA is known to dismiss and avoid interpersonal relationship to self and lack self-awareness but if they're given the concept and all the space to see the validity for themselves they'll truly get it and can overcome some major mountains. There's no convincing them tho, remember this is the independent AT who is least likely to follow anyone else blindly ever, they are see it to believe it people so focusing completely on your own healing and being a good example is all we can do and is the most helpful to do.
We should accept people as they are and leave if it's not the right relationship for us. It's not up to us who should change. It's up to them if they want to. My ex DA never wanted to be told, he did make changes but at his own pace. I had to heal my own attachment style to realize that being a FA was no easier than being or dealing with a DA. Bottom line is we need to focus on healing ourselves before trying to help others heal.
@@LeeChrissy💯!!!!
Remaining in no contact is probably a big present from yourself to yourself in 2024!
Eliberating a huge space in your life for a person that fits you better and may be is willing to make things work.
They definitely have a fear of looking inward. Deep shame I suspect
remember my DA telling me early on they didn't "chase" others if they weren't interested & it's partly thanks to the insight pds has shared that when they asked if they should "keep fighting" for our relationship once i kept my incredulous confusion to myself in the moment then was able to see later when trying to see things from their perspective how much they had indeed been "fighting for" our relationship in ways my insecure FA self didn't see so easily
thank you 💜
I recently added a childhood photo of my bf (def a DA) so it pops up when he texts or calls and it has positively changed the way I think about him and communicate with him. It is a consistent reminder of his inner child and reminds me to be thoughtful with my words. (I lean FA and can be harsh in reaction to his occasional coldness.)
Stole the idea from an article of a couple who put their baby pics on the fridge as a similar reminder. My bf and I don’t live together but this may be just as good.
He is trying and has shown shifts in his natural DA behaviors. It takes patience and understanding and an occasional nudge about these concepts. Even if they scoff, they're listening. 😅
HeyEmmy what can we do or say please? 😢
Yep, just ended a relationship because I thought "why bother talking it out? It likely won't help" 🙃
Thanks for these videos Thais. They have been a great help 🙏🏾🙌🏽
Understanding & Empathy 💞🙏🏼
❤
As a DA, this is an interesting take. The whole "why bother?" Was something I adopted at LEAST back in high school. However, it was about no longer caring about what others thought of me because I figured no one was going to like me anyway. This was apparent when I joined the varsity football and basketball team at my school and was the 3rd strongest (in pull-ups) and the second fastest (in the sprint) and everyone still hated me.
In college, I maintained the same mindset whilst my peers would clown me for not going out drinking with them all the time. I focused on my school work, hobbies, and interests, graduating with three college degrees and becoming an international martial arts champion. It really did make me feel good about myself.
Once I entered the corporate world, I became bored as an employee and started my own business (in which I failed THREE times before I became successful) whilst "friends and family" told me I was never going to make it. Then, I became business man of the year in my town and category (this year) and people started avoiding me.
Ironically, my romantic relationships were the only situations where I actually TRIED to work on things even when they were futile (looking from my perspective now). I guess if you put the "why bother?" attitude in the right place it can help you hm? 🤔
I have always wondered how come many DAs are highly successful people in their career or business. Any guidance for people like me who is looking to learn from DAs and their strengths?
You did make it work for you!!.. but so sorry you went through all of that! Glad you are able to try in the relationship area.. finding the right person to put the energy into is key... know your self worth and walk away when needed.. it's not always DA's issues or fault... many times it's the other person is just not a good fit! Xoxo
That's a very common theme for avoidants,she actually goes into in a few of her videos about WHY that is.. avoidants usually don't struggle with independence and getting "the job done" and that's actually a very good strength when it comes to business and climbing to the top, unfortunately though it's the other stuff like intimacy and CLOSE relationships that the avoidants find their true challenges at.. avoidants usually make great friends as well!.. but personal relationships like being there for their partners and finding a BALANCE is where the gap and issues occur...
@@rajeshk9175 the secret to success is to keep going no matter what hurdles you come across. One of my favorite quotes I like to use when describing my success is "it took me 10 years to become an overnight success." 😅 What are you looking to accomplish specifically?
@@DD-ic1bd yes, yes, and yes! Many people think ALL DAs sabotage their relationships, but fail to realize we're on a spectrum. Just like people are a combination of body types (I'm in the fitness industry so I like to use this example), people are a combination of attachment styles as well. I'm on the lower end of the DA spectrum, closer to secure than MOST DAs. In fact, I was actually surprised at many of the classic behaviors associated with them because I've never done them, lol. 😆
I definitely feel guilty because I've been through so much therapy and reached such a high understanding of myself through a multitude of traumas and responses throughout my life that I know that I have pushed them away on more than one occasion. I told them they were dismissive avoidant. I told them they needed therapy. I told them that I was remaining loyal while I waited for them to figure things out and I know that they weren't, etc.
I shined a very bright light intense the dark corners of their psyche and they ran away.
Thank you Thais!... you are the absolute best on attachment theory knowledge... so helpful, kind and compassionate in how you explain everything.. much appreciated!❤❤❤
You're so welcome! Thanks for your thoughtful comment ❤
She’s so brilliant yes!!❤❤
Your content is on point. I still my remember my first "why bother" moment, too
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Zephyr please share how to get through, what to say! 😢
@@JustMeAndMyBoy I'm sorry, I'm not sure what you mean. Are you asking how to get through that "why bother" moment?
@@ZephyrBallard yes the shutting down, why bother, pulling away? Compassion/empathy comes naturally to me, so it would help a lot if he would open up, not “why bother.” He literally says “whatever” at that moment.
@@ZephyrBallard and do u think reaching out to him on Valentine’s Day is a bad idea, too much?
💯💥 Having a partner like this! Great suggestions and strategies offered here!❤
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The man i dated KNOWS he does this but still does it
It's been over 10 years since I've tried
A DA doesn't seem to be able to objectively list the costs if they aren't already starting to see the light...?
Also, as a FA, I too am familiar with the "why bother?" mentality, but it does exist on a wave continuum where it ebbs and flows. Sometimes there seems to be hope, but then crashes again.
Yes. I’m FA and I’m so sick of the constant hope then disappointment.
But what can we the partner do or say so they feel differently??? I have so much empathy for them, breaks my heart. 😢
My partner and I definitely need your help!
Are DA's listening to this or is it DA Partners and DA-Ex Partners here😅
DA-Ex Here ❤ I'm FA-healing
\mostly\ focusing on myself now!
iirc DAs have the *highest completion rate* a pds of *all* attachment styles but considering how many snarky & outright hostile comments there often are on DA videos don't think it's surprising most who watch them wouldn't interact
What if it works for you as an adult and the downside is an acceptable loss?
Did you ever talk about the love languages (give and receive) of the different attachment styles?
Yes she did
yes! click on this link and scroll through the titles that resonate with you:
www.youtube.com/@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool/search?query=love%20language
YES I wish I knew about this when I was young (teens or 20's)
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Me too girl! Now we know and lead the rest of our lives in this way. With more joy and less pain in love amen. It’s never too late to grow and receive what you want love. It’s never too late. We are never too late ❤
I think I was dating a DA. We had a wonderful relationship, but she thinks I do not care, listen, etc. I would do anything for this girl. She has come back in my life a few times but will then randomly block me. She wants a deep connection, but she’s been so temperamental it’s hard to even get a chance to converse with her without feeling like I’m walking on egg shells. I just can’t imagine throwing away our relationship over these things instead of being willing to work on things. We never discuss specific conflicts. I’m not perfect but I can’t imagine any relationship working for her if she approaches them like this. Are DAs ever in denial of their feelings?
I find it highly amusing, that when person A says & decides this isn’t the right relationship for them, person B, then states that something is wrong with person A. This usually boils down, to a lack of emotional maturity, with accepting a decision, that they don’t want to hear.
My gut says; If you have to work on a relationship, just to be in a relationship, then perhaps the best advice, is for the person wishing to work on the relationship, should be working on the relationship with themselves, before diagnosing another with a perceived problem.
It always takes work from both people for a relationship to succeed because every relationship shows up different areas in ourselves that need help and healing. Accepting the other person as they are, but working on your own insecure relating habits is something each prison needs to do on an ongoing basis.
@@angelam.e.richardson3501 good comment!!
Too easy this. Love means work on yourselve...
I'm DA trying to repair my relationship with my FA husband. I don't quite understand what you mean by "learned helplessness". Could someone explain that to me?
i'm an FA but have had many relationships with DAs, including my current partner so hopefully this is somewhat helpful even if a bit off
my understanding is DA's develop their attachment style because of emotional neglect so instead of learning effective ways to get their needs met, they learn they're unable or helpless to do so which leads to them becoming hyper independent rather than interdependent
it reminds me of when my DA told me they were starting to realise they'd gotten so used to no one being interested in their day that it never occurred to them to share things with me - *years* after i'd *regularly* asked about them & often felt shut out partly as i didn't understand about our different attachment styles at the time
best of luck with your husband! fwiw, thais is an FA & her partner is a DA which is probably one reason she often seems to have the best insight on our dynamics of any person i've found discussing attachment theory 💜
@@r_and_a Thank you that makes sense! And thanks for the well wishes. I am just getting started on all of this and have been learning so much!
I did learn that about Thais and her husband that they used to be FA and DA too. I told my husband about it, lol! Her videos about DA's feel like she is talking exactly about me. There is so much knowledge and insight there. It's truly given me hope that I've found something that could work.
My husband and I are separated and this is actually the last ray of hope I have for us to fix things. But I'm really beginning to believe that as long as we both try, this can happen.
@@KTKuhBOOM obviously all FAs are still individuals but it seems to be a particularly strong desire of ours to be understood & validated so that you not only found pds but told your husband likely means a *lot* to him & bet your belief is well founded 💜
comments on videos can get pretty negative about DAs from people lashing out but *please* don't let that discourage you, *lots* of us have positive experiences with/views of DA & y'all apparently have the *highest* completion rates with courses through pds!
happy holidays ~ here's to a better 2024
can you please talk about how an avoidant might reach a point of ghosting? my ex ghosted me for over three weeks in september and i decided to end it. is that the ultimate 'why bother'?
Avoidants reach the point of ghosting when their fears overcome them. Fears of intimacy, fears of being rejected (therefore “reject first”), fears of having to face their inner demons. Whatever it is, my experience is, once they’re gone, they’re gone. It happened to me about six months ago, I simply grieved and moved on. Sounds like you made the same decision. 👍👍👍
@@sethtenrecyes u nailed it! So there’s nothing the partner can say or do? We haven’t broken up per se - I don’t see him much anyway - but he’s pulling away. 😢
@@JustMeAndMyBoy 100% no contact. Research that a little bit. But no anxious attachment person I’ve ever seen can actually stick to that. And it RARELY works to bring them back anyway, it’s mostly for your own healing but it’s 100% NO CONTACT.
NO
Contact of ANY KIND
I'm a DA in the extreme, it started with my parents, but honestly, it's been a progressive process after years of being treated like dirt in every relationship. I'm now 42 and have been on my own since I was 26, and the longer I've been on my own, the more DA I've become. The thought of having someone trying to insert themselves in my life now makes me shudder.
Everyone hates on DAs like we're evil, we're not, we're just used to doing our own thing and don't need to cling on to someone to function as a person.
May I ask, if you're functioning perfectly well as a person why do you feel you are DA rather than secure attachment style? Secure people can choose celibacy or solitude for a variety of reasons and this does not speak to their attachment style. In what ways does your attachment style negatively affect your life? And if it doesn't, maybe you aren't an insecure attachment style after all.
absolutely agree *many* hate on DAs (think often people wrongly conflate DA with jerk when *any* attachment style can be a jerk & some superficial similarities to narcissists often gets misunderstood despite DAs being the *least* likely to be a narc) but fwiw, *some* of us really appreciate you
i'm an FA but most of my relationships have been with DAs (likely partly as have cptsd from growing up with pathological narcissists so *very* wary of them) i didn't really get that was the common thread until recently but think being autistic & used to trying to understand others vs judging them is partly why DAs like me
i'm so sorry you've been treated like dirt at all, let alone as much as you have 💜 i hope pds helps you heal from that & move towards secure
@@SweetMintPie555DA could think that they are functioning normally and from their perspective, they do not feel that there is anything wrong. It's when the self reflection starts to hit them as they are not getting their needs met, people leaving their lives or not having any deep meaningful connection with others.
The main comment said: "Having someone trying to insert themselves in my life now makes me shudder" is already a sign of a DA. A secure individual will never feel that way unless they are burnt out, but that usually only last for a few days or weeks before returning back to their normal self. They value having people in their life as well as their own solitude, it's a balance.
It's perfectly fine if the DA is happy with their life without needing much human connection or deep connection. It is not easy to heal from the trauma and it's truly an extremely painful journey which many could not take. When someday a DA feels that they really need to lead a different life, they will. We should not force them if they are not willing to do so, it will just reinforce their DA traits.
The easiest way to know whether someone is insecure or secure is:
Insecure expects safety before vulnerability,
while secure act on vulnerability to create safety(not expect, but a standard).
Not evil at all,and I been where you have,I did the work.When someone falls in love with a DA,FA and has been through a lot of different attachment stlyes themselves. Who has achived a secure attachment through hard work and years of it and not only attachments but special needs Education issues.which has caused the attachment styles through constant rejection, since early years into primary through teens and adulthood.Its very confusing to even someone who has suffered and came out the other end because they have done all the work on themselves and dealt with relationship after relationship of DA,FA.Its hurtful and heart breaking.I am one of the most strongest paient person I know,understanding and loving.I refuse to go back to shutting myself off because I have learnt,that no matter what I don't want to ever feel that hurt and rejection ever again.We can all fill our own cups and we can all walk in the light without causing mental torture to others,through being educated in attachment stlyes.If we only understood ourselves much much more..Loving yourself is a hardest lesson of to learn but in doing the work you free yourself from so much pain and achive so much more in your life.What happened to me and lots like me never ever should have happen.
I now work in early years care and I can assure you,we care and love the children in our care.We understand attachment styles very well and how they work.The reason I am in this line of work is to secure the children who are at risk of being my past.Being strong and loving yourself and realise this does have to be your life you can have such a different out come on the world and use your past to educate and support others.so they can reach their full potential in every aspect of life and their emotions.It is do able and I am living proof.
I have suffered in adulthood too,I could have shut myself off and hurt others but I am never ever going back there belive in yourself, we are all lovable and can all give love after we learn to love ourselfs.Our past does have to be our future!!! Our past doesn't define us.That's what I told myself over and over.The days of looking in the mirror and hating myself are gone,I am good enough and so is the DA I love,I belive in him, like noone before me has but I am going to lose him I know.Here is my time from being with advoidents 7 and half years 3 differen people DA and FA'S and all completely different in ways.Yes there are simular snigs but just like S.E.N.D every austic, dyslexic and ADHD ect are completely different personalities and have experienced different difficulties throughout their lives added to that ACE's children.(Adverse Childhood Experiences) Here laids the work I do.Its a circle that is changing but only with the passion of the people who work in it, to embed reliance in our future generations to come.We teach children to have a voice to be heard and value and encouragement them to be themselves and be proud of them as individuals,we also encourage a sense of belonging The most important thing I have learnt through my life is,I am different in the way I think and express my feelings
and my emotions,I speak out.I am no longer afraid of what others think and belive me,they have listen.I am a firm beliver that children in EYFS and schools should be tought the attachment stlyes, to know themselves,understand themselves to receive for the support they need in being a strong resilient human in the world.Adults find this hard,there is no shame, just reach out and belive,when you do this your world will open up, from gery to a colourful spectrum.The choice is yours.Education is changing in the roles we carry out and I say thank God!!!!!
So don’t date. Period. Okay?
My DA is emotionally lazy & self-centered. Talks a big love story but physically demonstrates NOTHING. His whole life is like that, he's 40 and won't get a job. I have finally gotten sick of him.
Perhaps the (stop-gap) solution is for the person with DA attachment to be with another person with DA attachment; AP with AP; and secure with secure. But, wait a minute. These opposite styles, the DA and AP or FA, are often attracted to each other! So, there is something from the other attachment strategy they're getting, and this seems to be fundamental. (Even throughout the animal kingdom, courtship tends to involve some sort of chase, mock-combat, or dance.) Notice how two same attachment styles, secure excepted, don't usually end up together. So, perhaps they are seeing traits in the other that they would like, admire, or have disowned. Just some rambling thoughts on the mess that is love in today's world.
If DA doesnt want to work on themselves or things but just wants to do what the want, then....
Yea, I have dealt with that. He also sabotaged by cheating over and over again for years when we are married with 2 kids. It drained me and I am done.
How can a DA improve if they don't or can't even acknowledge that there's a problem? I would suggest that the most intense DA's just can't get better. It's sad.
Secure attached is the only correct standard. Anxious seems to be focused on making the DA change to how they are instead of working on themselves to become secure. Smacks of control and DA's have difficulty with being controlled.
@ashton1952 Same issues will likely be present with a SA if the DA doesn't commit to changing. Secures don't magically cure people.
So what can a FA do to help DA open up to us….what tools or actions do we need to have ?
thais has said how FAs being open about ourselves often can help DAs get more comfortable with the concept itself ~ my DA has shared that's been true for them, as well as my consistent interest & non judgemental acceptance has encouraged them to open up more
fwiw, just as the anxious-avoidant trap can sort of snowball, i've found the inverse is also powerful. the more i actively try to understand & appreciate the DAs in my life, the more they tend to be willing to connect with & validate me 💜
DA's ❤❤❤
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If DAs can't see you at least once a week, have an outing at least once a month and they live nearby and are semi-retired, then it's not sustainable as much I Love and understand his DA traits :(
60 days to be an attachment counselor, Bull shit to that.
There are so many videos on dismissive avoidants.
There really are. I was just thinking this yesterday. I'd like to think they rotate between all of the attachment style, but the business woman in me wonders if they do it because DA posts get the most comments which increases their algorithms. That's just speculation of course.
@@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life You might be right. Other attachment styles are pretty boring compared to DAs
@@trollhunter3944 I personally think it would be beneficial to have more AP videos because they seem to be the ones who have a hard time taking accountability as they're the "nice" ones so they don't see anything they do or say as troublesome. Unfortunately, AP videos don't get much interaction because they'd rather be on DA videos blaming them for everything.
Edit: I was just on a FA video and a couple of AP's just asked for more videos to learn about themselves and I love that. So I'll insert my foot into my mouth and say that some do want help and not looking just to blame.
@@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life I agree.
Is this a fa or da break up message?
“And btw im not a psychopath for shutting down and expecting ppl to read my mind. I alwys try to explain, but u cant expect me to b sick and explain to u how to take care of me. Thats really unfair.
I told u this earlier too, u make couple with a person where u dont have to explain.
And the worst part about our converstions alwys is, ur take away is u r a gud guy and im trying to run away from u and u keep trying. But after evry fight i see u, i see nthng changed, its alwys words u say that r nice.
U can keep the narrative u want from the time we spent together, but we r not on same page on how this went down.
For me u r guy who keeps making me angry and wrong for wanting simple connection and attachment.”
We got in fights because I couldn’t read her mind. I never called her a psychopath so it’s odd she would say that. I complained that she wouldn’t tell me what’s on her mind or when she’s upset and hated the silent treatments. I felt like I was always guessing what she wanted
FA
@@spikygreen ahh ok, thanks
I'm actually a proud poster boy in the "DA" spectrum, but currently identity as a total servant to the tooth fairy agenda, whereas we live in a perfect world where everyone is just delighted to validate my existence. Shalom
NOT SURE WHAT UR TALKING ABOUT BUT LETS FCKNG GOOOO 🤙🤟🫶