You are strong hell i go to school with the stress of exams, classmates and some time's friend groups bottling it up but I'm a student and your an adult but even then i imagine it's just as bed if not worse And you have all this over stuff to deal with to be frank i confused at the fact that you can spill out your guts to hundreds as hard as it is and I struggle to talk to friends on a heart to heart so that's a trait i admire
Thank you for your kind comments. I hope that someday you'll be able to tell your friends how you feel too. I rarely can without hurting them so this is my way of saying it without saying it directly to them.
This has been my past 6 months with - frankly, the most wonderful partner I've ever had in over 30 years of relationships, most of which were very long-term. She drew up boundaries, but I was the only one that followed them. When she would break them, there always was an excuse at the ready, and I forgave her. Heck, some of them didn't even matter to me; what upset me the more is that all of them were HER clear boundaries that we agreed upon. Nothing I had imposed on her. However, after multiple breakups and make-ups from her side, I did eventually leave after I caught her cheating on me and realizing it wasn't the first time either. She was regularly trying to make me jealous while pointing out that she was just within the outlined boundaries, but acting jealous over me merely talking to a friend. The imbalance in this relationship was off the charts. She put a lot of effort into covering the cheating up not realizing that I had, only by chance, become witness to all of it. I was always there for her, loved her no matter what, tried to anticipate her needs and stand at the ready, helped her make major sources of worry and pain in her life disappear - one minor thing she tanked me, a big one she didn't even bother to tell me it actually worked out - I don't understand how she could not have known that I was still there, being anxious for her about a problem that was long resolved. I still love her now even though she flat out told me "I lied to you and did all these things because I NEED you to hate me" in the very same breath she used to tell me how thankful she is for everything I've given her and that she could have never dreamed to ever receive a love like the one I showed her in a life like hers. She wanted to rid herself of me, so I wouldn't have to suffer. Even though I, out of my own free will, knowing everything we were facing, wanted to stay with her. The one thing she asks of me, to tell her I hate her, I could never do, I love her so goddamn much, but throughout these months she reduced me to a pile of ash and I have no strength left in me. We have not a single step forward to show for on any front, only steps backwards in terms of how the relationship was going. To some degree I have been walking on egg shells around her, but I've always been real to her, honest, told her things that might have been uncomfortable to hear, held things back in the emotional moments to bring them up later - and even then only after carefully considering how to phrase things. As best I could, anyway. And while my friends think of this as a form of censoring my thoughts, I don't think it is because everything I wanted to say, eventually got out. I opened up to her in ways I never did with anyone else, just to show that I am an open book and that she can in fact trust me. That there is nothing to fear when it comes to me. But she weaponized that information in an effort to make me hate her, which was heartbreaking. She would only very rarely engage when I was telling her anything about myself. When I asked her about how she feels about some of the things I mentioned - things that clearly did require her feedback - she just responded with "I don't know what to say.". And these subjects would never get revisited. Oftentimes I felt like I'm talking/writing to a wall, wasn't even sure if she listened, read it :( But sometimes she would say something - a lot later that confirmed that she must have. I have spent ungodly amounts of time trying to, first, figure out what it was she struggled with, then even more time on learning and figuring out how to help her address these problems. I hardly knew anything about BPD except having had an extremely brief, extremely negative experience with someone suffering from a whole lot of other co-morbid conditions,... followed by a good friend of mine that I spoke to about it at the time opening up that he is suffering from it too, but learned to manage it so well that nobody can tell anymore. Throughout this relationship I often thought of him, just admiring what he managed to do. I think through talking she did eventually realize where the issue stemmed from, but simultaneously insisted there was no hope and no helping her. While, from where I am sitting it all makes sense now, the path is so clear. Granted it's long, painful, arduous, but it's there. Yet I couldn't get her to take more than a few steps with me before she ran back. We would talk about how we could address issues we were having, and every time we would make even a little progress I felt like the happiest person on earth, had all my hope renewed, only to find this progress vanish the very next day. It was so disheartening. From what I can tell, she wanted to get better, she truly did, but even with someone by her side it was too hard. Maybe it was the very thing that made it harder. It was a surreal experience, and I still love her so goddamn much, in some ways she's done more for me than any partner has in the past - but she broke me in other ways that I am still struggling to comprehend. I love her, but also hate what she's done to me, what she's taken from me, and also what she's robbed herself of. If something that happened between us that commanded time to think about and process, even though clearly communicated usually was already grounds to set up the next break-up. I can feel your struggle, and hers, and hearing how long the journey can be, how long yours has been so far - it kills me. Knowing that she'd rather suffer on her own, keeping toxic friends around (because they don't care and ARE therefore more consistent) and pushing genuinely good ones away (because they care and do struggle with what is going on a whole lot more) - all because that's a state she's the most comfortable with. I've heard therapists do struggle a great deal to treat clients with these problems, because it is such an uncertain, long, constant up-hill battle with a lot of set-backs. And I feel as a partner with deep emotional involvement, we are facing insurmountable odds. The freakiest part is knowing, that what we as partners are experiencing, must feel very similar to walking a mile in your shoes, only that you had to endure it for so much longer and suffered the consequences for it. And now, after everything, I even struggle to just "be". Towards the end I started having panic attacks that I had to seek help for myself. The way I think has changed, the way I act has changed. The trust issues I had before entering the relationship pale in comparison to what I am dealing with now. I cannot help but constantly wonder how much of what happened between us was even real, what of it she maybe did just to punish herself, or to hurt me. And I have no way of ever knowing because she wouldn't ever open up about it - I don't think she was even able to because I got the impression that a lot aren't conscious decisions - they just happen with the realization of what occurred lagging behind. Leaving no answer for a "why". And the more puzzle pieces now slowly reveal themselves in the aftermath, the more I uncover just how much she has been hiding from me, and for no good reason, mind you; making it so much worse. Life can be so cruel. But I wish you all the best. I don't think anyone who's cared for you and has actually been trying would ever judge you. I don't judge her for that matter. I am just... so... incredibly sad - and disillusioned with this and the world as a whole. The shame, guilt and self-hatred you might feel after an episode, that's just you being disappointed in yourself. I can assure you that any good partner would be very understanding, feel your pain, reassure you and continue to love you. Which in turn you wouldn't understand because it cannot be, making the cycle continue. Why did I write this? Probably the same reason you posted your video. I just wanted to share how the perspective of a partner can look like. Talking about it helps. Now I feel a little better, at least for a short while. When I was talking to friends during that time I often found myself wishing I could talk to my partner the same way. But communication proved to be the biggest hurdle.
@@vrhyrsh I’m so incredibly happy to have heard your story and perspective as a partner. When I’m in the middle of an episode it’s very easy to blind myself to what the people who love me are going through and instead put lies and false ideas in their mouth and just say “that’s how it really is.” I’m glad I have a partner who cares about me so much despite my condition. And one who learns about me and has clear boundaries and stable behaviour. Sometimes we have our rocky emotional moments but we always talk honestly about it in time. My partner supports my efforts to change myself. The reason I’ve been in therapy this long is because I know I need to get better and become a better person. You could say I have hope I can do it. I’ve met many people who have no hope in themselves and stay stuck in their pain and suffering for the rest of their life, unable to learn to grow and move forward. It’s sad to see. Even if I hate myself, hurt everyone and believe I can’t change, I still have to try for the sake of those who love me. You sound like a great partner, you were there for the good and the bad. But your partner took advantage of you with the boundaries they set and violated. You were accepting of them and forgave them easily, while keeping an open dialogue to talk about uncomfortable things, but they didn’t listen. You did so much that would have made me cry. But even with me, there was a time with my past partners I got scared of being tied down, I got scared of not being able to express myself, I got scared of losing my freedom, I went out and cheated anyways. I was so afraid but at the same time afraid of losing the only stability I had. It wasn’t until much later of reflection that I realized what I did and who I had hurt. It’s the reason I’m so self reflective, careful of my emotions and working so hard to improve. I don’t want to be this person anymore: Thank you again for sharing. I’m sorry your partner barely tried to improve. I hope you can find your peace with it someday and trust again.
@@JustusLynetta I like to think that she did try within her means. When we met she didn't seem aware of what made her life so incredibly miserable for her. She had a really rough childhood with a BPD parent and the other parent rarely around. By the time her grandmother stepped in to take her away from all of it, it was already too late. And to say life hadn't been kind to her since is an understatement. I watched your "A Talk with the Past" series and the second part when you talked about the one that was different than all the others... I'd like to think that I might have been that one to her. And the first part, "of course, we can never forget them [...] we will always carry them within our hearts, even if we've left theirs". I can promise you, at least some of them do still have you in their hearts, as I will always carry her- closer than anybody... As weird as that may sound after everything. Nothing that happens is ever truly forgotten. We might try to push aside the bad, sometimes even succeed for a while, but all memories inevitably come back. That's why the only way to truly overcome them is reprocess them from a different perspective (might even take 20 years like it did me). But the good memories, we hold close and never let go of. And with all the ups, downs and intensity this type of relationship brings, I guarantee you there will be plenty of memories that will stay with them, vividly, forever. I can still relive moments 6 months ago as if they'd be happening right now - memories I can actually feel - I never had anything like that. Most days I can barely remember what I was doing the day before. Once you're doing better, be sure to reach out to your one if that's at all possible - to tell them about your journey. They'd love nothing more than to know you're doing better. You might see yourself as the villain, but you aren't. We're all just the product of what this world made us. And we all have the potential to change as we see fit as long as the conditions are right. Some things I've done for her, did make her cry... and you know, even when she had broken up with me before, she was always concerned about me, and my safety when I was in an unfamiliar environment. Who does that unless they truly love you? (And this is me, trying to convince myself that it was all real, and explain the negative away.) Also shows that if you love, you love... and even if my previous partners managed to completely nullify my feelings for them, that's a process that took years. Here's to a brighter future, for all of us. And thanks for posting your videos, and replying. They are heart-felt, real, and you're doing your best to communicate. And I think that is awesome! You absolutely made my Saturday.
Hey i might not be able to relate especially to at my young age but i wish you well. We all ride the road of life and roads have bumps and potholes we just have drive on and reach the destination
Right sentiment, but the extent is more like what you wrote with the addition that they also had their car totaled at no fault of their own, now facing thousands of miles of walking some muddy road in a thunderstorm without supplies.
You are strong hell i go to school with the stress of exams, classmates and some time's friend groups bottling it up but I'm a student and your an adult but even then i imagine it's just as bed if not worse And you have all this over stuff to deal with to be frank i confused at the fact that you can spill out your guts to hundreds as hard as it is and I struggle to talk to friends on a heart to heart so that's a trait i admire
Thank you for your kind comments. I hope that someday you'll be able to tell your friends how you feel too. I rarely can without hurting them so this is my way of saying it without saying it directly to them.
I don't know why but this reply made me cry and don't even know why but thanks I feel a bit better
This has been my past 6 months with - frankly, the most wonderful partner I've ever had in over 30 years of relationships, most of which were very long-term.
She drew up boundaries, but I was the only one that followed them. When she would break them, there always was an excuse at the ready, and I forgave her. Heck, some of them didn't even matter to me; what upset me the more is that all of them were HER clear boundaries that we agreed upon. Nothing I had imposed on her.
However, after multiple breakups and make-ups from her side, I did eventually leave after I caught her cheating on me and realizing it wasn't the first time either. She was regularly trying to make me jealous while pointing out that she was just within the outlined boundaries, but acting jealous over me merely talking to a friend. The imbalance in this relationship was off the charts. She put a lot of effort into covering the cheating up not realizing that I had, only by chance, become witness to all of it.
I was always there for her, loved her no matter what, tried to anticipate her needs and stand at the ready, helped her make major sources of worry and pain in her life disappear - one minor thing she tanked me, a big one she didn't even bother to tell me it actually worked out - I don't understand how she could not have known that I was still there, being anxious for her about a problem that was long resolved. I still love her now even though she flat out told me "I lied to you and did all these things because I NEED you to hate me" in the very same breath she used to tell me how thankful she is for everything I've given her and that she could have never dreamed to ever receive a love like the one I showed her in a life like hers. She wanted to rid herself of me, so I wouldn't have to suffer. Even though I, out of my own free will, knowing everything we were facing, wanted to stay with her.
The one thing she asks of me, to tell her I hate her, I could never do, I love her so goddamn much, but throughout these months she reduced me to a pile of ash and I have no strength left in me. We have not a single step forward to show for on any front, only steps backwards in terms of how the relationship was going.
To some degree I have been walking on egg shells around her, but I've always been real to her, honest, told her things that might have been uncomfortable to hear, held things back in the emotional moments to bring them up later - and even then only after carefully considering how to phrase things. As best I could, anyway. And while my friends think of this as a form of censoring my thoughts, I don't think it is because everything I wanted to say, eventually got out.
I opened up to her in ways I never did with anyone else, just to show that I am an open book and that she can in fact trust me. That there is nothing to fear when it comes to me. But she weaponized that information in an effort to make me hate her, which was heartbreaking. She would only very rarely engage when I was telling her anything about myself. When I asked her about how she feels about some of the things I mentioned - things that clearly did require her feedback - she just responded with "I don't know what to say.". And these subjects would never get revisited. Oftentimes I felt like I'm talking/writing to a wall, wasn't even sure if she listened, read it :( But sometimes she would say something - a lot later that confirmed that she must have.
I have spent ungodly amounts of time trying to, first, figure out what it was she struggled with, then even more time on learning and figuring out how to help her address these problems. I hardly knew anything about BPD except having had an extremely brief, extremely negative experience with someone suffering from a whole lot of other co-morbid conditions,... followed by a good friend of mine that I spoke to about it at the time opening up that he is suffering from it too, but learned to manage it so well that nobody can tell anymore.
Throughout this relationship I often thought of him, just admiring what he managed to do.
I think through talking she did eventually realize where the issue stemmed from, but simultaneously insisted there was no hope and no helping her. While, from where I am sitting it all makes sense now, the path is so clear. Granted it's long, painful, arduous, but it's there. Yet I couldn't get her to take more than a few steps with me before she ran back.
We would talk about how we could address issues we were having, and every time we would make even a little progress I felt like the happiest person on earth, had all my hope renewed, only to find this progress vanish the very next day. It was so disheartening.
From what I can tell, she wanted to get better, she truly did, but even with someone by her side it was too hard. Maybe it was the very thing that made it harder.
It was a surreal experience, and I still love her so goddamn much, in some ways she's done more for me than any partner has in the past - but she broke me in other ways that I am still struggling to comprehend. I love her, but also hate what she's done to me, what she's taken from me, and also what she's robbed herself of.
If something that happened between us that commanded time to think about and process, even though clearly communicated usually was already grounds to set up the next break-up.
I can feel your struggle, and hers, and hearing how long the journey can be, how long yours has been so far - it kills me.
Knowing that she'd rather suffer on her own, keeping toxic friends around (because they don't care and ARE therefore more consistent) and pushing genuinely good ones away (because they care and do struggle with what is going on a whole lot more) - all because that's a state she's the most comfortable with.
I've heard therapists do struggle a great deal to treat clients with these problems, because it is such an uncertain, long, constant up-hill battle with a lot of set-backs. And I feel as a partner with deep emotional involvement, we are facing insurmountable odds. The freakiest part is knowing, that what we as partners are experiencing, must feel very similar to walking a mile in your shoes, only that you had to endure it for so much longer and suffered the consequences for it.
And now, after everything, I even struggle to just "be". Towards the end I started having panic attacks that I had to seek help for myself. The way I think has changed, the way I act has changed. The trust issues I had before entering the relationship pale in comparison to what I am dealing with now.
I cannot help but constantly wonder how much of what happened between us was even real, what of it she maybe did just to punish herself, or to hurt me. And I have no way of ever knowing because she wouldn't ever open up about it - I don't think she was even able to because I got the impression that a lot aren't conscious decisions - they just happen with the realization of what occurred lagging behind. Leaving no answer for a "why". And the more puzzle pieces now slowly reveal themselves in the aftermath, the more I uncover just how much she has been hiding from me, and for no good reason, mind you; making it so much worse.
Life can be so cruel. But I wish you all the best.
I don't think anyone who's cared for you and has actually been trying would ever judge you. I don't judge her for that matter. I am just... so... incredibly sad - and disillusioned with this and the world as a whole. The shame, guilt and self-hatred you might feel after an episode, that's just you being disappointed in yourself. I can assure you that any good partner would be very understanding, feel your pain, reassure you and continue to love you. Which in turn you wouldn't understand because it cannot be, making the cycle continue.
Why did I write this? Probably the same reason you posted your video.
I just wanted to share how the perspective of a partner can look like.
Talking about it helps. Now I feel a little better, at least for a short while.
When I was talking to friends during that time I often found myself wishing I could talk to my partner the same way. But communication proved to be the biggest hurdle.
@@vrhyrsh I’m so incredibly happy to have heard your story and perspective as a partner. When I’m in the middle of an episode it’s very easy to blind myself to what the people who love me are going through and instead put lies and false ideas in their mouth and just say “that’s how it really is.”
I’m glad I have a partner who cares about me so much despite my condition. And one who learns about me and has clear boundaries and stable behaviour. Sometimes we have our rocky emotional moments but we always talk honestly about it in time. My partner supports my efforts to change myself.
The reason I’ve been in therapy this long is because I know I need to get better and become a better person. You could say I have hope I can do it. I’ve met many people who have no hope in themselves and stay stuck in their pain and suffering for the rest of their life, unable to learn to grow and move forward. It’s sad to see. Even if I hate myself, hurt everyone and believe I can’t change, I still have to try for the sake of those who love me.
You sound like a great partner, you were there for the good and the bad. But your partner took advantage of you with the boundaries they set and violated. You were accepting of them and forgave them easily, while keeping an open dialogue to talk about uncomfortable things, but they didn’t listen. You did so much that would have made me cry. But even with me, there was a time with my past partners I got scared of being tied down, I got scared of not being able to express myself, I got scared of losing my freedom, I went out and cheated anyways. I was so afraid but at the same time afraid of losing the only stability I had. It wasn’t until much later of reflection that I realized what I did and who I had hurt. It’s the reason I’m so self reflective, careful of my emotions and working so hard to improve. I don’t want to be this person anymore:
Thank you again for sharing. I’m sorry your partner barely tried to improve. I hope you can find your peace with it someday and trust again.
@@JustusLynetta I like to think that she did try within her means. When we met she didn't seem aware of what made her life so incredibly miserable for her. She had a really rough childhood with a BPD parent and the other parent rarely around. By the time her grandmother stepped in to take her away from all of it, it was already too late. And to say life hadn't been kind to her since is an understatement.
I watched your "A Talk with the Past" series and the second part when you talked about the one that was different than all the others... I'd like to think that I might have been that one to her.
And the first part, "of course, we can never forget them [...] we will always carry them within our hearts, even if we've left theirs". I can promise you, at least some of them do still have you in their hearts, as I will always carry her- closer than anybody... As weird as that may sound after everything. Nothing that happens is ever truly forgotten. We might try to push aside the bad, sometimes even succeed for a while, but all memories inevitably come back. That's why the only way to truly overcome them is reprocess them from a different perspective (might even take 20 years like it did me).
But the good memories, we hold close and never let go of. And with all the ups, downs and intensity this type of relationship brings, I guarantee you there will be plenty of memories that will stay with them, vividly, forever.
I can still relive moments 6 months ago as if they'd be happening right now - memories I can actually feel - I never had anything like that. Most days I can barely remember what I was doing the day before.
Once you're doing better, be sure to reach out to your one if that's at all possible - to tell them about your journey. They'd love nothing more than to know you're doing better.
You might see yourself as the villain, but you aren't. We're all just the product of what this world made us. And we all have the potential to change as we see fit as long as the conditions are right.
Some things I've done for her, did make her cry... and you know, even when she had broken up with me before, she was always concerned about me, and my safety when I was in an unfamiliar environment. Who does that unless they truly love you? (And this is me, trying to convince myself that it was all real, and explain the negative away.)
Also shows that if you love, you love... and even if my previous partners managed to completely nullify my feelings for them, that's a process that took years.
Here's to a brighter future, for all of us.
And thanks for posting your videos, and replying. They are heart-felt, real, and you're doing your best to communicate. And I think that is awesome! You absolutely made my Saturday.
Good video. Thank you for posting the video on RUclips.
Thank you, I appreciate your kind comment
Hey i might not be able to relate especially to at my young age but i wish you well. We all ride the road of life and roads have bumps and potholes we just have drive on and reach the destination
Right sentiment, but the extent is more like what you wrote with the addition that they also had their car totaled at no fault of their own, now facing thousands of miles of walking some muddy road in a thunderstorm without supplies.