I hope you all enjoyed this one and let me know if you want to see more videos like this! This one was a real challenge for me but i think it turned out pretty well. Thanks for your support MuFKR!
There sure are advantages to being a pediatric surgeon, I never hear things as shocking as this. Truthfully, I would have walked away and let him die alone. Some ppl deserve to be punished for their actions. And any person who hurts a child like that man did deserves a jumpstart on his trip to hell. IMHO
I'm a retired RN and I can really relate. I had an elderly male patient who was divorced & had 4 adult daughters. He never had visitors and I often wondered why but never had time to completely read chart. Finally I had a chance when I was working one night to read chart with social service referral . I was shocked! Mr. S . was physically abusive to his wife & kids To top it all off he sexually molested his daughters for many many years. I finally understood why they didn't visit him. There is always a reason.
Mmm… not always. Sometimes there’s victim blaming- so you never know. On the other hand, i can’t imagine it ever really helps to bring people together in that sort of crisis. Sounds like that take time.
I'm going to become a CNA and i often think about this. my husband has also suffered abuse from his parents and i know he wouldn't visit them in a nursing home. as a nurse, how do you make yourself give good care after knowing how some people treated their families?
Not nearly as serious but since we're talking deathbed confessions: when my great grandfather was dying, he revealed that he had another sister. This was a complete secret, nobody in the family had ever known that she existed, she was never mentioned. Wasn't even listed in her parents obituaries. The family had completely disowned her when she was 19 for having an affair with her older sister's husband, causing a divorce (quite a scandal in a small town in the 1930s). My great grandpa hadn't seen or heard or even spoken about this sister for 60 years, but he gave us her name and asked us to track her down, apologize for him, and ask her to come to his funeral. She came.
@ChristBearerFlameHeartsoooo, you expect an abused child to retraumatise themselfs for the Sake of their abuser?! Having someone listen and burden themselfs with that knowlage IS all you can expect at that Point. The abuser dying does Not gove them a right to Hurt their victims yet again!!! Retraumatising someone does nothing to Help someone won their mistaken, IT only serves them for a very short time while they already stole so much time from their victim
@@SpidermanFan92I just kind of wish he said something to get Rich to stop calling the children and pressuring them to come. Even if he didn't tell him the whole story.
Yes, and a big difference between being kind and being "nice" is honesty. I really like that he's not saying it in a way to make to make the patient feel bad, but he's not trying to lie to make him feel better either. Austin just remains compassionate and authentic because that's who he is.
I'm the kids in this situation. My mother, or more accurately, the thing that birthed me, is a horrible person. She abused my sister and I in every way she could think of, came REAL close to killing us too. When we finally got away from her, after years of nonstop abuse, we cut off all contact with her. But everyone else in my family just forgave her, just acted like nothing happened. A couple years ago, our mother got really sick due to her drug use and it looked like she might die. That whole side of the family came after my sister and I, furious that we wouldn't talk to her and go see her. Telling us that we needed to get over what happened and forgive her. We declined. Some people don't deserve forgiveness.
I’m so sorry you both went through such horrors. It’s completely unforgivable. I really hope you’re both enjoying life to the full and have people around you who bring you joy, security, peace and love. Your egg donor and family are so wrong. Lots of love from this stranger to you both x
I've heard "forgiveness isn't for the forgiven." If it is better for you to forgive, then forgive. If not, nope! My sister from another mister spent a long time after her egg donor died humming "ding ding the witch is dead" at odd moments, though her sperm donor is still around. I think I'll throw her a party when she's technically an orphan!
@@christinelloyd667 That "forgiveness isn't for the forgiven" pisses me off. It absolutely IS for them. If they don't deserve it they shouldn't get it.
@@mischarowe As in, "it's for the forgiver," which I take to mean that the only person whose opinion matters (and whose well-being matters) is the forgiver. Nobody else can demand it. Nobody else can say how it will affect the forgiver. It may also affect the forgiven person if they are forgiven, but that's a side effect. It is not and should not be the point, no matter what outside parties may try to claim. It's a lot like "pull yourself up by your bootstraps," a phrase that in the literal sense means one thing (a sarcastic phrase implying of course you can't pull yourself up by your bootstraps because physics so we have to help each other out) and was perverted to mean the exact opposite. I'll try to remember to be more explicit in the future.
As someone who struggles with CPTSD because of this kind of abuse and stayed away during a parental death, I deeply appreciate how this was done. I've had decades of people telling me to forgive for the sake of family peace, but no one seems to care about the severe trauma I'm still trying to recover from over 30 years after escaping it.
RIGHT I understand this. My grandmother has tried to force family peace because my mother still my mother. Dismissing everything that she's ever done and never believing my side of the story. Even though there was not only my side but my dad's if we had the same stories of abuse done to us by my mother. Now I'm just considering whether or not going no contact. I've made my amends. I know I'm good with God. I attempted to fix the relationship but It just doesn't feel right.
@@scoobydoo_forever You never need to do anything like this unless you completely choose for yourself. If it's not right, do not do it. All my sympathies.
We found out my monster that raped and impregnated my sister died a few years back. We only knew because my nephew started getting social security payments. We celebrated that night, and ran into someone she knew that happened to work hospice from their hometown. Turns out he died alone and miserable, begging his aide (who was friends with hometown aide) to just sit with him because he was scared. I'm happy he got a small peice of the feelings he gave to her. Bastard.
I had a man once admit WWII war crimes on his deathbed. He was German, no family left. I am Jewish, my name is Hebrew. Maybe he thought confession to one of us would prevent eternal damnation? I worked in palliative care for a time, so I’ve heard many things. But THAT was the one I remember.
That would’ve been very difficult to respond to. I had one who said (after I complimented his wife’s devotion after she had left the room) that he was so lucky she stayed with him after he had beaten her for years. He had tears in his eyes as he said it and I was floored. I agreed that he was lucky and continued like nothing, but inside I was seething and wished she would just walk away from him. Some people are just pos and no last minute regret changes that.
Thank you. You did an excellent job of portraying both of them. It is an awful thing but you didn't make light of it. Poor Austin, he'll have nightmares about this but he was truthful about not forgiving.
To any victims reading this, you DO NOT owe your abuser(s) the gift of forgiveness and peace on their deathbed. It won’t make you a bad person to completely close that door on them. It will be liberating, it’ll lift up your spirit and you will receive peace. @Steveioe this video needs a warning at the beginning!! It made me feel sick to my stomach to think of all the victims that are watching this and it made me think of all the children currently suffering this abuse.💔
@@nataliekubus1041 I will never forgive my abuser. To me, forgiveness means I accept your apology. There's no way I can forgive someone who doesn't even understand the pain they've caused. Someone who has absolutely no feelings of remorse. Forgiving someone like this doesn't make me feel good. It isn't closure. Her casket being closed will be my closure.
@@user-wk5tx2xd1g Same. My foster mother s3xually abus3d me. If I forgave anything or even apologized myself she saw it as "I did nothing wrong. I'm all great." She is a malignant sadistic narcissist, who hopefully dies soon. When my foster parents are dead, I will finally feel free.
People also tend to misunderstand that forgiveness means the relationship is automatically patched and renewed when it is not. Forgiveness only means they won't wish harm on you for the past actions anymore, it does not mean any love or kindness or trust will be given. Those need to be earned back.
Thanks for this video. My dad molested my half sister when she was 9, then isolated me so I never got to see my birth mom after age 3, I only recently found my moms family through DNA tests but she’d died by then. He physically abused me for many years, until I was big enough to fight him. He emotionally abused and neglected me and I was sad throughout my childhood. No one seemed to care, even when I went to school with bruises on my face. Then when I left home at 16 and got into college, he and my step mom were on crack for years and almost died. It was all I could do to get them to fill out my FAFSA forms so I could get financial aid (obviously my dad wasn’t helping me pay for anything). He also told my childhood best friend that I liked to lie and not to believe the stories about him beating me. No one I ever told about the abuse ever believed me. He went super religious to atone for his sins, but when he gets drunk he talks about how much he wants to have sex with young girls. When I was 15 he bought some rope and wrapped it around my wrists and asked if I thought it was nice and soft and felt good around my wrist. He was always friends with other child molesting men and i had to watch out for them too. I haven’t spoken to him in 5 years and haven’t seen him for 10. Definitely not going to be there when he dies. He was the only family I had, and I couldn’t trust him. I don’t believe in hell, but for him I hope it’s real
Well it doesn't work like that Hell is REAL even if you pretend to not believe in it and it sounds like your father has a one way ticket. The Bible is very clear about not messing with kids. And if he's still covering his sins and not doing anything to make anything right with you or kids in general then he's going. God will not be mocked. But I am sorry for what happened to you and hope you have your own loving family one day.
I can't even express how sad and outraged your experience made me feel. When I hear something like this, I feel our society is more screwed up than I think it is (and I think it's pretty screwed up). How could it be that NO ONE noticed what was going on and didn't do a d*** thing to help you? You were betrayed by your father, your family, teachers, neighbors, extended family, law enforcement, social workers, the justice system, the entire kitchen sink. It shouldn't have been this way, not in an ideal world, but this is obviously not an ideal world. I just hope you've been able to meet some decent people who love you: people who would never for one nanosecond allow you to be treated like this ever.
@@melissastewart9842 Yes, it's always the indifference/more abuse from the rest of the world that makes me angriest. You really put the right words for the "it's more fucked than I think, and I already think it's fucked"
I don’t know how I’m going to feel when my dad dies. Been no contact for years, and it feels weird to shop up to the funeral of a man I have nothing good to say about
I wasn’t there when my mother died, and I only went to her funeral to make sure she was really dead. She was a manipulative narcissistic pill head. She did things to me I’ll never speak of. Growing up in that household was a nightmare. I completely understand why some people don’t show up. You don’t owe them anything and sure don’t owe them forgiveness. People that pressure you to forgive don’t realize that THAT is also abuse. Don’t let anger eat you up, but realize that you don’t HAVE to forgive. Some things are just unforgivable.
My mom had 2 sisters, and one was married to a pedo, but that was a deep, dark secret that no one ever spoke about. I remember as a child going to stay with them during the summers. I remember him walking around the house naked, I remember her stabbing me with sewing needles. I also have blank spots in my memories about some of the time I spent there. I also remember one summer there was another kid my age at the apartment complex my aunt lived in, and he and I would get together every day, and spend almost all day playing and swimming in the complex's pool. That summer, I remember pretty much all of. Jump to 15 odd years later. He had died, and it had come out that he had felt up my niece, but all I had was those blank spots and uncharacteristic rage whenever he'd come around, so I didn't go to his funeral. A year or two later, his wife (aunt 1, with the needles) died, and my mom asked me to come to the funeral. Her other sister was very sad, and after the funeral I said, "Good riddance." My mom looked shocked even though she knew about the needles (at least that much), but my other aunt slapped me. I just looked at her for a minute, turned and walked out to my motorcycle, and as I was putting my helmet on aunt came out to apologize but I just left as I didn't trust myself to keep all the repressed hate in. I'm guessing mom told her about some stuff, maybe. I didn't blame aunt 2 for anything, but it was another 20 years or so before I spoke to her. By the time she passed, a few years after my mom went, we were on decent terms, and I'm glad of that. Deep, dark unspoken family secrets. I honestly don't consciencely remember him doing anything to me, but as I grew into adulthood that rage against him grew and grew. Even now, in my 60's I wonder what is in those blank spots. I'm not sure I want to know though.
Wow, both of your perspectives are heartrending. I have my own “history”, but I’m doing OK now. My wish for both of you is that, if you choose healing, you find a wonderful therapist. And if you’re doing OK now, I wish you freedom from the past, wholeness and all the joy that is your birthright. All love and support to you ❤
I’m 53 and have only filled in some blank spots in the last three years or so. It didn’t help my rage any. I’m still working on it, but I will be triggered by something and be enraged all over again. Truly letting something go, forgiving, is a process. It isn’t a one time action. You do it for yourself, because learning to let go of my wrath drops my stress and increases my peace. I swapped around pronouns there, but you get the point. Your brain is protecting you by blocking the memories- let it. When the anger or memories of that jerk surface, deliberately say to yourself, “I refuse to let you hurt me anymore. I won. You’re dead.” Then turn your mind and heart to things and people that make you happy.
Do yourself a favor: Don't go poking around in those blank spots. Take it from someone who did exactly that. It doesn't end well. I genuinely hope for a peaceful life for you and that you never have to relive whatever is hidden there. Stay safe, friend. Wherever you are.
Was a CNA for a long time. Lots of crazy confessions at the end. I've had a couple old ladies say they killed their husband for being abusive. I usually congratulated them and changed the subject so I could finish doing cares. Neither of them showed remorse, they weren't asking forgiveness 😆 One asked if she thought she was going to hell for not feeling bad, and I told her that I wasn't clergy, but I knew her husband was in hell. She laughed so hard. Woman was almost a century old, I wasn't going to try to condone nor condemn, and I'm an atheist to boot.
@@FruitnotAnut2011 Look up how many women are sitting in prison right now for killing their abusers, then come back and we can have a better discussion.... Edit: Don't get me wrong, I agree with you. But it's much more complicated than that.
@@muchtested Very possible. But also, for a long time in our world's history, many poisons were easy to find and impossible to prove or detect. And then you had men who beat their wives, the very wives who fed them everyday, and also had easy access to undetectable poisons. I'm just saying, I wouldn't be surprised if they made it up, but I also wouldn't be surprised if it happened.
Difficult topic. I had something similar happen once and had to pull on all my training not to show shock or judgement. My client survived, we talked, at her insistence, police called and she reported herself. Don't know what happened after. Hope the kids had some type of healing from her confessions. I had to do a lot of debriefing afterwards. It was 15 years ago. You carry these events within you forever.
I work in a hospital, and I used to work in a nursing home. I always granted the families who never came grace, for this reason. When people would talk badly about them, I always pointed out that we didn't know what kind of parents they were when they were strong and powerful. So they are nice when they are weak and helpless and depending on us? Big deal. I won't be there when my parents die. And I'm not ashamed of it.
Did not expect this, one of my worst fears is having to see my parents (particularly father) again after what they have done to me . I'm so relieved that there are some nurses that understand we were once helpless children at the hands of these predators that failed us not negligent ungrateful monsters. Always so much respect for everything you do and deal with.
I imagine being that nurse and hearing that without screaming or leaving was one of the hardest things they did. But I'm glad he was honest with the guy
Hello from picu, Dying kids r worse... innocent humans that did nothing... it is the worst feeling... But i dont miss adults... annoying and disgusting...
I remember a patient years ago who had back surgery. She was your typical white trash from east Arkansas. 50 but looked 65, drug addled, no teeth etc. She was so sweet and uneducated but seemed so sad. One time i was taking her to the bathroom and she started talking about her life as a kid. I asked questions and we went back and forth like this. Then she said, "momma never did like us kids". It broke my heart.
Poor Austin for being in such a dark situation but appreciate the real content of what nurses go through that I would have never imagined. Shows you can never judge a situation without knowing the full story. Awesome quality as always💜
Seriously dude you need to start auditioning for acting gigs. You were so spot on with the portrayal of “Mr Smith” and Austin’s soft no when he gave it thought and realised the moment he and the patient were in. Just got me in the feels. I was a hospital pharmacist for years so I’ve been there. 😢Helping with compressions when nursing was short in the ER running to mix TPA, back to get histories. You are awesome 👏.
Thank you for this. 12 years as a Hospice nurse have taught me that situations are often not what they seem to be at first glance. Many dying patients want to talk...about their life, their regrets, and dying. It's an uncomfortable topic for many families, especially with complicated relationships. I have learned so much from caring for Hospice patients and their families. It's a calling, sometimes, it's hard, but always, it's fulfilling! ❤
When I worked the hospice, I heard more than a few. 14 years later, had to get out of it. Takes its toll. I was offered hospice work much later in life. It's a lifelong burnout. I'm so sorry you guys have to hear that stuff, too.
I'm in tears. As a person who was abused as a child, he got what I hope the person who did it to me and to every other child had coming to him. He is the only person I can not forgive. Thank you for doing this.
As a psychiatric hospice nurse I understand why families cut all contact with a person. Many times the client had damaged this family so badly they cut all contact. To attend to these clients compassionately I focused on the client's here and now, not the past. It was not easy, but I will know that individual died with a caring person at their side.
Been there. Must be terrifying to be dying when you know you’ve done horrible things. People who abuse other’s are usually the product of being abused themselves and it just keeps getting passed down through generations over and over again until someone stops the cycle. No matter what our issues are, we have got to find the strength & courage to work ourselves so we don’t damage others. Too many people just cop out saying “this is just how I am, I can’t help it”. I know it seems that way but actually there are many ways to change & improve ourselves. No excuses. The alternative is dying alone, terrified of the consequences. Food for thought. This is a really good video. Thanks Austin.
This is one of the hardest moments as a nurse. You have to pretend that vile, horrific things don't bother you and you have to be kind no matter who you're caring for.
i have more than one beloved who is a nurse and they've described the shock and horror of similar situations. having all the information is extraordinarily important, but not always possible. so it feels like best practices to assume that no one is just an asshole for not coming to see a dying family member, that the sweet older person in your bed has had an entire life where they may have done some pretty abhorrent things, and giving the option of seeing a family member as they're dying is (or should be) very different from trying to force a reconciliation. give the family the option but never pressure them in any direction. great video, this feels like it will reach more folks than a video essay would and this is something that many will have to deal with in their lives, no matter which side of it they're on.
Interestingly I have spent most of the day today reading about childhood emotional (and other) abuse, and I was fully expecting it to be the parent's fault. Did not expect that though. Some families huh, it's awful.
Steveioe's acting here is actually shockingly good. He always pops up on my feed as "Oh, that guy, the snarky nurse / content creator" (who is sometimes a little too snarky for my taste). But, damn, the micro-expressions "Austin" exhibits? The painful but so, so, so understated look of disbelief/ disgust/ emotional conflict? God damn, that's some grade-A acting.
Wow, big departure from your usual content, but you handled it really well! Folks who come from healthy families (or even just unhealthy families that they've been taught to normalize) don't often think about the potential reasons people have for cutting communication with family members. I see the same thing in my school: teachers that can't imagine how bad things can be at home for kids, or even parents. They're not bad teachers, they just don't have the perspective. Thanks for offering folks that perspective. It really matters 👏👍❤
I was in the vocational counseling, it took me a while to get used to to the things people would tell me while in counseling sessions. There a lot of wounded individuals living among us all, both victims and perpetrators.
We’ve come so far in the world, and yet, there is nothing we can do, to prevent this kinda thing to happen. The fact that he knew what he did was wrong, is something, but it will NEVER fix it. If you throw a plate on the floor, it breaks, and if you say sorry, it’s not gonna put itself together. People like this need to be punished for their actions. Punished so harsly that the thought of doing it again, will make them sick to their stomach. I too am a victim of SA, and the bad guy is my cousin. I’ve learned to live with what happened, and am able to have a normal conversation. I will never forget. It’s not embarassing for me, but it sure as heck is for him. He’s the one that did it after all.
Wow this one was really powerful! There are people in my family that i cut out of my life for those kind of reasons. Other relatives have no idea and sometimes send messages because they think i was being mean and ungrateful. Grateful I never got calls from the hospital when one of them passed.
I'm so glad that this topic is getting out. There are parents that were downright nasty & abusive. We may not know the specifics of their relationship, but we need to respect it. My brother was working in a hospital & there was a woman that died. She never had visitors in her last days or hours. A daughter finally came in to sign off on the body. The staff was wondering where to send the body. The daughter told the staff to just give the body to science, throw away personal possessions & she walked away. She had no interest in dealing with her. The hospital staff was in shock. My brother rarely gets ruffled, but even he realized there was something there that ran deep and painful.
Yeah, as someone who went to the ward with lots of cirrotic pacients who had, to say the least, very complicated lifes and hurted a lot of people, they usually are the kind to die alone calling for those same people to come one last time. Really hard situation to be in.
Can we just appreciate the level of acting here? Had to remember that it was steve playing 3 characters not 3 different people. Very well done. More please!
I just realized something else. Austin is so pure hearted that he chooses to protect Rich from having to carry the burden of what kind of monster this man is.
I agree. Also, managing intense feelings can hinder adequate care to all patients, much less the pt who did heinous things. Might as well keep it to oneself until pt dies.
Well yeah, but if Austin doesn’t say something to Rich, it might mean Rich continuing to pressure the man’s other victims and coming off kinda judgy on the phone. I guess Austin could find some way of saying to Rich, “He knows they have reasons. Just notify them and leave it at that.”
It’s also not Rich’s business to know that the man’s children were molested by their father. Rich has spoken to the adult children on the phone several times already and they chose not to say anything about it to him. It’s up to them if they want anyone to know.
I hope Austin can tell somebody about it. That’s a heavy burden to carry alone. And then to bag up their shit after they die and have that weighing on you… ugh
My mother is currently in a nursing home, and she is only 69. I have explained to the nurses and staff hundreds of times that I want no contact. I get calls AT LEAST once a week from someone who "forgot."
@@JAB1979 that sounds hard. It's none of their business why you want no contact but when they keep calling it's hard not to say "This, this is why..." and hope that will stop the calls.
Even though my parents abused me in different ways, the SA came from my older brother… nobody did anything about it (as if it just never happened) so I’m made out to be the one who looks like the bad guy avoiding family. They’ve depended on me so much as a child but now I’m just done with the burden and guilt I felt having to take care of my two younger siblings. This is an old video so this will be lost in the comments but thanks for reading my story if you are ❤
I'm glad you're safe now! Anyone who thinks you're the bad guy for setting boundaries and protecting yourself from abusers are not worth listening to. Protect yourself so that you can share your love and your light with people who deserve it: the people (and pets!) you choose to bring into your life.
You've probably forgotten about this comment. But I wanted to tell you that you deserve happiness and love and you don't need to get it from family if it's conditional. I hope you already know this, but sometimes it's good to be reminded that this fact doesn't make you a bad person. I hope you're well and I don't know you, but I'm sending you love. (don't really know why I felt the need to write this)
I am a sex abused survivor. My brother mulisted me me starting at the age of 2. He tried to rape me when I was 16. NO!!!! Do not feel guilty for any reason. Life is to short. You are not alone. Take care of you. ❤ 🤗 peace
I''m sorry that happened to you, and kept happening. You are an amazing, strong and empathetic person. Keep healing and wrap yourself with love and positivity - you deserve it. 💌❤
When the nurse caring for my biological grandfather got ahold of my mom to tell her he was dying and berated her for not coming to be with her dying father, she replied with a cool "I haven't seen that man since he abandoned me and my mother when I was eight years old. Tell him I'm going to get milk." And hung up.
As a victim thats been pressured for decades to "make amends" with my abuser by unwittingly well intended relatives; I thank you for making this video.
Well you don’t have to talk to anyone. But you should forgive in your heart at least. We are all human we are all sinners…. No sin is greater in the eyes of god. We are all equally disgusting in the eyes of god when it comes to sin
@@chilogutierrez8760Nope, nope, nope. Judge not lest ye be judged and get out of here with that BS. I'll agree with you that God can judge us however he pleases, but in my pitiful human eyes, people who sexually abuse children will always and forever be more disgusting than their innocent victims. I can't believe you have the nerve to talk to a stranger like you have here unless you truly just haven't taken the time to think through how your comment comes across. I hope for your own sake that you had a lapse in judgement when you made your comment, but if not and you really thought it through, it's OK because you're only as disgusting as a pedophile in God's eyes since you're a fellow sinner, too, right? Lord forgive me for judging you and your uncompassionate heart as much as he forgives you for judging a victim of childhood sexual abuse. To the OP: I don't know you or your heart. It's none of mine or anyone else's business whether you've forgiven your POS abuser. Some people find peace in forgiving their abusers -- I don't want my comment to imply that I think that's necessarily wrong. Whatever and however healing and peace looks like for you, I hope you've found it or are finding it. Best wishes from an internet stranger.
@@chilogutierrez8760 Ultimately, it's between God and man. We can't quite say if someone should should forgive. We know they need to. But we should avoid making it sound easy
As a survivor of parental abuse (luckily not of the sexual variety), I felt this one in my soul and I can't express enough how validating and comforting it was to hear Austin say "no" to the old man. People don't realize that most adult children don't cut off their parents out of laziness or ingratitude, for many of us it's a matter of self-preservation. There's already so much pressure on us to reconnect with our parents and forgive them, especially if they're older or their health is declining, but doing so would take a huge toll on our own mental and physical health. Not to mention that many of us have already experienced so much gaslighting, guilttripping and blameshifting that a reconciliation would further invalidate our pain and trauma.
Exactly! The attachment children feel towards their parents is biologically hardwired, BUT… that means it takes A LOT of fear and pain to override those instincts and replace that love with hate or indifference.
I knew there had to be some sort of abuse or neglect when the guy said the kids dropped him in a nursing home and never came to visit. That doesn't come out of nowhere.
@@maryannlockwood7806 yeah, I totally understand. What angers me the most is the last two years of Mother's life was the best I've had with her. And she too, like that old guy had NO ONE come visit or call her. She had moderate dementia when she passed and that person was a doll and so genuine. I'm trying not to let that make me feel guilty of how I felt, but I absolutely enjoyed the two years. Those two years made up for the 45 evil years prior. Even her spirit being is incredible. She got me away from a covid situationship and I believe she guided me to a possible electrical fire. But all in all, because of her person, no one was there for her including my sister who had her only grandchild. 🤭 But as a payback, I buried her next to her mom. She always said she didn't want to be buried there. We live in MI, her home is DC. So, yeah, she's in DC with her mother. They had a beautiful relationship so I'm sure she's fine.
This is one reason it's important to try and be understanding when people are estranged from family members. It's our natural inclination to remain connected to our families so for most people there is a reason why they would choose to detach. It's not always just some ungrateful spoiled child/grandchild issue.
@@tmf1586i cant stand my mother because shes disabled but milked the fuck out of it while spending her days on facebook pretending to be mother of the year. Best part is that when her new boyfriend came she went from barely able to walk and living on the couch to attempting to be an actual mom that cooked meals and cleaned the house and went out on dates with him. I still wonder who the fuck that woman is and wanted her to replace my bitchy always screaming mother.
I was a social worker and we had a dying male hospice pt who kept feeling pulled toward flames in the corner of the room(that no one else saw). He was terrified. His adult, downs syndrome daughter admitted to us that "Daddy used to do terrible" things to her, similar to this. None of us grieved his death.
Thank you for doing this. This is the part people often forget. Just because there is an old feeble person dying doesn’t mean that they were good. Evil gets old too.
I heard a few old crazy stories of death bed confessions of people admitting what they'd done in WW2. Can't imagine taking care of some old man and then having him admit he was a card carrying nazi or that he got his Jewish neighbors deported
For anyone that relates to this video and needs to hear it: You are *never* obligated to forgive someone that has harmed you, and don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise.
Yup, you can heal and move on just fine without actually forgiving. Healing is internal and about the things you feel and what you have power over. Forgiveness is external because it’s about the other person. In practice, things can get really muddled too, so when someone tells you to forgive another person so you’ll feel better, it’s really not that simple. It’s not fair to reduce it to that. I understand why this one person in my life did the things they did, and I appreciate the work they’ve done to become a better person. We’ve fixed our relationship and are happy, but I don’t think I’ll ever forgive them because I can’t condone what they did. I can’t say, “oh, it’s ok”, because it literally wasn’t ok. But I appreciate the hell out of them for becoming a better person and tell them so often. It’s complicated. But I’m in a good place, and that’s what matters.
The goal of healing should be to one day forgive. Forgiving isn't letting them off the hook. Forgiveness is taking ourselves off, that way those things never hurt us again. Unforgiveness keeps us a prisoner to the pain. We don't have to hang out with these people. That's not what forgiveness is. We release their power over us when we forgive. I was raised by a Covert Narcissistic "mother"; abandoned by my "dad", who started a new family; sexually abused by relatives; physically/mentally abused by my first covenant husband; raised in an EXTREMELY DYSFUNCTIONAL HOUSEHOLD. I am now homeless/living in a minivan/sleeping at a gas station every night. It is ok to feel angry, hurt, sad/depressed, etc...BUT IT IS NOT OK TO HATE. HATE IS THE SAME AS MURDER in the eyes of the CREATOR. I don't HATE anyone. I could not control what happened to me as a child. But I can control who I surround myself with now. I am trying to FORGIVE. THAT IS THE GOAL/LEADS TO RECOVERY.
I was sexually abused and yes we do need to work toward forgiveness.. it’s not the same as forgetting and by forgiving we are stepping aside and letting God be the judge and jury.. it’s a freeing Feeling to forgive.. unforgiveness keeps us in bondage..
@@thehomelesshebrews Using the word "forgiveness" is part of the issue, a lot of people define forgiveness as having an aspect of graciousness or acceptance. No one should have to accept, or give grace to someone that hurt them. Healing self blame and victim culpability mindset is the only option for some people/situations and being told to "forgive" their abuser can actually resurface very serious traumas. Even when we have the best of intentions. Just something to keep in mind. ❤
My friend's relatives are creeps and he has not seen any of them in 15 years. 5 years ago his grandmother sent him a letter saying she was offended and the only excuse he had was if he was physically harmed. Gulp!
An old friend went through something like that with her father. She went to see him when she got the call from the nurses but refused to go into the room until he had actually gone. She said one of the nurses asked her why and she told them "I just needed to make sure the old bastard is dead. After all he did to us. I had to see his body." Everyone deals with life in their own way...
I have a relative who died not too long ago, I used to live with them. I do forgive them, but I don’t really feel any attachment to the loss. But because everyone is so heartbroken about it, I choose not to say anything for their own right. I make up stuff so I won’t hurt them, and I am starting to wonder if I am a good person cuz I don’t feel anything about it. I dunno dude...
I went to visit my abusive father on his deathbed, hoping for closure. I hadn't seen him for 19 years at at that point. But all he did was blame my mum for his own actions. I should never have gone. He'd put me down as next of kin. After I saw him, I explained to the wonderful nurses the truth about the past, and they removed me as next of kin. Otherwise I would have been liable for funeral arrangements and costs etc. This was in 2001. I'm grateful for the nurses for doing that. They were great.
I, too, went to see my birth father the week before he died. I hadn’t seen him for 30 years. I didn’t do it for him. I did it for me. He didn’t deserve to spend any time with me. However, I needed that closure and time to show me what I already knew, but still needed to see in person. It was the hardest, yet, most cathartic thing I had ever done. I went back a week later for the funeral, just to make sure he was really dead. I can’t tell you the relief I had when I knew he was no longer a threat.
If you hadn't gone you may have spent years wondering if you'd robbed yourself of closure after it was too late. I'm sorry that happened, but at least you don't have to wonder if you could have found closure.
Thank you all for your kind comments. I am so sorry you've had to go through what your parents have put you through. Please never forget that you are all amazing. Sending you all lots of love. Xxx
I never felt so relieved than when Austin said “No” like that. I have struggled with my religious mother and sister about forgiving a family member for the same thing, which I refuse to do. I feel like I have been seen and accepted now, so thank you from my whole heart.
I have many people to forgive as well and it’s hard. I honestly don’t want to but God doesn’t forgive us of our sins if we don’t truly forgive others. I really don’t think it’s fair to put that on us humans but it’s something I’m trying to work through,I’ve spent almost it not all of my life in hell I’m not going to let these people be the reason I end up in the real one.
@@momentsformoms9467 Jesus said that before he made the ultimate sacrifice for our sins. So remember, it's different now. He paid the price and we are free. Also, he said that even God doesn't forgive unless the person #1. asks for forgiveness and #2. repents: is truly sorry and **doesn't do it again!** If someone is truly repentent and changes their ways, I can forgive, at least after some years have gone by. If not, then I'm not going to worry about it. I've known people to forgive before the other person has repented, and they suffered for it and in my brother's case, his wife and daughter suffered for it.
@@momentsformoms9467I mean, if you’re truly repentant about something and ask God for forgiveness, he will forgive you. All He says is to not be a hypocrite, to turn to him and be more like him. Now, does he want us to forgive? Yes. Is it hard sometimes? Yes. But also, when you say it’s unfair to ask that of us who are humans, truthfully speaking, we don’t deserve Gods grace but he’s still willing to forgive us. But forgiveness is also good. It’s a way to heal. And I’m of the opinion, just because you’ve forgiven a person, doesn’t mean you have to interact with that person.
@@rosarodriguezarguijo93 Thank you for your last line. Forgiveness does not mean trust or the relationship can be restored. Forgiveness is for the sake of the forgiver to let the forgiver move on and refuse to let the past make the future worse and strive to make it much better than it would be without forgiving. I also want to add, when I forgive someone, it isn't for my sake. If my morals were up to me and I was acting in selfishness, I would have killed the persons in my life that this old man represents long before he got to his death bed. I forgive because Jesus commands it and I trust Him and His judgment.
I have a friend who works in a hospital. I used to work as a trauma therapist. When a person is not even willing to see their dying parent or sibling, there is probably a reason for it. I, myself, will not be seeing my mother when the time comes. I hope that people out there realize that they do not owe their abusers anything despite being blood related. It doesn’t matter how others will judge.
I disagree that they usually have a good reason. Gen Z is full of ungrateful kids who refuse to talk to their parents over the dumbest reasons. I think it’s best not to assume either way if they have a good reason or not.
From the absolute, bottom of my heart ~ Thank you, for saying that ~ Nobody seen my mother before her time...she was found dead in her home ~ She was a Very, Very cruel peron...I really do not know how any of us kid's survived her 😔 When I was informed of her death...........I was Horrifically Relieved.
My sister worked in a nursing home for over 15 years and the deathbed confessions she has heard were crazy. Mostly people confessing to having lied in their youth and got someone jailed/lynched/murdered. Some actually confessed to murder themselves and/or rape. A surprising number of women who claimed to have killed their husbands/first husbands. She finally transitioned to the admin side of things because she couldn't take it anymore.
@@mellie4174 I assure you; it's not those dying patients who are "out of touch with reality". Maybe go volunteer at a hospice and get a dose of it; you could use it!
God damn. My granny confessed, on her dead-bed, that my dad wasn't the son of her husband my "grandpa", but rather the son of my grandpa's brother. She'd had a fling with him while my grandpa was away in the Navy. Damn, I thought that was heavy. But murders and getting people lynched!? And of course, stuff like in the video. Holy shit. O_O;
I worked in a nursing home where we had a delightful man, "Joe". He had 3 daughters who never visited or came for meetings about his care. After about 6 months we finally got one daughter on a conference call. She said he had physically, emotionally, and s3xually abused her and her sisters all their lives. If he needed anything, call her, leave a message, and the money would be sent. Otherwise, she didn't want to be contacted. There was a long silence in the room after the call ended. None of us ever told the rest of the staff, but we never forgot it. I now use this as a teaching experience when my staff talk about how terrible it is that some people don't have visitors. I also have so much respect for that woman to care for her parent when he was such a rotten human.
I remember when I never got to meet my grandfather on my dad's side. When I finally turned 22,my dad pulled me outside to smoke a cigarette. He said,"You want to know why you never got to meet my dad? Why he was in prison? Because he sexually assaulted your aunts when they were younger. When they called me to tell me he died I was at work. I told them good." I was in shock and a lost for words. My dad was protecting me from this man that was my grandfather. I always wondered why I never met him till I was old enough to understand. He never forgave him but the ones my grandfather did. They forgave him and still saw him.
Good on your dad for protecting you! It's one thing as an adult to make the conscious choice to see him, your aunt's probably did it for their own benefit (to feel like the bigger person, not have to carry the hatred, different people cope differently) but putting a child in harms way where a predator has easy access is awful. I'm glad that your father protected you. He's a great father for keeping you away from him and making sure you didn't suffer the same fate. Probably helped him heal that while he wasn't able to protect his sister's being only a child himself, he was able to keep you safe.
That sounds like on my mom's side, whenever I went to my grandma's house my parents were always next to me, and then I met her real dad twice, when I was 12 years old. Who did the same thing as her step-dad.
@@JAB1979 she didn't assume anything about you. She doesn't even know who you are. Considering you're speaking about a mother you won't see, the story had nothing to do with you. Yet somehow you made it about you and chastised her for giving examples of why someone might still be around their abuser. Wtf
This is how it’s going to be for me and my donor, as well. If I ever have children, my ex stepdad will be their grandpa. Pretty much for the same reason, but it wasn’t to me.
It happened to me with a horrible, evil relative. I’m sorry that you went through that abuse, and that your family wasn’t supportive. I believe you completely, and I support you. Stay safe and I hope that your life is good going forward.
This is why you never judge people who don't visit family. This happens a LOT more than people would like to believe. I've even had a couple of patients tell me some atrocious things they've done.
Austin was there and fought for the children on their father's death bed. The fact he said he would not forgive him was a kind gesture for the children.
@Forthakine I think that It’s good thing that he’s being torn apart by the guilt, because it shows that he still has some humanity left, it shows that he’s not completely evil and that he recognizes and understands exactly why he’s in the position he is now, and he doesn’t even blame the kids for not showing up, because he knows that he doesn’t deserve forgiveness.
@Forthakine there's a big difference between things like forgetting a crime, pardoning a perp, forgiving them, accepting an apology and acknowledging their remorse and suffering. As much as we'd often like to think otherwise, humans can kinda keep order, but can't actually deliver karma or real justice, so don't feel obligated to want to.
I had a daughter come to me once in tears because she and her husband were in disagreement about whether her sick, elderly mother should come live with them. He said no. She said yes. I asked why he said no and she confided that her mother was abusive to her and she was afraid her mother would turn her household upside down. She just felt obligated. I told her what I told similar adult kids. I think you can be responsible by making sure your parent is where they can get the care that they need, but that doesn’t mean that you must put yourself in a position to be abused again. I just watched as all of the guilt and tension left her face and body. It gave her the power to make the right decisions that her mom never did.
@@MeepMeep88Nah, he's just glad his wife came around to his way of thinking. Sometimes we're too close to a situation and it's easiest for a third party to remind us of things like, "You don't have to set yourself on fire to keep your mama warm, especially when you can outsource her heating to professionals who won't get burned."
I’m a csa survivor and I’m really glad this didn’t portray the dying man as the victim. What’s a moment of pleasure for them is a lifetime of pain for us survivors.
@GypsyLil I'm trying to gage what decade people responding concerning this had these issues. If there were a point in time in the last let's say 50-55 years that increased all of this. It was made very clear to me that society and civilization collapsed in the late 1960's (though on a side note 2020 was much worse) and am trying to see if I and anyone else believe that there were certain cultural events (or what ever things might have happened) that brought these things to be. So why are people NOT asking these questions. Don't people care instead of acting like they discovering something surprising every time these things happen?
@@alexkx8599Looking at history: No. Not just no, but hell no. People have always done this sort of thing. There have always been these types of evil people. The difference today, largely, is that because we give a shit about mental health and helping people heal from trauma rather than just telling them to “Deal with it” or pressuring them to forgive their abusers. This is an improvement. Not a failure. Not a collapse. It’s society realizing what has always been there.
@@alexkx8599if youre after an actual like statistic gathering- you should probably set up some kind of survey! Lets people give information without needing to attach it to accounts and such
You can go way back to find the same stories. Girls who had to leave the village because they had been "dishonoured" for example, it just wasn't called rape, fathers who had "gotten of the line" and so on. Lefthanded people also increased during the 70's - not because there were more left handed people, but because they would get hit when they used teir left hand to write. @@alexkx8599
Forcing a reconciliation is horrible, I was guilted into doing it by a family member and it feels like a unbearable betrayal. As if what they did didn't matter, as if your pain doesn't matter.
I’m so sorry you had to go through that. Your pain does matter and it matters infinitely more than everyone else’s comfort. I’m in the process of separating from my family, I can’t imagine what they’ll do to try to guilt me out of my decision.
I am so sorry you were made to feel that way by people round you. That's a whole extra trauma on top of what already happened in the past. People who'd do that don't deserve to have access to you!
I was made to feel that way by several family members after going no contact with my mother. I understand the feeling. The other family members completely disregard your pain and humanity and expect you to continue to be abused and ask no questions. I wish you happiness now! 🖤
I relate to Austin a lot here. I worked in healthcare for years and nothing ever phased me, I played the missing son for a confused patient, I increased the pitch of my voice to make it sound like a long lost daughter when it helped make things easier for patients when their times came. But it was during Covid when things got bad at the beginning that this experience had happened. I had built up a rapport over the course of a few weeks with this old man, he was hilarious, witty and seemed like a kind hearted soul. So he’d taken a turn after contracting Covid and had quickly reached the end. I’m inside the room with him and a nurse when he had said he was scared and asked us to hold his hand while he goes but before he goes, he needs to get something off his chest. What followed next was captured in this video, the only difference being I just about made it to an open bin before I vomited. Out of all of the things I expected him to say, this wasn’t was one of them.
@alexkx8599 Honestly, I don't think we'll ever understand what goes on in their minds. It just, IS. 😢 And it remains far more prevelant than we'll ever know. However, it's probably a good thing to try to understand what's going on because, you never know, someone just might find an answer. Maybe. I hope. ♥️♥️♥️♥️
I was raised in foster care since I was 4 years old due to the complete rainbow of abuse. At 18, I asked my mother what she would change if she could go back and do it all over again. She said she wouldn't have changed anything. She's now suffering from dementia, disabilities, and diabetes in her mid 70s and lives in a nursing home. I don't visit. It's hard to forgive someone who doesn't admit their fault. But I do get tired of the people who say, "But she's your mother!" I have no memory of her mothering me, only hurting and demoralizing me. This is just one area of my life where I'll never have perfect peace. I just focus on the blessings I have been given with my husband of 29 years, our 6 kids and 5 grandkids and I thank the Lord that the chain has been broken.
My father told my younger sister the same thing about not changing anything or regretting what he's done in his life. My sister is low contact with him compared to my no contact. Compared to many, we were lucky in that it was not physical, but longterm emotional, verbal, and psychological abuse. My sister sharing that with me helped me put to rest the niggling hope that maybe someday there's a chance of reconciliation, as he was a good dad until my stepmother came along and brought out the most toxic aspects of him permanently. I've been permanently estranged from him for over 2 decades and I'm much better off for it.
@@MelissaBlue Always remember the best parts and try not to revisit the painful parts. Sometimes it hurts too much to stare at the rearview mirror, so keep your focus on the future and make it what you want it to be. We're not alone in this kind of suffering, but we can choose to stop suffering and embrace life on our terms. 🙏🙏🙏
My mom abandoned me after she finally got of an abusive relationship when I was 9. I am 57 and if I had a penny for every person, especially her telling me to let it go, forgive, etc. I would be a millionaire!!! It is not just the scars of being abandoned, it’s the trying to return to your life like nothing happened and trying to make up for lost years as a mom! Even today, she just can’t understand why I don’t talk to her about my daily life things, duh, because maybe when I needed a mother to talk to about life issues she wasn’t there so GOD gave me the answers and guidance to become a self-sufficient human being to live life with a purpose!!!
@@keliejsturg I find it easier to stay ultra low or no contact. I am a whole person when I'm away from her. If I get too close to her or her issues, I feel myself reverting to the shy girl of my youth who begged for morsels of love and validation. I don't have the energy for rebuilding every time she knocks me down and my husband, children, and grandchildren deserve the whole me. They are my present and future. Even though my mother is still alive, she's my past. It's best to leave her there.
My mother was an aged care and palliative care nurse for many years. She's literally had dementia patients murder their roommates, heard confessions of all sorts of crimes, and goodness knows what else. Honestly, I can't fathom the emotional resilience needed to do a job like that. Mad respect.
Thank you, I wish people held this sort of attitude about it. No one can change their sexuality, but the act itself is unforgivable. If people were more willing to provide resources and medications to help it would produce a lot more results then crucifixion. Leaving someone backed into a corner like that (even if their thoughts are inhumane) isn’t going to ever end well.
@@leiah6514 I know it's a mental disorder, but that doesn't excuse them if they act on it. Heck, I could care less what a person feels, but if you hurt others, I mean, golden rule. Do no harm. He hurt his kids, so no wonder he was thrown in a nursing home. I actually find people who do nothing to be very strong willed individuals.
This was wonderful. I am not visiting or going to watch my mom die because of this. People need to know that when there is physical and S** abuse, you are not obligated to see your parents or watch them die. They destroyed your life. Why do they deserve anything more then ABSOLUTE ABANDONMENT.
I was never told when my dad passed away. And when I finally found out and read the obituary, neither I nor my older brother were mentioned as being part of the family. Only my younger brother was my younger brother was mentioned. He was a horrible father who was extremely selfish and very abusive. Now I'm waiting for my mother to die. She is also extremely selfish and was horribly abusive. We haven't spoken for a long time. And I will never forgive either of them. In fact for a long time after my father died he kept showing up in my dreams and I would keep saying to him, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be dead. You're not supposed to be alive and in my dreams. So now when I dream about him he's different and it's not the same. Some parents just weren't meant to have children. But I don't know the whole story. My mom was raised different because of the time of when she grew up. And before I was born I don't know what happened between her and my dad. I know that he was abusive to her and I don't know if that extended to sexual abuse. So that would explain a lot of the way that I was treated but I can't assume any of that. And she still doesn't deserve my forgiveness. The only family member that I truly miss is my grandmother on my moms side. She was very loving and caring and very generous with hugs. I will miss her forever.
Children naturally love their parents. Whenever I hear about an elderly person, whose children won’t ever see them, I always suspect that something has happened many many times in the household. And people just think that the kids are selfish.
My mom worked with hospice patients for years then in a nursing home and then with Alzheimer's patients... She did say that some of the things the dying patients confessed were horrendous (one woman confessed to hiding two pregnancies and having the babies in the bathroom and then drowning them and burying them in the garden because she already had four kids and being Catholic her husband didn't believe in contraception of any kind, I can't imagine how that was possible, even if it was the fifties) but what really got to her was the Alzheimer's patients because some would revert back to their younger selves and that included racism, sexism and the worst were the ones who had raped women and touched children and beat their families and believed they're back in that time... That's why the Alzheimer's unit is locked... One man relived killing his parents over and over... He went from prison at 22 to a halfway house at 68 to the Alzheimer's unit at 70... I used to worry cause she'd come home with scratches and black eyes... You'd be surprised how strong those patients can be... I swear my momma has the patience of Job
I'm glad there is strong medication for violent patients nowadays. Imagine killing two babies. What a sick freak. She premeditated for 9 months on both of them. I honestly wish I hadn't read this comment. May that woman tire in fire.
@@dylangarcia3898 omg, do people not know you can anonymously leave babies at fire stations? How horrid do you have to be to kill a child that could easily be loved by someone?
@@ljeans531 this wasn't a single mom who didn't have resources to live on ,this was a married mother of 4 who had people she could rely and yet she choose to take this evil action against her own flesh and blood
The only reason I was able to forgive my own father for the years of sexual abuse was because, after many years of being alienated from the family (my mom divorced him as soon as she found out), he found me and apologized repeatedly and very sincerely, and said he would completely understand if I never forgave him. I wasn't able to do that, not ever, but I was able to accept and understand that he, completely on his own and with no help of therapy or friends, had been a terrible father and husband. And he was truly, completely and unequivocally sorry. He did so much to help me and my husband, mostly with money (which was his "love language") but also with gifts that were timely, appropriate, useful and greatly appreciated. By the end of his life I was in control of his estate and I managed his dying and death care to the best of my ability. My mom and sister were never able to accept any of this and I completely supported them and never tried to change their minds. Accepting his apologies was tough but so incredibly healing for the us. It brought closure that I would never otherwise have had and I'm grateful for this.
Bravo. Forgiveness isn't about forgetting or suddenly thinking what happened is grand, it is what you described accepting a sincere apology, and negotiate an acceptable interaction as you the hurt party desires with boundaries. Sadly many abusers can't make apologies.
I really appreciate this comment. We don't forgive others for their sake. We forgive them for our own sake... and that doesn't necessarily mean letting them back into our lives. I also think it makes a huge difference if they've actually repented of the offense (acknowledged that they were wrong and apologized). You did a hard thing. I also don't blame people who can't, but I think they need to realize that working through their resentment is for their own benefit, not just a favor that they're doing their abuser.
Well done ... you accepted a sincere apology for unforgivable acts. Not everyone can, but some can and when it happens it's a good thing. Healing and closure are often the outcome of this. What's also so important is that you didn't force your acceptance on the rest of the family and allowed them to come to terms with this in whatever way they felt they should/could do.
Thank you all for the replies. I really appreciate you taking the time to comment. It was not an easy thing to work through, and it affects me even today, but overall I've ended up being a much better person because of all the work I've done. Thanks again!
I worked in a nursing home, and I was shocked by some of the things the residents told me about their lives when they were younger. This one sweet lady told me about the abuse her husband inflicted on her. Her son found her badly beaten and tied to her bed naked when he was just a child. Another lady, everyone thought she was a mean old bitch. She didn't take anyone's shit, that much I can verify... But the other residents were afraid of her, and even the staff would avoid having to work with her. For some reason she loved me. I was the only one she was nice to. She told me about how she taught her best friend how to drive, and her best friend ended up running off with her husband. When you work with the elderly, sometimes it's easy to forget that they were once young too, and that they're not all innocent. They're regular people, and some are bad people. I miss working in healthcare.
Great video! I have been a nurse for 30 years, almost all of it in longterm care facilities. I've had a few patients that didn't have family members come and visit them. In the beginning of my career I didn't understand how children couldn't visit their parents but, shortly after becoming a nurse I came to the realization that the "person" that I saw as my patient wasn't always the same person that their kids saw growing up. They only became that person after they got sick and needed someone else to take care of them. I discovered that the smiling, "happy go lucky" patient in front of me had barely had time for their kids as they were growing up or had abused their kids in one way or another and that was the reason their kids didn't come to see them. Their kids had distanced themselves from them for their own mental health. Therefore, I no longer judge the children for their actions, I don't know what they grew up with. It's not on us to judge anyone but if I was the daughter of a man who did something like what this patient has confessed to, I don't think I would forgive him either. I definitely agree with Austin on this one.
As a victim of all sorts of abuse including this one, forgiveness only comes when the victim has dealt with the abuse. Forgiveness is a process. I forgave my dad but it took me about ten years after I sought help for the psychological issues the abuse caused. Some people never reach that point. Bless you for not judging the family members
SPOT ON!!! This should be part of every hospital and nursing home employee orientation!!! Retired nursing home nurse here, and the stories I could tell would chill your bones. I tried to educate my staff when these times came. You never know what happened before that patient came thru your doors. Thank you so much for a brilliant video.
It's shocking this ISN'T part of education for nurses!!! It always amazes me how people are amazed by this. What, did you think you can tell by looking at them? When you grow up knowing they exist it doesn't phase you and people know statistics, but somehow always expect that people they encounter won't be the monsters. This absolutely should be mandatory teaching for all nurses, not just those who work with elderly.
This is one reason it's important to try and be understanding when people are estranged from family members. It's our natural inclination to remain connected to our families so for most people there is a reason why they would choose to detach. It's not always just some ungrateful spoiled child/grandchild issue.
Ikr? People are so judgemental about estrangement because they assume that every parent is kind and loving. It used to make me crazy; everybody blamed me when they found out that I didn't speak to my mother. I stopped even trying to explain because nobody wanted to hear my side of it. I thought it spoke volumes that the only non-family members at the funeral were three people; a friend she gave wads of money to, and employees. Even most of the family didn't show up.
@@edennis8578 sometimes when people say things like "You only have one mother/father...." or similar and keep on pressing the best reply back can be something like "Yes I know and how sad that mine had to treat me the way they did". People who were blessed with no ligit trama at the hands of family or the people meant to care and protect them truly cannot understand how blessed they are.
To be honest, I think it's very rare that a child is too spoiled to show up for their parent's death. In fact, I think the most spoiled ones will be there just to make sure they get whatever inheritance they feel is coming to them. If a child refuses to come, there is usually a justifiable reason.
Tbh, I am jealous of people who think that way. What a wonderful,easy life, to grow up in comfort and security, knowing you are loved by the people who are supposed to love you and protect you. What a gift. They are really the spoiled ones, huh? They don't appreciate what they have, or that other people don't have it. They can't conceive their parents being an object of fear and pain. So spoiled and ungrateful...
Idk. I'm always getting stories in the Google feed about ppl ghosting their families because Suzie's 4yr college was completely paid for, but sam has to go-to community college on her own dime(or her folks') because Bobby ended up needing special care due to being paralyzed in a car accident or something. There's kind of an online push for vulnerable youth to go "no contact" with family and/or friends and then the whole entitlement, where so many ppl feel owed and unappreciative, I think alot of those ppl are missing out on positive aspects of social connections - signed- a hermit. That being said, there are some really solid reasons to bounce, like lack of safety and security and risks of physical violence &/or death
Oh I knew it was going to be bad but damn, it's shame stuff like this isn't made into movies or TV programs. The survivors need to know it's okay not to forgive someone.
Sometimes you have to forgive even the most damaging people so you can move on and remain human. Forgiveness does not have to mean that you continue to see them and allow them to be part of your life.
@@theredhun maybe creating a different life and never having to see the person that hurt you again is enough. I don’t believe you need to forgive someone that hurts a child like this. There is absolutely no obligation to accept an apology for abuse or even the opportunity to hear it.
@@kirataylor4981 Forgiveness has nothing to do with listening to or accepting an apology from the abuser. It is a conscious decision of the victim to move forward from the pain, anger, and suffering caused by the abuser, so the abuser doesn't continue to poison, or destroy, your life forever. It is hard work to recover from the trauma but 120% worth it.
@@kirataylor4981 I think that's a type of forgiveness. Forgiveness is not holding a grudge or nursing active anger towards someone, it's not having them be in your life. There's family I cut off and WILL NOT contact again, but when I struggle with feeling angry, I let it go and wish them well. And then I move on. And it gets easier to move on and not let those memories control my life every time I do it.
my grandfather was a sociopath. He caused pain and misery everywhere he went, and he loved it! When he was dying he didn't ask for forgiveness, he caused more pain and laughed about it. We were there for him out of respect for family, and I think we were all hoping maybe he would at the last min. tell us he was sorry. He didn't. Burn in hell. I mean RIP....
A distant family member had had a near-death experience and recovered, so i decided to give the old perv another chance - wrong decision i tell you! He even used his near-death experience to string into vile pervy stories he would always tell and my parent did just laugh uncomfortably, instead of having us leave once he spoke his discusting piece. So when he then finally did die, i refused to mourn him and when told not to speak ill of the dead i replied "well i have told him to his face, so i am not going to start being quiet about it now". People suck
I'm the activities director at a hospital and spend a lot of time with people with local family who don't visit even when the person is dying. A lot of times the patient isn't surprised and some are even honest about having burned those bridges long ago. Sometimes it does seem that the family just can't be bothered, but there is usually way more to it than that. Even when the patients are absolute angels, you never know if they are on their best behavior or learned from the bridges they burned years ago and have changed their ways. We almost always know a different version of them than what their family knows, whether that be better or worse version. We have a patient whose sister wouldn't take over guardianship, we were kind of appalled and then found out that when the patient was 7 she tried to murder her sister with a knife and understandably the relationship deteriorated from there. You really never know and it's so dangerous to fall into the tempting trap of judging because you think you understand a family's dynamics when you really have no idea. Just because your patient is lovely to you doesn't mean they have always been that way to their family. And sometimes the family themselves is just not equipped to see their loved one in the hospital. Being hospital workers we forget how truly scary it can be to see someone you love in a strange place looking sick and some people can't handle it. We have also had family members who can't visit due to their own medical issues or not being able to find substitute care for family members they care for that can't come with them. You never know, there are a lot of good reasons family members may not visit.
I agree with all those things you said except for the part of not being able to handle seeing their loved ones sick. People need to learn to handle that. It's so insensitive to leave your loved ones at the hospital just because you can't handle seeing them sick
Agreed. That person lying in the hospital bed is facing death. The end. Judgement if they believe it, nihilism if they don't, and they're reflecting on all the things they've done. What you're seeing is someone looking at the tally, and maybe going, 'I can't add anything more.' I struggle with my mother. She was neglectful while I was a child, (though I didn't realize this til I was much, much older,) abandoned us when I was 10, and showed back up in my life at 18 and wanted to continue like nothing happened. I have no memories of her caring for me. It's so hard to explain... she stopped being my mother a long time ago. Now she's a woman I am related to and very different from, that I feel faint responsibility for, since she's never been reliable or stable in anyway. I let her live with me for nearly two years, fed and clothed, got her clean off drugs and into a job. I don't know what I'd do if she was dying.
@@Firsona beautiful of you to be able to do this for her in spite of her lack of care. I think it also helps if she's not actively toxic and out to destroy you, vs. you having established yourself as a person, healed to since degrees and is able to function relatively well in society. I imagine this topic might trigger some thoughts on how to further heal this wound of yours. Drugs can really change the way a person behaves, so if she's finally gotten off drugs, good for the both of you, and in time perhaps you'll both be ready to address the deeper stuff before she's gone for good...
@@souldancersbyjennifer It's..scar tissue. I can't say it didn't hurt, can't say it hasn't changed how I see some things, how I trust. But it's healed. I can't graft her back in because there's no longer need. Our core values are different, as well as surface values and interests. I keep silent because I know it would hurt her to know I don't see her as my mother. I suspect you are the beautiful soul in this case, to see it that way. =)
My mom used to force me and my sister to go visit her “old boss” in a nursing home because she felt bad for him that none of his family would visit. That man was creepy and I’m pretty sure my mom was just visiting to get money/gifts and to portray herself as “holier than thou”. My sister and I hated it. I remember being forced to sit on his lap as a very small child because he’s such a nice man blah blah blah and anyways he molested me. Bingo, that’s why his family ghosted the old creep. Never put your children in weird situations just to make yourself feel like you’re doing a good deed. Don’t force your children to hug or sit with anyone. Not everyone is a good person.
I came from an abusive childhood, and after my father out a gun to my head in the shower and threatened to kill me I never looked back. My mother was his next of kin even though the were divorced due to the abuse we all went through, so when he went into kidney failure she agreed to drive 2 states away to pick him up and care for him. I went with her, he died getting dialysis the day we were driving there. When the doctors said sorry for your loss. I laughed. His death wasn't a loss just was upset it took him so long to die. Never looked back.
I told my father hours before he died that I'd never forgive him, and that I was glad he'd soon be rotting in hell for all the awful things he did. He couldn't speak, but I knew he heard every word I said... I could see it in his eyes. I do not regret telling him that. It was the first step in reclaiming my life from that monster.
And I hope that You find solace, healing and happiness. You deserve it. And never let people attempt to make You feel guilty because You did nothing wrong - and if they do try, they clearly don't deserve having You in their lives.
I hope you all enjoyed this one and let me know if you want to see more videos like this! This one was a real challenge for me but i think it turned out pretty well. Thanks for your support MuFKR!
MuFKR 😱
It turned out very well. Gut-wrenching.
There sure are advantages to being a pediatric surgeon, I never hear things as shocking as this. Truthfully, I would have walked away and let him die alone. Some ppl deserve to be punished for their actions. And any person who hurts a child like that man did deserves a jumpstart on his trip to hell. IMHO
Please do more of this thank you
It was about as real as you could get, and you did great. I'm not sure if my heart could handle the pain this one caused, but keep it up.😊
I'm a retired RN and I can really relate.
I had an elderly male patient who was divorced & had 4 adult daughters.
He never had visitors and I often wondered why but never had time to completely read chart.
Finally I had a chance when I was working one night to read chart with social service referral .
I was shocked!
Mr. S . was physically abusive to his wife & kids
To top it all off he sexually molested his daughters for many many years.
I finally understood why they didn't visit him.
There is always a reason.
Mmm… not always. Sometimes there’s victim blaming- so you never know. On the other hand, i can’t imagine it ever really helps to bring people together in that sort of crisis. Sounds like that take time.
Not always, there are plenty of children who are simply selfish and ungrateful.
There’s always a reason & the victims shouldn’t be blamed 😢
I'm going to become a CNA and i often think about this. my husband has also suffered abuse from his parents and i know he wouldn't visit them in a nursing home. as a nurse, how do you make yourself give good care after knowing how some people treated their families?
So very sad😢.
Not nearly as serious but since we're talking deathbed confessions: when my great grandfather was dying, he revealed that he had another sister. This was a complete secret, nobody in the family had ever known that she existed, she was never mentioned. Wasn't even listed in her parents obituaries.
The family had completely disowned her when she was 19 for having an affair with her older sister's husband, causing a divorce (quite a scandal in a small town in the 1930s). My great grandpa hadn't seen or heard or even spoken about this sister for 60 years, but he gave us her name and asked us to track her down, apologize for him, and ask her to come to his funeral.
She came.
Sounds like she needed that!
That’s so sweet 🥹
Wow..grateful that she came but sad that it had to take a death for everyone to come together ... nice story
Aww!
She slept with her sister's husband.
There is nothing sweet in there.
So happy to see you doing such a taboo subject.
Just because someone is dying doesn't make abuse right.
@ChristBearerFlameHeartHe said he still like it
@ChristBearerFlameHeartsoooo, you expect an abused child to retraumatise themselfs for the Sake of their abuser?! Having someone listen and burden themselfs with that knowlage IS all you can expect at that Point. The abuser dying does Not gove them a right to Hurt their victims yet again!!!
Retraumatising someone does nothing to Help someone won their mistaken, IT only serves them for a very short time while they already stole so much time from their victim
@@aleks_ivanov You can feel guilty about things that feel good to you.
It was so satisfying seeing Austin, who is a very kind, compassionate, and understanding person say no to that creep
I wish Austin had told his colleague what he heard….even if it breached confidentiality or something
@@cybremystica93 Austin didn't say anything to Rich because doing so would only upset RIch even more.
@@SpidermanFan92The type of people that are Rich will learn eventually I hope.
@@SpidermanFan92I just kind of wish he said something to get Rich to stop calling the children and pressuring them to come. Even if he didn't tell him the whole story.
Yes, and a big difference between being kind and being "nice" is honesty. I really like that he's not saying it in a way to make to make the patient feel bad, but he's not trying to lie to make him feel better either. Austin just remains compassionate and authentic because that's who he is.
I'm the kids in this situation. My mother, or more accurately, the thing that birthed me, is a horrible person. She abused my sister and I in every way she could think of, came REAL close to killing us too. When we finally got away from her, after years of nonstop abuse, we cut off all contact with her. But everyone else in my family just forgave her, just acted like nothing happened. A couple years ago, our mother got really sick due to her drug use and it looked like she might die. That whole side of the family came after my sister and I, furious that we wouldn't talk to her and go see her. Telling us that we needed to get over what happened and forgive her. We declined. Some people don't deserve forgiveness.
I’m so sorry you both went through such horrors. It’s completely unforgivable. I really hope you’re both enjoying life to the full and have people around you who bring you joy, security, peace and love. Your egg donor and family are so wrong. Lots of love from this stranger to you both x
I've heard "forgiveness isn't for the forgiven." If it is better for you to forgive, then forgive. If not, nope!
My sister from another mister spent a long time after her egg donor died humming "ding ding the witch is dead" at odd moments, though her sperm donor is still around. I think I'll throw her a party when she's technically an orphan!
@@ldoe8731 I would be lol.
@@christinelloyd667 That "forgiveness isn't for the forgiven" pisses me off. It absolutely IS for them. If they don't deserve it they shouldn't get it.
@@mischarowe As in, "it's for the forgiver," which I take to mean that the only person whose opinion matters (and whose well-being matters) is the forgiver. Nobody else can demand it. Nobody else can say how it will affect the forgiver.
It may also affect the forgiven person if they are forgiven, but that's a side effect. It is not and should not be the point, no matter what outside parties may try to claim.
It's a lot like "pull yourself up by your bootstraps," a phrase that in the literal sense means one thing (a sarcastic phrase implying of course you can't pull yourself up by your bootstraps because physics so we have to help each other out) and was perverted to mean the exact opposite.
I'll try to remember to be more explicit in the future.
As someone who struggles with CPTSD because of this kind of abuse and stayed away during a parental death, I deeply appreciate how this was done. I've had decades of people telling me to forgive for the sake of family peace, but no one seems to care about the severe trauma I'm still trying to recover from over 30 years after escaping it.
I've gone through the same... also from my father
I'm so sorry you guys❤ You both deserve love a safety and always did. Nothing that happened was your fault. 😢
You don't have to forgive.
Period.
✌🙏
RIGHT I understand this. My grandmother has tried to force family peace because my mother still my mother. Dismissing everything that she's ever done and never believing my side of the story. Even though there was not only my side but my dad's if we had the same stories of abuse done to us by my mother. Now I'm just considering whether or not going no contact. I've made my amends. I know I'm good with God. I attempted to fix the relationship but It just doesn't feel right.
@@scoobydoo_forever You never need to do anything like this unless you completely choose for yourself. If it's not right, do not do it. All my sympathies.
We found out my monster that raped and impregnated my sister died a few years back. We only knew because my nephew started getting social security payments. We celebrated that night, and ran into someone she knew that happened to work hospice from their hometown. Turns out he died alone and miserable, begging his aide (who was friends with hometown aide) to just sit with him because he was scared.
I'm happy he got a small peice of the feelings he gave to her. Bastard.
I had a man once admit WWII war crimes on his deathbed. He was German, no family left. I am Jewish, my name is Hebrew. Maybe he thought confession to one of us would prevent eternal damnation? I worked in palliative care for a time, so I’ve heard many things. But THAT was the one I remember.
That would’ve been very difficult to respond to. I had one who said (after I complimented his wife’s devotion after she had left the room) that he was so lucky she stayed with him after he had beaten her for years. He had tears in his eyes as he said it and I was floored. I agreed that he was lucky and continued like nothing, but inside I was seething and wished she would just walk away from him. Some people are just pos and no last minute regret changes that.
Thank you. You did an excellent job of portraying both of them.
It is an awful thing but you didn't make light of it. Poor Austin, he'll have nightmares about this but he was truthful about not forgiving.
To any victims reading this, you DO NOT owe your abuser(s) the gift of forgiveness and peace on their deathbed. It won’t make you a bad person to completely close that door on them. It will be liberating, it’ll lift up your spirit and you will receive peace.
@Steveioe this video needs a warning at the beginning!! It made me feel sick to my stomach to think of all the victims that are watching this and it made me think of all the children currently suffering this abuse.💔
Thank you. No forgiveness
Forgiveness isn't a gift for the abuser. It's for the victim.
@@nataliekubus1041 I will never forgive my abuser. To me, forgiveness means I accept your apology. There's no way I can forgive someone who doesn't even understand the pain they've caused. Someone who has absolutely no feelings of remorse. Forgiving someone like this doesn't make me feel good. It isn't closure. Her casket being closed will be my closure.
@@user-wk5tx2xd1g Same. My foster mother s3xually abus3d me. If I forgave anything or even apologized myself she saw it as "I did nothing wrong. I'm all great." She is a malignant sadistic narcissist, who hopefully dies soon. When my foster parents are dead, I will finally feel free.
People also tend to misunderstand that forgiveness means the relationship is automatically patched and renewed when it is not. Forgiveness only means they won't wish harm on you for the past actions anymore, it does not mean any love or kindness or trust will be given. Those need to be earned back.
Thanks for this video. My dad molested my half sister when she was 9, then isolated me so I never got to see my birth mom after age 3, I only recently found my moms family through DNA tests but she’d died by then. He physically abused me for many years, until I was big enough to fight him. He emotionally abused and neglected me and I was sad throughout my childhood. No one seemed to care, even when I went to school with bruises on my face. Then when I left home at 16 and got into college, he and my step mom were on crack for years and almost died. It was all I could do to get them to fill out my FAFSA forms so I could get financial aid (obviously my dad wasn’t helping me pay for anything). He also told my childhood best friend that I liked to lie and not to believe the stories about him beating me. No one I ever told about the abuse ever believed me. He went super religious to atone for his sins, but when he gets drunk he talks about how much he wants to have sex with young girls. When I was 15 he bought some rope and wrapped it around my wrists and asked if I thought it was nice and soft and felt good around my wrist. He was always friends with other child molesting men and i had to watch out for them too. I haven’t spoken to him in 5 years and haven’t seen him for 10. Definitely not going to be there when he dies. He was the only family I had, and I couldn’t trust him. I don’t believe in hell, but for him I hope it’s real
Well it doesn't work like that Hell is REAL even if you pretend to not believe in it
and it sounds like your father has a one way ticket. The Bible is very clear about not messing with kids. And if he's still covering his sins and not doing anything
to make anything right with you or kids in general then he's going. God will not
be mocked. But I am sorry for what happened to you and hope you have your
own loving family one day.
Trust me, baby, there a special place in the hottest depths of hell for him. Right next to my enemies...haha hope you are doing ok. Best wishes.
I'm so sorry you went through such things. Ignoring your bruises -- it's heart-breaking.
I can't even express how sad and outraged your experience made me feel. When I hear something like this, I feel our society is more screwed up than I think it is (and I think it's pretty screwed up). How could it be that NO ONE noticed what was going on and didn't do a d*** thing to help you? You were betrayed by your father, your family, teachers, neighbors, extended family, law enforcement, social workers, the justice system, the entire kitchen sink. It shouldn't have been this way, not in an ideal world, but this is obviously not an ideal world. I just hope you've been able to meet some decent people who love you: people who would never for one nanosecond allow you to be treated like this ever.
@@melissastewart9842
Yes, it's always the indifference/more abuse from the rest of the world that makes me angriest.
You really put the right words for the "it's more fucked than I think, and I already think it's fucked"
When my mum was in the nursing home I never visited her. I couldn´t. I just couldn´t. Thank you, Austin.
When my abusive dad died, I just shrugged. Just another day in the life. Good riddance.
I don’t know how I’m going to feel when my dad dies. Been no contact for years, and it feels weird to shop up to the funeral of a man I have nothing good to say about
I wondered the same thing about both of my abusive parents. I really didn’t feel much when they died. A bit of relief, that’s all.
I wasn’t there when my mother died, and I only went to her funeral to make sure she was really dead. She was a manipulative narcissistic pill head. She did things to me I’ll never speak of. Growing up in that household was a nightmare. I completely understand why some people don’t show up. You don’t owe them anything and sure don’t owe them forgiveness. People that pressure you to forgive don’t realize that THAT is also abuse. Don’t let anger eat you up, but realize that you don’t HAVE to forgive. Some things are just unforgivable.
My mom had 2 sisters, and one was married to a pedo, but that was a deep, dark secret that no one ever spoke about. I remember as a child going to stay with them during the summers. I remember him walking around the house naked, I remember her stabbing me with sewing needles. I also have blank spots in my memories about some of the time I spent there. I also remember one summer there was another kid my age at the apartment complex my aunt lived in, and he and I would get together every day, and spend almost all day playing and swimming in the complex's pool. That summer, I remember pretty much all of.
Jump to 15 odd years later. He had died, and it had come out that he had felt up my niece, but all I had was those blank spots and uncharacteristic rage whenever he'd come around, so I didn't go to his funeral. A year or two later, his wife (aunt 1, with the needles) died, and my mom asked me to come to the funeral. Her other sister was very sad, and after the funeral I said, "Good riddance." My mom looked shocked even though she knew about the needles (at least that much), but my other aunt slapped me.
I just looked at her for a minute, turned and walked out to my motorcycle, and as I was putting my helmet on aunt came out to apologize but I just left as I didn't trust myself to keep all the repressed hate in. I'm guessing mom told her about some stuff, maybe.
I didn't blame aunt 2 for anything, but it was another 20 years or so before I spoke to her. By the time she passed, a few years after my mom went, we were on decent terms, and I'm glad of that.
Deep, dark unspoken family secrets. I honestly don't consciencely remember him doing anything to me, but as I grew into adulthood that rage against him grew and grew. Even now, in my 60's I wonder what is in those blank spots. I'm not sure I want to know though.
My sincere advice is to consider the blank space a mercy from your brain to your soul.
I remember things I wish had stayed blank.
Wow, both of your perspectives are heartrending.
I have my own “history”, but I’m doing OK now.
My wish for both of you is that, if you choose healing, you find a wonderful therapist.
And if you’re doing OK now, I wish you freedom from the past, wholeness and all the joy that is your birthright.
All love and support to you ❤
You have the basis for a great short story, if this is something you would want to pursue.
I’m 53 and have only filled in some blank spots in the last three years or so. It didn’t help my rage any.
I’m still working on it, but I will be triggered by something and be enraged all over again.
Truly letting something go, forgiving, is a process. It isn’t a one time action. You do it for yourself, because learning to let go of my wrath drops my stress and increases my peace.
I swapped around pronouns there, but you get the point. Your brain is protecting you by blocking the memories- let it. When the anger or memories of that jerk surface, deliberately say to yourself, “I refuse to let you hurt me anymore. I won. You’re dead.” Then turn your mind and heart to things and people that make you happy.
Do yourself a favor: Don't go poking around in those blank spots. Take it from someone who did exactly that. It doesn't end well. I genuinely hope for a peaceful life for you and that you never have to relive whatever is hidden there.
Stay safe, friend. Wherever you are.
Was a CNA for a long time. Lots of crazy confessions at the end. I've had a couple old ladies say they killed their husband for being abusive. I usually congratulated them and changed the subject so I could finish doing cares. Neither of them showed remorse, they weren't asking forgiveness 😆 One asked if she thought she was going to hell for not feeling bad, and I told her that I wasn't clergy, but I knew her husband was in hell. She laughed so hard. Woman was almost a century old, I wasn't going to try to condone nor condemn, and I'm an atheist to boot.
Technically isn’t that self defense? I think I’d probably label it that anyway. What’d the Dixie chicks say? Good bye Earl…
@@FruitnotAnut2011 Look up how many women are sitting in prison right now for killing their abusers, then come back and we can have a better discussion....
Edit: Don't get me wrong, I agree with you. But it's much more complicated than that.
Sadly, it may not even have been fact. I've worked with patients who invented whole families.
@@muchtested Very possible. But also, for a long time in our world's history, many poisons were easy to find and impossible to prove or detect. And then you had men who beat their wives, the very wives who fed them everyday, and also had easy access to undetectable poisons.
I'm just saying, I wouldn't be surprised if they made it up, but I also wouldn't be surprised if it happened.
Would it have sucked if she was really condemned to hell for not feeling bad, and ended up spending eternity with him?
Difficult topic. I had something similar happen once and had to pull on all my training not to show shock or judgement. My client survived, we talked, at her insistence, police called and she reported herself. Don't know what happened after. Hope the kids had some type of healing from her confessions. I had to do a lot of debriefing afterwards. It was 15 years ago. You carry these events within you forever.
I work in a hospital, and I used to work in a nursing home. I always granted the families who never came grace, for this reason. When people would talk badly about them, I always pointed out that we didn't know what kind of parents they were when they were strong and powerful. So they are nice when they are weak and helpless and depending on us? Big deal. I won't be there when my parents die. And I'm not ashamed of it.
“… we didn’t know what kind of parents they were when they were strong and powerful.”
Very well put. I am trying to commit this to memory.
Literally had chills go through my body. Glad Austin answered him truthfully.
Did not expect this, one of my worst fears is having to see my parents (particularly father) again after what they have done to me .
I'm so relieved that there are some nurses that understand we were once helpless children at the hands of these predators that failed us not negligent ungrateful monsters.
Always so much respect for everything you do and deal with.
As a victim of this type of abuse, I thank you for this video. ❤️🙏
I agree. No forgiveness. My family is in denial and the perpetrator is dead.
Poor Austin....but this happens way more than people have any idea of.
I imagine being that nurse and hearing that without screaming or leaving was one of the hardest things they did. But I'm glad he was honest with the guy
Y'know maybe I'll just go work at the pediatric unit
Hello from picu,
Dying kids r worse... innocent humans that did nothing... it is the worst feeling...
But i dont miss adults... annoying and disgusting...
That's what deathbed guy said! 😆😐😔🤢
Imagine if one of his kids was your patient.
problem is you either deal with the pervert who did that or the one who had it done to them... there is no winning there :(
@@RY-fe3rt 💀😂 But so bad 🤦🏽♀️
I remember a patient years ago who had back surgery. She was your typical white trash from east Arkansas. 50 but looked 65, drug addled, no teeth etc. She was so sweet and uneducated but seemed so sad. One time i was taking her to the bathroom and she started talking about her life as a kid. I asked questions and we went back and forth like this. Then she said, "momma never did like us kids". It broke my heart.
Poor Austin for being in such a dark situation but appreciate the real content of what nurses go through that I would have never imagined. Shows you can never judge a situation without knowing the full story. Awesome quality as always💜
Seriously dude you need to start auditioning for acting gigs. You were so spot on with the portrayal of “Mr Smith” and Austin’s soft no when he gave it thought and realised the moment he and the patient were in. Just got me in the feels. I was a hospital pharmacist for years so I’ve been there. 😢Helping with compressions when nursing was short in the ER running to mix TPA, back to get histories. You are awesome 👏.
Deathbed confessions stick with those who hear them. Big heart hugs to my brothers and sisters in possession of these memories ❤️ Tammy, ER RN
You handled this painful & all too often real scenario with honesty. Well done & thank you.
Thank you for this. 12 years as a Hospice nurse have taught me that situations are often not what they seem to be at first glance. Many dying patients want to talk...about their life, their regrets, and dying. It's an uncomfortable topic for many families, especially with complicated relationships. I have learned so much from caring for Hospice patients and their families. It's a calling, sometimes, it's hard, but always, it's fulfilling! ❤
When I worked the hospice, I heard more than a few. 14 years later, had to get out of it. Takes its toll. I was offered hospice work much later in life. It's a lifelong burnout. I'm so sorry you guys have to hear that stuff, too.
I know some patients are felons for this reason - you do your best work based on who you are - not them.
I'm in tears. As a person who was abused as a child, he got what I hope the person who did it to me and to every other child had coming to him. He is the only person I can not forgive.
Thank you for doing this.
As a psychiatric hospice nurse I understand why families cut all contact with a person. Many times the client had damaged this family so badly they cut all contact. To attend to these clients compassionately I focused on the client's here and now, not the past. It was not easy, but I will know that individual died with a caring person at their side.
Yeah, it wasn't you who he tortured!
You made me cry at work. Either I've become a softy with age, or you're that good of a story teller and actor. I prefer to think it's the second one.
Every victim deserves, at the very least an apology. The doesn't mean they owe anyone forgiveness
0:21 the dying dad could be toxic to his kids.
Been there. Must be terrifying to be dying when you know you’ve done horrible things. People who abuse other’s are usually the product of being abused themselves and it just keeps getting passed down through generations over and over again until someone stops the cycle. No matter what our issues are, we have got to find the strength & courage to work ourselves so we don’t damage others. Too many people just cop out saying “this is just how I am, I can’t help it”. I know it seems that way but actually there are many ways to change & improve ourselves. No excuses. The alternative is dying alone, terrified of the consequences. Food for thought. This is a really good video. Thanks Austin.
This is one of the hardest moments as a nurse. You have to pretend that vile, horrific things don't bother you and you have to be kind no matter who you're caring for.
i have more than one beloved who is a nurse and they've described the shock and horror of similar situations. having all the information is extraordinarily important, but not always possible. so it feels like best practices to assume that no one is just an asshole for not coming to see a dying family member, that the sweet older person in your bed has had an entire life where they may have done some pretty abhorrent things, and giving the option of seeing a family member as they're dying is (or should be) very different from trying to force a reconciliation. give the family the option but never pressure them in any direction. great video, this feels like it will reach more folks than a video essay would and this is something that many will have to deal with in their lives, no matter which side of it they're on.
This was one of the best skits you've done. Excellent work, friend.
This one got me right in the feels 😢. But thank you, this needs to be said.
That's not what I expected. Gosh you did such a good job of this! Congrats on making an amazing and emotional video! More like this!
Interestingly I have spent most of the day today reading about childhood emotional (and other) abuse, and I was fully expecting it to be the parent's fault. Did not expect that though. Some families huh, it's awful.
Wow! That was very well done.
Austin has some acting chops.
Sometimes, forgiveness is not for the other person but for your own healing
Steveioe's acting here is actually shockingly good. He always pops up on my feed as "Oh, that guy, the snarky nurse / content creator" (who is sometimes a little too snarky for my taste). But, damn, the micro-expressions "Austin" exhibits? The painful but so, so, so understated look of disbelief/ disgust/ emotional conflict? God damn, that's some grade-A acting.
Wow, big departure from your usual content, but you handled it really well! Folks who come from healthy families (or even just unhealthy families that they've been taught to normalize) don't often think about the potential reasons people have for cutting communication with family members. I see the same thing in my school: teachers that can't imagine how bad things can be at home for kids, or even parents. They're not bad teachers, they just don't have the perspective. Thanks for offering folks that perspective. It really matters 👏👍❤
I was in the vocational counseling, it took me a while to get used to to the things people would tell me while in counseling sessions. There a lot of wounded individuals living among us all, both victims and perpetrators.
We’ve come so far in the world, and yet, there is nothing we can do, to prevent this kinda thing to happen. The fact that he knew what he did was wrong, is something, but it will NEVER fix it. If you throw a plate on the floor, it breaks, and if you say sorry, it’s not gonna put itself together. People like this need to be punished for their actions. Punished so harsly that the thought of doing it again, will make them sick to their stomach.
I too am a victim of SA, and the bad guy is my cousin. I’ve learned to live with what happened, and am able to have a normal conversation. I will never forget. It’s not embarassing for me, but it sure as heck is for him. He’s the one that did it after all.
Wow! Well done! Explosive topics (death, SA and family dynamics) all handled perfectly 🌹
Wow this one was really powerful! There are people in my family that i cut out of my life for those kind of reasons. Other relatives have no idea and sometimes send messages because they think i was being mean and ungrateful. Grateful I never got calls from the hospital when one of them passed.
I'm so glad that this topic is getting out. There are parents that were downright nasty & abusive. We may not know the specifics of their relationship, but we need to respect it. My brother was working in a hospital & there was a woman that died. She never had visitors in her last days or hours. A daughter finally came in to sign off on the body. The staff was wondering where to send the body. The daughter told the staff to just give the body to science, throw away personal possessions & she walked away. She had no interest in dealing with her. The hospital staff was in shock. My brother rarely gets ruffled, but even he realized there was something there that ran deep and painful.
Yeah, as someone who went to the ward with lots of cirrotic pacients who had, to say the least, very complicated lifes and hurted a lot of people, they usually are the kind to die alone calling for those same people to come one last time.
Really hard situation to be in.
Can we just appreciate the level of acting here? Had to remember that it was steve playing 3 characters not 3 different people. Very well done. More please!
I just realized something else. Austin is so pure hearted that he chooses to protect Rich from having to carry the burden of what kind of monster this man is.
I agree. Also, managing intense feelings can hinder adequate care to all patients, much less the pt who did heinous things. Might as well keep it to oneself until pt dies.
Genuinely! I hope that Austin has someone to talk to about the fallout from this, bc man that's a heavy burden to carry.
Well yeah, but if Austin doesn’t say something to Rich, it might mean Rich continuing to pressure the man’s other victims and coming off kinda judgy on the phone. I guess Austin could find some way of saying to Rich, “He knows they have reasons. Just notify them and leave it at that.”
It’s also not Rich’s business to know that the man’s children were molested by their father. Rich has spoken to the adult children on the phone several times already and they chose not to say anything about it to him. It’s up to them if they want anyone to know.
I hope Austin can tell somebody about it. That’s a heavy burden to carry alone. And then to bag up their shit after they die and have that weighing on you… ugh
To all nurses and carers who don't force a reconciliation with family when your patients is on their death bed, thank you.
Oh god that would be so unprofessional if they did
@@pisces2569 there's plenty who do, having no idea why the family wants nothing to do with the patient.
My mother is currently in a nursing home, and she is only 69. I have explained to the nurses and staff hundreds of times that I want no contact. I get calls AT LEAST once a week from someone who "forgot."
@@JAB1979 that sounds hard. It's none of their business why you want no contact but when they keep calling it's hard not to say "This, this is why..." and hope that will stop the calls.
I can relate as well. I don't feel sorry for my abusers who never showed true remorse.
Even though my parents abused me in different ways, the SA came from my older brother… nobody did anything about it (as if it just never happened) so I’m made out to be the one who looks like the bad guy avoiding family. They’ve depended on me so much as a child but now I’m just done with the burden and guilt I felt having to take care of my two younger siblings. This is an old video so this will be lost in the comments but thanks for reading my story if you are ❤
I'm glad you're safe now! Anyone who thinks you're the bad guy for setting boundaries and protecting yourself from abusers are not worth listening to. Protect yourself so that you can share your love and your light with people who deserve it: the people (and pets!) you choose to bring into your life.
You've probably forgotten about this comment. But I wanted to tell you that you deserve happiness and love and you don't need to get it from family if it's conditional. I hope you already know this, but sometimes it's good to be reminded that this fact doesn't make you a bad person. I hope you're well and I don't know you, but I'm sending you love. (don't really know why I felt the need to write this)
I hope you are in a better place.
I am a sex abused survivor. My brother mulisted me me starting at the age of 2. He tried to rape me when I was 16. NO!!!! Do not feel guilty for any reason. Life is to short. You are not alone. Take care of you. ❤ 🤗 peace
I''m sorry that happened to you, and kept happening. You are an amazing, strong and empathetic person. Keep healing and wrap yourself with love and positivity - you deserve it. 💌❤
When the nurse caring for my biological grandfather got ahold of my mom to tell her he was dying and berated her for not coming to be with her dying father, she replied with a cool "I haven't seen that man since he abandoned me and my mother when I was eight years old. Tell him I'm going to get milk." And hung up.
Damn that's savage, love ur mom!
@@zelpazz the grandfather is the savage one but I see your point ❤️
Damn. Good on the mom.
Well done mom! Good for her for standing up for herself and your grandmother.
I have been shocked to learn similar things. Hard to know how to react. Austin had it right.
As a victim thats been pressured for decades to "make amends" with my abuser by unwittingly well intended relatives; I thank you for making this video.
Well you don’t have to talk to anyone. But you should forgive in your heart at least. We are all human we are all sinners…. No sin is greater in the eyes of god. We are all equally disgusting in the eyes of god when it comes to sin
@@chilogutierrez8760Nope, nope, nope. Judge not lest ye be judged and get out of here with that BS.
I'll agree with you that God can judge us however he pleases, but in my pitiful human eyes, people who sexually abuse children will always and forever be more disgusting than their innocent victims. I can't believe you have the nerve to talk to a stranger like you have here unless you truly just haven't taken the time to think through how your comment comes across. I hope for your own sake that you had a lapse in judgement when you made your comment, but if not and you really thought it through, it's OK because you're only as disgusting as a pedophile in God's eyes since you're a fellow sinner, too, right?
Lord forgive me for judging you and your uncompassionate heart as much as he forgives you for judging a victim of childhood sexual abuse.
To the OP: I don't know you or your heart. It's none of mine or anyone else's business whether you've forgiven your POS abuser. Some people find peace in forgiving their abusers -- I don't want my comment to imply that I think that's necessarily wrong. Whatever and however healing and peace looks like for you, I hope you've found it or are finding it. Best wishes from an internet stranger.
@@chilogutierrez8760 Ultimately, it's between God and man. We can't quite say if someone should should forgive. We know they need to. But we should avoid making it sound easy
@@chilogutierrez8760 who are you to tell what other people should or should not do in their heart?
@@chilogutierrez8760 STFU shit like that should never be forgiven
As a survivor of parental abuse (luckily not of the sexual variety), I felt this one in my soul and I can't express enough how validating and comforting it was to hear Austin say "no" to the old man.
People don't realize that most adult children don't cut off their parents out of laziness or ingratitude, for many of us it's a matter of self-preservation. There's already so much pressure on us to reconnect with our parents and forgive them, especially if they're older or their health is declining, but doing so would take a huge toll on our own mental and physical health.
Not to mention that many of us have already experienced so much gaslighting, guilttripping and blameshifting that a reconciliation would further invalidate our pain and trauma.
Exactly! The attachment children feel towards their parents is biologically hardwired, BUT… that means it takes A LOT of fear and pain to override those instincts and replace that love with hate or indifference.
This. If gaslighting was actual gas, I'd have a full tank for life
Same. when I’ve said that I loved my mom, but I didn’t necessary like her I’ve had people give me strange looks. But some people understand.
I knew there had to be some sort of abuse or neglect when the guy said the kids dropped him in a nursing home and never came to visit. That doesn't come out of nowhere.
@@maryannlockwood7806 yeah, I totally understand. What angers me the most is the last two years of Mother's life was the best I've had with her. And she too, like that old guy had NO ONE come visit or call her. She had moderate dementia when she passed and that person was a doll and so genuine. I'm trying not to let that make me feel guilty of how I felt, but I absolutely enjoyed the two years. Those two years made up for the 45 evil years prior. Even her spirit being is incredible. She got me away from a covid situationship and I believe she guided me to a possible electrical fire. But all in all, because of her person, no one was there for her including my sister who had her only grandchild. 🤭 But as a payback, I buried her next to her mom. She always said she didn't want to be buried there. We live in MI, her home is DC. So, yeah, she's in DC with her mother. They had a beautiful relationship so I'm sure she's fine.
The shock I got in my eyes the same way Austin did when he confessed about what he did. I was not expecting that.
i know right
This is one reason it's important to try and be understanding when people are estranged from family members. It's our natural inclination to remain connected to our families so for most people there is a reason why they would choose to detach. It's not always just some ungrateful spoiled child/grandchild issue.
Totally off topic but how did you get the pretty deco for your name.!
@@tmf1586i cant stand my mother because shes disabled but milked the fuck out of it while spending her days on facebook pretending to be mother of the year. Best part is that when her new boyfriend came she went from barely able to walk and living on the couch to attempting to be an actual mom that cooked meals and cleaned the house and went out on dates with him. I still wonder who the fuck that woman is and wanted her to replace my bitchy always screaming mother.
Is it sad that I had a gut feeling he abused them before he even started talking?
I was a social worker and we had a dying male hospice pt who kept feeling pulled toward flames in the corner of the room(that no one else saw). He was terrified. His adult, downs syndrome daughter admitted to us that "Daddy used to do terrible" things to her, similar to this. None of us grieved his death.
Dangggggg….he knew he was going to hell…*shivers*
If this is real, that is terrifying
The hallucinations of a religious man who knew he done fucked up.
I heard of a man who died in a similar state of mind. He was also known for abusing his daughters. Scary.
Well deserved I'd said.
Thank you for doing this.
This is the part people often forget. Just because there is an old feeble person dying doesn’t mean that they were good.
Evil gets old too.
And it often lives much too long as well.
yup. from what i have seen in my life the good ones go first and the evil ones live to be like a hundred...@@pennyc11
Yes it does
I heard a few old crazy stories of death bed confessions of people admitting what they'd done in WW2. Can't imagine taking care of some old man and then having him admit he was a card carrying nazi or that he got his Jewish neighbors deported
"evil gets old too" such a true quote, gonna be using this!
For anyone that relates to this video and needs to hear it: You are *never* obligated to forgive someone that has harmed you, and don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise.
Yup, you can heal and move on just fine without actually forgiving.
Healing is internal and about the things you feel and what you have power over. Forgiveness is external because it’s about the other person. In practice, things can get really muddled too, so when someone tells you to forgive another person so you’ll feel better, it’s really not that simple. It’s not fair to reduce it to that.
I understand why this one person in my life did the things they did, and I appreciate the work they’ve done to become a better person. We’ve fixed our relationship and are happy, but I don’t think I’ll ever forgive them because I can’t condone what they did. I can’t say, “oh, it’s ok”, because it literally wasn’t ok. But I appreciate the hell out of them for becoming a better person and tell them so often. It’s complicated. But I’m in a good place, and that’s what matters.
The goal of healing should be to one day forgive. Forgiving isn't letting them off the hook. Forgiveness is taking ourselves off, that way those things never hurt us again. Unforgiveness keeps us a prisoner to the pain. We don't have to hang out with these people. That's not what forgiveness is. We release their power over us when we forgive. I was raised by a Covert Narcissistic "mother"; abandoned by my "dad", who started a new family; sexually abused by relatives; physically/mentally abused by my first covenant husband; raised in an EXTREMELY DYSFUNCTIONAL HOUSEHOLD. I am now homeless/living in a minivan/sleeping at a gas station every night. It is ok to feel angry, hurt, sad/depressed, etc...BUT IT IS NOT OK TO HATE. HATE IS THE SAME AS MURDER in the eyes of the CREATOR. I don't HATE anyone. I could not control what happened to me as a child. But I can control who I surround myself with now. I am trying to FORGIVE. THAT IS THE GOAL/LEADS TO RECOVERY.
I was sexually abused and yes we do need to work toward forgiveness.. it’s not the same as forgetting and by forgiving we are stepping aside and letting God be the judge and jury.. it’s a freeing Feeling to forgive.. unforgiveness keeps us in bondage..
@@thehomelesshebrews Using the word "forgiveness" is part of the issue, a lot of people define forgiveness as having an aspect of graciousness or acceptance. No one should have to accept, or give grace to someone that hurt them. Healing self blame and victim culpability mindset is the only option for some people/situations and being told to "forgive" their abuser can actually resurface very serious traumas. Even when we have the best of intentions. Just something to keep in mind. ❤
My friend's relatives are creeps and he has not seen any of them in 15 years. 5 years ago his grandmother sent him a letter saying she was offended and the only excuse he had was if he was physically harmed. Gulp!
An old friend went through something like that with her father. She went to see him when she got the call from the nurses but refused to go into the room until he had actually gone.
She said one of the nurses asked her why and she told them "I just needed to make sure the old bastard is dead. After all he did to us. I had to see his body."
Everyone deals with life in their own way...
I have a relative who died not too long ago, I used to live with them. I do forgive them, but I don’t really feel any attachment to the loss. But because everyone is so heartbroken about it, I choose not to say anything for their own right. I make up stuff so I won’t hurt them, and I am starting to wonder if I am a good person cuz I don’t feel anything about it. I dunno dude...
When my grandfather died, my mom took her time coming home because she didn't want a desth bed scene
He was an awful and abusive husband and father.
I went to visit my abusive father on his deathbed, hoping for closure. I hadn't seen him for 19 years at at that point. But all he did was blame my mum for his own actions. I should never have gone. He'd put me down as next of kin. After I saw him, I explained to the wonderful nurses the truth about the past, and they removed me as next of kin. Otherwise I would have been liable for funeral arrangements and costs etc. This was in 2001. I'm grateful for the nurses for doing that. They were great.
I, too, went to see my birth father the week before he died. I hadn’t seen him for 30 years. I didn’t do it for him. I did it for me. He didn’t deserve to spend any time with me. However, I needed that closure and time to show me what I already knew, but still needed to see in person. It was the hardest, yet, most cathartic thing I had ever done.
I went back a week later for the funeral, just to make sure he was really dead. I can’t tell you the relief I had when I knew he was no longer a threat.
If you hadn't gone you may have spent years wondering if you'd robbed yourself of closure after it was too late. I'm sorry that happened, but at least you don't have to wonder if you could have found closure.
Must be related to my father
Grieve and move on.
Thank you all for your kind comments. I am so sorry you've had to go through what your parents have put you through. Please never forget that you are all amazing. Sending you all lots of love. Xxx
My mother visited her abuser on his death bed, and so did my uncles. I don't understand why. He was a monster.
I never felt so relieved than when Austin said “No” like that. I have struggled with my religious mother and sister about forgiving a family member for the same thing, which I refuse to do. I feel like I have been seen and accepted now, so thank you from my whole heart.
I have many people to forgive as well and it’s hard. I honestly don’t want to but God doesn’t forgive us of our sins if we don’t truly forgive others. I really don’t think it’s fair to put that on us humans but it’s something I’m trying to work through,I’ve spent almost it not all of my life in hell I’m not going to let these people be the reason I end up in the real one.
I thought he was going to say "I don't know" for that as well, but I can understand "no".
@@momentsformoms9467 Jesus said that before he made the ultimate sacrifice for our sins. So remember, it's different now. He paid the price and we are free. Also, he said that even God doesn't forgive unless the person #1. asks for forgiveness and #2. repents: is truly sorry and **doesn't do it again!** If someone is truly repentent and changes their ways, I can forgive, at least after some years have gone by. If not, then I'm not going to worry about it. I've known people to forgive before the other person has repented, and they suffered for it and in my brother's case, his wife and daughter suffered for it.
@@momentsformoms9467I mean, if you’re truly repentant about something and ask God for forgiveness, he will forgive you. All He says is to not be a hypocrite, to turn to him and be more like him. Now, does he want us to forgive? Yes. Is it hard sometimes? Yes. But also, when you say it’s unfair to ask that of us who are humans, truthfully speaking, we don’t deserve Gods grace but he’s still willing to forgive us.
But forgiveness is also good. It’s a way to heal. And I’m of the opinion, just because you’ve forgiven a person, doesn’t mean you have to interact with that person.
@@rosarodriguezarguijo93 Thank you for your last line. Forgiveness does not mean trust or the relationship can be restored. Forgiveness is for the sake of the forgiver to let the forgiver move on and refuse to let the past make the future worse and strive to make it much better than it would be without forgiving.
I also want to add, when I forgive someone, it isn't for my sake. If my morals were up to me and I was acting in selfishness, I would have killed the persons in my life that this old man represents long before he got to his death bed. I forgive because Jesus commands it and I trust Him and His judgment.
I have a friend who works in a hospital. I used to work as a trauma therapist. When a person is not even willing to see their dying parent or sibling, there is probably a reason for it.
I, myself, will not be seeing my mother when the time comes. I hope that people out there realize that they do not owe their abusers anything despite being blood related. It doesn’t matter how others will judge.
I disagree that they usually have a good reason. Gen Z is full of ungrateful kids who refuse to talk to their parents over the dumbest reasons. I think it’s best not to assume either way if they have a good reason or not.
I am in the same boat with you.
@@supersexysadieNo it isn't. You don't know their parents.
Right? I say let them judge you. That helps you figure out that they were just her 'flying monkeys' all along.
From the absolute, bottom of my heart ~ Thank you, for saying that ~ Nobody seen my mother before her time...she was found dead in her home ~ She was a Very, Very cruel peron...I really do not know how any of us kid's survived her 😔 When I was informed of her death...........I was Horrifically Relieved.
My sister worked in a nursing home for over 15 years and the deathbed confessions she has heard were crazy. Mostly people confessing to having lied in their youth and got someone jailed/lynched/murdered. Some actually confessed to murder themselves and/or rape. A surprising number of women who claimed to have killed their husbands/first husbands. She finally transitioned to the admin side of things because she couldn't take it anymore.
Wow, I feel better now! I've been nervous about what I would say about my past if I got dementia; it doesn't look so bad, now. 😮
I would take most of that with a grain if saly. People on the verge of dying are totally out of it and are not at all in touch with reality
@@mellie4174 I assure you; it's not those dying patients who are "out of touch with reality". Maybe go volunteer at a hospice and get a dose of it; you could use it!
God damn. My granny confessed, on her dead-bed, that my dad wasn't the son of her husband my "grandpa", but rather the son of my grandpa's brother. She'd had a fling with him while my grandpa was away in the Navy. Damn, I thought that was heavy. But murders and getting people lynched!? And of course, stuff like in the video. Holy shit. O_O;
Before no-fault divorce was available nationwide, wives secretly killing their husbands was much more common.
Thank you have having the courage and compassion for the victims and posting this video.
Nurses hear and see a lot. Their strength is astounding.
I worked in a nursing home where we had a delightful man, "Joe". He had 3 daughters who never visited or came for meetings about his care. After about 6 months we finally got one daughter on a conference call. She said he had physically, emotionally, and s3xually abused her and her sisters all their lives. If he needed anything, call her, leave a message, and the money would be sent. Otherwise, she didn't want to be contacted.
There was a long silence in the room after the call ended. None of us ever told the rest of the staff, but we never forgot it. I now use this as a teaching experience when my staff talk about how terrible it is that some people don't have visitors. I also have so much respect for that woman to care for her parent when he was such a rotten human.
I remember when I never got to meet my grandfather on my dad's side. When I finally turned 22,my dad pulled me outside to smoke a cigarette. He said,"You want to know why you never got to meet my dad? Why he was in prison? Because he sexually assaulted your aunts when they were younger. When they called me to tell me he died I was at work. I told them good." I was in shock and a lost for words. My dad was protecting me from this man that was my grandfather. I always wondered why I never met him till I was old enough to understand. He never forgave him but the ones my grandfather did. They forgave him and still saw him.
Good on your dad for protecting you! It's one thing as an adult to make the conscious choice to see him, your aunt's probably did it for their own benefit (to feel like the bigger person, not have to carry the hatred, different people cope differently) but putting a child in harms way where a predator has easy access is awful. I'm glad that your father protected you. He's a great father for keeping you away from him and making sure you didn't suffer the same fate. Probably helped him heal that while he wasn't able to protect his sister's being only a child himself, he was able to keep you safe.
@@JAB1979 oh, so you're one of the aunts?
That sounds like on my mom's side, whenever I went to my grandma's house my parents were always next to me, and then I met her real dad twice, when I was 12 years old. Who did the same thing as her step-dad.
@@JAB1979 she didn't assume anything about you. She doesn't even know who you are. Considering you're speaking about a mother you won't see, the story had nothing to do with you. Yet somehow you made it about you and chastised her for giving examples of why someone might still be around their abuser. Wtf
This is how it’s going to be for me and my donor, as well. If I ever have children, my ex stepdad will be their grandpa. Pretty much for the same reason, but it wasn’t to me.
This might be the closest I'll ever get to closure, my family cast me out when I came forward. They all took his side. Thank you.
It happened to me with a horrible, evil relative. I’m sorry that you went through that abuse, and that your family wasn’t supportive. I believe you completely, and I support you. Stay safe and I hope that your life is good going forward.
I'm sorry, and I hope you were able to build a new family of your own. Family doesn't end in blood.
i am so sorry.
I am so very sorry for this happening to you and it's absolutely disgusting that they did that smh
I am so very sorry for this happening to you and it's absolutely disgusting that they did that smh
This is why you never judge people who don't visit family. This happens a LOT more than people would like to believe. I've even had a couple of patients tell me some atrocious things they've done.
Fun fact: Most of the people who do not visit relatives are ACTUALLY have a reason for it
Austin was there and fought for the children on their father's death bed. The fact he said he would not forgive him was a kind gesture for the children.
Yes
💯 ❤
@Forthakine I think that It’s good thing that he’s being torn apart by the guilt, because it shows that he still has some humanity left, it shows that he’s not completely evil and that he recognizes and understands exactly why he’s in the position he is now, and he doesn’t even blame the kids for not showing up, because he knows that he doesn’t deserve forgiveness.
@Forthakine there's a big difference between things like forgetting a crime, pardoning a perp, forgiving them, accepting an apology and acknowledging their remorse and suffering.
As much as we'd often like to think otherwise, humans can kinda keep order, but can't actually deliver karma or real justice, so don't feel obligated to want to.
It was also just honest. Just because someone is dying or scared it doesn't mean you need to lie to them.
I had a daughter come to me once in tears because she and her husband were in disagreement about whether her sick, elderly mother should come live with them. He said no. She said yes. I asked why he said no and she confided that her mother was abusive to her and she was afraid her mother would turn her household upside down. She just felt obligated. I told her what I told similar adult kids. I think you can be responsible by making sure your parent is where they can get the care that they need, but that doesn’t mean that you must put yourself in a position to be abused again. I just watched as all of the guilt and tension left her face and body. It gave her the power to make the right decisions that her mom never did.
That's amazing. As someone who's had to say "no" so many times, I thank you for helping her like that.
I kind of needed to hear this exactly today. Thank you.
Bless you, Julia! 🩷
Yea ok but now the husband is pissed that she listened to you instead of her own husband LOL
@@MeepMeep88Nah, he's just glad his wife came around to his way of thinking. Sometimes we're too close to a situation and it's easiest for a third party to remind us of things like, "You don't have to set yourself on fire to keep your mama warm, especially when you can outsource her heating to professionals who won't get burned."
I’m a csa survivor and I’m really glad this didn’t portray the dying man as the victim. What’s a moment of pleasure for them is a lifetime of pain for us survivors.
How old are you?
@GypsyLil I'm trying to gage what decade people responding concerning this had these issues. If there were a point in time in the last let's say 50-55 years that increased all of this. It was made very clear to me that society and civilization collapsed in the late 1960's (though on a side note 2020 was much worse) and am trying to see if I and anyone else believe that there were certain cultural events (or what ever things might have happened) that brought these things to be. So why are people NOT asking these questions. Don't people care instead of acting like they discovering something surprising every time these things happen?
@@alexkx8599Looking at history: No. Not just no, but hell no. People have always done this sort of thing. There have always been these types of evil people. The difference today, largely, is that because we give a shit about mental health and helping people heal from trauma rather than just telling them to “Deal with it” or pressuring them to forgive their abusers.
This is an improvement. Not a failure. Not a collapse. It’s society realizing what has always been there.
@@alexkx8599if youre after an actual like statistic gathering- you should probably set up some kind of survey! Lets people give information without needing to attach it to accounts and such
You can go way back to find the same stories. Girls who had to leave the village because they had been "dishonoured" for example, it just wasn't called rape, fathers who had "gotten of the line" and so on. Lefthanded people also increased during the 70's - not because there were more left handed people, but because they would get hit when they used teir left hand to write. @@alexkx8599
Forcing a reconciliation is horrible, I was guilted into doing it by a family member and it feels like a unbearable betrayal. As if what they did didn't matter, as if your pain doesn't matter.
I’m so sorry you had to go through that. Your pain does matter and it matters infinitely more than everyone else’s comfort. I’m in the process of separating from my family, I can’t imagine what they’ll do to try to guilt me out of my decision.
I am so sorry you were made to feel that way by people round you. That's a whole extra trauma on top of what already happened in the past.
People who'd do that don't deserve to have access to you!
I was made to feel that way by several family members after going no contact with my mother. I understand the feeling. The other family members completely disregard your pain and humanity and expect you to continue to be abused and ask no questions. I wish you happiness now! 🖤
The friend of your enemy is not your friend.
The holding onto that pain will hurt you infinitely more in the long run. Forgiveness benefits more the victim than what most people understand.
This one was deep... and relevant.
Not all parents deserve their child's love.
if you haven't given it and instead actively harmed them, you are not entitled to love in return
I relate to Austin a lot here. I worked in healthcare for years and nothing ever phased me, I played the missing son for a confused patient, I increased the pitch of my voice to make it sound like a long lost daughter when it helped make things easier for patients when their times came. But it was during Covid when things got bad at the beginning that this experience had happened. I had built up a rapport over the course of a few weeks with this old man, he was hilarious, witty and seemed like a kind hearted soul. So he’d taken a turn after contracting Covid and had quickly reached the end. I’m inside the room with him and a nurse when he had said he was scared and asked us to hold his hand while he goes but before he goes, he needs to get something off his chest. What followed next was captured in this video, the only difference being I just about made it to an open bin before I vomited. Out of all of the things I expected him to say, this wasn’t was one of them.
*fazed
jeez! i would have vomited too!
What decade do you think this abuse happened out of curiosity? I'm trying to gage some things (if even possible) concerning our society.
@@alexkx8599 do you think this is generational? Abuse like this has happened since humans existed and will continue until we die off
@alexkx8599 Honestly, I don't think we'll ever understand what goes on in their minds. It just, IS. 😢 And it remains far more prevelant than we'll ever know. However, it's probably a good thing to try to understand what's going on because, you never know, someone just might find an answer. Maybe. I hope. ♥️♥️♥️♥️
I was raised in foster care since I was 4 years old due to the complete rainbow of abuse. At 18, I asked my mother what she would change if she could go back and do it all over again. She said she wouldn't have changed anything. She's now suffering from dementia, disabilities, and diabetes in her mid 70s and lives in a nursing home. I don't visit. It's hard to forgive someone who doesn't admit their fault. But I do get tired of the people who say, "But she's your mother!" I have no memory of her mothering me, only hurting and demoralizing me. This is just one area of my life where I'll never have perfect peace. I just focus on the blessings I have been given with my husband of 29 years, our 6 kids and 5 grandkids and I thank the Lord that the chain has been broken.
My father told my younger sister the same thing about not changing anything or regretting what he's done in his life. My sister is low contact with him compared to my no contact. Compared to many, we were lucky in that it was not physical, but longterm emotional, verbal, and psychological abuse. My sister sharing that with me helped me put to rest the niggling hope that maybe someday there's a chance of reconciliation, as he was a good dad until my stepmother came along and brought out the most toxic aspects of him permanently. I've been permanently estranged from him for over 2 decades and I'm much better off for it.
@@MelissaBlue Always remember the best parts and try not to revisit the painful parts. Sometimes it hurts too much to stare at the rearview mirror, so keep your focus on the future and make it what you want it to be. We're not alone in this kind of suffering, but we can choose to stop suffering and embrace life on our terms. 🙏🙏🙏
@joanarc7963 I'm still being refined. Definitely a work in progress.
My mom abandoned me after she finally got of an abusive relationship when I was 9. I am 57 and if I had a penny for every person, especially her telling me to let it go, forgive, etc. I would be a millionaire!!! It is not just the scars of being abandoned, it’s the trying to return to your life like nothing happened and trying to make up for lost years as a mom! Even today, she just can’t understand why I don’t talk to her about my daily life things, duh, because maybe when I needed a mother to talk to about life issues she wasn’t there so GOD gave me the answers and guidance to become a self-sufficient human being to live life with a purpose!!!
@@keliejsturg I find it easier to stay ultra low or no contact. I am a whole person when I'm away from her. If I get too close to her or her issues, I feel myself reverting to the shy girl of my youth who begged for morsels of love and validation. I don't have the energy for rebuilding every time she knocks me down and my husband, children, and grandchildren deserve the whole me. They are my present and future. Even though my mother is still alive, she's my past. It's best to leave her there.
My mother was an aged care and palliative care nurse for many years. She's literally had dementia patients murder their roommates, heard confessions of all sorts of crimes, and goodness knows what else. Honestly, I can't fathom the emotional resilience needed to do a job like that. Mad respect.
Sad part is, I have no sympathy. What he did is unforgivable. It's one thing if you feel that way, another if you act on it.
Thank you, I wish people held this sort of attitude about it. No one can change their sexuality, but the act itself is unforgivable. If people were more willing to provide resources and medications to help it would produce a lot more results then crucifixion. Leaving someone backed into a corner like that (even if their thoughts are inhumane) isn’t going to ever end well.
@@leiah6514 I know it's a mental disorder, but that doesn't excuse them if they act on it. Heck, I could care less what a person feels, but if you hurt others, I mean, golden rule. Do no harm. He hurt his kids, so no wonder he was thrown in a nursing home.
I actually find people who do nothing to be very strong willed individuals.
@@leiah6514 I totally agree.
@@leiah6514 pedophila is not a sexuality. It’s a mental disorder
it's not sad, it's reasonable not to have sympathy.
The only one I feel bad for in this scenario is the son receiving that phone call and having to relive the trauma his father put him through.
This was wonderful. I am not visiting or going to watch my mom die because of this. People need to know that when there is physical and S** abuse, you are not obligated to see your parents or watch them die. They destroyed your life. Why do they deserve anything more then ABSOLUTE ABANDONMENT.
Amen.
Exactly. Just because they physically created you doesn't mean they're entitled to abuse you and then reclaim your investment in their life
@@mellie4174 well said👏👏
My father killed himself at 86, saving me any of those decisions. One thing he did right…just decades later than he should have.
I was never told when my dad passed away. And when I finally found out and read the obituary, neither I nor my older brother were mentioned as being part of the family. Only my younger brother was my younger brother was mentioned. He was a horrible father who was extremely selfish and very abusive. Now I'm waiting for my mother to die. She is also extremely selfish and was horribly abusive. We haven't spoken for a long time. And I will never forgive either of them. In fact for a long time after my father died he kept showing up in my dreams and I would keep saying to him, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be dead. You're not supposed to be alive and in my dreams. So now when I dream about him he's different and it's not the same. Some parents just weren't meant to have children. But I don't know the whole story. My mom was raised different because of the time of when she grew up. And before I was born I don't know what happened between her and my dad. I know that he was abusive to her and I don't know if that extended to sexual abuse. So that would explain a lot of the way that I was treated but I can't assume any of that. And she still doesn't deserve my forgiveness. The only family member that I truly miss is my grandmother on my moms side. She was very loving and caring and very generous with hugs. I will miss her forever.
Children naturally love their parents. Whenever I hear about an elderly person, whose children won’t ever see them, I always suspect that something has happened many many times in the household. And people just think that the kids are selfish.
My mom worked with hospice patients for years then in a nursing home and then with Alzheimer's patients... She did say that some of the things the dying patients confessed were horrendous (one woman confessed to hiding two pregnancies and having the babies in the bathroom and then drowning them and burying them in the garden because she already had four kids and being Catholic her husband didn't believe in contraception of any kind, I can't imagine how that was possible, even if it was the fifties) but what really got to her was the Alzheimer's patients because some would revert back to their younger selves and that included racism, sexism and the worst were the ones who had raped women and touched children and beat their families and believed they're back in that time... That's why the Alzheimer's unit is locked... One man relived killing his parents over and over... He went from prison at 22 to a halfway house at 68 to the Alzheimer's unit at 70... I used to worry cause she'd come home with scratches and black eyes... You'd be surprised how strong those patients can be... I swear my momma has the patience of Job
That is so odd, she could’ve left them at a doorstep or something if she already went through a pregnancy and birth...
That one where mom killed 2 babies is just pure evil to me hope she rots in hell for that
I'm glad there is strong medication for violent patients nowadays. Imagine killing two babies. What a sick freak. She premeditated for 9 months on both of them. I honestly wish I hadn't read this comment. May that woman tire in fire.
@@dylangarcia3898 omg, do people not know you can anonymously leave babies at fire stations? How horrid do you have to be to kill a child that could easily be loved by someone?
@@ljeans531 this wasn't a single mom who didn't have resources to live on ,this was a married mother of 4 who had people she could rely and yet she choose to take this evil action against her own flesh and blood
The only reason I was able to forgive my own father for the years of sexual abuse was because, after many years of being alienated from the family (my mom divorced him as soon as she found out), he found me and apologized repeatedly and very sincerely, and said he would completely understand if I never forgave him. I wasn't able to do that, not ever, but I was able to accept and understand that he, completely on his own and with no help of therapy or friends, had been a terrible father and husband. And he was truly, completely and unequivocally sorry. He did so much to help me and my husband, mostly with money (which was his "love language") but also with gifts that were timely, appropriate, useful and greatly appreciated. By the end of his life I was in control of his estate and I managed his dying and death care to the best of my ability. My mom and sister were never able to accept any of this and I completely supported them and never tried to change their minds. Accepting his apologies was tough but so incredibly healing for the us. It brought closure that I would never otherwise have had and I'm grateful for this.
Bravo. Forgiveness isn't about forgetting or suddenly thinking what happened is grand, it is what you described accepting a sincere apology, and negotiate an acceptable interaction as you the hurt party desires with boundaries. Sadly many abusers can't make apologies.
@@joywebster2678 Absolutely right. Thank you for commenting!
I really appreciate this comment. We don't forgive others for their sake. We forgive them for our own sake... and that doesn't necessarily mean letting them back into our lives. I also think it makes a huge difference if they've actually repented of the offense (acknowledged that they were wrong and apologized). You did a hard thing. I also don't blame people who can't, but I think they need to realize that working through their resentment is for their own benefit, not just a favor that they're doing their abuser.
Well done ... you accepted a sincere apology for unforgivable acts. Not everyone can, but some can and when it happens it's a good thing. Healing and closure are often the outcome of this. What's also so important is that you didn't force your acceptance on the rest of the family and allowed them to come to terms with this in whatever way they felt they should/could do.
Thank you all for the replies. I really appreciate you taking the time to comment. It was not an easy thing to work through, and it affects me even today, but overall I've ended up being a much better person because of all the work I've done. Thanks again!
I worked in a nursing home, and I was shocked by some of the things the residents told me about their lives when they were younger. This one sweet lady told me about the abuse her husband inflicted on her. Her son found her badly beaten and tied to her bed naked when he was just a child.
Another lady, everyone thought she was a mean old bitch. She didn't take anyone's shit, that much I can verify... But the other residents were afraid of her, and even the staff would avoid having to work with her. For some reason she loved me. I was the only one she was nice to. She told me about how she taught her best friend how to drive, and her best friend ended up running off with her husband.
When you work with the elderly, sometimes it's easy to forget that they were once young too, and that they're not all innocent. They're regular people, and some are bad people. I miss working in healthcare.
Great video! I have been a nurse for 30 years, almost all of it in longterm care facilities. I've had a few patients that didn't have family members come and visit them. In the beginning of my career I didn't understand how children couldn't visit their parents but, shortly after becoming a nurse I came to the realization that the "person" that I saw as my patient wasn't always the same person that their kids saw growing up. They only became that person after they got sick and needed someone else to take care of them. I discovered that the smiling, "happy go lucky" patient in front of me had barely had time for their kids as they were growing up or had abused their kids in one way or another and that was the reason their kids didn't come to see them. Their kids had distanced themselves from them for their own mental health. Therefore, I no longer judge the children for their actions, I don't know what they grew up with. It's not on us to judge anyone but if I was the daughter of a man who did something like what this patient has confessed to, I don't think I would forgive him either. I definitely agree with Austin on this one.
As a victim of all sorts of abuse including this one, forgiveness only comes when the victim has dealt with the abuse. Forgiveness is a process. I forgave my dad but it took me about ten years after I sought help for the psychological issues the abuse caused. Some people never reach that point. Bless you for not judging the family members
So so true. It's just one of those lessons you have to learn about people. You often don't know who these people were 10, 20 years ago.
And there are some parents who are not abusive in any way and the kids just don't visit because they do not care my mom has seen both sides
SPOT ON!!! This should be part of every hospital and nursing home employee orientation!!! Retired nursing home nurse here, and the stories I could tell would chill your bones. I tried to educate my staff when these times came. You never know what happened before that patient came thru your doors. Thank you so much for a brilliant video.
It's shocking this ISN'T part of education for nurses!!! It always amazes me how people are amazed by this. What, did you think you can tell by looking at them? When you grow up knowing they exist it doesn't phase you and people know statistics, but somehow always expect that people they encounter won't be the monsters. This absolutely should be mandatory teaching for all nurses, not just those who work with elderly.
This is one reason it's important to try and be understanding when people are estranged from family members. It's our natural inclination to remain connected to our families so for most people there is a reason why they would choose to detach. It's not always just some ungrateful spoiled child/grandchild issue.
Ikr? People are so judgemental about estrangement because they assume that every parent is kind and loving. It used to make me crazy; everybody blamed me when they found out that I didn't speak to my mother. I stopped even trying to explain because nobody wanted to hear my side of it. I thought it spoke volumes that the only non-family members at the funeral were three people; a friend she gave wads of money to, and employees. Even most of the family didn't show up.
@@edennis8578 sometimes when people say things like "You only have one mother/father...." or similar and keep on pressing the best reply back can be something like "Yes I know and how sad that mine had to treat me the way they did". People who were blessed with no ligit trama at the hands of family or the people meant to care and protect them truly cannot understand how blessed they are.
To be honest, I think it's very rare that a child is too spoiled to show up for their parent's death. In fact, I think the most spoiled ones will be there just to make sure they get whatever inheritance they feel is coming to them. If a child refuses to come, there is usually a justifiable reason.
Tbh, I am jealous of people who think that way. What a wonderful,easy life, to grow up in comfort and security, knowing you are loved by the people who are supposed to love you and protect you. What a gift. They are really the spoiled ones, huh? They don't appreciate what they have, or that other people don't have it. They can't conceive their parents being an object of fear and pain. So spoiled and ungrateful...
Idk. I'm always getting stories in the Google feed about ppl ghosting their families because Suzie's 4yr college was completely paid for, but sam has to go-to community college on her own dime(or her folks') because Bobby ended up needing special care due to being paralyzed in a car accident or something. There's kind of an online push for vulnerable youth to go "no contact" with family and/or friends and then the whole entitlement, where so many ppl feel owed and unappreciative, I think alot of those ppl are missing out on positive aspects of social connections - signed- a hermit. That being said, there are some really solid reasons to bounce, like lack of safety and security and risks of physical violence &/or death
There are so many people in these comments who have been hurt. Its heartbreaking, and I'm sorry for what they went through. No child deserves that.
Oh I knew it was going to be bad but damn, it's shame stuff like this isn't made into movies or TV programs. The survivors need to know it's okay not to forgive someone.
Sometimes you have to forgive even the most damaging people so you can move on and remain human. Forgiveness does not have to mean that you continue to see them and allow them to be part of your life.
Some shows like law&order SVU depict stories like this sometimes.
@@theredhun maybe creating a different life and never having to see the person that hurt you again is enough. I don’t believe you need to forgive someone that hurts a child like this. There is absolutely no obligation to accept an apology for abuse or even the opportunity to hear it.
@@kirataylor4981 Forgiveness has nothing to do with listening to or accepting an apology from the abuser. It is a conscious decision of the victim to move forward from the pain, anger, and suffering caused by the abuser, so the abuser doesn't continue to poison, or destroy, your life forever. It is hard work to recover from the trauma but 120% worth it.
@@kirataylor4981 I think that's a type of forgiveness. Forgiveness is not holding a grudge or nursing active anger towards someone, it's not having them be in your life. There's family I cut off and WILL NOT contact again, but when I struggle with feeling angry, I let it go and wish them well. And then I move on. And it gets easier to move on and not let those memories control my life every time I do it.
my grandfather was a sociopath. He caused pain and misery everywhere he went, and he loved it! When he was dying he didn't ask for forgiveness, he caused more pain and laughed about it. We were there for him out of respect for family, and I think we were all hoping maybe he would at the last min. tell us he was sorry. He didn't. Burn in hell. I mean RIP....
No no, he can burn
🔥🔥🔥🤭
Bih
A distant family member had had a near-death experience and recovered, so i decided to give the old perv another chance - wrong decision i tell you! He even used his near-death experience to string into vile pervy stories he would always tell and my parent did just laugh uncomfortably, instead of having us leave once he spoke his discusting piece.
So when he then finally did die, i refused to mourn him and when told not to speak ill of the dead i replied "well i have told him to his face, so i am not going to start being quiet about it now".
People suck
nah its ok he dont needa be resting in peace 🥰
I'm the activities director at a hospital and spend a lot of time with people with local family who don't visit even when the person is dying. A lot of times the patient isn't surprised and some are even honest about having burned those bridges long ago. Sometimes it does seem that the family just can't be bothered, but there is usually way more to it than that. Even when the patients are absolute angels, you never know if they are on their best behavior or learned from the bridges they burned years ago and have changed their ways. We almost always know a different version of them than what their family knows, whether that be better or worse version. We have a patient whose sister wouldn't take over guardianship, we were kind of appalled and then found out that when the patient was 7 she tried to murder her sister with a knife and understandably the relationship deteriorated from there. You really never know and it's so dangerous to fall into the tempting trap of judging because you think you understand a family's dynamics when you really have no idea. Just because your patient is lovely to you doesn't mean they have always been that way to their family. And sometimes the family themselves is just not equipped to see their loved one in the hospital. Being hospital workers we forget how truly scary it can be to see someone you love in a strange place looking sick and some people can't handle it. We have also had family members who can't visit due to their own medical issues or not being able to find substitute care for family members they care for that can't come with them. You never know, there are a lot of good reasons family members may not visit.
I agree with all those things you said except for the part of not being able to handle seeing their loved ones sick. People need to learn to handle that. It's so insensitive to leave your loved ones at the hospital just because you can't handle seeing them sick
Agreed. That person lying in the hospital bed is facing death. The end. Judgement if they believe it, nihilism if they don't, and they're reflecting on all the things they've done. What you're seeing is someone looking at the tally, and maybe going, 'I can't add anything more.' I struggle with my mother. She was neglectful while I was a child, (though I didn't realize this til I was much, much older,) abandoned us when I was 10, and showed back up in my life at 18 and wanted to continue like nothing happened. I have no memories of her caring for me. It's so hard to explain... she stopped being my mother a long time ago. Now she's a woman I am related to and very different from, that I feel faint responsibility for, since she's never been reliable or stable in anyway. I let her live with me for nearly two years, fed and clothed, got her clean off drugs and into a job. I don't know what I'd do if she was dying.
@@Firsona beautiful of you to be able to do this for her in spite of her lack of care.
I think it also helps if she's not actively toxic and out to destroy you, vs. you having established yourself as a person, healed to since degrees and is able to function relatively well in society.
I imagine this topic might trigger some thoughts on how to further heal this wound of yours. Drugs can really change the way a person behaves, so if she's finally gotten off drugs, good for the both of you, and in time perhaps you'll both be ready to address the deeper stuff before she's gone for good...
@@souldancersbyjennifer It's..scar tissue. I can't say it didn't hurt, can't say it hasn't changed how I see some things, how I trust. But it's healed. I can't graft her back in because there's no longer need. Our core values are different, as well as surface values and interests.
I keep silent because I know it would hurt her to know I don't see her as my mother.
I suspect you are the beautiful soul in this case, to see it that way. =)
@@Firsona caring for a parent who's not been the parent they needed to be when you were a child is a high calling. 🙏🏻
May you have peace throughout...
My mom used to force me and my sister to go visit her “old boss” in a nursing home because she felt bad for him that none of his family would visit. That man was creepy and I’m pretty sure my mom was just visiting to get money/gifts and to portray herself as “holier than thou”. My sister and I hated it. I remember being forced to sit on his lap as a very small child because he’s such a nice man blah blah blah and anyways he molested me. Bingo, that’s why his family ghosted the old creep. Never put your children in weird situations just to make yourself feel like you’re doing a good deed. Don’t force your children to hug or sit with anyone. Not everyone is a good person.
It makes me wonder what was in it for your mother. I don't believe that it was just to feel self-righteous. There was something more going on.
🤬‼️‼️
😮 that’s awful! 🫂
Actually ALL women/females are good and ALL men/male are bad. Plain and simple, fact and truth.
I came from an abusive childhood, and after my father out a gun to my head in the shower and threatened to kill me I never looked back. My mother was his next of kin even though the were divorced due to the abuse we all went through, so when he went into kidney failure she agreed to drive 2 states away to pick him up and care for him. I went with her, he died getting dialysis the day we were driving there. When the doctors said sorry for your loss. I laughed. His death wasn't a loss just was upset it took him so long to die. Never looked back.
I told my father hours before he died that I'd never forgive him, and that I was glad he'd soon be rotting in hell for all the awful things he did. He couldn't speak, but I knew he heard every word I said... I could see it in his eyes. I do not regret telling him that. It was the first step in reclaiming my life from that monster.
Good on you!
I am proud you got to speak your truth!
And I hope that You find solace, healing and happiness. You deserve it. And never let people attempt to make You feel guilty because You did nothing wrong - and if they do try, they clearly don't deserve having You in their lives.
Good on ya! Hugs! Hope you’re having a nice life now xxx
glad you spoke the truth to him. you need the peace of mind more than he ever did, proud of you friend ❤
You are the devil