Same! I’m 26 now and I already feel so old, like I’ve wasted my most valuable years and now I got no energy left. Also I feel like I could have developed my character way more, poured more effort into myself instead just being a blank sheet of paper with no real life goals and nothing interesting about me at all. It feels like other people are so far ahead of me because they’ve used their time better, in a more resourceful way.. if I could back in time I would. I guess I’ll just use the time that’s left and make the best of it. ✌🏻
@ It’s the curse of being who you are now and looking back with that new mind, values and ability. The person I am now wants to go back and do more, do it better etc.
My freshman year in college was great. I was depressed during that time, but it was still so much better than high school and earlier (as well as my 20s and 30s).
I enjoy your videos because there is only talking. No intro and outro music and no annoying sound effects like the "subscribe bell". Thank you for everything 🙏
I so wish I lived within driving distance of you because I would want you to be my therapist. I really enjoy and appreciate your openness about yourself. It puts you and us on the same playing field. I can appreciate you aren't throwing a text book at us. You are the most genuine psychologist I've ever met or seen online. Thank you ❤ You've helped me so much and you didn't even know it!! I'm in VA. I believe you're in Utah. God Bless you and your family. May he wrap a shield of protection around all of you. ❤️🩹🙏🏻 Happy New Year 🎊🕛
I believe it somehow relates to the state of mind when those events happened. I cannot feel nostalgia from the last 10 or so years of my life, not because I haven’t had any memorable good moments, but for I wasn’t able to FEEL the joy when I experienced them. I long for those good moments of the past not because they were good, but because they FELT so good. I remember reading books, music, chasing girls, concerts, dreams of the future….but what I miss is the JOY I felt, the drive, the anticipation, the surprise, the new…I don’t feel those emotions anymore. Maybe it’s just age…
I have the advantage of having kept a diary at the time. When I look back and compare and think that it felt better - I check the diary and see that I was struggling then. It wasn’t better. Now is better as I have learnt more on how to cope.
For many people, likely you are right. For many. For me, I hate childhood. I hated being a child. It was awful. Oh sure, some good things. Some help. I lived. Although I truly believe that my brother was as much murdered by untreated awful child abuse as if the old man had held the gun and pulled the trigger. NOW, in my 70s and with 5 decades of therapy, I can only say NOW is the best part of my life. Wouldn't go back a day. It's taken my whole life, to get this far. I'll be 75 soon. Glad--NOW--to be here. Now.
Good for you! Glad to hear you have prevailed and are enjoying your life. And I agree w/your childhood assessments: there are absolute-unqualified people who become parents and then inhabit the bad-parenting spectrum from disinterest to abuse, creating lifelong difficulties for their offspring. But everything is impermanent including suffering.
@@jeankipper6954 I can't take credit for that insight: took years of practice/study of the practical philosophies (no metaphysical mumbo-jumbo) of Buddhism and Stoicism. There are many teachers who came before us and generously recorded their studies/insights, much as Dr. Eilers does on his channel.
This is one of the BIGGEST struggles I have as I feel like my affinity for nostalgia has turned toxic. I decided that this year, I want to shift from toxic nostalgia to progressive reflection. In other words, I want to remain grateful for the good parts of my past while also moving forward in my life. Coming to this realization has led me to not return to any environment that reminds me about my past. My brain is stuck in the past, and I am trying to move on because I need to accept life as it is in the moment. I'm also considering therapy to help me move forward as well because the past has such a lock on my brain. Thanks, as always, for your messages!
With me is the opposite. Most memories from my past are very bad. It makes all my wounds, traumas and losses to come back in vivid colors. Very painful.
That's something actually that I really just tackled heavily. I've been working on myself like 30 years. I've been in an abusive relationships just even my childhood just so much trauma that he didn't even know was there f****** me up. So yeah reminiscing isn't really it for me. I mean don't get me wrong. I have good memories but in therapy when I was talking to the therapist and was crying and I said I don't want to feel this anymore and she said why do you have to? And it all just opened up. It was like somebody finally gave me permission to hand back my trauma to the people caused it so I could be at peace. I'm telling you that's the most worthwhile thing that I've ever done and so I don't know you and I don't know what you dealt with and I really can't say that it will work for you that I'm going to tell you what my therapist told me You don't have to. And something that I do when I start ruminating is I tell myself okay. Yep that happened and I imagine that there's a giant space between me and it and I say you can go in there and maybe I'll deal with you later. Or maybe I won't but I'm going to put you there for now. And most of the time I preoccupy myself and I don't think about it again. And it's very difficult because I'm in an abusive relationship currently with someone who is pretty much a narcissist. I mean it's really really hard but the more space I create around me easier. It is for me not to freak out. I'm telling you it's a blessing. And I really hope that you can do the same. It isn't going to happen right away. It's not instantaneous, but if you can't get just a little tiny bit of respite from doing that, even if it's just 5 minutes, even if it's just 2 minutes. If you just keep doing that it's like a muscle. I'm sorry and rambled on. I'm not telling you what to do. I'm just sharing what helped me and I hope it helped you cause it really sucks to be stuck and trapped and to feel like you're paying the price because somebody else mistreated you and that's insane like the shame change sides give it back to them
But there is a huge difference when you struggle mentally and when you are not , it is normal to wish for going back to your old peaceful happy person !
I also believe there is a four reason Which is that past is safe, because you already know what happened There is no ambiguity there is no doubts Which means there is no anxiety or depression when you think about your past but when you are in the present you have to think about the future And nothing is certain And biologically humans hate uncertainties
I'm with you on this one, most of the times nostalgia is more harmful than relevant because wanting something to be like was in the past it's impossible
I was way more active and had more friends and whatnot but at the same time, I had so many bad habits and I was reckless all while living with my toxic family. Things aren't as exciting as they used to be at all, but I've been focused on improving myself and my mental health and trying to create new patterns. I also put a space between me and my family and don't live with them anymore. Things seemed better in the past, but they really weren't.
In my teens, I suffered from horrible constipation. In my twenties, I began suffering from depression. I had no idea what was wrong with me. I couldn't identify that my family didn't care. I thought there was something wrong with me. All I knew was I was fine when I went away for a week or weekend. But when I returned home, I got sick again. Where would I go to get away from what I was experiencing? I discovered why I was always so ill so late in my life. I wish I had known at the age of 50 what I know now. I just turned 68 last month. Maladaptive behavior can take a lifetime to change. There are so many moving parts.
As I'm listening to this podcast and taking notes, I had to chuckle because I sort of opened up Disney plus and pulled up the old Robin Hood Disney cartoon that I would watch on the ol VHS while playing with my toys... of course, as you said, the small stressors like parents arguing in the other room aren't really recalled when I normally think of "fond memories" like these. Awesome podcast, thanks !
Broke up from a toxic (to me) relationship almost 2 years ago. I never mourned or regret my decision. But lately I've been feeling like I miss her and the time I spend with her. This litte 12 minutes felt so good to me that I can't explain it. Thank you so much Doc.
That's something I've never had a problem with because my life was so miserable when I was young that it got so much better when I got older. Even when I struggled it was nothing like it was because I was able to become empowered actually because of people like you who share their knowledge for free on line where everybody has access to it. So for that I thank you. Because of people like you people like me have better lives❤
My mom said once a good thing about past times and people always complaining that it used to be better. She said that it wasn’t better, it was the same, maybe some things were different but basically it was the same. Past times aren’t better, they are just past times and people living and surviving in them just like we are doing now.
My youngest of 3 turns 17 soon and I can tell you from talking with my kids about their childhoods, the vast majority of the stuff I worried that I messed up or that wasn’t as good for them as it was when I was a kid, etc…. They don’t remember that stuff at all or very differently than I do. I’ve apologized over stuff that they didnt even remember as a negative experience. It was my own anxiety projecting itself onto their experience, I think. I hope that helps. I’m really struggling with the transition of them growing up and leaving home. I needed this reminder that the “best” parts aren’t in the past - unless I keep living there in my head.
I've just turned 60 me and my friends all fall into this. Part of it is at this age your body starts showing its age everything hurts. You start having chronic conditions so what you can eat and drink is dictated by that. Your tired all the time. It's hard not to look back to a time. When your health was not one of your problems. Aging, declining health and mortality. Gee I wonder why I'm longing for health, youth and life. You do have Bladerunner in the back there so excuse me if like Batty I want more life. I'll wolf howl if I like.
I think realistically as you age or health declines you would have nostalgia for the past and better health etc. I think that the point here is that nothing was as perfect as it seems, there are many benefits of being older not dealing with work, hopefully some financial security, less worried about other people opinions, more secure in yourself, perhaps grandchildren. Generic observations but you get my point hopefully.
This has been the biggest challenge for me the last seven years since my divorce. And it’s normal! Thank you so so much for talking about these topics and changing lives. You are a healer.
This video came on the perfect day for me, I just had revelations about repressing my present and reveling too much on the past. You're absolutely right about the distortion of memories. It's always best to live in the moment no matter how appealing the past was. I had this problem for 13 years since 2012 but I'm truly waking up to this problem and fixing it!
I found nostalgia would kick in when I was feeling depressed. Took me awhile to make that association. My sister's been having anxiety and sadness recently.. The other day she mentioned that out of the blue shes been feeling nostalgic .. bingo.. We discussed my similar symptoms during my times Of depression . I recommended she talk to someone
Today, your thoughts really spoke to me. I have been in a rut, continually reminiscing about my childhood and good times in my early twenties. I definitely understand and see that by doing this, I’m not giving my “all” to the present, making these years as memorable as they should be. Thank you for today’s theme. Definitely, you were speaking to me. Did I say I’m 73? Partly, I think being “early old” has something to do with my wanting to go back to my youth and young adulthood when I was freely living my life at that time -my choices- not my parents-daily little choices, not the big ones. I was in grad school then. I was me! I need to think about me today and how I can again make the choices to “feel” free! 😳🙂🤩
The Dr. Scott Eilers youtube feature of Why Your past Always Seems Better Than Your Present is both honest and insightful especially with rich and relateable examples from the author's own life. Additionally,the portion with what the youtube author discusses after the 11 minute mark especially channels the theme of the youtube author's message relating to encouraging oneself of forging more empowered memories of the present and future independent of how it compares with the past.
I feel like this now about how at 32 I've owned 3 separate homes. I made a few decisions to relocate and some less than ideal financial decisions has now lead me to being back to renting and for 2 years now I've had some bad rental experiences. The next time I own a home, I will cherish it more than ever.
I think about this often. I romanticize my childhood as if it was the best time of my life. But was it? Was high school amazing like in movies? Was I riding a constant high of style and popularity? Did we break into song in the hallway between classes? I compare my SOCIAL LIFE now, sure, because it's infinitely harder for adults to make friends. And yeah, it was fun. But perfect? No. I just miss having feelings. And midnight bowling.
No matter how wretched periods of our lives are, we always had brief periods where we experienced joy. It is those memories I pull up when I am melancholy and try to recreate. It masks some other need (for me, usually a spiritual one) that I am ignoring. Life is damn good now. I suppose if I lived to 150, I would look back to now in melancholy. Great video!
Every generation thinks that the good old days are gone! I was a child in the 80s and I definitely feel this way. We were able to live in the moment because we didn't have technology that we were glued to and had to physically and mentally interact with human beings. My son is almost 25 but 20 years from now he will feel like the good old days are behind him I'm sure!! Happy New Year!🎉
What about being stuck in grieving the past? When you suffer so much loss you feel like the only person on a island and all you have left are the clothes on your back, literally, and memories.
I feel the opposite. There are a few good moments but mostly I paint my past in sadness and shame. Even the good and wonderful moments, which I cognitively know were plenty, are turned into a "I need drugs that help me forget". But I did not find an antonym for the word nostalgia. I read that it is common for depressed people (as I) to not romanticise the past.
I really appreciate the fact that you really try to help us who are depressed and anxious with concrete advice. Unfortunately, what you try to "teach"to make us feel more comfortable is not always true: I was quite happy when my late husband was still alive. (We managed to be together from the summer of 1999 to the end of March 2020, which is more than 20 years.) And I have to say, I wouldn't mind if my heart stopped beating tonight. These almost 5 years since he died of blood cancer have held a lot of emotional pain inside and felt quite insignificant, I would say.😞 (He was my sunshine indeed.💔.)
Back in high school ( 79-82) Owned a 1970 Plymouth GTX. In my junior year it was hit and totaled while parked on the street late one night in front of the house. Now, sometimes I get the urge to want to buy another one. But I think it’s for nostalgic reasons and even though I could easily pay cash for one, I don’t think it would be a good decision. I feel like I would be “chasing the past” and I am not the same person I was back then. But here’s the real problem. That was the first car that I ever owned and I worked and paid for it. It was my pride and joy and I literally loved that car. Something that night died in my soul after that car was totaled and I’ve never been able to get over it. That was going to be a car that some day I would restore it to new. That dream died that night it was destroyed by some a-hole who claimed he fell asleep while driving by. To this day, I am extremely angry about it.
Wow.. It is crazy you posted this right now. I have been really struggling with exactly this. I needed to hear all of this. I have had severe anxiety being nostalgic about the way things once were. All of a sudden it hit me out of nowhere. Partially probably to do with the holidays and this month is my mom's 10-year anniversary of passing. Now this was a terrible time in my life in many ways.. I've just found myself recently longing to be back there despite knowing I do not actually want to be there. I have been so confused as to why. Thank you so much for this video. ❤️❤️
I want to go back to when my beautiful Father was still alive. I will always feel this way, my Dad was such a light in the darkness. I love You with all my soul Dad. PS This in stark contrast to the story of Tony's Father in the Sopranos 😏.
In the film Sunset Blvd. Norma ignores the love next to her (her driver and ex husband) to chase past glory the she will never be able to regain. I think this is the danger of focusing on the past. It might have well been better, but it keeps us from seeing where love is today.
It works a little differently for me. I don't look back warmly on the times in my past and think how good it was. I look back in pain and rage at some of the awful things that happened to me because I invited into my life the kinds of people that I did. But those good memories I'll supposedly never have again? I don't have that. There are some good memories here and there, but I don't think that I'll never have them again. And to be honest, most of my good memories have been marred by things I later came to understand about the people with whom I shared those experiences.
What if your present sucks? But your past also sucks. Living in the present is depressing. Thinking about the past is depressing. Life has been hell for me.
In this case it is getting complicated and just buying a wall calendar with cute cat photos from 2016 won´t help at all! Was there never any time that did not suck? For example childhood? It is more easy to get some awesome eighties and nineties wall calendars and authentic vinyls and Stephen King first original issues used on eBay with the same print errors you remember they had when you where reading these books a kid, and other cool hipster-retrostuff. While getting retro-stuff from a few years ago like a 2016 cat calandar or Witcher 3 and Dishonored 2 Steelbook edition on the other hand is literally impossible... Traveling far far back in time is way more easy than a few months or years.
Childhood was infinitely better because we lived in the moment. We didn’t have to worry about bills, careers, politics or even about what we will be doing a month from now. We just existed and took in everything and anything that the world offered us. As adults, we have forgotten about this - life is simple! Social media is to blame as well
I miss the time 13 years ago specifically. I recently learned that my husband of 12 years has been lying to me for the whole time. I wish I would’ve never chosen to be in a relationship with him. Starting over is hard
It is tough when your life SUCKS and only full of despair due to recent lingering health complications. Very active athletic guy just turned 60 and I am dealing with a debilitating digestive disease with autoimmunity complications that came out of nowhere after second Covid. Both bouts with it seemed very mild with minimal immediate issues, but then things went bad quickly almost to the month a year ago. It has been a full year of hell and this life situation has triggered false past ideation thinking I never did before -> always been a "better new day/in the present" kind of thinker. This hopeless full of despair BS is brutal and terrifying!!
Interesting because I have CPTSD and nearly no memories that are good, fun or pleasant. I remember objects, but don't have positive memories attached to most objects. My positive memories began at 18 when I left for the army. I don't miss people or the abuse or dysfunction. Except nature. And stars. My past is what I've been fighting to recover from.
Damn right! When you really think about it you realise we have way better things now. We are more stressed now but if we can be not stressed and depressed then we can create new memories. I have good memories from just 1 year ago even though it wasn't perfect. No such thing as perfect. You remember the good times because the bad times are uncomfortable and we wanted to forget them.
You are right, currently not feeling all these small but unbearable every-day stressors from the past, like not having the next store in 30 minutes of walking distance but no car anymore, and having a room temperature of +8° degrees centigrade for five months every year followed by having +30° room temperature the other half of the year has a strong tendency to slip from the memory when thinking back......... which makes the past way more glorious and comfortable (and air-conditioned) that it actually was in reality... ;D That´s why it is so important to write a diary. It is awesome to have a few authentic memories from the past without glorifying it too much.
Thank you so much for this particular video. This is something that I've been finding myself struggling with more and more frequently over the last few years but I had a really hard time finding the right words to describe or explain it in a way that would make sense to anyone. Now that I've seen this I feel like I've gained enough understanding of the matter that now I'm wondering if perhaps it wasn't lack of understanding itself keeping me from describing it the whole time. And if so, maybe it will also help me start to get a handle on it finally. Thank you! I'm so glad you decided to post this one today. I couldn't be more grateful!
Great explanations for the editing & distortion of reminiscing. Really savoring >now< & looking for NEW experiences that will become my new "treasured memories" of a different time in my life 💗🙂
Six years off the needle, (heroin), and I miss it like an old friend. I remember the sickness, the dark times, and the pain, but I would give almost anything to feel that numb again.
Omg you've just put into words what im doing! Ive had crippling anxiety & depression since my Mum died 2 years ago. To be honest I don't feel like me any more. Thank you for articulating this so well ❤
Omg! My 76 yr old brother lives so in the past…it wasn’t that great but he thinks it was. He came to visit and went to our childhood neighborhood 4 times(!) to walk around the neighborhood. He stopped in shops and I’m sure drove them crazy reminiscing about the olden days. No one wants to hear about your memories. He’s divorced for 25 yrs now and reminisces about how wonderful his marriage was…wtf?? They hated each other. Then came back to my home and wanted to talk abt it ALL the time! I think he’s not mentally well.
This is amazing! It is so helpful to me because now I can purposefully apply logic to this o break my habit of romanticizing my past. It’s true that comparison is the thief of joy. Thank you for this!
Thank you! Definitely needed to hear this. My best buddy has been trying to help me better myself. You've both been a tremendous help. 'Preciate ya both! 😄💙
I can't agree. In my childhood I had friends, low responsibilities, an education/career path that seemed to be working. I don't have any of that now. My past was objectively better than the present.
The other day I went out for a coffee with a friend from high school I haven't seen in years and remembering the 'good old times' about this guy I was dating .... it was this awful cloudy freezing cold winter day the streets empty desolating depressing and I was waiting for him in front of the church where it was our meeting place, alone and freezing thinking it was worth it cause of the magic I tell her I would never do that for a guy ever again we're laughing... And she says well yeah cause as you grow up you change, now you want the guy who gives you comfort security a cosy warm house, a good meal.....there's no more magic And I was reflecting on that and realized she was right, that fading magic of reality is like falling out of love You change you can never go back cause there's nothing left there, but a memory If you have trauma though or some depression mental health issues you will tend to idealize the past and keep going back i imagine that's how trauma bond works for people who never heal I had this guy stalking me for years even after marrying and I could see how limerent and delusional he was he couldn't even see me for who I was It's really sad Trauma keeps you stuck in life
Thanks for this Dr Scott. This is exactly how I see my teenage years. I remember the pride when I did well academically and the nights out with friends, but I only remember the incredible stress I, the shame about my parents house (which was in a very expensive area) or the loneliness i felt 90% of the time in my nightmares. I dont feel any of those nowadays. My life isn't better all the time, but it's different.
Excellent Video. Is it safe to say that those past memorable experiences happened because we are fully present during those past experiences? Also, it's pretty cool to notice that when we are determined to accomplish something, we will block out things (like cold weather) to achieve a goal. We, essentially, endure through perseverance
So THAT is why anybody that dies suddenly had a "smile that lit up the room," even if they were actually a curmudgeon. And there are a few times in my life where I remember thinking "these are the good times," but that didn't make it any easier to prolong them.
I cherish my past as a mad person, one may say I'm stalking it☺ I've always done so, and it isn't because it was better. Oftentimes the opposite. I'm melancholic like my mind is always in Autumn, looking back - with love - but resentful of the loss. I guess it has to do with an introvert nature, digesting everything slowly, not being good at being very present, which makes my past standing out vividly, making up for the present.
As an antique dealer for almost 30 years I can tell you that people find great pleasure in reliving the past. I believe there is an evolutionary adaptation to the rose colored glasses we experience when thinking of fond times. It usually points to a resource we are thirsty for right now. I think it’s wise not to let the good old days depress you, but it’s also wise to use those memories to cheer yourself up when the present and the future feel bleak. Philip Lombardo has two books about how we view time and how our unique time perspective can aid in mental health issues. His book on this subject revolutionized my thinking on time and I recommend them.
The only video I really can’t relate to. I remember in detail how painful and awful my childhood was the most. And I need to remember the good things because there wasn’t many good things I remember sadly. I know I have it good and better now then. I can’t really remember how I was when I was a toddler but that’s when I would get locked in my room crying for ages and trying to run away so much from my parents. Actually what I remember most and probably do this a lot now which does pull me out of the present was maladaptive daydreaming. You described it perfectly at the ending of dissociating from the present and reminiscing and daydreaming of something that makes you feel warm and great. I do that a ton. Just not of my childhood. Mostly the stories. Characters and daydreams I had that were so much more memorable and amazing than my life as a child. I tried to attempt ending it all when I had just turned ten years old and hit puberty. I had my memories of daydreaming to keep me going. I do reminisce often of the imagined characters I loved in the past and I’m still clinging hard to that so I do relate in a sense. Just not with a physical type of good feelings but the amazing daydreams I had as a child that took me out of the present back than when I was crying and feeling terrible. Feeling like life had no meaning and was pointless that I had life back then. I had to get therapy because I’d smile at my teacher and tell them how much I hated who I was and that I hope I’m not alive to see the next day. It was so traumatic as a child that my best friends were imagined! And I still have those imagined friends and characters today. It’s like I do attach myself to certain characters. (This one video game character that’s helped me since I was 9) He’s been in my life and I do hit nostalgic feelings that are comforting and warm whenever I daydream and imagine myself with him. And my Maladaptive daydreaming has somewhat ruined me in doing tasks and being quick about things and reading books. I’m lost in my own story because childhood taught me this was the way to escape a terrible torment within my own mind. ❤
It's not just that we miss what we had in the past, we also miss our ability to cherish those things like we did in the past. When we look critically at the past and see that it wasn't that great like our brain makes it out to be, that's our present self making that judgement. Would our past self see it the same way?
I usually agree with you. But for many people, death, serious illness, and other things change things, often for the worse. If your parent dies when you are young, you miss them, but also have major changes to your family, finances, social standing. Your dad died. Now your pet is sick, but you can't afford vet care. Your mom needs to work two jobs, but you moved away from extended family so she could find work, so you are home alone most of the time. This is very different from the past, and not in trivial ways. If both of your children spend years with cancer, and then die, your life really was better before they were sick. But we only have one life to live, and we can't change the past, so it makes sense to focus on the present and the future, and enjoying life. But it doesn't help to pretend that many things were not better for you in the past.
My own personal past is spotty; there were some really really bad times and there were times that by every metric were better than where I am today. I have lost a number of loved ones to death and their loss has cast a pall over my existence. The thing with nostalgia is that it is so easy to escape to the past with it and emerge tormented by what you can never have again, at least not in this life. It is like starving and being tormented with the smells and images of things you want so badly yet are impossible to get. It's an impossible to satisfy yearning that can help make your present worse by making you focus on what you can't have and the pain that comes from that while downgrading what you do still have (which itself can be lost in the future) and drawing your attention away from living in and improving the present. It's seductive and an understandable emotion; it needs to be kept under control however; no matter how hard it is to face the bleakness of current reality.
This reminds me so much of another, very similar thing: Watching vlogs by influencers! They record the best, and leave out most of the stress situation, unless they are gonna do something funny out of it, any mishaps they cannot make entertaining or exciting is edited out, (there's the glitch again btw) and as a viewer one sits there and vishes for a perfect life like those influencers. Well, there is a lot of stress in their life and stuff no one gets to see. But this psychology would apply here as well as on nostalgia. What do you think? And yes, best thing is letting things be the way they are, not attempting to make things better or "like before" or "like on the screen". Maybe, the next Christmas, having no decoration and just ordinary, but different food would make it better?
This is the opposite for me I remember bad experiences rather than good because so few. I suppose going abroad is good memory and keeping a hamster. Most of time I was too busy with video games or shut down mode after work.
Thank you for sharing this great insight - it ministered to me. Can you also apply the filter to negative experiences we had growing up? (They weren’t really as bad as we remember them to be?) Quick question: What is in the glass jar on your desk?
It’s like how at 43 I mourn the loss of my teens and twenties but reality is I was miserable back then too.
Same! I’m 26 now and I already feel so old, like I’ve wasted my most valuable years and now I got no energy left. Also I feel like I could have developed my character way more, poured more effort into myself instead just being a blank sheet of paper with no real life goals and nothing interesting about me at all. It feels like other people are so far ahead of me because they’ve used their time better, in a more resourceful way.. if I could back in time I would.
I guess I’ll just use the time that’s left and make the best of it. ✌🏻
@ It’s the curse of being who you are now and looking back with that new mind, values and ability. The person I am now wants to go back and do more, do it better etc.
@ It’s great that you’re thinking about this now at 26. You have time to make the best out of your present. 26-40 are some great years.
My freshman year in college was great. I was depressed during that time, but it was still so much better than high school and earlier (as well as my 20s and 30s).
Same age, same problem as me!
I enjoy your videos because there is only talking. No intro and outro music and no annoying sound effects like the "subscribe bell". Thank you for everything 🙏
I so wish I lived within driving distance of you because I would want you to be my therapist. I really enjoy and appreciate your openness about yourself. It puts you and us on the same playing field. I can appreciate you aren't throwing a text book at us. You are the most genuine psychologist I've ever met or seen online. Thank you ❤ You've helped me so much and you didn't even know it!! I'm in VA. I believe you're in Utah. God Bless you and your family. May he wrap a shield of protection around all of you. ❤️🩹🙏🏻
Happy New Year 🎊🕛
Ahhhh, Tomb Raider...
Those pixelated twins.
It is a sign of confidence in the message; that it is the star of the show, so to speak.
"I wish it was possible to know that you're in the good old days, before you've actually left them." -- Andy Bernard
😢
I believe it somehow relates to the state of mind when those events happened. I cannot feel nostalgia from the last 10 or so years of my life, not because I haven’t had any memorable good moments, but for I wasn’t able to FEEL the joy when I experienced them. I long for those good moments of the past not because they were good, but because they FELT so good. I remember reading books, music, chasing girls, concerts, dreams of the future….but what I miss is the JOY I felt, the drive, the anticipation, the surprise, the new…I don’t feel those emotions anymore. Maybe it’s just age…
I watch you from Moscow. You are not like other psychologists. And I love it.
Facts
Russia has RUclips?
I have the advantage of having kept a diary at the time. When I look back and compare and think that it felt better - I check the diary and see that I was struggling then. It wasn’t better. Now is better as I have learnt more on how to cope.
For many people, likely you are right. For many.
For me, I hate childhood. I hated being a child. It was awful. Oh sure, some good things. Some help. I lived. Although I truly believe that my brother was as much murdered by untreated awful child abuse as if the old man had held the gun and pulled the trigger.
NOW, in my 70s and with 5 decades of therapy, I can only say NOW is the best part of my life.
Wouldn't go back a day. It's taken my whole life, to get this far. I'll be 75 soon.
Glad--NOW--to be here. Now.
Good for you! Glad to hear you have prevailed and are enjoying your life. And I agree w/your childhood assessments: there are absolute-unqualified people who become parents and then inhabit the bad-parenting spectrum from disinterest to abuse, creating lifelong difficulties for their offspring. But everything is impermanent including suffering.
@@johnhamilton9284 , What a most excellent reply: "...Everything is impermanent including suffering." THANK you!
@@jeankipper6954 I can't take credit for that insight: took years of practice/study of the practical philosophies (no metaphysical mumbo-jumbo) of Buddhism and Stoicism. There are many teachers who came before us and generously recorded their studies/insights, much as Dr. Eilers does on his channel.
This is one of the BIGGEST struggles I have as I feel like my affinity for nostalgia has turned toxic. I decided that this year, I want to shift from toxic nostalgia to progressive reflection. In other words, I want to remain grateful for the good parts of my past while also moving forward in my life. Coming to this realization has led me to not return to any environment that reminds me about my past. My brain is stuck in the past, and I am trying to move on because I need to accept life as it is in the moment. I'm also considering therapy to help me move forward as well because the past has such a lock on my brain. Thanks, as always, for your messages!
" Shift from toxic nostalgia to progressive reflection "
Nicely said.
I am going to use this too or borrow 👍
With me is the opposite. Most memories from my past are very bad. It makes all my wounds, traumas and losses to come back in vivid colors. Very painful.
That's something actually that I really just tackled heavily. I've been working on myself like 30 years. I've been in an abusive relationships just even my childhood just so much trauma that he didn't even know was there f****** me up. So yeah reminiscing isn't really it for me. I mean don't get me wrong. I have good memories but in therapy when I was talking to the therapist and was crying and I said I don't want to feel this anymore and she said why do you have to? And it all just opened up. It was like somebody finally gave me permission to hand back my trauma to the people caused it so I could be at peace. I'm telling you that's the most worthwhile thing that I've ever done and so I don't know you and I don't know what you dealt with and I really can't say that it will work for you that I'm going to tell you what my therapist told me You don't have to. And something that I do when I start ruminating is I tell myself okay. Yep that happened and I imagine that there's a giant space between me and it and I say you can go in there and maybe I'll deal with you later. Or maybe I won't but I'm going to put you there for now. And most of the time I preoccupy myself and I don't think about it again. And it's very difficult because I'm in an abusive relationship currently with someone who is pretty much a narcissist. I mean it's really really hard but the more space I create around me easier. It is for me not to freak out. I'm telling you it's a blessing. And I really hope that you can do the same. It isn't going to happen right away. It's not instantaneous, but if you can't get just a little tiny bit of respite from doing that, even if it's just 5 minutes, even if it's just 2 minutes. If you just keep doing that it's like a muscle. I'm sorry and rambled on. I'm not telling you what to do. I'm just sharing what helped me and I hope it helped you cause it really sucks to be stuck and trapped and to feel like you're paying the price because somebody else mistreated you and that's insane like the shame change sides give it back to them
But there is a huge difference when you struggle mentally and when you are not , it is normal to wish for going back to your old peaceful happy person !
Of course but having that memories it's toxic too, it's better to let go even if it's hard because memories interfer w the process of changing.
I agree!
I also believe there is a four reason
Which is that past is safe, because you already know what happened
There is no ambiguity there is no doubts
Which means there is no anxiety or depression when you think about your past but when you are in the present you have to think about the future
And nothing is certain
And biologically humans hate uncertainties
I'm with you on this one, most of the times nostalgia is more harmful than relevant because wanting something to be like was in the past it's impossible
Because everything changes and it's easy to get stuck in something that don't exist anymore. it's harmful, adapt and live the moment. it's yours.
I was way more active and had more friends and whatnot but at the same time, I had so many bad habits and I was reckless all while living with my toxic family. Things aren't as exciting as they used to be at all, but I've been focused on improving myself and my mental health and trying to create new patterns. I also put a space between me and my family and don't live with them anymore. Things seemed better in the past, but they really weren't.
Jeez I might as well have wrote this comment. Same experience almost word for word
I quote this line by line
In my teens, I suffered from horrible constipation. In my twenties, I began suffering from depression. I had no idea what was wrong with me. I couldn't identify that my family didn't care. I thought there was something wrong with me. All I knew was I was fine when I went away for a week or weekend. But when I returned home, I got sick again. Where would I go to get away from what I was experiencing? I discovered why I was always so ill so late in my life. I wish I had known at the age of 50 what I know now. I just turned 68 last month. Maladaptive behavior can take a lifetime to change. There are so many moving parts.
As I'm listening to this podcast and taking notes, I had to chuckle because I sort of opened up Disney plus and pulled up the old Robin Hood Disney cartoon that I would watch on the ol VHS while playing with my toys... of course, as you said, the small stressors like parents arguing in the other room aren't really recalled when I normally think of "fond memories" like these. Awesome podcast, thanks !
Broke up from a toxic (to me) relationship almost 2 years ago. I never mourned or regret my decision. But lately I've been feeling like I miss her and the time I spend with her. This litte 12 minutes felt so good to me that I can't explain it. Thank you so much Doc.
That's something I've never had a problem with because my life was so miserable when I was young that it got so much better when I got older. Even when I struggled it was nothing like it was because I was able to become empowered actually because of people like you who share their knowledge for free on line where everybody has access to it. So for that I thank you. Because of people like you people like me have better lives❤
Exactly. This is what I think. We forget the feelings we had in our body and thirst etc. We only remember the movie scene.
My mom said once a good thing about past times and people always complaining that it used to be better. She said that it wasn’t better, it was the same, maybe some things were different but basically it was the same. Past times aren’t better, they are just past times and people living and surviving in them just like we are doing now.
My past was better. My present is a hellish nightmare
My youngest of 3 turns 17 soon and I can tell you from talking with my kids about their childhoods, the vast majority of the stuff I worried that I messed up or that wasn’t as good for them as it was when I was a kid, etc…. They don’t remember that stuff at all or very differently than I do. I’ve apologized over stuff that they didnt even remember as a negative experience. It was my own anxiety projecting itself onto their experience, I think. I hope that helps.
I’m really struggling with the transition of them growing up and leaving home. I needed this reminder that the “best” parts aren’t in the past - unless I keep living there in my head.
I've just turned 60 me and my friends all fall into this. Part of it is at this age your body starts showing its age everything hurts. You start having chronic conditions so what you can eat and drink is dictated by that. Your tired all the time. It's hard not to look back to a time. When your health was not one of your problems. Aging, declining health and mortality. Gee I wonder why I'm longing for health, youth and life. You do have Bladerunner in the back there so excuse me if like Batty I want more life.
I'll wolf howl if I like.
I think realistically as you age or health declines you would have nostalgia for the past and better health etc. I think that the point here is that nothing was as perfect as it seems, there are many benefits of being older not dealing with work, hopefully some financial security, less worried about other people opinions, more secure in yourself, perhaps grandchildren. Generic observations but you get my point hopefully.
@danamckenzie7872 yeah I get it. But nothing makes up for health and vitality nothing.
I’ll howl with you 🐺
At 44 I so relate to this. Everything hurts all the time.
This has been the biggest challenge for me the last seven years since my divorce. And it’s normal! Thank you so so much for talking about these topics and changing lives. You are a healer.
This video came on the perfect day for me, I just had revelations about repressing my present and reveling too much on the past. You're absolutely right about the distortion of memories. It's always best to live in the moment no matter how appealing the past was. I had this problem for 13 years since 2012 but I'm truly waking up to this problem and fixing it!
I constantly dwell on all my past mistakes, dramas and horrendous dilemmas 😢😢
man, i agree with you, but at the same time i do not.
maybe part of it is me getting old and most of my family is now dead.
I found nostalgia would kick in when I was feeling depressed. Took me awhile to make that association.
My sister's been having anxiety and sadness recently.. The other day she mentioned that out of the blue shes been feeling nostalgic .. bingo..
We discussed my similar symptoms during my times Of depression . I recommended she talk to someone
Today, your thoughts really spoke to me. I have been in a rut, continually reminiscing about my childhood and good times in my early twenties. I definitely understand and see that by doing this, I’m not giving my “all” to the present, making these years as memorable as they should be. Thank you for today’s theme. Definitely, you were speaking to me. Did I say I’m 73? Partly, I think being “early old” has something to do with my wanting to go back to my youth and young adulthood when I was freely living my life at that time -my choices- not my parents-daily little choices, not the big ones. I was in grad school then. I was me! I need to think about me today and how I can again make the choices to “feel” free! 😳🙂🤩
The Dr. Scott Eilers youtube feature of Why Your past Always Seems Better Than Your Present is both honest and insightful especially with rich and relateable examples from the author's own life. Additionally,the portion with what the youtube author discusses after the 11 minute mark especially channels the theme of the youtube author's message relating to encouraging oneself of forging more empowered memories of the present and future independent of how it compares with the past.
I feel like this now about how at 32 I've owned 3 separate homes. I made a few decisions to relocate and some less than ideal financial decisions has now lead me to being back to renting and for 2 years now I've had some bad rental experiences. The next time I own a home, I will cherish it more than ever.
I think about this often. I romanticize my childhood as if it was the best time of my life. But was it? Was high school amazing like in movies? Was I riding a constant high of style and popularity? Did we break into song in the hallway between classes?
I compare my SOCIAL LIFE now, sure, because it's infinitely harder for adults to make friends. And yeah, it was fun.
But perfect?
No. I just miss having feelings. And midnight bowling.
Youth and exuberance was a hell of a drug for me even if outside my childhood bubble it was a nightmare of narcissistic hell in my family of abusers.
No matter how wretched periods of our lives are, we always had brief periods where we experienced joy. It is those memories I pull up when I am melancholy and try to recreate. It masks some other need (for me, usually a spiritual one) that I am ignoring. Life is damn good now. I suppose if I lived to 150, I would look back to now in melancholy. Great video!
Every generation thinks that the good old days are gone! I was a child in the 80s and I definitely feel this way. We were able to live in the moment because we didn't have technology that we were glued to and had to physically and mentally interact with human beings. My son is almost 25 but 20 years from now he will feel like the good old days are behind him I'm sure!!
Happy New Year!🎉
What about being stuck in grieving the past? When you suffer so much loss you feel like the only person on a island and all you have left are the clothes on your back, literally, and memories.
I feel the same way
That is exactly where I am. Everything changed and not for the better. I want my old life back.
Do you ever answer people's questions?
I feel the opposite. There are a few good moments but mostly I paint my past in sadness and shame.
Even the good and wonderful moments, which I cognitively know were plenty, are turned into a "I need drugs that help me forget".
But I did not find an antonym for the word nostalgia.
I read that it is common for depressed people (as I) to not romanticise the past.
I really appreciate the fact that you really try to help us who are depressed and anxious with concrete advice.
Unfortunately, what you try to "teach"to make us feel more comfortable is not always true: I was quite happy when my late husband was still alive. (We managed to be together from the summer of 1999 to the end of March 2020, which is more than 20 years.) And I have to say, I wouldn't mind if my heart stopped beating tonight. These almost 5 years since he died of blood cancer have held a lot of emotional pain inside and felt quite insignificant, I would say.😞 (He was my sunshine indeed.💔.)
I do this all the time. Glorify the past. This makes sense why. Thank you
Youth and exuberance were a hell of a drug for me even if outside my childhood bubble it was a nightmare of narcissistic hell in my family of abusers.
Back in high school ( 79-82) Owned a 1970 Plymouth GTX. In my junior year it was hit and totaled while parked on the street late one night in front of the house. Now, sometimes I get the urge to want to buy another one. But I think it’s for nostalgic reasons and even though I could easily pay cash for one, I don’t think it would be a good decision. I feel like I would be “chasing the past” and I am not the same person I was back then. But here’s the real problem. That was the first car that I ever owned and I worked and paid for it. It was my pride and joy and I literally loved that car. Something that night died in my soul after that car was totaled and I’ve never been able to get over it. That was going to be a car that some day I would restore it to new. That dream died that night it was destroyed by some a-hole who claimed he fell asleep while driving by. To this day, I am extremely angry about it.
Wow.. It is crazy you posted this right now. I have been really struggling with exactly this. I needed to hear all of this. I have had severe anxiety being nostalgic about the way things once were. All of a sudden it hit me out of nowhere. Partially probably to do with the holidays and this month is my mom's 10-year anniversary of passing. Now this was a terrible time in my life in many ways.. I've just found myself recently longing to be back there despite knowing I do not actually want to be there. I have been so confused as to why. Thank you so much for this video. ❤️❤️
I want to go back to when my beautiful Father was still alive. I will always feel this way, my Dad was such a light in the darkness. I love You with all my soul Dad.
PS This in stark contrast to the story of Tony's Father in the Sopranos 😏.
I totally relate to this,I have been plagued by this love hate relationship for years.
In the film Sunset Blvd. Norma ignores the love next to her (her driver and ex husband) to chase past glory the she will never be able to regain. I think this is the danger of focusing on the past. It might have well been better, but it keeps us from seeing where love is today.
It works a little differently for me. I don't look back warmly on the times in my past and think how good it was. I look back in pain and rage at some of the awful things that happened to me because I invited into my life the kinds of people that I did. But those good memories I'll supposedly never have again? I don't have that. There are some good memories here and there, but I don't think that I'll never have them again.
And to be honest, most of my good memories have been marred by things I later came to understand about the people with whom I shared those experiences.
What if your present sucks? But your past also sucks. Living in the present is depressing. Thinking about the past is depressing. Life has been hell for me.
In this case it is getting complicated and just buying a wall calendar with cute cat photos from 2016 won´t help at all! Was there never any time that did not suck? For example childhood? It is more easy to get some awesome eighties and nineties wall calendars and authentic vinyls and Stephen King first original issues used on eBay with the same print errors you remember they had when you where reading these books a kid, and other cool hipster-retrostuff. While getting retro-stuff from a few years ago like a 2016 cat calandar or Witcher 3 and Dishonored 2 Steelbook edition on the other hand is literally impossible... Traveling far far back in time is way more easy than a few months or years.
Childhood was infinitely better because we lived in the moment. We didn’t have to worry about bills, careers, politics or even about what we will be doing a month from now. We just existed and took in everything and anything that the world offered us. As adults, we have forgotten about this - life is simple! Social media is to blame as well
This happens in dating and marriage in senior years. Constantly being compared to the former spouse.
I miss the time 13 years ago specifically. I recently learned that my husband of 12 years has been lying to me for the whole time. I wish I would’ve never chosen to be in a relationship with him. Starting over is hard
It is tough when your life SUCKS and only full of despair due to recent lingering health complications. Very active athletic guy just turned 60 and I am dealing with a debilitating digestive disease with autoimmunity complications that came out of nowhere after second Covid. Both bouts with it seemed very mild with minimal immediate issues, but then things went bad quickly almost to the month a year ago. It has been a full year of hell and this life situation has triggered false past ideation thinking I never did before -> always been a "better new day/in the present" kind of thinker. This hopeless full of despair BS is brutal and terrifying!!
Love it.
I empathize with this message.
Interesting because I have CPTSD and nearly no memories that are good, fun or pleasant. I remember objects, but don't have positive memories attached to most objects. My positive memories began at 18 when I left for the army. I don't miss people or the abuse or dysfunction. Except nature. And stars. My past is what I've been fighting to recover from.
Damn right! When you really think about it you realise we have way better things now. We are more stressed now but if we can be not stressed and depressed then we can create new memories. I have good memories from just 1 year ago even though it wasn't perfect. No such thing as perfect. You remember the good times because the bad times are uncomfortable and we wanted to forget them.
So helpful. I appreciate your work so much. Thank you ❤
This really hits hard for me for so many reasons.
I'm now 66 years of age as of Jan 2025. I will agree with you! 100% wise advice from you. Thanks from Australia!
You are right, currently not feeling all these small but unbearable every-day stressors from the past, like not having the next store in 30 minutes of walking distance but no car anymore, and having a room temperature of +8° degrees centigrade for five months every year followed by having +30° room temperature the other half of the year has a strong tendency to slip from the memory when thinking back......... which makes the past way more glorious and comfortable (and air-conditioned) that it actually was in reality... ;D
That´s why it is so important to write a diary. It is awesome to have a few authentic memories from the past without glorifying it too much.
Wow! So me....
Glad I'm not alone in this.
Thank you superbly!
You are helping soo many people including me at 67!
Thank you so much for this particular video. This is something that I've been finding myself struggling with more and more frequently over the last few years but I had a really hard time finding the right words to describe or explain it in a way that would make sense to anyone. Now that I've seen this I feel like I've gained enough understanding of the matter that now I'm wondering if perhaps it wasn't lack of understanding itself keeping me from describing it the whole time. And if so, maybe it will also help me start to get a handle on it finally. Thank you! I'm so glad you decided to post this one today. I couldn't be more grateful!
So true! I never realized... Thanks.
I really needed to hear this, thank you
Great insight, thank you!
Great explanations for the editing & distortion of reminiscing. Really savoring >now< & looking for NEW experiences that will become my new "treasured memories" of a different time in my life 💗🙂
Six years off the needle, (heroin), and I miss it like an old friend. I remember the sickness, the dark times, and the pain, but I would give almost anything to feel that numb again.
Omg you've just put into words what im doing! Ive had crippling anxiety & depression since my Mum died 2 years ago. To be honest I don't feel like me any more. Thank you for articulating this so well ❤
Very important topic. I've struggled with this time to time
Omg! My 76 yr old brother lives so in the past…it wasn’t that great but he thinks it was. He came to visit and went to our childhood neighborhood 4 times(!) to walk around the neighborhood. He stopped in shops and I’m sure drove them crazy reminiscing about the olden days. No one wants to hear about your memories. He’s divorced for 25 yrs now and reminisces about how wonderful his marriage was…wtf?? They hated each other. Then came back to my home and wanted to talk abt it ALL the time! I think he’s not mentally well.
Once again, your timing is F crazy. Thanks, Dr. Scott!
What a great perspective.I definitely have thoughts about the past being so great... I need to enjoy the present❤
This is amazing! It is so helpful to me because now I can purposefully apply logic to this o break my habit of romanticizing my past. It’s true that comparison is the thief of joy.
Thank you for this!
Thank you! Definitely needed to hear this. My best buddy has been trying to help me better myself. You've both been a tremendous help. 'Preciate ya both! 😄💙
Your content is very helpful, as always 👍 👍
I can't agree. In my childhood I had friends, low responsibilities, an education/career path that seemed to be working. I don't have any of that now. My past was objectively better than the present.
Dr Scott, this makes me sad and feel brokener
The other day I went out for a coffee with a friend from high school I haven't seen in years and remembering the 'good old times' about this guy I was dating ....
it was this awful cloudy freezing cold winter day the streets empty desolating depressing and I was waiting for him in front of the church where it was our meeting place, alone and freezing thinking it was worth it cause of the magic
I tell her I would never do that for a guy ever again we're laughing...
And she says well yeah cause as you grow up you change, now you want the guy who gives you comfort security a cosy warm house, a good meal.....there's no more magic
And I was reflecting on that and realized she was right, that fading magic of reality is like falling out of love You change you can never go back cause there's nothing left there, but a memory
If you have trauma though or some depression mental health issues you will tend to idealize the past and keep going back i imagine that's how trauma bond works for people who never heal
I had this guy stalking me for years even after marrying and I could see how limerent and delusional he was he couldn't even see me for who I was
It's really sad
Trauma keeps you stuck in life
Thanks for this Dr Scott. This is exactly how I see my teenage years. I remember the pride when I did well academically and the nights out with friends, but I only remember the incredible stress I, the shame about my parents house (which was in a very expensive area) or the loneliness i felt 90% of the time in my nightmares. I dont feel any of those nowadays. My life isn't better all the time, but it's different.
I needed this video right now. Thank you
Excellent Video. Is it safe to say that those past memorable experiences happened because we are fully present during those past experiences? Also, it's pretty cool to notice that when we are determined to accomplish something, we will block out things (like cold weather) to achieve a goal. We, essentially, endure through perseverance
The past wasn't as great as it seems, but it was better than now. 2025 is the darkest time of my life so far, and I'm not just catastrophizing.
Well, in this case you are not being nostalgic, you are just in trouble.
So THAT is why anybody that dies suddenly had a "smile that lit up the room," even if they were actually a curmudgeon.
And there are a few times in my life where I remember thinking "these are the good times," but that didn't make it any easier to prolong them.
I cherish my past as a mad person, one may say I'm stalking it☺ I've always done so, and it isn't because it was better. Oftentimes the opposite. I'm melancholic like my mind is always in Autumn, looking back - with love - but resentful of the loss.
I guess it has to do with an introvert nature, digesting everything slowly, not being good at being very present, which makes my past standing out vividly, making up for the present.
Now I'm feeling nostalgic about The Sopranos 😜
As an antique dealer for almost 30 years I can tell you that people find great pleasure in reliving the past. I believe there is an evolutionary adaptation to the rose colored glasses we experience when thinking of fond times. It usually points to a resource we are thirsty for right now. I think it’s wise not to let the good old days depress you, but it’s also wise to use those memories to cheer yourself up when the present and the future feel bleak. Philip Lombardo has two books about how we view time and how our unique time perspective can aid in mental health issues. His book on this subject revolutionized my thinking on time and I recommend them.
genius video,thank you
The only video I really can’t relate to. I remember in detail how painful and awful my childhood was the most. And I need to remember the good things because there wasn’t many good things I remember sadly. I know I have it good and better now then. I can’t really remember how I was when I was a toddler but that’s when I would get locked in my room crying for ages and trying to run away so much from my parents.
Actually what I remember most and probably do this a lot now which does pull me out of the present was maladaptive daydreaming. You described it perfectly at the ending of dissociating from the present and reminiscing and daydreaming of something that makes you feel warm and great. I do that a ton. Just not of my childhood. Mostly the stories. Characters and daydreams I had that were so much more memorable and amazing than my life as a child. I tried to attempt ending it all when I had just turned ten years old and hit puberty. I had my memories of daydreaming to keep me going. I do reminisce often of the imagined characters I loved in the past and I’m still clinging hard to that so I do relate in a sense. Just not with a physical type of good feelings but the amazing daydreams I had as a child that took me out of the present back than when I was crying and feeling terrible. Feeling like life had no meaning and was pointless that I had life back then. I had to get therapy because I’d smile at my teacher and tell them how much I hated who I was and that I hope I’m not alive to see the next day. It was so traumatic as a child that my best friends were imagined! And I still have those imagined friends and characters today.
It’s like I do attach myself to certain characters. (This one video game character that’s helped me since I was 9) He’s been in my life and I do hit nostalgic feelings that are comforting and warm whenever I daydream and imagine myself with him. And my Maladaptive daydreaming has somewhat ruined me in doing tasks and being quick about things and reading books. I’m lost in my own story because childhood taught me this was the way to escape a terrible torment within my own mind. ❤
It's not just that we miss what we had in the past, we also miss our ability to cherish those things like we did in the past. When we look critically at the past and see that it wasn't that great like our brain makes it out to be, that's our present self making that judgement. Would our past self see it the same way?
Nostalgia feels kind of uncanny... its such a good feeling but it always makes you kinda sad
Once again - perfect.
Thank you for sharing this, can we get something about reliving nostalgia every day. Idk how to let go of people from past and move on
Do u still talk to people from that past ?
@ No, i never got closure
@@dzananaibrahimovic9534 what is stopping you from talking to them and get closure. Ego, pride, emotional issues, drifted causes ?
@ sorry for not replying earlier, but basically they blocked me because they are in internet relationship, so i cant get closure
@@TestvinayakBeta didnt tag
I'm one of those weirdos who has never understood nostalgia, so this was interesting in that regard 😅
Spot on, Dr. Scott
well said! mind blown
Wow…… period.
Very wise words.
I usually agree with you. But for many people, death, serious illness, and other things change things, often for the worse.
If your parent dies when you are young, you miss them, but also have major changes to your family, finances, social standing. Your dad died. Now your pet is sick, but you can't afford vet care. Your mom needs to work two jobs, but you moved away from extended family so she could find work, so you are home alone most of the time. This is very different from the past, and not in trivial ways.
If both of your children spend years with cancer, and then die, your life really was better before they were sick.
But we only have one life to live, and we can't change the past, so it makes sense to focus on the present and the future, and enjoying life. But it doesn't help to pretend that many things were not better for you in the past.
My own personal past is spotty; there were some really really bad times and there were times that by every metric were better than where I am today. I have lost a number of loved ones to death and their loss has cast a pall over my existence. The thing with nostalgia is that it is so easy to escape to the past with it and emerge tormented by what you can never have again, at least not in this life. It is like starving and being tormented with the smells and images of things you want so badly yet are impossible to get. It's an impossible to satisfy yearning that can help make your present worse by making you focus on what you can't have and the pain that comes from that while downgrading what you do still have (which itself can be lost in the future) and drawing your attention away from living in and improving the present.
It's seductive and an understandable emotion; it needs to be kept under control however; no matter how hard it is to face the bleakness of current reality.
This reminds me so much of another, very similar thing: Watching vlogs by influencers! They record the best, and leave out most of the stress situation, unless they are gonna do something funny out of it, any mishaps they cannot make entertaining or exciting is edited out, (there's the glitch again btw) and as a viewer one sits there and vishes for a perfect life like those influencers. Well, there is a lot of stress in their life and stuff no one gets to see. But this psychology would apply here as well as on nostalgia. What do you think? And yes, best thing is letting things be the way they are, not attempting to make things better or "like before" or "like on the screen". Maybe, the next Christmas, having no decoration and just ordinary, but different food would make it better?
Thanks ❤
Thank you
This is the opposite for me I remember bad experiences rather than good because so few. I suppose going abroad is good memory and keeping a hamster. Most of time I was too busy with video games or shut down mode after work.
Thank you for sharing this great insight - it ministered to me. Can you also apply the filter to negative experiences we had growing up? (They weren’t really as bad as we remember them to be?)
Quick question: What is in the glass jar on your desk?