As someone on the low libido end of the spectrum, I find that I often don’t start being interested in the act until later in the process, so I find it helpful to make a logical decision to start and figure out later on if I want to continue rather than make a decision based on my level of desire in the beginning. Otherwise I would never do it! I also sometimes will tell my partner if I’m not feeling sexual but am open to being intimate- so we can adjust the nature of the act to be more emotional rather than physical, and we can both enjoy it.
Thank you for sharing. I was on the high libido side of things when I was much younger, but very much on the low libido end for the last 10 years. I often treat social activities similarly to what you described, I don't know why I didn't think to do it with this issue, probably because it seems more embarrassing/distressing to possibly disappoint my partner. Anyway, thanks again for sharing!
@@laurenhoover6024 so glad this is helpful! Honestly took a lot of convos with my partner for us to both be okay with me not being fully “into it” from the start, and I try to compensate when I am feeling into it to make him feel wanted. But it’s better than how it was before! I also find that talking to each other about what we were doing (describing it, as if it’s over the phone) helped me be more in the moment and limited my brain’s capacity to be distracted and thus less interested.
Absolutely the same here. I usually tell my boyfriend it's about time to do it again...and they we both take a shower and then we start. 😂 Romance lever -9000. 🤣 But it works abd the sex itself is a 10/10. ❤
As a queer AUDHD-er I feel it’s easier to really be present during sex when I’m topping since I’m the one making the decisions- I have to pay attention a lot more. I’ve struggled a lot more bottoming because if my partner isn’t overwhelming my senses or getting just the right spot, I get bored/spacey😭 I’m trying to work on this with better communication and getting more comfortable with my partner. I 100% agree with the exercise point! Ive been sick lately so I haven’t been able to lift weights as much. I’ve noticed such a crazy difference in my mood, and how connected I feel in my body
Cis-female pan-bi here. Absolutly get it. But just if I have sex with men! There to use a position to am able to "control the ride" (don't have english words to say, sorry, not my mothertongue 🤷🏽♀️). With women it's very different. But I guess because we talk better about needs, wishes? And have more time with each other? Or because I feel mostly emotionally more connected? I guess it's mostly the point that (cis-)men get easily stressed if You SAY You get distracted, want to pause, try it in a different way. So as I then don't want to cause a fight (worst case) or make them feel bad spmehow, unsecure (?) I just go on and then finally am out of the game. If this sounds familiar to You somehow, maybe over-think it for a while if You want to get a happy vers😉😘
This is a great resource! I’m AuDHD and also sex favourable Asexual. Learning more about the experiences and nuance within the asexual umbrella has really helped me navigate my relationship to my body and needs. In particular understanding what specifically I’m looking for in any given experience like your example around “risky play” where it becomes not just informative but helpful to know what sensation, social, emotional, and cognitive experiences I’m looking for and then tailoring my activities and desires to those rather than just assuming any kind of sexytimes is equivalent and “desired”. I really encourage everyone to explore nuanced Asexual community discussion whether or not you personally resonate with the label I find that these diverse communities offer invaluable insight into the human experience and can better inform our own.
As an AuDHDer on the low libido spectrum, I actually don't find the emotional foreplay fun at all. And it isn't just with my husband, it has been through all my relationships. If they start in the morning with "you are so beautiful, yada yada, butt squeeze, yada yada" ok. But then when it happens again later in the day, then again some hours later. I start feeling turned off, pressured and anxious, rather than turned on. My brain starts thinking, "ok, I get it, you want sex, just leave me alone right now I'm busy". However, I do need my partner to initiate, because I could go forever without ever thinking about having sex.
What you're feeling is pressure and expectations. Talk about it with your partner, make sure he's comfortable with you saying no at any point during the process. I agree with @msmiami212, making your relationship more tactile will also relieve the pressure of "he squeezed my butt, do I want sex? No, not now so I must tell him the first time he does it. So it doesn't build expectations." It's 100% about him and not you. Doesn't give you time to get in the mood and puts pressure on an immediate decision.
I’m still exploring this topic in therapy and probing into past traumas, but this made me feel a little more understood . Simply you describing how the low libido ADHD-ers (me) need the build up because we’re constantly thinking of other things and the come-on feels out of nowhere…but as the other person mentioned above; I feel like for me I would know what they’re “up to” and i would then get demand avoidance. I can’t find the key to unlock this and I can’t even describe how frustrating and devastating it is. I just end up feeling like a problem.
Goodnessssss, I relate to this so much. Thank you for putting it in words, even if I also cannot figure it out, maybe I can at least explain to my partner what my brain is up to because I feel like a terrible partner!
This definitely makes sense to me. My partner and I have very different sex drives, she has a higher one and I have a very low one. And I do think emotional foreplay does help, but a lot of factors have to fall into place for me to want to have sex and she knows that. But she still gives me consistent attention and affection every day without any expectations being tied to it. Yes she does express her want for sex to me often, kind of like an opening for me to initiate if I want to, but she never ever pressures me so it doesn’t feel like a demand.
I am so so happy you covered this topic! I’m an older gal who’s been with the same partner for almost 14 years and married for 10. I got started on anti-anxiety medicine a few years back and my sex drive was non-existent. And it lasted for almost 3 full years! I also had no interest in it whatsoever. Thankfully, my husband was and still is very patient with me, and no matter how ready to go he is, if I’m not, he says that’s alright and we’ll try another time. Before the anti-anxiety meds my libido was running marathons, and then it was a couch potato. It’s taking some time to get it going again, but it is getting better. We have both talked about introducing toys back into the game as well, so I think he’s going to be super excited when I can put my Bellesa order in on payday. 😂 Thank you for a great video Hayley!
Refreshing to see a discussion I have not read in a clinician's book on ADHD. Your new book is amazingly helpful too BTW, as a clinician with ADHD who is tired of reading ADHD books by clinicians you are an amazing conduit that makes the topic interesting (above video as an example). I think it is important to note how this dynamic can erode the relationship over time. I have experienced RSD and emotion dysregulation, as well as not feeling I have had enough stimulation in my relationship, and it affected sex (and vice versa). After years, it was hard to determine which came first, the problems with the relationship, and the problems with sex. It is also a struggle when you feel like you cannot take medication, and you just cannot find footing with your partner because of the sense of overwhelm with life and your relationship/sex life.
I have a high sex drive. And usually seek excitement, and trying out everything. But that has gotten me in some terrible and also dangerous situations, because I somehow forget about the consequences. I also just tune out during sex. Thinking about everything else during the act, even though I am also trying to enjoy it. It's always been a struggle for me 🙈 Thank you for talking about this topic ❤️👍 great video.
I can relate with the exercising. It does work and help with libido and mind regulation. I'm a completely different person if I exercise everyday. It shouldn't really be an option for me. It's a must. And If I'm not emotionally deeply connected to someone and it's actively worked on or grown from their side my body shuts off. Always been that way. Even if I really love them. It's not a decision I make. It's just how I'm wired. Also been around the block with the whole self exploration journey. It's not the same for me if by myself. Atleast by now I know my body. It's more about emotional intimicy for me. It's like a combo. The emotions and pleasure works together like a bomb. If the emotions/deep connection of being known and "together," are gone the pleasure won't pleasure. I the single pringle right now. But looking forward to the future. For now I'm just enjoying other "forms" of pleasure. I think it's a good thing to be able to be without it and not HAVE to have to 😂 All the best with everyone's journeys ✌️🙂
I'm on the lower spectrum of the sex drive and for me the sex drive always comes during the act itself but not in the beginning so i often find excuses to not have sex even though i know i like having sex with my boyfriend but my brain is sometimes really weird and also don't shut up during sex which is annoying sometimes haha and btw I LOVE YOUR HONESTY on this topic, you're so real for this and i love it
All of this. I've had trouble explaining to my partner what I need and I'm just going to show him this and share with my therapist so they can share it with their other neurospicy patients ❤🎉
One issue I've had as an auAdhd-er, is that sometimes I get too impacted to take the time with myself that I need, to work myself up to release, and then I tire out before I can reach the big - O. And that's very frustrating tbh, but I've had to learn and thrn remind myself, to take things slow and not rush into things just cause I'm bored/horny lol
A can of worms used to be a classic prank. Think of black and white cartoons from Walt Disney's day. A character would offer another character something like peanuts (sold in a can). The other character would open the can, and these "worms" would come out. Big, fake worm-shaped things basically jumped out based on the force released by the lid being opened. So, opening a can of worms in metaphor refers to an uncontrolled release of something that you can't manage once they are released.
As someone who is autistic (potential AuDHD), I just assumed that my low libido was because I was autistic and struggle to make connections, but I am not realising that I am probably somewhere on the asexual spectrum.
Great topic! It's a topic that's not covered a lot in the neurodivergent community. The more we can share and make more people aware, the more we can help others, because some of you need to learn what the hell you are doing,haha. Maybe I should also make a video on this topic. _Why am I hearing the Chacha slide song being played? Maybe it's the neighbor..._
Hayley, thank you SO much for making this video🥺♥️🫂 (I'm so going to make my boyfriend watch this too. ♡) Also!! I just wanted to say that I've been able to end my doom scrolling!! (Occasionally I watch some youtube shorts, but I never scroll down for a random video.) I introduced some elements of minimalism (also digital minimalism) and slow-living into my life, and they have helped me shorten my screen time a lot! I'd say one of the most important things is to have something else instead of scrolling prepared. Just wanted to say this, if some one is trying to get out of doom scrolling and could find this helpful
thank you for this video!! i’m like you and usually have a really high sex drive but it waned a bit when i started taking meds for adhd, and now it takes forever for me to finish cuz i started taking anti depressants too 😭 it really sucks cuz i’m still mentally very horny. just takes me one billion years to finish, if at all, plus having to deal with losing interest or getting distracted halfway through 🙃
☝️ lost it completely for three years. Got off birth control and it came back. Tho this is actually a common issue if you take hormones of any sort for birth control. Idk if it actually affected my adhd other than making me not want to move anymore. I became a couch potato and didn’t wanna exercise let alone even walk anymore. Which obviously made my adhd worse.
I wonder if there’s any study out there about consensual non-monogamy/polyamory and adhd? As someone who has adhd and is poly, I find that my physical intimacy bucket is met more often with multiple partners and the adhd part of my brain that functions off of novelty is being tapped into, as well. I know a lot of my partners have adhd!
Been very high libido for my whole life, depression and meds slowed it, and prevented that big o irritatingly, but been hit with that rsd so many times it's hard... no pun intended... to trust others and get things going now...
Your conversating and the random other topics or jokes that are brought up are so similar to me especially I do when there's a topic im a little flustered at or struggling to make enough words to feel like i'm conversating is so relaxing hearing somebody talk so similar to how I do and I have been binging your videos for the past few days and you are so awesome omg!
I ended up getting shamed a bit for low sex drive through my marriage until it ended a couple years ago. I think I was just easily distracted, which I had realized after the fact while being single. Was able to work on that distraction part later and that had a good impact. I hadn't spent that time working on myself and being alone until it was too late. But with therapy and time, things have gotten better. Still rushed into some other relationships, which wasn't healthy. Learning to be content has been a process.
This had me cracking the f up! 😂😂😂 hilarious! I just discovered your channel today and holy hell it’s like watching myself! Your humor reminds me so much of me
I am so so happy you covered this topic! I’m an older gal who’s been with the same partner for almost 14 years and married for 10. I got started on anti-anxiety medicine a few years back and my sex drive was non-existent. And it lasted for almost 3 full years! I also had no interest in it whatsoever. Thankfully, my husband was and still is very patient with me, and no matter how ready to go he is, if I’m not, he says that’s alright and we’ll try another time. Before the anti-anxiety meds my libido was running marathons, and then it was a couch potato. It’s taking some time to get it going again, but it is getting better. We have both talked about introducing toys back into the game as well, so I think he’s going to be super excited when I can put my Bellesa order in on payday. 😂 Thank you for a great video Hayley!
im a high libido person in a relationship with a low libido person and it's difficult because obviously I'm going to respect my partner's wishes but yeah it still feels bad to get rejected. im not poly and the idea of having sex outside of my relationship makes me really uncomfortable so idk
this was the MOST validating video i’ve ever seen in my life. i had no idea why i always felt so horny and then just. nothing. and also like, seeking kinky sex for the dopamine rush??? wow that’s eye opening. also didn’t know that adhders struggle with physical sensation and that’s making everything click. thank you so much for this video, it is allowing me to actually seek out the things i need to manage and regulate myself and my sex life. thank you thank you thank you!!!!😊
Sex is difficult... very difficult: - unmedicated, sex is hard because I get distracted which kills the performance - medicated (atomoxetine), the medication helps with the distraction, but it's killing the physical ability to perform And all that, with a rather high libido. Before medication, I ventured into all sorts of crazy acts to get enough stimulation and keep my head in the space to make it work for myself. Nowadays, I rarely (read: never) initiate, because I had so many bad experiences with my own performance.
I don't know if You are a person with penis and if You have sex with men*, women* or all genders. But from an older pan-/bisexual cis-female perspective let me say something to "performance": I would not need something like that. More a person I feel connected to. I can talk about what I like or not. Can laugh with even in bed (or whereever). And as I liked lesbian sex more then the one with most cis-men in the past (not at all, otherwhise I would have given that up) I'd really like to remind people with penisses that HANDS (or lips, ...) are more important for most women* to have good sex. I hope that could be helpful.
I'm male and this is not about her pleasure. I can provide her a good time. But she can't return the favour (or at least it's very difficult/exhausting and doesn't always work). And this kills the mood for me too. Anyway, I've read that this is not uncommon for the meds I take. I've also read that the sexual ability may come back after taking it for more than half a year. I'm not there yet. So there's still some hope. If this doesn't work, I'll probably change meds and see if something else works better.
@@hagnbike agh, see. But also have heard the problems You have and not same, but comparable. And I tried anti-depressants before and they had the same effect on my always very high libido and I was also very pissed at first. They just didn't help me (haha, was no depression but autism added to the ADHD, so no wonder) so I stopped them, but not because of the libido-problems. Which doesn't mean that is not a valuable thing to think about changing meds, no! You know best what will be helpful. Nobody should dare to "know better", I definitly can't and don't want to. Just want to share own experience and maybe something could be helpful for You too. Of cause I can't say from own body-experience, but let me say I had a lot of experience with a variety of men in different age, don't want to explain more here ;-) It had been also job related but not what some could think now. Older men often have prostata-carcinoms and the operations then cause not same but equal problems. Also talked to a men who is paralysed after an accident. All said this "forced" them to find other ways to enjoy sexual stimulation and of cause that sucks, but they found it then very interesting and enriching to explore simulation on other body parts that gave them a lot of pleasure or made them come. And also for men that for a time had problems to come as before and later came back to same as before body-experience it was enriching on the long run, it changed their sex life positive. Not that everything bad has always also a good side, hell no!!!! Some things just suck! And You never want to look back and just punch everyone in the face who dares to say "every bad experience in life is a lesson we needed" or bullshit like that. Just that if sometimes things cannot be changed (in that moment) to try out if something could be helpful one wouldn't try out in other situations CAN unlock nice surprises and experiences. And often just TALKING about takes a lot of pressure and frustration out of it. It is also okay if things are just tiring and unpleasant. Sometimes it's just like that. Just best wishes :-)
I started off on the hyper sexual side with my husband and stayed there for 9 years and it was like a switch flicked and it became a chore and for the last 10 years I've had a low drive, but I miss the high drive feeling.
Hmm. I had always had a very high libido when I was young, but had no ADHD or AUDHD diagnose. ADHD (inattentive type) around 30 and autism now end fourties. So I had no idea that wanting sex could be also (!) "wanting dopamine" or just be a stim to calm myself. Unfortunatly even I was always very open to talk about sex, experimenting, had a lot, I was simply not able to make myself an orgasm until age 28, 29 (?). Yep. The other way round then most women. I easily came having sex with someone, but on my own nothing worked. So I NEEDED to go to parties to find "someone" for one-night-stands or had relationships I just started with a hook-up and stayed in for getting sex mostly. I felt bad about, not feminist enough, something really wrong with me. And of cause it caused dangerous situations and stress. Turns out: I simply needed really strong simulation as alone I was just in the mood to get an orgasm, but was not stimulated BEFORE like if someone really is wanting You (which kicks me, of cause). Then I bought for a friend who was to shy to enter a sexshop (before one bought things online, gen-zers, we we're gen-x😉) a tool in a nice queer erotic bookshop that also sold tools, bondage tape, ecological tasty body powder and things like that. Really nice shop here in Berlin/Germany and awsom lesbian owners, sadly doesn't exist anymore. So I bought her one the owner said "that one has REALLY power" as birtday present. It looked more like a small flashlight in blue-white or lilac and one had to put in to AA-Batteries, was also waterproof. Ok, she sent me a message like "from zero to hundred in five seconds, You saved my audition, thanks" (was opera-singer). That made me get one for myself. Well, I loved that little thing a lot and from that day I had just very little short affairs and one three year relationship. Stay mostly single and prefer it to be mostly alone. Now I have tried out a lot and have some I like. It is a bit embarrassing to say, but to have had this decades before would have had changed my life to much better. With those tools (like the ones Hayley showed in the video, but european companies) it works well an quick and I haven't thought of having one-night-stands or activly searching for a partner. I don't need one in my life. It's hard to say, because it means I just used the most persons in my past, they were exchangeble. I was in love two times with people, and that for minimum ten years but in relationship with them less then a year; I just need more alonetime then most other and also liked to have much more sex then them. Now I have no problem if I stay alone for the rest of my life. Yes, sex with another person is nice, maybe "better", but I just want to have a relationship if I am ever so in love again how I had been once and we also really fit together, too. So one could say, tools changed my life😂 And saved me a lot of time, stress and money.
Whoa, Nelly. This randomly showed up in my feed and holy moly. This explains so much! I watched one otber video about rejection, and it explains things with me SO MUCH. Time to binge, thank you! ❤
What a great video. I definitely get too distracted by the rest of life to remember that sex exists most of the time. Lol. I used to have a huge special interest in sex and relationships and learning all about it and that has faded so I rarely think about sex.
Add in ASD and it make for a problem situation. My libido has lot lowered since i was a teenager and i am in my 50's and more time single than in a relationship. which all that does is make life dificult at time.
I’m 19 and I have never had sex but I crave it tbh my libido gets so high before my period. I have always wanted to try toys but it’s so embarrassing, like I have a bad relationship with myself. Any tips 😭
Okay, honey, I start the "mom-talk"😅: the higher libido before period is a very common thing, as in the middle of the circle. Biology just makes us horny when fertility is optimized🤷🏽♀️. One very simple thing I found out after the toy-thing is good lubrics. I prefare the ones with silicone, as they work longer. The water based "dry out", You need more quick and that distracts me. Problem with Silicon based lubrics is that they can destroy the material of good toys, so if one likes to use things like dildos and use silicone based lubrics same time better protect dildos with condoms (which is also good if used with partners to prevent STDs). But for vibration or these other things like "womanizer"-like toys (forgot the englisch word for what they do) who I really like to suggest to every person with clitoris, just use non-silicon lubrics with them. Feels a bit weird to talk about, but as I wished someone had told me earlier: it is not a thing a woman is not on the mood for sex and "dry" why lubrics are nice. That has never been a problem for me. But it just feels very good. Different. And I think the combination of not having the stress in my had not to come having toys that allways work plus this lubric made me then (end-twenty) finally come at self-sex without toys. But it needs a lot more time and often I am not in the mood for that😅. I hope I could help, if not or You have a specific question feel free to ask.
@@katzenbekloppt_mf it’s mainly the shame I feel about it because female sexuality is seen as gross by society so I just have a hard time feeling my sexuality. If I make sense
@@Iseeblue1may I ask where you live? Bc I feel like western society is much more open with that nowadays. What actually helps is talking to friends. We’ve had a girls night out a couple of weeks ago (ok it was beer and chips on a couch but whatever) and one of us asked how long we take with a certain toy, so we discussed 😅 it takes a while to get comfortable with the topic and you gotta have good friends but that definitely helps
@@Iseeblue1hm, I grew up with a mother that herself was raised in a way that sex is something "dirty" You maybe do if married but please do not talk about. Very much that protestant "It's a sin" stuff. So in the beginning tauchen myself felt dirty and forbidden in a bad way. But I then just changed my mind as I liked having sex. I am sorry I am not able to explain HOW. I simply don't remember as it is a long time ago and I think it hasn't been to bad because otherwhise I would remember. And as a teenager I then had friends I did talk about. I moved out age 17, was very rebellious as a teen. But I know that in some areas of the US it can be very different then me grewing up maybe decades earlier, but next to a very big city with an international harbour (Hamburg), where people from all over the world come together, a very liberal space. I had a lot of gay friends, lived with one together. To imagine to have no friend to talk about and raised (?) in a mindset that to have lust for sex as a woman is something gross is hard. I am sorry You feel that way. I wish I could say something and it all goes away. But I can't. There are some things we don't want to believe, because our mind says "no, I don't agree with that and decided to put that away". But the emotions stick often to this beliefs we grew up with. Believe me, with some I still battle. There is no better advice I can give You as to ask Yourself again and again "What do I feel?" (Which is really not easy to find out often, especially for autistic people like me), and then "if this feels goid/bad, to I want to keep that or change?" Then into what, what for, ... But to do on Your own It's very hard. I don't know if there is any possibility for something like therapy available for You nearby? Or if not or You prefer it maybe online counceling? If You are 19, maybe there is a change coming like going to college after high-school? It is night here and I want to go to sleep now, but I'll check my Emails for notifications and we can go on "talking" for a bit. Maybe a small practibel thing You could do if You want for now. To start a new, maybe better relationship with Your body do something nice for and with it. If possible take a comfortable bath, with some music, scents You like, bubble-bath or whatever You like. Not to have a "sexy-time", just to enjoy your body, feel what You like and what not. Very hot water or not? How's the light. Is Your mind very busy? Is there something to calm it down a bit? Stretch Your body in the water, wash it gently. Or scrub intensiv with a luffa. Just try out what feels nice and then remember to do that more often. After bathing, give your scin back some mouisture and cream yourself, and while doing that give yourself a little hug, put the lotion on like one would do in a very gentle way too give a child or ill person comfort by doing it. Just a little practise in self love and exploring our own body to build a good relationship with it. Before we feel safe enough to have sex with another person we mostly need first a good relationship. So therefor this soft begin. I hope it is a bit useful for You, have to sleep now as my eyes just want to close. Send You a hig if You need one.
I’m dyspraxic and nearly 20 and only just realised that I might enjoy doing the naughty for stimulating reasons like I enjoy the extreme touch and sensory experience
I actually never thought about why vanilla isn't enough for me but it makes sense now. On the other hand I get distracted while doing the not vanilla stuff so I am actually never having these good moments ;-;
"a drug or other substance that affects mood or behavior and is consumed for nonmedical purposes, especially one sold illegally" so, if she tends towards addiction, all meds are narcotics.
Are ADHD medications considered controlled substances? Yes, most medications used to treat ADHD, including the various types of methylphenidate (such as Ritalin and Concerta) and amphetamine (such as Adderall), are considered controlled substances.
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As someone on the low libido end of the spectrum, I find that I often don’t start being interested in the act until later in the process, so I find it helpful to make a logical decision to start and figure out later on if I want to continue rather than make a decision based on my level of desire in the beginning. Otherwise I would never do it! I also sometimes will tell my partner if I’m not feeling sexual but am open to being intimate- so we can adjust the nature of the act to be more emotional rather than physical, and we can both enjoy it.
Thank you for sharing. I was on the high libido side of things when I was much younger, but very much on the low libido end for the last 10 years. I often treat social activities similarly to what you described, I don't know why I didn't think to do it with this issue, probably because it seems more embarrassing/distressing to possibly disappoint my partner. Anyway, thanks again for sharing!
@@laurenhoover6024 so glad this is helpful! Honestly took a lot of convos with my partner for us to both be okay with me not being fully “into it” from the start, and I try to compensate when I am feeling into it to make him feel wanted. But it’s better than how it was before! I also find that talking to each other about what we were doing (describing it, as if it’s over the phone) helped me be more in the moment and limited my brain’s capacity to be distracted and thus less interested.
Absolutely the same here. I usually tell my boyfriend it's about time to do it again...and they we both take a shower and then we start. 😂
Romance lever -9000. 🤣
But it works abd the sex itself is a 10/10. ❤
I’m trying to think of some sort of “Neuro-Spicy” joke here but I’m too distracted by Hayley’s ChaCha Slide reference 😂
As a queer AUDHD-er I feel it’s easier to really be present during sex when I’m topping since I’m the one making the decisions- I have to pay attention a lot more. I’ve struggled a lot more bottoming because if my partner isn’t overwhelming my senses or getting just the right spot, I get bored/spacey😭 I’m trying to work on this with better communication and getting more comfortable with my partner.
I 100% agree with the exercise point! Ive been sick lately so I haven’t been able to lift weights as much. I’ve noticed such a crazy difference in my mood, and how connected I feel in my body
Cis-female pan-bi here. Absolutly get it. But just if I have sex with men! There to use a position to am able to "control the ride" (don't have english words to say, sorry, not my mothertongue 🤷🏽♀️).
With women it's very different. But I guess because we talk better about needs, wishes? And have more time with each other? Or because I feel mostly emotionally more connected?
I guess it's mostly the point that (cis-)men get easily stressed if You SAY You get distracted, want to pause, try it in a different way. So as I then don't want to cause a fight (worst case) or make them feel bad spmehow, unsecure (?) I just go on and then finally am out of the game.
If this sounds familiar to You somehow, maybe over-think it for a while if You want to get a happy vers😉😘
This is a great resource! I’m AuDHD and also sex favourable Asexual. Learning more about the experiences and nuance within the asexual umbrella has really helped me navigate my relationship to my body and needs. In particular understanding what specifically I’m looking for in any given experience like your example around “risky play” where it becomes not just informative but helpful to know what sensation, social, emotional, and cognitive experiences I’m looking for and then tailoring my activities and desires to those rather than just assuming any kind of sexytimes is equivalent and “desired”. I really encourage everyone to explore nuanced Asexual community discussion whether or not you personally resonate with the label I find that these diverse communities offer invaluable insight into the human experience and can better inform our own.
As an AuDHDer on the low libido spectrum, I actually don't find the emotional foreplay fun at all. And it isn't just with my husband, it has been through all my relationships. If they start in the morning with "you are so beautiful, yada yada, butt squeeze, yada yada" ok. But then when it happens again later in the day, then again some hours later. I start feeling turned off, pressured and anxious, rather than turned on. My brain starts thinking, "ok, I get it, you want sex, just leave me alone right now I'm busy". However, I do need my partner to initiate, because I could go forever without ever thinking about having sex.
I’d suggest working towards a more tactile relationship overall so it’s not so clearly linked to sx, and that becomes a new baseline for your senses
What you're feeling is pressure and expectations. Talk about it with your partner, make sure he's comfortable with you saying no at any point during the process. I agree with @msmiami212, making your relationship more tactile will also relieve the pressure of "he squeezed my butt, do I want sex? No, not now so I must tell him the first time he does it. So it doesn't build expectations." It's 100% about him and not you. Doesn't give you time to get in the mood and puts pressure on an immediate decision.
I’m still exploring this topic in therapy and probing into past traumas, but this made me feel a little more understood . Simply you describing how the low libido ADHD-ers (me) need the build up because we’re constantly thinking of other things and the come-on feels out of nowhere…but as the other person mentioned above; I feel like for me I would know what they’re “up to” and i would then get demand avoidance. I can’t find the key to unlock this and I can’t even describe how frustrating and devastating it is. I just end up feeling like a problem.
Super relatable
Goodnessssss, I relate to this so much. Thank you for putting it in words, even if I also cannot figure it out, maybe I can at least explain to my partner what my brain is up to because I feel like a terrible partner!
This definitely makes sense to me. My partner and I have very different sex drives, she has a higher one and I have a very low one. And I do think emotional foreplay does help, but a lot of factors have to fall into place for me to want to have sex and she knows that. But she still gives me consistent attention and affection every day without any expectations being tied to it. Yes she does express her want for sex to me often, kind of like an opening for me to initiate if I want to, but she never ever pressures me so it doesn’t feel like a demand.
I am so so happy you covered this topic! I’m an older gal who’s been with the same partner for almost 14 years and married for 10. I got started on anti-anxiety medicine a few years back and my sex drive was non-existent. And it lasted for almost 3 full years! I also had no interest in it whatsoever. Thankfully, my husband was and still is very patient with me, and no matter how ready to go he is, if I’m not, he says that’s alright and we’ll try another time.
Before the anti-anxiety meds my libido was running marathons, and then it was a couch potato. It’s taking some time to get it going again, but it is getting better. We have both talked about introducing toys back into the game as well, so I think he’s going to be super excited when I can put my Bellesa order in on payday. 😂 Thank you for a great video Hayley!
Refreshing to see a discussion I have not read in a clinician's book on ADHD. Your new book is amazingly helpful too BTW, as a clinician with ADHD who is tired of reading ADHD books by clinicians you are an amazing conduit that makes the topic interesting (above video as an example). I think it is important to note how this dynamic can erode the relationship over time. I have experienced RSD and emotion dysregulation, as well as not feeling I have had enough stimulation in my relationship, and it affected sex (and vice versa). After years, it was hard to determine which came first, the problems with the relationship, and the problems with sex. It is also a struggle when you feel like you cannot take medication, and you just cannot find footing with your partner because of the sense of overwhelm with life and your relationship/sex life.
That coal/Cole joke was perfection 😂😂
😂 thank you thank you
I have a high sex drive. And usually seek excitement, and trying out everything. But that has gotten me in some terrible and also dangerous situations, because I somehow forget about the consequences. I also just tune out during sex. Thinking about everything else during the act, even though I am also trying to enjoy it. It's always been a struggle for me 🙈 Thank you for talking about this topic ❤️👍 great video.
Do you think demand avoidance can show up around sex?
YEP! 100% I think this shows up when it feels like a task
I can relate with the exercising. It does work and help with libido and mind regulation. I'm a completely different person if I exercise everyday. It shouldn't really be an option for me. It's a must.
And If I'm not emotionally deeply connected to someone and it's actively worked on or grown from their side my body shuts off. Always been that way. Even if I really love them. It's not a decision I make. It's just how I'm wired.
Also been around the block with the whole self exploration journey. It's not the same for me if by myself. Atleast by now I know my body. It's more about emotional intimicy for me. It's like a combo. The emotions and pleasure works together like a bomb. If the emotions/deep connection of being known and "together," are gone the pleasure won't pleasure.
I the single pringle right now. But looking forward to the future. For now I'm just enjoying other "forms" of pleasure.
I think it's a good thing to be able to be without it and not HAVE to have to 😂
All the best with everyone's journeys ✌️🙂
I'm on the lower spectrum of the sex drive and for me the sex drive always comes during the act itself but not in the beginning so i often find excuses to not have sex even though i know i like having sex with my boyfriend but my brain is sometimes really weird and also don't shut up during sex which is annoying sometimes haha and btw I LOVE YOUR HONESTY on this topic, you're so real for this and i love it
Omg this is way too relatable
All of this. I've had trouble explaining to my partner what I need and I'm just going to show him this and share with my therapist so they can share it with their other neurospicy patients ❤🎉
One issue I've had as an auAdhd-er, is that sometimes I get too impacted to take the time with myself that I need, to work myself up to release, and then I tire out before I can reach the big - O. And that's very frustrating tbh, but I've had to learn and thrn remind myself, to take things slow and not rush into things just cause I'm bored/horny lol
A can of worms used to be a classic prank. Think of black and white cartoons from Walt Disney's day. A character would offer another character something like peanuts (sold in a can). The other character would open the can, and these "worms" would come out. Big, fake worm-shaped things basically jumped out based on the force released by the lid being opened. So, opening a can of worms in metaphor refers to an uncontrolled release of something that you can't manage once they are released.
OKAY THIS IS THE INFO I NEEDED THANK YOU
❤
As someone who is autistic (potential AuDHD), I just assumed that my low libido was because I was autistic and struggle to make connections, but I am not realising that I am probably somewhere on the asexual spectrum.
Great topic! It's a topic that's not covered a lot in the neurodivergent community. The more we can share and make more people aware, the more we can help others, because some of you need to learn what the hell you are doing,haha. Maybe I should also make a video on this topic. _Why am I hearing the Chacha slide song being played? Maybe it's the neighbor..._
Hayley, thank you SO much for making this video🥺♥️🫂 (I'm so going to make my boyfriend watch this too. ♡)
Also!! I just wanted to say that I've been able to end my doom scrolling!! (Occasionally I watch some youtube shorts, but I never scroll down for a random video.) I introduced some elements of minimalism (also digital minimalism) and slow-living into my life, and they have helped me shorten my screen time a lot! I'd say one of the most important things is to have something else instead of scrolling prepared.
Just wanted to say this, if some one is trying to get out of doom scrolling and could find this helpful
thank you for this video!! i’m like you and usually have a really high sex drive but it waned a bit when i started taking meds for adhd, and now it takes forever for me to finish cuz i started taking anti depressants too 😭 it really sucks cuz i’m still mentally very horny. just takes me one billion years to finish, if at all, plus having to deal with losing interest or getting distracted halfway through 🙃
Do you have any experience with ADHD and birth control, yk like losing libido and stuff like that?
☝️ lost it completely for three years. Got off birth control and it came back. Tho this is actually a common issue if you take hormones of any sort for birth control. Idk if it actually affected my adhd other than making me not want to move anymore. I became a couch potato and didn’t wanna exercise let alone even walk anymore. Which obviously made my adhd worse.
"Don't do the math." I'M SORRY I ALREADY DID THE MATH (don't worry bby I'm older anyway)
I wonder if there’s any study out there about consensual non-monogamy/polyamory and adhd? As someone who has adhd and is poly, I find that my physical intimacy bucket is met more often with multiple partners and the adhd part of my brain that functions off of novelty is being tapped into, as well. I know a lot of my partners have adhd!
I feel this!! I also an poly and have ADHD and often find myself wondering why I act differently with other partners when it comes to intimacy.
Been very high libido for my whole life, depression and meds slowed it, and prevented that big o irritatingly, but been hit with that rsd so many times it's hard... no pun intended... to trust others and get things going now...
Your conversating and the random other topics or jokes that are brought up are so similar to me especially I do when there's a topic im a little flustered at or struggling to make enough words to feel like i'm conversating is so relaxing hearing somebody talk so similar to how I do and I have been binging your videos for the past few days and you are so awesome omg!
I ended up getting shamed a bit for low sex drive through my marriage until it ended a couple years ago. I think I was just easily distracted, which I had realized after the fact while being single. Was able to work on that distraction part later and that had a good impact. I hadn't spent that time working on myself and being alone until it was too late. But with therapy and time, things have gotten better. Still rushed into some other relationships, which wasn't healthy. Learning to be content has been a process.
One challenge i face as someone who is audhd, is staying in tune with my body during the act
This had me cracking the f up! 😂😂😂 hilarious! I just discovered your channel today and holy hell it’s like watching myself! Your humor reminds me so much of me
I am so so happy you covered this topic! I’m an older gal who’s been with the same partner for almost 14 years and married for 10. I got started on anti-anxiety medicine a few years back and my sex drive was non-existent. And it lasted for almost 3 full years! I also had no interest in it whatsoever. Thankfully, my husband was and still is very patient with me, and no matter how ready to go he is, if I’m not, he says that’s alright and we’ll try another time.
Before the anti-anxiety meds my libido was running marathons, and then it was a couch potato. It’s taking some time to get it going again, but it is getting better. We have both talked about introducing toys back into the game as well, so I think he’s going to be super excited when I can put my Bellesa order in on payday. 😂 Thank you for a great video Hayley!
im a high libido person in a relationship with a low libido person and it's difficult because obviously I'm going to respect my partner's wishes but yeah it still feels bad to get rejected. im not poly and the idea of having sex outside of my relationship makes me really uncomfortable so idk
this was the MOST validating video i’ve ever seen in my life. i had no idea why i always felt so horny and then just. nothing. and also like, seeking kinky sex for the dopamine rush??? wow that’s eye opening. also didn’t know that adhders struggle with physical sensation and that’s making everything click. thank you so much for this video, it is allowing me to actually seek out the things i need to manage and regulate myself and my sex life. thank you thank you thank you!!!!😊
Sex is difficult... very difficult:
- unmedicated, sex is hard because I get distracted which kills the performance
- medicated (atomoxetine), the medication helps with the distraction, but it's killing the physical ability to perform
And all that, with a rather high libido. Before medication, I ventured into all sorts of crazy acts to get enough stimulation and keep my head in the space to make it work for myself.
Nowadays, I rarely (read: never) initiate, because I had so many bad experiences with my own performance.
I don't know if You are a person with penis and if You have sex with men*, women* or all genders.
But from an older pan-/bisexual cis-female perspective let me say something to "performance":
I would not need something like that. More a person I feel connected to. I can talk about what I like or not. Can laugh with even in bed (or whereever). And as I liked lesbian sex more then the one with most cis-men in the past (not at all, otherwhise I would have given that up) I'd really like to remind people with penisses that HANDS (or lips, ...) are more important for most women* to have good sex.
I hope that could be helpful.
I'm male and this is not about her pleasure. I can provide her a good time. But she can't return the favour (or at least it's very difficult/exhausting and doesn't always work). And this kills the mood for me too.
Anyway, I've read that this is not uncommon for the meds I take. I've also read that the sexual ability may come back after taking it for more than half a year. I'm not there yet. So there's still some hope.
If this doesn't work, I'll probably change meds and see if something else works better.
@@hagnbike agh, see. But also have heard the problems You have and not same, but comparable. And I tried anti-depressants before and they had the same effect on my always very high libido and I was also very pissed at first. They just didn't help me (haha, was no depression but autism added to the ADHD, so no wonder) so I stopped them, but not because of the libido-problems. Which doesn't mean that is not a valuable thing to think about changing meds, no! You know best what will be helpful. Nobody should dare to "know better", I definitly can't and don't want to. Just want to share own experience and maybe something could be helpful for You too.
Of cause I can't say from own body-experience, but let me say I had a lot of experience with a variety of men in different age, don't want to explain more here ;-) It had been also job related but not what some could think now.
Older men often have prostata-carcinoms and the operations then cause not same but equal problems. Also talked to a men who is paralysed after an accident. All said this "forced" them to find other ways to enjoy sexual stimulation and of cause that sucks, but they found it then very interesting and enriching to explore simulation on other body parts that gave them a lot of pleasure or made them come. And also for men that for a time had problems to come as before and later came back to same as before body-experience it was enriching on the long run, it changed their sex life positive.
Not that everything bad has always also a good side, hell no!!!! Some things just suck! And You never want to look back and just punch everyone in the face who dares to say "every bad experience in life is a lesson we needed" or bullshit like that.
Just that if sometimes things cannot be changed (in that moment) to try out if something could be helpful one wouldn't try out in other situations CAN unlock nice surprises and experiences. And often just TALKING about takes a lot of pressure and frustration out of it. It is also okay if things are just tiring and unpleasant. Sometimes it's just like that.
Just best wishes :-)
I started off on the hyper sexual side with my husband and stayed there for 9 years and it was like a switch flicked and it became a chore and for the last 10 years I've had a low drive, but I miss the high drive feeling.
Good for you I love this video!!! I’m AuDHD and am asexual but of course I watched this video 😂 so educational
Hmm. I had always had a very high libido when I was young, but had no ADHD or AUDHD diagnose. ADHD (inattentive type) around 30 and autism now end fourties.
So I had no idea that wanting sex could be also (!) "wanting dopamine" or just be a stim to calm myself.
Unfortunatly even I was always very open to talk about sex, experimenting, had a lot, I was simply not able to make myself an orgasm until age 28, 29 (?). Yep. The other way round then most women. I easily came having sex with someone, but on my own nothing worked. So I NEEDED to go to parties to find "someone" for one-night-stands or had relationships I just started with a hook-up and stayed in for getting sex mostly. I felt bad about, not feminist enough, something really wrong with me. And of cause it caused dangerous situations and stress.
Turns out: I simply needed really strong simulation as alone I was just in the mood to get an orgasm, but was not stimulated BEFORE like if someone really is wanting You (which kicks me, of cause). Then I bought for a friend who was to shy to enter a sexshop (before one bought things online, gen-zers, we we're gen-x😉) a tool in a nice queer erotic bookshop that also sold tools, bondage tape, ecological tasty body powder and things like that. Really nice shop here in Berlin/Germany and awsom lesbian owners, sadly doesn't exist anymore.
So I bought her one the owner said "that one has REALLY power" as birtday present. It looked more like a small flashlight in blue-white or lilac and one had to put in to AA-Batteries, was also waterproof. Ok, she sent me a message like "from zero to hundred in five seconds, You saved my audition, thanks" (was opera-singer). That made me get one for myself. Well, I loved that little thing a lot and from that day I had just very little short affairs and one three year relationship. Stay mostly single and prefer it to be mostly alone.
Now I have tried out a lot and have some I like.
It is a bit embarrassing to say, but to have had this decades before would have had changed my life to much better. With those tools (like the ones Hayley showed in the video, but european companies) it works well an quick and I haven't thought of having one-night-stands or activly searching for a partner. I don't need one in my life.
It's hard to say, because it means I just used the most persons in my past, they were exchangeble.
I was in love two times with people, and that for minimum ten years but in relationship with them less then a year; I just need more alonetime then most other and also liked to have much more sex then them.
Now I have no problem if I stay alone for the rest of my life. Yes, sex with another person is nice, maybe "better", but I just want to have a relationship if I am ever so in love again how I had been once and we also really fit together, too.
So one could say, tools changed my life😂
And saved me a lot of time, stress and money.
Thank you for sharing your experience! It’s definitely helpful
@@Iseeblue1 Happy to hear that!
I’m so happy to have found your channel 😊thanks for creating it
Great topic!
Whoa, Nelly. This randomly showed up in my feed and holy moly. This explains so much! I watched one otber video about rejection, and it explains things with me SO MUCH. Time to binge, thank you! ❤
What a great video. I definitely get too distracted by the rest of life to remember that sex exists most of the time. Lol. I used to have a huge special interest in sex and relationships and learning all about it and that has faded so I rarely think about sex.
Add in ASD and it make for a problem situation. My libido has lot lowered since i was a teenager and i am in my 50's and more time single than in a relationship. which all that does is make life dificult at time.
This is super validating. Thank you!
loved this video! would be amazing if you did a follow up video regarding the relationship between sex and autism in particular as well
Furious jumping 🎉
I’m 19 and I have never had sex but I crave it tbh my libido gets so high before my period. I have always wanted to try toys but it’s so embarrassing, like I have a bad relationship with myself. Any tips 😭
Okay, honey, I start the "mom-talk"😅: the higher libido before period is a very common thing, as in the middle of the circle. Biology just makes us horny when fertility is optimized🤷🏽♀️.
One very simple thing I found out after the toy-thing is good lubrics. I prefare the ones with silicone, as they work longer. The water based "dry out", You need more quick and that distracts me. Problem with Silicon based lubrics is that they can destroy the material of good toys, so if one likes to use things like dildos and use silicone based lubrics same time better protect dildos with condoms (which is also good if used with partners to prevent STDs).
But for vibration or these other things like "womanizer"-like toys (forgot the englisch word for what they do) who I really like to suggest to every person with clitoris, just use non-silicon lubrics with them.
Feels a bit weird to talk about, but as I wished someone had told me earlier: it is not a thing a woman is not on the mood for sex and "dry" why lubrics are nice. That has never been a problem for me. But it just feels very good. Different. And I think the combination of not having the stress in my had not to come having toys that allways work plus this lubric made me then (end-twenty) finally come at self-sex without toys. But it needs a lot more time and often I am not in the mood for that😅.
I hope I could help, if not or You have a specific question feel free to ask.
@@katzenbekloppt_mf it’s mainly the shame I feel about it because female sexuality is seen as gross by society so I just have a hard time feeling my sexuality. If I make sense
@@Iseeblue1may I ask where you live? Bc I feel like western society is much more open with that nowadays. What actually helps is talking to friends. We’ve had a girls night out a couple of weeks ago (ok it was beer and chips on a couch but whatever) and one of us asked how long we take with a certain toy, so we discussed 😅 it takes a while to get comfortable with the topic and you gotta have good friends but that definitely helps
@@Catplanty I don’t have any friends to talk to about this:( I live in the USA
@@Iseeblue1hm, I grew up with a mother that herself was raised in a way that sex is something "dirty" You maybe do if married but please do not talk about. Very much that protestant "It's a sin" stuff. So in the beginning tauchen myself felt dirty and forbidden in a bad way. But I then just changed my mind as I liked having sex. I am sorry I am not able to explain HOW. I simply don't remember as it is a long time ago and I think it hasn't been to bad because otherwhise I would remember.
And as a teenager I then had friends I did talk about. I moved out age 17, was very rebellious as a teen. But I know that in some areas of the US it can be very different then me grewing up maybe decades earlier, but next to a very big city with an international harbour (Hamburg), where people from all over the world come together, a very liberal space. I had a lot of gay friends, lived with one together.
To imagine to have no friend to talk about and raised (?) in a mindset that to have lust for sex as a woman is something gross is hard. I am sorry You feel that way. I wish I could say something and it all goes away. But I can't.
There are some things we don't want to believe, because our mind says "no, I don't agree with that and decided to put that away". But the emotions stick often to this beliefs we grew up with. Believe me, with some I still battle.
There is no better advice I can give You as to ask Yourself again and again "What do I feel?" (Which is really not easy to find out often, especially for autistic people like me), and then "if this feels goid/bad, to I want to keep that or change?" Then into what, what for, ...
But to do on Your own It's very hard.
I don't know if there is any possibility for something like therapy available for You nearby? Or if not or You prefer it maybe online counceling?
If You are 19, maybe there is a change coming like going to college after high-school?
It is night here and I want to go to sleep now, but I'll check my Emails for notifications and we can go on "talking" for a bit.
Maybe a small practibel thing You could do if You want for now.
To start a new, maybe better relationship with Your body do something nice for and with it.
If possible take a comfortable bath, with some music, scents You like, bubble-bath or whatever You like. Not to have a "sexy-time", just to enjoy your body, feel what You like and what not. Very hot water or not? How's the light. Is Your mind very busy? Is there something to calm it down a bit? Stretch Your body in the water, wash it gently. Or scrub intensiv with a luffa. Just try out what feels nice and then remember to do that more often. After bathing, give your scin back some mouisture and cream yourself, and while doing that give yourself a little hug, put the lotion on like one would do in a very gentle way too give a child or ill person comfort by doing it. Just a little practise in self love and exploring our own body to build a good relationship with it. Before we feel safe enough to have sex with another person we mostly need first a good relationship. So therefor this soft begin.
I hope it is a bit useful for You, have to sleep now as my eyes just want to close.
Send You a hig if You need one.
You had me at f*** smell 😂
I'm in the same category as you. So I feel this.
I’m dyspraxic and nearly 20 and only just realised that I might enjoy doing the naughty for stimulating reasons like I enjoy the extreme touch and sensory experience
Ask your partner to be vocal. Less chance of distraction. You’re welcome :)
"Open a can of worms"
Maybe it means the worms are squiggly and move around a lot and once you open the can they're gonna escape????
I actually never thought about why vanilla isn't enough for me but it makes sense now. On the other hand I get distracted while doing the not vanilla stuff so I am actually never having these good moments ;-;
This is such a fun, and needed video. Thank you for talking about this!!!
Did you unmask more than usual in this video - it’s excellent and 😂😂😂
Calling out the carriage scene 🤣🔥🍒🎉💦
But the f*** small is good, no?
❤ this video
My last names Cole 😂.
Loved this vid ❤
Um… narcotics? Girl I don’t think you understand what meds fall under that term lol
"a drug or other substance that affects mood or behavior and is consumed for nonmedical purposes, especially one sold illegally" so, if she tends towards addiction, all meds are narcotics.
Are ADHD medications considered controlled substances? Yes, most medications used to treat ADHD, including the various types of methylphenidate (such as Ritalin and Concerta) and amphetamine (such as Adderall), are considered controlled substances.
I found that eating carnivore has greatly changed how my ADHD affects everything.
May I ask how long you’ve been doing that? And does food boredom ever become an issue for you? The simplicity of it appeals to me.
@nogoodname909 I've been doing it for about 8 months. Yes, I do get bored from time to time. Do your research and cook ahead.