Four Negative Patterns That Predict Divorce [Full version]
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- Опубликовано: 11 сен 2024
- Dr. John Gottman on Anderson Cooper Show (Full version)
Published online on 04.18.2012
Do you fight fair or are your fights going to destroy your relationship?
World-renowned researcher on marriage and relationships, Dr. John Gottman, says there are four negative patterns that often sound familiar to fighting couples.
Gottman tells Anderson that these four elements predict divorce, and called it "the four horsemen of the apocalypse."
1. Criticism: Gottman says criticism is "really a way of fueling the attack, so you state your complaint as an attack on the other person." He noted, "It's not constructive, it winds up leading to an escalation of the conflict."
2. Contempt: "Not only is contempt the best predictor of divorce, because it's really this air of superiority. You need respect in a relationship."
3. Defensiveness: Gottman explains people need to take responsibility for the problem, and can say to the other person, "What's your point? I mean, it makes some sense what you're saying. Tell me more.'" Dr. Gottman points out that defensiveness gets in the way of two people working as a team to figure out a solution.
4. Stonewalling is also known as the silent treatment. Gottman says, "The stonewaller is really trying to calm down and not make it worse, but when you're faced with somebody who's silent like that, you escalate. So, it's a very disruptive pattern."
What's the main thing you argue about with your significant other? Dr. Gottman says the number one thing couples fight about is... nothing at all! Take a look...
According to Gottman, there are three things you should never say in a fight with a significant other. Are you guilty?
Have you said one of these three things when in a fight?
1) You never...
2) You always...
3) Anything insulting, or acted superior.
I think couples fight when their fairness circuits get tripped. In other words, if I feel my partner is not treating me fairly, I'm going to say something about it. If I don't say say something about it then the "unfair act" gets tallied up in my brain. Until one day when there are just too many tallies and I don't have the energy to restrain myself.
it’s called my chilli 🌶️ pepper moment
That lady at 3:20 totally misunderstood the point. It is not her contempt that erodes her immune system. Her contempt erodes her husband's immune system.
+alotan2acs I was thinking the same thing...agreed
+alotan2acs its feasible that it could erode both of their health because the average emotion in the relationship could be very negative for both of them. kind of like what goes around comes around.
Keeping an open ear, heart, and mind is one of the ways to have a stronger foundation for a relationship.
If my partner presented the same as the 'contempt' guy at 2:23, that would be his last presentation. No wonder so many guys like him are dumbfounded when the woman up and leaves him. Stop and really consider what you sound like before you say something that cannot be undone. Sometimes attitude IS THE ONLY THING thats memorable. You might not remember exactly what was said but you always remember how you felt.
A lot of people have one foot out the door and are just waiting for the next eyeroll to bolt out of the relationship because long-term is for quitters. Conditional love is the only type worth being worshipped with.
I would be interested in hearing more from this man.
Contempt is a natural end stage of a mismatched relationship unfortunately
7:25 with closed captioning : condom nations for condemnation - lol
what if she was right about what she was saying. she was not yelling. She was telling him what he was doing.
The four horsemen!
Very apocalyptic 🏇
I wish my wife would leave me. She unfortunately loves me too much.
😂😂😂😂
Wow
I liked everything but the title.
Dr. Gottman's study proved that these four behaviors predict divorce to a 93% certainty.
My marriage is doomed!!!!
Klimt Kahlo so how’d that go?
Yo any updates
U good @ Klimt Khalo?
Bingo, my husband won all 4 points.
👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
America XD