After 15 years married to BPD and realizing it after a year, I can give some advice. The thing to remind yourself is that when they are attacking you, it is not about you. It is often that they are not able to regulate their emotions about something else and often times it is something they exaggerate then fixate but not on the issue, they fixate on the emotion. They then direct the attack at you but they are lashing out about something that they might not be aware of, and in that moment it really isnt relevant. Being treated like this is HARD to not take attacks personally. You also have to be real that they are not able to support you fully when you are down or depressed about something. They listen BUT they could always use that against you later so it makes resentment that you do everything for them but you know you cannot rely on them, OR you might regret it later. Because they are impulsive it is like being a parent and you have to learn to filter what you say, either about your own experience or something they might twist around to take as a criticism. They can completely hear the opposite of what you say, for me this is the most challenging. It is exhausting but understanding that they didnt learn how to deal with emotions and they usually suffered some abuse as a kid it means they really are not to blame or evil people. They HATE themselves in their minds and they fighting themselves. They do not think they deserve good things and that is part of why they sabotage but they also threaten sabotage to test reactions, OR just to get reactions without thinking about how their impulsive behaviors have consequences, or for those more narcissistic they just do not care. In that dysregulated time they do not care about consequences. They regress to acting like a 3 year old, tantrums and all. THE ONLY way to deal with that, is to make boundaries. Calmly saying, I know you are upset but right now Im going to step away so we both can calm our emotions. When you are ready I am willing try to talk so we can hear each other . It does not always work, BUT remember that there are two sides to them and THEY are also battling that crappy side because they didnt learn behaviors to deal with emotions or behaviors that consider others emotions. If they can realize that and make the effort to see those patterns they can change behaviors however times of stress will trigger them. Again the difficult part is being real that you cannot rely on them as you would like from a partner and it is an off balance relationship but that is also the case if your spouse had a physical disability.
Don't want to live in that type of relationship. It isn't good for a person who has no psych issues to live with a BPD person. Not worth it. My partner wouldn't go to individual therapy so I walked out. Done.
You're right... Absolutely right... But just because it's not personal doesn't justify it. Just because they have BPD and feel this way or that doesn't justify it.. and at the end of the day, the world doesn't care about the reasons for your behavior, they simply care about the action... If you were to punch somebody in the face, and try to justify it by saying, "Yeah I did that, but I was mad and I'm justified for feeling that way".... Feelings and actions are two different things. Imo, a person is 100% valid for feeling however they feel, whether it's reasonable or not, but behavior is totally different.
They can't seem to handle when someone actually treats them well. It's bizarre. Thank you Ashley for your continued work. I had no idea about this disorder until I experienced it, and even after 2 years no contact I am still trying to heal from it.
I'm in a similar place. It's the most difficult shadow work, ego stuff I've dealt with in my life. What you said about then not being able to handle when someone treats them right resonates. I believe in her mind, love and intimacy, compassion became divorced if eachother. It was a barely cloaked power game of reward and punishment How can they accept reward from the peasantry? She was the one in control of this monkey circus. It was she who set the scene and pick the costumes. Then she would hit the wall and deflate, and the fear would haunt her. Maybe she wasn't all that after all. Then groveling love bomber would be on my doorstep with a bottle of wine and smudged mascara. Talking some shit about star seeds and the light. Exhausting.
As someone with BPD who was recently on the receiving end of this dynamic, I've realized how absolutely painful it can be. It's the worst and I think it's fair to be primarily sympathetic towards the person on the receiving end of that pedestal => devaluation => repeat cycle. Just to add another perspective in here, though, some of us with BPD actually do recognize we engage in this pattern. It's incredibly alarming how it can all "make sense" and seem rational to orchestrate this cycle. It can manifest in enough different and nuanced ways that one might never realize that cycle was happening until they really dig deep and reflect. It's not anybody else's responsibility to address this, of course. I've accepted that and it's a major reason I avoid close relationships (at least until I feel like my DBT skills are reflexive enough that I can "keep up" with a relationship without needing to slow arguments and conflicts down so I can refresh myself on a particular DBT skill and practice it). BPD is a terrible disease for everyone it affects. I would not wish any of it (not the disease itself nor the displeasure of being caught in an abusive relationship with someone who struggles with it) on my worst enemy.
@@BigChungus-bc8nm This guy is probably early on in the recover process. It's helpful to be angry at this point. Give it time and he will feel sorry for them. Because they didn't ask for this disease, the people they hurt will eventually get out, but the pwBPD never will.
After dating nearly 6-8 different abusive cluster-b personalities, I've realized that I've had to unlearn A LOT and NO ONE is worth throwing your whole identity and life away. That's not love. That's martyrdom.
After going through a breakup like this (or more OMG), simply know, that the person you loved was actually the person: prior to, during, and after the breakup “argument”/discard. The person you fell in love with was an illusion of what they thought you wanted from them. Can you remember when the timeframe was when the devaluation begun? Good luck and I hope this helps.
When my relationship with my BPD, narcissistic, antisocial partner ended the part of recovery that I struggled with(and still do to a lesser degree) was accepting that the black and white thinking, the pedestal to devaluation was not something I could change and it created my own black and white thinking. I began to view my partner as two people. One who loved my with passion and intensity and one who hated me and wanted to destroy me. Her flip flopping triggered my own flip flopping and created this exhausting push pull tragedy. It wasn't until I properly researched into all cluster B personality types that I started to see that this flip flopping wasn't something I could change. The instability, object inconsistency was out of my control and it's just looking for that special person to manifest with.
I have battled insecurity. Im nearly actualized. But I attract BPDs and Narcs like mad. Im dead and over it. But it amazes me how insecure BPDs are. Theres no end.
I was living this pedestal/devaluation for a year with my now ex gf. I hung on so tightly and lost my identity in the process. I had to self rescue was incredible hard to do. It’s only been 2 weeks and I’m still hurting but I’m hopeful and working on powering up my self care and focusing on becoming more securely attached.
I wish my ex with undiagnosed BPD traits could watch this and somehow understand. The discard is the most traumatizing and horrible experience of my life. I’m a depressed and broken mess. My ex had devalued me to the point of lying about every single thing in our relationship, completely reversing everything good and turning it into “abuse, neglect, selfishness, and hate”. I don’t know how a person who I saw as an absolute angel could wear such a mask and lie so spitefully. She is truly lost and I am almost embarrassed I was fooled for two years.
I've been in your shoes, all the way down ready to end my own life. Seek help for yourself, the journey you need to understand yourself and get on with Your life stsrts now, but you need a therapist! 🤗💪🏼
@ thanks for replying! I’ve been in therapy for a few months now and I’m actually improving slowly but surely. It will always hurt but time is healing.
@@TCFDS Good to hear that you're working on yourself, whatever you do don't end it until you really understand yourself and start to feel good about you and your life again! Ideally stay away from relationships until then as well, for your own best, you dont want this to happen again! 🤗
THANK YOU! This is the best explanation of my experience to date. I'm going on 8 years now and I still don't have parts of me back, still not 100% healed and honestly not sure I ever will be. It was the most brutal thing I've ever gone through other than childhood trauma, and like childhood trauma, I believe it may have forever changed me. Blessings and healing to us all--including our peeps with BPD. Peace everyone.
Been on this rollercoaster for years now but not to this extreme because it wasn’t romantic. She was my best friend. Once I finally realized I loved her as a person but no longer wanted her to be in my life, she’s now coming back and talking to not me, but those around me to try and have them talk to me about it. I’m so over it though. I’d lost my identity and I’m emotional drained. I’ve been working on myself and I can’t let that cycle continue. I’m just done.
The push/ pull cycle was tough , I loved her but she just couldn’t understand that her rage and disrespect was having an impact on our relationship as she saw no fault, but like this video states I was hanging on by a thread and felt like I was just there , a schmuck that couldn’t ever disagree with her or have an opinion, we had too many offs and ons to finally I reached back after 6 months apart from a 5 year relationship she tells me after insulting me that this isn’t the way I was suppose to pursue her while unbeknownst to me that she had already had another guy living with her , a month after that call I tried again then she tells me that she was married, it’s been 3 years now and her son reached out to me telling me that new guy already sleeps on the couch and he and her have two babies now. I can only imagine the stress he’s going through with her having two babies because she was bossy as F . ❤
I experienced the being on the pedestal and then a few months later, seemingly out of nowhere, devalued and this video is just so helpful…. It IS significant to dissect why and how it happens, and to learn to protect oneself. I believe they just start projecting their unfinished business with parent, onto you. This would have to be worked out separately in therapy for them, so not to overload the relationship itself. But alas that is for them to recognize and work out. Your video brings to light what could be worked out, and what cannot be worked out and defines when we need to just let the relationship go….. too much work, and not ours to do. Thank you.
Wow, you hit the nail on the head ! This is exactly what I do to my partners . How do I stop this behaviour? Can't believe how well you explained this! Thank you so much !
Thank you Ashley! Very clear and good explanation of how this kind of relationship works! Practically a perfect description of the relationship I had with my BPD ex for two whole years. I have read a lot and watched many videos about the BPD problems that occur in a relationship. I've also looked into my side of codependency with different therapists. It's been a long and difficult journey for me. Your (this) description just nailed it! Very good! Thank you so much! I thought I was fighting and trying for much too long and just let her mistreat me for all too long time. But by reading other comments here I realize that I actually got out earlier than many others. I just drew the line when she started to hit me. Something that no one should accept! Thank you again and all the best to everyone in this situation! Take care of yourself! ❤️ You are worth more than being treated like this!
The key is to not get on the pedestal when it's offered. The cycles of idealisation and devaluation will come sooner but will be less intense. Don't get into a relationship with someone who isn't serious about therapy. You aren't seen as an individual with feelings until that person has had a positive experience of attaching to a parental figure- through therapy!
Hi my wife after 18 yr married woke up one morning and end the marriage for 3 different reasons and then 5 months later moved out the family home and left me with our 3 boys she is showing most of the traits for bpd but she is convinced that she genuinely dont love me anymore and wants a divorce but i know this isnt my wife to be like this any advice please
I believe this disorder or behavior can be caused by genetics as well as environment. I was raised in the exact same environment & just 3 years apart from a sibling & we could not be any more different in our mentality, behavior & coping mechanisms.
My ex devalued me to the point i got ill just being next to him. I was just waiting for the next attack that would come out of nowhere. No, he was coward enough to never do it to my face, it was always after I left to go back home and then he'd go no contact for weeks with me trying to figure out what "I" did or didn't do to set him off. I was a shadow of my previous self. I'm trying so hard to be the person i used to be but after 2 yrs of this and Christmas in a couple of days time, it's so so hard. I wish I could feel normal again. 😢
I was going threw this on and off 5 times and it was always so amazing and she had to find a place for her kids i did so much from cleaning and fixing her old place getting her off drugs been cheated on and we were still have sex and seeing the kids and i was going fucking crazy and i was really hurt after we got clean i found out i had hiv and that was bad and she stuck by me tho. And i only asked one thing just please do not tell me if you do go with someone. I seen signs i had evidence and i could feel it and i was so mentally drained and distant a bit but if it was somthing important like somthing for the kids or do her lawndry and i asked if she would take mushrooms with me and help get grounded so i could be a better boyfriend and she said she was going out blah blah i knew it was coming and i know i cant deal with it all it took was im kinda talking to someone else and that was fine i just didnt want to know it fucking crushed me i always wanted to just die ans when i got clean i wanted to actually live life and ve happy and i was so close this time and its all to much and i have somthing in place so i can help let the kids have a better xmas and i just want her to send a location pin to someone when i ask bc im not going on fighting tooth and nail i dont have it in me im dying anyway with my kidneys being fucked no eating sleeping feeling even like i am a human vessel and nothing more iam dead inside. I wouldn't wish this upon anyone:(
Your videos have helped me to educate my partner of 8 years to help him understand what went wrong with his 35 year marriage to a borderline who abruptly discarded him with no warning in 2014. He knew nothing about BPD and the problems associated with *enabling* a spouse with BPD until I came along. I had a mother and sister with BPD so I knew a LOT about it. I still see signs of PTBSD (Post Traumatic Borderline Stress Disorder) in him but have been able to share videos, books and articles that have helped him deal with the aftermath and understand her ongoing problems (she's still trying to inveigle her way back into his life in any way, shape or form she can), and that it wasn't his fault that the marriage failed. Thanks once again Ashley for posting these valuable videos.
I see you are in ABQ. I live here as well and have found it very difficult to find anyone to talk to who has been through a similar situation. Would you be open to talking?
Im currently in a weird situation where we broke up for the millionth time so i decided to work on Myself to move on to the next one but planned to leave the state to get away but made the mistake of reaching out before leaving. She was blocked but inblocked for 20 mins call me and we had a great week together before she just shut off pretty much. Not completely out of touch but no acknowledgment of another shift if our relationship. Im okay with it as i half expected it but this is a new side of her that i have yet to see before after 2 years. One of the hardest parts is that when i commit to leaving she wants me back but if in still there for her she doesn't. Sometimes i find myself pretending I still want her just to avoid her wanting me back. I have gone through the existential part enough now that i dont really feel it so much anymore but it is confusing
Wow. I finally get it. I didn't understand the pedestal phase and now it's clear. Didn't realize that I was being Idolized and then devalued... You helped me understand what I was son for 5 yrs with a bpd partner... And yes self esteem and self worth made me want to work it and stay... And I was also codependent trying to help her solve all her unsolvable problems...
And now I get why she didn't want to let me go after horrible abusive behavior toward me. Bc of her fear of abandonment. And it's clear now how she jumped into a new relationship. It was just to spotj her fear of abandonment after I left her. I played out this cycle- you nailed it!
OMG he did the same to me !!! I almost died ! He got engaged within a month ! It really hurts, but now I can feel just sad for him, and his new victim! They will always repeat the cycle 🔁
Yes someone can have both however they share many of the same characteristics. Sometimes one condition could be diagnosed for another. Good to hear from you. How are you doing?
@LifecoachAshleyBerges I'm doing much, much better. Thank you. Today is my ex's birthday and I had been in no contact for almost 3 months. But today I broke it with a short simple text saying "Happy Birthday. " That was all. No more no less. I just felt bad not knowing how she is feeling on her birthday, and I couldn't help just trying to do something positive as a birthday wish for her. I don't expect to hear from her, and I'm ok with that. I just have empathy for the illness she has to go through everyday of her life. Thank you for asking Ashley. 🙏
Good to hear from you. I respect you reaching out to tell her Happy Birthday even with no contact in place. You care. And I respect that you don't have any expectations of hearing from her. Hope you are doing well today!@@Nevermoredork
@LifecoachAshleyBerges Thank you Ashley. Your videos have been a major part of my healing. Thank you for helping people in my situation. Just know that your videos make a difference!🙏
Thank you, I am glad I can help! I am thankful for your healing and successfully moving on emotionally and mentally. It is consistent work and dedication and some days are easier than others. Keep me in the loop of how you are feeling!@@Nevermoredork
Dated a quiet BPD woman, recently divorced from a narcissituc jerk. She rapidly devalued me after a month of treating me like I was her man. Then ghosted me, until I confronted her 9 months later, and she admitted she had ran off with some jerk that treated her as badly as her ex husband and was seeking help to fix her issue. She went on to say she was uncomfortable with how nice of a man I am. Wow!!!
Good to hear from you. That is very true, often people are not comfortable with nice women or nice men. The ghosting is horrible and painful to deal with. How are you doing?
Dude same. Just went through this in the fall with a woman. Literally ghosted and disappeared in the middle of a perfectly normal conversation. Then after a few weeks blocked me on social media. She just reached out 3 weeks ago after 3 months of NC with some BS apology and was gone as quick as she showed back up. Sucks...
Yeah my ex ran off before ending it with me and got pregnant within the first month and told me he was everything I wasn’t that she felt she deserved. Bullshit lol he was a carbon copy of her ex.
Hang In there it’s crazy how similar so many stories are. We have to remember, though have some accountability as nons, if we’re basically good people and our track records of having functional relationships with other people are good, then we really aren’t to blame so much and we are better moving on from a bpd
@@LifecoachAshleyBerges i am not Ms Ashley. And like you stated "two different languages" (its time this chapter gets closed and couldn't come sooner) shes into a narcissistic partner that has beaten herz had her thrown in jail, ive come to realize her sterling steel outer shell is only as appealing up to how much sadistic behavior will one tolerate. 🫤 🙅🏼♂️ Thank you for reaching out. Im flattered.
@@6bt_str86 I'm sorry you are going through this toxic type of relationship - I am happy you are wanting to move on away from this person in order to safeguard yourself. It's difficult when we realize the two languages - however it puts clarity and perspective into the situation. I appreciate you -glad to reach out! Hope your day is smoother than yesterday - we take one day at a time!
I spent 8 years with a BPD partner. It was only after we split that I learned of her disorder. Things make sense now. The last nine months I was no longer "on the pedestal" but couldn't understand why she suddenly became cold and abusive. It ended when she accused me of lying, which was simply untrue. But I saw the writing on the wall and left.
I got thrown of the pedestal however I knew it wasn't my issue and I didn't react other than to write a letter to the male bpd. He is now self mutating with eating disorder He is my neighbor of six years. I have been no contact however I watch him thru a window he has all symptoms of bpd however not diagnosed. Nither one of us will move out of the neighborhood. No contact for months super hard because I do love him.
Also i thought that the pedestal phase was a manipulation tactic used to rope a partner in... What youre saying is that a BPD cant help it bc of b & w thinking , until they see the other side and then devalue... Never understood it like that.
What do you mean they are not real people? Take a moment to think about this, they have a brain just like you, it just doesn't think like you. Genetic or environment, they're the way they are today for whichever or both. Depending on the lens you choose to look at them through, I don't know if there's any inherent advantage for a human being to have BPD but this label is a tool to help understand behaviour, unfortunately, people like you use it to segregate and dehumanise people from their experiences.
My ex talked about how her ex spit on her and was so abusive and stuff. I felt bad for her. Ended up dating her form 20 to 25. In the relationship we had a lot of break ups and ups and downs. I started to do research and realize she might be bpd/npd. I messaged her about her behaviors and she raged on me and said never talk to me again(after five years). I later found out that all the stuff she said about her ex, she was doing it…. Or they were lies. She blocked me. Then she started dating someone new in like 2 days. Apparently one of my friends seen her on a dating app(hinge) right when we broke up and she grabbed the first guy who would date her. She posted it all on social media and ppl we went to highschool with kept sending it to me saying “I thought you guys were gonna get married” now at 27. (2years later)She has family members and family friends who come and watch my stories on Instagram and I end up blocking them. I don’t know what she has going on. But I’m the scapegoat of a narcissist family system which I learned as well during this process so I’m no contact with her and my family. The healing process has been tough and wild but I found God and Ima look back one day and fully thank god for freeing me from that crazy life I was involved in.
After 15 years married to BPD and realizing it after a year, I can give some advice. The thing to remind yourself is that when they are attacking you, it is not about you. It is often that they are not able to regulate their emotions about something else and often times it is something they exaggerate then fixate but not on the issue, they fixate on the emotion. They then direct the attack at you but they are lashing out about something that they might not be aware of, and in that moment it really isnt relevant. Being treated like this is HARD to not take attacks personally. You also have to be real that they are not able to support you fully when you are down or depressed about something. They listen BUT they could always use that against you later so it makes resentment that you do everything for them but you know you cannot rely on them, OR you might regret it later. Because they are impulsive it is like being a parent and you have to learn to filter what you say, either about your own experience or something they might twist around to take as a criticism. They can completely hear the opposite of what you say, for me this is the most challenging. It is exhausting but understanding that they didnt learn how to deal with emotions and they usually suffered some abuse as a kid it means they really are not to blame or evil people. They HATE themselves in their minds and they fighting themselves. They do not think they deserve good things and that is part of why they sabotage but they also threaten sabotage to test reactions, OR just to get reactions without thinking about how their impulsive behaviors have consequences, or for those more narcissistic they just do not care. In that dysregulated time they do not care about consequences. They regress to acting like a 3 year old, tantrums and all. THE ONLY way to deal with that, is to make boundaries. Calmly saying, I know you are upset but right now Im going to step away so we both can calm our emotions. When you are ready I am willing try to talk so we can hear each other . It does not always work, BUT remember that there are two sides to them and THEY are also battling that crappy side because they didnt learn behaviors to deal with emotions or behaviors that consider others emotions. If they can realize that and make the effort to see those patterns they can change behaviors however times of stress will trigger them. Again the difficult part is being real that you cannot rely on them as you would like from a partner and it is an off balance relationship but that is also the case if your spouse had a physical disability.
You described me. Exactly. I'm BPD but I've never had a diagnosis. I'm 57
Don't want to live in that type of relationship. It isn't good for a person who has no psych issues to live with a BPD person. Not worth it. My partner wouldn't go to individual therapy so I walked out. Done.
Good for you. I admire you and am working to be strong(er).
Thank you for this valuable info. O was married to someone like that fot 36 years.
You're right... Absolutely right... But just because it's not personal doesn't justify it. Just because they have BPD and feel this way or that doesn't justify it.. and at the end of the day, the world doesn't care about the reasons for your behavior, they simply care about the action... If you were to punch somebody in the face, and try to justify it by saying, "Yeah I did that, but I was mad and I'm justified for feeling that way".... Feelings and actions are two different things. Imo, a person is 100% valid for feeling however they feel, whether it's reasonable or not, but behavior is totally different.
They can't seem to handle when someone actually treats them well. It's bizarre. Thank you Ashley for your continued work. I had no idea about this disorder until I experienced it, and even after 2 years no contact I am still trying to heal from it.
I'm in a similar place. It's the most difficult shadow work, ego stuff I've dealt with in my life.
What you said about then not being able to handle when someone treats them right resonates. I believe in her mind, love and intimacy, compassion became divorced if eachother.
It was a barely cloaked power game of reward and punishment
How can they accept reward from the peasantry? She was the one in control of this monkey circus. It was she who set the scene and pick the costumes.
Then she would hit the wall and deflate, and the fear would haunt her. Maybe she wasn't all that after all.
Then groveling love bomber would be on my doorstep with a bottle of wine and smudged mascara. Talking some shit about star seeds and the light.
Exhausting.
My Borderline ex asked me if I'd treated my exes like I treated her. I wasn't sure what she meant by the question!
@MrGShocker100 my BPD ex asked me the same thing
Great to hear from you, thank you for reaching out. How are you doing?
As someone with BPD who was recently on the receiving end of this dynamic, I've realized how absolutely painful it can be. It's the worst and I think it's fair to be primarily sympathetic towards the person on the receiving end of that pedestal => devaluation => repeat cycle.
Just to add another perspective in here, though, some of us with BPD actually do recognize we engage in this pattern. It's incredibly alarming how it can all "make sense" and seem rational to orchestrate this cycle. It can manifest in enough different and nuanced ways that one might never realize that cycle was happening until they really dig deep and reflect.
It's not anybody else's responsibility to address this, of course. I've accepted that and it's a major reason I avoid close relationships (at least until I feel like my DBT skills are reflexive enough that I can "keep up" with a relationship without needing to slow arguments and conflicts down so I can refresh myself on a particular DBT skill and practice it).
BPD is a terrible disease for everyone it affects. I would not wish any of it (not the disease itself nor the displeasure of being caught in an abusive relationship with someone who struggles with it) on my worst enemy.
I despise borderlines
@@johngilmore697 thats OK I'm pretty sure there's people around you that despise you too lmfaooo don't try and act all high and mighty.
@@BigChungus-bc8nm This guy is probably early on in the recover process. It's helpful to be angry at this point. Give it time and he will feel sorry for them. Because they didn't ask for this disease, the people they hurt will eventually get out, but the pwBPD never will.
After dating nearly 6-8 different abusive cluster-b personalities, I've realized that I've had to unlearn A LOT and NO ONE is worth throwing your whole identity and life away.
That's not love. That's martyrdom.
Great to hear from you Anthony. You are correct no one is worth throwing away your identity and life. Hope you are doing well.
OMG ! You described my relationship!!!
He discarded me,
Painted me black !! And got engaged within a month !!!
Still hurting 💔
After going through a breakup like this (or more OMG), simply know, that the person you loved was actually the person: prior to, during, and after the breakup “argument”/discard. The person you fell in love with was an illusion of what they thought you wanted from them. Can you remember when the timeframe was when the devaluation begun?
Good luck and I hope this helps.
When my relationship with my BPD, narcissistic, antisocial partner ended the part of recovery that I struggled with(and still do to a lesser degree) was accepting that the black and white thinking, the pedestal to devaluation was not something I could change and it created my own black and white thinking.
I began to view my partner as two people. One who loved my with passion and intensity and one who hated me and wanted to destroy me.
Her flip flopping triggered my own flip flopping and created this exhausting push pull tragedy.
It wasn't until I properly researched into all cluster B personality types that I started to see that this flip flopping wasn't something I could change. The instability, object inconsistency was out of my control and it's just looking for that special person to manifest with.
Yes. I understand.
Insecure af.
I have battled insecurity. Im nearly actualized. But I attract BPDs and Narcs like mad. Im dead and over it. But it amazes me how insecure BPDs are. Theres no end.
I was living this pedestal/devaluation for a year with my now ex gf. I hung on so tightly and lost my identity in the process. I had to self rescue was incredible hard to do. It’s only been 2 weeks and I’m still hurting but I’m hopeful and working on powering up my self care and focusing on becoming more securely attached.
I wish my ex with undiagnosed BPD traits could watch this and somehow understand. The discard is the most traumatizing and horrible experience of my life. I’m a depressed and broken mess. My ex had devalued me to the point of lying about every single thing in our relationship, completely reversing everything good and turning it into “abuse, neglect, selfishness, and hate”.
I don’t know how a person who I saw as an absolute angel could wear such a mask and lie so spitefully. She is truly lost and I am almost embarrassed I was fooled for two years.
I've been in your shoes, all the way down ready to end my own life. Seek help for yourself, the journey you need to understand yourself and get on with Your life stsrts now, but you need a therapist! 🤗💪🏼
@ thanks for replying! I’ve been in therapy for a few months now and I’m actually improving slowly but surely. It will always hurt but time is healing.
@@TCFDS Good to hear that you're working on yourself, whatever you do don't end it until you really understand yourself and start to feel good about you and your life again! Ideally stay away from relationships until then as well, for your own best, you dont want this to happen again! 🤗
THANK YOU! This is the best explanation of my experience to date.
I'm going on 8 years now and I still don't have parts of me back, still not 100% healed and honestly not sure I ever will be. It was the most brutal thing I've ever gone through other than childhood trauma, and like childhood trauma, I believe it may have forever changed me.
Blessings and healing to us all--including our peeps with BPD.
Peace everyone.
Been on this rollercoaster for years now but not to this extreme because it wasn’t romantic. She was my best friend. Once I finally realized I loved her as a person but no longer wanted her to be in my life, she’s now coming back and talking to not me, but those around me to try and have them talk to me about it. I’m so over it though. I’d lost my identity and I’m emotional drained. I’ve been working on myself and I can’t let that cycle continue. I’m just done.
100 percent sure my ex has BPD and now this all makes so much sense .
The push/ pull cycle was tough , I loved her but she just couldn’t understand that her rage and disrespect was having an impact on our relationship as she saw no fault, but like this video states I was hanging on by a thread and felt like I was just there , a schmuck that couldn’t ever disagree with her or have an opinion, we had too many offs and ons to finally I reached back after 6 months apart from a 5 year relationship she tells me after insulting me that this isn’t the way I was suppose to pursue her while unbeknownst to me that she had already had another guy living with her , a month after that call I tried again then she tells me that she was married, it’s been 3 years now and her son reached out to me telling me that new guy already sleeps on the couch and he and her have two babies now. I can only imagine the stress he’s going through with her having two babies because she was bossy as F . ❤
I’m in tears, you couldn’t have explained it better. This was exactly my situation with my BPD girlfriend
This is scary how much this is my seperation/divorce. My ex has BPD
I experienced the being on the pedestal and then a few months later, seemingly out of nowhere, devalued and this video is just so helpful…. It IS significant to dissect why and how it happens, and to learn to protect oneself. I believe they just start projecting their unfinished business with parent, onto you. This would have to be worked out separately in therapy for them, so not to overload the relationship itself. But alas that is for them to recognize and work out.
Your video brings to light what could be worked out, and what cannot be worked out
and defines when we need to just let the relationship go….. too much work, and not ours to do. Thank you.
Wow, you hit the nail on the head ! This is exactly what I do to my partners .
How do I stop this behaviour?
Can't believe how well you explained this! Thank you so much !
You are very welcome, I am glad it helped
Thank you Ashley! Very clear and good explanation of how this kind of relationship works! Practically a perfect description of the relationship I had with my BPD ex for two whole years.
I have read a lot and watched many videos about the BPD problems that occur in a relationship. I've also looked into my side of codependency with different therapists. It's been a long and difficult journey for me.
Your (this) description just nailed it! Very good! Thank you so much!
I thought I was fighting and trying for much too long and just let her mistreat me for all too long time. But by reading other comments here I realize that I actually got out earlier than many others. I just drew the line when she started to hit me. Something that no one should accept!
Thank you again and all the best to everyone in this situation!
Take care of yourself! ❤️ You are worth more than being treated like this!
The key is to not get on the pedestal when it's offered. The cycles of idealisation and devaluation will come sooner but will be less intense. Don't get into a relationship with someone who isn't serious about therapy. You aren't seen as an individual with feelings until that person has had a positive experience of attaching to a parental figure- through therapy!
Very well stated. Thank you for your intelligent and true comment.
Hi my wife after 18 yr married woke up one morning and end the marriage for 3 different reasons and then 5 months later moved out the family home and left me with our 3 boys she is showing most of the traits for bpd but she is convinced that she genuinely dont love me anymore and wants a divorce but i know this isnt my wife to be like this any advice please
Are you okay?
So helpful! Trying to save myself right now.
Chris, so glad it was helpful
This video is exactly wat I’m facing .. God bless u sister
Good to hear from you. God bless you too!
Beautiful message ❤️ Truth#
Thank you, great to hear from you. How are you doing?
You answered all my questions.
I am glad! Good to hear from you. How are you doing?
This was the most accurate description of the BPD relationship I have ever heard. I just wish I heard it two years ago…
Good to hear from you, thank you for subscribing, how are you doing?
I believe this disorder or behavior can be caused by genetics as well as environment. I was raised in the exact same environment & just 3 years apart from a sibling & we could not be any more different in our mentality, behavior & coping mechanisms.
Very true -genetics and environment are the two factors. And it's amazing how different blood sibling can be. Great to hear from you!
Your explanation of codependency and why we hold on to relationships on how they determine our value was also helpful. Very clear and palatable....
Thank you for your comment
It amazes me how perfectly you have described what happened to me - it´s incredible! I love how you speak through your hands. Tks
Thank you Charles for your interaction
My ex devalued me to the point i got ill just being next to him. I was just waiting for the next attack that would come out of nowhere. No, he was coward enough to never do it to my face, it was always after I left to go back home and then he'd go no contact for weeks with me trying to figure out what "I" did or didn't do to set him off. I was a shadow of my previous self. I'm trying so hard to be the person i used to be but after 2 yrs of this and Christmas in a couple of days time, it's so so hard. I wish I could feel normal again. 😢
I was going threw this on and off 5 times and it was always so amazing and she had to find a place for her kids i did so much from cleaning and fixing her old place getting her off drugs been cheated on and we were still have sex and seeing the kids and i was going fucking crazy and i was really hurt after we got clean i found out i had hiv and that was bad and she stuck by me tho. And i only asked one thing just please do not tell me if you do go with someone. I seen signs i had evidence and i could feel it and i was so mentally drained and distant a bit but if it was somthing important like somthing for the kids or do her lawndry and i asked if she would take mushrooms with me and help get grounded so i could be a better boyfriend and she said she was going out blah blah i knew it was coming and i know i cant deal with it all it took was im kinda talking to someone else and that was fine i just didnt want to know it fucking crushed me i always wanted to just die ans when i got clean i wanted to actually live life and ve happy and i was so close this time and its all to much and i have somthing in place so i can help let the kids have a better xmas and i just want her to send a location pin to someone when i ask bc im not going on fighting tooth and nail i dont have it in me im dying anyway with my kidneys being fucked no eating sleeping feeling even like i am a human vessel and nothing more iam dead inside. I wouldn't wish this upon anyone:(
Your videos have helped me to educate my partner of 8 years to help him understand what went wrong with his 35 year marriage to a borderline who abruptly discarded him with no warning in 2014. He knew nothing about BPD and the problems associated with *enabling* a spouse with BPD until I came along. I had a mother and sister with BPD so I knew a LOT about it. I still see signs of PTBSD (Post Traumatic Borderline Stress Disorder) in him but have been able to share videos, books and articles that have helped him deal with the aftermath and understand her ongoing problems (she's still trying to inveigle her way back into his life in any way, shape or form she can), and that it wasn't his fault that the marriage failed. Thanks once again Ashley for posting these valuable videos.
Thank you 🙏 love from Albuquerque.
I see you are in ABQ. I live here as well and have found it very difficult to find anyone to talk to who has been through a similar situation. Would you be open to talking?
Very good! Have had to walk!!
Im currently in a weird situation where we broke up for the millionth time so i decided to work on Myself to move on to the next one but planned to leave the state to get away but made the mistake of reaching out before leaving. She was blocked but inblocked for 20 mins call me and we had a great week together before she just shut off pretty much. Not completely out of touch but no acknowledgment of another shift if our relationship. Im okay with it as i half expected it but this is a new side of her that i have yet to see before after 2 years. One of the hardest parts is that when i commit to leaving she wants me back but if in still there for her she doesn't. Sometimes i find myself pretending I still want her just to avoid her wanting me back. I have gone through the existential part enough now that i dont really feel it so much anymore but it is confusing
Wow. I finally get it. I didn't understand the pedestal phase and now it's clear. Didn't realize that I was being Idolized and then devalued... You helped me understand what I was son for 5 yrs with a bpd partner... And yes self esteem and self worth made me want to work it and stay... And I was also codependent trying to help her solve all her unsolvable problems...
Married 43 years , still better than 17 years codependent and alcoholic marriage. It’s a adventure,journey,adrenaline high.
And now I get why she didn't want to let me go after horrible abusive behavior toward me. Bc of her fear of abandonment. And it's clear now how she jumped into a new relationship. It was just to spotj her fear of abandonment after I left her. I played out this cycle- you nailed it!
OMG he did the same to me !!!
I almost died ! He got engaged within a month !
It really hurts, but now I can feel just sad for him, and his new victim! They will always repeat the cycle 🔁
Can someone be BPD and Bipolar?
Yes someone can have both however they share many of the same characteristics. Sometimes one condition could be diagnosed for another. Good to hear from you. How are you doing?
@LifecoachAshleyBerges I'm doing much, much better. Thank you. Today is my ex's birthday and I had been in no contact for almost 3 months. But today I broke it with a short simple text saying "Happy Birthday. " That was all. No more no less. I just felt bad not knowing how she is feeling on her birthday, and I couldn't help just trying to do something positive as a birthday wish for her. I don't expect to hear from her, and I'm ok with that. I just have empathy for the illness she has to go through everyday of her life.
Thank you for asking Ashley. 🙏
Good to hear from you. I respect you reaching out to tell her Happy Birthday even with no contact in place. You care. And I respect that you don't have any expectations of hearing from her. Hope you are doing well today!@@Nevermoredork
@LifecoachAshleyBerges Thank you Ashley. Your videos have been a major part of my healing. Thank you for helping people in my situation. Just know that your videos make a difference!🙏
Thank you, I am glad I can help! I am thankful for your healing and successfully moving on emotionally and mentally. It is consistent work and dedication and some days are easier than others. Keep me in the loop of how you are feeling!@@Nevermoredork
Dated a quiet BPD woman, recently divorced from a narcissituc jerk. She rapidly devalued me after a month of treating me like I was her man. Then ghosted me, until I confronted her 9 months later, and she admitted she had ran off with some jerk that treated her as badly as her ex husband and was seeking help to fix her issue. She went on to say she was uncomfortable with how nice of a man I am. Wow!!!
Good to hear from you. That is very true, often people are not comfortable with nice women or nice men. The ghosting is horrible and painful to deal with. How are you doing?
Dude same. Just went through this in the fall with a woman. Literally ghosted and disappeared in the middle of a perfectly normal conversation. Then after a few weeks blocked me on social media. She just reached out 3 weeks ago after 3 months of NC with some BS apology and was gone as quick as she showed back up. Sucks...
Yeah my ex ran off before ending it with me and got pregnant within the first month and told me he was everything I wasn’t that she felt she deserved. Bullshit lol he was a carbon copy of her ex.
Exactly. They cannot handle people who treat them well. And we, the nice people are punished for trying. Wtf....! It is cruel.
Hang In there it’s crazy how similar so many stories are. We have to remember, though have some accountability as nons, if we’re basically good people and our track records of having functional relationships with other people are good, then we really aren’t to blame so much and we are better moving on from a bpd
This was the one that hit (codependent me ) BPD her (or EUPD) add in chemically prescribed, and THC self medicated equals one toxic shit show.
Good to hear from you. How are you doing? Are you still in the relationship?
@@LifecoachAshleyBerges i am not Ms Ashley. And like you stated "two different languages" (its time this chapter gets closed and couldn't come sooner) shes into a narcissistic partner that has beaten herz had her thrown in jail, ive come to realize her sterling steel outer shell is only as appealing up to how much sadistic behavior will one tolerate. 🫤 🙅🏼♂️ Thank you for reaching out. Im flattered.
@@6bt_str86 I'm sorry you are going through this toxic type of relationship - I am happy you are wanting to move on away from this person in order to safeguard yourself. It's difficult when we realize the two languages - however it puts clarity and perspective into the situation. I appreciate you -glad to reach out! Hope your day is smoother than yesterday - we take one day at a time!
What advice would you give someone with bpt that cant hold a relationship?
CBT and or DBT is what I keep seeing on videos.
They just monkey branch and leave you
here today
How are you feeling? Good to hear from you.
@@LifecoachAshleyBerges broke up with her a little bit later in the day. Like shaking loose a Chihuahua that had been gnawing on my leg
I spent 8 years with a BPD partner. It was only after we split that I learned of her disorder. Things make sense now. The last nine months I was no longer "on the pedestal" but couldn't understand why she suddenly became cold and abusive. It ended when she accused me of lying, which was simply untrue. But I saw the writing on the wall and left.
Good to hear from you. How long have you been out of the relationship?
I got thrown of the pedestal however I knew it wasn't my issue and I didn't react other than to write a letter to the male bpd. He is now self mutating with eating disorder He is my neighbor of six years. I have been no contact however I watch him thru a window he has all symptoms of bpd however not diagnosed. Nither one of us will move out of the neighborhood. No contact for months super hard because I do love him.
What do u watch him do ....I have BPD just curious
I am able to see him drive by my house and any company he has over to his house.I see him go to work and come home@@isaacfrye8043
First of all. What is BPD?
Google it
Borderline personality disorder
Too bad i didn't know all that before being discarded and dumped after 10 years relationship
Sorry you experienced this- it is painful and traumatic. How are you doing?
@@LifecoachAshleyBerges horribly. 5 month since. Just woke up in the middle of the night because of all that
Also i thought that the pedestal phase was a manipulation tactic used to rope a partner in... What youre saying is that a BPD cant help it bc of b & w thinking , until they see the other side and then devalue... Never understood it like that.
Those who have BPD are not real people. It sounds cold but it’s true
How are you doing?
What do you mean they are not real people? Take a moment to think about this, they have a brain just like you, it just doesn't think like you.
Genetic or environment, they're the way they are today for whichever or both. Depending on the lens you choose to look at them through, I don't know if there's any inherent advantage for a human being to have BPD but this label is a tool to help understand behaviour, unfortunately, people like you use it to segregate and dehumanise people from their experiences.
I think you're right however they do have a soul but it's the brain emotions cognitive that's mixed up. Sad for all.
Yes they are people!
Talk about devaluing others...
They’re not self aware. You saying that makes you as bad as you think they are. Putting yourself above someone else makes you narcissistic.
My ex talked about how her ex spit on her and was so abusive and stuff. I felt bad for her. Ended up dating her form 20 to 25. In the relationship we had a lot of break ups and ups and downs. I started to do research and realize she might be bpd/npd. I messaged her about her behaviors and she raged on me and said never talk to me again(after five years). I later found out that all the stuff she said about her ex, she was doing it…. Or they were lies. She blocked me. Then she started dating someone new in like 2 days. Apparently one of my friends seen her on a dating app(hinge) right when we broke up and she grabbed the first guy who would date her. She posted it all on social media and ppl we went to highschool with kept sending it to me saying “I thought you guys were gonna get married” now at 27. (2years later)She has family members and family friends who come and watch my stories on Instagram and I end up blocking them. I don’t know what she has going on. But I’m the scapegoat of a narcissist family system which I learned as well during this process so I’m no contact with her and my family. The healing process has been tough and wild but I found God and Ima look back one day and fully thank god for freeing me from that crazy life I was involved in.