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22:56.. This is very true! I was an anxiously attached with a DA. The first 4 years were awful with break up’s and drama. 2 years ago, I started a journey to self healing, I am more securely attached now and learning about my DA partner and how to work with him. Our relationship is very good now, we are communicating and there is even emotional intimacy growing. It all started because I CHANGED, not him, ME. My behavior was very toxic especially for him. Most anxiously attached people don’t want to look at themselves, but we can be so destructive in our behavior. Thanks for acknowledging this! 🙏🏻
That's interesting about just one partnerchanging can be that helpful. But that's great you were able to work on yourself. I was an FA and I know the anxious part felt so uncomfortable.
many understandably talk about the "anxious avoidant trap" but i've found, like you, the opposite's also true so dynamics with DAs can naturally encourage & reinforce working on becoming more secure 💚 i'm glad your relationship has improved & appreciate you sharing!
Same, I really did a lot of work on FA stuff, through PDS (Thais) community mostly. It's had such a positive impact on my inner world, my other relationships like family and friends too, and he has shifted so much because I'm safer. The difference is huge and he actually did very little direct "work". I've been working on building up trust in how beneficial working together on life problems is, the whole interdependency thing.
This comment gives me hope. Thank you for sharing. Currently trying my best to regulate my emotions and managed them better. Hopefully, I'll be able to create a safe and non-judgemental space for him so he knows he's loved and cherished.
That bit about making space, a constant fight with my wife. If you want me to hang out in the living room, then make space. Put away your shoes, coats, bags. Turn the volume down. Make room for me to fit, I'm not burrowing through your things to find a space on the couch. Turn down your TV, podcast, music. I drive equipment 10-12 hours a day, id like to be able to talk with out yelling over a device
@@AttachmentAdam she doesn't wish to understand. We did couples therapy at her request. Went over the same things is therapy. The therapists gave better explanations than I did. The result was that she canceled therapy
It seems that the partners of the avoidants should be some kind of superheroes. What about those avoidants who are lying, cheating, manipulating individuals who use to hide important things about themselves and who want to be loved and nurtured like a five y.o. child and take no responsability for anything? Anxious attachers become anxious around them for a reason.
My avoidant just came back to me & I'm anxious. I've watched so many videos on how to handle an avoidant. I'm trying so hard this time to tame down my anxious side. Idk if he will stay this time but I'm gonna try hard to be better & he says he's gonna try to be better too.
It sounds like you must really love him and want this to work! If it's helpful, you're welcome to email me at Support@AdamLaneSmith.com and I can show you ways that other people have helped an avoidant partner feel at home with them.
That's the thing, i guess. For me it's the corner stone. If you are dealing with self-absorbed people, no matter how predictable and consistent and self-paced you are... they can only meet you to a certain extent. And it might feel just not right for you, if you want deep intimate bonds. It just might feel downright insufficient... I had that with my parents. We had really few things in common, really not enough to maintain a healthy relationship. Go where the energy you seek is available... Don't wait for the wrong persons to give you what they cannot give. You wouldn't ask for a pair of shoes in a bakery, right? It's the same with people. . Don't try to shape yourself into a person you are not, or to make them behave in a way that's alien to them. You're distorting them. And distorting yourself. Some people are truly incompatible. People can be more tribal, others can be more self-oriented. No judgment. They just won't be able to give you what you really need.. Ask the right people, and you won't be "too much".
Self soothing is not natural. It's something the avoidant had to do in childhood. And now the anxious should do the same in order to adapt to them -- find the mistake? (Meant as an empathic comment, coming from a FA that knows this is all messed up and backwards)
Eliminating waste in the toilet isn't natural - you had to be trained to do that. Odds are good it wasn't easy for your parents to train you to that. Not coming naturally doesn't mean that it's not better for you. :) (related is that self soothing is another thing, like toilet training, that parents teach children, or at least are supposed to.)
@@MissingTheMark Parents are not supposed to teach young children self soothing. Children's brains are built for co-regulation. But you can gloss over things and that many parents were not able to do that. It's called rationalization. An avoidants specialty, btw.
@@sterneprinzessin not two year olds, obviously, but I wasn't talking about young children self soothing. I mean, you do begin the very early stages of giving them the tools at that kind of age, but at that age they're mostly dependent on you to do emotional regulation for them. It's a process of transitioning to self regulation as they grow up. By the time they're ten they should be able to self sooth under many circumstances and really under most by the time they're teenagers. (it can be misleading how well they're doing because they encounter a lot of new and unusual situations as teenagers.) Like most parenting things about raising children it's a long mentorship process where you need to be extremely patient. But the goal is to give them the skills so that, when they're adults, they don't need you anymore.
Self soothing feels natural! Reaching for some one else to fix my problem... feels alien, pathetic and weak! I have to be alone and figure out how I feel... And then... If I have the right to feel that way or if I'm over reacting. It takes a minute. Not doing this feels like holding my hand to a flame. No joke! I hope that helps!
Probably on the other side of the spectrum, but self soothing feels like I've been abandoned, given up on, worthless and want to kill myself. Co-regulation is very natural for me because it gives me hope that some people are kind, and I also want to share kindness after co-regulating. Feels like there's a reason to put in 150% Guess it shows the difference between DA and AP 😂
PDS Thais Gibson is also great for understanding both sides of the dynamic too. Do important both sides take responsibility! These longer videos by Adam are so great though, really lays it out so clearly with context & practical strategies.
My life has gotten so much better since I've taken ownership over my own anxious patterning and behaviours and stopped making it other people's problems. That's not to say I can't ask people for help soothing myself, but I no longer DEMAND it like I had modeled to me in childhood. The only problem is I now struggle to deal with people who haven't taken similar responsibility.
STABLE is my attachment style, so NOT ALL who are with avoidants are anxious. Broke up for 40yrs, then he Found me for the Last time as we're together 6 Loving years now 🌹
Partner is dismissive avoidant also i think he's undiagnosed on the spectrum too. I only mention this because he misses a lot of cues. Makes things really difficult sometimes. I am also learning that I'm fearful avoidant and not truly anxiously attached. I just tend to only have long term realtionship with people more detached than me which then makes me lean anxious at times.
Thanks for sharing! It sounds like you're gaining valuable insights into yourself and your partner's attachment styles. Understanding these dynamics can be complex. Have you found any strategies that help bridge the gap between your attachment styles in your relationship?
Same, and I realized part of the issue was my over reliance on him picking up the "cues". Learning to set boundaries, state needs in a simple non critical need has helped a lot. Plus making clear when something he did (either when asked for as a need or spotted himself) supported me &or made me feel good. "When you made me a cup of tea whilst I was having that stressful phone call it really made me feel supported." Or thank you for holding my hand when I had the injection, it calmed me down a lot.
@AttachmentAdam still in the process of finding things that work for us. But so far I have been working on my standing ground with my boundaries instead of saying yes to people please. Helps prevent me from getting overwhelmed and expressing it to my partner. It has taken a load off our shoulders for sure. But still working on trying to balance out the relationship.
A disclaimer is needed-- earned-secure people can be easily gaslit into thinking they are acting anxious. This is distressing to experience because it calls into question recently gained trust in self.
The thing is….I laid out my expectations clearly, calmly. We had a long discussion about it. I didn’t burst into tears when he turned me down and he explained his reasoning and I understood. But then he threw all that out of the window after meeting me in person for the first time….so now I want to know what HIS expectations are!! He knows mine. He knows exactly what I want….is this him giving that to me? Or fulfilling his own secret desires that I don’t know about because he’s gone silent on me. The weird thing is though….he does open up to me a lot. About everything else in life, his past, his friendships, the way he thinks about things in general…I know everything EXCEPT how he truly feels when it comes to me! Am I a friend? A girlfriend? Friend with Benefits? I want to know and I’m terrified of pushing him away.
...after you met for the first time in real life? Wow. What brings you to the point to have any expectations before you ever met the person? That is insane and self-harming.
@@schlotta2 the *majority* of relationships *period* start online now & DAs are often particularly drawn to LDRs so it's a bit ridiculous to presume anyone having expectations before meeting IRL is being unreasonable
Y not set benchmarks, preliminary expectations, no one is tiring anyone down. Just a road map and firm needs. No beating around bushes, u either know what u want or not. He’s a potential, provided he displays certain traits and has a road map even if it doesn’t work out is fine
Me. Yes self soothing, predictable, persistent, transparent, pursuing a long term goal, that I can trust, admire, respect and feel safe and relaxed with.
As an earned secure (previously avoidant), I can tell you that in my experience, once you learn and practice "self-policing" (which avoidants *absolutely* need to learn, as well) and other healthy, secure habits, avoidant people (and anxious people) very quickly become very unattractive. You no longer even want to save the relationship. You want to wish them well and go find someone who brings the same to the relationship that you do. And you more easily recognize people who will. I think it's important to be ready for this when you start doing the work. Some things will end. Appropriately.
i think it's important to recognize different people find different things attractive & while i think you made a good point about being prepared for various outcomes a bit surprised at your comment i'm an FA who fell in love with a DA 6 1/2 years ago when both of us were struggling quite a bit which led to somewhat of an on-again/off-again FWB situationship but has consistently improved personally, i really appreciate how DAs tend to naturally encourage & reinforce working on becoming more secure. the more secure i become the more i appreciate my DA congrats on earning secure & best wishes
We just filmed that episode and the editors have it, it will still be several weeks. Make sure you’re following the I Wish You Knew Podcast account for when it drops, but I will also release clips from it here.
Its not my my job. I have given him information and the last video of yours I will watch My therapist said anxious women heal quicker and usually cant handle how long it takes for them to actually face it and heal. I have given him all the love and support I can the rest is up to him.
I'm so sorry to hear that! Here's what you're looking for: ruclips.net/video/2FJVjBOYq8g/видео.html - hope this would be helpful! Please feel free to reach out on support@adamlanesmith.com if you need any specific guidance.
I was securely attached and became involved with a semi secure but also avoidant person. Overtime the avoidance in him came out 100% due to me not accepting certain behaviors. I was in full control of my own emotions, at the same time I was not ok with not discussing how actions they chose to do would affect me. Long story short, they became defensive no matter how I presented it, would most of the time end up raging at me over all the things they “avoided” talking to me about and then my concerns were never addressed. I left that relationship semi anxious and not nearly as securely attached as before that relationship. Therefore I don’t believe that handling one’s own emotions will help an avoidant open up
I am finding this with my husband. We have been together for 12 years and I didn't know until recently that he is an avoidant. I am so lonely and confused in our relationship and I am thinking that I can't take much more. He is starting to make me think that I am crazy.
I was a child to a single mother with heavy narcessistic tendencies. That and the other relationships in my life got me a mix of anxcious/avoidant attatchment. With loads of healing work Im mostly secure but still a little avoidant and I absolutly not think its something to be ashamed of or think bad about. Offcourse its good to be selfpreserving. Im greatful for your videos they are very educating and healing!
The distinction you made about anxious attachment, making their feelings other peoples problems just helped me understand my ex has been so much better. I thought he was avoidant, but I think he’s more anxious.
He could be both. The Disorganized style is chaotic and includes both sides depending on how they feel at the moment. Have you also checked to make sure you're secure yourself?
@@AttachmentAdam Thank you for responding! Yes, that was my first job….I always start with me! That’s one of those weird things that is a relic of my trauma experiences that’s incredibly useful… When I was a kid, I wasn’t allowed to ever have a need if I wasn’t being perfect. Now I see how useful it is to take the good with the bad. That bit of taking such responsibility helped me so much of my career. I definitely was living inside a fearful avoidant/disorganized attachment style for many years. I’m 54 and I spent the last two years working on my attachment and I’m in such a different place. I had done 15 years of healing work from childhood and an assault and a lot of it helped, but the attachment theory stuff is so practical and actionable and it really was a game changer. I feel so incredibly peaceful… It’s like someone gave me a map to get somewhere I had been trying to go for years by feeling around in the dark. My current relationship was also critical, and your comment in one of your videos about how you can’t learn it in your head is what I was definitely experiencing with my boyfriend… He made me so motivated to lean into my fears and stay on the field with him. It’s been an incredibly healing relationship. And learning about myself has helped me be more compassionate toward him. And my ex husband…He had a few addictions and while he is in recovery he seems less self-aware and is still big on blaming, I know from experience it’s probably a shame spiral. And at least I can look at him with more compassion now and know not take on whatever blame he’s throwing at me. I already took accountability for my contribution to the dynamic and there’s certain things I just realize are not reasonable for him to assign to me. But I’m just very logical about it now. I feel so happy… I’m a better mother, I have better friendships - even though I’ve always had a lot of friends. I’ve allowed more of those relationships to be intimate. It has occurred to me that you might be able to help my boyfriend and me and I’m still assessing whether that’s necessary. We’re doing OK as a couple because of what I’ve learned and how I shifted, but It seems like he’s processing a lot and he’s trying to do it by himself. I hate seeing anyone suffer unnecessarily but I now know it’s not my job to save him or anyone. I’m trying just to give him space to work it out because I have a lot of faith in him that he has a process that just looks different than mine. We’ll see… I won’t take it off the table because I really want it to work and I know he does too That was a long answer to a short question! Thank you for making such a great videos!
@@AttachmentAdam Thank you for your reply. Yes, I have a tendency to look at myself first which I think is one of those take the good with the bad experiences from my childhood… My needs were negated because I wasn’t “doing everything right.” I definitely had been operating inside a fearful avoidant/disorganized attachment style. I say “had been” because I spent the last two years deconstructing it… First intuitively and then over the last year specifically using attachment theory. I have been on a healing journey for the last 15 years to transform trauma related to a chaotic childhood and an assault in my teens. And that’s helped a lot. The attachment work has been an incredible gift. I thought I was destined to spend my life alone, and discovering that the solution was inside of me was such a relief. I feel so peaceful …It was like trying to feel my way around in the dark and someone turned on the light. And I love the point you made about how you can’t figure this out in your head. I had avoided relationships and intimacy, even inside my marriage, (which, of course was my contribution to the challenges). And now I’m in a two-year relationship with a man who has made me feel so motivated to face my fears. I’ve never felt anything like it before. And that was a lot of what promoted the healing, because I kept having to force myself to get on the field with him, even when I wanted to run away. Your insights have been incredibly helpful to understand my ex-husband who is in recovery dealing with addiction. I think he is not as self-aware, and it’s just helpful for me to become more and more clear about how I can have compassion for him without taking on blame me that he’s unfairly assigning to me. Even just being able to parse out what’s my responsibility and what’s his has been a gift of this process. Your information helped me understand how I got into the relationship with him in the first place… Beyond the obvious which is that we were coming together to heal ourselves… And it’s helping me navigate coparenting with him. Thank you!
@@AttachmentAdam That makes sense. Yes I had a fearful avoidant/disorganized attachment style that I’ve worked on over the last two years and it’s been a game changer.
When I first found attachment theory, I figured I was avoidant and my wife was anxious. After taking a test, I am avoidant, but my wife is in the disorganized/fearful avoidant category.
I am 23, your work is priceless and unique. Your talking points I have never heard before despite researching psychology casually for about a decade and you are doing great work. Thank you.
The biological explanation. Learning about vasopressin and how it works helps because although I enjoy being in love, I struggle to feel love to begin with because I'm probably somewhere between avoidant and secure. I am also a schizoid. @@AttachmentAdam
@@AttachmentAdam I have lots of avoidants in my family and am married to one. My husband will do the work until it begins to bring up emotions then stops. Same thing with mom and sister.
I'm happy that you brought up no contact! So many use it as manipulation to getting your ex back or to help break the addiction to them. It's great to hear that there as so many healthy approaches to attachment issues. Thank you, Adam!
It sounds like you dismiss “manipulative” avoidants as not worth dealing with… can you explain deeper why that is? weve all hurt people at some point, why do you make it seem like “manipulative” avoidants are not worth your time? Are you referring to narcissists? I’m confused.
People who actively manipulate others at the current moment and who exploit others for personal satisfaction are unlikely to open up and form trusting relationships. My goal is not to dismiss anyone but to help people make educated decisions about who is likely to reward their trust versus betray it.
Thank you for your response. Very true. But I have yet to meet an avoidant who isn’t manipulative…. It ranges from a little to very but it seems to be a main feature. I never found it to be intentional or malicious though, unlike narcissists. I’m a recovering fearful avoidant btw:)
18:14 or so- “be predictable and consistent” well what if the anxious partner is predictably and consistently over the top and out of emotional control? I mean in that case, as an avoidant, if they start to be able to emotionally regulate that would be traumatic lol.
I just want ONE short 10ish min video that you could give a DA who doesnt know they are Da, explains avoidant attachment, how it comes about, what it looks like. Benefits and drawbacks and the chemical thing (dopamine focused etc) They're too long, DA would not listen to all of that and your video headings would make them run a mile rather than watch/listen with an open mind.
Is it possible that we are BOTH avoidantly attached? The self eval in the book Attached shows I score high on the anxious traits but, I identify with all the risk management characteristics you describe in the avoidantly attached. I was raised in part by an unmedicated bipolar Dad which makes me believe I can trust, if I am very careful to suss out what‘s going on first. I do feel gratified when someone takes my feelings seriously. I don’t think my partner thinks I am good with self soothing. I usually don‘t share disappointment w him unless I am at my wits end with him being totally self contained, unenthusiastic and cold.
Working on yourself first is a great step to fix your relationship dynamics. Anxious-avoidant relationships tend to be tough on both partners. Let me know if you need any help. I'd love to hear from you, what's something effective that you've learned and implemented?
*really* wish more talking about "avoidant attachment" would distinguish between DA & FA as an FA in love with a DA we definitely have similarities & overlap but there are serious differences, too
@r_and_a there will be overlap because if your an FA the avoidant side is like a DA. The the anxious part that might be different. Usually an FA will feel more anxious in a relationship with a DA.
@@michellegirau8136 well aware, thanks. imo you're oversimplifying, FAs are *not* just a combo of DA & AP - we do tend to swing from *similarities* with the two but we are distinct from each.
I recently discovered your channel and have been binge watching your content. As a student of relationship dynamics and someone who has been working on my own history and triggers for a couple of decades, I have tremendous appreciation for the immense value of your insights and counsel. You explain things so clearly and compassionately and bring practical solutions. I am truly grateful for all your hard work, Adam, and pray continued success over all you do!
Mine more significant by side of my father's wife that swaft my fear in case if i have a someone to appreicate me with my anxious envirement ...not partically let my explainations to adjust of accepting by making myself more safer Regards that my father's wife being total against my self imporvement and leveling my mental control in my previous years, unfortunately i couldn't use a better a word a narcissist , revealing a lot of steam lately of overthinking consciously . Today using good energies properly towards the people that i live on good terms and learning on progess by myself
His “safety” was having access to all correspondence, even to my girlfriends, and that I wasn’t allowed to see a therapist- that was emotional cheating in his mind. Definitely avoidant.
Sounds anxious actually. If I was with a man who was in my business and insecure with me growing.. that’s insecure & overly anxious yes controlling.. as an Avoidant I would run. I have no desire to control people. But trusting they are there when I really need someone to lean on…
One thing I’m curious about is that avoidants value fairness and mutual transactions but when the anxious over gives expecting something in return, that feels unfair? Can you shine some light on this? Is it the expectation driving it that feels off? How is it fair for the anxious partner?
I had the exact same question... I think there must be a choice for the avoidant partner... they have to be presented with the need we have (in measurable ways for them, meaning they have to know what, why and how many times/how often) so they can picture and predict what it will mean to them to fulfill it... if they can't picture and predict, I guess their engagement will decrease, because they won't see any secure way to be successful in the process... they have to be presented the need in a way that they can assess the risk it represents, the investment of energy it represents for them, and if there is a potential for them to fail or to be successful... it's almost like a business deal.
I’m glad you clarify how you don’t want anyone to abuse the power you teach them the level of compassion from all angles towards all members of your audience and being able to take harsh criticism with openness and laughter is really badass and sweet simultaneously which is definitely,em what drew me to your content
you say avoidant people are surviving because they have gone through awful things. what if they haven't. can someone be avoidant, if they have no major traumas, no abuse in their family? if anything, they were spoiled.
Hey there, I'd love for you to join us and to be able to mentor you for a whole year. Check out this link on my website to join the Attachment Circle: adamlanesmith.com/the-attachment-circle/
I wish I would have seen this 6 years ago... It would have possibly changed everything. Or maybe I overestimate my influence on the relationship I had. Anyways. It's all broken and gone and I feel guilty and defeated.
Minor note, this may be a cultural difference, but in antiquity, particularly Hebrew marriages, the groom was responsible for building and preparing the bridal suite and starter home for his new family.
@@AttachmentAdam I'm Judeo-Christian myself, so I prefer the patristic method for it's eschatological symbolism, but I know that's a bit off topic for discussion on avoidant personalities. I actually just found out about this attachment style yesterday and binged a bunch of your videos and another channels to better understand it. Unfortunately, it describes me perfectly to the letter. Fortunately, your approach to explaining it is incredibly informative and encouraging. Just so happens that a girl I'm trying to move on from is almost certainly an anxious attachment style, and as you said, it's like we're speaking different languages. I'm hoping this will help explain my perspective to her. As far as the "woman preparing the bridal chamber" idea, I like the concept, yes. I do think men should bear the brunt of leadership stressors, but I also think wise wives will recognize and reward that effort on his part by being more receptive to his needs. Speaking personally, one of the ways I express affection and appreciation best is by hearing someone's needs and trying to help with them as appropriate, and it's much easier to do that when I know I can trust the other person while my back is turned, so to speak. The girl I mentioned actually initially did quite a number on restoring my sanity - I was legitimately feeling burnt out on the idea of affection and "unworthy" of interpersonal love. However, around the six month mark, she started exhibiting behavior inconsistent with what I had experience prior to that point, and lo and behold, when I expressed my displeasure and backed up a bit, she started panicking and saying I was being cold and distant.
As an anxiously attached person, I just realised this when my loved ones started getting exhausted with my constant overthinking and needy nature. It's exhausting being us but it's I think it's even more exhausting being our support system 😅😅. Been leaning on God and prayers a lot and then came across this channel. Love what you're doing. Currently in a relationship with someone displaying avoidant attachment behaviours and this channel has helped me understand and justify why I choose to be compassionate and patient with him. He's a good, kind and generous man and I'm sure there's many avoidants the same way, seeking compassionate and patient GF/partners.
It's great that you're finding support and understanding through faith and this channel. Recognizing the challenges of both anxious and avoidant attachment styles is a big step towards building a healthier relationship. How has this new understanding changed your approach in your relationship?
@@AttachmentAdam I'm finding myself being more compassionate and empathetic to his style of communication. I find myself trying to be selfless and not self-centred, less judgemental when I'm loving him. Hopefully, he'll find his healing from this relationship as I have begun mine, and if this isn't God's will for me, I at the very least pray that he and I come out of this relationship, healed.
@@AttachmentAdam one other thing, Adam, now that I am aware of this attachment style, I am not feeling shocked when he suddenly shuts down or tries to bolt when he starts sensing intimacy. It's helping me see the difference between his fear and his intentions and am not feeling as offended and hurt as I used to earlier.
@@AttachmentAdam Hi Adam, He broke up with me. The emotions were too much for him to handle. He calls me fatty as an endearing nickname and last Sunday, he said "I love my fatty". That was the closest he got to admitting his feelings. But then last night, he said he wants to be alone, cannot support me financially (I reassured him several times that I can handle my own) and that it's too much emotions. Says he doesn't love me and don't think he can in future. Said I should find someone else. Seems like he'd rather sabotage the relationship then to face his fears. I can now only pray for his soul everyday and hope God hears me. I fought hard and I have lost the battle. I still love him and do not blame him for what has happened and only wish now that he heals. Thank you for your videos. They've helped me understand him a lot.
@37:00 being female ai engr, I’m now the one going into the brutal world basically knowingly doing things with ai automation that I KNOW lots of ppl don’t get DO feel like an internal conflict for job displacements but I also am ok with it because self elevating has never been more accessible, so it’s to me, a choice. I tried the house husband thing and i ran out of words to express that working from home, I need a safe clean space myself and like those in my home are the ones on my team, and that I’m not the breadwinner and the maid and the peace keeper and the cook. Absolutely lots of these things can be outsources but it became very VERY disruptive for me and just one more thing to have to manage and coordinate. Just sayin, I wish men knew why it’s important to help keep a home clean and be mindful of pets n kids and others safety . For me, it’s absolutely taxing and soul crushing when I wake up knowing the solution to a problem but I can’t just go get my ai to help me code it because I need water but can’t get to a cup cuz all the dishes are piled up then the spark of creativity gets sucked into cleaning a filthy mess. I’m not ocd or a neat freak- I’m just saying these tip toeing around men is a bit outdated
The question is: how do you communicate needs without their ego falling apart, when you’ve got sooo much on your plate and want to care for them but they’re the ones not keeping their end of the bargain so you have to live in a landmine
I completely understand where you’re coming from, and it’s incredibly frustrating when you’re balancing a high-demand job like yours while also feeling the weight of managing the household. Have you tried framing the conversation in terms of partnership and teamwork? Rather than it feeling like a critique, it might help to focus on the idea that a clean, safe, organized space benefits *both* of you. If you’re feeling like the burden is entirely on you, it’s important to communicate that clearly, but without making it feel like an attack. If you want to dive deeper into how to communicate this effectively or set clearer boundaries in the household, I’m here to help. Feel free to reach out to me through support@adamlanesmith.com
Hi, this is another incredibly useful video. Thank you! I'm looking for some support and information on how to bring topics for commitment to my DA partner. Is there a video anyone can point me towards. I'm FA but leaning towards secure through a lot of self understanding and work. I'd like my partner to move in later in the year and would like to slowly raise the topic with him so he has time to think about it and get excited! We have so much fun together and support each other...i want to create the flowerbed for it to bloom
I AM that anxious attachment person!!!! I constantly try to be better (And often feel suicidal) ITS ME!!! I will to do ALL it takes I’ll follow the instructions on your videos I scare him at times (Of course I don’t tell him all my anxious thoughts)
Sometimes it's not that they don't want to be with you, it's their unhealed wounds and attachment style making them scared of opening up and building a genuine connection. Would you say you're avoidant, anxious or securely attached?
Could you make a video on what happens when a ethical dismissive avoidand dates another ethical dismissive avoidand? Would they have the perfect relation-/ situationship? Or would they just grow apart and realize at some point that they forgot contacting each other? Or what would happen? I'm just so curios
I have a question. If I can get my avoidant to open up, how do I respond? Should it be laid out before hand how theyd like to be responded to? Such as 'Do you want comiseration or solutions?'.. the last thing Id want to do is have them open up then alienate them by responding incorrectly.
@@r_and_a Too many things he’s said and done point to DA. Plus I took an attachment quiz using whatever info I know about him, and it came out DA. But Adam nailed it about kissing. There was fear and discomfort in our very short good night kiss that *i* initiated. Before that, I had no idea there was an issue. 🥺
@@r_and_a we haven’t spoken in weeks. Neither of us has reached out. Idk what to do. Are DAs (or FAs) triggered when asked by their partner (so gently) to share what happened in their past? Is it awful for them that their secret is out, perhaps embarrassing? 😢
Thank you so much for your kind words! I'm glad you enjoyed the perspective. You'll be pleased to know that the women's avoidance video is now available. You can watch it here, if you haven't yet ruclips.net/video/2FJVjBOYq8g/видео.html . Enjoy! 🫶🏼
I have a question.. My DA really loves hugs and cuddles and when I caress him..once he said he could spend a whole day cuddling with me.. Does this mean he is bonding or is this just dopamine for him?
Speakign about self soothing. i understand the importance of it, and absolutely see how i do that, but what about co-regulation? Not codependency, but just the expectation of SOME containment or support about my emotions beinf one of my needs like us as anxious are tryign to take care of their needs for safety and consistency and space?
I hear you. The truth is that is really is a lot of work to become secure and let go of our past baggage. What would make the work seem worth it in your opinion?
@@AttachmentAdam I think they may need to find people who naturally act how they need people to be. Instead of changing others to suit them. What is the perfect type for them naturally? Avoid + avoid = 0. Anxious + Anxious = 💣.
Is there a point when you can safely lay out your expectations to your avoidant partner ? for instance , I would like to be texted or check in at least once a day to establish regular communication between us , or is that to demanding ?
Every new activity or challenge navigated thru together strengthen the relationship with avoidant people. Navigate foreign territory with tools and practice runs with trusted partner.
i was listening to some of your videos and love them. i am wondering what's your point of view on "no contact" after a breakup. if i get u right, avoidant men don't trust, u love them and would be fair to them, that u would not let them down. is no contact a "letting down"? i am surprised i have not seen anything about how to handle breakups when an avoidant pulled back - or did i just miss it?
Is there a point when you can safely lay out your expectations to your avoidant partner ? for instance , I would like to be texted or check in at least once a day to establish regular communication between us , or is that to demanding ?
Hello. A question: how does one know that he has an avoidant attachmwnt style? I am a 30 yo shut in, no job, no degree, no close/real relationships (I screwed up the only one that came close), no purpose in life, no goal, barely holding on, suicidal ideations etc. In therapy and treatment for general depression.
Thanks for reaching out. Avoidant attachment shows up in various ways, and I encourage you to check the playlist my channel titled 'What Does Avoidant Attachment Look Like In Relationships?' or the blog on my website adamlanesmith.com for more clarity. I also encourage you to reach out to me through support@adamlanesmith.com so we can discuss your situation in a solution-focused manner. I'd be absolutely happy to help.
Dude right! Nonstop! God forbid you try a casual "who ya chatting with?" or "anything interesting?" It's an easy impulsive way to shut out the world. Yet they swear up and down it isn't an avoidance tactic!
That’s how we maintain connection and maintain control. It’s much easier to block a person who violates boundaries than it is to walk away and not risk being accosted.
“With no manipulation tactics” lol. The employment of such language in the title is a form of manipulation in itself to “guide” avoidants to watch. Nevertheless I thought this was a good video.
Dopamine shoots ! It creates constant "connexion" (superficial but consistent, so reassuring), it keeps the feeling of emptiness at bay... it's like doom scrolling or eating sugar non stop, same effects on the brain chemistry... Think of ADHD... it's like having candies so you don't suffer too much from your lack of dopamine!
The HOW TO LOVE AN AVOIDANT MAN video course is now available!
If you want to learn to build a fulfilling lifelong relationship with the man you love, and help him understand and cherish you in return, pick up your copy right now and write a happy ending to your love story! adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love-an-avoidant-man/
Partner
Could you please let me know how to part of the “circle”? Thank you
22:56.. This is very true! I was an anxiously attached with a DA. The first 4 years were awful with break up’s and drama. 2 years ago, I started a journey to self healing, I am more securely attached now and learning about my DA partner and how to work with him. Our relationship is very good now, we are communicating and there is even emotional intimacy growing. It all started because I CHANGED, not him, ME. My behavior was very toxic especially for him. Most anxiously attached people don’t want to look at themselves, but we can be so destructive in our behavior. Thanks for acknowledging this! 🙏🏻
That's interesting about just one partnerchanging can be that helpful. But that's great you were able to work on yourself. I was an FA and I know the anxious part felt so uncomfortable.
You didn't enjoy the roller coaster?
❤😊
By managing my emotions my avoidant became much more relaxed and our relationship improved.
many understandably talk about the "anxious avoidant trap" but i've found, like you, the opposite's also true so dynamics with DAs can naturally encourage & reinforce working on becoming more secure 💚
i'm glad your relationship has improved & appreciate you sharing!
im happy for you, im working on being secure and i hope the dynamic will change for us
Same but he still does spontaneous silent treatment so I’m not able to manage my emotions anymore. It’s just got to be over.
Same, I really did a lot of work on FA stuff, through PDS (Thais) community mostly. It's had such a positive impact on my inner world, my other relationships like family and friends too, and he has shifted so much because I'm safer. The difference is huge and he actually did very little direct "work". I've been working on building up trust in how beneficial working together on life problems is, the whole interdependency thing.
This comment gives me hope. Thank you for sharing. Currently trying my best to regulate my emotions and managed them better. Hopefully, I'll be able to create a safe and non-judgemental space for him so he knows he's loved and cherished.
That bit about making space, a constant fight with my wife. If you want me to hang out in the living room, then make space. Put away your shoes, coats, bags. Turn the volume down. Make room for me to fit, I'm not burrowing through your things to find a space on the couch. Turn down your TV, podcast, music. I drive equipment 10-12 hours a day, id like to be able to talk with out yelling over a device
Quality time away from distractions can also deepen your connection. Have you communicated this to your wife in a way she understands?
@@AttachmentAdam she doesn't wish to understand. We did couples therapy at her request. Went over the same things is therapy. The therapists gave better explanations than I did. The result was that she canceled therapy
It seems that the partners of the avoidants should be some kind of superheroes. What about those avoidants who are lying, cheating, manipulating individuals who use to hide important things about themselves and who want to be loved and nurtured like a five y.o. child and take no responsability for anything? Anxious attachers become anxious around them for a reason.
No one is comfortable 100% in this life everyone has to struggle, love has good and bad and everything in life is llike this
Sounds like a lot more than avoidant, & that it is likely time for them to face consequences of being left in the dust.
You"ve described a narcisisst not an avoidant.
@@agnes466 exactly. He talks about two different types and he is talking about the ethical ones.
Ditto. There are unethical avoidants and I believe avoidant narcissists.
My avoidant just came back to me & I'm anxious. I've watched so many videos on how to handle an avoidant. I'm trying so hard this time to tame down my anxious side. Idk if he will stay this time but I'm gonna try hard to be better & he says he's gonna try to be better too.
It sounds like you must really love him and want this to work! If it's helpful, you're welcome to email me at Support@AdamLaneSmith.com and I can show you ways that other people have helped an avoidant partner feel at home with them.
This is such a hopeful comment. I wish you both the very best.
Best wishes for all to work out! ❤
Fingers crossed and wishing you two the best of luck!
This is not healthy unless the avoidant is also actively working on their unhealthy behaviors. In fact this IMO is what creates toxic relationships.
That's the thing, i guess. For me it's the corner stone. If you are dealing with self-absorbed people, no matter how predictable and consistent and self-paced you are... they can only meet you to a certain extent. And it might feel just not right for you, if you want deep intimate bonds. It just might feel downright insufficient... I had that with my parents. We had really few things in common, really not enough to maintain a healthy relationship. Go where the energy you seek is available... Don't wait for the wrong persons to give you what they cannot give. You wouldn't ask for a pair of shoes in a bakery, right? It's the same with people.
. Don't try to shape yourself into a person you are not, or to make them behave in a way that's alien to them. You're distorting them. And distorting yourself. Some people are truly incompatible. People can be more tribal, others can be more self-oriented. No judgment. They just won't be able to give you what you really need.. Ask the right people, and you won't be "too much".
Self soothing is not natural. It's something the avoidant had to do in childhood. And now the anxious should do the same in order to adapt to them -- find the mistake? (Meant as an empathic comment, coming from a FA that knows this is all messed up and backwards)
Eliminating waste in the toilet isn't natural - you had to be trained to do that. Odds are good it wasn't easy for your parents to train you to that. Not coming naturally doesn't mean that it's not better for you. :)
(related is that self soothing is another thing, like toilet training, that parents teach children, or at least are supposed to.)
@@MissingTheMark Parents are not supposed to teach young children self soothing. Children's brains are built for co-regulation. But you can gloss over things and that many parents were not able to do that. It's called rationalization. An avoidants specialty, btw.
@@sterneprinzessin not two year olds, obviously, but I wasn't talking about young children self soothing. I mean, you do begin the very early stages of giving them the tools at that kind of age, but at that age they're mostly dependent on you to do emotional regulation for them. It's a process of transitioning to self regulation as they grow up. By the time they're ten they should be able to self sooth under many circumstances and really under most by the time they're teenagers. (it can be misleading how well they're doing because they encounter a lot of new and unusual situations as teenagers.) Like most parenting things about raising children it's a long mentorship process where you need to be extremely patient. But the goal is to give them the skills so that, when they're adults, they don't need you anymore.
Self soothing feels natural! Reaching for some one else to fix my problem... feels alien, pathetic and weak!
I have to be alone and figure out how I feel... And then... If I have the right to feel that way or if I'm over reacting. It takes a minute.
Not doing this feels like holding my hand to a flame. No joke! I hope that helps!
Probably on the other side of the spectrum, but self soothing feels like I've been abandoned, given up on, worthless and want to kill myself. Co-regulation is very natural for me because it gives me hope that some people are kind, and I also want to share kindness after co-regulating. Feels like there's a reason to put in 150%
Guess it shows the difference between DA and AP 😂
I’ve never been called out in such a way as an anxious. Honestly I needed to hear it phrased that way.
It makes more sense when we know about this. It's like oh that why I do xy&z.
PDS Thais Gibson is also great for understanding both sides of the dynamic too. Do important both sides take responsibility! These longer videos by Adam are so great though, really lays it out so clearly with context & practical strategies.
My life has gotten so much better since I've taken ownership over my own anxious patterning and behaviours and stopped making it other people's problems. That's not to say I can't ask people for help soothing myself, but I no longer DEMAND it like I had modeled to me in childhood. The only problem is I now struggle to deal with people who haven't taken similar responsibility.
STABLE is my attachment style, so NOT ALL who are with avoidants are anxious. Broke up for 40yrs, then he Found me for the Last time as we're together 6 Loving years now 🌹
Want an avoidant partner to open up?
Be trustworthy. If trust is broken, you are done, there is no going back from a trust violation.
You are absolutely right, trust is incredibly important in relationships and especially for avoidant partners.
Partner is dismissive avoidant also i think he's undiagnosed on the spectrum too. I only mention this because he misses a lot of cues. Makes things really difficult sometimes. I am also learning that I'm fearful avoidant and not truly anxiously attached. I just tend to only have long term realtionship with people more detached than me which then makes me lean anxious at times.
Thanks for sharing! It sounds like you're gaining valuable insights into yourself and your partner's attachment styles. Understanding these dynamics can be complex. Have you found any strategies that help bridge the gap between your attachment styles in your relationship?
Same, and I realized part of the issue was my over reliance on him picking up the "cues". Learning to set boundaries, state needs in a simple non critical need has helped a lot. Plus making clear when something he did (either when asked for as a need or spotted himself) supported me &or made me feel good. "When you made me a cup of tea whilst I was having that stressful phone call it really made me feel supported." Or thank you for holding my hand when I had the injection, it calmed me down a lot.
@AttachmentAdam still in the process of finding things that work for us. But so far I have been working on my standing ground with my boundaries instead of saying yes to people please. Helps prevent me from getting overwhelmed and expressing it to my partner. It has taken a load off our shoulders for sure. But still working on trying to balance out the relationship.
if one has to “self” everything especially in moment of need that defeats the purpose of be in a relationship
What's the purpose of a relationship in your opinion?
now that I have gotten him to open up, now i wanna know how to make sure he wont fall back into his old cycle
A disclaimer is needed-- earned-secure people can be easily gaslit into thinking they are acting anxious. This is distressing to experience because it calls into question recently gained trust in self.
Me I’m a partner of an avoidant he likes his own time to work then likes to spend time after he has sorted his stuff out
The thing is….I laid out my expectations clearly, calmly. We had a long discussion about it. I didn’t burst into tears when he turned me down and he explained his reasoning and I understood.
But then he threw all that out of the window after meeting me in person for the first time….so now I want to know what HIS expectations are!! He knows mine. He knows exactly what I want….is this him giving that to me? Or fulfilling his own secret desires that I don’t know about because he’s gone silent on me.
The weird thing is though….he does open up to me a lot. About everything else in life, his past, his friendships, the way he thinks about things in general…I know everything EXCEPT how he truly feels when it comes to me!
Am I a friend?
A girlfriend?
Friend with Benefits?
I want to know and I’m terrified of pushing him away.
...after you met for the first time in real life? Wow. What brings you to the point to have any expectations before you ever met the person? That is insane and self-harming.
@@schlotta2 we had a relationship online for over a year
@@schlotta2 the *majority* of relationships *period* start online now & DAs are often particularly drawn to LDRs so it's a bit ridiculous to presume anyone having expectations before meeting IRL is being unreasonable
Y not set benchmarks, preliminary expectations, no one is tiring anyone down. Just a road map and firm needs. No beating around bushes, u either know what u want or not. He’s a potential, provided he displays certain traits and has a road map even if it doesn’t work out is fine
Your allowed to be u just like him. There is no right or wrong attachment. Both need to b on same page.
Me. Yes self soothing, predictable, persistent, transparent, pursuing a long term goal, that I can trust, admire, respect and feel safe and relaxed with.
Thanks for sharing your experience and knowledge.
Glad it was helpful! I am here to assist, let me know what you need.
As an earned secure (previously avoidant), I can tell you that in my experience, once you learn and practice "self-policing" (which avoidants *absolutely* need to learn, as well) and other healthy, secure habits, avoidant people (and anxious people) very quickly become very unattractive. You no longer even want to save the relationship. You want to wish them well and go find someone who brings the same to the relationship that you do. And you more easily recognize people who will. I think it's important to be ready for this when you start doing the work. Some things will end. Appropriately.
i think it's important to recognize different people find different things attractive & while i think you made a good point about being prepared for various outcomes a bit surprised at your comment
i'm an FA who fell in love with a DA 6 1/2 years ago when both of us were struggling quite a bit which led to somewhat of an on-again/off-again FWB situationship but has consistently improved
personally, i really appreciate how DAs tend to naturally encourage & reinforce working on becoming more secure. the more secure i become the more i appreciate my DA
congrats on earning secure & best wishes
Anyone happen to know what episode of the wish you knew podcast had the discussion about why an avoidant should change?
We just filmed that episode and the editors have it, it will still be several weeks. Make sure you’re following the I Wish You Knew Podcast account for when it drops, but I will also release clips from it here.
It’s easier to love someone else and give the da the chamber of the space himself.
so why bother to comment on a video about DAs? seems rather spiteful
Its not my my job. I have given him information and the last video of yours I will watch My therapist said anxious women heal quicker and usually cant handle how long it takes for them to actually face it and heal. I have given him all the love and support I can the rest is up to him.
@@hspinnovators5516 have you read attached or anxiously attached? Also love the book 8 rules of love
Avoidant woman here. Blew up a relationship with my avoidant man. 😔 Looking forward to video on avoidant woman and appreciate those in men too.
I’m so pleased to see this. As an avoidant man married to an anxious woman I’m excited to see you doing the work.
I'm so sorry to hear that! Here's what you're looking for: ruclips.net/video/2FJVjBOYq8g/видео.html - hope this would be helpful! Please feel free to reach out on support@adamlanesmith.com if you need any specific guidance.
I was securely attached and became involved with a semi secure but also avoidant person. Overtime the avoidance in him came out 100% due to me not accepting certain behaviors. I was in full control of my own emotions, at the same time I was not ok with not discussing how actions they chose to do would affect me. Long story short, they became defensive no matter how I presented it, would most of the time end up raging at me over all the things they “avoided” talking to me about and then my concerns were never addressed. I left that relationship semi anxious and not nearly as securely attached as before that relationship. Therefore I don’t believe that handling one’s own emotions will help an avoidant open up
I am finding this with my husband. We have been together for 12 years and I didn't know until recently that he is an avoidant. I am so lonely and confused in our relationship and I am thinking that I can't take much more. He is starting to make me think that I am crazy.
Many avoidants will not take accountability for anything no matter how it is presented. They avoid any judgement or conflict.
I was a child to a single mother with heavy narcessistic tendencies. That and the other relationships in my life got me a mix of anxcious/avoidant attatchment. With loads of healing work Im mostly secure but still a little avoidant and I absolutly not think its something to be ashamed of or think bad about. Offcourse its good to be selfpreserving. Im greatful for your videos they are very educating and healing!
The distinction you made about anxious attachment, making their feelings other peoples problems just helped me understand my ex has been so much better. I thought he was avoidant, but I think he’s more anxious.
He could be both. The Disorganized style is chaotic and includes both sides depending on how they feel at the moment. Have you also checked to make sure you're secure yourself?
@@AttachmentAdam Thank you for responding! Yes, that was my first job….I always start with me! That’s one of those weird things that is a relic of my trauma experiences that’s incredibly useful… When I was a kid, I wasn’t allowed to ever have a need if I wasn’t being perfect. Now I see how useful it is to take the good with the bad. That bit of taking such responsibility helped me so much of my career.
I definitely was living inside a fearful avoidant/disorganized attachment style for many years. I’m 54 and I spent the last two years working on my attachment and I’m in such a different place. I had done 15 years of healing work from childhood and an assault and a lot of it helped, but the attachment theory stuff is so practical and actionable and it really was a game changer. I feel so incredibly peaceful… It’s like someone gave me a map to get somewhere I had been trying to go for years by feeling around in the dark. My current relationship was also critical, and your comment in one of your videos about how you can’t learn it in your head is what I was definitely experiencing with my boyfriend… He made me so motivated to lean into my fears and stay on the field with him. It’s been an incredibly healing relationship. And learning about myself has helped me be more compassionate toward him. And my ex husband…He had a few addictions and while he is in recovery he seems less self-aware and is still big on blaming, I know from experience it’s probably a shame spiral. And at least I can look at him with more compassion now and know not take on whatever blame he’s throwing at me. I already took accountability for my contribution to the dynamic and there’s certain things I just realize are not reasonable for him to assign to me. But I’m just very logical about it now.
I feel so happy… I’m a better mother, I have better friendships - even though I’ve always had a lot of friends. I’ve allowed more of those relationships to be intimate.
It has occurred to me that you might be able to help my boyfriend and me and I’m still assessing whether that’s necessary. We’re doing OK as a couple because of what I’ve learned and how I shifted, but It seems like he’s processing a lot and he’s trying to do it by himself. I hate seeing anyone suffer unnecessarily but I now know it’s not my job to save him or anyone. I’m trying just to give him space to work it out because I have a lot of faith in him that he has a process that just looks different than mine. We’ll see… I won’t take it off the table because I really want it to work and I know he does too
That was a long answer to a short question! Thank you for making such a great videos!
@@AttachmentAdam Thank you for your reply. Yes, I have a tendency to look at myself first which I think is one of those take the good with the bad experiences from my childhood… My needs were negated because I wasn’t “doing everything right.”
I definitely had been operating inside a fearful avoidant/disorganized attachment style. I say “had been” because I spent the last two years deconstructing it… First intuitively and then over the last year specifically using attachment theory. I have been on a healing journey for the last 15 years to transform trauma related to a chaotic childhood and an assault in my teens. And that’s helped a lot. The attachment work has been an incredible gift. I thought I was destined to spend my life alone, and discovering that the solution was inside of me was such a relief. I feel so peaceful …It was like trying to feel my way around in the dark and someone turned on the light.
And I love the point you made about how you can’t figure this out in your head. I had avoided relationships and intimacy, even inside my marriage, (which, of course was my contribution to the challenges). And now I’m in a two-year relationship with a man who has made me feel so motivated to face my fears. I’ve never felt anything like it before. And that was a lot of what promoted the healing, because I kept having to force myself to get on the field with him, even when I wanted to run away.
Your insights have been incredibly helpful to understand my ex-husband who is in recovery dealing with addiction. I think he is not as self-aware, and it’s just helpful for me to become more and more clear about how I can have compassion for him without taking on blame me that he’s unfairly assigning to me. Even just being able to parse out what’s my responsibility and what’s his has been a gift of this process. Your information helped me understand how I got into the relationship with him in the first place… Beyond the obvious which is that we were coming together to heal ourselves… And it’s helping me navigate coparenting with him. Thank you!
@@AttachmentAdam That makes sense. Yes I had a fearful avoidant/disorganized attachment style that I’ve worked on over the last two years and it’s been a game changer.
When I first found attachment theory, I figured I was avoidant and my wife was anxious. After taking a test, I am avoidant, but my wife is in the disorganized/fearful avoidant category.
I am 23, your work is priceless and unique. Your talking points I have never heard before despite researching psychology casually for about a decade and you are doing great work. Thank you.
Thank you, I appreciate your feedback. Which points were most helpful to you?
The biological explanation. Learning about vasopressin and how it works helps because although I enjoy being in love, I struggle to feel love to begin with because I'm probably somewhere between avoidant and secure. I am also a schizoid. @@AttachmentAdam
What I really want to know, is why Avoidants are rarely the ones watching these videos OR watching videos on how to love their Anxious partner?
It could be that they're genuinely unaware about their attachment style, but what makes you think they rarely do?
@@AttachmentAdam I have lots of avoidants in my family and am married to one. My husband will do the work until it begins to bring up emotions then stops. Same thing with mom and sister.
I'm happy that you brought up no contact! So many use it as manipulation to getting your ex back or to help break the addiction to them. It's great to hear that there as so many healthy approaches to attachment issues. Thank you, Adam!
For all those who are asking, you can join the Attachment Circle mentorship program right here on my website: adamlanesmith.com/the-attachment-circle/
No thanks
If I can self-everything, why do I need a partner?
That's a good question. What role are you wanting a partner to fulfill in your life?
It sounds like you dismiss “manipulative” avoidants as not worth dealing with… can you explain deeper why that is? weve all hurt people at some point, why do you make it seem like “manipulative” avoidants are not worth your time?
Are you referring to narcissists? I’m confused.
People who actively manipulate others at the current moment and who exploit others for personal satisfaction are unlikely to open up and form trusting relationships. My goal is not to dismiss anyone but to help people make educated decisions about who is likely to reward their trust versus betray it.
Thank you for your response. Very true. But I have yet to meet an avoidant who isn’t manipulative…. It ranges from a little to very but it seems to be a main feature. I never found it to be intentional or malicious though, unlike narcissists.
I’m a recovering fearful avoidant btw:)
@@thesebone5 good point. Same here. I would also like to hear more about manipulative avoidants.
Does this include anxious avoidants?
18:14 or so- “be predictable and consistent” well what if the anxious partner is predictably and consistently over the top and out of emotional control? I mean in that case, as an avoidant, if they start to be able to emotionally regulate that would be traumatic lol.
Do you think avoidant ppl are actually just super emotional and all in their feelings. ?
Love your channel And messages
Thank you for your kind words. What did you find to be the most helpful on this channel?
Oh this is good . Really good ! Hearing this really made me understand the thought process of a avoidant person . It makes sense now
Thank you so much, I highly appreciate your feedback and I'm glad to be of help. What was your 'a-ha' moment while watching this?
I just want ONE short 10ish min video that you could give a DA who doesnt know they are Da, explains avoidant attachment, how it comes about, what it looks like. Benefits and drawbacks and the chemical thing (dopamine focused etc)
They're too long, DA would not listen to all of that and your video headings would make them run a mile rather than watch/listen with an open mind.
Is it possible that we are BOTH avoidantly attached? The self eval in the book Attached shows I score high on the anxious traits but, I identify with all the risk management characteristics you describe in the avoidantly attached. I was raised in part by an unmedicated bipolar Dad which makes me believe I can trust, if I am very careful to suss out what‘s going on first.
I do feel gratified when someone takes my feelings seriously. I don’t think my partner thinks I am good with self soothing. I usually don‘t share disappointment w him unless I am at my wits end with him being totally self contained, unenthusiastic and cold.
Partner is avoidant. I have learned and am working on me being anxious
Working on yourself first is a great step to fix your relationship dynamics. Anxious-avoidant relationships tend to be tough on both partners. Let me know if you need any help. I'd love to hear from you, what's something effective that you've learned and implemented?
But when u say “avoidant” are u referring to fearful avoidants or dismissive Avoidants? @attachmentadam
*really* wish more talking about "avoidant attachment" would distinguish between DA & FA as an FA in love with a DA we definitely have similarities & overlap but there are serious differences, too
@r_and_a there will be overlap because if your an FA the avoidant side is like a DA. The the anxious part that might be different. Usually an FA will feel more anxious in a relationship with a DA.
@@michellegirau8136 well aware, thanks. imo you're oversimplifying, FAs are *not* just a combo of DA & AP - we do tend to swing from *similarities* with the two but we are distinct from each.
I recently discovered your channel and have been binge watching your content. As a student of relationship dynamics and someone who has been working on my own history and triggers for a couple of decades, I have tremendous appreciation for the immense value of your insights and counsel. You explain things so clearly and compassionately and bring practical solutions. I am truly grateful for all your hard work, Adam, and pray continued success over all you do!
Maybe avoidants can focus on their own trustworthiness and how they indeed hurt others.
Maybe.
Exactly but they need help to first have self awareness to change.
@@queenwarrior281so true
I'm confused on your channel. Is this geared towards avoidant people only?
Mine more significant by side of my father's wife that swaft my fear in case if i have a someone to appreicate me with my anxious envirement ...not partically let my explainations to adjust of accepting by making myself more safer
Regards that my father's wife being total against my self imporvement and leveling my mental control in my previous years, unfortunately i couldn't use a better a word a narcissist , revealing a lot of steam lately of overthinking consciously .
Today using good energies properly towards the people that i live on good terms and learning on progess by myself
Do you recommend flirting via text messages to show interest? Would that “give them dopamine?”
His “safety” was having access to all correspondence, even to my girlfriends, and that I wasn’t allowed to see a therapist- that was emotional cheating in his mind.
Definitely avoidant.
Sounds enormously controlling and destructive.
Sounds anxious actually. If I was with a man who was in my business and insecure with me growing.. that’s insecure & overly anxious yes controlling.. as an Avoidant I would run. I have no desire to control people. But trusting they are there when I really need someone to lean on…
One thing I’m curious about is that avoidants value fairness and mutual transactions but when the anxious over gives expecting something in return, that feels unfair? Can you shine some light on this? Is it the expectation driving it that feels off? How is it fair for the anxious partner?
I had the exact same question... I think there must be a choice for the avoidant partner... they have to be presented with the need we have (in measurable ways for them, meaning they have to know what, why and how many times/how often) so they can picture and predict what it will mean to them to fulfill it... if they can't picture and predict, I guess their engagement will decrease, because they won't see any secure way to be successful in the process... they have to be presented the need in a way that they can assess the risk it represents, the investment of energy it represents for them, and if there is a potential for them to fail or to be successful... it's almost like a business deal.
I’m glad you clarify how you don’t want anyone to abuse the power you teach them the level of compassion from all angles towards all members of your audience and being able to take harsh criticism with openness and laughter is really badass and sweet simultaneously which is definitely,em what drew me to your content
This seems really one sided.. it seems like you just shouldn't date avoidant ppl.
you say avoidant people are surviving because they have gone through awful things. what if they haven't. can someone be avoidant, if they have no major traumas, no abuse in their family? if anything, they were spoiled.
Avoidants can come from smothering parent(s)
How do I join the attachment circle?
Hey there, I'd love for you to join us and to be able to mentor you for a whole year. Check out this link on my website to join the Attachment Circle: adamlanesmith.com/the-attachment-circle/
you cant share any feelings, i agree
Anxious person and I have never heard that but deep down it is true
I wish I would have seen this 6 years ago... It would have possibly changed everything. Or maybe I overestimate my influence on the relationship I had. Anyways. It's all broken and gone and I feel guilty and defeated.
What do you mean by policing? 22:13
Such valuable and healing information
Minor note, this may be a cultural difference, but in antiquity, particularly Hebrew marriages, the groom was responsible for building and preparing the bridal suite and starter home for his new family.
That's still the case in a lot of cultures and religions. What do you think about this structure?
@@AttachmentAdam I'm Judeo-Christian myself, so I prefer the patristic method for it's eschatological symbolism, but I know that's a bit off topic for discussion on avoidant personalities.
I actually just found out about this attachment style yesterday and binged a bunch of your videos and another channels to better understand it. Unfortunately, it describes me perfectly to the letter. Fortunately, your approach to explaining it is incredibly informative and encouraging. Just so happens that a girl I'm trying to move on from is almost certainly an anxious attachment style, and as you said, it's like we're speaking different languages. I'm hoping this will help explain my perspective to her.
As far as the "woman preparing the bridal chamber" idea, I like the concept, yes. I do think men should bear the brunt of leadership stressors, but I also think wise wives will recognize and reward that effort on his part by being more receptive to his needs. Speaking personally, one of the ways I express affection and appreciation best is by hearing someone's needs and trying to help with them as appropriate, and it's much easier to do that when I know I can trust the other person while my back is turned, so to speak.
The girl I mentioned actually initially did quite a number on restoring my sanity - I was legitimately feeling burnt out on the idea of affection and "unworthy" of interpersonal love. However, around the six month mark, she started exhibiting behavior inconsistent with what I had experience prior to that point, and lo and behold, when I expressed my displeasure and backed up a bit, she started panicking and saying I was being cold and distant.
As an anxiously attached person, I just realised this when my loved ones started getting exhausted with my constant overthinking and needy nature. It's exhausting being us but it's I think it's even more exhausting being our support system 😅😅. Been leaning on God and prayers a lot and then came across this channel. Love what you're doing. Currently in a relationship with someone displaying avoidant attachment behaviours and this channel has helped me understand and justify why I choose to be compassionate and patient with him. He's a good, kind and generous man and I'm sure there's many avoidants the same way, seeking compassionate and patient GF/partners.
It's great that you're finding support and understanding through faith and this channel. Recognizing the challenges of both anxious and avoidant attachment styles is a big step towards building a healthier relationship. How has this new understanding changed your approach in your relationship?
@@AttachmentAdam I'm finding myself being more compassionate and empathetic to his style of communication. I find myself trying to be selfless and not self-centred, less judgemental when I'm loving him. Hopefully, he'll find his healing from this relationship as I have begun mine, and if this isn't God's will for me, I at the very least pray that he and I come out of this relationship, healed.
@@AttachmentAdam one other thing, Adam, now that I am aware of this attachment style, I am not feeling shocked when he suddenly shuts down or tries to bolt when he starts sensing intimacy. It's helping me see the difference between his fear and his intentions and am not feeling as offended and hurt as I used to earlier.
@@AttachmentAdam Hi Adam,
He broke up with me. The emotions were too much for him to handle. He calls me fatty as an endearing nickname and last Sunday, he said "I love my fatty". That was the closest he got to admitting his feelings. But then last night, he said he wants to be alone, cannot support me financially (I reassured him several times that I can handle my own) and that it's too much emotions. Says he doesn't love me and don't think he can in future. Said I should find someone else. Seems like he'd rather sabotage the relationship then to face his fears. I can now only pray for his soul everyday and hope God hears me.
I fought hard and I have lost the battle. I still love him and do not blame him for what has happened and only wish now that he heals.
Thank you for your videos. They've helped me understand him a lot.
So you can both feel "connected".
@37:00 being female ai engr, I’m now the one going into the brutal world basically knowingly doing things with ai automation that I KNOW lots of ppl don’t get DO feel like an internal conflict for job displacements but I also am ok with it because self elevating has never been more accessible, so it’s to me, a choice. I tried the house husband thing and i ran out of words to express that working from home, I need a safe clean space myself and like those in my home are the ones on my team, and that I’m not the breadwinner and the maid and the peace keeper and the cook. Absolutely lots of these things can be outsources but it became very VERY disruptive for me and just one more thing to have to manage and coordinate. Just sayin, I wish men knew why it’s important to help keep a home clean and be mindful of pets n kids and others safety . For me, it’s absolutely taxing and soul crushing when I wake up knowing the solution to a problem but I can’t just go get my ai to help me code it because I need water but can’t get to a cup cuz all the dishes are piled up then the spark of creativity gets sucked into cleaning a filthy mess. I’m not ocd or a neat freak- I’m just saying these tip toeing around men is a bit outdated
The question is: how do you communicate needs without their ego falling apart, when you’ve got sooo much on your plate and want to care for them but they’re the ones not keeping their end of the bargain so you have to live in a landmine
I completely understand where you’re coming from, and it’s incredibly frustrating when you’re balancing a high-demand job like yours while also feeling the weight of managing the household. Have you tried framing the conversation in terms of partnership and teamwork?
Rather than it feeling like a critique, it might help to focus on the idea that a clean, safe, organized space benefits *both* of you. If you’re feeling like the burden is entirely on you, it’s important to communicate that clearly, but without making it feel like an attack.
If you want to dive deeper into how to communicate this effectively or set clearer boundaries in the household, I’m here to help. Feel free to reach out to me through support@adamlanesmith.com
Which avoidant style would divorce and be celibate for years but stay friends with the ex? Said ex is now engaged to someone else…
DA
Adam… me and my husband definitely need help!
Hi Faye, please do not hesitate to reach out to me at support@adamlanesmith.com so we can discuss the help you need in detail.
Amazing content. So glad you popped up on my algorithm at just the right time.❤
Welcome aboard and I'm so glad to hear that! ❤
Obsessed with feelings! Wow!
How can I join your community?
I saw your other comment and replied there, looking forward to having you join us!
Hi, this is another incredibly useful video.
Thank you!
I'm looking for some support and information on how to bring topics for commitment to my DA partner. Is there a video anyone can point me towards.
I'm FA but leaning towards secure through a lot of self understanding and work.
I'd like my partner to move in later in the year and would like to slowly raise the topic with him so he has time to think about it and get excited! We have so much fun together and support each other...i want to create the flowerbed for it to bloom
Watch the newest video I just released today about how to get an avoidant man into a committed relationship, you will love it.
@@AttachmentAdam thank you so mu
I AM that anxious attachment person!!!!
I constantly try to be better
(And often feel suicidal)
ITS ME!!!
I will to do ALL it takes
I’ll follow the instructions on your videos
I scare him at times
(Of course I don’t tell him all my anxious thoughts)
Partner
I don't need to get anyone to open up to me. If someone doesn't want to be with me, it's pointless to try to get them to do anything.
Sometimes it's not that they don't want to be with you, it's their unhealed wounds and attachment style making them scared of opening up and building a genuine connection. Would you say you're avoidant, anxious or securely attached?
@AttachmentAdam Mary Boleyn is my 13th great-grandmother. You could say I don't trust men very well with my heart or my body.
🖐PTSD increases avoidant behavior
Has that been your experience?
Could you make a video on what happens when a ethical dismissive avoidand dates another ethical dismissive avoidand? Would they have the perfect relation-/ situationship? Or would they just grow apart and realize at some point that they forgot contacting each other? Or what would happen? I'm just so curios
I’m very anxious and I want to control myself and be better for my avoidant, I want him to feel comfortable and feel safe to open up to me
Feel free to email me at support@adamlanesmith.com and I will share resources and strategies with you - Happy to help!
That is me too. I would love to know skills and how to handle my anxious attachment so I can bring peace to my boyfriend.
I have a question. If I can get my avoidant to open up, how do I respond? Should it be laid out before hand how theyd like to be responded to? Such as 'Do you want comiseration or solutions?'.. the last thing Id want to do is have them open up then alienate them by responding incorrectly.
U described my DA re: kissing! U say that can mean they’re a fearful avoidant, but I’m rather sure he’s a DA! Can one be both ??
why are you sure he's DA vs FA? FAs are often considered to swing from more DA to more AP with our own special "extras" sort of sprinkled in
@@r_and_a Too many things he’s said and done point to DA. Plus I took an attachment quiz using whatever info I know about him, and it came out DA. But Adam nailed it about kissing. There was fear and discomfort in our very short good night kiss that *i* initiated. Before that, I had no idea there was an issue. 🥺
@@r_and_a what special extras please? I did also notice that he had some anxiety going on when he spoke about unexpected work issues.
@@r_and_a we haven’t spoken in weeks. Neither of us has reached out. Idk what to do. Are DAs (or FAs) triggered when asked by their partner (so gently) to share what happened in their past? Is it awful for them that their secret is out, perhaps embarrassing? 😢
I’d say they every single person has parts of both.
These are just models. All models are wrong, but some are useful. I think this is a useful model.
Love your perspective on this topic… very refreshing! Looking forward to the women’s avoidance video 🫶🏼 thank you
Thank you so much for your kind words! I'm glad you enjoyed the perspective. You'll be pleased to know that the women's avoidance video is now available. You can watch it here, if you haven't yet ruclips.net/video/2FJVjBOYq8g/видео.html . Enjoy! 🫶🏼
I have a question..
My DA really loves hugs and cuddles and when I caress him..once he said he could spend a whole day cuddling with me..
Does this mean he is bonding or is this just dopamine for him?
Speakign about self soothing. i understand the importance of it, and absolutely see how i do that, but what about co-regulation? Not codependency, but just the expectation of SOME containment or support about my emotions beinf one of my needs like us as anxious are tryign to take care of their needs for safety and consistency and space?
Every time I watch your videos, I come to the conclusion that they are too much work. You can't be you and that's not right.
I hear you. The truth is that is really is a lot of work to become secure and let go of our past baggage. What would make the work seem worth it in your opinion?
@@AttachmentAdam I think they may need to find people who naturally act how they need people to be. Instead of changing others to suit them. What is the perfect type for them naturally? Avoid + avoid = 0. Anxious + Anxious = 💣.
Is there a point when you can safely lay out your expectations to your avoidant partner ? for instance , I would like to be texted or check in at least once a day to establish regular communication between us , or is that to demanding ?
Every new activity or challenge navigated thru together strengthen the relationship with avoidant people.
Navigate foreign territory with tools and practice runs with trusted partner.
i was listening to some of your videos and love them.
i am wondering what's your point of view on "no contact" after a breakup. if i get u right, avoidant men don't trust, u love them and would be fair to them, that u would not let them down. is no contact a "letting down"?
i am surprised i have not seen anything about how to handle breakups when an avoidant pulled back - or did i just miss it?
Recognize limitations and challenges in ones own behavior... asking for help.
Is there a point when you can safely lay out your expectations to your avoidant partner ? for instance , I would like to be texted or check in at least once a day to establish regular communication between us , or is that to demanding ?
Partner
Me. Im devouring informtion about this because I have had problems from this all my adult life. I want to be better.
Partner
Partner
Partner
Partner
Wow, wished I would have seen this a few years ago...
What would this information have changed?
Prevented acting from unawareness... healthier dynamics...
@@AttachmentAdam Maybe the entire course of my relationship, but I guess learning the lessons the hard way is a deeper learning.
No transcript?? 😢
Educationing myself flooded with so much knowledge
Me 😅
Feel free to ask any questions on your mind! I'm here to help however I can.
Yes bcuz we dont know how to self soothe. Our emotions are intense and we dont know how to regulate them.
Will you do the same video for avoidant women? 🙂
Done
Hey, here is what you requested! ruclips.net/video/2FJVjBOYq8g/видео.html 😊
Being an avoidant in recovery I can confirm 100% everything you say
Hello. A question: how does one know that he has an avoidant attachmwnt style? I am a 30 yo shut in, no job, no degree, no close/real relationships (I screwed up the only one that came close), no purpose in life, no goal, barely holding on, suicidal ideations etc. In therapy and treatment for general depression.
Thanks for reaching out. Avoidant attachment shows up in various ways, and I encourage you to check the playlist my channel titled 'What Does Avoidant Attachment Look Like In Relationships?' or the blog on my website adamlanesmith.com for more clarity. I also encourage you to reach out to me through support@adamlanesmith.com so we can discuss your situation in a solution-focused manner. I'd be absolutely happy to help.
Why are Avoidants glued to their phones? Mine is always online.
Dude right! Nonstop! God forbid you try a casual "who ya chatting with?" or "anything interesting?"
It's an easy impulsive way to shut out the world. Yet they swear up and down it isn't an avoidance tactic!
@@Leo9ine I call it connection from afar. Pretty sad. 😔
That’s how we maintain connection and maintain control. It’s much easier to block a person who violates boundaries than it is to walk away and not risk being accosted.
“With no manipulation tactics” lol. The employment of such language in the title is a form of manipulation in itself to “guide” avoidants to watch. Nevertheless I thought this was a good video.
Dopamine shoots ! It creates constant "connexion" (superficial but consistent, so reassuring), it keeps the feeling of emptiness at bay... it's like doom scrolling or eating sugar non stop, same effects on the brain chemistry... Think of ADHD... it's like having candies so you don't suffer too much from your lack of dopamine!