1 thing all attachment coaches will skip over… the fact that avoidantly attached people are dopamine junkies, and serial daters - more often than not they move on with another person, EVEN if they loved you and your relationship was significant.
Yeah, he expresses regret, will to change, nostalgia and whatsoever all over social media, but he doesn’t reach out, he knows he messed up big time, but at the same time I think he simply wasn’t attracted to me and was so cold and dismissive with me and yet still not letting me go that even if I want I cannot take him back. He’s toxic, mean, selfish and inconsiderate.
Almost made it 2 full years NC. I caved and contacted xmas eve. We texted back and forth for a couple days. Mostly pleasantries and light topics but she inquired about my life since we last spoke and I, hers. I rushed and told her straight i want to rebuild the bond between us. Even though we had been going back and forth for days at the point she claims shes not open to talking. I got a bit emotional at that point and start apologizing for my mistakes in our relationship. She comments on how she does reflect on our time together but it was a learning experience for her and ultimately a good thing. The implication of that was rather gut-wrenching. She went on to say how she sees how I have grown since then and that she has too. The last things she says are that maybe we can get together for a drink one day and “laugh at it all” but thats still a distant point. That bit hurt too. Did not have the heart to tell her what i thought about that statement as i did not want to push her further away. Lastly says she does not wish for me to feel guilty or carry the pain around with me. That i should forgive myself as she already has. I do not want this to have been the last time we spoke. However it’s difficult to accept that it’s truly over. I’m confused as to why she even replied only to say she does not want to continue talking. I have processed a lot of what happened these past few years yet theres still this limerence and lingering bond. I cant get our memories together out of my head. At this point i do not think the pain will ever fully go away. We have both dated since the break up. Yet i still do not feel about these other women how i feel about her. Believe me i have tried to move on in every way in know how. This love for her feels as though it will never die. I have to live with it as a close companion yet it causes so much pain. I don’t know what to do or why i typed this. Perhaps sharing this may make someone else feel understood or not so alone in this type of experience. I hope so.
I am in the same situation, it's been 6 months since the breakup, he's with someone else, got engaged, and I'm still suffering, I really want this pain to end 😢.
@@Cornelius1212 Strange because lingering thoughts of them impact your future relationships and ability to put all you can into them. However they tend to move on so easily as if they truly never cared. Messes with your head
@@almakudabayeva3264 Thank you for sharing as well. The pain of seeing someone who you thought you would spend the rest of your time with marry someone else, give all you asked of them to someone else….its so crushing in the oddest way. Although for me the one who did that was my first gf not the woman who i am currently suffering over but she too will likely marry this guy. There’s a movie with Ryan Reynolds i think about a guy who every person he dates they leave and find the person they will marry as the very next partner. I think its called The Change Up. Its like my life right now
In my experience, they initially don't display avoidant traits with someone else, quite the opposite, they usually try to fast track the relationship by smothering you with attention. It's when the relationship gets more serious that their avoidant traits start manifesting. It's all downhill from there because they're not self aware. They'll move onto the next new thing to do it all over again. Their family and friends see this relationship jumping cycle but dare not mention it.
True, And also - deep down if they have a bit of self awareness as some do - they feel damaged and shameful for their lack of ability to stay in our relationship, So in the next following connection they try to prove to themselves that we were a specific problem and that's why things fell apart - meaning they will try the hardest to be at their best with new partnet so they will not need to admit that they are the main problem in any relationship... they will try with this strategy to take off the guilt, BUT, eventually, when things will look the same in dysfunction when their new intrest shows emotional needs or closeness, probably are'nt aware of attachment like we do and making many mistakes, then things will fall apart again,and maybe then they will begin to see THEIR OWN destructive pattern and begin the long long road of trying to heal themselves... Therapy is not magic, it takes years and years to work on attachment trauma, I know... and needs to be a good therapist, so, I am not very optimistic for them, most of them will move through connections withgreat dysfunction, with being attracted to avoidants, a d will have a very sad love life. Very sad, for our heartbreak and for them.
Your best video ,thoughtful ,sensitive ,intelligent, and compassionate.I have dscovered that once I stopped obsessing over my ex , I was able to neuitralize the situation and heal , resulting in better self awareness and confidence..
Another super video Alexis. So informative and empowering. Your content always explains the different perspectives and how it is Ok to accept that some relationships are only there to help us grow after the breakup.
Hi Coach Alexis. DA became distant, made excuses for little things and broke up. After the break up, within 2 months he quickly jumped to the rebound relationship. Before our relationship he was constantly dating and breaking up, ours was the longest at 2.5 years. His current girlfriend claims they are engaged and planning to get married. My question is will they do the same with their current relationship or will they change without healing and working on themselves?
I am in no contact after he went hot/ cold on me when I was making the effort to see each other once a week to keep it cool. He says he loves me but he does not know what he wants. I fear that he will not dare to approach me now that I am not either 😮
I have an avoidant who left me cause her parents didn't approve of our friendship and thought we were dating while in reality we did confess feelings but wanted to stay friends. Her sister reads our convo when she was sleeping and made a whole family issue where she was forced to leave me even as a friend just because we confessed feelings. She is an avoidant. Please help what should I do. We haven't had chat or calls for 20 days completely silent and I am planning to keep it this way but it's hard. I need some advice and will she be back?
Lol She said, she doesnt want a relationship right now bc of freedom. But she still wants to get to know me, doesnt mean it will lead to anything. I should date others. All these after we were official of 2 months. She wanted a break due to her professional sport. I broke off 7 days ago. I said she really hurt me, and I need 2 months at least to recover. But we can check in February. But I guess I am doomed, bc you said, if they know they hurt me. I kinda dont want her back. But back as friends
I wrote this on one of your other videos but I’m copying it here for visibility. How can someone know if they have avoidant attachment or they just have high standards? I don't think I fear intimacy, I think I would really enjoy being in a relationship with someone i'm highly compatible with, but I've been told my desire for this is a form of avoidance, as I'm allegedly using an idealized version of the perfect partner to subconsciously reject any real potentials if they don't fit that mold. I'm unsure if this is true, as I believe it's just a way of saying don't be too picky and I should settle, and if I were to do that and become traumatized after trying to be in a relationship with someone who is incompatible, people would just say oh well that's life, even though I could have potentially avoided the unnecessary heart ache by choosing a partner who is more compatible? Please make a video on this, avoidance vs high standards.
Those are great points. An analogy I've used with dating is this.. I love steak. But I'd rather go my entire life waiting for that perfect cut of beef than eat 100 shitty steaks. I understand what you mean. Romantic relationships are not such a big need of mine that I'm willing to settle. I'm usually single for at least 5 years in between relationships. When I say single, I mean single single like no dating or sex. I'm not so picky as in they have to be super good looking or have a lot of money or anything. But I AM picky when it comes to someone's energy. If they're overly anxious I am repelled. Same if they're too avoidant. It has to be the perfect feeling or I'm not going to waste my time.
I just got my answer from another video that just came out. It’s as if that content creator saw my question lol. Anyway apparently not getting into relationships unless the person is as highly compatible as possible is also a form of avoidant attachment. Sad. Welp at least I don’t waste peoples time lol. m.ruclips.net/video/yTREMNbaTNg/видео.html
Heartache does not have to be traumatising, there are lessons in every relationship and if you let fear control you then you're not going to get far sadly. I know for a fact I will be okay after a break-up, it doesn't mean it hurts less but I know I won't dwell on it for too long and move on, life returns to normal eventually and we're off to the races again
@@vans4lyf2013 honestly, I wouldn't go by Coach Ryan. He is extremely biased against avoidants hence why he never does videos talking about the toxic traits of anxious attachments. Attachment theory is just that, a theory. Yes there are relatable traits that some of us have to specific attachment styles, but I don't believe for a second that it's as negative as some people put out there. Not wanting to date until you find someone that you truly vibe with is a secure move. You know what you want and you don't want to waste anyone's time, so why is it "avoidant" to not get into 50 relationships to try a bunch of people out? Personally, I don't think romantic partnerships are as important as some people make it out to be. We don't NEED a partner. So why would we settle for just anyone?
@@Lebofly romantic relationships are not that important to everyone. Not enough to sacrifice our peace. Society has it instilled in us that being in a relationship is how it's "supposed to go". Says who? There are plenty of relationships we have with other people such as family, friends, our pets, our coworkers or neighbors. While I've learned some lessons along the way, if I could have a do over in life, I wouldn't have dated most of the men that I did. I'd forgo that lesson for my health and sanity.
![BLACK BAG - Official Trailer [HD] - Only in Theaters March 14](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/Du0Xp8WX_7I/mqdefault.jpg)
1 thing all attachment coaches will skip over… the fact that avoidantly attached people are dopamine junkies, and serial daters - more often than not they move on with another person, EVEN if they loved you and your relationship was significant.
Yup. Triggered, run, feel lonely, find someone new to fill the void, never do the work.
Yeah, he expresses regret, will to change, nostalgia and whatsoever all over social media, but he doesn’t reach out, he knows he messed up big time, but at the same time I think he simply wasn’t attracted to me and was so cold and dismissive with me and yet still not letting me go that even if I want I cannot take him back. He’s toxic, mean, selfish and inconsiderate.
Almost made it 2 full years NC. I caved and contacted xmas eve. We texted back and forth for a couple days. Mostly pleasantries and light topics but she inquired about my life since we last spoke and I, hers.
I rushed and told her straight i want to rebuild the bond between us. Even though we had been going back and forth for days at the point she claims shes not open to talking.
I got a bit emotional at that point and start apologizing for my mistakes in our relationship. She comments on how she does reflect on our time together but it was a learning experience for her and ultimately a good thing. The implication of that was rather gut-wrenching. She went on to say how she sees how I have grown since then and that she has too.
The last things she says are that maybe we can get together for a drink one day and “laugh at it all” but thats still a distant point. That bit hurt too. Did not have the heart to tell her what i thought about that statement as i did not want to push her further away.
Lastly says she does not wish for me to feel guilty or carry the pain around with me. That i should forgive myself as she already has.
I do not want this to have been the last time we spoke. However it’s difficult to accept that it’s truly over. I’m confused as to why she even replied only to say she does not want to continue talking.
I have processed a lot of what happened these past few years yet theres still this limerence and lingering bond. I cant get our memories together out of my head. At this point i do not think the pain will ever fully go away. We have both dated since the break up. Yet i still do not feel about these other women how i feel about her. Believe me i have tried to move on in every way in know how. This love for her feels as though it will never die. I have to live with it as a close companion yet it causes so much pain.
I don’t know what to do or why i typed this. Perhaps sharing this may make someone else feel understood or not so alone in this type of experience. I hope so.
I feel everything you feel as well. 2 years and 4 months, and Ive dated as well, but alas no one like my ex. And I also cant get her out of my head.
I am in the same situation, it's been 6 months since the breakup, he's with someone else, got engaged, and I'm still suffering, I really want this pain to end 😢.
This has made me cry. Me and my DA 'situationship' were just the same. He's rebounded with someone else though 😢
@@Cornelius1212
Strange because lingering thoughts of them impact your future relationships and ability to put all you can into them. However they tend to move on so easily as if they truly never cared. Messes with your head
@@almakudabayeva3264
Thank you for sharing as well. The pain of seeing someone who you thought you would spend the rest of your time with marry someone else, give all you asked of them to someone else….its so crushing in the oddest way.
Although for me the one who did that was my first gf not the woman who i am currently suffering over but she too will likely marry this guy.
There’s a movie with Ryan Reynolds i think about a guy who every person he dates they leave and find the person they will marry as the very next partner. I think its called The Change Up. Its like my life right now
In my experience, they initially don't display avoidant traits with someone else, quite the opposite, they usually try to fast track the relationship by smothering you with attention. It's when the relationship gets more serious that their avoidant traits start manifesting. It's all downhill from there because they're not self aware. They'll move onto the next new thing to do it all over again. Their family and friends see this relationship jumping cycle but dare not mention it.
🎯
True, And also - deep down if they have a bit of self awareness as some do - they feel damaged and shameful for their lack of ability to stay in our relationship,
So in the next following connection they try to prove to themselves that we were a specific problem and that's why things fell apart - meaning they will try the hardest to be at their best with new partnet so they will not need to admit that they are the main problem in any relationship... they will try with this strategy to take off the guilt,
BUT, eventually, when things will look the same in dysfunction when their new intrest shows emotional needs or closeness, probably are'nt aware of attachment like we do and making many mistakes, then things will fall apart again,and maybe then they will begin to see THEIR OWN destructive pattern and begin the long long road of trying to heal themselves...
Therapy is not magic, it takes years and years to work on attachment trauma, I know... and needs to be a good therapist, so, I am not very optimistic for them, most of them will move through connections withgreat dysfunction, with being attracted to avoidants, a d will have a very sad love life. Very sad, for our heartbreak and for them.
@@AABTBS Yes, that's the pattern exactly how you described, verbatim ...
Your best video ,thoughtful ,sensitive ,intelligent, and compassionate.I have dscovered that once I stopped obsessing over my ex , I was able to neuitralize the situation and heal , resulting in better self awareness and confidence..
I was in a long distance relationship for 8 years. That was just as heart breaking as my marriage i once had with a narcissist.
Another super video Alexis. So informative and empowering. Your content always explains the different perspectives and how it is Ok to accept that some relationships are only there to help us grow after the breakup.
Hi Coach Alexis. DA became distant, made excuses for little things and broke up. After the break up, within 2 months he quickly jumped to the rebound relationship. Before our relationship he was constantly dating and breaking up, ours was the longest at 2.5 years. His current girlfriend claims they are engaged and planning to get married. My question is will they do the same with their current relationship or will they change without healing and working on themselves?
I am in no contact after he went hot/ cold on me when I was making the effort to see each other once a week to keep it cool. He says he loves me but he does not know what he wants. I fear that he will not dare to approach me now that I am not either 😮
Another very helpful video thank you
I have an avoidant who left me cause her parents didn't approve of our friendship and thought we were dating while in reality we did confess feelings but wanted to stay friends. Her sister reads our convo when she was sleeping and made a whole family issue where she was forced to leave me even as a friend just because we confessed feelings. She is an avoidant. Please help what should I do. We haven't had chat or calls for 20 days completely silent and I am planning to keep it this way but it's hard. I need some advice and will she be back?
Lol She said, she doesnt want a relationship right now bc of freedom. But she still wants to get to know me, doesnt mean it will lead to anything. I should date others. All these after we were official of 2 months. She wanted a break due to her professional sport. I broke off 7 days ago. I said she really hurt me, and I need 2 months at least to recover. But we can check in February. But I guess I am doomed, bc you said, if they know they hurt me. I kinda dont want her back. But back as friends
Thanks for yhis
I wrote this on one of your other videos but I’m copying it here for visibility.
How can someone know if they have avoidant attachment or they just have high standards?
I don't think I fear intimacy, I think I would really enjoy being in a relationship with someone i'm highly compatible with, but I've been told my desire for this is a form of avoidance, as I'm allegedly using an idealized version of the perfect partner to subconsciously reject any real potentials if they don't fit that mold. I'm unsure if this is true, as I believe it's just a way of saying don't be too picky and I should settle, and if I were to do that and become traumatized after trying to be in a relationship with someone who is incompatible, people would just say oh well that's life, even though I could have potentially avoided the unnecessary heart ache by choosing a partner who is more compatible?
Please make a video on this, avoidance vs high standards.
Those are great points. An analogy I've used with dating is this..
I love steak. But I'd rather go my entire life waiting for that perfect cut of beef than eat 100 shitty steaks.
I understand what you mean. Romantic relationships are not such a big need of mine that I'm willing to settle. I'm usually single for at least 5 years in between relationships. When I say single, I mean single single like no dating or sex. I'm not so picky as in they have to be super good looking or have a lot of money or anything. But I AM picky when it comes to someone's energy. If they're overly anxious I am repelled. Same if they're too avoidant. It has to be the perfect feeling or I'm not going to waste my time.
I just got my answer from another video that just came out. It’s as if that content creator saw my question lol. Anyway apparently not getting into relationships unless the person is as highly compatible as possible is also a form of avoidant attachment. Sad. Welp at least I don’t waste peoples time lol.
m.ruclips.net/video/yTREMNbaTNg/видео.html
Heartache does not have to be traumatising, there are lessons in every relationship and if you let fear control you then you're not going to get far sadly. I know for a fact I will be okay after a break-up, it doesn't mean it hurts less but I know I won't dwell on it for too long and move on, life returns to normal eventually and we're off to the races again
@@vans4lyf2013 honestly, I wouldn't go by Coach Ryan. He is extremely biased against avoidants hence why he never does videos talking about the toxic traits of anxious attachments.
Attachment theory is just that, a theory. Yes there are relatable traits that some of us have to specific attachment styles, but I don't believe for a second that it's as negative as some people put out there.
Not wanting to date until you find someone that you truly vibe with is a secure move. You know what you want and you don't want to waste anyone's time, so why is it "avoidant" to not get into 50 relationships to try a bunch of people out?
Personally, I don't think romantic partnerships are as important as some people make it out to be. We don't NEED a partner. So why would we settle for just anyone?
@@Lebofly romantic relationships are not that important to everyone. Not enough to sacrifice our peace. Society has it instilled in us that being in a relationship is how it's "supposed to go". Says who? There are plenty of relationships we have with other people such as family, friends, our pets, our coworkers or neighbors. While I've learned some lessons along the way, if I could have a do over in life, I wouldn't have dated most of the men that I did. I'd forgo that lesson for my health and sanity.