gabe's reaction to people not reciprocating question-asking is so Real lmfao, i feel like neurodivergent people grow up having to learn how to behave in human interactions because it's not always intuitive to us, and sometimes it's hammered so hard into us that it feels WILD when other people just Don't Get It????? like hello? why are you not following The Rules!!!!! nobody constantly policed your behavior?! personally, i'm great at asking reciprocal questions (like, if someone asks if i have siblings, i understand i should answer and then ask the question back), but i'm SO BAD at starting conversations or knowing what to ask if the other person doesn't get the ball rolling. OR sometimes i ask something impulsively and the question seems abrupt/invasive/weird to the other person, because my thought process is not visible to them, and i'm like I DON'T KNOW HOW TO RECOVER FROM THIS :)))
same. At first conversations, I ask unusual questions a lot of the times. When the recipients are taken aback and give terminal responses, that's the end of the conversation and then we sit in silence. It happens mostly during commute, so people can't escape me until it's time to get down. I feel like I am an inconvenience to them. Proof is that they don't sit next to me even if they are commuting alone and I have a seat available next to me. They would rather doomscroll than talk to me.
real. also on asking questions-- curiosity is so important!! if I like somebody, I am genuinely curious about them. if they're not asking me anything about myself, it's like they simply just don't care to know me, which sucks. this is a quality I'm really prioritizing now in choosing the people I share my time with. as it turns out, apparently some people only care about being heard, and don't care to listen, and they ain't worth your time (no matter how much you've already invested!!) 👍
Sometimes my anxiety is so bad that i literally forget to ask questions. I fully know how to, but in the moment it wont even cross my mind until i reflect after and feel embarrassed and rude
“When someone doesn’t laugh at my jokes” is SO REAL like i immediately assume that folks don’t like me rather that maybe they don’t have anything against me, maybe they just don’t find me so funny. It still hurts my feelings so much though!
I hear you! With me, my jokes are references to movies, shows and games no one remembers anymore. Today's audience is either younger than me, or my age...but can only remember pop culture as long as it happened 5 minutes ago. 😂 So I never take the no-selling of my humor personally. It is mine, and I chose to express it anyway.
I think it depends on the situation though like if someone doesn't laugh at your joke and they also don't say anything after and there's like a long silence then I feel like they're just over the conversation
Allison, it was honestly so healing to hear you talk about your meetings that sometimes have a weird vibe and almost never lead to work. I've never heard someone say it that matter-of-factly before! I am self-employed, and I have SO many meetings that get me nowhere financially. But I need to connect with a lot of people in order to find clients and referral sources. I've been having trouble accepting this as part of being self-employed and starting my own business, but the way you touched on it made me feel less alone in taking a lot of meetings that I do not get paid for and that do not lead to me getting paid in the future. I know this wasn't the point of the video, but I kept on rewinding and watching those, like, 30 seconds, lol. Thank you!
Interesting topic, my take is to really consider anxiety. I often assume people don't like me unless they go out of their way to make plans to hang out but I think they think I don't like them but I'm just anxious around new people even if I seem fine.
I felt so insecure watching this bc I have horrible social anxiety so I typically just sit there laughing at everything and listening but not responding much bc it’s hard for me to express myself. idk how many times this has come off as rude lol
I can be a pretty hard marker of people but I TOTALLY agree that kindness is what makes the world go around. My liking someone is never a prerequisite to being kind to them - they have to earn my lack of kindness by being an asshole lmao. Everything sucks!!! But in our daily interactions we have the power to make life a little gentler on us all!!!!!
The first part of this video was lowkey a confirmation of all my fears about how I come across lol. My social anxiety means I’m awkward and quiet, sometimes to the point of overthinking every reaction I give. And then the other person notices I’m uncomfortable and walks away and I’m like NO come back I like you I’m just awkward. Gaby and Allison would definitely not like me rip. But I should try and take the advice from the second half of the video and not let it affect me!
Kinda the same with me. I’m like “welp, probably most everyone thinks I hate them then.” I mostly can only socially function when I’m in small groups of 3-4 and where it’s pretty quiet and easy to focus, like on a walk (and not always then either.) Otherwise I’m distracted and overwhelmed, and I have some auditory processing issues so I likely can’t understand what’s being said. Unless I’m having a REALLY rough time, I’ll often still smile and nod and laugh regardless of whether I know what’s going on, but I’m not going to be able to contribute to the conversation. Generally I have a much easier time communicating through writing. I’m thankful for the small handful of people who didn’t write me off as a potential friend when I wasn’t able to give normal social “I like you” cues in our first interactions! None of my close friends are people with whom I hit things off right away.
But also, sometimes people not lapping it up doesn't mean they don't like you. There are many people who I love being around and admire but I also have social anxiety and I'm more reserved, or sometimes I'm just having a bad day.
I was fully convinced that a coworker (I work remotely for context) had started hating me bc he was avoiding video calls and was suddenly super short over messenger. Turns out he had shingles and was just super sick. 🤦🏼♀️
3:10 I've heard this called the Wimpy Kid scale (after the novels), and Greg gets embarrassed by other people less socially aware. It's definitely a shared thing!
Talking about the magnetism of certain friends/friendships reminded me of the book the Rachel incident. I loved it so much I kind of want to recommend it everywhere.
Interesting, I need to learn how to fill silences, I think, because I'm just so content with silence. Silence is my default mode. I don't verbally talk to people all that often and I find it difficult to just keep talking. I prefer listening to people but will talk if asked. I know for some people talking is like breathing and they can do it without thinking. How some people can just keep talking or find new things to say in the moment is beyond me. It's like a superpower, it's incredible. Of course, it can go too far, like if it's been 5 minutes and I haven't said anything or made any indication that I'm a part of the conversation and they're still going but that's different.
Maybe they didn't ask you what you do for work because it's on the internet and they already know? Sounds silly but I forget to ask questions sometimes when I already know the answer - it's easy to forget that asking questions is a social etiquette thing not just an information gathering exercise.
I talk a ton and my best friend is more quiet and when she wants to not talk she’ll just ask for quiet time and we won’t talk for awhile, and I muchhh prefer that to her just giving me nothing. I’m comfortable with that silence. Hilariously, when I’m not talking a lot, she has no idea what to do and starts saying random things to fill the silence 😅
Just wanna say I love yall and I’m so glad ur back. No one like u guys :) ur always dealing with what I am and you seem like the perfect friends to me !
I think this is such an interesting topic for you both to cover. As an autistic young adult (that is not “obviously” autistic) I do find I have to put in a lot of effort to ask others about themselves and also not accidentally interrupt them. I have a habit of continuously talking or needing to fill silences myself but it’s something I’ve been working on in my adult life.
No Lynn, ask the questions back. And then if you can't find a leading question, have the new unrelated questions ready. I know conversations are work, but the outcomes are beautiful more often than not.
Yeah I agree with the first comment because it's really hard to gauge a conversation and to figure out if the vibes providing if the other person is not really participating in the conversation. I want to see it's one of the reasons I really can't stand being in Washington State bc ppl just suck at conversating so much and I have to do all the work. This is with friendship and dating apps, I just can't do it anymore.
Honestly Lynn, you don't have to do what the first reply said... that's just putting neurotypical norms and communication styles on neurodivergent people which is kind of ableist thinking... i know so because I've been there myself. I also get frustrated with people not asking questions in return, it makes me feel like they're not interested, so i don't talk as much or resentment builds lol. But we've all been conditioned to think this is the "correct" way to socialise and there are many ways that are all valid ❤
@@HPNEEK When you're starting a relationship, you can't expect neurotypicals to understand you. Yes, it is ableist thinking. Yes, it should not be this way. But if you need new friends, you gotta try.
im SO bad at asking questions back and i don't even know WHY😭 im always engaged and i genuinely want to learn more about the person !! but for whatever reason it slips my mind to ask BASIC questions. i'll ask them more about a niche interest they talked about but forget to ask them about their work or whatever. it makes me feel like an idiot 😭😭
I have a friend that just doesn’t really ask other people questions about their lives and it always baffled me, like you’re not curious about your friends at all??
I'm this friend. I have social anxiety and often genuinely can't think of what to ask (yes, even if someone just asked me something). And I often completely forget I'm supposed to be asking things because I'm so focused on getting through the interaction. I've been told many times I don't read as socially anxious, because I'm good at masking the overt nerves/awkwardness, so it probably just comes off as disinterested. This is why I've always struggled to make friends even as a kid.
I find it a huge effort only if I don’t really feel invested in the friendship/them. I don’t actively have anyone in my life I’m like this with, but have in the past sometimes if I’m honest.
If they don't like you, take your energy elsewhere. Love what loves you. If you get a vibe that they don't like you and they are your direct friend then try to communicate to solve whatever problem exists between you two (assuming that you value the potential for your bond to strengthen as time goes on). If you get a vibe that someone doesn't like you and you two are "step friends" (meaning that you share a mutual friend / they are a friend's friend but not necessarily your friend) then tell your friend that you are getting a vibe from their friend that they may not like you. And then literally just exist as normal to see whether the friend's friend decides to keep you in their company or not. (FYI - If the friend's friend keeps you around then you likely have done nothing wrong. If they cut you off then you may want to think about whether you have offended the step friend in any way. Then apologize [or not] and go on from there)
Some poeple stick/click for a variety of reasons. The friend chemistry definitely matters, but it's also about timing/needs/openness/comfort. People only have space for so much in their lives. I've never been the friend thats at someones house, ever. Because i dont feel comfortable taking up space in peoples lives and i dont believe that anyone would want me there. But also I've never had a friend at my house, probably for the same reason. I dont feel open to them because im too scared and caught up in my own shit. Im hoping to change this over time... Maybe in my 30s 😅
Here's a different way of looking at it: Why do you need to be liked? Maybe being liked isn't always the most optimal way of interacting with people unless your fundamental need is to be liked. And if it is, why is that? Social interaction is a technology and words aren't objective facilitators of truth, they're a tool to get people to do something. Not everyone responds to being nice and friendly and kind. Sometimes people are looking for other, more complex things you can't pick up on without putting out a certain kind of energy. Some people want a strong person to tell them what to do. Others are looking for a spectacle to entertain them, or someone weak and sad to take care of or dominate, or an asshole to fight with, a smart person to learn from, or a dumb person that makes them feel unchallenged. People are complicated. I recommend both expanding the palette of ways you can present yourself, and learning how to not give a shit just be yourself while accepting the reactions of others without expectation. Don't take other people too seriously.
When I was a teacher I faced what felt like the true test of social anxiety: a profession where being liked is part of the job. Whoever says it isn’t is probably a straight white masc-presenting man who teaches math. Everyone else has to work for it and play to the gallery to different degrees, or things can go south very quickly. All it takes is one too many students complaining about your likeability, and you’re out of a job.
Same! I teach college, and it really gets to me to not be liked by students. It was only recently when it dawned on me that the few that don’t like me, I don’t like either. You try to be fun and engaging and fair to everyone, but it’s impossible. You have to have some authority, too. You can be friendly, but students are never your friends and you always have to keep some distance. I hope you’re happy in your new profession.
@@jennavanburen9473 I used to teach high school and yeah, it made me feel weird to realize a minor didn’t like me and I didn’t like them, and yet I was expected to care whether they liked me lol. Still working on that in therapy years later, to be honest.
the question asking this Gabe mentions is 100% a pet peeve of mine. Like, when people have no curiosity about my life or me it can feel so disheartening.
Guys i cant believe you are still going on, I lost track of you guys, now I see the transation so much has changed, I disovered you in the buzzfeed days, omg time flies
Gabe's fact quiz is my nightmare. Until I get a vibe of a person, I cannot remember any fact about them. Not even their name or face (partly coz I avoid eye contact). And it takes time to get a vibe down. So I hate small talk, because every question and answer is another fact the person thinks I now know but is entirely flying over my head, so I can't ask it later when I know them but can't remember. I would fail at that quiz every first meeting.
oH same! i've genuinely had dynamics with people who have really attuned fact-recall who would find my more abstract way of remembering the vibe so hard to jell with because i simply do not think like that, my memory doesn't do what theirs does. i can't force recall! if it's not forced and just flows from me i actually have an immense amount of odd-detail recall but i can't decide what will fall under that?
@@verkanntoderverwunschen Sometimes I'll remember the earring someone wore but not their name. Or like their gait or vocal timbre. Cool to hear someone else relate.
Love this video! Just wanted to share a saying I stumbled across when I was a socially anxious teen that I still tell myself as an adult sometimes: 'You can be the juiciest, tastiest peach in the whole world, but some people just don't like peaches.' 🍑❤
I feel like what Alison was touching on in the group friend scenario was when someone genuinely really likes you, but doesn’t authentically connect with you
i feel like sometimes it's a lot like getting lost in translation! with a lack of digital response i try not to predict why or use it to fuel self-criticism because more often than not it's fully divorced from me or the message. with that it also feels like i'm trying to translate an untranslatable absence of information!
I get distracted during my response and forget that they asked me a question. And then we keep talking and suddenly like 5 minutes later I’m like “oh shit I never asked them about themselves and now I seem like an asshole”
Sometimes, it can be you, and maybe you do need to take a moment to check yourself. Sometimes, it's nothing to do with you at all, it is in fact them. Sometimes, it just happens and it's no one's fault, and there's nothing you can do about it. So you try anyway, accidentally trying too hard, making them uncomfortable and endlessly obsessing over what you did wrong because you have anxiety, only for them to realize you were genuinely trying, but they misread things because they also have anxiety, only then you don't want to try anymore because even though it's stupid, your feelings are kinda hurt and why am I walking on eggshells now? I've heard...
what percentage of people I like is highly dependent on whether or not we count customers I meet while at work as people. if we don't, I'd say I probably like roughly 70% of people I meet. if we DO count customers.... maybe 20%?
is friendly the same thing as being kind? i think in a way it can be, because when i'm out in the world i think being friendly is important and i see it as kindness. so i agree that people should be friendly more!
With people liking I feel like I'm at a good 80% like I like MOST people and I am absolutely unable to recognize an asshole in a friend until they punch me in the face So don't like most people I guess just like a good amount of people cause some of them are worth sticking around
To anyone who feels like this I would suggest reading The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. It teaches you how to not take anything personally and feel more comfortable in life.
ok for me I can speak a lot but it's cause I'll bounce questions if I see the other person maybe doesn't feel confortable telling i feel like if i tell it will give them more confidence talking feeling more welcome but must say much of the time they just end up seeming to just feel like its too much
to be honest i cant tell tboys with glasses apart. sorry thats irrelavant. sorry. but i keep thinking "bro is that me?" "my friend from texas?" "that kid from oklahoma?" "are they jewish or whindian?" which is literally what people think of me. so. theres that.
![Blox Fruits Dragon Rework Update [Full Stream]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/EqDAp8udhm0/mqdefault.jpg)
This channel has been good at teaching me how to be a good, normal human being.
gabe's reaction to people not reciprocating question-asking is so Real lmfao, i feel like neurodivergent people grow up having to learn how to behave in human interactions because it's not always intuitive to us, and sometimes it's hammered so hard into us that it feels WILD when other people just Don't Get It????? like hello? why are you not following The Rules!!!!! nobody constantly policed your behavior?!
personally, i'm great at asking reciprocal questions (like, if someone asks if i have siblings, i understand i should answer and then ask the question back), but i'm SO BAD at starting conversations or knowing what to ask if the other person doesn't get the ball rolling. OR sometimes i ask something impulsively and the question seems abrupt/invasive/weird to the other person, because my thought process is not visible to them, and i'm like I DON'T KNOW HOW TO RECOVER FROM THIS :)))
same. At first conversations, I ask unusual questions a lot of the times. When the recipients are taken aback and give terminal responses, that's the end of the conversation and then we sit in silence. It happens mostly during commute, so people can't escape me until it's time to get down. I feel like I am an inconvenience to them. Proof is that they don't sit next to me even if they are commuting alone and I have a seat available next to me. They would rather doomscroll than talk to me.
real. also on asking questions-- curiosity is so important!! if I like somebody, I am genuinely curious about them. if they're not asking me anything about myself, it's like they simply just don't care to know me, which sucks. this is a quality I'm really prioritizing now in choosing the people I share my time with. as it turns out, apparently some people only care about being heard, and don't care to listen, and they ain't worth your time (no matter how much you've already invested!!) 👍
Sometimes my anxiety is so bad that i literally forget to ask questions. I fully know how to, but in the moment it wont even cross my mind until i reflect after and feel embarrassed and rude
“When someone doesn’t laugh at my jokes” is SO REAL like i immediately assume that folks don’t like me rather that maybe they don’t have anything against me, maybe they just don’t find me so funny. It still hurts my feelings so much though!
I hear you! With me, my jokes are references to movies, shows and games no one remembers anymore. Today's audience is either younger than me, or my age...but can only remember pop culture as long as it happened 5 minutes ago. 😂 So I never take the no-selling of my humor personally. It is mine, and I chose to express it anyway.
I think it depends on the situation though like if someone doesn't laugh at your joke and they also don't say anything after and there's like a long silence then I feel like they're just over the conversation
Allison, it was honestly so healing to hear you talk about your meetings that sometimes have a weird vibe and almost never lead to work. I've never heard someone say it that matter-of-factly before! I am self-employed, and I have SO many meetings that get me nowhere financially. But I need to connect with a lot of people in order to find clients and referral sources. I've been having trouble accepting this as part of being self-employed and starting my own business, but the way you touched on it made me feel less alone in taking a lot of meetings that I do not get paid for and that do not lead to me getting paid in the future. I know this wasn't the point of the video, but I kept on rewinding and watching those, like, 30 seconds, lol. Thank you!
Oh I'm so glad was helpful!
Interesting topic, my take is to really consider anxiety. I often assume people don't like me unless they go out of their way to make plans to hang out but I think they think I don't like them but I'm just anxious around new people even if I seem fine.
I felt so insecure watching this bc I have horrible social anxiety so I typically just sit there laughing at everything and listening but not responding much bc it’s hard for me to express myself. idk how many times this has come off as rude lol
I can be a pretty hard marker of people but I TOTALLY agree that kindness is what makes the world go around. My liking someone is never a prerequisite to being kind to them - they have to earn my lack of kindness by being an asshole lmao. Everything sucks!!! But in our daily interactions we have the power to make life a little gentler on us all!!!!!
Agree a 100%. Be kind until they do something blunder.
The first part of this video was lowkey a confirmation of all my fears about how I come across lol. My social anxiety means I’m awkward and quiet, sometimes to the point of overthinking every reaction I give. And then the other person notices I’m uncomfortable and walks away and I’m like NO come back I like you I’m just awkward. Gaby and Allison would definitely not like me rip. But I should try and take the advice from the second half of the video and not let it affect me!
Kinda the same with me. I’m like “welp, probably most everyone thinks I hate them then.” I mostly can only socially function when I’m in small groups of 3-4 and where it’s pretty quiet and easy to focus, like on a walk (and not always then either.) Otherwise I’m distracted and overwhelmed, and I have some auditory processing issues so I likely can’t understand what’s being said. Unless I’m having a REALLY rough time, I’ll often still smile and nod and laugh regardless of whether I know what’s going on, but I’m not going to be able to contribute to the conversation. Generally I have a much easier time communicating through writing.
I’m thankful for the small handful of people who didn’t write me off as a potential friend when I wasn’t able to give normal social “I like you” cues in our first interactions! None of my close friends are people with whom I hit things off right away.
But also, sometimes people not lapping it up doesn't mean they don't like you. There are many people who I love being around and admire but I also have social anxiety and I'm more reserved, or sometimes I'm just having a bad day.
I was fully convinced that a coworker (I work remotely for context) had started hating me bc he was avoiding video calls and was suddenly super short over messenger. Turns out he had shingles and was just super sick. 🤦🏼♀️
THIS! THIS is how you should think! It's not you!
3:10 I've heard this called the Wimpy Kid scale (after the novels), and Greg gets embarrassed by other people less socially aware. It's definitely a shared thing!
Your audio is so good now its like JARRING. I had to turn down the volume on this one!
Okay but if I were as funny as Allison and Gabe, I wouldn’t trust anyone who didn’t laugh at my jokes
Talking about the magnetism of certain friends/friendships reminded me of the book the Rachel incident. I loved it so much I kind of want to recommend it everywhere.
Interesting, I need to learn how to fill silences, I think, because I'm just so content with silence. Silence is my default mode. I don't verbally talk to people all that often and I find it difficult to just keep talking. I prefer listening to people but will talk if asked. I know for some people talking is like breathing and they can do it without thinking. How some people can just keep talking or find new things to say in the moment is beyond me. It's like a superpower, it's incredible. Of course, it can go too far, like if it's been 5 minutes and I haven't said anything or made any indication that I'm a part of the conversation and they're still going but that's different.
Maybe they didn't ask you what you do for work because it's on the internet and they already know? Sounds silly but I forget to ask questions sometimes when I already know the answer - it's easy to forget that asking questions is a social etiquette thing not just an information gathering exercise.
that's so me. I am in need of a solution for that.
I talk a ton and my best friend is more quiet and when she wants to not talk she’ll just ask for quiet time and we won’t talk for awhile, and I muchhh prefer that to her just giving me nothing. I’m comfortable with that silence. Hilariously, when I’m not talking a lot, she has no idea what to do and starts saying random things to fill the silence 😅
Just wanna say I love yall and I’m so glad ur back. No one like u guys :) ur always dealing with what I am and you seem like the perfect friends to me !
I think this is such an interesting topic for you both to cover. As an autistic young adult (that is not “obviously” autistic) I do find I have to put in a lot of effort to ask others about themselves and also not accidentally interrupt them. I have a habit of continuously talking or needing to fill silences myself but it’s something I’ve been working on in my adult life.
I’m only 10 seconds in but I have to say - I LOVE Allison’s intros. Please keep it up.
I have social anxiety and I am guilty of being better at answering questions than asking. I assume they will tell me if they want 😮💨
No Lynn, ask the questions back. And then if you can't find a leading question, have the new unrelated questions ready. I know conversations are work, but the outcomes are beautiful more often than not.
Yeah I agree with the first comment because it's really hard to gauge a conversation and to figure out if the vibes providing if the other person is not really participating in the conversation. I want to see it's one of the reasons I really can't stand being in Washington State bc ppl just suck at conversating so much and I have to do all the work. This is with friendship and dating apps, I just can't do it anymore.
Lol im acknowledging its an issue for myself
Honestly Lynn, you don't have to do what the first reply said... that's just putting neurotypical norms and communication styles on neurodivergent people which is kind of ableist thinking... i know so because I've been there myself. I also get frustrated with people not asking questions in return, it makes me feel like they're not interested, so i don't talk as much or resentment builds lol. But we've all been conditioned to think this is the "correct" way to socialise and there are many ways that are all valid ❤
@@HPNEEK When you're starting a relationship, you can't expect neurotypicals to understand you. Yes, it is ableist thinking. Yes, it should not be this way. But if you need new friends, you gotta try.
im SO bad at asking questions back and i don't even know WHY😭 im always engaged and i genuinely want to learn more about the person !! but for whatever reason it slips my mind to ask BASIC questions. i'll ask them more about a niche interest they talked about but forget to ask them about their work or whatever. it makes me feel like an idiot 😭😭
The quiz Gabe is suggesting reminds me of the accelerated reader quizzes. I loved those so I'm all for this
I have a friend that just doesn’t really ask other people questions about their lives and it always baffled me, like you’re not curious about your friends at all??
I'm this friend. I have social anxiety and often genuinely can't think of what to ask (yes, even if someone just asked me something). And I often completely forget I'm supposed to be asking things because I'm so focused on getting through the interaction.
I've been told many times I don't read as socially anxious, because I'm good at masking the overt nerves/awkwardness, so it probably just comes off as disinterested. This is why I've always struggled to make friends even as a kid.
I find it a huge effort only if I don’t really feel invested in the friendship/them. I don’t actively have anyone in my life I’m like this with, but have in the past sometimes if I’m honest.
If they don't like you, take your energy elsewhere. Love what loves you.
If you get a vibe that they don't like you and they are your direct friend then try to communicate to solve whatever problem exists between you two (assuming that you value the potential for your bond to strengthen as time goes on).
If you get a vibe that someone doesn't like you and you two are "step friends" (meaning that you share a mutual friend / they are a friend's friend but not necessarily your friend) then tell your friend that you are getting a vibe from their friend that they may not like you. And then literally just exist as normal to see whether the friend's friend decides to keep you in their company or not.
(FYI - If the friend's friend keeps you around then you likely have done nothing wrong. If they cut you off then you may want to think about whether you have offended the step friend in any way. Then apologize [or not] and go on from there)
Some poeple stick/click for a variety of reasons. The friend chemistry definitely matters, but it's also about timing/needs/openness/comfort. People only have space for so much in their lives.
I've never been the friend thats at someones house, ever. Because i dont feel comfortable taking up space in peoples lives and i dont believe that anyone would want me there. But also I've never had a friend at my house, probably for the same reason. I dont feel open to them because im too scared and caught up in my own shit. Im hoping to change this over time... Maybe in my 30s 😅
Here's a different way of looking at it: Why do you need to be liked? Maybe being liked isn't always the most optimal way of interacting with people unless your fundamental need is to be liked. And if it is, why is that?
Social interaction is a technology and words aren't objective facilitators of truth, they're a tool to get people to do something. Not everyone responds to being nice and friendly and kind. Sometimes people are looking for other, more complex things you can't pick up on without putting out a certain kind of energy. Some people want a strong person to tell them what to do. Others are looking for a spectacle to entertain them, or someone weak and sad to take care of or dominate, or an asshole to fight with, a smart person to learn from, or a dumb person that makes them feel unchallenged. People are complicated.
I recommend both expanding the palette of ways you can present yourself, and learning how to not give a shit just be yourself while accepting the reactions of others without expectation. Don't take other people too seriously.
When I was a teacher I faced what felt like the true test of social anxiety: a profession where being liked is part of the job. Whoever says it isn’t is probably a straight white masc-presenting man who teaches math. Everyone else has to work for it and play to the gallery to different degrees, or things can go south very quickly. All it takes is one too many students complaining about your likeability, and you’re out of a job.
Same! I teach college, and it really gets to me to not be liked by students. It was only recently when it dawned on me that the few that don’t like me, I don’t like either. You try to be fun and engaging and fair to everyone, but it’s impossible.
You have to have some authority, too. You can be friendly, but students are never your friends and you always have to keep some distance.
I hope you’re happy in your new profession.
@@jennavanburen9473 I used to teach high school and yeah, it made me feel weird to realize a minor didn’t like me and I didn’t like them, and yet I was expected to care whether they liked me lol. Still working on that in therapy years later, to be honest.
Based on my experience in group settings, I find for every 10 people, I won’t vibe with 1-2 of them.
the question asking this Gabe mentions is 100% a pet peeve of mine. Like, when people have no curiosity about my life or me it can feel so disheartening.
Guys i cant believe you are still going on, I lost track of you guys, now I see the transation so much has changed, I disovered you in the buzzfeed days, omg time flies
Gabe's fact quiz is my nightmare. Until I get a vibe of a person, I cannot remember any fact about them. Not even their name or face (partly coz I avoid eye contact). And it takes time to get a vibe down. So I hate small talk, because every question and answer is another fact the person thinks I now know but is entirely flying over my head, so I can't ask it later when I know them but can't remember. I would fail at that quiz every first meeting.
oH same! i've genuinely had dynamics with people who have really attuned fact-recall who would find my more abstract way of remembering the vibe so hard to jell with because i simply do not think like that, my memory doesn't do what theirs does. i can't force recall! if it's not forced and just flows from me i actually have an immense amount of odd-detail recall but i can't decide what will fall under that?
@@verkanntoderverwunschen Sometimes I'll remember the earring someone wore but not their name. Or like their gait or vocal timbre. Cool to hear someone else relate.
Love this video! Just wanted to share a saying I stumbled across when I was a socially anxious teen that I still tell myself as an adult sometimes:
'You can be the juiciest, tastiest peach in the whole world, but some people just don't like peaches.' 🍑❤
I love when you guys discuss these vulnerable topics 🫶🫶
I feel like what Alison was touching on in the group friend scenario was when someone genuinely really likes you, but doesn’t authentically connect with you
I have been watching yalls videos for yeeeears. And i still love you both so much, and even more than when you both started.
i feel like sometimes it's a lot like getting lost in translation! with a lack of digital response i try not to predict why or use it to fuel self-criticism because more often than not it's fully divorced from me or the message. with that it also feels like i'm trying to translate an untranslatable absence of information!
Phantom is an eepy baby
I get distracted during my response and forget that they asked me a question. And then we keep talking and suddenly like 5 minutes later I’m like “oh shit I never asked them about themselves and now I seem like an asshole”
Sometimes, it can be you, and maybe you do need to take a moment to check yourself. Sometimes, it's nothing to do with you at all, it is in fact them. Sometimes, it just happens and it's no one's fault, and there's nothing you can do about it. So you try anyway, accidentally trying too hard, making them uncomfortable and endlessly obsessing over what you did wrong because you have anxiety, only for them to realize you were genuinely trying, but they misread things because they also have anxiety, only then you don't want to try anymore because even though it's stupid, your feelings are kinda hurt and why am I walking on eggshells now?
I've heard...
Sorry, I'd just the latest ep of X-Men '97 and I was feeling some things.
(but no, I am still not ok)
also someone tell me how to make friends!!
what percentage of people I like is highly dependent on whether or not we count customers I meet while at work as people. if we don't, I'd say I probably like roughly 70% of people I meet. if we DO count customers.... maybe 20%?
is friendly the same thing as being kind? i think in a way it can be, because when i'm out in the world i think being friendly is important and i see it as kindness. so i agree that people should be friendly more!
i agree! you don’t have to always go out of your way to be kind but if you have an opportunity choose the friendly route
Well that's a title I have to watch.
After all this time... I still really like you guys
With people liking I feel like I'm at a good 80% like I like MOST people and I am absolutely unable to recognize an asshole in a friend until they punch me in the face
So don't like most people I guess just like a good amount of people cause some of them are worth sticking around
To anyone who feels like this I would suggest reading The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. It teaches you how to not take anything personally and feel more comfortable in life.
I hope Gabe and Allison go back to doing podcasts twice a week now that they have a Coke sponsorship.
phantom my beloved 💖
ok for me I can speak a lot but it's cause I'll bounce questions if I see the other person maybe doesn't feel confortable telling i feel like if i tell it will give them more confidence talking feeling more welcome but must say much of the time they just end up seeming to just feel like its too much
I like 7 people, so rounding down to 5. I guess 3. 1.
I like about 15% of people, on a good day.
Another Diet Coke product placement? I hope so! Get paid!
❤
to be honest i cant tell tboys with glasses apart. sorry thats irrelavant.
sorry.
but i keep thinking "bro is that me?" "my friend from texas?" "that kid from oklahoma?" "are they jewish or whindian?"
which is literally what people think of me. so. theres that.
honestly, the worse thing for me is when people are indifferent