Story 1, Is rough. I found my boyfriend when he passed away because I couldn't get ahold of him and i had a bad feeling. As awful as that was, it would have been worse to just let it go. Thats not what you do when you love someone. OP messaged that he was worried for her safety, but instead of shooting off an 'Im okay!' message the ex set him up to come by and then treated him horribly for making sure she's alright. Even if the ex is just really truly horribly overwhelmed, you can't throw your relationship away for months at a time and expect to pick it up when convenient. Especially with zero contact or communication? Nah, that's not okay. Im glad OP moved on, but im sorry he was left hurt and confused.
@Marina-uu2sz it wasn't months, and she said like 2 wks. I don't know if you've ever seen accounting at the end of the year where tax time try to figure out everyone's billable hours😂😂😂 no one has a life, and their families know whats up. People come home to die. Sometimes, dont eat shower and sleep or sleep wake-up and shower. Total zombie mode.
@HON3YLAND1 exactly. I'm a nurse and the winter is freaking insane. Everybody is sick and the holidays can cause some emotional difficulties for people so the hospital is really busy. There are days when I come home from worth after 14 or more hours and my husband will already have my breakfast ready so I can just jump in the shower and sleep after I finish eating (I work night shift). He'll talk to me in the shower if I need to get something off my chest or if there's something we absolutely need to discuss but otherwise it's straight to bed. My sister is a probation officer and she'll go through the same thing so there are a good few weeks that we don't talk on the phone because we're both in survival mode.
S1: How come everyone that supports OP has to make up stuff and present it as facts for his side to seem like the reasonable one? People can have a bajillion reasons why they're busy for 2 weeks, especially neurodivergent people (hell, I once fell off 'the side of the earth' for a whole 7 months). The girlfriend told OP she was busy and he ignored everything she just said.
@dianaquick8883 my sister is an rn and I've watched your routine exactly take place in my home. When she gets in i ask her about her day incase she needed to vent, clean the kitchen and set aside her dinner that just ends up being tomorrow's lunch because she's too tired to eat... imagine being so tired that chewing is too much.
story one - i have a close relative who works as a tax preparer. that's basically Jan - April with no breaks, and it gets crazier the closer it gets to April. I don't expect to see them during that time. But i do send random memes and "hey there"s to let them know i'm rooting for them. Sometimes all i get is an emoji on a meme a few times per week, but at least i know they're alive. If we lived within walking distance of one another, i'd be dropping of food for them to try to take some kind of burden of their shoulders. i wouldn't expect more than a "thanks" as they head to bed. This girl though....she's just not interested. she's not communicating AT ALL.
Im part of a railroad club and the club accountant is a tax preparer with a wife and cats. He should have no time especially during the time period you mention but he does respond *day or two more than usual*. So yeah
Also this is someone OP is dating your relative makes way more of an effort to let you know they are all good then this lady does for OP good thing she showed this red flag early imagine if they got married or had kids would she just stop being a spouse or mother for a whole month?
Yeah. Tax season was my guess. This also may be an unpopular opinion, but sometimes people just don’t have the bandwidth for a needy partner like OP. All he talked about was what he wanted *from* her, not anything about giving *to* her. If he had done what you do with your relative like send some funny memes that don’t require responses, dropping off snacks, etc then this may have turned out very differently. End of the day though, I think they just aren’t very compatible.
”In one fell swoop I ended my relationship with someone I cared about deeply.” Seems to me this sentiment is not being reciprocated by her. Move on, find someone that’s willing to take the time out of their day to answer with a single message letting you know they”re alright and not ghost you for days on end.
S1: Did people forget he was literally told by his gf's best friend to check on her when he asked if anyone heard from her? Saying your unavailable means at that time maybe just for the day. Don't say you're unavailable and not explain that It'll be for a prolonged amount of time. Like yeah, I would've been hella worried too. But he asked her BEST FRIEND if he should check on her, someone who you could argue knows her better and was also concerned, meaning this isn't normal for the gf. Like yeah if someone I'm worried about is supposed to be home and they aren't answering, I'd be panicking. Especially since she COULD hear him and waited until his frantic knocking got too loud instead of just texts "hey, work call, can't answer"
That doesn't mean he had to check on her in the middle of the day when he knew she was working. He was working too, couldn't he have waited until after work? Or is he just that needy after not hearing from her for 4 days.
@@AmericaGuy25 That part of you is wrong since even the gf's friend said go check. OP checked with others and even they were going, "Yeah no somebody should check"
@@penhxd5970 Did you even read the comment? The GF's friend approved of OP checking. And the story itself explained that the GF has health problems. GF is lucky OP didn't called 911 to break down the door to make sure she wasn't passing away!
@@Icalasari She said it was OK to check. Doesn't mean rush over immediately and pound on the door. Again, he could have waited until after work. It was his insecurity and anxiety that caused the issues.
@@Icalasari did you even read? She never said immediately. She just said 4 days NC was enough space for him to check. She didn't say it was abnormal. She didn't beg him to check because she was worried, too. He just dropped everything once he "got the ok."
Dude for real! Learn to read the room through text for God's sake! It doesn't even sound like they were in a relationship. They weren't on the same level, and he didn't realize it until now.
@@InfernalPume It ain't really ghosting when you tell that person you WILL BE unavailable. Ghosting is when you don't say ANYTHING about it, no announcements, no 'hey love/man/mom Imma not be reachable for XYZ'. In this case, the girlfriend did NOT ghost by these definitions. She made it very clear very fast.
@@InfernalPumeyes, you are right. Ghosting is never okay. But when it does happen (and I'm sure it will happen to almost everyone at least once), you need to be able to see what is happening and just move on. Unfortunately. Been there, done that.
Story 2 I completely understand how the OP feels, my mother went through sexual trauma and divorce but she NEVER picked herself back up again. She wollowed in her depression my whole childhood and when i went through trauma she wasn't really there for me. Didnt encourage me to do anything or go to therapy, she would take me but if I didnt feel like it as a kid she wouldnt make me go. To this day I can't respect her and I resent that she never got any help for herself until we all grew up and moved out. She is my shining example of what not to do in life and I refuse to let me trauma effect my kids.
I mean, it is not downplaying her trauma to acknowledge and need help with your trauma. and her trauma does not excuse causing you trauma, even if it can explain it.
@thomasplummer8103 I think it might be petty if me but one thing that always pissed me off is she's always worked a low paying job but would complain about it. The 1 and only time she tried to do something about it she got her phlebotomy certificate (I spent so much time helping her study, hell I could have got the certificate too if I wasn't 14 at the time lol) but then she complained that she couldn't get a job and all of the jobs said to have experience. I told her hey you get off work at 1:30pm just go volunteer at Red Cross or something for a few more hours, I'll be ok at home for a couple of hours (knew how to take care of myself already) but nope that was too much work, she was too tired smh
Yeah she should have given her son up for adoption instead of being a selfish monster. Because she abused her own child in a different way her father abused her. She's EXACTLY like her father and her brothers.
@@WhitneyDahlinShe didnt abuse him ffs, not every parenting flaw is the same asabuse. According to OP she never treated him badly or failed to provide him with his needs, she was just more affectionate towards his sister. Thats bas but its not the same asabuse. Also, anyone suggesting he would have lived a better life in foster care might actually be a cIown
@@dulcecaramel i am absolutely NOT in defense of the mf'ing clown you replied to, but i feel its worth noting that it sounds like there was emotional neglect. OP could feel the difference between how their mom loved his sister and how she "loved" him. how it felt like she was trying to unintentionally keep his sister close but push him away. meeting his basic needs is not proof of zero abuse going on. abuse is not always intentional and malicious, but emotional neglect IS abuse. i also don't like to powerscale trauma. but it's actually insane to compare emotional neglect to being SA'd by the majority of the men in your life, and that's coming from someone who was severely emotionally neglected (among other things). whitney is on crack.
S2: well I'm glad reddit either didn't realize or collectively decided not to mention the dad after the update. based on how OP described it very likely they were a product of assault.. I really hope I'm wrong and if I'm not that poor kid or his sister never put it together....
This is a really good point that I didn't consider. The OP may even look like her assailant, which could contribute to her repulsion towards him throughout the years. What I was thinking is that it could be that mom just wasn't comfortable with the dad and unable to open up. The guy may not even realize that she was pregnant and this is why she never told the kids.
I had this thought too. I wouldn't be surprised if she figured she would be fine initially when they were first born because it was her baby. But then as he started growing and getting bigger, she started to not handle it as well. She probably might have even thought she was covering it well until he called her out, and then she had to come to terms with the fact that she couldn't just "get over it" by herself and that it was badly affecting him also. I'm glad they've been able to work through this together though.
Story 1: The fact that even her friend hasn't heard from her and it's not just OP shows me she's a very selfish person. She might have a hard job, but just dropping off the face of the earth, getting mad when loved ones check on you, then ghosting again shows me she doesn't actually care about the others in her life. It doesn't take long to send a quick text if you're in the bathroom, but apparently even that's too difficult for her. OP is much better off without her.
Even the update didn't put her in good light. Like women, what happen to a simple text saying *can't chat now but I will text you when its all done and it will be a while ok*
@@wildfyah she was for 3 weeks. Then 3 days after that he freaks and goes pounding on her door in the middle of the day on day 4 when she doesn't reply back. She was communicating at least once a week.
If she has so little time for OP then she has no extra capacity for a relationship at all. She shouldn't be dating anyone. Why does she have a BF at all if she's going to put zero effort? OP, stop apologizing and dump her.
@@jaymel4691 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ Her being busy during a specific time period doesn’t mean she can’t be in a relationship, it was for a few weeks to a month out of the year. He’s a mess and needs to work on himself.
I am one of 5 kids for my mother, and was the product of SA. I never knew that until I was 22. There was a clear difference in the way my siblings were treated compared to me. She was hyper critical of me, harsher punishments, less attention, overall negligence towards me. While i understand the trauma reasoning for this, especially as a multi-time SA victim myself, it doesn't excuse the behavior or make it alright.
Thank you!! The mom in this story at the very least knew she had issues with men, and yet she put off getting help until her son was almost leaving for college, meaning his entire childhood is shot. This is not a cute story.
@loiracitr that's hard to say. My mom and I have a good relationship now, but there's been a lot of traumas I've dealt with in my childhood. If you asked me when I was younger, I probably would've preferred being put up for adoption.
@beneisenman1183 I understand. I wish you the best for your future! You sound like someone who has done a lot of self reflection, and I believe that it always pays! ♥️
I do agree! While I absolutely and fully am on the girlfriend's side by the way that OP himself is explaining the situation, I would say an initial message detailing the expectations and THEN cutting off all contact would have been the better action.
@@penhxd5970 The story points out she has health problems, and even the gf's friend approved of OP checking. If you have health problems like that, send an emoji to a liaison once every day or two so people know you don't need medical help. Even without health problems, an emoji once or twice a week so people know you are still alive One emoji to one person who has the job of making sure people know you're alive. That takes less than ten seconds
Can’t wait for the update when the girlfriend becomes available again and is shocked to see OP with a new girlfriend and is informed that OP dumped her months ago Edit: some of you in the comments need to chill 😂
the ex gf could be dead or kiddnape for all we know and we call her a ghost when she finaly get out of hell work month and be surprise she can't keep a bf or a pet around her
@@WitchDoctorMegra I am guessing she will be perfectly happy with the result as long as he leaves her alone. No one is really mad earn their stalker finds another target.
@@yohishi1221 I don't even beleve she was "working, who the Hell has 14+ hour work days and lives minuites away but won't find five minuites to text, call or come over, that makes no sense, I think she was working on something else, large and eggplant shapped!😒
1. I feel sorry for all the partners of those whom says OP is in the wrong for being concerned, they are in a one sided relationship of someone who doesn't care about them. There is nothing normal to ghost people for weeks including while having a agreed time plus a friend who would be concerned after only 4 days. But then again those people didn't listen or cared 30 seconds into the story, just like they don't care about anyone but themselves. Hope OP finds a better partner, because she is not worth it.
Story 2 is a great example of how trauma lingers forever. OP and his mom should watch Encanto together to understand how generational trauma can affect a family across generations. Hope the mom can continue to heal. The experiences she had were horrific and can break minds.
There should not be a statuate of limitations on child SA😢!!! Children need to grow to learn how to stand up for themselves. They aren't born with that knowledge! I wonder if her brothers have kids who are going through the same thing😢?!!! I also wonder if her brothers were going through the same abuse and were taking it out on her? I think that it might be helpful if she wrote the father and brothers letters to get everything out of her, all of the hurt, anger, and screaming it out on paper! Whether she delivers it or not, I think that it would help lighten her load❤!!!
Not the same but yeah generational trauma is real. I am not a big fan of easter as my maternal granfather commited suicide second day after easter when my mother was 16. And I remeber her crying pretty much every easter growing up.
Story 1: As someone who had a very busy life when I first met my husband 21 years ago; if you care about someone, you make the time to at least touch base with them. My husband was active duty Navy as well, so, there would be periods of time he'd be doing training or have long shifts. Still, you make the effort. This woman didn't want to make the effort. No job is so busy that you can't at least touch base with a text or let the person know that for a couple of days (in the case of my husband) that you'd be unreachable, but would contact them when you were able to. Hell, I've worked 18 hour days, yet still contacted people when I had a break.
Yea, while reading your comment, I thought why can’t she shoot a text during her lunch break? Nobody works that long without some kind of break. Oh I can hear it now…I eat while I’m working, so I still don’t have time. Unless she’s running her own business and can dictate no breaks, companies can actually get in trouble if employees aren’t taking lunch/breaks.
@@RuminatingRaptor Stop the Cap, because ALL nurses get their breaks, maybe not their "scheduled" breaks but they DO get BREAKS. She doesn't work 24/7 and she had time to write a 2 page Angry hate text, but couldn't respond to any of his earlier texts? NTA Use common sense and Stop infantilizing females bad behavior, she INVITED Op over and ghosted him, all that psycho is doing, is trying to make herself a "Victim" and using Op as a Villain/Stalker/Harasser. Grow up because if anyone treated you like this you wouldn't like it. NTA
@@RuminatingRaptor Well, excuse me for hurting your little feelings! Considering the story revolves around a person working from home, nurses didn't come to mind when I was talking about breaks. If breaks are important to someone wanting to become a nurse, maybe they should reconsider the profession.
@@RuminatingRaptor oh screw off dude. I'm a nurse tech and do more shit than a nurse. I see nurses on their phones ALL the time. I have 12-18 paitents at a time and nurses have 4. The only nurses like what you are saying are ER nurses. Floor nurses take lunches, smoke breaks, watch movies at their desks, ect. If they don't take a lunch, thats on them. I never get a lunch cause I'm running around EVERYWHERE. Guess what, still take a minute to send my bf a message when I'm using the bathroom at work.
S2: It’s not that good parents never mess up, but that bad parents never ADMIT they mess up, or do what they need to do to make things right. OP’s mom is a good parent. He should feel proud for speaking up, and of the progress they’ve made as a family; they will be closer for their struggles, in the end.
Exactly this. People who are expecting perfection out of everyone is ridiculous. But being able to admit you messed up and then (in this case) actually taking steps to fix it is literally the definition of excellent parenting. I’m actually going to have a similar conversation with my parents soon…although I’m not as hopeful for a good outcome.
She probably didn't notice the differences😢! She gave them equally except for her feelings. So she probably thought that she was hiding it well❤ right up to his mentioning the disparity😮! Then she didn't try to deny it or make it look like he was at fault. She made attempts to remedy her fault😊! I wonder if any nieces or nephews she might have are going through the same thing😢! I think that it would be good to write dad and the brothers letters to really let them have it, whether she delivers them or not, it might feel good to purge the hate and pain😮! Perhaps the same thing was happening to her brothers, and they, in turn, were taking it out on her😢? It's too bad that there is a statuette of limitations on the amount of time to report😢!!!
@@shadamyandsonamylover I had a talk like this with my parents when I became an adult. Mind you, my parents were amazing parents, but me and my family went through *a lot* of tragedy in my youth. I had a lot of questions I needed answers to, if that makes sense. I needed to know why they did this or why I was never allowed to do that. They were both so horrified at even the possibility that they had hurt me. Hearing them apologize for just not knowing what they couldn’t possibly have known was all I needed. It showed me that they always tried their best, and that sometimes life simply falls short. It was a huge part of becoming an adult; understanding that no one has it completely figured out. Plus, it’s not like they were writing books back then on how to deal with the stuff I was going through (I was a sick, bed bound kid, for context). Now that I’m approaching 40, I understand exactly how much they did for me, and frankly…. I have no idea how they coped so well with so little.
I disagree. As a survivor of DV and SA/CSA myself, trauma may explain behavior, but it doesn't excuse it. She had many, many, MANY years to get therapy, and even if she wasn't aware that she was treating her son badly, she was fully aware of her issues with men. Her son is not the only male she would need to interact with. She chose to have children, knowing full well that a son was a 50/50 shot, and she chose to put off therapy for literally decades. I'm absolutely horrified by the comments praising her for not freaking out when her *OWN SON* snuggled with her, like, come the eff on!! That's not a "mistake", making your own child think that it's a good thing that you trust them not to r@pe their own mother!!! This isn't a mistake. OP's childhood is literally over. This is literally too little too late. The generational trauma has already been kicked down the road.
Story 1: as someone who had extreme burnout from caregiver fatigue, work fatigue, grief, PTSD/cPTSD, and dissociative depression, I did lose all capacity to reply and send follow-up messages to the man I loved and who had been so loving and understanding of my situation. Eventually we mutually and lovingly agreed to end things indefinitely because he deserved so much more and I cared about him too much to keep doing this to him. It was really painful. This story kind of reminds me of that but having over shared all of this, I feel like even if she's unable to give enough into a relationship, she could at least take the time to communicate the ending, seeing how badly her behavior was impacting OP. Instead she doubled down and had zero empathy for the very valid concerns and reactions that OP had.
If somebody shows up at your door and is pounding on it and is constantly reaching out to you even though you said you weren't available, it's just f****** boundary stomping and you're not going to be compassionate or considerate. It's a violation and it should be treated as such
@ineedhoez if you want someone to disappear, you don't want a relationship with them. Pretending you are with someone, but keeping a "boundary" of them to stay away isn't fair. If she was honest with him he wouldn't have kept trying. Once she broke up he left her alone, which is what she obviously wanted.
@@ineedhoezI’m inclined to agree! It really came off weird to me that he was watching her house, then incessantly visiting her house. She maybe wasn’t particularly tactful, and maybe she didn’t deserve the relationship, but she was clear that she was unavailable and didn’t have the capacity even for courtesy texts. Rude and unacceptable as that may be, she was up front. I’d be curious to know what job she has, and what job op has. I’ve had busy periods in my working life where I’ve worked all day and then continued to work after hours off the clock until 3-4am. I had zero ability to socialise or even really check in. It’s not pleasant but it happens. And if I had a someone buzzing around after I told them to leave me alone I’d probably ghost them too.
@@oceana3070 You DO realize that he lived in the same building? E.g. I would notice if my neighbours car hadn't moved for weeks, not because I watch him but because it is parked next to mine while there are multiple parking spots ..after a few days I WOULD notice ... She ghosted him for months ...normal for you ..not normal for most ppl
As a person who has gone dark during busy work seasons, I would simply tell my family and SO that I'm working 6/10's, I have 1 day off to live my life and catch up on everything, so please don't call (text me instead), I'll get back to you in a few days and my calendar is blacked out for these days and I will not be attending any events. I worked an overnight shift and obviously my schedule was the opposite of most which made it difficult from the start but easier because they were unsure when a good time to call was anyway. I explained what unavailable means. I just finished with one of those seasons on the 24th. Everyone understands. I'm not the first person in my family that had a graveyard/overnight shift. I think it all comes down to communication and understanding. I did respond to texts in 1-3 days or on my 1 day off
Most people commenting on story 2 are annoying and out of touch. This is the only correct opinion about that story: 1. Obviously OP has nothing to apologize for, we all agree on that 2. His mom is not a bad mom at all if anything she is a wonderful mom and better than the majority of parents in the world. Most people cant manage to be halfway decent parents even though they dont have trauma or extreme external hardships. Based on OP's own account, his mom didnt mistreat him or fail to provide for him any of his needs, she was just more warm and loving to his sister than she was to him. Most parents show favoritism in a far harsher way AND its unconnected to any trauma they had. OP's mom literally had nobody to help her. No support system at all, according to OP. As far as parental flaws go, hers is mminor and thats without even considering the fact that she went through one of the worst things any human being could go through in their lives and she went through it MULTIPLE times. She is a fantastic mom and an extremely admirable and strong person, who clearly cares for both her kids I know some commenters will spout nonsense like: "wHy DiDnT sHe FiX tHe PrObLeM eArLiEr?" Obviously because her son didnt communicate to her that there was a problem until now. She isnt a mind reader, she is a single mom who is struggling with worse trauma than most people could even comprehend with zero support at all from others. No one can seriously blame her for not noticing the problem before it was brought to her attention. as for the commenters that said she should have given him up for adoption if she didnt think she could raise a boy... words fail me. He has lived a far better life with her than he ever could have lived in foster care, which is a nightmare. Also she obviously DID think she could take care of him, which is why she didnt notice that she was offloading her trauma onto him until he brought it up
oh and one more thing, people in these comments are obviously extremely young because they think things like therapy were easily accessible and socially accepted 10+ years ago like they are now... Nope! There were no apps, no online therapy, no hundreds of websites to guide someone through how to go about getting an affordable therapist that fits their specific needs, and it was VERY socially taboo. The mom genuinely did the best any normal person could do in her circumstance
2. OP's mum emotionally neglected him. She is a very hurt person and she should be commended for surviving so far, but no. She was not an amazing mother. It's not her fault, but she was not. OP will have to go a long way to recover from the damages of his childhood... sure, his childhood was a dream compared to what his mum had to endure, but let's be honest, it's not OP's fault
@@priam2882 Ikr? Whatever her issues, a simple text could've cleared things up. I was expecting a schedule like a medical internship or something, but she worked at home. Mystery does tend to stick your attention. Even her BFF hadn't heard from her, so at least it wasn't just OP. I'd just chalk it up to her being a weirdo.
He waited for 2 weeks plus 4 days then contacted her best friend. He went over days after the 4 week expressed limit. Ya he should have known he was being dumped. This rings more unexperienced more than anything else. Imho
First story: I have huge anxiety issues around loved ones. One of the ways I knew early on that my husband is my person is that he went out of his way from the beginning to check-in at times when I would tend to worry. Even if he’s busy, even if we’re fighting and he doesn’t want to talk to me, if I’m panicking (I.e. multiple calls in a row) he’ll check-in. It’s easier now that we’re married and I know I’ll see him when I get home, but I still have rough days when he doesn’t answer a text cuz he’s distracted and the evil anxiety imps inside my head whisper “what if he’s dead tho” and I spiral during my drive home from work and need to just cling to him for a few minutes after getting there. But overall, it’s such a blessing to have one person in my life that I can totally unmask with and don’t have to temper my worry-moments and can just fully say “I love you and I don’t want you to ever be not here and my brain is mean sometimes”. It actually makes my other anxieties easier to handle - if I’m worrying about a family member not responding or something I’ll usually check with him and ask “I’m being ridiculous here, right?” And having that outside reinforcement that everyone and everything is okay really helps. He made it a rule very early on that if I’m panicking or sad or anything like that, I am REQUIRED to call him no matter what time of day or night. Not in a controlling way but in a “don’t you dare talk yourself out of it because you don’t want to be a bother” way. God I love that man and I hope OP finds themself someone who can be that for them.
Story 2- I’ve got…conflicting feelings on cus it hits a bit close to home. My mom has similar trauma but when she went to therapy, she got an awful therapist so therapy is now mostly off the table. And her not finding good coping mechanisms for her trauma…did impact us kids and we have our own trauma from it. Trauma explains one’s actions but it doesn’t excuse them. The mother still made OP feel like the lesser, unloved child all of their life. It might be healing now but that scar is always going to remain.
It’s not as an excuse for how she treated him and while I’m sorry for his and your mom, having gone through similar situations I don’t treat people like crap and if this is a bias she knew she had she said so herself then she should have worked on that.
S1: Nope. If I told someone I was worried about them and they didn't tell me they were alive, just because they were busy, we'd be done. It takes two seconds to send an emoji. Girl is going to pop back up when her busy season is done and still expect to have a bf. Miss me with that. I had a friend like this. Super busy trying to get their career launched. I realized I was doing all the work, and gently reminded them to make time for their friends, because they might look up from their work and wonder where all their friends had gone. Their response? "Oh, I don't worry about that with you, we can go three years and pick up like we never left off." (Yeah...because I tested it for three years to see if they'd even notice, or reach out. They never did.) So, I stopped reaching out again. It's going on six years and I haven't heard from them. If this friendship isn't worth putting in some effort for you, why am I fighting so hard for it? Edit: Since either YT is eating my replies or they're getting reported, in response to Shadowkissed saying "Dropping friends and loved ones because they didn't contact you for a week and a half says more about you than you think." If you bothered to read my comment, I didn't drop someone after a week and a half, I gave them three *years* to reach out. (I actually probably waited too long, because they were one of my longest friendships.) Not taking all of two seconds to respond to someone you are in a relationship with, who has expressed concern for your wellbeing, letting them know you are OK/miss them/good morning, says a lot more about *you* than you think. I prefer my way, thanks. There is a difference between "unavailable" and "straight-up ghosting," she did the latter. I also think, my personal opinion, that if you ghost someone for weeks at a time, you deserve to lose the relationship. S2: Honey, you didn't mess up. Your mom has trauma, yes, but she needed therapy to not take that trauma out on you (which she did). SHE messed up, not you, but it's good she realizes it and is going to make an effort to fix it.
Except his worry was nonsense. She specifically told him she would be unavailable and only had energy to work and sleep during that time. He was using his anxiety as an excuse to bother her when she told him not to. This relationship wasn't even 3 months old for Christ's sake. THREE MONTHS. OP is a boundary stomping creep.
@@Mewse1203 Lol, no. TWO SECONDS to send a text. That's all it takes. My husband had to work out of state for 6 months at a time for a few years. He worked 16-hour days, managed a team, and still found the time to text me an "I love you," "I miss you," and "Good morning/night." Relationships don't stop when you're busy. We have three autistic kids, we are the definition of always busy/having our hands full, and we still make time for each other, because that relationship is important to us.
If you were constantly bombarding them and banging on their door after they told you they were not going to be available I can see why they wouldn't tell you they are ok.
Story 1: with my SO there are times when I 'unplug' from the internet/phone. When I do, I let him know a couple weeks in advance that I'll be doing it. He then has the choice to join me (and unplug himself) or decide he doesn't wanna do it. OPs ex is an AH. She ghosted him (and others) plain and simple. No need to be around someone like that. ((EDIT: Please be civil in my comments below. Stop with the name-calling or jabs towards people's intelligence or reading/listening comprehension. Thank you))
@@sidepai If you were the best friend, would you have let this stranger you've never met take care of your best friend? Wouldn't you come see about her at least once? Doesn't that tell you something that only OP knocked on her door, called her, and claims the BEST FRIEND told him to take care of everything? Think about it.
@@ladylilylady you are acting really crazy. Are you by chance the ex from the story? I don’t know how old you are, but proper communication goes a long way. And there was a lack of communication here no matter how you slice it.
@shadamyandsonamylover I think we can see their point without insults. They are saying that OP literally was concerned for her wellbeing and the friend wasn't. They just disappeared after OP knocked, which is curious if OP was texting her on what to do or the fact she seemed limited in her concern.
Not everybody has the same abilities. I used to work 12 hour days for 8 days straight. People barely heard from me. I worked, ate, slept. I have chronic illnesses that meant I had nothing else to give. But my friends and family knew this. I ended up quiting the job because I could not maintain it, my personal life, and what little health I have left.
@@OtisFlintShe met OP outside every now sn then and it was two weeks in when her responses stopped. Probably when she started becoming really drained.
S2: I feel like the mom got off WAY too easy, here. OP is right to be angry. If she wasn't capable or comfortable being around him as a male child then she should have given him to his father's family or given him up for adoption. I know that there are some people out there who say that OP's father may actually be one of his mother's past assailants. And that's true..he very well may be. But it could _also_ just as possibly be a man TOTALLY unrelated to her past trauma, as we see that (based on OP's upbringing) his mom is not above ignoring him and pushing him aside due to being a male... _despite_ him not having actually done anything to her. I also question why the sister never said or noticed anything. So was she just sitting back and enjoying all the excess love and attention coming her way while her brother got nothing?? I think that OP is very considerate not to hold any of this against his mother and sister, but frankly they BOTH (mom and sis) seem like horrible people. The sister was selfish and greedy (there is _no way_ she didn't notice the discrepancy in treatment) and mom noticed as well...she just didn't expect her son to notice or to call her out on it. I am not simply speaking out of ignorance. I am a victim of generational trauma. My parents were each abused and mistreated as children. My mother's mother was abused and mistreated. My mother would tell me horror stories about her youth (and i'd overhear my dad telling _her_ stories about _his_ youth), but instead of them each being better to myself and my little brother, they instead turned around, rubbed their hands together, and gleefully went, _"My turn!"_ Each of them excited to have their turn at the whip. As adults, it is OUR responsibility to deal with our individual trauma so as NOT to pass that abuse and trauma onto our children. As an adult you are _still_ a victim, true; but this DOESN'T give _you_ or _ANYONE ELSE_ the right to then turn around and victimize INNOCENT CHILDREN! Because at that point, _YOU_ become the aggressor and it is NOT ACCEPTABLE to try to excuse your behavior as _"but, it was done to me too!!"_ 🙄
So, I’ve been this girl. the mental capacity thing is sooooo real. I know what it’s like to have anxiety build every time you pick up the phone to text someone because you literally do not have the emotional or mental bandwidth to talk to them. It’s why I am SINGLE, actually. I think she needed to be clear that they were going on a break or that she couldn’t maintain contact keeping him on the hook without talking to him and blowing him off and letting him be scared for your health is messed up. If she couldn’t keep up with the relationship, she should have ended it.
I'm sorry but I've been in that position too and believe it or not it DOESN'T take that much to say "hey still alive talk later" and get back to it. Don't make excuses for her because it is in fact inexcusable leaving people to worry about you whether you're alive or not.
@@impishrebel5969 Precisely. Even for a neighbor or shirttail cousin, let alone a SO, just a text "Still alive, no need for the cops to do a welfare check lol" every few days is a super easy ask. A buddy of mine was working a temporary assignment in another city. Nobody heard from him for days. His wife finally called his landlord to check on him. He had died of a heart attack.
@@impishrebel5969they weren’t making excuses for her. They were saying that they understand why the girl was (potentially) not texting back - but that it was shitty of her to not explain that in any way. You people need to stop thinking that just because someone brings in a perspective that it means they are saying it’s totally fine.
This, the comments are full of people like her, the issue is not is she has the ability or not to be in a relationship, but to decide to be in one when she knows she shouldn't.
@@shadamyandsonamylover sounds like they were to me. maybe they should chose their words more carefully like proper adults or take accountability for speaking incorrectly
If a person is, it's worth re-evaluating priorities and making a healthy change. 24/7 work without at least a sprinkling of non-work activities (sleeping doesn't count) is the fastest way to burnout, loneliness, and an early grave.
@@sienkiewiczmonika1161 but You know her, You've known her for decades, OP didn't know well her girlfriend as they are still in the dating phase, is not the same.
S2 that really hit home with me. I also struggle with my relationship with my mother. While my mom has never been sexually abused (and believe me, she would have told me) she was mentally and physically abused her whole life. Ive gotten the stories from her over the years, and as I got older I slowly began to process/understand how it all made the woman my mother is today. She is trying her best to improve, and thats is why I am still around. Shes putting the I in Tried, and in her own ways she is trying to make up for the past. The road of our lives is never smooth, there will always be potholes and bumps, but we always make it to our destination.
Story 2: Thank you, @MarkNarrations, so much for finding this uplifting story of hope for today's video. The day after Christmas can be tough - oh, let's get real - the entire holiday season can be tough, so it was great to listen to this story of all the ups and downs of a family healing *together*. Again, thank you!
Story 1: TBH I'm like that girlfriend in the story. I have a hard time keeping up with communications with people, but fully realize that's a me problem and would never complain or get angry if someone wanted to check on me to make sure my cat wasn't eating my face.
I'm sorry for what the mom went through when she was younger but the simple fact that she did not get help when she knew she needed it and ended up taking it out on her CHILD for more than a decade makes her a failure as a mother even if she is getting help now it didn't help all those years she treated him like shit.
She was raped her entire childhood. I really don’t think y’all, are understanding what the reality of that is. A small child being raped by adult men over and over and over. I’m not sure that even therapy would’ve made a huge difference in her with that level of trauma.
@nightstarstar1 then if she knew she had that trauma she should have put her son up for adoption or something like that because she literally created generational trauma because of her trauma.
@@GreenKnight1982 right and then he would’ve come looking for her wondering why she got rid of him and not his sister and been mad about that. No matter what moms can’t win. It’s almost like women should just opt out of motherhood altogether because perfection can never be achieved.
I have never in my life dated a woman who would put up with not hearing from me for an entire day and I'd have never put up with not hearing from her. And I'm old enough where that sometimes implied landlines and ling distance calls. Now with texts and cell phones? It's ridiculous to claim you can't even text a "hello" or a "good morning" or a "how are you?" as you are getting food or taking a break to shower. I feel for the OP because he clearly has some real self esteem issues. I'd have been out by day 3.
Story-1 : Yes most of the time being off grid is a red flag like this. But if you’re in the military, sometimes you get deployed where you CANNOT communicate other than letters. And even then you might not be able to depending on where you are. I’ve been deployed a few times where I could not communicate with people and it made me very depressed. Not internet, not phone service. Not allowed off base, no mail box/PO Box. It sucks. But in this story she’s obvious work at home..:. Which makes no fucking sense. Good on OP for moving on
I myself am an end of generational trauma, I refused to have kids. And at 35 struggle much the same as my mother did, but i at least cant pass that along. I could never be angry at her for some of the things she did because of that, but I also never trusted nor wanted to be close, it was impossible after her first attempt to end her life. She just passed, the hole in my chest is odd, first caused by that attempt and repeatedly torn open from so many episodes from her, but this time she cant reopen it anymore and I feel hollow, even more as its nearly been a year since my father passed. 2024 was not too kind for me, only the boon of getting a much needed surgery and the start of changing my name.
@@misslauren6798 She does not "owe" him anything. They are not married and it is doubtful they are actually dating. Why is everyone taking this guys statements as fact. He would accept "I am unavailable" what makes you think he would accept "we are not dating".
@@fcold9402 Sure, people who see each other every day in a romantic setting might not label themselves as a couple, but it's still a romantic situationship regardless. Therefore, basic respect and decency is indeed owed with open communication, which means she should have explained her definition of "not available for a month despite living floor above". What, next thing you will say that in super market you don't own people anything and will just waltz out with gloceries without paying? Same principle.
OP in first story is the last person to realize she just isn't into him. If girl really likes you she will find time no matter how busy they are. I wouldn't be surprised if she was cheating on him too.
My first thought was that her real boyfriend was back in town/home for a conjugal visit/ ship was back in port, and then when he left she’s free to have him take her to dinner or movies etc.
I'm actually a bit conflicted about Story 1. If I'm honest, I think the only thing the girlfriend truly did wrong is not apologize for blowing up. Not everyone is a texter; I think this is a misalignment of expectations. I hate texting, but was when in the honeymoon phase of the relationship, suddenly I was texting all the time. If I got busy at work, I'd revert right back to hating my phone. The GF told him well in advance that she was gonna be terribly busy for a month. January is a bad overtime month at my work and I pretty much do the same thing she's doing. I can understand why she snapped when she did, as wrong as that was of her to do (I'd be cranky if I was running on fumes and someone was whacking on my door as I'm in a client meeting I cannot just get up from). She definitely should have given a heartfelt apology afterward she cooled off since OP had understandable and good intentions with the visit. I'm in a similar situation with a parent I haven't lived with for years assuming the worst if I don't respond to things often enough. It's exhausting and stress-inducing - I'm effectively responsible for their anxiety, and that's not fair to me. Sure, it only takes a minute to send a text, which is why I do text them most days. But if I explicitly tell someone they won't hear from me for X amount of time, and they refused to respect that (see: my parent after day 2), I'd lose respect for that person. I know OP has nothing but the best intentions, but his story stressed ME out on the girlfriend's behalf. Since the story is about a partnership, I think they'd simply be incompatible if this was an indefinite thing, but GF laid out the timeline and it's only for a month. If they wanted to continue this relationship, I think it's more of a meet-in-the-middle situation: wait till this busy month is over, then have a talk setting clear boundaries from both sides for next Nov-Dec to determine if their expectations can be aligned or if they're simply incompatible (Note: the middle of this timeframe when she's hyperstressed is NOT the time to be trying to discuss these boundaries, as much as that sucks for OP. It would've been preferable for them to have had this discussion prior to this year's busy month, ofc, but they didn't realize their expectations were so unaligned until they were in the thick of it, which isn't really either of their fault.)
I too understand the GF here. I have some seasons where I have to basically wake up, work, eat and sleep. She told him in advance. I don't get how is she in the wrong. They are just not a good match.
@@a_noelles So when my fiance or I do similar things when our work gets busy, we're leaving our relationship without telling the other? The OP and GF simply have different needs.
OP is better than me. A person that struggles with depression going missing for 5 days? I’d have called the cops and informed them of a possible attempt
I said it on another channel’s coverage of this vid and I’ll say it again here: the gf totally sounds like she’s neurodivergent and in a terrible burnout. I’m not saying she treated him well, but it sounds to me like she tried to set a boundary and limit the things she had to process because she was overwhelmed, and that didn’t sit right with his anxious attachment style. They’re just def not compatible, because they have different needs.
Honestly it’s a little sad to me to see how many people are tearing into her. Yes she was an inconsiderate partner, but it sounds like she was kinda put in a survival mode where all she could focus on was getting through the day. I’ve had a lot of neurodivergent friends who become unreachable during stressful, busy periods (like finals/midterms), and it’s never been a reflection on how much they care for me. It’s just a matter of bandwidth, and how being completely overwhelmed sends them into shutdown.
I'm glad OP accepts his mom's explanation, but his mom is an AH. You can be a victim and an AH. She had nearly 20 years to get her 💩 together. I like that update. OP deserves to be angry. Take her to task. There was a 50/50 chance of a male child. And again she had nearly twenty years to get it together. I wish everyone healing. Don't sleep on community college. Like that commenter said, if I could go back I would absolutely have gone that route
@GiordanDiodato or the fact the trauma has literally stunted her brain so bad that even the littlest things are an effort. If she could have done it on her own, she wouldn't have needed a therapist. But it's good OP called her out on what she isn't aware of, because trauma can really mess up your perception.
I imagine being a single parent of twins, there isn't even a small amount of time for self care😢! Without a partner to say to you that you need to see what is happening, it would be so easy to pretend that it's just not a problem! "He has everything he needs, and I don't abuse him. What more can I do for him?" I think that she just didn't notice the difference in her emotions was apparent. She probably thought that she was hiding it well. I was surprised that she didn't jump out of the bed when he came to offer comfort only! I imagine that OP feels bad about it, but sometimes our heart or brain kinda wants a little bit of payback, even though we know the wrong wasn't done on purpose. So OP is mean to get the tiny bit of payback then apologizes😢!
If she's bringing up twins with no help what time and money do you think she would have had to do this? Therapy takes both. I couldn't go to therapy for 3 years because I had a child and a job. Just one child and her dad is in the picture, still can't do everything. Now I can as she goes to school and also we can afford it now that wasn't always the case
This is something i found out in my mid 20s while dating. If they like you they will make the time to talk to you, to see you, to do the bare minimum. She didn’t do that. She didn’t like you as much as you liked her. It’s sucks and i know what it’s like to worry. I’m in a long distance relationship and my gf is very forgetful. So she will do the “ text you when i get home” and then not do that. It can be nerve racking but someone who cares about you will get back to you when they can.
I'm sorry but there's just available and unavailable. Unavailable means that she won't have contact, and she warned you. May not be good but is like people don't get what some words mean.
Hey Mark! I heard the small shudder you made as you were wrapping up narration for S2's final update. I need to thank you for it, for leaving those human moments in the audio instead of editing them out. Those moments are why I (and I'm sure other followers) tune into video after video. In this age of AI voiceover narration it is *beautiful* to know that a living, breathing human being is on the other side of these stories; one who is defiantly compassionate, and wholly unafraid to show it. I applaud you and thank you. Happy holidays Mark! Hope you're having a wonderful time wherever you are.
Story 1: I felt the same way about communicating in any situation or high-pressure job until I was in one. No one could have prepared me for just how little capacity I had for anything. It was 3 months of pure hell, and I had to send a similar message to friends and family. 14-hour days every day, yes, every day with constant emails even after the sign off from managers and team members that gave zero F's about my failing physical and mental health. I barely had energy to take care of myself, much less anyone else. I shudder to think how my furbabies would have suffered had I not had an involved partner. Just a bit of perspective as we tend to give allowance for those who have known problems that could impact them such as anxiety or severe postpartum, Depression, etc. so it can be difficult to give empathy and understanding for those who are in a situation we can see into especially when we aren't getting what we want/need despite what they may be going through. Be well everyone!
1) I can imagine this is an unpopular opinion, but I think he needed to look up the word "unavailable". It seems to me she was clear when she explained that she was incredibly busy and all she "had the capacity for" was work, sleep and to occasionally eat. For him to ignore that and keep pushing I find incredibly rude and obnoxious. If he did not like being in a relationship with someone who would be absent from his life from mid November to December 15th then he should have realize they are not compatible, she is not the woman for him, and to end the relationship, but to persist in intruding during that one month's time was very disrespectful and annoying. She realized they were incompatible and he should not feel sad it's over. After update: I'm glad OP realized it was not a good relationship for him and he needs to move on and do better for himself. 2) It is sad this is the situation and the demons OP's mom is dealing with and it's too bad that, as a single mother she did not have time or money for much needed therapy, but she is now going for it. It's good OP revealed their feelings and mom opened up about it and they have better understanding now. After update: It's nice mom is getting therapy with OP going along, that sis now knows too, and this is helping to heal the family. After next update: I think OP is resentful and lacking understanding of how hard it was for his mother to raise twins on her own, especially with having a son and having the trauma she did. It's good his mother validated his natural feelings of anger and resentment. After final update: I'm glad to learn everyone has been helped by therapy and they are doing better and are closer now.
I thought that when OP knocked on the door it was going to open with the GF’s husband or live-in boyfriend and OP would find out that he’s the side piece.
"I was abusive and neglectful of you because you happen to be the same gender as people that were abusive to me." Oh, well, all's forgiven..... I hate the OP of the second story more than I hate the woman that abused him for suddenly thinking that what was done to her absolved her of what she did to him.
1: I think the ex needs professional help. She didn't just ghost OP. She's ghosting everyone. If work is so draining that she can't maintain basic communication, she needs to find a new job.
@iljuro she's in the process of destroying all her relationships. Friendships and relationships are give and take. If everything is 100% your way, without returning anything the other person needs, all your relationships are going to fail. Reasonable people would expect at least an emoji response occasionally when they say they're going to be swamped with work and unavailable. You can't totally ghost people for weeks on end and expect people to simp for you and stick around till you decide to grace them with your attention. That's relationship 101.
@@iljuroHaving a system does not mean it is a good system or that said system works. To be blunt: when people are starting to worry if you're even alive, you need to rework your system if only so you don't start wasting police/government time.
@@cyndib511that’s a lie adult friendships are like that where you go weeks without talking because of life ! Me and my best friends just met up in November. Last time we met up was in July. Yeah we like each other’s post and say what’s up once in a while.
Dated a nursing student once. I respected her schedule. When she knew that she didnt have time for a relationship, she did break up with me. That hurt, but it was better than what happened in story 1. I've got anxiety, too, and work long days. Not getting any comminucation at all would play hell on me. I feel for both of them. Just... the whole situation isn't great, and neither of them handled it the best
S2: She's a bad mother, being a bad mother doesn't mean she can't be a victim too, or She's as bad or abusive as others, it just mean she did not do a good job as a mother as she should have, if it was clear that She loved Op's sister more than him, then she failed.
S1. Unpopular opinion. She told him she would be unavailable. UNAVAILABLE. Not busy. He said she has health issues and working tons of hours. My daughter has health issues that would make it pretty much impossible to handle anything beyond her work. Just engaging in a conversation would be exhausting. If gf has such issues she should have told him, but to be honest, ppl often won't accept that. They try to give unasked for advice, opinions, etc. They get judged and accused of hypochondria, attention seeking, faking, using it to manipulate. Other ppl don't really understand what unavailable means in this regard. Maybe she did tell him, and he wouldn't hear. That kind of health issues are difficult to navigate on a social level. If she said she's working and crashing, I'll bet this is it. You have to prioritize keeping a roof over your head. I'll bet she has CFS/ME. She told him. He didn't listen
You might be right, but if she can’t take time to respond to a single text and has to be zero contact for a month every year she’s going to have relationship troubles.
Absolutely! I think the same thing. I’m so sorry your daughter is suffering like that 😢. I have fibromyalgia, c-ptsd, and other painful conditions. I get heavy brain fog. Stress makes the pain and fatigue worse, which kicks in depression. The antidepressants make me even foggier and exhausted. It’s a vicious cycle. I’d bet my life he was blowing up her phone over and over and over, and leaving overwhelming rants in her voicemail, and bombarding her with overly emotional texts raging from “You nasty b” to “I’m sorry, I have anxiety and you triggered it”. I wish we could hear ’her’ side of events!
Agree completely. Ive also been there and you know what my friends, family and loved ones (including then boyfriend, now husband) did? They respected my space. Perhaps they sent messages saying ‘thinking of you’ or ‘let me know if we can help’ etc, but with zero expectation to respond. OP 1 was really acting the way he did to appease himself. *he* wanted to know she was ok (even when she said to leave her alone); “he” was freaking out over not hearing from her; “he” went beating down her door multiple times after she said to leave her alone. I’d dump him too, tbh.
@@TheRockinDonkey Relationship problems are a fact of life for people with health issues that are extremely fatiguing. Even with understanding people, but it's especially hard with people who won't hear them. He said he knew she had health issues. I'd be curious to know how well he understood that, or how well she explained it. My daughter has had to end friendships with people who keep checking on ner "just to see how she is" after she tells them multiple times to leave her alone and let her rest - because they negatively impact her well being. Sometimes it's exhausting just to have a simple conversation. If ppl think it sucks to be in a relationship with some like that, imagine how it feels to be like that.
S1: gunna have to point this out, she said she was UNAVAILABLE during x amount of time. and at least from experience that means no contact majority of the time. a slight hello here or there is a boon though, i did think op's gf was an ass for the silence but reading around other comments and just, trying to put myself in her shoes- yeah no, it checks out. if you're that busy and honestly, sounds like she could possibly be overwhelmed (i know i would) you just shut down or shut out everything and just try your best to focus on the task at hand. this could've been better communicated but, oh well and just to be clear, its honestly completely fine and healthy to walk out of that kind of arrangement since it's not for everyone. S2: op should hopefully not see it as making his mother's trauma about him since it absolutely affects him too, and having that conversation was necessary
I was once like the gf in the story. I owned my own business and worked alone. November through January I worked from early morning to early morning. I had no time. Thankfully everyone in my life understood. I feel for the kid in the second story.. I think the mom could have also kept her daughter close because she is afraid something might happen to her daughter.
S1. Simply incompatible. She works in insurance. When she said she wouldn't have time she meant it literally. If op needs constant reassuring she's not the one for you.
@@RuminatingRaptor For 3 weeks tho? I get being busy with work but to put your relationship on ice for 3 weeks with no communication and expecting your partner to be ok with it is a BIG ask
She's knocking boots with another guy. Shes' just keeping OP in the dark and at bay for as long as she can until she can monkey branch away. If a woman likes you, she will make time for you.
For the second story, as bad as OP felt for blowing up at him mom, I think that might have actually been a good moment for the both of them. The mom was probably having trouble processing her guilt with her son being so kind and understanding as he is. With him blowing up at her, she got the opportunity to apologize and validate the anger he was feeling. Like sometimes when you feel guilty, it’s easier to get over that feeling when the other person DOES get angry with you. When they take it so graciously, the guilt feels so much worse 😂 Poor boy deserved so much better but I’m glad his mom loves him enough to put in the effort to heal. It doesn’t undo the hurt he’s felt, but at least now he has visible evidence of how much his mom loves him.
How many times have we bemoaned stories of someone dying in their apartment and no one noticing for years? Wanting proof of life at least isn't unreasonable.
this happen to me.. and it really is shitty. bf and I hung out together often then all of a sudden needed space, which i gave I try to communicate to make sure knew exactly what it was/meant and be respectful. after he needed space we hung out only for him to need more space.. gave it... but noticed the space was only from me not anyone else and he hung out with our friend fine.. which due to the space i wasn't welcomed making me feel singled out and excluded. after nearly 2 week of no talking, hanging out seeing him hang out with everyone else.. while pretty much him being in a supposed Unliving ideology state.. call hm crying and worried if they was okay... only to be yelled at for not giving them space. not soon after he broke up but wanted to stay friend.. only to find how he absolutely hated me for that check in.
story 1: when someone works in a creative field/ own their own business christmas time is the most disgustingly busy time of year, everyone wants something from you, she warned him!! he knows what her work is and still went banging on her door for god knows how long when he knows she's probably working
S1 OP needs to send a text to his ex officially ending their relationship so she can't play any more manipulation games when he moves on. "I said I need space and you cheat on me!" He needs to put a clear end to the relationship asap.
@@dandotvid It could set him back in the progress he's made. He already thought he was the problem initially when he very clearly wasn't. Better not to give his abusive ex anything to work with that might make him spiral. A clear end to the relationship is for his own best interest.
@@pinkiepower1968 it's also a point to make, she has cero communication skills, he have some communication skills, he has to do the right thing and communicate that the relationship is over and it's her fault for not communicating right.
@@pinkiepower1968 He WAS the problem. She told him she'd be unavailable and he continuously bugged her. His story was making me feel claustrophobic. Can you imagine how she felt?
@@ruthsaunders9507 he shot her a text every once in awhile. And when there was absolutely nothing in response for like 4 days, he contacted her best friend, who encouraged him to go check on her. Meaning this isn't normal for the gf and the best friend was worried too. She TOLD him to come over then blew up on him when she didn't respond til his knocks became frantic because again, she told him to come over, and suddenly she wasn't responding. Who wouldn't be worried at that point?
She shouldn't be in a relationship if she can't find the time to reach out. He should have dumped her way before this and moved on. It really shouldn't be a thing where someone gets a free pass to not communicate just because they said so ahead of time. That's a breakup. Dude probably just didn't have the experience to know that.
Story 1: Well, she did say she would be UNAVAILABLE.... If my house is dark and someone bothers me after I told them I was UNAVAILABLE I would also be pissed off. My ex used to go through periods of not answering the phone without telling me what was up and yeah it would make me worry and I would be pissed off but he started telling me that he was working and sleeping and when I understood that those periods were like a vacation to me lol
Why is everyone on this guys side she said unavailable. Did the meaning of the word change??? She gave the warning some works are like this if she is working 14 hous that meas she really HAS NO TIME for this man he seems supper pushy
Lmao story 1 reminds me of me and my ex last year 💀 we weren’t dating for too long and were long distance and he ghosted me for like 2-3 months and I still kept trying to contact him and he eventually answered me back on Christmas to officially break up with me lmfao and to top it off it was two days after someone close to me had passed away. Shame that I spent so much time trying to make that relationship work lol
"I won't be available in the middle of December." She should have given him dates and defined it further. But, no, she was clear that she wouldn't be available.
Thank you! I found OP clingy and annoying. It would scare the crap out of me if a new boyfriend showed up to my house continuing to bang on the door and ring the door bell if I told someone I'd be unavailable
Thank you! Tbh when people act like this with me I tend to distance myself even more, I’ll let you know when I’m free, until then a boundary was set now respect it.
Story 1: Girl has a boyfriend on the side. She isn't working, she's hosting a man, and she didn't want OP to ruin her 'good' thing, while she slummed it with OP. Anyways, he's better off.
I udersrand OPs anxiety and they just are not right for each other. However, she was clear with OP. She told him she would be unavailable from November to about December 15th. His first and second knocks should have been it, but instead he incessantly knocked until she finally had to scold him through a text. He was not respecting the space she warned him that she needed. My husband works from home, and September is the year end for all his contracts, new and current. His office is right across the room from our bedroom, and I am lucky if I see him for a total of an hour a day, and thats usually when I quietly walk into his office to bring him breakfast, lunch, and dinner. He even has a bed in his office. If we were dating and not living together I would probably never see him for the entire month of September. The month of October makes what we call "Secluded September," worth it as he takes the first 3 weeks of October off, and we relax, spend time together (and with our kids when they lived at home), do projects around the house together, get all our Solstice shopping done, and we travel.
NTA, She told him to come by on Saturday and still ghosted him, stop infantilizing that nasty female behavior. Op needs to dump the psycho and find a more stable communicative Woman and leave that crazy lil girl for the Pyscho Therapist to figure out. NTA
and if she can write a Hateful angry text, why couldn't she respond to his other texts, she wants to be a Victim and she's setting Op up to look crazy, like a Stalker, and she is garbage.
The update where the children laid w mom, made me cry at work, those kids are moms saving grace 😢 the fact that she has raised such amazing and understanding children speaks volumes at how amazing of a mother she’s been. I think the boy is feeling anger partly because of reddit, reddit is full of hate. I think they will be fine long term.
No one is too busy to text one thing a day. I used to go to my master's and work insane hours with a production job, plus being an intern at US.... i still made time to see my bf, even of that meant him watching a movie while i slept on his lap. She's seeing another man or hiding him from someone
Says the person who has never been a Network Engineer. Cell phones don't work in data centers, and in some sites that I had long term assignments in, not to mention the black hole assignments I had (Top Secret Sites)
5:32 honestly, maybe it's for the best. Because do you really want to be with someone like that? Who just flips out because the person they're dating is worried about them not communicating at all?
It all depends on the job, she could be working with overseas clients which means those 14 hour days could be when most people locally are asleep and she's sleeping during the day. Which anyone that has worked night shift before knows how damn near impossible it can be to sleep when the world is awake around you.
@@Zeracheil I have the night shift at my job, I still send message to people I care for, they just answer when they can, people in my timezone and people in other continents, You can still send a "Hey I'm okay, just burnout, we can talk X day when I'm finish with this deadline"
I completely understand the girlfriend in the first story. I worked a job where in November-December it was absolutely horrendous. I’m talking 12-18 hour days with no days off working out in the cold from before dawn until after dusk. I didn’t talk to anyone except coworkers and people out on the job. Even doing stuff like eating or calling my mom took energy I just didn’t have after not getting sleep and being so exhausted for days on end. I dumped someone who wouldn’t stop texting me after I told them about work being hell during those 6ish weeks and that I wouldn’t be able to text. It’s not just about the texting, it’s also about the clear boundaries being broken
That's a you problem. If you dobt have the bandwidth to deal with those things in a way where you can find ten seconds before going to work or bed to reach out, then DONT BE IN A RELATIONSHIP. You are allowed to have boundaries but that doesn't mean all boundaries are reasonable.
@@chickensandwich8808 If you get into a relationship with someone that works a job like this you need to be able to respect their boundaries, if you can't then don't be in a relationship with them.
@@chickensandwich8808 She literally told him what to expect. He CHOSE to stick it out, then repeatedly expected her to go back on her boundaries for his obsessive behavior.
@@ladylilyI think that’s an unfair read. From the looks of it, she didn’t explain properly and even her friend said to contact her. I do agree that being able to respect those boundaries for work related reasons is important, but equally as important is explaining what “unavailable” means. Most people don’t work jobs like that so you can’t expect everyone to just immediately know you’re doing a blackout month.
Story one - OP doesn't say how long they have been in a relationship or what the GF's job is that she has this busy period. From the description this is the first time OP has had to deal with this "busy period", could be GF didn't explain what was involved and why she would be out of contact, and I can understand GF being upset with OP banging on the door during the work day if she works from home.
Nah, I'd be pissed at my mom in story 2. You cannot treat your son like shit and project your traumas of abuse onto him. She subconcsiously associates her own son with her abusers and that would fuck me up hard
Understandable, but it is a trauma response. She had basically been programmed to not trust men. The one man she did trust enough to have a relationship with dumped her with two small children. We can never know how badly someone's been hurt by the awful things that happened to them. OP gave her the push she needed to get help before she damaged her relationship with him permanently, but what you have to understand is that her attitude was fallout from her trauma.
Story two: no sweetie, mom made her trauma your problem. It became about you because she didn’t get her ass into therapy to deal with these feelings until her son was already damaged from her emotional neglect.
Story 1: The two of you are not suited to each other. A lot of people seem to be dumping on this girl. Sounds to me more like she's just an extreme introvert. She's spending all of her energy on work right now, and does not have the capacity to deal with anything else. Which she did communicate to him. OP just didn't understand that that was what she meant. OP is not wrong for moving on. The relationship clearly isn't meeting his needs, and is bringing out some of his worst tendencies. But no, she's not an awful person for not having the capacity to deal with social or emotional crap right now. I can get like that, though she's more extreme than I am. I do know a couple people who crawl into holes and pull the hole in after them at times because they just cannot take on more obligations. And also, yeah, he really should not have tried this during standard work hours. That was probably the worst time to try and communicate.
I agree on all fronts! I'll also say OP may not have realized how deeply he'd be affected by the lack of contact until they were in the thick of it, which is understandable. Unfortunately, the middle of her stress time is not the time to be trying to have that conversation! Just an all around unfortunate situation.
STORY 1: I've been on both sides of that situation: the difference being I actually started compromising after they explained how they felt - it's an incredibly cruel way to treat someone, especially if they have that kind of anxiety. People like that don't deserve the time or energy OP has put in, I hope they can move on quickly and find someone who actually appreciates them.
14 hr work, I know what it’s like working that much and I didn’t talk to anyone at home because I was cooked. But still had days off to recover and spend time with my family.
I might be wrong,but she told him she was unavailable. I would have taken that as not being able to talk or do anything. The O.P. needs to just deal with that. If he can't, then she isn't for him.
Story 1 OP sounds a lot like my ex. Filled with anxiety and a bad communicator (both are, tbh). He should have clarified what "Unavailable" meant to his gf before banging on her door. During WORKING HOURS no less.
Story 1 sounds to me like OP and his "girlfriend" had different opinions about their relationship. We don't know what type of work she had. Could she have sent a text sometimes? Maybe? But maybe her work left her completely drained and all she did once finished is fall into bed. She told him she'd be unavailable. She did respond to some of his texts, just not every single one. He broke her boundaries. I'm not too certain they actually had a "relationship" from her point of view.
Story 2# your mom's the AH for keeping this bottled up and keeping you at arms length for all these years, I'm happy she finally opened up but I hope you both get therapy and keep growing as adults.
Story 1: I completely agree ol' boy should move on but I have a different perspective. His girlfriend did say she would be unavailable, that means she won't be around period. She should have better explained what that is like for her. Since she hates her job and has issues with depression she could be in survival mode... Work, food (maybe), sleep. I have been there.. she doesn't have the capacity for other people right now she isn't even communicating with her best friend. I still believe they aren't a good fit... I believe she could have communicated better before the busy season started, but I don't think she's wrong for the lack of communication.
I still think that a text every few days "I'm still alive, still treading water" would have been a reasonable ask even for a casual acquaintance. Even set up a group text for the people who care if you are alive. Because not everybody has that.
Story 1, Is rough.
I found my boyfriend when he passed away because I couldn't get ahold of him and i had a bad feeling. As awful as that was, it would have been worse to just let it go. Thats not what you do when you love someone.
OP messaged that he was worried for her safety, but instead of shooting off an 'Im okay!' message the ex set him up to come by and then treated him horribly for making sure she's alright.
Even if the ex is just really truly horribly overwhelmed, you can't throw your relationship away for months at a time and expect to pick it up when convenient. Especially with zero contact or communication? Nah, that's not okay.
Im glad OP moved on, but im sorry he was left hurt and confused.
That’s so terrible! Im so sorry that happened to you…I hope you’ve healed from that and are doing better. God bless
@Marina-uu2sz it wasn't months, and she said like 2 wks. I don't know if you've ever seen accounting at the end of the year where tax time try to figure out everyone's billable hours😂😂😂 no one has a life, and their families know whats up. People come home to die. Sometimes, dont eat shower and sleep or sleep wake-up and shower. Total zombie mode.
@HON3YLAND1 exactly. I'm a nurse and the winter is freaking insane. Everybody is sick and the holidays can cause some emotional difficulties for people so the hospital is really busy. There are days when I come home from worth after 14 or more hours and my husband will already have my breakfast ready so I can just jump in the shower and sleep after I finish eating (I work night shift). He'll talk to me in the shower if I need to get something off my chest or if there's something we absolutely need to discuss but otherwise it's straight to bed. My sister is a probation officer and she'll go through the same thing so there are a good few weeks that we don't talk on the phone because we're both in survival mode.
S1: How come everyone that supports OP has to make up stuff and present it as facts for his side to seem like the reasonable one? People can have a bajillion reasons why they're busy for 2 weeks, especially neurodivergent people (hell, I once fell off 'the side of the earth' for a whole 7 months). The girlfriend told OP she was busy and he ignored everything she just said.
@dianaquick8883 my sister is an rn and I've watched your routine exactly take place in my home. When she gets in i ask her about her day incase she needed to vent, clean the kitchen and set aside her dinner that just ends up being tomorrow's lunch because she's too tired to eat... imagine being so tired that chewing is too much.
story one - i have a close relative who works as a tax preparer. that's basically Jan - April with no breaks, and it gets crazier the closer it gets to April. I don't expect to see them during that time. But i do send random memes and "hey there"s to let them know i'm rooting for them. Sometimes all i get is an emoji on a meme a few times per week, but at least i know they're alive. If we lived within walking distance of one another, i'd be dropping of food for them to try to take some kind of burden of their shoulders. i wouldn't expect more than a "thanks" as they head to bed.
This girl though....she's just not interested. she's not communicating AT ALL.
Im part of a railroad club and the club accountant is a tax preparer with a wife and cats.
He should have no time especially during the time period you mention but he does respond *day or two more than usual*.
So yeah
@@maranathaschraag5757 You are correct she appears to not be interested at all and the guy is refusing to accept it.
Probably cheating lol, I highly doubt she's actually struggling that much.
Also this is someone OP is dating your relative makes way more of an effort to let you know they are all good then this lady does for OP good thing she showed this red flag early imagine if they got married or had kids would she just stop being a spouse or mother for a whole month?
Yeah. Tax season was my guess. This also may be an unpopular opinion, but sometimes people just don’t have the bandwidth for a needy partner like OP. All he talked about was what he wanted *from* her, not anything about giving *to* her. If he had done what you do with your relative like send some funny memes that don’t require responses, dropping off snacks, etc then this may have turned out very differently.
End of the day though, I think they just aren’t very compatible.
”In one fell swoop I ended my relationship with someone I cared about deeply.” Seems to me this sentiment is not being reciprocated by her. Move on, find someone that’s willing to take the time out of their day to answer with a single message letting you know they”re alright and not ghost you for days on end.
S1: Did people forget he was literally told by his gf's best friend to check on her when he asked if anyone heard from her? Saying your unavailable means at that time maybe just for the day. Don't say you're unavailable and not explain that It'll be for a prolonged amount of time. Like yeah, I would've been hella worried too. But he asked her BEST FRIEND if he should check on her, someone who you could argue knows her better and was also concerned, meaning this isn't normal for the gf.
Like yeah if someone I'm worried about is supposed to be home and they aren't answering, I'd be panicking. Especially since she COULD hear him and waited until his frantic knocking got too loud instead of just texts "hey, work call, can't answer"
That doesn't mean he had to check on her in the middle of the day when he knew she was working. He was working too, couldn't he have waited until after work? Or is he just that needy after not hearing from her for 4 days.
@@AmericaGuy25 That part of you is wrong since even the gf's friend said go check. OP checked with others and even they were going, "Yeah no somebody should check"
@@penhxd5970 Did you even read the comment? The GF's friend approved of OP checking. And the story itself explained that the GF has health problems. GF is lucky OP didn't called 911 to break down the door to make sure she wasn't passing away!
@@Icalasari She said it was OK to check. Doesn't mean rush over immediately and pound on the door. Again, he could have waited until after work. It was his insecurity and anxiety that caused the issues.
@@Icalasari did you even read? She never said immediately. She just said 4 days NC was enough space for him to check. She didn't say it was abnormal. She didn't beg him to check because she was worried, too. He just dropped everything once he "got the ok."
Story 1: Sometimes No Answer is the answer.
Dude for real! Learn to read the room through text for God's sake! It doesn't even sound like they were in a relationship. They weren't on the same level, and he didn't realize it until now.
ghosting is shitty no matter who you are lmao
@@InfernalPume It ain't really ghosting when you tell that person you WILL BE unavailable. Ghosting is when you don't say ANYTHING about it, no announcements, no 'hey love/man/mom Imma not be reachable for XYZ'. In this case, the girlfriend did NOT ghost by these definitions. She made it very clear very fast.
@@InfernalPumeyes, you are right. Ghosting is never okay. But when it does happen (and I'm sure it will happen to almost everyone at least once), you need to be able to see what is happening and just move on. Unfortunately. Been there, done that.
Story 2 I completely understand how the OP feels, my mother went through sexual trauma and divorce but she NEVER picked herself back up again. She wollowed in her depression my whole childhood and when i went through trauma she wasn't really there for me. Didnt encourage me to do anything or go to therapy, she would take me but if I didnt feel like it as a kid she wouldnt make me go. To this day I can't respect her and I resent that she never got any help for herself until we all grew up and moved out.
She is my shining example of what not to do in life and I refuse to let me trauma effect my kids.
I mean, it is not downplaying her trauma to acknowledge and need help with your trauma. and her trauma does not excuse causing you trauma, even if it can explain it.
@thomasplummer8103 I think it might be petty if me but one thing that always pissed me off is she's always worked a low paying job but would complain about it.
The 1 and only time she tried to do something about it she got her phlebotomy certificate (I spent so much time helping her study, hell I could have got the certificate too if I wasn't 14 at the time lol) but then she complained that she couldn't get a job and all of the jobs said to have experience.
I told her hey you get off work at 1:30pm just go volunteer at Red Cross or something for a few more hours, I'll be ok at home for a couple of hours (knew how to take care of myself already) but nope that was too much work, she was too tired smh
Yeah she should have given her son up for adoption instead of being a selfish monster. Because she abused her own child in a different way her father abused her. She's EXACTLY like her father and her brothers.
@@WhitneyDahlinShe didnt abuse him ffs, not every parenting flaw is the same asabuse. According to OP she never treated him badly or failed to provide him with his needs, she was just more affectionate towards his sister. Thats bas but its not the same asabuse. Also, anyone suggesting he would have lived a better life in foster care might actually be a cIown
@@dulcecaramel i am absolutely NOT in defense of the mf'ing clown you replied to, but i feel its worth noting that it sounds like there was emotional neglect. OP could feel the difference between how their mom loved his sister and how she "loved" him. how it felt like she was trying to unintentionally keep his sister close but push him away. meeting his basic needs is not proof of zero abuse going on. abuse is not always intentional and malicious, but emotional neglect IS abuse.
i also don't like to powerscale trauma. but it's actually insane to compare emotional neglect to being SA'd by the majority of the men in your life, and that's coming from someone who was severely emotionally neglected (among other things). whitney is on crack.
S2: well I'm glad reddit either didn't realize or collectively decided not to mention the dad after the update. based on how OP described it very likely they were a product of assault.. I really hope I'm wrong and if I'm not that poor kid or his sister never put it together....
I thought the same
Yea, I hope it's not that, but it's most likely :(
I also thought the same.
This is a really good point that I didn't consider. The OP may even look like her assailant, which could contribute to her repulsion towards him throughout the years.
What I was thinking is that it could be that mom just wasn't comfortable with the dad and unable to open up. The guy may not even realize that she was pregnant and this is why she never told the kids.
I had this thought too. I wouldn't be surprised if she figured she would be fine initially when they were first born because it was her baby. But then as he started growing and getting bigger, she started to not handle it as well. She probably might have even thought she was covering it well until he called her out, and then she had to come to terms with the fact that she couldn't just "get over it" by herself and that it was badly affecting him also. I'm glad they've been able to work through this together though.
Story 1: The fact that even her friend hasn't heard from her and it's not just OP shows me she's a very selfish person. She might have a hard job, but just dropping off the face of the earth, getting mad when loved ones check on you, then ghosting again shows me she doesn't actually care about the others in her life. It doesn't take long to send a quick text if you're in the bathroom, but apparently even that's too difficult for her. OP is much better off without her.
Story 1: If you can't even make time for a good morning/good night text, you're ghosting your partner
Even the update didn't put her in good light. Like women, what happen to a simple text saying *can't chat now but I will text you when its all done and it will be a while ok*
Except she specifically told him she'd be unavailable during that time. Dude has zero fucking boundaries for a relationship that is THREE MONTHS OLD
@@Mewse1203 good morning takes less than 5 seconds to type. she was making literally 0 effort. he is better off without her.
@@Mewse1203"boundaries" not speaking to someone over 12 days is not a boundary. If you don't want a bf then break up
@@lalvarez5151 when you put it that way and given the time of year id say he is the side piece
She found the time to tell him off. She could have found the time to say hi every now and then
👏🏾
Exactly
@@wildfyah she was for 3 weeks. Then 3 days after that he freaks and goes pounding on her door in the middle of the day on day 4 when she doesn't reply back. She was communicating at least once a week.
If she has so little time for OP then she has no extra capacity for a relationship at all. She shouldn't be dating anyone. Why does she have a BF at all if she's going to put zero effort? OP, stop apologizing and dump her.
@@jaymel4691
🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ Her being busy during a specific time period doesn’t mean she can’t be in a relationship, it was for a few weeks to a month out of the year. He’s a mess and needs to work on himself.
I am one of 5 kids for my mother, and was the product of SA. I never knew that until I was 22. There was a clear difference in the way my siblings were treated compared to me. She was hyper critical of me, harsher punishments, less attention, overall negligence towards me.
While i understand the trauma reasoning for this, especially as a multi-time SA victim myself, it doesn't excuse the behavior or make it alright.
I'm sorry you experienced this growing up and hope you have had the tools to help yourself heal and move forward as a strong, healthy adult. ❤
Thank you!! The mom in this story at the very least knew she had issues with men, and yet she put off getting help until her son was almost leaving for college, meaning his entire childhood is shot.
This is not a cute story.
Now that you are an adult, do you think you'd have preferred ti be given up for adoption?
@loiracitr that's hard to say. My mom and I have a good relationship now, but there's been a lot of traumas I've dealt with in my childhood. If you asked me when I was younger, I probably would've preferred being put up for adoption.
@beneisenman1183 I understand. I wish you the best for your future! You sound like someone who has done a lot of self reflection, and I believe that it always pays! ♥️
On the one hand, she did say she would be unavailable.
On the other hand, she could have explained a little bit about WHY.
I do agree! While I absolutely and fully am on the girlfriend's side by the way that OP himself is explaining the situation, I would say an initial message detailing the expectations and THEN cutting off all contact would have been the better action.
Agree completely.
Didn't she tell him in the beginning it was because of work? Then, how she was so tired, she could only eat and crash? When did she not explain why?
@@penhxd5970 The story points out she has health problems, and even the gf's friend approved of OP checking. If you have health problems like that, send an emoji to a liaison once every day or two so people know you don't need medical help. Even without health problems, an emoji once or twice a week so people know you are still alive
One emoji to one person who has the job of making sure people know you're alive. That takes less than ten seconds
She didn't set proper expectations about what her "unavailable" looks like.
Can’t wait for the update when the girlfriend becomes available again and is shocked to see OP with a new girlfriend and is informed that OP dumped her months ago
Edit: some of you in the comments need to chill 😂
This. And then she loses her mind in public that hes happy and not waiting for her on the sidelines.
the ex gf could be dead or kiddnape for all we know and we call her a ghost when she finaly get out of hell work month and be surprise she can't keep a bf or a pet around her
@@WitchDoctorMegra I am guessing she will be perfectly happy with the result as long as he leaves her alone. No one is really mad earn their stalker finds another target.
@@yohishi1221
I don't even beleve she was "working, who the Hell has 14+ hour work days and lives minuites away but won't find five minuites to text, call or come over, that makes no sense, I think she was working on something else, large and eggplant shapped!😒
@@fcold9402 Glad someone else caught the stalker vibe in this one!
1. I feel sorry for all the partners of those whom says OP is in the wrong for being concerned, they are in a one sided relationship of someone who doesn't care about them.
There is nothing normal to ghost people for weeks including while having a agreed time plus a friend who would be concerned after only 4 days.
But then again those people didn't listen or cared 30 seconds into the story, just like they don't care about anyone but themselves.
Hope OP finds a better partner, because she is not worth it.
Story 2 is a great example of how trauma lingers forever. OP and his mom should watch Encanto together to understand how generational trauma can affect a family across generations. Hope the mom can continue to heal. The experiences she had were horrific and can break minds.
Yup! Trauma never really leaves, especially SA it lingers and never disappears.
Piss off if a man treated a daughter in a similar way you'd have your pitchforks ready
There should not be a statuate of limitations on child SA😢!!! Children need to grow to learn how to stand up for themselves. They aren't born with that knowledge!
I wonder if her brothers have kids who are going through the same thing😢?!!! I also wonder if her brothers were going through the same abuse and were taking it out on her?
I think that it might be helpful if she wrote the father and brothers letters to get everything out of her, all of the hurt, anger, and screaming it out on paper! Whether she delivers it or not, I think that it would help lighten her load❤!!!
Not the same but yeah generational trauma is real. I am not a big fan of easter as my maternal granfather commited suicide second day after easter when my mother was 16. And I remeber her crying pretty much every easter growing up.
Not an excuse
Story 1: As someone who had a very busy life when I first met my husband 21 years ago; if you care about someone, you make the time to at least touch base with them. My husband was active duty Navy as well, so, there would be periods of time he'd be doing training or have long shifts. Still, you make the effort.
This woman didn't want to make the effort. No job is so busy that you can't at least touch base with a text or let the person know that for a couple of days (in the case of my husband) that you'd be unreachable, but would contact them when you were able to. Hell, I've worked 18 hour days, yet still contacted people when I had a break.
Yea, while reading your comment, I thought why can’t she shoot a text during her lunch break? Nobody works that long without some kind of break. Oh I can hear it now…I eat while I’m working, so I still don’t have time. Unless she’s running her own business and can dictate no breaks, companies can actually get in trouble if employees aren’t taking lunch/breaks.
@@stirrednotshaken4823
Are you new to earth? Go tell nurses they never work without a break, so you can be laughed at or mocked.
@@RuminatingRaptor Stop the Cap, because ALL nurses get their breaks, maybe not their "scheduled" breaks but they DO get BREAKS. She doesn't work 24/7 and she had time to write a 2 page Angry hate text, but couldn't respond to any of his earlier texts? NTA
Use common sense and Stop infantilizing females bad behavior, she INVITED Op over and ghosted him, all that psycho is doing, is trying to make herself a "Victim" and using Op as a Villain/Stalker/Harasser.
Grow up because if anyone treated you like this you wouldn't like it. NTA
@@RuminatingRaptor Well, excuse me for hurting your little feelings! Considering the story revolves around a person working from home, nurses didn't come to mind when I was talking about breaks. If breaks are important to someone wanting to become a nurse, maybe they should reconsider the profession.
@@RuminatingRaptor oh screw off dude. I'm a nurse tech and do more shit than a nurse. I see nurses on their phones ALL the time. I have 12-18 paitents at a time and nurses have 4. The only nurses like what you are saying are ER nurses. Floor nurses take lunches, smoke breaks, watch movies at their desks, ect. If they don't take a lunch, thats on them. I never get a lunch cause I'm running around EVERYWHERE. Guess what, still take a minute to send my bf a message when I'm using the bathroom at work.
What I love about Mark is something I don't see anywhere else is how he gets genuinely emotional in some stories.
S2: It’s not that good parents never mess up, but that bad parents never ADMIT they mess up, or do what they need to do to make things right. OP’s mom is a good parent. He should feel proud for speaking up, and of the progress they’ve made as a family; they will be closer for their struggles, in the end.
Exactly this. People who are expecting perfection out of everyone is ridiculous. But being able to admit you messed up and then (in this case) actually taking steps to fix it is literally the definition of excellent parenting.
I’m actually going to have a similar conversation with my parents soon…although I’m not as hopeful for a good outcome.
She probably didn't notice the differences😢! She gave them equally except for her feelings. So she probably thought that she was hiding it well❤ right up to his mentioning the disparity😮! Then she didn't try to deny it or make it look like he was at fault. She made attempts to remedy her fault😊!
I wonder if any nieces or nephews she might have are going through the same thing😢!
I think that it would be good to write dad and the brothers letters to really let them have it, whether she delivers them or not, it might feel good to purge the hate and pain😮!
Perhaps the same thing was happening to her brothers, and they, in turn, were taking it out on her😢?
It's too bad that there is a statuette of limitations on the amount of time to report😢!!!
@@shadamyandsonamylover I had a talk like this with my parents when I became an adult. Mind you, my parents were amazing parents, but me and my family went through *a lot* of tragedy in my youth. I had a lot of questions I needed answers to, if that makes sense. I needed to know why they did this or why I was never allowed to do that. They were both so horrified at even the possibility that they had hurt me. Hearing them apologize for just not knowing what they couldn’t possibly have known was all I needed. It showed me that they always tried their best, and that sometimes life simply falls short. It was a huge part of becoming an adult; understanding that no one has it completely figured out. Plus, it’s not like they were writing books back then on how to deal with the stuff I was going through (I was a sick, bed bound kid, for context). Now that I’m approaching 40, I understand exactly how much they did for me, and frankly…. I have no idea how they coped so well with so little.
No she’s not
I disagree.
As a survivor of DV and SA/CSA myself, trauma may explain behavior, but it doesn't excuse it. She had many, many, MANY years to get therapy, and even if she wasn't aware that she was treating her son badly, she was fully aware of her issues with men. Her son is not the only male she would need to interact with.
She chose to have children, knowing full well that a son was a 50/50 shot, and she chose to put off therapy for literally decades.
I'm absolutely horrified by the comments praising her for not freaking out when her *OWN SON* snuggled with her, like, come the eff on!! That's not a "mistake", making your own child think that it's a good thing that you trust them not to r@pe their own mother!!!
This isn't a mistake. OP's childhood is literally over. This is literally too little too late. The generational trauma has already been kicked down the road.
Story 1: as someone who had extreme burnout from caregiver fatigue, work fatigue, grief, PTSD/cPTSD, and dissociative depression, I did lose all capacity to reply and send follow-up messages to the man I loved and who had been so loving and understanding of my situation. Eventually we mutually and lovingly agreed to end things indefinitely because he deserved so much more and I cared about him too much to keep doing this to him. It was really painful. This story kind of reminds me of that but having over shared all of this, I feel like even if she's unable to give enough into a relationship, she could at least take the time to communicate the ending, seeing how badly her behavior was impacting OP. Instead she doubled down and had zero empathy for the very valid concerns and reactions that OP had.
If somebody shows up at your door and is pounding on it and is constantly reaching out to you even though you said you weren't available, it's just f****** boundary stomping and you're not going to be compassionate or considerate. It's a violation and it should be treated as such
@ineedhoez if you want someone to disappear, you don't want a relationship with them. Pretending you are with someone, but keeping a "boundary" of them to stay away isn't fair. If she was honest with him he wouldn't have kept trying. Once she broke up he left her alone, which is what she obviously wanted.
@@ineedhoezI’m inclined to agree! It really came off weird to me that he was watching her house, then incessantly visiting her house. She maybe wasn’t particularly tactful, and maybe she didn’t deserve the relationship, but she was clear that she was unavailable and didn’t have the capacity even for courtesy texts. Rude and unacceptable as that may be, she was up front. I’d be curious to know what job she has, and what job op has. I’ve had busy periods in my working life where I’ve worked all day and then continued to work after hours off the clock until 3-4am. I had zero ability to socialise or even really check in. It’s not pleasant but it happens. And if I had a someone buzzing around after I told them to leave me alone I’d probably ghost them too.
@@oceana3070 You DO realize that he lived in the same building?
E.g. I would notice if my neighbours car hadn't moved for weeks, not because I watch him but because it is parked next to mine while there are multiple parking spots ..after a few days I WOULD notice ...
She ghosted him for months ...normal for you ..not normal for most ppl
@@robertx8020 I would have ghosted someone too if they couldn't let me be alone for 2 weeks without me having to answer a third-degree questioning.
As a person who has gone dark during busy work seasons, I would simply tell my family and SO that I'm working 6/10's, I have 1 day off to live my life and catch up on everything, so please don't call (text me instead), I'll get back to you in a few days and my calendar is blacked out for these days and I will not be attending any events. I worked an overnight shift and obviously my schedule was the opposite of most which made it difficult from the start but easier because they were unsure when a good time to call was anyway. I explained what unavailable means. I just finished with one of those seasons on the 24th. Everyone understands. I'm not the first person in my family that had a graveyard/overnight shift.
I think it all comes down to communication and understanding. I did respond to texts in 1-3 days or on my 1 day off
Most people commenting on story 2 are annoying and out of touch. This is the only correct opinion about that story:
1. Obviously OP has nothing to apologize for, we all agree on that
2. His mom is not a bad mom at all if anything she is a wonderful mom and better than the majority of parents in the world. Most people cant manage to be halfway decent parents even though they dont have trauma or extreme external hardships. Based on OP's own account, his mom didnt mistreat him or fail to provide for him any of his needs, she was just more warm and loving to his sister than she was to him. Most parents show favoritism in a far harsher way AND its unconnected to any trauma they had.
OP's mom literally had nobody to help her. No support system at all, according to OP. As far as parental flaws go, hers is mminor and thats without even considering the fact that she went through one of the worst things any human being could go through in their lives and she went through it MULTIPLE times. She is a fantastic mom and an extremely admirable and strong person, who clearly cares for both her kids
I know some commenters will spout nonsense like: "wHy DiDnT sHe FiX tHe PrObLeM eArLiEr?" Obviously because her son didnt communicate to her that there was a problem until now. She isnt a mind reader, she is a single mom who is struggling with worse trauma than most people could even comprehend with zero support at all from others. No one can seriously blame her for not noticing the problem before it was brought to her attention.
as for the commenters that said she should have given him up for adoption if she didnt think she could raise a boy... words fail me. He has lived a far better life with her than he ever could have lived in foster care, which is a nightmare. Also she obviously DID think she could take care of him, which is why she didnt notice that she was offloading her trauma onto him until he brought it up
oh and one more thing, people in these comments are obviously extremely young because they think things like therapy were easily accessible and socially accepted 10+ years ago like they are now... Nope! There were no apps, no online therapy, no hundreds of websites to guide someone through how to go about getting an affordable therapist that fits their specific needs, and it was VERY socially taboo. The mom genuinely did the best any normal person could do in her circumstance
2. OP's mum emotionally neglected him. She is a very hurt person and she should be commended for surviving so far, but no. She was not an amazing mother. It's not her fault, but she was not. OP will have to go a long way to recover from the damages of his childhood... sure, his childhood was a dream compared to what his mum had to endure, but let's be honest, it's not OP's fault
S1 way long ago during a relationship I learned about being a partner of convenience. I need space means screw off until I need you.
#1 Dude is clueless. Leave her alone.
Story 1: Bro was being treated like crap. He didn't F up, he did himself a huge favor.
No. She expressed a boundary and he repeatedly stepped on it. He couldn't give her 2 weeks of peace when she's overwhelmed.
Unavailable isn't zero contact for days in a row. Relationships take effort. No one is working every single hour of every day
@ashassassin
Bpd lol
@@priam2882 Ikr? Whatever her issues, a simple text could've cleared things up. I was expecting a schedule like a medical internship or something, but she worked at home. Mystery does tend to stick your attention. Even her BFF hadn't heard from her, so at least it wasn't just OP. I'd just chalk it up to her being a weirdo.
He waited for 2 weeks plus 4 days then contacted her best friend. He went over days after the 4 week expressed limit. Ya he should have known he was being dumped. This rings more unexperienced more than anything else. Imho
First story: I have huge anxiety issues around loved ones. One of the ways I knew early on that my husband is my person is that he went out of his way from the beginning to check-in at times when I would tend to worry. Even if he’s busy, even if we’re fighting and he doesn’t want to talk to me, if I’m panicking (I.e. multiple calls in a row) he’ll check-in. It’s easier now that we’re married and I know I’ll see him when I get home, but I still have rough days when he doesn’t answer a text cuz he’s distracted and the evil anxiety imps inside my head whisper “what if he’s dead tho” and I spiral during my drive home from work and need to just cling to him for a few minutes after getting there. But overall, it’s such a blessing to have one person in my life that I can totally unmask with and don’t have to temper my worry-moments and can just fully say “I love you and I don’t want you to ever be not here and my brain is mean sometimes”. It actually makes my other anxieties easier to handle - if I’m worrying about a family member not responding or something I’ll usually check with him and ask “I’m being ridiculous here, right?” And having that outside reinforcement that everyone and everything is okay really helps. He made it a rule very early on that if I’m panicking or sad or anything like that, I am REQUIRED to call him no matter what time of day or night. Not in a controlling way but in a “don’t you dare talk yourself out of it because you don’t want to be a bother” way. God I love that man and I hope OP finds themself someone who can be that for them.
Story 2- I’ve got…conflicting feelings on cus it hits a bit close to home. My mom has similar trauma but when she went to therapy, she got an awful therapist so therapy is now mostly off the table. And her not finding good coping mechanisms for her trauma…did impact us kids and we have our own trauma from it. Trauma explains one’s actions but it doesn’t excuse them. The mother still made OP feel like the lesser, unloved child all of their life. It might be healing now but that scar is always going to remain.
It’s not as an excuse for how she treated him and while I’m sorry for his and your mom, having gone through similar situations I don’t treat people like crap and if this is a bias she knew she had she said so herself then she should have worked on that.
S1: Nope. If I told someone I was worried about them and they didn't tell me they were alive, just because they were busy, we'd be done. It takes two seconds to send an emoji. Girl is going to pop back up when her busy season is done and still expect to have a bf. Miss me with that.
I had a friend like this. Super busy trying to get their career launched. I realized I was doing all the work, and gently reminded them to make time for their friends, because they might look up from their work and wonder where all their friends had gone. Their response? "Oh, I don't worry about that with you, we can go three years and pick up like we never left off." (Yeah...because I tested it for three years to see if they'd even notice, or reach out. They never did.) So, I stopped reaching out again. It's going on six years and I haven't heard from them. If this friendship isn't worth putting in some effort for you, why am I fighting so hard for it?
Edit: Since either YT is eating my replies or they're getting reported, in response to Shadowkissed saying "Dropping friends and loved ones because they didn't contact you for a week and a half says more about you than you think."
If you bothered to read my comment, I didn't drop someone after a week and a half, I gave them three *years* to reach out. (I actually probably waited too long, because they were one of my longest friendships.) Not taking all of two seconds to respond to someone you are in a relationship with, who has expressed concern for your wellbeing, letting them know you are OK/miss them/good morning, says a lot more about *you* than you think. I prefer my way, thanks. There is a difference between "unavailable" and "straight-up ghosting," she did the latter. I also think, my personal opinion, that if you ghost someone for weeks at a time, you deserve to lose the relationship.
S2: Honey, you didn't mess up. Your mom has trauma, yes, but she needed therapy to not take that trauma out on you (which she did). SHE messed up, not you, but it's good she realizes it and is going to make an effort to fix it.
Except his worry was nonsense. She specifically told him she would be unavailable and only had energy to work and sleep during that time. He was using his anxiety as an excuse to bother her when she told him not to. This relationship wasn't even 3 months old for Christ's sake. THREE MONTHS.
OP is a boundary stomping creep.
@@Mewse1203 Lol, no. TWO SECONDS to send a text. That's all it takes. My husband had to work out of state for 6 months at a time for a few years. He worked 16-hour days, managed a team, and still found the time to text me an "I love you," "I miss you," and "Good morning/night." Relationships don't stop when you're busy. We have three autistic kids, we are the definition of always busy/having our hands full, and we still make time for each other, because that relationship is important to us.
@KE-hr4sb yeah, your HUSBAND. Not the person you' were casually dating for 3 MONTHS
If you were constantly bombarding them and banging on their door after they told you they were not going to be available I can see why they wouldn't tell you they are ok.
@@KE-hr4sb the difference in that is he is your husband, and op has supposedly been with her for only 3 months (if its not just in his head).
Story 1: with my SO there are times when I 'unplug' from the internet/phone. When I do, I let him know a couple weeks in advance that I'll be doing it. He then has the choice to join me (and unplug himself) or decide he doesn't wanna do it.
OPs ex is an AH. She ghosted him (and others) plain and simple. No need to be around someone like that.
((EDIT: Please be civil in my comments below. Stop with the name-calling or jabs towards people's intelligence or reading/listening comprehension.
Thank you))
Her friend even said that he should check on her. OP’s gf could have at least sent a text saying she’s ok, just busy.
@Sherwoody yeah. If I was the friend, I'd just distance myself from the friendship, since it's pretty clear OPs ex doesn't care. 🤷♀️
@@sidepai If you were the best friend, would you have let this stranger you've never met take care of your best friend? Wouldn't you come see about her at least once? Doesn't that tell you something that only OP knocked on her door, called her, and claims the BEST FRIEND told him to take care of everything? Think about it.
@@ladylilylady you are acting really crazy. Are you by chance the ex from the story? I don’t know how old you are, but proper communication goes a long way. And there was a lack of communication here no matter how you slice it.
@shadamyandsonamylover I think we can see their point without insults. They are saying that OP literally was concerned for her wellbeing and the friend wasn't. They just disappeared after OP knocked, which is curious if OP was texting her on what to do or the fact she seemed limited in her concern.
There are plenty of people out there who work more than 14 hours a day and still make time for the people they love what’s her excuse
He decided to come hang on her door after a particularly shitty day she had and she just snapped . Simple as that
@@totallynotalpharius2283 So? What about the other month of 0 communication?
Not everybody has the same abilities. I used to work 12 hour days for 8 days straight. People barely heard from me. I worked, ate, slept. I have chronic illnesses that meant I had nothing else to give. But my friends and family knew this. I ended up quiting the job because I could not maintain it, my personal life, and what little health I have left.
She has no excuse, she’s just a bad person
@@OtisFlintShe met OP outside every now sn then and it was two weeks in when her responses stopped. Probably when she started becoming really drained.
S2: I feel like the mom got off WAY too easy, here. OP is right to be angry. If she wasn't capable or comfortable being around him as a male child then she should have given him to his father's family or given him up for adoption. I know that there are some people out there who say that OP's father may actually be one of his mother's past assailants. And that's true..he very well may be. But it could _also_ just as possibly be a man TOTALLY unrelated to her past trauma, as we see that (based on OP's upbringing) his mom is not above ignoring him and pushing him aside due to being a male... _despite_ him not having actually done anything to her. I also question why the sister never said or noticed anything. So was she just sitting back and enjoying all the excess love and attention coming her way while her brother got nothing?? I think that OP is very considerate not to hold any of this against his mother and sister, but frankly they BOTH (mom and sis) seem like horrible people. The sister was selfish and greedy (there is _no way_ she didn't notice the discrepancy in treatment) and mom noticed as well...she just didn't expect her son to notice or to call her out on it.
I am not simply speaking out of ignorance. I am a victim of generational trauma. My parents were each abused and mistreated as children. My mother's mother was abused and mistreated. My mother would tell me horror stories about her youth (and i'd overhear my dad telling _her_ stories about _his_ youth), but instead of them each being better to myself and my little brother, they instead turned around, rubbed their hands together, and gleefully went, _"My turn!"_ Each of them excited to have their turn at the whip. As adults, it is OUR responsibility to deal with our individual trauma so as NOT to pass that abuse and trauma onto our children. As an adult you are _still_ a victim, true; but this DOESN'T give _you_ or _ANYONE ELSE_ the right to then turn around and victimize INNOCENT CHILDREN! Because at that point, _YOU_ become the aggressor and it is NOT ACCEPTABLE to try to excuse your behavior as _"but, it was done to me too!!"_ 🙄
So, I’ve been this girl. the mental capacity thing is sooooo real. I know what it’s like to have anxiety build every time you pick up the phone to text someone because you literally do not have the emotional or mental bandwidth to talk to them.
It’s why I am SINGLE, actually.
I think she needed to be clear that they were going on a break or that she couldn’t maintain contact keeping him on the hook without talking to him and blowing him off and letting him be scared for your health is messed up. If she couldn’t keep up with the relationship, she should have ended it.
I'm sorry but I've been in that position too and believe it or not it DOESN'T take that much to say "hey still alive talk later" and get back to it. Don't make excuses for her because it is in fact inexcusable leaving people to worry about you whether you're alive or not.
@@impishrebel5969 Precisely. Even for a neighbor or shirttail cousin, let alone a SO, just a text "Still alive, no need for the cops to do a welfare check lol" every few days is a super easy ask. A buddy of mine was working a temporary assignment in another city. Nobody heard from him for days. His wife finally called his landlord to check on him. He had died of a heart attack.
@@impishrebel5969they weren’t making excuses for her. They were saying that they understand why the girl was (potentially) not texting back - but that it was shitty of her to not explain that in any way.
You people need to stop thinking that just because someone brings in a perspective that it means they are saying it’s totally fine.
This, the comments are full of people like her, the issue is not is she has the ability or not to be in a relationship, but to decide to be in one when she knows she shouldn't.
@@shadamyandsonamylover sounds like they were to me. maybe they should chose their words more carefully like proper adults or take accountability for speaking incorrectly
1st story, OP, your girlfriend is stringing you along. No person is too busy to send a text, and time together for 1 hour in a week.
If a person is, it's worth re-evaluating priorities and making a healthy change. 24/7 work without at least a sprinkling of non-work activities (sleeping doesn't count) is the fastest way to burnout, loneliness, and an early grave.
My sister is a tax preparer and I barely communicate with her January-April. Normally we talk at least 3 times a month.
@@sienkiewiczmonika1161 does your sister talk To her husband during thay time?
@@sienkiewiczmonika1161my stepdad is a tax worker lots of people he still talks to his family even in another city
@@sienkiewiczmonika1161 but You know her, You've known her for decades, OP didn't know well her girlfriend as they are still in the dating phase, is not the same.
S2 that really hit home with me. I also struggle with my relationship with my mother. While my mom has never been sexually abused (and believe me, she would have told me) she was mentally and physically abused her whole life.
Ive gotten the stories from her over the years, and as I got older I slowly began to process/understand how it all made the woman my mother is today.
She is trying her best to improve, and thats is why I am still around. Shes putting the I in Tried, and in her own ways she is trying to make up for the past.
The road of our lives is never smooth, there will always be potholes and bumps, but we always make it to our destination.
Story 2: it is good that op has compassion for his mom, However, he has the right to be Angry and should not feel guilty for being angry.
Story 2: Thank you, @MarkNarrations, so much for finding this uplifting story of hope for today's video. The day after Christmas can be tough - oh, let's get real - the entire holiday season can be tough, so it was great to listen to this story of all the ups and downs of a family healing *together*. Again, thank you!
Story 1: TBH I'm like that girlfriend in the story. I have a hard time keeping up with communications with people, but fully realize that's a me problem and would never complain or get angry if someone wanted to check on me to make sure my cat wasn't eating my face.
I'm sorry for what the mom went through when she was younger but the simple fact that she did not get help when she knew she needed it and ended up taking it out on her CHILD for more than a decade makes her a failure as a mother even if she is getting help now it didn't help all those years she treated him like shit.
She was raped her entire childhood. I really don’t think y’all, are understanding what the reality of that is. A small child being raped by adult men over and over and over. I’m not sure that even therapy would’ve made a huge difference in her with that level of trauma.
@nightstarstar1 then if she knew she had that trauma she should have put her son up for adoption or something like that because she literally created generational trauma because of her trauma.
@@GreenKnight1982 right and then he would’ve come looking for her wondering why she got rid of him and not his sister and been mad about that. No matter what moms can’t win. It’s almost like women should just opt out of motherhood altogether because perfection can never be achieved.
@nightstarstar1 I was adopted at 6 weeks and I've had no urge whatsoever to find any of my biological family
I have never in my life dated a woman who would put up with not hearing from me for an entire day and I'd have never put up with not hearing from her. And I'm old enough where that sometimes implied landlines and ling distance calls. Now with texts and cell phones? It's ridiculous to claim you can't even text a "hello" or a "good morning" or a "how are you?" as you are getting food or taking a break to shower. I feel for the OP because he clearly has some real self esteem issues. I'd have been out by day 3.
Story-1 : Yes most of the time being off grid is a red flag like this. But if you’re in the military, sometimes you get deployed where you CANNOT communicate other than letters. And even then you might not be able to depending on where you are. I’ve been deployed a few times where I could not communicate with people and it made me very depressed. Not internet, not phone service. Not allowed off base, no mail box/PO Box. It sucks. But in this story she’s obvious work at home..:. Which makes no fucking sense. Good on OP for moving on
I myself am an end of generational trauma, I refused to have kids. And at 35 struggle much the same as my mother did, but i at least cant pass that along. I could never be angry at her for some of the things she did because of that, but I also never trusted nor wanted to be close, it was impossible after her first attempt to end her life. She just passed, the hole in my chest is odd, first caused by that attempt and repeatedly torn open from so many episodes from her, but this time she cant reopen it anymore and I feel hollow, even more as its nearly been a year since my father passed. 2024 was not too kind for me, only the boon of getting a much needed surgery and the start of changing my name.
This woman could have at least told him more than just "I'm going to be unavailable for a month". She owes him an explanation!
Exactly! “I’m going to be swamped with work. Hit me up in a few days.” How hard is that?
What else could she have added to being unavailable. Why is it so hard to listen to the words people speak
@@misslauren6798 She does not "owe" him anything. They are not married and it is doubtful they are actually dating. Why is everyone taking this guys statements as fact. He would accept "I am unavailable" what makes you think he would accept "we are not dating".
@fcold9402 I'm just going to agree to disagree...🤷🏾♀️
@@fcold9402 Sure, people who see each other every day in a romantic setting might not label themselves as a couple, but it's still a romantic situationship regardless. Therefore, basic respect and decency is indeed owed with open communication, which means she should have explained her definition of "not available for a month despite living floor above".
What, next thing you will say that in super market you don't own people anything and will just waltz out with gloceries without paying? Same principle.
OP in first story is the last person to realize she just isn't into him. If girl really likes you she will find time no matter how busy they are. I wouldn't be surprised if she was cheating on him too.
If she isn't in to him then she should have at least enough decency to break up instead of treating him like some forced spare
My first thought was that her real boyfriend was back in town/home for a conjugal visit/ ship was back in port, and then when he left she’s free to have him take her to dinner or movies etc.
@@Sherwoodyagreed. It felt like there was something more to this situation.
I disagree but op needs to back off . She said she was busy .
💯. Even one text per day just to reassure him wasn't alot to do.
I'm actually a bit conflicted about Story 1. If I'm honest, I think the only thing the girlfriend truly did wrong is not apologize for blowing up. Not everyone is a texter; I think this is a misalignment of expectations. I hate texting, but was when in the honeymoon phase of the relationship, suddenly I was texting all the time. If I got busy at work, I'd revert right back to hating my phone.
The GF told him well in advance that she was gonna be terribly busy for a month. January is a bad overtime month at my work and I pretty much do the same thing she's doing. I can understand why she snapped when she did, as wrong as that was of her to do (I'd be cranky if I was running on fumes and someone was whacking on my door as I'm in a client meeting I cannot just get up from). She definitely should have given a heartfelt apology afterward she cooled off since OP had understandable and good intentions with the visit.
I'm in a similar situation with a parent I haven't lived with for years assuming the worst if I don't respond to things often enough. It's exhausting and stress-inducing - I'm effectively responsible for their anxiety, and that's not fair to me. Sure, it only takes a minute to send a text, which is why I do text them most days. But if I explicitly tell someone they won't hear from me for X amount of time, and they refused to respect that (see: my parent after day 2), I'd lose respect for that person. I know OP has nothing but the best intentions, but his story stressed ME out on the girlfriend's behalf.
Since the story is about a partnership, I think they'd simply be incompatible if this was an indefinite thing, but GF laid out the timeline and it's only for a month. If they wanted to continue this relationship, I think it's more of a meet-in-the-middle situation: wait till this busy month is over, then have a talk setting clear boundaries from both sides for next Nov-Dec to determine if their expectations can be aligned or if they're simply incompatible (Note: the middle of this timeframe when she's hyperstressed is NOT the time to be trying to discuss these boundaries, as much as that sucks for OP. It would've been preferable for them to have had this discussion prior to this year's busy month, ofc, but they didn't realize their expectations were so unaligned until they were in the thick of it, which isn't really either of their fault.)
I too understand the GF here. I have some seasons where I have to basically wake up, work, eat and sleep. She told him in advance. I don't get how is she in the wrong. They are just not a good match.
Nah. She should have ended the relationship with him instead of brushing off that she'd be busy. She left the relationship. She just didn't tell him.
@@a_noelles So when my fiance or I do similar things when our work gets busy, we're leaving our relationship without telling the other? The OP and GF simply have different needs.
@@DT-sx6im if you disappear for weeks with no contact then yes, you are.
@@a_noelles Lol we're literally getting married after 5 years of us both needing such spaces at times. It works for us.
OP is better than me. A person that struggles with depression going missing for 5 days? I’d have called the cops and informed them of a possible attempt
I said it on another channel’s coverage of this vid and I’ll say it again here: the gf totally sounds like she’s neurodivergent and in a terrible burnout. I’m not saying she treated him well, but it sounds to me like she tried to set a boundary and limit the things she had to process because she was overwhelmed, and that didn’t sit right with his anxious attachment style. They’re just def not compatible, because they have different needs.
Honestly it’s a little sad to me to see how many people are tearing into her. Yes she was an inconsiderate partner, but it sounds like she was kinda put in a survival mode where all she could focus on was getting through the day. I’ve had a lot of neurodivergent friends who become unreachable during stressful, busy periods (like finals/midterms), and it’s never been a reflection on how much they care for me. It’s just a matter of bandwidth, and how being completely overwhelmed sends them into shutdown.
I'm glad OP accepts his mom's explanation, but his mom is an AH. You can be a victim and an AH. She had nearly 20 years to get her 💩 together.
I like that update. OP deserves to be angry. Take her to task. There was a 50/50 chance of a male child. And again she had nearly twenty years to get it together. I wish everyone healing. Don't sleep on community college. Like that commenter said, if I could go back I would absolutely have gone that route
💯👍🏿
Sometimes she doesn't have time to get her shit together
@GiordanDiodato or the fact the trauma has literally stunted her brain so bad that even the littlest things are an effort. If she could have done it on her own, she wouldn't have needed a therapist. But it's good OP called her out on what she isn't aware of, because trauma can really mess up your perception.
I imagine being a single parent of twins, there isn't even a small amount of time for self care😢! Without a partner to say to you that you need to see what is happening, it would be so easy to pretend that it's just not a problem! "He has everything he needs, and I don't abuse him. What more can I do for him?" I think that she just didn't notice the difference in her emotions was apparent. She probably thought that she was hiding it well.
I was surprised that she didn't jump out of the bed when he came to offer comfort only!
I imagine that OP feels bad about it, but sometimes our heart or brain kinda wants a little bit of payback, even though we know the wrong wasn't done on purpose. So OP is mean to get the tiny bit of payback then apologizes😢!
If she's bringing up twins with no help what time and money do you think she would have had to do this? Therapy takes both. I couldn't go to therapy for 3 years because I had a child and a job. Just one child and her dad is in the picture, still can't do everything. Now I can as she goes to school and also we can afford it now that wasn't always the case
This is something i found out in my mid 20s while dating. If they like you they will make the time to talk to you, to see you, to do the bare minimum. She didn’t do that. She didn’t like you as much as you liked her. It’s sucks and i know what it’s like to worry. I’m in a long distance relationship and my gf is very forgetful. So she will do the “ text you when i get home” and then not do that. It can be nerve racking but someone who cares about you will get back to you when they can.
I'm sorry but there's just available and unavailable. Unavailable means that she won't have contact, and she warned you. May not be good but is like people don't get what some words mean.
Hey Mark! I heard the small shudder you made as you were wrapping up narration for S2's final update. I need to thank you for it, for leaving those human moments in the audio instead of editing them out. Those moments are why I (and I'm sure other followers) tune into video after video. In this age of AI voiceover narration it is *beautiful* to know that a living, breathing human being is on the other side of these stories; one who is defiantly compassionate, and wholly unafraid to show it. I applaud you and thank you.
Happy holidays Mark! Hope you're having a wonderful time wherever you are.
Story 1: I felt the same way about communicating in any situation or high-pressure job until I was in one. No one could have prepared me for just how little capacity I had for anything. It was 3 months of pure hell, and I had to send a similar message to friends and family. 14-hour days every day, yes, every day with constant emails even after the sign off from managers and team members that gave zero F's about my failing physical and mental health. I barely had energy to take care of myself, much less anyone else. I shudder to think how my furbabies would have suffered had I not had an involved partner.
Just a bit of perspective as we tend to give allowance for those who have known problems that could impact them such as anxiety or severe postpartum, Depression, etc. so it can be difficult to give empathy and understanding for those who are in a situation we can see into especially when we aren't getting what we want/need despite what they may be going through.
Be well everyone!
1) I can imagine this is an unpopular opinion, but I think he needed to look up the word "unavailable". It seems to me she was clear when she explained that she was incredibly busy and all she "had the capacity for" was work, sleep and to occasionally eat. For him to ignore that and keep pushing I find incredibly rude and obnoxious. If he did not like being in a relationship with someone who would be absent from his life from mid November to December 15th then he should have realize they are not compatible, she is not the woman for him, and to end the relationship, but to persist in intruding during that one month's time was very disrespectful and annoying. She realized they were incompatible and he should not feel sad it's over.
After update: I'm glad OP realized it was not a good relationship for him and he needs to move on and do better for himself.
2) It is sad this is the situation and the demons OP's mom is dealing with and it's too bad that, as a single mother she did not have time or money for much needed therapy, but she is now going for it. It's good OP revealed their feelings and mom opened up about it and they have better understanding now.
After update: It's nice mom is getting therapy with OP going along, that sis now knows too, and this is helping to heal the family.
After next update: I think OP is resentful and lacking understanding of how hard it was for his mother to raise twins on her own, especially with having a son and having the trauma she did. It's good his mother validated his natural feelings of anger and resentment.
After final update: I'm glad to learn everyone has been helped by therapy and they are doing better and are closer now.
I thought that when OP knocked on the door it was going to open with the GF’s husband or live-in boyfriend and OP would find out that he’s the side piece.
I thought the same thing 😅
I did as well.
Maybe that is why the gf did not open the door.
Maybe her bf was back from the military lol
"I was abusive and neglectful of you because you happen to be the same gender as people that were abusive to me."
Oh, well, all's forgiven..... I hate the OP of the second story more than I hate the woman that abused him for suddenly thinking that what was done to her absolved her of what she did to him.
1: I think the ex needs professional help. She didn't just ghost OP. She's ghosting everyone. If work is so draining that she can't maintain basic communication, she needs to find a new job.
Or she has a "system" that works for her as long as people listen to her when she puts down her boundaries for that month
@iljuro she's in the process of destroying all her relationships. Friendships and relationships are give and take. If everything is 100% your way, without returning anything the other person needs, all your relationships are going to fail. Reasonable people would expect at least an emoji response occasionally when they say they're going to be swamped with work and unavailable. You can't totally ghost people for weeks on end and expect people to simp for you and stick around till you decide to grace them with your attention. That's relationship 101.
@@iljuroHaving a system does not mean it is a good system or that said system works. To be blunt: when people are starting to worry if you're even alive, you need to rework your system if only so you don't start wasting police/government time.
Op over stepped like she busy , after long day at work having lone time is what needed to recharge.. op very pushy and needy
@@cyndib511that’s a lie adult friendships are like that where you go weeks without talking because of life ! Me and my best friends just met up in November. Last time we met up was in July. Yeah we like each other’s post and say what’s up once in a while.
Dated a nursing student once. I respected her schedule. When she knew that she didnt have time for a relationship, she did break up with me. That hurt, but it was better than what happened in story 1. I've got anxiety, too, and work long days. Not getting any comminucation at all would play hell on me.
I feel for both of them. Just... the whole situation isn't great, and neither of them handled it the best
Still sick over the holidays and woke early to deal with it. This helps for distracting, thank you
S2: She's a bad mother, being a bad mother doesn't mean she can't be a victim too, or She's as bad or abusive as others, it just mean she did not do a good job as a mother as she should have, if it was clear that She loved Op's sister more than him, then she failed.
S1. Unpopular opinion. She told him she would be unavailable. UNAVAILABLE. Not busy. He said she has health issues and working tons of hours. My daughter has health issues that would make it pretty much impossible to handle anything beyond her work. Just engaging in a conversation would be exhausting. If gf has such issues she should have told him, but to be honest, ppl often won't accept that. They try to give unasked for advice, opinions, etc. They get judged and accused of hypochondria, attention seeking, faking, using it to manipulate. Other ppl don't really understand what unavailable means in this regard. Maybe she did tell him, and he wouldn't hear. That kind of health issues are difficult to navigate on a social level. If she said she's working and crashing, I'll bet this is it. You have to prioritize keeping a roof over your head. I'll bet she has CFS/ME. She told him. He didn't listen
You might be right, but if she can’t take time to respond to a single text and has to be zero contact for a month every year she’s going to have relationship troubles.
Absolutely! I think the same thing. I’m so sorry your daughter is suffering like that 😢. I have fibromyalgia, c-ptsd, and other painful conditions. I get heavy brain fog. Stress makes the pain and fatigue worse, which kicks in depression. The antidepressants make me even foggier and exhausted. It’s a vicious cycle. I’d bet my life he was blowing up her phone over and over and over, and leaving overwhelming rants in her voicemail, and bombarding her with overly emotional texts raging from “You nasty b” to “I’m sorry, I have anxiety and you triggered it”. I wish we could hear ’her’ side of events!
Agree completely. Ive also been there and you know what my friends, family and loved ones (including then boyfriend, now husband) did? They respected my space. Perhaps they sent messages saying ‘thinking of you’ or ‘let me know if we can help’ etc, but with zero expectation to respond. OP 1 was really acting the way he did to appease himself. *he* wanted to know she was ok (even when she said to leave her alone); “he” was freaking out over not hearing from her; “he” went beating down her door multiple times after she said to leave her alone. I’d dump him too, tbh.
@@TheRockinDonkey Relationship problems are a fact of life for people with health issues that are extremely fatiguing. Even with understanding people, but it's especially hard with people who won't hear them. He said he knew she had health issues. I'd be curious to know how well he understood that, or how well she explained it. My daughter has had to end friendships with people who keep checking on ner "just to see how she is" after she tells them multiple times to leave her alone and let her rest - because they negatively impact her well being. Sometimes it's exhausting just to have a simple conversation. If ppl think it sucks to be in a relationship with some like that, imagine how it feels to be like that.
@@Bethsabee_Sheba_Newrose My daughter has the same. More people than ever have it now as an after effect of COVID. She had it long before.
This is a remarkably mature and self aware teenager.
S1: gunna have to point this out, she said she was UNAVAILABLE during x amount of time. and at least from experience that means no contact majority of the time. a slight hello here or there is a boon though, i did think op's gf was an ass for the silence but reading around other comments and just, trying to put myself in her shoes- yeah no, it checks out. if you're that busy and honestly, sounds like she could possibly be overwhelmed (i know i would) you just shut down or shut out everything and just try your best to focus on the task at hand.
this could've been better communicated but, oh well
and just to be clear, its honestly completely fine and healthy to walk out of that kind of arrangement since it's not for everyone.
S2: op should hopefully not see it as making his mother's trauma about him since it absolutely affects him too, and having that conversation was necessary
I had to reread the post for story 1. OP was messaging her constantly and the longest time without communication was 3 days. Dude was harassing her.
I was once like the gf in the story. I owned my own business and worked alone. November through January I worked from early morning to early morning. I had no time. Thankfully everyone in my life understood.
I feel for the kid in the second story.. I think the mom could have also kept her daughter close because she is afraid something might happen to her daughter.
S1. Simply incompatible. She works in insurance. When she said she wouldn't have time she meant it literally. If op needs constant reassuring she's not the one for you.
If you are that unavailable then you don’t need to be dating, period!
If you can’t accept that people get busy, you don’t deserve to be in a relationship, period.
@@RuminatingRaptor For 3 weeks tho? I get being busy with work but to put your relationship on ice for 3 weeks with no communication and expecting your partner to be ok with it is a BIG ask
She's knocking boots with another guy. Shes' just keeping OP in the dark and at bay for as long as she can until she can monkey branch away. If a woman likes you, she will make time for you.
S1: So if you were actually married and living together would you get that same treatment?
For the second story, as bad as OP felt for blowing up at him mom, I think that might have actually been a good moment for the both of them. The mom was probably having trouble processing her guilt with her son being so kind and understanding as he is. With him blowing up at her, she got the opportunity to apologize and validate the anger he was feeling. Like sometimes when you feel guilty, it’s easier to get over that feeling when the other person DOES get angry with you. When they take it so graciously, the guilt feels so much worse 😂 Poor boy deserved so much better but I’m glad his mom loves him enough to put in the effort to heal. It doesn’t undo the hurt he’s felt, but at least now he has visible evidence of how much his mom loves him.
13:30
"My mom has been a bad mom... But that doesn't mean she is a bad parent"
~ OP 2024
“I’m a Bad Guy, but that doesn’t mean I’m a bad guy!” Is what that reminded me of.
How many times have we bemoaned stories of someone dying in their apartment and no one noticing for years? Wanting proof of life at least isn't unreasonable.
This wasn't random. She told him she'd be unavailable and he refused to listen.
this happen to me.. and it really is shitty. bf and I hung out together often then all of a sudden needed space, which i gave I try to communicate to make sure knew exactly what it was/meant and be respectful. after he needed space we hung out only for him to need more space.. gave it... but noticed the space was only from me not anyone else and he hung out with our friend fine.. which due to the space i wasn't welcomed making me feel singled out and excluded.
after nearly 2 week of no talking, hanging out seeing him hang out with everyone else.. while pretty much him being in a supposed Unliving ideology state.. call hm crying and worried if they was okay... only to be yelled at for not giving them space.
not soon after he broke up but wanted to stay friend.. only to find how he absolutely hated me for that check in.
story 1: when someone works in a creative field/ own their own business christmas time is the most disgustingly busy time of year, everyone wants something from you, she warned him!! he knows what her work is and still went banging on her door for god knows how long when he knows she's probably working
S1 OP needs to send a text to his ex officially ending their relationship so she can't play any more manipulation games when he moves on. "I said I need space and you cheat on me!" He needs to put a clear end to the relationship asap.
At that point it doesn't matter. If she comes back at him later, who cares?
@@dandotvid It could set him back in the progress he's made. He already thought he was the problem initially when he very clearly wasn't. Better not to give his abusive ex anything to work with that might make him spiral. A clear end to the relationship is for his own best interest.
@@pinkiepower1968 it's also a point to make, she has cero communication skills, he have some communication skills, he has to do the right thing and communicate that the relationship is over and it's her fault for not communicating right.
@@pinkiepower1968 He WAS the problem. She told him she'd be unavailable and he continuously bugged her. His story was making me feel claustrophobic. Can you imagine how she felt?
@@ruthsaunders9507 he shot her a text every once in awhile. And when there was absolutely nothing in response for like 4 days, he contacted her best friend, who encouraged him to go check on her. Meaning this isn't normal for the gf and the best friend was worried too. She TOLD him to come over then blew up on him when she didn't respond til his knocks became frantic because again, she told him to come over, and suddenly she wasn't responding. Who wouldn't be worried at that point?
My question is: the "best friend" is in the same boat as OP, why?
Because he wound her up. She wasn't concerned until he made it an issue.
She shouldn't be in a relationship if she can't find the time to reach out. He should have dumped her way before this and moved on. It really shouldn't be a thing where someone gets a free pass to not communicate just because they said so ahead of time. That's a breakup. Dude probably just didn't have the experience to know that.
If she can't send liners at least once a day, she's just not into you.
Story 1: Well, she did say she would be UNAVAILABLE.... If my house is dark and someone bothers me after I told them I was UNAVAILABLE I would also be pissed off. My ex used to go through periods of not answering the phone without telling me what was up and yeah it would make me worry and I would be pissed off but he started telling me that he was working and sleeping and when I understood that those periods were like a vacation to me lol
Typing this takes only a few second. This already proves that she is simply a shitty person.
Why is everyone on this guys side she said unavailable. Did the meaning of the word change??? She gave the warning some works are like this if she is working 14 hous that meas she really HAS NO TIME for this man he seems supper pushy
She should have just broke up if she was really meaning incognito. Shouldn’t expect your boyfriend to be fine with being ghosted for a whole month.
Lmao story 1 reminds me of me and my ex last year 💀 we weren’t dating for too long and were long distance and he ghosted me for like 2-3 months and I still kept trying to contact him and he eventually answered me back on Christmas to officially break up with me lmfao and to top it off it was two days after someone close to me had passed away. Shame that I spent so much time trying to make that relationship work lol
"I won't be available in the middle of December." She should have given him dates and defined it further. But, no, she was clear that she wouldn't be available.
Thank you! I found OP clingy and annoying. It would scare the crap out of me if a new boyfriend showed up to my house continuing to bang on the door and ring the door bell if I told someone I'd be unavailable
Thank you! Tbh when people act like this with me I tend to distance myself even more, I’ll let you know when I’m free, until then a boundary was set now respect it.
Story 1: Girl has a boyfriend on the side. She isn't working, she's hosting a man, and she didn't want OP to ruin her 'good' thing, while she slummed it with OP. Anyways, he's better off.
I udersrand OPs anxiety and they just are not right for each other. However, she was clear with OP. She told him she would be unavailable from November to about December 15th. His first and second knocks should have been it, but instead he incessantly knocked until she finally had to scold him through a text. He was not respecting the space she warned him that she needed.
My husband works from home, and September is the year end for all his contracts, new and current. His office is right across the room from our bedroom, and I am lucky if I see him for a total of an hour a day, and thats usually when I quietly walk into his office to bring him breakfast, lunch, and dinner. He even has a bed in his office. If we were dating and not living together I would probably never see him for the entire month of September. The month of October makes what we call "Secluded September," worth it as he takes the first 3 weeks of October off, and we relax, spend time together (and with our kids when they lived at home), do projects around the house together, get all our Solstice shopping done, and we travel.
NTA, She told him to come by on Saturday and still ghosted him, stop infantilizing that nasty female behavior. Op needs to dump the psycho and find a more stable communicative Woman and leave that crazy lil girl for the Pyscho Therapist to figure out. NTA
and if she can write a Hateful angry text, why couldn't she respond to his other texts, she wants to be a Victim and she's setting Op up to look crazy, like a Stalker, and she is garbage.
The update where the children laid w mom, made me cry at work, those kids are moms saving grace 😢 the fact that she has raised such amazing and understanding children speaks volumes at how amazing of a mother she’s been. I think the boy is feeling anger partly because of reddit, reddit is full of hate. I think they will be fine long term.
No one is too busy to text one thing a day. I used to go to my master's and work insane hours with a production job, plus being an intern at US.... i still made time to see my bf, even of that meant him watching a movie while i slept on his lap. She's seeing another man or hiding him from someone
I had a friend like this: she just didn't seem to understand that people wanted to spend time together in a relationship.
Says the person who has never been a Network Engineer.
Cell phones don't work in data centers, and in some sites that I had long term assignments in, not to mention the black hole assignments I had (Top Secret Sites)
5:32 honestly, maybe it's for the best. Because do you really want to be with someone like that? Who just flips out because the person they're dating is worried about them not communicating at all?
Tbh, 14 hrs of a work day isnt so much that you can't even text back. OP deserves much better
It all depends on the job, she could be working with overseas clients which means those 14 hour days could be when most people locally are asleep and she's sleeping during the day. Which anyone that has worked night shift before knows how damn near impossible it can be to sleep when the world is awake around you.
@@Zeracheil I have the night shift at my job, I still send message to people I care for, they just answer when they can, people in my timezone and people in other continents, You can still send a "Hey I'm okay, just burnout, we can talk X day when I'm finish with this deadline"
@@Zeracheil people text and browse the internetwhile they poop everyday. whats her excuse?
I worked 16 hour days (2 jobs) and still made time.
If you can poop you can text and say "I am okay" it takes seconds
I completely understand the girlfriend in the first story. I worked a job where in November-December it was absolutely horrendous. I’m talking 12-18 hour days with no days off working out in the cold from before dawn until after dusk. I didn’t talk to anyone except coworkers and people out on the job. Even doing stuff like eating or calling my mom took energy I just didn’t have after not getting sleep and being so exhausted for days on end. I dumped someone who wouldn’t stop texting me after I told them about work being hell during those 6ish weeks and that I wouldn’t be able to text. It’s not just about the texting, it’s also about the clear boundaries being broken
That's a you problem. If you dobt have the bandwidth to deal with those things in a way where you can find ten seconds before going to work or bed to reach out, then DONT BE IN A RELATIONSHIP. You are allowed to have boundaries but that doesn't mean all boundaries are reasonable.
@@chickensandwich8808Preach!
@@chickensandwich8808 If you get into a relationship with someone that works a job like this you need to be able to respect their boundaries, if you can't then don't be in a relationship with them.
@@chickensandwich8808 She literally told him what to expect. He CHOSE to stick it out, then repeatedly expected her to go back on her boundaries for his obsessive behavior.
@@ladylilyI think that’s an unfair read. From the looks of it, she didn’t explain properly and even her friend said to contact her.
I do agree that being able to respect those boundaries for work related reasons is important, but equally as important is explaining what “unavailable” means. Most people don’t work jobs like that so you can’t expect everyone to just immediately know you’re doing a blackout month.
Story one - OP doesn't say how long they have been in a relationship or what the GF's job is that she has this busy period. From the description this is the first time OP has had to deal with this "busy period", could be GF didn't explain what was involved and why she would be out of contact, and I can understand GF being upset with OP banging on the door during the work day if she works from home.
Nah, I'd be pissed at my mom in story 2. You cannot treat your son like shit and project your traumas of abuse onto him. She subconcsiously associates her own son with her abusers and that would fuck me up hard
Understandable, but it is a trauma response. She had basically been programmed to not trust men. The one man she did trust enough to have a relationship with dumped her with two small children. We can never know how badly someone's been hurt by the awful things that happened to them. OP gave her the push she needed to get help before she damaged her relationship with him permanently, but what you have to understand is that her attitude was fallout from her trauma.
@hodgeelmwood8677 That's not good enough imo, you created this boy and raised him. It's on you for pushing your trauma on him
Story two: no sweetie, mom made her trauma your problem. It became about you because she didn’t get her ass into therapy to deal with these feelings until her son was already damaged from her emotional neglect.
Story 1: The two of you are not suited to each other.
A lot of people seem to be dumping on this girl. Sounds to me more like she's just an extreme introvert. She's spending all of her energy on work right now, and does not have the capacity to deal with anything else. Which she did communicate to him. OP just didn't understand that that was what she meant.
OP is not wrong for moving on. The relationship clearly isn't meeting his needs, and is bringing out some of his worst tendencies.
But no, she's not an awful person for not having the capacity to deal with social or emotional crap right now. I can get like that, though she's more extreme than I am. I do know a couple people who crawl into holes and pull the hole in after them at times because they just cannot take on more obligations.
And also, yeah, he really should not have tried this during standard work hours. That was probably the worst time to try and communicate.
I agree on all fronts! I'll also say OP may not have realized how deeply he'd be affected by the lack of contact until they were in the thick of it, which is understandable. Unfortunately, the middle of her stress time is not the time to be trying to have that conversation! Just an all around unfortunate situation.
OP also seems hella clingy for a new relationship. The banging on the door as well as continuous door bell ringing would have scared me
S1, how much you wanna bet ex gf is gonna be ghosted by the next guy and have the nerve to be upset?
STORY 1: I've been on both sides of that situation: the difference being I actually started compromising after they explained how they felt - it's an incredibly cruel way to treat someone, especially if they have that kind of anxiety.
People like that don't deserve the time or energy OP has put in, I hope they can move on quickly and find someone who actually appreciates them.
14 hr work, I know what it’s like working that much and I didn’t talk to anyone at home because I was cooked. But still had days off to recover and spend time with my family.
That first story sounds like she's just got another man visiting her during that time. Idk, that's just me..
That's what I think too
That or she's on a bender. 🤷♀️
100% husbands/boyfriend is back for a short time or something lol
Story one is why I always stayed single (12 yr), I'm not good for anyone, I keep disappearing :(
I might be wrong,but she told him she was unavailable. I would have taken that as not being able to talk or do anything. The O.P. needs to just deal with that. If he can't, then she isn't for him.
Story 1 OP sounds a lot like my ex. Filled with anxiety and a bad communicator (both are, tbh). He should have clarified what "Unavailable" meant to his gf before banging on her door. During WORKING HOURS no less.
... or she could have...
Story 1 sounds to me like OP and his "girlfriend" had different opinions about their relationship. We don't know what type of work she had. Could she have sent a text sometimes? Maybe? But maybe her work left her completely drained and all she did once finished is fall into bed. She told him she'd be unavailable. She did respond to some of his texts, just not every single one. He broke her boundaries. I'm not too certain they actually had a "relationship" from her point of view.
Story 2# your mom's the AH for keeping this bottled up and keeping you at arms length for all these years, I'm happy she finally opened up but I hope you both get therapy and keep growing as adults.
Story 1: I completely agree ol' boy should move on but I have a different perspective. His girlfriend did say she would be unavailable, that means she won't be around period. She should have better explained what that is like for her. Since she hates her job and has issues with depression she could be in survival mode... Work, food (maybe), sleep. I have been there.. she doesn't have the capacity for other people right now she isn't even communicating with her best friend. I still believe they aren't a good fit... I believe she could have communicated better before the busy season started, but I don't think she's wrong for the lack of communication.
I still think that a text every few days "I'm still alive, still treading water" would have been a reasonable ask even for a casual acquaintance. Even set up a group text for the people who care if you are alive. Because not everybody has that.
14 hours a day? that's not that much (specially working from home, no commute)