I relate to a lot of the avoidant thoughts, yet I feel like I need a lot of reassurance. Then again, I've been dating severely avoidant men for 20 years, so there is always a lack of commitment, communication, clarity, and emotional fulfillment. I'm starting to think my desire for more is pretty healthy. I dont go through people's phones or stop them from doing their own hobbies with their own friends.... I just want someone who can love me emotionally and fucking communicate !! I sure hope this is the last relationship (and breakup) of this kind for me. I've come so far in recognizing that this avoidant type or person will never be 'won over' by my love.
This is all very very helpful. As much work as I do on myself and when I encounter a setback, I do my best to not shame myself and knowing that I’m still learning. Still practicing secure attachment style rather than anxious. Thank you so much for all this invaluable information. ❤
It helped me to hear what secure attachment looks like. I can see I've grown into some of those traits, thankfully, but have more to go. Question: I'm generally a mindful, accepting person (with some insecurities), and I have a knee jerk reaction to someone's withholding something from me, for not being seen as the thoughtful, understanding and accepting person I am - a trigger from my childhood of having been unfairly villainized - which then immediately touches into that wound of having been projected onto unfairly as a child from my mother, which then can cause me to project onto the other person a lack of love for me, that may not be true. If you followed that, where can I start, besides apologizing for my part in being reactive, to try and heal my reactive side or what choice can i make in that moment to not further escalate things? I know to try and catch myself starting to react and to communicate a desire to continue the convo, but that I need to take some time out to calm down first or with through my reactivity first. How much can we expect a partner to help is through these things? Can we ask them to say a certain reminder phrase at certain times like "this seems to be a hot button issue so can we take some time (specify how long - 15 mins, 1 hour, 4pm, 5pm?) to digest what just happened for each of us?) and I'll call you then? Is it possible that I'm going to keep getting triggered until I find a secure person or I become one myself? Is it possible a secure person would be more understanding, patient or tolerant with some level of reactivity? If I can only work these things out in a rltnshp don't we have to have a safe place in which to practice these things? I keep thinking a couple ought to want to grow past these things together. Yes or no?
I've had some past boyfriends say I leave a 'minefield' of tests for them in the initial stages of relationship. When I was younger I got away with this...they generally stuck around. But now, in early 40s, its like I throw a test which might take the form of pushing them away in some way, and often they are like 'see you later' at the first hurdle. Do you have any comments about this? Second question: I also notice that I often want to know if its a yes or no for me and for them early on in the dating perhaps not giving us time for things to develop, and I can go for pretty intense questions quite early as part of this. I guess the latter one could say comes from anxiety. But how do you know if you are deciding too early, ie if one should go slower and let things unfold, or if a lot of the time we really know if its a yes or no quite early. Gut vs rational. Thank you!! AND does the fact that it tends to be a 'no' to somebody, or perhaps I create a situation where its easy for them to do something that I reject mean I'm fearful of or don't really want an intimate relationship (I tend to go back and forth about my desire for a relationship depending on how I'm feeling in my life). Thank you again! Ive posted these in the form for the next q and a x
How would a securely attached person respond to dismissive avoidant if they ended up dating? Would the secure person even find themselves in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant? People say that secures find secures and they wouldn't even find themselves dating an insecure attachment and otherwise would be insecure if they did.
They won't waste their time dating anybody who is not behaving in an emotionally mature way actually. They won't date any avoidants who are not aware of their behaviours and are not open to growth. For them to stay with an insecurely attached partner, the latter needs to be willing to learn to be more secure, i.e. communicate, work on themselves, learn to self-regulate in a healthy way, learn to be interdependent, etc.
![Are They Avoidant, or Just Not That Into Me? [Avoidant Attachment]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/vBpEKz2gHyU/mqdefault.jpg)
![Are They Avoidant, or Just Not That Into Me? [Avoidant Attachment]](/img/tr.png)
I relate to a lot of the avoidant thoughts, yet I feel like I need a lot of reassurance. Then again, I've been dating severely avoidant men for 20 years, so there is always a lack of commitment, communication, clarity, and emotional fulfillment. I'm starting to think my desire for more is pretty healthy. I dont go through people's phones or stop them from doing their own hobbies with their own friends.... I just want someone who can love me emotionally and fucking communicate !!
I sure hope this is the last relationship (and breakup) of this kind for me. I've come so far in recognizing that this avoidant type or person will never be 'won over' by my love.
This is a fantastic breakdown of secure attachment. I resonate with this so much. Thank you 🙏🏻
Very helpful! Great video!!
This is all very very helpful. As much work as I do on myself and when I encounter a setback, I do my best to not shame myself and knowing that I’m still learning. Still practicing secure attachment style rather than anxious. Thank you so much for all this invaluable information. ❤
It helped me to hear what secure attachment looks like. I can see I've grown into some of those traits, thankfully, but have more to go.
Question: I'm generally a mindful, accepting person (with some insecurities), and I have a knee jerk reaction to someone's withholding something from me, for not being seen as the thoughtful, understanding and accepting person I am - a trigger from my childhood of having been unfairly villainized - which then immediately touches into that wound of having been projected onto unfairly as a child from my mother, which then can cause me to project onto the other person a lack of love for me, that may not be true. If you followed that, where can I start, besides apologizing for my part in being reactive, to try and heal my reactive side or what choice can i make in that moment to not further escalate things? I know to try and catch myself starting to react and to communicate a desire to continue the convo, but that I need to take some time out to calm down first or with through my reactivity first.
How much can we expect a partner to help is through these things? Can we ask them to say a certain reminder phrase at certain times like "this seems to be a hot button issue so can we take some time (specify how long - 15 mins, 1 hour, 4pm, 5pm?) to digest what just happened for each of us?) and I'll call you then?
Is it possible that I'm going to keep getting triggered until I find a secure person or I become one myself?
Is it possible a secure person would be more understanding, patient or tolerant with some level of reactivity? If I can only work these things out in a rltnshp don't we have to have a safe place in which to practice these things?
I keep thinking a couple ought to want to grow past these things together. Yes or no?
I've had some past boyfriends say I leave a 'minefield' of tests for them in the initial stages of relationship. When I was younger I got away with this...they generally stuck around. But now, in early 40s, its like I throw a test which might take the form of pushing them away in some way, and often they are like 'see you later' at the first hurdle. Do you have any comments about this? Second question: I also notice that I often want to know if its a yes or no for me and for them early on in the dating perhaps not giving us time for things to develop, and I can go for pretty intense questions quite early as part of this. I guess the latter one could say comes from anxiety. But how do you know if you are deciding too early, ie if one should go slower and let things unfold, or if a lot of the time we really know if its a yes or no quite early. Gut vs rational. Thank you!!
AND does the fact that it tends to be a 'no' to somebody, or perhaps I create a situation where its easy for them to do something that I reject mean I'm fearful of or don't really want an intimate relationship (I tend to go back and forth about my desire for a relationship depending on how I'm feeling in my life). Thank you again!
Ive posted these in the form for the next q and a x
How would a securely attached person respond to dismissive avoidant if they ended up dating? Would the secure person even find themselves in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant? People say that secures find secures and they wouldn't even find themselves dating an insecure attachment and otherwise would be insecure if they did.
They won't waste their time dating anybody who is not behaving in an emotionally mature way actually. They won't date any avoidants who are not aware of their behaviours and are not open to growth. For them to stay with an insecurely attached partner, the latter needs to be willing to learn to be more secure, i.e. communicate, work on themselves, learn to self-regulate in a healthy way, learn to be interdependent, etc.