AITA for insulting my wifes decisions?
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- Опубликовано: 2 фев 2024
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I'm sure she already knows that, she just wanted to vent and be heard lol
@SinningInHellthey're in a committed relationship, i would imagine being able to vent and be comforted by your partner isn't asking too much lmao
@SinningInHell well we certainly know you don’t have any meaningful relationships
@SinningInHell you're acting like the equivalent of a living dirty wet wipe, some people just want a supportive partner, no need to be bitter
@SinningInHellhe’s her partner though, not some random on the street. If he can’t deal with her venting then they shouldn’t be together. If she held it all in until she exploded then people would be mad at her for that too.
Plus I doubt she knew he’d be like this when she had kids with him.
@SinningInHellWho says she wouldn't give back? And being supportive is kinda the bare freakin minimum. If you can't support your life partner....don't have one, that's a failure on your end, bud. Nobody agrees with you because you are being irrational and insensitive. Do you know what a healthy relationship is?
She probably wanted to vent and receive comforting words, not a reality check
But I know a lot of men think they’re supposed to offer advice. I’ve even offered advice when someone was just venting, it’s hard to know. I like the reality check, especially if my thinking was wrong
@@Catherine.Dorian.This isn't a man/woman thing. She 100% needs a reality check. She can't be acting like this and expecting people to have sympathy. She CHOSE to have kids, it wasn't by accident. And now she's getting mad that the person she knew was toxic is still in her life. She can either get 100% custody and a retraining order or just stop being ridiculous and trama dumping on her friend, then taking it out on him for her own mistakes.
@@RaccoonRecluse Oh, that I agree with. I more meant for the man, I wasn’t looking at that crazy woman lol. But I only go to people like that when I want actual advice, until then I keep my problems where they belong - buried deep inside giving me an ulcer
Telling someone "yeah , you fucked up" is a bad way of responding to them venting to you
Extra worse when its about an abusive ex. Like wow, may as well start telling abused children to pick better parents next time
@@ifeeldead463right? That’s how I felt when I learned about narcissism and emotional abuse. Like I didn’t get to choose my parents.
@@ifeeldead463yeah and then when people are like why didn't they leave or anything pisses me off so much, like I know normal people have no reason to look for this information but women killed by abusers are (I don't remember the exact stats I want to say it was 5x) more likely to be killed after/while trying to leave them, but then still what if they don't have anyone to go to should they take the children and live on the street? They won't have money cause all abusive is almost always paired with financial abuse and even then they get somewhere to stay they now have to fully rebuild their life from the ground up with nothing, and don't get me started about the police who told my mom after being beaten they couldn't arrest him because abuse between married people wasn't illegal in their state and they weren't even married but they didn't care.
@@ifeeldead463yeah i honestly don't agree with "You made the choice to have kids with him" Did she know he was an ass when she actually had kis with him?? And him being a ass is something she has to deal with because she had kids with him??
No. You don't have to deal with other people being jerks, that's not a decision you made
@@CbOt7 ESPECIALLY because partner ten to BECOME ABUSIF AFTER HAVING KIDS.
It not like it’s some dark unknown fact that women suffer more abuse as soon as they become pregnant. So statistically speaking, she most likely thought he was a normal guy until the pregnancy.
And now new boy is out here wondering if he did wrong after telling her she was at fault??? As if the abuse someone else gives you wasn’t litteraly completely that other person’s fault ???
Sounds like she was just venting and wasn’t looking for an actual answer
Yes, but that means she needs to tell him that or he needs to ask her if she’s just venting or wants a solution / the reality of the situation
@@austinsimpson2373Then he's not a good husband. He failed to show kindness and empathy. She was already feeling low, she didn't need him to make her feel lower. She didn't need the obvious pointed out to her. She needed/wanted a comforting ear and support. The obvious or "reality" of the situation wasn't needed and he didn't give any solutions. But maybe his behavior suggested to her, that she chose wrong once again and to get out now. So there's a plus🙂
@@austinsimpson2373yeah in a perfect world that would happen every time we wanted to vent to someone but if someone is already upset and need to vent they won't always think about telling their loved ones that they don't want to be told a solution. Also it's just kinda obvious the answer, I don't think op is an asshole but telling someone something thats super obvious at a time of stress could also feel idk insulting? (There's a better word, can't think of it rn.) Also not to mention he could've given better solution that doesn't sound like he's fully blaming her for the things she's going through, like go to the courts.
@@wednesdayschildfullofwoe or she could just say that she needed to vent...
You women really do expect your guy to randomly read your mind, untill you realise you wont find one, and settle for a fucker like this woman's ex
@@wednesdayschildfullofwoeThey're not married, just dating. To be fair, over phone even if it's a call sometimes things don't come off clearly and she shouldn't get pissy and give him the cold shoulder for putting in his comment on the whole thing. She asked a question, even if she didn't want an answer to it, she got one and has to accept that, sometimes people say or answer a question even though you were just venting and it's up to YOU to handle that comment ((unless ofc it's down right wrong or offencive which this wasn't))
She's aware of what OP is saying but her marriage to psychopath was most likely before she knew who he was, so I don't know if saying things are her fault is true or even valid.
I mean. If you don't know the person you're having children with, maybe it's too early to have children with them.
@@annejae7058 It's easy to say that, innit. Except people can wait a long time to show their true colors, and it often happens after the baby is born.
@@annejae7058 people like that ex are manipulative so he probably pressured her to have kids. Or hell, judging by what OP described, I wouldnt put it past the ex to have raped her
@@annejae7058Abusive people will play the long game. Remember that.
@@dragonfly9821EXACTLY! They get you attached to them, reliant on them, they play mind games. Too many people fail to understand this
Not quite the a-hole but close. She needed emotional support and a friendly ear.
I just think it’s kinda fucked up it seems both parents don’t want to take care of the kids. One doesn’t want them and the other wants the other one to deal with the kids
@@Chadius_ThundercockWhat? One doesn't want them, the other wants the father to take in his side of the deal. Did hyou even watch the video?
@@youknowwhatelseisbig484 if I ever divorced my wife I’d want to have my kids over as long as possible, it’s just weird to me that there’s a parent who doesn’t feel that way about their kids
@@Chadius_Thundercock Yes, except sometimes that's not feasible. 1. the ex husband could've been caring (although we both know that OPs girlfriends ex wasn't). 2. The friend is onviously very stressed, is it so hard to want a break from the one thing thats causing so much stress? I mean if my homework is making me stress, I'd want some time away from it. Same thing here! Obviously not for a long time though, but gf needs a break and getting rid of the kids for a while could be the solution to that.
@@Chadius_Thundercock
Also although it’s not mentioned, consider she wants him to take the kids because the kids want it?
Imagine you are the primary parent and your kids are old enough to know their other parent. The children miss their other parent and don’t understand why they aren’t coming to see them like they said.
Now the primary parent is not only alone in taking care of the kids, the kids are also dealing with strong emotions tied to abandonment & loss cause they don’t understand why the other parent doesn’t want to see them. And for many parents this would probably be upsetting to see their children feel that way and also frustrating because you have to deal with extra crying/upsetness you hopefully wouldn’t have to if the other parent kept up their end of the deal.
I feel she needs a lawyer & a therapist.
Boys tend to immediately skip the listening part/letting them vent part and tell them straight up 😅. Nta, but she wanted to be validated in her feelings instead of straight forward.
But how are we just expected to know if they are actually asking for a solution or if they just want to vent? Is there any way to tell? I would be interested to know if there is
@@Ryadovoy_Borodin95 percent of the time it's to vent, for sure at first...
Then you can add the advice....
@@user-jy8vk9tb2y Ok, but how do I differentiate? Or do I just have to guess?
@@Ryadovoy_Borodin ask...
I always tell my husband, now just listen to me, don't give advice...
Yea no as a woman she has to deal with it or explicitly communicate "This is a vent, not looking for advice".
why is she being blamed for the ex being an Ahole?
Because a lot of people here are A-holes, apparently 😕
Exactly he probably didn't show his true colors till there was little possibility of her leaving
Bc Op is a moron
I hate when people say “women need to choose better partners” and not “men need to be better partners”.
I hate it when spouses are referred to as partners....that's a business arrangement not a marriage and that is part of the problem.
Because advice only works in regards to where you have a choice. You don’t have a choice in changing the options. You have say in who you choose. And the affect of us women only choosing worthy men, is that men then start to realize what women require and begin to strive toward that.
He’s not a mind reader, if she just wanted to vent she should have said so.
@@amandaparenteau9288 Exactly!
@@amandaparenteau9288 oh you you think an appropriate response is, it’s your own fault for not knowing the future. Your parents obviously failed to teach you people skills, because that is never an appropriate response.
You being a jerk doesn't help, Im sure she didnt know what she was in for. No one starts a relationship looking to end it. Yup, that one looks nice and mental, I want that one.
NTA. BUT. She was pretty clearly seeking emotional validation and comfort. A chance to just vent about the issue...
It's not always easy to communicate these things in the moment, but I do think they need to have a conversation about how to let the other know if they're wanting solutions vs support
I dont understand how it was invalidating I mean its a clear cut statement that doesnt really target her
Tbh, @grey.123
I agree partly. It’s definitely something she may need to talk about. From my perspective as the child (now young adult) of a mom who has done this type of venting to me when I was a minor, there’s a fine line between needing to vent, or complain to someone, and doing it so often it emotionally weighs you down.
I definitely think OP’s s/o needs therapy. And I think that I can’t really judge on whether that’s fully invalidating for op to say, because I’ve had my mom say shit about my trauma saying that “I should be able to understand exactly how she feels” because her abuser is my father.
Like I hate my father too. That being said, it doesn’t excuse her not understanding my experience with divorced parents is completely different from her experience, where her parents were together until they both passed.
My mom’s experiences are valid. I think it’s just a matter of not dumping all of your emotions onto someone to the point where they feel shitty because of it. And that can and will happen to people.
I'd agree, but it also sounds like she's going to do this over and over again, until she gets a kick in the ass to get a lawyer. I'm unaware how often she vents, but I'm pissed if she hasn't gotten a lawyer. It's not fair to her kids to deal their dad acting like this, when mommy has a way to stop him. (Yes, dad's responsible for his own actions, but if she has a way to stop him, she needs to fricking take it)
@@finlockheart8763He literally said it was her fault. The ex was abusive.
@@finlockheart8763it's victim blaming. Yes, she chose the guy, but chances are, the psycho was masking when they first met, as most psychopaths do, meaning he was hiding all the red flags with charm. Focusing of her mistake of marrying him, instead of his horrible behaviour is literally blaming the victim for being a victim instead of getting to the actual issue; the fact that there's a fucking psychopath torturing their prey.
It doesn't matter if the victim had made ill-informed choices, it doesn't help to focus on something that doesn't actually do anything but make the victim feel bad for being a victim. It's just adding to the negative energy.
I don't know why do many people are saying he's not the a-hole. You can have a-hole moments even if you had good intentions and are generally a good person. He was 100% an a-hole here, telling a lady who fell victim to a psychopath and is trying to vent about how she's being abused, that it was essentially her fault for making the decisions she made. Even if he doesn't believe she deserves it, what he is saying is only going to tell her that she did.
OP is the AH. Victim shaming is not the answer! I think she needs a therapist a lawyer and a new BF!
Yeah YTA. Next time just be on her side ffs. Wow did you screw up.
Lmao not his problem she opened her legs for someone psychotic.
She didn't want you to fix her problems or throw them in her face, she just wanted to vent her frustration to someone she thought cared about her.
Yah shes not stupid she knows there is no way out, just comfort and say "no babe if wont be forever, wanna come up with options? "
He’s the AH, you don’t always know someone’s intentions gf their rocker until it’s too late
Wow the ex sounds emotionally abusive and the new partner sounds unsupportive.
Poor girl is getting stuck with terrible boyfriend after terrible boyfriend. It’s not her fault that he’s acting like that and a lot of the time you don’t see the bad side of someone until you’re stuck in a stressful situation (having kids and the “IM A PARENT OH MY GOD” phase wears off)
She just wanted to express her feelings towards a situation she has no control over to the person she cares about.
@@Griffin050A1t She made her choices, unfortunately.
@@juliancain3872 I love choosing to end up with a manipulative partner or a partner that masks their issues. Gotta be my favourite decision.
@@Griffin050A1t Yet she stayed. And had multiple children with one, and stays with the other. At some point you have to stop blaming everyone else, and take responsibility for your actions unless you're under duress or unless it's your jobs you decide how people treat you by staying with them. That doesn't justify her ex's behavior, but at the end of the day that is the truth.
@@juliancain3872it's not easy to leave toxic and psychotic people.
its not like she went “yk what i should have kids with this horrible man so i can deal w it” she wants her boyfriends help. its not rly her fault.
EXACTLY
I get what OP is saying but yeah that bit wasn’t what a supportive boyfriend says. His actions to help her get it sorted out with a lawyer is much better though. It’s just that what he said is contradictory to his actions. 😅
Not a bad guy but a dumb guy. She is currently facing the reality and you shoved it in her face more. What she needed was love and support.
She could’ve said that she wanted support and not a solution
@@Munchkinnn.He didn't even give a solution, he just said it was her fault!
Ask yourself this question: did what you said help her in any way?
Complaining about the issue doesn’t help in anyway, dude was probably slightly agitated from hearing about the same issue everyday and said something harsher than usual
@@Chadius_Thundercockofc it does, being heard makes anyone feel better
@@orangejuice775 but doesn’t change anything about what you’re complaining about
@@Chadius_Thundercock she didn't ask for a solution from anyone. Wdym "but"
@@Chadius_ThundercockHe said it was her fault....what help is there in that?
i have a father who's very similar, and puts my mom through hell even though they're divorced. the thing is, my dad seemed like somebody else entirely until they got married and my mom stayed with him until he divorced because she didn't want to break up the family for the kids. she knows the reality, she's just frustrated and needs someone to listen. my mom does this a lot as well, so i'd listen to her and take action against the bio father.
Absolutely YTA. Don't expect her to start talking to you again any time soon. You just told her you're dismissive and unsupportive. How ignorant can you be?
That wasn't necessary. She didn't need to hear that
when my friends and i need to vent, we usually ask each other "do you want comfort or solutions right now?" and it's made such an improvement in our relationships with each other. this is why. the girlfriend just wanted to vent and op hit her with a harsh dose of reality. people aren't always asking for a solution, sometimes they just wanna get something off their chest before dealing with the situation at hand and they wanna be comforted or validated in their feelings.
She has to prove to the judge that he is delinquent on his days, so either he will step up, or lose out on seeing his kids.
They will eventually turn 18 and she has to deal with him until then , but not the rest of her life .
Edit: I am saying, she doesn't have to deal with the ex and visitation after the kids turn 18. Notice I said him. The kids are living with her, so she obviously will be in their lives forever.
Yes the rest of her life. When her kids start hitting milestones, there's going to be family gatherings.
So when your kid gets married you won’t be going? When they have a birthday party, or a dinner party? When they have a baby, when they do ANYTHING in life, you won’t be there because you don’t want to deal with your ex? Bad parent.
@@antithoughtpolice7497 did you read the whole thing properly or just started replying?
@@that_pan_chick8650 looks like you didn't read properly. The person is saying that she doesn't have to deal with the EX after the kids are 18 and visitation is no longer necessary.
YTA bud if you mentioned the kind of relationship they had prior as if she knew he had issues beforehand then not really but he could have been a manipulative , gaslighting, bad person that may have just baby trapped her so like ya know.
personally i’d just like to hear support there 😭 like “I’m so sorry you have to deal with that it sucks and it’s really not fair” I’m sure she already knows what u told her and she was just stressed abt it
I get mom needing emotional support, but i don't get how OP isn't seeing this an nonnegotiable red flag (it's probably his own red flag). She needs a lawyer or familial support to get her baby daddy's controlling behavior in check. Those kids shouldn't be deal with this.
Not "the asshole" but definitely not exactly understanding the situation, what was basically just done was blame her for the stress shes in (due to him) and tell her shit she would clearly already know. Doesn't really matter how "true" what was said is, it wasn't helpful and even as an outsider feels like blaming, imagine how she would have felt.
YTA The problem is manipulation, lovebombing ect. Because of this you really sometimes can't know who you are dating. A partner can change after some time, because the lovebombing phase is over. It wasn't really a choice in such a case, since you thought the mask is real.
Shit like the gf’s ex husband and OP’s actions make me so grateful my crazy ass dad’s not in my life and my mom never dated anyone else
In situations like this, I've found that it's actually really nice to ask your partner something like: "do you want a solution or to vent?" It's definitely helped circumvent a lot of these types of fights.
She was venting and you were acting as if it was clear her life was gonna turn out like this with her ex. YTA
Dismissing someone whose been through/ going through abuse is one of the worse things you could’ve done. The last thing she needed was to be told to “get over it” for dealing with an emotionally abusive asshole.
Yes and no. You admitted she is stressed and overworked. That meant she just wanted to be heard. Not to hear "the truth".
Why do I get a feeling of him having an undertone of " yeah well you should have waited to have kids until you met me, your loss and live with that choice "
Just needed to vent. All she needed was "I'm sorry you are going through this."
One of those moments maybe listening to the venting gf instead of trying to fix was needed not the a**hole though it was solid advice
She needs to track and keep a record of all the times he's skipped his days, and take him back to court for full custody.
Shes tired in need of a break and some loving support. Good luck to her and Op.
😂 I can feel the INFJ energy off this one. Brutal honesty in an effort to get the person to come to terms with reality so they will deal with the situation at hand. I do this all the time and then realize that maybe people don't just push through life and pain like I do.
don't blame it on pseudoscience. OP either doesn't have people skills or just wanted her to shut up.
@@juliameyer10313 what's your sign? I don't wanna really know, just if you thought my sign is so and so and thought of those characteristics please just let people live their lives. That pseudoscience helped me.
@@nikkip.Christ-is-King I'm glad that this helped you but you assigned a "personality Type" to a random YT Shorts, AI voiced Reddit post. Nobody was mentioning that BS until you dragged it in like some sort of Zodiac-Sign-Girly. If it helps you, great, try and keep it to yourself before wildly applying it to others
This MBTI pseudoscience is even cringier than zodiac signs
She just wanted you to listen!!! Just be quiet until shes done then say "you're right, you're ex sucks"
She wanted to vent, and you do know that some people can hide their flaws until they don’t need to anymore.
For future reference just ask if she wants advice, listening ear or hug. As an autistic person I used to always give advice but have learnt that it isn't what people always want.
Not the A hole at all, she may already know that, she may want to vent, but to be truthful, most women dont want others to point out that these kinds of things are actually their fault to a large extent.
She's going to go to someone else the next time she's looking empathy ...
she didnt want your opinion. she wanted you to listen. and you didnt.
She already knows that. She wasn’t looking for you for an answer, she was looking for you for sympathy someone she could rant to, and someone that could just say “oh that sucks, I’m here for you if you need any help, maybe we can look at a lawyer to help?” Etc but instead you told her fact that she already knew which was not helping her situation at all, nor to give her any comfort or sympathy.
Yknow when you tell people the 'harsh truth' ask yourself two things
1. Does the person already know this(most of the times, yes.)
2. Will your words help in any way(most of the times, no.)
If you wanted to be 'realistically helpfull' you coulve given some ideas, maybe brainstormed with her on what to do, even if its as mundane as 'why dont you eat the chocolate in the pantry? Itll make you feel a bit better.' instead of pointing out the painfully obvious.
She wanted to vent bro. She didn’t want a solution.
Lol, this is why I need a therapist & not a significant other, getting that kind of response when im just trying to talk would make me furious.
This is why I preface my venting as such so the person I’m talking to understands that I’m not looking for an actual answer or solution.😊
Yta, you didnt even offer support you just shut her down.
Lol OP seems the type to remind the teacher about the hw
I’m sure she already knew that, plus no one goes into a relationship believing this would be the outcome, people are always amazing when you’re in love until they’re not any longer.
She obviously didn't realize things were going to turn out this way when they had kids, so saying she made the choice for things to be this way is not really true. You never know how someone may change after you get married and have kids. So yes what OP said was pretty insensitive
If she would now make the choice not to contact him she wouldn't be so stressed
except whats she gonna do with the kids? She's likely working and in a relationship, lots of stress, no help. This sounds a lot like victom blaming
Even ignoring the fact that she probably just wanted to vent, that was still an shitty response. Having an irresponsible ex who doesn’t do his part in looking after the kids isn’t on her, it’s on the ex.
Tell her to just text him on his days and if he doesn't come get them or come see them to report back with whatever custody lawyer she has. Then after a few months file for full custody and tell him to fuck off.
She already knows that, she didn't want practical assessments of things she already knows, she wanted a shouldee to cry on and for someone to be understanding and convince her it was gonna be ok. She already knows it sucks, she already knows she made a mistake having kids with him. What she doesn't know is if things are always gonna suck and if you have her back helping them not suck a little. I mean by your own assessment the ex is psychotic
NTA, but some times people just want to vent to destressed. Next time just listen and give her a hug.
take him back to court with audio from calls
I have yet to meet a girl that actually wants her problems fixed. Every girl I know just wants to complain about them, but offer advice and suggestions on how to fix it, and it ticks them off.
She asked a question, and he answered....??? If she wanted to vent she shouldve said "hey, can i vent"
Clearly she hasn’t figured out finding a good partner yet if she is with you.
If she already didn’t have a lawyer then yes go get one. Anyone can flip instantly and then your the one being inconvenienced
Oh, pkease. She KNOWS what her reality is. She was looking for affirmation & support, not constant lecturing.
And you seem focused more on how her challenges are affecting YOUR life than how she is feeling
NTA she chose him to be the seed giver 😂
You know abusers don't show their true colors until later? She likely thought he was a nice guy but then he turned out to be an ass.
ADVICE FOR MEN
If she doesn't say "what do you think? How can i fix this? What should i do?" Etc. Something that says im asking for your help, then SHE DOESNT WANT ADVICE. She doesnt want help, she just wants to vent and hear "yes dear you're absolutely right".
Advice can come later.
Yes let's just enable temper tantrums at the appearance of consequences and reality.
@@sorrenblitz805 i meant for sane women, not psychos duh
Most women just want to know 1) you're listening and 2) you support them
I mean, men need that too, it's just that the way to show it to them is different
My comment was so men don't waste their time and cause argumenta needlessly when all they had to do was "I'm sorry that happened, it sucks"
YTA she probably didn't know he was gonna turn out this way or she wouldn't have had children with him. Blaming her for his actions is a dick move
Not only was she just venting, but from someone who was a product of an abusive relationship, sometimes, they're pressured into having kids, told to just settle down and that all relationships are rocky, threatened by their partners to stay, scared to leave and tell themselves that they can just tough it out, etc.
It is her fault, but it also isnt. You also should have been far more kind and gentle.
NTA
Harsh yet truthful, she will have to deal with this until the children are grown, and probably beyond that if the children having cordial relationships with both parents and want joint events. How she handles it will decide how easy or hard that road is. As far as custody arrangements go, all she needs to do is show up at the neutral exchange location, if there is one, document that she was there for such&such amount of time, that she tried contacting the ex husband, text mss and a vm for a trail so he can’t dispute in court she didn’t contact him, then leave when he doesn’t respond or show. All she needs to do is uphold her side of that arrangement, not try to get her ex to be a responsible, present parent only to be verbally attacked each time. She is stressing herself unnecessarily. Then if it comes back to court she has evidence to back up ex’s lack of commitment and can get a better custody arrangement that benefits her children, herself and takes the pressure off. Also if the kids are of a good age to understand the situation, then their input would be beneficial in court for final decisions. It should not be up to one parent to nurture a relationship between the children and the parent who isn’t trying, it’ll only cause resentment in one or all relationships of the children.
YTA for implying that having children with a manipulative abusive asshole was a choice. Men, and women, don’t show themselves until after they got you shackled in any way that they can bc they think you can’t/won’t leave ie marriage, children, financial dependency/tie-ups, etc. if you know she’s over stressed and overworked don’t add on to it by practically saying “suck it up, you made your choice now deal with it.” A simple “honeycherrylemondrop I hear you, let’s take a breather then work on it together with a lawyer”
From OG post: despite being labeled the asshole (and called abusive??) OP and girlfriend talked and they’re doing good and looking up possible solutions in regards to child support (and probably further arrangements) 👏 👏
NTA
I think she just needed to vent and someone to listen to
If i were her I'd start taking meticulous notes and recordings of times he's refused to take the kids and exactly what he says if you try to make him sirens time with that, then take your happy little folder and go for full custody since he clearly doesn't want those kids. At this point it seems like he's only sticking around to have an excuse to verbally harass her regularly. And at least I'd she had full custody she wouldn't need to let someone like that be involved, save a copy of this folder for when your kids ask what happened so he can't lie about everything and put them against you when they're 18
NTA. My mom literally would tell me this shit as a child. But honestly, I can’t control who my parents were. That was on my parents.
So no, you aren’t. Life sucks, and people can be utter assholes, I’m not denying that. But it’s the type of thing that I feel needs to be talked about. Especially for this lady. What if she talks about it to her kids?
My brother and I have a lot of anxiety and while for me, it is partly due to genetics, it is also due to my mom saying shit like that to my face as a kid. And as an adult, her trauma dumping on me, and making me feel guilt even if that wasn’t her intention.
She told me about traumatic shit my father did to her, or almost did to her, and that made me feel guilt for having my father as my father, despite how I know logically, that I had zero control over who my parents are, as they made the choice to have me.
So yeah, OP, as a young adult who essentially lived as the child of this situation: (divorced parents for around 16~ years now), you aren’t the asshole.
If anything, I’d try to reach out to her later, and ask about getting therapy, even just going together for it. I wish my own mom tried to go to therapy still.
Nta, she 100% needs a reality check. All these people saying "she just wants to vent." Sure, that's needed sometimes. But if you constantly take out your stress on someone and trama dump on them for your own choice to have unprotected sex with someone, someone she KNEW was bad, thats not venting.
Like others are saying, NTA, but close. Also, we don't know the context exactly, but sometimes women or men can be forced to have children with an abusive, psycho, and/or manipulative ex. Considering what I am understanding, she could have been forced.
Just go back to court & yes you have to deal with it.
The amount of people saying he’s wrong are mind blowing. I mean come on he most likely left off the beginning of the phone call where she says “can I get your advice on this situation I’m in” and explicitly asked for advice which there’s none to be had “outside of learn to live with it? I mean I can call a lawyer but lord knows what good that will do if you haven’t been keeping records on this stuff.” So seriously woman need to start saying “can I just vent to you without you saying anything in return about this situation?” Like seriously guys for the most part are problem solvers, we like to help ladies fix their problems be we gay or straight for god sakes! Just don’t speak in code and you’d be surprised how easy it is to talk to us!
NTA. but next time maybe just hear her out while she is Actively Frustrated, and then bring the reality check up when you ask her about legal action later
Thanks man. I’m sure you telling her that will fix the problem. How was she supposed to know he’d be so difficult before having kids?
OP kind of just said “you made your bed, lie in it” when all their girlfriend likely wanted to hear was that they were understood and supported. The OP wasn’t wrong in what they said but possibly emotionally distant when their girlfriend was just looking for support, so although not technically the AH, definitely AH adjacent.
Bro I learned about the THiNK Test in elementary school. It has to be true, helpful, necessary and kind. It was true no doubt, but it wasn’t helpful, necessary or kind
Maybe she should take him to court. Idk how her co parenting situation is set up, but my partner needs to co parent and they and their ex do not get along. Due to this, their 9 year old child has a lawyer to mediate. If the ex father is refusing to have his time with their kids, why doesn't she take him to court? Sue him for custody and child support.
so what you do is get proof he isn't picking them up to get more custody
Intentions were good. But why do ppl feel the need to fix or lay down the reality of a situation or assign blame. It's not that hard to just sit and listen so someone feels better and feels heard, that's all she needed. To be heard and have support
Yta. Reminding a person that they did have a hand in getting here does not help and only makes a person feel more shitty for having fallen victim to a psycho. She wasn't looking for you to tell her she's just gotta cope, she was looking for some fucking empathy.
Who the hell sees their partner having to deal with a psychopath and says "well it waaas kinda your fault for being with him, so you just gotta deal with the consequences of your actions"
Even if that's not what he meant, it's how it comes across.
Not really the bad guy... but probably just annoyed her. She probably just wanted to vent and feel heard. The lawyer is a great idea though.
I wouldn't live with anyone who said they loved me to death.
That just means they’ll love you till they die
YTA. shes not gonna talk to u again.
NTA. Ive said stuff like that to my own mother, who is in a similar situation. You have to sleep in the bed you made.
People can be deceptive. I'm sure, when she had kids with that guy, she didn't think "I bet he'll turn out to be a complete monster and we'll split up and he'll make my life hell forever" or she wouldn't have had kids with him unless she's completely unhinged, which I assume OP doesn't think she is as he's in a relationship with her. She probably wanted to vent and feel safe and supported, not for someone to point out the fairly obvious fact that she didn't have to end up in this situation. Hindsight is 20/20 and, sure, now you can tell that her ex is horrible, but you're going to shame her and withhold sympathy because she fell in love with the wrong person? In that case, half the world deserves misery according to this guy. She made a mistake, she's dealing with the consequences. There's no rule that she's not allowed to be upset or hurt by it. Quite simply, OP has a lack of empathy towards her situation and just doesn't want to hear her complain. If you love someone, you care about things that upset them and want to help, not to make them the bad guy. I am glad, however, that he is prepared to help her deal with the situation, but I do suspect it's partially to show how good he is and so he doesn't have to deal with her complaining about it, especially if he's quite financially secure and doesn't have to struggle to help her pay for lawyers etc.
NTA but OP needs to learn how to read the room.
I think live with her choices is maybe not the right way to put it, the "you decided to have kids with an asshole" isnt always that simple, a lot of people have kids with what they thought it was a kind normal person, from first hand experience I've seen a lot of partners change and become bad people after having a kid, so sometimes it isnt as simple as "you should've thought about it first before having kids with a bad person"
I like how people keep saying "NTA" followed by a "but" which includes every way in which he most certainly was the asshole. Stating the obvious to your partner in a way that displays a lack of empathy for their pain is a fatass red flag if ever I heard of one. Categorically "YTA;" she was right for breaking contact and now *he* is going to have to "live with his decisions." Quite poetic.
Hope sis finally finds a good man (or that OP ends up growing into that man, because he most definitely ain't all the way there yet)
He's NTA, life isn't sugar coated and actions have consequences. Take accountability and bare the burden you constructed.
I love how when you read this comment section you can so easily tell who has and who hasn't been in/around an abusive relationship esh but the woman and kids