There needs to be a balance between picking people apart and blowing sunshine up their ass. The latter can actually be worse because that means you're living a lie and eventually it will end your relationship. You can't pretend everything is perfectly fine forever if it isn't.
@@pricklycats I think criticism as a single word is bad. Just straight up telling someone they have a flaw or they suck at something is just hurtful or at the very least ineffective, especially if that's supposed to be the person who sees you as their buddy and safe haven. What we need is constructive criticism
The culture of appreciation is sooooo important. I remember when I was living with my ex, he would come home and immediately point out all the chores I didn’t get done instead of praising me for what I did get done. My current partner is constantly saying reassuring words when I fail and uplifting me when I succeed, and it has definitely improved my mental health to have someone around me who focuses on the positive instead of the negative
@@Theendman42they’re not wrong. It might work for their lives. If i stay at home all day and don’t work, you best believe I’m going to do an amazing job house keeping
Criticism = Gentle Startup - real feelings, calm, affection, humor Contempt = Building a culture of Appreciation - gratitude, expression Defensiveness = Take Responsibility - understanding, apologize, take constructive criticism Stonewalling = Self Soothing - comfort yourself, come back & explain, time & space to de escalate & cope
A great piece of advice I heard once for delivering criticism to another person: avoid using the word "you" if at all possible. It really helps to stop the other person seeing it as a personal attack and becoming defensive. e.g. You never do the dishes when it's your turn. becomes The dishes are never done even though we agreed we'd take turns.
to be honset your second example still sounds kinda harsh and ill willed. Maybe you could phrase it in a more encouraging way like she did in the video at the end.
As someone who has stonewalled before, and consciously so, there's another reason I can think of this is done. I started stonewalling when I noticed my partner doesn't reciprocate support for things that I am passionate about, and she was actually talking in a degrading tone when I brought those things up. Knowing how she reacts to that I stopped bringing it up. In part because I was very passionate about the subject and spent a lot of time practicing activities related to that I just had little else to talk to her about. And in equal part I was doing it to not expose myself to negative energy regarding that topic. Imagine being passionate about something and sharing with your partner but they say "that's trash". Imagine that happening 50-60 times, what would that do to your psyche and your pursuit of that passion? I still struggle to pick up my last project that I brought up to her, because of the memories of her reaction.
Damn I know it's hard to see the light when you're in love but as soon as someone purposely makes you feel bad about your interests then that's how you know it's never gonna work out. My girlfriend and I have very different interests but we're both pretty introverted so it really works for us. We have certain things we do together but also have designated "alone time" for certain portions of the day.
We sort of have like sections of our lives that are separate. It's hard to explain but it works for us. Sometimes just being in the same room while doing separate activities is enough.
Don't worry, you're gonna be fine. I have been emotionally scarred for 6 years and just now I feel ready for a relationship, for meeting new people, etc... It's gonna be fine, I promise you. A big hug to you
There are many people out there you can love, like many rather than one soulmate. At least that's been my experience. Other worthwhile people are worth searching for if you care, but it can be nice to be alone too if you need to heal
@@muscularclassrepresentativ5663 that universal truth, while not readily apparent, is the only thing that keeps me open to the idea of another try for love in this lifetime
I remember watching that video back then (I was in a relationship) and not thinking anything of it and just taking notes but now I realize that I was guilty to some point of all the "traits" it's funny how sometimes you don't realize your own flaws Anyway love your videos and thank you for educating me ❤️
Same. My marriage is so important to me and although my husband was really immature early in our relationship, i also had to develop and work on myself to handle problems and interactions better. I am guilty or ALL of these things, perhaps not chronically or to a marriage-killing degree, but it's so important try and keep them in mind and work on them. I try and be grateful every day and that seems to mitigate nearly everything else.
Now I understand why I lost that one friend. Every time I tried to communicate what made me uncomfortable instead of admitting what she did wrong she would deny what she did and it would piss me off. If there was something I did wrong she would tell me that with contempt and I would automatically get defensive. Of course, I could do better too but now I know how it is. I come from a chaotic household and never knew what healthy communication looked like, I'm learning little by little, and this video helped me to realise many things, thank you very much.❤
Stonewalling is my penetrable defense 💀 If I'm stonewalling, I've essentially given up & I'm probably "protecting" myself. But this is massively destructive in a relationship & I will improve myself!
my guess list: 1. Insecurity/groundless doubts. 2. Micromanaging. 3. Easily getting agressive/defensive and/or starting constant fight over little things. 4. Past (exes, past hookups, past fwb and all that)
1. Reason for criticism 2. Result of contempt 3. Yes 'defensiveness' 4. Not a behavioural pattern. Could be the reason for a sense of superiority though.
My partner and I always watch these types of videos when you make them! It really helps us communicate, show appreciation and value one another. Thank you!
Stone walling is my go to. It’s not me trying to punish anyone but any of the previous horsemens lead me to immediately stonewalling. It’s more like I’m processing or feel like there’s nothing more for me to say if the second party is set in their ways. It definitely would help if I communicated that I need time before jumping back into the argument/conversation. It’s just really hard when the other person doesn’t understand and would rather deal with it right then and there. Things are so much better when both parties get to cool off, being so aggressive like that is so toxic!! But I get me stonewalling is toxic too
thank god i found your channel. i am so in love with my boyfriend but i am kinda really traumatized by my past and didn’t really understand how deep the wound is till i met him. i feel so guilty for doing all these things to him while he gives me so much grace as i attempt to heal. your videos are amazing thank you so much! i’m excited to make notes and refer to them when i need help bringing down my wall and giving my love the grace he deserves!!!
I sort of do the stonewalling now.. after 13 years together. Sometimes it's out of completely giving up when the other person will not accept any constructive criticism, will not compromise, and will not try to work on the relationship because in their eyes, it's perfect (because I'm the one pulling the weight, it's just easy breezy for them)
Yeah are we just supposed to never be pissed when your partner does the same hardheaded nonsense? How am I supposed to respond to him being rude and making assumptions other than to leave and remind him I had a life before him and I can easily and quickly return to it
My girlfriend and I have had those problems but over time we've had really good conversations which have seemingly solved it for the most part. We've gotten over the getting defensive part and have 100% open communication without holding anything back. But each person has to be able to accept responsibility for what they do or it doesn't work.
Like if something is bothering one of us we try to bring it up as soon as possible to prevent building up resentment. When you keep everything inside it's only temporarily putting a bandaid on a bigger issue, which will eventually come out in a big outburst. We have like mini-arguments that aren't aggressive but very direct and to the point.
@@sweatergod5386 i could be wrong but i wanna say that, even though i totally get you, maybe the idea is to not respond to toxic behaviors with more toxic behaviors. why leave the room and try to evoke an emotional response that way when you can just communicate exactly what you feel? and if your partner does not respond or isn't willing to understand, and if at that point you genuinely need space because maybe you're upset, then you can leave and get space but at that point it wouldn't be stonewalling, it would be needing space
Such a good video 😂 I really like that you act genuine on camera and let your content be the star of the show. You have great things to teach us and I really appreciate it.
I love the skits 😂😂 I’m really glad this video came out. Been fighting with my partner for a while due to everything that was explained in the video. Him always coming into the room asking why I didn’t do this or that and me getting upset for how he came at me (the way he says it). Like damn not even a ‘hey babe I missed you’ just straight to ‘why didn’t you clean *insert whatever he wanted me to clean*’ while I’m literally standing there doin dishes. Bruh .
I remember the older video and at first I thought I was experiencing dejavú 😅 I really love the skits they’re such great examples! Thank you for revisiting this topic!
Hey I remember the OG video and I was searching for it a few days back and I didn't find it 😄 Glad you made a new version of it, this info is super crucial 😄
HAHA love the little gold nugget of role play at the end, surprised no one's commented on it yet. Love your videos, they're really informative and helpful, keep up the good work!❤
I love this new version! Especially the example with the couple. The pink hat really suits Bob 😁Wow, it's already been 3 years since I have discovered you!
this video made me reflect back to my past relationship, i noticed a lot of behaviors i myself did that i was flawed upon yet i realized also quite a lot of things i took great care upon. This made me feel a lot less guilty about my relationship ending i appreciate this video for making me notice some of these behaviors, love the video thank you!
Hi Ana! Been watching your videos for a long time and have greatly enjoyed them along with them helping me improve myself and my interpersonal relationships. Not sure if this topic is in the realm of videos you might be interested in producing, but I was wondering if you could make a video in regards to Post SSRI Sexual dysfunction. It's been recognized by the EMA, and it is a debilitating and life ruining condition that has affected thousands of people that all they wished to do was treat their mental health (including myself..). It seems there is a growing awareness of this condition given the number of PSSD subreddit members exponentially growing over the last 18 months. I really appreciate it!
Thinking about my last relationship, when things got bad I'd go quiet and automatically deal with it by self-soothing, would disconnect and go deep into my hobbies. I don't think that's entirely healthy though - I wish I'd just been more up-front and spoken to her straight away about what had hurt. But it was kind of because stuff takes time to process, and I didn't want to just fly off the handle and risk making things worse. So yeah, I think I'd say self-soothing isn't necessarily the antidote to stonewalling, but more that you should try to keep the lines of communication open. "I can see you're hurt, want to talk about what's up?". Urgh, god looking back that relationship was awful and I'm glad it's over. But at the time I didn't want to risk losing it.
i’m sorry but when you said you were 23 three years ago my jaw dropped. you have great skin!! also you are very well spoken. thank you for the informative video!
Hi Ana, I love your videos I was wondering if you can recommend some resources to learn more about psychology for someone who doesn't study psychology? It always fascinates me listening to people who study psychology, because I feel like they base all of their opinions and world views based on their studies. As someone who is studying management, this is something we don't learn in school but can be very useful
How would you approach criticism when it's your partner causing the issue? Like not doing a chore, forgetting something, etc. I could say "it makes me feel like I am not being heard or thought of when you forget to take out the trash after I ask you to, it would really make me feel heard and thought of if you did that without me asking". I feel like that sounds condescending
Why do you think it sounds condescending? :) I personally would respond much better to something like that instead of "you never take out the trash on time" but ultimately everyone has different personal and cultural communication preferences.
That sounds like you're stating facts. And in my mind that is just clear communication. If you didn't communicate that verbally, your partner could within their right claim that they didn't know what you where thinking and feeling. But I totally get what you mean. It feels condescending. But that's because you're saying something that to you is pretty obvious. Like telling someone that the reason they are cold is because they don't have clothes on. But if they still complain about being cold after you've explained why several times in a grown up way, without that bringing changes in behaviour, then even the most condescending baby talk and spoon feeding the message might be needed. (Though not necessarily the best course of action)
"It makes me feel like I am not being heard or thought of" isn't a feeling. That's what you're thinking. What emotion do you feel? Examples could be: let down, disappointed, etc. Check out the wheel of emotions if you're having trouble (which is totally normal)! It would help paint a picture to say both what you're thinking and feeling. And you could say that if they start following through it would make you feel really happy/build trust/etc. So they can be motivated to do good. Hopefully whoever you need to talk to will hear you out. I hope it goes well!
I think it's a good template/place to start til you figure out your own voice, but the clinical flavor...I dunno it's like dealing with someone in HR. Super off putting.
Your videos resonate with me in all the right ways :) This is a bit unrelated to this video but I’d love to hear about your psychological perspective on spirituality and/or witchcraft. I know those can be very personal and this is more of a peer-reviewed research channel, but I am curious how you connect the 2 realms of mind and spirit. I am also Romanian and am looking to connect more with my Romanian ancestry, (since I grew up in the US) -so I’d love to know if you have any recommendations for books/movies/Romanian content creators who could help me connect more to my culture! I am a bit disconnected with that side of my family but I really want to delve into Romanian witchcraft traditions, so I thought I’d ask :) I love you and this channel so much🖤
Hi Ana, I've just come across your videos on my youtube homepage I think your videos are much better if compared to other videos which circles around the topic of relationship and psychology because your videos are based on real studies and not to mention that you are a psychologist. It would be really great if you could this same type of content in podcasts so some of your audience could still enjoy your content while we are doing other things such as work or study. Have a nice day 😄
You totally made me realize I have a Bombay. We’ve had him for 8 years, too! He wandered into our backyard as a tiny kitten one night during a rain storm, our Siberian Husky found him and started barking, if you know Huskies, they only bark if they see something. He checks all the boxes! Very interesting.
The 👩🏻❤️💋👩🏻👩🏻❤️💋👩🏻👩🏻❤️💋👩🏻 at the end of the video was so sweet. I’ve just came to understanding that I watch your videos from the very beginning🥰 You’ve grown so much! And now I’m 23😅
I'm gonna say criticism is my go to. I'm dating someone right now, and I am having an extremely difficult time navigating. I think I'm so afraid of being hurt again that it's easier to criticize and find ways out. Every time this guy does something I do not like or that I see as a red flag, I immediately question him as an entire person. I have a hard time recognizing a behavior as a single event. For example, if he said or did something that hurt my feelings, it's easier for me to justify breaking up with him than bringing it up. Thank God for my therapist. I really want to give this a true chance.
Can you make a video on panic attacks? It would be nice to have a guide on what causes them amd how to manage them, also how to support a friend who has them. I've done some reading about them but I would trust your research a lot more than my own lol
Thankyou for more useful information. By the way, I think I have a Bombay Cat as well. She has a beautiful solid black coat and yellow eyes. But, she is shy and doesn’t like to be petted.
I had poor boundaries and my ex took advantage. I was dealing with difficult medical issues and the stuff in this video began to happen on his end. I’m glad I let that ship sink. Honestly, if someone is willing to devalue you over things you can’t help, they are a garbage partner and you will be happier without them. I was extremely depressed and a few weeks out after breakup things just started to get better and better for me. Looking back, what disgusts me the most was we had a conversation once about how a friend of a friend of his had k*led herself, and how sad that was. But when I started having s*icidal thoughts, he didn’t say or do anything. Except that it was too upsetting to hear. I say this because a person like this is too WEAK to help you in a life threatening situation. Weak and self centered. I am insecure and I was a people pleaser. That left me vulnerable to being used. I recommend that even if you don’t think highly of yourself, still have boundaries because just being too forgiving and grateful to someone like my ex made him feel comfortable devaluing and mistreating me.
As someone with the tendency to people please I understand why you stayed in that relationship and happy that you left. We need to respect ourselves and love ourselves first and that’s why I can’t even think of dating now
Being forgiving and grateful are two positive qualities, that are in scarcity these days. The problem isn't you. Had you been with a healthy individual, those very qualities you see as flaws, would have caused him to cherish you. Congratulations on breaking free, best to you now and in the future.
Thanks! My partner has a psychology background and a high level of emotional intelligence/ intelligence with relationships. And these videos help me be more on that level.
My boyfriend is that kind of person you described where he enter the room and everyone knows he appreciate life. Me, on the other side, I'm the opposite. I really hate this side of my character, and I'm sad that I often find myself criticising him, even if sometimes I do it in my head. It's really hard to change a core part of you. Do you have any tips on how to do that?
You have to have self control over those bad behaviors and change. Its easy to stY stuck in your ways but its hard to change. My girlfriend is a little similar but she is more so a negative Nancy and its very draining. Do your best to change. Especially if you truly value your partner.
@@spooky_kitty901 Yeah, with my therapist I want to start working on the gratitude issue, until now we had to work on other stuff, but I really feel that I should work on being more grateful of him and of pretty everything honestly
@@producedbyvino1066 I am kind of a negative Nancy too honestly, I try my best to be more positive or at least not dump my negativity on him. Thank you for your answer I'm really trying my best
Leading by example is something that can be difficult to do but it's also very good and necessary. If I want to nurture a certain behavior in a certain environment, I behave in that way consistently, every day, all the time. I don't tell people that I'm doing it, but I let them learn through observation. Eventually through imitation they have a chance to adopt the new behavior. I say chance because that's all it is - a chance. There's no guarantee, and not everyone will change their behavior. If I truly need someone to understand how important a behavior is to me, and I don't see them adjusting to me in any capacity (by adopting the same behavior or adjusting otherwise), I will eventually tell them my way of doing things. Only if then, after a few attempts at explaining, they still refuse to adjust in any way, do I have a right to be upset at them. I can't just tell people that I need them to adjust and leave it at that, because that alone is not enough. The same thing is true with unwanted behaviors. I cannot be a hypocrite about any types of behavior. Everything I do in front of others can be observed and so it can be imitated and adopted.
I’ve been with my partner for almost 9 years as a 24 year old and I must say, I was expecting an over-analytical Video with way too many rules and regulations. I was pleasantly surprised with this very well thought out, and executed explanation.
It’s interesting that you mention how this can apply to any type of relationship, because when I hear your four antidotes, I think of people I’d call “friendly”. Literally like a friend, and it makes sense because all of my very long term friends have demonstrated these qualities one way or another
Ex and I ended the relationship 5 years ago, going through CBT and therapists helped a lot. Watches Ana's video → Checks yes on all 4 relationship killers. *Damn, I really suck as a boyfriend* Edit: Yo Ana, do you have a subreddit lol
![NOSFERATU - Official Teaser Trailer [HD] - Only In Theaters December 25](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/b59rxDB_JRg/mqdefault.jpg)
Just leaving this as a reminder for myself
1. Criticisms
2. Contempt
3. Defence
4. Stonewalling
There needs to be a balance between picking people apart and blowing sunshine up their ass. The latter can actually be worse because that means you're living a lie and eventually it will end your relationship. You can't pretend everything is perfectly fine forever if it isn't.
@@pricklycats this is scary, this is very accurate to what im going through. whats your advice moving forward.
@@pricklycatswell said
@@pricklycats I think criticism as a single word is bad. Just straight up telling someone they have a flaw or they suck at something is just hurtful or at the very least ineffective, especially if that's supposed to be the person who sees you as their buddy and safe haven. What we need is constructive criticism
These behaviors are present in Malignant Narcisissm.
The culture of appreciation is sooooo important. I remember when I was living with my ex, he would come home and immediately point out all the chores I didn’t get done instead of praising me for what I did get done. My current partner is constantly saying reassuring words when I fail and uplifting me when I succeed, and it has definitely improved my mental health to have someone around me who focuses on the positive instead of the negative
why would u move in with a boyfriend 💀
Sounds like u didn’t do a good job.
The two up above comments showcase the criticism part of the four horsemen, lmao.
@@Theendman42they’re not wrong. It might work for their lives.
If i stay at home all day and don’t work, you best believe I’m going to do an amazing job house keeping
You mentioned failing house chores.
How so?
Criticism = Gentle Startup - real feelings, calm, affection, humor
Contempt = Building a culture of Appreciation - gratitude, expression
Defensiveness = Take Responsibility - understanding, apologize, take constructive criticism
Stonewalling = Self Soothing - comfort yourself, come back & explain, time & space to de escalate & cope
A great piece of advice I heard once for delivering criticism to another person: avoid using the word "you" if at all possible. It really helps to stop the other person seeing it as a personal attack and becoming defensive.
e.g.
You never do the dishes when it's your turn.
becomes
The dishes are never done even though we agreed we'd take turns.
"Never" and "always" shouldn't be used either.
This is a big one
@@HumanLandslide True because if they did do the dishes every once in a while they would take the word "Never" personally.
Just wast your own dam dishes when you use then
to be honset your second example still sounds kinda harsh and ill willed. Maybe you could phrase it in a more encouraging way like she did in the video at the end.
As someone who has stonewalled before, and consciously so, there's another reason I can think of this is done. I started stonewalling when I noticed my partner doesn't reciprocate support for things that I am passionate about, and she was actually talking in a degrading tone when I brought those things up. Knowing how she reacts to that I stopped bringing it up. In part because I was very passionate about the subject and spent a lot of time practicing activities related to that I just had little else to talk to her about. And in equal part I was doing it to not expose myself to negative energy regarding that topic. Imagine being passionate about something and sharing with your partner but they say "that's trash". Imagine that happening 50-60 times, what would that do to your psyche and your pursuit of that passion? I still struggle to pick up my last project that I brought up to her, because of the memories of her reaction.
Damn I know it's hard to see the light when you're in love but as soon as someone purposely makes you feel bad about your interests then that's how you know it's never gonna work out. My girlfriend and I have very different interests but we're both pretty introverted so it really works for us. We have certain things we do together but also have designated "alone time" for certain portions of the day.
We sort of have like sections of our lives that are separate. It's hard to explain but it works for us. Sometimes just being in the same room while doing separate activities is enough.
u should break up with her that doesn’t sound healthy
I legit had the same thing happen to me, word for word. I really don't want to have something I enjoy being soured like that. I'm no longer with her.
Good point. You are degrading yourself and your preferences when you share it to a person that trash it.
I got stuck at situationship and was never even able to see what could’ve been. Almost 4 years later and I’m still feeling emotionally scarred.
Don't worry, you're gonna be fine. I have been emotionally scarred for 6 years and just now I feel ready for a relationship, for meeting new people, etc... It's gonna be fine, I promise you. A big hug to you
Love to see the support. It's true, you will be okay. I made it through 2 abusive marriages myself and am totally thriving. You got this! ❤
There are many people out there you can love, like many rather than one soulmate. At least that's been my experience. Other worthwhile people are worth searching for if you care, but it can be nice to be alone too if you need to heal
@@Alinda1308 thanks, time heals all wounds, but life's many complex things sure do stifle progress.
@@muscularclassrepresentativ5663 that universal truth, while not readily apparent, is the only thing that keeps me open to the idea of another try for love in this lifetime
I remember watching that video back then (I was in a relationship) and not thinking anything of it and just taking notes but now I realize that I was guilty to some point of all the "traits" it's funny how sometimes you don't realize your own flaws
Anyway love your videos and thank you for educating me ❤️
Love the self-awareness growth journey!
Indeed, it’s not a predictable outcome, it’s often difficult to realize one’s own flaws and mistakes.
Same. My marriage is so important to me and although my husband was really immature early in our relationship, i also had to develop and work on myself to handle problems and interactions better. I am guilty or ALL of these things, perhaps not chronically or to a marriage-killing degree, but it's so important try and keep them in mind and work on them. I try and be grateful every day and that seems to mitigate nearly everything else.
Gottman's book, 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work, is our go-to wedding present. It's so illuminating.
Now I understand why I lost that one friend. Every time I tried to communicate what made me uncomfortable instead of admitting what she did wrong she would deny what she did and it would piss me off. If there was something I did wrong she would tell me that with contempt and I would automatically get defensive. Of course, I could do better too but now I know how it is. I come from a chaotic household and never knew what healthy communication looked like, I'm learning little by little, and this video helped me to realise many things, thank you very much.❤
Stonewalling is my penetrable defense 💀 If I'm stonewalling, I've essentially given up & I'm probably "protecting" myself. But this is massively destructive in a relationship & I will improve myself!
my guess list:
1. Insecurity/groundless doubts.
2. Micromanaging.
3. Easily getting agressive/defensive and/or starting constant fight over little things.
4. Past (exes, past hookups, past fwb and all that)
1. Reason for criticism
2. Result of contempt
3. Yes 'defensiveness'
4. Not a behavioural pattern. Could be the reason for a sense of superiority though.
My partner and I always watch these types of videos when you make them! It really helps us communicate, show appreciation and value one another. Thank you!
would love to have this type of open communication in my next relationship. so happy for u!
Stone walling is my go to. It’s not me trying to punish anyone but any of the previous horsemens lead me to immediately stonewalling. It’s more like I’m processing or feel like there’s nothing more for me to say if the second party is set in their ways. It definitely would help if I communicated that I need time before jumping back into the argument/conversation. It’s just really hard when the other person doesn’t understand and would rather deal with it right then and there. Things are so much better when both parties get to cool off, being so aggressive like that is so toxic!! But I get me stonewalling is toxic too
Wow awesome self reflection
Be humble, be kind, be slow to anger and quick to forgive
Stonewalling, defensiveness, contempt, resentment
cheeeter oumpkin eeter
pumpkin chomper
@@rickthebrick200 bruh it was a guess. I got one wrong. The last one is criticism not resentment.
@@shanikakelly7643 good guess
thank god i found your channel. i am so in love with my boyfriend but i am kinda really traumatized by my past and didn’t really understand how deep the wound is till i met him. i feel so guilty for doing all these things to him while he gives me so much grace as i attempt to heal. your videos are amazing thank you so much! i’m excited to make notes and refer to them when i need help bringing down my wall and giving my love the grace he deserves!!!
shit had some recoil
I sort of do the stonewalling now.. after 13 years together. Sometimes it's out of completely giving up when the other person will not accept any constructive criticism, will not compromise, and will not try to work on the relationship because in their eyes, it's perfect (because I'm the one pulling the weight, it's just easy breezy for them)
Yeah are we just supposed to never be pissed when your partner does the same hardheaded nonsense? How am I supposed to respond to him being rude and making assumptions other than to leave and remind him I had a life before him and I can easily and quickly return to it
My girlfriend and I have had those problems but over time we've had really good conversations which have seemingly solved it for the most part. We've gotten over the getting defensive part and have 100% open communication without holding anything back. But each person has to be able to accept responsibility for what they do or it doesn't work.
Like if something is bothering one of us we try to bring it up as soon as possible to prevent building up resentment. When you keep everything inside it's only temporarily putting a bandaid on a bigger issue, which will eventually come out in a big outburst. We have like mini-arguments that aren't aggressive but very direct and to the point.
I stonewall and learned this as a defense mechanism in childhood
@@sweatergod5386 i could be wrong but i wanna say that, even though i totally get you, maybe the idea is to not respond to toxic behaviors with more toxic behaviors. why leave the room and try to evoke an emotional response that way when you can just communicate exactly what you feel? and if your partner does not respond or isn't willing to understand, and if at that point you genuinely need space because maybe you're upset, then you can leave and get space but at that point it wouldn't be stonewalling, it would be needing space
This is remarkably practical and concise. Well done.
Such a good video 😂 I really like that you act genuine on camera and let your content be the star of the show. You have great things to teach us and I really appreciate it.
Thank you Ana for this helpful conversation!
Its amazing the amount of information you give for free, thanks !
Very insightful and very well produced!! Thank you Ana!!!!
Thanks for the videos, they have been very calming to watch during my exams ♥️
I love the skits 😂😂 I’m really glad this video came out. Been fighting with my partner for a while due to everything that was explained in the video. Him always coming into the room asking why I didn’t do this or that and me getting upset for how he came at me (the way he says it). Like damn not even a ‘hey babe I missed you’ just straight to ‘why didn’t you clean *insert whatever he wanted me to clean*’ while I’m literally standing there doin dishes. Bruh .
I remember the older video and at first I thought I was experiencing dejavú 😅 I really love the skits they’re such great examples! Thank you for revisiting this topic!
Appreciate the update!
That example was very insightful, appreciate the information Ana. Thank you, keep it up!
Hey I remember the OG video and I was searching for it a few days back and I didn't find it 😄 Glad you made a new version of it, this info is super crucial 😄
"You know what, you just might be" made me lol 😂
HAHA love the little gold nugget of role play at the end, surprised no one's commented on it yet. Love your videos, they're really informative and helpful, keep up the good work!❤
The skits made me laugh and thanks for the knowledge that you continue to share.
I love this new version! Especially the example with the couple. The pink hat really suits Bob 😁Wow, it's already been 3 years since I have discovered you!
Big fan of your montage skills ! Love the dynamism of it all. Not to mention the content, of course. ❤
Love this video. When I find myself in a relationship years from now, I’ll come back to this bookmark :D
listening to this and thinking about breakups and friendships lost is a little painful but good for me thankyou
this video made me reflect back to my past relationship, i noticed a lot of behaviors i myself did that i was flawed upon yet i realized also quite a lot of things i took great care upon. This made me feel a lot less guilty about my relationship ending i appreciate this video for making me notice some of these behaviors, love the video thank you!
My psychologist just told me about the four horsemen of the apocalypse but she did not go into details on that. Thanks for the video!
I thought it was the new Xmen
Love your little enactments 😂 adds a lot to the video! Keep it up!
Hi Ana! Been watching your videos for a long time and have greatly enjoyed them along with them helping me improve myself and my interpersonal relationships. Not sure if this topic is in the realm of videos you might be interested in producing, but I was wondering if you could make a video in regards to Post SSRI Sexual dysfunction. It's been recognized by the EMA, and it is a debilitating and life ruining condition that has affected thousands of people that all they wished to do was treat their mental health (including myself..). It seems there is a growing awareness of this condition given the number of PSSD subreddit members exponentially growing over the last 18 months. I really appreciate it!
Great video! Def improved on the previous one. The ending was hilarious. 4 thumbs up
Someone better give you a goddamn academy award for your performance as Bob.
I loved your video, you are every time getting better, congrats
Loved the last bit lol Great video 👍
Your information is sooo helpful!
Love the skit idea. Helps me understand the concepts better
bookmarking this - thanks!
Thinking about my last relationship, when things got bad I'd go quiet and automatically deal with it by self-soothing, would disconnect and go deep into my hobbies. I don't think that's entirely healthy though - I wish I'd just been more up-front and spoken to her straight away about what had hurt. But it was kind of because stuff takes time to process, and I didn't want to just fly off the handle and risk making things worse. So yeah, I think I'd say self-soothing isn't necessarily the antidote to stonewalling, but more that you should try to keep the lines of communication open. "I can see you're hurt, want to talk about what's up?". Urgh, god looking back that relationship was awful and I'm glad it's over. But at the time I didn't want to risk losing it.
The last clip of them kissing is so funny 😂 So helpful as always!
Thank God for your channel
Thank you so much 🖤💛
I love the new small "skits" recreating the situations you're talking about lol
i’m sorry but when you said you were 23 three years ago my jaw dropped. you have great skin!! also you are very well spoken. thank you for the informative video!
Hi Ana, I love your videos
I was wondering if you can recommend some resources to learn more about psychology for someone who doesn't study psychology?
It always fascinates me listening to people who study psychology, because I feel like they base all of their opinions and world views based on their studies.
As someone who is studying management, this is something we don't learn in school but can be very useful
How would you approach criticism when it's your partner causing the issue? Like not doing a chore, forgetting something, etc. I could say "it makes me feel like I am not being heard or thought of when you forget to take out the trash after I ask you to, it would really make me feel heard and thought of if you did that without me asking". I feel like that sounds condescending
Why do you think it sounds condescending? :) I personally would respond much better to something like that instead of "you never take out the trash on time" but ultimately everyone has different personal and cultural communication preferences.
That sounds like you're stating facts. And in my mind that is just clear communication.
If you didn't communicate that verbally, your partner could within their right claim that they didn't know what you where thinking and feeling.
But I totally get what you mean. It feels condescending. But that's because you're saying something that to you is pretty obvious.
Like telling someone that the reason they are cold is because they don't have clothes on.
But if they still complain about being cold after you've explained why several times in a grown up way, without that bringing changes in behaviour, then even the most condescending baby talk and spoon feeding the message might be needed. (Though not necessarily the best course of action)
"It makes me feel like I am not being heard or thought of" isn't a feeling. That's what you're thinking. What emotion do you feel? Examples could be: let down, disappointed, etc. Check out the wheel of emotions if you're having trouble (which is totally normal)! It would help paint a picture to say both what you're thinking and feeling. And you could say that if they start following through it would make you feel really happy/build trust/etc. So they can be motivated to do good. Hopefully whoever you need to talk to will hear you out. I hope it goes well!
I think it's a good template/place to start til you figure out your own voice, but the clinical flavor...I dunno it's like dealing with someone in HR. Super off putting.
Hey Ana I love the videos. Keep up the good work!
Omg your edits had me dying, especially the kissing at the end hahahah
Same! The skits were helpful and entertaining 😂
Helpful Great video thanks Dr Anna
That skit was everything ana lmaoo
you always come at the right time, ily
Your videos resonate with me in all the right ways :) This is a bit unrelated to this video but I’d love to hear about your psychological perspective on spirituality and/or witchcraft. I know those can be very personal and this is more of a peer-reviewed research channel, but I am curious how you connect the 2 realms of mind and spirit. I am also Romanian and am looking to connect more with my Romanian ancestry, (since I grew up in the US) -so I’d love to know if you have any recommendations for books/movies/Romanian content creators who could help me connect more to my culture! I am a bit disconnected with that side of my family but I really want to delve into Romanian witchcraft traditions, so I thought I’d ask :) I love you and this channel so much🖤
Hi Ana, I've just come across your videos on my youtube homepage I think your videos are much better if compared to other videos which circles around the topic of relationship and psychology because your videos are based on real studies and not to mention that you are a psychologist. It would be really great if you could this same type of content in podcasts so some of your audience could still enjoy your content while we are doing other things such as work or study.
Have a nice day 😄
That was a good video! haha. Keep it up, it helps a lot
You totally made me realize I have a Bombay. We’ve had him for 8 years, too!
He wandered into our backyard as a tiny kitten one night during a rain storm, our Siberian Husky found him and started barking, if you know Huskies, they only bark if they see something.
He checks all the boxes!
Very interesting.
I love bob’s hat! Keep up the great work
love u ana!!! could you please consider making a video abt survivor guilt and coping with it?
Noted!
@@AnaPsychology thank u, u r the best
The 👩🏻❤️💋👩🏻👩🏻❤️💋👩🏻👩🏻❤️💋👩🏻 at the end of the video was so sweet. I’ve just came to understanding that I watch your videos from the very beginning🥰 You’ve grown so much! And now I’m 23😅
thank you, Ana
I'm gonna say criticism is my go to. I'm dating someone right now, and I am having an extremely difficult time navigating. I think I'm so afraid of being hurt again that it's easier to criticize and find ways out. Every time this guy does something I do not like or that I see as a red flag, I immediately question him as an entire person. I have a hard time recognizing a behavior as a single event. For example, if he said or did something that hurt my feelings, it's easier for me to justify breaking up with him than bringing it up. Thank God for my therapist. I really want to give this a true chance.
My ex wife criticized, I stonewalled and we were both defensive.
Now I’m trying to unlearn my bad behaviors and look for good ones in others.
Amazing content (and acting 😁) as always
Needed... Good contents... Congrats...
Can you make a video on panic attacks? It would be nice to have a guide on what causes them amd how to manage them, also how to support a friend who has them. I've done some reading about them but I would trust your research a lot more than my own lol
this is a cool idea
A+ demonstration
Superb content keep em coming sister. 🌻
Alright. Next time I need to end a relationship I'll make sure to keep these four steps in mind. Thanks for the tips!
Love the role play, even the cat had his part :D
amazing skits aha but love this format !!
Thankyou for more useful information.
By the way, I think I have a Bombay Cat as well. She has a beautiful solid black coat and yellow eyes. But, she is shy and doesn’t like to be petted.
Those sketches are just 👌 chef's kiss
Not content related: your make-up here is 🔥🔥🔥🔥 Eyes and eyebrows are on point!
My guesses are criticism, rejection, dissatisfaction, and avoidance
The kissing in the end was definitely comedic genius 🤣
"Kids lemme tell you about the time when a youtube video was the reason for your brother." 😂
This is a great video! It pointed out some things I can do better, and the ending was funny
Great video.
I had poor boundaries and my ex took advantage. I was dealing with difficult medical issues and the stuff in this video began to happen on his end. I’m glad I let that ship sink.
Honestly, if someone is willing to devalue you over things you can’t help, they are a garbage partner and you will be happier without them. I was extremely depressed and a few weeks out after breakup things just started to get better and better for me.
Looking back, what disgusts me the most was we had a conversation once about how a friend of a friend of his had k*led herself, and how sad that was. But when I started having s*icidal thoughts, he didn’t say or do anything. Except that it was too upsetting to hear. I say this because a person like this is too WEAK to help you in a life threatening situation. Weak and self centered.
I am insecure and I was a people pleaser. That left me vulnerable to being used. I recommend that even if you don’t think highly of yourself, still have boundaries because just being too forgiving and grateful to someone like my ex made him feel comfortable devaluing and mistreating me.
As someone with the tendency to people please I understand why you stayed in that relationship and happy that you left. We need to respect ourselves and love ourselves first and that’s why I can’t even think of dating now
Being forgiving and grateful are two positive qualities, that are in scarcity these days. The problem isn't you. Had you been with a healthy individual, those very qualities you see as flaws, would have caused him to cherish you.
Congratulations on breaking free, best to you now and in the future.
Yeah even good people will you use if you don't have your boundaries u push them to use u I swear to god it's not even their mistake
Good examples
Thanks! My partner has a psychology background and a high level of emotional intelligence/ intelligence with relationships. And these videos help me be more on that level.
My boyfriend is that kind of person you described where he enter the room and everyone knows he appreciate life. Me, on the other side, I'm the opposite. I really hate this side of my character, and I'm sad that I often find myself criticising him, even if sometimes I do it in my head.
It's really hard to change a core part of you.
Do you have any tips on how to do that?
gratitude, gratitude journaling, meditation, positive speaking
You have to have self control over those bad behaviors and change.
Its easy to stY stuck in your ways but its hard to change.
My girlfriend is a little similar but she is more so a negative Nancy and its very draining.
Do your best to change. Especially if you truly value your partner.
@@spooky_kitty901 Yeah, with my therapist I want to start working on the gratitude issue, until now we had to work on other stuff, but I really feel that I should work on being more grateful of him and of pretty everything honestly
@@producedbyvino1066 I am kind of a negative Nancy too honestly, I try my best to be more positive or at least not dump my negativity on him. Thank you for your answer
I'm really trying my best
Leading by example is something that can be difficult to do but it's also very good and necessary. If I want to nurture a certain behavior in a certain environment, I behave in that way consistently, every day, all the time. I don't tell people that I'm doing it, but I let them learn through observation. Eventually through imitation they have a chance to adopt the new behavior.
I say chance because that's all it is - a chance. There's no guarantee, and not everyone will change their behavior.
If I truly need someone to understand how important a behavior is to me, and I don't see them adjusting to me in any capacity (by adopting the same behavior or adjusting otherwise), I will eventually tell them my way of doing things. Only if then, after a few attempts at explaining, they still refuse to adjust in any way, do I have a right to be upset at them.
I can't just tell people that I need them to adjust and leave it at that, because that alone is not enough.
The same thing is true with unwanted behaviors. I cannot be a hypocrite about any types of behavior. Everything I do in front of others can be observed and so it can be imitated and adopted.
It sucks when they say you're controlling if you said your example about the co worker
At the start of this video my guesses are:
1. Loss of respect
2. Neglect
3. Individual (single) mindset rather than team mindset
4. Lack of compromise
I agree with these as well
Very explanatory, much appreciated, if you didn't do the skits it would have been so much harder to imagine it how to act in some situations :)
Just so you know everyone, this topic doesn't just include couples. It also goes for your family and siblings as well.
I’ve been with my partner for almost 9 years as a 24 year old and I must say, I was expecting an over-analytical Video with way too many rules and regulations. I was pleasantly surprised with this very well thought out, and executed explanation.
It’s interesting that you mention how this can apply to any type of relationship, because when I hear your four antidotes, I think of people I’d call “friendly”. Literally like a friend, and it makes sense because all of my very long term friends have demonstrated these qualities one way or another
Ex and I ended the relationship 5 years ago, going through CBT and therapists helped a lot.
Watches Ana's video → Checks yes on all 4 relationship killers.
*Damn, I really suck as a boyfriend*
Edit: Yo Ana, do you have a subreddit lol
Self awareness is the first step! Many dont even realize their mistakes
@@STRcircaFKR thanks! I think I'm doing better, I've been treating my friends better lately too!
At the very least you got taking responsibility checked off now. I think that's an incredibly valuable thing.
that little skit was perfect to explain the four points 🤚
4:04 God tier example!
Great examples! The skits lmao