What if you have complex PTSD because you abuse so bad and you listen, but you might forget parts of the conversation. I noticed people that I did get really mad about that.???
When I met my first boyfriend at 19 years old online, and flew out to see him 8 months later, one of the first things he said was that my suitcase "smelled like poor people" and his mother laughed. This hurt me but I thought I was being too sensitive. Then I heard him whispering in the other room to his mom about how he hates how I dress. I convinced myself that I must have misheard him since he tells me that he loves how I dress. After two years, it turned to physical abuse. I stayed for 5 years. People, do NOT make my mistake. If they put you down like that, it is only going to get worse.
As a man, I'm so damn sorry for this shitty experience you've made :(! I hope this toxic, narcissistic man will never be happy again in his life! If I were your brother I would've cracked his eggs! Nobody deserves this! Keep smiling! You're an awesome woman!
YES! I love differentiating 'normal' and 'common'. Do people say and do harmful things? Constantly. Is it acceptable as 'the norm', therefore normal? No.
@@bananbanan6520 normal is normal.. their is nothing wrong with the word normal .. you looking rather for the word flourish.. it is something to be normal and have a normal body or to be flourishing
Snapping is one thing that I cannot stand. When another person snaps at another person out of impatience...this is a sign of disrespect. I never snap at other people because I know how it feels and I hate it.
I agree that snapping is harmful, however I don’t agree that it’s an intentional form of disrespect. Sometimes people get overstimulated or struggle with impulse control. Neither of those are excuses for the behavior, but it is not always 100% in the control of the snapper
@@Milkyfave I understand. I guess what I was talking about is chronic verbal abuse. I can take being snapped at...but being repeatedly snapped at from the same person over and over again is definitely something that I have an issue with.
💯. I have ptsd and some days I am angry and irritable as hell... inside. But I still treat others with respect and courtesy because that's something that I need to contend with and no one else should be mistreated for that.
@@kenjieugeneventura9056I also have one. It took a lot of work, but the snapping is minimal/rarely ever happens now. Really only in cases of extreme overstimulation, so I understand 🫶🏾
And it sucks a lot when it happens.... not interrested to have to gaher proof for a person to stop telling im overreacting when there's secrets on their side but claiming he never lied to me....not tried to steer me wrong....playing a game and hesitant to say isn't being honest......that's dishonesty....
I recently got out of a relationship because I had the feeling that I was being manipulated, I couldn't really put my finger on it and had to logically break down the conversations that were taking place. Your video confirmed to me that it was definitely the right decision, thank you very much and greetings from Germany
I come from an emotionally volatile household. Im the scapegoat of the family. My brother is the golden child. My mom is the ringleader of the chaos. My dad follows her lead and never takes my side. I've been the bad guy since i was ten years old. It has carried into my relationships. Friendships and romantic relationships. I pick fights with people to recreate what i experienced at home. I also pester people who dont want me but who keep me around for a good while until they leave while telling me i am insane. Its left me feeling even more like the villain that my family has told me that i am. Every one of these qualities has shown up in myself and in my relationships. Its a circular trauma and a painful emotional life that i cant break out of.
Scapegoat here too. I wrote a long message that erased 😢 Check out Dr. Ramani. Don't believe your own thoughts until you are able to shift your perspective and mindset. You've been brainwashed. Yes, you can break the cycle and I believe you will.
You can! But it will take sitting with the uncomfortable emotions lying beneath the surface when you feel yourself drawn towards these behaviors. The clinging, fight picking, etc. try meditating and placing your attention on your sensations in your body/emotions. When you approach one of those moments where you feel yourself pulled into a familiar behavior, pause and pay attention to how you feel. In time, it will get better. You don’t have to do anything with what you find when paying attention . You can even go ahead and continue with the behavior. The issue isn’t how your acting, the issue is that there is suffering underneath the behavior causing you harm that currently you’d rather avoid (subconsciously). And get a therapist. IFS, EMDR, somatic experiencing, emotionally focused therapy, are all good. Good luck, healing is possible
You are falling in the trap of the "Self fulfilling Prophecy". Search the term so you can understand. You can get out! You just need to pull the breaks and analyze your situation. I think you need to take some distance from your toxic family members too.
After watching this video, I'm almost sure that I have escaped an abusive relationship. Putting down, lies when my boundaries and needs were crossed/neglected, and feeling that I was in a unidirectional rs... Thanks for your videos
Thank you this really helps! I had a decent fiancé and he would never be able to work with me it was a lot of stubbornness and deflection. I had to end the engagement because it destroyed intimacy and it was a difficult choice. He still blames me for failure. Then the next relationship, I ended after 3 months, had all of these. He started with putting me down and it just got worse and then basically all of these so it’s a relief to hear that these are not normal and how they would lead to problems later. I made the right choice to leave them I’m still trying to heal from the gaslighting. I’m working on my red flag detector. I pray for the day I have a partner that wants to work together and build each other up.
It's complicated, but I think you should first take some distance and time to analyze yourself. Also analyze the friends that take advantage of you. Recognize their behavior so you can make new friends without that negative trait. Maybe you are someone who likes to help people, and that's awesome! But you need to measure how much you give. Good luck!
With all seriousness, these things are mostly about how we feel about ourselves. I used to be very insecure, controlling, demanding in my friendships because I wanted to feel loved, cared for. Didn't work. I got fed up and was done trying to get the validation from outside.. now my emotional state is much better and I understand myself.. healthy people, potential friends, people I actually admire are coming into my life slowly.. I really hope the situation will become better as I grow ❤ so yeah..that has been my experience
Thank you for differentiating about the lying!! I have often found people love to pearl clutch at even the mention that they too might lie and maybe even often. But it’s because they aren’t taking into account all of the reasons that you outlined here. Great little video. Many thanks Dr!
I appreciate the insight about people not reaching out. It prevents me from making a mistake. I have been the only one to make the first move, for the longest time. This is very much appreciated. Thank you.
Thank you for the important hints! I think we all were naive and maybe still are in some new situations for us, but videos like these remembers me on how valuable we're and how cruel some harmless looking people can be...
The segment about lying is really insightful because it emphasizes the deeper relationship dynamics in which the lie happened. Discovering an untruth is really just the start of a process by which you can understand the relationship better. And whether the outcome is forgiveness and acceptance, or a breakup, either way it’s an important thing not simply to react. It’s an opportunity to understand both people more deeply. I think some people might interpret this as a defense of lying, and in some cases it could be. But it’s equally how one can recognize a profound betrayal so you don’t stay with, or go back to, an ex who is abusive, as well as looking for unhealthy relationship habits in oneself so all future relationships going forward (intimate and otherwise) can be healthier.
Trying to fix the other person is also a bad way to go. In my case, I tried to fix my ex by constantly pushing the narrative that she needs to express herself right away rather than shutting down and avoiding me. It was really disrespectful of me, and the times I got better outcomes were the ones when I gave her space and told her I would be there for her.
The problem with my roommate is he minimizes by playing the victim about me bringing up my feelings and then he makes a loose effort to change one small thing that he said is his problem nothing about what i said so he can continue doing what hes doing. And then acts like everything is better. This is after me constantly bringing the issue up in small ways to show him.
Can you get out? Or kick him out? I know, it's very difficult sometimes, I know that all too well. But if there is the slightest chance of getting a new roommate/moving, take it. Because it won't get better. It's sad, but people like that test out, what they can get away with. That he changes minor things, only to keep you from cancelling this living arrangement, is called breadcrumming. The moment you carry on with the flatshare, he thinks: 'Great, she let's me dominate her - I got what I wanted!' No matter if it's conciously or unconciously; it's the same result for you - you feel like crap (there are covert ways to dominate people, unfortunately. Hard to detect sometimes). Why would he give that up? Stop talking to him about it, your're wasting your time (and he will always try to manipulate you, and drain your energy). Find a way out, if you can. Please try!
Can you do some videos geared towards people who do toxic behaviors? Like how people come around to those behaviors, how to process it, what might motivate it and how to stop? Like, there are tons of resources for victims and how to get away from toxic relationships. But once someone realizes they’re hurting people, what can they do to stop?
Heidi priebe has a good video about this, what if your the toxic one? (I think it was called). Good job for being honest and looking for more info. It takes work, but you can do this. Good luck becoming safe for yourself and others.
1: people who put you down （and you feel uncomfortable and the communication doesn't fix it) 2:they don’t put it effort.(one direction relationship) 3:They don’t listen . 4:stubbornness 5:lies
My ex did this to me and more it was emotionally abusive and inside something always felt off, I could never really have a real connection with him. Anyhow eventually my anxiety was a good thing as it helped me guided me to end things with him after years of abuse as a girl with abandonment issues I was the perfect target for him.
I feel this so much. My conscience is getting to me hardcore tonight. Even though I feel that I haven't done anything wrong action wise (maybe a little) I still made the conscience choice to cross a boundary. However, I wasn't expecting my then partner to completely push me away all together. I figured we'd talk about it, we'd open up. I could tell him I'm sorry, and we could address the underlying problem that was being ignored underneath. I realized I don't have that kind of relationship. My feelings and needs seriously go without matter. I realized I don't have a partner I can rely on. I should have known he'd make an example out of me. I never meant to hurt him but Ive been crying about the same issues for years and they never get addressed. I think this is the true definition of a karmic relationship. I know these problems didn't originate in me, but I've taken up some pretty heavy behaviors of his and mirroring them back for pleading sake. 😓
If you two are having the same issues just bounce fam. If it was going to get better you wouldn't be upset right now. Speaking from experience. Now I will say that boundaries should never be crossed by your partner or you. If your partner is unwilling to sit and talk with you after you have directly said that you want to talk then it's time to move on. I don't know you two personally but I do know that life is too short to settle. Take care of yourself.
A friend couple of mine had their 8th anniversary together at a restaurant. And she said to him: "what would you do if i would leave you now?". She didnt leave him afterwards, but the question itself was insane.
This is describing my husband and me. He never reaches out. He makes me feel unimportant, and literally just... Without meaning to. He says he cares about me but he is a 50 year old man who is too old to be on his phone
@@bfrizzx9167 Indeed! Or to just rediscover the pleasure of being independent and unmanipulated. Speaking from experience, being with someone who dismisses you is dehumanizing and isolating, and terribly lonely. That deep loneliness keeps us afraid of being on our own. But ironically, it is surprising how good it feels to get out from under that, and to form healthier relationships of any kind. So much less lonely. It’s a gradual shift that ends up being transformative.
I am a little hurt about not remembering as an example for "They don't listen to you", I genuinely care for my friends and I am always receptive but I am terrible with memory in general (if an appointment is not in my Google calendar, it does not exist to me; if my keys and watch are not next to my house door, I will leave them at home; I studied for, and have a job, where logical understanding is much more needed than memory; etc.), so yeah I'm pretty sure I'm the friend that from time to time asks "Sorry, can you remind me about that fact?"
Do you have health care so that you could get your thyroid and your vitamin and mineral levels checked, especially vitamins B6 & B12? And if all of those turn out to be normal, could you get a cognitive / neurological evaluation? I have terrible memory, and it apparently is a part of my ADHD. Knowing that there is a reason has helped my loved ones and me a lot, both with accepting reality and with figuring out management tactics.
You’re actually doing really well! Having a poor memory is not a flaw in itself* - you can still care about people with a poor memory. You can still care about people when you’re feeling scatterbrained. What you do not do is deny they’ve told you, or get hostile when they remind you. You are actively asking them about what you’ve forgotten. That’s a great sign that you are invested in them and care about them. (*Speaking from experience, my erratic memory causes me far more distress than it causes anyone else.😏)
If it does cause you enough frustration that you’d like to change it, I’d suggest joining an ADHD group online … That (ADHD) may not be the cause at all, but just lurking on a site where people discuss and commiserate their experiences may give you insight, and you can go from there.
I downloaded the paired app after hearing about them from one of your previous videos. And it really is a great tool. I feel so connected and close to my partner even though we’re in the middle of doing long distance.
Thank you, Dr. Ana. This was really helpful. Some things were validated, but I think we truly have open communication well enough to know we'll be able to work it out. I have a lot of doubts, but I'm also more confident than I ever have been. Honestly, at this point, with all the evidence I have, I just think it's a matter of time and fate.
whenever I hear you speak, I get a sense that I'm the villain in our relationship esp that part where you say my boyfriend just texted me then I'd be like what were you talking about? but my girlfriend really gets in my nerves especially when she pops out with conversations when I'm just really rooted in something yet mostly quiet when I'm free and I find that really strange. plus she calls me a narcissist especially after being obviously turning around a situation clearly to her favor. she enjoys talking badly about people and I'm almost never interested..when we met I explained to her that I love vegan diet then she laughs like who in the world doesn't eat eggs? then she'd buy a whole tray of them and we have to eat it. then the next time she'd be like, see you just pretend yet how about the days you eat meat without blinking. honestly I feel really bad sometimes but I love her and I want it to work. whenever I invite her to meditate with me she's never interested and scrolls tiktok mostly. I feel like she believes she knows a lot about me yet little about herself, since I don't really know how she takes care of herself other than basic eating work and sleep. we've been through intense arguments and I don't want to have them again
> when we met I explained to her that I love vegan diet then she laughs like who in the world doesn't eat eggs? then she'd buy a whole tray of them and we have to eat it. then the next time she'd be like, see you just pretend yet how about the days you eat meat without blinking This woman is an abuser. Carefully extract yourself. This is insidious behaviour meant to undermine you psychologically. She insulted you, she ignored your boundaries and then asserted herself as more of an expert on your feelings than you are. Disturbing stuff. This is exactly what I see survivors of narcissistic abuse describing they experienced. > plus she calls me a narcissist When someone accuses you of being a narcissist, but they don't leave, why is that? Is it because they're a masochist? A moron? Nope. If someone does this they are 100% a liar and a manipulator. The only explanation that makes sense is she knows you aren't but she wants to confuse you. Don't believe a word this woman says. She is out to unbalance you so you are easier to control. No healthy person accuses their partner of being a narcissist and then stays. It's not unusual for abusers to accuse everyone else of exactly what they are doing. > honestly I feel really bad sometimes but I love her and I want it to work Please investigate narcissistic abuse and trauma bonding, just to make sure.
fyi in the states it's illegal for employers to ask about your diagnosis or condition specifics they can be sued if they deny you the job by doing this.
Hey Dr. Ana! I just wanted to say that I REALLY appreciate you- your videos are always super enlightening and helpful, and you've helped me get enough fight back to sign myself up for therapy. I know there's a small chance you'll read this, but I had a question for you: if you haven't already, would you be interested in discussing what to do to try to repair a damaged relationship with one or both parents, especially if they're dealing with alcoholism? I used to have a great relationship with both of my parents until about 2020. I'm not a saint either, but I'm really worried that things have crossed the line of no return. So both of my parents drink a lot, daily. They always have, as far back as I can remember. But now their drinking is causing both my sister and I severe distress. They get unpredictable and it's like night and day. They pick fights and start arguments over the dumbest things, and sometimes they let some pretty hurtful stuff fly. It's like the safety has been removed from their temper. When they're drunk, they've called me worthless and made fun of me and a hundred other things. I used to try to mediate when they'd get into a scrap, but no matter how much I tried to maintain a cool head, it never helped, and I always just felt like there was nothing I could do. There's not a single area of my life that is unaffected. I'm fighting depression and my anxiety seems to be getting worse. My sister went away for school for the summer, and she gets back in December. I'm just worried that I might collapse if things don't improve, but I genuinely have no idea what to do. Anyway, thank you for all that you do! Many blessings upon your house!
I still think meditation never fails anyone.. It's difficult to face your parent head on especially if it's something you never did, like my family thinks I'm the devil ever since they learnt about my meditation, and I know my voice is totally cut on that matter. so i just mind on the positive and build where I can.. at night when meditation took all sleep from my eyes I'd rather just listen to music and read something or vibrate along with birds and crickets till morning. can't really complain you can only understand and forgive
*cough cough* My “friend” gaslit, manipulated, and guilt tripped me, and they thought that I was still under their control when they left the friend group *cough cough* I was happy, and didn’t care that they left *cough cough*
The British banter thing can be such a trap. It’s part of our culture that I love, and delight in with people I love… And sometimes British friends and family will note that if an outside observer heard or read this conversation they would think we hate each other, but some twinkle in our eyes or tone of voice or something expresses that we jest, and we bond through it. But… I spent 12 years in an abusive relationship, and his “jokes” that may appear like the others to an observer did express hatred. It’s hard to identify how they differed though, and therefore very hard to justify being hurt by them, in a situation like that. It’s even hard to imagine how a person could define boundaries - because it’s not “don’t say that to me”, it’s “don’t say that to me… When you mean it”, or something, and that’s not a viable standard to try to uphold. I find it really interesting.
If its about lying to avoid vulnerability thats another can of worms, I used to do this and I made a conscious effort to stop it. But be warned it wont be easy if you try with people who struggle to be emotionally available/are an avoidant. That answer really depends if youre willing to have enough patience and see if it shifts with time, more depends on the person if they want to actually grow too.
Is it normal to lose respect for your girlfriend if she continuously complains about minor things? I don't know what's normal, I haven't been in many relationships. I can't imagine someone complaining 75-80 percent of the time is normal. I feel like I need to take a day off from seeing her just to re-charge and get back in my good energy.
This sounds like my ex. His complaining didn't get better, and it was also kinda contagious. I didn't like who I was around him, and decided that was not how I wanted to grow any older.
@ronjaj.addams-ramstedt1023 yes! I find myself complaining and becoming pessimistic. Even feeling down and depressed. A day or two without her around my friends or even just alone makes me feel rejuvenated. I was hoping my good energy would rub off on her but it feel like that energy gets sucked out of me after a few hours of being around her. Sometimes even right when I see her. I wish that wasn't the case.
My sister expects me to be responsible for her emotional well-being, which is not healthy. Then she blames me for the rift when I take space or set a boundary.
No wonder my life can be a total mess often. I do some of these. Not listening and white lies about chores can be a defensive thing for me at least. It can be exhausting listening to someone lecture you about what you’ve done wrong all the time.
Can someone expand on the stubbornness point? I have always been a sort of set in my ways sort of person. I have made some progress in being less stubborn and allowing more flexibility/opennness but i know i need to continue the work here. This is something i really feel in my bones I’m making an effort to change. The feedback I get though from my girl tells me though that sometimes it’s the same experience and then at times signs of improvement.
I'm going through the similar same things She's on the road with her music career texting a Couple times a day. And when Im asking a Questions like We're they are at. No answers, or how's it going out there. I get ok !! How was your night? Okay!! It's like I'm in this Serious relationship alone. I will asked if we could get Some time having a heart filled Conversation please!! Will see were really busy with the Concert. It's like I have a the Love and Passion's and devotions to fill her heart and soul with But all the love and kindness and respect in a relationship goes On seen and no matter what I try to explain in a claiming why She just turns it around back at me no regards to my thoughts Or fillings at all. no apologizing ever it's my fault or problem
I really love your content, but I do have 1 ask of you… could you please slow down? I really want to absorb what you are saying, bc I really appreciate it, but you talk kind of fast, and I’m even an American…. Anyway, I really love your content and it is only bc I want to grasp what you are saying!!!! Thank you so much for what you do!!!❤👍
I don't think romantic love is real or special, and I think romantic relationships are a bad thing. I think humans should just stop being in romantic relationships. I feel like this world would be a much better place without romance than it is with it. Romance seems like an ugly thing. Many fathers and brothers are hoping that their daughters/sisters never date or get married and remain single for their whole life due to the dangers and risks of romantic relationships. The overprotective father/brother thing is proof that romantic relationships are a bad thing, and that this world would be a much better place without them. If someday that the human race ditches the concept of romance and romantic relationships, and got rid of stuff like dating and marriage, fathers/brothers would be happy about it since they wouldn't ever have to worry about their daughters/sisters ever dating if that ever happened. People (especially women) should avoid being in a romantic relationship and be single for life since romantic relationships are dangerous.
That’s respectfully illogical for the reason, it’s naturally a part of our life’s sphere to create a family, if so wishing to (or even if capable to* sometimes this possibility mismatches with someone’s values of family but then are struggling with fertility & its pains etc respectfully), aside, in certain cultures, it’s even a guaranteed way for certain wo/men to experience freedom and/or independent living. For it’s defined as maximum growth allegedly; others always perceive biases and/or beliefs. Etc. It’s a natural part of life. It’s simply a potential we all have, it just depends who favors using it or not (reproduction & life).
Though, the last sentence is un/fortunately a beautifully true reality. It matters to be wise, and pursue our own lives while we can, and in the right company. Admittedly, it’s also okay to break molds, and pursue certain values. In its own timing. It’s naturally a part of life, to socialize and/or connect.
@@StephanieRZ Most fathers don't want their daughters to have anything to do with boys outside of being friends. Many fathers won't allow their daughters to date when they are in high school or still living with them. It seems nearly all fathers and brothers don't ever want their daughters/sisters to ever be in a romantic relationship even when they are adults. Fathers and brothers know how dangerous romantic relationships are for women. It seems nearly all fathers and brothers hope that their daughter/sister never dates or get married and remain single for their whole life.
You can change. I believe you can change if you work at it. Use a notebook to jot things down if it’s a memory thing. Or at the start of a conversation ask if that person is really doing okay because they were on your mind. That’s what I do. It will help them know that you are creating space for them, that you love them and what they say is important to you.
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What if you have complex PTSD because you abuse so bad and you listen, but you might forget parts of the conversation. I noticed people that I did get really mad about that.???
When I met my first boyfriend at 19 years old online, and flew out to see him 8 months later, one of the first things he said was that my suitcase "smelled like poor people" and his mother laughed. This hurt me but I thought I was being too sensitive. Then I heard him whispering in the other room to his mom about how he hates how I dress. I convinced myself that I must have misheard him since he tells me that he loves how I dress. After two years, it turned to physical abuse. I stayed for 5 years. People, do NOT make my mistake. If they put you down like that, it is only going to get worse.
What a horrible guy, I’m glad you got out
@@Dylanfoxe? this has a lot to do with naivite
Sounds like you made a mama's boy very insecure. Good thing you got out. 🙏
They were trying to get a baby out of a naive young girl. You were about to be used as a surrogate that didn't know it for him and his mommy.
As a man, I'm so damn sorry for this shitty experience you've made :(! I hope this toxic, narcissistic man will never be happy again in his life! If I were your brother I would've cracked his eggs! Nobody deserves this! Keep smiling! You're an awesome woman!
YES! I love differentiating 'normal' and 'common'. Do people say and do harmful things? Constantly. Is it acceptable as 'the norm', therefore normal? No.
Normal is actually kinda ass if you think about it in this society
@@bananbanan6520 normal is normal.. their is nothing wrong with the word normal ..
you looking rather for the word flourish..
it is something to be normal and have a normal body or to be flourishing
@@soydansogukcesme470 fair
Snapping is one thing that I cannot stand. When another person snaps at another person out of impatience...this is a sign of disrespect. I never snap at other people because I know how it feels and I hate it.
I agree that snapping is harmful, however I don’t agree that it’s an intentional form of disrespect. Sometimes people get overstimulated or struggle with impulse control. Neither of those are excuses for the behavior, but it is not always 100% in the control of the snapper
@@Milkyfave I understand. I guess what I was talking about is chronic verbal abuse. I can take being snapped at...but being repeatedly snapped at from the same person over and over again is definitely something that I have an issue with.
💯. I have ptsd and some days I am angry and irritable as hell... inside. But I still treat others with respect and courtesy because that's something that I need to contend with and no one else should be mistreated for that.
@@MilkyfaveI have a impulse disorder and it's hard for me not to snap, but it gets better.
@@kenjieugeneventura9056I also have one. It took a lot of work, but the snapping is minimal/rarely ever happens now. Really only in cases of extreme overstimulation, so I understand 🫶🏾
I cut ties with the someone the first time they tried gaslighting behaviors on me.
They are testing to see if you are willing to join them in their delusional reality, if you’ll abandon your own inner world for theirs
Good! Because they will never change since they see you as the problem instead of their behavior being the problem.
And it sucks a lot when it happens.... not interrested to have to gaher proof for a person to stop telling im overreacting when there's secrets on their side but claiming he never lied to me....not tried to steer me wrong....playing a game and hesitant to say isn't being honest......that's dishonesty....
Hesitant to say the full truth....* im walking away..
I recently got out of a relationship because I had the feeling that I was being manipulated, I couldn't really put my finger on it and had to logically break down the conversations that were taking place. Your video confirmed to me that it was definitely the right decision, thank you very much and greetings from Germany
More power to you.
If they laugh at your pain.
😕🫂💗
I come from an emotionally volatile household. Im the scapegoat of the family. My brother is the golden child. My mom is the ringleader of the chaos. My dad follows her lead and never takes my side. I've been the bad guy since i was ten years old. It has carried into my relationships. Friendships and romantic relationships. I pick fights with people to recreate what i experienced at home. I also pester people who dont want me but who keep me around for a good while until they leave while telling me i am insane. Its left me feeling even more like the villain that my family has told me that i am. Every one of these qualities has shown up in myself and in my relationships. Its a circular trauma and a painful emotional life that i cant break out of.
Scapegoat here too. I wrote a long message that erased 😢
Check out Dr. Ramani. Don't believe your own thoughts until you are able to shift your perspective and mindset. You've been brainwashed. Yes, you can break the cycle and I believe you will.
You can! But it will take sitting with the uncomfortable emotions lying beneath the surface when you feel yourself drawn towards these behaviors. The clinging, fight picking, etc. try meditating and placing your attention on your sensations in your body/emotions. When you approach one of those moments where you feel yourself pulled into a familiar behavior, pause and pay attention to how you feel. In time, it will get better. You don’t have to do anything with what you find when paying attention . You can even go ahead and continue with the behavior. The issue isn’t how your acting, the issue is that there is suffering underneath the behavior causing you harm that currently you’d rather avoid (subconsciously). And get a therapist. IFS, EMDR, somatic experiencing, emotionally focused therapy, are all good. Good luck, healing is possible
@derekxiaoEvanescentBliss thanks very much. This was so kind of you to say
You are falling in the trap of the "Self fulfilling Prophecy". Search the term so you can understand. You can get out! You just need to pull the breaks and analyze your situation. I think you need to take some distance from your toxic family members too.
@@arkangelmerici1170no shit lol
After watching this video, I'm almost sure that I have escaped an abusive relationship. Putting down, lies when my boundaries and needs were crossed/neglected, and feeling that I was in a unidirectional rs... Thanks for your videos
Exactly the phrase I use so often when my friends put up with bad behaviour. It needs to be said bluntly!
Somewhere between low-effort to willfully misunderstanding you and providing you "gifts" that are offensive. These types of people are not for you.
Thank you this really helps! I had a decent fiancé and he would never be able to work with me it was a lot of stubbornness and deflection. I had to end the engagement because it destroyed intimacy and it was a difficult choice. He still blames me for failure. Then the next relationship, I ended after 3 months, had all of these. He started with putting me down and it just got worse and then basically all of these so it’s a relief to hear that these are not normal and how they would lead to problems later. I made the right choice to leave them I’m still trying to heal from the gaslighting. I’m working on my red flag detector. I pray for the day I have a partner that wants to work together and build each other up.
Pretty much all friendships I have live off my effort only. Any idea how to find friends who are not like this?
It's complicated, but I think you should first take some distance and time to analyze yourself. Also analyze the friends that take advantage of you. Recognize their behavior so you can make new friends without that negative trait. Maybe you are someone who likes to help people, and that's awesome! But you need to measure how much you give. Good luck!
they may see your kindness and take it for granted but it is your biggest strength, yeah maybe conserve that - pull back some energy maybe?
With all seriousness, these things are mostly about how we feel about ourselves. I used to be very insecure, controlling, demanding in my friendships because I wanted to feel loved, cared for. Didn't work. I got fed up and was done trying to get the validation from outside.. now my emotional state is much better and I understand myself.. healthy people, potential friends, people I actually admire are coming into my life slowly.. I really hope the situation will become better as I grow ❤ so yeah..that has been my experience
Thank you for differentiating about the lying!! I have often found people love to pearl clutch at even the mention that they too might lie and maybe even often. But it’s because they aren’t taking into account all of the reasons that you outlined here. Great little video. Many thanks Dr!
Thank you so much!! :)
I appreciate the insight about people not reaching out. It prevents me from making a mistake. I have been the only one to make the first move, for the longest time.
This is very much appreciated.
Thank you.
Thank you for the important hints! I think we all were naive and maybe still are in some new situations for us, but videos like these remembers me on how valuable we're and how cruel some harmless looking people can be...
The segment about lying is really insightful because it emphasizes the deeper relationship dynamics in which the lie happened. Discovering an untruth is really just the start of a process by which you can understand the relationship better. And whether the outcome is forgiveness and acceptance, or a breakup, either way it’s an important thing not simply to react. It’s an opportunity to understand both people more deeply.
I think some people might interpret this as a defense of lying, and in some cases it could be. But it’s equally how one can recognize a profound betrayal so you don’t stay with, or go back to, an ex who is abusive, as well as looking for unhealthy relationship habits in oneself so all future relationships going forward (intimate and otherwise) can be healthier.
I needed to hear this! thank you so much ❤
Trying to fix the other person is also a bad way to go. In my case, I tried to fix my ex by constantly pushing the narrative that she needs to express herself right away rather than shutting down and avoiding me.
It was really disrespectful of me, and the times I got better outcomes were the ones when I gave her space and told her I would be there for her.
The problem with my roommate is he minimizes by playing the victim about me bringing up my feelings and then he makes a loose effort to change one small thing that he said is his problem nothing about what i said so he can continue doing what hes doing. And then acts like everything is better. This is after me constantly bringing the issue up in small ways to show him.
Can you get out? Or kick him out? I know, it's very difficult sometimes, I know that all too well. But if there is the slightest chance of getting a new roommate/moving, take it.
Because it won't get better. It's sad, but people like that test out, what they can get away with. That he changes minor things, only to keep you from cancelling this living arrangement, is called breadcrumming. The moment you carry on with the flatshare, he thinks: 'Great, she let's me dominate her - I got what I wanted!'
No matter if it's conciously or unconciously; it's the same result for you - you feel like crap (there are covert ways to dominate people, unfortunately. Hard to detect sometimes).
Why would he give that up?
Stop talking to him about it, your're wasting your time (and he will always try to manipulate you, and drain your energy). Find a way out, if you can. Please try!
Can you do some videos geared towards people who do toxic behaviors? Like how people come around to those behaviors, how to process it, what might motivate it and how to stop? Like, there are tons of resources for victims and how to get away from toxic relationships. But once someone realizes they’re hurting people, what can they do to stop?
Heidi priebe has a good video about this, what if your the toxic one? (I think it was called).
Good job for being honest and looking for more info. It takes work, but you can do this. Good luck becoming safe for yourself and others.
Wake up queen dropped content 🎉
1: people who put you down
（and you feel uncomfortable and the communication doesn't fix it)
2:they don’t put it effort.(one direction relationship)
3:They don’t listen .
4:stubbornness
5:lies
You've just described my relationship with my mother..
My ex did this to me and more it was emotionally abusive and inside something always felt off, I could never really have a real connection with him. Anyhow eventually my anxiety was a good thing as it helped me guided me to end things with him after years of abuse as a girl with abandonment issues I was the perfect target for him.
I used to put up with alot of bs. Would rather be alone.
I feel this so much. My conscience is getting to me hardcore tonight. Even though I feel that I haven't done anything wrong action wise (maybe a little) I still made the conscience choice to cross a boundary. However, I wasn't expecting my then partner to completely push me away all together. I figured we'd talk about it, we'd open up. I could tell him I'm sorry, and we could address the underlying problem that was being ignored underneath. I realized I don't have that kind of relationship. My feelings and needs seriously go without matter. I realized I don't have a partner I can rely on. I should have known he'd make an example out of me. I never meant to hurt him but Ive been crying about the same issues for years and they never get addressed. I think this is the true definition of a karmic relationship. I know these problems didn't originate in me, but I've taken up some pretty heavy behaviors of his and mirroring them back for pleading sake. 😓
If you two are having the same issues just bounce fam. If it was going to get better you wouldn't be upset right now. Speaking from experience. Now I will say that boundaries should never be crossed by your partner or you. If your partner is unwilling to sit and talk with you after you have directly said that you want to talk then it's time to move on. I don't know you two personally but I do know that life is too short to settle. Take care of yourself.
Take care 😢❤
Watching this to help my friends when they get in relationships
A friend couple of mine had their 8th anniversary together at a restaurant. And she said to him: "what would you do if i would leave you now?". She didnt leave him afterwards, but the question itself was insane.
0:12 FROM THE 🖥️ TO THE 💍 TO THE 🖋️ TO THE 👑 ahh video 🗣️🗣️🗣️🔊🔊🔊
This is describing my husband and me. He never reaches out. He makes me feel unimportant, and literally just... Without meaning to.
He says he cares about me but he is a 50 year old man who is too old to be on his phone
You have plenty of time to find someone new❤
@@bfrizzx9167 Indeed! Or to just rediscover the pleasure of being independent and unmanipulated.
Speaking from experience, being with someone who dismisses you is dehumanizing and isolating, and terribly lonely. That deep loneliness keeps us afraid of being on our own. But ironically, it is surprising how good it feels to get out from under that, and to form healthier relationships of any kind. So much less lonely. It’s a gradual shift that ends up being transformative.
your hair looks amazing!
I am a little hurt about not remembering as an example for "They don't listen to you", I genuinely care for my friends and I am always receptive but I am terrible with memory in general (if an appointment is not in my Google calendar, it does not exist to me; if my keys and watch are not next to my house door, I will leave them at home; I studied for, and have a job, where logical understanding is much more needed than memory; etc.), so yeah I'm pretty sure I'm the friend that from time to time asks "Sorry, can you remind me about that fact?"
Do you have health care so that you could get your thyroid and your vitamin and mineral levels checked, especially vitamins B6 & B12? And if all of those turn out to be normal, could you get a cognitive / neurological evaluation?
I have terrible memory, and it apparently is a part of my ADHD. Knowing that there is a reason has helped my loved ones and me a lot, both with accepting reality and with figuring out management tactics.
maybe go see a doctor?
You’re actually doing really well! Having a poor memory is not a flaw in itself* - you can still care about people with a poor memory. You can still care about people when you’re feeling scatterbrained.
What you do not do is deny they’ve told you, or get hostile when they remind you. You are actively asking them about what you’ve forgotten. That’s a great sign that you are invested in them and care about them.
(*Speaking from experience, my erratic memory causes me far more distress than it causes anyone else.😏)
If it does cause you enough frustration that you’d like to change it, I’d suggest joining an ADHD group online … That (ADHD) may not be the cause at all, but just lurking on a site where people discuss and commiserate their experiences may give you insight, and you can go from there.
I downloaded the paired app after hearing about them from one of your previous videos. And it really is a great tool. I feel so connected and close to my partner even though we’re in the middle of doing long distance.
Thank you, Dr. Ana. This was really helpful. Some things were validated, but I think we truly have open communication well enough to know we'll be able to work it out. I have a lot of doubts, but I'm also more confident than I ever have been. Honestly, at this point, with all the evidence I have, I just think it's a matter of time and fate.
0:13 I'M IN THE THICK OF IT AND EVERYBODY KNOWS
😭😭😭
😭😭😭
😭😭😭
whenever I hear you speak, I get a sense that I'm the villain in our relationship esp that part where you say my boyfriend just texted me then I'd be like what were you talking about? but my girlfriend really gets in my nerves especially when she pops out with conversations when I'm just really rooted in something yet mostly quiet when I'm free and I find that really strange. plus she calls me a narcissist especially after being obviously turning around a situation clearly to her favor. she enjoys talking badly about people and I'm almost never interested..when we met I explained to her that I love vegan diet then she laughs like who in the world doesn't eat eggs? then she'd buy a whole tray of them and we have to eat it. then the next time she'd be like, see you just pretend yet how about the days you eat meat without blinking. honestly I feel really bad sometimes but I love her and I want it to work. whenever I invite her to meditate with me she's never interested and scrolls tiktok mostly. I feel like she believes she knows a lot about me yet little about herself, since I don't really know how she takes care of herself other than basic eating work and sleep. we've been through intense arguments and I don't want to have them again
That's quite a lot. Ngl this sounds like something that's bound to end. From what I've read, it almost feels like you just hate each other.
That’s terrible 😅 Stay occupied and start tidbitting out of it, as best you can.
> when we met I explained to her that I love vegan diet then she laughs like who in the world doesn't eat eggs? then she'd buy a whole tray of them and we have to eat it. then the next time she'd be like, see you just pretend yet how about the days you eat meat without blinking
This woman is an abuser. Carefully extract yourself. This is insidious behaviour meant to undermine you psychologically. She insulted you, she ignored your boundaries and then asserted herself as more of an expert on your feelings than you are. Disturbing stuff. This is exactly what I see survivors of narcissistic abuse describing they experienced.
> plus she calls me a narcissist
When someone accuses you of being a narcissist, but they don't leave, why is that? Is it because they're a masochist? A moron? Nope. If someone does this they are 100% a liar and a manipulator. The only explanation that makes sense is she knows you aren't but she wants to confuse you. Don't believe a word this woman says. She is out to unbalance you so you are easier to control. No healthy person accuses their partner of being a narcissist and then stays.
It's not unusual for abusers to accuse everyone else of exactly what they are doing.
> honestly I feel really bad sometimes but I love her and I want it to work
Please investigate narcissistic abuse and trauma bonding, just to make sure.
fyi in the states it's illegal for employers to ask about your diagnosis or condition specifics they can be sued if they deny you the job by doing this.
Hey Dr. Ana! I just wanted to say that I REALLY appreciate you- your videos are always super enlightening and helpful, and you've helped me get enough fight back to sign myself up for therapy.
I know there's a small chance you'll read this, but I had a question for you: if you haven't already, would you be interested in discussing what to do to try to repair a damaged relationship with one or both parents, especially if they're dealing with alcoholism?
I used to have a great relationship with both of my parents until about 2020. I'm not a saint either, but I'm really worried that things have crossed the line of no return.
So both of my parents drink a lot, daily. They always have, as far back as I can remember. But now their drinking is causing both my sister and I severe distress. They get unpredictable and it's like night and day. They pick fights and start arguments over the dumbest things, and sometimes they let some pretty hurtful stuff fly. It's like the safety has been removed from their temper. When they're drunk, they've called me worthless and made fun of me and a hundred other things.
I used to try to mediate when they'd get into a scrap, but no matter how much I tried to maintain a cool head, it never helped, and I always just felt like there was nothing I could do. There's not a single area of my life that is unaffected. I'm fighting depression and my anxiety seems to be getting worse.
My sister went away for school for the summer, and she gets back in December. I'm just worried that I might collapse if things don't improve, but I genuinely have no idea what to do.
Anyway, thank you for all that you do! Many blessings upon your house!
I still think meditation never fails anyone.. It's difficult to face your parent head on especially if it's something you never did, like my family thinks I'm the devil ever since they learnt about my meditation, and I know my voice is totally cut on that matter. so i just mind on the positive and build where I can.. at night when meditation took all sleep from my eyes I'd rather just listen to music and read something or vibrate along with birds and crickets till morning. can't really complain you can only understand and forgive
*cough cough*
My “friend” gaslit, manipulated, and guilt tripped me, and they thought that I was still under their control when they left the friend group
*cough cough*
I was happy, and didn’t care that they left
*cough cough*
You should get that cough looked at.
The British banter thing can be such a trap. It’s part of our culture that I love, and delight in with people I love… And sometimes British friends and family will note that if an outside observer heard or read this conversation they would think we hate each other, but some twinkle in our eyes or tone of voice or something expresses that we jest, and we bond through it. But… I spent 12 years in an abusive relationship, and his “jokes” that may appear like the others to an observer did express hatred. It’s hard to identify how they differed though, and therefore very hard to justify being hurt by them, in a situation like that. It’s even hard to imagine how a person could define boundaries - because it’s not “don’t say that to me”, it’s “don’t say that to me… When you mean it”, or something, and that’s not a viable standard to try to uphold. I find it really interesting.
0:12 KSI REFERENCE 🗣️💯🗣️🔥🗣️💯
Actually burst out laughing, I’m so cooked
LMFAO
EVERYBODY KNOWS 🗣️🗣️🗣️🔥🔥🔥
0:13 FROM THE SCREEN TO THE RING TO THE PEN TO THE KING
My partner lies about things that makes him feel vulnerable. You did not mentioned that kind at the end so I do not know what to make of it.
If its about lying to avoid vulnerability thats another can of worms, I used to do this and I made a conscious effort to stop it. But be warned it wont be easy if you try with people who struggle to be emotionally available/are an avoidant. That answer really depends if youre willing to have enough patience and see if it shifts with time, more depends on the person if they want to actually grow too.
@@gatorssbmDefinitely agree with this. It’s different when it’s an avoidant and/or neurodivergent. 😅❤️
Is it normal to lose respect for your girlfriend if she continuously complains about minor things? I don't know what's normal, I haven't been in many relationships. I can't imagine someone complaining 75-80 percent of the time is normal. I feel like I need to take a day off from seeing her just to re-charge and get back in my good energy.
This sounds like my ex. His complaining didn't get better, and it was also kinda contagious. I didn't like who I was around him, and decided that was not how I wanted to grow any older.
@ronjaj.addams-ramstedt1023 yes! I find myself complaining and becoming pessimistic. Even feeling down and depressed. A day or two without her around my friends or even just alone makes me feel rejuvenated. I was hoping my good energy would rub off on her but it feel like that energy gets sucked out of me after a few hours of being around her. Sometimes even right when I see her. I wish that wasn't the case.
damn, have gone through all of em, they are kinda obvious, but its nice to hear from another besides myself.
💚
This is very helpful. Thank you!
My sister expects me to be responsible for her emotional well-being, which is not healthy. Then she blames me for the rift when I take space or set a boundary.
I really, _really_ needed to hear this. Thank you!
Great video - this is so important!
if someone gives you the silent treatment when you ask (respectfully) to discuss an issue, they're a huge red flag (and probably psychotic). Run.
My lady I'm I'm going to join your child but some of that stuff little bit over my head but I love what you're doing. Keep it up
Im really guilty of the lack of continuity
6:30 asilow shaidulli one again DESTROYED
7:55 perfectly mr volo
I love your content ❤
@AnaPsycology please make a video on healing from an emotionally abusive relationship with all of the above
No wonder my life can be a total mess often. I do some of these. Not listening and white lies about chores can be a defensive thing for me at least. It can be exhausting listening to someone lecture you about what you’ve done wrong all the time.
Anna thank you
Does this also apply to parent-child relationships?
She said it does, to all relations.
Excellent video 🙏
thank you
Omg this is my parent's marriage
Wasted two years of my life with a person like this so angry
Can someone expand on the stubbornness point? I have always been a sort of set in my ways sort of person. I have made some progress in being less stubborn and allowing more flexibility/opennness but i know i need to continue the work here. This is something i really feel in my bones I’m making an effort to change. The feedback I get though from my girl tells me though that sometimes it’s the same experience and then at times signs of improvement.
This might be an unusual request, but can you make a video on lucid dreaming?
I'm going through the similar same things
She's on the road with her music career texting a
Couple times a day. And when Im asking a Questions like
We're they are at. No answers, or how's it going out there.
I get ok !! How was your night? Okay!! It's like I'm in this
Serious relationship alone. I will asked if we could get
Some time having a heart filled Conversation please!!
Will see were really busy with the Concert. It's like I have a the
Love and Passion's and devotions to fill her heart and soul with
But all the love and kindness and respect in a relationship goes
On seen and no matter what I try to explain in a claiming why
She just turns it around back at me no regards to my thoughts
Or fillings at all. no apologizing ever it's my fault or problem
What’s the deal with that new journal in the intro?👀
It’s coming soon😉 make sure you’re subscribed to the newsletter! www.dranayudin.com
Oh to date an avoidant who does all this....
Would love to see if she’s done videos on this topic with attachment styles 🤯✨
All of my gfs did all of those things to me
Really uncomfortable when these characteristics describe one's actual parents -- or an entire incoming government entity
Te juro que estoy enamoradisimo de esta chica, si me hablara algun dia solo podría balbucear y cagarme encima.
I really love your content, but I do have 1 ask of you… could you please slow down? I really want to absorb what you are saying, bc I really appreciate it, but you talk kind of fast, and I’m even an American….
Anyway, I really love your content and it is only bc I want to grasp what you are saying!!!!
Thank you so much for what you do!!!❤👍
Rock'n'Roll!
Oh god... Not looking forward to watching this one... I know I fucked up bad in my last relationship(s)
If you see your behaviors you can grow from them. Thats the way to go.
That's the first step! Kudos to you for being self-aware❤
8:49 *vais Are you Canadian or sum?
No she's Romanian
5:13
for 7 years, guys lmao fuck my life
See a therapist bro
Imagine getting ignored because your talking about your ex smh.
❤
:yt:
Do people…. really not understand these?? Do you not just run the second you see someone display these traits???
I don't think romantic love is real or special, and I think romantic relationships are a bad thing. I think humans should just stop being in romantic relationships. I feel like this world would be a much better place without romance than it is with it. Romance seems like an ugly thing.
Many fathers and brothers are hoping that their daughters/sisters never date or get married and remain single for their whole life due to the dangers and risks of romantic relationships.
The overprotective father/brother thing is proof that romantic relationships are a bad thing, and that this world would be a much better place without them. If someday that the human race ditches the concept of romance and romantic relationships, and got rid of stuff like dating and marriage, fathers/brothers would be happy about it since they wouldn't ever have to worry about their daughters/sisters ever dating if that ever happened.
People (especially women) should avoid being in a romantic relationship and be single for life since romantic relationships are dangerous.
That was fascinating to read!
@@seizuregirlllll How come?
That’s respectfully illogical for the reason, it’s naturally a part of our life’s sphere to create a family, if so wishing to (or even if capable to* sometimes this possibility mismatches with someone’s values of family but then are struggling with fertility & its pains etc respectfully), aside, in certain cultures, it’s even a guaranteed way for certain wo/men to experience freedom and/or independent living. For it’s defined as maximum growth allegedly; others always perceive biases and/or beliefs. Etc. It’s a natural part of life. It’s simply a potential we all have, it just depends who favors using it or not (reproduction & life).
Though, the last sentence is un/fortunately a beautifully true reality. It matters to be wise, and pursue our own lives while we can, and in the right company. Admittedly, it’s also okay to break molds, and pursue certain values. In its own timing. It’s naturally a part of life, to socialize and/or connect.
@@StephanieRZ Most fathers don't want their daughters to have anything to do with boys outside of being friends. Many fathers won't allow their daughters to date when they are in high school or still living with them.
It seems nearly all fathers and brothers don't ever want their daughters/sisters to ever be in a romantic relationship even when they are adults. Fathers and brothers know how dangerous romantic relationships are for women. It seems nearly all fathers and brothers hope that their daughter/sister never dates or get married and remain single for their whole life.
*I feel like you are so close to giving good advice, but you ignore tons of nuance, perhaps due to personal experience. Either way, it's frustrating.*
Examples?
Why are you writing in bold
Because I'm competing with 100+ comments.
she doesn't know anything
Im really guilty of the lack of continuity
You can change. I believe you can change if you work at it. Use a notebook to jot things down if it’s a memory thing. Or at the start of a conversation ask if that person is really doing okay because they were on your mind. That’s what I do. It will help them know that you are creating space for them, that you love them and what they say is important to you.
Im really guilty of the lack of continuity