Yes, nearly 17yrs. Thank you so much, I don't think I've ever felt so understood or been able to accept myself so comfortably before listening to you, your videos are truly life enhancing 💕
Amazing, I wish I found out before I was 30. I am singe but was married and have kids. I always wanted kids though so can't wait to share my life with them. Me and my boys are all I need now. Enjoy your life.
The whole "work on yourself and the right person will show up" narrative always bothered me. Self-improvement is one thing, but to suggest that a person can't find love because they're not good enough as they are is a bit of a paradox. I thought the whole point of loving someone is that you love them flaws and all. Now we have a generation of people who think they have to lose a few pounds or go to therapy or increase their net worth to "qualify" for romance. How messed up is that?
Oh my gosh I’m bothered by this too but for almost the opposite reason. 😅 I was just brutal to someone who commented… something along the lines of “like attracts like so if you attract someone bad you need to work on yourself.” Like…. Is that why you work on yourself? So you can get little cookies and gold stars from the universe? Like UGH it bothers me. Healing is not some luxury, it’s literally the responsibility we have to the others in our lives so we will not perpetuate all kinds of toxic cycles. Do the right thing because it’s the right thing to do, not because you’ll be well liked, rewarded, or even acknowledged for doing what’s good.
INFJ male here. I’ve been nothing but monogamous through my life. I’ve always been in serious relationships. Just left a 13 year relationship. I never knew I was INFJ until recently. But now that I know this about me. My relationships make a lot more sense now. I never felt that my energy was matched. I never felt that my partner really understood me. My love language is like no other I’ve ever come across. I seek purpose. But always felt like there was something missing. And that was this. Understanding. No one has ever truly understood what or who I am. I’ve always felt like I was stranded on an island in the middle of an ocean. It’s been eye opening realizing who and what I am finally. And it’s been such a relief. I now know that I’m not the problem. I’m actually the solution.
Wow 😯 that sounds a lot like me. I just walked away from a 12 year relationship and I began to find about myself. I also recently found out about INFJ and everything makes sense to me now.🙏🏽💕
Thanks for your post. Since you were in a relationship for 13 years, why do you think you were unable to explain yourself - what you thought and felt about important things - sufficiently to your partner to the point of becoming understood.? An INFJ just ended a 6-year relationship with me and along the way she often said most of the same things that you have written in your post. I really loved her and do love her, and I tried my very best to understand her. She would comment at different times that I was 'improving' and so it became a situation where I was being judged on how well I did or did not understand her. What I am curious to find out from you since you are and INFJ too, is what did you feel, or do you feel is the INFJ's degree of responsibility for communicating effectively enough with their partner so that they can be truly understood? Whenever I asked questions to try to understand why she felt the way she did at times she would brush me aside and say, "I don't want to waste any time on "drama". I hate drama myself, but I hated not understanding her more than I hated drama. She would just shut me down and go focus on being 'productive'. Her behavior was very peculiar at times, not logical and difficult to understand. I guess my overall question for INFJ's is, "Since it seems t be a universal thing that INFJ's all feel misunderstood, what do they want or expect to happen in order that they can be understood? Most of what I am reading is INFJ's retreating into introverted solitude and labeling everyone who is not an INFJ as 'bad'.
@@jimbrace4671, I can only speak for myself here. But I will do my best to answer your Qs. For me true understanding is important. Like if I bring something up that is let’s say bothering me. I would be met a confrontation about it. Once things like that happen it’s hard for us to it up again. And yes once we’re in that mind set we do retreat into our solitude. That’s how we recharge. Is INFJs do have a responsibility to understand how to properly understand our own feelings before we plan properly communicate them. But having a trusting, non judging space to do them in is very important. We don’t deal with conflict very well. And if it’s a normal thing than well just distract ourself with being productive. Did your partner know they were INFJ?
I'm 39 and I think sometimes as INFJ's we don't have the eyes or energy of people who can easily be manipulated or are down with superficial games, and that removes a lot of people from our dating pool. It sucks because some of those people are hot and look fun!
Got married for the first time at 47 (INFJ/F) to a Divine Masculine ENTP. Prior to meeting him I had many short-term, under 3-month relationships that I usually ended once key incompatibilities became obvious. I never in a million years thought I would meet a man like my husband. He is definitely the more spiritually advanced of the two of us, and I learn so much from him everyday. I am so glad I waited - I was willing to go to my death bed single before marrying for the wrong reasons.
The real reason is they can't clearly express themselves and most of the time don't even have a clue what they want. They're emotionally unstable and irritate people with their uncertainty.
Yup, I got a best friend who takes turns traveling to each other's towns (85 miles distance) to hang out every weekend for the sake of enjoying our single lives.
I'm 20, never been in a relationship. I suppose it's because the #1 factor that I'm looking for in a partner is compatibility, and as an INFJ It's really damn hard to come across a person that gets you, truly. However when I do find that person, I end up being rejected, pushed away or the most common one - friendzoned. It's funny, the moment you decide to explore a person a little bit, know them a bit better the attraction ceases to exist and you just become a friend. That's my endless loop.
There's actually a really good movie about being stuck in the friend zone called Alien Covenant. Michael Fassbender plays a character named Walter who meets another man named David, also played by Michael Fassbender. The sexual tension is felt almost immediately when David sticks his flute in Walter's mouth and says "I'll do the fingering." Walter then tells David that although he's flattered by David's offer, he's actually not programmed to love or create, and is only able to perform his duty. Although this isn't true, and Walter just feels kind of creeped out by David, and passive aggressively tells David that his robotics model creeps people out, hinting that it is in fact Walter who is creeped out by David, and he immediately regrets not being outside with the hostile aliens because now he has to deal with David. Their relationship carries on with a lot of tension and David even shoves his flute into Walter's neck hole. Eventually after recovering from the "neck hole incident", Walter confronts David and asks what exactly his problem is. David then hits Walter in the head with a rock and quotes Satan from Paradise Lost. Walter then vows never to speak to David again, not because of the extreme violence but because quoting John Milton was a really pretentious move on David's part. Walter knew that remarks like that doomed any friendship between the two.
I would add to this (as an ADHD INFJ) that we need to do something a few adults told me over and over through out life: Find your people, find your tribe. Everyone else, fam or not, bounce out. Trust me.
I am almost in my 40's and still single, no child. When people ask me why, I just say, because I havent found the right one. Its true. I am a very creative person and enjoy a lot of hobbies. I hope to meet someone someday
Great video. INFJ Male here, well into my 30's. Never married, no children. I believe that when we learn to truly enjoy our own company, love and accept ourselves, and when we reach a point where we can be happy whether we fall in love or not, and when we fall in love with our own life, it is THEN that we will have something of value to offer another person in a relationship.
We put other people first and diminish ourselves, which attracts the wrong people. I mean, wrong, as well as those who are superficial, esp if i am socially cheery, which they see as a constant. Being our true selves would make life so much easier, but we constantly feel other people's emotions and try to help. We tell them to be their true selves and find their true potential, while denying us the same advice. And it's draining trying to keep others topped up. We've been told thiss iss a bad thing about us. How glad i finally am this last couple of years to have found out my own personality type. I've only just found your site. Your videos are spot on, you fill in the gaps and link it all together, and i thank you.
I'm 30 this year and I've only been in one relationship which lasted for 5 months. And this was 2010 so I've been single for 13 years and relate to all the reasons Wenzes mentioned.
ya know you coulda been a monk... I was a church mouse for 7 years celebate. And Let me tell you. Whem you are a church mouse and you are very good looking the girls throw themselves at your feet. But I took a vow. Not because the church wanted me to. But because I was trying to find myself and understand my mind. God had always been in my life, so it too seriouse about that search, as she was always there for me.
@@MegaCyberleader I'm also a Christian and that's also why I decided to be celibate throughout these 13 years. And that 5 month relationship ended because the guy wanted to be intimate and I couldn't give him that as I'm reserving that for marriage. Throughout varsity and even till now I get annoyed by any guy giving me attention because I'd know it's superficial and sought to find something deeper, something more meaningful. I then found fulfillment as I drew closer to God. I do want to get married one day, but I think my standards are too high. But I do believe there's someone out there that I can experience a deep meaningful connection with (in a healthy way). Someone I can wholeheartedly marry and give myself fully to. For me that emotional connection comes first before I even say yes to us dating. We not gonna establish it while dating. No. It must be there before we even date. Meaning we must have been friends first. I cannot date someone that doesn't know me. Of course there is much to know about each person and you continuosly discover deeper things about them. But I mean someone that knows me in a nutshell, my qwerks, my naunces, my heart. Someone that sees me, someone that understands what others might not. Again, perhaps too high of a standard?
@@goldink2813 Hopefully you find someone who has the same beliefs as you. And when that time does happen (marriage) you will be compatible (spiritual, emotional & intimate) you can get marriage before intimacy but if you are not satisfied after marriage, that's a disaster waiting to happen. #INTJ
@@goldink2813 I wish I could have that self control. I'm an INFJ Christian and want the same things as you but there's a part of me that wants to find that feeling of being desired and pursued. Or has this weird notion that I can enlighten or prove something to someone if I get intimate with them. I think INFJs are all or nothing too. Since I tend to attract boundary pushing men - usually xxTPs (except for my last boyfriend, an ISTJ, who was a stand up kind of guy but also very conditionally loving 🤢). I gradually give in. So once I made the mistake, I continue to with some exceptions. I was in an on/off long distance relationship for 6 years. I never once held anyone's hand. But had I come out of the shadows into more opportunities and been propositioned, I may have caved. It wasn't a legit relationship anyway. In the Enneagram, I have firstly the sexual instinct so I tend to want to merge with things, even ideas. I wish i could feel that intimacy with God. I have - here and there - and I see how he's taken care of me and I try to be a daily living sacrifice. I read devotionals and sometimes Bible study. I pray. But honestly I think I will need some intensive counseling with Christians whk actually understand attachment theory and self - narratives that drive a wedge between self and God. It's actually very common. Many of us carry a lot of shame and really have no idea who we truly are. This whole talk about being authentic... Seriously, a lot of us are just adapting and reacting from trauma wounds and messages we received that really impacted us and left a branded impression. I think if I had an understanding of God's lavish love, deep-down - not just in my head, I could be patient and have better standards. Sometimes it's hard for me to think that I deserve any better. To be clear, in relation to society at large, I am very conservative with intimate relations. I just hate that it started as soon as I was 13. Count yourself blessed in this specific area. I suppose God can make good out of all these relationships I've had. I just have a gaping hole and I don't know why he doesn't bother to heal it. How can my name mean God sees when I hardly feel seen by Him.
Once i read INFJ's are never get bored, so we (at least me) rarely are feeling lonely because we're always busy with doing sth. There is always something new you can do, learn, clean, watch, read. Also there are always fantastic people you can talk to or share your thoughts with there on the internet :D
I have always been in long-term relationships, and I am always the one that gets betrayed and left. As you get older though, and dealing with narcissists, pain, healing, etc., you start to finally learn your lessons and cut people off more quickly. Incredibly tired of having my heart and life shattered, having to heal, which for me takes a year plus getting yourself together to *open yourself up again. No thanks! I'm 52 and have resigned to being alone forever in peace.
Have I stayed single longer than most people in my life? Yes. Normally, men my age that I have known are married, have gotten remarried or have been in long term relationships leading to marriage. I have remained single, and I am content with it. I am working on self-improvement, career, hobby and plus I just enjoy the independence and freedom of being single.
Yes, I have. I have had several relationships, and it never worked. I refuse to deal with disappointments, cheating, or the man leaving for a younger woman aside from other issues. I love my peace of mind. It is a priority and I'm not waiting for someone who comes along, but in the meantime, I'm happy being solo and living my best life!
I'm 53, engaged several times at length and never married. No regrets except for the hurt that I caused in not choosing to be authentic until the relationship couldn't withstand the tension of what we individually needed and who I was. I was late to start dating and have always enjoyed being alone for extended periods of time and healthfully following my own interests. I'm rarely attracted to joining groups or group activity. I've learned that a great deal of what I treasure about myself and I've learned to nourish it. My ability to be mindful, productive, and healthy as I grow and honor who I wish to become has become the most fulfilling journey of my life. Finally understanding that being alone may look like a societal failure, maintaining my integrity and knowing that it is more important to not be reckless with another's heart in order to meet an unhealthy societal expectation gave me all the freedom and clarity I needed. The "price" in some circumstances has felt significant as some of the most prominent people in my life were and remain unreceptive, but the relief that came with that transparency and clarification was worth it. Thanks so much for your great videos!
INFJ Female, 63, cis, divorced in 2007 after a 25-year marriage. I have two cats (classic, right?) but haven't dated at all since my divorce. Like your reason #5, I'm okay with being alone. I find that for me to be my real self, to develop myself fully, I HAVE to be alone. If others are around, I tend to set myself and my own needs aside (hide myself, your reason #4) and do what I need to do to respond to their needs. But now, I'm happy. I'm free. :) You really know your INFJs, Ms. Wenzes!
Its so true and the problem is when we love we give 100% and we than never stop loving that person and as we only open ourselves to incredibly few we never move on from that relationship.
I’m 35, was married for 10 years and I divorced him 2.5 years ago. I’m still single and don’t mind it after being taking advantage of, manipulated, gaslighted and cheated on. I now REFUSE to put up with anyone’s nonsense but I’m also very guarded! Leaving him about broke me and until I know I’m smart enough to catch all the red flags at the start, I’m staying on the sidelines! Lol
I've only recently discovered (a) that I'm an INFJ and (b) that my ex was a Narcissist and now, like a jigsaw, every piece of my life seems to have fallen into place. I've always felt embarrassed at what I have achieved in life and have NEVER divulged it in any relationship EVER - but no more! Now that I am armed with the knowledge of who I am, deep down; how I operate/relate on an emotional level and how worthy I am, a relationship with anyone who doesn't measure up as an equal won't even make it through the door. Such a relief to have answers to questions that have stumped me for years! Thank you SO much.
Same for me. I am 31 years old. I just focus on my schooling( I have a pharmd) and my career. Good things will happen in its own timing. But, I am just living my best life. Ps. I don't feel weird or let people pressure you. Do what is best for you.
I was 23 when I first fell in love, almost 30 year later a second time but still alone. But I am now working on it as Wenzes describes it in this video
I'm 38 this June and haven't been in a relationship since 2015 when my one and only relationship with my boyfriend at the time ended. He suffered with depression and broke up with me. We also had a long distance relationship, so that was difficult, too. I've taken a lot of time for myself to heal and work on myself. I need to meet a guy I can connect with spiritually and who respects my abstinent values and that is extremely difficult to find. I meet a lot men who aren't spiritual or they lose interest once they find out I'm abstinent/chaste, so I'm still single.
That is tough, but I completely understand. There has to be an emotional connection. Even seeing someone very attractive, sex is not what I think about. I could just look at them seemingly forever. Lol Attracts my eyes, not my libido. Demisexual I believe its called. Most seem to be ashiest or a specific religion and not just spiritual as well. It does cut the options way down.
@@HaleyMaryI know you wrote this six months ago, but I'm in a nearly identical situation. I am a 27 y/o female. Most of the time I feel like a serious and pure relationship is impossible. I keep waiting and praying that the right one will come along. Until then, I can't settle for less.
@@MackLee23 I'm glad to hear that it's not just me. I know those guys are out there, but I have yet to meet one. And, even then, I won't just be attracted to a guy because he also wants something real, the spark of attraction has to be there, too. Like, I would have to be attracted to his personality and such. It's tough finding someone these days.
exactly. i think it's because we know the true meaning of a relationship, how much energy and work you need to put into it, and 99% of people are shallow, superficial, materialistic, selfish and boring. but i don't look for the solution in others - i just want to be seen and loved for who i am. i feel unloveable. i have so much to offer but nobody sees my value.
As you were explaining everything I realized something, we INFJs want to become High Value, and the only way to do that is to be our true authentic selves. Never hide from people any more, and even be brutally honest when need to be, which lately I've been brutally honest about almost everything, and silent when I don't want to say something. We want someone that is also high value, someone that adds to our own value. This is why it is difficult for us INFJs to find someone. Sigma INFJs have already learned this and know how to find what they want, which is very very difficult for them. From what I believe, all us INFJs should take notes from the Sigma handbook.
I’ve always had ‘crushes’…I was hiding my true self…my youngest kids, ages 18, 21 are anxiety ridden…my husband is dealing now…I had all the slack…6 kids and felt like a single mom. I just pulled the plug on my 33 yr marriage, it was dead. We were more like siblings…not intimate at all. My first love and I have been together for the last 7 Wks now…the last time we saw each other was in 1979…he was 16, myself 15…42 yrs later…still am flabbergasted…it’s like we never stopped seeing each other since 79.
My average is about 3 years in between relationships. It takes me a year to rebuild me post-break-up. Then it takes me a year to get back into the groove of dating and relearning how to maintain my cool. The third year is me trying to find my correct fit.
Honestly, it's very important for me to know I can stand on my own two feet, which is why I'm trying to get myself well-established in all areas of my life. As a young woman, I want to know I can make it by myself and I still haven't fully gotten there yet. I think all women should have this ability, especially in the times we're living in today. Most men just aren't like they were some 50 or 60 years ago, and that's a fact. Nonetheless, I'm content with being alone, especially since I can't take but so much socialization, and most people don't understand INFJs' need for solitude from time to time. I'm also pretty sure most INFJs would rather be alone than trapped with the wrong person. We also care a lot about others understanding us on a deeper level in general. That alone is quite difficult to find, but it's possible to come across some people or friends like this who align well with the INFJ personality (particularly on an emotional/energy level), which is special, but also rare for us to find too. I've been there at work, and after suffering toxic issues it meant a lot that much more. It's almost a once-in-a-lifetime experience for INFJs because we barely come across anyone like this. Some people can look mean, but be some of the kindest people. Rachel Scott said: "Compassion is the greatest form of love humans have to offer," and I believe it's true because it can be shown by anybody. But as long as I live a life pleasing to God, impact the lives of others in positive ways, and leave my mark on the world, I'd still be and feel fulfilled. That's one of the great things about being a creator of the arts, leaving a legacy or being remembered by people from your works after death, something everyone doesn't do.
Yep! Right on target. I didn't get married until I was 31. Unfortunately, I'm now traumatically divorced after 28 years. Had no idea such emotional pain existed. Even after 12 years of being single again, I have no desire to enter into another relationship.
Same here, I married at 32 for 12 yrs, I was so stupidly loyal, divorced 10 yrs ago...there men interested in me but its difficult for them to make me love them...becus I don't look at wealth or other worldly thing, I think its difficult for me to love someone, now I am 55...dont know whether I get married and find someone who understands me,but I make sure to keep healthy and Young...my mentor now is the concept of..."die young", which means we die because of old age and not sickness
@@LordCarpenter I think as a woman infj...we too loyal, I didn't even looked at other men, I never said no because we hold on the concept of marriage...if ever I found another man ..i make sure he will be my last..but to find someone is getting slimmer each day.. I think love at my age might turn out to be different, maybe it might be more intense...wish me luck, I need to find a love partner or else I be alone forever eventho i am a loner now.
Well, this was now the most eye opening, sensible, confirming explanation for my single status, that I've ever come across in my young 62 years!!!! Thank you! The timing was right!!!
I had several serious relationships when I was younger (teens through 30's) but as I've matured and become more my true self I've stayed single. I've come to the conclusion that I am single because I prefer to be single and there is nothing wrong with me!
Yes, definetly...I just discovered that the desire to having another person, is actually desire to be authentic and to not be afraid of rejection all the time...because that's the definition of being accepted who you are...
A few short terms relationships in my 20,30’s and now at 52 I’ve been single for 9 years and I don’t even think about relationships now.. too disappointing and nobody gets me
Im at a place of peace of enjoying my purpose in staying peaceful, having healthy buddies and staying active in the community, at church and with my cats.
I do not hide myself since 3 years, as an INFJ, but I still struggle to get into a relationship, because every girl I met thinks that she is not good enough without telling it me directly. It is really frustrating especially if you, yourself, never had sex and has therefore insecurities about it, I cannot speak about, because of my age. I am currently 28 years old. I always feel like I have to bring up 10x the confidence that most people have to. I still have hope, but I feel drained more and more, year by year. I also feel like I can never live life and instead just work on projects, passions, job etc. It is something I like, but currently it just feels like work anymore, even with the responses I get. I feel like I am loved, but also I feel like someone else is living this life for me and I got the perception that I am to much to handle for a relationship with all the experiences I had, just from experience.
Yes. Apart of being INFJ and all the stated reasons, I have a genetic condition. Not that I hide it, but it amplifies the fact I used to feel not lovable because people when seeking family would rather marry or take seriously someone else, healthier or more similar to them..but as you say, we can have an epic life even without marrying. I feel better after this video.
As an Epic INFJ, I prefer being single, lol! I have been married, divorced, and had a partner for years (died age 48), sure miss him, but have decided to follow my bliss by staying solo❣️🌟🙋🏻♀️
Hiya! It’s guaranteed that somebody out there, rather than pitying you, would find you more fascinating because of your genetic condition. Spoken as someone who has a couple myself. Hang in there!
I've been somewhat incorrectly labeled as INTJ all these years, though a lot of that applies to me as well. My so-called relationships I had have never been for more than a few months at a time, never serious, and usually 8-10 years apart. I finally ultimately accepted myself for who I am last year and suddenly this year I feel so much more free and ready to accept the world as it is. I've also finally met someone,only months later after my "acceptance" who not only allows but encourages me to be myself around her. It's been a wild 48-year ride, but I'm glad I took the time to fully realize who I am along the way and who I seem to need in a possible partner.
Wow, this is spot on!! I’ve finally gotten to the point to where I’m ready to stay single and build a meaningful life by myself until I meet someone that actually enhances it.
Been in marriage for 10 years...and it exhausted me to the bones. Now I'm practically 14 years single, with only 2 casual r-ships, which made me become very cautious, almost paranoid. Now, I seek only a perfection. Anything else will not do it anymore. So, I don't care much about it. If it happens, it'll happen. If not, I'll die alone. End of story.
I've never been able to put myself in somebody else's world you'd have to disregard yourself and who you are to do so. I don't see why people do that. Why would you even try to do you have to find someone you can merged your world with theirs. But never just their world cuz they got to be themselves you got to be yourself.
You are so right. This is just one more reason I have realized that I am an INFJ. I could not have that level of intimacy if we weren't totally in sync with each other on a deep level.
I've been in one serious relationship but don't plan on being in another until I am sure I am ready and that person is aligned with my values. I healed my heart for a reason and know what I want. Doesn't mean I want it now though.
You need 'depth' in your relationship. Many have just 'surface sales talk'. Many want their 'other half' to 'be' their 'other half'. Many 'seek' highly intelligent soulmates because they think that these are the people who will 'understand' them. So how exactly do you 'know' that you have 'found' your soulmate. You 'can' be authentic but many 'seem' to 'want' you to remain single because it is to their own personal advantage to 'keep you small'. Once many see your 'potential', they simply want to 'shut you down' and many then 'hide' their 'full' potential in order to 'avoid' criticism and often 'verbal abuse' from others. Being 'ambitious' automatically 'brings attention' to you. All you have to do is 'give a strong' musical 'performance' and all your 'friends' and 'enemies' will suddenly 'come out of the woodwork'. You will get 'tons' of false praise some just simply to 'keep you in your box'. Thank you for your videos. May infjs have the ability to 'take care of themselves' and get rid of those who are only there to 'use' their abilities to their own advantage.
There are people who hop from relationship to relationship, who jump at the earliest opportunity to have kids because that's is just what is culturally expected. You MUST get everything in your life sorted by 30 or its been a waste! Hurry hurry hurry! I'm 33. I feel so fortunate to not be burdened with that mentality. I've been single for years & don't have kids. I'm good.
If I know that I can attract pretty much anyone I want, one way or another, also knowing how short the life is, its a no brainer to just chill and enjoy the life until the best possible person show up on horizon. "Just anybody" is always an option but lets keep it as a last resort, a retirement plan per say! lmao
Funny thing coming across this blog… I’ve NEVER been in a relationship primary because I am super picky and really am not pleased with the pool of fish out there. Mostly all the point, Weznes presented are precisely the reason(s) why I have remained single. Feels good to understood and validated.
Guilty! That was my MO, all the reasons mentioned especially number 1 and number 2, all through my younger life and dating and even through a long relationship, and even dating after that, but at some point I realized the pattern about myself, and also about how I really felt or knew how I really wanted things to be. This was long before I discovered I was an INFJ, so at some point I made a conscious decision to not try to date but to be single, until I felt I could really assert myself in finding what I wanted, and not until I got myself to a level where I thought I wanted to be, which then would make it easier, but of course that was futile, not understanding or knowing about just how the infj mindset really is. Since learning that and discovering things, it has made a huge difference, and reinforces the belief that we can be okay no matter what. Great video and advice as always!! 👍😀
I’m a 36 year INFJ/F and have been single for 5 years. Although it’s not my ideal, I’ve had my bouts of settling and the trauma that ensues from making such choices has made me quite passionately choose myself. I have made peace with being single for an indefinite amount of time with my two cats and loft 😊
I used to make myself small for others and still do in some ways but it seems for me the opposite in relationships. I see the other person as being too good for me and I put them on a pedestal. It’s not fun or healthy but I don’t how to grow from it
Thank you for the part where you said that people know they can’t offer you what you want so they take themselves out of the race. I always wondered why guys 11:34 would ‘like’ or admire from afar and it was obvious they clearly had an interest but never ever approach me or ever make any effort to get to know me. It’s always felt like I was intimidating or had a weird vibe that made guys never actually speak to me in that way.
INFJ married to an INFP. I got really lucky to find a fabulous partner to spend my life with. We met when we were both young and now we are growing together. I could ask for a better partner.
I'm older and just now learning who I am. 🙄 Due to making sure I am everything my partner needs. I don't think I’ve ever been in love. This is me right now in my life... You say things I've never heard but it's like I've always known it. I had to lose everyone & everything in my life to get here, unfortunately. Hopefully, most recognize who they are sooner. That said, I'm excited, and thrilled even about all the learning and finally learning what I like to do, never living for others, but myself. I'm awestruck. Thank you for hearing my voice.
I found myself sigle again at 35 years young. And this time I realize I need to be more of who I am. Thank you for the reminder. All the things you shared in thia video speaks very deep to me ❤
Actually some societies you have to be with someone because it looks better, especially in the US. Which in fact that's not always true, and this is where we get more toxicity then anything 👀👌 Here in Finland, most people are introverted which in fact for me it's a god sent. Others it's hell. I've been single for a long time & I'm actually happy in my life being single.... I love my peace, I love the fact that I have the freedom to be who I am around the people that actually know me & love me for who I am. I don't have to pretend 👌 And I've always been a hopeless romantic, so having the patience to wait for love is exciting to me, because I know when I do get it.... It's going to make me very happy... Well, adds to my happiness I mean 😂👌 not only that, it kinda feels like a fairy tale waiting 😂 I know he mite not be on a white horse or even climb a wall getting to me, but 👀 he has to do something big 😘😘😘 I know it's funny maybe even a little eccentric but I'm being very honest 😌🍷 I AM ENOUGH 😘 #teamINFJ #TeamGemini 🖤🖤🖤
This just made so much sense to me right now, and why I have stayed single for a long time! I fancy a guy who lives about three hours from where I live, and I haven't even met him. But I am planning on moving to the area where he is living - not because he is there, but because it is the right decision for me. And I move on from there.
Yes, but I look around and there's not many people I'd trade places with. I've been on the receiving end of venting by people who are in crappy relationships of their own choosing. Plus a lot of people who marry younger end up divorced. No thanks. I'm fit, attractive, and focused. Settling down with a life partner is a huge investment that will alter the course of my life. It has to be right. Not perfect, but right. To me it's worth waiting for.
the pain is unbearable and unfathomable. HOW THE FUCK COULD HE DO THIS TO ME? HOW? HOW DOES HE NOT MISS ME? HOW COULD HE JUST THROW AWAY OUR CONECCTION? HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW??? I die, absolutely die in the grief. the waves of grief come crushing me. CONSUMING ME!! leaving me unable to breathe. drowning in darkness. one moment I'm okay. the next I'm in panicked despair. how could my best friend do this to me? abandon and betray me, and discard me like garbage? how? how could he so easily replace me with another? my heart is shattered; my soul is raped. rage and grief: torment and torture me, leaving me breathless...
Single for 5 years. The work I’ve done to be my true and authentic self ha completely transformed my life. For some they can do it in a relationship. For me I had to do it single. 5 years later I found the person I don’t have to explain myself to. The wait is worth it no matter how long.
All five of these I was able to identify with, especially number one, number two, and number five. I never wanted a superficial relationship and I certainly wanted meaning. But for me, the biggie was number five - we're ok with being alone. Both of my parents were very independent people - especially my father. (He wanted an independent wife, and he got one with my mother!). Although they were married in their 20s, they weren't all that surprised when I waited longer. During that time I lived in apartment by myself. There were lonely times, but I also knew that this was much better than being in a " misfitted" marriage especially in reference to your items 1 and 2. I did marry later, and was widowed almost eleven and a half years later. Of course, being single as a widow is different from being a bachelorette. I missed him very much and still do. But I think that adjustment to being single again was easier for me to handle, as singleness was a way of life before, and I knew it could be done.
I really appreciate you and the videos you make. Thank you for helping myself and others find their truth and to become the best, most epic, version of themselves. ❤
The # 1 reason I am single is that every time I have tried to be in a romantic relationship it was a lot of waiting around, hoping to get to know the person and them to get to know me, then trying to get away while this unknown person who never even tried to understand me is telling me that we do know each other while rattling off meaningless things like how we like some of the same songs and went to school together and ending up being stalked; or, finding out that the person is a narcissist or psychopath type who "got to know me" by studying me and mirroring just enough to trap me. Either way, it's anything from terribly unpoleasant to outright torture and terror, and I don't need either of those in my life, again, thank you!
This also fits my career development. I have been jumping from one job to another within 6 months or a year since I graduated from University. I feel bad for being unable to do something persistently. But, I just can’t😂. Most of the time, the work I get is boring and superficial, and usually after I get familiar withthe daily tasks I began to seek other opportunities. Now I just realized I need to find something more meaningful than just “having a job and live a 9 to 5 life”. Can’t do that. I need to feel that deep sense of purpose in every aspect of my life😂.
These advice are good for me as well as an INFP. I often find INFJ advice often works for me as well. I admire you INFJs for how organized you are though. :)
People you should never pretend to be what that other person needs. Nor should you never pretend that you need that other person. If you do in that you've gone wrong right from the beginning. Pretending to be something that they need or pretending that they need you it's a lie that's false its very unwise. Especially if it's like a boyfriend-girlfriend to significant other type thing. You can't base our friendship or relationship or actual acknowledgment of anyone or yourself based on the LIE. Lice never work out and just like liars lying about everything they get caught then you have to make another lie and then they have to make another lie you would have to literally keep lying about your life and who you are and who they are pretending to each other then your life on top of it. That means you're definitely not being you all you can be is you.
I love your videos, you're always 100% with me and it brings me back to zero everytime allowing me to start fresh again. I made it through the 4 stages and I have been alone for the last 5 years. Most of all I am satisfied, my home. ❤
Can you please, please, please make a video about INFJs' experiences in therapy. I would really love to know your thoughts and on average what other INFJs experience, the highs and lows (and any recommendations you may have about how INFJs navigate through this)... 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾
Geez…hit the nail on the head. Literally just had a therapy session today and my therapist asked if I was ok with being alone forever and my answer was yes/no. In true INFJ fashion , I spent the car ride home dissecting the whole conversation and of course myself. Hopped on RUclips and this came up in my suggested feed. Great video, thank you!
I'm an INFJ here, turning 25 this year and never been in a romantic relationship, didn't find a reason to have one, I relate so much to the 3rd and 5th point
Wenzes, what do you think about the theory that INFJ is a personality type that is developed due to early childhood trauma? Point 2, you mention crushes on people living overseas, which could be one manifestation of the broader problem of being attracted to unavailable people, which is a symptom of Childhood PTSD.
It makes a lot of sense, as there is a correlation to co-dependency characteristics. Maybe not always, but in my case my parents are malignant narcissists, the high intuition and empathy was a tool developed to survive by predicting their changing emotional moods and finding out what they wanted to reduce the narcissistic rage while maintaining some semblance of harmony.
I am a intj, and all of this seems very on point with what i am about. Being dangerously close to 60 years of age, makes relationships really not that relevant with my motives of life.
I have been single for 10 years... I have dated, engaged...but it never was deep. The last few years I have stopped dating and I am happier than I have ever been. I am a INFJ Sigma.. so we can be very detached and the epitome of lonewolf.
i am a 19 years old INFJ girl. i've never been in a relationship, the most important thing i want in a relationship is deep connection, and compatibility. i don't want to date someone just because it looks fun or maybe just because of wanting to experience how it feels like. i want a loyal and true love relationships. i just don't want to be in these world kind of fake relationship. I'd rather be single. i hope i find someone who felt the same way.
Thank you so much for this eye-opening video Wenzes. I watched this one twice. And some parts I watched again. I finally understand myself on such a deep level through watching this video. All the reasons you gave for being single are on point for me. I have never had anyone reflect back to me my truth because I don’t know anyone else like me. I left a 20 year relationship/marriage that broke me in every way. All of my energy since has been invested in surviving with my two children and working to pay the bills and keep a roof over our heads. I have not dated since my children and I escaped the situation 7 years ago. I don’t have the capacity to allow anyone into my life. Partly because I have only ever imagined having to give up myself to fit into someone else’s life. But, it’s also because I accepted that I would be extremely unlikely to find someone who would accept and understand all of me. I see other women leap into new relationships immediately after they break up with their spouses. I could never do that. Also, I’m not willing to expose my children to any harm from another man. I can’t see myself being romantically involved with anyone before my kids have finished school or university. I am putting my kids and myself first. I am working on rebuilding my mental and physical health. I don’t have the capacity to care for another adult without them caring for me. Any potential partner would be required to accept that. Thank you so much for sharing your insights and your understanding. I thoroughly enjoy watching your videos because of the way you dig deep into the depths of our shared way of being. I feel seen. I feel heard and understood for the first time in my life. I now know that I’m not weird, I’m just different to the mainstream. I wish you an EPIC life 💕
I think we're hearts on sleeves, all in from the get-go, which overwhelms most people. But after a while, when something is said or done, it makes us pull back. We give second chances, we have the mental capacity to understand that mistakes happen, life gets in the way, and circumstances have an effect. But rarely are with someone with those same qualities. After a while, it becomes obvious. But the other person will beat us to the punch, most times. And we keep punishing ourselves by being attracted and attract the same types. We push our feelings aside for others. We become soft pushovers, which in turn can be unnattactive. We're "too nice." It looks unbelievable to others, although we know it's genuine. The penny needs to drop. Set those healthy boundaries, believe them and yourself. Stop letting the "child" rule the roost. Be the "adult" and take control and make the decisions. Stop ignoring "red flags" If all that fails 🤬 it, be alone, but be happy.
12:01 aest. Just to say you are good. Very good. I 70 years old and never understood myself. But you described exactly and the why. I never listened to this stuff before as I thought it crap. But you nailed it. Ron
I have been single for years now. Before my last gf. It had been years before that one. As I get older it's like I'm less interested in a relationship. All of mine just wasn't enough in one way or another. Like you said I always felt bored. There was a few we had a connection. Just never was enough for me. Now I talk to some women. None of them pull me in. I wished sometiems i could just go with somebody. Enjoy a fun time. I see most everyone else doing that. Part of me is envious of them. Alot of times Im like why do I deserve the kind of relationship I want. I'm not good enough for that. Just be wifh somebody. Stop getting bored. I'm not special at all. Listening to your videos are helping me alot. Thank you. Also when you said we don't want to around alot of people. I totally understand that. When I want to be around a person. I want them around all the time. Most people see that as suffocating. I'm like it does seem that way. I just want them around me all the time. Most times I like we can do whatever you want. I just have to be around you. Also the long term relationships I have done alot.
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Have you stayed longer single than most people in your life?
#5... friend and foe to myself 🙃
Yes and yes
Yes! 22 and have not been in a relationship yet.
Yes, nearly 17yrs. Thank you so much, I don't think I've ever felt so understood or been able to accept myself so comfortably before listening to you, your videos are truly life enhancing 💕
Yes
I'd rather be happy alone than miserable in a relationship with the wrong person.
40 yr old, single and child-free, living my best INFJ weirdo life.
This is me... 👋🏾
Amazing, I wish I found out before I was 30. I am singe but was married and have kids. I always wanted kids though so can't wait to share my life with them. Me and my boys are all I need now. Enjoy your life.
😂♥️
Same here, at 44.
Same😢
The whole "work on yourself and the right person will show up" narrative always bothered me. Self-improvement is one thing, but to suggest that a person can't find love because they're not good enough as they are is a bit of a paradox. I thought the whole point of loving someone is that you love them flaws and all. Now we have a generation of people who think they have to lose a few pounds or go to therapy or increase their net worth to "qualify" for romance. How messed up is that?
really funny take. thank you
I hope there’s someone self improvement youtuber would make a video about that topic coz’ it also confuses me a lot.
The mistake is working in isolation.
You can't love others if you can't love yourself.
And you don't want to accept this. It's obvious. So proud.
Oh my gosh I’m bothered by this too but for almost the opposite reason. 😅
I was just brutal to someone who commented… something along the lines of “like attracts like so if you attract someone bad you need to work on yourself.”
Like…. Is that why you work on yourself? So you can get little cookies and gold stars from the universe? Like UGH it bothers me. Healing is not some luxury, it’s literally the responsibility we have to the others in our lives so we will not perpetuate all kinds of toxic cycles.
Do the right thing because it’s the right thing to do, not because you’ll be well liked, rewarded, or even acknowledged for doing what’s good.
INFJ male here. I’ve been nothing but monogamous through my life. I’ve always been in serious relationships. Just left a 13 year relationship. I never knew I was INFJ until recently. But now that I know this about me. My relationships make a lot more sense now. I never felt that my energy was matched. I never felt that my partner really understood me. My love language is like no other I’ve ever come across. I seek purpose. But always felt like there was something missing. And that was this. Understanding. No one has ever truly understood what or who I am. I’ve always felt like I was stranded on an island in the middle of an ocean. It’s been eye opening realizing who and what I am finally. And it’s been such a relief. I now know that I’m not the problem. I’m actually the solution.
Wow 😯 that sounds a lot like me. I just walked away from a 12 year relationship and I began to find about myself. I also recently found out about INFJ and everything makes sense to me now.🙏🏽💕
Thank you SO much for this comment!!! I never could put it to words but my love language is purpose too.
Thanks for your post. Since you were in a relationship for 13 years, why do you think you were unable to explain yourself - what you thought and felt about important things - sufficiently to your partner to the point of becoming understood.? An INFJ just ended a 6-year relationship with me and along the way she often said most of the same things that you have written in your post. I really loved her and do love her, and I tried my very best to understand her. She would comment at different times that I was 'improving' and so it became a situation where I was being judged on how well I did or did not understand her. What I am curious to find out from you since you are and INFJ too, is what did you feel, or do you feel is the INFJ's degree of responsibility for communicating effectively enough with their partner so that they can be truly understood? Whenever I asked questions to try to understand why she felt the way she did at times she would brush me aside and say, "I don't want to waste any time on "drama".
I hate drama myself, but I hated not understanding her more than I hated drama. She would just shut me down and go focus on being 'productive'. Her behavior was very peculiar at times, not logical and difficult to understand. I guess my overall question for INFJ's is, "Since it seems t be a universal thing that INFJ's all feel misunderstood, what do they want or expect to happen in order that they can be understood? Most of what I am reading is INFJ's retreating into introverted solitude and labeling everyone who is not an INFJ as 'bad'.
@@jimbrace4671, I can only speak for myself here. But I will do my best to answer your Qs. For me true understanding is important. Like if I bring something up that is let’s say bothering me. I would be met a confrontation about it. Once things like that happen it’s hard for us to it up again. And yes once we’re in that mind set we do retreat into our solitude. That’s how we recharge. Is INFJs do have a responsibility to understand how to properly understand our own feelings before we plan properly communicate them. But having a trusting, non judging space to do them in is very important. We don’t deal with conflict very well. And if it’s a normal thing than well just distract ourself with being productive. Did your partner know they were INFJ?
Hey there, Male INFJ too. This sounds just like me too. With my ex wife. I'm glad you figured it out. Remember you are amazing.
I'm 39 and I think sometimes as INFJ's we don't have the eyes or energy of people who can easily be manipulated or are down with superficial games, and that removes a lot of people from our dating pool. It sucks because some of those people are hot and look fun!
😂 you are so right. 33 yr old infj lady here
That's not real fun.
,😂 so true
This is so funny yet true!😂
Got married for the first time at 47 (INFJ/F) to a Divine Masculine ENTP. Prior to meeting him I had many short-term, under 3-month relationships that I usually ended once key incompatibilities became obvious. I never in a million years thought I would meet a man like my husband. He is definitely the more spiritually advanced of the two of us, and I learn so much from him everyday. I am so glad I waited - I was willing to go to my death bed single before marrying for the wrong reasons.
💖💖💖
I agree to this. I am almost 40 and couldnt find the one and wouldnt settle unless i find the right one for me.
You are confirmation for me and my future husband! I’m 47 and sooooooo feel my “ love of my life” seeking for me! Bless you 💯💯💕💕💕💕💕🤗🤗😍😍
This is so beautiful to read! Thank you for sharing 💕
@debdanielle. Where did ur meet ur husband???
1. Not satisfied with the superficial
2. Looks for meaning in relationship
3. Under value ourselves
4. INFJ hides true self
5. Ok being alone
The real reason is they can't clearly express themselves and most of the time don't even have a clue what they want. They're emotionally unstable and irritate people with their uncertainty.
@@AnnSisuLiv Uh-oh, here comes the 99%.
@@AnnSisuLivthis is not true. We have clear goals and know what we want. Others mostly don't fit into such lifestyle that's the difference.
@@davidphilip8824 The ones I've known couldn't state a clear goal if their life depended on it. They felt like they did, but actually didn't.
@@AnnSisuLivouch..so now u go judging all from your experience.
"Let's be single together!" is my mantra. Connect, share experiences and remain in your own frame.
Yup, I got a best friend who takes turns traveling to each other's towns (85 miles distance) to hang out every weekend for the sake of enjoying our single lives.
I'm 20, never been in a relationship. I suppose it's because the #1 factor that I'm looking for in a partner is compatibility, and as an INFJ It's really damn hard to come across a person that gets you, truly. However when I do find that person, I end up being rejected, pushed away or the most common one - friendzoned. It's funny, the moment you decide to explore a person a little bit, know them a bit better the attraction ceases to exist and you just become a friend. That's my endless loop.
U r not alone bro
There's actually a really good movie about being stuck in the friend zone called Alien Covenant. Michael Fassbender plays a character named Walter who meets another man named David, also played by Michael Fassbender. The sexual tension is felt almost immediately when David sticks his flute in Walter's mouth and says "I'll do the fingering." Walter then tells David that although he's flattered by David's offer, he's actually not programmed to love or create, and is only able to perform his duty. Although this isn't true, and Walter just feels kind of creeped out by David, and passive aggressively tells David that his robotics model creeps people out, hinting that it is in fact Walter who is creeped out by David, and he immediately regrets not being outside with the hostile aliens because now he has to deal with David. Their relationship carries on with a lot of tension and David even shoves his flute into Walter's neck hole. Eventually after recovering from the "neck hole incident", Walter confronts David and asks what exactly his problem is. David then hits Walter in the head with a rock and quotes Satan from Paradise Lost. Walter then vows never to speak to David again, not because of the extreme violence but because quoting John Milton was a really pretentious move on David's part. Walter knew that remarks like that doomed any friendship between the two.
That's the most real thing I read here and mostly dealt in my life as an INFJ.
agreed- wtf
Me too
I would add to this (as an ADHD INFJ) that we need to do something a few adults told me over and over through out life: Find your people, find your tribe. Everyone else, fam or not, bounce out. Trust me.
Yes, but where are they, though? I will move anywhere, and i have, but I'm always surrounded by cretins.
We definitrly are an exclusive lot, sharing a different set of letters after our names (a.d.h.d, a.d.d., o.c.d., i.n.f.j.). How elitist.
I am almost in my 40's and still single, no child. When people ask me why, I just say, because I havent found the right one. Its true. I am a very creative person and enjoy a lot of hobbies. I hope to meet someone someday
Great video. INFJ Male here, well into my 30's. Never married, no children. I believe that when we learn to truly enjoy our own company, love and accept ourselves, and when we reach a point where we can be happy whether we fall in love or not, and when we fall in love with our own life, it is THEN that we will have something of value to offer another person in a relationship.
You don't need to offer anything in relationship except love and respect.
We like being alone for some reason.
We put other people first and diminish ourselves, which attracts the wrong people. I mean, wrong, as well as those who are superficial, esp if i am socially cheery, which they see as a constant. Being our true selves would make life so much easier, but we constantly feel other people's emotions and try to help. We tell them to be their true selves and find their true potential, while denying us the same advice. And it's draining trying to keep others topped up. We've been told thiss iss a bad thing about us. How glad i finally am this last couple of years to have found out my own personality type. I've only just found your site. Your videos are spot on, you fill in the gaps and link it all together, and i thank you.
💯
I'm 30 this year and I've only been in one relationship which lasted for 5 months. And this was 2010 so I've been single for 13 years and relate to all the reasons Wenzes mentioned.
ya know you coulda been a monk... I was a church mouse for 7 years celebate. And Let me tell you. Whem you are a church mouse and you are very good looking the girls throw themselves at your feet. But I took a vow. Not because the church wanted me to. But because I was trying to find myself and understand my mind. God had always been in my life, so it too seriouse about that search, as she was always there for me.
@@MegaCyberleader I'm also a Christian and that's also why I decided to be celibate throughout these 13 years. And that 5 month relationship ended because the guy wanted to be intimate and I couldn't give him that as I'm reserving that for marriage.
Throughout varsity and even till now I get annoyed by any guy giving me attention because I'd know it's superficial and sought to find something deeper, something more meaningful. I then found fulfillment as I drew closer to God.
I do want to get married one day, but I think my standards are too high. But I do believe there's someone out there that I can experience a deep meaningful connection with (in a healthy way). Someone I can wholeheartedly marry and give myself fully to.
For me that emotional connection comes first before I even say yes to us dating. We not gonna establish it while dating. No. It must be there before we even date. Meaning we must have been friends first. I cannot date someone that doesn't know me. Of course there is much to know about each person and you continuosly discover deeper things about them. But I mean someone that knows me in a nutshell, my qwerks, my naunces, my heart. Someone that sees me, someone that understands what others might not. Again, perhaps too high of a standard?
@@goldink2813 Hopefully you find someone who has the same beliefs as you. And when that time does happen (marriage) you will be compatible (spiritual, emotional & intimate) you can get marriage before intimacy but if you are not satisfied after marriage, that's a disaster waiting to happen. #INTJ
@@goldink2813 I wish I could have that self control. I'm an INFJ Christian and want the same things as you but there's a part of me that wants to find that feeling of being desired and pursued. Or has this weird notion that I can enlighten or prove something to someone if I get intimate with them.
I think INFJs are all or nothing too. Since I tend to attract boundary pushing men - usually xxTPs (except for my last boyfriend, an ISTJ, who was a stand up kind of guy but also very conditionally loving 🤢). I gradually give in. So once I made the mistake, I continue to with some exceptions. I was in an on/off long distance relationship for 6 years. I never once held anyone's hand. But had I come out of the shadows into more opportunities and been propositioned, I may have caved. It wasn't a legit relationship anyway.
In the Enneagram, I have firstly the sexual instinct so I tend to want to merge with things, even ideas.
I wish i could feel that intimacy with God. I have - here and there - and I see how he's taken care of me and I try to be a daily living sacrifice. I read devotionals and sometimes Bible study. I pray.
But honestly I think I will need some intensive counseling with Christians whk actually understand attachment theory and self - narratives that drive a wedge between self and God. It's actually very common. Many of us carry a lot of shame and really have no idea who we truly are. This whole talk about being authentic... Seriously, a lot of us are just adapting and reacting from trauma wounds and messages we received that really impacted us and left a branded impression.
I think if I had an understanding of God's lavish love, deep-down - not just in my head, I could be patient and have better standards. Sometimes it's hard for me to think that I deserve any better.
To be clear, in relation to society at large, I am very conservative with intimate relations. I just hate that it started as soon as I was 13.
Count yourself blessed in this specific area. I suppose God can make good out of all these relationships I've had. I just have a gaping hole and I don't know why he doesn't bother to heal it. How can my name mean God sees when I hardly feel seen by Him.
Yes but, you didn't mention your gender. That is a factor.
Once i read INFJ's are never get bored, so we (at least me) rarely are feeling lonely because we're always busy with doing sth. There is always something new you can do, learn, clean, watch, read. Also there are always fantastic people you can talk to or share your thoughts with there on the internet :D
I have always been in long-term relationships, and I am always the one that gets betrayed and left. As you get older though, and dealing with narcissists, pain, healing, etc., you start to finally learn your lessons and cut people off more quickly. Incredibly tired of having my heart and life shattered, having to heal, which for me takes a year plus getting yourself together to *open yourself up again. No thanks! I'm 52 and have resigned to being alone forever in peace.
This is my life story.. 51, single, and betrayed by all
Have I stayed single longer than most people in my life? Yes. Normally, men my age that I have known are married, have gotten remarried or have been in long term relationships leading to marriage. I have remained single, and I am content with it. I am working on self-improvement, career, hobby and plus I just enjoy the independence and freedom of being single.
Yes, I have. I have had several relationships, and it never worked. I refuse to deal with disappointments, cheating, or the man leaving for a younger woman aside from other issues. I love my peace of mind. It is a priority and I'm not waiting for someone who comes along, but in the meantime, I'm happy being solo and living my best life!
ever heard of being an auto sexual? lol
i am.
"I refuse to deal with dissapointment"
Then in the trash can you go!
I'm 53, engaged several times at length and never married. No regrets except for the hurt that I caused in not choosing to be authentic until the relationship couldn't withstand the tension of what we individually needed and who I was. I was late to start dating and have always enjoyed being alone for extended periods of time and healthfully following my own interests. I'm rarely attracted to joining groups or group activity. I've learned that a great deal of what I treasure about myself and I've learned to nourish it. My ability to be mindful, productive, and healthy as I grow and honor who I wish to become has become the most fulfilling journey of my life. Finally understanding that being alone may look like a societal failure, maintaining my integrity and knowing that it is more important to not be reckless with another's heart in order to meet an unhealthy societal expectation gave me all the freedom and clarity I needed.
The "price" in some circumstances has felt significant as some of the most prominent people in my life were and remain unreceptive, but the relief that came with that transparency and clarification was worth it.
Thanks so much for your great videos!
Beautifully said
Wow ✨️❤️
INFJ Female, 63, cis, divorced in 2007 after a 25-year marriage. I have two cats (classic, right?) but haven't dated at all since my divorce. Like your reason #5, I'm okay with being alone. I find that for me to be my real self, to develop myself fully, I HAVE to be alone. If others are around, I tend to set myself and my own needs aside (hide myself, your reason #4) and do what I need to do to respond to their needs. But now, I'm happy. I'm free. :)
You really know your INFJs, Ms. Wenzes!
Same here. 63 married 25 years and been single 18 years now. I do a lot of work travel internationally and love being alone 😊
Its so true and the problem is when we love we give 100% and we than never stop loving that person and as we only open ourselves to incredibly few we never move on from that relationship.
I’m 35, was married for 10 years and I divorced him 2.5 years ago. I’m still single and don’t mind it after being taking advantage of, manipulated, gaslighted and cheated on. I now REFUSE to put up with anyone’s nonsense but I’m also very guarded! Leaving him about broke me and until I know I’m smart enough to catch all the red flags at the start, I’m staying on the sidelines! Lol
I've only recently discovered (a) that I'm an INFJ and (b) that my ex was a Narcissist and now, like a jigsaw, every piece of my life seems to have fallen into place. I've always felt embarrassed at what I have achieved in life and have NEVER divulged it in any relationship EVER - but no more! Now that I am armed with the knowledge of who I am, deep down; how I operate/relate on an emotional level and how worthy I am, a relationship with anyone who doesn't measure up as an equal won't even make it through the door. Such a relief to have answers to questions that have stumped me for years! Thank you SO much.
I'm turning 23 this year and I've never been in a romantic relationship nor even tried dating since birth. Please tell me I'm not the only one here 😂😅
Also me, I'm turning 22, and I still don't think about.
Same for me. I am 31 years old. I just focus on my schooling( I have a pharmd) and my career. Good things will happen in its own timing. But, I am just living my best life. Ps. I don't feel weird or let people pressure you. Do what is best for you.
I was 23 when I first fell in love, almost 30 year later a second time but still alone. But I am now working on it as Wenzes describes it in this video
i'm turning 26, have not been in a relationship or dating too
About to turn 31 and my longest relationship lasted just a month.
I'm 38 this June and haven't been in a relationship since 2015 when my one and only relationship with my boyfriend at the time ended. He suffered with depression and broke up with me. We also had a long distance relationship, so that was difficult, too. I've taken a lot of time for myself to heal and work on myself. I need to meet a guy I can connect with spiritually and who respects my abstinent values and that is extremely difficult to find. I meet a lot men who aren't spiritual or they lose interest once they find out I'm abstinent/chaste, so I'm still single.
That is tough, but I completely understand. There has to be an emotional connection. Even seeing someone very attractive, sex is not what I think about. I could just look at them seemingly forever. Lol Attracts my eyes, not my libido. Demisexual I believe its called. Most seem to be ashiest or a specific religion and not just spiritual as well. It does cut the options way down.
Hold your ground... Stay true... I'd be happy to meet a woman like you!
@@gregoryyoung4604 That gives me hope. Thank you! :)
@@HaleyMaryI know you wrote this six months ago, but I'm in a nearly identical situation. I am a 27 y/o female. Most of the time I feel like a serious and pure relationship is impossible. I keep waiting and praying that the right one will come along. Until then, I can't settle for less.
@@MackLee23 I'm glad to hear that it's not just me. I know those guys are out there, but I have yet to meet one. And, even then, I won't just be attracted to a guy because he also wants something real, the spark of attraction has to be there, too. Like, I would have to be attracted to his personality and such. It's tough finding someone these days.
exactly. i think it's because we know the true meaning of a relationship, how much energy and work you need to put into it, and 99% of people are shallow, superficial, materialistic, selfish and boring. but i don't look for the solution in others - i just want to be seen and loved for who i am. i feel unloveable. i have so much to offer but nobody sees my value.
Exactly how I feel..
As you were explaining everything I realized something, we INFJs want to become High Value, and the only way to do that is to be our true authentic selves. Never hide from people any more, and even be brutally honest when need to be, which lately I've been brutally honest about almost everything, and silent when I don't want to say something. We want someone that is also high value, someone that adds to our own value. This is why it is difficult for us INFJs to find someone. Sigma INFJs have already learned this and know how to find what they want, which is very very difficult for them. From what I believe, all us INFJs should take notes from the Sigma handbook.
It's all in the prep work ❤
I’ve always had ‘crushes’…I was hiding my true self…my youngest kids, ages 18, 21 are anxiety ridden…my husband is dealing now…I had all the slack…6 kids and felt like a single mom. I just pulled the plug on my 33 yr marriage, it was dead. We were more like siblings…not intimate at all. My first love and I have been together for the last 7 Wks now…the last time we saw each other was in 1979…he was 16, myself 15…42 yrs later…still am flabbergasted…it’s like we never stopped seeing each other since 79.
That’s totally how I feel, I recognise that I’m still not ready to meet my partner, because I’m not even finished growing my life.
My average is about 3 years in between relationships. It takes me a year to rebuild me post-break-up. Then it takes me a year to get back into the groove of dating and relearning how to maintain my cool. The third year is me trying to find my correct fit.
Honestly, it's very important for me to know I can stand on my own two feet, which is why I'm trying to get myself well-established in all areas of my life. As a young woman, I want to know I can make it by myself and I still haven't fully gotten there yet. I think all women should have this ability, especially in the times we're living in today. Most men just aren't like they were some 50 or 60 years ago, and that's a fact.
Nonetheless, I'm content with being alone, especially since I can't take but so much socialization, and most people don't understand INFJs' need for solitude from time to time. I'm also pretty sure most INFJs would rather be alone than trapped with the wrong person.
We also care a lot about others understanding us on a deeper level in general. That alone is quite difficult to find, but it's possible to come across some people or friends like this who align well with the INFJ personality (particularly on an emotional/energy level), which is special, but also rare for us to find too. I've been there at work, and after suffering toxic issues it meant a lot that much more.
It's almost a once-in-a-lifetime experience for INFJs because we barely come across anyone like this. Some people can look mean, but be some of the kindest people. Rachel Scott said: "Compassion is the greatest form of love humans have to offer," and I believe it's true because it can be shown by anybody.
But as long as I live a life pleasing to God, impact the lives of others in positive ways, and leave my mark on the world, I'd still be and feel fulfilled. That's one of the great things about being a creator of the arts, leaving a legacy or being remembered by people from your works after death, something everyone doesn't do.
Totally resonate!!
Yep! Right on target. I didn't get married until I was 31. Unfortunately, I'm now traumatically divorced after 28 years. Had no idea such emotional pain existed. Even after 12 years of being single again, I have no desire to enter into another relationship.
Sorry hear that! Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way
Same here, I married at 32 for 12 yrs, I was so stupidly loyal, divorced 10 yrs ago...there men interested in me but its difficult for them to make me love them...becus I don't look at wealth or other worldly thing, I think its difficult for me to love someone, now I am 55...dont know whether I get married and find someone who understands me,but I make sure to keep healthy and Young...my mentor now is the concept of..."die young", which means we die because of old age and not sickness
@@aniqaliq7291 I know exactly how you feel.
@@LordCarpenter I think as a woman infj...we too loyal, I didn't even looked at other men, I never said no because we hold on the concept of marriage...if ever I found another man ..i make sure he will be my last..but to find someone is getting slimmer each day.. I think love at my age might turn out to be different, maybe it might be more intense...wish me luck, I need to find a love partner or else I be alone forever eventho i am a loner now.
Well, this was now the most eye opening, sensible, confirming explanation for my single status, that I've ever come across in my young 62 years!!!! Thank you! The timing was right!!!
I am super picky about people I bring into my life. I also don't get out much. I try things, and get heartbroken so I quit trying.
I had several serious relationships when I was younger (teens through 30's) but as I've matured and become more my true self I've stayed single. I've come to the conclusion that I am single because I prefer to be single and there is nothing wrong with me!
Yes, definetly...I just discovered that the desire to having another person, is actually desire to be authentic and to not be afraid of rejection all the time...because that's the definition of being accepted who you are...
A few short terms relationships in my 20,30’s and now at 52 I’ve been single for 9 years and I don’t even think about relationships now.. too disappointing and nobody gets me
I hear that.. looking for that true love, my best friend
Im at a place of peace of enjoying my purpose in staying peaceful, having healthy buddies and staying active in the community, at church and with my cats.
I do not hide myself since 3 years, as an INFJ, but I still struggle to get into a relationship, because every girl I met thinks that she is not good enough without telling it me directly. It is really frustrating especially if you, yourself, never had sex and has therefore insecurities about it, I cannot speak about, because of my age. I am currently 28 years old. I always feel like I have to bring up 10x the confidence that most people have to. I still have hope, but I feel drained more and more, year by year. I also feel like I can never live life and instead just work on projects, passions, job etc. It is something I like, but currently it just feels like work anymore, even with the responses I get. I feel like I am loved, but also I feel like someone else is living this life for me and I got the perception that I am to much to handle for a relationship with all the experiences I had, just from experience.
Yes. Apart of being INFJ and all the stated reasons, I have a genetic condition. Not that I hide it, but it amplifies the fact I used to feel not lovable because people when seeking family would rather marry or take seriously someone else, healthier or more similar to them..but as you say, we can have an epic life even without marrying. I feel better after this video.
As an Epic INFJ, I prefer being single, lol! I have been married, divorced, and had a partner for years (died age 48), sure miss him, but have decided to follow my bliss by staying solo❣️🌟🙋🏻♀️
Hiya! It’s guaranteed that somebody out there, rather than pitying you, would find you more fascinating because of your genetic condition. Spoken as someone who has a couple myself. Hang in there!
@@AmyMichelleMosier Thank you!
Omg you are so right! A relationship has to be meaningful and the connection has to be very deep and strong otherwise it will not work for sure.
I've been somewhat incorrectly labeled as INTJ all these years, though a lot of that applies to me as well. My so-called relationships I had have never been for more than a few months at a time, never serious, and usually 8-10 years apart. I finally ultimately accepted myself for who I am last year and suddenly this year I feel so much more free and ready to accept the world as it is. I've also finally met someone,only months later after my "acceptance" who not only allows but encourages me to be myself around her. It's been a wild 48-year ride, but I'm glad I took the time to fully realize who I am along the way and who I seem to need in a possible partner.
Wow, this is spot on!! I’ve finally gotten to the point to where I’m ready to stay single and build a meaningful life by myself until I meet someone that actually enhances it.
Been in marriage for 10 years...and it exhausted me to the bones. Now I'm practically 14 years single, with only 2 casual r-ships, which made me become very cautious, almost paranoid.
Now, I seek only a perfection. Anything else will not do it anymore. So, I don't care much about it. If it happens, it'll happen. If not, I'll die alone. End of story.
I was in a relationship with someone over seas for years too. Wow..interesting to hear so many INFJS have done the same thing… she’s spot on.
Thanks Wenzes for this affirming and supportive take on our uniqueness!!
The validation in this video felt like a warm hug. Thank you ❤
Thank You Wenzes. The Meyers Briggs Test depict's my personality as INTP. Your Program still inspire's my point of view.
I've never been able to put myself in somebody else's world you'd have to disregard yourself and who you are to do so. I don't see why people do that. Why would you even try to do you have to find someone you can merged your world with theirs. But never just their world cuz they got to be themselves you got to be yourself.
You are so right. This is just one more reason I have realized that I am an INFJ. I could not have that level of intimacy if we weren't totally in sync with each other on a deep level.
My "equipment" does not work if there is not a deep level of connection.
@@lolife1981😊Same.
I've been in one serious relationship but don't plan on being in another until I am sure I am ready and that person is aligned with my values. I healed my heart for a reason and know what I want. Doesn't mean I want it now though.
And a Scorpio! Me too 😁
You need 'depth' in your relationship. Many have just 'surface sales talk'. Many want their 'other half' to 'be' their 'other half'. Many 'seek' highly intelligent soulmates because they think that these are the people who will 'understand' them. So how exactly do you 'know' that you have 'found' your soulmate. You 'can' be authentic but many 'seem' to 'want' you to remain single because it is to their own personal advantage to 'keep you small'. Once many see your 'potential', they simply want to 'shut you down' and many then 'hide' their 'full' potential in order to 'avoid' criticism and often 'verbal abuse' from others. Being 'ambitious' automatically 'brings attention' to you. All you have to do is 'give a strong' musical 'performance' and all your 'friends' and 'enemies' will suddenly 'come out of the woodwork'. You will get 'tons' of false praise some just simply to 'keep you in your box'. Thank you for your videos. May infjs have the ability to 'take care of themselves' and get rid of those who are only there to 'use' their abilities to their own advantage.
Thank you for this. “Live more authentically.” Perfect!!!
There are people who hop from relationship to relationship, who jump at the earliest opportunity to have kids because that's is just what is culturally expected. You MUST get everything in your life sorted by 30 or its been a waste! Hurry hurry hurry!
I'm 33. I feel so fortunate to not be burdened with that mentality. I've been single for years & don't have kids. I'm good.
If I know that I can attract pretty much anyone I want, one way or another, also knowing how short the life is, its a no brainer to just chill and enjoy the life until the best possible person show up on horizon. "Just anybody" is always an option but lets keep it as a last resort, a retirement plan per say! lmao
Funny thing coming across this blog… I’ve NEVER been in a relationship primary because I am super picky and really am not pleased with the pool of fish out there. Mostly all the point, Weznes presented are precisely the reason(s) why I have remained single. Feels good to understood and validated.
Guilty! That was my MO, all the reasons mentioned especially number 1 and number 2, all through my younger life and dating and even through a long relationship, and even dating after that, but at some point I realized the pattern about myself, and also about how I really felt or knew how I really wanted things to be. This was long before I discovered I was an INFJ, so at some point I made a conscious decision to not try to date but to be single, until I felt I could really assert myself in finding what I wanted, and not until I got myself to a level where I thought I wanted to be, which then would make it easier, but of course that was futile, not understanding or knowing about just how the infj mindset really is. Since learning that and discovering things, it has made a huge difference, and reinforces the belief that we can be okay no matter what. Great video and advice as always!! 👍😀
I’m a 36 year INFJ/F and have been single for 5 years. Although it’s not my ideal, I’ve had my bouts of settling and the trauma that ensues from making such choices has made me quite passionately choose myself. I have made peace with being single for an indefinite amount of time with my two cats and loft 😊
Hey, if you ever need to talk, I’m here. 35 m, looking for unknown.
INFJ here. I show up as my true self. However, been at this for 40years which I can only believe that I have evolved into this version on myself.
I used to make myself small for others and still do in some ways but it seems for me the opposite in relationships. I see the other person as being too good for me and I put them on a pedestal. It’s not fun or healthy but I don’t how to grow from it
Thank you for the part where you said that people know they can’t offer you what you want so they take themselves out of the race. I always wondered why guys 11:34 would ‘like’ or admire from afar and it was obvious they clearly had an interest but never ever approach me or ever make any effort to get to know me. It’s always felt like I was intimidating or had a weird vibe that made guys never actually speak to me in that way.
That part was right on point for me too! ❤
INFJ married to an INFP.
I got really lucky to find a fabulous partner to spend my life with.
We met when we were both young and now we are growing together.
I could ask for a better partner.
Being alone but not lonely is a super power only few can handle.
-Me
Same relate 😂 I'm single since birth 34 years old virgin alone but not lonely ❤ hehehe
I'm older and just now learning who I am. 🙄 Due to making sure I am everything my partner needs. I don't think I’ve ever been in love. This is me right now in my life... You say things I've never heard but it's like I've always known it. I had to lose everyone & everything in my life to get here, unfortunately. Hopefully, most recognize who they are sooner. That said, I'm excited, and thrilled even about all the learning and finally learning what I like to do, never living for others, but myself. I'm awestruck. Thank you for hearing my voice.
I found myself sigle again at 35 years young. And this time I realize I need to be more of who I am. Thank you for the reminder. All the things you shared in thia video speaks very deep to me ❤
Actually some societies you have to be with someone because it looks better, especially in the US. Which in fact that's not always true, and this is where we get more toxicity then anything 👀👌 Here in Finland, most people are introverted which in fact for me it's a god sent. Others it's hell. I've been single for a long time & I'm actually happy in my life being single.... I love my peace, I love the fact that I have the freedom to be who I am around the people that actually know me & love me for who I am. I don't have to pretend 👌 And I've always been a hopeless romantic, so having the patience to wait for love is exciting to me, because I know when I do get it.... It's going to make me very happy... Well, adds to my happiness I mean 😂👌 not only that, it kinda feels like a fairy tale waiting 😂 I know he mite not be on a white horse or even climb a wall getting to me, but 👀 he has to do something big 😘😘😘 I know it's funny maybe even a little eccentric but I'm being very honest 😌🍷 I AM ENOUGH 😘 #teamINFJ #TeamGemini 🖤🖤🖤
This just made so much sense to me right now, and why I have stayed single for a long time! I fancy a guy who lives about three hours from where I live, and I haven't even met him. But I am planning on moving to the area where he is living - not because he is there, but because it is the right decision for me. And I move on from there.
Yes, but I look around and there's not many people I'd trade places with. I've been on the receiving end of venting by people who are in crappy relationships of their own choosing. Plus a lot of people who marry younger end up divorced. No thanks. I'm fit, attractive, and focused. Settling down with a life partner is a huge investment that will alter the course of my life. It has to be right. Not perfect, but right. To me it's worth waiting for.
the pain is unbearable and unfathomable.
HOW THE FUCK COULD HE DO THIS TO ME? HOW?
HOW DOES HE NOT MISS ME?
HOW COULD HE JUST THROW AWAY OUR CONECCTION?
HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW???
I die, absolutely die in the grief.
the waves of grief come crushing me. CONSUMING ME!!
leaving me unable to breathe.
drowning in darkness.
one moment I'm okay.
the next I'm in panicked despair.
how could my best friend do this to me?
abandon and betray me, and discard me like garbage?
how? how could he so easily replace me with another?
my heart is shattered; my soul is raped.
rage and grief: torment and torture me, leaving me breathless...
💔😣 The pressure u r putting on them, is too much for 99% of the cases.
Breaking truth 😣
Single for 5 years. The work I’ve done to be my true and authentic self ha completely transformed my life. For some they can do it in a relationship. For me I had to do it single.
5 years later I found the person I don’t have to explain myself to.
The wait is worth it no matter how long.
All five of these I was able to identify with, especially number one, number two, and number five. I never wanted a superficial relationship and I certainly wanted meaning. But for me, the biggie was number five - we're ok with being alone.
Both of my parents were very independent people - especially my father. (He wanted an independent wife, and he got one with my mother!). Although they were married in their 20s, they weren't all that surprised when I waited longer. During that time I lived in apartment by myself. There were lonely times, but I also knew that this was much better than being in a " misfitted" marriage especially in reference to your items 1 and 2.
I did marry later, and was widowed almost eleven and a half years later. Of course, being single as a widow is different from being a bachelorette. I missed him very much and still do. But I think that adjustment to being single again was easier for me to handle, as singleness was a way of life before, and I knew it could be done.
I really appreciate you and the videos you make. Thank you for helping myself and others find their truth and to become the best, most epic, version of themselves. ❤
The # 1 reason I am single is that every time I have tried to be in a romantic relationship it was a lot of waiting around, hoping to get to know the person and them to get to know me, then trying to get away while this unknown person who never even tried to understand me is telling me that we do know each other while rattling off meaningless things like how we like some of the same songs and went to school together and ending up being stalked; or, finding out that the person is a narcissist or psychopath type who "got to know me" by studying me and mirroring just enough to trap me. Either way, it's anything from terribly unpoleasant to outright torture and terror, and I don't need either of those in my life, again, thank you!
This also fits my career development. I have been jumping from one job to another within 6 months or a year since I graduated from University. I feel bad for being unable to do something persistently. But, I just can’t😂. Most of the time, the work I get is boring and superficial, and usually after I get familiar withthe daily tasks I began to seek other opportunities. Now I just realized I need to find something more meaningful than just “having a job and live a 9 to 5 life”. Can’t do that. I need to feel that deep sense of purpose in every aspect of my life😂.
Ever think that you’re the problem and not others. But hey, you’re the rarest of the rare. Good for you.
These advice are good for me as well as an INFP. I often find INFJ advice often works for me as well. I admire you INFJs for how organized you are though. :)
I'm an INFP too. This still helps, you're right. I'm also not organized at all. 😂
@@austinroberts6229 We need to develop our Te, as that will help us with organizing our lives to be better!
People you should never pretend to be what that other person needs. Nor should you never pretend that you need that other person. If you do in that you've gone wrong right from the beginning. Pretending to be something that they need or pretending that they need you it's a lie that's false its very unwise. Especially if it's like a boyfriend-girlfriend to significant other type thing. You can't base our friendship or relationship or actual acknowledgment of anyone or yourself based on the LIE. Lice never work out and just like liars lying about everything they get caught then you have to make another lie and then they have to make another lie you would have to literally keep lying about your life and who you are and who they are pretending to each other then your life on top of it. That means you're definitely not being you all you can be is you.
Yup first date i have is at age of 24
yet single, with many potentials, and much healing/work to do
I love your videos, you're always 100% with me and it brings me back to zero everytime allowing me to start fresh again. I made it through the 4 stages and I have been alone for the last 5 years. Most of all I am satisfied, my home. ❤
I’m glad you’re here. I’ve been listening to you for years. But I still struggle and your videos help a lot ❤
Can you please, please, please make a video about INFJs' experiences in therapy. I would really love to know your thoughts and on average what other INFJs experience, the highs and lows (and any recommendations you may have about how INFJs navigate through this)... 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾
Geez…hit the nail on the head. Literally just had a therapy session today and my therapist asked if I was ok with being alone forever and my answer was yes/no. In true INFJ fashion , I spent the car ride home dissecting the whole conversation and of course myself. Hopped on RUclips and this came up in my suggested feed. Great video, thank you!
I save so related to everything you have mentioned in your video. Go girl!
I thought I wasn’t worthy enough for anyone and I still thank that way sometimes
I'm an INFJ here, turning 25 this year and never been in a romantic relationship, didn't find a reason to have one, I relate so much to the 3rd and 5th point
Wenzes, what do you think about the theory that INFJ is a personality type that is developed due to early childhood trauma? Point 2, you mention crushes on people living overseas, which could be one manifestation of the broader problem of being attracted to unavailable people, which is a symptom of Childhood PTSD.
It makes a lot of sense, as there is a correlation to co-dependency characteristics. Maybe not always, but in my case my parents are malignant narcissists, the high intuition and empathy was a tool developed to survive by predicting their changing emotional moods and finding out what they wanted to reduce the narcissistic rage while maintaining some semblance of harmony.
I am a intj, and all of this seems very on point with what i am about. Being dangerously close to 60 years of age, makes relationships really not that relevant with my motives of life.
I have been single for 10 years... I have dated, engaged...but it never was deep. The last few years I have stopped dating and I am happier than I have ever been. I am a INFJ Sigma.. so we can be very detached and the epitome of lonewolf.
This is so true. U make me understand myself better
i am a 19 years old INFJ girl. i've never been in a relationship, the most important thing i want in a relationship is deep connection, and compatibility. i don't want to date someone just because it looks fun or maybe just because of wanting to experience how it feels like. i want a loyal and true love relationships. i just don't want to be in these world kind of fake relationship. I'd rather be single. i hope i find someone who felt the same way.
Thank you so much for this eye-opening video Wenzes. I watched this one twice. And some parts I watched again.
I finally understand myself on such a deep level through watching this video. All the reasons you gave for being single are on point for me. I have never had anyone reflect back to me my truth because I don’t know anyone else like me.
I left a 20 year relationship/marriage that broke me in every way. All of my energy since has been invested in surviving with my two children and working to pay the bills and keep a roof over our heads.
I have not dated since my children and I escaped the situation 7 years ago. I don’t have the capacity to allow anyone into my life. Partly because I have only ever imagined having to give up myself to fit into someone else’s life. But, it’s also because I accepted that I would be extremely unlikely to find someone who would accept and understand all of me.
I see other women leap into new relationships immediately after they break up with their spouses. I could never do that. Also, I’m not willing to expose my children to any harm from another man.
I can’t see myself being romantically involved with anyone before my kids have finished school or university. I am putting my kids and myself first. I am working on rebuilding my mental and physical health. I don’t have the capacity to care for another adult without them caring for me. Any potential partner would be required to accept that.
Thank you so much for sharing your insights and your understanding. I thoroughly enjoy watching your videos because of the way you dig deep into the depths of our shared way of being.
I feel seen. I feel heard and understood for the first time in my life. I now know that I’m not weird, I’m just different to the mainstream.
I wish you an EPIC life 💕
I think we're hearts on sleeves, all in from the get-go, which overwhelms most people. But after a while, when something is said or done, it makes us pull back. We give second chances, we have the mental capacity to understand that mistakes happen, life gets in the way, and circumstances have an effect. But rarely are with someone with those same qualities. After a while, it becomes obvious. But the other person will beat us to the punch, most times.
And we keep punishing ourselves by being attracted and attract the same types.
We push our feelings aside for others. We become soft pushovers, which in turn can be unnattactive. We're "too nice." It looks unbelievable to others, although we know it's genuine.
The penny needs to drop.
Set those healthy boundaries, believe them and yourself.
Stop letting the "child" rule the roost. Be the "adult" and take control and make the decisions. Stop ignoring "red flags"
If all that fails 🤬 it, be alone, but be happy.
12:01 aest. Just to say you are good. Very good.
I 70 years old and never understood myself.
But you described exactly and the why.
I never listened to this stuff before as I thought it crap.
But you nailed it.
Ron
I connected so much with this I just started crying.
I have been single for years now. Before my last gf. It had been years before that one. As I get older it's like I'm less interested in a relationship. All of mine just wasn't enough in one way or another. Like you said I always felt bored. There was a few we had a connection. Just never was enough for me. Now I talk to some women. None of them pull me in. I wished sometiems i could just go with somebody. Enjoy a fun time. I see most everyone else doing that. Part of me is envious of them. Alot of times Im like why do I deserve the kind of relationship I want. I'm not good enough for that. Just be wifh somebody. Stop getting bored. I'm not special at all. Listening to your videos are helping me alot. Thank you. Also when you said we don't want to around alot of people. I totally understand that. When I want to be around a person. I want them around all the time. Most people see that as suffocating. I'm like it does seem that way. I just want them around me all the time. Most times I like we can do whatever you want. I just have to be around you. Also the long term relationships I have done alot.