I got off on the nearest exit of the turnpike from my narcissistic dad's tyranny! I feel better! Taking care of me takes all of my energy, Dad has no right to demand anything from me!
Sounds like my sister. Trying anyway towards my parents. They've recently changed their will. She will still be treated fairly I imagine but she really is the most ungrateful person she's had so much help and forgets so quickly too. They prefer the company of my other sister who is a genuine nice person and doesn't use her children in emotional blackmail because of this apparently they are awful parents who deserve to be berated on Facebook. Sounds like a narc to me...
I just finished watching the video and thought to myself i have well arrived to contempt phase. I used to love my husband of 14yrs, still married to him right now and battling std. I even purchased same medication im taking and went on a recovering journey together. Its been a year since i discovered his cheating and that hes a narc. He just phoned me and tell me a lie about a business trip detail. I know of the detail much earlier but he manipulated and lie to me when he deliver it across.
@@SurvivingNarcissism It's best to get closure from therapy, videos to help you understand what happened; being happy and moving on after re-setting your boundaries after inner child healing
Same- I feel like I'm still trying to make sense of it all, when it doesnt even matter, as I went no contact a year ago..but why do I still try to make sense of something that doesnt make sense at all!?
The nitty gritty begins @ 7:00 min. in! Anyway, my first husband was a severe malignant Narcissist. At about 5-6 years in, I rebelled. He had given me an order to do something (I do not remember specifically what it was, but I DO remember the feeling of scorn, contempt, and disrespect that welled up inside.) Immediately, I decided I was not going to do it. Gals (and guys,) at this point, you need to get out FAST. I didn't, I stayed, and our marriage deteriorated. It deteriorated, and finally he snapped and made two attempts to strangle me! We had consulted with a priest, but at the end of the first hour, he told us that we had a situation that he was not equipped to handle, and referred us to a retired psychiatrist who still accepted clients who were referred to him by our church. He was my guiding light!! He stepped in and immediately helped me to let go. I had reached a sorry point where I actually WANTED to stay in the marriage just to give him some of his medicine back!! We fought bitterly every single day!! But after getting with the right counselor, I was able to let go and get out. You can get hooked on a life situation that's evil in every way!! The earlier (sooner) you get away from your narcissist, the happier and healthier you (and your children) will be!! Children must have a loving, PEACEFUL environment if they are to grow into stable adults!! That is more important than anything else - including your narcissist!!
Lots of counseling and workbooks has given me the tools to survive this. Creating rich, loving relationships outside my home is imperative. His mother lives with us too and she is just like him. They need no relationship with me, I just work for them.
30 years ago I went through my first N relationship - I know that now! When we split I went home to my parents, reconnected with my old friends started playing sport again. An older friend approached me after a match one day and said “it’s taken a year, but it’s lovely to see the old Jaime back at last” It’s taking longer this time bc the most recent ex can’t leave me alone if she sees me, but she is renamed in my phone book as Eris (goddess of strife & discord) and muted everywhere, but I can’t bring myself to reject her completely bc I believe that her behaviour is learnt and masks an intrinsically good person.
@@JamesThomas-zl9er Jaime, I appreciate the goodness of your heart. To want to see good in her, your ex narc. But the bottom line is, she's not good. If she is a narcissist, her only concern is herself and not you or anybody else. She doesn't care about you, bottom line. I think it's hard for us to accept these truths about people we care about who are narcissists. So I think what might be helpful is, even if in your heart you feel differently and you believe that she is good, in your head you must recognize that she is not. Just accept that your head and heart can agree to disagree. Just make sure to guard your heart by siding with your head every time where she is concerned. The best thing for you to become or to return back to who you are, is to get rid of the poison, get rid of the toxic individual. You don't have to have ill feelings toward her, but you do need to put your own emotional and mental welfare first. She is a poison to your central nervous system! This cannot be denied. Nor should it be tolerated.Truthfully, if she were good for you, if she were good to you, if she were honestly a good person, then you would be with her right now. But you made a choice based on logic and Truth - the choice based on what she did to you and how she manipulated you into feeling that you were less than you are. This is not what good people do. If she manipulated you, if she made you feel like you were less valuable, if she minimized her own culpability and pointed of the finger of blame to you instead of taking responsibility for her own bad behavior, these are all evil and malign things, manipulative things that narcissists do to the innocent, to those good people who are trying to help the narcissist. But the narcissist doesn't want your help. Honestly, there's only one person that can help the narcissist - and that is God Himself! It would take an absolute miracle that would involve complete and perfect healing at both the emotional and psychological levels. God bless your tender heart, Jaime..... But do the right thing, guard your heart and if you can, go completely no contact with her or any other narcissist. ♥️
If you sincerely let go of a narcissist, they often leave you alone. Better to be alone than in bad company, I always say. Once you cut off that contact, you can begin to heal and even have a small measure of compassion for how empty and unhappy they must be. Put all that energy you used to put into trying to appease them, trying to understand them and trying to deal with their destructive moods into yourself and your own life and healing. Once you put all the attention back onto yourself, you will begin to reap the rewards.
Yes. I gave up on my narcissistic father a month ago when all he could talk about was the loss of his brother(one of four). Nothing about my loss of uncle/godfather. I rarely saw him, so we weren't close. Dad talked as if I had to feel sorry for him, I didn't matter at all. He's a jerk(Dad)!
just like any abuse victim, we want our pain to be acknowledged by our abuser. The problem is a narc will never do that. Thank you Dr, Les for doing it for us and for giving us the tools to help ourselves. I've seen a lot of u-tubes on narcissism but yours is the best.
Dr. C, Infinite gratitude towards all humanity. Primarily humbling for those who are of service offering assistance sharing when one is ready to accept it. Now go praise and/or thank your self in how or what ever way you feel it's needed! Scent with possibilities being endless~
My experience seems to indicate the contempt of the narc towards their victims is born of jealousy. The contempt victims of narc-abuse feel towards the narc is born of betrayal, the realization that the narc has no moral compass and thinks in a completely alien and evil way.
I feel that my parents were different to me in the way that reptiles are different to mammals, insects are different to birds and amphibians are different to fish!
"I release you. I don't expect anything from you. I don't think you can do anything that would make the situation better. This is the truth and I need to move beyond you" this is acceptance (not forgiveness). Love it. I accept it as it is. I'm ready to move on.
So true n on the point!! Very empowering indeed n the precise words used to communicate n convey the exact message to the narcissist n to ourself ... no running / beating around the bush!! Point blanck accurate!!
Remember your humanity like doc says! And it’s a left handed compliment of sorts “allowing” is I think 🤔 because we are polar opposite and can’t really fathom wtf is going on ...cause we naturally hood peeps :):) yep day it but We can’t allow too long than we are sick If we Know and allow 🧐
@@pjpj3416 Yeah I feel a lot of contempt too. 10 years and a kid later, except my kid is the only upside to the entire thing, it also makes it impossible because I can't just abandon her. My ex-wife constantly gaslights our child, turning her against me. And she's only 3. So yeah, I'm with you. I despise her. I'm not just indifferent and a touch sad; I'm pissed off that this crap NEVER ends, and that she's willing to wrap our daughter up in it. We're separated and the abuse still never stops. I know I need to forgive and move on, but I'm legally blind and she is constantly leveraging it against me. Getting in my face and wont leave, constantly hoping beyond hope that I'll hit her. I wont, but she keeps trying. So I'm trying not to be eaten up inside by the poison I feel towards her. I'm having an incredibly difficult time with this.
The narc was violent against me. I started having contempt for them, and realized I was turning violent toward them as a side effect. That's when I took the child with me and went away. I am much better self now.
And what is even worse is that such contempt becomes , in essence self-contempt. Feeling so stupid, so blind, so naïve, so weak not to stand your ground, to believe in yourself. Your self-betrayal. OK so how am I going to make sure I never let myself become so vulnerable again. One must learn to forgive oneself above all.
antidepressant11 I know I feel contempt for him but didn’t realize I feel contempt for myself. What an idiot I am for being so stupid to think I could live with him and just ignore his craziness?
@@cyndimoring9389 I became a person I did not like. He won for awhile. I am still engaging with him because I was questioning whether I was the narcissist? He is good at what he does.
Melissa Grace the same thing happened to me! I didn't like who I had become: yelling back, mistrusting, blaming & shaming. When I took a good look at myself I knew it was time to go. And then when I learned what narcissism is, I wondereded if I was one. Just like you...this is the fallout from loving these people and expecting to be loved in return. They have spent their lives mastering this manipulation, since they don't believe love is real and they have to work it out of people.
I have good and bad days, I wonder why I never knew this person existed. but then to try to come back after lies, cheating etc. but the solution of no contact and time to heal has led me to the journey of letting go
Forgiveness and my goodness means I’m always a target. I open my heart and I get hurt. I don’t want to be bitter, but I know how people respond to me and my goodness. I’d prefer to be alone. There really is no place for me. As long as I keep that, I’ll be safe.
They believe that they are justified in the way they treat others. They lie, don't respect boundaries, and they hate anyone that questions their behavior and superiority. What you are saying is true. I said terrible things to my ex when we split. I wanted him to know the gravity of what he did and how many people he hurt and I wanted him to FEEL it. But logic took over once I got control of my anger and I truly was sorry and sincerely apologized for the things I said. I saw him as an empty vessel, who would never be able to communicate past 2D and I forgave him in my heart and directed my thoughts to the fact that I never lied to him or cheated on him all the things he did are things I could never do so I did realize that I still had my soul, something he probably would never have without stealing it from a real human. And as I thought about it I actually wished for a healing, not just for myself and other victims, but also for him, that somehow some way he would be able to feel true emotions and heal from his childhood trauma in the future and far away from me. That was the only closure I would ever get and I apologized to myself for believing that I was less than deserving to be treated with love and respect.
Most people here are talking about a spouse or close family member who is their favorite Narc. But I actually have a friend who I have finally figured out is a sneaky-snake Narc! She's smart as a frigging Whip, Very Sarcastic, Witty and sometimes Funny as Hell, BUT also extremely Conniving and Manipulative. Aggressive, intimidating, bullying and a world-class gas-lighter! You are So right about One thing; NO, they DON'T Respect Boundaries!!!!
Return to yourself. Parent and love yourself. Reset your location to your actual current location, and reality-check your life to make sure you are heading your OWN path. Remember, the narcs' intent is to persuade you that the world is the way they see it, that your nice view of it and of your own self is wrong. Understand this is a game for them - your view is incorrect and their view is correct, you should abandon your view and subscribe to their view - remind yourself that everything they do is to achieve this goal, and that from today - you AINT INTERESTED!! You DO KNOW what is right, you knew all along. Go back to that. Contempt plays into their game, and is an admission to and a subscription to the lie.
Steve Wright I so appreciate this wonderful explanation on concentration on one's on reality! You have helped heal me on this journey and I thank you Sir. I will look you up on facebook and RUclips. Galelyn CarterSullivan
Steve wright...Excellent advice...one antidote to narc abuse is, "remember who you are." I never really understood that until i woke up to the decades of narc abuse in my life from my malignant covert narc mother. She fervently wrestled me over the years, to impose, utilizing that IRON NARC WILL of hers, HER worldview *on* me and *of* me; and HER notions of who i am, and who i must be, in order to please her.... in order for her to even think to deign to approve of me..... But, i absolutely refused, and still refuse, to allow any of that in my life. That sick dynamic led to ENDLESS strife between us. Now, finally, im no contact. And at peace! And back to ME. No contact! Its truly a lifesaver.
Thats interesting because, not to be condescending, it's one of the ways I imagine an unsound mind thinks. I would think narcissists are always looking to confirm their nice view of the world and desperately need other people to uphold it. They probably see you as you see them. They know they're right, they've known all along and it's others who want them to subscribe to a flawed sense of reality. So OP and readers, which are you?
Thanks, Dr. Carter. Forgiveness is a lot harder than people realize. Most people think that forgiving my estranged emotionally and financially abusive narc husband and the men who raped me was letting them all off the hook for their actions. That it was the weak choice. It's not. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done but the weight lifted from my soul was worth it. My physical health has improved, too.
Carla the Destructor That is something I need to try to do, forgive. Right now, I have so much contempt for my husband, I can feel that it is weighing me down.
Forgiving is very hard - i tend to think that forgiving involves allowing them in your life again and i know that is NOT true but for me when i try and forgive it still seems to mean the same thing - like allowing them in. I have homework to do i know. Great to hear you are improving and getting grasp of your mental health. Stay strong !
Thank you for this video! It occurred to me while I was hanging onto contempt and anger towards someone who had hurt me terribly, it was like me drinking poison every day-and expecting the other person to die! Ultimately, the best revenge is a life well lived!👍🙏
It took me forever to learn this. I was so confused for years. When I finally understood what she had done and was still doing, I became so angry and tried to fight back. Looking back, I now realize that my hurt, anger and bitterness just made her flourish. I’m happy to say I’m a survivor. She’s still at it, but I’m not her main target at this time.
Recovered from narc father. Now, at 62 years old, realizing that my sister is a narc, too. I know enough to realize that she was damaged more than me. I have extreme empathy for her. But I have cut her from my life. I own my own codependence. Now attempting to become myself. Not an easy road. Forgiving my sister while protecting myself is key. Thank you for your videos, Dr. C.
I completely relate neptunesdrems. I'm 64 and still don't know who I am. I have spent my entire existence being who ever everyone needs me to be. I know I'm not happy but truth be told I really don't know what happy is suppose to look like for me.
For me, happiness is somewhere in the vicinity of being able to cherish and validate myself, without needing those things from others. It is about finding and cherishing my inner child.
You described my situation. I loved her in spite of her hatred of me. I need to forgive her. I thought I had. Not yet. Maybe I just need to heal from our divorce. Blessings.
@Be REAL I found that I needed to honor my righteous anger at my sister before I could forgive her. We must fully feel our anger because our anger is what makes our inner child feel protected. Find your inner mother tiger. You will bounce between fierce anger and love for a while. Then, once your inner child feels protected and strong, you will be able to forgive and heal.
@@neptunesdreams I definitely let my anger control me for a while. I moved away from the house she gave me because I knew the npdad contaminated her with his hatred of me. 5 years trying to see if it was true and it caused me to run into the arms of the devil himself when I knew it was true. I was terrified for a while then again for another few years knowing he had possibly planned my ruin after he was gone. I felt betrayed and angry and still do off and on. I ended up losing everything but at least got my mind back...sometimes. 🌈☁️🏃♀️
I wish I could like this twice. Thank you for what you do. Listening to this today just while I do chores around the house and it feels like free therapy. It's exactly what I need to hear.
Living with a Covert Narc, it's been very difficult. I go from his love bombing stage, to discard every two days or more. He argues till I can't take it. Thank you so much for helping me understand.
Paula SCOTT ..I can relate to your story and when it comes to discarding me , my opinions, my very existence in the house, I go nuts...It hurts sooooooo much when the person I agreed to love til death do us part is nothing more than a fraud, I just want to do something, anything to get rid of the pain...I don’t understand because it hurts and he doesn’t even care one iota..not even a little bit...He is a full on classic covert narcissist and nobody else knows it but me and possibly his former wife...
It's hard not to feel contempt when you finally grasps wtheck's been happening to you! It's equally as hard not to act on that contempt! Treat it as you would any waste material---release it, flush it and move on!
I try so hard to not have “BAR” Bitterness Anger Resentment I tell myself NO BAR!!!! When I feel those negative feelings coming up! It helps me sooooo much 💜
It is a slow process, no doubt because you have good reasons to feel that way. Try to get a good focus on the other qualities that can define you. You're not being asked to deny your BAR, but to re-prioritize. Dr. C
I find going out for a couple of drinks can be a good way to gain respite from those BAR feelings you describe. So my motto is,"have bar to not have bar!".(The motto is great coz it has a 2-pronged benefit.Sometimes I'll get the 2 different "bars" mixed up in my mind, and think it's a saying I designed to help me lower my alcohol intake by working myself up into a rage whenever I feel the impulse to head to the hotel.).
Forgiving another affects our eternal experience. That narc in our lives desperately needs our forgiveness even if they don't think they need it. We are to hate what is evil but not to let the narc's bitterness transfer to us. Best video yet for me, Dr. C. Thanks. ❤
Yes, staying stuck in anger, contempt and disgust is destructive to one's own self. The interesting thing is that watching Dr. C's videos, sometimes repeatedly, helps one get free of those emotions, and that is why they are such effective therapy.
I had known my Narcissist on and off for 45 years. We briefly dated in our twenties after I had become a widow at 24. Eventually ,we both married different people but kept in touch over the years. I never saw any real negative sides of him other than he was quite the player in his 20’s. At age 65 his wife of 34 years passed. I immediately sent my condolences and offered to fly out West to help. This is when his program to assimilate me into his Narcissistic plan began. First he started with the honeymoon phase. He was so affectionate, kind loving. Sweet talking. I didn’t recognize him. He NEVER was that way in our 20’s but I wrote it off to him having been married to a kind woman. Upon my return to the West Coast, several months later to help pack his wife’s items, he started with small little rages. Then after awhile, it was nonstop rages then gaslighting. He drank nonstop morning to night. I just kept locking myself in the guest room while he paced back and forth screaming obscenities at me. I didn’t know about Narcissistic abuse at the time, so thought I was going insane! By the time I left him, I detested him. My love had turned to contempt! Now these 6 years later I’m NO CONTACT and am educated about Narcissistic abuse. I have forgiven him and this Empath is healed and living her best ever.
The narc really highjacks the victim's emotions and thought, he/she does everything possible to enter the victim's head and occupy as much of it's space and energy. It's really a vampire in that sense. And it's so true, the narc enjoys driving the victims into negative emotions, like anger, fear, desperation. I just lately realized how much of my life I spoiled thinking about what's been going on, and also realized how angry I became, how much confidence I lost little by little. This really will help towards freeing myself. I'll keep those words in mind, thank you!
Narcissist mother, surrounded by narcissist musicians all my life and I dated at least 5 narcissists. I thought narcissistic behaviour was normal and I easily tolerated it. I’m 43, single for 7 years and I still have narcissist ex’s trying to tap in to my kindness through decades and across continents . They are now blocked. I’m happy I never picked up this negative mentality but I’ve been deeply effected by their lies and manipulations. I love listening to your clips! Laura - An American that lives in Belfast, Northern Ireland ❤️
If forgiveness means simply releasing someone to God, and not expecting anything from the person at all.....its a doable. But if forgiveness means allowing them back in the vicinity for more damage, .....no way. No can do. Fortunately, when I looked it up in a concordance, it means to turn and walk away, to release, to go the other way, release from obligation, ask not again, pardon, etc. All doable by grace alone. But no access to the inner circle of trust ever, ever, ever again.
daniel6 victory, ty! I went through a time of feeling very down when I thought forgiveness meant forgetting and "reconciliation" I just couldn't go there again. If you don't mind, or you wish to share about this, I'd so welcome it. But what are your thoughts or, do you find in scripture about the Ns OSAS, like if they remain as cruel and never change, are they still going to heaven do you think? Or, will they be kinder in Heaven, like no longer spinning lies and nightmares around their targets because God won't allow them to do that to everyone anymore? It use to frighten me to think of them in heaven, to the point that I was afraid to turn to God even.
@@coffeebarista1771 thanks for yr reply. will check scripture that can help and post them here. - -FORGIVENESS DOES NOT MEAN TRUST. to live w/out toxic narcs in the inner circle is our right and duty and also necessary to stay alive. blessings 😎
@@coffeebarista1771 Don't really know that I believe in a Heaven. But if there is one, do you really think that any Narc would EVER be allowed in??Hmmm? Narcs are by nature Un-repentant creatures who have NO Conscious!!!
I really needed to hear this video today, and there it was in my feed. I’m angry with myself this morning for allowing my narc SIL to steal 45-minutes of my day yesterday (on the phone) with a new development in her victim narrative. I’m angry at myself for listening, instead of putting up a boundary, or making up an excuse to get off the phone! As many of you have already said, Dr. C shares the most useful information on everrything-narcissist. We can only change ourselves (grow)-the narcs will never change-the work is ours. That’s some honest tough-love right there. Thank you, Dr. Carter!
Indifference is a beautiful thing - this takes time! I believe we all need time to process our experiences. Allow yourself to feel it all and get it out - I liken it to draining a septic wound. Getting away from toxic people is key. Once you are able to do so, you can process what has happened and learn to never ever repeat. I wish nothing but the best to all going through their individual healing paths - it only gets better, promise. Strive for indifference - one day it will appear 💙
Indifference is so much of a better word than forgiveness. Why do we keep trying to change the understood meaning of forgiveness when we can use better words. Indifference, release, etc...
thanks, I think I understand in a sad way what you mean...but is there joy again somewhere along the road to recovery? Indifference sounds like a lonely road
@@joannaday907 wow that is some pretty brutal pain one must face..."soul destroying loneliness" I think I know what that feels like sadly. However, I'm sure glad I know Jesus because He loves me just the way I am. Praise God. Shalom thanks for the words
Okay. Sixty years spent in psychiatric hospitals, E.R.’s from suicide attempts, Conversion Disorder that made me an invalid bed-ridden and in a wheelchair and in double diapers at 40, loss of an eye from two assaults with permanent facial nerve damage and thousands of psychiatric medications to name a few things, from parental, family and a multitude of strangers abusing me for their own gain is a lot to be overcome. They put you in such dangerous, life-threatening situations an awful lot too. How could they enjoy watching you in agony and then contribute to it with more of their narcissistic abuse? My narcissistic mother told me that the family wanted me to kill myself even and told me repeatedly to do it. The contempt and hatred towards these people can be consuming. I don’t know how I can overcome such extreme trauma but these videos help me some. There’s no help out there for people with little money. Thank you Dr. Carter for giving us this help free of charge. God Bless to all targets of Narcissism.
This is very powerful!! I never quite got it when people would say "forgive", I had felt it was an additional burden put on my responsability. The fact is that often, people in spirituality don't seem to be bothered by people who hurt others, but actually blame the victims and give all kind of excuses to the agressor. I consider that the victim suffers twice, once with the agressor, and then with the people telling you that you're responsible for the agressor's actions. Dr. Les' explanation explains this idea in such a clear and healthy way. This is really very helpful!
Exactly, I am going through that right now. I disconnected from the narc due to a lot of betrayal and abuse and now his religious flying monkeys are saying I dont know how to forgive and love, that I dont know compassion and I can possibly go to hell if I dont accept the person back into my life.. 😏😞
For 40 years, I couldn't understand why I was so sad, so miserable in my marriage. With your videos, Dr. C., I finally understood what was going on (covert narcissism). But yet I still struggle with the anger that often wells up in me as I "put the puzzle pieces together", recalling the moments when he treated me with indifference, lied to me, the deception, etc. I do not like this feeling of anger. I desire to forgive and move on. I try to be cordial. But my anger and even disgust get stirred up when he says something ridiculous that shows he still "doesn't get it". We are separated; divorced soon. But I must have regular contact with him because of our disabled adult son. I would love to be done with him; move on. The pain, the anger that gets stirred up all over again drains me.. It has affected my health, too. I will try to apply Dr. C's suggestions (to forgive, etc.), but I'm finding it's an ongoing struggle. I'm so tired.
The passive aggressive’s abuse can be implied insults, the arrogant cold stare of entitlement, and denial of involvement or instigation, acceptance of wrong doing or responsibilities...I am also too tired to continue to fight, because it’s easier to have contempt and walk or run away from the pain....
Thank you for this video. I had an experience this evening with my husband that left me in tears. Frustrated, exhausted, spent.. fed up. I’m in a process of an exit plan and the days that I spend indulging the “norm” are eating me alive until this exit plan can come to fruition. I sat alone after the encounter, rapid cycling from anger to overwhelmed back to anger again. Tears flooded my being, but nothing was coming out as the sheer rage that was building inside me blocked any release. I retreated to a private room, had everything ready for a good scream, and instead was brought to my knees in a kind of defeat I hadn’t felt in a long while. I softly spoke out loud how angry I was. How everything about this person repulsed me. How I want nothing more in this moment than to be completely rid of this toxicity and get out of the environment. The tears were able to flow freely. I could feel my heart beat. I sensed the person I had lost trying to manage its way back into the driver seat. I sat there, our dog tirelessly trying to lick my face, and faced the fact that this is NOT the kind of person I want to be. I don’t want to harbor such negative emotions ( although valid) towards another human. It’s not a natural thing in my mind, it doesn’t make me feel any better. I returned to the dirty kitchen where I was needed , started the dishes, and this video popped up. There is a gold brick of wisdom within this message that I whole heartedly needed and thank you and God for putting into my space. I needed to hear this, and it’s crucial to my sanity right now. So thank you. Thank you for providing such content for myself and people like me who hold contempt for the narc in their life. The most meaningful part was the forgiveness piece. That it’s not about what THEY deserve, but about MY peace. That truly hit home. And I needed that reminder today. Thank you so much.
I've been holding onto my bitterness for YEARS and it did change my personality! This is good stuff. We need to know how to recover from a Narcissist - thank you!
Contempt and hatred are saving my life. Earlier there was only pain. I was almost dead. Almost hospital wards my entire life. Now I am resurrecting. And this thanks to hatred and contempt against the people who almost killed me.
Spot on, Dr Carter! Another great video. Living in contempt & resentment doesn’t help anyone. Don’t give the narcissist that kind of satisfaction. Focus on yourself & live the life you intend!!
I knew there were many things wrong with the X. He spoke inappropriately, acted improperly, sexually inappropriate, did everything inappropriately. I had to get rid of him. After the split, I've never dated again because I can't take the chance. I needed to feel safe and sane.
Yep, safe and sane....I crave that again, no contact can actually feel more like stalking, cause you know they're hanging around in the background most places they know you go....it feels less safe in a way
@@cathrynestone260 I'm glad you removed yourself from the unhealthy relationship and you're fine living on your own. Be safe and God bless you as well!
Christine Haigh I left my ex 7.5 years ago at 49. I’ve yet to date anyone. I am terrified of experiencing that pain again. I’m in therapy, I’ve grown a lot, and healed some. But I’m a social hermit, a shell of the gregarious and confident woman I once was. I work long hours and love living alone. I doubt I will ever be in a relationship again. I’m not as angry as I once was. I’m not as afraid of the world outside my door as I once was. But I have a long way to go to find a way to trust people again. I wish you luck and peace and self love in your journey. ❤️
You will not get there thru hate, friend. Trust me on that one. But at the same time, you do not need to like them. You get there because you finally realize you are worth it and you have a purpose. Do not let anyone distract you from that.
It’s about forgiveness, forgive them but you do not need to forget how you were treated. Remembering how you were treated will hopefully protect you as you move foward-so it doesn’t happen again. Forgive them, let go of it but don’t forget it happened. Excellent video Dr. Carter, very important message. Thank you. It is very hard to not have contempt because of the tremendous pain caused.
Letting go, that's the last and hardest step. Don't waste your life, raging at these lunatics. Don't let them poision your life. They don't even deserve to be in your head and your heart... It's not easy, letting go, but I'm working on it.
I have been through the whole spectrum of emotion toward my narcissists and am surprised that I am now at a place of compassion and forgiveness---- but not forsaking my boundaries. It's very curious and also very liberating.
Everything you've said here, Dr. C, makes perfect sense. I think my feelings of being stuck and unsure of myself has a lot to do with the length of time I've been in my marriage. I've forgotten who I was before this relationship, and I'm just so physically and emotionally tired. I also spent so many years trying to please my narc, that I forgot to make myself a priority. All these things have to be relearned, and I do wonder if I still can.
I have to say that to get stronger after the narcissistic abuse is one thing.The other is to find someone who isn't narc and as we know because we live it in our skin morality is not something that people respect.They discuse themselves as good people just to lead us to the trap.We are not from stone and when you have been burned 3-4 times it's not easy to try again-espesially when you see what is happening around you also.Thank you Dr Carter
Thanks for that refreshing view point. I often get stuck in that contemptuous close loop and realized its only residual self abuse from the narcissistic experience. I believe it becomes evident after your post traumatic experience relaxes and you have more peace and clarity in your mind. This video made me realize I have to snap out of the cycle of contempt and aspire to grow myself in a more positive fashion. Thank you
Thank you for your videos.I am 48 and finally figured out my parents are severe narcissist's. Struggled my whole life and now with their age and financial things the truth of their depravity is sickning. Yours and other videos have been helpful in retaining my character and seeing through all the fog.When you realize you were just a toy in a dog's mouth by your own family contempt is massive.
Best advice I’ve ever heard: “Release that person from the hope of restitution.” It’s a pretty solid definition of forgiveness in actuality because forgiveness is supposed to keep you on the same level so no one owes you anything. But I take this as exhuming all expectations of this person earning back their withstanding from you. You expect as little from them as possible, but not necessarily in a cold way. It’s more like forgiving them from the duty of earning expectation which more in turn releases you rather than them. I like that.
Especially if you have been abused I think it's perfectly normal to feel righteous anger. But the narcissist will never give you any kind of apology. You have to let things go for your own peace of mind. Moving forward each day, living a beautiful life! That's the balm for your soul💜🌈💜
Gaining back my identity and knowing it is good was a huge step for me. I had lost myself and had zero self confidence. It took me about 4 years of work to regain that feeling.
Just rise above these a holes and never lower yourself to there level. Arguing with a narcissist is like arguing with a drunk! Does no good only makes it worse.
Yes. Everything he said is how I feel about my narcissistic husband after 43 years of marriage. Most of my life had been his life, not mine. Not now. I’m new. I’m free.
I really didn't have a choice about forgiveness. My narc spouse died of cancer, and I experienced something I didn't expect over the course of his dying -- pity. I spent years being angry (contempt is the perfect word) at the way he behaved, not just toward me; he alienated everyone. Once he was gone, I decided to forgive him. I suffered from PTSD and would jump at every sound. I had to let it go. So I sold the house, moved into a new one and started a wonderful new life. 24 years was more than enough to sacrifice. Now I hope that reincarnation is a real thing and that he was reborn to parents that were loving and normal. Narcs don't get that way all by themselves.
Only it’s my daughter. So difficult. I got away from her only to find out she’s inflicting my grandkids with her constant premeditated deadly drama. Yes I stepped back into the arena. You have helped me so much. Thank you.
Forgiveness is choosing to move on from people, places, situations and circumstances which brought pain, sorrow, grief and cut off the emotional cords of pain, contempt, disdain and repulsion from them.
I choose to disagree with the recommendation to forgive the narcissist. By judging them with feelings of contempt, I am reminding myself what they are. I will never treat them as anything but an enemy even if I must be polite to them on a day to day basis.
Forgiveness can really only be given to someone who asks for it. Narcs dont think there is anything to forgive so how can you forgive them something that doesnt exist in their mind...save your forgiveness for your own beautiful self..x
I know that forgiveness comes with loving yourself and letting go of the trash they tried to put on us. But being reconciled to someone is not the same as forgiveness I would never be reconciled to a rapist the pain is too deep they are Judas in my eyes they come to steal my precious life
But I can forgive it because of the power of the cross. That way I get to start all over again as if it never even happened to me and those people? Their end is destruction!
When dealing with a malignant narc, I have felt self-pity for what I went through, and despair at times wondering how I was going to get out of the situation. I'm pretty much over the contempt, sometimes feeling resentment, but realize holding on to that feeling only keeps me stuck, and that's exactly what he would be hoping for...his influence wrecking my life further. I have healed from being in a toxic relationship bc I have told myself so. I have released thoughts, emotions, and put the experience in the past. I have risen to greater heights to get a broader view of life. I am grateful that I am free. After enduring so much chaos, the only thing I want is peace. ☮️
My God DR. Carter you do have patience! I was going to be a therapist but realized I don't do crazy. Went to teaching instead. Loved it. Children don't know any better. I figure anyone over thirty should know right from wrong.
My aunt, who reads the Bible a lot, said that bitterness grows roots and spreads out. Do you want to be the better person who affects others with your bitterness? And the bitterness ruins you
true. dont let toxic ppl grow roots in u. hand toxic ppl to the lord in prayer. he w deal with them. much better. i have had toxic ppl get back to me after a while and apologise for their venom after i had prayed for them. but they did not change it was just once. an apology and thats it.
Yes because we are imperfect and need Christ Jesus and the Father and Holy Spirit in our lives to sheild us from the damage. We are only human. Otherwise we revert to what is only natural and normal to feel that way and have to retrain our brain. It is difficult and harder than a dog learning new tricks. We are human and have to walk away. The department injustices is not on my side. I was framed and beaten thrown in jail and evidence exfoliated while incarcerated.
Connda Pierce yes bitterness can corrupt many. Your Aunt is right. This is one way the narc affects many people. They inject bitterness if we allow them we poison ourselves with rumination and by letting that bitterness affect our choices and other relationships. It has roots and grows.
Yes they do wake us up ! Love that! Our enemies are our footstools. Actually your enemies will improve you and grow you the most by giving you the opportunity to overcome emotions and evil. They actually put life into perspective and teach us a lot more about ourselves and people than our friends many times. We need our enemies.
I know I have healed when I dont talk about it much any more, it was awful having that obsession. I realized they are just messed up people and glad to be away from it. I am glad to be enjoying life and not wasting my time on these people any more.
The best revenge I got is I am 😁 HAPPY. Drives the Narcissist 🥜. Took a long time time to recover from the abuse. Now if I have to be around him, he is unable to gaslight me. He is the one that leaves even angrier because he couldn't ruin my time! HA. I just laugh to myself and never stop smiling.
Thank you Dr. for recommending "Pain - the Gift Nobody Wants". I will work on gentleness toward the people in my life, even the narcs. They may never change, but I will not allow them to drag me down with them.
I listen to this diamond again and again when any contempt creeps in. Your advice is splendid. I also practice Ho’oponopono to forgive and release. I prefer to let go with love. Contempt does keep you trapped. I’m forever in Gratitude for your help and advice. It’s life changing. I want peace post narcissist. It also helps me deal with the ones still in my life. They don’t bother me now. I seldom see them and thanks to you I fully understand they seldom change. Thankyou 🌞
I used to call my sister narc "The Queen," but not to her face, of course. Holding onto bitterness, resentment, and unforgiveness is like swallowing poison and expecting the one who hurt you to die.
I am working thru the after effects of the range of emotions with my ex narc.....emotional acid...what a great term! Another great teaching...thank you Dr. Carter
You learn and enhance yourself with negative lessons learnt from a narcissistic in terms of viewing your experiences, self and the world from another perspective!
Keeping that strong sense of self is critical to a good quality of life. Forgiveness is clearing out those old feelings to allow for a cultivation of the awesomeness that us Empaths have.
I just bought your book on Barnes and Noble! I appreciate your insightful analysis. It's totally helping me through a challenging time. Thank you Dr. Les! ✌💜😊🙏
Is so hard to not argue when the person is constantly insulting you in subtle ways and blame you for their "misfortune". Send him to hell and done. Pisses me off!
I think forgiveness begins with forgiving ourselves for letting the narcissist treat us like that, we won’t let them anymore.
Yes! Dr. C
The disease to please! Please heal from it. You are a narcissists wet dream if you are an empath people pleaser
I got off on the nearest exit of the turnpike from my narcissistic dad's tyranny! I feel better! Taking care of me takes all of my energy, Dad has no right to demand anything from me!
They will do their best to empty you out physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and financially. And of course it will be all your fault.
yep, mine took me for about a million over 24 years. $350,000 the day I walked away....He is someone else's problem now.
And they will (of course) expect you to apologize.
Sounds like my sister. Trying anyway towards my parents. They've recently changed their will. She will still be treated fairly I imagine but she really is the most ungrateful person she's had so much help and forgets so quickly too. They prefer the company of my other sister who is a genuine nice person and doesn't use her children in emotional blackmail because of this apparently they are awful parents who deserve to be berated on Facebook. Sounds like a narc to me...
@@cathyclark5081 I thought I was the only one...
Couldn’t have said it better!
You will never get closure from a narcissist. An apology or sincerity will never happen. Let it go. Every day I do my best to live in the present.
Correct. Closure won't happen, but healing can still happen. Dr. C
I just finished watching the video and thought to myself i have well arrived to contempt phase. I used to love my husband of 14yrs, still married to him right now and battling std. I even purchased same medication im taking and went on a recovering journey together. Its been a year since i discovered his cheating and that hes a narc. He just phoned me and tell me a lie about a business trip detail. I know of the detail much earlier but he manipulated and lie to me when he deliver it across.
Sometimes they apologize, but it is an empty one. They don't plan on changing.
@@mrtwister9002 Just like samantha markle and her fake apologies for publicly abusing her sister over two years
@@SurvivingNarcissism It's best to get closure from therapy, videos to help you understand what happened; being happy and moving on after re-setting your boundaries after inner child healing
I resent him for the time I wasted and can’t get back. For believing maybe it was “all in my head”, I nearly lost myself during all this.
Same- I feel like I'm still trying to make sense of it all, when it doesnt even matter, as I went no contact a year ago..but why do I still try to make sense of something that doesnt make sense at all!?
The nitty gritty begins @ 7:00 min. in! Anyway, my first husband was a severe malignant Narcissist. At about 5-6 years in, I rebelled. He had given me an order to do something (I do not remember specifically what it was, but I DO remember the feeling of scorn, contempt, and disrespect that welled up inside.) Immediately, I decided I was not going to do it. Gals (and guys,) at this point, you need to get out FAST. I didn't, I stayed, and our marriage deteriorated. It deteriorated, and finally he snapped and made two attempts to strangle me! We had consulted with a priest, but at the end of the first hour, he told us that we had a situation that he was not equipped to handle, and referred us to a retired psychiatrist who still accepted clients who were referred to him by our church. He was my guiding light!! He stepped in and immediately helped me to let go. I had reached a sorry point where I actually WANTED to stay in the marriage just to give him some of his medicine back!! We fought bitterly every single day!! But after getting with the right counselor, I was able to let go and get out. You can get hooked on a life situation that's evil in every way!! The earlier (sooner) you get away from your narcissist, the happier and healthier you (and your children) will be!! Children must have a loving, PEACEFUL environment if they are to grow into stable adults!! That is more important than anything else - including your narcissist!!
Nancy Ayers I wish I had gotten out sooner.
Same
My Ex drove me to the brink of suicide. I ghosted him. 🍒
It really does get better with time. The more you rebuild your own life and stay away from them, the less anger and resentment there is.
Agreed. Dr. C
Thanks for that that..it shows shinning future!!!!
I’m relieved to hear it
Yes. Removing the narcissist from your life removes stress!! Life is peaceful without them around!
Lots of counseling and workbooks has given me the tools to survive this. Creating rich, loving relationships outside my home is imperative. His mother lives with us too and she is just like him. They need no relationship with me, I just work for them.
Great one. The acid is seeping out. It is amazing how another person can change who you are. I want my sunny self back.
30 years ago I went through my first N relationship - I know that now! When we split I went home to my parents, reconnected with my old friends started playing sport again. An older friend approached me after a match one day and said “it’s taken a year, but it’s lovely to see the old Jaime back at last”
It’s taking longer this time bc the most recent ex can’t leave me alone if she sees me, but she is renamed in my phone book as Eris (goddess of strife & discord) and muted everywhere, but I can’t bring myself to reject her completely bc I believe that her behaviour is learnt and masks an intrinsically good person.
@@JamesThomas-zl9er Jaime, I appreciate the goodness of your heart. To want to see good in her, your ex narc. But the bottom line is, she's not good. If she is a narcissist, her only concern is herself and not you or anybody else. She doesn't care about you, bottom line. I think it's hard for us to accept these truths about people we care about who are narcissists. So I think what might be helpful is, even if in your heart you feel differently and you believe that she is good, in your head you must recognize that she is not. Just accept that your head and heart can agree to disagree. Just make sure to guard your heart by siding with your head every time where she is concerned. The best thing for you to become or to return back to who you are, is to get rid of the poison, get rid of the toxic individual. You don't have to have ill feelings toward her, but you do need to put your own emotional and mental welfare first. She is a poison to your central nervous system! This cannot be denied. Nor should it be tolerated.Truthfully, if she were good for you, if she were good to you, if she were honestly a good person, then you would be with her right now. But you made a choice based on logic and Truth - the choice based on what she did to you and how she manipulated you into feeling that you were less than you are. This is not what good people do. If she manipulated you, if she made you feel like you were less valuable, if she minimized her own culpability and pointed of the finger of blame to you instead of taking responsibility for her own bad behavior, these are all evil and malign things, manipulative things that narcissists do to the innocent, to those good people who are trying to help the narcissist. But the narcissist doesn't want your help. Honestly, there's only one person that can help the narcissist - and that is God Himself! It would take an absolute miracle that would involve complete and perfect healing at both the emotional and psychological levels.
God bless your tender heart, Jaime..... But do the right thing, guard your heart and if you can, go completely no contact with her or any other narcissist. ♥️
just a quote to share: forgiveness does not mean trust.
Yes indeed. I agree, and thank you. Dr. C
Nor being a target of FURTHER abuse.
And it doesn't mean reconciliation either. Even the Bible backs that.
Nor does it mean absolution.
UN- DILUTED . I guess the only forgiveness to deal with first is to ourselves...then, maybe then the forgiveness towards them pops in easier .
If you sincerely let go of a narcissist, they often leave you alone. Better to be alone than in bad company, I always say. Once you cut off that contact, you can begin to heal and even have a small measure of compassion for how empty and unhappy they must be. Put all that energy you used to put into trying to appease them, trying to understand them and trying to deal with their destructive moods into yourself and your own life and healing. Once you put all the attention back onto yourself, you will begin to reap the rewards.
Yes. I gave up on my narcissistic father a month ago when all he could talk about was the loss of his brother(one of four). Nothing about my loss of uncle/godfather. I rarely saw him, so we weren't close. Dad talked as if I had to feel sorry for him, I didn't matter at all. He's a jerk(Dad)!
just like any abuse victim, we want our pain to be acknowledged by our abuser. The problem is a narc will never do that. Thank you Dr, Les for doing it for us and for giving us the tools to help ourselves. I've seen a lot of u-tubes on narcissism but yours is the best.
Thanks for these good words. Dr. C
Cyndi Moring k
yes soooo true They will never understand their victims They cant
Yes, and I could never afford to see a doctor. I thank you for these videos, I'm starting to feel normal again.
Definitely, he is the best! He is salve for the soul! It's an honor to listen to him! ✨✨✨✨✨
My understanding of forgiveness is this: Let go of the need to retaliate.
I never understood why I felt so much resentment, Well, now I know why.
Ha ha oh lord
My resentment was labeled as the problem.
Dr Les without exception you are the very best expert in articulating these concepts. Thank you.
Wow! Many thanks. Dr. C
Yes, he is.
Dr. C,
Infinite gratitude towards all humanity.
Primarily humbling for those who are of service offering assistance sharing when one is ready to accept it.
Now go praise and/or thank your self in how or what ever way you feel it's needed!
Scent with possibilities being endless~
Agreed.
Yes, so true! I am new to his channel. He is on point. Love his channel already. Just subed!
The contempt I felt about my narcassists was partially at myself for being gullible and spineless for so many years.
I agree. It's definitely a 2 way street. They do it and we allowed it to happen over and over. Thankfully I have awakened.
I definitely felt contempt for my ex narc all the time at the end.
Dad hates me for no reason at all. He hates that I am female, he is sarcastic, misognystic, sadistic and dismissive of my feelings. He's a jerk!
My experience seems to indicate the contempt of the narc towards their victims is born of jealousy. The contempt victims of narc-abuse feel towards the narc is born of betrayal, the realization that the narc has no moral compass and thinks in a completely alien and evil way.
Yes, as always Uncle, thanks for your good insight. Dr. C
Very good observation...I totally agree with it.
Narc friends are always jealous... They're not happy if you are.
Wow, that really does seem to be the case. I would say insecurity but jealousy is from insecurity
I feel that my parents were different to me in the way that reptiles are different to mammals, insects are different to birds and amphibians are different to fish!
"I release you. I don't expect anything from you. I don't think you can do anything that would make the situation better. This is the truth and I need to move beyond you" this is acceptance (not forgiveness). Love it. I accept it as it is. I'm ready to move on.
I release you...yes. Dr. C
So true n on the point!!
Very empowering indeed n the precise words used to communicate n convey the exact message to the narcissist n to ourself ...
no running / beating around the bush!! Point blanck accurate!!
Battling with these feelings right now.
Just feeling drained and withdrawn to be honest, no motivation to do anything! .
Now that I know I’ve entered a state of anger and near depression. I’m so mad at myself for allowing this behavior
Remember your humanity like doc says!
And it’s a left handed compliment of sorts “allowing” is I think 🤔 because we are polar opposite and can’t really fathom wtf is going on ...cause we naturally hood peeps :):) yep day it but
We can’t allow too long than we are sick
If we Know and allow 🧐
This is how I realized there was a BIG problem. It was my awakening.
You had no idea who that person really was when you met.
The self-directed contempt stems from, ‘I ignored the inner voice and warning signs’... I can’t choose well...
Yes, as opposed to the voice saying, It's time for me to take my lessons-learned and move forward. Dr. C
No contempt, just indifference with a dash of pity.
Well I have a lot of contempt, I am mentally drained from all those long years of abuse and bullshit. Ugh!!!
Pity is how they get to us and our empathy to abuse us. Jealous contempt is their m.o.
@@pjpj3416 Yeah I feel a lot of contempt too. 10 years and a kid later, except my kid is the only upside to the entire thing, it also makes it impossible because I can't just abandon her. My ex-wife constantly gaslights our child, turning her against me. And she's only 3. So yeah, I'm with you. I despise her. I'm not just indifferent and a touch sad; I'm pissed off that this crap NEVER ends, and that she's willing to wrap our daughter up in it. We're separated and the abuse still never stops.
I know I need to forgive and move on, but I'm legally blind and she is constantly leveraging it against me. Getting in my face and wont leave, constantly hoping beyond hope that I'll hit her. I wont, but she keeps trying.
So I'm trying not to be eaten up inside by the poison I feel towards her. I'm having an incredibly difficult time with this.
The narc was violent against me. I started having contempt for them, and realized I was turning violent toward them as a side effect. That's when I took the child with me and went away. I am much better self now.
That is so righteously appropriate. Their trademarks are contempt. We must not join them.
But they count on that from empaths.@Mary C
It also shows how human we all are.. maybe it is not so weird that there are narcisists
And what is even worse is that such contempt becomes , in essence self-contempt. Feeling so stupid, so blind, so naïve, so weak not to stand your ground, to believe in yourself. Your self-betrayal. OK so how am I going to make sure I never let myself become so vulnerable again. One must learn to forgive oneself above all.
Quite true. Thanks for your good comments. Dr. C
antidepressant11 I know I feel contempt for him but didn’t realize I feel contempt for myself. What an idiot I am for being so stupid to think I could live with him and just ignore his craziness?
Forgive yourself first! Then maybe them.
Mantra of liberation: I release you, I let you go in peace! You can get out of my life, I don't need you anymore!
I spent 2 yrs thinking I could get back at him and being miserable. I am so happy to have myself back.
Wonderful words! Dr. C
Melissa Grace revenge is what they do to others, but I think about it anyway:)
@@cyndimoring9389 I became a person I did not like. He won for awhile. I am still engaging with him because I was questioning whether I was the narcissist? He is good at what he does.
Melissa Grace the same thing happened to me! I didn't like who I had become: yelling back, mistrusting, blaming & shaming. When I took a good look at myself I knew it was time to go. And then when I learned what narcissism is, I wondereded if I was one. Just like you...this is the fallout from loving these people and expecting to be loved in return. They have spent their lives mastering this manipulation, since they don't believe love is real and they have to work it out of people.
@@cyndimoring9389 Thank you for this!
I have good and bad days, I wonder why I never knew this person existed. but then to try to come back after lies, cheating etc. but the solution of no contact and time to heal has led me to the journey of letting go
Indeed it is a journey. Dr. C
Forgiveness is releasing the person from an expectation of restitution. A very practical interpretation. Thanks so much, Dr. C.
Forgiveness and my goodness means I’m always a target. I open my heart and I get hurt. I don’t want to be bitter, but I know how people respond to me and my goodness. I’d prefer to be alone. There really is no place for me. As long as I keep that, I’ll be safe.
Forgiveness leads narcissists getting their karma. That negative energy built up inside you goes right back to its origin
Dr Carter, you have a glow, you are so inspiring. I hope you know how much you help many of us!!!
Thank you! Dr. C
They believe that they are justified in the way they treat others. They lie, don't respect boundaries, and they hate anyone that questions their behavior and superiority.
What you are saying is true. I said terrible things to my ex when we split. I wanted him to know the gravity of what he did and how many people he hurt and I wanted him to FEEL it. But logic took over once I got control of my anger and I truly was sorry and sincerely apologized for the things I said.
I saw him as an empty vessel, who would never be able to communicate past 2D and I forgave him in my heart and directed my thoughts to the fact that I never lied to him or cheated on him all the things he did are things I could never do so I did realize that I still had my soul, something he probably would never have without stealing it from a real human. And as I thought about it I actually wished for a healing, not just for myself and other victims, but also for him, that somehow some way he would be able to feel true emotions and heal from his childhood trauma in the future and far away from me.
That was the only closure I would ever get and I apologized to myself for believing that I was less than deserving to be treated with love and respect.
Most people here are talking about a spouse or close family member who is their favorite Narc. But I actually have a friend who I have finally figured out is a sneaky-snake Narc! She's smart as a frigging Whip, Very Sarcastic, Witty and sometimes Funny as Hell, BUT also extremely Conniving and Manipulative. Aggressive, intimidating, bullying and a world-class gas-lighter! You are So right about One thing; NO, they DON'T Respect Boundaries!!!!
Return to yourself. Parent and love yourself. Reset your location to your actual current location, and reality-check your life to make sure you are heading your OWN path. Remember, the narcs' intent is to persuade you that the world is the way they see it, that your nice view of it and of your own self is wrong. Understand this is a game for them - your view is incorrect and their view is correct, you should abandon your view and subscribe to their view - remind yourself that everything they do is to achieve this goal, and that from today - you AINT INTERESTED!! You DO KNOW what is right, you knew all along. Go back to that. Contempt plays into their game, and is an admission to and a subscription to the lie.
Very well stated. Thank you. Dr. C
Steve Wright I so appreciate this wonderful explanation on concentration on one's on reality! You have helped heal me on this journey and I thank you Sir. I will look you up on facebook and RUclips. Galelyn CarterSullivan
Steve wright...Excellent advice...one antidote to narc abuse is, "remember who you are." I never really understood that until i woke up to the decades of narc abuse in my life from my malignant covert narc mother. She fervently wrestled me over the years, to impose, utilizing that IRON NARC WILL of hers, HER worldview *on* me and *of* me; and HER notions of who i am, and who i must be, in order to please her.... in order for her to even think to deign to approve of me.....
But, i absolutely refused, and still refuse, to allow any of that in my life. That sick dynamic led to ENDLESS strife between us.
Now, finally, im no contact. And at peace! And back to ME.
No contact! Its truly a lifesaver.
That's perfect. Wonderfully said
Thats interesting because, not to be condescending, it's one of the ways I imagine an unsound mind thinks. I would think narcissists are always looking to confirm their nice view of the world and desperately need other people to uphold it. They probably see you as you see them. They know they're right, they've known all along and it's others who want them to subscribe to a flawed sense of reality.
So OP and readers, which are you?
Thanks, Dr. Carter.
Forgiveness is a lot harder than people realize. Most people think that forgiving my estranged emotionally and financially abusive narc husband and the men who raped me was letting them all off the hook for their actions.
That it was the weak choice. It's not.
It was one of the hardest things I've ever done but the weight lifted from my soul was worth it. My physical health has improved, too.
Carla the Destructor That is something I need to try to do, forgive. Right now, I have so much contempt for my husband, I can feel that it is weighing me down.
Forgiving is very hard - i tend to think that forgiving involves
allowing them in your life again and i know that is NOT true but for me when i try and forgive it still seems to mean the same thing - like allowing them in. I have homework to do i know. Great to hear you are improving and getting grasp of your mental health. Stay strong !
@@OceanSound100 someone wisely said: forgiveness does not mean trust.
And forgiveness isn't saying what they did is okay.
@@annettebatts2849 It takes time. Don't rush it. I still get angry but I don't carry it around 24/7 anymore.
Thank you for this video! It occurred to me while I was hanging onto contempt and anger towards someone who had hurt me terribly, it was like me drinking poison every day-and expecting the other person to die! Ultimately, the best revenge is a life well lived!👍🙏
I changed the name in my phone for the narcissist in my life to "Kryptonite". It helps to remind/mentally prepare for the gaslighting.
Block and delete the number.
"Kryptonite" seems fair. 👍
😂😂😂😂😂
I just did this for the Narcs I can’t block!
It took me forever to learn this. I was so confused for years. When I finally understood what she had done and was still doing, I became so angry and tried to fight back. Looking back, I now realize that my hurt, anger and bitterness just made her flourish. I’m happy to say I’m a survivor. She’s still at it, but I’m not her main target at this time.
Recovered from narc father. Now, at 62 years old, realizing that my sister is a narc, too. I know enough to realize that she was damaged more than me. I have extreme empathy for her. But I have cut her from my life. I own my own codependence. Now attempting to become myself. Not an easy road. Forgiving my sister while protecting myself is key. Thank you for your videos, Dr. C.
I completely relate neptunesdrems. I'm 64 and still don't know who I am. I have spent my entire existence being who ever everyone needs me to be. I know I'm not happy but truth be told I really don't know what happy is suppose to look like for me.
For me, happiness is somewhere in the vicinity of being able to cherish and validate myself, without needing those things from others. It is about finding and cherishing my inner child.
You described my situation. I loved her in spite of her hatred of me. I need to forgive her. I thought I had. Not yet. Maybe I just need to heal from our divorce. Blessings.
@Be REAL I found that I needed to honor my righteous anger at my sister before I could forgive her. We must fully feel our anger because our anger is what makes our inner child feel protected. Find your inner mother tiger. You will bounce between fierce anger and love for a while. Then, once your inner child feels protected and strong, you will be able to forgive and heal.
@@neptunesdreams I definitely let my anger control me for a while. I moved away from the house she gave me because I knew the npdad contaminated her with his hatred of me. 5 years trying to see if it was true and it caused me to run into the arms of the devil himself when I knew it was true. I was terrified for a while then again for another few years knowing he had possibly planned my ruin after he was gone. I felt betrayed and angry and still do off and on. I ended up losing everything but at least got my mind back...sometimes. 🌈☁️🏃♀️
I wish I could like this twice. Thank you for what you do. Listening to this today just while I do chores around the house and it feels like free therapy. It's exactly what I need to hear.
Living with a Covert Narc, it's been very difficult. I go from his love bombing stage, to discard every two days or more. He argues till I can't take it. Thank you so much for helping me understand.
Paula SCOTT ..I can relate to your story and when it comes to discarding me , my opinions, my very existence in the house, I go nuts...It hurts sooooooo much when the person I agreed to love til death do us part is nothing more than a fraud, I just want to do something, anything to get rid of the pain...I don’t understand because it hurts and he doesn’t even care one iota..not even a little bit...He is a full on classic covert narcissist and nobody else knows it but me and possibly his former wife...
@@canadianlady777 I'm in the same spot!!
@@canadianlady777 also watch Dr. C's videos on being Trauma bonded. I'm with a CN now. I get it
It's hard not to feel contempt when you finally grasps wtheck's been happening to you! It's equally as hard not to act on that contempt! Treat it as you would any waste material---release it, flush it and move on!
I try so hard to not have “BAR”
Bitterness
Anger
Resentment
I tell myself NO BAR!!!! When I feel
those negative feelings coming up!
It helps me sooooo much 💜
It is a slow process, no doubt because you have good reasons to feel that way. Try to get a good focus on the other qualities that can define you. You're not being asked to deny your BAR, but to re-prioritize. Dr. C
I find going out for a couple of drinks can be a good way to gain respite from those BAR feelings you describe. So my motto is,"have bar to not have bar!".(The motto is great coz it has a 2-pronged benefit.Sometimes I'll get the 2 different "bars" mixed up in my mind, and think it's a saying I designed to help me lower my alcohol intake by working myself up into a rage whenever I feel the impulse to head to the hotel.).
that is an excellent way to remember those thorny emotions. thanks I'm working on it...the darkness is strong.
@@darrylschultz9311 that's funny bro...hope you find some healing and peace...God's Shalom
Forgiving another affects our eternal experience. That narc in our lives desperately needs our forgiveness even if they don't think they need it. We are to hate what is evil but not to let the narc's bitterness transfer to us. Best video yet for me, Dr. C. Thanks. ❤
The narcissist absolutely deserves contempt. They don't care what we feel anyway, so why worry about it!
Yes, staying stuck in anger, contempt and disgust is destructive to one's own self. The interesting thing is that watching Dr. C's videos, sometimes repeatedly, helps one get free of those emotions, and that is why they are such effective therapy.
I had known my Narcissist on and off for 45 years. We briefly dated in our twenties after I had become a widow at 24. Eventually ,we both married different people but kept in touch over the years. I never saw any real negative sides of him other than he was quite the player in his 20’s. At age 65 his wife of 34 years passed. I immediately sent my condolences and offered to fly out West to help. This is when his program to assimilate me into his Narcissistic plan began. First he started with the honeymoon phase. He was so affectionate, kind loving. Sweet talking. I didn’t recognize him. He NEVER was that way in our 20’s but I wrote it off to him having been married to a kind woman. Upon my return to the West Coast, several months later to help pack his wife’s items, he started with small little rages. Then after awhile, it was nonstop rages then gaslighting. He drank nonstop morning to night. I just kept locking myself in the guest room while he paced back and forth screaming obscenities at me. I didn’t know about Narcissistic abuse at the time, so thought I was going insane! By the time I left him, I detested him. My love had turned to contempt! Now these 6 years later I’m NO CONTACT and am educated about Narcissistic abuse. I have forgiven him and this Empath is healed and living her best ever.
The narc really highjacks the victim's emotions and thought, he/she does everything possible to enter the victim's head and occupy as much of it's space and energy. It's really a vampire in that sense. And it's so true, the narc enjoys driving the victims into negative emotions, like anger, fear, desperation.
I just lately realized how much of my life I spoiled thinking about what's been going on, and also realized how angry I became, how much confidence I lost little by little.
This really will help towards freeing myself. I'll keep those words in mind, thank you!
Narcissist mother, surrounded by narcissist musicians all my life and I dated at least 5 narcissists. I thought narcissistic behaviour was normal and I easily tolerated it. I’m 43, single for 7 years and I still have narcissist ex’s trying to tap in to my kindness through decades and across continents . They are now blocked.
I’m happy I never picked up this negative mentality but I’ve been deeply effected by their lies and manipulations.
I love listening to your clips! Laura -
An American that lives in Belfast, Northern Ireland ❤️
If forgiveness means simply releasing someone to God, and not expecting anything from the person at all.....its a doable. But if forgiveness means allowing them back in the vicinity for more damage, .....no way. No can do. Fortunately, when I looked it up in a concordance, it means to turn and walk away, to release, to go the other way, release from obligation, ask not again, pardon, etc. All doable by grace alone. But no access to the inner circle of trust ever, ever, ever again.
VERY WELL SAID and scripturally true. thanks for yr comment.
daniel6 victory, ty! I went through a time of feeling very down when I thought forgiveness meant forgetting and "reconciliation" I just couldn't go there again. If you don't mind, or you wish to share about this, I'd so welcome it. But what are your thoughts or, do you find in scripture about the Ns OSAS, like if they remain as cruel and never change, are they still going to heaven do you think? Or, will they be kinder in Heaven, like no longer spinning lies and nightmares around their targets because God won't allow them to do that to everyone anymore? It use to frighten me to think of them in heaven, to the point that I was afraid to turn to God even.
@@coffeebarista1771 thanks for yr reply. will check scripture that can help and post them here. - -FORGIVENESS DOES NOT MEAN TRUST. to live w/out toxic narcs in the inner circle is our right and duty and also necessary to stay alive. blessings 😎
@@coffeebarista1771 Don't really know that I believe in a Heaven. But if there is one, do you really think that any Narc would EVER be allowed in??Hmmm? Narcs are by nature Un-repentant creatures who have NO Conscious!!!
It seems like NPDs are a perfect example of a "reprobate" mind.
I really needed to hear this video today, and there it was in my feed. I’m angry with myself this morning for allowing my narc SIL to steal 45-minutes of my day yesterday (on the phone) with a new development in her victim narrative. I’m angry at myself for listening, instead of putting up a boundary, or making up an excuse to get off the phone! As many of you have already said, Dr. C shares the most useful information on everrything-narcissist. We can only change ourselves (grow)-the narcs will never change-the work is ours. That’s some honest tough-love right there. Thank you, Dr. Carter!
Better contempt than having the abuse continue
Contempt is like emotional acid. Bingo! I need to address this asap before I become anymore bitter and twisted. Or the world's worst misanthrope.
Indifference is a beautiful thing - this takes time!
I believe we all need time to process our experiences.
Allow yourself to feel it all and get it out - I liken it to draining a septic wound.
Getting away from toxic people is key.
Once you are able to do so, you can process what has happened and learn to never ever repeat.
I wish nothing but the best to all going through their individual healing paths - it only gets better, promise.
Strive for indifference - one day it will appear 💙
Well stated. Dr. C
Indifference is so much of a better word than forgiveness.
Why do we keep trying to change the understood meaning of forgiveness when we can use better words.
Indifference, release, etc...
thanks, I think I understand in a sad way what you mean...but is there joy again somewhere along the road to recovery? Indifference sounds like a lonely road
@@masterdaveedwards It really isn't lonely. Wanting something positive from a narcissist is lonely. Soul destroying lonely
@@joannaday907 wow that is some pretty brutal pain one must face..."soul destroying loneliness" I think I know what that feels like sadly. However, I'm sure glad I know Jesus because He loves me just the way I am. Praise God. Shalom thanks for the words
Okay. Sixty years spent in psychiatric hospitals, E.R.’s from suicide attempts, Conversion Disorder that made me an invalid bed-ridden and in a wheelchair and in double diapers at 40, loss of an eye from two assaults with permanent facial nerve damage and thousands of psychiatric medications to name a few things, from parental, family and a multitude of strangers abusing me for their own gain is a lot to be overcome. They put you in such dangerous, life-threatening situations an awful lot too. How could they enjoy watching you in agony and then contribute to it with more of their narcissistic abuse? My narcissistic mother told me that the family wanted me to kill myself even and told me repeatedly to do it. The contempt and hatred towards these people can be consuming. I don’t know how I can overcome such extreme trauma but these videos help me some. There’s no help out there for people with little money. Thank you Dr. Carter for giving us this help free of charge. God Bless to all targets of Narcissism.
This is very powerful!! I never quite got it when people would say "forgive", I had felt it was an additional burden put on my responsability. The fact is that often, people in spirituality don't seem to be bothered by people who hurt others, but actually blame the victims and give all kind of excuses to the agressor. I consider that the victim suffers twice, once with the agressor, and then with the people telling you that you're responsible for the agressor's actions.
Dr. Les' explanation explains this idea in such a clear and healthy way. This is really very helpful!
I completely agree with you.
Exactly, I am going through that right now. I disconnected from the narc due to a lot of betrayal and abuse and now his religious flying monkeys are saying I dont know how to forgive and love, that I dont know compassion and I can possibly go to hell if I dont accept the person back into my life.. 😏😞
For 40 years, I couldn't understand why I was so sad, so miserable in my marriage. With your videos, Dr. C., I finally understood what was going on (covert narcissism). But yet I still struggle with the anger that often wells up in me as I "put the puzzle pieces together", recalling the moments when he treated me with indifference, lied to me, the deception, etc. I do not like this feeling of anger. I desire to forgive and move on. I try to be cordial. But my anger and even disgust get stirred up when he says something ridiculous that shows he still "doesn't get it". We are separated; divorced soon. But I must have regular contact with him because of our disabled adult son. I would love to be done with him; move on. The pain, the anger that gets stirred up all over again drains me.. It has affected my health, too. I will try to apply Dr. C's suggestions (to forgive, etc.), but I'm finding it's an ongoing struggle. I'm so tired.
This is the very video I needed to hear today. I am trouble letting go of the resentment. In AA, we learn that resentment is the number one offender.
The passive aggressive’s abuse can be implied insults, the arrogant cold stare of entitlement, and denial of involvement or instigation, acceptance of wrong doing or responsibilities...I am also too tired to continue to fight, because it’s easier to have contempt and walk or run away from the pain....
Thank you for this video. I had an experience this evening with my husband that left me in tears. Frustrated, exhausted, spent.. fed up.
I’m in a process of an exit plan and the days that I spend indulging the “norm” are eating me alive until this exit plan can come to fruition.
I sat alone after the encounter, rapid cycling from anger to overwhelmed back to anger again. Tears flooded my being, but nothing was coming out as the sheer rage that was building inside me blocked any release.
I retreated to a private room, had everything ready for a good scream, and instead was brought to my knees in a kind of defeat I hadn’t felt in a long while.
I softly spoke out loud how angry I was. How everything about this person repulsed me. How I want nothing more in this moment than to be completely rid of this toxicity and get out of the environment.
The tears were able to flow freely. I could feel my heart beat. I sensed the person I had lost trying to manage its way back into the driver seat.
I sat there, our dog tirelessly trying to lick my face, and faced the fact that this is NOT the kind of person I want to be. I don’t want to harbor such negative emotions ( although valid) towards another human. It’s not a natural thing in my mind, it doesn’t make me feel any better.
I returned to the dirty kitchen where I was needed , started the dishes, and this video popped up.
There is a gold brick of wisdom within this message that I whole heartedly needed and thank you and God for putting into my space. I needed to hear this, and it’s crucial to my sanity right now.
So thank you. Thank you for providing such content for myself and people like me who hold contempt for the narc in their life.
The most meaningful part was the forgiveness piece. That it’s not about what THEY deserve, but about MY peace. That truly hit home. And I needed that reminder today.
Thank you so much.
You're quite welcome.
Thank you so much for this video. Currently in tears listening to this, because it is the honest and kind message I need to hear.❤
I've been holding onto my bitterness for YEARS and it did change my personality! This is good stuff. We need to know how to recover from a Narcissist - thank you!
Contempt and hatred are saving my life. Earlier there was only pain. I was almost dead. Almost hospital wards my entire life. Now I am resurrecting. And this thanks to hatred and contempt against the people who almost killed me.
Spot on, Dr Carter! Another great video. Living in contempt & resentment doesn’t help anyone. Don’t give the narcissist that kind of satisfaction. Focus on yourself & live the life you intend!!
Perfect!
I knew there were many things wrong with the X. He spoke inappropriately, acted improperly, sexually inappropriate, did everything inappropriately. I had to get rid of him. After the split, I've never dated again because I can't take the chance. I needed to feel safe and sane.
Yep, safe and sane....I crave that again, no contact can actually feel more like stalking, cause you know they're hanging around in the background most places they know you go....it feels less safe in a way
Christine Haigh That’s What I did. I’m 70 now. I can live by myself just fine. God bless you.
@@cathrynestone260 I'm glad you removed yourself from the unhealthy relationship and you're fine living on your own. Be safe and God bless you as well!
In a way, the narcissist won because now you're too afraid to date anyone ever.
Christine Haigh I left my ex 7.5 years ago at 49. I’ve yet to date anyone. I am terrified of experiencing that pain again. I’m in therapy, I’ve grown a lot, and healed some. But I’m a social hermit, a shell of the gregarious and confident woman I once was. I work long hours and love living alone. I doubt I will ever be in a relationship again. I’m not as angry as I once was. I’m not as afraid of the world outside my door as I once was. But I have a long way to go to find a way to trust people again. I wish you luck and peace and self love in your journey. ❤️
I am trembling with anxiety listening to this. I will despise this evil shell of a man until he becomes a non-factor to me.
You will not get there thru hate, friend. Trust me on that one. But at the same time, you do not need to like them. You get there because you finally realize you are worth it and you have a purpose. Do not let anyone distract you from that.
I hear you. I’m in hatred mode too right now. I loathe the people who almost killed me.
@@christar9527 Keep reading in this area of Facebook. You will learn so much here that you will be able to calm your emotions and re-parent yourself.
Being in this for 30+ years I am trying to educate my grown son's in this, so they can see what is happening in MY life.
It’s about forgiveness, forgive them but you do not need to forget how you were treated. Remembering how you were treated will hopefully protect you as you move foward-so it doesn’t happen again. Forgive them, let go of it but don’t forget it happened. Excellent video Dr. Carter, very important message. Thank you. It is very hard to not have contempt because of the tremendous pain caused.
Letting go, that's the last and hardest step.
Don't waste your life, raging at these lunatics. Don't let them poision your life. They don't even deserve to be in your head and your heart... It's not easy, letting go, but I'm working on it.
I have been through the whole spectrum of emotion toward my narcissists and am surprised that I am now at a place of compassion and forgiveness---- but not forsaking my boundaries. It's very curious and also very liberating.
Sounds like freedom. Dr. C
Yes forgiveness is the key to true freedom.
Everything you've said here, Dr. C, makes perfect sense. I think my feelings of being stuck and unsure of myself has a lot to do with the length of time I've been in my marriage. I've forgotten who I was before this relationship, and I'm just so physically and emotionally tired. I also spent so many years trying to please my narc, that I forgot to make myself a priority. All these things have to be relearned, and I do wonder if I still can.
yes you can!
Dig deep, you are still in there. You are loved, you matter. You WILL get back up. You are not alone!
You will be free..
I have to say that to get stronger after the narcissistic abuse is one thing.The other is to find someone who isn't narc and as we know because we live it in our skin morality is not something that people respect.They discuse themselves as good people just to lead us to the trap.We are not from stone and when you have been burned 3-4 times it's not easy to try again-espesially when you see what is happening around you also.Thank you Dr Carter
I like what you suggest! Dr. C
Thanks for that refreshing view point. I often get stuck in that contemptuous close loop and realized its only residual self abuse from the narcissistic experience. I believe it becomes evident after your post traumatic experience relaxes and you have more peace and clarity in your mind.
This video made me realize I have to snap out of the cycle of contempt and aspire to grow myself in a more positive fashion.
Thank you
Thank you for this response. It is immensely helpful to me.
Thank you for your videos.I am 48 and finally figured out my parents are severe narcissist's. Struggled my whole life and now with their age and financial things the truth of their depravity is sickning. Yours and other videos have been helpful in retaining my character and seeing through all the fog.When you realize you were just a toy in a dog's mouth by your own family contempt is massive.
Best advice I’ve ever heard: “Release that person from the hope of restitution.” It’s a pretty solid definition of forgiveness in actuality because forgiveness is supposed to keep you on the same level so no one owes you anything. But I take this as exhuming all expectations of this person earning back their withstanding from you. You expect as little from them as possible, but not necessarily in a cold way. It’s more like forgiving them from the duty of earning expectation which more in turn releases you rather than them. I like that.
Especially if you have been abused I think it's perfectly normal to feel righteous anger. But the narcissist will never give you any kind of apology. You have to let things go for your own peace of mind. Moving forward each day, living a beautiful life! That's the balm for your soul💜🌈💜
Gaining back my identity and knowing it is good was a huge step for me. I had lost myself and had zero self confidence. It took me about 4 years of work to regain that feeling.
Forgiveness to me means Giving up your right to Get Even. I luhv you Dr Les !
Just rise above these a holes and never lower yourself to there level. Arguing with a narcissist is like arguing with a drunk! Does no good only makes it worse.
Oh boy, if I could find the emoticons I would give you a bouquet for your WISE STATEMENTS .
Yes. Everything he said is how I feel about my narcissistic husband after 43 years of marriage. Most of my life had been his life, not mine. Not now. I’m new. I’m free.
I really didn't have a choice about forgiveness. My narc spouse died of cancer, and I experienced something I didn't expect over the course of his dying -- pity. I spent years being angry (contempt is the perfect word) at the way he behaved, not just toward me; he alienated everyone. Once he was gone, I decided to forgive him. I suffered from PTSD and would jump at every sound. I had to let it go. So I sold the house, moved into a new one and started a wonderful new life. 24 years was more than enough to sacrifice.
Now I hope that reincarnation is a real thing and that he was reborn to parents that were loving and normal. Narcs don't get that way all by themselves.
You have clearly done much soul searching. Best to you as you move forward. Dr. C
Juno Cat I still kind of “jump”. When I get even a little startled.
GOD BLESS YOU!
You are the first person to ever tell me that my contempt is a normal process of healing and that there's hope in overcoming it!
Only it’s my daughter. So difficult. I got away from her only to find out she’s inflicting my grandkids with her constant premeditated deadly drama. Yes I stepped back into the arena. You have helped me so much. Thank you.
Forgiveness is choosing to move on from people, places, situations and circumstances which brought pain, sorrow, grief and cut off the emotional cords of pain, contempt, disdain and repulsion from them.
Yes. Dr. C
I choose to disagree with the recommendation to forgive the narcissist. By judging them with feelings of contempt, I am reminding myself what they are. I will never treat them as anything but an enemy even if I must be polite to them on a day to day basis.
I agree to an extent, bc many of us can so easily attract another. I am hyper vigilant and severely anxious. Debilitatingly so.
Forgiveness can really only be given to someone who asks for it. Narcs dont think there is anything to forgive so how can you forgive them something that doesnt exist in their mind...save your forgiveness for your own beautiful self..x
I can only forgive someone who is sorry.
I know that forgiveness comes with loving yourself and letting go of the trash they tried to put on us. But being reconciled to someone is not the same as forgiveness I would never be reconciled to a rapist the pain is too deep they are Judas in my eyes they come to steal my precious life
But I can forgive it because of the power of the cross. That way I get to start all over again as if it never even happened to me and those people? Their end is destruction!
Absolutely. Letting go is not easy but it's essential.
When dealing with a malignant narc, I have felt self-pity for what I went through, and despair at times wondering how I was going to get out of the situation. I'm pretty much over the contempt, sometimes feeling resentment, but realize holding on to that feeling only keeps me stuck, and that's exactly what he would be hoping for...his influence wrecking my life further. I have healed from being in a toxic relationship bc I have told myself so. I have released thoughts, emotions, and put the experience in the past. I have risen to greater heights to get a broader view of life. I am grateful that I am free. After enduring so much chaos, the only thing I want is peace. ☮️
I have zero knowledge of whether making some kind of art would help us handle our feelings. I suspect it would be a great bonus for us to try.
My God DR. Carter you do have patience! I was going to be a therapist but realized I don't do crazy. Went to teaching instead. Loved it. Children don't know any better. I figure anyone over thirty should know right from wrong.
My aunt, who reads the Bible a lot, said that bitterness grows roots and spreads out. Do you want to be the better person who affects others with your bitterness? And the bitterness ruins you
true. dont let toxic ppl grow roots in u. hand toxic ppl to the lord in prayer. he w deal with them. much better. i have had toxic ppl get back to me after a while and apologise for their venom after i had prayed for them. but they did not change it was just once. an apology and thats it.
Yes because we are imperfect and need Christ Jesus and the Father and Holy Spirit in our lives to sheild us from the damage. We are only human. Otherwise we revert to what is only natural and normal to feel that way and have to retrain our brain. It is difficult and harder than a dog learning new tricks. We are human and have to walk away. The department injustices is not on my side. I was framed and beaten thrown in jail and evidence exfoliated while incarcerated.
Connda Pierce yes bitterness can corrupt many. Your Aunt is right. This is one way the narc affects many people. They inject bitterness if we allow them we poison ourselves with rumination and by letting that bitterness affect our choices and other relationships. It has roots and grows.
Yes they do wake us up ! Love that! Our enemies are our footstools. Actually your enemies will improve you and grow you the most by giving you the opportunity to overcome emotions and evil. They actually put life into perspective and teach us a lot more about ourselves and people than our friends many times. We need our enemies.
I know I have healed when I dont talk about it much any more, it was awful having that obsession. I realized they are just messed up people and glad to be away from it. I am glad to be enjoying life and not wasting my time on these people any more.
The best revenge I got is I am 😁 HAPPY. Drives the Narcissist 🥜. Took a long time time to recover from the abuse. Now if I have to be around him, he is unable to gaslight me. He is the one that leaves even angrier because he couldn't ruin my time! HA. I just laugh to myself and never stop smiling.
Love it! Dr. C
Wonderful!
Orphan blessings be with you!! 😇 so happy for your healing!
Freedom! 💕
I hope someday to reach your level of FREEDOM!!!
Thank you Dr. for recommending "Pain - the Gift Nobody Wants". I will work on gentleness toward the people in my life, even the narcs.
They may never change, but I will not allow them to drag me down with them.
I listen to this diamond again and again when any contempt creeps in. Your advice is splendid. I also practice Ho’oponopono to forgive and release. I prefer to let go with love. Contempt does keep you trapped. I’m forever in Gratitude for your help and advice. It’s life changing. I want peace post narcissist. It also helps me deal with the ones still in my life. They don’t bother me now. I seldom see them and thanks to you I fully understand they seldom change. Thankyou 🌞
Pleased! Dr. C
I used to call my sister narc "The Queen," but not to her face, of course. Holding onto bitterness, resentment, and unforgiveness is like swallowing poison and expecting the one who hurt you to die.
I am working thru the after effects of the range of emotions with my ex narc.....emotional acid...what a great term! Another great teaching...thank you Dr. Carter
Don't stop! Dr. C
You learn and enhance yourself with negative lessons learnt from a narcissistic in terms of viewing your experiences, self and the world from another perspective!
Unforgiveness keeps us stuck...causes health probs.
Keeping that strong sense of self is critical to a good quality of life. Forgiveness is clearing out those old feelings to allow for a cultivation of the awesomeness that us Empaths have.
Very well stated!! Dr. C
I played this twice. Thank you Dr Carter. You have an incredibly reasonable way of explaining feelings and thoughts.
Contempt is a socially and functionally appropriate emotion towards a narcissist.
I just bought your book on Barnes and Noble! I appreciate your insightful analysis. It's totally helping me through a challenging time. Thank you Dr. Les! ✌💜😊🙏
Is so hard to not argue when the person is constantly insulting you in subtle ways and blame you for their "misfortune". Send him to hell and done. Pisses me off!