With my first born, I had no idea about parenting and our pediatrician recommended the cry out method. So I tried, for one to three minutes, which felt like eternity. I couldn’t do it anymore than that, so I picked up my son tears streaming down on my cheeks. That was such a terrible moment. It was 9 years ago and I never tried it for any of my sons after that. This county is so broken that even a pediatrician suggests such a terrible treatment for a precious baby.
There are variations where a baby cries for short amounts of time and you go in to soothe and comfort them, and then have them try again. We did Taking Cara Babies. Which was very compassionate and medically driven. Our baby is 15 months old and naps and sleeps beautifully. She never once slept in our bed. She loves her crib and she gets great sleep. Cry it out is nuclear! There are better middle options
Mother of four and I can honestly say that every child is different and for one of our kids the cry out method was really the only way she would go to sleep.. its either walking for hours with a crying baby or let them cry out for 15 min.. for me I found the crying out less cruel and more effective, she is now a healthy 9 year old. If you want to take good care of your children make sure you try to sleep as best as you can. If that means the child needs to cry out a bit trust me it’s worth it because many accidents and health issues happen because lack of sleep.
Lovely podcast. I am the only child of my divorsed parent raised like a go getter boy. Super independent and competitive. Now I understand it was well meaning but similarly to what feminism does... turns women to men. Outdated and unnecessary. Luckily my career stopped working out once I hit my 30ties because my worsening mental health. This made me work on myself. I met my other half and realised I'm not yet too old to have babies. We have our beautiful 10 month old and I have never felt happier. There is no feeling like this. I won competitions, had success at work, won in sport events. There's nothing like being a mother. We are literally made for it
This was so great. Your boss or employees or coworkers will NOT be there when you take your last breath. Family is important. Raising healthy and happy people is important and impressive.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for asking about fathers as the primary attachment to a child. No one covers this thoughtfully! My father stayed with us in the 80s and my mother worked. Reasons being 1) my mother had a higher paying job and 2) suffered intense abuse as a child and just did not have the emotional or mental capacity to nurture us. My father was the nurturing parent. While there are things I can admit I missed due to little relationship with my mother, my father loved and nurtured me intentionally. Fast forward decades to the moment I am writing this and I stay home with our children and my husband works. Thank you ❤
Proud of you! “You can do everything you want, you just can’t do it at the same time.” I went from having a career to staying home with my now 14m old. The identity shift & outside pressure is hard at times, but my daughter won’t always need me this much. Wishing you all the best!
Before meeting my husband I always said I’d never have kids and never get married. I was in love with my career. It took for me to get with my husband for me to realize what my real role in life was. When I got pregnant with our child I fell in love with being a mom. I look back and see how unfulfilled my life would’ve been if I would’ve stuck with my career.
I kinda think it is not a bad path to love your career until you find a husband. Desiring marriage and children and finding no one for ten years is so painful. I wasn't intent on kids until I found a man I thought needed replicating. :) I think that's a good thing.
That bit about your uterus “hurting”, that totally resonated with me! There’s no prospects of a man in my life, but I’ve felt that mothering instinct within me kick into high gear recently.
Just because a woman is a stay at home parent, does not mean she will be loving and nurturing. I always say my Mom was my first and biggest bully. To be fair, I wasn't the easiest child for her as I had a lot of unmet sensory needs, but even when I was able to finally verbalize those needs, they were never believed or taken seriously. I was suic*dal by 10. I'm having to learn these skills because what was modeled for me was terrible. But people learn and grow, and my Mom is not the same person she was when I was a child.
I am AuDHD as well. I understand the struggle. I’m glad we are here. I always knew from a young age I wanted to mother for a living and learned all I could but intuition is so key. It’s hard to ignore people who don’t parent intuitively because people can really be judgy. Even just things like when and where and how to wear shoes… I’m trying to stop looking at people other than my son because their looks can really get in the way of my performance as a mom
Uggghhhh this makes my heart burn. I'm so glad there are so many nurturing people out there. I definitely have said all of those negative things and thought women were weak for always running to their kids and not being able to let the baby cry or put them away in a nursery and that those women were too involved with their kids. Dying to self is the call of Christ. Great podcast!!!
My son turned one 10 days ago. He’s very attached which I love, but also is developing on his timeframe not society. His met all his milestones but struggles with sleep and eating solids sometimes. I went back to work 2 days a week on-site & 3 days working from home when he turned 5 months. It’s impossible! I resigned from my position two weeks ago. I have to put him first. I tried sleep training him at 11 1/2 months doing Feber after 2 nights I stopped. I felt like the worst unfit mother on the planet. I will NEVER do that to him again. I’m trying a more gentle patting and singing method. He still wakes up all night but he’s sleeping in his crib now at night. 3 weeks ago he had to sleep in my bed. That’s progress in my book. Baby steps literally but we will get there. My son is first tho and thankfully my husband is on board with my decision to stay with him. I’m hoping to be home until 3 but definitely until he turns 2. Being a mother isn’t easy but nothing worth having in life is. It’s the best most fulfilling job on the planet though. God bless all you moms out there.
we LOVE Erica K. around here, the wife and I. We have popped her book "Being There..." into multiple Little Free Libraries, and distributed more to newlyweds we know both in and out of our Church groups. She's quite brilliant, well informed/educated and does a fantastic job with the emotional intellect aspect of being able to relate all of these studies et al, to the broadest of audience comprehension levels. I've never wanted to be friends with someone "IRL", as I do people like Erica! I bet coffee/tea talks would just get me juiced up for the following work weeks to share such insightful, informative and nuanced conversation with those in our spheres of influence. Great interview...Thanks!
My baby started crying hard in the car and I pulled over to comfort him right away. I could never let him go through that. It breaks my heart hearing him cry like that.
The struggle is telling you something. If you’re able to you should quit… for now. You can pick up your career again when the kids are grown. Trust me, you’ll regret, just like I do, working when your kids were little. They grow up so fast you don’t want to miss a minute especially knowing how important your presence is to their well-being.
At least you work from home and can check in with your babies! However, you should follow your instincts and do what you think is best. Maybe try cutting down to part time before you decide to quit?
You will never regret devoting 100% of yourself to your babies; if anything you will look back on those fragile years knowing you gave them all your attention, & feeling pure acceptance as you did right by them.. but if you don't do this, the regret is inevitable, & oftentimes unbearable as times goes on.
When you grew up at church and from immigrant parents, and worked in daycare for 14 yrs, that girl boss mentality doesn't and never did exist forme, its so sad when I hear that 😢
Love this advice! Regarding crying it out, I haven't done that per se with either child so far (2.5 years and 2 months). HOWEVER, these same children have used crying when under the age of 1 to soothe themselves. It was a major comfort for me to realize that my youngest will cry HARD for a few minutes right before falling asleep, even if I'm offering maximal soothing (cuddling on my chest, bouncing/rocking, shushing, bundling in blanket) . . . and that particular crying is needed to fall asleep.
I couldn't co-sleep anymore with my 18 month because he started stealing my pillow and kicking me in his sleep. So he cried in his crib for 30 mins, we checked on him and he stopped, fell asleep. Next night, same. Then he started falling asleep on his own, no crying. I couldn't let him cry it out before then, but I was getting no sleep and being a SAHM.
The lady at the bank asked me what my job was and I told her stay at home mom. But she didn't flinch lol I hae a small bussiness and was getting put on the bank account as a manager. I'm very proud of being amother more than anything lol
I stayed home with my two kids. My son cried and was stressed a lot as a baby. I read over 30 books and I could not soothe him so I just let him cry. Now he is 18 yrs and I have a lot of issues with him.
I did that with my first till he was a year and a half and I got too pregnant to constantly carry him. Best thing ever! Ergo baby was my savior 😂. It’s the only baby product I could never live without. Doing the same with my second child now. The babies love it too, they can see so much in there and are very stimulated.
Mothers nowadays are alone (no mother, grandmother and other family members around) and if you’re mentality not strong enough motherhood will be very hard. We have healthcare, internet, all kinds of clubs or groups but many people are not mentally in the position to organise that support system around them. Doing things alone is miserable. There’s even a trend of „married single mother“. We are expected to work as mothers and housekeepers, fathers are expected to only work. The shift is not completed. Once we found that balance and learned from mistakes as a society, it will be better.
My mom struggled with depression and hypoglycemia. I inherited the same issues I want to break the cycle of abuse and negligt and be there for my kids .
37:41 my 18 weeks, state paid maternity leave and my husbands 12 says otherwise. I don't know why an educated woman would say something like that when it is just not true.
That is amazing that you and your husband had paid time off. I gave birth a few months ago and I did not have any paid maternity leave in my state and neither did the father of my child. His job wouldnt even let him take FMLA for more than a week off and he is trying to get a lawyer to fight it. Unfortunately there are many of us out there who are not afforded any time off. Or we are only given unpaid time off where you still have to pay for your insurance while off.
I have 5 kids. I sing a LOT to them, I’m humming and singing while doing chores, I sing them to sleep. So all my 5 kids know exactly where I am at all times. lol. I sing to my baby while rubbing 2 kids backs and 2 snuggled up to me. So much love.
How did you sleep "train"? I'm a new mom and my baby is 5 weeks, this week she hasn't been sleeping well unless she's in my arms and I don't know what to do.
@@osana6505 try getting a carrier and walking around with her during nap times. Put her on her belly until she gets frustrated during awake times. This gets her neck nice and strong and gets out her physical energy. I’m guessing nothing else is wrong that’s making her cry if she stops when she’s on you. You do NOT sleep train a 5 week old. The only thing I’ll say is this- from day 1, I set timers for breastfeeding every two hours. I train them to eat every two hours during the day (I alternate breasts in the beginning, by 5-6 weeks baby eats 15 mins both sides). If you feed train- the sleep comes. My last timer would be for like 9:30 pm then no timer until 7am or something like that. I’d let them sleep as long as they wanted during the night and didn’t worry bc I knew they were fed. I hope that makes sense. Some babies need food training. Others don’t. Appetites are different with every baby.
I relate so much to “changing my own record straight.” I went through a huge perspective shift after the birth of my first child, realizing I didn’t actually want to go back to work, even after a year. Now with 3 little kids, I feel so grateful to be home raising them, and my eyes have been opened to the warped, unhealthy view our culture has on mothering. It is hard and exhausting, but the transformation, if you’re open to it, is like nothing else. I think often it is difficult to admit the importance and value of a stay at home mother, because that then implies that mothers who aren’t at home with their kids are doing less than the ideal. People don’t want to offend. But we pay a price when the value is downgraded just because not everyone can/is doing it.
Came across you lovely ladies while searching for more Erica content. When I was a new mom and became part of a local Moms' group, I noticed for the first time just how much underlying competition and hostility there is between women. As a tomboy I never really exposed myself to women like that. I am glad to never have had the urge to fit in by adopting their ill will towards others, including their own offspring. I can't count how many times I overheard moms making a dig at other moms or their own children. It is the mass of female bullies that drive and direct this race into the emotional abyss. We need to continue to speak against this multi generational trend to snuff out our ability to love. Thank you all!
You are so right when you said the moms who hate being moms are suffering and were mishandled as children. They can’t conceive of enjoying motherhood even if someone tries to explain it to them.
My mother’s excellent and I’ve been to therapy but not all women enjoy motherhood. It’s not for me I’d hate it as I can’t handle the noise or stress - love kids and pets when they aren’t my responsibility 24/7. I’d say it’s best to inform women and allow them to make the choice.
This is absolutely true. I was miserable as a mom and was severely abused as a child by both parents in different ways. I truly thought people who said they loved motherhood were full of crap and lying to the world and I resented myself for not feeling the way they did (because what if they were telling the truth and someone was wrong with me?) Anyway after going to therapy and working on some childhood stuff I was finally truly able to see motherhood through a different lens. I even looked FORWARD to events that once would trigger me to my demise because it meant I got to help my child grow in maturity. I cried when I told my therapist I get it now. When people say that motherhood is a blessing I can finally relate with a grateful heart.
@@Coastpsych_fi99You can't say you don't enjoy motherhood when you haven't experienced it. That's not to say it's not for you. But it was not an experience you had.
How broken is our language and society that we have to clarify we are a narcissist for wanting to be surrounded by a large, loving family when we pass.
Follow your child’s lead. They’ll let you know what they need. Trust your intuition which says to comfort your child. Be present with them. Listen to them. Give them your self. It goes by so fast.
Ridiculous how many lies are spread around. Some careless remark in a movie or sitcom ends up being perceived truth. As it was written "honor your father and mother" we need to get back to that.
Thanks for this interview! I also saw the Alex one and it’s given me lots to think about. And btw your audio and set are lovely!! I know how hard it is to make a podcast and video look and sound good and it’s sometimes overlooked so… kudos!!! I make a Spanish podcast so, fellow podcaster here. Just subscribed!! ❤ thanks for your episodes.
I'm sure this talk mentions how if you don't enjoy motherhood, it was due to mishandling during childhood. I agree and disagree. I was raised by a single mother, so I've always been fiercely independent and always working for school or work. Being a wife and later mother, it feels like I'm doing nothing, but playing with my children and cleaning and putting others first. It is not mentally stimulating and I find it boring. So I started taking classes at a community college, 1 or 2. And it made me a better mother. I can focus on my family and while my children are under 3!!! I can have my own pursuits that only take time before they wake.
25 minutes. No the dad doesn't need to be a little mummy butterflies rainbows and unicorns for the kids when they fall, yes give a hug if really hurt but if its something small u teach them to pick themselves up. Dads r supposed to toughen u up
Love you girls! I am jumping here for a first time - what tou do is exemplary :) I am happy that there are people like you who consider normal both parents to stay at home and take care of your children. ❤Wish you the greatest of success if your channel and all of your endevours!
I don't mean to sound dispassionate, judgemental or like a know it all about motherhood, I'm a mama of 4 and love being the mother of my wonderful children, but I feel there needs to be a bit of a reversal with modern motherhood. Not to generalize but a lot of mums seem to be relaxed on areas where it's important not to be like being their child's primary caregiver especially when young and are overly worked up in other areas like the "intuitive" aspects of every day mothering. I don't agree with cry it out at all but honestly if you have multiple children there can be situations where it is hard to immediately comfort your baby and that's okay. Life happens and I think that's a lesson that a lot of new mothers need to learn. Now, practicing traditional mothering techniques like baby wearing, prolonged breastfeeding and safe cosleeping helps with that bonding and I think mends the times you can't immediately comfort your child. Also, baby wearing is the same as tummy time and it's extremely practical, you're giving that closeness and nurturing your bond while getting tasks done and not having to have "floor time". When it comes to time for baby to practice rocking for crawling just having them on the floor where you need to do your thing is enough. Having multiples is great because they help and play with each other and distract each other. Your subsequent children won't need as much immediate attention from you plus laying that foundation as a baby of security through baby wearing and breastfeeding helps.
also please know you're not going to break your baby if in some situations they cry and aren't or can't be immediately comforted. As long as you're practicing intentional and nurturing mothering you're baby will be okay, I promise. I think mothers need to develop a little bit of a tougher skin with this and remember the life happens.
The trouble is that my second born cried badly and a lot every time we changed his nappy, put him in a pram or car seat. He just screamed at daily activities.
According to my own personal research and experience, it’s the transition. Certain brains have more difficulties with transitions, big AND small. This type of brain is called neurodivergent. There’s a lot of neurodivergent brains in my family so I’ve been trying to learn a lot.
My husband is the natural empath/nurturer in our relationship and I am the logical/"tough love" partner. I was very very against having children for years but had an awakening recently and after several hours, days, weeks, months of talking, we decided we would very much like to be parents. I'm very curious to see how our dynamic will be when we have kids since it's atypical. I am open to making changes and letting the experience transform me, and I know we will make it work, even if it looks a little different!
I feel like I wasted so much time when my oldest was a baby. I am an attorney and when I had my now 3.5 year old daughter I felt torn about returning to work but pushed through it for a long time until I couldn't do it anymore. A few months before she turned 2, I started working remotely unless I needed to be in court/meetings/depositions and lowered my hours to part time work. Before that, my mom and dad watched her every day while I was at work. She never went to daycare or mother's day out-- she was always at her house with my parents and I know that is second best, but I still feel terrible about the decision I made and wonder if I did damage to our relationship or if she is going to have some issue surface when she is older that stems from me not being there with her all day in those first 20 months. It breaks my heart and I just wish I could go back.
I don’t believe evolution is true. I believe the Lord created the heavens and the earth and we desire to create families because we were made in the image of God. We want to create and nurture and love because HE is a relational God and we are relational beings. But I love hearing your ideas from that perspective, and I love how it still lines up with Biblical principles. I definitely needed some of this information!!! 💛 Thank you.
Loved this podcast! I had honestly never heard of your channel but clicked on it right away when I saw Erica's name. She is literally incredible. Home full time with my 4 kids under 5 and I love it!
My mother devoted her entire life to myself and my sister. She was always there she worked from home so we always had her close by and I knew immediately as soon as I got pregnant that I was never working again. I never wanted kids I thought they ruined your life and were a burden, I was so wrong and staying home with my son is the best decision I've ever made.
I am in the process of TTC and can’t find any positive stories, podcasts, or accounts about pregnancy, motherhood, or parenting. This conversation is refreshing.
It seems that this podcast has no words for the parent who is desperate for sleep 😅. It seems like moms on this podcast had kids who eventually slept all night after 2,3,6 months. And now they feel all high and mighty judging other moms. My son is 17 months old. It's just my husband and I. No grandparents, no support system, no one. We're immigrants in the US. We have resisted the cry it out method so far. But he's about to be 2 and still wakes up every two hours like clockwork. My husband works full time, I take care of the baby and home and he helps the best he can. We're both exhausted, we haven't had a full night sleep in forever. I knew things were taking a turn to the worst when I started contemplating unaliving myself. Sleep is important. Rest is important. My husband and I didn't stop mattering as people the day we became parents. We are still human beings who should be able to sleep longer than 2 hours at a time. These podcasts conveniently ignore moms like me. Never come up with any solution for us, but feel comfortable tanking a method who's not ideal but has shown results and has been studied and doesn't harm the child long term. They think we're out there happily ignoring our kid's cries. No, people, we're trying to make sure we don't get su*c*dle.
Hey! I’m so sorry you’re in the thick of it right now! We have an interview with Stephanie Ray with Bioray that might be helpful for you. Also a couple thoughts/recommendations that helped my kiddo who had sleep issues. 1: magnesium lotion. 2. Bioray sleepy tinctures. 3. Chiropractic adjustments. 4. Removed inflammatory foods dairy & gluten from my diet (I was nursing at the time), but maybe try eliminating those to see if your kiddo feels better. 5. Epsom salt/Magnesium baths. 6. The instagram account TakingCARAbabies was HUGE for us. Send us a message on instagram. You’re not alone 🖤
Hi, I just want to say, ‘cry it out’ is leaving the kid alone in a room crying. There are ways to help your toddler sleep by allowing him to cry in your arms. If he’s been nursed or comforted his entire life, it’s only natural that he will be upset when that is taken away from him. But when he’s upset and crying and you’re there to comfort him, it’s not the same as ‘cry it out’. Look into Aware Parenting - which is part of attachment parenting that is a very nuanced and balanced perspective. You’re not alone. Many of us have the same story. Sending love your way x
How does ur baby fall asleep? Like does he take a bottle do u read to him rock him etc?? Whatever method ur using to put baby to sleep he wakes up expecting that ... If ur child still naps in the day try getting rid of the nap and is he having a lot to drink b4 bed? Sometimes that bothers them? Iv got 6 kids and all were kinda different when it came to sleep. It's very hard😢 If nothing works have u seen paediatrician? Sending prayers...
We can’t compare us to animals. Animals don’t have phone bills, car payments, car insurance or rent to pay. If we only worried about food ofc it would be great. School districts, medical insurance. Etc etc we are ofc nothing like animals
I disagree with you. We are living in an animal body, with a higher conscience. Bills, or car insurance are not written in our DNA. But it is wired within our body all that she mentioned. and if we can't provide that for children, better don't have any.
We are animals, we are just the most intelligent animals. We are what we are, and ignoring this fact is part of the reason we are having so many problems in the first place.
@@Friggsdottir OK sweetheart, Children before the age of 3 bond with one person who is there to help them when they cry. They cry before they are pre-verbal because they need food or a diaper or they are just tired. Babies actually develope different cries depending on what there need is at the moment. I can tell what my daughter needed before she could speak better than her mother could. When children are in this formative state they bond with the person who is actually there for them, it doesn't matter if it is a male or a female, they bond with the person that is there to care for them. They can't tell the difference between mommy and daddy until they are 8 months old because their vision and hearing is still developing the neural pathways. Men can be better care givers than their mother's. Men are competitive also so they do it with the intention to do it the best.
@@CG-mj8tk She’s a teenager, of course she doesn’t want kids. Give her grace, pray for her, and mentor her. It wasn’t until my mid 20’s that the desire to have children. 🖤
she is a teenager, she has other desires. Be grateful she doesn’t want children atm and isn’t trying to be a Teenage mother just because babies are cute! Encourage her to seek a young man of character and what that looks like. Teach her self esteem and relationship skills. Don’t place her worth on having children, some women can’t or won’t be able to for many reasons.
Let her be a teenager! And pursue skills and abilities that will do her well as an adult, whether or not she will have the opportunity to be a mother. She doesn't have all her ducks in a row mentally until around the mid twenties anyhow, what she wants to do now might be light years away from what she wants when she's old enough to go to college. Bond with her as a human, not as a potential mother.
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With my first born, I had no idea about parenting and our pediatrician recommended the cry out method. So I tried, for one to three minutes, which felt like eternity. I couldn’t do it anymore than that, so I picked up my son tears streaming down on my cheeks. That was such a terrible moment. It was 9 years ago and I never tried it for any of my sons after that. This county is so broken that even a pediatrician suggests such a terrible treatment for a precious baby.
This almost made me cry, I am so glad you didn't listen to that advice and followed your instincts :)
There are variations where a baby cries for short amounts of time and you go in to soothe and comfort them, and then have them try again.
We did Taking Cara Babies. Which was very compassionate and medically driven. Our baby is 15 months old and naps and sleeps beautifully. She never once slept in our bed. She loves her crib and she gets great sleep.
Cry it out is nuclear! There are better middle options
Your mom intuition knew what was right. The same situation happened to me. Crying it out is the worst advice ever from peds...along with vaccinations.
Mother of four and I can honestly say that every child is different and for one of our kids the cry out method was really the only way she would go to sleep.. its either walking for hours with a crying baby or let them cry out for 15 min.. for me I found the crying out less cruel and more effective, she is now a healthy 9 year old. If you want to take good care of your children make sure you try to sleep as best as you can. If that means the child needs to cry out a bit trust me it’s worth it because many accidents and health issues happen because lack of sleep.
Out pediatrician recommended that too. So strange
Lovely podcast. I am the only child of my divorsed parent raised like a go getter boy. Super independent and competitive. Now I understand it was well meaning but similarly to what feminism does... turns women to men. Outdated and unnecessary. Luckily my career stopped working out once I hit my 30ties because my worsening mental health. This made me work on myself. I met my other half and realised I'm not yet too old to have babies. We have our beautiful 10 month old and I have never felt happier. There is no feeling like this. I won competitions, had success at work, won in sport events. There's nothing like being a mother. We are literally made for it
This was so great. Your boss or employees or coworkers will NOT be there when you take your last breath. Family is important. Raising healthy and happy people is important and impressive.
Excellent point
Thank you, thank you, thank you for asking about fathers as the primary attachment to a child. No one covers this thoughtfully! My father stayed with us in the 80s and my mother worked. Reasons being 1) my mother had a higher paying job and 2) suffered intense abuse as a child and just did not have the emotional or mental capacity to nurture us. My father was the nurturing parent. While there are things I can admit I missed due to little relationship with my mother, my father loved and nurtured me intentionally. Fast forward decades to the moment I am writing this and I stay home with our children and my husband works.
Thank you ❤
I just wrote a letter to HR today about not returning so I can care for my 6 month old son; best decision ever!
Proud of you! “You can do everything you want, you just can’t do it at the same time.” I went from having a career to staying home with my now 14m old. The identity shift & outside pressure is hard at times, but my daughter won’t always need me this much. Wishing you all the best!
@@bash9032 thank you! I wish all the best for you and your 14 month old too ❤️
Before meeting my husband I always said I’d never have kids and never get married. I was in love with my career. It took for me to get with my husband for me to realize what my real role in life was. When I got pregnant with our child I fell in love with being a mom. I look back and see how unfulfilled my life would’ve been if I would’ve stuck with my career.
Same currently pregnant at 35 years old, wish I started sooner
I kinda think it is not a bad path to love your career until you find a husband. Desiring marriage and children and finding no one for ten years is so painful.
I wasn't intent on kids until I found a man I thought needed replicating. :) I think that's a good thing.
@@eatnplaytoday of course me too! I wish I would’ve known what I know now.
That bit about your uterus “hurting”, that totally resonated with me! There’s no prospects of a man in my life, but I’ve felt that mothering instinct within me kick into high gear recently.
Just because a woman is a stay at home parent, does not mean she will be loving and nurturing. I always say my Mom was my first and biggest bully. To be fair, I wasn't the easiest child for her as I had a lot of unmet sensory needs, but even when I was able to finally verbalize those needs, they were never believed or taken seriously. I was suic*dal by 10. I'm having to learn these skills because what was modeled for me was terrible. But people learn and grow, and my Mom is not the same person she was when I was a child.
I am AuDHD as well. I understand the struggle. I’m glad we are here. I always knew from a young age I wanted to mother for a living and learned all I could but intuition is so key. It’s hard to ignore people who don’t parent intuitively because people can really be judgy. Even just things like when and where and how to wear shoes… I’m trying to stop looking at people other than my son because their looks can really get in the way of my performance as a mom
Uggghhhh this makes my heart burn. I'm so glad there are so many nurturing people out there. I definitely have said all of those negative things and thought women were weak for always running to their kids and not being able to let the baby cry or put them away in a nursery and that those women were too involved with their kids.
Dying to self is the call of Christ.
Great podcast!!!
My son turned one 10 days ago. He’s very attached which I love, but also is developing on his timeframe not society. His met all his milestones but struggles with sleep and eating solids sometimes. I went back to work 2 days a week on-site & 3 days working from home when he turned 5 months. It’s impossible! I resigned from my position two weeks ago. I have to put him first. I tried sleep training him at 11 1/2 months doing Feber after 2 nights I stopped. I felt like the worst unfit mother on the planet. I will NEVER do that to him again. I’m trying a more gentle patting and singing method. He still wakes up all night but he’s sleeping in his crib now at night. 3 weeks ago he had to sleep in my bed. That’s progress in my book. Baby steps literally but we will get there. My son is first tho and thankfully my husband is on board with my decision to stay with him. I’m hoping to be home until 3 but definitely until he turns 2. Being a mother isn’t easy but nothing worth having in life is. It’s the best most fulfilling job on the planet though. God bless all you moms out there.
we LOVE Erica K. around here, the wife and I. We have popped her book "Being There..." into multiple Little Free Libraries, and distributed more to newlyweds we know both in and out of our Church groups. She's quite brilliant, well informed/educated and does a fantastic job with the emotional intellect aspect of being able to relate all of these studies et al, to the broadest of audience comprehension levels. I've never wanted to be friends with someone "IRL", as I do people like Erica! I bet coffee/tea talks would just get me juiced up for the following work weeks to share such insightful, informative and nuanced conversation with those in our spheres of influence. Great interview...Thanks!
This podcast was such an eye opener, thank you for what you believe, it makes things so much easier when others also share what I believe to be true
My baby started crying hard in the car and I pulled over to comfort him right away. I could never let him go through that. It breaks my heart hearing him cry like that.
Erica is incredible❤ thank you for helping me in my motherhood journey ❤❤
I work from home to at a corporate job and have been having an internal struggle about quitting. I have a 2 month old and one a year old
The struggle is telling you something.
If you’re able to you should quit… for now. You can pick up your career again when the kids are grown. Trust me, you’ll regret, just like I do, working when your kids were little. They grow up so fast you don’t want to miss a minute especially knowing how important your presence is to their well-being.
At least you work from home and can check in with your babies! However, you should follow your instincts and do what you think is best. Maybe try cutting down to part time before you decide to quit?
You will never regret devoting 100% of yourself to your babies; if anything you will look back on those fragile years knowing you gave them all your attention, & feeling pure acceptance as you did right by them.. but if you don't do this, the regret is inevitable, & oftentimes unbearable as times goes on.
When you grew up at church and from immigrant parents, and worked in daycare for 14 yrs, that girl boss mentality doesn't and never did exist forme, its so sad when I hear that 😢
I love this lady!!
Love this advice! Regarding crying it out, I haven't done that per se with either child so far (2.5 years and 2 months). HOWEVER, these same children have used crying when under the age of 1 to soothe themselves. It was a major comfort for me to realize that my youngest will cry HARD for a few minutes right before falling asleep, even if I'm offering maximal soothing (cuddling on my chest, bouncing/rocking, shushing, bundling in blanket) . . . and that particular crying is needed to fall asleep.
I couldn't co-sleep anymore with my 18 month because he started stealing my pillow and kicking me in his sleep. So he cried in his crib for 30 mins, we checked on him and he stopped, fell asleep. Next night, same. Then he started falling asleep on his own, no crying. I couldn't let him cry it out before then, but I was getting no sleep and being a SAHM.
I was always an absolute monster in the morning and that completely went away when I had my son. It was amazing
Shes her sister in law?? I actually thought they were identical twin sisters. They look and sound so similar.
Loved this show. Thank you.
The lady at the bank asked me what my job was and I told her stay at home mom. But she didn't flinch lol I hae a small bussiness and was getting put on the bank account as a manager. I'm very proud of being amother more than anything lol
This is great! New subscriber. About to have my first baby 💕
Welcome and congratulations!!
Love this so much and couldn’t agree more! Thank for sharing! 🙌🏼
I stayed home with my two kids. My son cried and was stressed a lot as a baby. I read over 30 books and I could not soothe him so I just let him cry. Now he is 18 yrs and I have a lot of issues with him.
I just came across you guys because I love Erica... You guys are great! I shall be checking out more of your content.
In other cultures some mothers carry their children on their backs till they are toddlers
Most cultures did that
I did that with my first till he was a year and a half and I got too pregnant to constantly carry him. Best thing ever! Ergo baby was my savior 😂. It’s the only baby product I could never live without. Doing the same with my second child now. The babies love it too, they can see so much in there and are very stimulated.
Mothers nowadays are alone (no mother, grandmother and other family members around) and if you’re mentality not strong enough motherhood will be very hard. We have healthcare, internet, all kinds of clubs or groups but many people are not mentally in the position to organise that support system around them. Doing things alone is miserable. There’s even a trend of „married single mother“. We are expected to work as mothers and housekeepers, fathers are expected to only work. The shift is not completed. Once we found that balance and learned from mistakes as a society, it will be better.
Amazing discussion guys! ❤️❤️❤️
My mom struggled with depression and hypoglycemia. I inherited the same issues I want to break the cycle of abuse and negligt and be there for my kids .
24:57 train your husband?
WTF?
37:41 my 18 weeks, state paid maternity leave and my husbands 12 says otherwise. I don't know why an educated woman would say something like that when it is just not true.
That is amazing that you and your husband had paid time off.
I gave birth a few months ago and I did not have any paid maternity leave in my state and neither did the father of my child. His job wouldnt even let him take FMLA for more than a week off and he is trying to get a lawyer to fight it.
Unfortunately there are many of us out there who are not afforded any time off. Or we are only given unpaid time off where you still have to pay for your insurance while off.
It actually is true. Maternity leave is not accessible for everyone in the country. My old job in NJ didn't provide paid maternity leave.
Sooo these two aren’t twins? They look like twins
She lost me at "all mammals at the evolutionary way". I'm going to watch something else now.
I have 5 kids. I sing a LOT to them, I’m humming and singing while doing chores, I sing them to sleep. So all my 5 kids know exactly where I am at all times. lol. I sing to my baby while rubbing 2 kids backs and 2 snuggled up to me. So much love.
❤
How did you sleep "train"? I'm a new mom and my baby is 5 weeks, this week she hasn't been sleeping well unless she's in my arms and I don't know what to do.
@@osana6505 try getting a carrier and walking around with her during nap times. Put her on her belly until she gets frustrated during awake times. This gets her neck nice and strong and gets out her physical energy. I’m guessing nothing else is wrong that’s making her cry if she stops when she’s on you. You do NOT sleep train a 5 week old. The only thing I’ll say is this- from day 1, I set timers for breastfeeding every two hours. I train them to eat every two hours during the day (I alternate breasts in the beginning, by 5-6 weeks baby eats 15 mins both sides). If you feed train- the sleep comes. My last timer would be for like 9:30 pm then no timer until 7am or something like that. I’d let them sleep as long as they wanted during the night and didn’t worry bc I knew they were fed. I hope that makes sense. Some babies need food training. Others don’t. Appetites are different with every baby.
I relate so much to “changing my own record straight.” I went through a huge perspective shift after the birth of my first child, realizing I didn’t actually want to go back to work, even after a year. Now with 3 little kids, I feel so grateful to be home raising them, and my eyes have been opened to the warped, unhealthy view our culture has on mothering. It is hard and exhausting, but the transformation, if you’re open to it, is like nothing else. I think often it is difficult to admit the importance and value of a stay at home mother, because that then implies that mothers who aren’t at home with their kids are doing less than the ideal. People don’t want to offend. But we pay a price when the value is downgraded just because not everyone can/is doing it.
Came across you lovely ladies while searching for more Erica content. When I was a new mom and became part of a local Moms' group, I noticed for the first time just how much underlying competition and hostility there is between women. As a tomboy I never really exposed myself to women like that. I am glad to never have had the urge to fit in by adopting their ill will towards others, including their own offspring. I can't count how many times I overheard moms making a dig at other moms or their own children. It is the mass of female bullies that drive and direct this race into the emotional abyss. We need to continue to speak against this multi generational trend to snuff out our ability to love. Thank you all!
I'm sorry for your experience. Here's hoping we can be better so our daughters can be too!
You are so right when you said the moms who hate being moms are suffering and were mishandled as children. They can’t conceive of enjoying motherhood even if someone tries to explain it to them.
My mother’s excellent and I’ve been to therapy but not all women enjoy motherhood. It’s not for me I’d hate it as I can’t handle the noise or stress - love kids and pets when they aren’t my responsibility 24/7. I’d say it’s best to inform women and allow them to make the choice.
This is absolutely true. I was miserable as a mom and was severely abused as a child by both parents in different ways. I truly thought people who said they loved motherhood were full of crap and lying to the world and I resented myself for not feeling the way they did (because what if they were telling the truth and someone was wrong with me?)
Anyway after going to therapy and working on some childhood stuff I was finally truly able to see motherhood through a different lens. I even looked FORWARD to events that once would trigger me to my demise because it meant I got to help my child grow in maturity. I cried when I told my therapist I get it now. When people say that motherhood is a blessing I can finally relate with a grateful heart.
@@Coastpsych_fi99You can't say you don't enjoy motherhood when you haven't experienced it. That's not to say it's not for you. But it was not an experience you had.
I literally could not let my baby cry it out. It just didn’t feel right at all to me, he’s one and he goes to sleep fine
How broken is our language and society that we have to clarify we are a narcissist for wanting to be surrounded by a large, loving family when we pass.
I'm loving my maternal preoccupation! 7 months now and going strong!
Follow your child’s lead. They’ll let you know what they need. Trust your intuition which says to comfort your child. Be present with them. Listen to them. Give them your self. It goes by so fast.
Ridiculous how many lies are spread around. Some careless remark in a movie or sitcom ends up being perceived truth.
As it was written "honor your father and mother" we need to get back to that.
Babies are innocent ! U must nurture them 100% 🙏
Thanks for this interview! I also saw the Alex one and it’s given me lots to think about. And btw your audio and set are lovely!! I know how hard it is to make a podcast and video look and sound good and it’s sometimes overlooked so… kudos!!!
I make a Spanish podcast so, fellow podcaster here. Just subscribed!! ❤ thanks for your episodes.
Thank you for being here!
Cry it out is not neurologically damaging and unfortunately this makes Erica not trustworthy.
Ohh my what helpful needed truths spoken here !!! Thanks sooo much !!
I'm sure this talk mentions how if you don't enjoy motherhood, it was due to mishandling during childhood. I agree and disagree. I was raised by a single mother, so I've always been fiercely independent and always working for school or work. Being a wife and later mother, it feels like I'm doing nothing, but playing with my children and cleaning and putting others first. It is not mentally stimulating and I find it boring. So I started taking classes at a community college, 1 or 2. And it made me a better mother. I can focus on my family and while my children are under 3!!! I can have my own pursuits that only take time before they wake.
25 minutes. No the dad doesn't need to be a little mummy butterflies rainbows and unicorns for the kids when they fall, yes give a hug if really hurt but if its something small u teach them to pick themselves up. Dads r supposed to toughen u up
Love you girls! I am jumping here for a first time - what tou do is exemplary :) I am happy that there are people like you who consider normal both parents to stay at home and take care of your children. ❤Wish you the greatest of success if your channel and all of your endevours!
Thank you so much! 🥰 we're glad you're here!
I don't mean to sound dispassionate, judgemental or like a know it all about motherhood, I'm a mama of 4 and love being the mother of my wonderful children, but I feel there needs to be a bit of a reversal with modern motherhood. Not to generalize but a lot of mums seem to be relaxed on areas where it's important not to be like being their child's primary caregiver especially when young and are overly worked up in other areas like the "intuitive" aspects of every day mothering.
I don't agree with cry it out at all but honestly if you have multiple children there can be situations where it is hard to immediately comfort your baby and that's okay. Life happens and I think that's a lesson that a lot of new mothers need to learn. Now, practicing traditional mothering techniques like baby wearing, prolonged breastfeeding and safe cosleeping helps with that bonding and I think mends the times you can't immediately comfort your child. Also, baby wearing is the same as tummy time and it's extremely practical, you're giving that closeness and nurturing your bond while getting tasks done and not having to have "floor time". When it comes to time for baby to practice rocking for crawling just having them on the floor where you need to do your thing is enough. Having multiples is great because they help and play with each other and distract each other. Your subsequent children won't need as much immediate attention from you plus laying that foundation as a baby of security through baby wearing and breastfeeding helps.
also please know you're not going to break your baby if in some situations they cry and aren't or can't be immediately comforted. As long as you're practicing intentional and nurturing mothering you're baby will be okay, I promise. I think mothers need to develop a little bit of a tougher skin with this and remember the life happens.
The trouble is that my second born cried badly and a lot every time we changed his nappy, put him in a pram or car seat. He just screamed at daily activities.
He was in distress. Maybe tummy issues they don’t have many ways to communicate things to us.
According to my own personal research and experience, it’s the transition. Certain brains have more difficulties with transitions, big AND small. This type of brain is called neurodivergent. There’s a lot of neurodivergent brains in my family so I’ve been trying to learn a lot.
@@VanessaWaggoner We do suspect he may be neurodiveegent. Or as some people call highly sensitive person...
Such a lovely podcast!
Glad you enjoyed it!
My husband is the natural empath/nurturer in our relationship and I am the logical/"tough love" partner. I was very very against having children for years but had an awakening recently and after several hours, days, weeks, months of talking, we decided we would very much like to be parents. I'm very curious to see how our dynamic will be when we have kids since it's atypical. I am open to making changes and letting the experience transform me, and I know we will make it work, even if it looks a little different!
I feel like I wasted so much time when my oldest was a baby. I am an attorney and when I had my now 3.5 year old daughter I felt torn about returning to work but pushed through it for a long time until I couldn't do it anymore. A few months before she turned 2, I started working remotely unless I needed to be in court/meetings/depositions and lowered my hours to part time work. Before that, my mom and dad watched her every day while I was at work. She never went to daycare or mother's day out-- she was always at her house with my parents and I know that is second best, but I still feel terrible about the decision I made and wonder if I did damage to our relationship or if she is going to have some issue surface when she is older that stems from me not being there with her all day in those first 20 months. It breaks my heart and I just wish I could go back.
I don’t believe evolution is true. I believe the Lord created the heavens and the earth and we desire to create families because we were made in the image of God. We want to create and nurture and love because HE is a relational God and we are relational beings.
But I love hearing your ideas from that perspective, and I love how it still lines up with Biblical principles. I definitely needed some of this information!!! 💛 Thank you.
Loved this podcast! I had honestly never heard of your channel but clicked on it right away when I saw Erica's name.
She is literally incredible.
Home full time with my 4 kids under 5 and I love it!
My mother devoted her entire life to myself and my sister. She was always there she worked from home so we always had her close by and I knew immediately as soon as I got pregnant that I was never working again. I never wanted kids I thought they ruined your life and were a burden, I was so wrong and staying home with my son is the best decision I've ever made.
I am in the process of TTC and can’t find any positive stories, podcasts, or accounts about pregnancy, motherhood, or parenting. This conversation is refreshing.
So glad you found us! Motherhood is the greatest thing I've done ❤️
It seems that this podcast has no words for the parent who is desperate for sleep 😅. It seems like moms on this podcast had kids who eventually slept all night after 2,3,6 months.
And now they feel all high and mighty judging other moms.
My son is 17 months old. It's just my husband and I. No grandparents, no support system, no one. We're immigrants in the US.
We have resisted the cry it out method so far. But he's about to be 2 and still wakes up every two hours like clockwork. My husband works full time, I take care of the baby and home and he helps the best he can. We're both exhausted, we haven't had a full night sleep in forever.
I knew things were taking a turn to the worst when I started contemplating unaliving myself.
Sleep is important. Rest is important. My husband and I didn't stop mattering as people the day we became parents. We are still human beings who should be able to sleep longer than 2 hours at a time.
These podcasts conveniently ignore moms like me. Never come up with any solution for us, but feel comfortable tanking a method who's not ideal but has shown results and has been studied and doesn't harm the child long term.
They think we're out there happily ignoring our kid's cries.
No, people, we're trying to make sure we don't get su*c*dle.
Hey! I’m so sorry you’re in the thick of it right now! We have an interview with Stephanie Ray with Bioray that might be helpful for you. Also a couple thoughts/recommendations that helped my kiddo who had sleep issues. 1: magnesium lotion. 2. Bioray sleepy tinctures. 3. Chiropractic adjustments. 4. Removed inflammatory foods dairy & gluten from my diet (I was nursing at the time), but maybe try eliminating those to see if your kiddo feels better. 5. Epsom salt/Magnesium baths. 6. The instagram account TakingCARAbabies was HUGE for us. Send us a message on instagram. You’re not alone 🖤
Hi, I just want to say, ‘cry it out’ is leaving the kid alone in a room crying. There are ways to help your toddler sleep by allowing him to cry in your arms. If he’s been nursed or comforted his entire life, it’s only natural that he will be upset when that is taken away from him. But when he’s upset and crying and you’re there to comfort him, it’s not the same as ‘cry it out’.
Look into Aware Parenting - which is part of attachment parenting that is a very nuanced and balanced perspective.
You’re not alone. Many of us have the same story.
Sending love your way x
How does ur baby fall asleep? Like does he take a bottle do u read to him rock him etc??
Whatever method ur using to put baby to sleep he wakes up expecting that ...
If ur child still naps in the day try getting rid of the nap and is he having a lot to drink b4 bed? Sometimes that bothers them?
Iv got 6 kids and all were kinda different when it came to sleep. It's very hard😢
If nothing works have u seen paediatrician? Sending prayers...
What’s a “unicorn”?
Rare breed
We can’t compare us to animals. Animals don’t have phone bills, car payments, car insurance or rent to pay. If we only worried about food ofc it would be great. School districts, medical insurance. Etc etc we are ofc nothing like animals
I disagree with you.
We are living in an animal body, with a higher conscience.
Bills, or car insurance are not written in our DNA.
But it is wired within our body all that she mentioned.
and if we can't provide that for children, better don't have any.
We are animals, we are just the most intelligent animals. We are what we are, and ignoring this fact is part of the reason we are having so many problems in the first place.
Correct. We are humans. God made animals. God made humans. Same designer which is why there are some similarities.
23:42
Father's do it best.
Whoever is the primary is the person that the child goes to, it's not based on gender.
Yes it is. Mothers and fathers are not interchangable.
@@Friggsdottir OK sweetheart,
Children before the age of 3 bond with one person who is there to help them when they cry. They cry before they are pre-verbal because they need food or a diaper or they are just tired. Babies actually develope different cries depending on what there need is at the moment. I can tell what my daughter needed before she could speak better than her mother could. When children are in this formative state they bond with the person who is actually there for them, it doesn't matter if it is a male or a female, they bond with the person that is there to care for them. They can't tell the difference between mommy and daddy until they are 8 months old because their vision and hearing is still developing the neural pathways. Men can be better care givers than their mother's. Men are competitive also so they do it with the intention to do it the best.
It is definitely based on the sex of the parent. If you research the mother baby dyad you will understand-
What about the teenage daughter that doesn’t want children even tho the mom did stay home with her and nurse her and loved being able to raise her!? 😢
@@CG-mj8tk She’s a teenager, of course she doesn’t want kids. Give her grace, pray for her, and mentor her. It wasn’t until my mid 20’s that the desire to have children. 🖤
I didnt want kids until 5. year i was married to my husband. His supportive character deffinitily changed that. Now i am pregnant with our first :)
@@WaraiTube wow! Amazing. Ty ☀️
she is a teenager, she has other desires. Be grateful she doesn’t want children atm and isn’t trying to be a Teenage mother just because babies are cute! Encourage her to seek a young man of character and what that looks like. Teach her self esteem and relationship skills. Don’t place her worth on having children, some women can’t or won’t be able to for many reasons.
Let her be a teenager! And pursue skills and abilities that will do her well as an adult, whether or not she will have the opportunity to be a mother. She doesn't have all her ducks in a row mentally until around the mid twenties anyhow, what she wants to do now might be light years away from what she wants when she's old enough to go to college. Bond with her as a human, not as a potential mother.