Husband Can’t Understand the Challenges I Face at Home
HTML-код
- Опубликовано: 6 фев 2025
- Husband Can’t Understand the Challenges I Face at Home
Next Steps:
📞 Ask John a question: ter.li/0pimqr
📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life: ter.li/TDJDSBNAL
📝 Anxiety Test: ter.li/6zeike
📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future: ter.li/TDJDSOYP
❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards: ter.li/TDJDSQFH
💭 John's Free Guided Meditation: ter.li/mnl8mg
🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show T-Shirts: ter.li/p2ekj1
Connect With Our Sponsors:
• 10% off your first month of therapy at BetterHelp ⮕ bit.ly/3seobce
• Three free months of Hallow ⮕ www.hallow.com...
• 25% off Thorne orders ⮕ www.thorne.com...
• 20% off Organifi with code DELONY ⮕ www.organifi.c...
• 25% off plus two free pillows at Helix Sleep ⮕ www.helixsleep...
• $350 off Pod 4 Ultra at Eight Sleep ⮕ https//www.eightsleep.com/delony/
• 40% off Cozy Earth products with code DELONY ⮕ www.cozyearth....
• 20% off DeleteMe with code DELONY ⮕ www.joindelete...
• 10% off the Core or All-In package at Marek Health with code DELONY ⮕ www.marekhealt...
• Free T-shirt or hat with any button-down shirt order at Poncho Outdoors with code DELONY ⮕ www.ponchooutd...
Listen to More From Ramsey Network:
🎙️ The Ramsey Show ⮕ ter.li/wtjnp7
💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights ⮕ ter.li/3opzgn
🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour ⮕ ter.li/iy4cj0
💡 Rachel Cruze ⮕ ter.li/46pj7d
💰 George Kamel ⮕ ter.li/9rrvlr
💼 The Ken Coleman Show - Highlights ⮕ ter.li/drmpbx
📈 EntreLeadership ⮕ ter.li/ux0fyw
Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy
www.ramseysolu... -
Products:
Building a Non-Anxious Life: store.ramseyso...
Questions for Humans: Couples: store.ramseyso...
Own Your Past, Change Your Future: store.ramseyso...
2025 Ramsey Goal Planner: store.ramseyso...
Total Money Makeover: store.ramseyso...
Questions for Humans: Friends: store.ramseyso...
Questions for Humans: Parents & Kids: store.ramseyso...
Baby Steps Millionaires: store.ramseyso...
Get Clear Assessment: store.ramseyso...
![Blox Fruits Dragon Rework Update [Full Stream]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/EqDAp8udhm0/mqdefault.jpg)
I was a work from home mum and the house was generally clean. One day hubby came home and said "What have u been doing all day"? So the next day I did nothing, not even for the business, he came home, no food, house was a mess, 100 messages on the machine, children under three let it rip the place apart, no washing done, breakfast and lunch plates everywhere and I was watching TV. HE WAS SHOCKED!!!😛 And I said, Thats what I do all day. Wanna TRADE!!! He shut up after that.
That is badass lol
You didn’t have to say anything, the work spoke for itself
Awesome!!! 🎉 You a queen!!! ❤
@@AngelicaNightingale If the roles were reversed, and the stay at home husband did this, you'd be calling him a deadbeat.
Would this before or after the wife came home and asked what he did all day?
This husband has the best of both worlds - a wife who cares full-time for their kids and saves them a fortune on childcare costs, AND supplements their household income by a third.
Instead of criticising her and acting like her overseer, he needs to respect her professional and parenting decision-making, and clean up the damn mess himself, if he's so bothered by it.
This!!!
@@lavienestpasunlongfleuvetr2559 No this husband is getting 50% of both worlds at best. One person cannot work full time and be a homemaker at the same time. This lady wants to work a job, half ass the house work and childcare, and expects her husband to support the bad decision making to boot. All while she drives herself insane by trying to be in 2 worlds at once. Their options are outsource the childcare/housework and she continues to work a full time job to help pay for those expenses, or she quits her work to be a stay at home mother. This way the housework and kids are being properly done and she can go “use her brain”
@@Nostradevus1 I was a full time homemaker who had three children five years apart. Never had two babies at once. I can tell you, from experience, that even then messes don't get cleaned up near as fast as a lot of people would think they would.
And why does she have to give up the self worth that employment offers? Try to figure out how to cover a gap in her resume? The gap in MY resume means that I have to doubly prove that I can "use my brain" to people like you.
Exactly and she’s a wimp I would have told him to go f*** himself 😂
@@Nostradevus1maybe he should quit his job or reduce his hours. How about he find a remote job?
For 40 years my father worked and was heavily involved in church and community organizations. My mother worked, maintained the home, and reared the kids. One day, after he retired, she came home from work and tripped over the tongue of the trailer he hauled the furniture he loved to repair and refinish. She broke her elbow. After a few days of housekeeping under her direction, he was "man enough" to tell her that if he had known housework was so hard, he would never have left her with the kids so much while we were growing up. For the last 6 years of their marriage, he helped with the housework, allowing them to spend more time together before he died.
this is so wholesome and sweet.. but also makes me so angry that men just.. don't know. Like we universally go "throw some food together, vacuum, how hard could it be?" and never give it a further thought, even if women are literally pleading to be understand, tying themselves into knots to explain (in general, I mean, not about your parents) and men still only understand once it affects them directly.
Beautiful but so late. Your mother must have been a kind patient woman to not complain to him. Or maybe she respected him and how he spent his time so much.
That is a good husband♡
Better late then never. I was ill a few times after an accident and post-partum and put on bed rest for healing but my husband never acknowledged what I bring to the table and could not accommodate the housekeeping or children instead got frustrated n said for how long does a person remain ill.i had to move on n get up and take over despite being in pain. So at least your father acknowledged n helped out.6 years is long too
That speaks volume of what kind of woman your mom is! Without complaining, that's so hard
My recommendation is to ask your husband to take three personal days off and come home and work from home and do all the things that you normally do while you go to Starbucks and work from there. That way he can implement all the suggestions that he has made to you and see how they work..
Perfect!!!💋
This. Is a GREEEEAT mf idea.
The idiots would make another excuse, “Eell, Idk how you usually do things”, turn it against you no matter what.
@@donnasearch1 BRILLIANT! This needs to be pinned
Great idea!
“I haven’t failed him…I don’t need a pat on the back…I’m doing the things…I just don’t need criticism!!!” ❤❤❤ THIS!
That goes BOTH ways too. I know a ton of guys that bust their rear ends, do a ton around the house to help out and just get nagged at.
@@bch5513 well then you know the wrong people or, mistaking "nagging" for a cry for help. This woman is hitting it out of the park with raising babies while working and running a household. I think her priorities are spot on, and yet she is the one caring who her husband and very little for her own self-worth. This is not "working both ways!"
@@bch5513 There is no hint of nagging in this discussion.
@@bch5513 It happens for sure, but not in this case.
Make your children pick up after themselves.
So he gets to leave the house, have time to himself while he commutes, and have coffee and lunch breaks alone or with friend. He’s able to focus 100% on his job, and that’s it. He comes home, tired from work, and expects perfection. His wife has been stuck in the house all day, no breaks, working a full time job and caring for infants. This man needs to come home and tell his wife to take a break while he takes care of his children and does some tidying up.
Or she gets to spend all day with children she loves while he has to commute and deal with a boss he hates potentially doing dirty dangerous work.
@@starspaceschool587 The wife may hate her own boss just as much. And dirty work? What’s dirtier than changing the diapers and cleaning up the messes of two infants? And so what if he does “dangerous” work? If he wasn’t married, he’d still be doing the work, but then having to come home and cook himself dinner and clean up the house. So he gets married and has two kids, and ends up doing less household work than he did before he got married; meanwhile his wife is looking after her own children as well as a grown man. Men complain that all they are is “a paycheque”, when in reality, this is all they’re bringing to the marriage.
@@hilaryb8807 given you don’t give men any appreciation why should a man give you any appreciation if all your going to do is belittle him. After all you don’t bring anything to a marriage but a headache and a burden.
@@starspaceschool587It's very clear You've never cared for children 24/7. The way you paint the picture, if he has been doing that all day wouldn't he just love to come home and care for the children that he loves? Wouldn't that be stress relieving for him? If it's just so wonderful because you love them? You sound ridiculous
@@starspaceschool587who are you talking to in this comment and what do you even mean? Appreciation for the husband? Are you talking to a commenter? Your feelings towards women are blatantly obvious and you're coming off. Weird
Nikki’s husband wants a traditional housewife on a poor man’s budget. He’s not a traditional provider so he simply cannot afford a housewife. He needs to contribute to housework or he’s just another child, a burden.
I've only listened to some. But I am suspicious of women who say that they need to work to put their mind into something else. Really lady, you have two children under 2. You should not be working. I don't think she enjoys being a mother and her husband sees it.
@@leannebuntain2614
Who's to say she can afford not to work? Plus, if she wants to work then that's her choice. She shouldn't be forced not to work just because her husband might not want to clean up around the house.
Very well said
These men should consider what a maid, daycare, and prostitute actually would cost and step tf up.
@@leannebuntain2614Wow. If a man works and has children, he can still love being a parent but if a woman works then she must not love being a parent? I strongly disagree.
She needs to present him with 3 options: 1. He comes home and cleans all the things that he is unhappy about each day as part of his routine. 2. She can cut back to 20 hours per week and he can decide to work more or live on less. 3. Hire a cleaners and live on less. But she needs to tell him that there is no option that includes her working full time, providing full time child care, AND doing all the housework - and also no option that includes him complaining. She's already doing 2 full time jobs, one of which is child care, which means she literally gets no break during the day. He gets a lunch and breaks to himself BY LAW. She's probably lucky to get a pee by herself. He can stuff it.
@@tammyschilling5362 I would return with option 4 - separate households, she can get another job to pay for her bills, he can live in peace. Problem solved.
She said it was her choice. She decided to be a homemaker and have a job because just taking care of her family isn't enough for her
@@Dansyoung he wouldn't live in peace unless he is abandoning his children
@@DansyoungYou sound very bitter. He created a family with her and he’s not taking the responsibility he should be taking. Who cares about his peace
@@AnonymousOneThree This is the issue. Why should he be in a relationship where she doesn’t care about what he wants as well? Men want VERY little in a relationship - peace, loyalty, companionship. If she’s not willing to work towards that as a team, you may as well throw in the towel.
I never said anything about abandoning children. You can have split custody, time to recharge and have an amazing time with your kids.
Husbands are really bad about expecting their wives to do stuff they aren't willing to do themselves. He knows his wife is home all day working a full-time job AND taking care of two children under two years old but still chooses to get upset with her if he sees a mess he could easily clean up himself. He actively chooses to be upset with her. It's stuff like this that is making women say no to marriage. We don't have to put up with this crap anymore.
Good thing your not married to him. Go be alone.
Given limited info, women tend to assume the most malicious of intents from men's actions.
@@cichlidtube1777 I ditched my whining man child 4 years ago, now I still do everything... Except take care of another adult and also have to put out for a sulky jerk. So far being "alone" (still have my child lmao) is great. 😂 Never doing the man thing again.
@@JukiCombo men often do have malicious intent, right? They use women for sex or a maid....
@@cichlidtube1777 Sir, women don't care about being alone anymore. That "insult" doesn't work.
Husband is definitely very unappreciative. My wife and i are in an almost identical situation and if i come home from work and see a mess somewhere all i think is that my wife must have had a very busy day between trying to get work done and caring for our 3 kids. I then happily clean up the mess. You should take pride in making your significant other's life easier.
Finally a good husband
Wish they all thought like you!
You're delusional he is working and is tired... No one wants to come home and keep working. She's lazy and telling a swayed story.
This... He's so upset that him man explaining why the floor should be clean to her is not working but he didn't think to grab the vacuum or broom tidy up and go give her a kiss and a hug... 😢
The hallmark of a good hubby!
My husband is an appreciative man but he started to complain about what was for dinner about year 25 of our marriage. Y'all know what it does to your brain to orchestrate just dinner every single day for 25 years? Well, some nights it was going to be frozen pizza. I insisted he take over the job for the summer. He liked this idea because he could cook what he wanted to eat. He maintained enthusiasm for about two weeks. Then the reality set in. And the relief brought on by deciding to serve leftovers, which he used to dislike. He cooks often now because then he can cook what he wants to eat, but never complains about a frozen pizza or leftovers.
This caller's husband needs some practical learnin'
Yep! She needs to leave him on his own for two weeks.
OMG, complaining about leftovers? He would die at my house. I always cook enough for at least two nights, sometimes three.
Perfect!
@@tammyschilling5362 I mean, I get it, my mom was the leftover queen and I'd rather not have them either. We've learned to cook a little different so the leftovers aren't so leftover-y.
ETA: We're having leftovers tonight. Butter chicken my husband made a couple weeks ago and we froze. The rice will be fresh. That's kind of the difference. Some starches don't freeze well, like pastas.
I'm going to add a bit of how we structure life at my house, in my marriage.
Life is a three legged stool. One leg is assets and money. Another is chores and upkeep. The third is fun, hobbies, relaxation and spirituality.
No one leg is more important than the other. We both have the responsibility of those legs balancing even if we are both doing different tasks to make sure they do. No one is more important if they make the money, ordo more chores. Hobbies and fun are a non-negotiable. The legs are genderless and off balance for one of us is off balance for both of us. We are a team, so we figure out what needs to stay or go to keep that balance.
Reading the comments, I think there is an aspect that women do not understand. Men think housework is easy. It is easy- if it were one thing and it stayed done. It’s like if you put gas in the car and never had to do it again. It isn’t like that. Men will say, well I mow the grass. Well Honey you don’t do that every day, multiple times a day. Unlike the nature of chores that happen in the home. Even without children, nothing stays clean. Even an abandoned house falls into ill repair and accumulates dirt.
I think another issue is that people who think like that are used to not doing it all the time. People who have to clean up after kids or clean for a living know how quickly things don't stay clean. And with 2 kids under 2? That's nit gonna last more than a second.
You said it’s women who don’t understand a specific aspect of men, but then you describe men thinking housework is easy. It seems to me that men don’t understand the aspect of housework
@@izzywox8246 the ones that come home bitching to a worn out wife def. think things are easy but no matter what, they don't VALUE it if they are ignoring your workload and assume you sit and eat bon bons all day. My husband never comes home and complains but he also doesn't do anything. Men typically tend to think their work is more important no matter what. Which is why they all need to work and be breadwinners since what they think is out of touch with reality most of the time.
As a divorced man I can confirm that it is easy, laundry is putting clothes in and pressing a button, dishes are the same. Raising kids is difficult and juggling 3-4 things at a time can be hard - but the secret is: to not to take it out on the partner, discussing your issues and everyone working together, that’s what a family is supposed to do.
After divorce I wasn’t thinking “wow my ex did so much” instead it was just blissful peace, if the kids take a couple toys out - they can stay there until the next day who cares.
House cleaning is easy. If you keep up with it… aka don’t let the mess get out of hand!
IF HE SEES THE MESS WHY CAN'T HE HELP BY CLEANING THE MESS.
I agree with you but in your statement there is THE mistake: it's not helping, it's sharing chores.
Just think you live alone: you have to do chores if you don't want to drown in waste 😅
So in a couple who helps who? Nobody.
The weight is carried together so it's lighter for both.
Less than one decide to BE a chore
Such an obvious solution. Clean up if you see a mess, help when things need to be done. Stop expecting the other partner to run around like a crazy person. It's that easy!
He thinks that he is above that kind of work.
Division of labor has nothing to do with the proportion of income.
Because he’s a Neanderthal.
My friends, married for 10 yrs, both worked. Ended up going to counseling because he would get mad because the house wasnt spotless. The councilor said to the hubby that there was nothing stopping him from cleaning. He replied that it was a womans job. Needless to say they are now divorced.
All ladies need to have this conversation before marrying, it's just an easy talk.
What I’ve slowly learned is that the old saying of “team work makes the dream work” holds true, especially with kids. EVERYONE male/female needs to make an equal effort.
@@hellequinm they lie so talking means nothing.
It doesn't matter. He can also clean. @digitalaccessibilityacademy
@@ThePinkPantha21 honestly, they don't. What I see a lot is that ladies are not asking the right questions, there's way to know what a person things without asking them the question directly.
This guy acts like she just sits at home and does nothing all day. He should be bowing down to her for working a full time job and taking care of their children instead of complaining. She sounds like a rockstar to me.
Yeah, I don't know how in the world she does it. She's totally amazing, and he seems to have no clue
Because she has to
He wants a traditional housewife without being a traditional provider husband. He cannot afford a housewife.
It’s an epidemic. Women need to stop rewarding this crap
Nailed it!
What a stupid take. He's besting his ass at work and gets annoyed by minor things in the house. Men don't want chaos when they come home.
@@michaellloyd8504 BRO, she works a full-time job (as he does) and she also cleans, cooks, takes care of children. she's equally tired as he is from her job and has another full time job (a mother)
If she leaves him, maybe he can afford a maid 🤭
Her salary is the 1/3 of the household income + the cost of childcare for two kids + being a daytime maid.
exactly. do you know how much a nanny costs?!! and a nanny is STILL limited in her cleaning abilities! (i used to be a nanny for a high profile family and I did all of the laundry and kept the house clean) Just the nanny, homemaker aspect 8 hours a day 7 days a week is worth 60-70k/year. he needs to add THAT to her value. not to mention that you wont get everything you want in a NANNY, anyway. nobody will do everything the 'perfect' way
And nighttime sex worker
Don't forget life planner, driver and cook
If he sees it ...he should fix it. You have enough to do. Make himself useful.@@cozetteoconnor1289
I think something that wasn’t pointed out in this call was that he too, can pick up the mess… I can’t stand men who step over the mess and then complain about it!
Dr D said this numerous times
He’d find it in his bed tbh
This should have been a 10min call the most cuz this is child’s play
Or complains about it and makes the whole house feel aweful while he cleans it up.
😅
She's at 100% and he's giving her advice how to work at 110%.
He sees it as her problem keeping the house clean. His advice is to help her with her problem. He needs to see it as a joint problem or a him problem. She's doing 3 full time jobs while he does 1.
This
Have the husband stay at home with the kids all day and see how productive he is. He doesn’t understand how much she’s doing in a day. I work from home with my kids too. It’s a lot
My husband has done this to me for the last 14 years, since we had kids and my schedule had to be more flexible. I stressed out my nervous system arguing with him and defending myself. No more. Now I’m like it is what it is and he can pout if he wants but I’m not gonna kill myself to get impossible amounts of stuff done daily.
Love this. Good job!
Good! And then when he complains that you don’t care about him anymore, you can kindly remind him if he shared the household chores with you instead of (still) complaining and making your life miserable, you would’ve had more time to care.
I'm sorry you have this situation, it's a marrital joy killer. 😢
Anytime my husband would try to critique me with loving/helpful hints.
My response would/is, oh honey thank you so much for taking care of that for me.
I have had my hands full.
When I was small and my mom was a stay at home mom for a few years, every year she took a week of skiing vacation with her parents or sister while my father took over the household and looking after me and my brother. Made him realize that it is hard work.
How is this hard for Dr Delaney to give the simple fast solution: have the husband work full time and watch the kids all day with zero help from the wife. Just 1 week in her shoes. And IF he is able to take care of YOUNG kids and work full time and keep an immaculate house, then (and only then) will she agree to try his suggestions. This conversation gave me so much rage for her- like why is she suppose to keep the house clean? He is a grown adult who didn’t have 2 small kids demanding his attention all day. He can do the cleaning. Whatever isn’t done for the day, he can do it
This would work if he's a good man and a reasonable person. My husband would insist the kids never do anything that makes any mess, and he wouldn't take time to change the diapers, regardless of the need. Then he'd say he could manage to keep the house clean. I tried having a part-time job and leave him with the children. He'd rather have two jobs than care for the children. And the baby spent the evening in the crib in his messy diaper. (The final outcome was he left and I was shocked-- but, frankly, relieved.) Today, my children are faithful husbands and fathers who work as a team with their wives. They had practice working as a team with me. I earned money from home and we all worked together with household chores.
If she got a job that covered their expenses then she could offer that option.
To add on, it's HIS children too.... he is not liberated from his responsibility to care for them that goes along with what she does for them.
My wife is basically this man, so it’s not a gender thing. I get the kids ready, get them to school, then commute to work, then have to be back home by 3 for the bus, finish working, prepare dinner. If a kid is sick, has a dr appointment, school is cancelled, etc. it’s always on me to handle it.
I pick up the house before she gets home, but she will literally inspect the house and point out anything that is out of place. And she always finds something. Basically, the first thing I hear from her every evening is that I didn’t do enough.
Only if the kids aren’t parked in front of the TV all day. I can get a TON of housework done if I neglect my kids
The first week my husband and I got married I told him, I am not your mother so the work is shared. 54 years later it still works.
My mom once said something to my husband about how he got up and got his own plate at a function instead of my serving him. He replied, "My legs ain't painted on."
That's wonderful!
You sound insufferable
I was lucky to have a father as an example. He worked 3 jobs but on Sunday, after church, he would cook roast beef dinner with all the fixings and he enjoyed doing dishes. I miss you dad. ❤️
@@sharonleis1365 What a lovely memory!
One of the best things that happened when my husband and I started having kids, was he stayed home M-F to look after our twins. When our twins were 1.5 yrs old we had a 3rd baby and our roles changed, he worked M-F. If he comes home and the house is a mess, he completely understands and steps in to help me.
Love it!
"...steps in -to help me- ."
I really love how Dr. John verbally empathizes with the callers. *heavy sigh* "I'm sorry." That can mean so much to someone who is feeling overwhelmed and underappreciated. Thank you, Dr. John, for being the understanding so many of us need. ❤
Mother of six here. It IS OK to leave the dishes till the next day. Sometimes. Often.
People are the priority, always. Not things.
It is not realistic to expect a perfectly clean home all the time.
EVEN WITH A MAID!
This is real life. Not a tv commercial.
If I see someone’s house is showroom clean all the time I feel very sad for them. Either they aren’t living in their own home or they are so ocd about keeping it up that the actual people are left to the wayside.
Human beings matter. Life is messy. You need to be appreciated for all the hard work you do, and not criticized for not doing everything!
You have two full-time jobs.
He has one.
Period.
Uhhhh who should be getting criticized for not helping out more and for not being understanding???
Come on now. This is 2024. It’s not life on the prairie where the cowboys go out and the women stay home.
Guess what? Even in those days, the dishes got left till the next day…
Smh
❤❤❤Yes Mama!
I always told my husband that if you don't like that there are dishes or the house not picked up then YOU can do something about it. I worked full time, average 12 hours or more a day. I'm not the only person that made the mess.
Amen. I’ve did this with my wife. But it was more of an eyebrow raise 🤨. She got the hint.
It’s YOUR job!!!!!
@@miketheyunggod2534 no it's not
@@miketheyunggod2534Get back to your cavern and S TFU 🤣🤣🤣
@@miketheyunggod2534Why is it her job? Are you saying that as a grown man you're incapable of cleaning up after yourself? That you need mommy to take care of your mess for you?
She needs to tell him: "I'm not the only one who lives here."
He has the best wife ever. Full time job, no child care, cooks dinner. What does she need him for?
Didn’t you hear he makes 66 percent of their income!
@@cutehumor She makes 1/3 + Price of the child care + being a maid
She needs him to tell her she isn't good enough, duh
@@ArijanaLukic she can make more money and pay for childcare and house cleaning service
They should love each other
There’s a super simple solution to this situation. There are 2 adult partners in this home. When he comes home, instead of wasting time trying to micromanage his partner, he needs to ‘roll up his sleeves’ and get to work helping. Instead of seeing things that bug or irritate him and passing that on, he needs to take care of it himself. He needs to understand what love looks like, what partnering looks like. And it doesn’t look like me assuring the person I chose to partner with that they aren’t measuring up. If something ever happens to his partner, he’ll find out real quick what he had in her. He needs to get new lenses to see thru. It’s tiresome dealing with, much less living with, a micromanager.
Oh man this makes me so grateful for my husband. I am a stay at home mom with a one year old and I’m not working a job outside the home. Yes, sometimes the house is messy when he comes home. He simply helps me clean. Never throws an attitude at me/ our family. He just helps and is understanding that some days our daughter has more needs and I don’t get the dishes done, or whatever.
Same here, my husband would rather help than criticize. Some men don’t deserve what they have for sure!
❤ My stepdad is the same way. All man, all the time, and also has never been afraid to pick up a broom, run a vacuum, throw a roast in the oven or do some dishes after dinner.
This poor woman! She’s a super woman and this man is another child. My heart is with her ♥️
The husband sounds very annoying and unappreciative. If he doesn’t like the mess, he can start up the vacuum and help clean when he gets home.
@Panda_Whisperershe has a job!
I understand. When my oldest was 6, (4 kids 6 and under). One day my husband came home and looked around the house and immediately said, "we need a house cleaner". We had a house cleaner for several years. God Bless my husband.
Now THAT is what providing is.
As a stay home mom of 2 under 3, I know this woman is working at full capacity everyday. She's got a full time job, cares for the kids, does the housework and shopping and he STILL comes home and expects the everything to be clean and tidy!?! That is the epitome of unreasonable expectations to me. He needs to put himself in her shoes for a change and stop thinking just about what she isn't doing
Yes, if ye could work from home, take care of the kids and clean the house, do the shopping and more for a year while she works outside the home, then they could discuss it intelligently. He doesn't have a clue what it takes. That is the first step, he needs to experience trying to do it all with a critical partner who offers ideas instead of doing their part when they get home. She still works when he gets home, and he got a lunch break, bathroom break and commutes to decompress. When is she "off" or does she "get breaks"?
I would kill to have a wife like that, not only would I thank her I'd get the Cheerios without her asking.
Preparing a grocery list, Shopping, Putting groceries away, Preparing food, Cooking food, Cleaning up food itself as a full-time job.
Keeping a house, orderly and deeply cleaned and organized can easily be a full-time job.
Raising children, especially those under age 8, Is a full-time job.
Working from home is a job, It can be full or halftime.
Someone remind me why a woman is responsible for all of this?
Never mind that society used to expect that the woman would care for the aging parents on both sides.
This husband is a weasel. Get to work, it’s your boat, sir. Your wife is your helpmate not your slave.
And laundry
@@deniseowens1163 how could I forget?Yes, laundry, too. Thank you.
Add on childcare cost onto wife's income, it will become apparent how valuable she is to the household budget
My wife is a stay-at-home mom partially BECAUSE it made sense financially. Granted, we knew we’d rather our son was raised by her than daycare, but even that aside, her not working and instead staying at home to care for him was a better financial decision.
The cost of childcare is no joke. I won’t shame parents who send their kids to childcare, but we’re confident in the decision we made.
I’m going to do this for my sanity. I’m a full time mom - 2 under 2 , and I work full time from home very stressful job. I’m looking for day care and we’ll see.
Childcare is a joke. 1500-2000 per kid a month. Insanity
Her husband feels that raising the children and keeping the house clean is her job 100%. He is the third child in the house. Her complaining won't change a thing.
What’s the alternative? Her struggling to pay the bills herself, while still needing to clean it all - but without someone else to get mad and blame it on.
100%. She is a married single mother.
The deep seeded resentment women seem to have towards men, usually ends up in the women destroying their own lives, and hurting their children.
She needs to hire a nanny or put the kids in daycare
@@Dansyoung It's vice - versa. Men are having deep-seeded resentment towards women. That is why her husband is never happy even though she is working full time and taking care of the kids. He wants to put zero effort and have everything he wants.
The husband has it so easy in this situation! Anyway you cut it, he has the ideal situation. Doesn't have to worry about paying for child care, doesn't have to worry about cleaning up, doesn't have to worry about cooking his own meals. Wow
Or having his kids possibly abused by putting them in daycare.
I’m a working mom and during my maternity leave, I can say that being a full time mom is far more challenging than working! It’s a separate job from doing household chores.. And I used to work 2 jobs! The tiresome and exhaustion from staying at home and caring and raising another human being is just on another level… especially nowadays when it’s hard to have a village who can help..
I think most working mothers don't understand the loneliness that comes with being a stay at home mother....
And you are so right about the lack of village these days.
I have 5, been a stay at home mother for almost 20 years - high risk pregnancy, so had to stay home - my eldest will be 19 in November, youngest is 6.
They are my people 🤷♀️
They are non stop.
After school activities, school activities, cooking, cleaning, washing - it's constant.
My husband also travels alot.
He just got home from a one and a half week trip and leaves in a week for another 3 weeks...
The lack of village, adult company, doing the same thing over and over - it takes a lot to not lose your marbles 😂
And I do it alone, most of the time.
I'm so thankful for my husband. I was really sick the last 6 months and he took care of everything and learned new things like laundry 😂 He does everything and he says now that he's happy that he can also do everything what I can. Now we don't ever argue about house chores. He knows now also how hard it is and appreciates the smallest things and I do also verse visa 😊
Something I find ironic is when a husband asks how the house is a mess when the wife has been home all day. Time to ask the husband, if he works all day, why aren't you bringing home $$$$ millions.
I would put the wife to work to pay for a house cleaning service
House cleaning and childcare. And better take kids to school, playdates, dr, dentist, and extra curricular activities. She'll be too busy working 💪
@@labrigful you don’t have to clean the house or provide any childcare with a nanny. Work two jobs to pay for it
@@cutehumor In 2024, in many countries, a man can't "put his wife to work" like she's his employee or property.
@@cutehumor Provided that the mother is a loving & in tune mom, no need for a nanny. Maybe the husband, father of the children ought to help her out or adjust his attitude. Parenting & keeping housework tidy is the responsibility of every able-bodied person living in the house.
I did this same thing and it absolutely burned me down to the ground. Now, our marriage is recalibrating and it isn't easy.
Nothing worth having is ever easy.
@@HorseLady1109breathing is easy. It can be easy.
@@alwaysyouramanda Breathing is natural. Rebuilding a marriage is not, not should it be.
You worked, and kept children alive, safe, fed, and well loved. You gave over 100% and he isn’t doing his fair share
This husband should see the state of his home and see it as a RED FLAG about their lifestyle. This is not sustainable. You can have a clean home with two under two and a working wife WHILE the kids go to daycare, IF you hire a house cleaner once a week. Can’t have it all man she’s one human doing the job of three.
U can tell she's very intelligent at least I get that vibe. She seems so nice.
Lmg you think you're very intelligent and also happen to agree with everything she said? As the you by chance 35+ 3:58cand white, divirced aswell at leadt once?
@@Tell-lie-visionI am a 36-yo male, white, father of three and married and think that she sounds very intelligent. Now what?
Alot of OF models are intelligent and kind. What's your point?
Found the incel porn addict @@JukiCombo
She didn't sound nice or intelligent at all. She said she couldn't be a 'stay at home mom' because she needs to occupy her mind, as if full time mother's are just mindless. Then she goes on to say that she wants her daughters to know that they don't just have to be wives and mothers. Those girls will grow up knowing that they were not her first priority.
I find John most likeable when his advice is most off - when he asumes that the one who’s hurtful or cold or cruel wants to change.
This breaks my heart and leaves a tiniest scrap of hope.
Agree…had to reread your comment again because i wasn’t sure i understood…but i think this is the reason I don’t watch his content more…
A very classic case of the husband being absolutely clueless about what goes into running a household and expecting the wife to out in all of the emotional and extra labor. I net you 100% that if she just picked up and went on a vacation for a aingle day that he wouldnt be able to run the ship without highly detailed instructions written by her. Men should be able to take care of their own house and children without direction from their wives!
He's not clueless, he is a wanna-be dictator. And thinks housework is beneath him.
I know a guy who agreed to become a stay-at-home dad for his and his wife's kids (one was a baby) while his wife went back to work. It was supposed to be a for good thing, and he was happy thinking he was going to get to chill around most of the day and do nothing basically. After a week, he demanded to get back to work because he couldn't take it anymore. Lol
Yep, my husband would do this. It is so aggravating. We have worked through this issue. I shared with him that I needed him to listen not solve my problems. He also did this with our children. He learned it’s not about him…it’s about them. His relationship blossomed with our children when he stopped, listened and did not give advice. He also stopped making every situation a learning opportunity.
She needs to increase her stated monthly “pay” by about $2500 a month, because that is what she is saving them by doing the childcare.
This is so many households. I hear this ladies frustration loud and clear. 2 languages is so true.
I hear stories like this often, definitely not a good selling point for marriage. I gotta work a full time job AND take care of young children AND make sure everything around the house gets done AND still be this soft feminine, loving wife who tends to her husbands needs... I'll pass
It's not a good selling point for having children either.
I stayed home for 4 years when I was pregnant and raising our daughter. I also did all the cooking that my husband step daughter complained about, and I did all of the cleaning and shopping. When I went to work when my daughter was 3 years old, I told them I would not be doing those things by myself anymore. They didn’t believe me at first. I just stopped doing the things that did not need to be done right then. So I only made dinner for myself. Or the dishes didn’t get done. Or my husband got a list of groceries to get on the way home. Anyone who is unhappy with it can do some housework.
This really sent me reeling back into my marriage. I worked a fulltime job Mon-Fri 8-5, part time for my dad's store on Saturdays and Sundays and sometimes through the week, my FT job was sending me to accounting classes on Tue & Thu nights. He was a carpenter's apprentice. April that year was really rainy and he didn't get called to work at all that month. I still had to get up and get me ready, my kids aged 2 and 1 ready, take them to the sitter, the go to work. He couldn't do it because he needed "down time". Then I would Do the reverse after work, plus shopping, cooking, paying bills (you used to have to actually go to a bank 😅), and everything else. He would do laundry, though. So one night we're folding a metric ton of baby clothes and he said "you know, my mom took care of kids and the house, and it was always spotless." Dude. Your dad makes $100k a year, your mom didn't work and your grandma came over literally every day to watch you all so your mom could cook, clean and run errands by herself. I knew for a fact because his mom told me it was the only way she could get anything done. Back then we had no income that month from him and my jobs paid $8/hour in the fulltime, and my part time paid $4.10/hour. Our rent was $600. He bought a stupid car that was $300/month which was a lot back then. I don't really think of him unless the kids are talking about him, but I wonder if he's still as out of touch now as he was then. Needless to say I'm devastated that all this time later women are still fighting this battle.
Still the same even worst
Guys see what they want to see, often monetary based. They don’t see the behind-the-scenes work that happens. And honestly, I think a lot of the time they don’t WANT to
@@KatieLHall-fy1hw precisely
I often hear that money is the top cause of marital conflict, but in my experience it has been THIS. Men need to share the household tasks too, it’s not her “job”
EDIT: just to clarify, they are both working but somehow it’s a “given” that she will do all the kiddo and house stuff.
That's kind of ridiculous, depending on the situation. For example, my wife brings home no money. I bring home 220k. She stays home with the boys. I make all the money. So she does, probably, 90% of the house work. I pick up where I can but this is the life we built.
@digitalaccessibilityacademy yeah. My wife asks for help too, and I give it as much as I can. But she knows my work is limited to mowing the lawn, hauling out the trash, hanging things and helping put the kids to bed if I make it home from work on time. And she never ever whines at me.
@@thejakelegionThat's really awesome that you make enough so she can stay at home and you're still helping her out.
@@thejakelegion Well you said the key thing: your wife doesn’t work. In this case, and it’s very common, they both work and it’s still an expectation that the wife is gonna do all the household and child-related stuff while the guy refuses to lift a finger.
@digitalaccessibilityacademy They both bring home the bread. The woman on the call works too. Did you not notice that?
Geez. I feel overwhelmed and I'm just listening to her. She has so much on her plate. If he won't help her I hope she decides to either hire a housekeeper or cut back in hours. She's going to get sick being this overworked.
So she would have to suffer in any case. The best is to divorce his arse if he doesnt agree with anything
I love that Mr. Delaney approached this as "assumed positive intent" on both sides. Helping find a positive solution instead of pitting spouses against each other. That being said, as a full time stay at home mom, im so freaking grateful that my husband comes home happy to see me and doesnt gripe about the mess. When children are so tiny, and need so much attention, it's just not realistic to expect to have a spotless home and be able to "unwind" after work, unfortunately. You can clock out of a job, but you can't clock out from being a parent.
For 23 years I have run a childcare business from my home, I have to say it's hard to do anything else, a phone call or a trip to the toilet while caring for the children. I know childcare costs are expensive but that's for a good reason. Can I suggest a solution would be for your children to spend a couple of days a week in childcare where they have other children and adults who can support their development while you squeeze your work or the majority of it into those days, then you can have days where you are with the children and not trying to juggle it with work. It's not practical to try and work full time from home, provide childcare and care for a home at the same time. For what it's worth my husband comes home and starts the tidy up while I cook, no accusations, no judgement, it's just stuff and we all need to share tasks.
Oh hell no . They both work . Household responsibilities are 50/50 he needs to HELP!! He’s TA
This lady is a warrior. RESPECT
Working full time out of the house and raising two kids doesn’t make me a warrior?
@@lorirogers9304 what 😂
My husband and I did this with our first child for 3 years. 2 years in I was breaking down crying once a week about how hard it was, how much it felt like I was missing out on taking our daughter out to play dates, the library, taking a nap while she napped, anything beyond survive and work. We pushed for 1 whole year to get our money and housing right and now I'm staying home with our second baby. And I liked my old job. But this is right for us right now. Go back to your job later, run your budget off of your husband's income. You will be a much happier, relaxed, engaged wife and mom when your family and your wellbeing is your entire focus. ❤
You missed this one, Dr John. The husband here is OBLIGED to experience fully the work of child and home care. You also mention that you 'did not know' and your wife did, the full extent of the work of child and home care. I want to share from my and many other women who become mothers. None of us know the full work of caring for and growing a flourishing sprout of a human. you don't even get to the challenge she shares that there is a huge amount to do, and the nice husband imagines that th full work of clean and care is 100 percent for the mom and he is to give instuctions so she can do all the invsisible work better, and you didnt get to the fact that it is also 100 percent for th dad to do. In the Netherlands fathers get PapaDag obe day each week, at hone alone with the kids, and this is thw way they get to know what the full work is. Your own estimation of 15 minutes of cleaning when he gets home, does not scratch the surface. You did touch on the need for a whole other human whose work in cleaning can be outsourced and paid for. The point is that a woman should not be expected to prioritize all of the invisible and unpaid work in a home. It's a need for joint prioritisation. You even mention guitar practice. Wow. Men get to do what is paid, what is visible, what is external. Women are unconsciously expected to do everything else. And if there is time, and she is a good girl and has completed it all, then she gets to be on a board, gets to earn, gets to sleep, gets to do nothing. Without the discussion of the deep unconscious bias , your solution goes to let's paint a picture of what both man and wife want this house feels like when we walk in. The truth is one of them gets to walk in. The other one has been inside the whirlwind all day and is faced with analytical judgement and tips to improve, while the assumption of who gets to do the invisible work, is not addressed by the husband of the call, nor by the helping psychologist (you), who echoes again, more helpful tips to the only one who is expected to yet again, fix it all and meet all expectations.
How can you possibly work a full-time remote job AND be a stay-at-home mom to 2 kids UNDER 2?!? That is insane!!! That is not in any way sustainable, healthy, or realistic to expect you to do both AT THE SAME TIME.
Totally agree. Those kids must have a screen in front of them most of the time. Or her job is a total joke.
@@haley2542 Accurate
Why can’t he just help her with the chores when he comes home? You’re not equal. He wants a maid, a nanny, and for you to work? Hell no
Because he’s entitled! And obviously lazy! And too cheap to hire housekeeping! To support his OWN wife and make her life easier!
No she WANTS to work. I bet if you asked him he would prefer her to be a stay at home mom.
@@veebliss1266You're insane. He's working all day he doesn't want to come home and keep working in the house he pays for....... Women think there so special and deserve the world for literally nothing
@@veebliss1266 I have a man, where I suggested that I pay myself for someone cleaning (Windows etc.) Once a month, next to me cleaning up, cause I do not catch up with everything.
He says no, cause he fears strangers who can steal our stuff.
We own basically H&M, basic Ikea cutlery, 15 year old furniture, I have no real Gold jewerly 😂😂😂
There needs to be equal ground. Some days it ok to have a small mess, the queen isn’t coming to visit and there needs to be compromise and understanding from both parties.
Mothering two little ones is a full-time job!
Yes! If she only stayed home and took care of children and home, she'd still deserve more respect.
Only if you make it.
Yep and she's choosing to be miserable by not putting her kids in daycare.
@@gabriellahsdancingheart8808 agreed! She thinks if that her only job, she wouldn’t be worthy. It’s a little sad.
@@bahwickeeand the alternative is she would make those kids miserable by putting them in daycare .
I remember one of our male doctors who asked if he can leave 30 mins. before end of the shift. He was so worried about his stay at home wife. He knew his 2 male toddlers were rascals and always keep their mom on her toes. "My wife can't cope with them by herself so I need to cook dinner."
Bath time, diaper change, cleaning of the house after playing... not to mention they put stuff in their mouths and open cupboards with tools etc. They also cry if they can't see you so toilet breaks have to be strategic. Some babies want to be carried all the time. Scheduled nap times, it can't be too long otherwise they will stay awake at night. You can't vaccuum or make noise because it's hard to put them back to sleep. All of these and a full time stay at home job? Nah... Almost impossible.
This is also a matter of multi-tasking several DIFFERENT areas of responsibility. It is like she is unable to focus on one thing because she has so many other focuses. For example, her husband has one focus in his job. Maybe his job is to make sure his sales statistics are up. He focuses on that task... He, more then likely does not empty the garbage or wash floors at work, or sort incoming mail or answer everyone elses calls, or greet every customer who walks through the door. He multi-tasks on one focus but is not doing every task that is performed at his work place, but she is. It is multi tasking when you have only one focus... she has the entire business in her lap... fair or not, she is responsible for too many areas to perform on her own. I don't think he understands that
Yeah but she literally said in the video that she chose to do all of that. Why doesn’t she just wait her job and maybe downgrade if needed, stay home with the kids and quit working. She can’t have both
@sssonora or maybe can just help a little when he gets home? He also chose this life?
@@sssonora why can't he since he wants the house to be spotless. It's his house and his children too
I love being single. I really don't know that I could tolerate any man talking down to me the way this caller's husband talks down to her. If 30 clicks make a clue the dude doesnt even have half a click what goes into her role, nor does he even pretend to want to understand prior to condescendingly attempting to speak to her like she is his personal maid. What a complete jackass.
Her husband is a self righteous jerk who needs to step and be a responsible mature adult and be a part of this family instead of just expecting to always be served … this husband is awful
I love my husband. I also work from home and have 3 kids, 2 under 2, and he has never once complained about the state of the house.
My thing is he thinks she isn’t trying hard enough. That is horrible! She is working more than you!
IMO my wife has the hardest job of the two of us and even though I worked all day and I’m feeling stressed and tired and mentally exhausted. I come in put on my super dad cape and start helping I’ll send mom away for fifteen to thirty of solo time while I clean or play or distract the children. Then we meet up and take on the night, after we have our time and then I get my alone time. It’s hard to find balance but as men we have to be there for our families and especially our wives / mothers of our children. Thankful to have her light in my life and I wanna make sure I never dim it only add to the flame.
A 15 minute break after working 10 hours straight is so thoughtful
Everything starts from home, from their own mothers. I see that in my husband, since I've known him from before uni. His mom did everything around the house, let him sleep until 2 pm, never told him to do dishes, to vacuum, snything, she did it herself. Even to this day, when we are in our 30s, she believes I am here to take her place and do all of this, and all he has to do is go to work and bring home money. I am actually in a very similar situation as this woman, but we don't have any kids, so I feel like I can't complain as much, but as a person with chronic heart problems, I am overly exhausted from all the work I do and I feel like even the smallest thing to be out of place, he always has to "scold" me for it and I am always stressed. I have been struggling with insomnia for over 6 months now and I have talked about these things with him, yet I just can't seem to get through to him. So frustrating...
If a man gets off work and comes home to a woman who was also working all day, probably before he started, and is still working and that there is some work that she hasn't gotten to yet which involves his children, his wife and his ability to not be irritated by it being gone and he thinks "Well, it's just a simple thing that should be easily got to." then he should easily get to it and be proud of himself for making his wife's day easier and being responsible for his own family, home and nerve endings. And, she should leave him alone with the kids on the weekend while she goes out and does her thing, just once in a while, for both days, so he can understand and be grateful he gets to go to work and have a change of scenery and some rest from the beautiful chaos of home life.
And, if the woman is working, vice versa. Or, if it is same sex couples with the same problem or mutually helpful roommate situations or whatever.
My thoughts exactly op!! The answer is a reality check … time alone with your kids quickly shows the reality of how hard that job is!!!
I agree, plus he needs a list of things she does in the day, which he needs to complete as well, like grocery shopping with the kids. That way he doesn't just get a weekend "playing" with the kids.
This is why women divorce, they end up with 50/50 child custody. Those divorce women are happier getting time to themselves when children are with their dad. So why not actually take responsibility while you're married ffs?
👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻
I had 2 kids under 2, Stay at home mom. Hubby would come home & be irritated that the house was a mess. My solution was.... Have a large basket by the door. 15min.before he came home, I would clear off, the coffee table of toys, bottles, and whatever, into the basket. I would take a cloth with PineSol and wipe around the door. When he came home, the coffee table was clear and house smelled clean. Maybe NOT the correct thing to do, but it helped to keep his irritation down & I didn't have to feel bad for irritating him when he got home. NOT a good solution, but at the time it help me manage.
Haha great
Omg a cleaning smell trick
Lol! Smart.
I think it is brilliant!
Yes I did these kinds of things too. Made sure to never be sitting down when husband got home.
The husband loves providing solutions but he might have missed one : when he sees mess, he puts on his big boy pants and he deals with the mess himself. See ? Easy peasy !
So sad. I went through same thing. What I would say to younger me.
1. Enjoy your kids
2. 75% of toys need to go
3. Clear rules and expectations for both husband and wife
4. Equal part caring for kids because both work and both are in a marriage.
5. You don’t have to mother him too
6. Pick a better partner from the beginning 😢
He needs to be kind and help clean up with that same kindness. 😂
Leave your husband at home with kids for a week Alone.. that’s all you need to do. ..request to leave for conference from work or something.. That is the only language they will understand.
Or he can hire a babysitter and a private chef and he will realize how much money she’s saving them working 2 full time jobs
Who needs a partner when you're doing everything yourself - Communication issue? No he's a selfish jerk and she's enabling it by continuing to do everything.
Probably someone who wants the benefits that come with sharing income with someone that makes three times as much as they do.
@@yambagnelson9987the only way he’s able to make that income is by having free childcare and an additional income. If he had to watch his own children and clean his own home, he wouldn’t be making as much money. He can’t even fully support his household with his income now, and all he does is work 40 hours.
@@yambagnelson9987 Women who divorce find that life gets much more reasonable and easy to manage even with the inevitable drop in economic class that happens to women. It's the man that is the problem.
As a man you think you can do some home improvement project while the kid is asleep or playing. But when you are there you soon realize that you're good if you manage to do the dishes. Taking care of babies and toddlers is a full time job. I know because I've been home half a year for each kid. Amazing how this woman manages her work too.
I suggest that all husbands take at least a month leave to take care of their children. And their wives go back to work, not being backups at home.
I am blessed I grew up with both parents who worked full time and cleaned. My dad cooks and cleans and my mom admits he is the better cook but she still cooks. My mom also used to wash the floor by hand before she hurt her knee.
I had good role models and both my sisters and I always had chores.
My dad also has a PHD so my mom looked out for us while he was in school. If there is no balance things will fall apart
Sounds very similar to my upbringing. I’m one of 6 kids and my parents both worked (though my mom was a part time PA while my dad was an educator). I never felt like they didn’t have time for me, and they both out as much effort into domestic needs as they could. My mom did a lot more of the cleaning, but that was because she was just at home more, and as we got older, we were given weekly chores (which we hated as kids, but I’m grateful for it now). I never saw them argue about one not doing enough, and they always seemed genuinely grateful for each other.
If I’m at all a good husband and father (which I believe I am-pardon me if I’m bragging, I don’t mean to), I really owe it all to my parents for showing me.
@@ChachiTelevision1979hats off to your parents, sounds like they led by example and raised great kids. Hope you and your siblings all get along, too!
@@KatieLHall-fy1hw Thanks, Katie -- Indeed, we do.
This just makes me so thankful foe my wonderful husband. He works and does school, comes home and holds the baby or plays with the toddler, helps feed change and put them to bed while I get dinner cleaned up or get some housework done I couldn't do during the day. He does it voluntarily, never complains amd still has kind words if appreciation for what I contribute. Couldn't have picked a better one 🥺❤
The Fair Play deck and book would be very useful for this couple. I never realized how many tasks are added when you take care of kids. 40 of the 100 cards are kid-related and I did most of them myself, plus all of the other chores that I did that were continuous and/ or invisible chores. We aren't quite there yet, but my spouse helps out with the kids much more and his relationship with the kids has gotten much stronger. .
This is like one of my biggest fears. I am currently struggling to leave my career, have kids, and become a housewife. Why? Because of things like this. I just can’t do it. I’m terrified.
If your husbands mom wasn't a housewife you may need to explain things to him. My husband's mom worked literally to death so he does not understand what being a housewife entailed even though my mom was one. He is "fine" with me being a SAHW but clueless that he still has responsibilities outside of just working.
You TALK this stuff through now, before having kids. Set standards and boundaries and expectations now.
Both parents make sacrifices when they have kids, but they rarely are equal sacrifices. I know many fathers whose lives are similar to their pre-kid lives. They might go out a little less often and there are times when they need to "babysit" their kids. They may have to help with bedtime and morning routines, but they haven't changed anything else. Meanwhile, the mom's life has been completely uprooted. They have sacrificed their body, their career, their social lives, and often their health in order to focus on the kids.
The dad needs to spend the day alone with his two kids to get a feel of what it's like to be in his wife's shoes.
The problem is that she has three jobs and he has one. When he gets home he likes to criticize how she juggles those jobs instead of helping her. If the mess bothers him so much, why doesn’t he clean it? Problem solved. Being a mother of two children under two years old is more than a full time job in itself. Add that she works from home, cleans and cooks meals and dinner for him when he gets off work. He’s living the life, he’s got it made! She’s doing everything. They need to sit down and discuss a fair division of labor so that she doesn’t end up having a nervous breakdown.
Heard the best explanation of how husbands and wives see life so differently in the book “Vertical Marriage”. A man carries one suitcase at a a time around with him (sex, golf, ballgame, work project) but the wife carries 10 suitcases around with her all day, interchanging them (job, laundry, dishes, kids off to school or homeschool, feed the dog-cat, clean up the house, grandmas birthday, who has what activity after school or at church, what’s for dinner, get the kids cleaned up, ready for bed). And husbands wonder why their wife is not “all in.” DAH! Help her out dummy. You want to be in charge, become an organizer, become a chauffeur, become a maid, become a housekeeper. That’s how to get your wife all in.
I remember when I had toddler and a baby. My husband would come home and complain that I had not cleaned the house because toys were everywhere, and why didn't I have a three-course meal ready for him? I would tell him that I picked up the house three times that day. I would make a casserole in the morning with meat, veggies, pasta, and cheese in it, and pop it in the oven before he came home, and he complained that it was not enough because it was only "one course". I told him that I needed help with the kids when he came home and he would flop in front of the TV and say that was my job. Hey, it's not like they were my "hobby". They were his kids too. Well, the house was too chaotic with me being overwhelmed, so he made sure he was busy every night of the week with church, gym, band practice, Bible studies, while I was home all day and all night with the kid: a servant, bed warmer, and babysitter. He would come home at night, take a shower, and leave again. And then he was shocked, SHOCKED when I left him. And of course, he told everyone at church how terrible I was. He didn't tell them that he was NEVER home.
Wow ... I really can relate!
What an efficient couple you are - both of you.
Two points: He doesn't see what you do every day. He hasn't yet grasped what it means to have children from a perspective of someone who is ALWAYS around them and there for them. And his well meant suggestions are in fact ignorant - you can't suggest solutions if you don't fully understand the problem (and he doesn't really understand, because he doesn't experience your daily life).
Then, the other side: Some people (me) really cannot do in chaotic environments. They can love and love their children - and they will still get through the day with all the chaos - but it is detrimental to their mental wellbeing and joy.
So, if your spouse becomes irritated he could well be one of those people.
He should understand that it is impossible to have the whole space perfectly clean and blank and open when there are children. But maybe there can be some terrain where the space is kept clean - so he has the possibility to mentally relax...
And of course, get a help for god's sake ... you are both working. You both are trying to be too efficient ... there is no pride in that.
If he's so put off by a messy space then he and you need to roll your sleeves up and make it happen instead of complaining.
John is in another galaxy kn this one. She is doing everything and she wants help. John is like her husband
Instead of a helping hand he's offering lip service.
My sister-in-law and her daughter were living w us for a bit and she would point out messes to me (while I was making dinner for 7 people) and I finally told her, “you are not a guest. You are a member of our household. If you see a mess, you clean it. Do not tell me about a task you should be doing.”
You can’t read my tone obviously but this was said w love but very direct. I made it clear that I love her and I’m happy to serve my household, including her, but it is disrespectful to tell me it isn’t enough and tell me more tasks to do while I’m busy taking care of everything else.
They should've even helped before you said that. In exchange for staying.
@VendieSolde
You are right! But honestly, even if she wasn't living w us at the time, instead of pointing out a mess, just clean it up
I read a story once about a similar situation. The wife got tired of working and taking care of home and never felt valued. So one day she didn’t do it. When the husband got home he freaked out and said what happened here? She said i haven’t done what I do every day. The issue here is you need to speak up, set boundaries and delegate. During the day, do your job, take care of girls, in the evening, when he gets home, invite him to the kitchen, cook dinner together, delegate the folding and packing of washing. Make a weekend ritual of a mini spring clean. Plan a fun family day on Sunday. If you are contributing to income, he should contribute to housekeeping. Good luck
Many many moons ago, I had a similar experience in my life. I chose to have my husband watch the kids for two days. I left for a mini break. Lets just say, when I came back, he was a totally different man. Things were way better!!
A very simple place to start is everyone is responsible for their own feelings and reactions. So when the man gets home from work and is annoyed because the house is not clean and uncluttered to his standard, that is his problem, not hers. It something bothers you, you take care of it. To expect others to behave and perform actions in order to please you is not mature and not part of adult relationships. Of course in intimate partnerships, we all do things to please the other; but having high expectations of our spouse / partner and then being judgmental when the expectations are not met - this is cruel and manipulative. As Dr. John pointed out, this is not the actual problem, but being clear about the presenting issue will help us drill down to what is actually going on.
Haha… my husband tried this on me and didn’t get far! He soon learned afterwards by spending time with our daughter alone how fkn crazy it got! 😂
I see this too often, that the boyfriend or husband wants the place to be clean, but hasn’t considered paying someone to clean it as if the partner/spouse’s hobby is cleaning. Like don’t you think I’d like it to be clean as well?! Just because it’s messy doesn’t mean I want it that way?!
Instead of advice, HELP me!
Ugh.
Idk how my mom did it all! She made lists I remember. Dad took care bills, cars and outdoors. Mom took care 4 kids, house clean , cook, work, shop, driver,planner, everything !!❤ she said she loved it!
Nicki, when I was in Columbia, SC I started a mom’s morning out group too. It was so helpful I st suggest it to young moms. During the holidays we kept the kids longer so the other moms could decorate, clean, shop, nap, whatever they needed. During those longer days, the moms brought lunch so we could feed them and they were ready for naps when they left. Hang in there.