Reflecting on my Memory Disorder: SDAM
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- Опубликовано: 8 сен 2024
- Breaking down SDAM, Severely Deficient Autobiographical Memory and what it means. What types of memories are effected and why I can remember how to ride a bike, but won't remember ever riding one.
This is not a medical channel, I am not giving out medical advice, just my personal experience. And everyone with these neurodivergencies will have their own unique experiences.
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#Aphantasia
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The way I have explained having SDAM to others is this: "I remember my own life the way that you 'remember' your to-do list. And, I had always thought that's just what remembering is."
I love this.
@@i.am.mindblind thanks.
And also, hello! You and I have the same 4-pack of diagnoses. (I'm female born in 79.)
Wild, eh?
So, cheers! You're helping so many, so much. You've helped me, a lot, in a short time too. Thank you!
So like, if you do make a to-do list, can you remember what you're supposed to do? I'm wondering 'cause Amanda says that she can't remember how she *felt*, but knows some facts. But do you *remember*, like internally know, facts, simply without having any emotional connection, or is it only facts that someone would tell you about or that you could check?
This is very interesting. Years back I read that "most people" (who ever this is) use to think in words. I definitly don't. As a synaesthetic also my memories are, even my dreams include smells, taste, sound and touch and of course visuals. But thinking in words is something I do not really understand. I would highly appreciate if you find a way to explain to someone who can't, how that is to think in words. I mean, when you sepak about remember a "to-do-list" what do you experience? Do you see a list of words? Probably you do not "see" it. Do you hear it or rewrite it as you remember? Wow, it is so hard to try to understand how anybody else experiences the world.
@@linguafrancacoaching I have SDAM and aphantasia, but I do have an inner monologue. It's similar to speaking out loud in my experience, except I don't need to open my mouth or make any audible sound because it’s all in my head. It feels like the same process as speaking, just with my mouth closed and not using my vocal cords since it's all internal.
I have control over my inner speech, similar to speaking out loud. When I want to express a thought (say something in my head), it’s just like the mechanism for speaking, I just start speaking in my head and it feels almost the exact same to me as speaking out loud except my mouth is closed and my vocal cords aren’t being used and whatnot.
And since it’s controlled similar to speaking out loud, I can also just shut my mind up if I want most of the time (a lot of people don’t seem to be able to though) and this allows me to keep my mind mostly silent, which I prefer.
Although, sometimes my mind trails off in thought when I’m bored or it races when I have lot’s of ideas and am actively planning. But mostly I keep it blank bc I like it like that. Keeps or blocks negative thoughts out/at bay.
It’s not like hearing someone talk in real life or any external auditory processing. It's more like having your ears plugged or wearing noise-canceling headphones and then attempting to whisper.
The closest I can get to simulating to myself what it feels like so I can try and explain it is by tightly pressing my ears shut trying to block out as much as possible and whispering as quietly as possible.
The main distinction I notice when doing this is that when I'm whispering, it's slightly louder and clearer compared to when I’m thinking it’s less so, like it’s more fuzzy (not staticky, just quiet or less audible or less tangible bc it’s entirely internal).
I think my inner monologue might be weaker than that of most people, and it likely differs from the average person's experience.
But, I can read along in my head when reading text or typing and I can get songs stuck in my head and all that.
It’s hard to explain. I tried my best here.
Also, since we probably have two different interpretations of the word "thinking/to think", bc of the internal monologue which is like a parallel to speaking (for me at least), thinking to me is the same idea as speaking but just done silently and mentally/in my head.
I mean thinking in speech (words) is such a similar process that most often my tongue is slightly moving and mimicking the placement it would need to be in to say/speak the word out loud.
I hope this helps at least a bit. Sorry for it being so long.
If anyone else has a different experience with their inner monologue, feel free to share or compare with all this. This is just my experience.
I have been begging my doctor to explain why I have almost no biographical memory unless someone or something triggers it and then it’s just vague recollections, mainly like old faded photos. Not real memories. I don’t remember people, events, etc.
Unfortunately most doctors aren't aware of SDAM, it isn't in any diagnositc manuals yet as it is still being researched. You may try to bring your doctor some medical articles on it though. I and almost everyone with SDAM is self diagnosed. There isn't really anything to do about it at this point but it helps to have a name for my condition.
I can remember some traumatic events from my life but not much else. It's like looking at still photos when I should be seeing a movie.
I’ve always felt that way about my memory fragments too! Sometimes all I have are the actual photos I took, but I never have more than a few seconds connected together in my memory.
@@lisa_wistfulone7957 That’s pretty much how I feel!
I actually had no idea this level of remembering one’s life wasn’t the default/normal. I need to throw myself down a new rabbithole.
Good luck. I know it was a relief when I had a name for how my memory works.
Incredible. With autism, we get the "double empathy problem" where The Golden Rule doesn't always work? Other people DON'T want to be treated as we would treat ourselves? But with SDAM, figuring out your memories basically requires you to have an additional layer of empathy WITH YOURSELF. Extremely cool! Thank you for sharing!!!
I run into this constantly with other people. It's like how do I treat people better or different than I treat myself. Doesn't make any sense to me.
I tell myself that I don’t talk hateful or belittling myself now that I’m aware…and therefore, won’t allow anyone talk to me that way either. It took alooooot of growth to come to that conclusion. I’ve given the golden rule too many times.
Double empathy, good concept. I was thinking about this while listening to the video. You need to recreate your feelings for the memories that you manage to recover. That's why we have to use empathy on ourselves. That's why we're used to apply empathy to anyone.
I recently found out I have ADHD and have struggled with my memory for many years. I have explained subjective symptoms to many professionals for nought. Your video answered profound questions in just a few minutes. I had felt alone in this experience for a long time and it brings me no small comfort to know there are others out there. I feel a poignant happiness that I stumbled across your channel. I appreciate your making these videos.
❤️❤️❤️
I’m AuADHD, diagnosed 2 years ago at age 52, and glad I just discovered your channel!
On the topic of memory, I’m wondering if, like many other newly researched syndromes, this kind of memory issue(s) has variations that aren’t labeled/defined yet. I meet almost all of the criteria/defined traits, but emotion is the one part I’m more likely to retain.
Since my early teens, I took lots of photos to help me “remember my life.” Almost all of my life memories are like snapshots, or just a few seconds. And 80% or more is missing without even a mental snapshot, even fun or very significant events. I often can’t place the memories I’ve retained correctly on my own time line. And I never actually feel like I “relive” or re-experience them- I don’t actually understand what that would feel like. But I always can identify how I felt, as if that anchored the memory so I didn’t entirely lose it, like so many others. A handful of the memories can trigger an emotional response , but only a few have enough structure to do so.
It may not be SDAM, but it’s surely Something.
I also use SDAM because from what I've read it fits the experience I have of my memories, but like all neurodivergencies there will be a spectrum of how it presents I'm sure. And one day maybe I'll come across a different memory disorder that fits better (but from other people's accounts SDAM just fits so well.) For me, these labels help me communicate. I've known since I was very young my memory didn't work like other people's and it scared me as child. I thought something was very wrong with me. Having some sort of language to help people understand my inner experience. As far as I know I didn't have (many?) traumatic events happen to me as a child. I know that I was once almost shot by someone when I was in about 4th or 5th grade but I don't remember it or have any emotions, etc about the event. I just know it as a fact, like all of my memories. And I think people who have SDAM can also have other trauma too. I hope some of this makes sense.
omg I relate so much to everything you just explained...I feel the exact same way. my friends always ask me "remember when we did ___" and i'm always saying no, and they make fun of me for having such bad memory. but I really just don't remember like the majority of my life....I think it's a part of PTSD, but I could be wrong
Thank you! I've known I have aphantasia for several years now and I've always thought that my memory issues were connected but until now didn't know there was a name for it or that other people experience it too! I feel a lot of guilt and shame around not remembering life events especially when it comes to my mother who is dead. Most days I don't think about her at all. It usually takes a trigger like a photo, a song or someone talking about her to bring her to my mind. Even then I can't describe what she looked like or sounded like, I remember things I've done like a bullet point list though things are often out of order! Thank you for sharing I'm definitely going to be looking deeper into this!
It can be so hard, but it's not out fault we can't remember things. ❤️
I can relate to this a lot. Maybe I don’t have it to the same extent that you do, but I remember things like a list of things that I know did. I visited my long distance partner a bit ago and it was amazing but the day that I came back, all the experiences were basically wiped from my memory: I can’t remember what it was like to hug him, what it was like to go sightseeing, what it was like just being around him. I remember that I did those things but I can’t remember what it was like. I actually broke down crying about it when I came back and we were talking because his memory allows him to bring back those memories and mine, well, doesn’t. I felt robbed by my own brain.
Yeah, I understand. It's so frustrating and can make me so sad.
Girl you just opened up a whole new level of clarity for me. I definitely have both sdam and aphantasia! 57 years old and been battling to explain that I can't paint from my imagination or remember most of my life!! Will certainly research more but this is amazing to have an explanation for my struggles. Just saddens me to know how isolating and difficult this has been. But in my experience most people even closest friendships are not interested. Just lost a 54 year old friendship. Knowing this may have made a difference who knows. Thx for your videos ❤
Hi, Claudia.
I feel like her video just opened up a whole new level of clarity for me, too! Are you on any other platforms? I’d like to connect.
that part of using logic to restore a memory is so on the point to my experience, I always tought this was the norm
I found out that I had full (global) aphantasia 2 years ago. Like many, I thought the 'mind's eye' was just a turn of phrase. I found out about SDAM in the last couple of months, and I have now realised that those movie sequences of people being transported back in time by tastes, smells and sounds, was also a real thing. I have no memory of tastes or smells - each time I eat something that I like, it's a surprise how nice it tastes. I don't dream. My daughter is always asking me whether I like one song better than some other, and I have to ask her to play them back to back to decide. I can't remember textures or any other sensation. I can't remember the sound of my families voices, even if they have just been in the room. It explains so much, but I think I am also grieving a little for this ability that others apparently have.
I've always thought it was odd that I didn't really recognise myself in a mirror or photo - I 'know' it was me, but there was no feeling of recognition. It makes sense now.
I would always get told "to enjoy the moment" when I was busy taking recordings or photos - I have tens of thousands of photos of my children - but now I realise that others had an innate ability to relive these.
All very relatable!
Thank you for your advocacy. I love how you “live in the now.”
It can be good, but it definitely can be a struggle when people expect you to remember stuff that your brain just doesn't. Still, I think the more people learn and think about neurodivergencies we'll all have more compassion towards each other. Thank you so much for watching.
Wow I have this too... I thought it was just me... thank you... i also store information and facts in like bubble diagrams essentially organized by topic but everything is connected and i can recall something if its related to something else.....all memories are beneath a still lake and they must be jogged by myself, someone else or something else if they are to be retrieved... no emotions just facts including the fact of how i felt about it and how it affected me and the positive and negative outcomes including what i could have been done better and how i would handle it next time... all in the same spacial memory... like a loop that i can replay and change some info if I am learning more or observe it or info dump. I tend to remember the most and give the most info when i info dump.... but my memory is terrible for things like appointments and stuff. That stuff must be written down or its never gonna happen until i remember it after the fact or as I am needing to be somewhere or do something and then i am not prepared, panic and shrink away. I am very intelligent on subject I study about, knowledge seeking, logical (like spock logical), factual, and empathetic... thank you for sharing :)
This is feeling really familiar to me although I haven’t been diagnosed with anything. I’m a stoner however, and always assumed that was why I don’t remember anything. But now that I think about it I have lots of stoner friends and they remember things just fine.
Hi, this is interesting, I did not know that this existed until a few minutes ago when I was watching another of your videos where you were speaking of autistic speech patterns. I've been through several neurodivergant rabbit holes during the last half year or so - ADHD, autism, aphantasia - and I can relate to so much there, and now you're sending me into another one. I have a question, though: Have you ever tried diary writing? Because I at some point in my life felt the urge to write down every detail of my daily life - and I have to do it immediately, if I don't do it within the next day it becomes frustrating because, as you said, I remember some facts (at best) but not the feelings, not the exact order of events. I find the diary especially helpful for fights, arguments (in friendships, partnerships) because I tend to be overwhelmed and not know what to say in the moment, and in some cases it is even good not to say something right away, wait for a time when things have cooled down etc. So - in these cases I find my diary very helpful - and in reading my minutely written entries I actually can remember things past and also feel them. (Btw: I like reading books that make you remember stuff, like Joe Brainard's "I remember" where every sentence begins with these exact words. Even better when you (I) start writing them yourself, just random facts from your past a they pop into your head. Stuff started bubbling up I hadn't thought of in decades (Is it still possible for me to have SDAM then - that's what I want to find out.).) (Another btw: I could very much relate when you said you live in the moment, I feel that. I really don't get nostalgia, and I hate when people get nostalgic. And when I read very old diary entries - like from 10, 15 years ago - even if it have been good times, I don't know, I still hate the feeling I get then (it might be some kind of twisted nostalgia), but it's still good to have it recorded. Mixed feelings there.) Okay, I'll stop here. Thank you for your videos!
I think I have a video about where I talk about why diary/journaling has been frustrating for me, but I don't remember (haha) which video it was! I do journal off and on throughout my life but my problem is trying to remember or find information from which journal. I've tried bullet journaling with indexing and digitial journals that can be searched. But I'm also ADHD so executive functioning to keep a journal going only works in short burts when I get on a hyperfocus with it. When I reread old journal entries it's like I'm reading someones grocery list. Now as for old memories, it is Severely Defiecient Autobiographical Memory, not No Autobigraphical Memory so some people have more old memories to some extent than others from what I've heard in the community
So many things about your comment stand out to me that I’d like to know more about. Are you also on other platforms or how can we connect?
I was diagnosed with autism at 35 and have always had problems with memory. I pegged it down to trauma but it’s interesting to see that it may not be, definitely going do more research on SDAM. Thank you for sharing your experiences and knowledge with us🙏🏻
Hello again my kindred spirit...I think it's cool that we share all 4 of these conditions I understand your perspective and that's not something I share with many people. ❤❤❤
It's always good to hear from someone with all four, I haven't come across too many of us. So many autistic people have great visuals and memories and I'm like, nope, not me!
Just discovered your channel. I am late diagnosed Autistic at 55, and one of the things that came up in my discussions with others recently diagnosed was something I called 'no emotional memory'. It's like I remember things happening, but have no memory of how I felt at that time. I had 2 near death experiences and its like it happened to someone else. It has made my memory feel fractured and I have trouble finding the right time order things happened in. Moving around a lot as a child didn't help this either. The way I understand this is that without emotional connection to our memories, it makes it harder for them to stay rooted within our brain. I didn't really connect with the Aphantasia as I have a very vivid imagination and can visualise within my mind, just not on command. Thank you for sharing your experiences and research and you have earned a sub.
Thank you. There are many causes of memory loss/disorders so SDAM may or may not be a fit for your memory it'd be hard to say without more info. Sdam and aphantasia have a high coroloation but many people have one without the other. Thank you again for your support! 😄
Hi.
I really resonate with your comment. Are you on any other platforms? I’d like to connect, if possible.
Maybe SDAM is rare as a isolated diagnosis, but as you described these kind of memory problems and cognitive problems can be a part of many mental disorders. I had a period of 20+ years with similar problem, and it is still prevalent when Im stressed. So in my case, my medical explained to me it was because Im bipolar. I have thought a lot about this memory-problem through the years. And why it have improved the last copule of years. I have questioned myself why I cant remember things. And why i even used to be socially anxious in meeting childhood friends, because all I remembered was that they were friends, but not actually all the things we had been through. I think that since I have questioned this memory problem so much, I have also kind of trained my self in relearning events, trying to recreate memories a lot. And the more I have done it, the more memories have come back to me. I have repeated them over and over in my mind. This process has reduced my stress, which have made me more comfortable with the having this impairment and as I have rehearsed the past it does no longer feel like a strange mystery. I think to reduce the anxiety around problems like this, one really must have a lot calm, alone time to think things through. Without sensory input, to connect with your authentic self. This takes time, and you cannot connect with yourself if you live too fast paced, or have a high stresslevel. If you are living in a pace where your body is in a fight or flight mode it is almost impossible.
Yes there are a lot of things that cause memory issues. SDAM explains my memory problems perfectly.
I have tried to explain my experience of memory to others for years and felt crazy every time. It's comforting to hear not the only one like this.
I know the feeling. Even when I have language now to explain what's going on, people still won't always believe me. So frustrating!
Talk about algorithms im 38 and learning about unmasking and my memory issues ive had and have been getting more.... evident? Lol you popped up on xmas day, 🎄 thank you santa :p and thank You new friend Amanda❤
I relate to you so much: I live in the now too, I felt when I saw the movie "50 First Dates" like that described my life so well, I wake up into a new life every day, there are no habits or routines, I can't recall yesterday unless someone tells me what I did or I check my Google Photos. My kids hate how many photos I take. When you mention Christmas and I think of it, I see photos of past years and I can't instantly recall just the Christmas that just happened. I will do more research but thank you for putting this info out there. I'm AUDHD and diagnosed a year ago
I wonder if you've got sdam at a more severe presentation than I do. Just like all brain things it's a spectrum. I do have routines and such, but I don't remember the experiences, just facts about my past.
I swear I’ve read that the therapy practice EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) just takes into the account bilateral movement, and I surmised that any repetitive or back and forth movement like walking or washing dishes or some stimming can simulate that same EMDR response to varying degrees. So if you start processing some memories while doing tasks that can do bilateral stimulation this motion would be why.
Thank you so much for making these videos. I just came across your channel via your video about autistic speech patterns and wondering what SDAM was, was then so delighted to discover there is a name for what I experience! I also have global aphantasia (I knew about it visually but didn’t know about it bundled together, but knew I didn’t have any other sensory recall either - I just remember facts ab things, or a sort of wire frame ie where things are placed memory if there is a photo of something. I assumed they were linked somehow, fascinating to hear it’s ab a 50%. Will be eagerly watching your other videos, and trying hard not to fall into hyperfocus researching further (😂) as trying hard to remove things to do from my life at the mo
Oh yay! I always am thrilled when I help someone else learn about SDAM because honestly it can be scary to not know what is going on with your memory. I used to think I had some sort of juvinelle alzheimers or something.
I think this is what I have. I do visualize but very weakly. Diagnosed ADHD a few years ago and very seriously looking into autism. This is deep.
I'm 38 and just got a name. Thank you!
I think I have some of this; not complete, but particularly everything from before I was 20 or so when I got my ADHD diagnosis and started taking Ritalin; is very fragmental. I remember most of the facts of what I did; though all my memories seems to be organised on topic and associations and not at all chronologically, so it's just random things in random order whenever I get an association. But my memory of experiences is mostly limited to snapshots as still images of an event or a very short clip of something happening; but it's very abstracted and lacking colour information (it doesn't look black and white, but I there is no stored colour information, I just automatically guess and paint in the image with typical colours; sky is blue, grass is green etc. but anything that can be any colour at all such as plastics and fabrics might as well be black and white) the only vivid details I remember is faces because I'm very good at remembering and recognising faces (but terrible at remembering where from) and I remember voices well. I sometimes remember entire conversations; but it's mostly the factual content of them and my mind sort of just act out what it might have sounded like.They don't have much emotional content beyond; it was good or it was bad or it was lonely or boring; but that might be because I probably also have alexithymia and don't really understand the nuances of my emotions directly; so I just remember the body sensations such as nausea or gut pain etc and have to figure out what emotion that might have been.
I can only remember a handful of very specific events from each school I went to (and which school I was at or which people were around me; is a major way I can remember very roughly when a memory is from. But all my memories of holidays abroad or being with my grandparents are much more unordered because theres nothing in those memories that can narrow it down to a specific school or something; I might remember it was when I was a little child; or if it was when I was a teen before I was 18 because I had long hair for many years before I cut it around age 18; and I might remember the hair in my face. I might be able to follow the chain of facts associated with such a snapshot memory and figuring out how recent or far back it might be based on who I were alive or not; or wether it was before or after a major event in my life or in the world; such as where I lived, what school I went to, getting a moped at 16, 9/11 (which I think of as "nine eleven" despite being from Norway and speaking Norwegian), finishing university, where I worked etc. and now of course before The Plague or after... Though I have to google or consult my resume to know what years that is, because I am terrible with remembering numbers.
The way you describe your memory is so what similar to my experience but not completely since I also have aphantasia so there are no visuals with any of the facts I have with my memory facts. SDAM is also ongoing so it effects recent events of my memory too not just childhood. But an important things is that it is "Severely Deficient" not totally Deficient so how many memories we have won't be the same from person to person.
And even the most vivid snapshots I do remember; I'm not always sure if I actually remember them or if I have constructed the snapshot out of facts once.
Among the first snapshots I think I have; at least if the facts connected to it that I still lived in Oslo which means it must have been when I was around 3; is a snapshot of being scared of some older boys and not knowing which door in the apartment building was ours. Though I'm starting to suspect that it's either a completely constructed memory, or a mis-remembered memory of visiting my grandmother who lived in Oslo some time after we moved from Oslo; in which case it might be when I was 5-6, which would make more sense why I could be outside alone. But because I have "re-remembered" it so many times I do not trust any details of it anymore, besides the fact that I most likely have been scared outside an apartment building once and not known which door to go to. But I do remember that I at one point around age 10 did remember it vividly.
I also remember remembering two somewhat vivid snapshot relating to my tonsillectomy when I was less than 3; one of sleeping with a suitcase behind my back in order to sleep slightly sitting up with the window open to be able to breathe before the operation; the suitcase part I think is true but it's been re-remembered so many times that it's now a nonsensical romantic Christmas postcard image of a little boy seen in 3rd person (I'm pretty sure I have blended in memories of book illustrations, so none of the details are real anymore, except the factual ones)
Another one is from the operation I remember being surrounded by only masked strangers in green, having a mask put on my face, smelling something that I described as "gas station smell" and hearing someone saying something to the effect of "oh-shit" as I pass out (which is probably either misheard or misremembered, or maybe even me mistaking my own thoughts as a sound). In reality I wasn't entirely surrounded by strangers; because my mom was there; but I didn't know at the time because of the face masks. And while I do not remember at all anything about the time after the operation; I know from what I've been told later that I probably was rather traumatised only drawing large squiggles of only red crayon on white paper for weeks, claiming it was "a shot polar bear" (which is simultaneously very sad and a really funny visual joke) and being very shut off for weeks until I told finally told my mom "You weren't there!"... and even though I don't remember anything about this other than indirectly what I've been told I still get very emotional thinking about it. Obviously my first big trauma.
The final snapshot from the tonsillectomy; is more one single memory of a surprising sensation than a visual memory, from when I a long time after the operation suddenly discovered I could swallow orange wedges because I swallowed one on accident. I had only been able to eat liquid food and suck the juice out of oranges for so long before the tonsillectomy; I had apparently not realised that one could swallow orange the chewed up orange flesh too.
@@SteinGauslaaStrindhaug Interesting. Yes a lot of my memories are from stories told and retold so many times who knows how much truth is in any of them because I don't remember the actual event, just the Retelling of the story. Even when I look at photographs they don't bring back memories of events. Do you have memories of the emotions? Like do you remember how it felt to be scared at that surgery? I was almost shot once as a kid, so I'm assuming I probably was scared. But I only know the "facts (or story)" around the event I don't actually remember being scared. And like you, I could use some surrounding info to try and approximate my age but it'd be a guess.
Me too!
I understand everything, I can now explain myself why I don't remember almost anything from my childhood. I thought it's normal, even though I see people around me coming with a lot of details about their own past. I prefer to not look at photos but I know now that this preference is because I can't feel and relive the moment that picture was taken. It's not cool at all.
I have SDAM too, only found out about it a few years ago. Nice seeing content on it as it's not very well researched and all of the professionals I've seen over the years have never heard of it
It's so hard to find any new information on it. I think there's only one or two research teams studying it.
I'm positive I have sdam. My memory is like a small highlight photo reel. I can remember random things that happened but no details or emotional connection to it.
It sounds like you are someone with sdam that doesn't also have aphantasia? A lot of overlap of the two, but not always.
This is such a great video. You are expressing your experience as well as teaching us. No wonder it seems difficult. Rest assured I can understand you perfectly. Hugs
As a MD (with ASS, aged 59 years)) with mostly Alzheimer's patients I am very familiar with memory problems.... Now for myself: I never heard from SDAM until I learnt it here. But I think I have a similar but not exactly the same condition, and will (also!) not go as far as to call it a disease (for now). I can recall many biographic events (big or small), for me they are visual, like still photo's, and in random order- they are very fragmented. But for a lot of things I experienced my memories are totally gone, or constructed (as you mentioned) or at least only semantic. I have great difficulty to place events on a timescale, that is, not for -a lot of- the big events (I do remember for instance when my son was born and that it was AFTER my high school years [many years after that!!], but for a lot of smaller events. Or I dont remember things like which places I went last holiday (from 3 days ago....). A lot of people can talk about holidays or trips for half an hour, and I may just remember some events or facts a few days later. On the other hand some (random?) memories, even biographic ones, can be very -visually- detailed. In spite of all this I am into a relationship for 7 years now, and still working as a MD, although it costs me more energy than in my younger years. Less compensation possible I guess, and work has grown more and more complex in all regards.
I didn't call it a disease either. Disorder or condition perhaps? Definitely a neurodivergence, I feel. I have to use a lot of logic to figure out when events go on a timeline I don't actually remember semantic stuff in any sort of order.
Ive been saying for years I have a bad memory. People don't believe because I find the info. Now I know why 🤯
A mini frige is a must for bed rest..
I seem to be in the same situation. I know i have aphantasia and there is a lot of evidence to support me having autism/adhd even if I am undiagnosed, but I relate to this in its entirely and its kinda giving me the same feeling as when I discovered aphantasia. Both were on youtube like this and I stumbled across them out of curiosity and then Bam! you have this rare brain thing that is poorly understood!
I feel like I wasnt given that brain update everyone else got, like dude i feel like an outdated device right now. Now I dont necessarily feel bad about it but it is odd, I function fine without all these things that others assumed were necessary while myself being unable to comprehend how the average person thinks. Though its not as if there arent advantages, I think its part of why I am so strong in the face of adversity and that might just be because I cant remember it.
Ill have to learn more, i am confusing
I once spent a whole afternoon talking to an exchange student. The next day I couldn't for the life of me figure out why he was waving at me. I didn't remember him at all. Hours later, all these memories started pouring in. I felt so embarrased, he must have thought I was ignoring him 🙈
My husband and i had a brief convo in a Christmas store w a lady. Ten to fifteen minutes later we had wandered dow the sidewalk to a different store. at the counter a lady spoke to him jokingly/familiarly and I was like.....who was THAT. Him: we saw her in the other store.
I think bc of the whole eye contact thing I often don't really take in people's faces
Do you have any strategies to deal with SDAM over various time periods? For the short and medium term I use my calendar to recall things I did, and a reminder app to make sure I don't forget things I need to do. For the long-term I've been wondering whether I should take more photos (or even videos) to have at least some record of things that happen in my life. Both my parents are still alive in their 80s but when they pass away I'm concerned about how little I'll be able to remember their faces and voices. 😢
I wish I had a good system. I started bullet journaling a few years ago and it was good, but trying to reference it after I had about six journals built up became hard because I couldn't remember which journal to look into. I actually recently downloaded a digital journal so it can be searched, but that obviously won't capture old memories. Photos and videos are helpful for at least having a record, but I don't get much emotional ties looking back at an old photo except the frustrating feeling of not remembering and feeling so detached from them. But it's better than nothing. I've also started taking less photos since leaning about aphantasia, being more selective about important memories (excluding photos I take for social media.)
Before a lot of my elders passed away I took photos of course but I made audio recordings of them talking about their experiences. It’s comforting now that they’re gone!
Have thumbs upped and subscribed. Loving your content.
Thank you, I appreciate it. 🌸🌸
Now it all makes sense. especially death and feelings Thanks for the hard work.
I’m 19 and I just found out about SDAM this month or week or wtvr. I relate so much to it. I know I have it. I would love more videos on SDAM. It’s also helpful to show my mom to help her understand how my brain works. I also use ChatGPT to get it to describe and go further in depth on SDAM when I don’t have the right words to describe it (I have autism so GPT has helped me explain things to her that I can’t alone). We’ve been talking a lot recently comparing our minds bc I have SDAM and aphantasia and she has a typical memory and is able to visualize without any problems so it’s been fun for us to talk and compare and try to understand how each other process things and trying to find words to describe or get across what’s going on in our heads
I'm not officially diagnosed but I feel after watching some of your videos, I'm not alone in many of my issues so maybe I am autistic. It's prompted me to reach out and see about getting diagnosed and help despite being 36. So thank you for being so informative and sharing your experiences.
I had no idea that this was a condition that other people were dealing with. Sometimes I struggle with feeling that my life is a waste of time; because, it doesn't matter what I do today or tomorrow. I won't remember it anyway.
It can feel that way to me too. But I also know that who I am on the present is based on the actions of the past. So what I do now in this moment effects my future present. And since I mostly live in the present moment it does make a difference.
Most everything in this video I can relate to. I can relate to getting diagnose on having Asperger's. And later in life, that I have Autism since they took out Asperger's as an official diagnosis. Grouping it into Autism. I can relate to having difficulties on recalling specific details on past life event memories. I've been dealing with this my whole life. I also can relate having a very difficult time visualizing simple objects in my mind. This video has opened me up to what I might have. Thanks for sharing this video with us.
It makes some sense that SDAM and aphantasia are connected. I think neuro-typical people recover lots of memories as a sort of movie replay, including all the emotions they felt during the original performance. It is hard for me to believe that complete aphantasia is possible. It seems like it would have to be more of a complete spectrum of replay ability.
For example, someone might associate the color "green" with vivid memories of particularly green things they have seen while others have a much more simplified recollection of what that color looks like. How do you recognize a particular color?
I don't know. The knowledge of color is in my brain, I just can't see Green or whatever color in my mind. But if I see a green apple I can recognize it as green. It is an interesting question though. I can't visualize my kids faces but I recognize them. Now people I don't see often I won't recognize without context.
I was relieved to hear you mention at the end how trauma can affect memory, because it’s good to know you’ve looked into that at least a little bit. I’m not here to invalidate SDAM at all, but just to add food for thought. SDAM could absolutely be a diagnosis in itself, but I’m also wondering if it’s a symptom of another diagnosis. Yes, trauma can absolutely lead to amnesia related to the traumatic event, either blotting out the trauma in part or completely, or making it difficult to remember the period of time around the trauma (like having no memory of 6th grade if your trauma happened around that time). But ongoing trauma or even just ongoing high levels of stress (like from being neurodivergent or autistic in a neurotypical world) can cause various degrees of dissociation, which can also absolutely disrupt memory storage. If you live your life with a certain degree of chronic dissociation, it makes sense that you may not be able to access emotional or visual aspects of your memory. Curious if you’ve ever tried EMDR or similar therapies for memory recovery. Sometimes we just don’t know how to access emotional memory because we have never been safe enough for our brains to allow us access to it. If we are living life in a state of overwhelm, our brains put that stuff on the back burner just for the sake of getting-through.
My partner’s autobiographical memory is often her retelling a story she’s told before, but she doesn’t actually have the memory of it. We now know she has a dissociative disorder, which explains her amnesia.
I have no reason to believe I had a traumatic childhood, my sister has an excellent memory and she'd know. Yes, there is the ongoing trauma of being undiagnosed autistic and one can't discount that. But considering I have total aphantasia and many people with aphantasia also have SDAM and the experience of other people with SDAM aligns with my experience of memory it just fits. If another explanation comes across that fits more I'd adopt it. I don't relate to the dissociative disorders I've learned about and none of them were flagged when I did my psych eval.
HOLY SHIT- I already knew i had aphantasia but damn.... my whole life makes a lot more sense now... :O
I was around 3 mins into the video when i spent over an hour googling SDAM before now coming back and watching the rest of it... and i relate so badly- Idk whether to be happy or sad XD
I think i may also be really relieved in a way.... And i'll probably look for your video about grief... cus I've always felt guilty about it... in a way... how little i think about those i have lost... and now i am crying again. AAAAAAA
Still, thank you for the video!!! And your other vids as well! I have only seen a few but i am learning a lot so i really appreciate it! :D
It really sucks, but there was some comfort I found in having a name for the disorder and not feeling like something was terribly scary wrong with me. Hope you feel the same.
Thank you so much for telling me all about your story with S.D.A.M.; I have sent some Arcturian healing energy your way to see if it will help improve it at all! (Namaste.) -- P.S. did you notice your snowflake art dances around 10:45? I wonder if it's a trick of the light / when you wave your hands around or if it's a soul on camera. Either way, have a wonderful day!
If no particular official diagnosing strategy how did you learn about it (SDAM) and self-diagnose ??? Thanks 💞👊
I read a few articles. Also sdamstudy.weebly.com is a good resource along with Facebook message boards.
I hope your surgery went well. I can't wait to see you back in this channel. I don't have any other social media.
Surgery went well, it's a long recovery. They said could be a year before I'm walking without a limp
I went from discovering I have Aphantasia to discovering I have SDAM (probably) in the span of a few months.
I also always thought it was just w´hat remembering is like and after aphantasia I thought it was just that I can't relive them because of it but yeah no.
I feel like the 8.5 weeks thing is a good example because it more generalised for me as well. I remember general things like a todo list but most details are not there if they were not important enough to go on my "describer-list" for that event.
Is it SDAM at the end of the day? I don't know. I would love to get diagnosed but as of now thats not in the books so I am just happy having a label and ppl to relate to.
❌️ Before your video, I watched this morning, I had no idea SDAM existed, and that it was part of the NEURO DIVERGENCY. In 1987 I moved to the USA, and I was living in Nevada, which borders California, and I used to go there all the time. However I noticed, my friends would remember streets, buildings, and the prior vacations, and I didn't. I remembered feeling embarrassed then, because I told this story many times, and I also noticed, they had long lasting friendships, and they have fond memories together. I didn't. I vaguely remember that I went on vacations, but mostly because other people talked about them, and with time, I imagined my way through burning them in my head, I think it's because I'm hyper visual, and creative, I see my new stories like in a movie - always, from a third person's perspective. So, it's like I'm watching TV with me in the show, walking with my family. My daughter told me today that she sees herself from her body, as if the event is happening at the time, not the way I do, and that's how all her friends see themselves. She found my experience odd, and I found hers odd... In any case, my younger daughter has APHANTASIA, and I suspect SDAM as well, she cannot remember her childhood, nor vacations, or anything much. When she experienced trauma she can't remember that she almost drowned, only when we talk about it, but the trauma is stuck in her subconscious. In essence she feels the pain, not knowing why. WEIRD thing, I alao almost drowned at the same age of 13!!!
I found your videos on YT, and do not have a TT account. Thank you for posting these, I'm truly grateful. When I found out I'm NEURODIVERGENT, with several comorbidities, it helped me a lot, because I'm EXCELLENT at masking. It truly helped me so much - it humanized me, and as I learned more and more, I felt that I found my people, my tribe. I became more gentle with myself, and more loving. Thank you very much!!! 🥰🙏🙏🙏❌️
❤️❤️❤️ Learning about SDAM is eye opening. Nothing can be done for it, but it helps to have a name.
Thanks for sharing with so much authentic experience, it was a gift and know how much love this video has generated. Keep up the good work❤
I am excited to find others like me. I always felt so weird and alone that I couldn't remember my life or events that friends and family remember. I would just pretend. On the plus side, I can't hold grudges!! I also suffer from aphantasia. I had no idea until I watched one of your videos that some people actually see images in their minds. Like you, I'm high-functioning autistic and diagnosed with ADHD. Is it possible these conditions comprise a syndrome?
Wondering if you have a markedly bad sense of direction? It runs in my family. Thank goodness for GPS!
PS I too spent months on bed rest while pregnant with my now 15 year old twins. What a funny coincidence :)
question: have you explored other methods of memory activation/attachment? we essentially have the same brain [aspergers while it was still a thing, aphantasia, presentation etc] but the flip side of that is that i actually have an insanely keen eidetic memory through my kinesthetic synesthesia. my memories are textures, shapes, and pressure; i can 'touch' them with my private sign language [since childhood] and the pictographic language i have for myself. quite literally, i can recite entire conversations i've been in, because i don't 'remember' them--i step back into them on an experiential level, just in my brain. just that those conversations, experiences, etc, exist separate to artificial things [dates, days of the week, etc]. yesterday could be two weeks ago could be tomorrow, lol. i also have a systemic broca's aphasia but that is likely more to do with my CP.
edit-that being said, i have to be mentally present [i call it riding my intuition] to be able to have that memory encoded properly. i have entire blank spots in my history because i wasn't in touch with myself [and, ergo, not engaging my signs]. the way i've always felt it-any type of absence means something else has to be operating somewhere cognition-wise. so from a young age, i leaned in
another edit, because this is important-my memory is associative in nature. i don't remember EVERYTHING at once. but, everything is somewhere in my brain; it's a matter of laying certain associative triggers [most visceral for me are emotive-somatic] and circling back to them through the chain. if i'm not present and not feeling my signs, i'll have a blank spot. i'm just now verbalising this for the first time [lifelong unconscious process that i'm trying to translate for you] but i feel it may be helpful for you to better understand me, so i'll give it a shot--if i'm present and somatically engaged, my brain will usually automatically attach a 'key' to that experience, fact, concept, etc. that key can be an object, a sign, an affective sensation ['sense of dread', 'makes my teeth itchy', a very specific kinesthetic texture, etc]. so, re-experiencing that key [seeing the shoe i put on the floor overnight to remember grabbing the mail when i wake up; REALLY looking at the pile of project tools i assembled last week, so i can circle back to said project next week, etc] pulls the content of that memory right back up. i've verb'ed this process as archaeology since childhood, lol. "let's archaeology this..."//"i have to archaeology something, gimme a sec", etc.
based on everything you've described, some of this may sound familiar. or it may not. if thats the case, i apologise for the weird micronovel in your comment section--either way, it could be a useful to keep in mind [ha] for your research.
This is really fascinating! Thank you so much for sharing. It is amazing how different brains are. This sounds very foreign to me. I actually don't think I even create Autobiographical Memory. That's what the research about SDAM is leaning towards also. So there's no way to access them if the brain doesn't store them to begin with.
Asexual people, people with aphantasia, DID, etc were all believed to only be around 1% of the population... Until they weren't. Asexuality is now 1-4%, Aphantasia 3-4%, and DID up to 7-8%. Sometimes I just think scientists really like to say anything "new" is 1% of the population. I'm not a scientist, but since SDAM is also linked to aphantasia, my guess would be closer to around 2-4% of the population. And yeah, the algorithm is pretty awesome at gathering all the niche people together.
Exactly. When I first heard of aphantasia a few years ago it was 1% and now it's much higher. The same will be soon true with Autisim. I think there are just so many of us undiagnosed. I'm excited because with more awareness, hopefully more neurotypical spaces will allow room for Neurodivergent thinking. Fingers crossed, we are still a long way off.
i’ve always thought i dissociate. i am eager to learn more about SDAM. i CRS. 😂
My memory of events and people is bad. Had a friend that thought I was joking when I couldn't recall events and people from must a year or two past. So I have known my meme is off since I was 22, I'm now 65. It doesn't bother me really. Nothing I can do anyway.
I had a TBI and lingering memory issues from it. Im curious before your diagnosis did people think you were manipulative/ a liar? Ive struggled with that because my story deatils will change, because I don't really remember them.
Often friends or family would/will get hurt when I don't remember something. I don't think people have thought I'm a liar, but maybe. SDAM is a life long condition so anyone close to me knows that I just never remember stuff and I finally had a name for it when I was 38.
I am completely fascinated by this and would love to hear more about it. Do other people in your family have SDAM? It make sense that the aphantasia and SDAM would occur together, but it's kind of the exact opposite of what some people say -- that people with autism think in pictures. I can visualize things -- for example, a dress I want to make, but I also have a dialogue in words going in my mind all the time. (Even though I think I may be autistic.) When you are planning something to cook, do you not visualize how it should look when it's finished or when it's served? When you go for a walk, do you recognize landmarks in your neighborhood? Are there ways you can "create" memories by deliberately putting things in your knowledge memory instead of depending on your sensory or emotional memory? Do you think the memories are not there at all, or that you can't access them at will?
When I'm cooking I don't see the final dish in my mind because of aphantasia and I can't even remember what it'll taste like until I taste it. I memorized what spices go together, but everytime I taste something it's like a new experience.
When I walk around the neighborhood I recognize landmarks but if something was removed I wouldn't be able to tell you what was there before. Or if something new showed up, I wouldn't be sure if it was always there or not.
The more a story of an event is told the more likely I'll remember the semantic knowledge of that story.
I'm beginning to think I don't create Autobiographical Memories so I couldn't access them. Researchers are still studying this.
Even though you're probably faking most of it, thank you for bringing awareness to these things!
What a horrible thing to say. Fake-Claiming is harmful. I am Autistic/ADHD, have Aphantasia and SDAM. Watch this video:
ruclips.net/video/2dT65aG8GeQ/видео.html
How does one convince a Doctor to test for these problems. What do we have to say to convince them? I have always said that my subconscious buries my memories but the semantic memory sounds a lot like what I experience and I am going to repost all your videos on my face book. My daughter and I have suspected Autism for us, since her child was finally diagnosed, but there are other problems as well, for all of us.
Well Aphantasia and SDAM don't have tests. They are still being researched and aren't in any diagnostic manuals. I went to a psychologist and got diagnosed with Autism and ADHD.
This is all super interesting, thank you so much for sharing. I have a very odd and unrelated question but my brain can't continue listening to your voice, I must ask it: is there someone, or something sleeping next to you that is snoring? 😅🙊😂 I am crazy and do I have hearing hallucinations?! 😅
My pug is often heard snoring in many of my videos. He's often at my feet. Haha! My new mic doesn't pic his sounds up as much.
SDAM ? I have experienced this “memory loss”. all my 76 years! I always said “I’m a poor historian !” But I hate that my Sister reminds me that she is my memory ! I wondered if this memory loss was due to a head injury at the age of about 10-11? And my mother told me about a head injury as an infant !
SDAM is thought to be something you are born with, but that's not to say someone with SDAM wouldn't also have an injury. So who is to know in that case.
I’m 70 and my sister has always been my memory. And I think I’ve been overly attached to stuff I’ve collected through the years because it connects me in small ways to people or events from my mostly blank past.
My mouth gets me in much trouble for "innocent remarks" that others consider rude. I have a problem with what is considered proper. Is this what you mean by emotions? Are we suppose to feel the memory when we bring it back up? You made me realize that most of my emotion memories are rather plain? isolated? confused? I am not sure,
I'm not sure. Your innocent remarks that get mistaken for being rude seems more like an autism trait. As for the memories, some people have richer deeper emotions with memories than other people. I don't experience memories. I just have a list of facts of things I know happened, but there's no memory really. It's just the knowledge that certain things happened. Like I know I went to Disney last summer but I don't remember the trip. I just know it happened.
Could this be why I only remember events of my life like they're postcards?...
Possibly. There can be a lot of reasons for memory loss, but SDAM fits my experience.
There's no way to know how many people actually have it. I've always felt like it was normal (until you find out it's not).
It's the same how they say ADHD affects boys more, but what it actually is is that boys are given the diagnosis more often, because they based the research and test on boys.
Plus, until they have a way to ask every person on earth, there's no way they can know it's only 2%
I agree. Still, it isn't common that is for sure.
Hey! So what you experienced at 38 realizing you might have SDAM, I am starting to realize today for myself. Very similar symptoms of 'weird memory'. I will start to research about it. You have done that already, so maybe you already know the answer I am asking myself for so many years : do you think this issue is somehow because memories were not properly registered at the time? so that would be maybe related to an attention-deficit disorder? Or the other possibility is maybe the memories were correctly registered but it's the access to them now that has an issue? What is your opinion on this? Did you find any research on this, the root cause?
As far as I know they don't know a cause for SDAM. I'd be interested if you find out something.
So you’re telling me that people have memories with feelings, and some even have their other senses? I won’t assume I have sdam but I have aphantasia, adhd and autism, just diagnosed at 32. I only just found out I have aphantasia this year after seeing an image of apples asking which one you could see in your mind and realised I had nothing. I can only remember very specific parts of things like something I may have done with someone, but it’s not an image or feeling it’s just the idea that it happened. I have no idea how to explain. My dad passed away a couple of years ago, and despite spending every day with him I have only a couple vague ideas of memories with him and I can’t picture his face at all… in some ways it’s helped with my grief but at the same time potentially makes it feel worse… I don’t know. Very interested in learning more anyway
Yes, a lot of peoples memories are full of senses. My sister once told me she could remember the weight and smell of holding her newborn son in her arms.
1 to 2 percent of the population actually isn't that rare, so it makes sense. Remember one percent is just one out of a hundred- there are a LOT of hundreds of people in the world!
It's always nice to find someone who has heard of or has SDAM. I don't know anyone IRL that has it. I often use the term Rare, but I just looked it up and if I did the math right it has to be 0.06% of the population (in USA) to be considered rare. I couldn't find a world stat.
Good Nearly Noon =o)
Yeah, I just consider myself a very "In the Present" person.
My "Memories" are like reading back a written checklist that I have to "re-copy" every time and hope the fidelity remains.
It is surreal to have people tell me of fantastic adventures we've been on together and I swear I have never seen them before in my life...
I always thought it just a "Bad Memory" but I can recall the most trivial of factoids and yet not remember my co-instructor from last weekend and even specifics about students from this past weekend are already getting "murky".
Oh yes, when someone recounts some outing we were on together and I have zero memory, both semantic or episodic of it happening. It's always so surreal!
Im crying. I'm the same way I look at my kids and can't remember anything I can't remember my wedding it so upsetting when you said you can't remember Christmas I can't I can't remember who was here today is 5/24 last month i no joke got lost going yo my kids school and had to use GPS it was so scary i wish there was a way we could talk on the phone about this if there was a way please let me know I never told anyone about this
Sending hugs. I go through phases where my memory disorder really upsets me when I think about it's effects. But mostly I just live in the present, it's all I can do. But I completely understand. ❤️
Have you found any videos or something I can look into this more I was telling myself I just showing signs of very early Dementia
I have a Playlist on my channel for SDAM. I'm not sure about other creators, I'm in a Facebook group for people with SDAM too.
I find it very difficult to understand how one can go through life without "episodic memory", which seems the divergence in memories. I know this only from dementia patients, but they could never communicate like you do. If you can describe like a concrete case how this is manifest in your life that would be very helpful.
I have a Playlist of videos where I talk about my memory disorder. I think I might do my next one on it too.
My memory of events is more like the text subtitles on the news, than the full video and audio feed. I never get the sensation of being transported back to a situation, by a smell or taste or sound. I cannot re-experience how I felt in a situation, even if I know the adjectives that describe how I felt. I have to make a mental (language based) note of things in a situation, as there is no innate mechanism to remember details.
Do you journal to keep track of more of the events of your life?
Yes and no, on and off. My ADHD with executive funtioning makes it hard for me to keep up a journal for an extended lenght of time. A journal helps me for important medical info or dates, but it doesn't "jog" memories.
Oh hi, it's someone like me
Please give yourself the permission to express your thoughts as they come to you, rather than trying to duplicate some more typical youtube script. We are here to learn about the real you.
I really appreciate this comment more than you can know. 💜
Do you dream in images, I’m curious because I do but I have aphantasia. I know some people don’t dream in images either.
I do dream in images, but not very often. I mostly don't remember my dreams or am even aware if I had a dream or not that night. I did a video talking more about it.
ruclips.net/video/Z0X2z5P25_s/видео.html
Do your ember visually, but not emotionally?
I don't have any visuals in my mind.
Wait... people remember their feeelings?
Oh yes, many do.
Why can't I past intro ur video
Not sure? Are you having internet problems? It's all there. Hope it works for you later.
Less cleavage please. I have snap shots of memories abd if I "remember" something, it's like I'm looking at myself from the outside a lot of times. What is that?? Is it a form of dissociation? I have high anxiety and performance anxiety and ADHD/ASD, but also trauma and abuse history. Maybe time to see a therapist again. Ugh. Would love to be done with all of it!
That's only English speakers pronouncing Aphantasia that way.
I forgot how I said it in this video. When I first learned about aphantasia, I'd only seen it written so I said it with an ah sound. Then someone told me it should be a long A like in atypical because the long A prefix means Not. And phantasia means Imagination.
Is it just me or do people with this disorder seem to be rather comical people? You seem to like making jokes and so do the people in the comments plus the article of the first discovery of it, she said she loves telling jokes.
I don't know, I know sometimes it's a laugh or cry situation. Not remembering my life often makes me want to cry but there's no point so I guess I laugh instead. People don't typically think of me as a funny person, so I appreciate that. I like to think I'm funny, at least sometimes. 😁