I can see how the MIL making remarks about the baby wanting/liking being near “mum’s boob” would feel inappropriate and alienating. If it were me, I’d never want literally anyone to refer to my chest like that-I feel like if you wouldn’t do it to someone who isn’t a parent/breastfeeding/whatever, you shouldn’t do it to anyone. There’s also the cultural sting of people losing their individual personhood and humanity as soon as they give birth to a baby. If MIL has a history of not viewing OP as a full person and instead as a vessel for grandchildren, then MIL continuing to needle and refer to OP only in relation to her child-caring-abilities(?) would be frankly disrespectful and dehumanizing.
Being reduced to the utility of my boobs would genuinely have been enough for me to reduce contact with a MIL. Society tends to take women’s sense of self when they become mothers. I was a person, I had a successful career, I was going to college, I had interesting hobbies, but everyone just called me “mom.” Any gifts I received were related to motherhood and conversation was all about the babies. I resented it. Nobody cared that I was still a person independent of being a mother. It was isolating and nearly impossible to maintain any sense of self. To further reduce motherhood to breasts would push me over the edge. I’m not just boobs, I’m not just mom, I’m a person! Now that my kids are teens/young adults, I’m glad I tried so hard to continue being myself and growing as a person after they were born. I think I’ve been a better mom because I’ve fought to have an identity outside of parenthood.
My partner is 6 foot 7 inches and 305lbs (138kg)…. We share a double bed (full size for Americans). Its squished but demanding a King size in someone else’s home is not acceptable.
@@Paigewe It is not has hellish as it sounds! luckily we both like to be near each other but as a starfish sleeper I do miss the kind we used to have in an old flat lol.
@@kylieseidner6024 my partner is 6 foot 1 and I'm 5 foot 9. When we try and sleep in a full bed I fall off 😂! He moves a lot and starfishes and I like to curl up. When we laid side by side in a full bed last time I think we each had a few inches on either side. I'm glad you guys make it work though!
@@Paigewe we definitely only have inches to spare on each side! I’m not as tall as you as I’m 5’7” and I would prefer to starfish and I’m the one moving a lot haha. I’m not sure how my man deals with it 😂 we have found that we can’t face each other to sleep sinxe his knees then jab me so it’s all about the coordinated spooning essentially haha. Unfortunately it’s a struggle during warmer months (no AC) but we aren’t in a position to get a bigger bed.
20:24 I know the feeling of a day ruined by someone bringing up a topic they Know will start a fight, disregard your feelings, not drop the topic, and will only except you totally changing to a different person and being a door mat as a solution
Yup, I thought about that too. There is a difference between unspoken/unreasonable expectations and what OP wants here. She wants a nice day without a fight. You can't have a happy relationship when one partner wants to always come in swinging or can't go a whole day without yelling at you.
I was flabbergasted when my mother in law thought I was going to let her put a bunch of her friends on the guest list. We weren't even inviting non-close family (literally my parents, his parents, and his brother's family). I decided to compromise by letting our parents each bring a guest (my mom brought her sister, which I think made them both happy, even though I firmly needed to tell my aunt her ex con boyfriend I never met couldn't come). My brother and grandparents ended up not coming (my grandfather sadly passed away a few months before), so I gave my mother in law a few extra invites since we were falling below the minimum we paid for. She basically got to just have her own little table of people in the end, which is fine. I'm still glad I set boundary though.
The 3rd story... I read it as MIL caused so much stress, OP lost her baby... And the unresolved issues surround that! And I get it... What a weird reaction from the husband to defend the MIL who aided in losing a pregnancy... Nope... Not ok at all
Yeah, I feel like that part wasn't really read properly. OP lost a baby over this. The husband's behavior is so far out of line it isn't even funny. It's honestly abusive. He can't go a day without throwing his mom in her face and after what Op lost I can't blame her for longing for just one day where she can just be happy without a fight.
I think Shaaba misread it. She actually corrected herself to say "nearly lost the baby" But op did lose the baby, whether it was solely caused by mil-related stress or not, and wanting distance from mil after a trauma like that is so understandable And op wanting a "perfect day" I think is also being misread. She says that her relationship with her husband is rough right now and her "perfect day" seems to be just One Day where they don't have a fight over mil. And what does husband do? He mentions his mother in the car on the way home. She doesn't want "no one to say anything she disagrees with", she just wants to have 24 hours where she doesn't have a screaming match with her husband
Mom and I have quite recently had a more "adult" discussion on extended family, aka me explaining why we feel so differently around those relationships. Mom used to often say stuff like "[extended family member(s)] says hi!/misses you/are wondering when you'll come to our next family gathering etc." As some quick backstory; I'm coming up on 5yrs since I saw or spoke to any of them, and around 8yrs since I fell chronically ill (pain + fatigue). I explained to mom that I personally don't have a relationship with them and even tho they keep on asking about me, that doesn't mean that they're interested in *me*. I mean, ofc they ask about me, because i'm my mom's kid. I too ask my friends about their kids, but that doesn't mean that I'm interested in the kid themself, but that i'm interested in my friend and their life. My extended family members have *never* reached out to me personally, to ask me about all this stuff they ask via my mom, which just reinforces my point. I'm 30 btw. Also, it's always "when are you coming to see us?" and never "can we come and see you?". Our relationship is solely based around them and their conditions. My mom asked me if I didn't even wanna catch up with my younger cousins and honestly, even back when I did force myself to go to the gatherings, it's been many years since I could play around with them and the only person I genuinely interacted with was my sister. When she moved away, I had no one to hang out with. I would simply sit in a corner and suffer, whilst some random family member happened to walk past and try to strike up a conversation, which i couldn't hear due to the overwhelming environment and they'd quickly get bored of me or be uncomfortable because I wasn't "feeling better yet". Basically, if I wanna hang out with my sister, there are far better environments for both of us to do so. If my extended family genuinely were interested in having a relationship with me, they'd get in contact with me, without middle hands. Anyway, I guess this is a long winded way of me to say that just because an extended family member is "invested" in your life, doesn't mean that you actually have a relationship with them.
My Mom called herself "Mommy the milk machine" at a certain point in my development. I don't think the boob thing is malicious but if she doesn't like she needs to make that clear to her MIL.
As someone with friends who are breastfeeding currently, I feel like OP in the boob story is potentially projecting her own feelings onto her MIL’s comments. My friends have expressed to me countless times how exhausted they feel breastfeeding 24/7, and how it feels like their babies only see them as a food source. It has been really disheartening to one friend in particular when his baby smiles at his daddy or friends, but with dad, he only cares about breastfeeding. I bet that OP is having these types of feelings, and so MIL’s comments are verbalizing OP’s worst fear. That fear being that her only value in life now is as a food source for her baby, and thus her individual personhood means nothing. She definitely needs to have a talk with MIL, but before that, she should probably consider where the true source of her feelings is coming from
I do agree that this could be the case, especially with how breastfeeding is sometimes seen - and pushed - as the Right Way. I have 2 friends especially who had a hard time with breastfeeding but were feeling really guilty that this made them bad mothers and somehow incapable. Being a new mom is already hard and breastfeeding can also be a challenging for a multitude of reasons, so it is perfectly normal to have a lot of feelings. But that doesn’t mean others are trying to hurt us. The way we feel about something is not always the way others are intending to make us feel. The story is really short so it is hard to know what MIL’s intentions are of if she means anything bad with it. Maybe she doesn’t even know OP is upset and she would be very willing to be supportive and helpful, not only by not making those comments anymore but also being supportive in others ways if OP is tired, overwhelmed or just could use extra help. I hope OP can express to MIL how those comments make her feel and it can be a way to get to know each other better.
Not gonna lie, I had erased any possible use of carafes (?) like that save for propagating plants like avocados and potatoes. Blew my mind to realise not only could you *serve* drinks from it, you could straight up drink from it lol. Totally unrelated to plants! I think every container in my home is fated to be used for plants at this point.
The one with the 'calling me a boob' thing I can sort of understand depending on OP's relationship with MIL. In my family, while we're all mostly comfortable around each other, referring repetitively to each other's breasts (even in the context of breastfeeding) would feel pretty uncomfortable and unnatural, especially if the tone seemed demeaning or disrespectful, which the post doesn't specify. I think more context would be needed for it to be clear whether or not the MIL's comments had malicious intent and also it really just depends on what OP is comfortable with. love your vids btw !!
I agree. My best friend breastfed her three kids and the latter two have been less than fond of bottles (last one is 6 months, we're still hoping she'll be persuated 😅). This isn't optimal but at least with her closest she deals with it using humor. So we often joke about her being a boob. But this is always coming from her first and she is generally the one most comfortable with talking about it! It's a case of reading the situation and the person rather than the exact language used. It doesn't take a lot of social skills to know the difference!
My partner and I are both on the bigger side and the extra 16 inches in a king sized bed does feel luxurious when we rent a room with one, so to me it does make a difference. If mil and fil are used to sleeping on a king bed at home it does feel uncomfortable to sleep on a smaller bed when traveling, but you still don't get to dictate the furniture other people have in their homes.
We also really feel the difference after we bought a new bed. My parents have a very soft, cheap queen sized bed in their little guest room and it's hard when you're used to the space. But I honestly love that because it just makes sleeping in our own spacious bed after a visit so much sweeter 😊
Accepting money from people like 1st story MIL is just asking for trouble. Any time they tell you it's "no strings attached", that means there are _absolutely strings attached._ They're the kind of people who you literally have to ask for everything in writing because otherwise they'll just try to gaslight you, they cannot be trusted to give gifts simply for the sake of generosity.
Yep, unless someone has PROVEN in the past that there really are no strings attached, it has all the vibes of "What could possibly go wrong?" If someone hasn't given you reasons to trust them with the small things, they're not worth trusting for the big things. Not to mention, who on earth are those people she wants to invite?! At best, it's an awkward situation, and in all likelihood you'll just get stressed out thinking about them and your MIL and whether or not you made a mistake.
For the last story, I was getting vibes that the in-laws were trying to imply that not only would they be visiting often, but for longer stretches of time, and therefore needed more than just a guest room. Also in the US there is what's called a "California King" which is the same width as a queen but longer. Thats what they're looking for lol
For the first one, I have a grandmother that would absolutely use her money to guilt trip other people. She did this to everyone for YEARS, and she would never let it go. No gift was just a gift, there was always strings attached. I have a bad feeling about this MIL.
Whenever someone makes an extravagant offer with "no strings attached", get that shit in writing! If they balk, guess someone was talking out their ass, and you have no reason to accept. This is why we have contracts, so someone can't run roughshod over others just because they "gave" them something.
I can't say I blame the op for wanting a "perfect day" I get the feeling they just want to be able to enjoy a day with her husband without them starting a fight by mentioning his mother. Honestly it sounds like he isn't happy that his mom and Op don't get along but op doesn't want a relationship with his mom. Neither side is budging on the issue (and if the hubby knows his mother stressing op out caused the huge problem) they should probably just break up. He knows she has a firm boundary of not wanting a relationship with his mom. He can't stand it and so pesters her about it. It is like knowing that at any moment your partner will bring up a harsh topic that you made clear makes you uncomfortable or upset. It's a husband problem. 100%
20:04 I feel kinda bad for commenting again but I'd also say that, as someone who has experienced quite a few not-so-great relationships in the past, I'm always wary about bringing up negative topics in an already negative environment. In my head, if someone is having a bad day and potentially not thinking clearly because they're stressed or frustrated, if I tell them something negative, I'm often scared they will yell at me or hurt me or whatever. I don't know if the husband in this context would have a similar fear, but if so, it could explain why he chose to bring up negative topics on what seemed like a 'Perfect Day'. He might just not want to worsen an already negative environment, or potentially just hoped that they wouldn't argue or fight if they were having a good day previously.
I totally see that! It makes so much sense cause I grew up with an explosive reacting father… if we wanted something from him (mostly a sleepover with friends) we had to figure out when to ask him to get a positive reaction of him… not even him saying yes, but to not explode on us…
I think fostering an environment where you have more 'perfect' days is so important though. Like sometimes, some things just don't need to be said. If I'm having the first good day in a long time with my spouse, that is not the day to bring anything that we are fighting over up. Let the good day be a good day. As you have more good days, you could be like "I understand why you don't talk to my mom, but seeing other people's relations with their mother in laws makes me sad that we have to miss out on that".
@@Paigewe That makes total sense and I understand that! I just wanted to offer my perspective as a potential addition to the situation, but I definitely see where you're coming from. It's nice to have positive days without unnecessary arguments and such.
Something that has always confused me... My grandparents have a spare room with a king size bed in it which I've always thought was weird because they sleep on a double
I bought a larger bed in order to make space for the cat (or let's be honest, for me to sleep around the cat). If it weren't for him though, as just one person, I'd still be perfectly comfortable sleeping in a twin bed. I can't even imagine how much space a king size bed is
I had to comment because it reminded me when I went from a twin size bed to a full size bed and I had 2 cats. When I got my first apartment, I couldn't afford a new bed so I brought my childhood bed with me. When I finally had to get a new bed and I decided to upgrade to a full. When I got my new full size bed, I thought I would have more room. But I was wrong, the cats only spread out even more and I never ended up with more room. It didn't bother me because they loved me and wanted to be near me.
Regarding the boob story. This is 100% Just NO MIL! There is such a long history of society treating women as only existing for men's pleasure and baby's convenience, that the very idea of dismissing her personhood like that is terrible on every level. It would be bad enough if it was a close friend or her close family member saying it in a *joking* way, or if she had made the joke once (i.e. feeling like 'just a boob' when the baby was being needy) and someone else thought it was acceptable to repeat, but the HUSBANDs parent (hello patriarchy, our old enemy) *constantly* referring to the mother's relationship with her child as being about her breastfeeding ability?! She is not a tool, her entire significance relegated to the body part which feeds their grandchild. Nope, entirely too gross and demeaning.
I honestly understand why that mother is so uncomfortable with MIL reducing her relationship with her child to ability to breastfeed. What if breastfeeding is hard and painful for her, what if she just hates it? Being a mother is so much more than breastfeeding, and a baby preferring their mother over their grandmother is natural, and not something the mother-in-law should need to rationalize, unless she has serious boundery issues, or somehow thinks the child belongs to her.
My husband is 6'5" and my dad is 6'7". For decades, my parents had a queen bed, no problems. Husband and I in a queen - problems. I am a light sleeper who doesn't move during sleep. Husband is a DEEP sleeper who thrashes around in his sleep, and talks sometimes too. I all capped deep, because I struggle to wake him to get him to stop. We maintain separate bedrooms for sleep hygiene, but when we need to use his bedroom as a guest room, we can manage in my king-sized bed. As for the OP, I say just level with them. Sure, you can buy a king. But we are planning for another child, and when that happens, the king bed is going to have to go. If they can't share a queen, investing in two twin beds (confusingly for my non-North Americans, a twin fits one person) might be a shout.
Your comment about moving into the space and getting a feel for it first is something Ive always done. Back in the day, when my husband was in the service, we waited a year to get on post housing. When we finally got the house, I was pregnant with kid#3, had a newborn, and a 9 year old. The house was four bedrooms: bedrooms were all on the second floor, and kitchen, living room, dining, laundry, and den were all downstairs. Ultimately we decided to use the DEN as our master bedroom rather than using one of the very big rooms upstairs. Mainly because it was close to the kitchen and general living spaces, because that particular room had a huge bay window that allowed a lot of light in, and I felt safer sleeping on the ground floor being pregnant. My biggest fear was falling down the stairs...and it actually happened when I was 8 months pregnant. I just happened to be carrying my then one year old at the time. Thankfully I managed to land on my butt, but that was the last time the two youngest slept on the 2nd floor for nearly 4 years.
About the MIL saying "the baby wants you because of your boobs" or "He is quiet because he can smell your boobs", I actually take issue with that myself. Like yes she's not directly calling the girl a boob and yes mom's provide the milk so someone MIGHT be coming from a "moms are the babies main provider" mentality... But that's like giving the MIL a lot of credit and assuming she's naive and wholesome, when there is a high chance she isn't coming from that angle. To me "he's quiet because he can smell your boobs" sounds more like something a straight conservative person would put on a toddler t-shirt. Like all those "I'm a boob man" shirts for 1 year old boys. Highly inappropriate and would make me feel uncomfortable too. I do agree that she needs to have a conversation with MIL to express this if she hasn't. But yeah, I'd take issue with my MIL constantly saying that too.
13 minutes! Not right on time but still kinda early! Also just wanted to say that you’re videos help me so much, always bring a smile to my face and just make my days better, thank you for everything you do for us 💗💗
My first thought at the bed one is that the in laws are planning to move in at some point. Like maybe when they retire or something. They might not even be sneaky, they just assuming
The lead time on furniture/mattresses may depend on where you are. I'm in the US and you absolutely can just go pick one up at the store the same day, unless it's custom made or something. If I order online it usually takes a couple weeks to arrive. High end furnishings might be different but that's been my experience.
30:54 In the USA large furniture doesn't necessarily have a big lead time. I've bought a queen bed and had it loaded up in my Dad's truck 15 minutes after paying. And when I bought a large sectional couch it was delivered the next day. But the fact that having it there in 3 weeks or less may well be practical doesn't make it right for them to decide the furnishings that go in someone else's home.
I'm a big person, and my spouse and I sleep on separate sides of the bed (our old bed had a raised ridge down the middle, lol), and a queen is a big squish for us. That space can be a surprising amount. My mother bought a king size bed for her guest room when she moved to a different city so we could sleep comfortably when we visited. But the key difference is that it was her house and she was happy to spend her money that way for us. We did not demand that, we did not expect that, and we certainly did not make ultimatums. Having said that - it makes our visits much more comfortable, and I'm very grateful. Again though - she did that so we could comfortably visit for longer times, often for the year, because that was what SHE wanted to do in HER house.
2:04 admittedly the only Asian wedding I’ve ever been to was a Catholic one in Singapore and the only people I knew were the bride, groom, his parents and the groom’s brother (my partner) though partner’s dad being attempted to be speedy dressed in a sari was hilarious, he just stood there completely nonplused .
Oh my gosh I had a very similar thing to the first one! My MIL tried to justify it by saying that the family friends “always ask” about My now husband when they chat on the phone, as though that’s not a normal part of polite conversation 😅
In regards to the wedding, I had some people who I really didn't at my wedding. I had friends who knew this and asked for pictures. They were my "security" for my wedding, which let me not worry. It's always nice to have backup!
The last one just make me think the in-laws are being entitled about the whole bed situation. Like it's not their house but they're trying to pressure their kids to letting them have a bigger bed vs not only what can reasonably fit in the room but also going against what the people who own the house want. I get if someone has a preference to a particular mattress size but that doesn't mean that when your visiting family you get to decide what furniture they have in their house. They want a king size bed but their kids can only fit a queen the in-laws can either just suck it up or go to a local hotel. I mean it's not like they're going from a king to a twin so a queen size is just fine & MIL is just using FIL's size to try to make them basically make a bedroom for them when they visit instead of letting them decide what to do with their own house
Another part of the reason that weddings are so big in Asian communities is because the bride's parents pay for the full wedding so obviously they invite their guests
I am not from that culture but I have a close friend who is and I used to sit in her parents’ living room sometimes waiting for her while her mom and auntie were watching a series. Even without understanding the language I got invested!! 😂 The music and the facial expressions are enough to get into the drama. It is a good memory 😊
My 2 cents to add to the last story about the bed is that the bigger the bed, the more expensive the bed linen is 🙃 if MIL and hubby are willing to buy the bed, the linens and change the damn things every time they stay, I'd be less annoyed about it 😂
I am currently breastfeeding and I say things about my baby loving the boob and things all the time when she cries if I am not around or if I don’t get her when I come back or calms the second I pick her up because I think it is hard for my partner who is bio-mom to our other three kids and breastfed them because she was clearly the favorite most needed parent for their early lives but isn’t for our baby which is a hard shift for her. I think the mil in the story was probably the favorite person of her babies in her time and isn’t able to appropriately deal with her not being that important in the grandchild’s life so is trying to minimize it.
I used to be in a throuple and we would all sleep in my queen size bed. Hell, we even slept in a full size bed (that sucked though 😂) A queen is plenty big enough for a guest room
About the boob one - in Firefly, I think it was in episode 12 "The message", River tells Simon "You're such a boob". This is your annual reminder to watch Firefly if you haven't yet.
I admire the way you always talk about communication and have the sense to take pause in a situation before having a gut reaction. As a fiery person who struggles with not just reacting and actually communicating, I love listening to your insight on these posts. Especially ones where the OP is triggered in a situation I would also be triggered in. It plants the insight there so if it happens for real, I will likely recall your advice and be able to take pause. Thank you!!! Appreciate the kind and caring person that you are.
"Sure, MIL, you can buy us a King bed, for OUR bedroom." I have parents that are both larger width ways and they have expressed difficulty with even a Queen (they both have CPAP machines they have to sleep with as well, so tubes and equipment take up room). I have on a rare occasion when they were visiting and could not get other arrangements, let them take my King bed and me sleep on the large futon and my husband slept on the couch (I prefer the futon over the couch). I'm not making my parents as guests in my home sleep on a couch or floor.
15:02 I know this one! It's because "milk cow" is one of several types of cow. They're usually called dairy cows, so maybe that's why it's sounds weird 🤷🏼♀️
I laughed at the boob one. It's kind of a meme in new mom forums. There's this intense hatred for that kind of thing among extremely online moms but it's not seen as a big deal irl. You are kinda missing something just because you're not in the circles where that's a meme. Unfortunately mils aren't usually in those circles either and so they accidentally end up offending people without knowing
For the last one, I really don't see the issue with them buying a king for OP's guest room and keeping it there for 3 years (if it fits). The real issue is that they definitely plan on visiting more than OP thinks they do! 💀
I have some thoughts on the 'husband or MIL' post that I don't think have been mentioned in the video? One thing is that maybe the husband actually did understand that OP was having a good day and thought that this was thus a good opportunity to talk about his mother, hoping that OP was relaxed enough to be receptive to the conversation and that a good day would help the conversation go well. Another thought that I had, which was kind of mentioned, is that OP might want to consider getting professional help? She clearly went through a lot (leading up to the near-miscarriage), so maybe OP also has some things that she should work through. Possibly, MIL also said and/or did things that were triggering to OP and that weren't mentioned in the post (since the focus was very much on the husband) and it might be good if OP worked through those possible triggers. That having been said, I completely agree with you, Shaaba, regarding everything you said about the husband. There are clearly some conversations that need to be had and possibly very hard decisions that need to be made regarding the future
Also, I’m reading a great book (so far) called Listen for the Lie. And she’s describing the size of the house. Oh yeah it’s like 200 meters squared. Wtf does that mean? I cannot convert it in my head lmao I can sort of see weight in people, but that’s hard, too. So, glad I’m not alone in that lol
About the boob story: I'm currently still breastfeeding and sometimes I feel like "the boob". Maybe the problem is more in her mind and in the perception of herself then what mil says. The day my son gave me a Kiss for the first time, I cried because I felt to be more then just a boob for him
Husband versus MIL problem - something that hasn't been mentioned is that his relationship with his mother is suffering because she's not around and they can't hang out.
I mean, he is a grown man who probably can drive. He can go visit his mom without OP. If she is such a horror that OP miscarried I think there is probably no saving this.
On the mattress one, my suggestion would be to say: we'll get you a king sized air mattress that you can use in the living room then, because it won't fit in that room. If they protest at that then you know it's not about the mattress size at all.
Re king beds: My husband and I were fine in a queen size bed until I hit menopause. He radiates a lot of heat at night and whenever I would get even slightly too warm I would have a hot flash and break out in a sweat. Getting a king size bed allowed me to put a bit more space between us so I could stay a little cooler at night.
I know that my family is generally tall and stocky, so we tend to weigh more than what others expect. That gent doesn't sound that big. My younger brother is 6'5" 360lbs. I think that guy is similar to by BIL, so a 6'6" guy and my sister is 5'10", they have a small house and sleep in a queen with up to 2 dogs and 2 cats joining in. (1 dog is small, the other is a pit mix, so a bigger side of medium)
My partner is very tall and a little on the larger side and I'm pretty small. I have a small double in my house because British flats are tiny xD I genuinely just don't fit when they visit. I always hang off the bed and they can't help it, they're a front sleeper and toss and turn a lot. It's even worse in summer when space is needed to keep cool. We've slept in standard doubles that have the same problem and even queens can be a struggle. I can fully understand wanting that extra space IN YOUR OWN HOME but in a guest room at someone elses house that you're only going to visit a few times a year? Honestly ridiculous. My partner and I cope with the small double even in my own flat haha.
re: king size bed... get two twin-sized frames and use large c-clamps to bolt them together, then put king-size linens on it. That way you have a king-size guest bed for them for now, and then you have twin beds for kids later.
my partner and i are relatively average sized; they’re a lil smaller at 5’7” and around 110lbs (so petite and slim). i’m bigger boned and chunky at 5’7” and 220lbs, and we share a twin sized bed. it works ‘cause we do like to cuddle or be back to back, and i do tend to stick a leg out of the bed to cool off. plus it’s up against a wall, so no chance of them falling off!
I’m 6’5” and have a full size bed, it’s definitely too short, I have to lay diagonally to fit. But a queen is great, I’ve had those at hotels. And they’re plenty wide enough to have a wife beside me (if there was one to put there). In fact, it’s probably wide enough for 3 people. So demanding a king is insane, especially at someone else’s house
My husband is 6'2" and our master bedroom is only a queen (And it's crowded with that!). Dad's size is just an excuse to have the size of bed they're used to at home. Absolutely do not give in to their demands.
hi, noticed the volume of your videos changes a lot between each one, not a big issue dw too much but it is an easy one to fix, if you normalise the audio from them to the same thing every time while editing (using any audio editor, audacity is a good free one) it will always be around the same volume, will also mean if you step away from the mic or move closer to it there wont be a big change in volume, just like one button click and makes a big difference
Honestly, for the first story, take the money and immediately say, "Ooooo this is going straight into the X fund" x being anything you can think of on the spot. honeymoon, baby, college, down payment, boob job. seriously, anything (seeing what her reaction is to that last one would be a veeeeeeeery good indication if mil really was going to give the money in good faith) watch how she tries to backpedal or say she thought it would go to the wedding, where you can say, "while we are a bit tight for money, we're trying to stick to our original budget, so this would be a great way to get ahead for after the wedding."
On the boob story. I could understand if MIL said it maybe like once or twice in a joking kind of manner & then stopped especially if OP let her know it or she can she that it is making her uncomfortable it would be okay. That being said her constantly making comments about DIL boobs & making her feel like she being reduced down to only being a food source for her baby rather than the mom/primary care giver is not okay. I don't think it's out of malicious though & hopefully they can sit down & talk about it
Not mil but my own mother. She had a difficult birth and failed at nursing me. Didn't attempt with my brother and sister. She was demeaning of my breastfeeding my babies. It's so animal etc. I'm sorry she had a bad time but didn't feel the need to base my baby's nutrition on some demand for solidarity with her. I was glad she lived a long way away.
Im thinking that the king bed is actually a California king, since the husband's height was brought up. The California king mattresses are a ft wider & 4 in longer.
For the second story, I think that's the husband trying to bring up a difficult subject when you're in a good mood and less likely cut it down upfront, or even escalate the situation, may be due his upbringing.
My parents have slept on inflatable mattresses, waferthin sofa beds, a cheap double from amazon and a really lush king size (depending where we lived)- dad is 6'2" and mum is plus-size with an old back injury that makes her stiff- if they really wanna stay, they'll make it work
Pausing at 5:36 to say: take the money. Put it in a separate account, perhaps a savings account. The ✨second✨ she says anything (well, I PaId YoU tHe FiVe ThOuSaNd) give the money back to her and say, “I knew I couldn’t trust you.” (And her being religious, extra points for the LYING you just proved).
Lol my husband is about the same size as me (5'8 170ish lbs) and we have a king because he sleeps like a starfish. On our queen I would often end up pushed to the last foot of the side of the bed. At least I still have a little room on the king.
I think if that last one really wanted to accomodate the dad’s height, they would be wanting a california king on a regular king. The california king has I think and extra foot of length as well as the added width. Either way though, they don’t get to dictate what thier kids have in their own house.
My husband and I are both tall and on the larger side so we sleep on a king at home but we can tolerate a queen when visiting elsewhere. We're not used to it anymore but it's not our house so we never make a big deal of it. Years ago we slept in a queen and before that a double and honestly we were so squished together and idk how we did it.😂
My ex mother in law made me feel like crap because I hadn't been making my (now ex) husband's lunch box before work every day. He hadn't asked me to do that before, but after she berated me for not doing it, he started asking me to. I started doing it, but felt resentful for being guilted into it. She also called my matron of honor "scuzzy" because she had tattoo's and piercings. I know that's not quite as bad as some other MILs, but I don't miss her. My ex and I divorced in 2015 and I don't miss any of his family. They're all complete bigots.
I can see how the MIL making remarks about the baby wanting/liking being near “mum’s boob” would feel inappropriate and alienating. If it were me, I’d never want literally anyone to refer to my chest like that-I feel like if you wouldn’t do it to someone who isn’t a parent/breastfeeding/whatever, you shouldn’t do it to anyone. There’s also the cultural sting of people losing their individual personhood and humanity as soon as they give birth to a baby. If MIL has a history of not viewing OP as a full person and instead as a vessel for grandchildren, then MIL continuing to needle and refer to OP only in relation to her child-caring-abilities(?) would be frankly disrespectful and dehumanizing.
Being reduced to the utility of my boobs would genuinely have been enough for me to reduce contact with a MIL.
Society tends to take women’s sense of self when they become mothers. I was a person, I had a successful career, I was going to college, I had interesting hobbies, but everyone just called me “mom.” Any gifts I received were related to motherhood and conversation was all about the babies. I resented it. Nobody cared that I was still a person independent of being a mother. It was isolating and nearly impossible to maintain any sense of self.
To further reduce motherhood to breasts would push me over the edge. I’m not just boobs, I’m not just mom, I’m a person! Now that my kids are teens/young adults, I’m glad I tried so hard to continue being myself and growing as a person after they were born. I think I’ve been a better mom because I’ve fought to have an identity outside of parenthood.
My partner is 6 foot 7 inches and 305lbs (138kg)…. We share a double bed (full size for Americans). Its squished but demanding a King size in someone else’s home is not acceptable.
That sounds truly hellish. I'm sorry
@@Paigewe It is not has hellish as it sounds! luckily we both like to be near each other but as a starfish sleeper I do miss the kind we used to have in an old flat lol.
@@kylieseidner6024 my partner is 6 foot 1 and I'm 5 foot 9. When we try and sleep in a full bed I fall off 😂! He moves a lot and starfishes and I like to curl up. When we laid side by side in a full bed last time I think we each had a few inches on either side. I'm glad you guys make it work though!
@@Paigewe we definitely only have inches to spare on each side! I’m not as tall as you as I’m 5’7” and I would prefer to starfish and I’m the one moving a lot haha. I’m not sure how my man deals with it 😂 we have found that we can’t face each other to sleep sinxe his knees then jab me so it’s all about the coordinated spooning essentially haha. Unfortunately it’s a struggle during warmer months (no AC) but we aren’t in a position to get a bigger bed.
Both me and my hubby are bigger than this in weight and my hubby is about this height and we are very comfortable on a queen.
20:24 I know the feeling of a day ruined by someone bringing up a topic they Know will start a fight, disregard your feelings, not drop the topic, and will only except you totally changing to a different person and being a door mat as a solution
Yup, I thought about that too. There is a difference between unspoken/unreasonable expectations and what OP wants here. She wants a nice day without a fight. You can't have a happy relationship when one partner wants to always come in swinging or can't go a whole day without yelling at you.
Love what Shaaba said about the perfect day. It’s the idea of not letting a bad moment ruin the whole day.
Shaaba was on fire with her advice today.
I was flabbergasted when my mother in law thought I was going to let her put a bunch of her friends on the guest list. We weren't even inviting non-close family (literally my parents, his parents, and his brother's family). I decided to compromise by letting our parents each bring a guest (my mom brought her sister, which I think made them both happy, even though I firmly needed to tell my aunt her ex con boyfriend I never met couldn't come). My brother and grandparents ended up not coming (my grandfather sadly passed away a few months before), so I gave my mother in law a few extra invites since we were falling below the minimum we paid for. She basically got to just have her own little table of people in the end, which is fine. I'm still glad I set boundary though.
The 3rd story... I read it as MIL caused so much stress, OP lost her baby... And the unresolved issues surround that! And I get it... What a weird reaction from the husband to defend the MIL who aided in losing a pregnancy... Nope... Not ok at all
Yeah, I feel like that part wasn't really read properly. OP lost a baby over this. The husband's behavior is so far out of line it isn't even funny. It's honestly abusive. He can't go a day without throwing his mom in her face and after what Op lost I can't blame her for longing for just one day where she can just be happy without a fight.
I think Shaaba misread it. She actually corrected herself to say "nearly lost the baby"
But op did lose the baby, whether it was solely caused by mil-related stress or not, and wanting distance from mil after a trauma like that is so understandable
And op wanting a "perfect day" I think is also being misread. She says that her relationship with her husband is rough right now and her "perfect day" seems to be just One Day where they don't have a fight over mil. And what does husband do? He mentions his mother in the car on the way home. She doesn't want "no one to say anything she disagrees with", she just wants to have 24 hours where she doesn't have a screaming match with her husband
Mom and I have quite recently had a more "adult" discussion on extended family, aka me explaining why we feel so differently around those relationships. Mom used to often say stuff like "[extended family member(s)] says hi!/misses you/are wondering when you'll come to our next family gathering etc." As some quick backstory; I'm coming up on 5yrs since I saw or spoke to any of them, and around 8yrs since I fell chronically ill (pain + fatigue). I explained to mom that I personally don't have a relationship with them and even tho they keep on asking about me, that doesn't mean that they're interested in *me*. I mean, ofc they ask about me, because i'm my mom's kid. I too ask my friends about their kids, but that doesn't mean that I'm interested in the kid themself, but that i'm interested in my friend and their life. My extended family members have *never* reached out to me personally, to ask me about all this stuff they ask via my mom, which just reinforces my point. I'm 30 btw. Also, it's always "when are you coming to see us?" and never "can we come and see you?". Our relationship is solely based around them and their conditions. My mom asked me if I didn't even wanna catch up with my younger cousins and honestly, even back when I did force myself to go to the gatherings, it's been many years since I could play around with them and the only person I genuinely interacted with was my sister. When she moved away, I had no one to hang out with. I would simply sit in a corner and suffer, whilst some random family member happened to walk past and try to strike up a conversation, which i couldn't hear due to the overwhelming environment and they'd quickly get bored of me or be uncomfortable because I wasn't "feeling better yet". Basically, if I wanna hang out with my sister, there are far better environments for both of us to do so. If my extended family genuinely were interested in having a relationship with me, they'd get in contact with me, without middle hands.
Anyway, I guess this is a long winded way of me to say that just because an extended family member is "invested" in your life, doesn't mean that you actually have a relationship with them.
My Mom called herself "Mommy the milk machine" at a certain point in my development. I don't think the boob thing is malicious but if she doesn't like she needs to make that clear to her MIL.
I would say no assholes here imo
As someone with friends who are breastfeeding currently, I feel like OP in the boob story is potentially projecting her own feelings onto her MIL’s comments. My friends have expressed to me countless times how exhausted they feel breastfeeding 24/7, and how it feels like their babies only see them as a food source. It has been really disheartening to one friend in particular when his baby smiles at his daddy or friends, but with dad, he only cares about breastfeeding. I bet that OP is having these types of feelings, and so MIL’s comments are verbalizing OP’s worst fear. That fear being that her only value in life now is as a food source for her baby, and thus her individual personhood means nothing. She definitely needs to have a talk with MIL, but before that, she should probably consider where the true source of her feelings is coming from
I do agree that this could be the case, especially with how breastfeeding is sometimes seen - and pushed - as the Right Way. I have 2 friends especially who had a hard time with breastfeeding but were feeling really guilty that this made them bad mothers and somehow incapable. Being a new mom is already hard and breastfeeding can also be a challenging for a multitude of reasons, so it is perfectly normal to have a lot of feelings.
But that doesn’t mean others are trying to hurt us. The way we feel about something is not always the way others are intending to make us feel. The story is really short so it is hard to know what MIL’s intentions are of if she means anything bad with it. Maybe she doesn’t even know OP is upset and she would be very willing to be supportive and helpful, not only by not making those comments anymore but also being supportive in others ways if OP is tired, overwhelmed or just could use extra help.
I hope OP can express to MIL how those comments make her feel and it can be a way to get to know each other better.
I've certainly felt that way with my kids.
Not gonna lie, I had erased any possible use of carafes (?) like that save for propagating plants like avocados and potatoes. Blew my mind to realise not only could you *serve* drinks from it, you could straight up drink from it lol. Totally unrelated to plants! I think every container in my home is fated to be used for plants at this point.
I'm the same way lol. Everything in my house will be used for propagating something eventually.
Completely understandable tbh! 🪴 🌱
The one with the 'calling me a boob' thing I can sort of understand depending on OP's relationship with MIL. In my family, while we're all mostly comfortable around each other, referring repetitively to each other's breasts (even in the context of breastfeeding) would feel pretty uncomfortable and unnatural, especially if the tone seemed demeaning or disrespectful, which the post doesn't specify. I think more context would be needed for it to be clear whether or not the MIL's comments had malicious intent and also it really just depends on what OP is comfortable with.
love your vids btw !!
I agree. My best friend breastfed her three kids and the latter two have been less than fond of bottles (last one is 6 months, we're still hoping she'll be persuated 😅). This isn't optimal but at least with her closest she deals with it using humor. So we often joke about her being a boob. But this is always coming from her first and she is generally the one most comfortable with talking about it!
It's a case of reading the situation and the person rather than the exact language used. It doesn't take a lot of social skills to know the difference!
My partner and I are both on the bigger side and the extra 16 inches in a king sized bed does feel luxurious when we rent a room with one, so to me it does make a difference. If mil and fil are used to sleeping on a king bed at home it does feel uncomfortable to sleep on a smaller bed when traveling, but you still don't get to dictate the furniture other people have in their homes.
We also really feel the difference after we bought a new bed. My parents have a very soft, cheap queen sized bed in their little guest room and it's hard when you're used to the space. But I honestly love that because it just makes sleeping in our own spacious bed after a visit so much sweeter 😊
The fourth pink was from your soul
Accepting money from people like 1st story MIL is just asking for trouble.
Any time they tell you it's "no strings attached", that means there are _absolutely strings attached._ They're the kind of people who you literally have to ask for everything in writing because otherwise they'll just try to gaslight you, they cannot be trusted to give gifts simply for the sake of generosity.
Yep, unless someone has PROVEN in the past that there really are no strings attached, it has all the vibes of "What could possibly go wrong?" If someone hasn't given you reasons to trust them with the small things, they're not worth trusting for the big things.
Not to mention, who on earth are those people she wants to invite?! At best, it's an awkward situation, and in all likelihood you'll just get stressed out thinking about them and your MIL and whether or not you made a mistake.
Feels like my own mom and I keep seeing some of her not so nice traits in these MIL stories.
On the king bed, if in-laws are rich, they can get a hotel room with the bed size they want.
Shaaba feels like a cool older sister chatting late at night when we were supposed to go to bed hours ago, it's such a good vibe
For the last story, I was getting vibes that the in-laws were trying to imply that not only would they be visiting often, but for longer stretches of time, and therefore needed more than just a guest room. Also in the US there is what's called a "California King" which is the same width as a queen but longer. Thats what they're looking for lol
I think the discussion about communication in the 3rd story is so good.. a very good realistic take esp about the perfect day thing
For the first one, I have a grandmother that would absolutely use her money to guilt trip other people. She did this to everyone for YEARS, and she would never let it go. No gift was just a gift, there was always strings attached. I have a bad feeling about this MIL.
Whenever someone makes an extravagant offer with "no strings attached", get that shit in writing! If they balk, guess someone was talking out their ass, and you have no reason to accept. This is why we have contracts, so someone can't run roughshod over others just because they "gave" them something.
I can't say I blame the op for wanting a "perfect day" I get the feeling they just want to be able to enjoy a day with her husband without them starting a fight by mentioning his mother. Honestly it sounds like he isn't happy that his mom and Op don't get along but op doesn't want a relationship with his mom. Neither side is budging on the issue (and if the hubby knows his mother stressing op out caused the huge problem) they should probably just break up.
He knows she has a firm boundary of not wanting a relationship with his mom. He can't stand it and so pesters her about it. It is like knowing that at any moment your partner will bring up a harsh topic that you made clear makes you uncomfortable or upset. It's a husband problem. 100%
20:04 I feel kinda bad for commenting again but I'd also say that, as someone who has experienced quite a few not-so-great relationships in the past, I'm always wary about bringing up negative topics in an already negative environment.
In my head, if someone is having a bad day and potentially not thinking clearly because they're stressed or frustrated, if I tell them something negative, I'm often scared they will yell at me or hurt me or whatever.
I don't know if the husband in this context would have a similar fear, but if so, it could explain why he chose to bring up negative topics on what seemed like a 'Perfect Day'. He might just not want to worsen an already negative environment, or potentially just hoped that they wouldn't argue or fight if they were having a good day previously.
I totally see that!
It makes so much sense cause I grew up with an explosive reacting father… if we wanted something from him (mostly a sleepover with friends) we had to figure out when to ask him to get a positive reaction of him… not even him saying yes, but to not explode on us…
I think fostering an environment where you have more 'perfect' days is so important though. Like sometimes, some things just don't need to be said. If I'm having the first good day in a long time with my spouse, that is not the day to bring anything that we are fighting over up. Let the good day be a good day. As you have more good days, you could be like "I understand why you don't talk to my mom, but seeing other people's relations with their mother in laws makes me sad that we have to miss out on that".
@@Paigewe That makes total sense and I understand that! I just wanted to offer my perspective as a potential addition to the situation, but I definitely see where you're coming from. It's nice to have positive days without unnecessary arguments and such.
I don't think anyone would mind that you're commenting again! More engagement on the video is a good thing!
Something that has always confused me... My grandparents have a spare room with a king size bed in it which I've always thought was weird because they sleep on a double
I bought a larger bed in order to make space for the cat (or let's be honest, for me to sleep around the cat). If it weren't for him though, as just one person, I'd still be perfectly comfortable sleeping in a twin bed. I can't even imagine how much space a king size bed is
I had to comment because it reminded me when I went from a twin size bed to a full size bed and I had 2 cats. When I got my first apartment, I couldn't afford a new bed so I brought my childhood bed with me. When I finally had to get a new bed and I decided to upgrade to a full. When I got my new full size bed, I thought I would have more room. But I was wrong, the cats only spread out even more and I never ended up with more room. It didn't bother me because they loved me and wanted to be near me.
Regarding the boob story. This is 100% Just NO MIL! There is such a long history of society treating women as only existing for men's pleasure and baby's convenience, that the very idea of dismissing her personhood like that is terrible on every level. It would be bad enough if it was a close friend or her close family member saying it in a *joking* way, or if she had made the joke once (i.e. feeling like 'just a boob' when the baby was being needy) and someone else thought it was acceptable to repeat, but the HUSBANDs parent (hello patriarchy, our old enemy) *constantly* referring to the mother's relationship with her child as being about her breastfeeding ability?! She is not a tool, her entire significance relegated to the body part which feeds their grandchild. Nope, entirely too gross and demeaning.
I honestly understand why that mother is so uncomfortable with MIL reducing her relationship with her child to ability to breastfeed. What if breastfeeding is hard and painful for her, what if she just hates it? Being a mother is so much more than breastfeeding, and a baby preferring their mother over their grandmother is natural, and not something the mother-in-law should need to rationalize, unless she has serious boundery issues, or somehow thinks the child belongs to her.
My husband is 6'5" and my dad is 6'7". For decades, my parents had a queen bed, no problems. Husband and I in a queen - problems. I am a light sleeper who doesn't move during sleep. Husband is a DEEP sleeper who thrashes around in his sleep, and talks sometimes too. I all capped deep, because I struggle to wake him to get him to stop. We maintain separate bedrooms for sleep hygiene, but when we need to use his bedroom as a guest room, we can manage in my king-sized bed. As for the OP, I say just level with them. Sure, you can buy a king. But we are planning for another child, and when that happens, the king bed is going to have to go. If they can't share a queen, investing in two twin beds (confusingly for my non-North Americans, a twin fits one person) might be a shout.
The bed in laws should just use that bed money to pay for a hotel on their visits if they need a larger bed!
Your comment about moving into the space and getting a feel for it first is something Ive always done. Back in the day, when my husband was in the service, we waited a year to get on post housing. When we finally got the house, I was pregnant with kid#3, had a newborn, and a 9 year old. The house was four bedrooms: bedrooms were all on the second floor, and kitchen, living room, dining, laundry, and den were all downstairs. Ultimately we decided to use the DEN as our master bedroom rather than using one of the very big rooms upstairs. Mainly because it was close to the kitchen and general living spaces, because that particular room had a huge bay window that allowed a lot of light in, and I felt safer sleeping on the ground floor being pregnant. My biggest fear was falling down the stairs...and it actually happened when I was 8 months pregnant. I just happened to be carrying my then one year old at the time. Thankfully I managed to land on my butt, but that was the last time the two youngest slept on the 2nd floor for nearly 4 years.
About the MIL saying "the baby wants you because of your boobs" or "He is quiet because he can smell your boobs", I actually take issue with that myself. Like yes she's not directly calling the girl a boob and yes mom's provide the milk so someone MIGHT be coming from a "moms are the babies main provider" mentality... But that's like giving the MIL a lot of credit and assuming she's naive and wholesome, when there is a high chance she isn't coming from that angle. To me "he's quiet because he can smell your boobs" sounds more like something a straight conservative person would put on a toddler t-shirt. Like all those "I'm a boob man" shirts for 1 year old boys. Highly inappropriate and would make me feel uncomfortable too. I do agree that she needs to have a conversation with MIL to express this if she hasn't. But yeah, I'd take issue with my MIL constantly saying that too.
"You can't just take a bed home"... I got so confused... I just buy all parts go home start the building process...
13 minutes! Not right on time but still kinda early! Also just wanted to say that you’re videos help me so much, always bring a smile to my face and just make my days better, thank you for everything you do for us 💗💗
My first thought at the bed one is that the in laws are planning to move in at some point. Like maybe when they retire or something. They might not even be sneaky, they just assuming
The lead time on furniture/mattresses may depend on where you are. I'm in the US and you absolutely can just go pick one up at the store the same day, unless it's custom made or something. If I order online it usually takes a couple weeks to arrive. High end furnishings might be different but that's been my experience.
30:54 In the USA large furniture doesn't necessarily have a big lead time. I've bought a queen bed and had it loaded up in my Dad's truck 15 minutes after paying. And when I bought a large sectional couch it was delivered the next day. But the fact that having it there in 3 weeks or less may well be practical doesn't make it right for them to decide the furnishings that go in someone else's home.
That “whoo” is so addicting. I wish i could make a looping gif with the sound.
Normalize different sleeping arrangements for couples. You can have a perfectly healthy relationship and sleep in different rooms.
For that first story I’m hoping they didn’t take the money. I also hope OP goes very low contact with MIL because I can’t see it getting better
I'm a big person, and my spouse and I sleep on separate sides of the bed (our old bed had a raised ridge down the middle, lol), and a queen is a big squish for us. That space can be a surprising amount. My mother bought a king size bed for her guest room when she moved to a different city so we could sleep comfortably when we visited. But the key difference is that it was her house and she was happy to spend her money that way for us. We did not demand that, we did not expect that, and we certainly did not make ultimatums. Having said that - it makes our visits much more comfortable, and I'm very grateful. Again though - she did that so we could comfortably visit for longer times, often for the year, because that was what SHE wanted to do in HER house.
2:04 admittedly the only Asian wedding I’ve ever been to was a Catholic one in Singapore and the only people I knew were the bride, groom, his parents and the groom’s brother (my partner) though partner’s dad being attempted to be speedy dressed in a sari was hilarious, he just stood there completely nonplused .
Oh my gosh I had a very similar thing to the first one! My MIL tried to justify it by saying that the family friends “always ask” about My now husband when they chat on the phone, as though that’s not a normal part of polite conversation 😅
In regards to the wedding, I had some people who I really didn't at my wedding. I had friends who knew this and asked for pictures. They were my "security" for my wedding, which let me not worry. It's always nice to have backup!
The last one just make me think the in-laws are being entitled about the whole bed situation. Like it's not their house but they're trying to pressure their kids to letting them have a bigger bed vs not only what can reasonably fit in the room but also going against what the people who own the house want. I get if someone has a preference to a particular mattress size but that doesn't mean that when your visiting family you get to decide what furniture they have in their house. They want a king size bed but their kids can only fit a queen the in-laws can either just suck it up or go to a local hotel. I mean it's not like they're going from a king to a twin so a queen size is just fine & MIL is just using FIL's size to try to make them basically make a bedroom for them when they visit instead of letting them decide what to do with their own house
Another part of the reason that weddings are so big in Asian communities is because the bride's parents pay for the full wedding so obviously they invite their guests
This particular forum makes me so glad I'm Aro/Ace, ngl. 🤣
The number and shapes thing I feel so hard! I'm exactly the same 😂😂
You can buy a king bed that splits into two single beds; perfect! Works for now, works for future additional children.
Four months for a bed delivery?? That's bananas, woah. California's a bit different.
Anytime MIL is mentioned, I’m reminded of Indian TV Serials. No one does it like them 😂
I am not from that culture but I have a close friend who is and I used to sit in her parents’ living room sometimes waiting for her while her mom and auntie were watching a series. Even without understanding the language I got invested!! 😂 The music and the facial expressions are enough to get into the drama. It is a good memory 😊
My 2 cents to add to the last story about the bed is that the bigger the bed, the more expensive the bed linen is 🙃 if MIL and hubby are willing to buy the bed, the linens and change the damn things every time they stay, I'd be less annoyed about it 😂
Literally stirring my tea as you said it 😂 fyi my MiL was lovely, sadly been gone 3 years, so I'm just here for other people's drama 😁
On the MIL relationship one, she may have just considered a “perfect day” as one where they dont argue, not necessarily specifically about MIL.
I am currently breastfeeding and I say things about my baby loving the boob and things all the time when she cries if I am not around or if I don’t get her when I come back or calms the second I pick her up because I think it is hard for my partner who is bio-mom to our other three kids and breastfed them because she was clearly the favorite most needed parent for their early lives but isn’t for our baby which is a hard shift for her. I think the mil in the story was probably the favorite person of her babies in her time and isn’t able to appropriately deal with her not being that important in the grandchild’s life so is trying to minimize it.
I used to be in a throuple and we would all sleep in my queen size bed. Hell, we even slept in a full size bed (that sucked though 😂) A queen is plenty big enough for a guest room
I love this series!
About the boob one - in Firefly, I think it was in episode 12 "The message", River tells Simon "You're such a boob". This is your annual reminder to watch Firefly if you haven't yet.
I admire the way you always talk about communication and have the sense to take pause in a situation before having a gut reaction. As a fiery person who struggles with not just reacting and actually communicating, I love listening to your insight on these posts. Especially ones where the OP is triggered in a situation I would also be triggered in. It plants the insight there so if it happens for real, I will likely recall your advice and be able to take pause. Thank you!!! Appreciate the kind and caring person that you are.
"Sure, MIL, you can buy us a King bed, for OUR bedroom." I have parents that are both larger width ways and they have expressed difficulty with even a Queen (they both have CPAP machines they have to sleep with as well, so tubes and equipment take up room). I have on a rare occasion when they were visiting and could not get other arrangements, let them take my King bed and me sleep on the large futon and my husband slept on the couch (I prefer the futon over the couch). I'm not making my parents as guests in my home sleep on a couch or floor.
Love ur thoughtfullness and nuance shaaba !❤
_"PINK ON PINK ON PINK!"_ 🤗🍓💗
OMG Thank you for the heart, Shaaba!! Been watching you and Jamie for years, first time being noticed! 💙🌈
Have a wonderful day ^-^// 🌼
Idk why, but the boob story really reminds me of german/Scandinavian mom energy lol (at least what I have seen with comedians and media)
15:02 I know this one! It's because "milk cow" is one of several types of cow.
They're usually called dairy cows, so maybe that's why it's sounds weird 🤷🏼♀️
I laughed at the boob one. It's kind of a meme in new mom forums. There's this intense hatred for that kind of thing among extremely online moms but it's not seen as a big deal irl. You are kinda missing something just because you're not in the circles where that's a meme. Unfortunately mils aren't usually in those circles either and so they accidentally end up offending people without knowing
16:52 "Whatever those boundaries may boob." 😂😂
For the last one, I really don't see the issue with them buying a king for OP's guest room and keeping it there for 3 years (if it fits). The real issue is that they definitely plan on visiting more than OP thinks they do! 💀
We bought a bed and took it home with us. Having our couches delivered was same day.
I have some thoughts on the 'husband or MIL' post that I don't think have been mentioned in the video? One thing is that maybe the husband actually did understand that OP was having a good day and thought that this was thus a good opportunity to talk about his mother, hoping that OP was relaxed enough to be receptive to the conversation and that a good day would help the conversation go well.
Another thought that I had, which was kind of mentioned, is that OP might want to consider getting professional help? She clearly went through a lot (leading up to the near-miscarriage), so maybe OP also has some things that she should work through. Possibly, MIL also said and/or did things that were triggering to OP and that weren't mentioned in the post (since the focus was very much on the husband) and it might be good if OP worked through those possible triggers.
That having been said, I completely agree with you, Shaaba, regarding everything you said about the husband. There are clearly some conversations that need to be had and possibly very hard decisions that need to be made regarding the future
Also, I’m reading a great book (so far) called Listen for the Lie. And she’s describing the size of the house. Oh yeah it’s like 200 meters squared. Wtf does that mean? I cannot convert it in my head lmao
I can sort of see weight in people, but that’s hard, too. So, glad I’m not alone in that lol
Whereas my partner and I live with his parents and we all get along great, and it means we get to see our nieces frequently.
About the boob story: I'm currently still breastfeeding and sometimes I feel like "the boob". Maybe the problem is more in her mind and in the perception of herself then what mil says. The day my son gave me a Kiss for the first time, I cried because I felt to be more then just a boob for him
Husband versus MIL problem - something that hasn't been mentioned is that his relationship with his mother is suffering because she's not around and they can't hang out.
I mean, he is a grown man who probably can drive. He can go visit his mom without OP. If she is such a horror that OP miscarried I think there is probably no saving this.
On the mattress one, my suggestion would be to say: we'll get you a king sized air mattress that you can use in the living room then, because it won't fit in that room. If they protest at that then you know it's not about the mattress size at all.
Re king beds: My husband and I were fine in a queen size bed until I hit menopause. He radiates a lot of heat at night and whenever I would get even slightly too warm I would have a hot flash and break out in a sweat. Getting a king size bed allowed me to put a bit more space between us so I could stay a little cooler at night.
I know that my family is generally tall and stocky, so we tend to weigh more than what others expect. That gent doesn't sound that big. My younger brother is 6'5" 360lbs. I think that guy is similar to by BIL, so a 6'6" guy and my sister is 5'10", they have a small house and sleep in a queen with up to 2 dogs and 2 cats joining in. (1 dog is small, the other is a pit mix, so a bigger side of medium)
Gotta say, I upgraded from a double to a queen bed solely because my big dog likes to sleep with me in the winter. It definitely made a difference! 😂
Sooo much of the MiL forum is people who have been hurt projecting that damage onto the posts with little to no context.
My partner is very tall and a little on the larger side and I'm pretty small. I have a small double in my house because British flats are tiny xD I genuinely just don't fit when they visit. I always hang off the bed and they can't help it, they're a front sleeper and toss and turn a lot. It's even worse in summer when space is needed to keep cool. We've slept in standard doubles that have the same problem and even queens can be a struggle. I can fully understand wanting that extra space IN YOUR OWN HOME but in a guest room at someone elses house that you're only going to visit a few times a year? Honestly ridiculous. My partner and I cope with the small double even in my own flat haha.
re: king size bed...
get two twin-sized frames and use large c-clamps to bolt them together, then put king-size linens on it.
That way you have a king-size guest bed for them for now, and then you have twin beds for kids later.
my partner and i are relatively average sized; they’re a lil smaller at 5’7” and around 110lbs (so petite and slim). i’m bigger boned and chunky at 5’7” and 220lbs, and we share a twin sized bed. it works ‘cause we do like to cuddle or be back to back, and i do tend to stick a leg out of the bed to cool off. plus it’s up against a wall, so no chance of them falling off!
This is your regular reminder that you're all awesome, beautiful and valid little peaches, just the way you are ❤🧡💛💚💙💜Love you all ❤🧡💛💚💙💜
I’m 6’5” and have a full size bed, it’s definitely too short, I have to lay diagonally to fit. But a queen is great, I’ve had those at hotels. And they’re plenty wide enough to have a wife beside me (if there was one to put there). In fact, it’s probably wide enough for 3 people. So demanding a king is insane, especially at someone else’s house
My husband is 6'2" and our master bedroom is only a queen (And it's crowded with that!). Dad's size is just an excuse to have the size of bed they're used to at home. Absolutely do not give in to their demands.
hi, noticed the volume of your videos changes a lot between each one, not a big issue dw too much but it is an easy one to fix, if you normalise the audio from them to the same thing every time while editing (using any audio editor, audacity is a good free one) it will always be around the same volume, will also mean if you step away from the mic or move closer to it there wont be a big change in volume, just like one button click and makes a big difference
Honestly, for the first story, take the money and immediately say, "Ooooo this is going straight into the X fund" x being anything you can think of on the spot. honeymoon, baby, college, down payment, boob job. seriously, anything (seeing what her reaction is to that last one would be a veeeeeeeery good indication if mil really was going to give the money in good faith) watch how she tries to backpedal or say she thought it would go to the wedding, where you can say, "while we are a bit tight for money, we're trying to stick to our original budget, so this would be a great way to get ahead for after the wedding."
On the boob story. I could understand if MIL said it maybe like once or twice in a joking kind of manner & then stopped especially if OP let her know it or she can she that it is making her uncomfortable it would be okay. That being said her constantly making comments about DIL boobs & making her feel like she being reduced down to only being a food source for her baby rather than the mom/primary care giver is not okay. I don't think it's out of malicious though & hopefully they can sit down & talk about it
Not mil but my own mother. She had a difficult birth and failed at nursing me. Didn't attempt with my brother and sister. She was demeaning of my breastfeeding my babies. It's so animal etc. I'm sorry she had a bad time but didn't feel the need to base my baby's nutrition on some demand for solidarity with her. I was glad she lived a long way away.
A lot of people refer to that primary caregiver as The Boob in order to soothe the baby. "Moo with me! Moo. Moo!" 🐮🔔
Im thinking that the king bed is actually a California king, since the husband's height was brought up. The California king mattresses are a ft wider & 4 in longer.
For the second story, I think that's the husband trying to bring up a difficult subject when you're in a good mood and less likely cut it down upfront, or even escalate the situation, may be due his upbringing.
The fourth pink was the hair? 💖
That 5k is definitely coming with strings. Guess it really depends how much you need the money vs how much you do not want her guests there
Hi momma Shaaba. :) happy almost weekend
My parents have slept on inflatable mattresses, waferthin sofa beds, a cheap double from amazon and a really lush king size (depending where we lived)- dad is 6'2" and mum is plus-size with an old back injury that makes her stiff- if they really wanna stay, they'll make it work
Pausing at 5:36 to say: take the money. Put it in a separate account, perhaps a savings account. The ✨second✨ she says anything (well, I PaId YoU tHe FiVe ThOuSaNd) give the money back to her and say, “I knew I couldn’t trust you.” (And her being religious, extra points for the LYING you just proved).
Lol my husband is about the same size as me (5'8 170ish lbs) and we have a king because he sleeps like a starfish. On our queen I would often end up pushed to the last foot of the side of the bed. At least I still have a little room on the king.
they should be grateful that it's not a double or a pair of twins
Two twin beds with a nightstand in between 😂
I think if that last one really wanted to accomodate the dad’s height, they would be wanting a california king on a regular king. The california king has I think and extra foot of length as well as the added width. Either way though, they don’t get to dictate what thier kids have in their own house.
My husband and I are both tall and on the larger side so we sleep on a king at home but we can tolerate a queen when visiting elsewhere. We're not used to it anymore but it's not our house so we never make a big deal of it. Years ago we slept in a queen and before that a double and honestly we were so squished together and idk how we did it.😂
My ex mother in law made me feel like crap because I hadn't been making my (now ex) husband's lunch box before work every day. He hadn't asked me to do that before, but after she berated me for not doing it, he started asking me to. I started doing it, but felt resentful for being guilted into it. She also called my matron of honor "scuzzy" because she had tattoo's and piercings.
I know that's not quite as bad as some other MILs, but I don't miss her. My ex and I divorced in 2015 and I don't miss any of his family. They're all complete bigots.