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Jessica Cooley
Добавлен 17 июл 2017
Love is Not Binary - Jessica Fern's Keynote
This is a post recording of Jessica Fern's keynote speech given at the Loving More Philadelphia conference in Feb 2019.
In this talk Jessica challenges the popular idea that you first have to love yourself before you can love others.
www.JessicaFern.com
In this talk Jessica challenges the popular idea that you first have to love yourself before you can love others.
www.JessicaFern.com
Просмотров: 2 625
Видео
Re Wire Your Triggers (Non-Monogamy) by Jessica Fern
Просмотров 16 тыс.6 лет назад
We all have emotional triggers. We all experience moments where the intensity of our reactions seems out of proportion to what’s happening and our better selves get eclipsed by our body’s fight/fight/freeze defense systems taking over. And the complexity of navigating non-monogamous relationships can bring up even more opportunities to get triggered with multiple partners and metamours. However...
Couples Transitioning From Monogamy to Polyamory - Jessica Fern
Просмотров 36 тыс.6 лет назад
As many of us know, being non-monogamous in a monogamous world has its ups and downs, but taking on the process of going from monogamy to non-monogamy as a couple can have its own unique set of difficulties, as well as gifts. In this presentation Jessica Fern explores five specific dynamics and challenges that relate to couples who are transitioning from monogamy to polyamory while staying toge...
Ask yourself …if you were monogamous before…why did you feel the need to switch to poly? Simple answer you want something additional
Nothing wrong with monogamy….this is a cake and eaat it too lifestyle and an excuse to step out. Morals and commitment are a discipline
YOU'RE THE FUCKING BEST, JESS!!!! lol 🎉🪭🪭🤗🤗🪷🪷🩷🩷🩷
Interesting
i think poly relationships only apply to a specific group of individuals in a “healthy” way. it’s all subjective & psychological, which in and of itself is dangerous by nature.
I was very interested in the video, but was unable to continue once the birth story started. Way too much trauma for many of us.
The way u talk sucks....when u end a sentence u hold the closing of the end word... Annoying... Doesn't make u sound smarter.... stop
Monogamy can kill relationships and here is how. It is often overlooked that relationships can end when one person sets unrealistic expectations for their partner. It is crucial to understand that no individual can fulfill every need of another person. Believing that one person should shoulder the entire burden of someone else's emotional and physical needs is both foolish and unrealistic. This kind of mindset places excessive pressure on the person attempting to meet those expectations, ultimately leading to relationship breakdown.
the thing is that person should be able to fulfill all his needs himself... i don't really get this argument for polyamory. Not against this thing btw.
Ideally they should be able to self satisfy, but ideals are seldom met and even when someone is self sufficient there are times when we all need someone(s) to lean on until we regain our balance.
Thank you this is the most validating comment I've ever read even though I've never yet been poly, just researching
The couples use polyamory for the wrong reasons ....some think polyamory would fix a broken marriage
Garbage is better left in the dumpsters. Loyalty and honesty are the most important character traits that are the foundation for trust. Stay shitty ass people who have zero interest in core values in life
By far the best advice and transition from monogamy to poly information I have received so far! Thank you so so much!
26:30
Thanks for that 💖
My partner & I just finished Poly Secure on the advice of our couples therapist. We are experiencing exactly many of the feelings & challenges described in this video & the book. I’m really grateful for a resource that is so validating and empowering. Thanks!
This is gold! It validates so many of my experiences and I think this will really help getting through my own struggle at the minute
Excellent! Yhank you very much for this. I would really like to hear that second part of the talk. Trigger awareness, individual trigger sectrum, etc.
Polyamory: A Husband and Wife's Open Marriage | Marcus Ward Show ruclips.net/video/5N2T3DNwHZ8/видео.html
She's absolutely right about self love. I didn't have my 1st orgasm until I was 15 almost 16. I didn't even know what happened. But then afterwards I gave myself a lot of self love. Daily And nightly. and wherever I could. And it was true self club
This is amazing. As my wife and I begin our journey into polyamory, I feel like this is absolutely necessary. so grateful to have found this.
gj cuck
Thank you <3
thank you very much for sharing this. much love.
♾💜♾
// this brought me so much peace on this Aries full moon
I've spent weeks of time collectively watching videos and listening to podcasts on this very topic. This video is hands-down the PERFECT breakdown of the shift in relationship dynamic. It breaks down everything logically, clearly, and teaches us how to evaluate any of our own difficulties that may arise from this experience. Very eye-opening and enlightening! Thank you!!!!!
I've recently uncovered a new "F" in the fight/flight or freeze. Its Fawning. Which is a manipulative strategy to calm your attacker down in order to keep yourself safe. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this, as I find that I have done this one a lot in my life.
came here to ask this exact thing so thanks
I wonder. I've noticed I will get triggered and go into a fight, which then triggers my partner, who goes into fight, and sometimes it is scary to me. Then, I change course and either go into flight or this weird placating to soothe the feathers I just ruffled. It's usually because I feel I can't run because running makes him even angrier. I wonder if fawning is what I am doing. Just a note, the fear of his anger is my instinctive. He is big and has a loud voice, but he will not physically hurt me.
Most enlightening video I’ve seen this year. It is amazing how Jessica explain almost all the emotions we are going through and all the struggles I have experienced. Thank you! Ordering your book right now.
Something I'd like to point out here is that even after we get all this into perspective, sometimes the best choices can still be to either fight or flee, and then to avoid engaging with people whose lousy behavior sets off your triggers. After all, they are there for a reason. They're warning signs. They can be useful. Don't necessarily let them lead you to rash decisions that can harm yourself or others, but also don't repress them to the point that you allow yourself to be exposed to actual danger or let people walk all over you. Oh yes and while you're counting your breathing, imagining that wonderful blue sky, under that beautiful green tree, let's hope it's after you've gotten to a safe place rather than while that lion that triggered you is using your "vulnerable self" as an afternoon snack.
Great work Jessica, the exercise is very useful!
This is so refreshing and true. Thank you.
This got my like, but a suggestion that echoes @Nikki Williamson: Comparing going back to monogamy to going back to being childless is what's called a straw man argument. It's only superficially true. A better analogy would be for people who have decided to go organic, to go back to consuming processed foods. This analogy holds up much better on a number of levels, because there is a strong case that polyamory is more organic than monogamy, and were keeping contexts consistent by dealing with concepts ( paradigms ) rather than mixing paradigms with physical objects ( kids ). Kids aren't a "paradigm". I would also add that there's good reasons to suggest that those who see polyamory as a lifestyle rather than as an orientation, just don't get it ( yet ). If anything monogamy is a lifestyle. There's no evidence that humans are naturally wired for monogamy. It's learned through socialization and the repression of our natural "orientation" which is the capacity for multiple concurrent relationships. The attachment styles also have some problems. For example I'm comfortable with intimacy & autonomy ( secure ) but border on being preoccupied with relationships ( preoccupied ) because of how much I value the richness they can add to my life, and tend to be socially avoidant in the face of conflict ( avoidant ), and if necessary strongly independent ( dismissive ). I suspect I can't be the only one who is all over the map on this one, so I'm not so sure it's any more valuable than a horoscope.
I guess parenthood would be the paradigm in this case?
I don’t know if I believe that humans are wired for either one. I’m not really a big fan of the “wiring“/heredity/born this Way explanation of human sexuality or thought. I’m sure there are some people out there who find it more natural to focus on one person at a time, although I’ll bet the more fulfilling lifestyle, for all parties involved, is polyamory.
Thank you so much for giving this talk.
Thank you for this content! Very helpful!!
Jessica thank you for this material 💙 I do like IFS and I have to admit I didn't really expect a big shift while doing this exercise. But I was ok even with little steep towards better version of myself. But this session was so powerful eyes opening game changer. Thank you one more time. I feel like I owe you something... Let me know if I can do something for you 😃 👋 Greetings from the Czech Republic 🙂
A first-class presentation and exercise that would help individuals in any situation, not just non-monogamy
Really enjoyed your clarity and energy, as well as the very practical tools you share here. Very helpful.
Hi Jessica! Very awesome content. I am undergoing the transitioning period and it is very hard. I always go back to your video and re watch it so I wont give up on it. Because its feels so easy to go back to monogamy because thats what I am program to be. But I know deep inside of me I love giving love and getting love to everyone.
You are amazing! It really help me a lot to deal with my jealousy.
Your "comparison" of it's easier to go back to monogamy with telling struggling new parents to return the kids doesn't even make sense. You can't return kids. I keep trying to honestly understand poly yet people promoting it keep giving ridiculous examples to support it.
You're right! That's the point of the comment is that it doesn't make sense. It's meant to illustrate the challenge that many consensually no- monogamous people face. In the same way that it would not make sense to tell new parents to send their kids back because they are struggling with the new hardships of having a newborn, for many people going back to monogamy is not an option and telling them to do so would be miss seeing who they are and what they are going through. Similar to when someone comes out as gay. They might have a difficult time with being out, but they can't just go back to being straight and advising them to would make very little sense.
You can’t stuff shit back in your ass. Think of it that way.
How does it not make sense to you? Sure you can’t send the kids back, but if one partner is dying on the inside because of the restrictive monogamous rules, you can’t really tell them to go shove all those feelings back into a box and just “deal with it”. To me this makes just as much sense as the “just stop the polyamory”. If relationships can’t evolve over time, they are doomed to fail, whether that evolution plays out as polyamory or not should be up to the participants, not you. If you really want to understand polyamory, try not to force it to fit into your smaller narrative.
I think a better comparison is just that when monogamous relationships end people don’t then conclude that it was the monogamy that was the problem, but people do this with non-monogamy/polyamory all the time.
Thank you so much for this insightful video. I very much appreciate the honest and depth of your knowledge - transitioning is a big step and kind of scary but also very liberating! I will watch for more of your work. xo
I'm so hopeful for our future. This video validated so much of what I'm feeling is appropriate for us.
you prolly dont give a shit but if you are bored like me during the covid times then you can stream all the new movies on instaflixxer. Have been binge watching with my brother recently =)
@Lincoln Walter definitely, have been using InstaFlixxer for since november myself :D
How did things end up going? Just interested :) all the best!
This video is incredibly important and helpful. Thank you so much for the energy that went into creating and sharing it.
Thank u