Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person
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- Опубликовано: 15 сен 2024
- You'll try not to of course - but you will, unwittingly. At least there is comfort in knowing you're not alone.
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FURTHER READING
“Anyone we might marry could, of course, be a little bit wrong for us. We don’t expect bliss every day. We know that perfection is not on the cards. Nevertheless, there are couples who display such deep-seated incompatibility, such heightened rage and disappointment, that we have to conclude that something else is at play beyond the normal scratchiness: they appear to have married the wrong person...”
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you will marry the wrong person because there is no such thing as the "right" person. no one is perfect. the strong person realises this and lives with this fact close to their hearts such that it can never bring them grief, anguish or pain. the right person is whomever you deem worthy of being with you on this journey through life.
This is beautiful. Thanks for sharing it!
I tend to agree with the video in most respects. Again, when we have more knowledge on something, we then tend to make better decisions based on the knowledge we have. I myself married the "wrong" person when I was younger. I took that marriage, learned what worked, what didn't, what I did, how I did them and why for that person, and started my own journey to find the "right" person. It took 20 years, many first dates, some second dates, and a couple of longer term boyfriends to really learn what I would and would not tolerate for myself. 22 Years later, I finally found my "right" person. Sure we are going to have our struggles, but the man I chose to match me, who is similar and yet quite opposite of me, I know will be my partner. We choose the "wrong" people, based on our Ego's and our lack of will when it comes to overcoming the sadness of singlehood.
That's not totally true, I disagree with "you will marry the wrong person" my parents still together growing old together that's what I want. The meaning of the wrong person it's his/her mentality not being normal without medicine, adultery ruining both sexs that they need more of what reality giving them that's all.
aight, but degrees of compatability still xist dawg, regardless of how much yall want 2 deny it lol
This video is about compatibility, which is very real.
If you're mostly sad when you are single, you'll be worse when you will marry.
+soupflood Why do you say that?
+Shilvio D. Linton If you're unhappy when you're single, you are most likely unhappy with yourself to start with or have a negative look on things and being in any relationship would not solve those issues, as those are issues a person can only solve within themself.
+Its Molly I see your position. Thanks.
Shilvio D. Linton That's why :D
+soupflood Oh no. That's some really bad news for me. Was there some kind of study or is it a personal experience?
Not every couple is perfect for each other, yet there are imperfect couples that exist and probably thrive. Why? People are not jigsaw puzzles that there is only one perfect fit or else the picture won't work. We grow and we change, What's 'wrong' today can be 'right' tomorrow. Our flaws and tendencies that might not work with other people today aren't permanent, we can outgrow them.
But I think it does take some wising up on both sides for that to happen.
super true
that's just settling down it's not being happy. if it's not perfect, then it's not worth it. stop believing people who romanticize fights and shit
MEGAHIMFAN So let me get this straight, you're suggesting settling down is the same thing as being in an unhappy relationship? are you aware that settling down means starting starting a family.
MEGAHIMFAN and what fantasy world do you live where couples don't fight. Having a fight doesn't define a relationship to be bad. It's a moment to reflect and reevaluate values. Willing couples learn a lot about each other and more importantly of their own self because there's somebody there to point out their mistakes. And it's out of this that we can choose to grow and build a deeper bond by trying to understand one another.
Being single is amazing. No emotional pressure, no wild assumptions or expectations. No one to disappoint and no one disappointed at.
to be disappointed at*
It's completely logical; most people I know in relationships are going down hill.
Ever heard of swinging or even better, friends with benefits? Being single, you can do that too. All needs statisfied.
Seyhan H if you want intamacy that you can't get from friends or sexual partners then get new and better ones
I agree. But what sucks is the middle area, where you're not exactly single, but you're not in an official relationship either... Like a person you have been dating for quite a while, and you've never had "the talk"... That's my situation right now and I don't like that feeling at all
I stumbled upon this video 2 years ago when I was depressed from having a cancelled wedding (5 weeks before the actual day). This video literally broke me into tears realizing how, had I gone forward, I too would marry for the wrong reasons. 2 years later, this video is still very very dear to my heart. In hindsight what happened was truly for the best and School of Life content has been instrumental in my monumental break up recovery! So I seriously can't thank you enough!!
Thank you!
You made a brave decision and it was the right one.
"Too many people get hurt".
How very true...
There is a proverb which says: " When you get married you share all your worries and troubles with each other: all those troubles which you indeed wouldn't have, if you hadn't got married." Frankly, I never thought of stepping into that hell, but I confess that there is something which really touches me deeply when I see people getting married.. And that is " hope". I admire them for their hope. Where does it come from really? Your entire life long being surrounded by a distorted mirror ( your partner) which will show you basically as "somebody else" , is quite a decision really... No more silence, no more peace, no way to be so free, child-like and authentic as you were, before you signed into that contract of daily, trivial life management.
I am sure, though very few, there are people who are happily married. But for most people it is the lack of self knowledge and the fear of loneliness which drives them to dig their own graves in the middle of their lives.
( So indeed this is a life saving lesson! Thank you!)
Good analysis.
Gizem Yılmazer Cok tesekkür ederim. Memleketi sormustunuz. Ben de Türkiye'liyim.
This is gold
Maybe instead of "you have married the wrong person" we should be talking more about "how to prosper with who you are with". People need to realise that relationships & marriage are not made of romantic butterflies, they are built. And they are being constantly built, a relationship is only worth being in if you understand you have to work for it.
WH Photography I agree with you... so instead of telling us 'why we will marry the wrong person' why don't u tell us how to prosper with the person we are... I'm in a relationship, we habe been together like 2 years now, and we are not engage or something like that but it has been so HARD beacause no one teach us like emotional intelligence and stuff :O I love this channel btw
WH Photography no
WH Photography I think the point they're trying to make is that if one needs to learn to "make lemonade from lemons" in their marriage, so to speak, then you've technically married the "wrong" person. Learning to be happy with who you are with is what 99% of us need to learn how to do and many do successfully, but because this is the case, his point stands. The ideal marriage would involve two people who so fully understand themselves that by extension, they understand the other without effort like two pieces of a puzzle coming together without having to trim one or the other. Of course, this is highly philosophical and in reality, almost never happens. But putting in the work and becoming a team with your married partner has its own rewards IMO.
WH Photography Maybe you should the fuck up and rewatch the video
WH Photography If you understand too much you wont get married.
It's easier to be alone when you have always been alone. It gets harder when you have it something to compare to.
***** Are you talking about sex?
It' s indeed quite hard to get used to be alone when you only know to be in a relation. Most will look quite fast for a new relationship. And maybe indeed marry the "wrong" person.
"We Don't Talk To Married Couples, and We Steer very Clear of Divorced ones" My Favorite Quote from Here
I too ask myself how is it possible to we learn in school all kind of useless crap that we never need later on but no one teaches us to be good parents and good spouses. No wonder the world is full of divorces and traumatized children.
Yeah, that's the reason
it's called basic logic. you can't teach that even if you try.
Eh, I'd say it's mostly human narcissism that exacerbates problems in relationships. You can't be taught not to put yourself first and foremost... But rather it's something you learn when you find someone who is worth your time. If you like someone enough to put their priorities in the same place or before your own, then you'll be a good partner. That's only 50% of the formula, though, because your partner must be that way too...
they should enforce mandatory dates to all students from 7th to 12th grade and will be required in order to move on to the next grade. lol
It doesn't help that most people aren't fit to have children either.
"We don't want happiness; we want what we're used to."
One of the wisest sentences I have heard on youtube.
yeah, hitted me hard too...
I likes these videos, but they leave out a lot of the brighter perspective. Just cause this guy is saying this a soft voice doesnt mean hes 100% right
No one is saying he speaks absolute truth. All these videos are based on opinions and experiences. The important thing is taking what is useful for each of us.
Gabriela Medina Valle True but they do present them as kind of facts or science, when some important stuff they emphasize isnt
"Truth" is these topics is relative
Gabriela Medina Valle No its not. These are subjective opinions and shouldnt be presented as facts. How you can say truth is relative in these topics and then not agree that they arent facts?
Exactly
I married when I was 17, 43 years ago. What folk seem to forget is that love cannot remain as merely an emotion, it must become a commitment and an act of the will. You certainly need an act of the will when your beloved seems to be a prat! And it helps to remember how often you've been a prat too.... Surely philosophers of all people should know this!
***** I agree with you. I'm sure my wife and I aren't 'perfectly right for each other' - but then I'm sure I wouldn't be 'perfectly right for anyone.' I liked your phrase 'commit to choosing them every day.'
***** If you have love and respect you are way ahead of the game! Blessed you both are.
We grew together and after 25 years we became brother and sister. I wanted to mate with some one, not my sister although I still loved her.
@@trevordaviesable What is this? Incest behavior??
My first marriage was a two year disaster. My second has been a 34 year work of art. Physically, sexually, intellectually and most of all
a sense of humor a mile long keeps us still loving and laughing. Nothing is perfect, but this is close.
Me too! My first marriage was a two year disaster, my second one was excellent, not perfect, and ended by death.
@@sonyavincent7450 so y’all not gonna spill the secrets?! 😂
@@BrooklynBaby100 what do you want to know? Moral of the story: don't marry your unstable first boyfriend you met when you were 17. Marry the pommie boy you meet at a barbecue when you're 22! Who's only been in your country for two Months!
Gotta say the comments I'm finding on this channels videos are enlightening. People bring up interesting points rather than pointless bickering. Very refreshing.
I agree, the comments section for this channel seems to have the most grown up open minded people.
DEEZ NUTTZ on your chin are very refreshing...
BAI PATTU Lol Nice one.
+BAI PATTU LOL
I am I the only one that does not view this a "sad" or "depressive".. I see an opinion from someone that has view life and have come up with their deduction. For the most, I find it all too interesting.
i found it exciting =) but sad people are more likely to comment, i think. happy folks just like and click next (more or less)
more or less.. :)
yep :)
Agreed. I think, perhaps, only those who have their own opinion on the matter won't be upset.. or maybe those who are already at ease with themselves.
I agree sir. I wish more of my friends would take note of this.
I have never found a channel that understands me so much. That's what we want, someone to understand us. I will marry this channel.
lmao XD
I wonder how many relationships ended because of this video..
If this ended any relationship, then it was weak and doomed to end anyway.
GLT Music 7
Me too :)
If the relation has ended, that was to pave the way for more healthier one
Then it was the"wrong" relationship as "ALL" relationships are "wrong" in his view.
Although this may apply to many people, this is not inevitable. Many people watch this video and they indentify themselves, destroying their hopes. But it doesn't have to be this way. First, you must learn to love and accept yourself, and not only that, but also understand that you don't need to be with someone else, that you can be autosufficient, and indepenent. Only then, you can learn more about yourself, what you like and what you don't. Love is not about changing yourself nor your partner, it's about accepting and loving those differences. Remember: marriage/relationships are not a necessity, they are a luxury. Find someone that loves you and accepts for what you are, not for what you have. Find someone who you can love and accept for what they are, not for what they have. May love be our religion, and humanity our race. You, with all your imperfections, can be perfect to the right person. I sincerely hope you you can find love someday. Life's too short to be sad and depressed
Aarón Camilo - best response. cheers
Well said, well said 👏👏👏
"Love is not about changing yourself or your partner"
The thing is though, that people do change. It's how you adapt together to these changes that determines the happiness in your relationship.
Thanks a lot❤️
For everyone saying "this is depressing", well, not everything in life is going to be 100% perfect with unicorns and rainbows. I think this video uncovers what humanity wants to hide. A lot of these reasons are true, and this dude says it in the most blunt way possible. Sure, you can click away and continue living in a fantasy, but underneath it all we need to work on ourselves to be happy, and that includes being happy with other people (friends, dating, marriage). Until all of these things are worked on, it's going to be a rocky road.
The truth is, not everyone will be happy. Not everyone will have healthy satisfying relationships. Why?
Short answer: *Denial*. "I'm fine.", "I'm happy", "I don't need self help", "I don't need a higher power!."
Yes, I work on myself. Yes, I have higher powers. Personally I stay away from relationships until I feel comfortable with myself.
But don't say it's depressing because it's reality. Maybe you think it's depressing because you relate to it too much...
Yes, so many people want to shy away from the truth of it all because in that truth, there is a road full of pain that they are responsible for. No one wants to get to the root of themselves anymore because they are afraid to learn that they can change, grow, and be responsible for their own happiness and well-being. A partner in life should only reflect that happiness.
Spend a lot of time on yourself before trying to find the right partner. Examine your current relationships and excommunicate those who are destructive, even family members or old friends. Happiness is not a butterfly to chase but a coat to wear. You must work for it, you must be satisfied with your life. When you are happy, have put the work in (took me 5+years), and ended destructive relationships then date. Immediately end relationships that don't match your values. Date based on values. Is this person happy? What do they think when I bring up this? What is important to them? A perfect match is ridiculous. It may take a while, it may happen immediately, but it will be possible to attract someone worthy of love, because you will be worthy of love. Then as you both grow, you fall more in love because your love is based on values not prettiness or money. Go for it. Source: Married the right person.
What if you don't really have any substantial relationships? I don't really have "friends". In fact, I suck at the whole "friend" thing. I mean, I talk to people.... some of them I've known since elementary school, but I don't have any sort of actual friendship with them. Should i just give up and move on, cut ties with them?
Probably the best comment that's resonated with me on the RUclipss. It's so true, and in some senses, we all know this is what we need to do, but for some reason we don't. And those that do try this method (myself included) begin to get left behind when other people drift towards and shack up with the nearest source of validation they can find in order to bow to (someone else's) pressure that they need to be married and have kids by the time they hit 30.
WingsOfHappiness I think I know what you mean.
A lot of my "friends" from elementary were just classmates. I came to know them simply by how the classes were set up; only the teachers themselves would encourage social activity during class. I didn't make very many friends during that time of my life because when recess began, I normally just sat by the blacktop on a bench keeping warm with my sweatshirt on and over my knees. It was lonely, but it was safe, and it allowed for me to think. At times I feel adjusted to this sort of loneliness *because* of the safety and contemplation.
In other words, my friends were more like "associates". I had only "associated" with them - "acquiesced" with them - but never really befriended most of them.
I assume this may be similar to your case?
WingsOfHappiness No worries, take your time, I certainly had a lot of good aquantences and still do. Right now, my wife is my only true friend, but I am on the hunt for more. IMO, it's better to have one solid friend than a thousand half assed ones.
Harshal Davda Thank you, I assure you it's a challenge but it is completely worth it if successful. Really examine your current relationships. Are they all AWESOME? If not, get them good or get them gone. I don't care if it's a girlfriend or a parent or both, if you claim to love them and the relationship is not AWESOME, make it awesome or leave. This will be hard.
I don't get the point in marriage.
We marry people because we love that other person but when we do marry, the insecurity of that other person leaving the relationship goes away and slowly but steadily the love between those people too. Love is product of many things, insecurities included and they should be respected and not shunned away.
It seems counter-intuitive but so do most good decisions.
Dan Hammonds I see the point you're making. But I think I have to disagree. Insecurity is definitely ONE way to keep you working on a relationship. But I would argue, not the healthiest way.
First, you have to understand a few things. There are only two driving forces in human nature: Fear and Love. Every action, every motivation, every single thing you do... will be driven by one of these two forces. And it's not always black-&-white either. Some people give to charity because they want to do something that is good, altruistic, bigger than themselves: This is Love. Others give to charity out of fear of divine judgement from God, or social pressures from family or friends: This is Fear.
The same applies to relationships. A good healthy relationship is based on love. It's the desire to be the best version of yourself, and to see your partner flourish too, not out of fear, but out of mutual respect and admiration. To support each other's creative and productive endeavors. The drive to prosperity, and to see your partner happy, successful, and fulfilled.
Relationships where a partner seeks out higher paying work and "success" out of the fear that your partner will leave you if you aren't rich, powerful, or successful... is not a relationship based on love. This is fear-based motivation, and arguably not healthy, as this video demonstrates. It comes from an animalistic scarcity mentality. The idea that you are not good enough, that you are not a valid person if you lose this partner due to your inadequacy.
You have to be extremely honest with yourself, and ask: "What are my motivations?" If they are fear-based like pointed above, then you are not in a healthy loving relationship. And the truth (that you won't want to hear) is that it's not your partner's fault. It's you.
James Orth well, look at any relationship that is in good standing, they are all upto some level, fear-based. Fear not about the my own short comings but about the door to leave the relationship always staying open.
It sounds bad cuz it is related to fear but fear is the reason we have cognitive abilities much higher than those of other animals. And it's time, we stop fighting it and just accept it for own good.
Look, this place also has trolls.
The School of Life must be growing fast.
I don't think any of that matters as much as communication does. This is the one thing we lack which is covered right from the get go in this video. If we can master this and be completely honest with each other, we may have some chance in creating an intimate friendship. Not 'Love' because of course this is a temporary feeling. There will always be an insecurity of some kind.
Anukurama, I like your pov....but I have slightly different perception of the issue. We try to hold on to another person before marriage in very physical ways...getting dressed, looking good, careful in saying the right things...and as you rightly pointed out because we are insecure and want to make ourselves attractive enough to hold on to the other. But how about making us attractive to ourselves. The moment you are secure about yourself....I believe the we attract the right person intellectually, spiritually and that person becomes attractive to us physically even. Problems arise when people get married for the wrong reasons.....(so many cannot recount here) without being confident about oneself and who one is. But that comes with age, introspection, life experiences. A marriage is truly a marriage if there is love, respect and consideration involved from both sides. Insecurity does not come into play at all. If I have to worry constantly about if the person I am with is either going to leave me or fall out of love for me....frankly, he would be too much maintenance...not worth my time...same goes for the man. Just my two cents on the matter:-)
We may not understand ourselves, but it's refreshing to have a partner with you to help. I find that I grow with my partner as we both understand each other and ourselves better :)
Your username reminds me of the wonders of technology these days.
Two crazy people making each other crazy for each other. I can't imagine there being a better system. I dont want a robot to tell me whats good for me!
There's a difference between quirky and crazy... two mentally unstable people in a relationship is horrendous.
Worth mentioning it, my grandparents got married after 3 months of dating and have stayed for more than 60 years.
can anyone explain this?
Easy
No feminism
Also lack of social media giving women limitless options
Stephen Cortez If it helps they were both in their thirties and probably knew what they wanted in a partner, but it's still pretty weird.
ZESTY ZEST Not really sure that has anything to do with it.
Placing commitment over individuality. Understanding that life means giving yourself to others. Not caring about winning the game of life or scoring the "right" person, but caring about others. This video reflects the intense selfishness of our time.
One word: Communication. The worst pair can become perfect with consistent communication and a desire to understand each other.
*gives date a psychological questionnaire*
Miriam Crook i'd be more attracted to girl if she did that.
+Miriam Crook I usually do that subtly.
+Miriam Crook But make sure you get one too
+Miriam Crook www.bakadesuyo.com/2011/08/is-there-a-shortcut-to-bonding-with-a-romanti/
+Miriam Crook *Takes it and starts having panic attack.*
Being single is great. Guys in British accents need to stop perpetuating the myth that being single is awful :)
***** That's true. We all do fall in love eventually. But it's better to be living happily single before one falls in love.
My past partners always thought I was weird for "calculating" my relationships after we'd been together for some time. I could like or even "love" a partner, but if it was obvious that we weren't going to work out in the long run, I would end it, and if they wanted we are/were friends afterwards. Surprisingly, most understood my reasoning when I laid it out for them, and then they usually saw it too.
There is no reason to desperately hold on to something that isn't going to work because we were "meant to be".
how about we stop assuming, that everything we realise for our own doesn't need to apply to others.
I see no point in those of your videos that point out a problem while failing to offer any positive way to address it.
nobody will be able to give you the best way to address something. School of Life knows this and is determined to merely offer their well-rounded, concise, educated perspective. They know only you will be able to make the best choice for yourself after considering many perspectives and acting upon your own well-informed desires.
To make the best decisions, you need high-quality perspectives and support. People in your life offer support, and School of Life offers perspective.
Hope this helps :)
he offered ways to address it!!! Try to learn your flaws, talk about how you both are mad, know that you might be looking for familiar rather than happy, try to accept that life generally isn't a long laugh and this is not what a marriage should be either. He gave LOADS of tips and ideas to help finding the right one.
How should he or why should he give you any positive way to address it? Does he have the guidebook of instructions to Life itself?
I enjoy being single because I don't have to deal with the problems mentioned in this video. ALthough I don't define myself as "single" because it rarely occurs to me that I am. For whatever reason, I just don't think much about playing the dating game.
I'd rather make art than make babies.
"I'd rather make art babies."
corrected that last one for you.
ur hair is really long....
Micah Buzan you'll regret that when your 60
Sounds like you're very lonely .
Micah Buzan i dont think ill get married. my standards may be unrealistic, but im not going to settle. life is too short to be with someone you dont want to be with. youre better off being single
4: Being single is AWESOME.
+David Fair it is, but as years go by your friends start getting married and you are left alone and then to start that hateful feeling you decide to get married
+David Fair Both situations have their perks for sure.
+David Fair Agreed. My dad always tells me no man is an island, but I don't consider myself an island. I'm a universe.
+David Fair How? How is going to bed alone every night *awesome*?
+Aleks Persson Having an entire bed to myself on most nights, well uh yeah. But the real perks come in the form of not having to answer to anyone, living based upon your own standards and having the time to pursue whatever endeavors you deem most deserving of your time... just to name a few... and if you're still set on having someone in your bed at night go ahead and find someone to be with, just don't marry them.
Sorry, this is all rubbish.
Who ever wrote this either had a sad life or a vivid imagination.
We evolved a set of emotions that help us select a viable choice from those available.
Your attitude to making it work , makes it work. Or not.
Your last line is gold. Your attitude to making it work, makes it work. Or not. Well said.
Well... Yes and no
oh yeah? and how do you explain the divorce rate, wordly speaded? i'm french, sorry for my english, but here, and in all Europe it's the same, and i know it's the same in the us.
A LOOOOT of couples just suffer and end badly, that's a fact.
Single mother raising children without fathers... as a grown man, i can tell u it sucks. I didn't mary, and as amatter a fact, every single "love story" i experienced died as shitty hells.
Lots of reasons - people take it for granted, they stop trying, they try to fix things with children...
Valkyrie Ziege Add stupidity to my list.
I am very comfortable with myself and I know myself very well :/
Which is brilliant! Unfortunately most people don't :/
Good for you if it's true!! :) but how do you know if you're deluding yourself to deflect your insecurities or not?? Which is fine :)
+gopetogle I just know. I know for example that I would shy away from certain things. Knowing oneself is not just about your confidence, but also knowing your insecurities and limits.
How do you know that you know yourself?
+kenneth williams look the standard mesurement to determend if you are special is: if society dictates you are wierd then you are special. It does not mean it in a good way. What we as humans always try to do is destroy those who are special/wierd by putting them down. When anyone declares they are special most would like to mold that person to the standard of society because they themselves are not special. Anyone that comments on this statement in order to destroy it, is declaring their own un-speciality. And therefore the problem lies with you you not me. Basicaly you are insatisfied with yourself and want to make me as missarable as you. What does missery like? ... Company.
I will get married, really?
So kind of you to think so.
in short most people give up and settle for the person that seem to suck the less at the moment.
watching this video is like learning our self
Love starts when we fall in love with ourselves and then extend that love to others
We don't look for what we want but for what we are used to.
We marry so we can stop wandering about love and that part of our selves
that is so intriguing and at times pressing.
So powerful...
The voice of the narrator is delightful.
I think the biggest reason for divorce is that human beings are dynamic. Even a person who makes you happy becomes boring. It doesn't drum up feelings of excitement the same was as when you first meet someone. People become complacent in relationships and fall into a groove where things feel good, but this is a spreading cancer. Relationship's require a dynamic, require tension. This is not drama, but instead keeping things fresh. Trying new things. Cooking different meals. Watching a different show. Taking challenges together.
Relationships must be dynamic.
Please, please, PLEASE tell me there's some way to work out your issues and your past so that you don't end up subconsciously seeking out the same from your future and from the family that you choose?
Is it really something that difficult though? I would've thought it's something that one could get through with personal therapy and meditation and maybe having some knowledgeable people to talk to would be enough to get past it once the problem has been recognized?
+Rahul James Iyer Honestly while this video makes some great points I think it's a tiny bit on the overly pessimistic side. Yes, a lot of people rush into marriage and don't think things through, but there are ways to prepare yourself for marriage as well as things you and your partner can do to ensure a strong marriage. Many marriages are saved, strengthened, and enriched by counseling, and more can be adequately prepared through premarital counseling.
+Rahul James Iyer Just be smart and brave
+Rahul James Iyer Tim Keller's the meaning of Marriage
+Rahul James Iyer Be conscious of what's happening and think why and you won't be shackled by your past or anything..
Love is temporary, but the person you marry is permanent. I think we should treat our lover as a kind of mutative presence, but the one should never change.
***** fucked up
Li Bingcan Not necessarily so. Love is like a garden: it may flourish and grow into beautiful forms, colors and qualities, or it may wither and die. It just depends on how wisely you cultivate it and care for it. Or it could also be thought of as a vast and unexplored territory, with incredible resources but dangerous to explore. I think that at this stage of human development we are still, on average, too emotionally and intellectually immature to be able to handle the challenges of love successfully, and that´s why marriages crash and burn so often.
+Li Bingcan ppl used to marry for practical reasons and having an affair for love
So many things wrong with is statement..
1. Love is temporary? You constantly love things & people
2. Marry is permanent? People get divorced
3. Mutative presence? What does that mean..?
+ibuprofanity I'm guessing something that changes you.
I've been married for 4 years now, our life is far from perfect but our relationship is so strong. we're open about EVERYTHING and we understand and accept our flaws.
we gave our relationship a lot of thought and time before getting married but looking back I think we were extremely lucky. I'm just happy with wife and I can see the happiness in her eyes. I hope you all find love and happiness
Love is not about us although we think it is. It is about our genes. We have had a trick played on us by our genes. We imagine that our genes' interest in reproduction is also our individual interest. We are rewarded with brain chemicals. We imagine that we are immortal through our children but we are not. Our genes are immortal through our children. We are assembled by our genes but we are not our genes, Love hurts because we have been conned.
We are a temporary flowering fruit of our genes which will release seeds and then wither without so much as a bye you leave. We are the vehicles for our genes to travel on and when the vehicle is worn out the passenger genes will abandon it like a wreck by the side of the road and continue their journey in other vehicles.
Life is so much easier when we realise that although we are made up of our genes, we are not our genes.
+coweatsman You may truly be onto something
+coweatsman We can prevent genes from spreading if we keep letting them die in car crashes.
+coweatsman That is the purpose of life, to ensure that DNA survives and never goes extinct. The mitochondria is an example.
+coweatsman Maybe there is a reason for your genes to push towards a specific behavior. If you don't follow them, you may end up happy in your life but then have less "fit for survival" kids.
Maybe that on the long term, if every generation of your descendants acted that way, you would get a weaker and weaker bloodline.
For example, our genes tell us to be sexually disgusted by a contact with our own family, which is indeed good for the health for the eventual springs.
But there are stories of brothers and sisters falling in love of each other (there is a debate about that in germany right now because of siblings who wants to reproduce) : what should they do ? Search for happiness or improvment of their bloodline ?
+coweatsman Good point. That's why I've never understood why some people are so concerned with having kids and carrying on their family line, as if they will live on through their kids. We are not our genes so whether we have kids or not is actually irrelevant.
When love runs out and true colours pop then you would understand if your significant other is the right choice or not.
If you are not able to tolerate each other in a state of lovelessness you sir-ma'am have got the wrong one.
I imagine that Alain had to spend a long time reassuring his wife that she wasn't the wrong person. Or maybe he just kept this video from her.
For the love of God, it is possible for two people to understand and love one another. Marriage isn't just some sham. I feel marriages fail so often because people don't seem to understand what relationships should be, or could be. It's the method of dating (in America at least) that I believe is at fault, the " he seems nice." mentality. And then they frequently marry, just because it's "the next step.". It's saddening to see so dreadfully often. (┛◉Д◉)┛彡┻━┻
Yes! Thank you! My wedding is next month, and I can't see life without this person. I'm not marrying because "it's just what you do". I hate seeing people marrying when they shouldn't, and they are the ones ruining the sanctity of marriage, not gays. If you don't plan on dying with the person, then don't marry them.
Marriage is a financial nightmare, veiled in the shroud of chemicals and it's effects, that we call "love"
Michael Wargo It doesn't have to be expensive you know, and you're wrong there. Scientists still don't fully understand the schematics of love, so I wouldn't rely on what you may think.
I didn't marry the wrong person. I fell in love with her personality when I met her in a chatbox (not even a dating site). I didn't see her, I didn't hear her voice, I only saw what she typed and I fell in love like you can't imagine! And you know what... I married her and we were happy for 19 years... and then she suddenly died in April this year.
I’m so sorry for your loss, I can’t even began to imagine your pain. Just know that the pain will not last forever, and perhaps someday you will be able to look back on the memories fondly. You are so strong, hang in there ❤️
The first step of finding true love is learning to love yourself.
Happiness should not be a goal. I want my partner because I want to play the game of life in co-op mode. I want someone I trust to work with to help each other accomplish our goals.
The most romantic thing someone can do IMO is make a bad joke, realize it's bad, and then we laugh about it. Those small, goofy moments are the most romantic moments to me.
I stumbled upon this channel a few days ago and since then I have been hooked to the videos. Some of the videos are intriguing, interesting and brutally, honest. I did observe one common thing in the videos - why self-discovery is so important. What a brilliant channel!
Yes, I already did.
Love is the burden imposed on humanity to keep the cycle of suffering we know as life going..
Wtf?
Wesley Gaines Be something wrong?
why are you still alive?
Kazathul Most likely for the same reasons you are.
RustyFiReWorKs It's none of my business, but you might want to have a more positive outlook on life. See the glass half full. Focusing on the negative will not make you happier you know.....
always saddening to see how little people understand yet how much they comment
love your videos, SoL.
Bruce Levine Please learn grammar before pretending to be intelligent
Bruce Levine What is love then?
Bruce Levine nice job assuming that's love
the common "i know so much better than everybody else from looking at a few comments, because these comments reflect their inner true selves and i see through that".
Please behave uhuju1...
This channel is so despressing. Thank you.
Bad Relationship?
1. Separate/ Divorce
2. Learn from mistakes
3.Maybe get counseling (DO IT!!!)
4. Start All Over Again!❤ 😢😐😑😐😒😖❤
do it again...w/ a different person! 😜
+Sharstar G Only insanity expects different results from the same actions.
+Josh Neubert read it again. that was the whole point. *learn from mistakes etc. the "again" part is what every human has to do if they want a loving partnership.
"Life isnt a problem to be solved but a reality to be experienced" - Leto Atreides II
I really love this channel, by far it's the best.
+The School of Life thank you guys. That's what I need right now, I'm enjoying this journey. I'll show up these videos to my friends.
+Flavio Nicolás Valderrama you don't know yet what you love! Don't get too careless or else you'll be stuck in a loveless subscription for the rest of your life just because of this comment...
This is clearly wrong, there are some couples that have been blissfully passionately happily married for decades.
Why is a (so called) educational channel, that claims it is educating humanity on how to have the best life, making a video that says 100% of us will fail at this big thing?
These people look at love as if it's a religion, or an outdated, fabricated human concept. And, even if we'd all agree tha love is fabricated, they would still see it as "wrong", simply because that explanation makes the most sense to them, or they created it themselves and have had no occasions that challenged their theory.
i agree on this with you.Although i love this channel i dont agree with this one video.I mean lets be real the possibilities of marrying the "wrong" person are many but there are also many possibilities to meet and marry the right person.Furthermore its in our hand to make things work out with someone we truly love.Nowadays people break up for silly things instead of trying to fix their marriage/relationship.
Maria Kazazaki I honestly think that if people end a relationship over something "silly", it probably wasn't a real relationship in the first place. I don't believe you can have a serious relationship of 2 months, and then not be sad when it's ended, it's a bit ridculous. But hey I don't know what those people feel, I just can't imagine it's healthy to have short relationships that are so fragile and leave so little impact when they're ended.
dapperedavid i have witnessed lots of times my parents having arguments but honestly after some time they would get over it by 1)forgiving and 2)understanding.People nowadays lack of these two things.
They think that breaking up is the only way of escaping a bad situation instead of trying to work things out..
+dapperedavid Just because it ended doesn't mean it wasn't real
When you find someone that matches you so perfectly and turns out to be so wrong for you…. That’s when you know something has to change
Is there really a "right person" to marry? It's not a science or like trying to find the only solution to a math problem. X = Sarah? It's about the work and commitment, the dedication that you put into staying together. You're going to have problems with anybody, I think that's just human nature. Marriages fail now because people expect them to be too perfect rather than the realistic situation which is constant work and compromise. They realize the it's not the rosy picture that they envisioned so they up and leave. A marriage is what you make it and sometimes there's really no solving some differences, you just gotta put up with it. But most people can't do that.
Though some good points are made in this video, love is not an analytical endeavor. Personally I think the reason there are so many lovesick individuals in today's society is because contemporary society is itself sick.
this is the best video that I've ever seen in my whole life. this should be viewed by junior high and high school students as well as college students having a full insight of who we are and what it takes to make us happy is very important and somehow we always seem to forget acting though that we don't know. the video is correct. unhealthy household on healthy communities lead us thinking unhealthy. and finding love is unreachable planet all what we think is love.
thank you for this video it touch me very deeply.
I'm a little stoned watching this right now and damn this is one of the best channels I've ever found.
+The School of Life LMFAO....
Funny :)
+The School of Life what's normal?
+Elmir Ma I guess it's... uh... "not stoned"?
Fernando Canhete Just because we evolved into this reality, doesn't mean this reality is absolute
Even if I married the wrong person I do not for any second regret my decision. With any sadness has come true moments of happiness and beauty. They are memories of a journey I would relive a thousand times.
This video is so depressing, make me want to marry inanimate object or game character...
Your videos have this surprising quality, intelligence and emotional understanding behind them.
Im gonna dedicate my life to science... my mistress will be a difficult, cold, frustrating bitch, who every now and then shines me the smallest glimmer of hope, before snatching it away and making me realise that all my theories and models are wrong... but this bitch is interesting and can spit out TONS of potential... so she must be explored...
This made me laugh really loudly at 5 in the morning but right on mate.😂👍👌
DeadLittlePunkDoll no i meant science would be my mistress
L1nk119 what do you mean? sarcasm lol?
Decided to do the same thing, but with music, ca. 10 years ago and haven't regretted it since. If science is what you truly love, then go for it!
agree with the last thing , Science is by no means femenine.
This video reminds me of that one friend who thinks it's smarter to have a negative outlook on life
Man, you have no idea how much i love discovering that the ideas i already had in my head about some things were already in someone else's, makes me feel much more confident about my way of thinking.
I been single for a long time, while I was single I got to learn allot about myself and who I want in my life. I am not afraid to be alone, like the others who have to have someone there even if they are harmful.
speak for yourself..
+Disabler awww anger
Giuseppe Lomi no
+Disabler awww denial
The dude needs to be rushed to the ER for 3rd degree buuurn
Zenolijo no
I will preach open-communication forever. There are many factors to sustaining a healthy marriage, but this is the biggest thing we lack. Opening up is terrifying, so many of us don't know how to. We rush into love without truly thinking it through, and many of us become dependant on the other, throw away education opportunities or even developing ourselves. Our lives are meaningless, so we seek to build our own worlds of happiness to share. We want to grab on as soon as we can because we think our lives are going to be over even though we're still young. We need to find more time for self-love. Once we can appreciate and be confident in ourselves is when we are more prepared to share ourselves with another.
a lot of people are complaining about school of life adressing issues, but not giving real solutions. lets think logically, pals. if there was one ultimate solution known, why isnt it popular and used by everybody? humans arent that simple. were all different, we all have our flaws and other mistakes. i, for my part, have always struggled with depression. another, may have struggled with anxioty or narcissism, etc. so there isnt one solution that would fit them all. whats best for me may be the worst for you.
and actually, school of life did point out that knowing ourselves and our partner (flaws and all that) will help us. but ideally, the only real solution we can get is if we work it out by ourselves. school of life adressed several reasons why we might pick out the wrong person, so we need to project it onto ourselves and figure ourselves out. what are our flaws? how was our childhood? and so on :D
Well put.
You can't be with a perfect person, (there is no such thing as perfect) you can only be with a "good enough for you" kind of person.
I feel like the school of life sets out to make people more educated and less depressed but their videos always make me more depressed than before I watched them.
insightful for everyone who is not yet married, cruel for everyone who just realized that they shouldn't be married...
This one seems to be one of the less objective videos. wrong and right marriage partners are kind of assuming things about what's expect and necessary for a happy marriage. I think a more rational topic would be how you and others prepare for marriage.
cant marry the wrong person if you swear off marriage
"we think we want happiness but really we want what we're used to" :((((
How to not marry the "wrong" person:
1. Don't get married. There is nothing wrong with being single and it isn't depressing for everyone. It's a lifestyle chosen by many people such as asexuals (includes those who either don't enjoy sex or romance).
2. Get to know a lot of people. The more people you meet, the more potential partners. Spend several years dating someone you find fit, a decade best. A few months/years isn't nearly enough because you can't foresee the rest of your life in such a short period of time. Best choices for partners are those of similar personalities and interest instead of good appearance and pretty looks because eventually, you two will be old ugly couples. Your partner's appearance won't matter at that point because the most beautiful person in the world is the person you are truly in love with, and you can take my word for it.
+Naiuhz Too bad we waste our youth chasing after ideals when our best match is always a work in progress.
I'm single since 5 years now. Never been happier. Lots of sex, very content with a quiet saturday morning with a book, or hanging out with friends. Alain de Botton thanks for perpetuating stereotypes about singles.
I'm unsure of where he made any statements about people who like to stay single. Could you please show me where he did this?
GodDamnit7711 1:36
Guillaume Bourgault Oh jeez, a whole point titled on that. I must have not been paying attention lol.
lol! It happens to the best of us once in a while...
Guillaume Bourgault Any tip on how to get lots of action? Don't worry, I am pretty sure we don't fish in the same place.
We haven't gotten the hang of it in the last 5000 years. What makes you think the next few hundred will be so special?
John Undefined technology it changed so much of life so far and it can still do so much more
John Undefined because only few hundred years ago people used to marry because of any other reason but love. The concept of LOVE in MARRIAGE is a new thing. believe it or not. so is the concept of psychology. We found out more about the human brain in the last year than we did in the past 5000 years.
J. Tomer "The concept of LOVE in MARRIAGE is a new thing."
You're mistaken, love has always been a goal in marriage as far as I now. The difference between now, in first world countries, and the past is that now, we marry after having fallen in love with someone, while in the past, it was expected the couple first married, then build up the love. The concept of building up love worked often. And even if love didn't came, a good friendship would still usually form between the two.
luigi laswell
yeah.. and women would get beaten to death and castrated from society if they didn't obey their husband, and the law was that you could beat your wife as long as the stick was the size of your thumb, but before that law men were aloud to use bigger sticks to beat their wives if they disobeyed... and all these things were lawful. Now... tell me again how they built love when one party was being oppressed to the point of death?
i'm not talking about the rare case of a charming prince and princess stories.. i'm talking about normal farmers, and common people.
your perception of the past is colored by how good you have it right now, and what fairytale story books tell you.
J. Tomer I accidently deleted my long version. I don't want to write it again, so I'm going to note random ideas.
Firstly, a husband wouldn't abuse his wife just because he can. He might just be more interested in a healthy relationship.
Secondly, it was normal to be under the authority of your husband. Nobody questioned it.
Can't a child love his parents because he's under their authority?
Legally, the wife was fully under the control of the husband. Nevertheless, in actual practice the wife was permitted to do much.
Thirdly, it was a sin to abuse your wife for fun. A husband could only hurt his wife if she "had to be punished", and there were boundaries of how much you could harm your wife.
Though rape in marriage didn't exist.
Fourthly, love marriages weren't infrequent. Poor peasants did not always have something to share. Sometimes, parents allowed two to have a relationship. Once a baby was coming, they'd marry. This made sure the wife was furtile. It was also done in the nobility.
Fifthly, romance was a known subject, and both the nobility and the poor were interested in following its ideals.
Sixthly, humans can live well with other humans. Building up a relationship, even if just a friendship, shouldn't be so hard with a little bit of luck. Seventhly, women could easily have a major influence on their husband. There was communication.
Eighthly, we're talking about humans. You have those who respect their partner, and those who don't.
Ninthly, there couldn't have been that many disputes in a low wealth marriage. They lead simple lives.
And how often would your husband's decision disadvantage you?
Tenthly, everything I've read so far doesn't state marriage was hell for a woman. Both were, in many cases, quite equal in practise.
I find it hard to believe the average woman would have felt mistreated or abused to the point it greatly affected the happiness, though there are always those cases.
How good I have it right now? I question that. In the medieval time, the world was small and simple. There was a strong community, people were closer to nature, there was an afterlife. People might not have lived that long, but does a longer life mean a happier life? People accepted death was everywhere.Modern life is always shown so great while it actually has great problems too. Depression and exhaustion are everywhere. We're not THAT happy. People of the past had a lot of very important things we don't anymore. We might be happier in general, but many, despite their security, are still incredibly unhappy.
I'm going to leave this text rough.
I won't marry the wrong person! I won't marry at all!
As long as you're friends with your lover and you are able to cooperate with them, it doesn't matter if "love" goes away, since you can still have a good time with them and get things done together. And I'd say imperfect love is better than perfect solitude.
Ridiculous, emotions don't follow rules, you could love someone with all your heart for 60 years and still end up falling out of love. I believe it's the fear of dying alone that keeps most marriages together after a certain point. Once you're old, you know finding someone new and growing a deep bond would take more time than you might have, so you stay with that person.
I don't follow my feelings, as such. I pick what would actually make me happy, and (more importantly) what won't piss me off, and if enough is fulfilled, give them a go.
Funny how I've never had a partner. But I don't mind.
Aha, partners will always piss you off most of the time, what's important is WHY and HOW.
redRAID3R
If that's the case, I don't want one.
"I don't follow my feelings, as such. I pick what would actually make me happy" contradiction much?
koulokoe
There is a difference.
An impulse comes from a feeling in any particular moment (eg. Infatuation) which motivates you to do some action, usually simple, like, in the example of infatuation, seek a relationship which would cause you considerable suffering. An better example is anger. We all know what suffering violence can cause (if not as a whole, to ourselves), and yet still have the impulse to commit it.
Relationships are overrated and mainstream to be normal. To me relationships are a burden unless your mind is to a state of high delusion or of a highly passive nature. Usually our partners commit many acts of infidelity whether it be virtually, physically, intangibly, etc. The only real reason to need a mate is if you want a family, compassion, sex, or comfort. Most of those I don't personally need and the negatives of a relationship greatly outweigh the positives.
" I say never be complete evolve let the chips fall where they may" Tyler Durden
why the hell are ome of you guys complaining? i loved the melancholic mood of the video, and his voice goes so fucking well with it. gave me chills
As a single person, I love thinking about love.
Being single is not awful if you know how to have fun by yourself for the most part.
Statistically, marriage will last 50% of the time so that's enough to take a risk for your own happiness.
On reflection, I married the wrong person, and stayed married way too long. Endured, if you will. I live by the hope that it is better to love late than to have never loved at all.
this really hit me. I'm stuck in a relationship where we live together and I want nothing more to run away
So??
The sound mixing is bad -- low voice, louder music.
Noticed that across their videos. Should work more on the voice.
The voice is more important than the music.
I've noticed that subtitles have been added to the video, so now it's comprehensible.
Does anyone know how the music "bit" is called ?
Love your videos. Straight to the point. No bullshit.
I feel like an emotionless brick for saying this, but; I couldn't agree more, I've thought about love and marriage this way for almost all my life.
I have been with the same woman for 50 years. The relationship ebbs and flows and is always evolving. It is very rewarding despite the low spots.
We have built an amazing life together.
Happiness is having someone to love and being loved by someone.
Sounds kind of like whoever wrote this is projecting hardcore.
+Jug Head Ha. Just posted words to that effect before seeing this.
+Jug Head ah yes, the initial insatiable desire to have sex and reproduce is not something you fall for. You are too good for that. :) If you mate, you made a poor and irrational decision- as have most of us.
how have i not known about this channel all this time?!!!
Okay so I've been avoiding the dulcet tones of Alain de Botton because his other videos swathed me in a mild depression.
But this is accurate and I felt very smug, because I endured the lonely Saturday nights and all that single stuff for years and never lowered my standards after deciding that marriage was a charade and status was ego
Bullshit. And now it's all good.
Turned down two multimillionaires because they didn't respect animals and now entering into a polyamorous lifestyle.
Raise your standards and be true to you :)
Very good video De Botton. Very very good.
I'm more into the cows video. It pretty much details the perfect form of a cow, which is a nice way to do it. What an aspiration!
Miss Skye! :D Fancy finding you here!
Mr Kivuti - it's been a while - how's you artsy pants?
Agreed ***** - these little videos are fabulous aren't they!
I agree with this reasoning. At the moment we are largely shooting in the dark. Some people think intuition is everything, but in reality emotions can be very misleading. I think I got together with my wife 10 years ago partly for the reasons in this video. Luckily, despite many ups and downs, we still have true love and affection. We don't have many common interests, but we try to accept that and get that from other relationships.
I have been dating somebody for three years now and I must say it has been the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. Sure some of times were good, and Im sure more of these times will come. But the general experience is unquestionably negative. Please, I beg to anybody who listens to this, do not make the same mistake as I have. If on your first months you feel like its not gonna work, then its most likely not going to work. I wish I could break free, but our lives have become to intertwine and breaking that connection would result in terrible consequences that would leave permanent damage to one of us. Is that a cowardly reason? Perhaps so.. then may this be a message to other cowards like me. Have the courage to break free, or live the rest of life in misery until you no longer exist for the remaining of eternity.