I've always had this problem. I've learned you have to use very specific facial expressions and tone of voice to get the right reaction. Flatness of expression that we usually default to is typically attributed as sarcasm or a mean-spirited jab by neurotypicals.
ugh how annoying huh?...And then they think your slight irritation from their misunderstanding your genuine thoughts and feelings is validation that what they initially thought was true. It's insanity. I'm sorry you go through this too. People without these issues go through these things too, don't feel so alone.
"whats wrong" "Are you ok" " You look sad" apparently I look dead on the outside or look angry or mean and people interpret me wrong based on my static default expression.
I'm not here to judge you, (another fellow asd person here), I just wanna ask, if it's not too deep. Is it possible that there could be some hidden pain that you don't know is there?
I always used to force my eyebrows up in a sort of surprised expression so as not to come across too aggressive to people . I try not to do it anymore .
"You should open up more" "Let others see the real you" "Your so quiet/shy" "She's stuck up" "She's always to herself"... I'm so glad you've touched on this topic. These comments finally make sense now. Thank you Paul.
KAspie I would like to see explanation of the first two of those quoted remarks, what do NT’s mean by it and what can one do about it. I have recently(-ish) completed a Tantra training of 18 months, where I received such comments from several people. I have ended up trying to relax somehow and looking without staring (?!) directly into one of their eyes (they don’t like me flickering between both eyes) and focusing midway between us. Sometimes in such encounters, scared or sad feelings come up and then (tantric) NT’s like to see me reacting to those / expressing them (because they generally feel I spend too much time thinking, not enough feeling, especially heart-based and then gut-based feeling). Sure I can dredge-up background feelings of grief over previous introverted/“wasted’ parts of my life, but maybe I’m getting a bit into “method acting” here? Unfortunately, method acting can take on a life of its own - “jamming” the “real me”. I honestly can’t tell what I am experiencing in such situations let alone who is the “real me”. Nor how I’m expected to be in such situations - they are unable to see the dilemma from my point of view let alone express in my language. Maybe to show (and explain) my “real Aspie”? But they tend to think I am faking that as a protective security layer. All this uncertainty certainly confuses me!!!. Can any Aspies here begin to provide any interpretations, suggestions, directions, answers (or links) ?
@@crawlinginfilm9683 That's a great question! I've been wondering as well so I just ask a NT out right...but then they tend to get annoyed by my questions and stop talking to me. I'd sift through this channel to learn more. And if not, hopefully Asperger's From the Inside might shed some more light on it in the near future?
A friend of mine literally said over the phone, "Don't tell anyone, I want this", when he rang me up during a suicide attempt (overdose of sleeping pills). I took what he said at face value, not realising it for the cry for help it was. Thankfully, he was found and survived, but I nearly lost one of the best friends I've ever had. Only now, looking back with a diagnosis, do I finally understand why I did (or didn't do) what I did. In my own mind, I was respecting the wishes of my friend.
It's sort of a double-bind/no-win situation. If they really don't want intervention and you call 911 to have them hospitalized, they will feel betrayed and might still ultimately do it. On the other hand, if you do nothing and they go through with it, you have have to live with the guilt.
When I described to a friend what it's like to make a hundred calculations about all the various nuances of a simple social interaction, he was astounded.
It annoy the hell out of my mother and most of my therapist (the 100 calculation thing). Most of my friends understand since they do that out of anxiety or autism (or both).
4:38. “I don’t even have to do what I WANT to do.” Boy, that is a revelation. I’ve never put that into words and I’ve never thought that was something that someone else experienced. I also feel like radio silence and not being able to be seen by anyone is the only way I can reliably take the time to relax and pay attention to what I’m feeling. Even things I am inspired to do and that I love doing are too much sometimes. Being alone and silent and unseen is the only way to recharge.
I've "expressed" these points to my family ad nauseam and they still misunderstand me. I've explain they shouldn't try to read between the lines- ever, because I don't write anything there. It's easier to just stay alone (although that upsets them too). 🤷🏾
Between how 2-faced people are, their use of coded language and assumption that you do as well -- (like how a girl saying "I'm fine" apparently is supposed to mean "I'm not fine but am unwilling to communicate why until you verbally "chase" me enough that I feel satisfied that I have the majority of your sincere care and concern and attention, so you'd better keep asking me until I share because if you don't that means yOu doN't LUv mE!!!)* --communication is just so exhausting. *It took me a while to figure out this is why guys just could not take me at my word that really I'm okay I just have a very intense concentration-face so quit asking me!!! Because they expected the same social-conversation game from me as from other girls they knew.
R MH exactly. I typically just say when something is bothering me, which makes some people perceive me as passive aggressive because I usually show very little emotion. That’s because I try not to talk when I’m actively experiencing anger.
@@iprobablyforgotsomething its custom to ask people how they are and the correct response is "I'm good thanks "So " Im fine" on the surface is polite. However,they hope someone knows them well enough to see theyre not fine. To keep asking isnt the correct response. Whats bothering you? Youre not fine ,talk to me. is the passphrase.
Your videos really help me understand where my aspie husband is coming from. Sometimes when we are having an issue he'll send an email (it's often easier for him to put his feelings in writing) with a link to one of your videos. I think NTs have to be willing to go the extra mile to learn about aspies if they want a relationship because aspies spend their whole lives trying to learn about NTs and how to behave in a NT dominated world. ;)
Hey, one of the best things in close relationships: regularly set aside "speak your heart time" with the other person when both just take turns to speak whatever comes to mind without fear and the other person must listen without judgement. This is very powerful.
My wife and I do this every night before bed. I like it because we are laying next to each other and eye contact is very hard when emotions are involved, but the physical closeness allow clues when I'm becoming overwhelmed or shutting down. She is the one that figured out that I unconsciously retreat from physical contact when I'm becoming overwhelmed, not me, but it makes total sense.
This kind of "thoughtless" "say whatever" exercise can be really stressful for some people potentially negating the benefits it could have had this especially true for "heavy scripters" and "brillant writers dat just caint talc rite"
@@bassgitter3929 just reading you comment about withdrawing from physical contact when overwhelmed........ I HATE physical contact 99% of the time, in any and all situations, but the 1% of the time I am the pinnacle of physical contact....... Is strange but this is why my most important relationship failed. I've only just realised after reading your comment. I was the ultimate boyfriend/partner for 6 years. Always there, always 'into the relationship" I got overwhelmed due to trauma. I withdrew and retreated inside myself. I became aloof. My partner started to think I was cheating. No sex, no contact. Very little conversation. When i sleep, I can't help it, it's subconscious but I will follow someone around the bed and literally latch onto them and hold them all night. I can't help it but I find women love that about me which is nice. This changed. I would actively (while asleep) run away from my partner, turn my back or shrug her off. She would wake me to ask what was wrong? I couldn't explain. I would even go as far as to physically push her away during the night when she tried to comfort me. I have always had very bad sleep and dreams. It's a very strange feeling realising this. And how it must of looked from her point of view. It did look like I was cheating. Or at the least had locked away the part of me that only she got. Fuck. I will carry this with me forward. I can see this has created huge problems for me in my relationships since. Thabkyou for sharing. Seriously!!!
The bouncing was actually really nice :) It reminded me of how I talk and how diverting my hands and eyes to something else helps me to communicate better. Seeing someone else doing the same thing is almost therapeutic.
I’ve spent so much time over my life choosing my words carefully and learning the subtext of each specific word so I don’t get read wrong. I overanalyze everything I say, and often prefer texting to talking because it gives me that extra time to think about exactly what I’m trying to convey and to use those specific words. I feel so seen in this video lol
The difference between speech and typing is one thing I've noticed as well. My style of speech is goofy and dumbed down but I type in a much more formal structured way.
I can relate to this so much! I often tap my foot in order to process thought and was mortified when someone told me I was being impatient and rude... when I was just trying to understand the situation. One of my biggest miscommunication issues with NT people though is surrounding eye contact or rather lack there of. I try to give intermittent eye contact in order to not appear rude (now that I’m aware that’s a thing!) but often find it detracts from my ability to take in what’s actually being said... very fatiguing! Awesome vid. :)
When I was a kid I would do other stimming things- rock, talk to myself, rub my hands together- but people would treat me weird so I learned that if I was drumming quietly people just assumed I was hyperactive, which was much more tolerable apparently. That still works today 😄
I like side by side activities for talking. Like walking/ hiking, fishing, drawing, cooking, driving, etc so we can talk freely. Also, when I go out with my boyfriend, I sit beside him instead of across from him. I like that it's easier to hold hands. I don't think I'm asbies, but I do have adhd... I'm more hyper aware of what happening & notice when someone is more open (sharing more about themselves) and relax. I've noticed this even with NT people. Even for them, it's sometimes easier to have good conversation when we're not looking at each other.
What I find very refreshing about your videos is that you find the exact right words to describe emotional states that are only felt by some. I always struggle to name feelings or describe reasons for my actions. All I know is that without 'my' time I feel low and cranky, etc. Also, you made some great points about simply having no hidden agenda when doing or saying something, it's that's simple. Thanks for this channel
If you want the "alone time" to sound less hurtful to the other person: Rather than focusing on the concept of separating from them, you might say what you wish to be present WITH that you can't be otherwise. "I need to spend time with my own energy right now." / "I need to spend time with me right now (because when I'm around other people, the me that I need to be with goes away)."
I tell my sister or my boyfriend that I need ‘shutdown time’ if I need to be alone. I say ‘I need to go mute for a while but I still want you here’ if I need them around when I’m stressed.
My son, 13, also tends to focus and converse best when he can be doing something else with his hands/brain. We have some of our best conversations when he's got a Switch in his hand and he's playing a game. The problem is in school, the expectation is sit in your chair and do what everyone is doing - and this is such BS and does not help my son at all. In school meetings, I've suggested the breaks he needs and I got push back from certain teachers - like WTH. It's all frustrating and I find such peace and help in watching your videos. My son's mood is often misunderstood as well - and I used to be guilty of misreading - until I LEARNED! Thank you a million times!
My major professor in grad school would hand me alligator clip to play with when I came to talk with him. He knew I was a fidgeter. Very nice guy. In high school I doodled constantly; I suppose that's fidgeting too, but it helped me calmly absorb what the teacher was saying. Some of those doodles were damn good, too.
Ahh teachers, some can be fantastic intuitively knowing how to work with us to let us thrive then there are those that can destroy our interest in anything school related. My first and second grade teachers were fantastic allowing me to sit in back of the class, turn my desk (heavy combined seat and desk) to look out the window while listening and stimming then using a cue to let us know she was demonstrating something on the blackboard. Stimming, I bounce my right leg - if I was shaking the whole desk then there was the mystery note on rainy/snowy days to deliver to the principal and bring back an answer or on better days chalk board erasures to pound outdoors on the wall. Third grade was a nightmare of sitting in front of the class often being forced to at least have my face pointed towards the teacher even if my eyes wandered around - I learned to hate school and switched to just doing enough to pass. ASD/Aspergers, ADHD (2e), and dyslexic - I largely taught myself to read by syllables but now in my 60's I sometimes miss-read larger words often with to me funny results but realizing I need to re-read the sentence to get the true intent. In 8th grade I ran into my 1st grade teacher, she asked about all my brothers even though she did not teach them and mentioned that my great uncle was a challenge to teach (very hyperactive ADHD) compared to myself.
You may have perfectly encapsulated (in a good way) the essence of why alone time is important! "I don't have to do anything." More people should try not having to do anything or even just doing nothing! This is an excellent statement you have made here, I think. Thank you!
"Doing nothing" makes the bad thoughts and inner critic take center stage, and most people are mentally prepared to deal with that. They spend their entire lives running away from themselves.
Being open and direct is my problem. I tend to trust by default, on my own assumptions that people don't usually have agendas. But people do, their baseline default thinking is everyone has an agenda. So my communication style is straightforward and accurate, with the hope to save time and miscommunication and being genuine but NT take it as if I'm being offensive even though I ALWAYS make sure I replay the sentence in my mind before speaking them so that I'd take into considerations NT's feelings. I end up over-analyzing and go into paralysis. Shut off.
@@MB-pf7gv I just copy what neurotypicals do, eg, my family members who are skilled in social conversations. Through observations of what most people do, smile more, be polite even when being straightforward. I actually calculate risks before opening my mouth because the society I live in has a high regard for traditional rules so if I conclude that it's not worth speaking about something I just don't, based on my past experiences. Through decades of observations and failed experiments, I've learned a lot about human psychology and have learned to be like NTs. One will never know I'm on the spectrum. Sorry, I have no easy solution, it's all based on observations and practice. In time I've learned to say what I want to say anyway using soft polite tones, add in some feminine touch (like smiles, and things NT females do) because that's what works. Also, actually small talks that NTs engage in is a good place to practice. It is like a warm up to open up conversations. I am still direct but not as blunt as I used to be.
It took me decades to finally realize- EVERYONE has an agenda they're hiding. Even my own mother makes assumptions and plays passive-aggressive games. It doesn't matter how much you explain to NTs how lacking you are in "motives", and that there really isn't anything to read between the lines with you, they will ALWAYS assign *something* to your actions/words/behaviour. People are weak, they stick with what they know, and if they exist in the NT social world, they are used to reading multiple layers of motives and meanings with every interaction. They will automatically do it with you, and continue to do it even after you explain to them that you truly are just a face-value person. That concept of being simple, straightforward, honest, and non-manipulative is so foreign to them that they assume you must be lying, and there's "something in it for you" to convince them of it. Then they will operate toward you as if you are some sort of wildcard threat because they can't figure out "what you want". However, if you realize that that's what their minds are doing, then you have a better chance at coming out of an interaction unscathed. Oh, and you also need to grow a thick skin, because you will constantly be called stubborn, lazy, selfish, aggressive, loud, inappropriate, rude, intolerant, oversensitive, picky, and a drama-queen. Not because you are any of those things, but because when an NT exhibits any behaviour similar to whatever you're doing at the moment, it's because THEY are those things.
I was 52 years, 10 months old when I was finally convinced that NTs have agendas. I had no idea. I seriously thought that "hidden agenda" was just a TV trope.
this has been helpful to me. I'm in my 50's now, and have led a difficult life due to misunderstandings and the general NT opinion that I'm arrogant or too direct, but as you've said I never knew I'd been judged until I recognized I was alone and people avoided me. I've been told my resting expression is vacant, which can be offputting, and I've (don't laugh) studied facial expressions of others my entire life. the ball doesn't bother me, I get it. I've listened to ambient, repetitive-beat music my entire life, and tend to always have ear buds in - furthering the illusion that I'm aloof. I enjoy your videos. Cheers
Thanking someone for an invite, turning them down and suggesting another invite in the future just doesn't work in my experience. NT's will still take offence, the reason is complicated and annoying; NT's hide their true feelings behind a curtain of social grace which can be extrapolated in real time by other NT's. If an NT were to turn someone down for an invite with no apparent good reason for doing so then another NT would consider it to be a rejection, even if the curtain of social grace "so sorry, perhaps some other time" is still erected. What's more interesting is that they often make this same determination even if a reasonable excuse is presented, such as explaining that you are on the spectrum and your need for alone time. They will smile politely, claim to understand and never invite you to anything ever again.
The never invite you again thing could also be an assumption made by you having autism, and gets interpreted as you never wanting to go (due to not liking crouds). One solution could be, saying you can't because your busy. Maby even use words like "I wish I could". I think nurotypicals use White lies to avoid the need to explain things.
When My aspire BF can’t accept an invitation to something I’ve asked him to come to he always starts with “I’d love to but....” and goes into why he can’t & then always offers another time. As an NT I appreciate this sooooo much & find it so transparent & honest. That’s what I love about him. He is always always direct and honest. Us NTs get so caught up in assumptions and reading between the lines etc. my aspie has helped me personally with my trust issues because he always follows through & he tells me the truth.
That's because it is a rejection. If one person is always the invitation extender, and doesn't get a response in the form of accepting the invitation or a counter offer (like 'oh, I can't, I'm always exhausted on Friday. Want to come over for a walk on Monday?') it hurts too much to keep inviting. I know that many don't think of it like that, they assume that the invitation extender will be relieved to have reinforced "this relationship is important to me" but still not have to go out and use energy being social. So they don't feel the need to be extra kind when rejecting an invitation, and even say "please keep inviting me". But that's not how it comes across to everyone. For some, it sounds more like a "I acknowledge that you would like to spend time with me and are making me a priority. However, I am not going to make it a priority for me. Please keep me as a high priority in your life, and I will see how I feel about your importance to me as I go about my life." It's possible to keep inviting them for a while, especially if you see that they are truly overwhelmed and it's not that you're a *low* priority, it's more like they've got a lot of high priority items to manage. After a while, though, it's less painful to put them as a much lower priority for the time being, to match how it feels like they see the relationship.
(ADHD here, not certain where I would fall as NT/ND but...*shrug*) It feels like properly padding the refusal of an offer is simply nuanced and delicate. I'm not sure that some one "way that NTs will respond to rejection" could be deciphered or codified. People are varied and complex, and have wildly different levels and kinds of perception, expectations, sensitivities, etc; how anyone will react is dependent on many factors, internal and external. As an internal example, some people may accept your choice to do something else, and just resolve to invite you along another time, while others (like me) may have some particular reservation about asking another time such as seeming desperate or overeager, or they may be of the mindset that the next move is now yours to make. Looking externally, the timing and nature of the activity in question also affect both how your response is taken, and how the impression that your response leaves will affect future invitations. Maybe they have every intention to invite you along "next time", but the appropriate next time conditions haven't occurred; they haven't been free, you haven't been free, a similar occasion has yet to arise, yada yada... TL;DR: People, NTs and NDs, likely just have too much dimensionality, and human social interaction too many intricacies, for our behaviors in a situation like this fit into a "we react like X, and they react like Y" paradigm
Ball bouncing doesn't distract me, after awhile you become habituated to it, like a fan in the background. I'm here for the knowledge yoy always have amazing insight that makes living life more free and less their way.
I went through a period where I would aggressively question people I wasn't understanding: "What do you mean? You are suggesting something, but I'm not sure what it is." I knew this was annoying behavior, but in the end it made me less socially paranoid, because I got a better idea of what I was understanding correctly, and what I was misunderstanding or exaggerating. I became more confident in my ability to read conversational signals because I demanded confirmation or denial of my interpretations. I didn't do this for a very long period--maybe a half a year--but the long-term effect was to increase my confidence in social situations. I know this isn't for everyone, but it worked for me.
Getting comfortable asking clarifying questions can be huge. “I’m not sure what you mean.” Or “could you repeat that?” Even can cause people to reconsider if their initial communication was efficient/clear.
There's a universal valid excuse for going "to the rest room" (for a "fluid adjustment"), and there used to be a similar excuse for a cigarette break.. So we should be able to extend that idea to have "recharge time" for Aspies... we aren't "alone" as such during that very necessary quiet time, as much as we are "recharging" and getting ready to be pleasant for upcoming interactions...
@@Angry-Lynx No, I'm not. As a child I was given "time out" and could come back when I was ready "to be reasonable". As an adult, the choice is take a break, or leave completely.
@@Angry-Lynx Nope. I'm with Meg Nakano on this. At times I just need 2-5mins out and why should I have to lie about needing to go to the toilet just to regather myself. Why can't I just say (and take) this time to recenter?
@@Angry-Lynx Spending your whole life trying to fit in is exhausting. I've had enough of making excuses so as to not offend people. If they can't accept who you are- differences and all- then they aren't worth the effort.
Alone time is not just for the non NT, Me as an empath need to retreat regularly to unload, unwind and recharge. Also this is needed for me to gain insights.
I ask my husband that a lot.. "Are you ok?" "What's wrong?" One person saw a photo of me and him and commented: "Mr Lambrou is dead inside" Hubby was diagnosed at 3 1/2 yrs old in Australia. We now live in Sweden. He only found out 8 years ago, his mother has hid it from him. I myself have ME/CFS and fibromyalgia so we are quite recluse... Neighbours have started talking about us that we are odd and hermits. We live in a house in the countryside that's been divided into 4 apartments so what we do or don't do is quite noticable. We hear things like: "You shouldn't keep your curtains close" (we live on the bortom floor and hubby hates when people can see in) " You should hang plants and decorations in the windows so it looks more alive..." We both prefer to take it easy, read and snuggle our cats. 😊 What do you say to people that give ud/or hubby advice to live more "normally". We've know each other for 18 years, irl and married over 13 years. Hubby is odd at times but I accept who he is and love him madly. 😍
Ahh, there is a thing which is relatable. Life can get interesting being both aspie _and_ having FM and CFS/ME. That, _"You should hang plants and ..."_ brings to mind that sometimes when frustrated I can get snarky and say things like, "Ya know, you are right, I am wrong for not living my life to your standards."
@@scottfw7169 it's better now since I wrote that. We have moved to a bigger place on the second floor. Haha! More people live here even if it still in the countryside. Now the new problem is that neighbors are curious about us and everybody asks what hubby does for a living. He hates that. Because he does nothing. His motivation to do anything else, except sort things, is zero... Which is ok by me. Then he is home taking care of me. Sometimes we say that he is my carer... Since I often use a wheekchair outdoors people believe it. Lol
@@carrolam6988 I think people ask about a person's career because they want to know what they are looking for something they have in common to start a conversation. So, if they did a similar thing, or would have taken similar classes in college, or they know someone else who does the same thing and could share a story they heard from them, etc. Also, some people are constantly networking and seeing how they can help you or themselves or a friend, like give business your way, or they have a friend looking for work, or they might be able to do work for the company you work for, or if they have a charity event they might ask for something, or even being curious/ nosey about the other's income... I live in a suburb of Washington DC, so "what do you do?" Is a very common question at the start of a conversation. I've done a lot of thinking about why when that is one of the least important things about me. I talk to people all the time when I'm out and about. I ginuwinely believe that most people just don't know what else to talk about, so that's the 1st thing that pops in their head to get a conversation going. NT people struggle with making friends too. From what you've mentioned, it sounds like you have friendly neighbors. I try to ask about where they're from since very few people are from here, or what they like to do for fun/ hobbies.
As far as people giving unsolicited advice, a lot of people talk without a filter and are just trying to make conversation or they really do think something would like nice or be helpful. So like telling you that you need plants and to open up the blinds, they just know those things make them feel better in their own homes.. I know it does for me. Except the plants. I forget to water them. I do have one fake plant and I want to get more.
In a previous job I had to stop my dry, sarcasticish comments because someone was always getting offended. It was kind of my way of communicating in an NT environment and so I ended up just being quiet. I thought I was 'coming out of my shell' and fitting in with the banter of others, but no, it had to stop.
Ive been watching your videos a lot over the past week. I had an issue with my partner and decided to do some aspie soul-searching to better understand where Im coming from and how I can communicate that with my NT partner. You've been a great help. I love your method of explanation, your kindness and openness, and your exhaustive approach. As an aspie academic I appreciate people who can articulate their points clearly, and without leaving people behind by being too show-offy with their approach.
Ahhhh!!!!! Soooo relatable!!! My NT friends stopped inviting me to anything social because after i had quite a lot of physical health issues & multiple surgeries I had a long period of being a recluse. I'm finally getting back on the up & up & everyone seems to have forgotten me. In their defense, I had a coma, then cancer, then 13+ surgeries including brain & spinal surgeries lasting the span of 6yrs. They were around for the scary near death stuff, now I feel pretty alone. It's weird. I know i should put myself out there & I'd see I still have friends, but i over analyze so much I end up talking myself out of it every time. Sorry to vent, but it's easier to talk to strangers..
Natosha Nichole i can’t imagine what it was like to make it through everything that you’ve been through. but i sure could not believe that you made it through all of that to be alone & lonely. i sure hope that you reconnect with good friends or make new ones who won’t forget you, even when you need to be reclusive. ✨💜✨
People without these issues go through the same thing...Sometimes we come in a point in our life where we find out who our real friends are. Not saying that all of your friends aren't your friends, they're just not the best of friends, you know? What a miracle you are!?! 🙏🏻 God is Soo good!! I pray you come out of your shell and find good friends that will check up on you even on your down time. We all need to find those friends.😘💞🤗
Often while im proccessing, im oblivious to where my eyes are pointed. This has created this misunderstanding that im deliberately staring at someone or staring at something, when i was lost in thought. Frequently ive been asked in a hostile tone if i have a staring problem to which ive learned to reply with 'yes'. This seems to surprise people, and slightly de-esculate their hostility.
I used to get that a lot as well. My work around was to find an object to focus on. It wasn't so easy when I was young, but with the invention of the smart phone no one seems to mind when I'm "zoning out"... unless it's because I'm actively engaged in something and not hearing what they are saying to me
I’ve done exactly that my whole life and been spoken to the same way. My only solutions was to divert my eyes, but sometimes the NT doesn’t like that either.
I absolutely love that you said "yes" in that situation which led to a de-escalation. I utilize that same sort of thing when dealing with people misunderstanding me or my actions
I have had this issue constantly with my wife. When I wake up in the morning, before I am awake enough to emote properly, my wife thinks I am angry or depressed. I have a somewhat deep baritone voice, which typically bears the same amount of expression as my face when I wake up. She used to tell me how grumpy I am, or that I have RAF (resting a$$#o!e face) when I actually was feeling pretty good. That would occasionally spiral when I would get tired of it, which I did not help by saying something like "I was feeling fine until you assumed I wasn't". I'm glad that our trust in each other has helped us both to understand that she wasn't saying it to make me feel bad, and I wasn't doing it because I was in a bad mood. Thank you again for your series, it's been like a light bulb turning on and I appreciate you sharing tools to help me better translate what is happening on the inside to the outside.
Well put. I've often found it hard work having to explain myself, saying in so many ways - it's not personal! Plus being judged (wrongly) on a completely false reading of something my face did! God, its no wonder aspies spend a lot of time on their own. And it really does cause problems in close relationships.
These are things I’ve been dealing with all my life, which I’m now finally understanding after my ASD diagnosis. My husband and I had many misunderstandings our first two or three years together, mainly because I have to have alone time or I’ll shut down completely. People I work with have told me that they never know if I’m being serious or if I’m being sarcastic. I’ve never known why I don’t express emotions when I speak, but I’m starting to understand and it’s allowing me to modify my speech and body language so that others can understand what I’m expressing. The hardest one for me is saying inappropriate things in emotionally challenging circumstances. A friend told me her grandmother died, and instead of expressing my condolences, I said something about how that happens to people when they’re really old. I had no idea why I said it. I was mortified by my behavior. I later apologized, saying that I had been having a bad day, although the truth was that I do that sort of thing a lot when I find myself in an emotionally challenging situation.
I love the ball bouncing. I can’t follow along when someone speaks with a lot of hesitations or “ums”, thats all my brain starts picking up and I completely lose what they’re saying. You speak very clearly and succinctly and the ball totally doesn’t matter.
Yep. A psychologist went bat crap crazy at me the other day and accused me of "game playing" and so she said she would not be continuing with the conversation. I was not "game playing". I was trying to make myself a bit of emotional space without having to end the session early. I just wanted to back off the indepth bit without having to explain why i was doing it because at the time i wasnt quite sure what was actually going on for me. But i wasnt and infact dont "play games" Her assumtion hurt me badly.
That sounds terrible! Mine have all just diagnosed me as Bipolar and now ADHD, mostly because no one where I live even knows how to deal with Adults with ASD. Especially High-functioning. One did get mad because I was on my phone while talking to him. Sometimes I just need to do two things at once. 🤷🏾♀️ I don't understand the problem. There may (emphasis on "maybe") one program for "disabled" that might be able to give a correct diagnosis but, it's DC. I doubt it.
It doesn't sound like a good therapist 😣 And doesn't matter whether they know anything about Asperger's, that's not an excuse saying that to your patient. It sounds like she was the one playing games.
I self diagnosed a month ago. In my childhood i had a clique and they did a very good job. They told me, they want me to go now because they have to recover from me anoying them... I completely got that, i spoke soo much too much, i was very fine with that. They loved me and i love honest people! Other people pretend to be fine with me and never called again
I’m finding all your videos informing. It is helping me understand why my son may act the way he does and how to support him. He was never formally diagnosed. But he has all the characteristics of it. He’s in his 20s now.
Thankyou again. I’m finally getting some answers as why for example that his expressions may not change or him needing time alone , his difficulties in social situations, his focus on narrow interests, etc. 👍
NTs usually "read" me as either sad, meek, or antagonistic. Granted, I'm pretty often the latter, but usually not at the times I'm attributed that quality.
I just wanna say I like to see you move and play with the ball while making your videos. It's the perfect example how fidgets and stims can help NDs do things and how they don't distract us or are childish nonsense. Common misunderstandings I have are usually people assuming I know something about them I don't (me telling a story and they are offended, assuming I was hinting at something?) and also that I am in a bad mood because my default expression looks "grumpy". I do a lot of fake smiling if I remember to but I forget to smile once I am in a serious topic, especially at work.
We set up a play room in the spare bedroom and this has provided the needed space for alone time which takes the pressure off the shared spaces. It is still a shared space but there are no expectations other than mutual respect. We can do our seperate special interest or relaxation activities any time and its an escape room from the rest of the house. We can adjust the sound and light and there is an exercise matt a bean bag chair. Im so glad i took your emotional intelligence couse last year because im sure using it now!
You explained this so eloquently. It’s been a difficult journey trying to figure out what other people need because NT’s aren’t as direct. I find this so hard to deal with -then over analyzing everything ☺️
it is because of your videos that all the pieces to the puzzle made sense and I finally got my official diagnosis. Thank you. I spend most of my free time alone in my art studio as I have always done. I even turned down going to a concert last minute last night to stay in my art studio making rosary boxes. I have heard "what's wrong with you?" my entire life. And the moms in my sons' school were complete A-holes and would exclude me out of everything. And the most recent annoyance that a friend of mine keeps saying is- "turn that brain off of yours" and the person gets mad at me. The video that really hit home was about "wrong planet."
Thank you for your channel Paul! It makes me feel less alone (especially on a day like today, when I failed to understand a coworker's sarcasm at work).
And just wanted to say that I tell him he is special, unique and adorable. He also was not diagnosed as a child but was treated appaulingly as his family thought he was 'naughty, badly behaved' etc etc. I have been told that it's not my problem but it is as I love him and want him to be as happy as he can be with me. 💕🐾
A great video. Although we struggle to read other people, which is well documented, we do learn certain things over time. Whats less understood is NT's mis reading us. Ive experianced it a lot at work. Im often perceived as being rude. Whilst working in retail, I often heard colleagues complaining that certain customers, who I knew to be ASD were very rude. I always tried to explain, some folk get it others just don't.
Oh, you're always so much help, Paul... I don't even know where to begin... Usually, people just make assumptions, or inferences about what I say... Sometimes it feels horrible when I'm putting so much effort in making myself extra clear, and people do that... If I'm "lucky", that usually leads to a long (really long, and therefore really annoying) discussion and me spending lots of energy trying to explain myself ("I said exactly what I wanted to say...", "No, there's no second intention...", "No, I was not talking about anything else other than what I mentioned...", "No, I was not trying to be rude...", and a long etcetera). I really wish your content could be found in Spanish too, so, if you ever need help with translation to or from Spanish regarding your wonderful work here, please, count on me.
I highly suspect my now ex has Aspergers. Only thing is, I was being needy thinking he didn't want me, and he ghosted me. I just wish he had told me so I'd understand. I really love him, and would have learned to understand. Your videos are helpful. Thank you :)
Thank you forever! I am struggling through the process of explaining my Austin experience with my family. You hit the nail on the head in all three examples. Thank you so very much!
This video was very useful! I don't have Asperger, but I have this kind of bad communication with my friend who has Asperger and my partner (who I starting to suspect that he has Asperger). At first, it was difficult for me to learn how to "read them", for example, my friend can be really "dry," like the person that was described in this video, emotionless and sarcastic, so, I was never sure if her statements where serious or not, even so, her comments always made me laugh because they were genuinely funny and I suck at hiding my emotions, so most of the time I laughed. Luckily for me, she was being sarcastic, otherwise, we wouldn't be friends. With my partner it is a little different, he can be inexpressive and most of the time he seems bored, besides, his voice tone does not change much. He always needs some time alone, something that has been the most difficult situation I have had to adapt myself (still working on it). With time, I've learned to ask them if I was right or if I misinterpreted them, this has been very useful. I also learned that write my worries on a paper for them to read, is a good strategy for avoiding conflict, especially with my partner who gets extremely uncomfortable if we talk directly about my concerns. Writing my worries allows me to think more deeply about my emotions and express them correctly while using a neutral language. This way he doesn't get anxious and he can read them in his alone time. I´ve to admit is hard work, for them and for me, but it really worth it.
Mariana L. Núñez ☺️🥰 Love the effort you’re putting in for the people you care about. Dating an Aspie is so confusing, especially when neither of you knew the reason for the odd communication issues. Once you find count, it’s like getting a second chance at life.
I find that written conversations with someone is often easier than verbal ones, for the reasons you described. Writing down your concerns seems like an excellent idea. Perhaps you could encourage him to do the same, so it feels less one-sided for both of you?
Exactly. Just because I want alone time now doesn’t mean I need to be alone later. It was similar when I was going through cancer treatments. Just because I’m too unwell to go out now, doesn’t mean I will be too unwell later. In both cases, very appreciate being asked out and since it is very hard for me to feel well enough with both my emotional state and health state then it’s actually better to ask me more often, not less often.
I've had folks break down crying because I misunderstood social cues from them and I was always completely thrown off by such a reaction. They'd say something like , I hurt their feelings by thinking of them wrong 🙄 instead of simply explaining. So many people lack patience and understanding .
I've been having a great time and people have asked me if I'm upset or okay. When I tell the truth, nobody believes me. When I lie, everyone believes me. If I'm just speaking normally, people think I'm being rude or sarcastic. When I'm sarcastic, they take me literally.
This channel and other asperger's RUclips channels, have helped me the most so far. I watch videos like this guy and it's like someone truly understands me. 👍👍
Yes! The last thing especially. Exactly that have ruined my jobsituation more than once. I even started telling them "Please, if there is anything you find odd or otherwise confuse you, ASK ME!" but they still don't.. Really frustating (not an aspie but on the spectrum)
One thing that really irks me is that NTs, especially managers, tend to just disregard any attempt to educate them on Autism and it is incredibly frustrating.
Wish you'd cover how we're treated in shops and supermarkets.I always return from town traumatised from my encounters with shop staff and public alike.Luckily,my pets help dissipate the hurt and rage.
Richard I can relate strongly to this! Many of my friends post comments how bad self serve checkouts are, but I find the ability to do shopping uninterrupted and get out of there quickly, with minimal social interaction such a relief, and almost empowering, if that makes sense?!?
Laura,If it were not for my dog and kitten,I'd have gone insane by now.I too use the self-service check-outs wherever possible.I find that my car shuts 'them' out too.I used to cycle,but a car really is a defensive shield against hurtful NT's.
I feel you...I've quit big shops because sometimes the shopkeepers even think I want to steal stuff and they ask me things in a creepy way, since I walk quickly with a confused expression due to the loud music and the awful smells. This assumption makes me suffer so much! Moreover I live in a town in which if you don't go every day to the same shop the shopkeepers ignore you or are extremely paranoid...fun thing, I work as a receptionist now and nobody has complained till now about my behaviour....the interaction with our clients, who belong to a niche, gives me back the good mood I lose when I go shopping for myself...
I hate going anywhere ( shop,library,etc) more than about 2 - 3 times.Ideally,I'd be on the move constantly so I never have to visit the same place twice and risk becoming 'known'.I know what you mean about feeling 'normal' and coming across as normal in the work place then reverting to autistic behaviours in shops,etc.
I totally forgot to say how refreshing it is to see someone bouncing a ball, for instance, while speaking. I'd probably do something like tapping fingers. You don't need to explain it either. Its great! I reckon many people would do some thing like that while speaking in public, if they allowed themselves. I find myself trying to see the ball hitting the ground but its off camera. No worries, as long as it makes it back up!
I basically didn't have real friends back in highschool because of my "alone time". Some days I could talk for the whole day with the person sitting beside me in class, but the other day even the voice of them would stress me, so I would go mute, or in any opportunity I would sit with another person. But it was not personal. Finally in my senior year, the person that started sitting beside me, after some discussions, one day told me, "I got used to you, I know when you don't wanna talk and when you want to, and I respect that" and I got really happy that day.
I do the same, and I don't feel self-conscious about it either. I used to be super aggressive about asking for clarification, but now I do it in a more neutral, curious way, and that's received better. Once I had figured out a bunch of different types of situations, I would go into the next situation with a better initial reading. I'm pretty good at it now, and don't have to ask as many questions.
Thank you so much for bouncing the ball, it helped me understand why it helps me to play with something physically while I’m trying to think. Like you, I learned this about myself late in life and it’s kind of a mind job. Your channel is really helping me.
I have been trying to communicate these things to my family and friends of late (especially the last point you made) and don’t seem to be making much sense, so thank you for explaining it so well, I’ll have to send them the link to this video. I’ve only just recently stumbled upon your channel Paul and have found it so very helpful. Thanks for doing what you do to help understanding for those on the spectrum as well as giving more clarity to NT’s.
Oh wow. I am NT, my boyfriend is Aspie. Man, there is so, so much that I don't appreciate to the point where I just want to walk away. I am trying my best but there are definitely challenges that I truly don't know if we will ever overcome. 💕🐾
For me, I do my best to always explain my actions and be apologetic and helpful to NTs. Such as, if I'm at a park doing something and someone comes along to do an activity near me, I assess what it is they are doing (are they setting up a picnic, are they reading, etc), and if I think what I'm doing will interrupt the other person, I will let them know "Hey, I'm doing such and such here, I'm not sure if that will disrupt you." so that we don't get into that situation where I don't warn them and they later get annoyed and think I'm "being annoying" on purpose as a retaliation for them having shown up in my space (that's never the case). I don't mind them being near me, but I want to avoid them making assumptions later. The problem is that no matter how well I'm masking and being as polite as I can, it sometimes doesn't work, they see me saying that as a manipulation to get them to move, even if I have said "I don't mind, but you might be bothered by what I'm doing" or whatever. I can see no clear answer as to why this sometimes fails. A friend suggested that it's possible that even though I'm being polite and masking, I'm doing it in a more masculine way, while looking feminine. Some NTs seems to read masculine masking as rudeness when it comes from a feminine person. I see no way around this because while I can mask and be polite and helpful, I can't force myself to use the overly flowery language some NTs want out of feminine looking people (it's too exhausting and anxiety inducing for me to mask feminine).
At 1:00 one thing I notice, if I have that kind of missunderstanding, and I tell someone they are missunderstanding me, there response is, "no, you misscomunicated". I've been taught that saying it the way I did points the blame at the other person. (Not meaning to sound blunt)
Try using "I" messages, describing how you're experiencing another person's behavior or response. Ex: "I don't think you're getting what I'm trying to say." "I'm getting the sense that..." "Am I confusing you?"
Oh the invite out got me. In my 20's I had to cancel plans so many times. It was always a case of wanting to go out but often when the time came I was exhausted, had a bad day or whatever and then just needed me time. Unfortunately my social groups started drying up because of my lack of attendance. In retrospect i didn't know I was aspie back then, so to be kind to myself, I couldn't have handled it any differently.
I will, with the ball bouncing, I am impressed by how well you do that. I used to throw a tennis ball against the wall in my room and think but it annoyed people. I could throw it at the wall of the outside of the house though and I did that a lot. Another thing that helped me a ton was to make jumps and jump them on my bike in all of my free time when I was a kid. There's something about physical activity that makes it easier to think a lot of the time. In any case, I had to get out of the habit I had when I was younger which would be to become so immersed in what I was thinking that I'd just stare. Sometimes I was staring at a person and sometimes I was staring at an embarrassing part of a person but I was literally in my thoughts so much that I wasn't even processing the information coming in from my eyes. What used to always happen to me is that some preppy person would ask me if I had a staring problem. Since I was a kid, I became defensive but I have learned throughout the years to just say yes and so what. If they're going to make me feel uncomfortable for no reason, I'm going to make them a little uncomfortable and confused if they're rude. Welcome to the club because I'm often uncomfortable and confused but being is human is thinking about things that throw you off what you had expected. Anyway, I find that it's easier to get into that contemplative state with some repetitive motion anyway. I like that you bounce a ball and I hope that you bounce it every time you feel like bouncing it. It's not just us autistics that should learn about other people but it's important for them to learn about us and all kinds of other people who think in a different way than they do. Humans are already stuck within our own perspective and, just like you would want to walk around something in order to observe its three dimensions, if you want to have a more complete perspective on life, since you can't just walk around anything, you have to talk to people who are seeing it from a different perspective. Think about how much more is represented in three dimensions versus two. That's how much is missing when people don't talk to people who see things differently than they do.
Biggest issue for me is expecting/wanting people to simply say what they mean and mean what they say. Yet this seems to be the hardest thing for NTs. That and they don't seem to be able to answer a simple yes/no question with a yes or no answer.| The one you mention about being judged but not told is a HUGE issue for work.
There's a lot I could say about the different ways people misunderstand me, and the amount of effort I put in to try to understand them (which I am very bad at). But I'm really just here to say that I find your bouncing the ball very soothing to hear, because I keep a few baseballs in my car and on days I'm feeling especially anxious I take one out and bounce it or spin it in my hands or toss it from one hand to the other to calm me down as I'm wandering about. So maybe I'm in the minority, but I'm really glad you bounce the ball.
As someone with NVLD, I feel like you did a very good job at explaining some of the everyday struggles, many of us neurodivergent people deal with on the daily. Really enjoyed your video!
One more thing... I recently had a revelation about human behavior that I think will help us all on the spectrum immensely and it will also help everyone else. That revelation is that nonverbal cues that people make at each other are not always conscious, voluntary actions because the person is afraid to just tell you what those nonverbal cues were meant to express. I'm embarrassed that I just realized this since I'm in the 40s and, since I just realized this, I'm uncertain as to the ratio of nonverbal cues where the person consciously knows what they would like to tell you with them versus nonverbal cues that are completely subconscious to the person and, despite potentially being able to detect if someone has responded to those cues, at the time they are give off those cues, they aren't aware of it. What this means is that, even if you inform people that you are autistic and you can't really pick up nonverbal cues and assuming you have someone who will accurately express all the nonverbal cues they are trying to give, there will be enough nonverbal cues that it tends to ruin relationships of a certain level of closeness. The person who was trying to verbally express what they would intentionally put out in nonverbal cues doesn't understand, even still, why you misunderstood some ones they were putting out without knowing it. This is why everyone can be perfectly aware of one another's needs and still have these misunderstandings and I don't know that even completely neurotypical people understand nonverbal cues well enough but it's not like anyone can express them verbally if they don't know they are expressing something. Just as I was writing this, I thought of something else too. Poker players and other people who try to tell if people are bluffing or lying often have these things called "tells," which are unconscious nonverbal cues that people put out when they are obfuscating. Okay now I feel really oblivious to life because now I really feel like I should have thought of the fact that sometimes people have nonverbal cues that they aren't conscious they are having. Well for fuck's sake! Anyway, these nonverbal cues that people don't know they have are a problem that I currently don't know how to solve.
I don't think it's something you can solve but you definitely can explore it for greater understanding with the person of interest. For instance, using a Gestalt technique mirrors the nonverbal behavior back to the person so they can see it and reflect on it. You do it by asking questions like, what is your tapping foot trying to say? I saw you frown for a second. I wonder what the thought behind that was. Consider the tells as silent voices speaking volumes and ask the person to verbalize each of them as you describe what you are seeing or hearing.
Paul, these tips are terrific but this will only work if the NTs are present and secure enough themselves to actually ask questions of you. I find that most people are judgemental. They remain quiet, move on, and just say or think you (the ND) is just weird or rude. Pretty sad
NT have many choices... If they can not understand you, they fear you or..if they misunderstand you, they hate you.. But mostly they will reject you cause they have choices... They say to be yourself but will want you to 'behave' in their way.....
Agreed. I hate to say this but most NT's are not interested, don't care, and won°t engage at all if given a choice. Also, most NT's are extremely resistant to any kind of mental work to accomodate. understand, or engage those who are divergent in ANY way. A good chunk of my job includes mediating, explaining, and negotiating difference. To top it off, I frequently encounter NT's who seem to think that laws of physics are negotiable!
I love your videos, they are great! I like that you show people what you need to do to process things. What i would most like to hear is a video talking about intimate relationships, communication and withdrawls/shutdown. Particularly if manipulation/passive aggressive strategies on the nd partners part is a staple communication style in order to achieve what they feel they need or to get what they want as opposed to what your currently discussing which is lovely straightforward open discussion. I think one of the biggest failings on a nt part however is forgetting, that nd's minds dont work quite the same way... that its not on purpose most times. And the longer youve known someone and the more you take your nt self out of the situation the more you can read them better and realise what your seeing is overwhelm or just confusion because that person while seemingly appearing to understand actually really doesnt, and theyre just trying to work out the appropriate response that will land them in the least amount of trouble. I always think of it this way.. the nd is like a windows computer and nt is linix.. they can talk but sometimes they have trouble understanding each other.. But i would truely love a video on that. And autism and parenting. And autism and coparenting.
After 48 years, I finally have an answer for people when I am asked "whats wrong with you?". I think I finally understand why everything is funny, and the more tired I get the funnier it is.
So something that happens to me alot, is people often assume I'm angry. I have a very monotone voice and my face is often expressionless. I do lots of deep breathing and some times I sigh, because I'm processing things. It often feels very accusatory, like your angry why? You shouldn't be angry, why are you? I tell them I'm not and then they always push it.. which makes me angry, and now they feel like I was always angry.. and just lying about it. To which they always attempt to find the root of it, and get angry with me when they can't. It's annoying and hurts 80% of my relationships.. I feel like this explains things I struggle to express, so thank you.
I am confused, raising one's voice is a common sign of anger. Especially during a conversation.. if this is a comparison, a deep breath would (in the same context) mean something similar. However, In mine I'm simply walking and now they've decided I'm angry about something. And need to push to figure out what it is.. Would you mind explaining the context of your statement?
An Aspie family member and I (NT) sometimes argue when I express an opinion, and he says I’m “wrong.” I’ve told him that he has every right to disagree with any number of things, but not about how another person feels. (For example, when I said that I was disappointed when I received something I had ordered, he argued that it wasn’t all that bad. I explained that I had paid for it and had had certain expectations, which weren’t met. One time, I said that we were arguing about OPINIONS, and he said that his “opinion” was “the truth.” He often acts as if he is “right.” I write to him about some contentious issues (because he can get quite worked up when we discuss something), and I try to choose non-critical wording, but he is rarely flexible. I wish I knew how to discuss things without his becoming angry or shutting me down, because I love him very much and would love to get along better.
"Smile, it's not that bad." How do you now? "You look like your dog died." I don't have a dog anymore. "Are you being sarcastic?" No, I'm speaking the literal truth. "Was that a joke?" Yes. "You're really funny. You should be a stand up comedian. You never smile or laugh when you tell a joke." No. "I always thought you wanted to kill me." Shrug
Good points on alone time and how NTs can misunderstand . I broke up with my BF about 2 years ago over it. I have ASD and on one day I was feeling very stressed and he was being grumpy and seemed angry over little things. this made me feel very anxious and then i got a bad tummy. so i felt i needed alone time. i went to my room to lay down . but what i did not know was that my BF thought i was ignoring him and so he got upset with me and in the end left my hy house feeling quite angry with me . at the time i felt i had done nothing wrong and did not understand why he was angry with me so we split up. since then i have been diagnosed with ASD and now understand that i was just having alone time and that he did not understand this . we are friends now but i still feel sad we broke up
The exact same thing happened to me about a year ago causing me & my bf to break up. Not long ago we were talking on the phone (still friends we have a 13yr old) & mentioned it.. He said he thought I was aggravated at him or that he done something I said no but I was wondering the same thing about him also at the time. Now we're both in different relationships too bad we couldn't have had the discussion sooner we used to be great at talking with each other..
Yup. This explains why me and my ex failed FANTASTICALLY. Too many assumptions made on both sides. She doesn't know she's Aspie (or lied about her knowledge). But most things you've mentioned she's demonstrated. And now this. No wonder we never got along, we literally were operating on two different frequencies the entire time 😔
With regards to physical stimulation as a means of facilitating mental processing, I understand where you are coming from. In school I was very squirmy and fidgety because I needed to be moving around. My teaches and peers would often assume I needed to be corrected and taught to sit still. It took me a while to catch on that what I was doing was really annoying others. After that I learned a coping strategy whereby I have a long list of different behaviors that I can rotate through without doing any one thing for a long period of time. I find that this for some reason seems to fly under the radar a bit more. It has saved my bacon more than once, allowing me to get that stimulation without having to explain myself to strangers.
I don’t too often misinterpret others anymore, but did as a child. I couldn’t tell if other kids were bullying me or making jokes. Now, at 21, I just get people misinterpreting me all the time, especially really caring and empathetic types. I get asked if I’m okay very often by anyone like that, because I generally appear unhappy no matter how I feel. I have an acquaintance that asks me if I’m okay with a concerned sort of expression every single time he sees me, even though we end up making decent conversation most of those times, if he catches me when I’m talkative. For my general bluntness and honesty, I have learned to just warn new people ahead of time that this is the way it’s going to be, and that it is objectively the fairest way for things to be, so don’t get hurt over it. I can’t do things another way.
I’m autistic, and sometimes I have trouble speaking at all. So when I don’t answer someone right away (or at all), people immediately assume I’m ignoring or neglecting them. When I tell them later that I was having issues with speaking, it’s like they don’t really believe me. Sometimes I really don’t care for NT’s. So often I feel I am twisting and contorting myself to make them comfortable, yet they will not return the favor even in a moment of distress. It’s hurtful. Not to mention people not listening when I’m screaming “NO TOUCH” in the middle of a meltdown and they crowd me anyway 🙃 My apologies. I’m just venting a bit. Love the videos and love the community.
I have had to learn to assume that people don't know when I am serious, joking, or sarcastic, especially when I say something ludicrous in a way that sounds really factual and straightforward people think that this is new information they are unaware of, and I have to tell them that I was going for a sarcastic "out there" response. People also tend to assume that I am down or sad when I am focused or thinking.
Oftentimes when I try to say something genuinely nice people think I am sarcastic and mean. This is quite unnerving.
And, when I'm sarcastic they think I'm serious.
I've always had this problem. I've learned you have to use very specific facial expressions and tone of voice to get the right reaction. Flatness of expression that we usually default to is typically attributed as sarcasm or a mean-spirited jab by neurotypicals.
@@aidaflores613 Man, you hit the nail on the head, Im either way ahead of them or I dont word it right
ugh how annoying huh?...And then they think your slight irritation from their misunderstanding your genuine thoughts and feelings is validation that what they initially thought was true. It's insanity. I'm sorry you go through this too. People without these issues go through these things too, don't feel so alone.
Its just the kind of society we live in no one is genuine.
"whats wrong" "Are you ok" " You look sad" apparently I look dead on the outside or look angry or mean and people interpret me wrong based on my static default expression.
I'm not here to judge you, (another fellow asd person here), I just wanna ask, if it's not too deep. Is it possible that there could be some hidden pain that you don't know is there?
I always used to force my eyebrows up in a sort of surprised expression so as not to come across too aggressive to people . I try not to do it anymore .
Man, do I hate that ok, sad look statement.
I smile at all times so people don't ask me that.
@@aidaflores613 me too, but the only time i didn't smile for a joke or something, they thought I didn't like it. But that wasn't the case
"You should open up more" "Let others see the real you" "Your so quiet/shy" "She's stuck up" "She's always to herself"... I'm so glad you've touched on this topic. These comments finally make sense now. Thank you Paul.
I'm not an aspie and I do the exact things based on your questions, I still have zero luck with friends so like whatever lol
KAspie I would like to see explanation of the first two of those quoted remarks, what do NT’s mean by it and what can one do about it. I have recently(-ish) completed a Tantra training of 18 months, where I received such comments from several people. I have ended up trying to relax somehow and looking without staring (?!) directly into one of their eyes (they don’t like me flickering between both eyes) and focusing midway between us. Sometimes in such encounters, scared or sad feelings come up and then (tantric) NT’s like to see me reacting to those / expressing them (because they generally feel I spend too much time thinking, not enough feeling, especially heart-based and then gut-based feeling). Sure I can dredge-up background feelings of grief over previous introverted/“wasted’ parts of my life, but maybe I’m getting a bit into “method acting” here? Unfortunately, method acting can take on a life of its own - “jamming” the “real me”. I honestly can’t tell what I am experiencing in such situations let alone who is the “real me”. Nor how I’m expected to be in such situations - they are unable to see the dilemma from my point of view let alone express in my language. Maybe to show (and explain) my “real Aspie”? But they tend to think I am faking that as a protective security layer. All this uncertainty certainly confuses me!!!. Can any Aspies here begin to provide any interpretations, suggestions, directions, answers (or links) ?
@@crawlinginfilm9683 That's a great question! I've been wondering as well so I just ask a NT out right...but then they tend to get annoyed by my questions and stop talking to me. I'd sift through this channel to learn more. And if not, hopefully Asperger's From the Inside might shed some more light on it in the near future?
omg yes,all of this
Same
A friend of mine literally said over the phone, "Don't tell anyone, I want this", when he rang me up during a suicide attempt (overdose of sleeping pills). I took what he said at face value, not realising it for the cry for help it was.
Thankfully, he was found and survived, but I nearly lost one of the best friends I've ever had. Only now, looking back with a diagnosis, do I finally understand why I did (or didn't do) what I did. In my own mind, I was respecting the wishes of my friend.
I would have thought the same as you.
I would have thought the same - and felt guilt ridden & to blame regardless of the outcome ..
I would have done the same more than likely. Glad he’s ok ❤️
It's sort of a double-bind/no-win situation. If they really don't want intervention and you call 911 to have them hospitalized, they will feel betrayed and might still ultimately do it. On the other hand, if you do nothing and they go through with it, you have have to live with the guilt.
Aww. :(
When I described to a friend what it's like to make a hundred calculations about all the various nuances of a simple social interaction, he was astounded.
It annoy the hell out of my mother and most of my therapist (the 100 calculation thing). Most of my friends understand since they do that out of anxiety or autism (or both).
"Boy you've sure thought about that _[ trivial thing ]_ a lot!"
Sure I guess.. if 2.5 seconds is 'a lot'..
4:38. “I don’t even have to do what I WANT to do.”
Boy, that is a revelation. I’ve never put that into words and I’ve never thought that was something that someone else experienced.
I also feel like radio silence and not being able to be seen by anyone is the only way I can reliably take the time to relax and pay attention to what I’m feeling.
Even things I am inspired to do and that I love doing are too much sometimes. Being alone and silent and unseen is the only way to recharge.
I've "expressed" these points to my family ad nauseam and they still misunderstand me. I've explain they shouldn't try to read between the lines- ever, because I don't write anything there. It's easier to just stay alone (although that upsets them too). 🤷🏾
Between how 2-faced people are, their use of coded language and assumption that you do as well --
(like how a girl saying "I'm fine" apparently is supposed to mean "I'm not fine but am unwilling to communicate why until you verbally "chase" me enough that I feel satisfied that I have the majority of your sincere care and concern and attention, so you'd better keep asking me until I share because if you don't that means yOu doN't LUv mE!!!)*
--communication is just so exhausting.
*It took me a while to figure out this is why guys just could not take me at my word that really I'm okay I just have a very intense concentration-face so quit asking me!!! Because they expected the same social-conversation game from me as from other girls they knew.
R MH exactly. I typically just say when something is bothering me, which makes some people perceive me as passive aggressive because I usually show very little emotion. That’s because I try not to talk when I’m actively experiencing anger.
@@iprobablyforgotsomething this is how people communicate not just girls and the reasons are much more complex than you think
@@BlazeXCl but like, what are they
@@iprobablyforgotsomething its custom to ask people how they are and the correct response is "I'm good thanks "So " Im fine" on the surface is polite. However,they hope someone knows them well enough to see theyre not fine. To keep asking isnt the correct response. Whats bothering you? Youre not fine ,talk to me. is the passphrase.
Your videos really help me understand where my aspie husband is coming from. Sometimes when we are having an issue he'll send an email (it's often easier for him to put his feelings in writing) with a link to one of your videos. I think NTs have to be willing to go the extra mile to learn about aspies if they want a relationship because aspies spend their whole lives trying to learn about NTs and how to behave in a NT dominated world. ;)
This is so true. Thank you for recognizing how much work goes the one way, and realizing how important it is for you to step toward him as well.
Hey, one of the best things in close relationships: regularly set aside "speak your heart time" with the other person when both just take turns to speak whatever comes to mind without fear and the other person must listen without judgement. This is very powerful.
My wife and I do this every night before bed. I like it because we are laying next to each other and eye contact is very hard when emotions are involved, but the physical closeness allow clues when I'm becoming overwhelmed or shutting down. She is the one that figured out that I unconsciously retreat from physical contact when I'm becoming overwhelmed, not me, but it makes total sense.
This kind of "thoughtless" "say whatever" exercise can be really stressful for some people potentially negating the benefits it could have had this especially true for "heavy scripters" and "brillant writers dat just caint talc rite"
@@bassgitter3929 just reading you comment about withdrawing from physical contact when overwhelmed........
I HATE physical contact 99% of the time, in any and all situations, but the 1% of the time I am the pinnacle of physical contact.......
Is strange but this is why my most important relationship failed.
I've only just realised after reading your comment.
I was the ultimate boyfriend/partner for 6 years.
Always there, always 'into the relationship"
I got overwhelmed due to trauma.
I withdrew and retreated inside myself.
I became aloof.
My partner started to think I was cheating.
No sex, no contact.
Very little conversation.
When i sleep, I can't help it, it's subconscious but I will follow someone around the bed and literally latch onto them and hold them all night.
I can't help it but I find women love that about me which is nice.
This changed.
I would actively (while asleep) run away from my partner, turn my back or shrug her off.
She would wake me to ask what was wrong?
I couldn't explain.
I would even go as far as to physically push her away during the night when she tried to comfort me.
I have always had very bad sleep and dreams.
It's a very strange feeling realising this.
And how it must of looked from her point of view.
It did look like I was cheating.
Or at the least had locked away the part of me that only she got.
Fuck.
I will carry this with me forward.
I can see this has created huge problems for me in my relationships since.
Thabkyou for sharing.
Seriously!!!
@@nicholaslandry6367 what are heavy scripters?
The bouncing was actually really nice :) It reminded me of how I talk and how diverting my hands and eyes to something else helps me to communicate better. Seeing someone else doing the same thing is almost therapeutic.
It's why I knit & talk sometimes. It helps me process.
I’ve spent so much time over my life choosing my words carefully and learning the subtext of each specific word so I don’t get read wrong. I overanalyze everything I say, and often prefer texting to talking because it gives me that extra time to think about exactly what I’m trying to convey and to use those specific words.
I feel so seen in this video lol
The difference between speech and typing is one thing I've noticed as well. My style of speech is goofy and dumbed down but I type in a much more formal structured way.
I can relate to this so much! I often tap my foot in order to process thought and was mortified when someone told me I was being impatient and rude... when I was just trying to understand the situation. One of my biggest miscommunication issues with NT people though is surrounding eye contact or rather lack there of. I try to give intermittent eye contact in order to not appear rude (now that I’m aware that’s a thing!) but often find it detracts from my ability to take in what’s actually being said... very fatiguing! Awesome vid. :)
Me too
When I was a kid I would do other stimming things- rock, talk to myself, rub my hands together- but people would treat me weird so I learned that if I was drumming quietly people just assumed I was hyperactive, which was much more tolerable apparently. That still works today 😄
I like side by side activities for talking. Like walking/ hiking, fishing, drawing, cooking, driving, etc so we can talk freely. Also, when I go out with my boyfriend, I sit beside him instead of across from him. I like that it's easier to hold hands.
I don't think I'm asbies, but I do have adhd... I'm more hyper aware of what happening & notice when someone is more open (sharing more about themselves) and relax. I've noticed this even with NT people. Even for them, it's sometimes easier to have good conversation when we're not looking at each other.
I heard other Aspies saying that it's less tiring to Look between the eyes or at the nose instead, might want to try that?
What I find very refreshing about your videos is that you find the exact right words to describe emotional states that are only felt by some. I always struggle to name feelings or describe reasons for my actions. All I know is that without 'my' time I feel low and cranky, etc. Also, you made some great points about simply having no hidden agenda when doing or saying something, it's that's simple. Thanks for this channel
If you want the "alone time" to sound less hurtful to the other person: Rather than focusing on the concept of separating from them, you might say what you wish to be present WITH that you can't be otherwise. "I need to spend time with my own energy right now." / "I need to spend time with me right now (because when I'm around other people, the me that I need to be with goes away)."
great suggestion. sometime small tweaks in language can make a big difference
I tell my sister or my boyfriend that I need ‘shutdown time’ if I need to be alone. I say ‘I need to go mute for a while but I still want you here’ if I need them around when I’m stressed.
Please don't make excuses to make them more comfortable. If you want to be alone, Tell them, then go do YOU.
I always say "My social battery is on empty. I need a bit of time to recharge", so far no complaints!
Or you could say you have to leave early because you're feel tired.
My son, 13, also tends to focus and converse best when he can be doing something else with his hands/brain. We have some of our best conversations when he's got a Switch in his hand and he's playing a game. The problem is in school, the expectation is sit in your chair and do what everyone is doing - and this is such BS and does not help my son at all. In school meetings, I've suggested the breaks he needs and I got push back from certain teachers - like WTH. It's all frustrating and I find such peace and help in watching your videos. My son's mood is often misunderstood as well - and I used to be guilty of misreading - until I LEARNED! Thank you a million times!
You're welcome! :)
My major professor in grad school would hand me alligator clip to play with when I came to talk with him. He knew I was a fidgeter. Very nice guy. In high school I doodled constantly; I suppose that's fidgeting too, but it helped me calmly absorb what the teacher was saying. Some of those doodles were damn good, too.
@@steveneardley7541 What a nice little gesture of support.
Ahh teachers, some can be fantastic intuitively knowing how to work with us to let us thrive then there are those that can destroy our interest in anything school related. My first and second grade teachers were fantastic allowing me to sit in back of the class, turn my desk (heavy combined seat and desk) to look out the window while listening and stimming then using a cue to let us know she was demonstrating something on the blackboard. Stimming, I bounce my right leg - if I was shaking the whole desk then there was the mystery note on rainy/snowy days to deliver to the principal and bring back an answer or on better days chalk board erasures to pound outdoors on the wall. Third grade was a nightmare of sitting in front of the class often being forced to at least have my face pointed towards the teacher even if my eyes wandered around - I learned to hate school and switched to just doing enough to pass. ASD/Aspergers, ADHD (2e), and dyslexic - I largely taught myself to read by syllables but now in my 60's I sometimes miss-read larger words often with to me funny results but realizing I need to re-read the sentence to get the true intent. In 8th grade I ran into my 1st grade teacher, she asked about all my brothers even though she did not teach them and mentioned that my great uncle was a challenge to teach (very hyperactive ADHD) compared to myself.
Drawing is an easy alternative during class
You may have perfectly encapsulated (in a good way) the essence of why alone time is important!
"I don't have to do anything."
More people should try not having to do anything or even just doing nothing! This is an excellent statement you have made here, I think. Thank you!
"Doing nothing" makes the bad thoughts and inner critic take center stage, and most people are mentally prepared to deal with that. They spend their entire lives running away from themselves.
Being open and direct is my problem. I tend to trust by default, on my own assumptions that people don't usually have agendas. But people do, their baseline default thinking is everyone has an agenda. So my communication style is straightforward and accurate, with the hope to save time and miscommunication and being genuine but NT take it as if I'm being offensive even though I ALWAYS make sure I replay the sentence in my mind before speaking them so that I'd take into considerations NT's feelings. I end up over-analyzing and go into paralysis. Shut off.
Soi Journey....exactly!!!
@@MB-pf7gv I just copy what neurotypicals do, eg, my family members who are skilled in social conversations. Through observations of what most people do, smile more, be polite even when being straightforward. I actually calculate risks before opening my mouth because the society I live in has a high regard for traditional rules so if I conclude that it's not worth speaking about something I just don't, based on my past experiences. Through decades of observations and failed experiments, I've learned a lot about human psychology and have learned to be like NTs. One will never know I'm on the spectrum. Sorry, I have no easy solution, it's all based on observations and practice. In time I've learned to say what I want to say anyway using soft polite tones, add in some feminine touch (like smiles, and things NT females do) because that's what works. Also, actually small talks that NTs engage in is a good place to practice. It is like a warm up to open up conversations. I am still direct but not as blunt as I used to be.
Nana I'm finding your comment super intresting. Could you add some insight what you mean by going into paralysis?
It took me decades to finally realize- EVERYONE has an agenda they're hiding. Even my own mother makes assumptions and plays passive-aggressive games. It doesn't matter how much you explain to NTs how lacking you are in "motives", and that there really isn't anything to read between the lines with you, they will ALWAYS assign *something* to your actions/words/behaviour. People are weak, they stick with what they know, and if they exist in the NT social world, they are used to reading multiple layers of motives and meanings with every interaction. They will automatically do it with you, and continue to do it even after you explain to them that you truly are just a face-value person. That concept of being simple, straightforward, honest, and non-manipulative is so foreign to them that they assume you must be lying, and there's "something in it for you" to convince them of it. Then they will operate toward you as if you are some sort of wildcard threat because they can't figure out "what you want".
However, if you realize that that's what their minds are doing, then you have a better chance at coming out of an interaction unscathed.
Oh, and you also need to grow a thick skin, because you will constantly be called stubborn, lazy, selfish, aggressive, loud, inappropriate, rude, intolerant, oversensitive, picky, and a drama-queen. Not because you are any of those things, but because when an NT exhibits any behaviour similar to whatever you're doing at the moment, it's because THEY are those things.
I was 52 years, 10 months old when I was finally convinced that NTs have agendas. I had no idea. I seriously thought that "hidden agenda" was just a TV trope.
this has been helpful to me. I'm in my 50's now, and have led a difficult life due to misunderstandings and the general NT opinion that I'm arrogant or too direct, but as you've said I never knew I'd been judged until I recognized I was alone and people avoided me. I've been told my resting expression is vacant, which can be offputting, and I've (don't laugh) studied facial expressions of others my entire life. the ball doesn't bother me, I get it. I've listened to ambient, repetitive-beat music my entire life, and tend to always have ear buds in - furthering the illusion that I'm aloof. I enjoy your videos. Cheers
Thanking someone for an invite, turning them down and suggesting another invite in the future just doesn't work in my experience. NT's will still take offence, the reason is complicated and annoying;
NT's hide their true feelings behind a curtain of social grace which can be extrapolated in real time by other NT's. If an NT were to turn someone down for an invite with no apparent good reason for doing so then another NT would consider it to be a rejection, even if the curtain of social grace "so sorry, perhaps some other time" is still erected. What's more interesting is that they often make this same determination even if a reasonable excuse is presented, such as explaining that you are on the spectrum and your need for alone time. They will smile politely, claim to understand and never invite you to anything ever again.
The never invite you again thing could also be an assumption made by you having autism, and gets interpreted as you never wanting to go (due to not liking crouds). One solution could be, saying you can't because your busy. Maby even use words like "I wish I could". I think nurotypicals use White lies to avoid the need to explain things.
When My aspire BF can’t accept an invitation to something I’ve asked him to come to he always starts with “I’d love to but....” and goes into why he can’t & then always offers another time. As an NT I appreciate this sooooo much & find it so transparent & honest. That’s what I love about him. He is always always direct and honest. Us NTs get so caught up in assumptions and reading between the lines etc. my aspie has helped me personally with my trust issues because he always follows through & he tells me the truth.
That's because it is a rejection. If one person is always the invitation extender, and doesn't get a response in the form of accepting the invitation or a counter offer (like 'oh, I can't, I'm always exhausted on Friday. Want to come over for a walk on Monday?') it hurts too much to keep inviting.
I know that many don't think of it like that, they assume that the invitation extender will be relieved to have reinforced "this relationship is important to me" but still not have to go out and use energy being social. So they don't feel the need to be extra kind when rejecting an invitation, and even say "please keep inviting me".
But that's not how it comes across to everyone. For some, it sounds more like a "I acknowledge that you would like to spend time with me and are making me a priority. However, I am not going to make it a priority for me. Please keep me as a high priority in your life, and I will see how I feel about your importance to me as I go about my life." It's possible to keep inviting them for a while, especially if you see that they are truly overwhelmed and it's not that you're a *low* priority, it's more like they've got a lot of high priority items to manage. After a while, though, it's less painful to put them as a much lower priority for the time being, to match how it feels like they see the relationship.
@narkfestmojo -
^ THIS. This is truth.
(ADHD here, not certain where I would fall as NT/ND but...*shrug*) It feels like properly padding the refusal of an offer is simply nuanced and delicate. I'm not sure that some one "way that NTs will respond to rejection" could be deciphered or codified. People are varied and complex, and have wildly different levels and kinds of perception, expectations, sensitivities, etc; how anyone will react is dependent on many factors, internal and external. As an internal example, some people may accept your choice to do something else, and just resolve to invite you along another time, while others (like me) may have some particular reservation about asking another time such as seeming desperate or overeager, or they may be of the mindset that the next move is now yours to make. Looking externally, the timing and nature of the activity in question also affect both how your response is taken, and how the impression that your response leaves will affect future invitations. Maybe they have every intention to invite you along "next time", but the appropriate next time conditions haven't occurred; they haven't been free, you haven't been free, a similar occasion has yet to arise, yada yada...
TL;DR: People, NTs and NDs, likely just have too much dimensionality, and human social interaction too many intricacies, for our behaviors in a situation like this fit into a "we react like X, and they react like Y" paradigm
Ball bouncing doesn't distract me, after awhile you become habituated to it, like a fan in the background. I'm here for the knowledge yoy always have amazing insight that makes living life more free and less their way.
I went through a period where I would aggressively question people I wasn't understanding: "What do you mean? You are suggesting something, but I'm not sure what it is." I knew this was annoying behavior, but in the end it made me less socially paranoid, because I got a better idea of what I was understanding correctly, and what I was misunderstanding or exaggerating. I became more confident in my ability to read conversational signals because I demanded confirmation or denial of my interpretations. I didn't do this for a very long period--maybe a half a year--but the long-term effect was to increase my confidence in social situations. I know this isn't for everyone, but it worked for me.
Getting comfortable asking clarifying questions can be huge. “I’m not sure what you mean.” Or “could you repeat that?” Even can cause people to reconsider if their initial communication was efficient/clear.
"Deliberately check your assumptions". So simple. So useful. And yet so seldom followed.
I love the ball bouncing. Makes me think of Dr. House.
I love House M.D.!
He kind of looks like a young, Australian dr. House, imo
There's a universal valid excuse for going "to the rest room" (for a "fluid adjustment"), and there used to be a similar excuse for a cigarette break.. So we should be able to extend that idea to have "recharge time" for Aspies... we aren't "alone" as such during that very necessary quiet time, as much as we are "recharging" and getting ready to be pleasant for upcoming interactions...
now you're exaggerating
@@Angry-Lynx No, I'm not. As a child I was given "time out" and could come back when I was ready "to be reasonable". As an adult, the choice is take a break, or leave completely.
@@Angry-Lynx Nope. I'm with Meg Nakano on this. At times I just need 2-5mins out and why should I have to lie about needing to go to the toilet just to regather myself. Why can't I just say (and take) this time to recenter?
@@marioncrowther340 because now youre making youself 'different'. I try the best to not be diff or at least be perceived as.
@@Angry-Lynx Spending your whole life trying to fit in is exhausting. I've had enough of making excuses so as to not offend people. If they can't accept who you are- differences and all- then they aren't worth the effort.
Alone time is not just for the non NT, Me as an empath need to retreat regularly to unload, unwind and recharge. Also this is needed for me to gain insights.
I ask my husband that a lot.. "Are you ok?" "What's wrong?" One person saw a photo of me and him and commented: "Mr Lambrou is dead inside" Hubby was diagnosed at 3 1/2 yrs old in Australia. We now live in Sweden. He only found out 8 years ago, his mother has hid it from him. I myself have ME/CFS and fibromyalgia so we are quite recluse... Neighbours have started talking about us that we are odd and hermits. We live in a house in the countryside that's been divided into 4 apartments so what we do or don't do is quite noticable. We hear things like: "You shouldn't keep your curtains close" (we live on the bortom floor and hubby hates when people can see in) " You should hang plants and decorations in the windows so it looks more alive..." We both prefer to take it easy, read and snuggle our cats. 😊 What do you say to people that give ud/or hubby advice to live more "normally". We've know each other for 18 years, irl and married over 13 years. Hubby is odd at times but I accept who he is and love him madly. 😍
Correction: tried editing... "his mother hid it from him." " people who want to give advice"
Ahh, there is a thing which is relatable. Life can get interesting being both aspie _and_ having FM and CFS/ME. That, _"You should hang plants and ..."_ brings to mind that sometimes when frustrated I can get snarky and say things like, "Ya know, you are right, I am wrong for not living my life to your standards."
@@scottfw7169 it's better now since I wrote that. We have moved to a bigger place on the second floor. Haha! More people live here even if it still in the countryside. Now the new problem is that neighbors are curious about us and everybody asks what hubby does for a living. He hates that. Because he does nothing. His motivation to do anything else, except sort things, is zero... Which is ok by me. Then he is home taking care of me. Sometimes we say that he is my carer... Since I often use a wheekchair outdoors people believe it. Lol
@@carrolam6988 I think people ask about a person's career because they want to know what they are looking for something they have in common to start a conversation. So, if they did a similar thing, or would have taken similar classes in college, or they know someone else who does the same thing and could share a story they heard from them, etc. Also, some people are constantly networking and seeing how they can help you or themselves or a friend, like give business your way, or they have a friend looking for work, or they might be able to do work for the company you work for, or if they have a charity event they might ask for something, or even being curious/ nosey about the other's income... I live in a suburb of Washington DC, so "what do you do?" Is a very common question at the start of a conversation. I've done a lot of thinking about why when that is one of the least important things about me.
I talk to people all the time when I'm out and about. I ginuwinely believe that most people just don't know what else to talk about, so that's the 1st thing that pops in their head to get a conversation going. NT people struggle with making friends too. From what you've mentioned, it sounds like you have friendly neighbors.
I try to ask about where they're from since very few people are from here, or what they like to do for fun/ hobbies.
As far as people giving unsolicited advice, a lot of people talk without a filter and are just trying to make conversation or they really do think something would like nice or be helpful.
So like telling you that you need plants and to open up the blinds, they just know those things make them feel better in their own homes.. I know it does for me. Except the plants. I forget to water them. I do have one fake plant and I want to get more.
I hate it when people don't get my sarcasm or jokes .
Although, often people will laugh when I'm not telling a joke . It's still nice to get a laugh .
In a previous job I had to stop my dry, sarcasticish comments because someone was always getting offended. It was kind of my way of communicating in an NT environment and so I ended up just being quiet. I thought I was 'coming out of my shell' and fitting in with the banter of others, but no, it had to stop.
I get that often too, Sometimes they think Im being mean, when Imm just playing
People often say I have a great sense of humor. This never ceases to confuse me.
@@NoiseDay
That's great...keep it that way...if they like it...
Same for me.
Ive been watching your videos a lot over the past week. I had an issue with my partner and decided to do some aspie soul-searching to better understand where Im coming from and how I can communicate that with my NT partner. You've been a great help. I love your method of explanation, your kindness and openness, and your exhaustive approach. As an aspie academic I appreciate people who can articulate their points clearly, and without leaving people behind by being too show-offy with their approach.
You're welcome! Thanks for the comment :)
Ahhhh!!!!! Soooo relatable!!! My NT friends stopped inviting me to anything social because after i had quite a lot of physical health issues & multiple surgeries I had a long period of being a recluse. I'm finally getting back on the up & up & everyone seems to have forgotten me. In their defense, I had a coma, then cancer, then 13+ surgeries including brain & spinal surgeries lasting the span of 6yrs. They were around for the scary near death stuff, now I feel pretty alone. It's weird. I know i should put myself out there & I'd see I still have friends, but i over analyze so much I end up talking myself out of it every time. Sorry to vent, but it's easier to talk to strangers..
Natosha Nichole
i can’t imagine what it was like to make it through everything that you’ve been through. but i sure could not believe that you made it through all of that to be alone & lonely. i sure hope that you reconnect with good friends or make new ones who won’t forget you, even when you need to be reclusive. ✨💜✨
similar story here. hugs.
People without these issues go through the same thing...Sometimes we come in a point in our life where we find out who our real friends are. Not saying that all of your friends aren't your friends, they're just not the best of friends, you know?
What a miracle you are!?! 🙏🏻 God is Soo good!! I pray you come out of your shell and find good friends that will check up on you even on your down time. We all need to find those friends.😘💞🤗
Natosha Nichole
Invite one/a few for coffee as a gentle 'reminder' that 'Hey!!'....I'm still here....see if it works
Often while im proccessing, im oblivious to where my eyes are pointed. This has created this misunderstanding that im deliberately staring at someone or staring at something, when i was lost in thought. Frequently ive been asked in a hostile tone if i have a staring problem to which ive learned to reply with 'yes'. This seems to surprise people, and slightly de-esculate their hostility.
I used to get that a lot as well. My work around was to find an object to focus on. It wasn't so easy when I was young, but with the invention of the smart phone no one seems to mind when I'm "zoning out"... unless it's because I'm actively engaged in something and not hearing what they are saying to me
5-star reply!!!
I’ve done exactly that my whole life and been spoken to the same way. My only solutions was to divert my eyes, but sometimes the NT doesn’t like that either.
An Aspie friend of mine got dumped by his girlfriend when he did this because she thought he as checking out other women.
I absolutely love that you said "yes" in that situation which led to a de-escalation. I utilize that same sort of thing when dealing with people misunderstanding me or my actions
I have had this issue constantly with my wife. When I wake up in the morning, before I am awake enough to emote properly, my wife thinks I am angry or depressed. I have a somewhat deep baritone voice, which typically bears the same amount of expression as my face when I wake up.
She used to tell me how grumpy I am, or that I have RAF (resting a$$#o!e face) when I actually was feeling pretty good. That would occasionally spiral when I would get tired of it, which I did not help by saying something like "I was feeling fine until you assumed I wasn't".
I'm glad that our trust in each other has helped us both to understand that she wasn't saying it to make me feel bad, and I wasn't doing it because I was in a bad mood.
Thank you again for your series, it's been like a light bulb turning on and I appreciate you sharing tools to help me better translate what is happening on the inside to the outside.
Well put. I've often found it hard work having to explain myself, saying in so many ways - it's not personal! Plus being judged (wrongly) on a completely false reading of something my face did!
God, its no wonder aspies spend a lot of time on their own. And it really does cause problems in close relationships.
Ive gotta admire how you stick to these awareness videos.
You seem to be doing well
These are things I’ve been dealing with all my life, which I’m now finally understanding after my ASD diagnosis. My husband and I had many misunderstandings our first two or three years together, mainly because I have to have alone time or I’ll shut down completely. People I work with have told me that they never know if I’m being serious or if I’m being sarcastic. I’ve never known why I don’t express emotions when I speak, but I’m starting to understand and it’s allowing me to modify my speech and body language so that others can understand what I’m expressing.
The hardest one for me is saying inappropriate things in emotionally challenging circumstances. A friend told me her grandmother died, and instead of expressing my condolences, I said something about how that happens to people when they’re really old. I had no idea why I said it. I was mortified by my behavior. I later apologized, saying that I had been having a bad day, although the truth was that I do that sort of thing a lot when I find myself in an emotionally challenging situation.
I love the ball bouncing. I can’t follow along when someone speaks with a lot of hesitations or “ums”, thats all my brain starts picking up and I completely lose what they’re saying. You speak very clearly and succinctly and the ball totally doesn’t matter.
Totally agree 👆🏻
You're such an amazing person ☺. Stay awesome!
Thanks :)
Yep. A psychologist went bat crap crazy at me the other day and accused me of "game playing" and so she said she would not be continuing with the conversation. I was not "game playing". I was trying to make myself a bit of emotional space without having to end the session early. I just wanted to back off the indepth bit without having to explain why i was doing it because at the time i wasnt quite sure what was actually going on for me. But i wasnt and infact dont "play games" Her assumtion hurt me badly.
That sounds terrible! Mine have all just diagnosed me as Bipolar and now ADHD, mostly because no one where I live even knows how to deal with Adults with ASD. Especially High-functioning. One did get mad because I was on my phone while talking to him. Sometimes I just need to do two things at once. 🤷🏾♀️ I don't understand the problem. There may (emphasis on "maybe") one program for "disabled" that might be able to give a correct diagnosis but, it's DC. I doubt it.
I really hope you find a good (different) psychologist who is a lot more educated in Asperger's
Finding a therapist who has a lot of experience with those with autism has helped me greatly
It doesn't sound like a good therapist 😣 And doesn't matter whether they know anything about Asperger's, that's not an excuse saying that to your patient. It sounds like she was the one playing games.
I don't play games either. Most people are complete morons. NT's especially.
I self diagnosed a month ago.
In my childhood i had a clique and they did a very good job. They told me, they want me to go now because they have to recover from me anoying them... I completely got that, i spoke soo much too much, i was very fine with that. They loved me and i love honest people! Other people pretend to be fine with me and never called again
I’m finding all your videos informing. It is helping me understand why my son may act the way he does and how to support him. He was never formally diagnosed. But he has all the characteristics of it. He’s in his 20s now.
Formal diagnosis or not, we can still learn to understand another's behaviour. Sometimes the most effective supports are also the simplest.
Thankyou again. I’m finally getting some answers as why for example that his expressions may not change or him needing time alone , his difficulties in social situations, his focus on narrow interests, etc. 👍
Make him aware. Being aware of being aspie is half the success imo. I wish I knew about it earlier.
NTs usually "read" me as either sad, meek, or antagonistic. Granted, I'm pretty often the latter, but usually not at the times I'm attributed that quality.
I just wanna say I like to see you move and play with the ball while making your videos. It's the perfect example how fidgets and stims can help NDs do things and how they don't distract us or are childish nonsense.
Common misunderstandings I have are usually people assuming I know something about them I don't (me telling a story and they are offended, assuming I was hinting at something?) and also that I am in a bad mood because my default expression looks "grumpy". I do a lot of fake smiling if I remember to but I forget to smile once I am in a serious topic, especially at work.
We set up a play room in the spare bedroom and this has provided the needed space for alone time which takes the pressure off the shared spaces. It is still a shared space but there are no expectations other than mutual respect. We can do our seperate special interest or relaxation activities any time and its an escape room from the rest of the house. We can adjust the sound and light and there is an exercise matt a bean bag chair. Im so glad i took your emotional intelligence couse last year because im sure using it now!
Great to hear!
You explained this so eloquently. It’s been a difficult journey trying to figure out what other people need because NT’s aren’t as direct. I find this so hard to deal with -then over analyzing everything ☺️
it is because of your videos that all the pieces to the puzzle made sense and I finally got my official diagnosis. Thank you. I spend most of my free time alone in my art studio as I have always done. I even turned down going to a concert last minute last night to stay in my art studio making rosary boxes. I have heard "what's wrong with you?" my entire life. And the moms in my sons' school were complete A-holes and would exclude me out of everything. And the most recent annoyance that a friend of mine keeps saying is- "turn that brain off of yours" and the person gets mad at me. The video that really hit home was about "wrong planet."
Thank you for your channel Paul! It makes me feel less alone (especially on a day like today, when I failed to understand a coworker's sarcasm at work).
And just wanted to say that I tell him he is special, unique and adorable. He also was not diagnosed as a child but was treated appaulingly as his family thought he was 'naughty, badly behaved' etc etc. I have been told that it's not my problem but it is as I love him and want him to be as happy as he can be with me. 💕🐾
A great video. Although we struggle to read other people, which is well documented, we do learn certain things over time. Whats less understood is NT's mis reading us. Ive experianced it a lot at work. Im often perceived as being rude. Whilst working in retail, I often heard colleagues complaining that certain customers, who I knew to be ASD were very rude. I always tried to explain, some folk get it others just don't.
Oh, you're always so much help, Paul...
I don't even know where to begin... Usually, people just make assumptions, or inferences about what I say... Sometimes it feels horrible when I'm putting so much effort in making myself extra clear, and people do that... If I'm "lucky", that usually leads to a long (really long, and therefore really annoying) discussion and me spending lots of energy trying to explain myself ("I said exactly what I wanted to say...", "No, there's no second intention...", "No, I was not talking about anything else other than what I mentioned...", "No, I was not trying to be rude...", and a long etcetera).
I really wish your content could be found in Spanish too, so, if you ever need help with translation to or from Spanish regarding your wonderful work here, please, count on me.
I look angry even when happy and I truly hate when people reminds me of it.
I highly suspect my now ex has Aspergers. Only thing is, I was being needy thinking he didn't want me, and he ghosted me. I just wish he had told me so I'd understand. I really love him, and would have learned to understand. Your videos are helpful. Thank you :)
You're not missing out on anything. It's the worst thing that you could ever do, be in a relationship with someone with aspegers. Trust me. I'm in it.
@@msjulie3613 you're a terrible person, maybe you should just break up with them if you think they're the worst.
Thank you forever! I am struggling through the process of explaining my Austin experience with my family. You hit the nail on the head in all three examples. Thank you so very much!
This video was very useful! I don't have Asperger, but I have this kind of bad communication with my friend who has Asperger and my partner (who I starting to suspect that he has Asperger). At first, it was difficult for me to learn how to "read them", for example, my friend can be really "dry," like the person that was described in this video, emotionless and sarcastic, so, I was never sure if her statements where serious or not, even so, her comments always made me laugh because they were genuinely funny and I suck at hiding my emotions, so most of the time I laughed. Luckily for me, she was being sarcastic, otherwise, we wouldn't be friends. With my partner it is a little different, he can be inexpressive and most of the time he seems bored, besides, his voice tone does not change much. He always needs some time alone, something that has been the most difficult situation I have had to adapt myself (still working on it). With time, I've learned to ask them if I was right or if I misinterpreted them, this has been very useful. I also learned that write my worries on a paper for them to read, is a good strategy for avoiding conflict, especially with my partner who gets extremely uncomfortable if we talk directly about my concerns. Writing my worries allows me to think more deeply about my emotions and express them correctly while using a neutral language. This way he doesn't get anxious and he can read them in his alone time. I´ve to admit is hard work, for them and for me, but it really worth it.
Mariana L. Núñez ☺️🥰 Love the effort you’re putting in for the people you care about. Dating an Aspie is so confusing, especially when neither of you knew the reason for the odd communication issues. Once you find count, it’s like getting a second chance at life.
I find that written conversations with someone is often easier than verbal ones, for the reasons you described.
Writing down your concerns seems like an excellent idea. Perhaps you could encourage him to do the same, so it feels less one-sided for both of you?
Exactly. Just because I want alone time now doesn’t mean I need to be alone later. It was similar when I was going through cancer treatments. Just because I’m too unwell to go out now, doesn’t mean I will be too unwell later. In both cases, very appreciate being asked out and since it is very hard for me to feel well enough with both my emotional state and health state then it’s actually better to ask me more often, not less often.
I've had folks break down crying because I misunderstood social cues from them and I was always completely thrown off by such a reaction. They'd say something like , I hurt their feelings by thinking of them wrong 🙄 instead of simply explaining. So many people lack patience and understanding .
I've been having a great time and people have asked me if I'm upset or okay.
When I tell the truth, nobody believes me. When I lie, everyone believes me.
If I'm just speaking normally, people think I'm being rude or sarcastic. When I'm sarcastic, they take me literally.
Great vids as usual. Always very clear and good communication for us NT's.
Your channel is so good, been watching you a lot lately . Thank you , it’s really helping 🙏
This channel and other asperger's RUclips channels, have helped me the most so far.
I watch videos like this guy and it's like someone truly understands me.
👍👍
Yes! The last thing especially. Exactly that have ruined my jobsituation more than once. I even started telling them "Please, if there is anything you find odd or otherwise confuse you, ASK ME!" but they still don't.. Really frustating (not an aspie but on the spectrum)
Thanks for sharing this with us, Paul. Thanks for being so helpful and you. Great video as always... 👍🦋
One thing that really irks me is that NTs, especially managers, tend to just disregard any attempt to educate them on Autism and it is incredibly frustrating.
I enjoy your well-maintained clarity and systematic approach! Thank you for that precious input 🎆
Can't tell you how accurate this description is. Thank you for articulating the details, as I couldn't find the words.
Wish you'd cover how we're treated in shops and supermarkets.I always return from town traumatised from my encounters with shop staff and public alike.Luckily,my pets help dissipate the hurt and rage.
Richard I can relate strongly to this! Many of my friends post comments how bad self serve checkouts are, but I find the ability to do shopping uninterrupted and get out of there quickly, with minimal social interaction such a relief, and almost empowering, if that makes sense?!?
Laura,If it were not for my dog and kitten,I'd have gone insane by now.I too use the self-service check-outs wherever possible.I find that my car shuts 'them' out too.I used to cycle,but a car really is a defensive shield against hurtful NT's.
I feel you...I've quit big shops because sometimes the shopkeepers even think I want to steal stuff and they ask me things in a creepy way, since I walk quickly with a confused expression due to the loud music and the awful smells. This assumption makes me suffer so much! Moreover I live in a town in which if you don't go every day to the same shop the shopkeepers ignore you or are extremely paranoid...fun thing, I work as a receptionist now and nobody has complained till now about my behaviour....the interaction with our clients, who belong to a niche, gives me back the good mood I lose when I go shopping for myself...
I hate going anywhere ( shop,library,etc) more than about 2 - 3 times.Ideally,I'd be on the move constantly so I never have to visit the same place twice and risk becoming 'known'.I know what you mean about feeling 'normal' and coming across as normal in the work place then reverting to autistic behaviours in shops,etc.
So youre saying that asperger is closely related to social anxiety?
This was extremely useful. Thank you for making this video.
You're welcome!
So loving all of your videos! You so brilliantly articulate and help me understand my own experience. Thank you!
Thanks, so helpful. As I look back I see that the need for ‘me-time’ that was not respected, led to my marriage breakdown.
Wow! You hit the nail on the head! Thank you for your videos.
I totally forgot to say how refreshing it is to see someone bouncing a ball, for instance, while speaking. I'd probably do something like tapping fingers. You don't need to explain it either. Its great! I reckon many people would do some thing like that while speaking in public, if they allowed themselves. I find myself trying to see the ball hitting the ground but its off camera. No worries, as long as it makes it back up!
It is disturbing for me on the other hand.
I basically didn't have real friends back in highschool because of my "alone time". Some days I could talk for the whole day with the person sitting beside me in class, but the other day even the voice of them would stress me, so I would go mute, or in any opportunity I would sit with another person. But it was not personal.
Finally in my senior year, the person that started sitting beside me, after some discussions, one day told me, "I got used to you, I know when you don't wanna talk and when you want to, and I respect that" and I got really happy that day.
I noticed I also have to process what people say lol... I just keep asking for clarification.
I'm glad I never learned to stop asking questions.
Yeah. I don’t understand jokes.
I do the same, and I don't feel self-conscious about it either. I used to be super aggressive about asking for clarification, but now I do it in a more neutral, curious way, and that's received better. Once I had figured out a bunch of different types of situations, I would go into the next situation with a better initial reading. I'm pretty good at it now, and don't have to ask as many questions.
Thank you so much for bouncing the ball, it helped me understand why it helps me to play with something physically while I’m trying to think. Like you, I learned this about myself late in life and it’s kind of a mind job. Your channel is really helping me.
I am so glad you said that. That's how I feel all the time and I even say this. But I still get misunderstood. Wow finally someone who understands
I have been trying to communicate these things to my family and friends of late (especially the last point you made) and don’t seem to be making much sense, so thank you for explaining it so well, I’ll have to send them the link to this video. I’ve only just recently stumbled upon your channel Paul and have found it so very helpful. Thanks for doing what you do to help understanding for those on the spectrum as well as giving more clarity to NT’s.
Oh wow. I am NT, my boyfriend is Aspie. Man, there is so, so much that I don't appreciate to the point where I just want to walk away. I am trying my best but there are definitely challenges that I truly don't know if we will ever overcome. 💕🐾
For me, I do my best to always explain my actions and be apologetic and helpful to NTs. Such as, if I'm at a park doing something and someone comes along to do an activity near me, I assess what it is they are doing (are they setting up a picnic, are they reading, etc), and if I think what I'm doing will interrupt the other person, I will let them know "Hey, I'm doing such and such here, I'm not sure if that will disrupt you." so that we don't get into that situation where I don't warn them and they later get annoyed and think I'm "being annoying" on purpose as a retaliation for them having shown up in my space (that's never the case). I don't mind them being near me, but I want to avoid them making assumptions later.
The problem is that no matter how well I'm masking and being as polite as I can, it sometimes doesn't work, they see me saying that as a manipulation to get them to move, even if I have said "I don't mind, but you might be bothered by what I'm doing" or whatever. I can see no clear answer as to why this sometimes fails. A friend suggested that it's possible that even though I'm being polite and masking, I'm doing it in a more masculine way, while looking feminine. Some NTs seems to read masculine masking as rudeness when it comes from a feminine person. I see no way around this because while I can mask and be polite and helpful, I can't force myself to use the overly flowery language some NTs want out of feminine looking people (it's too exhausting and anxiety inducing for me to mask feminine).
At 1:00 one thing I notice, if I have that kind of missunderstanding, and I tell someone they are missunderstanding me, there response is, "no, you misscomunicated". I've been taught that saying it the way I did points the blame at the other person. (Not meaning to sound blunt)
Try using "I" messages, describing how you're experiencing another person's behavior or response. Ex: "I don't think you're getting what I'm trying to say." "I'm getting the sense that..." "Am I confusing you?"
Oh the invite out got me. In my 20's I had to cancel plans so many times. It was always a case of wanting to go out but often when the time came I was exhausted, had a bad day or whatever and then just needed me time. Unfortunately my social groups started drying up because of my lack of attendance. In retrospect i didn't know I was aspie back then, so to be kind to myself, I couldn't have handled it any differently.
I will, with the ball bouncing, I am impressed by how well you do that. I used to throw a tennis ball against the wall in my room and think but it annoyed people. I could throw it at the wall of the outside of the house though and I did that a lot. Another thing that helped me a ton was to make jumps and jump them on my bike in all of my free time when I was a kid. There's something about physical activity that makes it easier to think a lot of the time.
In any case, I had to get out of the habit I had when I was younger which would be to become so immersed in what I was thinking that I'd just stare. Sometimes I was staring at a person and sometimes I was staring at an embarrassing part of a person but I was literally in my thoughts so much that I wasn't even processing the information coming in from my eyes. What used to always happen to me is that some preppy person would ask me if I had a staring problem. Since I was a kid, I became defensive but I have learned throughout the years to just say yes and so what. If they're going to make me feel uncomfortable for no reason, I'm going to make them a little uncomfortable and confused if they're rude. Welcome to the club because I'm often uncomfortable and confused but being is human is thinking about things that throw you off what you had expected. Anyway, I find that it's easier to get into that contemplative state with some repetitive motion anyway.
I like that you bounce a ball and I hope that you bounce it every time you feel like bouncing it. It's not just us autistics that should learn about other people but it's important for them to learn about us and all kinds of other people who think in a different way than they do. Humans are already stuck within our own perspective and, just like you would want to walk around something in order to observe its three dimensions, if you want to have a more complete perspective on life, since you can't just walk around anything, you have to talk to people who are seeing it from a different perspective. Think about how much more is represented in three dimensions versus two. That's how much is missing when people don't talk to people who see things differently than they do.
I so appreciate how clearly you articulate your thoughts. :)
Biggest issue for me is expecting/wanting people to simply say what they mean and mean what they say. Yet this seems to be the hardest thing for NTs. That and they don't seem to be able to answer a simple yes/no question with a yes or no answer.|
The one you mention about being judged but not told is a HUGE issue for work.
There's a lot I could say about the different ways people misunderstand me, and the amount of effort I put in to try to understand them (which I am very bad at). But I'm really just here to say that I find your bouncing the ball very soothing to hear, because I keep a few baseballs in my car and on days I'm feeling especially anxious I take one out and bounce it or spin it in my hands or toss it from one hand to the other to calm me down as I'm wandering about. So maybe I'm in the minority, but I'm really glad you bounce the ball.
As someone with NVLD, I feel like you did a very good job at explaining some of the everyday struggles, many of us neurodivergent people deal with on the daily. Really enjoyed your video!
One more thing...
I recently had a revelation about human behavior that I think will help us all on the spectrum immensely and it will also help everyone else. That revelation is that nonverbal cues that people make at each other are not always conscious, voluntary actions because the person is afraid to just tell you what those nonverbal cues were meant to express. I'm embarrassed that I just realized this since I'm in the 40s and, since I just realized this, I'm uncertain as to the ratio of nonverbal cues where the person consciously knows what they would like to tell you with them versus nonverbal cues that are completely subconscious to the person and, despite potentially being able to detect if someone has responded to those cues, at the time they are give off those cues, they aren't aware of it.
What this means is that, even if you inform people that you are autistic and you can't really pick up nonverbal cues and assuming you have someone who will accurately express all the nonverbal cues they are trying to give, there will be enough nonverbal cues that it tends to ruin relationships of a certain level of closeness. The person who was trying to verbally express what they would intentionally put out in nonverbal cues doesn't understand, even still, why you misunderstood some ones they were putting out without knowing it. This is why everyone can be perfectly aware of one another's needs and still have these misunderstandings and I don't know that even completely neurotypical people understand nonverbal cues well enough but it's not like anyone can express them verbally if they don't know they are expressing something.
Just as I was writing this, I thought of something else too. Poker players and other people who try to tell if people are bluffing or lying often have these things called "tells," which are unconscious nonverbal cues that people put out when they are obfuscating. Okay now I feel really oblivious to life because now I really feel like I should have thought of the fact that sometimes people have nonverbal cues that they aren't conscious they are having. Well for fuck's sake! Anyway, these nonverbal cues that people don't know they have are a problem that I currently don't know how to solve.
I don't think it's something you can solve but you definitely can explore it for greater understanding with the person of interest. For instance, using a Gestalt technique mirrors the nonverbal behavior back to the person so they can see it and reflect on it. You do it by asking questions like, what is your tapping foot trying to say? I saw you frown for a second. I wonder what the thought behind that was. Consider the tells as silent voices speaking volumes and ask the person to verbalize each of them as you describe what you are seeing or hearing.
Paul, these tips are terrific but this will only work if the NTs are present and secure enough themselves to actually ask questions of you. I find that most people are judgemental. They remain quiet, move on, and just say or think you (the ND) is just weird or rude. Pretty sad
so true
NT have many choices... If they can not understand you, they fear you or..if they misunderstand you, they hate you.. But mostly they will reject you cause they have choices...
They say to be yourself but will want you to 'behave' in their way.....
Agreed. I hate to say this but most NT's are not interested, don't care, and won°t engage at all if given a choice. Also, most NT's are extremely resistant to any kind of mental work to accomodate. understand, or engage those who are divergent in ANY way. A good chunk of my job includes mediating, explaining, and negotiating difference. To top it off, I frequently encounter NT's who seem to think that laws of physics are negotiable!
You are doing important work. Keep being authentic and sharing everything!
I just love your videos, they have really helped me understand myself and put in words a lot of things that go on with me. Thank You
I love your videos, they are great!
I like that you show people what you need to do to process things.
What i would most like to hear is a video talking about intimate relationships, communication and withdrawls/shutdown.
Particularly if manipulation/passive aggressive strategies on the nd partners part is a staple communication style in order to achieve what they feel they need or to get what they want as opposed to what your currently discussing which is lovely straightforward open discussion.
I think one of the biggest failings on a nt part however is forgetting, that nd's minds dont work quite the same way... that its not on purpose most times. And the longer youve known someone and the more you take your nt self out of the situation the more you can read them better and realise what your seeing is overwhelm or just confusion because that person while seemingly appearing to understand actually really doesnt, and theyre just trying to work out the appropriate response that will land them in the least amount of trouble.
I always think of it this way.. the nd is like a windows computer and nt is linix.. they can talk but sometimes they have trouble understanding each other..
But i would truely love a video on that.
And autism and parenting.
And autism and coparenting.
I really appreciate you sharing. The fact that this matches my experience so closely makes it strangely easier
After 48 years, I finally have an answer for people when I am asked "whats wrong with you?". I think I finally understand why everything is funny, and the more tired I get the funnier it is.
So something that happens to me alot, is people often assume I'm angry. I have a very monotone voice and my face is often expressionless. I do lots of deep breathing and some times I sigh, because I'm processing things.
It often feels very accusatory, like your angry why? You shouldn't be angry, why are you? I tell them I'm not and then they always push it.. which makes me angry, and now they feel like I was always angry.. and just lying about it. To which they always attempt to find the root of it, and get angry with me when they can't. It's annoying and hurts 80% of my relationships.. I feel like this explains things I struggle to express, so thank you.
"I wasn't angry but now you're making me angry. Just because I raised my voice, doesn't mean it was out of anger."
I am confused, raising one's voice is a common sign of anger. Especially during a conversation.. if this is a comparison, a deep breath would (in the same context) mean something similar. However, In mine I'm simply walking and now they've decided I'm angry about something. And need to push to figure out what it is..
Would you mind explaining the context of your statement?
An Aspie family member and I (NT) sometimes argue when I express an opinion, and he says I’m “wrong.” I’ve told him that he has every right to disagree with any number of things, but not about how another person feels. (For example, when I said that I was disappointed when I received something I had ordered, he argued that it wasn’t all that bad. I explained that I had paid for it and had had certain expectations, which weren’t met.
One time, I said that we were arguing about OPINIONS, and he said that his “opinion” was “the truth.” He often acts as if he is “right.”
I write to him about some contentious issues (because he can get quite worked up when we discuss something), and I try to choose non-critical wording, but he is rarely flexible. I wish I knew how to discuss things without his becoming angry or shutting me down, because I love him very much and would love to get along better.
"Smile, it's not that bad." How do you now? "You look like your dog died." I don't have a dog anymore. "Are you being sarcastic?" No, I'm speaking the literal truth. "Was that a joke?" Yes. "You're really funny. You should be a stand up comedian. You never smile or laugh when you tell a joke." No. "I always thought you wanted to kill me." Shrug
"I always thought you wanted to kill me."
"I'm starting to"
Good points on alone time and how NTs can misunderstand . I broke up with my BF about 2 years ago over it. I have ASD and on one day I was feeling very stressed and he was being grumpy and seemed angry over little things. this made me feel very anxious and then i got a bad tummy. so i felt i needed alone time. i went to my room to lay down . but what i did not know was that my BF thought i was ignoring him and so he got upset with me and in the end left my hy house feeling quite angry with me . at the time i felt i had done nothing wrong and did not understand why he was angry with me so we split up. since then i have been diagnosed with ASD and now understand that i was just having alone time and that he did not understand this . we are friends now but i still feel sad we broke up
The exact same thing happened to me about a year ago causing me & my bf to break up. Not long ago we were talking on the phone (still friends we have a 13yr old) & mentioned it.. He said he thought I was aggravated at him or that he done something I said no but I was wondering the same thing about him also at the time. Now we're both in different relationships too bad we couldn't have had the discussion sooner we used to be great at talking with each other..
These are super helpful! I’m learning a LOT!
Yup. This explains why me and my ex failed FANTASTICALLY.
Too many assumptions made on both sides. She doesn't know she's Aspie (or lied about her knowledge).
But most things you've mentioned she's demonstrated.
And now this. No wonder we never got along, we literally were operating on two different frequencies the entire time 😔
With regards to physical stimulation as a means of facilitating mental processing, I understand where you are coming from. In school I was very squirmy and fidgety because I needed to be moving around. My teaches and peers would often assume I needed to be corrected and taught to sit still. It took me a while to catch on that what I was doing was really annoying others. After that I learned a coping strategy whereby I have a long list of different behaviors that I can rotate through without doing any one thing for a long period of time. I find that this for some reason seems to fly under the radar a bit more. It has saved my bacon more than once, allowing me to get that stimulation without having to explain myself to strangers.
I don’t too often misinterpret others anymore, but did as a child. I couldn’t tell if other kids were bullying me or making jokes. Now, at 21, I just get people misinterpreting me all the time, especially really caring and empathetic types. I get asked if I’m okay very often by anyone like that, because I generally appear unhappy no matter how I feel. I have an acquaintance that asks me if I’m okay with a concerned sort of expression every single time he sees me, even though we end up making decent conversation most of those times, if he catches me when I’m talkative. For my general bluntness and honesty, I have learned to just warn new people ahead of time that this is the way it’s going to be, and that it is objectively the fairest way for things to be, so don’t get hurt over it. I can’t do things another way.
I’m autistic, and sometimes I have trouble speaking at all. So when I don’t answer someone right away (or at all), people immediately assume I’m ignoring or neglecting them. When I tell them later that I was having issues with speaking, it’s like they don’t really believe me.
Sometimes I really don’t care for NT’s. So often I feel I am twisting and contorting myself to make them comfortable, yet they will not return the favor even in a moment of distress. It’s hurtful.
Not to mention people not listening when I’m screaming “NO TOUCH” in the middle of a meltdown and they crowd me anyway 🙃
My apologies. I’m just venting a bit. Love the videos and love the community.
I have had to learn to assume that people don't know when I am serious, joking, or sarcastic, especially when I say something ludicrous in a way that sounds really factual and straightforward people think that this is new information they are unaware of, and I have to tell them that I was going for a sarcastic "out there" response. People also tend to assume that I am down or sad when I am focused or thinking.