Great video. The one thing I think people need to remember is that if they are continuously bringing the same thing up (in a healthy way) and their partner is not receptive to it, they should reevaluate the partnership as a whole and decide if it's the right fit or if they can learn to handle not getting their needs met. When people stay in a relationship that's not fulfilling, that's on them. We can't expect that every person will change into our perfect partner then get mad when they don't.
Morgan Burch (goodmorgan) has a great acronym for figuring out step 1: SEEN. What am I Scared of? What am I Embarrassed about? What did I Expect, and did I Express those expectations? And, what do I Need right now?
Securely attached people don't do it well at first. I found it a rough start but willing to go through it. Over the years we got better at it. Still never feels good to be in conflict. But my wife and don't leave the conflict with out a least solutions we both agree on or that we will come back to it another time if more needs to talked about it. It can get heated but we repair quickly. That's just my experience being in relationship for almost 25 years. I apply a lot of this same stuff with friends and in my work place. I look back 25 year ago, definitely didn't do it well but willing through my cards on the table and learn and grow from it. Now it's so much easier.
My uncle, who has been married for 30 years, told me that you will fight, but never lose your respect for each other while doing so. Also, that if two people don't ever fight, there's something wrong with the relationship.
That last sentence about if you're not fighting, there's something wrong, is this really true or just something that gets said with no real foundation? I've never seen one relationship or attachment theory video which suggests conflict is a prerequisite for a healthy relationship. I was with a partner for 10 years and you could count on one hand the number of disagreements we had (we parted company for certain reasons relating to an unfortunate life event)
@@rikkiola I should have given more context. You see, I told him that my lady and I never fought---indeed, at that point, had never---and in response he said that. At the time, I didn't believe it; I considered not fighting a strength of our relationship, and neither she nor I liked conflict. In retrospect, I see that he was right. What happened between us was that the avoidance of conflict laid the foundation for our ruin: needs were not being expressed, as well as where the lines were drawn. So, we were operating blindly. If only we had been willing to argue and disagree, perhaps we'd still be together today. So, while I wouldn't say fighting is good or a prerequisite, the _avoidance of conflict_ is a recipe for disaster. Rather express how one feels and get it all on the table. But, being a lover of peace and quiet, I understand your sentiment.
@@GeoffreyAngapa Thanks for the clarification. Yes, totally agree on expressing needs and boundaries, I guess it's how these are expressed and received. Perhaps it was the word 'fight' which feels a little harsh. It seems you could have disagreements and resolutions respectfully without necessarily resorting to a 'fight'. Maybe it depends how you define fight - it sounds a little antagonistic, one vs the other, as opposed to two people coming together (over a disagreement) toward a shared goal or understanding. Perhaps disagreement offers a choice point toward becoming a fight or a productive conversation to better understand each other.
@@rikkiola Well said. I think fight is the wrong word. Rather, it should be a platform, within the relationship, to disagree. Even to argue, but respectfully. And if a couple could become proficient at this, it would surely create a solid bond. Too often, there is a fear to disagree and upset the equilibrium. And so, the relationship ends up being not robust enough to handle the storms when they inevitably come.
Your videos are absolutely life-changing Thais. Thank you so very very much for all you do to help us. PS I love how you give real-life examples, it helps so much ❤
I promise I'll try this. I am working on being more secure and I am experiencing progress within myself. My husband on the other hand doesn't seek much for self improvement.And he tends to feel attacked when I share my feelings with him. :(
Thank you for all the great information. After being in a relationship with someone who is from a different culture, and appears to have a "secure attachment" the change in communication style is day and night compared to my primary environment! Major improvement based on trust!
Thank you for these videos! I watched them heavily back in 2022 when I learned about being an FA. I can say through my personal self work and these videos I've been secure for a little over a year and find myself in a great relationship with my secure partner. After this video, its nice to see we're on the right track for what healthly conflict looks like :)
Lovely video, as all of yours. Could you make a video on how to introduce the topic about attachment styles with a person who has an insecure attachment style, as usually these people would perceive it as an attack or flaw finding. Thank you
As someone who avoids conflict like the plague and don't know how to process anything negative, how do I, as someone who is kind of self sabotaging, stay present and not shit down when my partner brings something up? I have a problem with shutting down and turning off.
Problem is avoidants create conflict precisely to not resolve things and grow closer but to push each other apart. Pretty hard to resolve that healthily.
Avoidants are conflict avoidant. Someone deliberately creating conflict is not an avoidant. Possibly a narcissist, either overt or covert type. Avoidants will withdraw, which looks like ghosting. But not create drama.
For FA’s I would think it’s more related to wheather we ever figured out a sort of reliable formula to unlock our heart. Like if we actually have stumbled on that we might obsess over trying to manage and control the process because anything less is unsafe, but that’s different from controlling outcome, I once due to a merit badge I had to finish a requirement, where i had to do a family meeting and OMFG how tf was I going to get my chaotic constantly triggered always fighting family to have a family meeting. So a big part of it was structuring the conversation with simple rules , there was a talking stick, no “You” statements…actually sit there long enough to figure out how to not even use that word, only “I feel” statements (can add “I feel because I need”), and you can only talk if you have the talking stick, and the first time I did this I made a joking motiiom to my emotionally impulsive family “if you talk out of turn, we knock you with the talking stick and go back to the person till they are done” Which means each person talks until they run out of things to say, I’ve learned it can be ok to ask if they need help if it seems they got stuck but we can’t push them to be done. This actually allows people to fully express. It helped that I talked them into it because “I need to earn this thing” And OMFG 4/6 of them cried, and for at least 3 days we were kind and considerate of each other. Like that got me obsessing over how to create that expand it etc, and I’ve found situations it worked and ones it failed in, like if the person is willing to Engadge in it and wants to connect, it can help, though if they have some block to expressing it can cause them if forced to internalize though I don’t think you would see this unless you got to this point, just know their anxiety goes up after not being able to, and that’s a different protocol. I’ve also seen it not work with the toxic parent who is rigid and not willing to listen and hypercritical, I have seen it work in a relationship where the girl was more the previously anorexia social anxiety endophynotyoe of relating style with a bit more internalization and willing to work with me. (Had nothing to do with her body, everything to do with how our 2 minds mesh) But when it works, it’s like when the heck else in your life have you been able to actually express everything, prob never. So it’s great to be able to do that. And I think while I’ve had relationship stumbles and learning curve over the years I think I stayed out of toxic ones because I’m assertive and was willing to blow relationships up by testing if that could work.
It depends. What's their behavior and why does it bother you? If it's something you need for you to feel fulfilled then I would end it. If they're behaviors you can live with then stay if you want.
I would say that if it's abusive or detrimental to you in any way then perhaps there is no point committing any further to the relationship seing that they are unwilling to change anything other than that I'd suggest compromise from both sides and working towards something that would be beneficial to the both of you
Not at all, because the DA or FA don't think they have any problems at all. Mine claims that her "Therapist" said I was the one with the problem, and that she was someone that was very giving and too loving of people. Save the effort, it won't do any good.
If you think your DA/FA will be open and receptive to it, sure. I would say if this has been an ongoing discussion it's fine, but to shoot this over to them via message and ask them to watch it, prob not. It really depends on your dynamic. DA and FA people can be amazing with the right partner. ❤
If the DA is aware that they don't handle conflict well and shows signs of not liking that, then yes, maybe. BUT Thais talking about "this is how securely attached people do it" at the start is probably going to be interpreted as criticism, though, unless the DA knows about attachment styles and that their attachment style comes from their childhood and is not an innate character flaw. As the old joke says, it only takes one therapist to change a light bulb, but the light bulb has to want to change first.
@@PB-md3ntI'm an FA and absolutely DESPERATE to change. I'm cramming as much as I possibly can, so I can help myself. I just want to love and be loved 😢
Great video. The one thing I think people need to remember is that if they are continuously bringing the same thing up (in a healthy way) and their partner is not receptive to it, they should reevaluate the partnership as a whole and decide if it's the right fit or if they can learn to handle not getting their needs met. When people stay in a relationship that's not fulfilling, that's on them. We can't expect that every person will change into our perfect partner then get mad when they don't.
moreeeee secure relationship content pleaseee
Agree 😊
I love your content about how secure relationship works , so helpful
Morgan Burch (goodmorgan) has a great acronym for figuring out step 1: SEEN. What am I Scared of? What am I Embarrassed about? What did I Expect, and did I Express those expectations? And, what do I Need right now?
Very well explained! A lot of us don't grow up with a healthy modeling of how to do conflict right!
Securely attached people don't do it well at first. I found it a rough start but willing to go through it. Over the years we got better at it. Still never feels good to be in conflict. But my wife and don't leave the conflict with out a least solutions we both agree on or that we will come back to it another time if more needs to talked about it. It can get heated but we repair quickly. That's just my experience being in relationship for almost 25 years. I apply a lot of this same stuff with friends and in my work place. I look back 25 year ago, definitely didn't do it well but willing through my cards on the table and learn and grow from it. Now it's so much easier.
My uncle, who has been married for 30 years, told me that you will fight, but never lose your respect for each other while doing so. Also, that if two people don't ever fight, there's something wrong with the relationship.
That last sentence about if you're not fighting, there's something wrong, is this really true or just something that gets said with no real foundation? I've never seen one relationship or attachment theory video which suggests conflict is a prerequisite for a healthy relationship. I was with a partner for 10 years and you could count on one hand the number of disagreements we had (we parted company for certain reasons relating to an unfortunate life event)
@@rikkiola I should have given more context. You see, I told him that my lady and I never fought---indeed, at that point, had never---and in response he said that. At the time, I didn't believe it; I considered not fighting a strength of our relationship, and neither she nor I liked conflict. In retrospect, I see that he was right. What happened between us was that the avoidance of conflict laid the foundation for our ruin: needs were not being expressed, as well as where the lines were drawn. So, we were operating blindly. If only we had been willing to argue and disagree, perhaps we'd still be together today. So, while I wouldn't say fighting is good or a prerequisite, the _avoidance of conflict_ is a recipe for disaster. Rather express how one feels and get it all on the table. But, being a lover of peace and quiet, I understand your sentiment.
@@GeoffreyAngapa Thanks for the clarification. Yes, totally agree on expressing needs and boundaries, I guess it's how these are expressed and received. Perhaps it was the word 'fight' which feels a little harsh. It seems you could have disagreements and resolutions respectfully without necessarily resorting to a 'fight'. Maybe it depends how you define fight - it sounds a little antagonistic, one vs the other, as opposed to two people coming together (over a disagreement) toward a shared goal or understanding. Perhaps disagreement offers a choice point toward becoming a fight or a productive conversation to better understand each other.
@@rikkiola Well said. I think fight is the wrong word. Rather, it should be a platform, within the relationship, to disagree. Even to argue, but respectfully. And if a couple could become proficient at this, it would surely create a solid bond. Too often, there is a fear to disagree and upset the equilibrium. And so, the relationship ends up being not robust enough to handle the storms when they inevitably come.
Glad you are discussing conflict resolution of secures.
Your videos are absolutely life-changing Thais. Thank you so very very much for all you do to help us. PS I love how you give real-life examples, it helps so much ❤
I promise I'll try this.
I am working on being more secure and I am experiencing progress within myself.
My husband on the other hand doesn't seek much for self improvement.And he tends to feel attacked when I share my feelings with him. :(
Thank you for all the great information. After being in a relationship with someone who is from a different culture, and appears to have a "secure attachment" the change in communication style is day and night compared to my primary environment! Major improvement based on trust!
Thank you for these videos! I watched them heavily back in 2022 when I learned about being an FA. I can say through my personal self work and these videos I've been secure for a little over a year and find myself in a great relationship with my secure partner. After this video, its nice to see we're on the right track for what healthly conflict looks like :)
Lovely video, as all of yours. Could you make a video on how to introduce the topic about attachment styles with a person who has an insecure attachment style, as usually these people would perceive it as an attack or flaw finding. Thank you
Providing both are on the same page .. trying to be secure with a toxic person is impossible 😢
So damn smart you are Thais! Thank you for helping me become the best me.
She's great. ❤
As someone who avoids conflict like the plague and don't know how to process anything negative, how do I, as someone who is kind of self sabotaging, stay present and not shit down when my partner brings something up? I have a problem with shutting down and turning off.
Great video !!
Problem is avoidants create conflict precisely to not resolve things and grow closer but to push each other apart. Pretty hard to resolve that healthily.
Avoidants are conflict avoidant. Someone deliberately creating conflict is not an avoidant. Possibly a narcissist, either overt or covert type.
Avoidants will withdraw, which looks like ghosting. But not create drama.
For FA’s I would think it’s more related to wheather we ever figured out a sort of reliable formula to unlock our heart. Like if we actually have stumbled on that we might obsess over trying to manage and control the process because anything less is unsafe, but that’s different from controlling outcome, I once due to a merit badge I had to finish a requirement, where i had to do a family meeting and OMFG how tf was I going to get my chaotic constantly triggered always fighting family to have a family meeting. So a big part of it was structuring the conversation with simple rules , there was a talking stick, no “You” statements…actually sit there long enough to figure out how to not even use that word, only “I feel” statements (can add “I feel because I need”), and you can only talk if you have the talking stick, and the first time I did this I made a joking motiiom to my emotionally impulsive family “if you talk out of turn, we knock you with the talking stick and go back to the person till they are done” Which means each person talks until they run out of things to say, I’ve learned it can be ok to ask if they need help if it seems they got stuck but we can’t push them to be done. This actually allows people to fully express. It helped that I talked them into it because “I need to earn this thing” And OMFG 4/6 of them cried, and for at least 3 days we were kind and considerate of each other. Like that got me obsessing over how to create that expand it etc, and I’ve found situations it worked and ones it failed in, like if the person is willing to Engadge in it and wants to connect, it can help, though if they have some block to expressing it can cause them if forced to internalize though I don’t think you would see this unless you got to this point, just know their anxiety goes up after not being able to, and that’s a different protocol. I’ve also seen it not work with the toxic parent who is rigid and not willing to listen and hypercritical, I have seen it work in a relationship where the girl was more the previously anorexia social anxiety endophynotyoe of relating style with a bit more internalization and willing to work with me. (Had nothing to do with her body, everything to do with how our 2 minds mesh) But when it works, it’s like when the heck else in your life have you been able to actually express everything, prob never. So it’s great to be able to do that. And I think while I’ve had relationship stumbles and learning curve over the years I think I stayed out of toxic ones because I’m assertive and was willing to blow relationships up by testing if that could work.
State what you need not demand what's needed?
What happens if the person says I can't commit to changing my behaviour? What do you do then?
It depends. What's their behavior and why does it bother you? If it's something you need for you to feel fulfilled then I would end it. If they're behaviors you can live with then stay if you want.
I would say that if it's abusive or detrimental to you in any way then perhaps there is no point committing any further to the relationship seing that they are unwilling to change anything other than that I'd suggest compromise from both sides and working towards something that would be beneficial to the both of you
do you think it’s worth to share this with DA or FA?
Not at all, because the DA or FA don't think they have any problems at all. Mine claims that her "Therapist" said I was the one with the problem, and that she was someone that was very giving and too loving of people. Save the effort, it won't do any good.
If you think your DA/FA will be open and receptive to it, sure. I would say if this has been an ongoing discussion it's fine, but to shoot this over to them via message and ask them to watch it, prob not. It really depends on your dynamic.
DA and FA people can be amazing with the right partner. ❤
If the DA is aware that they don't handle conflict well and shows signs of not liking that, then yes, maybe. BUT Thais talking about "this is how securely attached people do it" at the start is probably going to be interpreted as criticism, though, unless the DA knows about attachment styles and that their attachment style comes from their childhood and is not an innate character flaw.
As the old joke says, it only takes one therapist to change a light bulb, but the light bulb has to want to change first.
@@PB-md3ntI'm an FA and absolutely DESPERATE to change. I'm cramming as much as I possibly can, so I can help myself. I just want to love and be loved 😢
Yes. Give people a chance to learn and grow.
Ignore the saltbags in the comments.