Bad People In Your Life? Time to Heal Your RED-FLAG DETECTOR!
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- Опубликовано: 13 сен 2024
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If you look around all the friends and partners you’ve let into your life... and discover that there’s a high proportion of troubled people and jerks, guess what? Your red flag detector is broken! It’s supposed to be warning you when bad people try to walk into your life (this goes for bosses and jobs too) you’re supposed to get a bad feeling, a sense of aversion to people and situations that are going to hurt you!
What shuts down that crucial function, is abuse and neglect in your childhood. It’s not your fault that this happened. But now it’s you and only you who can start healing that red flag detector!
People with Childhood PTSD and CPTSD too often go through life either alone, or in relationships where we’re not loved, not safe, and NOT HAPPY. If you’re wondering why you keep attracting people who are either not functional, not "into" you, or outright hurtful to you -- you’re going to want to watch this video. I'll tell you the steps it takes to change the signals you're sending to help the RIGHT person find you.
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Dear Anna,
I kinda think you're a genius . I think you are saving lives . Big big love out to you from my heart .
I agree. Really good at pointing out the relevant issues, giving support, in a very clear way.
It feels natural to have toxic people as friends. Especially, considering I was created by two very toxic and abusive people. I have had no contact for 2 years now. I can finally see clearly how and why I remained so sick and for all of my life. I can no longer be around toxic people. I have noticed when I’m around those kind of people, I start having a panic attack. I feel that is my red flag. I am finally listening to the warnings. God please bless, heal and protect everyone here!
I feel same.....during covid I’ve let go of 2 female narcissistic friends.....it wasn’t easy bc it’s not all bad.....but they feed off of me & I definitely do not gain from them in my life
Same here with the panic attacks. In the past year I have detached from 95% of the people in my life, affraid that the least bit of frustration and disappointment from anyone else will be my end.
@@SteeleMagnolia Same here with the panic attacks in the last several months. The healthier I get the less tolerance I have.
So, so clear. Congratulations on your incredible progress. The truth of what you are saying literally shines through. That light was very validating for me today. Thank you.
@@karenfreeman8232 Being healthy IS the boundary!
I wouldn't say it was broken, I would say I was never allowed to develop one
Feels that way to me too.
Nice people aren't naturally suspicious. That's why they make such good targets.
@@edennis8578 For me, trusting myself doesn't mean I'm suspicious of others......just that I don't trust everyone. Just beginning to learn to Trust Myself....so I'm not suspicious of everyone!
@@purpleflows5680 so true!
Same i had two toxic parents and they both got into relationships with other toxic people. Because of abuse and emotional neglectni was not allowed to develop my own red flag detector or express how I felt.
This whole process works on a societal level as well. People are forced to comply and be obedient as children and are now unable to see the red flags behind the narratives designed to control them.
Trumpism enters the chat.
Happening now!
So so true.
Strict Catholic grammar school ( abused by a cousin ). All girl HS , saw a boy across the street, our eyes met, my dad beat him up since he wasn't the same heritage. Job on Wall street one week after graduating. Sexually abused at work, another blank of my life, was fearful what my father would do to him ( since 'nothing' happened with the young man I loved ) so I married the abuser an thus started my LONG journey down abuse isle.
@@MacchiatoSwirlGirl Pray your Blessed now with a 'healthy' lifestyle...I'm still on that 'long' road.
I had to identify who were the toxic people in my life. Unfortunately many of them were family members and people I thought I could trust
Family has been deadly, for me; and the grief process has been epic.
You’re not alone.....I read The Human Magnet Syndrome & like he said after you rid your life of toxic people (if you’ve magnetized them to you) you’ll have about 10-15% people left😬 it does feel better
@@rowanlees9779 It could literally be deadly. The last two months my anxiety and my blood pressure has been epic - most of my life I've had low BP.
@@karenfreeman8232 it's so amazing that you said that; same here: usually low BP is now higher, I even called the ambulance last month, not knowing I was having a panic attack; even though I've had them before, this one was way out there: I had a book on my lap that was jumping to my heartbeat 😱
Things I've always done are eat clean; exercise; get outside and get some form of healing (from Polarity Therapy to Infrared Sauna (this last is my current thing)...but it all takes so much of my time and resources that it's all I do and if I let up on any of it the anxiety is right there. It's exhausting. Stuck in neutral, here.
@RobertKemp you're not alone they taught us what we will no longer tolerate! Love and light
Hollywood doesn't help. It is classic, the man says he doesn't want a commitment but by the end of the movie they are at their wedding.
Anything coming out of Hollywood is based on nefarious social engineering - all illusion, nothing to be trusted.
Pretty woman 🤮
Those are comedies and structured a particular way. You're not supposed to take movies as a model.
@@jittmet7766 when you are neglected as a child you subconsciously absorb the example of whatever role model is available and if that comes from friends who have self destructive behaviors, gaming or Hollywood it fills the hole where healthy role modeling was meant to fill.
Fairy tales - not real life
I almost feel like I'm wearing red glasses, so everything looks like a red flag. So I feel like mine is almost in overdrive. The "chicken little" part of my brain is overactive.
ParaSympathetic nervous system overdrive. Ther is stretches that can help. Kidneys too healthy strong kidneys are helpful to experience. 🙏
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
I agree, I don't trust people. I am always dissociated and have a very hard time connecting with others. Socializing is exhausting.
I dont think it is. That why people like us always end up with toxic friends... 99 percent of people are toxic.. We just would rather ot be alone thatn wait and build up the 1 percent.. The other factor is of course.. Learning to have friendships that are not deep but still mutually beneficial and adding connection.. Nobody teaches that part... (all the close groups of people i have ever known hurt each other terribly but they seem to ignore that part not even acknowledging it... I cant be around that type of disfunction.. I find it diagusting.. But here i am with no close friends and building that connection with myself non physical instead. Even my flat mates are always weird.. The first few days i got to my new place.. One guy admitted he was lying to me about something minor just to save face (red flag, he will do anything for approval from strangers.. I then realised he was gaslighting me and the other housemate... I stopped talking to him.. The other housemate is straight up socially awkward and would rather risk accidentally touching me than to say excuse me) ... I feel surrounded by dysfunction... I'm just not ignoring it anymore.. Pandemic has made no difference to my life tbh
: That sounds familiar. Meeting someone new... asking myself if I saw a big red flag, or a little one Do you run at every red flag, or do you give them another chance and watch for the next red flag? Am I overreacting? Or am I, by asking myself that question, gaslighting myself yet again? The whole concept is daunting.
I literally have no one in my life who isn't toxic. I spend weeks without talking to anyone.
We live in a toxic world. The people running things are all toxic. The problems we face and the solutions offered are all toxic.
We are at a biblical level of toxicity and I do not want to feel OK with it.
Note: (I will use the terms narcissism, and it's twin brother psychopathy, interchangeably. If you are hung up on labels, definitions, and semantics, you won't want to read the rest of this). Both disorders have been deiberately ignored by the psychiatric profession. They have been ignored because the people running things do not want you and me diagnosing them. The Crappy Childhood Fairy is doing an excellent job of explaining these disorders and it's victims to you and me.
For the moment the window of knowledge about these topics is open on RUclips. The window of knowledge will eventually slam shut without notice, so download everything that want to see or hear again
Psychopathy can be learned or genetic. Natural born psychopaths are much more effective than those who are just trained in it. Most psychopaths are a mixture of nature and nurture.
The problem today is that the society nurtures psychopathy like the water that surrounds fish. The psychopaths running things need worker psychopaths to do their bidding and passive psychopaths to get out of the way.
Every institution of government, media, and education promotes psychopathic and narcissistic behavior in the general population. The message is to be a good psychopath and reap the rewards. First person shooter video games are a good example of a psychopath simulator. Look at how narcissism is portrayed in the music industry. We are experiencing a pandemic of psychopathy. I believe that psychopathy is the greatest existential threat that we face today.
The medical profession is geared towards the treatment of symptoms, not cures. The pharmaceutical industry has a lock on everyone from consumers to our government because they can afford it.
Once you understand psychopathy and narcissism there's no going back. When you learn the various techniques and manipulative behavior of a psychopath, you will become aware of the magnitude of the problem. If everyone could do this the power of psychopaths would be greatly diminished.
@@elderbob100 Maybe youre a head case?
@@ThunderAppeal
Ive seen you. 🚩
Dr Ramani's channel.
Targeting abuse survivors.
@@elderbob100 ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
I have always known who was right and who was wrong to keep in my life. “Someone” asked me why I didn’t listen to that gut feeling... and all I could do was think, “Welp... you taught me to constantly question my instincts.”
My favorite: "ladies, be careful, don't trust yourselves too much, remember, Eve was the one who was deceived". A little choice tidbit in a fundy sermon I once heard. The other one: "don't judge people or you'll be judged".
@@helenhighwater5313 Oh no! I can top those!
"You have to give people the benefit of the doubt."
I heard that thousands of times growing up. It almost got me killed a few times.
No! People have to prove they can be trusted first!!!
I guess, I have that "someone" in my life too.
@@i.m.7710 100% agree with you. The benefit of the doubt is something bad people use to take advantage of good people.
@@helenhighwater5313 some dude in summer was trying to get me roind his house.. I explained why that wasn't a good idea.. He then proceeded to say i had to give him a chance and how i had to ignore my feelings about it.. I started to feel dizzy.. Thats my sign for manipulation.. I blocked his number and never contacted him again..
I truly feel awful because my red flag detector was broken I would minimize my daughters’ feelings when she told me my sister was emotionally abusive to her, I would say horrible things like “ she’s that way to everyone”.. I’ve since apologized for minimizing and invalidating her feelings, and changed my own behavior to know when I am seeing red flags, learning to call those behaviors out, and making boundaries.
Wow!!! Good mom! Very happy for you and your family.
I wish just once my mother would have said that to me when my sister was being verbally abusive to me. I wish for that so much but I never got anything more than "stop being so sensitive" so you are a fantastic mom, well done
it took me getting sexually assaulted by my boss to have the "ah-ha" moment and introspect into why I was involved in that situation and not someone else. Retrospectively, I saw that he knew how to flip the right switches with me and he exploited my fawn reaction. I'm somewhat fearful of interacting in the world because I find there are situations where I dissociate, go into the fawn reaction, and I'm inside screaming because I see what I'm doing and want to override but can't stop
I'm so sorry that happened! I encourage to work on healing your own fawn response (you can get help in my courses and elsewhere) because whether people are intentionally harming us or not, our switches get flipped. We can learn to control that, and then it's a lot harder for them to get into our lives..
I go through the same exact thing. It’s hard to not feel like everyone’s a selfish monster when they exploit or criticize our fawn response. I didn’t even realizing I frequently dissociate until recently. I was disconnected from my gut intuition and now when I fawn it is so much more painful bc I can truly feel how much I want whatever’s happening to stop, but I seem to not be able to override the trauma response in the moment. I know it is possible though. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone and I’m gonna keep pursuing healing.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy 😘😘😘
My red flag detector has been on maximum sensitivity for awhile now, to the point where even Mr. Rogers couldn't get close to me now.
I have to laugh... good way of putting it!
Strange that I should come across this channel a few days after I realized the pandemic has made me a different person. It has created a space to examine my life, and what I have tolerated, and how I will proceed.
Yes, this is one silver lining for some of us -- kind of a looooooooong silent retreat...
I had a bad feeling about a job but society told me HOW DARE YOU not take it.....great video.
Out of all 4F's specific for CPTSD, fawning seems to be the one with the most destructive potential.The subconscious need to re-enact creepy childhood using the people who are delighted to use it as their advantage.
I have a pattern of being unable to give up on people. Never want to lose hope.
Yeah I married a narcissist because my dad was one.
Never married. Same reason.
Me, too.
Me too!
Mine was Mum and ex husband and ex partner. 53 years before I discovered what was actually going on.
Toxic fam and narc parent prepared me for my n-ex. He broke my heart the way I didn't ever know is possible. I wish I had never experienced that kind of sorrow. The scream of it is still stuck in my body every day I can feel it inside of me.
I think somatic therapy might help😖🙏 please people, be careful and not as reckless and cocky as me. I always thought I was in control until I wasn't anymore...
"They are company; but they are not GOOD company."
My last relationship that ended in 2019 broke me and my cptsd reached new levels that I’m slowly recovering from. My red flag detector went off when I started dating this guy, I felt that he made me anxious and didn’t meet or respect my emotional needs, I actually spoke to my dad about it and my dad encouraged me to continue dating him, saying my expectations were too high and nobodies perfect. And that was the big push for me to pursue the relationship, as even though I knew my dad was abusive to me, he often sounded and acted like he was all knowing. Lesson - trust your red flag detector and also don’t override your detector because of advice from red flag people 😞❤️
I have soooooo many problematic friends but some of them have been in my life since teen years. In some cases, there was an evolution towards problematic and at times they can be dependable. Also, I have a soft spot for broken people even though I know these relationships snowball into regret.
I don't think the idea is to drop genuine people who are also struggling so much as to recognise the people who are gonna take the piss for their own personal best interests rather than yours.
I have a similar situation many of my friends from my teens are still very toxic and have become worse overtime as they don't address their own issues. I am still friends with them but I dictate the situations and circumstances. Use strong boundaries. You can still have them in your life. With time you meet new friends who are good, honest, dependable.
SAME
I have a huge soft spot for broken people. Sometimes it leads to meningful friendships, and other times it leads to toxic ones. How does one figure out which it will turn out to be?
You nailed something Ive never been told before, but its something my current boyfriend gives me permission to do. And thats take everything slow.
But you made me think a little bit deeper. Society itself doesnt say go slow. Especially as women, we are called such negative things by society as drama, accused of having baggage etc. Men and even women you think are friends are quick to just tell you to move on as if it's all your fault when you are the one doing everything on your own.
But finally I found someone who has given me permission to go slow and he is ok with waiting in all areas of my life.
Thats who I've needed in my life all along.
I think it is also really important to take a hard look at ourselves and what red flags we might be flapping.
"spend time without getting attatched" is the key thing when getting to know new people, friends or partners. Thank you Anna, this vid is so true!!! an helpful! Esp the part about second-guessing one's self!
I can add one that caused me great pain. Having been humiliated over and over by parents and told it was my fault and I should not be sensitive. That this all in good fun! I eventually bought in to there cruelty and relived this scenario over and over as an adult. I attempted to playcate abusers over and over coming back for more humiliation believing I was the cause and they would stop once I proved my self worthy. When I did finally start to speak up these fun loving jokesters (abusers) would become infuriated and super sensitive at being asked to simply not talk that way to me. Confusing as hell at first but today I do have that beautiful red flag and I stay the heck away.
I was told I was too sensitive all the time as well...as if it's bad but what did we know? Happy for you to be at a place where you can see those flags!
-Cara@TeamFairy
It's amazing how we heal when we no longer allow toxicity in our lives. Now that I'm healing emotionally and mentally, I'm also healing physical traumas that happened because of my self destructive ways when I wasn't loving myself (I didn't even know that I should love myself or how to love myself). I wish you all strength and peace and love and light 💛.
Self loved I first! Always first! Don’t even attempt another realsionship until you know how to spot these sickos! I was married a very toxic man and now he is has been since I was sick screwing brother in laws little sister whom is about 10 years older than our child and grew up with our kdis. Know the signs as we deserve happiness not sickos! This man still hangs with my parents. Vultures
I had a girlfriend once that used to attract all the worst guys who ended up causing her constant emotional dysregulation. I asked her why she was drawn to the ‘bad boys’ and why not try dating a ‘normal’ guy. Her response was “but they’re boring.”
She probably doesn't know normal, healthy and stable herself too?
"Bad boys" felt like "home" to me.
Normal dudes can be toxic, too...it just isn't apparent in the beginning.
@@evil1by1 yep, story of my life actually
I get the warnings, unfortunately I'm in a position where I can't be too picky about where I accept help from.
No one to depend on, red flags everywhere, nowhere else to go.
Hence why i'll be living in my car through the holidays 🙂
There's a lot of nomad car camping videos on RUclips! Get a lot of soft cozy dark color blankets and pillows. Get dark limo tint on the car windows. Buy a hot coffee and watch the sunrise every morning! Join a gym that's still open!
No rent!!!
@@i.m.7710 I'm tossing up between eating properly or buying fuel, can't afford both so, upgrading my car is definitely out of the question
I also feel like the healthy, kind and happy people are not in any way wanting to be in my life. Can I fix that too?
I feel similar Lesha. Sometimes I feel so damaged it is really hard to relate and make connections with healthy and happy people. I wish I could start over with a fresh slate and never be asked about my past, but it seems like new people always want to know your bio when deciding to build a relationship. I feel stressed, awkward, and ashamed trying to navigate this challenge so I've just become a loner to avoid those icky feelings.
Kris Godinez says you have to purge the toxic people to let in the healthy - I’m doing & I agree bc toxicity is not healing
I've never had CPSTD, but I've gone through a lot of transformation in my life to be mentally tough and healthy and generally happy.
Just a story: I've met my next door neighbor of 8.5 years this last summer (she's moved 30 mins away with her family now). She has a lot of this similar challenges. We really hit it off as friends and then it somehow progressed toward have intense feelings toward one another. And now she's extremely petrified in how she feels about me, so much that she's ghosted me to hopefully regain composure. Being around me, she started seeing a whole new lens of herself that she didn't know she was capable of (I'm pretty optimistic).
If it wasn't for the pandemic and some supernatural forces at play, I would've have never known that I would have so much in common with the girl next door. As the healthy person in this scenario, if you want more healthy people in your life, I'd say first work keep tackling the challenges and have enough of framework in place to open to these circumstances when you have opportunities for these kind of people in your life. I'm someone that takes initiative, so for my neighbor, she said yes enough times to explore something new. Unfortunately, she's in a withdrawal state at the moment, so we'll see what happens. I didn't know about trauma until I met her, and I don't gravitate towards environments where I meet people this afflicted by trauma. So just some context if you want to put yourself out there.
@@rubybelladonna7926 I can relate to this. I'm sorry I know its hard.
Lesha It feels like I could have written this comment.
Oh, wow, Anna! I have spent my whole life trying to love broken people! I saw the red flags and just kept taking the bad with the good long after the two did not balance out and I was being harmed. I saw the red flags, but they were better than either of my parents had been, and I felt lucky to find anyone who would have me as I am. I see now that I was trained to gloss over or absorb injury just to have the illusion of a relationship. I do give myself away too easily, and then stay too loyal too long out of a fear of being alone. Chronic illness makes it so that I really do need a helper. I am about to let a man back into my life who is very loving seeming, but who acts out of his trauma, thus having no control over his actions, and no perspective that he is causing harm. You just saved me from making a big mistake. Thank you for your frank, practical way of explaining why we do the things that don’t work in our own favor. Knowledge is power!
As I get older, I realized modern society and healthy happy people don’t go together. The secret to centennials’ longevity is having friends and being social. We are tribal. We can’t survive without having a tribe and looking out for each other. We lost our way. But how do we do this in the modern time? We form our own tribe. It’s not how many in the tribe but the quality of the people involved. We have to get good at reading people and following our own intuition (gut feelings). We all have it, we just forgot. I think the solution starts at birth, raising our children to be secured and independent people. For the rest of us, it’s going to be an uphill battle. It’s hard for us to trust. This is why we have to learn from others and stay openminded. We’re already shut-ins. We have to be careful so we don’t become that crazy old man/lady down the street who never comes out of his/her house. Joking aside, I’m finally starting to do the resentment journaling. It starts with, “I don’t want to end up the miserable people my parents are.” and, “I want a better life for myself.” I’m not expecting to be a social butterfly, no way. I do like to not be a hermit or weirdo. We need to learn to invest in ourselves. I think it’s more than just making friends. We have to feel at ease with ourselves first. The friends will come. I’m not worried about that. It’s always about my crazy and disregulated mind. I think to fix the external, one have to fix the internal first.
Thank you for this comment.
Fatima-Zahra Kajji You’re very welcome. I’m glad it resonated with you :-)
It's becoming harder and harder to find my tribe in real life. Your comment was great though.
Progress Not Perfection It IS hard. We have to keep our chin up, it’s still possible.
this resonates, yes, thank you 🙏🏻
I’m moving away from my parents who are my reason for c-ptsd .. they aren’t happy. Told me I’m selfish for wanting to home school my kids and leave our life behind. Control.
Me too...
My intention in writing this is love and compassion. I read somewhere once that 'the opposite of dysfunction is still dysfunction', and it really struck a chord with me. Only you will know truly how your parents are, and I've no doubt some parents need to be cut out of our lives. But I also think it's crucial that we seek to heal our own trauma so we don't unwittingly repeat the pattern with our own children. In healing myself, I have found I have greater compassion for the 'failings' of my parents (I say this both as a child of dysfunctional parents, and as a sometimes dysfunctional parent myself).
All this is so true of my life, It is so calming and validating, hearing it from you. I am taking things real slow. I am now living in a new town having detached from my toxic famil and friends,, and what I have seen in the last year, is that other toxic types still approach me but taking time calms me enough to see red flags. I had this kind of thing happen recently, where I did nothing, even though love hearts were bursting all around me he was really cute and sweet (he seemed at first- so helpful and caring), but taking time let me find out that he is married and quite nasty to his wife to boot. I need to get signed up like yesterday!
Yes, come on over. bit.ly/2rukHvh
My mother is my toxin, and i am all she has.....😣 I get physically ill and have to shut down for a day or two after being around her. It gets so bad i cannot stand to even speak to her on the phone either.
I do & did get that feeling about a guy, that gut feeling, & I stayed too long because I wanted to believe, or maybe I enjoy the pain. I know I have CPTSD & my mom's death on Easter this year, retraumatized me. I am alone in life. This guy said what I wanted to hear, but I had a feeling of general unease. I second guessed myself the entire time & now he's gone. I even blamed myself for the things I do being responsible for his attitude, but I'm pretty sure he used me.
I have a Dating course, you know -- just for people with Childhood PTSD... it could help you navigate more clearly when love comes again..
thank you anna for your insight but sometimes i get hopeless like there is so many things that are wrong its hard to see a silverlining or hope
I have a score of 9, no addictions bit have had bad relationships and autoimmune illness challenge for 15 years.
I have a young daughter and have recently escaped domestic violence from her dad. I had such a big flare or Crohn's I am on bed rest. I'm lucky my 17year old is with my small daughter with the help of her dad and stepmom, they have kids around the same age too so I am having the first break I have had since she was born 3 years ago. I am very weak but at this stage watching videos and will begin the free course. I am very motivated by your courses even if I have to pace myself until my iron levels return to normal etc. Thank you so much for your courage, to speak and teach and love us and yourself on this journey, I feel your teachings will be a blessing Anna
Very important. I've ignored red flags my whole life.
Soooo common, we just have to. learn better ways :)
Holy sh!t!! My jaw usually ends up on the floor every time I watch a video! 30 years of therapy and medication...now I see why I do these things and I now feel able to stop it.
Just unbelievable.
We're so glad you found us!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I feel like I’ve been colour blind to 🚩 when certain things we grew up with felt “normal”.. love your channel ❤️🙏🏽
THIS!!! Best video ever. ❤️❤️❤️ This video really brought it home to me. My old ways of coping suck. Just getting by and just finding a path through sucks. You have to begin to love your real self enough to choose! Choice is rejecting any external things by positive self regard. With CPTSD you have to re-learn who you are and how to feel. OMG questioning myself!! Obsessive ruminating self-doubt. I drank a lot of poison in my loneliness (I.e. just because you are thirsty doesn’t mean you should drink poison...). The server in restaurant thing is big. So much wisdom. Thank you 🙏🏻 ❤️
"Obsessive ruminating self-doubt." Me!! While my red flag alerts are go off in panic attack mode. And some voice says, "You cut people out of your life too soon." The voices of the toxic people in my life, society, etc. LOL
My red flag detector was working... except that I dismissed the flags! I didn't know how concrete and real those flags (and gut feelings) are!
I was told my "picker is broken," but offered no solutions.
Omgosh again I thought this was just me. This channel is rralky helping self awareness ❤
So true. When the red flag warns its a blessing. My personal experience of ignoring the signs has ended with my literally kicking my conscience for being so stupid. Why I ignored the signs is more important because it draws in a whole lot of issues surrounding false and blurred teachings we're conditioned to believe are right for us; cultural, religious etc. What does 'being kind' to our self and others really mean? Turning the other cheek doesn't mean ignoring the red flags and continuing to get slapped down. Biblical wisdom is not about being abused for the good of others I wish that doctors and pastors could heal and teach that too! Unfortunately, without seeing the red flags many fail us all, including themselves. Faith teaches us discernment, but you are so right to point out the personal work that stops us being a slave to CPTSD traits and the need to compensate past losses. 'People pleasing' is one of the worst conditions of spiritual slavery because it blurs the lines between what belongs to us and what belongs to others. Always thankful for your videos Anna. 👍😀
Thank you so much for your great support! Its so true what you say. And I know its never to late to change your life, to reprogram, and work on our selves. Looking back, there were so many red flags in my life. To begin with as little child. If you never got the tools to protect yourself, in my case as the "ugly" scapegoat child, it certainly has a HUGE impact on your later relationships and really all choices. I am now 64 yrs old and I thank you and ALL aware lovely people, including a striking number of really stunnishing young people on the internet I love since we can share this awful severe emotional abuse! I have grown so fast lately! 😃
Thanks to you and all responses shared too.
Keep diving deep, finding you again. And never look for you in the eyes of others again.
Take good care! 😘💕🙏
I know this is mostly for dating but I find it very useful for friends and coworkers as well
That's great!
People will leave you more broken than you where in the beginning.
Breaks my heart it's so true. When family members see you as broken and take advantage.
Dear Anna, I am so Happy that RUclips offered me your videos. I did not experience childhood trauma but trauma in love and abuse in that relationship as adult. After that I could see that it changed me and I was talking to myself last couple of years when I was dating my previous boyfriend that it is like I have lost the clarity and it was painfull to not be ever sure. Also like you said I started to date the boy and was thinking to myself that I was too weak to wait yet if I really want to date him, and I jumped into relationship too soon, then I was still confused if he is the right person. Terrible feeling, I was breaking up with him and then putting up and over again and again. Finally I left him and started to feel better. What you are teaching is giving me hope and is what people need when things are so stuck. Thank you, thank you !!! 😃
My second guessing is crippling.
Thanks for these insightful videos. I used to ignore my intuition and red flags, explaining away toxic behaviors in others thinking I could help them change by loving them more which led to me being more and more abused. One day I woke up and thanks to learning much about my childhood and subsequent abusive relationships and how they impacted me, etc. I realized I had a part in this which was to pay attention to what was really there instead of what I wished were there. Anyhow, I now am experiencing the opposite problem and seeing disturbing behaviors much more. I also get triggered, for example I was removing snow from my car after a huge snow fall and one older lady, a neighbour I barely know in my building was trying to tell me what to do and where to put the snow. This triggered me as I have encountered many control freaks and I was pissed! I continued doing what I was doing but wondered if I should put her in her place or simply ignore her. I am struggling with when to assert myself and when to ignore toxic people, baiters, etc. Do you have any advice on this?
This is a great first step: ruclips.net/video/3N_t0ZSvn_Y/видео.html
Cara@TeamFairy
This video really resonated with me regarding one of my good friends. What I see from him now is that his Red Flag Detector has gone extreme the other way. He has managed to push away so many good people in his life. He sees red flags where there are none other than normal human behavior.
Unfaithfulness and Infidelity is a very serious issue to deal with and it’s a basic threat to 90 percent marriages and relationships.Scars left behind from an abusive, narcissist husband is hard to erase from the mind. He beat me up and we lost one of our baby in the process. I was reluctant at first about finding the truth about my cheating, woman beater husband but I’m glad I finally took the courage for it .I got help from smarthack Hack as they helped clone my cheating, husband and I got access to all his phone text, emails, call logs both deleted texts and also social media chats; whats App , Facebook, Instagram without having access to his phone because he is mostly out of town due to the nature of his work and I was able to track his location too, all I provided was his phone number to this wonderful hacker. This was very revealing for me as he’s a serial cheater until I got into his phone and ended things.I’m glad to uncover his, lies, secrets and Infidelity. You can contact this amazing John via gmail (smarthackhack@gmail ) or text and call on his phone and Whats App : + 1 (661) 485-5860
A great businessman once told me that he makes sure he’s surrounded by smart, great people. It worked for him in the business world so why not practice this in your personal life.
The trauma creates an inability to identify good or bad, as Anna explains. Emotional colour-blindedness .
Thank goodness you cover this!
I didn’t know!
Wow Anna, every word you say in this video reflects me- apparently iam definitely a text book case of CPTS because iam going thru all these things to the exact letter, that you talk about. Iam 71 and more and more every day month and year iam going thru the awareness and direct and blatant suffering from decades of my red flag detector off, and the life ruining and self destructive damages it has done. The deeper awareness has come particularly since i got a divorce in 2016 after a 40 yr marriage, & especially since march when the corona virus came and i have been dealing all alone with the weight and consequences from the pandemic and the toxic trump political crisis. It’s just been becoming more and more aware to me how damaged disadvantaged disabled deeply wounded and broken and dysfunctional my healthy necessary inabilities are, and how my bad choices, and all the things that you said in this video! Have plagued my life. I fee like iam an exact text book case- cuz everything you say is exactly me! Thank you for your videos, i listen to many many of them and they all reflect my severe case of CPTS.....but this video today really hit home, and i have been just currently realizing and becoming aware of these things from this video....i feel so disabled. I’m so greatful for your work and your teachings, and your heart and spirit. Thank you.
So true, those of us healing from and adapting to the symptoms of CPTS really need to just check in and give ourselves a break...and breathe. We would all do well to develop positive activities that help us relax and tune into our inner child that has been ignored for so long. I have found that doing so I become much more attune to people/behaviors who are incompatible with my wellness. Learning and using stress coping strategies is also important. I think what is critical is not only in finally setting and maintaining boundaries (a never ending project for me at least;) but also work at developing at least one healthy and trustworthy friendship...and build from there! In the meantime find healthy online groups, clubs, neighbors-whatever to get you out of isolation! A good bit of advice I learned over the years was if you are in a bind and you need direction, think about what you would say to a true friend that you validated and who validated you, then use that advice to guide you along on your path. Once the wheels get turning, it's amazing how others will be attracted to your positivity and energy, though even that in itself can require a check in, too. Learn to listen and nurture your body.
Two big thumbs up for going S-L-O-W with new friendships. I learned that the hard way many times. And conversely making new friends is hard, but keep at it!
So true!
So the dysfunctional people are out of my life. I moved 3 hours away. Which means they can't call on me to help them with every little thing conveniently. I don't date. And most of the really bad people from childhood are dead or don't have much to do with me. Life is peaceful. I am alone. Now what?. You couldn't pay me a risk all that again. They(media,books) keep saying
you are enough.
That's the new catch phrase. But all the self-help books say you need support. You need people. You need healthy people.
I seem pretty normal on the surface and I get out there and I talk to people and I volunteer places.
But making deeper friendships is a whole other thing.
This video might be good next step! ruclips.net/video/sbcc3vIFbHc/видео.html
-Cara@TeamFairy
This is such good advice. I just went through an experience with a manager at work. I have only been on the project for a month now and my relationship with her had been great. I looked forward to our meetings, we joked and laughed together. It was great. But then in the 4th week she started dumping work on me at the last minute telling me it was due the next day. I guess my red flag detector has gotten better. I set up some things that will at least get her to allow time and set deadlines properly. That bad experience was it. I will no longer trust her or confide in her.
I am that severely broken person that keeps leaving people and I think hurting people
We are usually the last to know, if you've gotten that far you have a real chance to heal ;)
Hi! This is a really helpful video. However, something happened to me. So I was always insecure on trusting people, however, a couple of years ago I started therapy and I feel that my red flag detector was worst than before going to this psicologist. I am no longer going to therapy. Everything that you say here makes sense. Thank you.
Thank you-glad that it resonates!
Thank you. You are helping me fix my Red Flag detector. I am finding people who I have grown up and attended school with are ending up having vastly different world views from my own. So we fight and end up going our separate ways.
Thank you for sharing ;)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Hi Anna, this is a great video. In 12-step recovery they call it, having a broken picker. Boy, I sure have had one. I see myself being restored to sanity but it's super slow. But that's ok. I've been able to recognize three different inappropriate potential mates in the last few months and I'm so grateful. That clarity and going slow - it's gotta be done. I'm thinking there might be hope for me...! Love the daily practice. Thanks for all you do.
You got this! For many of us, slower is faster :) Every baby step counts so you can be proud of yourself! So happy to hear you like the Daily Practice! Keep it up!
Nika@TeamFairy
Dear Anna. Thank you so much for these videos and doing what you do. The way you describe typical CPTSD behaviours, but also what to do about them, really makes sense to me. Having lots of "aha!" moments listening to your kind delivery. You are very much appreciated. Thanks, Elly
Thanks for sharing!!
Strangely, I get huge red flags waving vigorously before me but go ahead and ignore them, nearly every time. I don't seem capable of listening to my own, very keen warning sirens. Why?
We really learned to not trust ourselves, but this can definitely change :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Your words hit home....thank you..
I’ve called this allowance of bs into my life a condition of my “people-picker” being broken or out of order or never even working to begin with!!
Another video where you speak to my entire soul.
I'm so glad I found your channel. It was by recommendation. I havent stopped watching them. It's now
2 am. You have remarkable content.
Welcome aboard!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I’m glad I’m recognizing when other people are not good for me. Recently, a neighbor came up to me just to talk and threw in there how frustrated she was with the across the street neighbors dogs barking. I said, huh, I’m not outside as often as you so I don’t hear them much. And then changed the subject.
A month later I was out walking and the across the street neighbor was out and we started chatting. About a half hour into talking about their projects and her antique oven she then asked me if I told my neighbor that I was frustrated with her dogs because she was told I was. Ugh... I just plainly said no and chanced the subject.
Now I know which two women to steer clear of and keep it very superficial. I think I could have caught this sooner but I’ve only had less than 3 interactions with that neighbor and the other one. So who knows.
ugh. neighbors of this type.... Good work!
I removed toxic people recently. Now not anyone left. And with covid how do I find healthy friends?
Hang in there - not much you can do with a pandemic. Hope you like reading but good people are out there ... good luck!
@@mmmmlllljohn Thanks!
@Karen S Thank you!
I can't connect with healthy men because my dad died when I was 12, and I just can't help myself but pick emotionally unavailable men, that make me re-live that abandonment. It sucks, what can I say. Thank you for creating this space, I know most people with AA, ACA, Al-anon experience are looking for a real mentor.
That is the story you have about yourself but it can change, we have a lot of help for those stuck with a story they don't like courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com/
-Cara@TeamFairy
You are so right, we can unsee truth.
Hi I've recently found you. So far I've been able to get alot of insightful help. thanks. Sending love your way.
There are people who show you only good sides of themselves until you have taken the time and finally gotten attached to them... Then they let out their true beautiful narc self. But by them one is too into it to get out. How to get out when that happens?
When we know we want out, we take the steps we need to. Different steps for everyone. Working on ourselves will really help to end patterns of choosing people who don't make us happy.
I wish I had heard your videos 40 yrs ago! Thought my earthly father was a so-called preacher, I grew up in hell! I refer my childhood home as an insane asylum! I thank GOD today I still have some brain cells left!!!
For me it's so easy to tell friends when they're dealing with someone toxic, but I always end caught up in a feeling of wanting to protect and help those close to me, so I try and try to help them until I'm burnout by my own issues catching up to me and when I need the support, those specific people are completely unable to help (I don't even expect them to).
I drag that type of friendship for long enough until they turn against me and say hurtful things because I fail to be there for them 100% of the time or I fail to be what they want me to (for example, they would want to be the #1 person in my life but also I'm a bad person and they don't trust me)
It's confusing because I have what I believe are healthy friendships where we don't talk every day, but we're there for eachother, we rant to eachother and support eachother, we rarely fight and when fights happen, both parties are quick to say sorry and move on without holding grudges.
But the toxic people I met are those who I end up talking to every day until everything blows up, and even afterwards since I try to give them at least one chance to change. At this very moment I have no toxic person around me, but I feel extremely alone, even with my good friends around there's a weird feeling of longing for people I have more in common with, and like you said I think that's what is making me so vulnerable to these issues.
7, I hear you. When we have traumas in our past, we tend to attract the same kind of people. When we change and become more confident, we will attract different people. I think, unfortunately, the experiences help us grow even if it’s a lousy way to learn to grow. But, we have the capacity to learn and capacity to change for the better.
I had few friends growing up, they were close friends. However, as we moved to the next stage of life, marriage and children, things changed dramatically. I think there were many reasons the friendships didn’t last. Over a decade later, I still feel sad. I know the time of our friendships have come to an end. I do believe it is fate. I’m moving to the next phase of my life and they don’t belong there. They have their path and I have mine. Today, I have no friends from my childhood (except one who lives in another continent.)
Maybe your ideal self knows what a healthy relationship looks like but your actual self takes pity and is very kind (or more harshly, can’t say no). I think a happy person sets boundaries. When you decided to help someone, it should be unconditional. However, you have to decide what and when it is going to be a no. It’s just my rambling, keep what’s useful and throw out what’s not. :-)
@@pt8421 I am very grateful for your insight, I honestly appreciate it!
I will take the time to watch my actions more and see if I'm having lax boundaries.
I agree, and I think it's okay that not all friendships we make last a lifetime, since there's always something to learn from it. There's some peace when you just drift apart from someone knowing both of you just took different life paths.
Fate is a good way to describe it, I like to think everyone you meet has a lesson to teach you and after that's done they may or may not stay around.
I hope your life is going well, and again, thank you very much for sharing your thoughts.
7 Wow! I appreciated your reply! I’m very glad I could help. I used to desperately want new friends but realized if I’m ok, friends will come. I have to focus on getting regulated and calm. I still get triggered over many things even around friends (I’m sure Covid is wrecking their anxiety as well). We have to remember we are living in an abnormal time. Be kind to ourselves and others (not to the point of abuse and neglect, of course). I wish you well. :-)
@@pt8421
I agree, we need to be okay and friends will come!
I wish you well too! Stay safe out there, these are indeed tough times, but we'll pull through!
Hi Anna, sorry I didn't see the 3rd tip for healing in the video? It goes 1. Get clear about the red flags 2. Take time to get to know someone to see the red flags. 4. Daily practice.
`'we can unsee the truth``, hahaha, it´s so true! all love for you Anna!
Thank you Anna, you're amazing
In my childhood we were taught to not ask questions. I also was taught that I was too “sensitive” or I would freeze and it wouldn’t hit me. So when I started dating I always thought “oh this person is telling the truth because I never asked questions!!” Then when I did see the truth after noticing things weren’t adding up. I would leave/block with no warning. My detector was off
Thankyou❤ Edit: Slowing things down is great advice and I'm taking it.
Oh good!
Over exposure of chaos and fear at early stages of developement turns off your sensitivity dangerous people or bad relationships.
What if your red flag detector goes off with people close to you and you arent sure there is any evidence to back up those feelings so you end up shutting good people out or living not fully trusting anyone around you?
That is the question!!! The one that has caused me a lot of anxiety.
I love your ability to express exact feelings in all these scenarios.
She always impresses :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Yes, can't seem to get rid of fear and the dread of what's going to happen. A very clear video may I say. Thanks.
You're very welcome! The Daily Practice is a great way to process fears and resentment. If you’re interested, you can try it for free here: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Nika@TeamFairy
The problem with me is I get red flags with almost everyone as I have massive trust issues with people as a HSP
Oh my god this couldn't have come at a better time for me...looking forward to this video
Thank you so much .Probably the best christmas " present " i ever received because of some points i m getting from your knowledge and expertise that are allowing more truth toward myself.
Wish you a lot of fun and joy . Jazzy cheers from belgium .
And again thank you, being myself in a situation where i " unsee " sh.t . Makes a ton of sens . I was calling this scatoma or denials and then cognitive dissonances where freaking brutal . Feeling hope . Will watch this couple of times after the first view . And , i know this is crazy comment but i have to say it again : thank you from the bottom of my hart .
Can't wait to enroll and start the courses . Thanks .
I love every video you make. They really resonate w me! I am learning so much
I'm so glad!
Thank you for creating this community, Anna. Your videos are always so helpful. I know corona is making life hard nowadays so thank you for keeping up with these videos. It doesnt seem easy🙏
Thank you!!
Thank you so much Anna. This is so helpful
You're so welcome
I am certain these teachings are going to save my rear. First time in my entire adult life I have REAL hope. thank you so much!!
I wrote a list of my personal red flags and situations to look out and action to then take so I can remind myself when my red flag detector is down. Like for example you arrange to do something together in the town or city centre but you find yourself being dragged round clothes shops, being taken somewhere remote or to their home or being taken on a drive out into the countryside. Or you are in a group and everybody is mimicking the leader in how they speak, the clothes they wear or what they choose to eat and you know one or two of them are going against what they believe or their moral code.
Great start!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you again.
Thanks for watching! -Calista@TeamFairy
You are so lovely and awesome. I wish you had been my therapist! Unfortunately, my picker is so broken from being raised by narcissists, I chose a narcissistic therapist. ☺️ Anyway, the timing of me seeing this video could not have been more perfect because I fired a client today and was second-guessing my decision, but seeing this confirms my gut was right, so thank you! 🙏🏻♥️
OMG life-changing at 57. Thank you! 🥺😳😥💌
Sometimes people are haters and don’t want you with someone good for you so you need to make sure you’re hater detector ain’t broken either
I didn't HAVE a red-flag detector until I had been kicked around so badly that detecting douchebags became second nature. Seriously, I found out by coincidence that I could spot one from across the room. I was working in a Hallmark gift shop; one of my coworkers was "dating" a young man who was feeding her the biggest line of horse doodoo - classic "I want to break up with my girlfriend but she's sick so I can't". Really, did this guy read Jane Eyre once too often? Anyway, I saw this good-looking young guy looking at greeting cards and I though, "Omg, that's HIM!" And it was.
This should be a movie. Good story!
Sounds like my ex husband while I’m sick he is sleeping with the brother in laws little sister. Know the signs and be cautious! Us ladies and gents need to be super careful! These guys and sometimes women destroy people then don’t leave!!!
Your energy is so compassionate ❤️
Thank you!
8:49 Ugh... Me with men. Where are the pure men? Thank you for what you do and for making this video.
I hear you and if it could happen for me, it can happen for you :)
-Cara@TeamFairy