We are told not to blame someone who hurts us. Blame needs to be placed where it belongs. It isn't about punishing family that hurt you. It is about placing responsibility where it belongs. It blame isn't acknowledged the victim is forever punished.
It's so difficult for people like Sherrie explaining, ( -and I come from this same 14% dual dysfunctional parent category she mentioned- ), to explain to other people (the masses) complexities of this nature they've either never experienced , or never took the time to delve into within their own personal lives. In general, people seem to love to pseudo- empathize with the surface level (rather than looking beyond the veil), and the toxic people and parents recognize this and work it to their advantage.
I look forward to reading more and listening more of Sherrie's work. I agree with so much of what she has said wholeheartedly and could relate and identify with a lot of it almost to the tee. The one thing that can be difficult in doing one's work is finding a therapist who goes into this type of process. I know they exist, but they are not so easy to find!
Dr. Sherrie's book is so helpful for those of us raised in toxicity. Another excellent book, especially for scapegoats, is "Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed" by Rebecca Mandeville. Thank you for this interview.
00:17:17 Absolutely brilliant framing. 00:27:47 "With integrity, you will have nothing to fear since you have nothing to hide. With integrity you will do the right thing so you will have no guilt." -Zig Ziglar
OMG, I totally get it! I joined the Airforce to escape the enmeshment [then married the familiar]. I was the boundary setter in my family but, I will admit: The only reason I was able to was because I was several hundred miles away....it was a lot easier! I don't think I could have survived if I had stayed behind. It would have been too difficult to keep from getting sucked in. I remember an episode in a talk show maybe 20 years ago and I was so disgusted because the host couldn't frickin' GET it...."How could you do that to your mother?!" Ummmm.....no point trying to explain further. Dr. Sherrie, I think you and I have a lot in common and this is so validating.
IF there's going to be forgiveness and forgiving it should come last, AFTER the perpetrator's poor behavior has been addressed and corrected. There first HAS to be noticeable, consistent change worthy of being forgiven for...in other words, something has to be offered up in exchange for that forgiveness. (I think of forgiveness like the caboose on the tail end of a train...it comes at the end if the exchange is worthy.)
"And I decided I didn't have it in me to mend the fence anymore, which was my job as the fence-mender and the scapegoat." I experienced this too, after my sibling isolated me from the rest of the family, who of course believed her lies. Hearing these words helped me. Thank you.
I would love it for someone to write a book with different stories of their narcissist, giving them a place to get it out and have a voice and maybe help others because they'd likely find a story that resonates.
16:53 yes! My mom would insert her dominance by saying at a restaurant with my dads side of the family how my oldest sister was “the best child” out of middle sister and I. Like I am sitting there thinking “What about the parenting?” 😵💫 I’m like self-doubting myself in that moment like is or was there something wrong with me for being a child.
Very logical and that is what I faced with my therapist so far. Only 1 relative outside of our family helped me to see them realistically. Also, let’s not forget that therapist make money from the victims/ not the perpetrators.
I have no doubt that her parents tell a completely different story that puts them in the victim role. That is what my parents did after they had so blatantly betrayed and abandoned me, ostracized me, took my abusers side against me, helping him destroy my life, and they maintain a relationship with him to this day making it very clear to me that there is no place for me or for love in this family. Even after years of betrayal and abuse I said I would be willing to talk through what happened with the help of a therapist and they could choose the therapist, and without hesitation my mother blurted out that they no longer trusted therapists. She was at that point trying to blame what they had done on following the bad advice of a therapist. Mind you they never apologized to me or admitted that anything wrong, happened to me.
I have already cut off one toxic parent after 50 years, this past year, the other is deceased after being an alcoholic until I was a teenager. He sobered up when I was in Junior High and then passed in Jan 1995 from a heart attack. My birth giver was an enabler, also yep I was blamed for her losing a job when I was born because she had applied to be a court stenographer and the Judge did not like the fact she already had two kids. In his opinion she should be at home taking care of her home. When I became no longer a cute baby doll, she could dress up and show off the degrading began. She was also verbally and physically abusive to me and to my children. Oh yes, the charming personality is quickly over ; once you're willing to scrape off the veneer.
I got the book I am ready for my healing journey. These youtube video about the webinar on the book and information for working through learning healthy boundaries and learning healthy relationship and learning how to stay away from 7 types NPD others will lead to a better life. Thank for the webinar video.
This interpretation of Eriksson is questionable in that he didn’t say that if you don’t meet your Developmental assignment at each stage, you carry that with you into the next one. (She uses the Autonomy V Shame & Doubt stage of toddlerhood/preschool associated with independence tasks like potty training & language acquisition) Eriksson sees these tasks or assignments as being carried out by the child ie does the child learn to do this positive thing? (Autonomy in this eg). The focus is always on the child as a vital, growing, resilient co-creator of the stage. So children can be given all the abundant love & security, yet one child will have more trust than another because there’s an immeasurable component of the equation of how that child is wired, with personality traits that are as immutable as their blonde hair or green eyes. This is a gross misuse of the theory in that it doesn’t allow anything for the child’s strengths, to be creative, to be resilient. And children are both.
I'm extremely concerned for my daughter who is hurt. I feesl that your seeming interest to blame someone for doing the best they knew how at the time is abusive in itself. It makes someone who is interested in the wellbeing of their child simply someone who is immature and (maybe not willfully) out to hurt from their own lack of love/caring/interst for their child. Not sure I'm on board with the apparent lack of wisdom here.
You don’t say how your daughter is hurt? You sound like a well balanced mum, trying her best. I have acknowledged that my mum loved me the only way she knew how. I’ve forgiven her, she just doesn’t know; she’ll say there is nothing to forgive. At 53 I’m at peace.
I would tend think parents truly concerned about their child's hurt would be curious about their own role in that and become curious about why, in order to understand this person's hurt in the interest in helping them instead of being worried about being seen a certain way. It's about the kids, not the parent.
We are told not to blame someone who hurts us. Blame needs to be placed where it belongs. It isn't about punishing family that hurt you. It is about placing responsibility where it belongs. It blame isn't acknowledged the victim is forever punished.
It's so difficult for people like Sherrie explaining, ( -and I come from this same 14% dual dysfunctional parent category she mentioned- ), to explain to other people (the masses) complexities of this nature they've either never experienced , or never took the time to delve into within their own personal lives. In general, people seem to love to pseudo- empathize with the surface level (rather than looking beyond the veil), and the toxic people and parents recognize this and work it to their advantage.
16:20- HOLY Mackerel!! That's me. Unbelievable conversation!! Thank you!
Hit every nail on the head! Definitely getting her books. Thank you Dr. Campbell ❤️
I definitely understand, I have two toxic parents as well. This is such good information, thank you so much.
Listened to the whole thing. I loved her book “but it’s your family”. Great conversation thank you ❤
I look forward to reading more and listening more of Sherrie's work. I agree with so much of what she has said wholeheartedly and could relate and identify with a lot of it almost to the tee. The one thing that can be difficult in doing one's work is finding a therapist who goes into this type of process. I know they exist, but they are not so easy to find!
Dr. Sherrie's book is so helpful for those of us raised in toxicity.
Another excellent book, especially for scapegoats, is "Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed" by Rebecca Mandeville.
Thank you for this interview.
00:17:17 Absolutely brilliant framing.
00:27:47 "With integrity, you will have nothing to fear since you have nothing to hide. With integrity you will do the right thing so you will have no guilt." -Zig Ziglar
OMG, I totally get it! I joined the Airforce to escape the enmeshment [then married the familiar]. I was the boundary setter in my family but, I will admit: The only reason I was able to was because I was several hundred miles away....it was a lot easier! I don't think I could have survived if I had stayed behind. It would have been too difficult to keep from getting sucked in.
I remember an episode in a talk show maybe 20 years ago and I was so disgusted because the host couldn't frickin' GET it...."How could you do that to your mother?!" Ummmm.....no point trying to explain further.
Dr. Sherrie, I think you and I have a lot in common and this is so validating.
IF there's going to be forgiveness and forgiving it should come last, AFTER the perpetrator's poor behavior has been addressed and corrected.
There first HAS to be noticeable, consistent change worthy of being forgiven for...in other words, something has to be offered up in exchange for that forgiveness. (I think of forgiveness like the caboose on the tail end of a train...it comes at the end if the exchange is worthy.)
"And I decided I didn't have it in me to mend the fence anymore, which was my job as the fence-mender and the scapegoat."
I experienced this too, after my sibling isolated me from the rest of the family, who of course believed her lies.
Hearing these words helped me. Thank you.
I would love it for someone to write a book with different stories of their narcissist, giving them a place to get it out and have a voice and maybe help others because they'd likely find a story that resonates.
I'm still doing the work. This hit me hard. Thank you for this.
16:53 yes! My mom would insert her dominance by saying at a restaurant with my dads side of the family how my oldest sister was “the best child” out of middle sister and I. Like I am sitting there thinking “What about the parenting?” 😵💫 I’m like self-doubting myself in that moment like is or was there something wrong with me for being a child.
Very logical and that is what I faced with my therapist so far. Only 1 relative outside of our family helped me to see them realistically. Also, let’s not forget that therapist make money from the victims/ not the perpetrators.
Raw but very honest and true.
MOST POWERFUL PODCAST ON TOXIC FAMILIES EVER MADE❤❤❤
SEVERING TIES IS LIKE SEVERING A LIMB IS A PRFOUNDLY POWERFUL X DEVESTATINGLY ACCURATE ANALOGY🐼
I have no doubt that her parents tell a completely different story that puts them in the victim role. That is what my parents did after they had so blatantly betrayed and abandoned me, ostracized me, took my abusers side against me, helping him destroy my life, and they maintain a relationship with him to this day making it very clear to me that there is no place for me or for love in this family. Even after years of betrayal and abuse I said I would be willing to talk through what happened with the help of a therapist and they could choose the therapist, and without hesitation my mother blurted out that they no longer trusted therapists. She was at that point trying to blame what they had done on following the bad advice of a therapist. Mind you they never apologized to me or admitted that anything wrong, happened to me.
Oh my goodness. So true.
I have already cut off one toxic parent after 50 years, this past year, the other is deceased after being an alcoholic until I was a teenager. He sobered up when I was in Junior High and then passed in Jan 1995 from a heart attack. My birth giver was an enabler, also yep I was blamed for her losing a job when I was born because she had applied to be a court stenographer and the Judge did not like the fact she already had two kids. In his opinion she should be at home taking care of her home.
When I became no longer a cute baby doll, she could dress up and show off the degrading began. She was also verbally and physically abusive to me and to my children. Oh yes, the charming personality is quickly over ; once you're willing to scrape off the veneer.
I got the book I am ready for my healing journey. These youtube video about the webinar on the book and information for working through learning healthy boundaries and learning healthy relationship and learning how to stay away from 7 types NPD others will lead to a better life.
Thank for the webinar video.
Wow very helpful
How does a child become toxic to a point of being written off by a parent?
How do you manipulate hope?
Exactly. Let them be themselves. Alone. That is their choice to behave terribly. Remember, Merlin lived backwards ❤.
This interpretation of Eriksson is questionable in that he didn’t say that if you don’t meet your Developmental assignment at each stage, you carry that with you into the next one. (She uses the Autonomy V Shame & Doubt stage of toddlerhood/preschool associated with independence tasks like potty training & language acquisition)
Eriksson sees these tasks or assignments as being carried out by the child ie does the child learn to do this positive thing? (Autonomy in this eg).
The focus is always on the child as a vital, growing, resilient co-creator of the stage.
So children can be given all the abundant love & security, yet one child will have more trust than another because there’s an immeasurable component of the equation of how that child is wired, with personality traits that are as immutable as their blonde hair or green eyes.
This is a gross misuse of the theory in that it doesn’t allow anything for the child’s strengths, to be creative, to be resilient. And children are both.
I'm extremely concerned for my daughter who is hurt. I feesl that your seeming interest to blame someone for doing the best they knew how at the time is abusive in itself. It makes someone who is interested in the wellbeing of their child simply someone who is immature and (maybe not willfully) out to hurt from their own
lack of love/caring/interst for their child. Not sure I'm on board with the apparent lack of wisdom here.
You don’t say how your daughter is hurt? You sound like a well balanced mum, trying her best. I have acknowledged that my mum loved me the only way she knew how. I’ve forgiven her, she just doesn’t know; she’ll say there is nothing to forgive. At 53 I’m at peace.
I would tend think parents truly concerned about their child's hurt would be curious about their own role in that and become curious about why, in order to understand this person's hurt in the interest in helping them instead of being worried about being seen a certain way. It's about the kids, not the parent.
@@ethorsen36 Thank you so much for those words. You gave me a response I've been looking for for awhile. Appreciate it.