I have a narcissistic son who has alienated me from my grandson. In my healing journey from codependency, I came to realize that I needed to cut ties with my narcissistic family members, including my son. Holding on for breadcrumbs was just too painful.
I’m right there with my youngest daughter. I saw the beginning of this at 16 and prayed it would get better. It has gotten way worse, and I too don’t see my grandson because of this. I HAD to cut ties after yrs of counselling, but it’s STILL very painful.
It is awful. I just keep putting away little mementoes for my granddaughter, and hope she will find me when she is 18. We were so close, and I really hope she remembers those times even a little bit :( Extortion is the name of the game for sure. No amount of money is enough for them.
I too am alienated from both my sons. Their father was a narcissist and did a huge amount of damage to my relationship with my children. He passed away last year but the influence he had is deeply engrained in them. I'm embarrassed to say I don't have a relationship with my kids. Everyday I think of them and the pain continues. I have a great counselor that I speak with but I wish I knew more when the children were young. Thank you Dr Ramani for teaching us all. I look forward to all of your videos.
If you like to do anything find a group and do that. Cook, read, knit, crochet, exercise. Anything to fill the void. We cannot decide I must have this relative friendship etc. We love them. Then walk on. I want to be happy. I want to live a long time. My son or your son does not want that. Then walk on. The only way to be happy.
I feel your pain darling. I’ve been alienated from my daughter and 3 grandchildren I cannot have contact with. Going on 16 years. My ex was a malicious narcissist. And, I have paid the price. Stay strong sweetheart 🕊❤️
I have a message for parents of adult, narcissistic children who are abusive. Two things that have become very clear to me: It doesn't matter who it is that's being abusive, you must go no contact. Another very clear thing: I did not cause this. While I do think abusive parenting can cause personality disorders in children, I know that my parenting did not cause this disorder in my son. My son was loved, cherished, and brought up to be emotionally intelligent through gentle parenting. His genetics overcame all of that. His siblings are wonderful, caring, compassionate human beings. He was born this way and despite 20 years of intense help, rescues, resources, bail-outs, and money for treatment he refuses to do anything to be better. I'm convinced narcissism is genetic. My father was diagnosed with NPD, and my son also has NPD. After more than 2 decades of abuse, threats, theft, broken promises and violent outbursts we went no contact with my son. I'm absolutely in therapy trying to process all of this. I hope society and the therapist community comes to a place of not automatically blaming the parent. Please, parents, be gentle and loving with yourself! Our parenting mistakes here and there don't cause NPD. This is inherited, genetic, and YOU can't fix it.
Thank you. My son's dad abandoned us when he was less than 1 but I remarried a WONDERFUL man that raised him since 3? As his own. He had very loving and hands on grandparents and I've never been able to figure out what went wrong with him. He's been to prison and jail and many rehabs. I'm grieving his loss and am devastated and his behavior is literally KILLING me. Thank you for any wise words you can throw this way. He's my only child but I do have 2 lovely stepchildren and 6 grandchildren and too many to count nieces, nephews and greats. I just wish I could have my son😢
Thank you for qualifying a mother's emotional pain and deep hurt. - I read many of the comments and realize I am not alone. My heart goes out to all parents who have lost a child to narcissism. Death would offer closure...narcissism only causes endless pain and suffering for both parties.
My daughter was such a sweet girl growing up, unfortunately her narcissistic father, whom I divorced, somehow changed all her memories to a bunch of lies. This girl, whom I don’t recognize anymore, has become highly skilled at manipulating those around her. She had joined forces with my sister and turned my parents against me. She’s cruel and heartless, I find it so hard to believe the sweet, loving girl who cuddled with me every night, has turned into such a monster. She’s no longer my child. I don’t know this person that does such horrific things to hurt me. Lonely and painful is an understatement. I’m having difficulty functioning from all the pain. I’ve lost my entire family and will always blame myself for not having left my ex earlier, if I had, she wouldn’t have turned out this way. It’s like grieving for the loss of a child that no longer exists.
This is so painful for me ! I stayed to long in the marriage and my 25 year old daughter has been behaving like my husband (who I am divorcing). I had no idea this could happen but she has this entitlement issue (that I have been dealing with) and only today 10 minutes ago I have the answer to her behavior. I knew she was a lot like him but I kept saying no this can’t be true. Dr you have opened my eyes again !❤
@@cindymcdonnell2119 It’s very painful, I had to cut off all ties with her because I realized, like you, that she really was like her father. Staying involved with her, was destroying me. She would pretend to have changed every time she wanted something from me, then she would discard me in a cruel way. I’ll always love her and pray that she wakes up some day, but I had to cut ties and I even moved out of state. I’m starting to heal now. I’m finally out of the abusive cycle. Unfortunately, I realized that the only way to save myself was to walk away from my entire family. Not an easy feat but the only way I was going to survive and now I know I can thrive as well. I’m so glad you’re getting out. It won’t be easy but it will be worth it. I no longer feel small or like a victim, I’ve taken my power back and now I want to help others do the same. There’s life after narcissistic abuse! Hang in there Cindy, you are loved!
I am sorry what you are going through, but don't blame yourself. You are not the only one who raised your daughter she had lots of other influences in her life also that made her the way she is. School, friends, social media, family, work, some good influences some bad influences. Bad influences who encourage her to turn on you, or who bad mouth you to her. Have a think about this. Also genetics plays a part in a adults personality also. Ask yourself this...if you had left your husband sooner do you think she would be different, or would she have still found a reason to be angry at you? You stay with your husband adult child blames you for staying, you leave husband adult child blames you for being in a broken home and divorcing her father... Some adult children no matter what you do they will find something to blame you for. Some adult children you can't win with. Some adult children have the victim mentality as it gets them attention, sympathy sometimes even money from people and it's their pay-off.
I hear you. I lost my sweet child of a daughter to narcissism as well. I should have divorced her narcissistic mother soon after her birth. How is one supposed to know? I cried all my tears a couple of years ago, the hurt can still surface from time to time however, I don't think that will change. Peace.
My only child (daughter) too was near perfect from birth to 10th grade. She experienced bullying in high school and it completely changed her. We were so close but after the bullying, she is unrecognizable to me. She’s almost 32 and we’re estranged. She has weaponized my only grandchild against me. My husband and I are planning to move away when he retires. It’s all just too painful and never ending drama.
The day I realized that my adult daughter wasn't going to change, was that day I said, "I'm done." No further communication from me proved to have saved me from an entire life of grief. I'm missing out on a lot, but I'm happy, mentally healthy and in peace.
I too, have the same story. Its challenging, but I have a far more peaceful life without being manipulated and abused. I know I'm doing the right thing.
My daughter is 18 and on her last year of high school. I haven’t felt peace since she was about 4. She has manipulated my husband so much that we have come very close to divorce, after 20 years of marriage. My daughter is very pleased when my husband and I fight (all fights are over her). Im so over this that I’m almost ready to walk away from them both. 3 months left until her graduation and 5 months until she is off to college. I may make it the three months but absolutely not the 5 months. My husband will NOT let me kick her out after high school. She has enough money in her savings to live off for the summer, I made sure of that! One of us are going to have to go because I’m done.
I just made the decision to do the same when my daughter decided to punish me on Mother’s Day by making me think we were spending the day together so I drove an hour to be with her and she wasn’t there, she went to spend the day with her Mother-in-law instead of her Mother. I was heartbroken once again. I can’t handle the pain anymore. It’s destroying me. I never should have allowed their father to have taken them every other weekend, I know those weekends she was fed lies about me and eventually she believed the lies and turned into a monster. How does one ever recover from this?
This is a big step forward from codependency🎉🎉 I just drew the line with my narcissistic daughter. I too will miss out on a lot meaning my grandchildren. However, I don’t reward or accept unacceptable behaviour from anyone.
Lainielou as much as I don't want to, I know in the future I'm going to have to cut him off. It will be my way of showing him I will not tolerate abuse PERIOD.
You have to surrender them because they won't change. I have a malignant narcissist daughter and it didn't matter what I did for her she played the victim, triangulation with everyone, she is just out to destroy me anyway she can. She blames everyone for her unhappiness not realising she will always be unhappy. If I'm in her life she blames me, if im not in her life she blames me for her unhappiness, its never ending. She's blocked me and I'm so relieved, I hope she doesn't unblock me but she will because im narcissistic supply, only she doesn't know I know who she is and that's a blessing.
I’m at the cutoff cliff, but couldn’t leap. However, she has become progressively worse. I thought I could take the lying attacks, constant victimization, abuse, & zero - I mean zero accountability. I can’t. The disdain and disrespect is getting worse. I may not leap, but I am climbing down. The cutoff is very hard.
My daughter is 42 and we haven't spoken in over 10 years. Yes, therapy is a must and don't think for a minute that it's not needed. The worst for me is loosing a daughter that is a live. My son passed away at 26 after a long illness and that pain is so different. It's like a double knock-out blow, each blow landing in a different area in the head. For the parents that are starting this journey -- you are not alone. There are many that have gone a head and have learned to live each day to the fullest. Again, therapy is a must. Will I ever see or hear from my daughter? Probably not and if I do, I will protect myself before protecting her. Do I love her and miss her? Yes and yes. Do I know her after all these years? No. Would I try to reconcile? Yes, with therapy only! Best of luck to each of you in this muck of life. Let the tears flow when needed and don't forget that you are a human being with purpose.
Well said! I couldn’t of said it better! You are 100% right. Hang in there. My daughter did the same to me. She took my grand baby away from me for 5 years. I never gave up trying to see my grandchild and always reached out. Often with the door slammed in my face. I finally got through to see my grandchild. She is now a teenager whom I am just now building a relationship with. It’s been a long road. I completely empathize with your post because I remember my early stages and they were excruciating. If I knew what I know now, life would look so different. Thank God for therapy because that sure helps alleviate some of the pain. Take care of you! I know it’s hard but you are going to get through this! God bless you ❤.
Thank you for this comment. I came to the hard realization TODAY 12/31/22 my son is a narcissist. I'm waiting on a locksmith to change all the locks on my home right now. He blamed me for everything wrong in his life. 15 years since high school and I've been the one THINKING/BELIEVING "this time" he'd "get it". He hasn't, I realize now he's been using me all along while draining my emotional and physical resources. I had to admit to myself, out loud, he neither respected nor loved me. Adding to the grief, I'm also a caregiver for my mom...the sandwich generation mentioned in this video. I understand now, clearly, that you can't help anyone who WON'T help THEMSELVES.
It was very hard for me to find a therapist who could understand my pain. Most therapists are so trained to "save the child from the wicked parent" (and I'm not saying that that's not needed: I was removed from my parents for child abuse) that they couldn't or wouldn't understand that the shoe was on the other foot this time.
Well there is always a possibility to have a narcistic child, that's why I don't choose to have a child, if the child isn't narcistic it will meet narcistic people. So there is no win to have a child.
@LiveonDASH Went through that myself. Daughter said, "I bet you don't remember what you did to me because you were drunk." This of course in front of family which was horrifying. I played along and said, "Ok, so I was drunk, and I can't remember, so can you please tell me?" To which she replied, "You don't deserve to know." So that was that. Three years later, I still don't know and I'm coming around to the truth that she made a fool out me in front of family and friends, just for the sheer lying pleasure of it.
Yes. My daughter had me in such a low place. I could never imagine saying and doing such God awful things to my beloved mother. I'm a normally cheerful person but she had me feeling like I couldn't go on. And that was scary.
Having to completely let go of a harmful, shadow-dwelling narcissistic child as a matter of self-preservation truly hurts at the womb level, but not as much as the pain of letting them snuff out the Light within you. If you’ve done all you could to cultivate a loving relationship with them, gave it your all (almost!), then guess what? There was nothing more you could give and still have a Self. So hold your head up, allow time to heal, and move on in the knowledge you gave the best of your love. You kept your promise to be a good parent and that's something you can live with. (And nevermind whether or not anyone else understands. Live your truth!)
@@saadtee1356 I'm glad it resonates with you. It took me a long time to get in control of the hurt. But I had to, if I am to live my remaining years in peace. I'm against doing battle w someone, putting your very being at risk, just to give them your love and devotion. Everything you need to get through it is right within you. You got this!
My son went through a phase where at least once a month hed have outburst. I offered to help him get help but nope. I went dark on him blocking phome and social media after a yearcand a half he found Hod let go of a couple of nasty habits changed his life. We have an adult t adult respectful relationship now. Surrendervthem to God, your higher piwer whom i personally choose to call God Father of Jesus
I learned on my own that walking away from my son and his family was the salvation to my mental health. I was tired of being blamed for cloudy weather.
After my Granny passed, her sister told me years later, that she would often cry about how her son and his wife (my mum) treat her. They didnt really care for her, but enjoyed spending all her money. she lived upstairs in our house but could barely walk stairs, so she barely ever came out of her room. And she felt so hungry every morning, from 5 AM on, as my parents slept in til 9.30 daily. She had to ask me to bring her food from the kitchen every morning around 7 when I got myself ready for school. I totally forgot that until my Granny's sis reminded me of that fact. I ran up and down the stairs for coffee, cheese, bread etc for her and didnt even think about it because I loved her. It was so natural for me to help her. And she would sob " what have I done wrong with my son?" To her confidant. I am sure that he broke her heart in the worst way. I hated him for other reasons, but for making the sweetest most loving Granny cry, I hate him even some more. And my mum too. I do love her but I somewhat hate her for being so egocentric and unkind, unloving. Man remembering all that really sucks. 💔 Also, seeing her in pictures, smiling als a young woman but never smiling in her old age, really makes sense now. This lady lost 2 children during WW2 and treated her third child like a prince. She loved him dearly and he turned out to be an irresponsible bad character person. What a shame it must have been for her. And an incredible disappointment. Sorry for writing so much but my Granny is my soft spot. 😅
I am so sorry your lovely granny experienced all that pain. But it must have been a blessing to have you around. I'm childless (though I always loved children). The more I hear stories like this, the more I realize children aren't always a blessing unfortunately. Take care.
Yes. They treat people like dogs. You feel like you're stuck in a cage and every once in a while they need an audience so they let you out. The lies and manipulations never ends. It is misery.
Remember the trips you took up and down the stairs for your Granny and smile. Your efforts probably meant more to her then anything else. Be good to yourself and remember your 'soft spot' fondly. My soft spot was my mother-in-law. We loved to hate each other and when I needed to 'land' somewhere, her arms were always open. Wow, I miss her so much! Thanks for your story and may this new year be the best for you. Hugs!
This made me cry. I have one child who is now 50 . . and so aggressive towards me . . unless I give him money . . and then even then . . it isn't enough. Now I realize that I have nobody in my old age. I'm so frightened of him, and I've told him that . . but it just makes him smirk. I wish I'd never become a mother . . .
This was divine timing... Thank you and all who have commented. I thought I was crazy and somewhat alone and a bad person. Nope no way not anymore.. I'm done!
It is unbelievable the amount of people that are going through this nightmare. I feel so unbelievably alone and so defeated. Thank you all for sharing your stories so that it can help me feel like I’m not alone.
I'm in year 5 of estrangement by my only daughter who is now 41. It took a while, but I am finally, mercifully and unapologetically indifferent to her. That's the only way to heal.
*Same here Leigh.. The opposite of Love isn't hate...It's indifference. I no* *longer cry, am sad, or mad...Just indifferent. That is such a great "Safe"* *place to be! My cut off date has been a year.*
Agree. A daughter-in-law married my sweet, loving and kind son, and he became exactly like her, as well as her pawn to attack his parents. We were forced to cut the duo off. I grew up with a narc mother, only realised it in the new millennium....but always respected my parents, as the bible says, not understanding their unpleasant ways. Till they died , when all the info about narcissism came to light.
I've had to let my adult children go . At my advanced age ,and living with a serious illness , I came to realize that the relationship was virtually killing me . I held on until then . My children were big pieces in my life , and there are few people in this world who will love them like I did . My mental and physical state are much improvement since I've come to accept this situation , and I hold out no expectations that things will get better between us will get better. My heart feels like a desert now .
So much truth said. My narc brother has spent decades ruining and damaging people. He killed his father from the stress of dealing with him. His mother has spent her life literally following him from place to place paying his bills, child support, rent, car payments, etc., while he rages and screams at her. He has abandoned his children more times than I can remember. He has been in and out of mental wards after police encounters. He has spent his life defrauding women of hundreds of thousands of dollars, threatening to kill people, killing someone, stealing cars, burglarizing homes (of family and friends). I could go on and on. I’m the only person to ever stand up to him and I’m considered the bad guy in the family. My mother wrote a letter to me one time to tell me I’m a bad brother because I called out one of his financial scams (I wouldn’t send him $3000 for “attorney fees” for a non-existent attorney). To this day the elders in my family think it’s better to just let him have his way all the time. You cannot win with narcs. Cut them out completely in every way.
You know, it's stories like these that helplme understand why God let's us walk towards the abyss when we turn away from him. It seems enabling bad behaviourhas such horrible consequences... Thank you for writing your story!
You have set me free in so many ways. This is agonizing. It goes against nature to separate yourself from your own child. Yet, your own mental health is at stake by continuing contact. Thank you for your insight.
I unfortunately, am a mother to what I believe to be a covert narcissistic adult child. When I had a therapist, I would share stories with him on the bad deeds my child would do. He often hid the tears that weld up in his eyes because what my child would do was so disrespectful and mean. At the time, I always had hope that my child would change. After years of trying and offering to go to therapy, so we can work on our relationship, (the offer was declined) I finally, after YEARS of waiting, gave up. I FINALLY understand, that no matter what I do it will never change. One thing that will change, is my boundaries. I refuse a relationship, unless there is a therapist that can tell me, my child is not a danger to me anymore. Until then, I will pour all my love into the grandchild that I was blessed with. No more waiting. I am rotting away while that child lives with no care in the world. No, thank you! Now, I live my life for me! If you are in the early stages of waiting for your child to change. I highly suggest you change your mindset because while you wait, your time is ticking away. Better yet, be like them and be selfish. Enjoy your LIFE and the MONEY you would’ve left them, had they been good kids! God Bless each and everyone of you! ❤ we only live once, enjoy your life to the fullest!
There is never enough information on narcissistic adult children. It’s not only painful to realize your daughter is narcissistic, it’s also maddening to deal with her behaviors. I’m very sorry that parents experience this type of abuse.
My only child is a narcissist. The grief does seem bottomless. I’m physically afraid of him when he’s mad. I have finally started to step away. Radical acceptance is no easy task. He’s 38 now. His father is a narcissist too. Not a diagnosis but an assessment on my part. I’m no proctologist but I know an a$$hole when I see one. I’m 61 now n I’m too old for all the strife they both cause. Sometimes I feel like someone is shooting at my feet so I’ll dance like in the old cartoons. I’m done dancing. Just shoot my feet already. I’m still married to this jerk. I’m afraid I can’t make it on my own. So I’m dying a slow n sad death.
@@jrelevates1574 and that has caused a lot of disfunction, harm and suffering over the years and decades. Perhaps centuries. it is a horrifying thing to experience, and a horrifying thing to watch.
This topic hits home. My only child is a 40 year old. I noted a change in her sweet personality in her late teens when she started dating her now husband. Since then she uses all the classic traits such as gaslighting, has no empathy, is entitled etc etc. Her kindness came back briefly when she was having her two kids and needed my help. She encouraged the relationship with the grandkids and I saw them multiple times a week, developing strong loving bonds. As soon as they got a bit older (5 or 6) the verbal abuse started up again and she cut me off from them. With therapy I can deal with this but I worry about the effect on my grandkids. It’s a sad, sad situation.
@@mamabush2160 You are wrong. It was for free babysitting. My daughter did the same to me. Also, very jealous that her child, loved his grannie. me. She could not stand that.
USERPG2; Same thing was done to me! She needed a free babysitter, etc, then, when age 5, kindergarten, I was cut off from seeing my only grandchild. He is now 13 years old.
I’m in this too, Noo Grandchildren yet! She Only communicates with me in front of her Narc Dad! She verbally abuses, and Ghosts me… ! Her father refused to discipline her.. I’m apparently to blame, for her Rude behaviour towards me…. for Firmly and lovingly Disciplining her… ! He pretends he’s blameless..
I am in this world to live MY life selfish - no just survival mode - My daughter is 40 (3kids) who are getting "trained" as well... I set bounderies and kind of "quit" the relationship to all of them. No contact, so grateful for that - at 62 the most peaceful year in my hole life!! Thank you for that topic!!! Love from Germany
Wow!! Huge congratulations!!! It takes a lot of courage and facing your fears and doing it anyway. I just did this as well and feel such peace 🙏🏼 it was the only way out.
I relate to this completely. I am in the same situation and have gone through all the stages of upset, grief etc., but like you, even when I am having a not so good day I still appreciate the peace and tranquility of not having to tread on eggshells and that I can be the person who I am, not the person others want me to be. Take care xxx
When I studied abroad, I lived with a woman whose adult son was clearly NPD or sociopathic. When his father had died, he had demanded inheritance. She refused as he didn't legally have any right to what was still hers. The son responded by cutting off communication between his young child and her. She cried every night about it. I felt so bad for her. I gave her props for not giving in to his manipulations; it was pretty clear she knew that giving him the money wouldn't stop his harmful behavior. But how horrible to have to do that to make the right decision.
I have been desperately in search of this specific topic. The discussion I can easily find is “what if your Boss/parent/friend/spouse is a narcissist?” But never discussion about it being your child. I have been in therapy to try and understand this entire situation and this makes me cry. My daughter married a narcissistic man at 19 while her brain is still developing. At first, my main fear for her was abuse from her spouse, which it still is, but now, I see her developing the same characteristics and traits as her husband and our relationship is so treacherous. All of the things you discuss here are relevant to me; her going no contact to punish me, blaming me for everything, the lack of boundaries, the feeling of guilt as the parent of a child in this situation, the fear of being a parent who abandons their child, or doesn’t but is them forever stuck in an unbearable situation. What happens when I am elderly and dependent upon help and my child and/or her spouse is abusive and toxic? I could use many, many more videos on this topic, please. 🙏
No relationship is always better than a toxic one ! I have learned to limit my exposure, & expect nothing of any substance or significance from my child in return. It is more peaceful to accept their inability to love me, than it is to feel at their mercy. I have learned to identify & accept their narcissistic limitations, so rather than constantly trying to set boundaries, I simply continue to Love & let go … it works best for me. I believe as parents, we have done our job well when neither adult child or parent feels beholden to each another. I also believe that our biological family is not necessarily our true family. I have deep friendships with some people who nurture & support me far more than my next of kin. Life is a journey, and our destination is to love & forgive all, to live with courage & fortitude when faced with adversity, & to ultimately accept that there are many things we cannot change. ❣️
My son is 60 im 80yr have put up with his abuse time and time again over the last 40yrs it depends on who he's with at the time and his adult children have walked away as a mum you try and try until it gets to a stage where it hurts to much so sadly now I love him from a distance he have given me the silent treatment for over 12mths now 😢 💔 but at my age iv had to let him go
I waited for years for my son to grow up, not realising that he was exhibiting Narcissistic behaviour, not even knowing what that was. He never did grow up, just became a monster. When he met his wife she aided and abetted him. I loved him so much but tried to guide him into being a balanced person but he manipulated and abused me behind my back. Finally he had children and told me about them and cruelly showed me pictures of them but would not allow me to visit them. I realise now why, he had told his wife all kinds of lies about himself and about his family and didn’t want his new family to know the truth. He was born the exact carbon copy of his father. These people are born this way. We should all know this, it is hard for some to accept but it would save so much heartache if it were accepted.
The pain is... there isnt a word to even describe it. I wish for everyone to know that narcissism is a trait that can be passed down like any disease. Know this when family planning.
@@edelweiss2.076 this is so true my daughter's dad is textbook poster child narcissist and I was just too young and naive to recognize the signs. It's heartbreaking to see your own child behaving like their toxic maladapted disordered dad there's nothing you can do or say to heal the situation. It's like watching a train wreck in progress the momentum is long in the making and there's nothing you can do to stop the inertia and the collision course that's been set in motion.
Very very true, this condition depends on blood group and it affects children who inherit only the bad traits from each of either parent, so they born that way and they for sure don't understand why they are that way, then some kids get lucky and inherit the good traits from either parent and end up better with the help of environment so being narcissistic or empathic is defined right from the womb depending on parents genes, if already one parent is npd and the other parent with some narcism, half of their children will be narcissist and the other half will be a little empathic. And if both parents are narcissists, then obviously all the children will be narcissist, it's not an issue of over praising or traumatized issue during parenting. A narcissist child lacks Alleles in their genes and there can't mature in mind but rather immitate others around them and have trust issues cos they can't easily adjust or adapt to new changes in life, it's more for them like you said this and didn't do so you lied, you are bad and can't be trusted just like a two year old etc, complicated and miserable life for them too that's why they self destruct without even noticing, would a normal person want to be mean to their parents or somebody else who loves them really, no but narcissist end up appearing that way cos they are not strong willed beings and whatever they decide must benefit them in some way or the other then they are fine, sacrifice is love but it's what a narcissist can't do because for them, it's always me first or how will I benefit from this. Period
I had the heart ache of having a narcissistic mother. I am 71 and have only recently learned of this. Of course my mother has passed away. I never knew what was wrong with me to make my mother treat me the way she did. I just knew it had to be my fault because my mother was always right. My sister was treated an entirely different way than I was. I am just thankful that I discovered this narcissistic behavior in my mother, so I have a better self- image of myself. Yes, I found this out late in my life, but at least I know the truth now. ♥️🙏🏻🙏🏾🙏🏽🙏🙏🏼🙏🏿♥️
My bipolar adult narc child is the barrier between my 2 grandkids and me. It pains me that I will never be able to have a normal relationship with them. Thank you for addressing this.
Praying that you will be able to have a relationship with them. Seek ye first the kingdom of God and then all these things shall be added unto you. He cares for you. 🤍🕊
I have an adult Narcissistic child. I was basically thrown under the bus after I was not needed for babysitting. However, I have managed to stay in touch with my grandkids. I never run their mother down and we spend times together doing enjoyable things. They are now adults and I see them questioning their mother’s behaviour. I try to model good behaviour that is all I can do. I have no contact with my daughter.
This is us too. I fear for our autistic grandchildren being raised by a bi-polar, narcissistic mother (our daughter). We helped raise them till we were no longer needed.
I had my suspicions about my daughter and then I got cancer. Guess what? Her behaviour didn’t change one iota. Her gaslighting, manipulations, and down right meanness as per usual. She said she’d help me if I needed it. Hahaha what a joke. But, at least now I know the truth. There’s no more fence sitting. Thanks Dr. Romani and this entire community. Try to make the best of the New Year 🎉
I can relate. When you are in an extreme situation where you'd expect some kind of display of caring, and there's zero, it's a wake up call and a revelation you can't ignore.
@@persiamotorman You’re absolutely correct. It’s unfortunate when one is surrounded by narcissists. Some worse than others. But then I meet people who are wonderful- long term. They’re not faking it, just genuinely lovely people.
My adult narcissistic child is 49 years old. I have had to go no contact…legally. I have grandchildren who are confused and angry with me for doing this because of course they have heard my child’s stories all their lives. They’re extremely protective over their mother as if she’s the child. The grief is sometimes unbearable. Thank you for this post, it does help to know I’m not alone in this.
This only in the sense that my narcissistic sister is insanely protective of our mother but has often said that she felt like she was the mother to her (she's 12 years older than me). I'm how can you think this is healthy?
Welcome to my world. Spousal & adult child alienation is prevalent. So many of their mental health advisors tell them to just go no contact or limited contact in case you need $ or something. A very sad situation.
I have 2 adult narcissist children. My mother is a narcissist and I was a scapegoat sandwiched between 2 golden children in a large family. On my healing journey from leaving my family, my son and daughter demonstrated they were narcissists as well. I felt I could not go on. I was a stay at home mom and homeschooled as well. I gave up everything for them. But, I realized I had to grieve the idealism that was leaving me stuck, sit in the awful, difficult truth of reality that I will most likely not have a meaningful relationship with them. I cried, slept in, ate chocolate, journaled and sat in it. Then I moved forward in reality and I feel strong and peaceful. My heart aches when I'm triggered, like when you feel the loss of someone who died, but this is the only way forward. Thank you so much for this video. It was so encouraging.
Ty for your comment. After homeschooling & giving up everything, it is devastating to come to terms with not truly having any meaningful relationship or having to go no contact due to lack of respect for boundaries.
Having a narcissistic child is absolutely heart wrenching. The years from age 4-30 were so hard. Yes,it was long! It;s getting a little better now but that's because I have tried so hard to remove myself from any situation that has the potential to hurt me. I have had to let that child know I love them but I just can't take anymore( I only walked away when this child was an adult and had moved out). We raised 6 children who are all adults now and there were only two that gave us grey hairs,tears and many sleepless nights. Like I said things are better now BUT I tread VERY lightly with this one child. I keep conversation casual and light, I remove myself from them if things start to spiral and I have set boundaries.
Yep going through it with my 22 yr old daughter im learning to protect myself the minute I let myself in I regret it !! We have 5 children and 1 adult are a constant rollercoaster , it’s definitely heartbreaking for a loving parents!!
I feel that grief. I was raised in the narcissist family and walked away 5 years ago. I thought I was raising my one child, my daughter differently but I was wrong. I lost my entire family but what hurts most is that I lost my daughter. While looking at the dysfunctional family I looked to her as healthy but now I see that it is actually worse in her. My husband says that she will come back someday and have regret. I don’t think she will, but I feel shame that don’t think I want her back when she is so condescending and controlling.
I lost my daughter and son to narcissism. I married a narcissistic woman who comes from a highly narcissistic family. Both my parents were narcissists and my two brothers. All that to say that I think my son was born narcissistic. I don't think he had a chance, the genes were too strong on both sides and I can see how he has had narcissistic traits since he was 3 or 4. Maybe your daughter was simply born this way as well. Take care. Peace!
She will not grow out of it. I’m learning to live without a lot of interaction with my only child. Letting go of her has been so good for me. I’ve been trying to be close like we once were but it’s never going to happen and that’s okay.
Cindy I hear you from Germany, generational sandwich empath here. ❤️ My only adult son 25 notified us after 4+ years of ghosting that he is happy with extreme religiosity now. Blaming us for everything. I wrote him back I don't want to hear his plans any longer. I'm fed up with that. I don't need that crap.
My brother is a narcissist. He cut off my dad and I from his kids. The manner someone could use their own kids as a pawn to hurt others, including his own kids is remarkable. My dad and I used to talk about it all the time- how he’s so charming and everyone thinks the world of him, but he treated his family like shit. Exactly like my narcissistic mother.
Thanks Dr Ramani, I never thought I would be dealing with this problem, but I am. It is a grief so huge I cannot express it adequately. Over the years this has gotten worse and now stonewalled. Everything shared by you and the other commenters is spot on. Please continue with this topic because it is a growing problem with adult children we are not equiped to handle. We are living in strange times.
@@LSMH528Hz would you prefer adult offspring ? They remain your children I don’t know that the English language would have a common synonym to children to express one s biological and social offspring
My grandma has 4 kids and 3 of them are narcissists. One aunt just never came home, another aunt took money from my grandma and my uncle was verbally abusive to my grandma. My mom (the rare non-narcissist) had been the one that took care of my grandma in the late years. After my grandmother passed, my aunts and uncle decided to sue my mom for money. They lost but the rage is ongoing. My uncle who got the house ended up stating that he had never desired the house and wanted cash instead. They are unbelievably toxic. To anyone who is going through similar stuff, I’m sending you lots of hugs. They will lose, just takes time.
I suggest you need a part 2 on this one because your example is only of a narcissistic mooch. As you’ve said many times, narcissists can be in management and even be quite successful, and even seen as pillars of the community. But they still need to play their games, and their parent(s) are dependable playthings. They will confabulate, bait, and project until the cows come home.
Thank you for this video, I have been going through hell for years and just recently my child cut us off for saying no twice and now we can not see our grandchildren. This is the hardest situation I have ever experienced.
It is hard, especially when your grown child ruins any chance of you seeing your grandchild. What kept me going on was the real fear of where the lies would land. ANYTHING was possible for "blood money". I pray for them both every day-- especially my granchild--- forever.
My narcissistically abused relationship of 25 years caused so much damage on myself and my now 17 y/old son. My son and I were so close to one another. It's unbelievable how far we broke apart. I'm taking my son's breadcrumbs because I feel that's the only thing he has left to give since he gave his all trying to save us all. My son and I still express each other love. He still opens up about his life experiences. He finally went to see a psychologist who diagnosed him with Stage 2 Clinical Depression. I was diagnosed with MDD SR years ago. There is so much damage done by our narcissistic abuser. We were a "family" that lived only to try to fill our narcissistic abuser's void like coins in a broken pocket! I am still in a somewhat shock. I vividly recall his voice still whispering in my ears that I'll never make it without him. It creeps me out to this day.
I found this video particularly helpful Dr. Ramani. As a single mother of one narcissistic daughter, age 34, it took so many years to comprehend what was wrong with her and to accept that this was never going to be 'normal'. I do not believe that I am 100% responsible for her being a narcissist but I contributed. I was raised by a narcissistic parent so of course I was ill-equipped to be as effective a parent as I would have like. I never wanted to abandon her etc...and she used that and more to her advantage. I also rescued her at every turn not realizing that what I was telling her through actions was that I did not believe in her ability to solve her problems. It took years for me to understand that what was wrong with my mother was exactly what was wrong with my daughter and then another many years to put a name to it. I am very grateful that I had been in therapy for MANY years so I am completely healed from my narcissistic daughter. She has no hold over me. I love her with all of my heart so I let her go and disengage. She is free to continue her life which ever way she wants and holds full responsibility for it as well. I am also free, free to forgive, free to love myself and her. There is hope and real, full life after narcissism.
Thank you for pointing out that narcissism can seem to appear anomalously within families. One child is and another is not,despite having been raised by non-narcissistic parents. It’s not always as formulaic as blaming the parents. Also, and I also say this constantly, narcissistic behavior is on a spectrum! It can be sneaky and subtle and not necessarily fit into neat stereotypes.
My adult N child is now 43. The cycle began at age 36 as their life changed; and the N moved far away. Before that, it was the normal relationship of raising a "strong-willed" child but we had mutual respect and some great shared years after college. I have been little contact until late 2022 - when this child was to soon become a parent and the full paranoia of the N came to the forefront; and I was banned. NO CONTACT after the congratulations I sent on the birth of my grandchild; and just vitriol in response to my reach-outs. I am okay because of these forums and hearing that I am not alone in this.
Our youngest, adopted, was diagnosed with Malignant Narcissism. He was a master of manipulating child psychologists and school counselors who were licensed social workers. An out-of-state relocation and move brought it to a head where he killed numerous pets and placed rat poison on my coffee. He is institutionalized. It's taken 3 years and I am only now feeling like I can have peace. Too many therapists do not understand the malignant form.
I'm so sorry. I agree that mental health workers are easily charmed by narcissists. They fall for the lies & manipulation & become the ally of the narcissist against the parents. It's incredible to watch as a parent. My daughter used to talk circles around doctors & psychologists, never getting to the heart of her problem. Only one psychiatrist caught on & she refused to return to him. We wasted so much money on trying to get her help.
This has come just at the right time.. I had my daughter at sixteen. I loved her from the moment she was born, but I also recognised that this child was in control. She is incredibly intelligent. I split from her abusive and cheating father when she was 7. She always controlled me. I left the country when sh was adult and sucked the life out of me. I am back home now after twenty years in another country. I have grandchildren. One is lovely one displays narsisstic traits.. I’m now married to a wonderful man who protects me and understands my situation. My daughter contacted me tonight after three years no contact. It’s like being caught on the eternal wheel of fire
Grief and loss are key words here. Recognize that there is no light at the end of the tunnel. So do the work to protect yourself and build a life for you with people - that may not be your “only child” - like mine but they can possibly be your friends / family in a healthy caring safe way. Not someone that is going to use, abuse, take from u and tell u repeatedly that you’re not enough, not doing enough, not giving enough money, time, effort. I am speaking to myself here. The abused, hurt, lonely codependent that wishes for a better life. Thanks Dr. Yes this is a very heavy sad video but it’s the truth. Appreciate your words greatly.
My God, someone who actually acknowledges the possibility of having a narcissistic parent and also a narcissistic child!! I have often wondered, Am I dreaming? Why did I escape? How did it happen that I've got it on both sides? Another wonderful nugget is that I have to look at those things I've done well, as well as the contribution from the other parent in influencing my son's attitude. Being in a sandwich generation, I feel devastated. What you call grief, I call guilt (my own). But perhaps grief is what I'm feeling. OMG, I'm gonna cry.
Wow your story is a lot like mine please no guilt you did the best she could with what you had and being raised by a narcissistic parent I don’t think we were really given the tools that we needed to function in life but as we got older I know that I learned a lot and always swore I would love my children so much that they wouldn’t be like that but that didn’t work my daughter is just like my mother who has passed away years ago! Trust me I understand your pain so much it’s like reliving the nightmare again when you have a narcissistic child after you’ve been through the narcissistic hell growing up yourself it sucks I just wanted you to know I feel your pain!
My son will be 25 soon! He is a cloned version of his father! It's scary! I divorced the man back in 2004 because of adultry and other antics! He was 6 at the time! No amount of love I have or my family has ever been able to touch his soul! I am a child abuser and trash to him taught to him by his father! This is all in a community that other people believe are good people and Christians! When actually it's a CULTure!
We have a narcissist adult daughter. The narcissism didn’t really reveal itself until she was in her 20’s. Art that time we thought she was just bad with money. Yes we became her bank of free money for a few years. She’s nickel and dime us you know gas money. Then we started wonder where all our hard earned money went. Then the time I told he no we don’t have it to give. OMG my first experience of narc rage well from her. We both have narcissistic parents but it was her maternal grandmother who help mold her into the monster she is today. Grandma narc claimed she had hormonal issues and took our daughter to her Dr. She got an RX to help her hold back the narc rage. There’s a huge stigma of going NC with a child but we had to. She was also sneaking into our home while we were at work taking small things hiding little things from me. You know the gaslight thing hide and deny then delight in watching me look for something she’s hidden from me. She befriended all my old co-workers and friends or at least people I used to consider friends. She imitated me, tried to become me in a way. It was crazy-making. My husband didn’t see it at first. But then he realized and started searching as to what’s up with her. I was her main target. We changed the locks so she couldn’t just come over to take stuff whenever she wanted. We went no contact then finally we moved away 500 miles. That was far enough to keep her at bay. It’s been 8 years. I’m free from her now and all my family and ex-friends and co-workers. I hope this all makes sense I just mentioned the highlights of her abuse. Thank you Dr Ramani I enjoy your channel. Also thank you for covering this subject it’s a hard one to talk about. Everyone wants to blame the parents but sometimes the child is just a narcissist.
It makes perfect sense. Our ND inherited her personality from a grandparent, too. When she lived with us, or visited, we all locked our bedroom doors. We were afraid of her violent tendencies. My hubby just put in a new front door. She will never be given a key to it.
My son’s didn’t reveal itself until late 20’s. It was masked by substance abuse for a few years. I never thought about my ex hiding my things as narcissistic behavior. It baffled me the “why” he would do that until I read your comment.
My goodness. Thank you for sharing your story. After reading your comment it sounded exactly what my aunty told me about her daughter. She said that her Narc daughter will go out of her way to 'get back at her' by taking things from her without telling her and then find joy in seeing her getting upset because she couldn't find it and at the same time gaslight her saying she has dementia always misplace things etc....there's also a lot of other issues as well but i didn't believe my aunty because her daughter were pleasant in front of me. Since, her daughter moved closer to me now, I started to notice some odd behaviour here and there. I hope u r doing well now and may God bless you.
Thank you so much for this video. We hardly see anything about narcissistic children. I see the abuse my partner of 13 years has endured from his adult daughter, his only child. It is so sad. There were times I’d had enough of witnessing this dysfunctional relationship and just thought “Run for the hills!”, especially when I started becoming her target. He has become unable to cope with the abuse due to progressive health issues, and really needs me at this point to advocate for him. I thought for 10 years that she would grow out of this way of being, and we would be able to have a wonderful relationship down the road, but she’s only become meaner and nastier. I know too much, so it’s like she needs to get rid of me so I don’t disrupt the false image she works so hard to manipulate people with. I’ve gone no contact, but she continues to smear me and lie about me to anyone who will listen, making her the victim of me, instead of the other way around. I’ve actually never said a cross word to her EVER. I can see that people who are victims of narcissistic abuse by parents, and have not experienced having a narcissistic child cannot understand this, but to those who do, you have my sympathies. Hang in there and know you are not alone. 🙏
Your comment, “I know too much etc.” rings true for me. I’ve felt deep down this is the reason my 43 yr old has such rage toward me & is keeping my 3 grandchildren away (4 yrs now)!
@@48bumper the grandchildren is a sad part. My partner now has 2 grandchildren, and the narc daughter uses access to them to hurt. I can’t stand it. I know she is poisoning these innocent children against me, and I just don’t want to even try to bond with them because it will hurt too much when she tries to use them to manipulate me. It just never had to be like this. I just wanted to have a good relationship with her and everyone get along and be supportive of each other, but yeah I know too much, I’ve seen her raging and cursing at her father, throwing and breaking things. Everyone else sees this sweet, charming person who’s trying to make it in this world, be a good mom and have a nice life. She’s very deceptive, how she represents herself and plays this storyline that she’s been victimized by me. Sorry for what you’re experiencing. I wish I could believe it gets better, but I don’t believe that a relationship with a toxic narc can ever be anything but poison ☠️
I am currently the step mom of a violent 11year old Narcissist and his mom is also a narcissist. I am so devastated. I try to set boundaries but he gets physically violent towards me when I try to discipline him. I was abused as a child and do not want to be abused as an adult by this child. I try and just stay out of anything or not be home or hide in my bedroom. I also feel guilty for this. It's horrible. He also abuses his father and you can't talk to his mother. Anyone have any advise? I am starting therapy soon and hopefully this will help. I find your videos helpful and like that you don't beat around the bush.
Omg your story is my story, even after 18 years she still smears and harasses me. We recently had her daughter for a few days and she told her mom I was mean to her which never happened. His daughter called screaming at him about me. He did defend me because he knows it didn’t happen. I can’t change her if my hubby only myself so my knew boundary is no contact for his daughter and grand daughter. He needs to have visits without me from now on. It won’t stop her smearing me though. I did not break up his marriage I met him he’s been divorced a few years
Thank you for this supportive video (and the many others you have done). My adult daughter is a narcissist and has been since childhood. I believe she was born that way. Out of self-compassion, I finally set a boundary with her to try and stop the cycle of her abusive behavior towards me. This enraged her and she cut me off. Unfortunately, she cut me off from my grandchildren as well. But two of my grandchildren have a different father than my daughter's husband and he is happy to support a relationship between me and them. I haven't seen my youngest grandchild in three years and he is now five. Heartbreaking. The saddest part is that my narcissistic daughter has turned her rage, violence and abuse towards her own daughter who is now 14 years old, which has caused almost a complete breakdown of their relationship. There are no limits to what a narcissist will destroy. The only way I can navigate through the deep pain and grief I live with every day is through radical acceptance. There is no other way.
I was told by a councillor that I was being abused. He said that he specialises in Marital abuse. He told me I needed to get her out of my house. I asked her to leave . I was and still am smeared everywhere, even with my Grandchild The drama doesn’t end. There is mania, depression, drugs, alcohol,histrionics and now emotional abuse of her child We are no contact 4 yrs and it’s so different. I literally arrange pick up for the child. She has tried and tried to come between me and the Grandchild to no avail. The one thing is that she puts the mask on with most people but not us. Me and the 12 yr old get the same abuse. We have a respectful mutually enjoyable relationship . It’s all so different and I am the same person. Since 12 I have had problems with my adult child and now she is 34. I have read the abusive messages she sends her own child when at school for small crimes. Calls her at school screaming Heartbreaking 😢
I am so thankful that this subject finally came up. My daughter has been manipulating and abusive since her early teens. She is now 40 and things finally came to a head when I became very ill and needed her help. She refused and left me basically on my own. I am single and her father has passed away so there wasn't really anyone else to call on. I stopped contact with her 8 months ago and it is extremely painful to realize that this is not likely to change. I also am the daughter of a very controlling and narcissistic mother. Your mentioning "the sandwich" situation is the first time I've heard this addressed.
Thank you for this video Dr Ramani. This video identifies so much with my narcissistic daughter. In this year I’ve learned about narcissism and recognized that my parents are the root to where it begin. Unaware of such has caused me so much narcissistic abuse. To be safer alive I have gone no contact and upon seeing any signs distance myself immediately. I am honored to go into 2023 living more of a narc free lifestyle.
You are not alone. I had to go no contact with my grown daughter for 8 months. Now she knows that if she shows out any kinda way, I'm out. You have to look out for your own health. Once they see you don't have any boundary's they will run all over you and make your life a living hell. May you have a narc free new year! I KNOW I WILL!
I just learned of this npd child possibilities from a friend as I consult my 19 years old daughter strange behavior cutting all communication and news of her after only she went to university abroad for 3 months . While her study and living expenses are fully supported by us . She does not reply parents call , parents text … on the surface to friend and other relatives, my daughter is lying that she maintained the communication with parents . We were shut off from the social media etc. This video help us prepared ourselves for the worst
Thank you again so much Dr.Ramani. You have been such a lifesaver for me addressing narcissism. My daughter is 22 and she is not getting better, just worse with her behavior towards me. She refuses therapy. We have not physically lived with each other for years, since she was 16 and went to live with her narcissistic dad. He is a true narcissist! It was my worst fear. I'm still going to hold out hope that her brain is still developing and things will level out. She refuses to go to therapy. It's easy to walk away from someone who is treating me bad such as a husband, friend or coworker. The last thing I've ever wanted to do was walk away from my own child because of the way she treats and disrespect me horribly without accountability, remorse or change. Thank you! Happy New Year!
I feel your pain! ❤️ And I also hope that my 22 years old daughter who's been living with her narc dad since she was 16, will mature to understand me, to be able to put herself in other person's shoes. Compassion is what I wish for her to feel. I believe she is not hopeless that way... If not, I will not put myself through the same inferno again. I leave the door open, but will protect my inner wounded child from further hurt. Even if the price for this is as high as a total separation.
I am of the opinion that personality disorders are genetic. I only recently realized that my exhusband fits the definition of a narcissist. It is a shock to realize that the difficult behaviors of two of my kids from that marriage have the same traits. For me, radical acceptance is not difficult but it is really hard to continue to have a relationship with them. The main thing I have altered in myself is to not expect a close adult relationship, and to stop giving.
I’ve come to the conclusion that my daughter inherited a genetic predisposition to narcissism and also had it modeled for her particularly in the way she saw me be treated by her father who is strongly narcissistic as is his sister. I recently found out I need heart surgery and I think it’s from decades of dealing with the narcissism of all of them.
I feel that I've been mourning the loss of my daughter (who is alive and well just a few miles away) since she was 18 and will soon turn 37. 5 years ago, I decided to no longer chase her. I have not heard from her since.
Thanks a million 🙏🏻.. I was listening and crying, because that's my life of the last three years.I moved back to London after few years of narcissistic relationship with a man which I ended and gone no contact only to get trapped in a new narcissistic relationship with my own children. It's painful...I can't even move out because of some legal issues and high prices for rent at this time.. And I am very tired of everything.. lucky I will start again therapy from 16th January 🙏🏻
Please be careful of Scammers who impersonate Dr Ramani reply to people's comments. Please do not contact them as they will try to scam you!!!!! London is expensive so are most of the main larger UK cities including Glasgow and Edinburgh. May be somewhere like Stirling, Durham. Just a suggestion.
Crushingly difficult to stop reacting responding explaining arguing defending " in perpetuity" as the vindictiveness grows. More difficult still to continually engage. Most numbing stifling soul crushing experience with no discernible "way forward".
My dad (narcissist) always talks about how evil and horrible his parents are but his stories he tells to prove they're awful just proves how awful he was as a kid. Always beating up his brothers then get mad when his parents punish him by grounding him ect. He abused his parents and brothers. Just disgusting.
Dr. Ramani, since my early adult years, I've been interested in psychology and the scientific study of the human mind. Not only as a self reflection, but also as a means of achieving strong and healthy relationships. Thank you for touching on these sensitive, yet important topics. Your videos are always so insightful.
Thank you. There's so little information out there about narcissistic children that it's easy for a parent to blame themselves. My daughter meets the textbook description of NPD. She's 36 and I haven't spoken to her in over a year. I had been tolerating her cruel, abusive behavior in the name of keeping the peace since she was a young adult. She has withheld my grandson in the past when she didn't get what she wanted, hence my fear of angering her. One day I finally blew and we had an argument, the one I knew was coming and dreading, and that was it, just as I feared. The pain of this estrangement is overwhelming at times, especially since now there are two beautiful grandbabies I haven't seen in a while. However, as I attempt to heal I've come to realize how exhausting it was to constantly walk on eggshells in an effort to keep a relationship with her. As agonizing at it is, I perhaps have to accept that maybe I'm better off without her constant drama and stress. Nevertheless, the guilt and pain can still stop me in my tracks like a punch in the gut. I have a good relationship with my son, who observed that he doesn't understand how his sister can be this way. They were both raised in the same house with the same parents. Small comfort.
Several months ago, I became aware that my adult daughter was a narcissist. Something that someone someone said, made me realize that this was exactly what Mariah did. I looked up narcissist and their characteristics. My heart sunk as my daughter had nine of the 10 characteristics. The more I researched the more I began to realize who she really was. When she was growing up I couldn't figure her out. People would point the finger at me and say that I was the problem. As I look back from the time she was a toddler, so many of these characteristics were screaming in my face, but I couldn't figure it out. She is now almost thirty years old, blames me for everything and has cut me completely out of her life. No amount of attempt on my part has made her want to have anything to do with me. I have never told anyone what I know. It breaks my heart and I blame myself that it must have been something I did. I don't know.
My son was a toddler when I noticed something that seemed off. It frightened me. When he was a teenager he displayed full blown narcissistic behavior. We rarely talk because I have had to cut ties after years and years of tears and trying to have a healthy relationship.
@@jacquelinestewart3157 I'm so sorry. I understand what your going through. We love our children even with their flaws. But for them to cut you completely out of there lives, or because of there behavior, you have to cut them out of yours, is heart breaking.
❤❤ I feel for you- but this is just a side note…your name is in visible above your comment, you’ve named your daughter and given quite a bit of detail .. please protect yourself by not putting up personal info that can kesve you open to scammers etc. I say this with ❤.
My son is almost 20 as of January. His mother is a full blown narcissist in my opinion. My son is displaying the same spectrum B personality traits. He is an abuser of marijuana and lies constantly. Blame shifting, gaslighting, manipulative and never does what he says he's going to do. He has totally went dark unless he needs something or is late on his insurance payment then he texts and tries to play I'm checking on you game. I bought his car, got him a job where I worked and carried him to the point I cut the enablement cord and let him sink or swim. Well long story short he made bad decisions and drowned. Lost his job and as much as I wanted to help I went tough love. He lives with his mother now but I paid for his car, his tag and his insurance until recently. Now he has to pay his portion of the insurance. He waited till he could no longer afford his habit so he finally got another job and now will be late again on his payment. I am to the point that I will pay the few hundred dollars needed to totally separate from the situation and wash my hands of his behavior and actions. I'm pretty much done. I have dealt with narcissists since birth and have healed myself and am not the doormat anymore. My boundaries are being stepped on by him, the last person in my life that exhibits these traits, and I don't need the frustration, heartache and drama that comes with the territory. It is like you said it's the saddest thing to have to experience but after 20 years of guiding, supporting, sacrificing to be there for him, because after all his mother wasn't, especially after the child support was discontinued at 18, I need to let go and put me and my well being first for a change. Thank you for listening and your insight..........a Sad Dad😥
Wow this is my exact story!! Literally word from word. My son 21 does this exact same thing to me. Job to job, smoking weed and just being so irresponsible and lashing out when he doesn’t get his way. Having no insurance and just saying things and not meeting up to his word. I literally had to walk away. It’s like grieving seriously. Having children with narcissistic ppl will definitely breed to the child. Very heartbreaking
@@yuriq8825 I am sorry to hear you are going through that too. It truly is so heart wrenching. If anything from this post is now we know we are not alone in our experience and suffering. Sometimes it feels like no one else will understand or we question ourselves thinking what we could have done better. Thank you for feeling the need to respond to the comment section.💯🙏
@@johndavid3132 We are definitely not alone, I have 2 other sons who are fantastic and shows lots of love and empathy. It helps when other children see you as the parent you truly are. Love and support and compassion. My first born oldest must live out his life the way it’s designed to be, as parents we must not live our life with the guilt or shame as if we are to blame. It’s genetic for sure. I just feel we can’t suffer with the only life we have at the present time. It’s our destiny to move on and live a beautiful fulling life.
I'm textbook .. narcissistic father husband and 2 sons and daughter. I suspect every man and woman I gravitate to are all narcissists. It took me about 55 years to put it all together. I'm really grateful for the information you shared. It validated the things I could only say to myself. I've come to the realization that there's nothing I can do or fix. In that realization I was rewarded with my freedom. Which certainly relieves the pain.
This video is just good timing … is so sad , is heartbreaking to accept that this is my reality with my 40 year old daughter … trying to process the grief and loss but still having a hard time . Thank you for giving me some clarity ❤
Just today, my 45 year old daughter was helpful and charming. I've learned not to count on that. I steer clear. Initiating that was a catastrophic jolt to my whole being. Disaster struck in her life at the exact time I was solidly recovering my sense of well-being. I still steer clear, but I fight running to her rescue. It's a mine field. At my age, I will be needing her. God help me.
You might not be able to control the people or events in your lives, but you do get to choose how you react. Whether that means creating boundaries, seeing them less, grey rock, or staying confident and giving lots of praise to help build them up. It doesn't matter whether you had a narcissistic child or parent (we never control the events), what matters is how you reacted.
Dr. Ramani: First, thank you for this video and affirming that parents aren't always to blame. I'll keep it brief..my 48 year old daughter became extremely narcissistic towards her brother (47) and, to me, about 15+ years ago. Last Christmas, after an incident blown out of proportion, she went "no contact" with both of us. Prior, I had been extremely close to her children (ages 17 & 14) since they were born.Her father passed years ago, and I am single. My son is a kind, caring person, and, this break has caused him to feel tremendous pain and hurt. In turn, his pain hurts me, as my daughter is well aware. The verbal and psychological abuse, the gaslighting, the walking on eggshells for so many years is something I've chosen to remove from my life. She and I "reconciled" when I was invited last June to a graduation brunch for my grandson; however, things, of course, are not the same between us. She will never reconcile with her brother; she's cut off his innocent fiancee and equally innocent four year-old nephew. Her husband detests us. So, despite my initial pain and heartache, I'm moving forward with my life and loving the ones in front of me. Thank you so much for this channel. I wish you peace, joy and good health in the New Year. 🙏🏻 🥂 Rosemarie 💖
I went no contact almost 9 years ago with my malignant narcissist son as well as a 2 year period prior to that. I hate that I had to forfeit a relationship with my two grandchildren, but I’m so happy having him out of my life completely and permanently. I do not regret my decision to go no contact !
Similar situation here with my son. On top of his malignant narcissism, he's also severely mentally ill. I don't think he was ever properly diagnosed so never on the appropriate medication for his mental illness. But because now he has "rights", he doesn't have to go to therapy or takes his meds - he's literally off the rails. Both sides of the family have had to block him (but he manages to get around the blocks but using other numbers or changing his own number). There's a really stalky feel to it. I let both of my vm's fill up so he can't leave any more of his vile vm's. We're all just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Thank you so much for addressing this topic. It is so very, very sad. No relationships with them, no family. A family oriented parent can find themselves very much alone. Acceptance with no hope.
I am the younger brother of a narcissist, my parents glossed over and ignored the extensive list of horrible things he did, they actually celebrated him because "he was good at making money"
Thank you for this, it's been well needed for a log time. The radical acceptance of my kids as they are has always been there but NOT for the possibility of one or more of them having NPD. Over the past few years accepting this has been my focus and accepting it without the grief anymore. I have gone no contact and it may or may not stay that way forever. I don't put hard and fast rules on myself anymore except to keep myself as safe and healthy as I would my child. If I wouldn't want it for a child of mine, I don't want it for me either. I love them very much, now I have to love myself just as much if I ever want a shot at a life.
Progress is: I decorated for the holidays this year. They were always my favorite time of year and I stopped decorating etc. I did it this year and it was so good. It was just GOOD.
Omg at the end, when you said if your sandwiched between having the parent and now, your own child narcissistic- it IS absolutely horrible. This is my experience. Having enough sense to put distance between myself and my mother when my daughter was young ... I was lucky to have several years of freedom from stress and continual guilt and control... Then my daughter grew .. omg. It's devastating. I had no idea that my own child could turn out this way! Now my life full of her accusations, hatefulness towards me ... almost put me in the psyche ward. Especially when she moved in with my mom and teamed up. (Before they eventually turned on each other)... I was lucky enough to get help via hypnotherapy and energy healing and research. During those years I don't know anyone who knew the terminology- "narcissist " (back in 2012 (well and also my entire childhood..) ) My other 2 children are perfectly fine!! Wonderful loving boys. We have very close respectful relationships. Total opposite. Mt daughter has also raged at them, and accused them of outrageous things too. They cut her off. She and them have blocked each other on social media. Breaks my heart.
Thank you. No one who doesn't have a child who has one of the dark personality disorders has any idea what this hell is like, what it is to lock your door against intruders, but the most dangerous person to you is on your side of the door - and you birthed the monster. No one knows what's it's like to be an abused parent, abused by the predator you birthed, and be accused of being a dysfunctional parent. And, BTW, it is now generally acknowledged that BPD in girls *is* the female version of Psychopathy and that females with BPD have full-on Psychopathic episodes in which they are every bit as evil as their male counterparts.
I have recently found your channel and I can’t thank you enough. I only have one child and he has always been a kind, thoughtful and loving man……until he married at the age of 38. His wife has always been threatened by me and I have never understood why. It has taken her 12 years to get him to see how terrible his childhood was…. it wasn’t. I am an RN who gave up my career to be a stay at home mother. It was truly the great joy of my life. His upbringing was different from hers in that she has three siblings but I have tried in vain to explain that different does not equate to wrong. My son is about to turn 50 and the hurt and devastation that I have suffered through for the past year is so overwhelming that I have actually found myself questioning what I have to live for. I am not a suicidal person but I can definitely understand better now how there are those that end the pain that way. I look back now an realize that my daughter in law has dealt with her insecurities with control and gaslighting. It took months of therapy to realize this and I find it interesting that my son and I are going to counseling….he to”fix” himself because she has truly convinced him that he had a terrible childhood and therefore I was a terrible mother and I went because I am smart enough to know what I don’t know and I knew I had no idea how to deal with a son that fairly abruptly turned against me. The one that needs the therapy is orchestrating the scenario that is happening. We live 2 hours apart so it does make it possible for me to “divorce “ myself from the toxic situation I have found myself in but it will never be easy. I have three beautiful young granddaughters and I miss them terribly. I can only hope that as time goes on and they get older I will be able to have a relationship with them. For now I bide my time, communicate with them when I can….birthdays and holidays and pray that at some point my son will realize that he is missing the mother that raised and loved him.
You are not alone. It is heartbreaking to see a child, one you loved more than anything in the world, alienated. The signs were all there from the time they were little but a mother's Rose colored glasses tends to overlook the obvious.
My brother was narcissistic and my family of origine only realized this after his death. The last 25 years of his life he suffered the consequences from a severe stroke that made his personality even worse. All what you say is spot on. Nobody attended his sickbed nor his funeral. I am now the only one alive from the original family, the way it has impacted my life is tremendous. I feel like the storm is over but I still wonder what happened to me and my life at 58. As of tonite while coming home after a nice Italian icecream due to the summer heat I suddenly felt the missing of a brother who was unwanted and who has never been there for me. Since his passing I do see the links between not being wanted, even demonic possession and not having been there at all for me (brother) nor the rest of family like my mom and dad. In the end my brother became a 65 year old tragedy that I was not to blame for. That is what it was but I still have hope he will change and be there for me on summernights like this, even after his death in January 2022. Count your blessings if you have a good relationship with your sibling and hold them every now and then and tell them you love them. Love to you all. Love is the only thing that counts and makes memories. Love is the only thing that you will miss when all is gone, even if it has never been there.
THANK YOU SO MUCH!! For this video 😭😭. My mother was a narc who cut me out of her life first 18 yrs. SHE cut ME out. Naturally I married an very abusive (covert) narc who to this day everyone still thinks is "the best guy ever"! Including my daughter though she had many of her own issues with him. (He is dead now). My struggles with my daughter have been immense. Me being super codependent with feeling I have to prove myself "worthy" but in the end seeing how quickly I can be forgotten ..... . I am very aware of "projection" and have struggled with seeing the truth of my relationship with her cuz I'd tell myself I'm just projecting while beating myself up for being a "bad mother". Certain things have transpired lately and I have reached the end of my limit. But the guilt and shame ..... and it does not help when all you find are "if your kid isn't talking to you its your fault" . I have endured a lot of abuse in my life. Had a nervous breakdown because it finally all caught up with me. Thanks to a wonderful therapist I finally learned the REAL self care. Not just bubble baths with a good book. This is the most difficult self care I have had to do .... stop chasing 😔
I definitely needed this video! This is exactly where I am with my 25yo daughter. It's horribly painful and I stress about it on a daily basis. She refuses to acknowledge anything as her fault or responsibility, all of her problems somehow are traced to me in one way or another. She is verbally cruel and disrespectful one minute, then fake nice the next. It's torture. Now add in drugs. Currently she has me blocked from contact and has taken my access away from my beautiful granddaughter. I'm in mourning of the little girl I once had.😢
Thank you so much. You have described exactly what my husband and I have been going true with our 34 years old son. We do not have any more contacts with him and we’ve been in therapy. The pain and the guilt gets away when we have set limits. It’s still is painful for me his mother but I have réconciliâtes with myself, looking at my two daughters doing great.
Thank you Doctor Ramani. Having a narcissistic child, and in many ways being blamed for the way that they are, is awful. My ND is the violent aggressive type. She has been gone thru her siblings, they don't want her anywhere near. Her nieces and nephew are scared of her. She has spread her hate to anyone who will listen. Im done.
My sister is a narcissist. I struggle with my relationship with my parents because of this. She is their daughter, they love her and want her and her kids in their lives. As a mom myself I get that. But as the person who was abused by her I struggle to be ok with my parents. I don't trust them, they can be used and manipulated by her and it affects me. I don't go to family gatherings I just see my parents separately. I'm also tired of my parents saying I don't forgive my sister because I won't be around her.
@@progressivedragon6664 my dad is just too passive and his idea of dealing with it was to ignore and she'll stop, she didn't. He was a "keep the peace" and just put up type but that actually stole my peace. My mom is a people pleaser and went along (flying monkey) with my sister because she's the loudest. She worries about how things look or what people think and my sister had control of that. I was quiet and stayed out of the way so my sister knew she could control things. My brother was perfect, only boy and in sports. He struggles with addiction now and is just a jerk. My parents are fine as long as I keep my siblings out of it.
I was told to ignore and I was part of the problem. My living parent struggles knowing his daughter is a narcissist. I'm going through I should have been protected as a child, and being the one who won't let her be POA and protecting my living parent.
@@McSpaddenator yes! I struggle with I should have been protected more but also feeling bad for my parents for having to deal with her and knowing the damage that it's done to our family. It's not an easy dynamic to deal with.
I myself was in a narcissistic relationship that wreak havoc on my life! Once I discovered what a narcissist is….i immediately knew my son was one as well!! By this time, at age 22 he had two kids and girlfriend who was being manipulated and emotionally abused. In my home!!! I was triggered constantly. My own son triggers me. But yet, he also reaches out to me when he’s in his “feelings”. He has very low points where he says he wants to give up. That he doesn’t want to be the way he is. I stay very conflicted. As a parent and as a victim. But MOSTLY my heart breaks for my grandchildren!! They are now growing up with a narcissist, abusive father.
thank you for this. I agree with what you mentioned in the beginning about the other videos I have seen from you, that have seemed to put all the blame on the parents and seem to have focused on the parent being the narcissist. My adult daughter (who is almost 50) is entitled, extremely verbally abuse to my husband and me and calls me a narcissist and frequently sends me videos of narcissistic parents, often your videos. She has had some difficult times in her life and blames everything that didn't work out well in her life on us saying it is because we don't face our own issues. Because she believes this, she feels justified in treating us anyway she wants, including raging at us, calling us names, and posting how bad we are all over her social media. We certainly are not perfect, but we have spent our lives working on ourselves and being the best parents we could be. The interesting thing is that everything she accuses us, especially me, is everything she does and is. The most difficult thing is that her son, age 12 is our only grandchild and we love him dearly, but her behavior is making it difficult to have a relationship with him.
So sorry for everyone in this situation. I know what it is like, the disappointment, the pain and the loss. I have read much on this topic but the best advice I received is SAVE YOURSELF.
Thank you so much it’s the worst. I’ve been estranged from my youngest child, with no contact for over a year. She is 37. I’ve tried so hard for so long, and it’s never ever enough. The last straw came when she attacked me in front of my grandchildren and her bf, physically shoving me out if my own home. I almost fell, was 56 at the time, I’m still suffering the physical damage, let alone the emotional trauma,,, thank you for sharing your knowledge!!!.
I have a narcissistic son who has alienated me from my grandson. In my healing journey from codependency, I came to realize that I needed to cut ties with my narcissistic family members, including my son. Holding on for breadcrumbs was just too painful.
I’m right there with my youngest daughter. I saw the beginning of this at 16 and prayed it would get better. It has gotten way worse, and I too don’t see my grandson because of this. I HAD to cut ties after yrs of counselling, but it’s STILL very painful.
It is awful. I just keep putting away little mementoes for my granddaughter, and hope she will find me when she is 18. We were so close, and I really hope she remembers those times even a little bit :(
Extortion is the name of the game for sure. No amount of money is enough for them.
I too am alienated from both my sons. Their father was a narcissist and did a huge amount of damage to my relationship with my children. He passed away last year but the influence he had is deeply engrained in them. I'm embarrassed to say I don't have a relationship with my kids. Everyday I think of them and the pain continues. I have a great counselor that I speak with but I wish I knew more when the children were young. Thank you Dr Ramani for teaching us all. I look forward to all of your videos.
If you like to do anything find a group and do that. Cook, read, knit, crochet, exercise. Anything to fill the void. We cannot decide I must have this relative friendship etc. We love them. Then walk on. I want to be happy. I want to live a long time. My son or your son does not want that. Then walk on. The only way to be happy.
I feel your pain darling. I’ve been alienated from my daughter and 3 grandchildren I cannot have contact with. Going on 16 years. My ex was a malicious narcissist. And, I have paid the price. Stay strong sweetheart 🕊❤️
I have a message for parents of adult, narcissistic children who are abusive. Two things that have become very clear to me: It doesn't matter who it is that's being abusive, you must go no contact. Another very clear thing: I did not cause this. While I do think abusive parenting can cause personality disorders in children, I know that my parenting did not cause this disorder in my son. My son was loved, cherished, and brought up to be emotionally intelligent through gentle parenting. His genetics overcame all of that. His siblings are wonderful, caring, compassionate human beings. He was born this way and despite 20 years of intense help, rescues, resources, bail-outs, and money for treatment he refuses to do anything to be better. I'm convinced narcissism is genetic. My father was diagnosed with NPD, and my son also has NPD. After more than 2 decades of abuse, threats, theft, broken promises and violent outbursts we went no contact with my son. I'm absolutely in therapy trying to process all of this. I hope society and the therapist community comes to a place of not automatically blaming the parent. Please, parents, be gentle and loving with yourself! Our parenting mistakes here and there don't cause NPD. This is inherited, genetic, and YOU can't fix it.
Thank you for sharing I really needed to hear your words.
@@bookbeingSame 💛
I 100% agree with you. Environmental factors can only contribute so much.
Thank you. My son's dad abandoned us when he was less than 1 but I remarried a WONDERFUL man that raised him since 3? As his own. He had very loving and hands on grandparents and I've never been able to figure out what went wrong with him. He's been to prison and jail and many rehabs. I'm grieving his loss and am devastated and his behavior is literally KILLING me. Thank you for any wise words you can throw this way. He's my only child but I do have 2 lovely stepchildren and 6 grandchildren and too many to count nieces, nephews and greats. I just wish I could have my son😢
‼️ Going no contact when grandchildren are involved means leaving them held hostage with no escape. It’s horrifying.
This hurts beyond anything imaginable...
but it can happen, and it was a choice to take that risk
Thank you for qualifying a mother's emotional pain and deep hurt. - I read many of the comments and realize I am not alone. My heart goes out to all parents who have lost a child to narcissism. Death would offer closure...narcissism only causes endless pain and suffering for both parties.
My daughter was such a sweet girl growing up, unfortunately her narcissistic father, whom I divorced, somehow changed all her memories to a bunch of lies. This girl, whom I don’t recognize anymore, has become highly skilled at manipulating those around her. She had joined forces with my sister and turned my parents against me. She’s cruel and heartless, I find it so hard to believe the sweet, loving girl who cuddled with me every night, has turned into such a monster. She’s no longer my child. I don’t know this person that does such horrific things to hurt me. Lonely and painful is an understatement. I’m having difficulty functioning from all the pain. I’ve lost my entire family and will always blame myself for not having left my ex earlier, if I had, she wouldn’t have turned out this way. It’s like grieving for the loss of a child that no longer exists.
This is so painful for me ! I stayed to long in the marriage and my 25 year old daughter has been behaving like my husband (who I am divorcing). I had no idea this could happen but she has this entitlement issue (that I have been dealing with) and only today 10 minutes ago I have the answer to her behavior. I knew she was a lot like him but I kept saying no this can’t be true. Dr you have opened my eyes again !❤
@@cindymcdonnell2119 It’s very painful, I had to cut off all ties with her because I realized, like you, that she really was like her father. Staying involved with her, was destroying me. She would pretend to have changed every time she wanted something from me, then she would discard me in a cruel way. I’ll always love her and pray that she wakes up some day, but I had to cut ties and I even moved out of state. I’m starting to heal now. I’m finally out of the abusive cycle. Unfortunately, I realized that the only way to save myself was to walk away from my entire family. Not an easy feat but the only way I was going to survive and now I know I can thrive as well. I’m so glad you’re getting out. It won’t be easy but it will be worth it. I no longer feel small or like a victim, I’ve taken my power back and now I want to help others do the same. There’s life after narcissistic abuse! Hang in there Cindy, you are loved!
I am sorry what you are going through, but don't blame yourself. You are not the only one who raised your daughter she had lots of other influences in her life also that made her the way she is. School, friends, social media, family, work, some good influences some bad influences. Bad influences who encourage her to turn on you, or who bad mouth you to her. Have a think about this. Also genetics plays a part in a adults personality also. Ask yourself this...if you had left your husband sooner do you think she would be different, or would she have still found a reason to be angry at you?
You stay with your husband adult child blames you for staying, you leave husband adult child blames you for being in a broken home and divorcing her father... Some adult children no matter what you do they will find something to blame you for. Some adult children you can't win with. Some adult children have the victim mentality as it gets them attention, sympathy sometimes even money from people and it's their pay-off.
I hear you. I lost my sweet child of a daughter to narcissism as well. I should have divorced her narcissistic mother soon after her birth. How is one supposed to know?
I cried all my tears a couple of years ago, the hurt can still surface from time to time however, I don't think that will change.
Peace.
My only child (daughter) too was near perfect from birth to 10th grade. She experienced bullying in high school and it completely changed her. We were so close but after the bullying, she is unrecognizable to me. She’s almost 32 and we’re estranged. She has weaponized my only grandchild against me. My husband and I are planning to move away when he retires. It’s all just too painful and never ending drama.
DEVESTATING. This is my conflict and struggle. The grief feels devastating.
The day I realized that my adult daughter wasn't going to change, was that day I said, "I'm done." No further communication from me proved to have saved me from an entire life of grief. I'm missing out on a lot, but I'm happy, mentally healthy and in peace.
I too, have the same story. Its challenging, but I have a far more peaceful life without being manipulated and abused. I know I'm doing the right thing.
My daughter is 18 and on her last year of high school. I haven’t felt peace since she was about 4. She has manipulated my husband so much that we have come very close to divorce, after 20 years of marriage. My daughter is very pleased when my husband and I fight (all fights are over her). Im so over this that I’m almost ready to walk away from them both. 3 months left until her graduation and 5 months until she is off to college. I may make it the three months but absolutely not the 5 months. My husband will NOT let me kick her out after high school. She has enough money in her savings to live off for the summer, I made sure of that! One of us are going to have to go because I’m done.
I just made the decision to do the same when my daughter decided to punish me on Mother’s Day by making me think we were spending the day together so I drove an hour to be with her and she wasn’t there, she went to spend the day with her Mother-in-law instead of her Mother. I was heartbroken once again. I can’t handle the pain anymore. It’s destroying me. I never should have allowed their father to have taken them every other weekend, I know those weekends she was fed lies about me and eventually she believed the lies and turned into a monster. How does one ever recover from this?
Happy for you!❤. I just disengaged communication with my 40 year old son
This is a big step forward from codependency🎉🎉 I just drew the line with my narcissistic daughter. I too will miss out on a lot meaning my grandchildren. However, I don’t reward or accept unacceptable behaviour from anyone.
I'm at my end.
I don't want to give up on my adult child, but, I can't give up on myself either. I need to protect myself.
Lainielou as much as I don't want to, I know in the future I'm going to have to cut him off. It will be my way of showing him I will not tolerate abuse PERIOD.
The same. It is heartbreaking.
Protect yourself! It's right there in your own words!
Save yourself
You have to surrender them because they won't change. I have a malignant narcissist daughter and it didn't matter what I did for her she played the victim, triangulation with everyone, she is just out to destroy me anyway she can. She blames everyone for her unhappiness not realising she will always be unhappy. If I'm in her life she blames me, if im not in her life she blames me for her unhappiness, its never ending. She's blocked me and I'm so relieved, I hope she doesn't unblock me but she will because im narcissistic supply, only she doesn't know I know who she is and that's a blessing.
I’m at the cutoff cliff, but couldn’t leap. However, she has become progressively worse. I thought I could take the lying attacks, constant victimization, abuse, & zero - I mean zero accountability. I can’t. The disdain and disrespect is getting worse.
I may not leap, but I am climbing down. The cutoff is very hard.
My daughter is 42 and we haven't spoken in over 10 years. Yes, therapy is a must and don't think for a minute that it's not needed. The worst for me is loosing a daughter that is a live. My son passed away at 26 after a long illness and that pain is so different. It's like a double knock-out blow, each blow landing in a different area in the head.
For the parents that are starting this journey -- you are not alone. There are many that have gone a head and have learned to live each day to the fullest. Again, therapy is a must.
Will I ever see or hear from my daughter? Probably not and if I do, I will protect myself before protecting her. Do I love her and miss her? Yes and yes. Do I know her after all these years? No. Would I try to reconcile? Yes, with therapy only! Best of luck to each of you in this muck of life. Let the tears flow when needed and don't forget that you are a human being with purpose.
Very well said 👏
Well said! I couldn’t of said it better! You are 100% right. Hang in there. My daughter did the same to me. She took my grand baby away from me for 5 years. I never gave up trying to see my grandchild and always reached out. Often with the door slammed in my face. I finally got through to see my grandchild. She is now a teenager whom I am just now building a relationship with. It’s been a long road. I completely empathize with your post because I remember my early stages and they were excruciating. If I knew what I know now, life would look so different. Thank God for therapy because that sure helps alleviate some of the pain. Take care of you! I know it’s hard but you are going to get through this! God bless you ❤.
Thank you for this comment. I came to the hard realization TODAY 12/31/22 my son is a narcissist. I'm waiting on a locksmith to change all the locks on my home right now. He blamed me for everything wrong in his life. 15 years since high school and I've been the one THINKING/BELIEVING "this time" he'd "get it". He hasn't, I realize now he's been using me all along while draining my emotional and physical resources. I had to admit to myself, out loud, he neither respected nor loved me. Adding to the grief, I'm also a caregiver for my mom...the sandwich generation mentioned in this video. I understand now, clearly, that you can't help anyone who WON'T help THEMSELVES.
It was very hard for me to find a therapist who could understand my pain. Most therapists are so trained to "save the child from the wicked parent" (and I'm not saying that that's not needed: I was removed from my parents for child abuse) that they couldn't or wouldn't understand that the shoe was on the other foot this time.
You are strong well done x look after yourself and do what you can for peace
The hardest thing is that you may feel guilty and responsible if your own child is narcissistic.
Well there is always a possibility to have a narcistic child, that's why I don't choose to have a child, if the child isn't narcistic it will meet narcistic people. So there is no win to have a child.
I DO...YES I FEEL LIKE SHITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
Yes, and at the same time, you have to bear the blame of others: "What did YOU do to make them behave like that?"
Because you are guilty. Sorry.
@@susanmercurio1060 Because you would be to blame.
Its scary when a narcissist lies to try to get a parent in legal trouble as well as alienate their friends with horrible accusations.
Yes, can relate.
Wow , can relate.
@LiveonDASH Went through that myself. Daughter said, "I bet you don't remember what you did to me because you were drunk." This of course in front of family which was horrifying. I played along and said, "Ok, so I was drunk, and I can't remember, so can you please tell me?" To which she replied, "You don't deserve to know." So that was that. Three years later, I still don't know and I'm coming around to the truth that she made a fool out me in front of family and friends, just for the sheer lying pleasure of it.
sometimes parents are in denial
@LiveonDASH why worry, evidence is essential
It's like being emotionally eviscerated when you're attacked by a narc child. It's an emotional pain that I can't express.
THANK YOU !! EVISCERATED!!!
EXPLAIN S MY FEELING. NEVER COULD EXPLAIN.
Spot on.. love the way you ping it " emotionally eviscerated " .. I actually Physically felt that with my daughter
Yes. My daughter had me in such a low place. I could never imagine saying and doing such God awful things to my beloved mother. I'm a normally cheerful person but she had me feeling like I couldn't go on. And that was scary.
I hear you
my sentiments exactly
Having to completely let go of a harmful, shadow-dwelling narcissistic child as a matter of self-preservation truly hurts at the womb level, but not as much as the pain of letting them snuff out the Light within you. If you’ve done all you could to cultivate a loving relationship with them, gave it your all (almost!), then guess what? There was nothing more you could give and still have a Self. So hold your head up, allow time to heal, and move on in the knowledge you gave the best of your love. You kept your promise to be a good parent and that's something you can live with.
(And nevermind whether or not anyone else understands. Live your truth!)
@CovingtonChronicles Love your comment, I needed this
@@saadtee1356 I'm glad it resonates with you. It took me a long time to get in control of the hurt. But I had to, if I am to live my remaining years in peace. I'm against doing battle w someone, putting your very being at risk, just to give them your love and devotion. Everything you need to get through it is right within you. You got this!
Covington Chronicles you are so right. They will destroy your heart and soul if you let them
My son went through a phase where at least once a month hed have outburst. I offered to help him get help but nope. I went dark on him blocking phome and social media after a yearcand a half he found Hod let go of a couple of nasty habits changed his life. We have an adult t adult respectful relationship now. Surrendervthem to God, your higher piwer whom i personally choose to call God Father of Jesus
I’m pretty sure I’ve surrendered them to God by praying every day. Agree?
I learned on my own that walking away from my son and his family was the salvation to my mental health. I was tired of being blamed for cloudy weather.
After my Granny passed, her sister told me years later, that she would often cry about how her son and his wife (my mum) treat her. They didnt really care for her, but enjoyed spending all her money. she lived upstairs in our house but could barely walk stairs, so she barely ever came out of her room. And she felt so hungry every morning, from 5 AM on, as my parents slept in til 9.30 daily. She had to ask me to bring her food from the kitchen every morning around 7 when I got myself ready for school. I totally forgot that until my Granny's sis reminded me of that fact. I ran up and down the stairs for coffee, cheese, bread etc for her and didnt even think about it because I loved her. It was so natural for me to help her. And she would sob " what have I done wrong with my son?" To her confidant. I am sure that he broke her heart in the worst way. I hated him for other reasons, but for making the sweetest most loving Granny cry, I hate him even some more. And my mum too. I do love her but I somewhat hate her for being so egocentric and unkind, unloving. Man remembering all that really sucks. 💔
Also, seeing her in pictures, smiling als a young woman but never smiling in her old age, really makes sense now. This lady lost 2 children during WW2 and treated her third child like a prince. She loved him dearly and he turned out to be an irresponsible bad character person. What a shame it must have been for her. And an incredible disappointment.
Sorry for writing so much but my Granny is my soft spot. 😅
I am so sorry your lovely granny experienced all that pain. But it must have been a blessing to have you around. I'm childless (though I always loved children). The more I hear stories like this, the more I realize children aren't always a blessing unfortunately. Take care.
@@a.r.tavares1322 wanted children are always a blessing… But the apple doesn't fall far from the tree
Yes. They treat people like dogs. You feel like you're stuck in a cage and every once in a while they need an audience so they let you out. The lies and manipulations never ends. It is misery.
Remember the trips you took up and down the stairs for your Granny and smile. Your efforts probably meant more to her then anything else. Be good to yourself and remember your 'soft spot' fondly. My soft spot was my mother-in-law. We loved to hate each other and when I needed to 'land' somewhere, her arms were always open. Wow, I miss her so much! Thanks for your story and may this new year be the best for you. Hugs!
@@progressivedragon6664 gaslight alert 🚨
Sometimes I wonder what it must be like to have a loving and kind child.. 😢
I'm so sorry. Do you have only one child?
Please consider adoption. ❤
Me too👎 this sucks to the tenth power!
This made me cry. I have one child who is now 50 . . and so aggressive towards me . . unless I give him money . . and then even then . . it isn't enough. Now I realize that I have nobody in my old age. I'm so frightened of him, and I've told him that . . but it just makes him smirk. I wish I'd never become a mother . . .
@barbarawolfsong6967 I'm so sorry. May God bless you and keep you safe. I am praying for you 🙏 ❤️. (((HUG)))
This was divine timing... Thank you and all who have commented. I thought I was crazy and somewhat alone and a bad person. Nope no way not anymore.. I'm done!
You're not alone.
Yes, the timing.
It is unbelievable the amount of people that are going through this nightmare. I feel so unbelievably alone and so defeated. Thank you all for sharing your stories so that it can help me feel like I’m not alone.
I'm in year 5 of estrangement by my only daughter who is now 41. It took a while, but I am finally, mercifully and unapologetically indifferent to her. That's the only way to heal.
*Same here Leigh.. The opposite of Love isn't hate...It's indifference. I no*
*longer cry, am sad, or mad...Just indifferent. That is such a great "Safe"*
*place to be! My cut off date has been a year.*
I’m trying to do this….
Good way to describe it.
Agree. A daughter-in-law married my sweet, loving and kind son, and he became exactly like her, as well as her pawn to attack his parents. We were forced to cut the duo off.
I grew up with a narc mother, only realised it in the new millennium....but always respected my parents, as the bible says, not understanding their unpleasant ways. Till they died , when all the info about narcissism came to light.
Trudie P, I like the way you said"the opposisie of love is not hate, its indifference.
I've had to let my adult children go . At my advanced age ,and living with a serious illness , I came to realize that the relationship was virtually killing me . I held on until then . My children were big pieces in my life , and there are few people in this world who will love them like I did . My mental and physical state are much improvement since I've come to accept this situation , and I hold out no expectations that things will get better between us will get better. My heart feels like a desert now .
same same
Same I let 3 narc sons go
So much truth said. My narc brother has spent decades ruining and damaging people. He killed his father from the stress of dealing with him. His mother has spent her life literally following him from place to place paying his bills, child support, rent, car payments, etc., while he rages and screams at her. He has abandoned his children more times than I can remember. He has been in and out of mental wards after police encounters. He has spent his life defrauding women of hundreds of thousands of dollars, threatening to kill people, killing someone, stealing cars, burglarizing homes (of family and friends). I could go on and on. I’m the only person to ever stand up to him and I’m considered the bad guy in the family. My mother wrote a letter to me one time to tell me I’m a bad brother because I called out one of his financial scams (I wouldn’t send him $3000 for “attorney fees” for a non-existent attorney). To this day the elders in my family think it’s better to just let him have his way all the time. You cannot win with narcs. Cut them out completely in every way.
Please be careful of Scammers who impersonate Dr Ramani reply to people's comments. Please do not contact them as they will try to scam you!!!!!
I hope you realize your mother is a covert narcissist as well… Her victim hood and enabling of your brother is what created the monster
@@progressivedragon6664
She’s diagnosed BPD. Total mess of a human being.
You know, it's stories like these that helplme understand why God let's us walk towards the abyss when we turn away from him.
It seems enabling bad behaviourhas such horrible consequences...
Thank you for writing your story!
Sounds like my son! No contact is the only way to go.
You have set me free in so many ways. This is agonizing. It goes against nature to separate yourself from your own child. Yet, your own mental health is at stake by continuing contact. Thank you for your insight.
I unfortunately, am a mother to what I believe to be a covert narcissistic adult child. When I had a therapist, I would share stories with him on the bad deeds my child would do. He often hid the tears that weld up in his eyes because what my child would do was so disrespectful and mean. At the time, I always had hope that my child would change. After years of trying and offering to go to therapy, so we can work on our relationship, (the offer was declined) I finally, after YEARS of waiting, gave up. I FINALLY understand, that no matter what I do it will never change. One thing that will change, is my boundaries. I refuse a relationship, unless there is a therapist that can tell me, my child is not a danger to me anymore. Until then, I will pour all my love into the grandchild that I was blessed with. No more waiting. I am rotting away while that child lives with no care in the world. No, thank you! Now, I live my life for me! If you are in the early stages of waiting for your child to change. I highly suggest you change your mindset because while you wait, your time is ticking away. Better yet, be like them and be selfish. Enjoy your LIFE and the MONEY you would’ve left them, had they been good kids! God Bless each and everyone of you! ❤ we only live once, enjoy your life to the fullest!
Be aware that your grand child may be turned against you. Many here can attest to that including me
There is never enough information on narcissistic adult children. It’s not only painful to realize your daughter is narcissistic, it’s also maddening to deal with her behaviors. I’m very sorry that parents experience this type of abuse.
My only child is a narcissist. The grief does seem bottomless. I’m physically afraid of him when he’s mad. I have finally started to step away. Radical acceptance is no easy task. He’s 38 now. His father is a narcissist too. Not a diagnosis but an assessment on my part. I’m no proctologist but I know an a$$hole when I see one. I’m 61 now n I’m too old for all the strife they both cause. Sometimes I feel like someone is shooting at my feet so I’ll dance like in the old cartoons. I’m done dancing. Just shoot my feet already. I’m still married to this jerk. I’m afraid I can’t make it on my own. So I’m dying a slow n sad death.
because the focus is labeling the parent a narcissist.
@@jrelevates1574 and that has caused a lot of disfunction, harm and suffering over the years and decades. Perhaps centuries. it is a horrifying thing to experience, and a horrifying thing to watch.
I am the parent of a 27 yr old narcissistic daughter. We adopted when she was 11. It's been a hard road, to say the least. It's heart breaking.
@tellulahbella3276
This is a really important topic that I don't see touched on a lot. Would love more videos on this.
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Please add more videos! My son has estranged me because I wouldn't put up with abuse.
The length, depth, width and endurance of grief is everlasting.
Please be careful of Scammers who impersonate Dr Ramani reply to people's comments. Please do not contact them as they will try to scam you!!!!!
No. Only in this life ❤
This topic hits home. My only child is a 40 year old. I noted a change in her sweet personality in her late teens when she started dating her now husband. Since then she uses all the classic traits such as gaslighting, has no empathy, is entitled etc etc. Her kindness came back briefly when she was having her two kids and needed my help. She encouraged the relationship with the grandkids and I saw them multiple times a week, developing strong loving bonds. As soon as they got a bit older (5 or 6) the verbal abuse started up again and she cut me off from them. With therapy I can deal with this but I worry about the effect on my grandkids. It’s a sad, sad situation.
Her ‘kindness’ was because she needed to use you :(
@Mama Bush
That’s a very harsh assumption.
@@mamabush2160 You are wrong. It was for free babysitting. My daughter did the same to me. Also, very jealous that her child, loved his grannie. me. She could not stand that.
USERPG2; Same thing was done to me! She needed a free babysitter, etc, then, when age 5, kindergarten, I was cut off from seeing my only grandchild. He is now 13 years old.
I’m in this too, Noo Grandchildren yet!
She Only communicates with me in front of her Narc Dad!
She verbally abuses, and Ghosts me… ! Her father refused to discipline her..
I’m apparently to blame, for her Rude behaviour towards me…. for Firmly and lovingly Disciplining her… !
He pretends he’s blameless..
I am in this world to live MY life selfish - no just survival mode - My daughter is 40 (3kids) who are getting "trained" as well... I set bounderies and kind of "quit" the relationship to all of them. No contact, so grateful for that - at 62 the most peaceful year in my hole life!! Thank you for that topic!!! Love from Germany
Wow!! Huge congratulations!!! It takes a lot of courage and facing your fears and doing it anyway. I just did this as well and feel such peace 🙏🏼 it was the only way out.
❤❤❤
@@julesgreen5079❤❤❤
❤️❤️❤️
I relate to this completely. I am in the same situation and have gone through all the stages of upset, grief etc., but like you, even when I am having a not so good day I still appreciate the peace and tranquility of not having to tread on eggshells and that I can be the person who I am, not the person others want me to be.
Take care xxx
When I studied abroad, I lived with a woman whose adult son was clearly NPD or sociopathic. When his father had died, he had demanded inheritance. She refused as he didn't legally have any right to what was still hers. The son responded by cutting off communication between his young child and her. She cried every night about it. I felt so bad for her. I gave her props for not giving in to his manipulations; it was pretty clear she knew that giving him the money wouldn't stop his harmful behavior. But how horrible to have to do that to make the right decision.
in some laws, children do have rights. I felt disheritated when my bad dad.
An inheritance is a gift not an obligation. @@beaulieuc8910
I have been desperately in search of this specific topic. The discussion I can easily find is “what if your Boss/parent/friend/spouse is a narcissist?” But never discussion about it being your child. I have been in therapy to try and understand this entire situation and this makes me cry. My daughter married a narcissistic man at 19 while her brain is still developing. At first, my main fear for her was abuse from her spouse, which it still is, but now, I see her developing the same characteristics and traits as her husband and our relationship is so treacherous. All of the things you discuss here are relevant to me; her going no contact to punish me, blaming me for everything, the lack of boundaries, the feeling of guilt as the parent of a child in this situation, the fear of being a parent who abandons their child, or doesn’t but is them forever stuck in an unbearable situation. What happens when I am elderly and dependent upon help and my child and/or her spouse is abusive and toxic? I could use many, many more videos on this topic, please. 🙏
Dr. Ramani told us that she will never ask to contact her directly, please be aware that tis is a scammer
@@Maria-jr7sy yes, I have reported this comment. Thank you though, for warning.
@@Maria-jr7sy yes thank you for the warning!
@@candyshoppeyarns yr welcome 🙏
@@candyshoppeyarns please, do not just report the comment, we all need to report the channel itself for "Impersonation"
No relationship is always better than a toxic one ! I have learned to limit my exposure, & expect nothing of any substance or significance from my child in return. It is more peaceful to accept their inability to love me, than it is to feel at their mercy. I have learned to identify & accept their narcissistic limitations, so rather than constantly trying to set boundaries, I simply continue to Love & let go … it works best for me. I believe as parents, we have done our job well when neither adult child or parent feels beholden to each another. I also believe that our biological family is not necessarily our true family. I have deep friendships with some people who nurture & support me far more than my next of kin. Life is a journey, and our destination is to love & forgive all, to live with courage & fortitude when faced with adversity, & to ultimately accept that there are many things we cannot change. ❣️
My son is 60 im 80yr have put up with his abuse time and time again over the last 40yrs it depends on who he's with at the time and his adult children have walked away as a mum you try and try until it gets to a stage where it hurts to much so sadly now I love him from a distance he have given me the silent treatment for over 12mths now 😢 💔 but at my age iv had to let him go
well said. thankyou
I waited for years for my son to grow up, not realising that he was exhibiting Narcissistic behaviour, not even knowing what that was. He never did grow up, just became a monster. When he met his wife she aided and abetted him. I loved him so much but tried to guide him into being a balanced person but he manipulated and abused me behind my back. Finally he had children and told me about them and cruelly showed me pictures of them but would not allow me to visit them. I realise now why, he had told his wife all kinds of lies about himself and about his family and didn’t want his new family to know the truth. He was born the exact carbon copy of his father. These people are born this way. We should all know this, it is hard for some to accept but it would save so much heartache if it were accepted.
The pain is... there isnt a word to even describe it.
I wish for everyone to know that narcissism is a trait that can be passed down like any disease. Know this when family planning.
I absolutely agree.
@@edelweiss2.076 this is so true my daughter's dad is textbook poster child narcissist and I was just too young and naive to recognize the signs. It's heartbreaking to see your own child behaving like their toxic maladapted disordered dad there's nothing you can do or say to heal the situation. It's like watching a train wreck in progress the momentum is long in the making and there's nothing you can do to stop the inertia and the collision course that's been set in motion.
Very very true, this condition depends on blood group and it affects children who inherit only the bad traits from each of either parent, so they born that way and they for sure don't understand why they are that way, then some kids get lucky and inherit the good traits from either parent and end up better with the help of environment so being narcissistic or empathic is defined right from the womb depending on parents genes, if already one parent is npd and the other parent with some narcism, half of their children will be narcissist and the other half will be a little empathic. And if both parents are narcissists, then obviously all the children will be narcissist, it's not an issue of over praising or traumatized issue during parenting. A narcissist child lacks Alleles in their genes and there can't mature in mind but rather immitate others around them and have trust issues cos they can't easily adjust or adapt to new changes in life, it's more for them like you said this and didn't do so you lied, you are bad and can't be trusted just like a two year old etc, complicated and miserable life for them too that's why they self destruct without even noticing, would a normal person want to be mean to their parents or somebody else who loves them really, no but narcissist end up appearing that way cos they are not strong willed beings and whatever they decide must benefit them in some way or the other then they are fine, sacrifice is love but it's what a narcissist can't do because for them, it's always me first or how will I benefit from this. Period
I had the heart ache of having a narcissistic mother. I am 71 and have only recently learned of this. Of course my mother has passed away. I never knew what was wrong with me to make my mother treat me the way she did. I just knew it had to be my fault because my mother was always right. My sister was treated an entirely different way than I was. I am just thankful that I discovered this narcissistic behavior in my mother, so I have a better self- image of myself. Yes, I found this out late in my life, but at least I know the truth now. ♥️🙏🏻🙏🏾🙏🏽🙏🙏🏼🙏🏿♥️
❤️
🙏🙏🙏
My bipolar adult narc child is the barrier between my 2 grandkids and me. It pains me that I will never be able to have a normal relationship with them. Thank you for addressing this.
Please be careful of Scammers who impersonate Dr Ramani reply to people's comments. Please do not contact them as they will try to scam you!!!!!
@@mamabush2160Seriously. 😢
Praying that you will be able to have a relationship with them.
Seek ye first the kingdom of God and then all these things shall be added unto you.
He cares for you.
🤍🕊
I have an adult Narcissistic child. I was basically thrown under the bus after I was not needed for babysitting. However, I have managed to stay in touch with my grandkids. I never run their mother down and we spend times together doing enjoyable things. They are now adults and I see them questioning their mother’s behaviour. I try to model good behaviour that is all I can do. I have no contact with my daughter.
This is us too. I fear for our autistic grandchildren being raised by a bi-polar, narcissistic mother (our daughter). We helped raise them till we were no longer needed.
I had my suspicions about my daughter and then I got cancer. Guess what? Her behaviour didn’t change one iota. Her gaslighting, manipulations, and down right meanness as per usual. She said she’d help me if I needed it. Hahaha what a joke. But, at least now I know the truth. There’s no more fence sitting.
Thanks Dr. Romani and this entire community.
Try to make the best of the New Year 🎉
My narc D promised to help me move then never showed up.
I’m terrified of getting old and depending on my daughter.
I can relate. When you are in an extreme situation where you'd expect some kind of display of caring, and there's zero, it's a wake up call and a revelation you can't ignore.
@@persiamotorman
You’re absolutely correct. It’s unfortunate when one is surrounded by narcissists. Some worse than others. But then I meet people who are wonderful- long term. They’re not faking it, just genuinely lovely people.
@@catalhuyuk7 Yes, I got rid of some awful people and now I have excellent people around me. What a shift in the level of consciousness!!!
My adult narcissistic child is 49 years old. I have had to go no contact…legally. I have grandchildren who are confused and angry with me for doing this because of course they have heard my child’s stories all their lives. They’re extremely protective over their mother as if she’s the child.
The grief is sometimes unbearable.
Thank you for this post, it does help to know I’m not alone in this.
This only in the sense that my narcissistic sister is insanely protective of our mother but has often said that she felt like she was the mother to her (she's 12 years older than me). I'm how can you think this is healthy?
Welcome to my world. Spousal & adult child alienation is prevalent. So many of their mental health advisors tell them to just go no contact or limited contact in case you need $ or something. A very sad situation.
Are you sure you're not the narcissist or that it's not both of you?
Same boat .
Grandchild used as manipulation tool.
Find whatever peace salvageable and guard it at all costs.
Keep yourself intact.
Best wishes to you.
@@johntuohy1867 agree wholeheartedly. doesn't take away the pain but it helps with other areas of life that deserve our best and that we deserve.
I have 2 adult narcissist children. My mother is a narcissist and I was a scapegoat sandwiched between 2 golden children in a large family. On my healing journey from leaving my family, my son and daughter demonstrated they were narcissists as well. I felt I could not go on. I was a stay at home mom and homeschooled as well. I gave up everything for them. But, I realized I had to grieve the idealism that was leaving me stuck, sit in the awful, difficult truth of reality that I will most likely not have a meaningful relationship with them. I cried, slept in, ate chocolate, journaled and sat in it. Then I moved forward in reality and I feel strong and peaceful. My heart aches when I'm triggered, like when you feel the loss of someone who died, but this is the only way forward. Thank you so much for this video. It was so encouraging.
Best wishes from Brazil 🍉🥝🫒🫐 🐍 🦎 🦚 🦜 🌺 🌻 🌳 🐟 🐆 🌸 🌻 🥥
Ty for your comment. After homeschooling & giving up everything, it is devastating to come to terms with not truly having any meaningful relationship or having to go no contact due to lack of respect for boundaries.
I can sleep in the fact that I gave my daughter exactly what she asked for when she blocked me and I didn't chase her....Praying for you.
Having a narcissistic child is absolutely heart wrenching. The years from age 4-30 were so hard. Yes,it was long! It;s getting a little better now but that's because I have tried so hard to remove myself from any situation that has the potential to hurt me. I have had to let that child know I love them but I just can't take anymore( I only walked away when this child was an adult and had moved out). We raised 6 children who are all adults now and there were only two that gave us grey hairs,tears and many sleepless nights. Like I said things are better now BUT I tread VERY lightly with this one child. I keep conversation casual and light, I remove myself from them if things start to spiral and I have set boundaries.
Yep going through it with my 22 yr old daughter im learning to protect myself the minute I let myself in I regret it !! We have 5 children and 1 adult are a constant rollercoaster , it’s definitely heartbreaking for a loving parents!!
I feel that grief. I was raised in the narcissist family and walked away 5 years ago. I thought I was raising my one child, my daughter differently but I was wrong. I lost my entire family but what hurts most is that I lost my daughter. While looking at the dysfunctional family I looked to her as healthy but now I see that it is actually worse in her. My husband says that she will come back someday and have regret. I don’t think she will, but I feel shame that don’t think I want her back when she is so condescending and controlling.
I lost my daughter and son to narcissism. I married a narcissistic woman who comes from a highly narcissistic family. Both my parents were narcissists and my two brothers.
All that to say that I think my son was born narcissistic. I don't think he had a chance, the genes were too strong on both sides and I can see how he has had narcissistic traits since he was 3 or 4. Maybe your daughter was simply born this way as well.
Take care.
Peace!
She will not grow out of it. I’m learning to live without a lot of interaction with my only child. Letting go of her has been so good for me. I’ve been trying to be close like we once were but it’s never going to happen and that’s okay.
Cindy I hear you from Germany, generational sandwich empath here. ❤️ My only adult son 25 notified us after 4+ years of ghosting that he is happy with extreme religiosity now. Blaming us for everything. I wrote him back I don't want to hear his plans any longer. I'm fed up with that. I don't need that crap.
My brother is a narcissist. He cut off my dad and I from his kids. The manner someone could use their own kids as a pawn to hurt others, including his own kids is remarkable. My dad and I used to talk about it all the time- how he’s so charming and everyone thinks the world of him, but he treated his family like shit. Exactly like my narcissistic mother.
My narc son is very charming, too. It seems to be common with narcs
Thanks Dr Ramani, I never thought I would be dealing with this problem, but I am. It is a grief so huge I cannot express it adequately. Over the years this has gotten worse and now stonewalled. Everything shared by you and the other commenters is spot on. Please continue with this topic because it is a growing problem with adult children we are not equiped to handle. We are living in strange times.
I’m in the same boat the grief is excruciating. So very sorry for you
@@LSMH528Hzwhat exactly would you like to have them called? And what was the purpose of your statement?
@@LSMH528Hz would you prefer adult offspring ? They remain your children I don’t know that the English language would have a common synonym to children to express one s biological and social offspring
@Theresa Stiffler it’s not what you did it’s what your husband did and portrayed …
@@dinavienna l feel you people just don't do understand, for me it is like a death over and over ❤️
My grandma has 4 kids and 3 of them are narcissists. One aunt just never came home, another aunt took money from my grandma and my uncle was verbally abusive to my grandma. My mom (the rare non-narcissist) had been the one that took care of my grandma in the late years. After my grandmother passed, my aunts and uncle decided to sue my mom for money. They lost but the rage is ongoing. My uncle who got the house ended up stating that he had never desired the house and wanted cash instead. They are unbelievably toxic.
To anyone who is going through similar stuff, I’m sending you lots of hugs. They will lose, just takes time.
I suggest you need a part 2 on this one because your example is only of a narcissistic mooch. As you’ve said many times, narcissists can be in management and even be quite successful, and even seen as pillars of the community. But they still need to play their games, and their parent(s) are dependable playthings. They will confabulate, bait, and project until the cows come home.
Thank you for this video, I have been going through hell for years and just recently my child cut us off for saying no twice and now we can not see our grandchildren. This is the hardest situation I have ever experienced.
It is hard, especially when your grown child ruins any chance of you seeing your grandchild. What kept me going on was the real fear of where the lies would land.
ANYTHING was possible for "blood money".
I pray for them both every day-- especially my granchild--- forever.
My narcissistically abused relationship of 25 years caused so much damage on myself and my now 17 y/old son. My son and I were so close to one another. It's unbelievable how far we broke apart. I'm taking my son's breadcrumbs because I feel that's the only thing he has left to give since he gave his all trying to save us all. My son and I still express each other love. He still opens up about his life experiences. He finally went to see a psychologist who diagnosed him with Stage 2 Clinical Depression. I was diagnosed with MDD SR years ago. There is so much damage done by our narcissistic abuser. We were a "family" that lived only to try to fill our narcissistic abuser's void like coins in a broken pocket! I am still in a somewhat shock. I vividly recall his voice still whispering in my ears that I'll never make it without him. It creeps me out to this day.
I found this video particularly helpful Dr. Ramani. As a single mother of one narcissistic daughter, age 34, it took so many years to comprehend what was wrong with her and to accept that this was never going to be 'normal'. I do not believe that I am 100% responsible for her being a narcissist but I contributed. I was raised by a narcissistic parent so of course I was ill-equipped to be as effective a parent as I would have like. I never wanted to abandon her etc...and she used that and more to her advantage. I also rescued her at every turn not realizing that what I was telling her through actions was that I did not believe in her ability to solve her problems. It took years for me to understand that what was wrong with my mother was exactly what was wrong with my daughter and then another many years to put a name to it. I am very grateful that I had been in therapy for MANY years so I am completely healed from my narcissistic daughter. She has no hold over me. I love her with all of my heart so I let her go and disengage. She is free to continue her life which ever way she wants and holds full responsibility for it as well. I am also free, free to forgive, free to love myself and her. There is hope and real, full life after narcissism.
I am in almost the same situation, thank you for sharing it's helped me a lot. Blessings to you
Thank you for pointing out that narcissism can seem to appear anomalously within families. One child is and another is not,despite having been raised by non-narcissistic parents. It’s not always as formulaic as blaming the parents. Also, and I also say this constantly, narcissistic behavior is on a spectrum! It can be sneaky and subtle and not necessarily fit into neat stereotypes.
My adult N child is now 43. The cycle began at age 36 as their life changed; and the N moved far away. Before that, it was the normal relationship of raising a "strong-willed" child but we had mutual respect and some great shared years after college. I have been little contact until late 2022 - when this child was to soon become a parent and the full paranoia of the N came to the forefront; and I was banned. NO CONTACT after the congratulations I sent on the birth of my grandchild; and just vitriol in response to my reach-outs. I am okay because of these forums and hearing that I am not alone in this.
Our youngest, adopted, was diagnosed with Malignant Narcissism. He was a master of manipulating child psychologists and school counselors who were licensed social workers. An out-of-state relocation and move brought it to a head where he killed numerous pets and placed rat poison on my coffee. He is institutionalized. It's taken 3 years and I am only now feeling like I can have peace. Too many therapists do not understand the malignant form.
I'm so sorry. I agree that mental health workers are easily charmed by narcissists. They fall for the lies & manipulation & become the ally of the narcissist against the parents. It's incredible to watch as a parent. My daughter used to talk circles around doctors & psychologists, never getting to the heart of her problem. Only one psychiatrist caught on & she refused to return to him. We wasted so much money on trying to get her help.
This has come just at the right time.. I had my daughter at sixteen. I loved her from the moment she was born, but I also recognised that this child was in control. She is incredibly intelligent. I split from her abusive and cheating father when she was 7. She always controlled me. I left the country when sh was adult and sucked the life out of me. I am back home now after twenty years in another country. I have grandchildren. One is lovely one displays narsisstic traits.. I’m now married to a wonderful man who protects me and understands my situation. My daughter contacted me tonight after three years no contact. It’s like being caught on the eternal wheel of fire
Grief and loss are key words here. Recognize that there is no light at the end of the tunnel. So do the work to protect yourself and build a life for you with people - that may not be your “only child” - like mine but they can possibly be your friends / family in a healthy caring safe way. Not someone that is going to use, abuse, take from u and tell u repeatedly that you’re not enough, not doing enough, not giving enough money, time, effort. I am speaking to myself here. The abused, hurt, lonely codependent that wishes for a better life. Thanks Dr. Yes this is a very heavy sad video but it’s the truth. Appreciate your words greatly.
Dr Ramni, please dont be afraid to speak on this topic more, Nothing has more value than parent / child relationships! Thank you
Alienation of affection with our children is terrible feeling.😥
My God, someone who actually acknowledges the possibility of having a narcissistic parent and also a narcissistic child!! I have often wondered, Am I dreaming? Why did I escape? How did it happen that I've got it on both sides?
Another wonderful nugget is that I have to look at those things I've done well, as well as the contribution from the other parent in influencing my son's attitude.
Being in a sandwich generation, I feel devastated. What you call grief, I call guilt (my own). But perhaps grief is what I'm feeling. OMG, I'm gonna cry.
Wow your story is a lot like mine please no guilt you did the best she could with what you had and being raised by a narcissistic parent I don’t think we were really given the tools that we needed to function in life but as we got older I know that I learned a lot and always swore I would love my children so much that they wouldn’t be like that but that didn’t work my daughter is just like my mother who has passed away years ago! Trust me I understand your pain so much it’s like reliving the nightmare again when you have a narcissistic child after you’ve been through the narcissistic hell growing up yourself it sucks I just wanted you to know I feel your pain!
Thank you. You were speaking to me as a mother of a narcissistic daughter. I'm sad and I'm an old woman and at last i can see the light.
Gloria, I'm with you in the exact situation. ❤️
Me too. 😢
Warm regards sent your way my dear. Best wishes from Brazil 🍉🥝🫒🫐🐍🦎🦚🦜🪲
My son will be 25 soon! He is a cloned version of his father! It's scary! I divorced the man back in 2004 because of adultry and other antics! He was 6 at the time! No amount of love I have or my family has ever been able to touch his soul! I am a child abuser and trash to him taught to him by his father! This is all in a community that other people believe are good people and Christians! When actually it's a CULTure!
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@@amac2573 I am aware! Thank you! Happy New Year to you!!!
@@123raven4 Hope 2023 is good to you and for you! Thanks for your reply.
Same exact thing happened to me, so sad
You are spot on! For all the people here who have and are going through this my heart ❤️ goes out to you. Please take care of yourself.
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Best wishes to you Lorri Fugate. Hope 2023 is good to you and for you.
Best wishes from Brazil 🍉🥝🫒🫐🐍🦎🌴🪴🐸🦚🦜🌺🌷🌸💚🌞🐞🐝🪲🐈💐🌹🐞🐝
@@amac2573Best wishes from Brazil 🏖️🩵🦋🐠🦚🦩🦜🌈
We have a narcissist adult daughter. The narcissism didn’t really reveal itself until she was in her 20’s. Art that time we thought she was just bad with money. Yes we became her bank of free money for a few years. She’s nickel and dime us you know gas money. Then we started wonder where all our hard earned money went. Then the time I told he no we don’t have it to give. OMG my first experience of narc rage well from her. We both have narcissistic parents but it was her maternal grandmother who help mold her into the monster she is today. Grandma narc claimed she had hormonal issues and took our daughter to her Dr. She got an RX to help her hold back the narc rage. There’s a huge stigma of going NC with a child but we had to. She was also sneaking into our home while we were at work taking small things hiding little things from me. You know the gaslight thing hide and deny then delight in watching me look for something she’s hidden from me. She befriended all my old co-workers and friends or at least people I used to consider friends. She imitated me, tried to become me in a way. It was crazy-making. My husband didn’t see it at first. But then he realized and started searching as to what’s up with her. I was her main target. We changed the locks so she couldn’t just come over to take stuff whenever she wanted. We went no contact then finally we moved away 500 miles. That was far enough to keep her at bay. It’s been 8 years. I’m free from her now and all my family and ex-friends and co-workers. I hope this all makes sense I just mentioned the highlights of her abuse. Thank you Dr Ramani I enjoy your channel. Also thank you for covering this subject it’s a hard one to talk about. Everyone wants to blame the parents but sometimes the child is just a narcissist.
Agreed...
It makes perfect sense. Our ND inherited her personality from a grandparent, too. When she lived with us, or visited, we all locked our bedroom doors. We were afraid of her violent tendencies. My hubby just put in a new front door. She will never be given a key to it.
My son’s didn’t reveal itself until late 20’s. It was masked by substance abuse for a few years. I never thought about my ex hiding my things as narcissistic behavior. It baffled me the “why” he would do that until I read your comment.
I often wonder if my family will have to move away. My heart breaks for us all.
My goodness. Thank you for sharing your story. After reading your comment it sounded exactly what my aunty told me about her daughter. She said that her Narc daughter will go out of her way to 'get back at her' by taking things from her without telling her and then find joy in seeing her getting upset because she couldn't find it and at the same time gaslight her saying she has dementia always misplace things etc....there's also a lot of other issues as well but i didn't believe my aunty because her daughter were pleasant in front of me. Since, her daughter moved closer to me now, I started to notice some odd behaviour here and there. I hope u r doing well now and may God bless you.
Thank you so much for this video. We hardly see anything about narcissistic children. I see the abuse my partner of 13 years has endured from his adult daughter, his only child. It is so sad. There were times I’d had enough of witnessing this dysfunctional relationship and just thought “Run for the hills!”, especially when I started becoming her target. He has become unable to cope with the abuse due to progressive health issues, and really needs me at this point to advocate for him. I thought for 10 years that she would grow out of this way of being, and we would be able to have a wonderful relationship down the road, but she’s only become meaner and nastier. I know too much, so it’s like she needs to get rid of me so I don’t disrupt the false image she works so hard to manipulate people with. I’ve gone no contact, but she continues to smear me and lie about me to anyone who will listen, making her the victim of me, instead of the other way around. I’ve actually never said a cross word to her EVER. I can see that people who are victims of narcissistic abuse by parents, and have not experienced having a narcissistic child cannot understand this, but to those who do, you have my sympathies. Hang in there and know you are not alone. 🙏
Your comment, “I know too much etc.” rings true for me. I’ve felt deep down this is the reason my 43 yr old has such rage toward me & is keeping my 3 grandchildren away (4 yrs now)!
@@48bumper the grandchildren is a sad part. My partner now has 2 grandchildren, and the narc daughter uses access to them to hurt. I can’t stand it. I know she is poisoning these innocent children against me, and I just don’t want to even try to bond with them because it will hurt too much when she tries to use them to manipulate me. It just never had to be like this. I just wanted to have a good relationship with her and everyone get along and be supportive of each other, but yeah I know too much, I’ve seen her raging and cursing at her father, throwing and breaking things. Everyone else sees this sweet, charming person who’s trying to make it in this world, be a good mom and have a nice life. She’s very deceptive, how she represents herself and plays this storyline that she’s been victimized by me. Sorry for what you’re experiencing. I wish I could believe it gets better, but I don’t believe that a relationship with a toxic narc can ever be anything but poison ☠️
I am currently the step mom of a violent 11year old Narcissist and his mom is also a narcissist. I am so devastated. I try to set boundaries but he gets physically violent towards me when I try to discipline him. I was abused as a child and do not want to be abused as an adult by this child. I try and just stay out of anything or not be home or hide in my bedroom. I also feel guilty for this. It's horrible. He also abuses his father and you can't talk to his mother. Anyone have any advise? I am starting therapy soon and hopefully this will help. I find your videos helpful and like that you don't beat around the bush.
Omg your story is my story, even after 18 years she still smears and harasses me. We recently had her daughter for a few days and she told her mom I was mean to her which never happened. His daughter called screaming at him about me. He did defend me because he knows it didn’t happen. I can’t change her if my hubby only myself so my knew boundary is no contact for his daughter and grand daughter. He needs to have visits without me from now on. It won’t stop her smearing me though. I did not break up his marriage I met him he’s been divorced a few years
@@jackiepetitpas5418 I hate to say this but they won’t change so definitely set boundaries
Thank you for this supportive video (and the many others you have done). My adult daughter is a narcissist and has been since childhood. I believe she was born that way. Out of self-compassion, I finally set a boundary with her to try and stop the cycle of her abusive behavior towards me. This enraged her and she cut me off. Unfortunately, she cut me off from my grandchildren as well. But two of my grandchildren have a different father than my daughter's husband and he is happy to support a relationship between me and them. I haven't seen my youngest grandchild in three years and he is now five. Heartbreaking. The saddest part is that my narcissistic daughter has turned her rage, violence and abuse towards her own daughter who is now 14 years old, which has caused almost a complete breakdown of their relationship. There are no limits to what a narcissist will destroy. The only way I can navigate through the deep pain and grief I live with every day is through radical acceptance. There is no other way.
I was told by a councillor that I was being abused. He said that he specialises in Marital abuse. He told me I needed to get her out of my house. I asked her to leave . I was and still am smeared everywhere, even with my Grandchild
The drama doesn’t end. There is mania, depression, drugs, alcohol,histrionics and now emotional abuse of her child
We are no contact 4 yrs and it’s so different. I literally arrange pick up for the child.
She has tried and tried to come between me and the Grandchild to no avail. The one thing is that she puts the mask on with most people but not us. Me and the 12 yr old get the same abuse. We have a respectful mutually enjoyable relationship . It’s all so different and I am the same person.
Since 12 I have had problems with my adult child and now she is 34. I have read the abusive messages she sends her own child when at school for small crimes. Calls her at school screaming Heartbreaking 😢
I am so thankful that this subject finally came up. My daughter has been manipulating and abusive since her early teens. She is now 40 and things finally came to a head when I became very ill and needed her help. She refused and left me basically on my own. I am single and her father has passed away so there wasn't really anyone else to call on. I stopped contact with her 8 months ago and it is extremely painful to realize that this is not likely to change. I also am the daughter of a very controlling and narcissistic mother. Your mentioning "the sandwich" situation is the first time I've heard this addressed.
Same here. I Hope you heal❤
Thank you for this video Dr Ramani. This video identifies so much with my narcissistic daughter. In this year I’ve learned about narcissism and recognized that my parents are the root to where it begin. Unaware of such has caused me so much narcissistic abuse. To be safer alive I have gone no contact and upon seeing any signs distance myself immediately. I am honored to go into 2023 living more of a narc free lifestyle.
You are not alone. I had to go no contact with my grown daughter for 8 months. Now she knows that if she shows out any kinda way, I'm out. You have to look out for your own health. Once they see you don't have any boundary's they will run all over you and make your life a living hell. May you have a narc free new year! I KNOW I WILL!
I just learned of this npd child possibilities from a friend as I consult my 19 years old daughter strange behavior cutting all communication and news of her after only she went to university abroad for 3 months . While her study and living expenses are fully supported by us .
She does not reply parents call , parents text … on the surface to friend and other relatives, my daughter is lying that she maintained the communication with parents . We were shut off from the social media etc.
This video help us prepared ourselves for the worst
Thank you again so much Dr.Ramani. You have been such a lifesaver for me addressing narcissism. My daughter is 22 and she is not getting better, just worse with her behavior towards me. She refuses therapy. We have not physically lived with each other for years, since she was 16 and went to live with her narcissistic dad. He is a true narcissist! It was my worst fear. I'm still going to hold out hope that her brain is still developing and things will level out. She refuses to go to therapy. It's easy to walk away from someone who is treating me bad such as a husband, friend or coworker. The last thing I've ever wanted to do was walk away from my own child because of the way she treats and disrespect me horribly without accountability, remorse or change. Thank you! Happy New Year!
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I feel your pain! ❤️
And I also hope that my 22 years old daughter who's been living with her narc dad since she was 16, will mature to understand me, to be able to put herself in other person's shoes. Compassion is what I wish for her to feel. I believe she is not hopeless that way...
If not, I will not put myself through the same inferno again. I leave the door open, but will protect my inner wounded child from further hurt. Even if the price for this is as high as a total separation.
I am of the opinion that personality disorders are genetic. I only recently realized that my exhusband fits the definition of a narcissist. It is a shock to realize that the difficult behaviors of two of my kids from that marriage have the same traits. For me, radical acceptance is not difficult but it is really hard to continue to have a relationship with them. The main thing I have altered in myself is to not expect a close adult relationship, and to stop giving.
I think there's some genetic component
@Mama Bush Not sure how that would end the relationship just by itself
@@cairosilver2932 , mama bush enjoys trolling these threads. 😀
My neurologist agrees with you❤
I’ve come to the conclusion that my daughter inherited a genetic predisposition to narcissism and also had it modeled for her particularly in the way she saw me be treated by her father who is strongly narcissistic as is his sister. I recently found out I need heart surgery and I think it’s from decades of dealing with the narcissism of all of them.
I feel that I've been mourning the loss of my daughter (who is alive and well just a few miles away) since she was 18 and will soon turn 37. 5 years ago, I decided to no longer chase her. I have not heard from her since.
nearly the same dynamic with my own daughter... i feel ya!
How did you cope? My son is 17. I won't even be able to celebrate his 18th because he's gone and I accepted it
😢 I can relate
Same here, she ll be 37 in november.
Thanks a million 🙏🏻.. I was listening and crying, because that's my life of the last three years.I moved back to London after few years of narcissistic relationship with a man which I ended and gone no contact only to get trapped in a new narcissistic relationship with my own children. It's painful...I can't even move out because of some legal issues and high prices for rent at this time.. And I am very tired of everything.. lucky I will start again therapy from 16th January 🙏🏻
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London is expensive so are most of the main larger UK cities including Glasgow and Edinburgh. May be somewhere like Stirling, Durham. Just a suggestion.
@@amac2573 Thank you 🙏🏻
Crushingly difficult to stop reacting responding explaining arguing defending " in perpetuity" as the vindictiveness grows.
More difficult still to continually engage.
Most numbing stifling soul crushing experience with no discernible "way forward".
My dad (narcissist) always talks about how evil and horrible his parents are but his stories he tells to prove they're awful just proves how awful he was as a kid. Always beating up his brothers then get mad when his parents punish him by grounding him ect. He abused his parents and brothers. Just disgusting.
The hurt with this is I feel like I got rid of my narcissistic husband, and my eldest stepped up and took his place 😔
Snap
I can totally relate 😢
Yep!
For me, it’s my mother whose role is now played by my daughter. She’s a much younger version, that’s all.
Dr. Ramani, since my early adult years, I've been interested in psychology and the scientific study of the human mind. Not only as a self reflection, but also as a means of achieving strong and healthy relationships. Thank you for touching on these sensitive, yet important topics. Your videos are always so insightful.
Thank you. There's so little information out there about narcissistic children that it's easy for a parent to blame themselves. My daughter meets the textbook description of NPD. She's 36 and I haven't spoken to her in over a year. I had been tolerating her cruel, abusive behavior in the name of keeping the peace since she was a young adult. She has withheld my grandson in the past when she didn't get what she wanted, hence my fear of angering her. One day I finally blew and we had an argument, the one I knew was coming and dreading, and that was it, just as I feared. The pain of this estrangement is overwhelming at times, especially since now there are two beautiful grandbabies I haven't seen in a while. However, as I attempt to heal I've come to realize how exhausting it was to constantly walk on eggshells in an effort to keep a relationship with her. As agonizing at it is, I perhaps have to accept that maybe I'm better off without her constant drama and stress. Nevertheless, the guilt and pain can still stop me in my tracks like a punch in the gut. I have a good relationship with my son, who observed that he doesn't understand how his sister can be this way. They were both raised in the same house with the same parents. Small comfort.
Several months ago, I became aware that my adult daughter was a narcissist. Something that someone someone said, made me realize that this was exactly what Mariah did. I looked up narcissist and their characteristics. My heart sunk as my daughter had nine of the 10 characteristics. The more I researched the more I began to realize who she really was.
When she was growing up I couldn't figure her out. People would point the finger at me and say that I was the problem. As I look back from the time she was a toddler, so many of these characteristics were screaming in my face, but I couldn't figure it out. She is now almost thirty years old, blames me for everything and has cut me completely out of her life. No amount of attempt on my part has made her want to have anything to do with me.
I have never told anyone what I know. It breaks my heart and I blame myself that it must have been something I did. I don't know.
Imo, personality is a genetic lottery. Some people win & some lose. Your daughter lost. That isnt your fault
My son was a toddler when I noticed something that seemed off. It frightened me. When he was a teenager he displayed full blown narcissistic behavior. We rarely talk because I have had to cut ties after years and years of tears and trying to have a healthy relationship.
@@jacquelinestewart3157 I'm so sorry. I understand what your going through. We love our children even with their flaws. But for them to cut you completely out of there lives, or because of there behavior, you have to cut them out of yours, is heart breaking.
❤❤ I feel for you- but this is just a side note…your name is in visible above your comment, you’ve named your daughter and given quite a bit of detail .. please protect yourself by not putting up personal info that can kesve you open to scammers etc. I say this with ❤.
Are these symptoms seen in a 5 year old child also?
My son is almost 20 as of January. His mother is a full blown narcissist in my opinion. My son is displaying the same spectrum B personality traits. He is an abuser of marijuana and lies constantly. Blame shifting, gaslighting, manipulative and never does what he says he's going to do. He has totally went dark unless he needs something or is late on his insurance payment then he texts and tries to play I'm checking on you game. I bought his car, got him a job where I worked and carried him to the point I cut the enablement cord and let him sink or swim. Well long story short he made bad decisions and drowned. Lost his job and as much as I wanted to help I went tough love. He lives with his mother now but I paid for his car, his tag and his insurance until recently. Now he has to pay his portion of the insurance. He waited till he could no longer afford his habit so he finally got another job and now will be late again on his payment. I am to the point that I will pay the few hundred dollars needed to totally separate from the situation and wash my hands of his behavior and actions. I'm pretty much done. I have dealt with narcissists since birth and have healed myself and am not the doormat anymore. My boundaries are being stepped on by him, the last person in my life that exhibits these traits, and I don't need the frustration, heartache and drama that comes with the territory.
It is like you said it's the saddest thing to have to experience but after 20 years of guiding, supporting, sacrificing to be there for him, because after all his mother wasn't, especially after the child support was discontinued at 18, I need to let go and put me and my well being first for a change.
Thank you for listening and your insight..........a Sad Dad😥
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😢 ❤
Wow this is my exact story!! Literally word from word. My son 21 does this exact same thing to me. Job to job, smoking weed and just being so irresponsible and lashing out when he doesn’t get his way. Having no insurance and just saying things and not meeting up to his word. I literally had to walk away. It’s like grieving seriously. Having children with narcissistic ppl will definitely breed to the child. Very heartbreaking
@@yuriq8825 I am sorry to hear you are going through that too. It truly is so heart wrenching. If anything from this post is now we know we are not alone in our experience and suffering. Sometimes it feels like no one else will understand or we question ourselves thinking what we could have done better.
Thank you for feeling the need to respond to the comment section.💯🙏
@@johndavid3132 We are definitely not alone, I have 2 other sons who are fantastic and shows lots of love and empathy. It helps when other children see you as the parent you truly are. Love and support and compassion. My first born oldest must live out his life the way it’s designed to be, as parents we must not live our life with the guilt or shame as if we are to blame. It’s genetic for sure. I just feel we can’t suffer with the only life we have at the present time. It’s our destiny to move on and live a beautiful fulling life.
I'm textbook .. narcissistic father husband and 2 sons and daughter. I suspect every man and woman I gravitate to are all narcissists. It took me about 55 years to put it all together. I'm really grateful for the information you shared. It validated the things I could only say to myself. I've come to the realization that there's nothing I can do or fix. In that realization I was rewarded with my freedom. Which certainly relieves the pain.
This video is just good timing … is so sad , is heartbreaking to accept that this is my reality with my 40 year old daughter … trying to process the grief and loss but still having a hard time . Thank you for giving me some clarity ❤
Me too ❣️
Alejandra, may God Bless you. 🤍
Give some clarity of the strange behaviors of punishing parents from our 19 non biological daughters who still fully financially supported by us
Sending love and support to all.have a great day,beautiful people!xo
Dr. Ramani will never ask us to contact her directly, be aware this is a scammer.
it is important to report the channel for impersonation and not just the comment.
@@Maria-jr7sy Thanks for keeping a look out for Scammers. Best wishes to you and I hope 2023 is good for you and to you.
Hope 2023 is good to you and for you anonymous anonymous!
Just today, my 45 year old daughter was helpful and charming. I've learned not to count on that. I steer clear. Initiating that was a catastrophic jolt to my whole being. Disaster struck in her life at the exact time I was solidly recovering my sense of well-being. I still steer clear, but I fight running to her rescue. It's a mine field. At my age, I will be needing her. God help me.
Fix it so that you will not need her. She won't step up anyway.
You might not be able to control the people or events in your lives, but you do get to choose how you react. Whether that means creating boundaries, seeing them less, grey rock, or staying confident and giving lots of praise to help build them up. It doesn't matter whether you had a narcissistic child or parent (we never control the events), what matters is how you reacted.
Dr. Ramani: First, thank you for this video and affirming that parents aren't always to blame. I'll keep it brief..my 48 year old daughter became extremely narcissistic towards her brother (47) and, to me, about 15+ years ago. Last Christmas, after an incident blown out of proportion, she went "no contact" with both of us. Prior, I had been extremely close to her children (ages 17 & 14) since they were born.Her father passed years ago, and I am single. My son is a kind, caring person, and, this break has caused him to feel tremendous pain and hurt. In turn, his pain hurts me, as my daughter is well aware. The verbal and psychological abuse, the gaslighting, the walking on eggshells for so many years is something I've chosen to remove from my life. She and I "reconciled" when I was invited last June to a graduation brunch for my grandson; however, things, of course, are not the same between us. She will never reconcile with her brother; she's cut off his innocent fiancee and equally innocent four year-old nephew. Her husband detests us. So, despite my initial pain and heartache, I'm moving forward with my life and loving the ones in front of me. Thank you so much for this channel. I wish you peace, joy and good health in the New Year. 🙏🏻 🥂 Rosemarie 💖
I went no contact almost 9 years ago with my malignant narcissist son as well as a 2 year period prior to that. I hate that I had to forfeit a relationship with my two grandchildren, but I’m so happy having him out of my life completely and permanently. I do not regret my decision to go no contact !
Similar situation here with my son. On top of his malignant narcissism, he's also severely mentally ill. I don't think he was ever properly diagnosed so never on the appropriate medication for his mental illness. But because now he has "rights", he doesn't have to go to therapy or takes his meds - he's literally off the rails. Both sides of the family have had to block him (but he manages to get around the blocks but using other numbers or changing his own number). There's a really stalky feel to it. I let both of my vm's fill up so he can't leave any more of his vile vm's. We're all just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Thank you so much for addressing this topic. It is so very, very sad. No relationships with them, no family. A family oriented parent can find themselves very much alone. Acceptance with no hope.
I am the younger brother of a narcissist, my parents glossed over and ignored the extensive list of horrible things he did, they actually celebrated him because "he was good at making money"
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@@amac2573 Got it, thanks
@@brokenbottle66 that's a scammer!!!
@@rastaboi8864 Got it, thanks!
Thank you for this, it's been well needed for a log time. The radical acceptance of my kids as they are has always been there but NOT for the possibility of one or more of them having NPD. Over the past few years accepting this has been my focus and accepting it without the grief anymore. I have gone no contact and it may or may not stay that way forever. I don't put hard and fast rules on myself anymore except to keep myself as safe and healthy as I would my child. If I wouldn't want it for a child of mine, I don't want it for me either. I love them very much, now I have to love myself just as much if I ever want a shot at a life.
Progress is: I decorated for the holidays this year. They were always my favorite time of year and I stopped decorating etc. I did it this year and it was so good. It was just GOOD.
Thank you for your words. I don’t feel so alone in this. I too need to put more attention on myself :)
Omg at the end, when you said if your sandwiched between having the parent and now, your own child narcissistic- it IS absolutely horrible.
This is my experience. Having enough sense to put distance between myself and my mother when my daughter was young ... I was lucky to have several years of freedom from stress and continual guilt and control...
Then my daughter grew .. omg. It's devastating. I had no idea that my own child could turn out this way!
Now my life full of her accusations, hatefulness towards me ... almost put me in the psyche ward. Especially when she moved in with my mom and teamed up. (Before they eventually turned on each other)...
I was lucky enough to get help via hypnotherapy and energy healing and research. During those years I don't know anyone who knew the terminology- "narcissist " (back in 2012 (well and also my entire childhood..) )
My other 2 children are perfectly fine!! Wonderful loving boys. We have very close respectful relationships. Total opposite.
Mt daughter has also raged at them, and accused them of outrageous things too. They cut her off. She and them have blocked each other on social media.
Breaks my heart.
Just being validated by your information made me feel a little better. Thank you.
Thank you. No one who doesn't have a child who has one of the dark personality disorders has any idea what this hell is like, what it is to lock your door against intruders, but the most dangerous person to you is on your side of the door - and you birthed the monster.
No one knows what's it's like to be an abused parent, abused by the predator you birthed, and be accused of being a dysfunctional parent.
And, BTW, it is now generally acknowledged that BPD in girls *is* the female version of Psychopathy and that females with BPD have full-on Psychopathic episodes in which they are every bit as evil as their male counterparts.
I have recently found your channel and I can’t thank you enough. I only have one child and he has always been a kind, thoughtful and loving man……until he married at the age of 38. His wife has always been threatened by me and I have never understood why. It has taken her 12 years to get him to see how terrible his childhood was…. it wasn’t. I am an RN who gave up my career to be a stay at home mother. It was truly the great joy of my life. His upbringing was different from hers in that she has three siblings but I have tried in vain to explain that different does not equate to wrong. My son is about to turn 50 and the hurt and devastation that I have suffered through for the past year is so overwhelming that I have actually found myself questioning what I have to live for. I am not a suicidal person but I can definitely understand better now how there are those that end the pain that way. I look back now an realize that my daughter in law has dealt with her insecurities with control and gaslighting. It took months of therapy to realize this and I find it interesting that my son and I are going to counseling….he to”fix” himself because she has truly convinced him that he had a terrible childhood and therefore I was a terrible mother and I went because I am smart enough to know what I don’t know and I knew I had no idea how to deal with a son that fairly abruptly turned against me. The one that needs the therapy is orchestrating the scenario that is happening. We live 2 hours apart so it does make it possible for me to “divorce “ myself from the toxic situation I have found myself in but it will never be easy. I have three beautiful young granddaughters and I miss them terribly. I can only hope that as time goes on and they get older I will be able to have a relationship with them. For now I bide my time, communicate with them when I can….birthdays and holidays and pray that at some point my son will realize that he is missing the mother that raised and loved him.
this is soo sad ; I can't believe how evil some people can be
You are not alone. It is heartbreaking to see a child, one you loved more than anything in the world, alienated. The signs were all there from the time they were little but a mother's Rose colored glasses tends to overlook the obvious.
My brother was narcissistic and my family of origine only realized this after his death. The last 25 years of his life he suffered the consequences from a severe stroke that made his personality even worse. All what you say is spot on. Nobody attended his sickbed nor his funeral. I am now the only one alive from the original family, the way it has impacted my life is tremendous. I feel like the storm is over but I still wonder what happened to me and my life at 58. As of tonite while coming home after a nice Italian icecream due to the summer heat I suddenly felt the missing of a brother who was unwanted and who has never been there for me. Since his passing I do see the links between not being wanted, even demonic possession and not having been there at all for me (brother) nor the rest of family like my mom and dad. In the end my brother became a 65 year old tragedy that I was not to blame for. That is what it was but I still have hope he will change and be there for me on summernights like this, even after his death in January 2022.
Count your blessings if you have a good relationship with your sibling and hold them every now and then and tell them you love them.
Love to you all.
Love is the only thing that counts and makes memories.
Love is the only thing that you will miss when all is gone, even if it has never been there.
THANK YOU SO MUCH!! For this video 😭😭. My mother was a narc who cut me out of her life first 18 yrs. SHE cut ME out. Naturally I married an very abusive (covert) narc who to this day everyone still thinks is "the best guy ever"! Including my daughter though she had many of her own issues with him. (He is dead now). My struggles with my daughter have been immense. Me being super codependent with feeling I have to prove myself "worthy" but in the end seeing how quickly I can be forgotten ..... . I am very aware of "projection" and have struggled with seeing the truth of my relationship with her cuz I'd tell myself I'm just projecting while beating myself up for being a "bad mother". Certain things have transpired lately and I have reached the end of my limit. But the guilt and shame ..... and it does not help when all you find are "if your kid isn't talking to you its your fault" . I have endured a lot of abuse in my life. Had a nervous breakdown because it finally all caught up with me. Thanks to a wonderful therapist I finally learned the REAL self care. Not just bubble baths with a good book. This is the most difficult self care I have had to do .... stop chasing 😔
I definitely needed this video! This is exactly where I am with my 25yo daughter. It's horribly painful and I stress about it on a daily basis. She refuses to acknowledge anything as her fault or responsibility, all of her problems somehow are traced to me in one way or another. She is verbally cruel and disrespectful one minute, then fake nice the next. It's torture. Now add in drugs. Currently she has me blocked from contact and has taken my access away from my beautiful granddaughter. I'm in mourning of the little girl I once had.😢
Thank you so much. You have described exactly what my husband and I have been going true with our 34 years old son. We do not have any more contacts with him and we’ve been in therapy. The pain and the guilt gets away when we have set limits. It’s still is painful for me his mother but I have réconciliâtes with myself, looking at my two daughters doing great.
Thank you Doctor Ramani. Having a narcissistic child, and in many ways being blamed for the way that they are, is awful. My ND is the violent aggressive type. She has been gone thru her siblings, they don't want her anywhere near. Her nieces and nephew are scared of her. She has spread her hate to anyone who will listen. Im done.
God Bless you Mom of 2 🤍
My sister is a narcissist. I struggle with my relationship with my parents because of this. She is their daughter, they love her and want her and her kids in their lives. As a mom myself I get that. But as the person who was abused by her I struggle to be ok with my parents. I don't trust them, they can be used and manipulated by her and it affects me. I don't go to family gatherings I just see my parents separately. I'm also tired of my parents saying I don't forgive my sister because I won't be around her.
Most likely, one or both of your parents is a narcissist
I'm in the same situation.
It has hurt everyone except her.
@@progressivedragon6664 my dad is just too passive and his idea of dealing with it was to ignore and she'll stop, she didn't. He was a "keep the peace" and just put up type but that actually stole my peace. My mom is a people pleaser and went along (flying monkey) with my sister because she's the loudest. She worries about how things look or what people think and my sister had control of that. I was quiet and stayed out of the way so my sister knew she could control things. My brother was perfect, only boy and in sports. He struggles with addiction now and is just a jerk. My parents are fine as long as I keep my siblings out of it.
I was told to ignore and I was part of the problem. My living parent struggles knowing his daughter is a narcissist. I'm going through I should have been protected as a child, and being the one who won't let her be POA and protecting my living parent.
@@McSpaddenator yes! I struggle with I should have been protected more but also feeling bad for my parents for having to deal with her and knowing the damage that it's done to our family. It's not an easy dynamic to deal with.
I myself was in a narcissistic relationship that wreak havoc on my life! Once I discovered what a narcissist is….i immediately knew my son was one as well!! By this time, at age 22 he had two kids and girlfriend who was being manipulated and emotionally abused. In my home!!! I was triggered constantly. My own son triggers me.
But yet, he also reaches out to me when he’s in his “feelings”. He has very low points where he says he wants to give up. That he doesn’t want to be the way he is.
I stay very conflicted. As a parent and as a victim. But MOSTLY my heart breaks for my grandchildren!! They are now growing up with a narcissist, abusive father.
thank you for this. I agree with what you mentioned in the beginning about the other videos I have seen from you, that have seemed to put all the blame on the parents and seem to have focused on the parent being the narcissist. My adult daughter (who is almost 50) is entitled, extremely verbally abuse to my husband and me and calls me a narcissist and frequently sends me videos of narcissistic parents, often your videos. She has had some difficult times in her life and blames everything that didn't work out well in her life on us saying it is because we don't face our own issues. Because she believes this, she feels justified in treating us anyway she wants, including raging at us, calling us names, and posting how bad we are all over her social media. We certainly are not perfect, but we have spent our lives working on ourselves and being the best parents we could be. The interesting thing is that everything she accuses us, especially me, is everything she does and is. The most difficult thing is that her son, age 12 is our only grandchild and we love him dearly, but her behavior is making it difficult to have a relationship with him.
So sorry for everyone in this situation. I know what it is like, the disappointment, the pain and the loss. I have read much on this topic but the best advice I received is SAVE YOURSELF.
Thank you so much it’s the worst. I’ve been estranged from my youngest child, with no contact for over a year. She is 37. I’ve tried so hard for so long, and it’s never ever enough. The last straw came when she attacked me in front of my grandchildren and her bf, physically shoving me out if my own home. I almost fell, was 56 at the time, I’m still suffering the physical damage, let alone the emotional trauma,,, thank you for sharing your knowledge!!!.