How to talk on the phone to someone with dementia?
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- Опубликовано: 8 фев 2025
- Welcome to the place where I share dementia tips, strategies, and information for family members caring for a loved one with any type of dementia (such as Alzheimer's disease, Lewy Body dementia, vascular dementia, frontotemporal dementia, etc.)
Today’s video is about how to have enjoyable phone conversations with your loved one with dementia. During the COVID-19 pandemic, many of you are calling your loved ones because you can’t visit them as often as you would like. To avoid the feeling of groundhog day with your phone calls, I share some mindset tips to help as well as specific things you can do and say to your loved one when you are on the phone. I hope it helps.
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In case you haven’t met me, my name is Natali Edmonds and I am a board certified geropsychologist. That means that I am a clinical psychologist who specializes in working with older adults. One day, while hiking a trail, I came up with the idea for Careblazers and I decided to see if posting videos online could provide help to the many other Careblazers in the world who don’t get to have help come directly to them in their homes. I hope that this work helps you in some way on your caregiving journey.
#careblazer #dementia #dementiacare
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Because of this video, I just had the best conversation with my mom I’ve had in a long time!! I asked her about the car she bought just after high school. I had to remind her of it, but we talked about where she went and who was with her. It was so much fun and I told her so! She told me that she had fun talking too! Thank you! ❤️
This is the highlight of my entire week! Thank you so much for sharing, Julie. I wish you and your mom plenty more enjoyable conversations.
I played the guessing game with my mother who lives in assisted living. She loved it and was very good at guessing the objects I was describing. She in fact "beat" me in the game and was very proud of herself. Hearing her laugh again was amazing! Thank you!
PRICELESS !! Frank👌
Well done 🤗💙.
Sharing the phone call over speaker phone is an excellent idea....more like the entire family visiting mom.
My mom is in her upper 90s and has Alzheimer's. Talking over the phone to her is easy since conversation is a loop of topics...weather, how were doing, meals, weather, how were doing, meals.... Knowing that she may someday not recognize me, I enjoy talking to her in loops.
I don't ask questions that she may have difficulty remembering...like "What did you have for breakfast?" instead I will tell her what I had for breakfast and she typically talks about what she likes for breakfast. QUESTIONS FRUSTRATE HER....because she can not remember...especially short-term memory questions.
One consideration is sometimes mom gives me a clue that she wants a very short conversation...she may HAS TO GO TO THE BATHROOM! so I am sensitive to and respect that clue and call her later.
Also she seems more receptive to longer loop conversations in mid-morning and that is when I phone her. Timing seems to be important.
People who can call their loved one twice a day should be thankful that it’s possible. My loved one doesn’t have a phone as he was unable to use it when still at home. I was visiting almost daily until the lockdown, now I’m lucky if I am able to book two short calls/week.
Mom, 89, is in assisted living and has vascular dementia. She calls me usually 20-30 times a day and exceeded 40 calls on several days recently. I work so this can be more than challenging. She will make back-to-back-to-back calls over and over, never remembering that we had just talked. All the calls are the same conversation with her asking the same loop questions over and over. It’s difficult to end the conversation and get her off the phone as she always says that she has just one more question. Afternoons and evenings are the worst. Her ST memory is gone as is much of her long term. I often get really frustrated and tired of the calls but know that she doesn’t know what she is doing, despite me discussing it with her (and her denying calling me) on several occasions.
I spent a lot of my PhD studies learning about dementia and this video is by far one of the most helpful out there on this topic!
My 94 year old mom is in an assisted living facility. We have had phone calls 3 times a day since early March. The phone is our life line. She sometimes struggles with dialing and holding the phone right side up. She also thinks I am with her instead of on the phone. Usually I just go with it and say what a nice visit we are having. She loves talking about her youth and still has pretty detailed memories of her childhood. I am really enjoying those stories. We usually hang up with both of us in a good mood.
Thank you, some very useful tips. My mum is quite deaf so phone calls can be difficult but your comments have made me look at the phone calls from mum’s perspective. I will also use these ideas when I get to see her again. When I do do lockdown visits through a Perspex screen I have found loading old photos on to my laptop is an excellent way to get mum talking and the hour we are allowed goes by very quickly and she thoroughly enjoys these visits.
My mom doesn't really remember her career as a teacher, or early childhood memories. A phone call is never a two way communication. She addresses me as "daddy" and just repeats "daddy, I want you to come. I want you to come get me." She just keeps talking while you are trying to engage her or ask her questions. One really great CMA helps us by using her personal phone for Facebook video chats. This works marginally better, but she doesn't seem to understand that we are live on the other end of the video. She will talk as though she is sending a recorded message. We went over to the nursing home and stood outside the window twice while talking on the phone. That seemed to confuse her more than anything. She just kept saying "I can't hear your." She doesn't really have any issues hearing. We have come to understand that this is her way of saying: I can't process your words. If you ask her quietly what her name is, she will respond: I know my name! That tells us she can hear, but doesn't understand. Before the COVID lockdown, our visits were more just being present with her than real exchanges. There is no way to really do that now.
Dr. Edmonds your videos have been so helpfull. Would you consider making a video about the transition from home care to assisted care home. A video for the caretakers. My first weeks was so hard after l had to put mom in a Geriatric care facility. Thank you for all your work.🙏🏻
Dr Natalie thank you for your time and for your video stay safe , we have to understand that the phone conversation is not going to be always productive or pleasant with our LO we just have to understand that we are dealing with this disease, patience and prayers to everyone
My mom makes the comment that she is so glad that my sister and I call each day. With us staying home as well, I think the idea of us all being in the same boat is helpful to her. Each call has us reiterating what each family member is up to. She is so happy we stay in contact; and for the moment, we talk about why things are looking and feeling different in her environment- that it's all the same.
Thank you so much for your excellent advice. When I am at a loss, your videos give me direction.💓
Thank,you so much for your COUNTLESS videos covering dementia and more importantly the people who care for them.
I love all of your suggestions. Even though my mom is here at home with me it certainly helps to have advice on maintaining a positive conversation. I agree, it is so important for us to use positive re-framing or redirection when they become negative. Reminiscing and looking at old photo albums is one of our most favorite things, I love your idea to spark conversation about how to bake cookies or something that brings them joy and they would have stored in their long-term memory. I can see this snowballing into a wonderful time of reminiscing on the phone or in person. I can't love this enough. Thank you
I'm so happy there are some useful things to take away! I hope they lead to plenty more enjoyable and positive memories with your mom!
This is so funny that this is the topic today as I had a conversation with my son the other day and we were talking about the house I lived in until I was five and of course he didn’t remember it so he wanted to see a pic. Being as I don’t have one I told him we could go to Mom’s soon and look at hers. So when I called her later I told her about that conversation and began asking her questions about “ back then”. We talked for nearly an hour and the more I asked her questions the more excited she got. She was so happy that I called and said how much she enjoyed it. Each day since when I have called we talked about other things in her younger years that she did and she was so thrilled to recant her memories. Next time I go to visit I am going to get out a few pics and let her lead the conversation with whatever memories she has.
Natali, you always seem to be on point with your advice. Thanks so much for sharing and caring.
Stay well!
This makes my heart so happy to hear! Wishing you many more enjoyable phone calls with your mom in the future!
We have found Google Maps to be a great way to show our Mum places from the past on the rare occasions when we have been able to visit. She can see old homes and places of interest or that have meant a lot to her in the past. Hope this helps others.
I hope you can record or even video those conversations for the history that she remembers. I am the youngest child and while my older sisters remember and lived the experiences I didn't so don't know about them.
You are the loveliest most loving person who really understands both sides of this :.: all so helpful!! Thank you
Love these suggestions!!! My conversations with my mom have become so difficult. If there is a lag, she will start telling me how her heat doesn't work (she's turns it down when she leaves her apartment, then forgets to turn it back up when she returns) or gets stuck thinking she is moving or that she can't leave. These suggestions will help me move the conversation in a more positive direction for her! Thank you for your videos!
Great ideas.
I hope your next conversation with your mom is much more enjoyable!
Thank you for this video. I appreciate all the information and ideas that you share to help our loved ones.
Thank you for being here. As a therapist who has worked with the elderly, your info is spot on and easy to relate to! Xoxoxo
Thank you so much!
Love your passion for these people. Thank you for the suggestions on how to handle them, we really just need to be patient and understanding that these folks don't have it easy. Thanks!
Thank you for your additional ideas. I think your most important statement for me is - think of a topic - anything - other than the standard rehash of the day. I had not thought about going as far back as her wedding. Never have talked about that topic with my mother even before her dementia set in! I live 600 miles away; my brother and father (97) are in the same city as Ma’s (94) rehab. With the pandemic, we are all in the same communication boat - although they did get to see her at the doctor’s office a couple of weeks ago.
This was so helpful even for talking to my mom with Parkinson's in person. Thank you so much. You are an angel.
You are so welcome!
Thank you so much for all your videos!❤❤❤
My pleasure!
My mom's in an ILF and had more social interaction than I do 😅. After being accused of stealing random items, she told me I wasn't welcome back 😳. I was shook and am still trying to navigate my relationships with my family. Your communication suggestions were excellent!
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This video is so important! I have not yet experienced this in my life yet, but I know someday I will!
Thank you so much for this beautiful video , I will put it in practice with my mom
Your channel is phenomenal!!
Thanks so much for making content that is actually helpful🙏
Appreciate your presence and Ideas they have been helpfu in keeping both my mother and myself as positive as possible in these unprecedented times!
I appreciate you explaining this!
Thank you for sharing your information 👍ℹ️
Hello there. I'm a new student on a mental health awareness course, looking to get accredited and help others. I haven't experienced dementia much before, though I did have a friend with similar symptoms. Thanks for putting this video up, I'll be watching the others in order to get a real life understanding of the condition dementia. I don't think books alone can prepare me for what I need to learn, I want to understand it on a personal level. I think it's awful how many don't treat people with dementia as people...I want to get to know them, not just have them as cases or patients. I've had a lot of experiences with severe mental disorders, (worked in probation services in drug rehabilitation) but we did not receive any clients with typical dementia which wasn't caused by substance abuse. So I'm eager to learn more. Thanks for reading.
Incredible video! Thank you for all the tips!
Thank you so much. I was lost for awhile. You give me hope.
My mother has moderate mixed Alzheimer's, including Lewy Body, anxiety issues and issues with psychosis. She is in a really wonderful assisted living home but calls me at least every evening for about an hour. I happened upon some documentary videos about downtown Cleveland in the '40's, '50's and '60's on RUclips a little while ago. She worked downtown as an executive secretary as a young women. I shared what I'd learned on the videos over several nights and she loved it! I couldn't believe the things she remembered. Even particular intersections and the names of the buildings that are on them. She remembered restaurants and bus routes. After about three nights of these conversations she told me she loves talking to me more than anyone else because I always have something interesting to talk about about. I also tell her about interesting things I hear on the news I think she'll enjoy. For instance, a hippo at our local zoo had a baby recently. She loved talking about that and remembered when the hippo's older sibling was born. It took me some time but I'm getting better at engaging her. I have to ad, there are many nights when I tired and would welcome a night off from these phone calls. Even when I travel to see my daughter, son-in-law and little granddaughter, these calls occur. I'm grateful she's in a caring assisted living home and I'm grateful she's relatively well but sometimes it is overwhelming to never have a day off. My heart and thoughts go out to caregivers who have their loved ones in their home 24/7.
I'm so glad you found what works best for your loved one! 💖
HI itsmommy100, This is Trisha. Dr. Natali's social media manager. I'm sorry to hear about your situation;. Here is a RUclips video she made that I hope can help you with your situation. 💖
Thank you so much. Amazing advice!
Hi, I am new and exhausted. Thank you
Dr first of all thanks sooo much for your care,time and the pleasant and peaceful way you speak about all these concerns about dementia illness, just listening to yours suggestions make me feel so much better and relaxed. I have a question during this time that I can't go to see my mother because all the laws restrictions I haven't seen her since March and we were so closead I was taken care of her for 15 yrs until this last March,at the beginning she spoke to me for almost an hour now when I call she doesn't want to take the phone she said she already spoke to me or she doesn't feel like it even knowing it's me, so i don't insist because she gets very aggressive and that is something extremely bad for her and of course for caregivers at ALF. IS THERE ANY SUGGESTION YOU CAN GIVE? That's all I have left at least to hear her voice.
So sorry for such a long letter for give me please.
call her
Can you send her a letter or a card? Maybe send a picture of something she would remember? Wishing you the best. My dad was locked down in the nursing home so I could only see him through his window and try to talk to him on the phone. He couldn't hear or understand on the phone sometimes so it was frustrating.
This is very helpful. Thank you!! She would make me a Filipino dessert when I was pregnant (25 years ago) and I want to ask her how to make it. Thanks for the tips.
Thank you Dr so very insightful and helpful
Great information!
My mom thinks I have abandoned her because I don’t visit. I call to reassure her that I am here and love her. She gets very sad and upset when she hears my voice not understanding why I am not there. She had 24 hr care but calling is just not constructive. Tried Zoom but same issues.
Thank you so much!🥰 Lina from Germany. A real comfort and learning experience.
Thank you so much for Dr. Nat! I truly appreciate your help!!
Thank you so much this was very helpful
So helpful thank you so much!! ❤️
I don't want to be unprofessional, but you are really pretty 🦋👍
This topic is so important and not discussed enough. Thanks for sharing and explaining it so well! ❤
Great advice. But i have added problem my dad has lost a hearing aid in may. Unable to get new one due to covid restrictions. Its tough communicating.
Helpful. Thank you.
Thank you for the tips!
You rock!
You are the best
Glad it was helpful!
My Mom is in a nursing home.
I was able to talk to her today however she is unable to have a two way conversation.
She said Hi with some prompting then about 30 second later said “I have to hang up”.
Only upside is that she doesn’t remember that I haven’t visited
I am basically in the same boat as you. My mom really can't hold a conversation with anyone. She doesn't recognize anyone except my sister and i, and that is because we are there often. I'm really worried that being away so long she will not recognize us at all anymore.
Last winter, my dad was hospitalized for a UT infection. When I called him, he said, “I can’t talk, I’m at court.” (My dad was a lawyer.) I was pretty shocked, but managed to ask him, “where?”. “I’m at court and people are waiting to use the phone. We have to keep the line open in case the jury comes back.”
So helpful thank you!
My husband is incapable of following and answer
Ing the tips and questions in this video of helpful suggestions in talking to a loved one, with dementia.
My 93 year old mother has stage 4-5 Alzheimers and lives alone. If her phone rings, she rarely hears it because she refuses to wear hearing aids. If she does manage to answer, her conversation is excruciatingly limited because A) Mother has no idea who she is talking to B) Forgets what the conversation is about and C) cannot offer a sensible and relevant reply. Mother always asks you to repeat what you have just said, at every stage in the conversation. After a brief, irritating and senseless few minutes the need to continue has long since passed. Mother does not receive many phone calls as a result of this.
My brother was surprised to hear Dad wanted him to call more often. Upon hearing that, my brother said "obviously the calls are important to him", I did not think so because he never lets me say anything rushes through his dialog and hangs up. 🙂
Interesting video :)
This was very helpful...thank you. Do you have any suggestions regarding how to respond to your loved one when they are demanding for you to come and pick them up? Or saying that they can take care of themselves and they want to go home?
My mom's been doing this since we admitted her to memory care a few days ago. She keeps saying she wants assisted living, that the folks here are not as "capable/competent, etc" as she is. I simply tell her, Mom, we needed help caring for you and we couldn't do it alone anymore. The people there are joining us in caring for you. They're not replacing us. She's still mad, but you have to be confident and at peace in your own mind that you know what's best and that you love them enough to seek that out. Prayers for peace for you and your loved one.
Suggestions start 7:21. Reminiscing (what was your first car, etc.); 8:31 Games (topic bingo, essentially, et al.); 10:26 Activities (get them to teach you something). Also from the National Institute of Aging hotline for 60+ who just want to talk to someone 800 971 0016.
Thank youl:)
What do you do when they're mean and won't let you care for them; like change them when they've had an accident in bed. Or when they lie and think you're out to get them, and they fight you when all you're doing is trying to take care of them?
Hey doc. What do you do? How does one handle a LOWD who is so gone that the only thing which gives them pleasure is vicious digs at everything and everyone? Digs/comments so bad that each day more and more family members wash their hands of even calling to speak with them
That’s a good question! I was thinking about that earlier🧐
My dad would be mad about something when I got there to see him or he would get mad about something I said and just pout. I would just tell him that I had come to see him because I wanted to visit him but that if he was not going to visit i would just go visit others in the home and get up and walk away. He would sometimes start to talk but I would leave for a time and then go back to see if he wanted to visit then. If he didn't then I would go away to visit again and try later. Sometimes he wouldn't visit so i would just go away again or tell him i was going home if he didn't want to visit and I would then go home. I would give him several opportunities to change his attitude but would tell him before if I was going home. He was cognizant so it was just sometimes he didn't want to visit. I tried to not let it get to me but it did. He would usually at least say goodbye but not always.
When it’s possible when your loved one receive a phone call, turn off any background noise off, ie. TV, Radio. Should another caregiver be present when I call, they should be aware and turn off the background noise too.
YES! Thank you for sharing. Those tips are so helpful and it's easy to forget the basics. When it come to dementia, those distractions can make a HUGE difference between a pleasant and a frustrating phone call.
@@DementiaCareblazers yes, this is so important. I can hear that someone is taking but I can't understand what they are saying if there is background noise.
My sister is mild to moderate and declining faster than expected. Without going into the whole story, her youngest daughter was very angry with me last night. My sister woke up today with a smile on her face and a song in her heart. So she called her daughters this morning. When she called the youngest, she(the daughter) started right away yelling about me and so loud I could hear her. I was not even in the same room. My sis's mood went down. Was that because of the yelling and cursing her daughter was doing? Is it a good idea to say something about the way she talks to her mother, no matter who it's about?
My 93 year old mother no longer receives phone calls due to her advanced memory loss. As previously stated, she has little or no idea of who the caller is and conversation is excruciating. My son- who she spent his early school years with after my dad died 31 years ago- sometimes calls from California where he now lives. Mother had no idea of his name and referred to my son as" him from America". This is why we do not phone her because we have no expectations whatsoever of a sensible conversation.
Trying to figure out how to talk in person with them at the nursing home and doesn’t like it
My mother is 92, lives on her own and has stage 4 Alzheimer's. I cannot speak to her civilly and respectfully, let alone, have a phone call conversation with her. Mother is stubborn, deluded, deaf, repetitive and has no awareness of day, time , year month or season. What is the point of trying to talk over the phone when she can't hear, understand, remember or even reply to the conversation?
How does she live on her own with stage 4 alzheimers?
@@mE-zx7pt mother just keeps up her stubborn denial and ferocious pride, and ignores all advice offered. Simple.
Help please. I have been calling my Mom for 4 days every hour and no answer. The nursing home tells me she’s fine and don’t offer to connect us. I beyond frustrated. I dropped ice cream and notes. What do I do. I don’t want my momto think I am not calling and abandoned her. This place is OF NO HELP. THEY SAY THEIR TOO BUSY TO DO IT AND SHES BEING WELL CARED FOR. THAT IS NOT IN ANYWAY REMOTELY HOW OR WHAT IA AKS. I KNOW THAT IW ANTTO TALK TO HER. SHE COULD BE DEAD FOR ALL I KNOW. MY 3 other siblings don’t do a thing and she’s always relied on me. Help
The friendship line's website just talks about Friendship line in California. Can anyone from any state call that number?
My mum has stopped answering the phone - any suggestions?
what do you do when your LO does not want to talk to you? My mother thinks I am a lier and a thief and does not want to talk to me - I live in another country so it makes it more difficult
i dont know if its too late 4 a question but i got 1. my lowd lately has been angry that no one will come see her---u cant say we arent allowed she comes back with "but im not sicku arent sick so and so isnt sick u can come see me" then she gets mad that no one will take her out (again not allowed) tho i know the rules i get so sad seeing my loved one so upset. How do i make her less angry and maybe myself less guilty
Once again it is time to provide your LO with a little bit of hope. Just agree that you too want to come see her and that you hope that you will be able to come see her soon. Let's be patient and wait for that happy day.
Great advice and I am totally absorbing these techniques. Only thing is, it takes a while to get to the point since there are many ways ways to get the point across. 7 minutes into the video the points were coming in. Please keep up the good advice, but less fluff. 😞
What about when their dementia is really bad & they can’t interact much?
Wendy Gillard Tell them you love them.
All 3
My mom who’s in memory care calls several times a day begging me to come get her and bring her back home. It breaks my heart that she’s so unhappy there. She also has macular degeneration and is blind. I can’t think of any activities that might help take her mind off being there. Any ideas?
Hi, I was really hoping for some advice when I clicked on this video. After all it is titled "How to talk on the phone to someone with dimensia ". It is not helpful at all. Ny Mam is 3000 miles away and is 78, living with my 80 year old dad .I call my lovely mother and Dad every Sunday .It is very difficult to have a conversation with her, I have no problem answering the same questions over and over again, I love her. Your video is very misleading.
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This speech is made on assumptions that people with dementia are in a very comfortable middle class: 1) wedding day; 2) vacation ; 3) car
What if a person with dementia is extremely poor, destitute, never married no car?
choose topics they can relate to- no matter what class. What are their foods, their family, how they like to spend time, etc.
@@DementiaCareblazers This is very broad advice that can be done by anyone to anyone.
Food bank on regular basis. No family whatsoever!
then what?
Video starts at 2:55 otherwise before that is blah blah blah.
You don't 🥺
Looks to me you have very little ( if any) experience with poor people ( but really , really poor)
your intro is too long