My parents did this, make me feel unworthy or undeserving of love. I just want to be a kid again and experince love, and not this cold world of adulthood.
My mother told me repeatedly as a child that she wished I had died at birth, that she wished I was born dead, that she should've strangled me to death at birth, and that why don't I die, and that ever since I was born everything has been going wrong for the family. She was also physically abusive well into my teens. I ran away at 17. Now in my 40s I still believe deep down I am unwanted wherever I am and I keep myself to myself. I've been told by tutors/lecturers that I'm talented but I can never connect with people in any meaningful way.
@@katwatkins7567 yes, you can do it. Reprogram your mind, read, wstch lots of videos, get therapu...It is possible. It is a long path, but its like trainning for a Marathon: you cannot give up!!!!
Holy shit in all the videos I have ever watched in dealing with codependency, fear of rejection, being an Empath ect. Your video + you just hit me hard and made perfect sense. Thank you so much! So much!
Scary though to think if you start enjoying and or wanting/craving “Real Love” than they will probably get annoyed with you or use it against you and that always makes me feel the need to act like I don’t want it when inside I actually feel like a drug feign for it.
@@jaimedilnik i totally get it!!! Now i get it! Why we behave in that way..i think that was just our survival mechanism, you know you already realize your pattern right? But its still s like auto from your body still craving love, there s something missing..can you tell me about your childhood?
Yep. Look at "systems psychology." The symptom is not the sickness the whole system (family) is sick, but one person who shows symptoms is seen as the problem.
Childhood trauma wounds have been opened lately and I've been breaking down, and this video just appeared on my timeline at the right moment!! #synchronicity
Thankful that I found you. I'm struggling so much with this. At 42 years old, it's just now been hitting me the past year or so that this is where a whole lot of my issues stem from. I've been catching myself looking at little kids holding the hand of a parent with love in their eyes and a sincere smile on their face, so happy to be spending that time together - kids who are well taken care of and who are the center of their parents' lives and attention - and think, "...but they're not even that cute. Why do they get loved and I didn't?" And I realize just how messed up that is. So, now that I've watched this, I'm sitting here crying my eyes out and I hope this is a good start to some real healing. Thank you.
I've been having the same exp over the last few months after the end of another in a string of relationships with narcissists. I feel I've wasted the best years of my adult dating life not even realizing I had these issues. Better late than never I suppose. I encourage you to keep looking inward. Keep digging and talk to someone who knows about this stuff. From everything I've read and watched. This can be corrected. Best of luck and god bless.
@@kirkworthley3221 There is no better place or time than right here and now. You are only here and now and you are starting to attract more of who you really are now. Don't beat down upon yourself for not doing this earlier. You are who you are right now and that is okay. If you could have done something earlier, you would have. You have all the time you need. Everything will come at the right time. Trust the plan, which is ingrained in Live.
This is very helpful. Thank you. My mom was VERY cold and unaffectionate to me in my childhood but very warm and affectionate to my brother. She allowed me to be molested by a friend of hers for money. It caused an unbelievable amount of pain that I've carried for do long. Thank you.
I love your videos ! I was married to a malicious narcissist and I mean malicious ... God took the veil off my eyes and I'm in a journey of healing my broken inner child.
I watched this with my intellect turned on and at one point I just felt the urge to cry and I did. You are saying really powerful stuff here that seems like "simple" or obvious to most people, but for those who really did not get love in a traditional way this is deeper than the ocean. Thank you.
2020 really made me realize how much childhood wounds needed to be looked at. It all came to the surface. Still trying to cope with it. Healing is a journey. I had so many issues with abusive partners and even close friendships. I would literally do everything if I could erase all the suffering and pain from my DNA to finally live a normal life with healthy, peaceful and loving relationships. Now at least one good thing came out of this hardship: I have gained a strong relationship to god, knowing that he unconditionally loves me even if people might not. That's been a life saviour for me, otherwise I would have given up on all the disappointments. So I am really grateful for faith in god and spiritual connection. I still struggle to trust others because of past experiences and am on the way to rebuild myself up from depression. Never learned to set boundaries because I grew up in an abusive household. 2020 was a year of loss for me in all areas, all that really was left was me praying to god to help me in my darkest night of the soul where I just wanted to die and still consider death to be more peaceful than to be alive...but that's just me questioning the meaning of life. After I figured out, I have to reparent myself and find love and strength in myself I think to myself: Well, what's the point in having friendships or relationships anyway? Everyone will sooner or later disappoint you somehow or do what they want to do. That really brought me down to only love god and stop getting emotionally attached to others since they are not a permanent factor I can rely on. I grew up in a really toxic environment with a single mother. My father was not respectful to her, he was rarely there for me nor seemed to be interested in me. When I was 7 years old he died in a gun shooting. Though I always told everyone he had a motorcross accident because I was so ashamed of a father who hang out with criminals and even was once in prison. After the death of my father, my mother was depressed and I as a seven year old girl feld obliged to be strong for her. I was sad and angry at the same time for her because she was so sad about his death and the loss of the father of her child but even me as a seven year old girl thougt: Well, thank the lord we're finally free from that agressive abusive man who forced me to eat up the plate and shouted at me and even had beaten me... So really I am asking myself after all this crazy shit and many many sad relationships with men...should I ever try again to finally find a male partner with whom I can have family and live a normal life or should I go to monastery...since all this abuse has even left scars on my body physically, emotionally and energetically...I feel so wrecked and sad...I have no friends and even a toxic relationship with my mother. What helps me: watching self healing videos on youtube, studiying astology and my birth chart to understand my path here on this earth, crying, listening to music, taking a long warm shower, talking to god and my guardian angels and praying praying praying. And yes I allow myself to grief and self pity. I am my best friend now since the outer world was harsh as fuck to me since I was born, I gues I must have been an asshole as evil as hitler in my last life for all this bad karma...^^ I still feel so lost and sad and so afraid to ever trust again because before 2020 I didn't even realize how wrong everything was going in my life. I was literally just functioning like a robot, wanting to please everybody, working in jobs that I hated, not knowing who I was at all. I was doing a lot Yoga and Meditation but all that could not heal the deep black hole in my heart. Now, that I found my "new" father in god, I finally have a father who is caring from above and I can talk to him and pray to him and know he won't hurt or abuse me but in fact cares for me as his child and loves me. So my human father abandoned me and left a huge scar but my heavenly father loves me and I think that's more powerful. So enough self pity but please understand that writing this out is therapeutic for me. For anyone who has gone through the same hell, please leave a thumps up. Much love to you, much love to all of us and everyone who is still healing from hardship in their life. You are not alone. All the best to you who is reading this. Darkness brings medicine. I know how hell looks like, been there and I totally have compassion for people comitting suicide. Some burdens are just too painfull and it takes a lot faith and immense strength to come out of hell all by yourself. So thank the lord I am a fucking strong woman because I am still here alive and breathing. Do you know a fun fact? In the yoga community everything is about being selfless and care for others but due to the fact that I was carriying huge shit from my childhood I found I so hard to really be selfless. I was trying to fill my empty cup and literally had nothing to give. So it took me soooo long to truly understand what selflove means. You can not give to others if your own cup is empty as fuck and your are thirsty of love...So that's why I felt so much guilt even to not be a good person because I demanded so much time for my own sitting alone with my hurting heart... So there comes a time when everything just adds up and makes sense...This time for me is now and I am grateful for this :) For those who are curios: I have chiron in lion, pluto in scorpio, saturn in aquarius and north node in capricorn.
I’ve always been aware that my unloved feelings and perfectionism came about through my parents but it’s conquering these feelings I’ve struggled to find the answer to.
I did anything and everything for love. I became a chameleon to get love . I am so empty inside . I have been hurt and am hurting others . I am glad you mentioned that we were parented and now I have parented the way I was. Now that I am awakened I am trying to change so much and my children hate me . They are only loving me with conditions . I was never enough as a child now I still am not enough as an adult . I raised my kids as a single parent and I wish I knew what I’m learning today back when my children were younger . I tried to be the PERFECT parent and give my kids love but I’m sure I screwed up and I just want to be Enough!!! Namaste
She is sooo kind. Even if i am watching you virtually, I can feel the positive energies, the energy of understanding me, the energy of acceptance, love, real care. That's awesome. God bless you❤
Thank god my dad said I was a fearless child, cuz when I was 5 I knew it was cuz of them not me, creating that fear of survival wound, knowing nothing was about me I still wasn’t getting my needs met.
I usually dont comment on videos but I just have to say I'm glad I found your channel. I'm going through all of this right now. It has helped realize that I have all these issues. And I'm actually admitting it to myself and working towards a better life and better relationships
I just want to say thank you. I know what this isn’t the biggest RUclips Chanel and maybe you won’t go viral for entertainment or whatever but you’re seriously helping people. We came here to be healed and you’re helping us heal. I appreciate you taking your knowledge and wisdom and sharing it with us ! Some of this stuff is more useful than the 10 years of therapy I’ve had
The realization that I was not lovable at a young age began the self loathing that remains deep inside today. It seems that even intellectually understanding that it wasn't my fault doesn't change that at all.
That's right. The intellectual understanding DOES NOT HEAL THIS. It has to be done through inner child work. You may want to check out doing some coaching with me to get you started. Everything is on my website if interested. www.candacevandell.com/work-with-me/
It is sad that children have to go thru this I have 3 Daughters and i feel like I love them more then myself and would give up anything and everything for them. I know this video was for the children but I think you might help more of the children if the parents would see what you have to say. Cheers
i am just somewhat guessing here, but i suspect that any parent who may be displaying truly narcissistic behaviors or any harmful behavior for that matter, would probably not be very likely to be the one searching for any help or understanding about their harmful behaviors. ;)
This was so enlightening, and really articulated perfectly what has been my life experience. As I move forward, I realize that I need to teach people how to treat me and establish boundaries for protection. I am finally breathing comfortably. I am growing comfortable in my own skin. I am enjoying life and it’s an amazing ride. One that I create and love. Thank you, Candace! Information so on point!
Narcissists are dangerous and toxic .... I urg y'all please stay awy these toxic vicious and malicious people ...yall gotta run 🏃 for y'all lives indeed !!!!!
By the way !! There's no point blaming the narcist as they will find change near impossible. How can a narc change themselves , when they believe they are perfect. They are trapped in their illussions of perfection and suppressed emotions ( defense mechanism for their survival ) and there for deserve our compassion . As for us we need to stop creating phantom bonds with unsuitable partners. In fact learn to recognize what a secure bond is in a healthy relationship. Nameste 😊🙏
George V. It’s true. My dad is still the same narc he was 30 years ago. They think everyone else is to blame for their actions. I haven’t spoken to my dad in 2 years and never will. Wish them the best, try to forgive and move on. 💜
I was spoiled,by my parents still am,but I was bullied by people,but I now really treat myself like a friend cuz all that bullying made me love myself more&my parents are the best for supporting me,its others,just a few..but I'm well able to handle people now,luv your motivating videos.
I've recognized the symptoms for years and years....knowing how to learn to love correctly is the most difficult challenge of my life. I still feel worthless.....
I came across your videos trying to heal from narcsssist abuse relationship and realizing my family are narcissist. Thank you for the first time in my life I feel like I can heal and now I know how to heal.. I can’t explain what you have done and I’m thankfully I trusted my intuition and my self and found your channel
This was one of the most beautiful and simplified to the core, explanations that I've received. Although it confirms my "co-dependency issues", at least now I can continue healing those parts of me and get back to Iove.. "REAL LOVE"....❤️💞🙏🏼✨💎🌈 Thank you for taking your time to make things "make sense" for so many of us that just can't seem to, "get it!" All my love...
@@CandacevanDell Candace can you do a series from this video on what those real love relationships look like from family members to friendships and relationships with significant others? Can you break down the stages of what it'd look like to put your recommendations in this video into practice? I think you really reached a lot of people with this video...thank you.
Good to know 🙏🏻. I received a lot of “I love you” lots of cuddles and kisses.. yet I always felt it was conditional. Working on my inner children right now that I have neglected so badly has been amazing.
What I've discovered is that you don't actually need to have been unloved to experience/ feel that you were unloved. It just means that your parents were not able to give you love in a way that you could feel as loved. This is true for example in cases of the middle child, of if your parents just didn't give you love that you could feel as love.
I rejected their perception of me even as a little child even still. I knew of God's love and my worth. I think my strong independence has been a defense mechanism to shield me from unhealthy dysfunctional people ~ a huge grace I continue to receive 66 years later. Such a shame though and a waste of them not receiving the gift I am.
Candace, when you said "why you weren't loved". It shocked me because I never thougjt I had a choice to be loved or not be loved by my parents. I was never told those three words from either of them. I feel sorry for them. No excuses because I feel angry about that. How selfish and I don't care if they were wounded. Hope they were.
Candice , I have to Thankyou for this video , it spoke to my heart , and I finally understand what has happened to me , and why I at 67 I still didn’t get my needs met , because I keep going for the same love I had at first , Thankyou for making it easy to understand ,it’s never to late to learn , I need to be at peace with myself !you really helped me today to have a ah ha moment or a lightbulb moment! Your work is helping Thankyou !
Could you do another video looking deeper at this whole subject? My depression and insecurities have been hitting hard these days, I would be really thankful if you could give us a bigger outlook on this whole topic and how to overcome these wounds, since it's something kind of embarrasing to talk about with friends or family. I think no one would really understand, and it feels like you have been throught the same thing or something similar. Anyway, thank you so much for your knowledge, every word you said really got to my heart. Love
Great video Candace. You really make me understand myself so much more. My parents had a bad marriage and as a result I was ignored and abused and felt unloved. So now I realize it wasn't my fault. Thank you so much!
Omg I came here to understand a man i care about but instead realize this is me, completely. I have been aware i look for love externally because i never felt it from my family. I married a man who loves conditionally and after 20 plus years, im leaving in a month. I still question it because change is hard and i dont want to tear up my family but my kids know we are unhappy and i want something more. Yes, ive been on a journey to love myself, most grateful for this growth period. Ive not been emotionally connected to him over 10 or more years and his hard drinking pushed me away as well. What happened is i started a friendship online 1.5 years ago, platonic on a likeminded thread with other ppl but realized 6 months ago, ive developed feelings for him. I am learning unconditional love and couldn't be happier. We are taking it slow, i have no idea where this is going but i am more satisfied inside myself by showing up, taking care of me. Thank you for this video
What a beautiful spirit and person you are. Its a pleasure to watch your insights and perspectives. We are all survivors, and help from souls like yours helps many, many people. God bless you, Candace
It’s so Strange Maybe it’s because im on the right path that i just feel pure Love for you and myself. I feel you Energy. You are so beautiful and im not jealous. I just feel love and peace. Thanks for doing what you do 🙏🏽
Wonderful words ,to the point and from the heart. It might be a year later since the video was posted. But for me its relevant right now. I am at the re -programming stage and I feel like a fish out of water. All part of ones awakening .🥴😊🙏
Also you can become hyper independent and avoid relationships. This is the flipside of codependence and you can still display traits of codependency while living out this pattern.
What if you‘ve already understood all that on your own, you already started many years ago to change your old wrong patterns, you already made a big effort (because it’s about a really big effort ) to meet different people, actually you succeeded in doing this , and your past, like a “mafia” doesn’t let you go, doesn’t want you to be happy, doesn’t want to recognise their wrong patterns and accept their responsibilities in failing their relationship with you? I mean I know that I met wrong people because I “felt “ wrong...but the more I fight hard to change my life the more those people try to push me back in my old patterns, because for them it’s more convenient to have me like that....At the beginning I thought that my life was up to me...but the more I live the more I realise that our past choices affect our present and future. It’s very hard to find the courage to really find a way out to all this. And that upsets me...
I really hear you!!!! some people wont want you to change because it will actually highlight them as the issue. It forces them to take responsibility and a lot of people will fight against that. You are the easy target because you are self aware and sensitive (I am guessing). I encourage you to check our your "boundaries" around such people. You can let them go if they don't let you flow XO
It’s very hard to face the fact that sometimes our family won’t ever be supportive of our change. It holds a mirror for them which makes them very uncomfortable and they will do almost anything to keep homeostasis. You can find different ways to coexist or distance yourself and still keep your boundaries and your authenticity. It’s very painful and, as you’ve said, takes a lot of courage. Being ourselves is worth it.
Most of our parents did the best they could, if they did not love and support us it is only because they are struggling with their own issues and just didn't have any encouragement or support to offer, it is especially hard for mothers who married a selfish partner.
This really caught my attention…….wow. Thanks for your sharing. I relate so well. I’m glad no matter how old your videos are they’re available. Thank you again.
Very true! That's my real problem Now .... miss Candance !! If you would , please make another Video on how to over come this Feelings and ty, God bless you!
Candace, you spoke the exact words of the psychological and energetic roadmap that I have been experiencing on my journey. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
Discover how you are not loving yourself and address your issues as you discover them to be; learn to give love in accordance to your personal pattern; insist of receiving love from close friends and associates that affirms and uplifts you. (If your friends or partner are not able to naturally provide the right love for you innately so, it is time to love and leave them. With time your batting average for making wholesome connections with other good individuals will improve.) Work on these issues and your life will eventually start becoming better and better. Be blessed...
Candace, I just want you to tell you that this is the most powerful relatable video I've probably watched! This is what I grow through and I've always wondered about my patterns, why I attract certain men and friends, why I blame myself, was it my fault, the list goes on. And I've been reading, writing, and taking therapy and just learning more and more. I've gotten to a point where I no longer allow the same kind of men in my life, at least not to stay around if I notice similar patterns or familiar feelings. I've been working on myself. I just wanna thank you because this is absolutely amazing! Thank you thank you thank you! If you by any chance, have a book on this, pls let me know. I have been reading abandonment books. I want to find the inner child books. Thank you again. This hit me. ❤
For parents who adopt, need to make sure they are not more in love with the idea of having a child. Because when they find out parenting is not what they expected , they dont take it out on the child. Its easier not to show affection to a child thats not yours
EveryDayStoner420 :All-Rights-Reserved. That’s a very important topic. Many people are in love with the idea of having a child, you are right. The realities of parenting are not something many people talk about.
I just found this..wow and Thank you Jesus!..something has totally lifted up from me after listening..i have felt heard..validated..understood and hopefully on my way to healing 🙏
The Law of Attraction never ceases to amaze me! I was talking to my mother about this today and I forgave her because she is wounded herself. I'm 33 and I have been with a lot of amazing women of all different shapes and sizes every single one of them love me very deeply I would always sabotage the relationships without even realizing what I was doing,then i found a woman that was not up to my normal standards,but she's the one i ened up having 2 beautiful kids with. but she is cold and does not know what love is herself just like my mom. this is a very interesting topic I'm very big into psychology, I understand the reasons but it's still very fascinating .. I'm also a perfectionist,im now awake and I look at these experiences as learning experiences,and now im (ready) for love.I know i will find her or she will find me. just waiting to receive my queen!😉✌GREAT VID BTW!!
That's so crazy just the other day I was thinking this!! I have been doing my own inner "kid" work (I like that term lol) and I had thought, well, a person will not usually be called to take responsibility for their damaged psyche until mid 20s or later. Mainly because as a child you do not know any better and are taking in everything and once you are pubescent age, your soul fully immerses itself into the body and there is WAY too much shit going on in that teens head and emotions to think about, why am I feeling this way? Then there is school, college etc you dont even know what a bad habit is until you are older and still may not even have time set aside to deal with this stuff until you wonder why you keep failing. I like you I think you have some great insights for people working through this stuff. There are some very serious cases out there and I pray every single one of them finds relief and healing. Some of your viewers may also be interested in doing the Sri Lalitha Sahasranamam. Not for the lazy thats for sure but it is the most powerful thing I have EVER experienced to heal old wounds. I am a devotee of Sri Mata Amritananamayi Devi, also known as Amma, and when I cannot see Her I chant this everyday now and I cannot believe the healing power is insane. May all your viewer find the Peace and Healing they need. Below is a sing along link. Namaste ruclips.net/video/XwZFoTrES78/видео.html
8:58 - Nobody is awesome. No one is worthy of unconditional love. Unconditional love is mythical. That's not what I'm asking for. I just want to be with someone who thinks I'm worthy of their attention/affection.
My parents did this, make me feel unworthy or undeserving of love. I just want to be a kid again and experince love, and not this cold world of adulthood.
surround yourself with people who make you feel loved
@@Saint2CB I don't have any here. I am an expat in Kuwait.
My mother told me repeatedly as a child that she wished I had died at birth, that she wished I was born dead, that she should've strangled me to death at birth, and that why don't I die, and that ever since I was born everything has been going wrong for the family. She was also physically abusive well into my teens. I ran away at 17. Now in my 40s I still believe deep down I am unwanted wherever I am and I keep myself to myself. I've been told by tutors/lecturers that I'm talented but I can never connect with people in any meaningful way.
@@katwatkins7567 I am so sorry Katie, that sounds awful. I hope u try eft tapping to change. I am sure u can do something for urself.
@@katwatkins7567 yes, you can do it. Reprogram your mind, read, wstch lots of videos, get therapu...It is possible. It is a long path, but its like trainning for a Marathon: you cannot give up!!!!
We weren't only thinking "there is something wrong with me", our parents often told us so.
Kasia Krychowska yes that’s the point. To realize that your parents opinion was not accurate :-)
or they killed themselves because of us before giving any memory of them.....
Hypercritical parents whom are totally conditional & self assholes.
My parents are resentful and evil.
There's a special place in Hell for them.
Verbal abuse, physical abuse, spiritual abuse, financial abuse, sexual abuse & NEGLECT!
Yeah, they're cluster B Abusers.
Holy shit in all the videos I have ever watched in dealing with codependency, fear of rejection, being an Empath ect. Your video + you just hit me hard and made perfect sense. Thank you so much! So much!
Scary though to think if you start enjoying and or wanting/craving “Real Love” than they will probably get annoyed with you or use it against you and that always makes me feel the need to act like I don’t want it when inside I actually feel like a drug feign for it.
@@jaimedilnik i totally get it!!! Now i get it! Why we behave in that way..i think that was just our survival mechanism, you know you already realize your pattern right? But its still s like auto from your body still craving love, there s something missing..can you tell me about your childhood?
It's also called the "black sheep" or the "scapegoat". John Bradshaw said that all family dynamics have the "shared focus" & the "shared denial".
Yep. Look at "systems psychology." The symptom is not the sickness the whole system (family) is sick, but one person who shows symptoms is seen as the problem.
Childhood trauma wounds have been opened lately and I've been breaking down, and this video just appeared on my timeline at the right moment!! #synchronicity
Oh I'm so glad. I find that many of us operate on the same frequency. ;-)
Emna, can I ask you - what's your process of healing and how do you go about it?
I’m hurting so much .
@@CandacevanDell fuck you. Useless video u piece of shit
Thankful that I found you. I'm struggling so much with this. At 42 years old, it's just now been hitting me the past year or so that this is where a whole lot of my issues stem from. I've been catching myself looking at little kids holding the hand of a parent with love in their eyes and a sincere smile on their face, so happy to be spending that time together - kids who are well taken care of and who are the center of their parents' lives and attention - and think, "...but they're not even that cute. Why do they get loved and I didn't?" And I realize just how messed up that is. So, now that I've watched this, I'm sitting here crying my eyes out and I hope this is a good start to some real healing. Thank you.
I've been having the same exp over the last few months after the end of another in a string of relationships with narcissists. I feel I've wasted the best years of my adult dating life not even realizing I had these issues. Better late than never I suppose. I encourage you to keep looking inward. Keep digging and talk to someone who knows about this stuff. From everything I've read and watched. This can be corrected. Best of luck and god bless.
@@kirkworthley3221 There is no better place or time than right here and now.
You are only here and now and you are starting to attract more of who you really are now.
Don't beat down upon yourself for not doing this earlier. You are who you are right now and that is okay. If you could have done something earlier, you would have. You have all the time you need.
Everything will come at the right time. Trust the plan, which is ingrained in Live.
@@JorisVDC p
A year on I hope you are healing
Sad but true same here :(
This is very helpful. Thank you. My mom was VERY cold and unaffectionate to me in my childhood but very warm and affectionate to my brother. She allowed me to be molested by a friend of hers for money. It caused an unbelievable amount of pain that I've carried for do long. Thank you.
"so
I love your videos ! I was married to a malicious narcissist and I mean malicious ... God took the veil off my eyes and I'm in a journey of healing my broken inner child.
I hope you are ok Miss!!!! Malicious we hear you!!! I wish you all the best on recovery ok .... Bless be with you ...
I watched this with my intellect turned on and at one point I just felt the urge to cry and I did. You are saying really powerful stuff here that seems like "simple" or obvious to most people, but for those who really did not get love in a traditional way this is deeper than the ocean. Thank you.
2020 really made me realize how much childhood wounds needed to be looked at. It all came to the surface. Still trying to cope with it. Healing is a journey. I had so many issues with abusive partners and even close friendships. I would literally do everything if I could erase all the suffering and pain from my DNA to finally live a normal life with healthy, peaceful and loving relationships.
Now at least one good thing came out of this hardship: I have gained a strong relationship to god, knowing that he unconditionally loves me even if people might not. That's been a life saviour for me, otherwise I would have given up on all the disappointments. So I am really grateful for faith in god and spiritual connection. I still struggle to trust others because of past experiences and am on the way to rebuild myself up from depression. Never learned to set boundaries because I grew up in an abusive household.
2020 was a year of loss for me in all areas, all that really was left was me praying to god to help me in my darkest night of the soul where I just wanted to die and still consider death to be more peaceful than to be alive...but that's just me questioning the meaning of life.
After I figured out, I have to reparent myself and find love and strength in myself I think to myself: Well, what's the point in having friendships or relationships anyway? Everyone will sooner or later disappoint you somehow or do what they want to do. That really brought me down to only love god and stop getting emotionally attached to others since they are not a permanent factor I can rely on.
I grew up in a really toxic environment with a single mother.
My father was not respectful to her, he was rarely there for me nor seemed to be interested in me.
When I was 7 years old he died in a gun shooting. Though I always told everyone he had a motorcross accident because I was so ashamed of a father who hang out with criminals and even was once in prison.
After the death of my father, my mother was depressed and I as a seven year old girl feld obliged to be strong for her.
I was sad and angry at the same time for her because she was so sad about his death and the loss of the father of her child but even me as a seven year old girl thougt: Well, thank the lord we're finally free from that agressive abusive man who forced me to eat up the plate and shouted at me and even had beaten me...
So really I am asking myself after all this crazy shit and many many sad relationships with men...should I ever try again to finally find a male partner with whom I can have family and live a normal life or should I go to monastery...since all this abuse has even left scars on my body physically, emotionally and energetically...I feel so wrecked and sad...I have no friends and even a toxic relationship with my mother.
What helps me: watching self healing videos on youtube, studiying astology and my birth chart to understand my path here on this earth, crying, listening to music, taking a long warm shower, talking to god and my guardian angels and praying praying praying. And yes I allow myself to grief and self pity. I am my best friend now since the outer world was harsh as fuck to me since I was born, I gues I must have been an asshole as evil as hitler in my last life for all this bad karma...^^
I still feel so lost and sad and so afraid to ever trust again because before 2020 I didn't even realize how wrong everything was going in my life. I was literally just functioning like a robot, wanting to please everybody, working in jobs that I hated, not knowing who I was at all. I was doing a lot Yoga and Meditation but all that could not heal the deep black hole in my heart.
Now, that I found my "new" father in god, I finally have a father who is caring from above and I can talk to him and pray to him and know he won't hurt or abuse me but in fact cares for me as his child and loves me. So my human father abandoned me and left a huge scar but my heavenly father loves me and I think that's more powerful.
So enough self pity but please understand that writing this out is therapeutic for me.
For anyone who has gone through the same hell, please leave a thumps up.
Much love to you, much love to all of us and everyone who is still healing from hardship in their life.
You are not alone. All the best to you who is reading this.
Darkness brings medicine. I know how hell looks like, been there and I totally have compassion for people comitting suicide. Some burdens are just too painfull and it takes a lot faith and immense strength to come out of hell all by yourself. So thank the lord I am a fucking strong woman because I am still here alive and breathing.
Do you know a fun fact? In the yoga community everything is about being selfless and care for others but due to the fact that I was carriying huge shit from my childhood I found I so hard to really be selfless. I was trying to fill my empty cup and literally had nothing to give. So it took me soooo long to truly understand what selflove means. You can not give to others if your own cup is empty as fuck and your are thirsty of love...So that's why I felt so much guilt even to not be a good person because I demanded so much time for my own sitting alone with my hurting heart...
So there comes a time when everything just adds up and makes sense...This time for me is now and I am grateful for this :)
For those who are curios:
I have chiron in lion,
pluto in scorpio,
saturn in aquarius and north node in capricorn.
I’ve always been aware that my unloved feelings and perfectionism came about through my parents but it’s conquering these feelings I’ve struggled to find the answer to.
Amen.
I did anything and everything for love. I became a chameleon to get love . I am so empty inside . I have been hurt and am hurting others . I am glad you mentioned that we were parented and now I have parented the way I was. Now that I am awakened I am trying to change so much and my children hate me . They are only loving me with conditions . I was never enough as a child now I still am not enough as an adult . I raised my kids as a single parent and I wish I knew what I’m learning today back when my children were younger . I tried to be the PERFECT parent and give my kids love but I’m sure I screwed up and I just want to be Enough!!! Namaste
Thank you for the gracious description of what is a painful realization and condition to exist within. Much appreciated.
She is sooo kind. Even if i am watching you virtually, I can feel the positive energies, the energy of understanding me, the energy of acceptance, love, real care. That's awesome. God bless you❤
Candace this was awesome what you said.Jerome
Thank god my dad said I was a fearless child, cuz when I was 5 I knew it was cuz of them not me, creating that fear of survival wound, knowing nothing was about me I still wasn’t getting my needs met.
Beautiful. Thank you for addressing the difference between feeling unloved and actually being unwanted/unloved.
I usually dont comment on videos but I just have to say I'm glad I found your channel. I'm going through all of this right now. It has helped realize that I have all these issues. And I'm actually admitting it to myself and working towards a better life and better relationships
Point A is so, so, so important!
Sadly however, I think that realization occurs only after a very long time.
I just want to say thank you. I know what this isn’t the biggest RUclips Chanel and maybe you won’t go viral for entertainment or whatever but you’re seriously helping people. We came here to be healed and you’re helping us heal. I appreciate you taking your knowledge and wisdom and sharing it with us ! Some of this stuff is more useful than the 10 years of therapy I’ve had
My heart just lightened up instantaneously when watching this video.
The realization that I was not lovable at a young age began the self loathing that remains deep inside today. It seems that even intellectually understanding that it wasn't my fault doesn't change that at all.
That's right. The intellectual understanding DOES NOT HEAL THIS. It has to be done through inner child work. You may want to check out doing some coaching with me to get you started. Everything is on my website if interested. www.candacevandell.com/work-with-me/
I never knew I had a choice... sad but what a turning point in life's lessons 💜
It is sad that children have to go thru this I have 3 Daughters and i feel like I love them more then myself and would give up anything and everything for them. I know this video was for the children but I think you might help more of the children if the parents would see what you have to say.
Cheers
It's being able to show love emotionally and financially and being supported
i am just somewhat guessing here, but i suspect that any parent who may be displaying truly narcissistic behaviors or any harmful behavior for that matter, would probably not be very likely to be the one searching for any help or understanding about their harmful behaviors. ;)
Well said hey hey everyone check out the words of wisdom from Lisa Smith 👏👏🙏👏👏🌺🇨🇦🇭🇺
Epic message, thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
This was so enlightening, and really articulated perfectly what has been my life experience. As I move forward, I realize that I need to teach people how to treat me and establish boundaries for protection. I am finally breathing comfortably. I am growing comfortable in my own skin. I am enjoying life and it’s an amazing ride. One that I create and love. Thank you, Candace! Information so on point!
Narcissists are dangerous and toxic .... I urg y'all please stay awy these toxic vicious and malicious people ...yall gotta run 🏃 for y'all lives indeed !!!!!
This completely resonates with me!!! So great! I have been working on this exact topic for myself in the last months. Thank you for your explanation.
Amazing!! ;-)
Oh my gosh, I literally started crying watching this... thank you Candace!
By the way !! There's no point blaming the narcist as they will find change near impossible. How can a narc change themselves , when they believe they are perfect. They are trapped in their illussions of perfection and suppressed emotions ( defense mechanism for their survival ) and there for deserve our compassion .
As for us we need to stop creating phantom bonds with unsuitable partners. In fact learn to recognize what a secure bond is in a healthy relationship. Nameste 😊🙏
George V.
It’s true. My dad is still the same narc he was 30 years ago. They think everyone else is to blame for their actions. I haven’t spoken to my dad in 2 years and never will. Wish them the best, try to forgive and move on. 💜
To say I LOVE this video is an understatement. You are truly such a blessing & have a extraordinary gift. Thank you, Candace xo
I was spoiled,by my parents still am,but I was bullied by people,but I now really treat myself like a friend cuz all that bullying made me love myself more&my parents are the best for supporting me,its others,just a few..but I'm well able to handle people now,luv your motivating videos.
I've recognized the symptoms for years and years....knowing how to learn to love correctly is the most difficult challenge of my life. I still feel worthless.....
I came across your videos trying to heal from narcsssist abuse relationship and realizing my family are narcissist. Thank you for the first time in my life I feel like I can heal and now I know how to heal.. I can’t explain what you have done and I’m thankfully I trusted my intuition and my self and found your channel
Thank you so much for making this video! It really is so nice to know you are not alone in what you feel :) Namaste
Your wisdom is a breath of fresh air. I wish I had found you sooner!
Wow...so on point as far as my situation went as a kid
Gogo Plata 🙏🏻✨
This was one of the most beautiful and simplified to the core, explanations that I've received. Although it confirms my "co-dependency issues", at least now I can continue healing those parts of me and get back to Iove..
"REAL LOVE"....❤️💞🙏🏼✨💎🌈
Thank you for taking your time to make things "make sense" for so many of us that just can't seem to, "get it!" All my love...
Candace could it be we expect love from parents and family members who didn't receive the love they deserve
Ronald Achille yes! That’s exactly right!!
Gotta love those generational wounds.
Got lost at your beauty !
@@CandacevanDell Candace can you do a series from this video on what those real love relationships look like from family members to friendships and relationships with significant others? Can you break down the stages of what it'd look like to put your recommendations in this video into practice? I think you really reached a lot of people with this video...thank you.
Candace, thanks so much for sharing this powerful content! You just helped me make a major breakthrough!!! Much love to you.😇
Good to know 🙏🏻. I received a lot of “I love you” lots of cuddles and kisses.. yet I always felt it was conditional. Working on my inner children right now that I have neglected so badly has been amazing.
Me too and I think my mom gave me a lot of affection only when she needed it. The rest of the time, I was a burden.
This video made me cry😢 but you're so right. I'm in the process of healing all wounds so watching your videos are really helping me a lot. 😏
What I've discovered is that you don't actually need to have been unloved to experience/ feel that you were unloved. It just means that your parents were not able to give you love in a way that you could feel as loved. This is true for example in cases of the middle child, of if your parents just didn't give you love that you could feel as love.
I rejected their perception of me even as a little child even still. I knew of God's love and my worth. I think my strong independence has been a defense mechanism to shield me from unhealthy dysfunctional people ~ a huge grace I continue to receive 66 years later. Such a shame though and a waste of them not receiving the gift I am.
Candace, when you said "why you weren't loved". It shocked me because I never thougjt I had a choice to be loved or not be loved by my parents. I was never told those three words from either of them. I feel sorry for them. No excuses because I feel angry about that. How selfish and I don't care if they were wounded. Hope they were.
Candice , I have to Thankyou for this video , it spoke to my heart , and I finally understand what has happened to me , and why I at 67 I still didn’t get my needs met , because I keep going for the same love I had at first , Thankyou for making it easy to understand ,it’s never to late to learn , I need to be at peace with myself !you really helped me today to have a ah ha moment or a lightbulb moment! Your work is helping Thankyou !
OMG! Now I understand...may God bless you Candice! ♥️
Could you do another video looking deeper at this whole subject? My depression and insecurities have been hitting hard these days, I would be really thankful if you could give us a bigger outlook on this whole topic and how to overcome these wounds, since it's something kind of embarrasing to talk about with friends or family. I think no one would really understand, and it feels like you have been throught the same thing or something similar. Anyway, thank you so much for your knowledge, every word you said really got to my heart. Love
Look at books by Susan Forward...Toxic Parents is great. Alice Miller too. On IG the Holistic Psychologist is good and she's just released a book.
Wow. This is wonderful...and so good I will need to watch it a few times to let that all soak in.
Beautiful, thank you 💗
Great video Candace. You really make me understand myself so much more. My parents had a bad marriage and as a result I was ignored and abused and felt unloved. So now I realize it wasn't my fault. Thank you so much!
Omg
I came here to understand a man i care about but instead realize this is me, completely. I have been aware i look for love externally because i never felt it from my family. I married a man who loves conditionally and after 20 plus years, im leaving in a month. I still question it because change is hard and i dont want to tear up my family but my kids know we are unhappy and i want something more.
Yes, ive been on a journey to love myself, most grateful for this growth period.
Ive not been emotionally connected to him over 10 or more years and his hard drinking pushed me away as well.
What happened is i started a friendship online 1.5 years ago, platonic on a likeminded thread with other ppl but realized 6 months ago, ive developed feelings for him. I am learning unconditional love and couldn't be happier. We are taking it slow, i have no idea where this is going but i am more satisfied inside myself by showing up, taking care of me.
Thank you for this video
What a beautiful spirit and person you are. Its a pleasure to watch your insights and perspectives. We are all survivors, and help from souls like yours helps many, many people. God bless you, Candace
It’s so Strange Maybe it’s because im on the right path that i just feel pure Love for you and myself. I feel you Energy. You are so beautiful and im not jealous. I just feel love and peace. Thanks for doing what you do 🙏🏽
Thankful for your videos. I come back to them and always get some light.
Thank you🙂 I appreciate your guidance on this as it's something that I'm starting to realise myself from past relationships!
Thank you so much for this! Just soothes the wound so much!
Oh Candace, I needed this ❤️
I'm so glad ;-)
Wonderful words ,to the point and from the heart. It might be a year later since the video was posted. But for me its relevant right now.
I am at the re -programming stage and I feel like a fish out of water.
All part of ones awakening .🥴😊🙏
Also you can become hyper independent and avoid relationships. This is the flipside of codependence and you can still display traits of codependency while living out this pattern.
Daaaaaaaaaaamn you're bursting with inner primal and loving fire, amazing... amazing.. I heal just by listening to you.
What if you‘ve already understood all that on your own, you already started many years ago to change your old wrong patterns, you already made a big effort (because it’s about a really big effort ) to meet different people, actually you succeeded in doing this , and your past, like a “mafia” doesn’t let you go, doesn’t want you to be happy, doesn’t want to recognise their wrong patterns and accept their responsibilities in failing their relationship with you? I mean I know that I met wrong people because I “felt “ wrong...but the more I fight hard to change my life the more those people try to push me back in my old patterns, because for them it’s more convenient to have me like that....At the beginning I thought that my life was up to me...but the more I live the more I realise that our past choices affect our present and future. It’s very hard to find the courage to really find a way out to all this. And that upsets me...
I really hear you!!!! some people wont want you to change because it will actually highlight them as the issue. It forces them to take responsibility and a lot of people will fight against that. You are the easy target because you are self aware and sensitive (I am guessing). I encourage you to check our your "boundaries" around such people. You can let them go if they don't let you flow XO
It’s very hard to face the fact that sometimes our family won’t ever be supportive of our change. It holds a mirror for them which makes them very uncomfortable and they will do almost anything to keep homeostasis.
You can find different ways to coexist or distance yourself and still keep your boundaries and your authenticity. It’s very painful and, as you’ve said, takes a lot of courage. Being ourselves is worth it.
Most of our parents did the best they could, if they did not love and support us it is only because they are struggling with their own issues and just didn't have any encouragement or support to offer, it is especially hard for mothers who married a selfish partner.
LocalTourist Totally Agree!!
Beautiful.....just what I need in my life right now❤
Maria Marker 🙏🏻✨🙏🏻
Amazing video!! 1000% accurate!! Thank you!!
This really caught my attention…….wow. Thanks for your sharing. I relate so well. I’m glad no matter how old your videos are they’re available. Thank you again.
Thank you.
Sincerily, my unloved inner child.
Very true! That's my real problem
Now .... miss Candance !!
If you would , please make another
Video on how to over come this
Feelings and ty, God bless you!
Salvador Gonzalez which feeling?
Wow you just spoke to my soul you're amazing! Thanks for sharing your knownlegde 💜
4:14 is pure GOLD & missing from so many other explanations. Thanks Candace
Candace, you spoke the exact words of the psychological and energetic roadmap that I have been experiencing on my journey. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
Thanks Candace I have learned alot from you I believe you are a true angel
Thank you - perfect timing as usual ♥️
I'm so glad ;-))
Discover how you are not loving yourself and address your issues as you discover them to be; learn to give love in accordance to your personal pattern; insist of receiving love from close friends and associates that affirms and uplifts you. (If your friends or partner are not able to naturally provide the right love for you innately so, it is time to love and leave them. With time your batting average for making wholesome connections with other good individuals will improve.) Work on these issues and your life will eventually start becoming better and better. Be blessed...
Simply beautiful, Thank You!
Beautiful morning 1977 welcome!!!
i neede to hear this i thought or still fell like im not loved that i have to do things for them
🙏🏻✨
This is so spot on! Thank you for the video.
Perfect timing of course!
Yay I love it!
May God bless you. You are the light in my dark times with your wisdom.
Candace, I just want you to tell you that this is the most powerful relatable video I've probably watched! This is what I grow through and I've always wondered about my patterns, why I attract certain men and friends, why I blame myself, was it my fault, the list goes on. And I've been reading, writing, and taking therapy and just learning more and more. I've gotten to a point where I no longer allow the same kind of men in my life, at least not to stay around if I notice similar patterns or familiar feelings. I've been working on myself. I just wanna thank you because this is absolutely amazing! Thank you thank you thank you! If you by any chance, have a book on this, pls let me know. I have been reading abandonment books. I want to find the inner child books. Thank you again. This hit me. ❤
Beautiful, pure of heart, truth.
Thank you Dear Candace👍🏼✌🏼🙏🏻🕉️💯😌❤️✌🏼
For parents who adopt, need to make sure they are not more in love with the idea of having a child. Because when they find out parenting is not what they expected , they dont take it out on the child. Its easier not to show affection to a child thats not yours
EveryDayStoner420 :All-Rights-Reserved. That’s a very important topic. Many people are in love with the idea of having a child, you are right. The realities of parenting are not something many people talk about.
Never thought about this. But it resonates heavy. Thanks for sharing.
I just found this..wow and Thank you Jesus!..something has totally lifted up from me after listening..i have felt heard..validated..understood and hopefully on my way to healing 🙏
Thanks Candice - perfect timing :))
Another great video Candace 😇 Thank you
The Law of Attraction never ceases to amaze me! I was talking to my mother about this today and I forgave her because she is wounded herself. I'm 33 and I have been with a lot of amazing women of all different shapes and sizes every single one of them love me very deeply I would always sabotage the relationships without even realizing what I was doing,then i found a woman that was not up to my normal standards,but she's the one i ened up having 2 beautiful kids with. but she is cold and does not know what love is herself just like my mom. this is a very interesting topic I'm very big into psychology, I understand the reasons but it's still very fascinating .. I'm also a perfectionist,im now awake and I look at these experiences as learning experiences,and now im (ready) for love.I know i will find her or she will find me. just waiting to receive my queen!😉✌GREAT VID BTW!!
Super consciousness thank you!!
80000 Koop
I'm really impressed by the quality of your content. Thank you and blessings for the work that you do!!
Thank you Candace. Bob
I love this, broght me soooo much clarity! Thank you
Thank you for sharing kind heart
;-)
Listening to this sadly is comforting because I feel seen.
I needed this too! Thank you!!
Total AHA moment!!! Thank you for the clarity I hear the message.🤗🤗#HumanRace
❤️😭 thanks for this validation
That's so crazy just the other day I was thinking this!! I have been doing my own inner "kid" work (I like that term lol) and I had thought, well, a person will not usually be called to take responsibility for their damaged psyche until mid 20s or later. Mainly because as a child you do not know any better and are taking in everything and once you are pubescent age, your soul fully immerses itself into the body and there is WAY too much shit going on in that teens head and emotions to think about, why am I feeling this way? Then there is school, college etc you dont even know what a bad habit is until you are older and still may not even have time set aside to deal with this stuff until you wonder why you keep failing.
I like you I think you have some great insights for people working through this stuff. There are some very serious cases out there and I pray every single one of them finds relief and healing. Some of your viewers may also be interested in doing the Sri Lalitha Sahasranamam. Not for the lazy thats for sure but it is the most powerful thing I have EVER experienced to heal old wounds. I am a devotee of Sri Mata Amritananamayi Devi, also known as Amma, and when I cannot see Her I chant this everyday now and I cannot believe the healing power is insane. May all your viewer find the Peace and Healing they need. Below is a sing along link.
Namaste
ruclips.net/video/XwZFoTrES78/видео.html
8:58 - Nobody is awesome. No one is worthy of unconditional love. Unconditional love is mythical. That's not what I'm asking for. I just want to be with someone who thinks I'm worthy of their attention/affection.
This video was a sign for me. Thank you 🥺
Thank you so much for this video 🖤
GOD BLESS you 🙏
For THIS video
Message! INSIGHT