The Borderline & Emotional Blackmail
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- Опубликовано: 16 сен 2024
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Friday, October 20, 2023 10/20/23
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![[EP 30] Rekindling Love and Passion: A Conversation with Dr. Cheryl Fraser](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/69vaPoiB1Ig/mqdefault.jpg)
THEY. DON'T. CARE. ABOUT. YOUR. FEELINGS.....AT. ALL. The second you accept and realize this, you will realize that they never loved you. PLEASE accept this sooner than later.
So he did not love me for many years.
@@LR-yu3mx
Love.... "The act of caring and giving to someone else. Having someone's best interest and wellbeing as a priority in your life. To truly love is a very,, selfless act."
I triggered my ex with BPD by:
Reading a book
Watching a show he didn’t like
Going anywhere
Not going anywhere
Playing on the computer
Spending “too much” time with our children/grandchildren
Not making sure there was tea made
Expressing ANY complaint about his family
Having friends
Having a job
Going to college
The list was endless
How dare you reading a book. Mine was triggered by me being late 10 minutes
I love you - you hate me everything they say you are doing is actually what they are doing.
Was eventually threatened 'if you tell anyone'.... SO glad I FINALLY reported him after years of this shit. The more kindness, care, compassion and mercy you show them, the more they are going to deliberately devour your soul and mind. These videos are SPOT ON the best, most accurate information on BPD abuse there is.
He was often saying " you're independent" it wasn't a compliment. I made it clear I was not going to have a codependent relationship. He broke up with me after 6 months because I did not " care" about him. I cared very much about him, I'm still not prepared to have a codependent relationship. No thank you.
Mine was telling me that I was too strong. Yep. Too strong to abuse me like he had used to do before me and is doing now after me with his new partner.
They need reassurance. But when they get it, when they understand they really can trust you - they lose interest, get bored. They need this constant drama being on the edge of abandonment
And the reason he started cheating on me was: I didn't love him. I read too many books for our children instead of taking care of him... NO COMMENT
Now he is in the relationship with a night strip club dance girl. Constant drama. Huge codependence. Drugs.
@@annatsalko Amazing to me how many equal drama with passion, and toxic entanglement with love. Love to me is peaceful and kind. I don't need constant adrenalin rush to feel alive.
"They don't care about you". Very painful, but so true. I've been dating this guy for a couple of weeks only. I met him almost right after my beloved dog of 16 years passed away. I had to make the decision to get her put to sleep forever as she was so old that she was not able to move, to eat, I did not want her to suffer. It was one of the most painful things I did in my life. This guy seemed to be very supportive at first. Two weeks into dating, I was love-bombed immensely (1st red flag), and one night when he called me, I was a bit downcast and when he asked why, I told him I was feeling grief-stricken, the memories of my doggie'd just come back, I had even been crying. I told him I felt guilty that since I met him I'd had so little time to think about my dog. And this was the moment when he got extremely distant, almost callous and irritated. "So are you saying you feel guilty because you're happy with me instead of being sad about your dog? How so? Your dog was old, why can't you let it go?" TWO WEEKS after my dog's death. I was baffled. Fortunately more red flags were coming so I dumped him after 2 months. Never again.
Well done for dodging a major bullet. Sorry for the loss of your beloved dog. I too had to say good bye to my old boy. The BEST relationship I have ever had!!
Healthy people don't need to relive their past, the trauma is no longer a threat to them, it becomes a part of them that has in the end made them wiser and stronger because incredibly, they have overcome it.
Excellent and precise video. If you get angry over anything they do they will be triggered into blackmail type behaviour ie : suicide threats so you end up speechless.They don't taking accountability then play victim.Very reppetitive behaviours extreme mood swings .Nothing you do will convince them that you love them especially if they've lost a argument.Thanks David.
Thank you Nessa! Its good to see you and I love your explanations, perfectly put.
Losing an argument, that certainly doesn't go down well. In my experience with a BP GF it's normally the one who causes most chaos and who is most verbal that wins and in my case its' increasingly her who is right and I who cedes. In my experiences disagreements with BPD suffers tend to be about control and not resolution.
… as a German Biologist -
As I experience it every day
It is about RESPECT and No Trespassing
In 1 second we experience this
When a person we meet the first time
Is an honest, decent RERSPECTFUL humble person.
They respect your zone of Intimacy
And apologize for any unintended trespassing
…As soon as a person becomes disrespectful
and does not apologize
I walk away fast
Daily experience
The one thing in my relationship (I'm a man) that triggers my wife every single time it happens is if I talk to a woman at work, at a conference, anywhere for any reason. I've tried until I was blue in the face to explain that I work with men AND women and that I have to have discussions with them. Her response and I quote "just tell them you are uncomfortable talking with a woman and that you prefer talking with other men". The most absurd thing I think I've ever heard.
Anything & everything can be a trigger for a bpd to have a psychotic break. They’re in versing the experienced neglect & trauma on their present relationships it’s what they experienced as children from their primary carer often maternal.
There is no logic to bpd behaviours…unfortunately like their experience of neglect & abuse.
Mine after 5 yrs of bpd behaviours, abuse, violence to friends colleagues & successive partners…asked me to marry her…2 days later she threatened to call the police because I asked her if she could help me fold the washing, I left straight away & then she rang to ask her why I didn’t kiss her good by.
It’s incomprehensible!!
I'm sorry, thats awful. I hope you continue to heal and life keeps getting better.
That sums up.the craziness around here very well - thanks.
I feel so stupid! I fell for it all. At the end he even told me “How can you believe everything I say? Don't you understand I only said that to get out of the hospital?” “you are so naive!”
I sat there like a question mark in shock and said “What's the point in talking then if you don't say the truth?”🤔🤔🤔 My wheels were turning but my hamster was dead. Took me til next day to understand that he actually willfully lied! At that point and realization I understood, well if that is the case. I can't trust him whatever he says or ever have said🤔🤔 That's when my hamster came alive. 😂 It's still hard though to grasp that reality. 🤷♀️ Everything was a lie? Yes it was. Can I trust anything he said? No I can't.
My ex i used to live for 12 years, threatened with suicide, threatened to leave me and our two kids many times, manipulated and gaslighted. I thought I deserve it as I did not value myself I did not had self worth. I asked my ex to leave us as he did not quit drinking and was laughing on Therapy I started to attend. Today I am aware of healthy relationships. Life is beautiful again 🌿☀️☺️
Love your comment, Emily Taylor! 😎❤️
Yay, beautiful!
@@rorywright5692 thank you Rory 🤜🤛☺️🤗🌸🫐🍓🍁🥰
My BPD sufferer X GF also had dismissive avoidant personality trait, so it was (& SHE was) a walking contradiction, couldn't commit to save her behind, here a grandmother 4x over / mother 3x over (& would lie close to half of an 8 hr day) what a walking contradiction.
Suicide threats, threatening to relapse, hitting themselves is my current relationship. I've been trying to leave for 2 years, but I feel such a responsibility for her downfall if I leave. I'm stuck in this preconceived guilt and self blame. Fear of leaving and the guilt I would have. It's awful.
My best friend of 15yrs and common law husband of two, strangled me on 6/28/23 and almost killed me. It was the FIRST AND LAST time he has ever been physically violent with me.
He was arrested on 2nd degree assault strangulation with a DV enhancement.
He was yelling at me and telling me I had 3 months to get out. It’s a long story. He had been looking at me with blank empty cold eyes for the past year and when I asked him what he was thinking when he looked at me like that, he said he was trying to understand what I was saying. It was creepy but I gave him the benefit of the doubt. He has been sick for decades and is ALWAYS the victim! He was the quiet type and like to pretend he was a philanthropist. He never took 💯 accountability for his reality and for his life. I really can’t believe how bad it’s gotten.
I haven’t talked with him in almost 4 months. I’m in the home with the dogs and he’s at his moms in the same town. He has no previous criminal record and the case is still in the courts. I am taking proactive action but my heart hurts!
Please be diligent people! Pay attention!
He began to do a drug an hid it from you. Maybe
I'm sorry. Please tell your entire story.
It stops when you realize their life is NOT your life. Stop living their life and make your life about important enough to stop being victimized. Give yourself a break.
8:06
That helped me more to accept what happened than I could in 20 years.
Dave: another excellent video: ‘Do as I say…. NOT as I do…’-- THEIR motto.
I don’t care how a BPD justifies themselves. They are horrible and it is completely senseless for anyone to receive the punishment of dating one. There is absolutely no love that is great enough to make one lose oneself.
"They are horrible" shaming people with a mental health condition isn't exactly a quality associated with someone with high integrity and compassion.
To the BPD's, please be accountable for your actions. You will not get better as long as you keep playing the victim. Simply treat others the way you'd like to be treated in return and I promise your life will improve.
@user-ln1lm2kq3p "simply"? It's a complex mental health problem. Take responsibility for your own codependency. Why did you allow yourself to be used? Why did you allow yourself to stay? As an adult It's your responsibility to make sure you're treated with respect. Someone who is untreated with BPD doesn't have the mental capacity to take other people into consideration. It's not personal and hopefully next time you will be better able to gate keep your own life 🙏
@user-ln1lm2kq3p you might find "BPD breakup and codependency" a useful channel
Hey. I just got diagnosed. And all im seeing is stuff about how horrible people with bpd are. I have decided to not have relationships or make new friendships to make sure no one is harmed. In your opinion/experience, is there any way to "redeem" myself?
But while fearing abandonment, aren't borderlines themselves preparing to abandon their partner in favor of personal convenience of secretly securing someone "better" while simultaneously stringing along the one they hope to abandon? They hope to get a new partner but are not sure (hence, stringing their current partner along until they are sure). They are scared to be alone (=abandoned) and so, they can't just honestly break up. Once they feel they secured their new partner in secret form the one they have, they will abandon the one they have.
So, I think that
They fear only being abandoned.
They don't fear abandoning.
They're extreme about everything. They abandone everyone or never leave.
My heart goes out to people with these issues that are at a level where they are self sabotaging. My x has many bad traits.
I left the US finally for a three week vacation and my life feels so far from her.
Your videos are instructional for navigating relationships as I go forward.
Thank you
Thank you and good luck in your healing.
My Bpd was asif he is living on his own planet. I felt like shaking him, but had to be so careful.
My BPD ex girl finally gave up and blocked me I still kinda miss her but I'm also glad it's finally over
I have been broken up with my Bpd girl for 5 weeks now and zero contact for the first time in 6 years. It's very weird
I'm not sure how to feel. Just feels shitty
Make it a rule. Hope doesn't count for nothing if you allow yourself to be abused
Your channel is lit! New subscriber!
Can we ever do anything right with them?
No not really...if you say made them lunch for work they would fixate on something missed even if you haven't.Its frustrating !
@@nessauk2786 I know this one all too well!!
No
@@daviddemars Short and sweet!!😎❤️
They do not want you to better yourself in any way, they do not want to share you with anyone including your family and no matter what, you cannot ever be too happy.
After 4 years of staying because of his fear of abandonment and control, I walked away and went no contact a couple years ago. Don’t you agree they are like gum stuck on your foot if you fall for their tactics?
Charlene - Colorado
Thank you David for a video! 🌿🌸☺️
Thank you Emily!
Thanks David I always watch your videos , I feel like I’m armed with the facts of people with bpd ,I try and steer clear of them otherwise I end up with emotional distress ❤
Good Mark, thank you very much.
Many people feel the same. Thanks to David's/others videos ----- going through my divorce (she has BPD) --- give me the tools necessary to be able to deal with her. Sad, because THEY have NO idea how their dysfunction effects others to the point where the ONLY survival we have.........is to leave.
@@AuggieX1 and always remember it’s not personal they don’t understand what their doing to us ,detatch with love and go no contact that what David taught me to do ,David helped me to end my emotional misery
@@markmaloney33 same. Good luck in your journey. No contact is the only MUST.
Anyone who wants to speak up in the name of defense for abuse will never heal. We all need to work on u veteran ding ourselves not inflicting our sickness upon others. There are no excuses once toy are an adult.
You explain this disorder so we’ll man! Thx for sharing!
Hi, David! Great video! 😎❤️
Hi Rory thank you so much and good to see you!
Your videos are eye opening! Thank you for dropping the hard truth!
4 yrs on off w long distance natc ex gf 2 hrs away she cheated i stayed away 10 months then i stay away 9 months 6 months was always hoovered back into this hole allowing visits and having no boundaries I finally am staying no contact day 15 or forever in that time I figured out one of her Affairs last of the Year longer than she said it did all that stuff comes alive it's very painful but I'm staying away I am staying away from her and I'm not reaching out I'm not going to prove anything else and I'm not going to respond going to respond to any emails or different numbers cuz she always Hoovers eventually
Bingo absolutely amazing
Thank you!
My ex fiancee (of three years)contacted my ex wife ( 13 years divorced)
and they never met one another to make up lies about me being abusive. Then my kids heard about it.
She also start d talking and posting about dating , the day after I left her. It has been 7 weeks and she’s still going on! I left and never communicated with her since, She is still fighting with herself bc I moved on!
She also posting pictures of wedding dresses, new guy posts and wedding things. This is the craziest behavior I have EVER witnessed!!!!!!
When I lived with her she had cameras, she would do passive aggressive things and use dishes, laundry and other things to try and start a fight. Push and pull , 0-100 in 2 seconds, I would stand there and feel like the house is on fire so a lot of times I would leave. Sometimes I would be told to leave all to come back but I didn’t this time and she went scorched earth!!!!
YES!!!!!! All of it!…..Correct! Thanks again! Left after 33 years marriage. Exhausting!!!!! ALL TRUE!
They don't care
What if they care when not upset/triggered by something you forgot to do or didn't do.. is that not possible?
I thought for me that he only doesn't care when he starts to see me as bad, then comes round and back to normal.
Is there any positives? How does one live with this condition when everyone says to leave them? If you have bpd just give up on ever having relationships?
I bawled my eyes out after a breakup posted a video of my thoughts. Got a call the next morning from my ex that was a narcissist and if I wanted her back I would remove the videos otherwise she would slander me too.
First of all, self harm isn't a crime. That's one thing I noticed that wasn't correct. Everything else though was spot on. It used to be a crime but has since been de-criminalized. However, I still agree that calling the police for someone threatening to do so is the answer although if you're a man and you're with a BPD woman, that may not be the answer because she'll very likely lie and manipulate the police and could make up false accusations against you just to retaliate for calling police on her. Then you go to jail instead of her getting help. I've realized through dating a extremely manipulative BPD woman that calling the police is not in your best interest. She will not harm herself past superficial cuts just to manipulate me into not leaving so no need for police to show up to an already intense situation when they usually just make it worse. Police are not trained in mental health and like the majority of society, have no idea what BPD is or what the symptoms are nor do they really care like most people in general. What I've learned is that most people aren't intelligent enough to understand personality disorders and how dangerous these people are. Most look at you with a blank stare when you try to explain them and you can tell the information went in one ear and out the other. Having untrained people with guns, the itching to arrest someone no matter if it calls for it or not, and God complexes show up is more dangerous and only makes the situation more volatile for everyone. This is my experience only with my BPD ex. My strategy was to play nice and smooth things over until she calmed down. Then when she didn't expect it, I was going to pack and leave while she was at work. It didn't exactly happen that way but I was still able to get out, thankfully. Every other time, she hid the car keys, stood in front of the door out or told me to get out of her house without my stuff. She was also never opposed to getting physical with me. These people are basically sociopaths in my opinion with only minor differences. I don't see much difference though. If you compare ASPD to BPD and my ex in particular, she fits every single one of ASPD.
In defense here, but those who are afraid of being abandoned usually have a history of being abandoned and are justifiably fearful of that happening once again. Speaking from my own experience, my father abandoned me and my mother within weeks of my birth. I have never laid eyes on him and he has never reached out. My entire life, I have dealt with friends coming and going, never quite sticking around long enough to even justify letting them in. Why? They're just going to leave just like everyone else always has. Unlike narcissists, psychopaths and sociopaths, those with BPD have valid reasons for the feelings they have. I am not excusing their meltdowns and fits of rage, but their rage stems from a place of hurt and its usually not intentional, as it is with other cluster B personalities.
How can you work with real or perceived abandonment?
Boundaries. Its not your job to reassure peoples mentally ill based fears.
@@daviddemars Very true!!
No excuses for typos either
🤗🌞
Hi, Cindy C! Enjoy your day!😎❤️
@@rorywright5692 Have a great weekend 🤗❤️
Hello Cindy!
@@daviddemars Hello. Have a beautiful weekend 🤗🌼
👍🏼👍🏼 1:01
You pinpoint stuff so well, but as a BPD I got a little sad listening to this... I'm used to being misunderstood and I know your advice is meant for neurotypicals who suffer from borderlines. That's why I avoid people now. But I research all perspectives to find out who I am and what's going on. If I may, I recommend video Managing Suicidality and Self-Harm (John Gunderson). I think this advice does help BPD victims, but some simplifications maybe increase anguish, and BPD "victims" know they loved this person and her/his behaviour wasn't all that malicious all the time, so even if they understand at first, they know deep inside it is not the truth.
He cusses me..tells me I'm crazy
Same for me
My new Neighbor.
Told me my husband is Cheating on me wow I just Met you Calling me I need you now im mad p***** off.I didn't recognize the Signs And fell right in to it After five years of therapy so mad at my self
Wow a lot of BPD haters on here! I hate to be the bearer of bad news but damaged people attract damaged people. Maybe do some inner work yourselves and seek therapy to work out why it is you yourself did not attract a more stable, healed person! Thank God there are some educated, helpful individuals out there who can offer empathetic helpful guidance on how to deal with BPD as a sufferer or as someone dealing with them.
Uhhhh , no we tried "LOVING" the borderline...
(She just wouldn't accept it) 😉
*criterion*
I never been able to have success in trying to kill myself since I was never successful in dying I tried every time I rather be called a narcissist then someone just be drop hints if you step up and ask you get what you want close mouth never fills with cavities
You must have a lot if hurt from abuse as well. People who have been damaged / hurt by others have emotional scars that speak out and will still be heard even after they have come to terms with it; wouldn't it be great it traumatic memories be erased? Or maybe not, because how would we learn.? You don't have to continue to jump into the same toxic emotional abyss that swallowed you in the first place. Get out if the belly of the beast.
I have been in a relationship with a narcissist but also an often psychotic and quite severe borderline…i am finding out now i also suffer from the quiet type of bpd…maybe…my empathy is often on but also off…and alcohol and anger are important issues