On male intimacy... I struggle to watch my younger brother. Baby boy just turned 20. Wasn't being treated well by my family. I made my escape years back and almost lived with them after university, but left them. He was stuck with them, then was suddenly dropped off with me . Felt like I couldn't be a parent to him, but I knew I could show him love better than they ever did. It broke me to see how much he had to hide and shrink living with them. I was alright with them hurting me and using me, but to see him shell shocked and withdrawn.... It still makes me cry. He is such a gentle, kind, and sensitive person; but because of that, all kinds of people belittle him. He wrote a thank you note to me telling me I did enough and more than our parents ever did for him. He has his own place and job now and is right down the road from me. I just wish he was shown the love he deserves. I try, but I think I still feel like someone is going to beat me if I show affection....? It's wack, but we're trying and I'm proud of him. Just worried for young men.
I'm sorry to hear about that situation but I'm glad you stepped up and helped him with part of the void he was experiencing. I would recommend him to go to therapy so he can begin to overcome the fear of being abused by others. I have also learned to open up more to my significant other and its benefitted the relationship a lot.
I was feeling like something is wrong with me and I am missing out on the best thing that could potentially ever happen to me and I'm so glad it's not true. Damn, why all these people put this mindset on us?
I hit 39 this april, I've been happy for the first time in my life this year. Been 30 years in therapy. Took a while but I made it to content happiness... my 10's and 20's were worst than hell.
0:00 Stream starting 10:30 Intro 20:20 Dr K's opinions on technology affecting attention spans and emotions in children 49:47 Dr K's opinions on lack of intimacy and increased suicide rates in men (commentary on society) 1:25:25 Dr K's opinions on gun violence in schools in the USA 1:34:00 Dr K's opinions on time, the past, the future, and living to the fullest (time is what causes wounds) 2:02:34 Dr K's guide to "sexy talk" 2:20:50 Outro
Fun fact: UK mental health and social care services are on their ass and at 39 I lost my job, my home, and access to my son, as my mental health declined and declined. I was unwell, isolated, and deeply traumatised. Left for dead and being taken advantage of by those I thought I could trust. 6 years later I’m not driving a Bugatti or building space rockets, but I am a support worker in a homeless hostel, I rent my own apartment, I have rebuilt the relationship with my son, I enjoy every sunrise, and those that kicked me whilst I was down…. they steer clear of me now I’m on my feet again. 39 and it still wasn’t too late to completely change my life and get away from the life that was hurting me. Just sayin…. keep going.
Beautiful, thanks Samuel. I’m 21 and the UK has been an awful place to live as a man with severe depression and anxiety. I was even in supported living for a while and the staff ask dumb questions like why am I dirty why are my clothes tattered why haven’t I been sleeping I need to eat without realising those are the core fucking symptoms of depression. I even remember one time when I was suicidal, they stopped doing room checks and organising meetings with my support worker. Literally left to my own devices when I needed to be in a hospital
Thank you. At 62, I'm starting over. I needed to read this. Lost everything. Chronic physical health lead me to lose my business, familu, friends, a 9 year romantic relationship. I regained some health and made new life. In 2020 lost my part time gig, got sick again, and mental health plummeted. I couldn't see my therapist because of the shutdown and case manager taken from me as it wasn't in the budget. I'm now homeless as I list my townhome if 20 years, my car broke down, rest of famiky and friends left. Mental health is in the tanks. So much ptsd and cptsd from the past 2 years. I relate to what you said about being taken advantage of when your down. Even the medical establishment I can't trust. I can't afford alternative health care anymore. ❤
This is beautiful. Honestly this is the most healing environment I’ve ever had the pleasure of being in online. Connection, acceptance, learning, fun. I’m humbled
As a woman, I feel terrible for men these days. My dad didn't show any interest in me and my brother is a perfectionist, they have projected a lot of their ideas on me and until two year ago i didn't enjoy their company. But as i grow up and get more straightforward with my family, both of them realize that all their relationship are shallow and they can never have deep conversations and express what they feel. When my granny died i realized how much my dad was left to his own devices and i cried for him. He talked about his life as if he is narrating someone else and told me not to worry. My bro is in college now but i worry and try to ask him about his life subtly so he feels comfortable and confide in me when things get hard and always hug him when he comes back home.
Thank you for being one of the few women who get this issue. I’ve overheard and been told directly that I don’t deserve to feel depressed because I’m a white man and have it “so much easier in every aspect of the life” and some of these people know that I have a dying brother and other traumas I’ve experienced that they can’t even comprehend.
@@startledmilk6670 I wish people understood that racial/gender privilege strictly function as general estimates. This makes it very useful for identifying general societal issues, but useless when used to judge individuals.
@Suiseisexy i dont think its a joke just kinda sexist idk. I mean alot of people act dumb just want a free meal. Not that its right but i met someone on tinder and ive been with her 3 years now. Its rng man
49:47 I was in Peace Corps in Ethiopia, and it was a major culture shock to see men hugging and holding hands with each other more than they would with their wife or girlfriend. If two men were best friends, they'd walk down the street holding hands. Took some time to get use to.
and its a perpetually backwards society that needs such thing as the Peace Corps just to feed themselves. I still don't get why people always insist of taking advice from such cultures.
I started Brazilian Jiu-jitsu at age 58, 6 years ago, and it's amazing how my "touch starvation" went down. Of course that is just part of a deeper solution, but we can fight/grapple and end our night in a hug saying "Thank you for the training". 🙏
I was thinking this too! There are days I really don't feel like being pushed and I'm just tired and lonely but I go anyway because I need the physical touch
I used to do Judo, and it helped a lot with my Depression before I was even diagnosed, partially because the activity and partially because it was a safe place to touch other people.
Yep. I've been holding in tears for as long as I've been alive. I can count on 1 hand how many times I've cried in front of people. 100% of the time I'd always try to hold back
I'm seeing an increasing amount of women who will parrot at the top of their lungs that men need to express their emotions to stop from killing themselves to then immediately turn around and tell them to man up the second that they do.. or god forbid a man cry in front of them. The disgusting crap they will say the second that guy is out of the room AND THESE WOMEN HAVE FRIENDS THAT SUPPORT. The men DON'T - which is why they would even risk sharing emotions with them in the first place. I'm not talking about on some random online forum full of a bunch of horrible bile from anonymous people, I'm talking about IN PERSON real life interactions. I don't want this comment to come across like I'm piling on women or that I'm trying to excuse the crap that men do, but when a guy is being an asshole I hear from both men and women "He's an asshole", "He's an incel", "Men are assholes" and when a woman is being an asshole to men I hear mainly from women "Wow, men are assholes", "Men are weak", "She is struggling".
I hear you and that you havent had a great experience with sharing emotions in the past. Those people who didnt allow you to express them they are the one who have the problem not you. You need to surround yourself with better people who allow you to cry when you need same as laugh when you are happy. Now if you are sad all the time perhaps then its time to talk to someone not because there is something wrong with you but because therapists are trained to help you deal with that kind of sadness whereas a friend may not have the time or emotional energy. Your friends should support you and you should support them there needs to be a balance. I wish you luck
@@YoUtUbEhAnDlEsArEgReAt if a woman doesnt allow you to cry and bullies you then there is something wrong with that one woman. The issue comes when you equate assholes with an entire gender. I hear you that its upsetting and yes that is wrong no one should not be subject to bullying. Surround yourself with more emotionally mature people. Saying all women do this thing is not true i have never bullied any man ive been with and always support them. However i do have boundaries such as when i see a partner any partner man or woman struggling and i have done all i can to help them but they refuse to help themselves i can no longer support seeing my partner someone i care about refuse the help im offering and refuse to seek help or refuse help from others then its now no longer 50/50 support. That partner is leeching all my emotional energy and giving nothing back. So if it keeps happening that it feels like partners arent supportive its either surround yourself with emotionally mature people or become more emotionally mature so you arent the emotional leech. Both can be helped through therapy it helps you know what to look for and how to be in a healthy relationship. Blaming women doesnt help.
@@anitacrumbly I don't want people to think I am putting all blame on women, but I do want to call out and express some of the BS I have seen, heard and put up with in life. Women are people, capable of being assholes, and crappy actions should be called out regardless of their identity or genitalia. I've seen a lot more than a few specific people perpetuating this kind of disgusting but still socially acceptable behaviour. That's why I felt the need to make the comment.
When I was fired from my first job, my dad looked into why. He then basically said "Don't share your emotions at work, when someone asks how your day is going, just say 'good'."
@@hulamei3117He'd be doing ok at a German workplace. We never ask someone how their day was unless we actually want to know. Otherwise we just say hello. It's a cultural thing.
@@diarmuidkuhle8181 I'm British and when we learned German at school we were taught to ask "wie gehts?" Is it considered unusual to ask as part of a casual greeting?
Love this commentary on the lack of socially acceptable male intimacy. Everyone needs to feel cared for and accepted. There's absolutely nothing unmasculine about having loved ones and showing them affection. We're primates. We literally *need* physical touch. We're making guys sick by not letting them need and get community care. Being tough and resilient is one form of strength, but letting yourself care for others, receive care, and show affection is another form of strength. It's just as bold to let yourself have those connections as it is to challenge someone to a fight.
I mean... in a culture where challenging someone to a fight is wayyy more socially accepted than many forms of male intimacy, it is MORE bold and brave to have those connections.
One thing I love about LOTR is how JRR Tolkien portraits male friendships. He actually enjoyed that type of male connection with his dear friends he lost in the war.
Agreed... I went to soooo many professionals, they didn't help with anything career-related or any kind of compliment or hug. I feel like I need both of those at least the same as reflecting on my patterns. It's kinda understandable that they don't do that, I'm just saying that it's a massive field they're completely blind to and wonder why their approach doesn't help that much. One reason I kinda liked the pandemic was because how regularly I was asked for my ID or to show my full face and being told I looked young for 26... other than that only girlfriends ever complimented or hugged me.
"Maybe, in our fear and stigmatisation of homosexuality, we as men have lost something in the process. We have lost our ability to stand and proclaim our love for one another as friends and comrades. We're so scared of how we appear that we've reduced ourselves to emotionally stunted husks. Look, I'm not here to preach, but maybe if each of us told a homie that we genuinely care about them, maybe we couldn't be half as depressed and pathological as we are right now." Sseth Tzeentach.
As a woman, I used to be a very huggy person. I hugged hello to strangers, even. I stopped when I realized all of the men I was hugging in a friendly way for some reason decided that a friendly hug meant I wanted to fuck them. I wasn't trying to be a "tease" or mislead anyone. That's just how I communicated friendliness and platonic affection.
I also used to be more of a hugger, but as an adult woman I always feel hesitant or unsure when it comes to hugs because I don't want to give someone the wrong idea. I would be totally on board with giving friends and colleagues more friendly physical affection but I don't want to be seen as unprofessional or worse, interested in more than friendship.
As a guy I too used to enjoy hugs until my elementary school classmates started calling me gay. But if I try to hug girls then I'm being creepy. Now I meet nice huggy kids sometimes and I want spare them the pain that I went through but if I do then I'm a pedo. Plus like ya'll said, being denied it for so long, I can't help but interpret any physical affection from a pretty girl as super intimate. I was literally trained by society to keep everyone at arms length, and then they have the gall to ask me why I can't form meaningful relationships. So yeah, touch starvation is real, 20+ years and counting. How do we make the world a safer place for hugz?
@@pejakwopes954 this is such a good question. Consent is definitely important and I sometimes forget to ask for it when I get excited. Maybe I'll try opening my arms and ask, "do you want a friend hug?" and see what the other person says. If not, maybe I'll offer a friendly handshake and briefly put my hand on top to make it feel a little warmer. If they don't want to do that, then I'll just say, "I understand! It was so nice talking to you, take care." Gives people options for what they're comfortable with and lets them know it's friendly, not a show of interest. I usually do tight hugs so people know I really mean it, but only a couple of seconds long so they don't get creeped out.
@@joshuachesney7552 haha congratulations to you both!! Every once in a while, two people do decide to take things further but I'm guessing there were many other green light signals besides the hug, right?
45min mark is the single greatest Dr. K rant I have ever witnessed in the dozens of hours I've spent watching his videos. Don't usually watch the full streams but glad I didn't skip this one.
Your comment kept me focused for a further 20 minutes to get there naturally. I was howling with laughter once he put on the accent. Thanks for pointing it out
1:57:00 The hating studying part...I remember the reason why I really hated school and studying was because teachers and lecturers started instilling fear for not being enough (like if you don't study hard enough, you are going to get an F and your life is going to be shitty) I really hated that...and thinking about the disappointment in life. So what i really did...was failed a lot actually and I got comfortable with failing (at one point I think for an entire semester I literally had like 4 Fs, was I shitty? yes? but after that, i was like eh wasn't bad anyway), and because of that, I just started liking the idea of learning (at least my school stuff) from there I built my own interest in the subjects and then started asking myself how would I like this. From then I was obviously getting my grades up from F to a C to a B and A on my research thesis finishing waay earlier than my peers cause I really did liked the topic I was working on. From then till now, I still enjoy learning about all those things...something I am sure a lot of my peers don't do and I am really proud of myself for getting into that mindset.
I was at a park a week ago, and I was helping my daughter (3 years old) climb the bars and go down the slides, and there was a boy around her age and he was getting upset because he wanted help and my daughter said "My daddy can help you like he helps me". That poor boy looked at me so happy that I would help him but just across the playground was his mother watching me like I was some kind of predator and it broke my heart to tell him I can't help him and he should ask his mom. The mom just watched and didn't ingage until her son was audibly sobbing while attempting to climb the bars. He just wanted to play with us...
@@excalibro8365 it's not appropriate to touch other people's children that you don't know. I get what you're saying, but it's cultural and in america unfortunately that's just not ok anymore. Probably due to the rampant pedophilia and kidnapping that's happened for decades
That's really sad. I played with two boys (brothers, i think 7 and 5 or something like that) for a whole afternoon while their mom sat nearby talking to other people. And they had so much energy, it was exhausting but i couldn't stop for at least a few hours bc it seemed like one of the few times an adult actually took the time to play with them. As in help them onto the swing, help them resolve the kind of conflicts that come up between siblings on a playground just basic paying attention. It's been over 10 years and i haven't seen them again but i still sometimes think about them.
I didn't actually start overcoming trauma until this year and I'm almost 30. I have ALOT of years of emotional neglect from my parents, plus added pressure on top. Plus my stepmom from the early 2000's- 2011 treated me like garbage and really ruined my self-confidence, instead putting an emphasis on perfectionism. So, for some of us, not even our 20's were able to save us from our trauma. Hoping, at least for me, my 30's will go much better.
Yeah it took me until age 31 to really start the real unpacking the childhood trauma and start the real growth journey. I'm 34 now and my life is pretty great.
I tuned it right at the Male intimacy rant, and oh boy did that hit hard. I felt like I was being described and it made me feel so grateful that Dr. K makes these videos. I just wanted to say to all the other men out there struggling, we got this! We can get thru this, and get that life for ourselves. Forever grateful for this life :)
As someone with alexithymia and wasn't at all educated on neurodivergent behavior and symptoms (other than the common stereotypes) this channel has been the single greatest thing in helping me understand myself and help lay out a path on how to get better. I'm glad you're aware of how much you're helping the community Dr. K. Your quote from @29:42 - @30:24 is what I'm speaking of. Thank you so much for what you and your team do for the community.
The title pic is so true. I spent most of my childhood and adolescence in extreme stress from an alcoholic dad and npd manipulative mom and poverty that had our lights constantly shut off, while also trying to maintain a high academic standard with my parents sort of pressuring me that I was supposed to grow up and get the whole family out of poverty. Now I'm in my mid 30s with a decade long career, my dad has overcome the alcoholism and helps deal with my mom's issues and she has tentatively started therapy, my grandma moved in and helps pay the bills so nobody is reliant on me alone, and we are currently working through some fun home renovations. I'm happier now than I ever was in my youth.
Oh man i'm crying hearing your story about the patient who told you he loved you. It's so unfair, the cold approach we take to mental health treatment. I'm grateful you two were able to express that mutual care. With a good therapist how can you not grow to care for them as a human being? It doesn't always cross professional boundaries into something inappropriate. It should be judged on a case by case basis and I'm so grateful you were able to talk to your supervisor about it and keep it appropriate while still finding a way to express that care.
2 things, you can really tell he loves doing this and we feel it, and second that he is literally saving lives. He's always so compassionate, funny, and intelligent. I stan
Okay, more seriously: I’ve been part of a historical reenactment group for about a decade, but I recently got my husband into the hobby as well. And one thing he keeps commenting on is how freely everyone touches each other, both compared to other Americans and to his home country (which has a smaller personal space bubble than people in the US, something he’s also commented on before). I’d never noticed before, because a lot of my friend groups have always been very physical. But now that I’m aware of it, he’s right. People in this group-including the men-hug each other, casually touch each other, sit practically on top of each other, wrestle, fix each other’s clothing, and so on. People in that group have their own issues (we have a disproportionate number of neurodivergent folks), but being touch starved isn’t one of them. Bring it back! Casual touch is nice!
I dealt through family bankruptcy, depression, anxiety, relation traumas, a brain tumour (aganglioglioma of 2 inches), the pandemics, two motorized vehicles crashes, drugs related problems with family members, assassination of two of my dogs, familiars sudden deaths, close people suicide attempts.. all this through 16-21 years. After 3 years of relatively calm life and a tremendous effort i am starting to see the bright light but i feel i ve missed so much and suffered without meaning. I can not change the past but i won't suffer anymore, don't matter what my life from the 25's and on will be fantastic, i will work hard but it won't be the most important thing in my life.
Thanks, I gave up on pursuing a PhD and accepted what life offered to me so now i am consulting in nuclear sísmic engineering, not my passion but great people and enough money
@@Tipheret thanks, still struggling with chronic paint which will condition my life but I am strong, training again and trying to be sound financially although I know I will have it rough to achieve financial freedom and som sort of calm in my life
when i used to think this problem was just me so no one did anything about it because they dont care about one person but then we find out its everyone and no one does anything about it until theyre finally forced to because they simply cant ignore it anymore.. so many warm fuzzy feelings inside that god loves me and we got this...
I was a small boy, and saw my dad first time cry and only time that I know of, when his mother died. He let out a tear and blowed into a handkerchief. That was the only time I saw him cry, and he is over 60 now. I remember being surprised that I see him cry, as it was something I did not see before or after.
I try to make physical contact with the homies all the time. Hugs, shoulder squeezes, head scratches, all that shit. There has been a concerted effort from some of us to start hugging when greeting or leaving. I think our group is tigher even though we dont see eachother all the time, but simply because we hug. It sounds weird but it grows bonds and makes seeing eachother more impactful.
I feel like in recent years there has definently been an effort to destigmatize it. You hear words like "bromance" and "bros before hoes" etc. thrown around a lot more, and it goes along with openly talking about physical touch and even affection towards their guy friends. I get that it's mostly jokes, but it's a step in the right direction to be able to even jokingly do something like that. Eventually that joke turns into seriousness.
@@Unkn4wN_TMIt's also just a lot healthier, not just for male friendships but for relationships with women. Because way too many men completely overburden women emotionally for this reason ; we're taught that the ONLY appropriate context in which to give and receive ANY kind of physical affection is that of a romantic / sexual relationship. And then the girlfriend or wife is stuck with having to be everything, single-handedly fulfilling all her partner's physical and emotional needs because he's not getting any of it met elsewhere.
My son is 5 and really struggles to function in school because of emotional regulation (and he doesn't even get much screen time) and while I also have him in therapy the school has a social worker there to ALSO learn the skills and I'm so greatful because he is pretty good with the skills at home because I know the signs he's getting dysregulated but I can't be there to help him at school. I hope more schools and school boards also implement something like this to help with the students. He's not even the only kid in his class like this.
I love your content! However, sometimes it feels weird as a woman that I identity so strongly with these "men's issues" regarding lack of social support and platonic affection.
Not surprising. I'm sure it's hitting women too, just different in the details. Blame Immanuel Kant and the idea of "the thing in itself" (look up a video called "Feminism is Feminist Gnosticism"). The idea that it led to is that liberation lies in freeing ourselves from all external influence, because if we let society tell us who we are, even a little bit, we're still stuck in a mental/ spiritual prison. Paradoxical that this was taken up by "socialists" that claim that "man is a species being," then, right?
I relate to this so much. As a woman I come from a small family that is loving, but not that physically affectionate. Until I got into a relationship I was very touch starved and there are so many aspects of community too that are easy to miss out on.
Also.. don't forget that mens are also doctor's primary demographic - since it's all started in gaming community. And. Well. Even though a lot the women play games we all know how "welcoming" this gaming communities to us.
I really just want to peacefully exist, but my whole life it's been "STUDY! WORK! DON'T EXPRESS YOURSELF!" I'm sure most guys understand the feeling. I knew a girl who killed herself when we were about 16 and her reason was because she couldn't stand the horrors of the world and the older I get the more I understand it. The awful things humans do to each other, to animals, to the planet, who in their right mind would CHOOSE to live here? At this very moment untold horrors are happening and we're all supposed to just... work. Thanks for this video Dr. K, at the very least you remind me that I'm not alone. Keep up the incredible work.
I think a strong part in talking about male touch and contact, is that not only does it lead to dumping when that contact is made, but because that contact is seen to some degree something to do with a sexual nature. So anytime it comes about it immediately gets connected to that, than just simply what it is.
It's wild to me how human beings have built cultures and sub-cultures whose memes and expectations actually run counter to our survival, core instincts, and best interests as a species.
All of my childhood, teens and early 20s were spent with two drug addicted, alcoholic parents. I didn’t have anyone else. I couldn’t afford to live alone. To say the least I was incredibly depressed and highly suicidal. Now, at 30, im just now discovering joy and what life can be like outside of chaos. For the first time in my life I get to try out various hobbies, and I’m learning about the things that I enjoy doing. Life at 30 isn’t perfect, but it is better than it has ever been. Can’t wait to see what the rest will be like.
35F single, and when they are talking about men like this I just could imagine my future spouse being so sad and lonely. Like I think about his mental health and what it must be like for him right now. Wonder if I will find him one day. I hope men can support him and love him until we meet.
A had a boyfriend like this. And honestly it was so frustrating because I did not know how to draw him out (bad past experiences, etc., it`s not important) and just had to watch him be miserable. It sucked! I really hope he is happier in his new relationship because I really could not do him any justice.
A lot of us are broken by the time we reach our thirties. We become absent minded, cynical, husks of former men. Years of emotional neglect and being expected to "man up" by everyone, of not being deemed worthy of attention unless we are seen as able to provide materialistically. I've went through a small depression partly due to this. And it made me sad and bitter. I would not want to be a girl dating me at this period of my life, and yet, affection is what is needed to get out of this situation.
@@Specoups I feel that. But you know what I did when I had depression? Therapy. You know what I’m doing now being 30yo and cynic as hell? Therapy. But I also really don’t want to be in a relationship right now. Can’t do that to any potential partners 🫠😅
@@DieFarbeLila88 That can be an adequate solution for some individuals, those who can pay. However, if we want to fix the issue at the level of our society, therapy ain't gonna cut it.
I think a better thing to call “touching other dudes” would probably be something like “the homie hug”, something that directly attributes hugs as platonic rather than romantic
I find it interesting because everyone says they don't have physical touch with their friends because of society. I don't think it's just society, me oersonakly I'd feel uncomfortable touching my friend (platonically obviously) and I think he would yo so we don't do it.
Depends on where you live I bet because honestly not doing that is just weird to me and it’s the exact opposite where I live. Me and everyone I’m close to, family or friends all greet each other with a hug or handshake hug kind of thing, both male and female.
@@SukottoXYeah, but the reason you feel uncomfortable is all the homophobic crap you've been fed your whole life. You may not remember any specific instance, but that ideology of men touching other men being weird is there, and it affects you subconsciously whether you realise it or not. So it's not because someone outright tells you it's not okay to hug another guy, it's because the way men act indicates it's weird to do that, and even if nothing is verbally said, your subconscious picks it up between the lines
So glad someone is pointing out the relationship between this male intimacy gap and pervasive societal homophobia. Every time this topic comes up, people point out that "Every time men try to express intimacy we get called gay," and frequently propose that the solution to this is to somehow make everybody else stop thinking they might be gay. You will never be able to control other people's perceptions of you. Any solution that relies on that isn't a solution. What we can do is think long and hard about why it bothers us so much if someone else thinks we might be gay, and whether those reasons are fixable on a societal or individual level. Is it about being treated badly by society and other individual people if they think we might be gay? (hard to fix individually but there are steps we can take) Is there maybe some internalized homophobia we all need to be better at working through? At the end of the day, it doesn't matter whether two guys are hugging because they're in a romantic relationship or because they just need a hug. But if you're scared/disturbed/resentful/indignant that both of those scenarios might be seen and treated the same (negative) way, the actually attainable solution to that is working to eliminate our own internal prejudices (and larger societal prejudices) so that it really, truly, deeply doesn't matter. Insisting that other people need to differentiate between them is not only unattainable, it's also just piling on more unconscious homophobia: "People need to acknowledge and treat this differently when it's straight because gay people are treated badly and I deserve dignity and respect," is a homophobic approach to solving this problem. It's like the difference between responding to a homophobic slur by arguing that you're not gay vs. that the homophobia is not acceptable.
It bothers men if people think they might be gay because they don't want to be either discriminated against or outright murdered like Matthew Shepard. Hope that clarifies things a little.
@@CamphorousBut we can agree that both discrimination and murder are wrong? Continuing to reduce homophobia in society, and it has reduced a lot in the last 20 years, would help all men. Nobody should have to live in fear of homophobic violence or discrimination, whether or not they are gay.
To answer the question of dealing with pain in the present, I think about in detail what is causing the pain. Like if I try to exercise for once and start cramping up, I think about how the cells ran out of oxygen so now they are using anaerobic respiration and it's producing lactic acid. Or if I'm getting a shot I imagine the close-up image I've seen before of a needle and imagine how that shape is pushing aside my skin, and how my nervous system is picking up the needle and sending signals to my mind. The pain itself is a lot less unpleasant than the fear/panic of what the pain could mean, and times when I know exactly what the pain means are the times it was much less unpleasant for me.
Ngl, I agree For some reason, knowing exactly what’s happening and understanding it makes whatever is happening less worse- because by chance, I’ll know how to fix it
That whole skit of: "pay me 5.99 and we'll hack your brain" was SOO FUNNY! XD I was laughing so hard, it took me a solid minute or two to recover! Edit: god bless, someone in the comments already had the timestamp - 44:58
For nausea and physical pain, the secret is only to not fight it and not to make more of it than there is. There is no way to make it go away, but there are ways to just let it be what it is until it passes, and thus not make it worse.
i came up with a technique that worked for me when i needed to cry, usually all the feelings of frustrations would build up in my chest and when i needed to let them out, for some reason it just felt disconnected from my logical , identity side . so what i did was, i visualised, the ball of emotion, in my chest, physically moving up , slowly, through my throat, up my face and right behind my eyes. it felt like it transferred some of the emotion from my chest to my eyes and helped my cry a little.
I know that is the exact opposite of what we are trying to achieve here, but do you happen to have a tip on how NOT to cry? Because I cry in front of people and I get judged for it. People call me manipulative and all I`m thinking is, that I don`t want to manipulate anybody, I`m just upset. But because of this stupid stereotype of women crying on purpose in order to manipulate others, I get put on the spot for something I can not controll. Even a psychiatrist I went to, accused me of doing it subconsciously in order to manipulate. Like - WHAT?! I need help here 😂
@DieFarbeLila88 I personally just visualized the tears receding into my eyes. As with most everything else though, I’m now having to relearn how to cry, so the og comment is useful. Thanks for sharing!
As someone who's not from America, I just realised, America is FUCKED. Holy shit man, i knew it was pretty bad but, wow. Like, I didn't know that brotherly love has become non existent and stuff. Wow
I mean... The Netherlands aren't as fucked as America is, but mental issues are probably the same here. Maybe nor exactly the same, but like... The stigmas at least seem to be the same.
The internet made me realize at a very young age just how grateful I should be for having a family where everyone hugs everyone lovingly... I still have to go a day without hearing that I'm loved, without getting a good morning hug, and wholeheartedly saying it back. I'm 30, with a husband, a job and planning to have children, and I still hear that from people older than me. I don't know how to describe how I feel about knowing that it is not the norm in most families except that... It makes me feel like I have a permanent cold spot in my chest and my stomach sinks whenever I think about it. It sounds... So cold? Or foggy? Like platonic love for your family members is just this thing that one should see through a glass most of their lives, almost like it's romanticized. Everyone deserves to know it feels to be loved unconditionally. It changes you. It changes the way you think.
It exists. You just have to join the military. Male intimacy is only socially acceptable here when violence and possible death is involved. Crying and hugging other dudes is only not gay when you just watched your buddy bleed out.
dr k reignited my faith on psychology.Been dealing with bad professionals for at least 10 years, glad they did help me on my issues but not without wasting time and money but i know a lot of people that lost their faith (and couldnt afford treatment) on the profession.
When I was growing up, kids behaved exactly as the band director described. Technology was barely a thing back then. Most kids didn’t have cell phones. So I don’t think technology is really to blame. I’m sure it doesn’t help, but I don’t think it’s the cause. Thinking back on the kids I can remember that were most unruly…it seems like those were the kids who had parents that tried to be their friend instead of parents and/or they were from broken homes and starved for attention.
I think the nail in the head was when she said that her friends said that band students were most well behaving ones, implying that these are NOT the most unruly children in that school yet. The word you were looking for was probably "kids whose parents spoiled them" instead of "kids whose parents tried to be their friend", cuz I don't know if I'm biased but basically 'being my friend' was my mom's parenting method and I was kinda among the quietest student, or at least never even thought of the idea of vandalizing stuff.
Yea, i mean, i dont see technology as an issue in that regard. For all we know, that teacher went to some posh school. Also, when she was young, it might have been legal to hit kids, so no shit they would be mire behaved
The kids were the exact same way in my school too, before there were cell phones. They threw desks around, screamed, got in *huge* brawls, called the teachers names, threatened to shoot me, and did all kinds of shit. They were animals and it had *nothing* to do with technology.
Abusive and neglectful parenting is on the rise, also because of technology. They're just as addicted, and learning truly vile "parenting tricks" which are simply abuse repacked as "tough love". I've only met one truly spoiled person in my life ... All the others that were called spoiled were just victims of more insidious abuse. We *KNOW* social media is at the heart of this problem. Something similar may have happened back then but we know for a fact now that social media is among our primary culprits. We know because the kids know and are telling us, because it tracks with what we know about psychology. We need to get it under control though.
Hugging is bizarre because when someone decides to give me a real, honest to go heartfelt hug it's a feeling I can't describe, but then initiating a hug feels... wrong? Maybe it's just because I'm a big guy. I do understand the other comments from women about how men take hugging the wrong way but from my personal experience, I understand the men too. So many men, like me, are so starved that a hug is like jumpstarting the intimacy progression of the relationship, you're immediately like 'holy shit that was so amazing I want to cry, I must keep this person around somehow'.
I just wish that when trying to "keep this person around" they'd just continue being my friend instead of trying to date me. It saddens me that a hug is such an anomaly that guys jump to romance, I don't blame them though. The state of society ain't our faults we've just inherited it, but I do think we can at least work to change our corner. So I still give everyone hugs, cuz when it's normalized amongst the whole friend group then everyone's happier and they don't focus in on me :)
@@sprigganpandaIt's also completely a cultural thing. There's entire countries where this is not an issue. Certainly also prejudice against male homosexuality absolutely plays a role. I say male specifically because gay women exist, but absolutely nobody immediately assumes two women are an item when they hug. Unfortunately many women also have double standards. On the one hand they complain that men don't share their emotions or can't show vulnerability, but the instant a guy cries about anything that's not a literal funeral, then he's a wuss.
Dr. K.... I love you so much... Everything you talk about seems so topical to my life. Your most current videos always hit on the most important topics that I'm going through in life.. Thank you so much Dr. K. I am super happy that you are so dedicated to teaching people to understand their emotions, why they feel them and what to do in order to deal with them in the most effective and positive way.
And most adults will probably tell you that you know nothing about nothing until about 30 years old and you’ll continue saying you knew nothing back then the older you get. It’s an experience for sure.
1:59:22 Imagining myself in the future where my suffering is over is my conscious coping mechanism. I know the future will become my present, and the current present will be left in the past, and I'll feel relieved and thankful that it's over, and it'll just be a thought or memory then. I try to mentally be there, rather than too present in my current suffering. I think it works, and I don't see it as a bad thing. Being very aware that the current state is temporary, like being sick and throwing up, or emotionally hurt, any situation I really want to escape, makes it slightly more bearbale. And it makes me more grateful for the present (in the future lol) because I was looking forward to it, and remember how badly I wanted to be there.
The part about male suicide and touch starvation made me cry. I cannot imagine how horrible it is to be starved of human touch. But I can feel the pain that it causes.
Same! I've experienced relatively-mild touch starvation during some periods of my life, and I can only imagine what it's like to be even more isolated and starved for intimacy for even longer periods of time.
I can count on one hand how many times I've been hugged by someone who wasn't my brother or sister for the last 28 years. You just get used to feeling isolated after a while. I remember crying when I got a hug last year. It was such an alien feeling.
on the touch starved thing. I lived alone for 8+ years before coming across the vrchat furry community. I very quickly learned that they like to touch. giving headpats, bely rubs, cuddling. and even though it's not real physical touch, I've noticed my mental state began to get better when I started joining in on this. my favorite thing now is to jump into a big cuddle pile with friends and just watch movies or talk about stuff.
That "starving dog" analogy hits home so much. I think many of us felt that way. I got a kind smile and small talk from a random girl at the grocery store and that alone won me over completely, so I kept coming back for that drug for months, until she realised what's going on, I guess, and started to look through me. Probably thought me a creep - and I probably was. When you're given what you didn't even know you were missing and wasn't consciously looking for, that ounce of affection, the pleasure of being seen and taken interest in, and then have it taken away - it hurts more than it has any right to. I wish that starving dog never got petted.
1:12:23 I just realized that Chobits predicted this future... It's a romance anime featuring in which the main girl is an android, and it's super common for people to fall in love with their androids, and traditional human/human relationships are falling out of favor as people fall in love with their human-shaped computers instead.
About learning to cry...My parents in the 1970s "stop crying before I really give you something to cry about". So the options were continue crying and get hit or stop and shut down my feelings.
In LGBTQ+ spaces (at least the ones I’ve been to) it’s become more common since the pandemic ask for a hug / ask if can have a hug (usually on arriving, leaving, and in emotional moments). This is done with the understanding of a culture of consent (no is no, hesitancy is no, anything other than enthusiastic consent is no, and if the person does not consent that you remain respectful and kind to them). Being around this after a few times helps everyone feel safe because they know that their bodily autonomy is respected.
When I was young, my dad told me that he wouldn't hug me after the age of 14 for fear of being called gay. I didn't understand why until I grew up. I don't know how we got here but something does need to change.
Nobody’s looking out for teachers and that’s wild. If you gonna tell people in response to any problem that they knew what they signed up for, eventually they’ll either start doing bare minimum to keep the job out of the straight necessity or plain resign. And we’re having these talks about the most vital fields, like medicine and education
I really liked 44:58 To 48:50 where you acted out the character and then joked about wanting the Netflix show. I think it has potential for getting good views if you uploaded it as a clip from the livestream. Also I screen recorded it so I can watch it later. 😊
Man I thought he was just going to deep-dive into some memes about ADHD or anxiety, but instead I'm now extremely concerned for my future career as a teacher. The entire first clip and Dr. K's discussion around it made my heart sink. It's an extremely tough pill to swallow knowing I am going to be struggling with things similar to that teacher.
As someone who has a mom who's a teacher, this person was definitely working at a bad school. Currently, the biggest issue I've heard and seen from my mom and her colleagues and the few other teachers I've spoken to is the parents. And it's been that way for the better part of almost 2 decades. As much as technology definitely has had an impact on kids, a massive part of what's going on, especially with kids who misbehave, is parents that absolutely refuse to implement punitive measures for bad behavior and positive reinforcement for good ones. My mom has literally had to argue with parents who vehemently denied that their kid would ever do anything bad, as their kid is literally jumping off the walls next to them. Parents think their child is an angel even when they're the definition of hell on earth. If you're working at a normal school, your biggest problem isn't going to be the kids; it's going to be the parents.
That is the one good thing about paranoia and bpd-splitting: when everyone else around you is your enemy anyway, you are too busy surviving to feel the need for hugs or being held....
Last time I cried was during a father and son scene in mushoku tensei. I was moved by the sincerity. My ex wife saw me and said I was rediculous. I've had moments since then where I've been teary but not cried. I wonder why.
So far, I've met 1 (that's ONE) professional who referred me to a mental health professional. Everyone else told me to just talk to my parents, find a proper hobby, find a husband etc... Everyone agreed that as I'm intellectually gifted, I don't need any help with my mental health because I'm just lazy. I don't know how I would have found proper help without my mom's outburst about my diagnosis (high iq, therefore lazy af, and ADHD)
I've concluded.... crying is an emergent property!!! I 100% agree it's sooo hard to create the conditions but one of the things that helps me most is music. We all have crying songs! And giving myself time and space to grieve, in the morning is good. I also mean to watch sad movies but never seem to get around to it. 100% cry killer = trying too hard obvs. TBH I often imagine a spiritual figure because you're right, it's hard to cry alone -- but I have so much shame about crying in front of others. There's a couple Jack Kornfield recorded meditations about lovingkindness towards self that sometimes help me as well, but letting go of results is key. Also, I have an amazing body doubling community now and I seem to cry a lot more because the "superregulating system" is giving me more capacity for emotional processing.
I was saying my goodbyes to the guys I was hanging out with and oke of the girls hanging out with us said "it's funny to see how guys hug" I was initially annoyed and insulted, but I now see that poor hugging skills are way too common for men for real, unfortunate reasons
Dr.K slightly panicking while lecturing chat about the value of trust in order to avoid having his speech about being an expert in impregnating his wife clipped might be one of the very best things I’ve seen in my life.
It drives me a little insane that we can have the (correct imho) analysis of how technology drives and cultivates these impulses, but we can't openly have the discussion of why. Why is technology designed this way, what is the purpose of having it this way and not any other way.. but as soon as the answer gets more and more "capitalism" people cringe and gaslight themselves into thinking it's not that.
I think that the designers of addictive tech are driven by "likes", just like the rest of us; money is what allows them to focus on doing that, giving us what we tell them we like.
@@sarahsovereign4522 All that just seems to point in the same direction with extra steps. Why are designers paid to design addictive tech? Why would they be driven by likes (not even sure what you mean by that)? Also when did we tell the designers we wanted tech that would exploit the chemical weaknesses of our brains for money? Tech that is readily available to minors as well?
I was so confused when the first video started playing and then you started talking over it, to the point that I skipped ahead until it stopped. Your streams aren’t usually that chaotic, so I had a feeling something was up. Talk about having your point made for you!! 😂
I am a sociology student and the first book we've read was 'Suicide' by Durkheim. It is a 1897 (!) book and it points out that suicide is more often caused by social issues rather than mental issues. The book is very interesting and I highly recommend it to anyone interested in the topic, although you have to keep in mind how old is it. At places, it aged poorly but at it's core is classic
Oh my god. It just clicked. Not only is life a multiplayer game, it's a team game, and even the vast majority of people who realize it's a team game are playing with a fraction of the ideal number of teammates. Most people are alone and run solo, some people actually have things together at least somewhat and run squads and then the seemingly unobtainable level of success is gained when you run in a tribe, a guild, an alliance- Not just happiness, but also overall success correlates with the health of someone's social life. THAT'S why the main determining factor in people's lifespans is their relationships- It all makes sense now- THAT'S WHY I'M SCREWED, but I don't have to be.
Yet why limit your self to the present the place you can never truly be for any length of time? Like I'm a Boarderline Eternal meaning the past, presnt and future mean the same to me. But I put all my focus in the future so I can make it the best it can be... Like I get living in the moment ocasnally but I usually bank it for later or take a picture if it's important... Like if you do it all the time your ether just surviving or your like eating cake for every meal.
@@GreenBlueWalkthrough Everyone is different. Living in the present for you might elicit the experience you described. For many others, it doesn’t. Whatever works for you, then do it.
When I was in Chile, men hugged each other as a part of their culture. For 9 months there, my need for physical touch was fulfilled. When a local described US citizens, they said we were cold. That has been a very accurate description still. I hope one day the US will realize how much hugs are necessary for mental health
I have a funny/sad story about i was crying in a train, because i have my first day at apprenticeship and it was gruesome. The People there was like: "We don't care about you, and if you need help, haha help yourself." They let me sit alone in the room, on the work, they dont want me in this work, but i really wanna do that work. I was hard crying in front of the whole train and phone my mum and explain it, everyone hear that and i think understand it. Then a man came to my side and only sit there really close. On the diagonal there was girls that look me very bad and make fun of me. If i do a stupid thing or something. This man look the girls with soooo much hatred. "Why they dont understand that" was his look like. He really protect me from this girls without any words. I think i thanks the man and leave the train. But i show the socity what i thinking about that. And yes i have a happyend, i get trough the apprenticeship, thanks god, and go to another work.
Glad to have come across this video! As a younger person who has a long attention span, it really helps me to understand the struggles so many of my generation are experiencing that i don't understand. I got a smartphone in highschool, and everybody else i knew got then in middle school. It's helpful to learm ways to empathize and try to be a good influence on my fellow human beings!! And also, comforting to know whats going on. Having a long attention span as a 20 something is a damn lonely feeling at times
Damn, when I was a kid NOBODY pulled that kind of shit in band class! Our parents would have literally killed us and then brought us back from the dead so they could ground us. And then we would hear about it all the rest of our lives until our parents died, and then we would hear about it when the will was read. I hope parents get this internet addiction shit figured out.
Physical punishment would not have the intended effect in today's environment. It may have worked in the past but not with the existential dread that everyone has. We've just got nothing to gain, and nothing to lose.
@@SahnigReingeloetet the question is, when will that be. I have seen so many TIRED parents that don`t have the energy anymore to fight with their kids over wether or not they can have daddy’s Tablett to play a game. It`s sad to watch really :(
@@SahnigReingeloetetI got my first phone the last year of elementary school. Because I didn't NEED one, and that way, I had a year to practice and get used to using it before I'd also need it for middle school (my schedule and all)
I'm a millennial - I was born in 1990 but you know, the first 10 years of life are whatever, it's not like you can really do or understand anything, so I relate more to the 2000 era people. God, he was so right on that mark about us being given an outdated recipe for success. I ALMOST went to college, but thank God I'm so good at procrastinating. After high school I said, I'm gonna take a one year break, and then after two or three years, other people of my age group started discovering that college wasn't increasing their job opportunities or pay at all - AT ALL -. From there on, the rest is history. We also found that houses would be out of our reach and inflation was already increasing. We were doomed to wage slavery right away and for nothing to look forward to. And then we had kids. And they're MORE fucked than we are! Forgive me if this seems uhh, doomer, but I don't think anything's going to change from protests and shit. The people up top don't care about anything below their level. Why would they? They care about us as much as we care about an ant beneath our feet. I'm afraid that nothing's going to change without bloodshed.
@@jakesmith-bs4jd I just got work, went to wal-mart. And then a local grocer at a later date. A woman at the cashier had gone to college, too, and she wound up in the same place as me.
Agreed. The worst is that voting doesn't matter, at least in the western world. Sure you should and it's good to pick the lesser evil but we're fucked anyway, they won't solve any issues we're suffering from because a few with money profit off of it that pay them... AND THATS LEGAL.
"The purposeless massacres perpetrated since the June and October events, the tedious offering of sacrifices since February and March, the very cannibalism of the counterrevolution will convince the nations that there is only one way in which the murderous death agonies of the old society and the bloody birth throes of the new society can be shortened, simplified and concentrated, and that way is revolutionary terror." That's been the plan of our enlightened moral superiors since at least 1840. Create chaos so they (whoever "they" really are) can come in, take absolute control in the aftermath, and have us thanking them for it.
There is a reason you never hear about friendly fire in self defense shooting situations. Responsible people who carry a firearm for self defense (and defense and protection of public) are taught to use maximum restraint when engaging a bad guy. Common sense and situational awareness goes a long way in ensuring friendly fire situations are extremely rare
Generally a mass shooting happens because it's a drive by or in a single room like a store. Where the shooter is quite clearly the only person in the middle of an area with everyone else ducking for cover.
Wow yup my animals are 100% the only reason I’m still in the game. Also a lot of women are taught similar things about crying being a weakness. I was disconnected from my emotions for a loooong time. Crying means you’re emotional and probably having that time of the month. Means you’re over reacting, irrational, too sensitive. Girl friends say showing him your vulnerability is “letting them see you sweat” implying that’s something you never want to do. I believed that for the first 20+ years of my life. Only 33 now but I still grapple with that because on one hand it’s unfortunately very true. Showing your vulnerabilities to someone who is not safe (a narcissist) gives them the chance to throw them back at you later as ammo. Narcissists ALWAYS do that. To narcissistic parents, crying is a guilt trip. They will get defensive and feel attacked because they can’t play the victim if you’re crying. They’ll actually accuse you of playing the victim. If you cry, you’re unreasonable, unrealistic, dramatic and hysterical. Theyll invalidate your feelings and instead of taking accountability for doing or saying something awful that caused the hurt feelings, they’ll dismiss you entirely and say “it’s just impossible to have a conversation with you”. And that premise will forever color their perception and they’ll blame & shame you for “making them walk on eggshells”. every little issue will be automatically swept under the rug while resentment and contempt build. Builds in the kid because they’re never heard, their feelings are dismissed and they’re gaslit, wondering what’s wrong with them. The parent builds resentment due to one of their many delusional beliefs that anything they do to repair things would just result in an emotional hysterical response which justifies their decision to not try and gives them an excuse to be emotionally unavailable and not only do they never ask how the kid is feeling but they never believe the kids feelings are coming from a valid place. Therefore they have no other option but to avoid, gaslight, minimize, stonewall, redirect, etc etc. Can you tell I’m speaking from personal experience here? 😅😅😅shocker I know 😊 Sure it’s commonplace for men to be taught these things but I wonder if it’d be even more helpful to dig into the parents that teach us this and why these parents are SO pervasive and common globally in every culture, country, society. It’s astounding to me how prevalent NPD is and how emotionally stupid people are especially in the older generations. Millennial parents are doing the work to heal their trauma and not letting the generational cycle of abuse continue once again. I can’t believe so many generations decided it was okay to neglect and abuse your kids because their parents did it to them. It makes no sense how they failed to learn from their upbringing. They’ll know how abuse and shaming doesn’t help in changing behavior . Didn’t teach them any lessons. Only had negative impacts on them. But they refuse to even acknowledge let alone stop the cycle
I'm becoming convinced that mental illness is often just intelligence that causes loneliness, seeing things for what they really are and knowing how much better they could be, and never seeing any sign of that same understanding in other people. Like I feel so much energy and so much emotional depth to offer to people, but there's never anyone there to receive it cause they either shut themselves off as well or they don't understand what I'm saying.
I feel you. I often wish I could just enjoy things for what they are instead of seeing through them. I'm using daily meditation practice to try and accept how things are and control my thoughts. It's helped a bit
We have a word for it in german... Weltschmerz or "world pain" meaning, well, suffering because the world sucks. It absolutely does and most people seem to cope with ignorance. The best example I have are these crypto libertarians working shitty 9-5 believing they'll make it and it's fair that billionaires barely pay taxes because they're so great for society. No you won't.
@@idontcare9041 the solution is to promote more self made millionaires. not tear them out of hate. we need 100 times more billionaires . a common man should have 10% chance to be a millionaire
Being convinced that your mnd "sees things for what they really are" and not ever questioning your understanding of things is very dangerous and may be a premise of mental sickness. You certainly need a distance to your thoughts and beliefs.
That isn't true at all. The fear isn't being called gay by Society or whoever. It's the perception of the person you're hugging. It's actually the same reason why women don't hug men. If you hug a man who is not a family member or an extremely close friend in our society, it is assumed to be romantic. You run a real risk that the man you're hugging will think you're flirting with him. If that happens, you risk that dude catching gay romantic feelings and then you have to end the friendship because you want different things out of it, or the other dude thinks you might be catching feelings and you have to end it for that reason. It's stupid but that's the boundary that exists that Dr. K is talking about. There might be an additional layer of homophobia as well in older people or in certain regions, but even without the homophobia there's still an obstacle.
You know whats funny? The RUclips/TicTok engineers that made their video recommendation algorithm don't have a clue as to what the internal features its optimizing for are. Its literally machine learning. Its figured out how to optimize for each individual person based on its understanding of that person. Terrifying that an algorithm can understand humans so well.
In the immortal words of Kratos: What I was is not what you will be. For the sake of our children, we must be better. Goddamn topical for that first video
The touching part is so real. Few days ago i had a dream, and this girl on the dream came to me and touched me in the face, i could feel her hand and suddenly i woke up. That was huge, i mean, i felt really good. It wasnt even a sexual thing, it was just a touch.
Watching this 4 months after the upload I've come to the conclusion I'm broken in some deep way. I did cry, but not at the crying part, but when dr. K was talking about sex. I don't subscribe to the incel philosophy, but I've spent most of my life never experiencing reciprocated romantic interest or attraction. Just listening to him talk about it makes me feel this sense of dread that I will never experience that kind of intimacy. I know that it's possible, but I just don't know where to start or how to actually do it. I feel unlovable, because I've literally done it all: personal growth (maybe a little too much, honestly), hobbies (dancing, singing, piano, theatre, language learning), therapy. I'm in great shape, usually in a decent headspace (unless my thoughts get here). I've achieved quite a bit and made a lot of progress within myself, but honestly that just makes it worse. Believing it to be possible and yet out of my reach is even worse than just thinking it's impossible, because I feel this pressure to just do SOMETHING to effectuate it, but I don't know what. This has soured so much of my life. I used to enjoy romantic films, now they just make me sad. I like going on walks, but then I see a happy couple, or a girl I find attractive, and I feel bad about myself. I've tried online dating, but that had such a horrendous effect on my general mental health that I had to quit, I had no matches and none of the people there were attractive to me (I think I actually need to physically meet someone to be attracted to them. I know I'm sounding like an incel, but this is just how I feel. Sorry about the rant, I think I needed to type this somewhere.
It's absolutely a parenting problem too. If parents aren't teaching their kids how to self regulate, there is a large part of the problem right there with thinking that sending them off to school will do it for them.
I love all of your productions. I really feel helped. Thank you! I wish I could find a therapist like you. My depression and cptsd prevents me from even looking😢
My parents got blamed for crying to me. I’m a parent now and it’s so fking hard to hide from my kids to cry and try to time it. My parents are Asian (mom ) and Black/white (dad). I’ve had white therapists continue to coax me into feeling comfortable with giving them narcissists labels and saying it was selfish of them to make me the parent, they were supposed to be the parent. Well they were, and they tried their very best, but my mom is the oldest of five girls, my dads siblings all robbed him. My dad got family separated for being mixed when he was 3 and again at 7. He didn’t usually talk about himself but sometimes he’ll say something like “my mom loved me but she would also threaten me with a fun while calling me “little n*gga” or “I had to drive since I was ten because moms sight was so bad. When I was 13 I was speeding to impress my then girlfriend and hit a deer, I had to take it into the first and shoot it, I told her to stay in the car, but she didn’t. When I close my eyes the deer bleeds out and I see her fear and cry and her love for me leave her eyes.” My parents didn’t support each other emotionally, and their parents were dead, so… they really truly had absolutely no one. I can’t imagine being a single parent and having no no one to cry to during the market crash. My dad has friends, and they all /say/ they want to help my dad but the only thing they know how to do is come over with a beer and leave by the time it’s empty, and they don’t have freely m say that time. my dad is trying not to drink, but that’s the only thing that really necessitates him seeing his friends unless they’re all going out for coffee which isn’t often.
You should be able to cry and not be judged for it. Unfortunately you cannot do anything without being judged for it. Sometimes the judgement is of approval, sometimes not. Its less about being able to go judgement free, and more about being able to be care free of the judgement.
this video really is the
''when you show your parents a meme but it turns into a lecture''
😂 you got it
Oh shite. My kids are only toddlers, and I already know I'll be guilty of this. Someone save us 😢 😅
Overanalyzing everything is in my nature and I won't stop.
@@danielcox7629 knowing when to take it easy is an important skill too.
@@Vampress09 overanalyzing is taking it easy.
On male intimacy...
I struggle to watch my younger brother. Baby boy just turned 20. Wasn't being treated well by my family. I made my escape years back and almost lived with them after university, but left them. He was stuck with them, then was suddenly dropped off with me .
Felt like I couldn't be a parent to him, but I knew I could show him love better than they ever did.
It broke me to see how much he had to hide and shrink living with them. I was alright with them hurting me and using me, but to see him shell shocked and withdrawn.... It still makes me cry.
He is such a gentle, kind, and sensitive person; but because of that, all kinds of people belittle him.
He wrote a thank you note to me telling me I did enough and more than our parents ever did for him. He has his own place and job now and is right down the road from me. I just wish he was shown the love he deserves. I try, but I think I still feel like someone is going to beat me if I show affection....?
It's wack, but we're trying and I'm proud of him. Just worried for young men.
I love u. I am proud of u.
I'm sorry to hear about that situation but I'm glad you stepped up and helped him with part of the void he was experiencing. I would recommend him to go to therapy so he can begin to overcome the fear of being abused by others. I have also learned to open up more to my significant other and its benefitted the relationship a lot.
Fun fact: for some people our late 20's have been waaaay more enjoyable than our teens/college years.
I was feeling like something is wrong with me and I am missing out on the best thing that could potentially ever happen to me and I'm so glad it's not true. Damn, why all these people put this mindset on us?
@@АлександраГришина-с5р Because it was true for them, and they have difficulty comprehending that other people are not like them.
I hit 39 this april, I've been happy for the first time in my life this year. Been 30 years in therapy. Took a while but I made it to content happiness... my 10's and 20's were worst than hell.
Im 20 and feel significantly better than when i was in my teens
Could pls someone tell me the estimated time stamp of this topic?
0:00 Stream starting
10:30 Intro
20:20 Dr K's opinions on technology affecting attention spans and emotions in children
49:47 Dr K's opinions on lack of intimacy and increased suicide rates in men (commentary on society)
1:25:25 Dr K's opinions on gun violence in schools in the USA
1:34:00 Dr K's opinions on time, the past, the future, and living to the fullest (time is what causes wounds)
2:02:34 Dr K's guide to "sexy talk"
2:20:50 Outro
Ty
What a fucking hero
Not all heroes wear capes 🫡
Thanks
Thank you !!
Fun fact: UK mental health and social care services are on their ass and at 39 I lost my job, my home, and access to my son, as my mental health declined and declined.
I was unwell, isolated, and deeply traumatised. Left for dead and being taken advantage of by those I thought I could trust.
6 years later I’m not driving a Bugatti or building space rockets, but I am a support worker in a homeless hostel, I rent my own apartment, I have rebuilt the relationship with my son, I enjoy every sunrise, and those that kicked me whilst I was down…. they steer clear of me now I’m on my feet again.
39 and it still wasn’t too late to completely change my life and get away from the life that was hurting me.
Just sayin…. keep going.
Beautiful, thanks Samuel. I’m 21 and the UK has been an awful place to live as a man with severe depression and anxiety. I was even in supported living for a while and the staff ask dumb questions like why am I dirty why are my clothes tattered why haven’t I been sleeping I need to eat without realising those are the core fucking symptoms of depression. I even remember one time when I was suicidal, they stopped doing room checks and organising meetings with my support worker. Literally left to my own devices when I needed to be in a hospital
Thats beautiful man, thats something your son can be proud of, keep It up!
@@gunsmokegaloreyt6840Intentional
Thank you. At 62, I'm starting over. I needed to read this. Lost everything. Chronic physical health lead me to lose my business, familu, friends, a 9 year romantic relationship. I regained some health and made new life. In 2020 lost my part time gig, got sick again, and mental health plummeted. I couldn't see my therapist because of the shutdown and case manager taken from me as it wasn't in the budget.
I'm now homeless as I list my townhome if 20 years, my car broke down, rest of famiky and friends left.
Mental health is in the tanks. So much ptsd and cptsd from the past 2 years.
I relate to what you said about being taken advantage of when your down. Even the medical establishment I can't trust. I can't afford alternative health care anymore. ❤
@@tammyrobinson1613 Best of luck men!
1:21:34 (Chat) "Crying is like shitting yourself - feels good but not really" - Euzebiusz
Truly a modern philosopher.
hahahha
Lmfaoooo
an absolute intellectual titan
A visionary of his time
Stupid quote. Crying feels amazing, especially after bottling in stuff for so long.
This is beautiful. Honestly this is the most healing environment I’ve ever had the pleasure of being in online. Connection, acceptance, learning, fun. I’m humbled
So true! I'm so grateful Dr. K makes all these relatable videos for people like us out there.
I know it's 10 months too late, but...
Welcome!
As a woman, I feel terrible for men these days. My dad didn't show any interest in me and my brother is a perfectionist, they have projected a lot of their ideas on me and until two year ago i didn't enjoy their company. But as i grow up and get more straightforward with my family, both of them realize that all their relationship are shallow and they can never have deep conversations and express what they feel. When my granny died i realized how much my dad was left to his own devices and i cried for him. He talked about his life as if he is narrating someone else and told me not to worry. My bro is in college now but i worry and try to ask him about his life subtly so he feels comfortable and confide in me when things get hard and always hug him when he comes back home.
Thank you for being one of the few women who get this issue. I’ve overheard and been told directly that I don’t deserve to feel depressed because I’m a white man and have it “so much easier in every aspect of the life” and some of these people know that I have a dying brother and other traumas I’ve experienced that they can’t even comprehend.
@@startledmilk6670 wow … that’s terrible! I’m so sorry… I hope you keep people around you that won’t say such things… that’s just wrong!
@@startledmilk6670 I wish people understood that racial/gender privilege strictly function as general estimates. This makes it very useful for identifying general societal issues, but useless when used to judge individuals.
@@startledmilk6670❤
You are a very loving person. That's sweet of you.
16:09 “i have this morbid curiosity for what online dating is like”
trust me Dr. K, you are NOT missing out 😭😭😭
Depends who you find
@Suiseisexy i dont think its a joke just kinda sexist idk. I mean alot of people act dumb just want a free meal. Not that its right but i met someone on tinder and ive been with her 3 years now. Its rng man
Well if you are a loser like me that is the only option to date but I get no matches anyways so it’s kinda mute I’m unlovable
@@rexila how is it sexist if you are a low value guy it’s basically no hope
@markbennett5812 idk man i personally think it rng
49:47 I was in Peace Corps in Ethiopia, and it was a major culture shock to see men hugging and holding hands with each other more than they would with their wife or girlfriend. If two men were best friends, they'd walk down the street holding hands. Took some time to get use to.
and its a perpetually backwards society that needs such thing as the Peace Corps just to feed themselves. I still don't get why people always insist of taking advice from such cultures.
Wonderful! We need that in America.
I started Brazilian Jiu-jitsu at age 58, 6 years ago, and it's amazing how my "touch starvation" went down. Of course that is just part of a deeper solution, but we can fight/grapple and end our night in a hug saying "Thank you for the training". 🙏
I was thinking this too! There are days I really don't feel like being pushed and I'm just tired and lonely but I go anyway because I need the physical touch
This is a good suggestion, thank you. As a young woman Id like to have the self-defense experience too
I used to do Judo, and it helped a lot with my Depression before I was even diagnosed, partially because the activity and partially because it was a safe place to touch other people.
Ah, so what you're saying is I need to hit people!
@@TitaniusAnglesmith um. There is no hitting in Jiu-jitsu 😬
It's one thing to say "it's okay to cry" but another thing to actually cry and getting made fun of or treated badly by other men and women.
Yep. I've been holding in tears for as long as I've been alive.
I can count on 1 hand how many times I've cried in front of people. 100% of the time I'd always try to hold back
I'm seeing an increasing amount of women who will parrot at the top of their lungs that men need to express their emotions to stop from killing themselves to then immediately turn around and tell them to man up the second that they do.. or god forbid a man cry in front of them. The disgusting crap they will say the second that guy is out of the room AND THESE WOMEN HAVE FRIENDS THAT SUPPORT. The men DON'T - which is why they would even risk sharing emotions with them in the first place.
I'm not talking about on some random online forum full of a bunch of horrible bile from anonymous people, I'm talking about IN PERSON real life interactions.
I don't want this comment to come across like I'm piling on women or that I'm trying to excuse the crap that men do, but when a guy is being an asshole I hear from both men and women "He's an asshole", "He's an incel", "Men are assholes" and when a woman is being an asshole to men I hear mainly from women "Wow, men are assholes", "Men are weak", "She is struggling".
I hear you and that you havent had a great experience with sharing emotions in the past. Those people who didnt allow you to express them they are the one who have the problem not you. You need to surround yourself with better people who allow you to cry when you need same as laugh when you are happy. Now if you are sad all the time perhaps then its time to talk to someone not because there is something wrong with you but because therapists are trained to help you deal with that kind of sadness whereas a friend may not have the time or emotional energy. Your friends should support you and you should support them there needs to be a balance. I wish you luck
@@YoUtUbEhAnDlEsArEgReAt if a woman doesnt allow you to cry and bullies you then there is something wrong with that one woman. The issue comes when you equate assholes with an entire gender. I hear you that its upsetting and yes that is wrong no one should not be subject to bullying. Surround yourself with more emotionally mature people. Saying all women do this thing is not true i have never bullied any man ive been with and always support them. However i do have boundaries such as when i see a partner any partner man or woman struggling and i have done all i can to help them but they refuse to help themselves i can no longer support seeing my partner someone i care about refuse the help im offering and refuse to seek help or refuse help from others then its now no longer 50/50 support. That partner is leeching all my emotional energy and giving nothing back. So if it keeps happening that it feels like partners arent supportive its either surround yourself with emotionally mature people or become more emotionally mature so you arent the emotional leech. Both can be helped through therapy it helps you know what to look for and how to be in a healthy relationship. Blaming women doesnt help.
@@anitacrumbly I don't want people to think I am putting all blame on women, but I do want to call out and express some of the BS I have seen, heard and put up with in life. Women are people, capable of being assholes, and crappy actions should be called out regardless of their identity or genitalia.
I've seen a lot more than a few specific people perpetuating this kind of disgusting but still socially acceptable behaviour. That's why I felt the need to make the comment.
When I was fired from my first job, my dad looked into why. He then basically said "Don't share your emotions at work, when someone asks how your day is going, just say 'good'."
Sad and true.
@@hulamei3117He'd be doing ok at a German workplace. We never ask someone how their day was unless we actually want to know. Otherwise we just say hello. It's a cultural thing.
I learned this the hard way too
@@diarmuidkuhle8181 I'm British and when we learned German at school we were taught to ask "wie gehts?" Is it considered unusual to ask as part of a casual greeting?
Love this commentary on the lack of socially acceptable male intimacy. Everyone needs to feel cared for and accepted. There's absolutely nothing unmasculine about having loved ones and showing them affection. We're primates. We literally *need* physical touch. We're making guys sick by not letting them need and get community care. Being tough and resilient is one form of strength, but letting yourself care for others, receive care, and show affection is another form of strength. It's just as bold to let yourself have those connections as it is to challenge someone to a fight.
I mean... in a culture where challenging someone to a fight is wayyy more socially accepted than many forms of male intimacy, it is MORE bold and brave to have those connections.
One thing I love about LOTR is how JRR Tolkien portraits male friendships. He actually enjoyed that type of male connection with his dear friends he lost in the war.
Agreed... I went to soooo many professionals, they didn't help with anything career-related or any kind of compliment or hug. I feel like I need both of those at least the same as reflecting on my patterns. It's kinda understandable that they don't do that, I'm just saying that it's a massive field they're completely blind to and wonder why their approach doesn't help that much. One reason I kinda liked the pandemic was because how regularly I was asked for my ID or to show my full face and being told I looked young for 26... other than that only girlfriends ever complimented or hugged me.
Yeah, those two types of strength aren't mutually exclusive. Glad you pointed that out
"Maybe, in our fear and stigmatisation of homosexuality, we as men have lost something in the process. We have lost our ability to stand and proclaim our love for one another as friends and comrades. We're so scared of how we appear that we've reduced ourselves to emotionally stunted husks. Look, I'm not here to preach, but maybe if each of us told a homie that we genuinely care about them, maybe we couldn't be half as depressed and pathological as we are right now." Sseth Tzeentach.
As a woman, I used to be a very huggy person. I hugged hello to strangers, even. I stopped when I realized all of the men I was hugging in a friendly way for some reason decided that a friendly hug meant I wanted to fuck them. I wasn't trying to be a "tease" or mislead anyone. That's just how I communicated friendliness and platonic affection.
I also used to be more of a hugger, but as an adult woman I always feel hesitant or unsure when it comes to hugs because I don't want to give someone the wrong idea. I would be totally on board with giving friends and colleagues more friendly physical affection but I don't want to be seen as unprofessional or worse, interested in more than friendship.
As a guy I too used to enjoy hugs until my elementary school classmates started calling me gay. But if I try to hug girls then I'm being creepy. Now I meet nice huggy kids sometimes and I want spare them the pain that I went through but if I do then I'm a pedo. Plus like ya'll said, being denied it for so long, I can't help but interpret any physical affection from a pretty girl as super intimate. I was literally trained by society to keep everyone at arms length, and then they have the gall to ask me why I can't form meaningful relationships. So yeah, touch starvation is real, 20+ years and counting. How do we make the world a safer place for hugz?
Yeah my fiancee thought hugging was just friendly when we met and well... Now they're my fiancee lol.
@@pejakwopes954 this is such a good question. Consent is definitely important and I sometimes forget to ask for it when I get excited. Maybe I'll try opening my arms and ask, "do you want a friend hug?" and see what the other person says. If not, maybe I'll offer a friendly handshake and briefly put my hand on top to make it feel a little warmer. If they don't want to do that, then I'll just say, "I understand! It was so nice talking to you, take care." Gives people options for what they're comfortable with and lets them know it's friendly, not a show of interest. I usually do tight hugs so people know I really mean it, but only a couple of seconds long so they don't get creeped out.
@@joshuachesney7552 haha congratulations to you both!! Every once in a while, two people do decide to take things further but I'm guessing there were many other green light signals besides the hug, right?
45min mark is the single greatest Dr. K rant I have ever witnessed in the dozens of hours I've spent watching his videos. Don't usually watch the full streams but glad I didn't skip this one.
Lost it at the "get rekt n00bs" part 😂
Istg that was one of the most hilarious bits of dr. K that I've seen. The Indian goblin energy was STRONNKSSS
Your comment kept me focused for a further 20 minutes to get there naturally. I was howling with laughter once he put on the accent. Thanks for pointing it out
1:57:00 The hating studying part...I remember the reason why I really hated school and studying was because teachers and lecturers started instilling fear for not being enough (like if you don't study hard enough, you are going to get an F and your life is going to be shitty) I really hated that...and thinking about the disappointment in life. So what i really did...was failed a lot actually and I got comfortable with failing (at one point I think for an entire semester I literally had like 4 Fs, was I shitty? yes? but after that, i was like eh wasn't bad anyway), and because of that, I just started liking the idea of learning (at least my school stuff) from there I built my own interest in the subjects and then started asking myself how would I like this. From then I was obviously getting my grades up from F to a C to a B and A on my research thesis finishing waay earlier than my peers cause I really did liked the topic I was working on. From then till now, I still enjoy learning about all those things...something I am sure a lot of my peers don't do and I am really proud of myself for getting into that mindset.
Just wanted to say congratulations and thanks for sharing your inspiring story. cheers
Most teachers become teachers because they can't get any job
i just studied and got good grades , less complicated than making excuses for being a loser
@@j.2512 Ok
@@j.2512 i mean, whatever floats your boat my guy, that's what you did and i'm glad it worked for you
I was at a park a week ago, and I was helping my daughter (3 years old) climb the bars and go down the slides, and there was a boy around her age and he was getting upset because he wanted help and my daughter said "My daddy can help you like he helps me". That poor boy looked at me so happy that I would help him but just across the playground was his mother watching me like I was some kind of predator and it broke my heart to tell him I can't help him and he should ask his mom. The mom just watched and didn't ingage until her son was audibly sobbing while attempting to climb the bars. He just wanted to play with us...
Why didn't you go over and ask his mother if you can help him? It isn't weird to be king and offer help in that way.
@@idab6864 I get asking for help, but asking to help is such a bizarre concept to me or maybe we truly live in a bizarre world.
@@excalibro8365 it's not appropriate to touch other people's children that you don't know. I get what you're saying, but it's cultural and in america unfortunately that's just not ok anymore. Probably due to the rampant pedophilia and kidnapping that's happened for decades
@@idab6864This.
That's really sad. I played with two boys (brothers, i think 7 and 5 or something like that) for a whole afternoon while their mom sat nearby talking to other people. And they had so much energy, it was exhausting but i couldn't stop for at least a few hours bc it seemed like one of the few times an adult actually took the time to play with them. As in help them onto the swing, help them resolve the kind of conflicts that come up between siblings on a playground just basic paying attention. It's been over 10 years and i haven't seen them again but i still sometimes think about them.
I didn't actually start overcoming trauma until this year and I'm almost 30. I have ALOT of years of emotional neglect from my parents, plus added pressure on top. Plus my stepmom from the early 2000's- 2011 treated me like garbage and really ruined my self-confidence, instead putting an emphasis on perfectionism. So, for some of us, not even our 20's were able to save us from our trauma. Hoping, at least for me, my 30's will go much better.
Yeah it took me until age 31 to really start the real unpacking the childhood trauma and start the real growth journey. I'm 34 now and my life is pretty great.
I tuned it right at the Male intimacy rant, and oh boy did that hit hard. I felt like I was being described and it made me feel so grateful that Dr. K makes these videos. I just wanted to say to all the other men out there struggling, we got this! We can get thru this, and get that life for ourselves. Forever grateful for this life :)
As someone with alexithymia and wasn't at all educated on neurodivergent behavior and symptoms (other than the common stereotypes) this channel has been the single greatest thing in helping me understand myself and help lay out a path on how to get better. I'm glad you're aware of how much you're helping the community Dr. K. Your quote from @29:42 - @30:24 is what I'm speaking of. Thank you so much for what you and your team do for the community.
The title pic is so true. I spent most of my childhood and adolescence in extreme stress from an alcoholic dad and npd manipulative mom and poverty that had our lights constantly shut off, while also trying to maintain a high academic standard with my parents sort of pressuring me that I was supposed to grow up and get the whole family out of poverty. Now I'm in my mid 30s with a decade long career, my dad has overcome the alcoholism and helps deal with my mom's issues and she has tentatively started therapy, my grandma moved in and helps pay the bills so nobody is reliant on me alone, and we are currently working through some fun home renovations. I'm happier now than I ever was in my youth.
Oh man i'm crying hearing your story about the patient who told you he loved you. It's so unfair, the cold approach we take to mental health treatment. I'm grateful you two were able to express that mutual care. With a good therapist how can you not grow to care for them as a human being? It doesn't always cross professional boundaries into something inappropriate. It should be judged on a case by case basis and I'm so grateful you were able to talk to your supervisor about it and keep it appropriate while still finding a way to express that care.
Do you have a timestamp maybe?
@@AliceInSuburbiaoh gosh its been so long since i watched this, ill try and find it
2 things, you can really tell he loves doing this and we feel it, and second that he is literally saving lives. He's always so compassionate, funny, and intelligent. I stan
Okay, more seriously: I’ve been part of a historical reenactment group for about a decade, but I recently got my husband into the hobby as well. And one thing he keeps commenting on is how freely everyone touches each other, both compared to other Americans and to his home country (which has a smaller personal space bubble than people in the US, something he’s also commented on before).
I’d never noticed before, because a lot of my friend groups have always been very physical. But now that I’m aware of it, he’s right. People in this group-including the men-hug each other, casually touch each other, sit practically on top of each other, wrestle, fix each other’s clothing, and so on. People in that group have their own issues (we have a disproportionate number of neurodivergent folks), but being touch starved isn’t one of them.
Bring it back! Casual touch is nice!
I dealt through family bankruptcy, depression, anxiety, relation traumas, a brain tumour (aganglioglioma of 2 inches), the pandemics, two motorized vehicles crashes, drugs related problems with family members, assassination of two of my dogs, familiars sudden deaths, close people suicide attempts.. all this through 16-21 years. After 3 years of relatively calm life and a tremendous effort i am starting to see the bright light but i feel i ve missed so much and suffered without meaning. I can not change the past but i won't suffer anymore, don't matter what my life from the 25's and on will be fantastic, i will work hard but it won't be the most important thing in my life.
holy hell
That’s so much.. I wish you the best.
Thanks, I gave up on pursuing a PhD and accepted what life offered to me so now i am consulting in nuclear sísmic engineering, not my passion but great people and enough money
All the best ❤
@@Tipheret thanks, still struggling with chronic paint which will condition my life but I am strong, training again and trying to be sound financially although I know I will have it rough to achieve financial freedom and som sort of calm in my life
when i used to think this problem was just me so no one did anything about it because they dont care about one person but then we find out its everyone and no one does anything about it until theyre finally forced to because they simply cant ignore it anymore.. so many warm fuzzy feelings inside that god loves me and we got this...
skip past the loading screen using this timestamp 10:33
Replying to hopefully bump this up. I had to scroll way too far
Nah I like the music
I was at work and i listened to the music for the 10.5 minutes and was like, thank god😂
Memes start at 20:20
That's not a meme 😂
Always be thankful of Time Stamp Stacey
Thank you.
godbless
This meme hit a little different
I was a small boy, and saw my dad first time cry and only time that I know of, when his mother died. He let out a tear and blowed into a handkerchief. That was the only time I saw him cry, and he is over 60 now. I remember being surprised that I see him cry, as it was something I did not see before or after.
I try to make physical contact with the homies all the time. Hugs, shoulder squeezes, head scratches, all that shit. There has been a concerted effort from some of us to start hugging when greeting or leaving. I think our group is tigher even though we dont see eachother all the time, but simply because we hug. It sounds weird but it grows bonds and makes seeing eachother more impactful.
I feel like in recent years there has definently been an effort to destigmatize it. You hear words like "bromance" and "bros before hoes" etc. thrown around a lot more, and it goes along with openly talking about physical touch and even affection towards their guy friends.
I get that it's mostly jokes, but it's a step in the right direction to be able to even jokingly do something like that. Eventually that joke turns into seriousness.
@@Unkn4wN_TMIt's also just a lot healthier, not just for male friendships but for relationships with women. Because way too many men completely overburden women emotionally for this reason ; we're taught that the ONLY appropriate context in which to give and receive ANY kind of physical affection is that of a romantic / sexual relationship. And then the girlfriend or wife is stuck with having to be everything, single-handedly fulfilling all her partner's physical and emotional needs because he's not getting any of it met elsewhere.
My son is 5 and really struggles to function in school because of emotional regulation (and he doesn't even get much screen time) and while I also have him in therapy the school has a social worker there to ALSO learn the skills and I'm so greatful because he is pretty good with the skills at home because I know the signs he's getting dysregulated but I can't be there to help him at school. I hope more schools and school boards also implement something like this to help with the students. He's not even the only kid in his class like this.
I love your content!
However, sometimes it feels weird as a woman that I identity so strongly with these "men's issues" regarding lack of social support and platonic affection.
Not surprising. I'm sure it's hitting women too, just different in the details. Blame Immanuel Kant and the idea of "the thing in itself" (look up a video called "Feminism is Feminist Gnosticism"). The idea that it led to is that liberation lies in freeing ourselves from all external influence, because if we let society tell us who we are, even a little bit, we're still stuck in a mental/ spiritual prison. Paradoxical that this was taken up by "socialists" that claim that "man is a species being," then, right?
Because it's not a male problem only...women can suffer the same...it's just more likely for men to suffer from it because of stigma and upbringing
I relate to this so much. As a woman I come from a small family that is loving, but not that physically affectionate. Until I got into a relationship I was very touch starved and there are so many aspects of community too that are easy to miss out on.
Also.. don't forget that mens are also doctor's primary demographic - since it's all started in gaming community. And. Well. Even though a lot the women play games we all know how "welcoming" this gaming communities to us.
yea I was made fun of throughout my childhood for crying as a little girl, by my family
I really just want to peacefully exist, but my whole life it's been "STUDY! WORK! DON'T EXPRESS YOURSELF!" I'm sure most guys understand the feeling.
I knew a girl who killed herself when we were about 16 and her reason was because she couldn't stand the horrors of the world and the older I get the more I understand it. The awful things humans do to each other, to animals, to the planet, who in their right mind would CHOOSE to live here? At this very moment untold horrors are happening and we're all supposed to just... work.
Thanks for this video Dr. K, at the very least you remind me that I'm not alone. Keep up the incredible work.
I think a strong part in talking about male touch and contact, is that not only does it lead to dumping when that contact is made, but because that contact is seen to some degree something to do with a sexual nature. So anytime it comes about it immediately gets connected to that, than just simply what it is.
It's wild to me how human beings have built cultures and sub-cultures whose memes and expectations actually run counter to our survival, core instincts, and best interests as a species.
All of my childhood, teens and early 20s were spent with two drug addicted, alcoholic parents. I didn’t have anyone else. I couldn’t afford to live alone. To say the least I was incredibly depressed and highly suicidal. Now, at 30, im just now discovering joy and what life can be like outside of chaos. For the first time in my life I get to try out various hobbies, and I’m learning about the things that I enjoy doing. Life at 30 isn’t perfect, but it is better than it has ever been. Can’t wait to see what the rest will be like.
35F single, and when they are talking about men like this I just could imagine my future spouse being so sad and lonely. Like I think about his mental health and what it must be like for him right now. Wonder if I will find him one day. I hope men can support him and love him until we meet.
A had a boyfriend like this. And honestly it was so frustrating because I did not know how to draw him out (bad past experiences, etc., it`s not important) and just had to watch him be miserable. It sucked! I really hope he is happier in his new relationship because I really could not do him any justice.
your past your prime for breeding, no eggs. You'll settle with what beta provider you can get
A lot of us are broken by the time we reach our thirties. We become absent minded, cynical, husks of former men.
Years of emotional neglect and being expected to "man up" by everyone, of not being deemed worthy of attention unless we are seen as able to provide materialistically.
I've went through a small depression partly due to this. And it made me sad and bitter. I would not want to be a girl dating me at this period of my life, and yet, affection is what is needed to get out of this situation.
@@Specoups I feel that. But you know what I did when I had depression? Therapy. You know what I’m doing now being 30yo and cynic as hell? Therapy. But I also really don’t want to be in a relationship right now. Can’t do that to any potential partners 🫠😅
@@DieFarbeLila88 That can be an adequate solution for some individuals, those who can pay.
However, if we want to fix the issue at the level of our society, therapy ain't gonna cut it.
I think a better thing to call “touching other dudes” would probably be something like “the homie hug”, something that directly attributes hugs as platonic rather than romantic
I find it interesting because everyone says they don't have physical touch with their friends because of society. I don't think it's just society, me oersonakly I'd feel uncomfortable touching my friend (platonically obviously) and I think he would yo so we don't do it.
Depends on where you live I bet because honestly not doing that is just weird to me and it’s the exact opposite where I live. Me and everyone I’m close to, family or friends all greet each other with a hug or handshake hug kind of thing, both male and female.
@@SukottoXYeah, but the reason you feel uncomfortable is all the homophobic crap you've been fed your whole life. You may not remember any specific instance, but that ideology of men touching other men being weird is there, and it affects you subconsciously whether you realise it or not.
So it's not because someone outright tells you it's not okay to hug another guy, it's because the way men act indicates it's weird to do that, and even if nothing is verbally said, your subconscious picks it up between the lines
😂
i understand where youre coming from but this is just reinforcing homophobia. god forbid you take care of yourself and someone thinks youre gay!
So glad someone is pointing out the relationship between this male intimacy gap and pervasive societal homophobia. Every time this topic comes up, people point out that "Every time men try to express intimacy we get called gay," and frequently propose that the solution to this is to somehow make everybody else stop thinking they might be gay. You will never be able to control other people's perceptions of you. Any solution that relies on that isn't a solution. What we can do is think long and hard about why it bothers us so much if someone else thinks we might be gay, and whether those reasons are fixable on a societal or individual level. Is it about being treated badly by society and other individual people if they think we might be gay? (hard to fix individually but there are steps we can take) Is there maybe some internalized homophobia we all need to be better at working through?
At the end of the day, it doesn't matter whether two guys are hugging because they're in a romantic relationship or because they just need a hug. But if you're scared/disturbed/resentful/indignant that both of those scenarios might be seen and treated the same (negative) way, the actually attainable solution to that is working to eliminate our own internal prejudices (and larger societal prejudices) so that it really, truly, deeply doesn't matter. Insisting that other people need to differentiate between them is not only unattainable, it's also just piling on more unconscious homophobia: "People need to acknowledge and treat this differently when it's straight because gay people are treated badly and I deserve dignity and respect," is a homophobic approach to solving this problem. It's like the difference between responding to a homophobic slur by arguing that you're not gay vs. that the homophobia is not acceptable.
It bothers men if people think they might be gay because they don't want to be either discriminated against or outright murdered like Matthew Shepard.
Hope that clarifies things a little.
Gay
@@CamphorousBut we can agree that both discrimination and murder are wrong? Continuing to reduce homophobia in society, and it has reduced a lot in the last 20 years, would help all men. Nobody should have to live in fear of homophobic violence or discrimination, whether or not they are gay.
To answer the question of dealing with pain in the present, I think about in detail what is causing the pain. Like if I try to exercise for once and start cramping up, I think about how the cells ran out of oxygen so now they are using anaerobic respiration and it's producing lactic acid. Or if I'm getting a shot I imagine the close-up image I've seen before of a needle and imagine how that shape is pushing aside my skin, and how my nervous system is picking up the needle and sending signals to my mind. The pain itself is a lot less unpleasant than the fear/panic of what the pain could mean, and times when I know exactly what the pain means are the times it was much less unpleasant for me.
Ngl, I agree
For some reason, knowing exactly what’s happening and understanding it makes whatever is happening less worse- because by chance, I’ll know how to fix it
what a tedious person. Literally reddit, the man
If I can't lessen or remove the pain then I just remind myself that it won't kill me and go the distraction route.
That whole skit of: "pay me 5.99 and we'll hack your brain" was SOO FUNNY! XD
I was laughing so hard, it took me a solid minute or two to recover!
Edit: god bless, someone in the comments already had the timestamp - 44:58
For nausea and physical pain, the secret is only to not fight it and not to make more of it than there is. There is no way to make it go away, but there are ways to just let it be what it is until it passes, and thus not make it worse.
"Dr.K is one of us, that's why! And he's staying up to date and looks at new problems and research" is what I said, when chat auto-closed XD
i came up with a technique that worked for me when i needed to cry, usually all the feelings of frustrations would build up in my chest and when i needed to let them out, for some reason it just felt disconnected from my logical , identity side . so what i did was, i visualised, the ball of emotion, in my chest, physically moving up , slowly, through my throat, up my face and right behind my eyes. it felt like it transferred some of the emotion from my chest to my eyes and helped my cry a little.
I know that is the exact opposite of what we are trying to achieve here, but do you happen to have a tip on how NOT to cry? Because I cry in front of people and I get judged for it. People call me manipulative and all I`m thinking is, that I don`t want to manipulate anybody, I`m just upset. But because of this stupid stereotype of women crying on purpose in order to manipulate others, I get put on the spot for something I can not controll. Even a psychiatrist I went to, accused me of doing it subconsciously in order to manipulate. Like - WHAT?! I need help here 😂
@DieFarbeLila88 I personally just visualized the tears receding into my eyes.
As with most everything else though, I’m now having to relearn how to cry, so the og comment is useful. Thanks for sharing!
@@thatfly5360 ok, I’ll try that. Thanks 😅
As someone who's not from America, I just realised, America is FUCKED. Holy shit man, i knew it was pretty bad but, wow. Like, I didn't know that brotherly love has become non existent and stuff. Wow
the demographics were already enough to know that. China already won years ago.
I mean... The Netherlands aren't as fucked as America is, but mental issues are probably the same here. Maybe nor exactly the same, but like... The stigmas at least seem to be the same.
The internet made me realize at a very young age just how grateful I should be for having a family where everyone hugs everyone lovingly... I still have to go a day without hearing that I'm loved, without getting a good morning hug, and wholeheartedly saying it back. I'm 30, with a husband, a job and planning to have children, and I still hear that from people older than me. I don't know how to describe how I feel about knowing that it is not the norm in most families except that... It makes me feel like I have a permanent cold spot in my chest and my stomach sinks whenever I think about it. It sounds... So cold? Or foggy? Like platonic love for your family members is just this thing that one should see through a glass most of their lives, almost like it's romanticized. Everyone deserves to know it feels to be loved unconditionally. It changes you. It changes the way you think.
@@ammygamer My family are the only people I can hug
It's good, but it does still feel like there's something missing. I do love them though
It exists. You just have to join the military. Male intimacy is only socially acceptable here when violence and possible death is involved. Crying and hugging other dudes is only not gay when you just watched your buddy bleed out.
dr k reignited my faith on psychology.Been dealing with bad professionals for at least 10 years, glad they did help me on my issues but not without wasting time and money but i know a lot of people that lost their faith (and couldnt afford treatment) on the profession.
When I was growing up, kids behaved exactly as the band director described. Technology was barely a thing back then. Most kids didn’t have cell phones. So I don’t think technology is really to blame. I’m sure it doesn’t help, but I don’t think it’s the cause. Thinking back on the kids I can remember that were most unruly…it seems like those were the kids who had parents that tried to be their friend instead of parents and/or they were from broken homes and starved for attention.
I think the nail in the head was when she said that her friends said that band students were most well behaving ones, implying that these are NOT the most unruly children in that school yet.
The word you were looking for was probably "kids whose parents spoiled them" instead of "kids whose parents tried to be their friend", cuz I don't know if I'm biased but basically 'being my friend' was my mom's parenting method and I was kinda among the quietest student, or at least never even thought of the idea of vandalizing stuff.
it was an inner city black school, just admit it lol
Yea, i mean, i dont see technology as an issue in that regard. For all we know, that teacher went to some posh school. Also, when she was young, it might have been legal to hit kids, so no shit they would be mire behaved
The kids were the exact same way in my school too, before there were cell phones. They threw desks around, screamed, got in *huge* brawls, called the teachers names, threatened to shoot me, and did all kinds of shit. They were animals and it had *nothing* to do with technology.
Abusive and neglectful parenting is on the rise, also because of technology. They're just as addicted, and learning truly vile "parenting tricks" which are simply abuse repacked as "tough love".
I've only met one truly spoiled person in my life ... All the others that were called spoiled were just victims of more insidious abuse.
We *KNOW* social media is at the heart of this problem. Something similar may have happened back then but we know for a fact now that social media is among our primary culprits. We know because the kids know and are telling us, because it tracks with what we know about psychology. We need to get it under control though.
Hugging is bizarre because when someone decides to give me a real, honest to go heartfelt hug it's a feeling I can't describe, but then initiating a hug feels... wrong?
Maybe it's just because I'm a big guy. I do understand the other comments from women about how men take hugging the wrong way but from my personal experience, I understand the men too. So many men, like me, are so starved that a hug is like jumpstarting the intimacy progression of the relationship, you're immediately like 'holy shit that was so amazing I want to cry, I must keep this person around somehow'.
I am short. Honestly, I also can't initiate it. It's more about being seen as a creep, I think
I just wish that when trying to "keep this person around" they'd just continue being my friend instead of trying to date me. It saddens me that a hug is such an anomaly that guys jump to romance, I don't blame them though. The state of society ain't our faults we've just inherited it, but I do think we can at least work to change our corner. So I still give everyone hugs, cuz when it's normalized amongst the whole friend group then everyone's happier and they don't focus in on me :)
@@sprigganpandaIt's also completely a cultural thing. There's entire countries where this is not an issue. Certainly also prejudice against male homosexuality absolutely plays a role. I say male specifically because gay women exist, but absolutely nobody immediately assumes two women are an item when they hug. Unfortunately many women also have double standards. On the one hand they complain that men don't share their emotions or can't show vulnerability, but the instant a guy cries about anything that's not a literal funeral, then he's a wuss.
Personal notes
20:20 Technology's effect on society (children)
49:47 Men and intimacy
1:34:00 Dr K's opinions on time
time rant was peak
@@IIIISaiyeah I love that one, was watching it live and right now I'm back to listen to it again
Dr. K.... I love you so much... Everything you talk about seems so topical to my life. Your most current videos always hit on the most important topics that I'm going through in life.. Thank you so much Dr. K. I am super happy that you are so dedicated to teaching people to understand their emotions, why they feel them and what to do in order to deal with them in the most effective and positive way.
And most adults will probably tell you that you know nothing about nothing until about 30 years old and you’ll continue saying you knew nothing back then the older you get. It’s an experience for sure.
1:59:22 Imagining myself in the future where my suffering is over is my conscious coping mechanism. I know the future will become my present, and the current present will be left in the past, and I'll feel relieved and thankful that it's over, and it'll just be a thought or memory then. I try to mentally be there, rather than too present in my current suffering. I think it works, and I don't see it as a bad thing. Being very aware that the current state is temporary, like being sick and throwing up, or emotionally hurt, any situation I really want to escape, makes it slightly more bearbale. And it makes me more grateful for the present (in the future lol) because I was looking forward to it, and remember how badly I wanted to be there.
The part about male suicide and touch starvation made me cry. I cannot imagine how horrible it is to be starved of human touch. But I can feel the pain that it causes.
Same! I've experienced relatively-mild touch starvation during some periods of my life, and I can only imagine what it's like to be even more isolated and starved for intimacy for even longer periods of time.
I can count on one hand how many times I've been hugged by someone who wasn't my brother or sister for the last 28 years. You just get used to feeling isolated after a while. I remember crying when I got a hug last year. It was such an alien feeling.
It’s really touching to see how passionate Dr K is about helping people
on the touch starved thing. I lived alone for 8+ years before coming across the vrchat furry community. I very quickly learned that they like to touch. giving headpats, bely rubs, cuddling. and even though it's not real physical touch, I've noticed my mental state began to get better when I started joining in on this. my favorite thing now is to jump into a big cuddle pile with friends and just watch movies or talk about stuff.
That "starving dog" analogy hits home so much. I think many of us felt that way. I got a kind smile and small talk from a random girl at the grocery store and that alone won me over completely, so I kept coming back for that drug for months, until she realised what's going on, I guess, and started to look through me. Probably thought me a creep - and I probably was. When you're given what you didn't even know you were missing and wasn't consciously looking for, that ounce of affection, the pleasure of being seen and taken interest in, and then have it taken away - it hurts more than it has any right to. I wish that starving dog never got petted.
1:12:23 I just realized that Chobits predicted this future... It's a romance anime featuring in which the main girl is an android, and it's super common for people to fall in love with their androids, and traditional human/human relationships are falling out of favor as people fall in love with their human-shaped computers instead.
About learning to cry...My parents in the 1970s "stop crying before I really give you something to cry about". So the options were continue crying and get hit or stop and shut down my feelings.
In LGBTQ+ spaces (at least the ones I’ve been to) it’s become more common since the pandemic ask for a hug / ask if can have a hug (usually on arriving, leaving, and in emotional moments). This is done with the understanding of a culture of consent (no is no, hesitancy is no, anything other than enthusiastic consent is no, and if the person does not consent that you remain respectful and kind to them). Being around this after a few times helps everyone feel safe because they know that their bodily autonomy is respected.
yes, so many of us need hugs, touch, hanging out,community
When I was young, my dad told me that he wouldn't hug me after the age of 14 for fear of being called gay. I didn't understand why until I grew up. I don't know how we got here but something does need to change.
Nobody’s looking out for teachers and that’s wild. If you gonna tell people in response to any problem that they knew what they signed up for, eventually they’ll either start doing bare minimum to keep the job out of the straight necessity or plain resign. And we’re having these talks about the most vital fields, like medicine and education
Thank you for sharing. You have so much insight into these current issues. I always look forward to the next live stream.
I really liked 44:58 To 48:50 where you acted out the character and then joked about wanting the Netflix show. I think it has potential for getting good views if you uploaded it as a clip from the livestream. Also I screen recorded it so I can watch it later. 😊
Man I thought he was just going to deep-dive into some memes about ADHD or anxiety, but instead I'm now extremely concerned for my future career as a teacher. The entire first clip and Dr. K's discussion around it made my heart sink. It's an extremely tough pill to swallow knowing I am going to be struggling with things similar to that teacher.
As someone who has a mom who's a teacher, this person was definitely working at a bad school.
Currently, the biggest issue I've heard and seen from my mom and her colleagues and the few other teachers I've spoken to is the parents. And it's been that way for the better part of almost 2 decades.
As much as technology definitely has had an impact on kids, a massive part of what's going on, especially with kids who misbehave, is parents that absolutely refuse to implement punitive measures for bad behavior and positive reinforcement for good ones. My mom has literally had to argue with parents who vehemently denied that their kid would ever do anything bad, as their kid is literally jumping off the walls next to them. Parents think their child is an angel even when they're the definition of hell on earth.
If you're working at a normal school, your biggest problem isn't going to be the kids; it's going to be the parents.
Look into trades as a back up field.
@@Mikinaak2023 no thanks, I don't want to hate my job for the next 40 years.
This channel is incredible, thank you 🙌🏼
That music in the beginning was very lovely. I kinda needed that moment to just relax my mind.
That is the one good thing about paranoia and bpd-splitting: when everyone else around you is your enemy anyway, you are too busy surviving to feel the need for hugs or being held....
No need to get dramatic
@@joejohnson3814 I meant that literally.
*feeling* like your surviving. When in reality you're experiencing existence during one of the most cushy times in human history.
@@mjanny6330 It might just be a feeling, but it is still better than the pain of not being loved.
I get you, but like from poor person perspective in... very hostile society.
Last time I cried was during a father and son scene in mushoku tensei. I was moved by the sincerity.
My ex wife saw me and said I was rediculous.
I've had moments since then where I've been teary but not cried. I wonder why.
So far, I've met 1 (that's ONE) professional who referred me to a mental health professional. Everyone else told me to just talk to my parents, find a proper hobby, find a husband etc...
Everyone agreed that as I'm intellectually gifted, I don't need any help with my mental health because I'm just lazy. I don't know how I would have found proper help without my mom's outburst about my diagnosis (high iq, therefore lazy af, and ADHD)
Please keep this up, I'd like to watch this when I have the time.
How to hug other guys as a guy:
1) Hug
2) Thump their back to make it not gay
3) ??????? (wait for emotional barriers to drop)
4) Profit (emotionally)
I've concluded.... crying is an emergent property!!! I 100% agree it's sooo hard to create the conditions but one of the things that helps me most is music. We all have crying songs! And giving myself time and space to grieve, in the morning is good. I also mean to watch sad movies but never seem to get around to it. 100% cry killer = trying too hard obvs. TBH I often imagine a spiritual figure because you're right, it's hard to cry alone -- but I have so much shame about crying in front of others. There's a couple Jack Kornfield recorded meditations about lovingkindness towards self that sometimes help me as well, but letting go of results is key. Also, I have an amazing body doubling community now and I seem to cry a lot more because the "superregulating system" is giving me more capacity for emotional processing.
I just hugged my wife for the last time early today for the next like 5 months (work related move), and this hit so hard.
Military?
I could never 😅 my wife stays home 🏡 5 months is insane 😳
I was saying my goodbyes to the guys I was hanging out with and oke of the girls hanging out with us said "it's funny to see how guys hug"
I was initially annoyed and insulted, but I now see that poor hugging skills are way too common for men for real, unfortunate reasons
Dr.K slightly panicking while lecturing chat about the value of trust in order to avoid having his speech about being an expert in impregnating his wife clipped might be one of the very best things I’ve seen in my life.
It drives me a little insane that we can have the (correct imho) analysis of how technology drives and cultivates these impulses, but we can't openly have the discussion of why. Why is technology designed this way, what is the purpose of having it this way and not any other way.. but as soon as the answer gets more and more "capitalism" people cringe and gaslight themselves into thinking it's not that.
I think that the designers of addictive tech are driven by "likes", just like the rest of us; money is what allows them to focus on doing that, giving us what we tell them we like.
You think people in the Soviet Union had better mental health than us? I would be highly skeptical of that
@@jaykay2218 Case in point. What does that even mean? Who knows.
@@sarahsovereign4522 All that just seems to point in the same direction with extra steps. Why are designers paid to design addictive tech? Why would they be driven by likes (not even sure what you mean by that)?
Also when did we tell the designers we wanted tech that would exploit the chemical weaknesses of our brains for money? Tech that is readily available to minors as well?
@@rasenkathesaltyone7845 I’m just saying, I don’t think violently overthrowing our economic system is gonna make us any happier.
I was so confused when the first video started playing and then you started talking over it, to the point that I skipped ahead until it stopped. Your streams aren’t usually that chaotic, so I had a feeling something was up. Talk about having your point made for you!! 😂
I am a sociology student and the first book we've read was 'Suicide' by Durkheim. It is a 1897 (!) book and it points out that suicide is more often caused by social issues rather than mental issues. The book is very interesting and I highly recommend it to anyone interested in the topic, although you have to keep in mind how old is it. At places, it aged poorly but at it's core is classic
Thank you for the recommendation!
Oh my god. It just clicked.
Not only is life a multiplayer game, it's a team game, and even the vast majority of people who realize it's a team game are playing with a fraction of the ideal number of teammates.
Most people are alone and run solo, some people actually have things together at least somewhat and run squads and then the seemingly unobtainable level of success is gained when you run in a tribe, a guild, an alliance-
Not just happiness, but also overall success correlates with the health of someone's social life.
THAT'S why the main determining factor in people's lifespans is their relationships-
It all makes sense now-
THAT'S WHY I'M SCREWED, but I don't have to be.
The getting rid of dimension of time thing is so cool. It’s like we’re 3D beings living in a 4D world and that extra dimension screws with us lol
Yet why limit your self to the present the place you can never truly be for any length of time? Like I'm a Boarderline Eternal meaning the past, presnt and future mean the same to me. But I put all my focus in the future so I can make it the best it can be... Like I get living in the moment ocasnally but I usually bank it for later or take a picture if it's important... Like if you do it all the time your ether just surviving or your like eating cake for every meal.
@@GreenBlueWalkthrough Everyone is different. Living in the present for you might elicit the experience you described. For many others, it doesn’t. Whatever works for you, then do it.
@@GreenBlueWalkthrough ye
When I was in Chile, men hugged each other as a part of their culture. For 9 months there, my need for physical touch was fulfilled. When a local described US citizens, they said we were cold. That has been a very accurate description still. I hope one day the US will realize how much hugs are necessary for mental health
I have a funny/sad story about i was crying in a train, because i have my first day at apprenticeship and it was gruesome. The People there was like: "We don't care about you, and if you need help, haha help yourself." They let me sit alone in the room, on the work, they dont want me in this work, but i really wanna do that work. I was hard crying in front of the whole train and phone my mum and explain it, everyone hear that and i think understand it. Then a man came to my side and only sit there really close. On the diagonal there was girls that look me very bad and make fun of me. If i do a stupid thing or something. This man look the girls with soooo much hatred. "Why they dont understand that" was his look like. He really protect me from this girls without any words. I think i thanks the man and leave the train. But i show the socity what i thinking about that. And yes i have a happyend, i get trough the apprenticeship, thanks god, and go to another work.
Glad to have come across this video! As a younger person who has a long attention span, it really helps me to understand the struggles so many of my generation are experiencing that i don't understand. I got a smartphone in highschool, and everybody else i knew got then in middle school.
It's helpful to learm ways to empathize and try to be a good influence on my fellow human beings!! And also, comforting to know whats going on. Having a long attention span as a 20 something is a damn lonely feeling at times
Damn, when I was a kid NOBODY pulled that kind of shit in band class! Our parents would have literally killed us and then brought us back from the dead so they could ground us. And then we would hear about it all the rest of our lives until our parents died, and then we would hear about it when the will was read. I hope parents get this internet addiction shit figured out.
On god my kids are not getting a smartphone until I‘m certain they can deal with them. I don‘t care if all the other kids have one.
Physical punishment would not have the intended effect in today's environment. It may have worked in the past but not with the existential dread that everyone has. We've just got nothing to gain, and nothing to lose.
@@SahnigReingeloetet the question is, when will that be. I have seen so many TIRED parents that don`t have the energy anymore to fight with their kids over wether or not they can have daddy’s Tablett to play a game. It`s sad to watch really :(
you see, you went to a white school. That woman is a teacher on an inner city school with minorities, the internet is not the factor here
@@SahnigReingeloetetI got my first phone the last year of elementary school. Because I didn't NEED one, and that way, I had a year to practice and get used to using it before I'd also need it for middle school (my schedule and all)
Me, a fool, expecting to watch this and get some lols and instead walk away incredibly depressed.
I'm a millennial - I was born in 1990 but you know, the first 10 years of life are whatever, it's not like you can really do or understand anything, so I relate more to the 2000 era people. God, he was so right on that mark about us being given an outdated recipe for success. I ALMOST went to college, but thank God I'm so good at procrastinating. After high school I said, I'm gonna take a one year break, and then after two or three years, other people of my age group started discovering that college wasn't increasing their job opportunities or pay at all - AT ALL -. From there on, the rest is history. We also found that houses would be out of our reach and inflation was already increasing. We were doomed to wage slavery right away and for nothing to look forward to. And then we had kids. And they're MORE fucked than we are!
Forgive me if this seems uhh, doomer, but I don't think anything's going to change from protests and shit. The people up top don't care about anything below their level. Why would they? They care about us as much as we care about an ant beneath our feet.
I'm afraid that nothing's going to change without bloodshed.
What did you instead of college?
@@jakesmith-bs4jd I just got work, went to wal-mart. And then a local grocer at a later date. A woman at the cashier had gone to college, too, and she wound up in the same place as me.
Agreed. The worst is that voting doesn't matter, at least in the western world. Sure you should and it's good to pick the lesser evil but we're fucked anyway, they won't solve any issues we're suffering from because a few with money profit off of it that pay them... AND THATS LEGAL.
"The purposeless massacres perpetrated since the June and October events, the tedious offering of sacrifices since February and March, the very cannibalism of the counterrevolution will convince the nations that there is only one way in which the murderous death agonies of the old society and the bloody birth throes of the new society can be shortened, simplified and concentrated, and that way is revolutionary terror."
That's been the plan of our enlightened moral superiors since at least 1840. Create chaos so they (whoever "they" really are) can come in, take absolute control in the aftermath, and have us thanking them for it.
The man in the mirror nods his head
The bad cry: tears start falling down due to a feeling of imminent damnation
The good cry: tears start falling down due to the feeling of salvation
There is a reason you never hear about friendly fire in self defense shooting situations. Responsible people who carry a firearm for self defense (and defense and protection of public) are taught to use maximum restraint when engaging a bad guy. Common sense and situational awareness goes a long way in ensuring friendly fire situations are extremely rare
Generally a mass shooting happens because it's a drive by or in a single room like a store. Where the shooter is quite clearly the only person in the middle of an area with everyone else ducking for cover.
Wow yup my animals are 100% the only reason I’m still in the game. Also a lot of women are taught similar things about crying being a weakness. I was disconnected from my emotions for a loooong time. Crying means you’re emotional and probably having that time of the month. Means you’re over reacting, irrational, too sensitive.
Girl friends say showing him your vulnerability is “letting them see you sweat” implying that’s something you never want to do. I believed that for the first 20+ years of my life. Only 33 now but I still grapple with that because on one hand it’s unfortunately very true. Showing your vulnerabilities to someone who is not safe (a narcissist) gives them the chance to throw them back at you later as ammo. Narcissists ALWAYS do that.
To narcissistic parents, crying is a guilt trip. They will get defensive and feel attacked because they can’t play the victim if you’re crying. They’ll actually accuse you of playing the victim. If you cry, you’re unreasonable, unrealistic, dramatic and hysterical.
Theyll invalidate your feelings and instead of taking accountability for doing or saying something awful that caused the hurt feelings, they’ll dismiss you entirely and say “it’s just impossible to have a conversation with you”.
And that premise will forever color their perception and they’ll blame & shame you for “making them walk on eggshells”. every little issue will be automatically swept under the rug while resentment and contempt build. Builds in the kid because they’re never heard, their feelings are dismissed and they’re gaslit, wondering what’s wrong with them. The parent builds resentment due to one of their many delusional beliefs that anything they do to repair things would just result in an emotional hysterical response which justifies their decision to not try and gives them an excuse to be emotionally unavailable and not only do they never ask how the kid is feeling but they never believe the kids feelings are coming from a valid place. Therefore they have no other option but to avoid, gaslight, minimize, stonewall, redirect, etc etc.
Can you tell I’m speaking from personal experience here? 😅😅😅shocker I know 😊
Sure it’s commonplace for men to be taught these things but I wonder if it’d be even more helpful to dig into the parents that teach us this and why these parents are SO pervasive and common globally in every culture, country, society. It’s astounding to me how prevalent NPD is and how emotionally stupid people are especially in the older generations. Millennial parents are doing the work to heal their trauma and not letting the generational cycle of abuse continue once again. I can’t believe so many generations decided it was okay to neglect and abuse your kids because their parents did it to them. It makes no sense how they failed to learn from their upbringing. They’ll know how abuse and shaming doesn’t help in changing behavior . Didn’t teach them any lessons. Only had negative impacts on them. But they refuse to even acknowledge let alone stop the cycle
I'm becoming convinced that mental illness is often just intelligence that causes loneliness, seeing things for what they really are and knowing how much better they could be, and never seeing any sign of that same understanding in other people.
Like I feel so much energy and so much emotional depth to offer to people, but there's never anyone there to receive it cause they either shut themselves off as well or they don't understand what I'm saying.
I feel you. I often wish I could just enjoy things for what they are instead of seeing through them. I'm using daily meditation practice to try and accept how things are and control my thoughts. It's helped a bit
We have a word for it in german... Weltschmerz or "world pain" meaning, well, suffering because the world sucks. It absolutely does and most people seem to cope with ignorance. The best example I have are these crypto libertarians working shitty 9-5 believing they'll make it and it's fair that billionaires barely pay taxes because they're so great for society. No you won't.
@@idontcare9041 the solution is to promote more self made millionaires. not tear them out of hate. we need 100 times more billionaires . a common man should have 10% chance to be a millionaire
@Blood Carnage with inflation going the way it is, most people will be soon.
Being convinced that your mnd "sees things for what they really are" and not ever questioning your understanding of things is very dangerous and may be a premise of mental sickness. You certainly need a distance to your thoughts and beliefs.
Some men would rather have to hug a robot than risk the possibility that someone calls them gay.
That isn't true at all. The fear isn't being called gay by Society or whoever. It's the perception of the person you're hugging. It's actually the same reason why women don't hug men. If you hug a man who is not a family member or an extremely close friend in our society, it is assumed to be romantic. You run a real risk that the man you're hugging will think you're flirting with him. If that happens, you risk that dude catching gay romantic feelings and then you have to end the friendship because you want different things out of it, or the other dude thinks you might be catching feelings and you have to end it for that reason. It's stupid but that's the boundary that exists that Dr. K is talking about. There might be an additional layer of homophobia as well in older people or in certain regions, but even without the homophobia there's still an obstacle.
You know whats funny? The RUclips/TicTok engineers that made their video recommendation algorithm don't have a clue as to what the internal features its optimizing for are. Its literally machine learning. Its figured out how to optimize for each individual person based on its understanding of that person. Terrifying that an algorithm can understand humans so well.
In the immortal words of Kratos:
What I was is not what you will be. For the sake of our children, we must be better.
Goddamn topical for that first video
The touching part is so real. Few days ago i had a dream, and this girl on the dream came to me and touched me in the face, i could feel her hand and suddenly i woke up. That was huge, i mean, i felt really good. It wasnt even a sexual thing, it was just a touch.
Watching this 4 months after the upload I've come to the conclusion I'm broken in some deep way. I did cry, but not at the crying part, but when dr. K was talking about sex. I don't subscribe to the incel philosophy, but I've spent most of my life never experiencing reciprocated romantic interest or attraction. Just listening to him talk about it makes me feel this sense of dread that I will never experience that kind of intimacy. I know that it's possible, but I just don't know where to start or how to actually do it.
I feel unlovable, because I've literally done it all: personal growth (maybe a little too much, honestly), hobbies (dancing, singing, piano, theatre, language learning), therapy. I'm in great shape, usually in a decent headspace (unless my thoughts get here). I've achieved quite a bit and made a lot of progress within myself, but honestly that just makes it worse. Believing it to be possible and yet out of my reach is even worse than just thinking it's impossible, because I feel this pressure to just do SOMETHING to effectuate it, but I don't know what.
This has soured so much of my life. I used to enjoy romantic films, now they just make me sad. I like going on walks, but then I see a happy couple, or a girl I find attractive, and I feel bad about myself.
I've tried online dating, but that had such a horrendous effect on my general mental health that I had to quit, I had no matches and none of the people there were attractive to me (I think I actually need to physically meet someone to be attracted to them.
I know I'm sounding like an incel, but this is just how I feel.
Sorry about the rant, I think I needed to type this somewhere.
It's absolutely a parenting problem too. If parents aren't teaching their kids how to self regulate, there is a large part of the problem right there with thinking that sending them off to school will do it for them.
And putting limits around how they can use technology
I love all of your productions. I really feel helped. Thank you! I wish I could find a therapist like you. My depression and cptsd prevents me from even looking😢
My parents got blamed for crying to me. I’m a parent now and it’s so fking hard to hide from my kids to cry and try to time it. My parents are Asian (mom ) and Black/white (dad). I’ve had white therapists continue to coax me into feeling comfortable with giving them narcissists labels and saying it was selfish of them to make me the parent, they were supposed to be the parent. Well they were, and they tried their very best, but my mom is the oldest of five girls, my dads siblings all robbed him. My dad got family separated for being mixed when he was 3 and again at 7. He didn’t usually talk about himself but sometimes he’ll say something like “my mom loved me but she would also threaten me with a fun while calling me “little n*gga” or “I had to drive since I was ten because moms sight was so bad. When I was 13 I was speeding to impress my then girlfriend and hit a deer, I had to take it into the first and shoot it, I told her to stay in the car, but she didn’t. When I close my eyes the deer bleeds out and I see her fear and cry and her love for me leave her eyes.” My parents didn’t support each other emotionally, and their parents were dead, so… they really truly had absolutely no one. I can’t imagine being a single parent and having no no one to cry to during the market crash. My dad has friends, and they all /say/ they want to help my dad but the only thing they know how to do is come over with a beer and leave by the time it’s empty, and they don’t have freely m say that time. my dad is trying not to drink, but that’s the only thing that really necessitates him seeing his friends unless they’re all going out for coffee which isn’t often.
You should be able to cry and not be judged for it. Unfortunately you cannot do anything without being judged for it. Sometimes the judgement is of approval, sometimes not. Its less about being able to go judgement free, and more about being able to be care free of the judgement.