How People React to Us as Trans and Queer Parents
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- Опубликовано: 12 сен 2024
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What is it with those white men? My Dad, who is ok with the gay, who was at our wedding and loves my wife to no end, was arguing with me that even though we are married, we can’t file our taxes as “Married filing jointly”. He was so concerned that we were going to get in trouble with the IRS.
wtf lol
😂 girl what? 🤔
@@SarahHeartzUnicorns it was so funny how he just didn’t believe it.
This level of entitlement is SO normalized when speaking to disabled people as well. My daughter has multiple disabilities and it is more common for someone to be weird in public than not. People consistently believe they are entitled to her diagnoses. We’ve had people to pray for her. Two weeks ago the kid asked what’s wrong with her at the zoo and I just said nothing she’s disabled. in 2021 we were in a public place and a man touched her. This is pretty common but I had a panic attack that time because of Covid. She’s also visibly adopted because we are a transracial family and everyone think that they are entitled to her adoption story to her parents story and they assume that her mom must’ve been a garbage person because she is a disabled child.
People ask questions about her education about her comprehension and so much more.
People in enterable relationships talk about this all the time that they will have strangers come up with them and ask them how they have sex.
My daughter has come out as queer, and sexuality can be fluid, but if when she is old enough to date, she needs someone who is not a cis man she is guaranteed to have people asking details about every single aspect of her existence and relationship.
I think there is a culture of dehumanization in this country, but also worldwide, as a result of colonization, and that has to change in order for the entitlement to change.
Yep. I'm disabled and trans, oh boy have I been asked some horrific stuff. Including very detailed questions about how I have sex by a coworker when there were children not even two steps away. He blamed me for "being too sensitive" when he lost his job.
People are curious is it so wrong to share personal knowledge and information that kind of bridges the gap.. I don't think it's entitlement at to ask questions and connect but I'm also on the spectrum so I don't see a problem with it I overshare all the time. We are a family with a child with disabilities and friend and family members who are gay.I Just don't get it we're weird people stare ask questions I'll answer them.
@@chrissiehines3268 it absolutely is entitlement when absolute strangers ask me in public how I have sex solely because they learned I'm trans and/or disabled. I've had people demand I explain to them my medical information before they will respect me as a person.
@@chrissiehines3268 it absolutely is wrong. You wouldn't walk up to a straight, pregnant,single woman and ask her "how did that happen? Who's the father?" In the middle of a public store!!. Also please don't categorize the fact that you have disabled and gay friends and family. We are all different, not all of us are comfortable with being asked personal questions in public. the wrong kind of people can hear you and follow you to your car and do the unthinkable. And (in my experience) when you don't want to answer the personal questions they get violent.
I just wish ppl googled this stuff read books. This helped me so much and made me waaaay more compassionate and understanding ! ❤
The vibe I get from the doctor office guy was “dude trying to use the new term he learned from his woke-word-of-the-day-calendar in a sentence ” lol
“That’s what marriage is, remembering that you are very loud.” It me!! 😂
Really appreciate you teaching your kiddos to sign! As a Hard of Hearing person who never got that kind of support from my hearing parents, I always felt a bit isolated from my own community, so thank you for making us a priority :) Thank you so much for sharing your parenting experiences, they were very impactful!
Why is Gray's pink sweater sooo cute!!
it honestly baffles me that its 2024 and people are so close-minded. there are infinite ways to be a good parent and a good person. me, personally, i think youre both kick-ass people and parents who are oodles more insightful, thoughtful, caring, and considerate than all those who oppose you. keep being awesome.
Great video and conversation.
You brought up some incredible points, especially towards the end.
A friend of mine, and his spouse, adapted three boys. They have shared a few of their experiences, and they are significantly different. When it's a male couple raising children, there is less acceptance and more disapproval and vocal negativity expressed to them. It's a shame, because this couple has taken the boys in (two are biological brothers) and have done tremendous things with them. Their eldest was deemed "unteachable, unreachable, and a lost cause" by his biological family, the school system, and doctors. Since being with my friends, he is doing well in school, is far more social, participates in a few sports, and shows love and compassion for his fathers and brothers. I attribute this transformation to two men who unconditionally accepted him, provided a stable home environment, and showed and taught him what love really is.
Warning: I usually don't comment on RUclips videos, and this accidentally turned into a small essay.
When I came out as bisexual at 18 years old, I was blessed enough to have parents who were accepting and supportive. However, they both grew up in households that were isolated from queer communities and queer culture due to the homophobic values of my grandparents. My parents rejected the homophobic values they were raised with, but their ignorance from isolation lead to several examples of unintentional microaggression towards myself and other queer folk.
Luckily, I was privileged enough to have parents who were open-minded to constructive feedback. After years of tough and awkward conversations with my parents, they have learned how to accept and support my identity in a way that feels good for the three of us. This video touched on one of the phrases that really helped us openly discuss these microaggressions, which was "I understand that you had good intentions, but this [insert action here] made me feel [insert feeling here]".
Thank ya'll for showing a piece of your life to the internet and sharing so much queer education in the process. I have been subscribed to Ash's main channel for years, and the video "Calling my mom to tell her I'm trans" was one of the final inspirations I needed to come out to my Mom as bisexual (I needed another 6 months to find the courage to tell my Dad). The videos on both this channel and the main channel have not only helped me understand myself, but also helped my parents understand me.
I'll admit, when I found out y'all had twins, I had the EXACT SAME reaction as Edina Target guy. The lack of permanent bags under your eyes shocked me. I fully expected Gray would go gray.
Hello, you’re both lovely people and I appreciate your presence!🏳️🌈✨
I got an ad for top surgery underneath this video! I used to get uhm... let's just say ads in the opposite direction on this type of videos so I'll take it as a win
Yes, of course I made it to the end! I really enjoyed your insight and perspective! I appreciate you both sharing about your experiences!
Used to live in Minneapolis. As soon as you said "Edina," I rolled my eyes. Every Day I Need Attention 🙃
Imagine thinking you're entitled to that info from strangers!
Thank you for sharing this! I don't have kids but i feel like this message could be carried through to other situations as well ❤️
I always enjoy your content. Thank you for having these conversations!
I feel like you could summarise the issue in these situations as "you can't create a safe space for someone whist being rude to them"
Really really appreciate the videos you've been putting out, it's just a joyous experience to hear(?) queer lives out there in the world beyond my bubble. Thanks for sharing
When I first heard the Edina Target mentioned my first thought was “Oh fancy!” Glad y’all clarified you aren’t cake eaters !
Hello there! You're awesome parents ☺👍
That's a really interesting thing about the "I accept you, now I'm entitled to know more about you" mindset. I run into that a lot where I live (hello from 1 hour north of Duluth!)
I'm like the "token trans queer" of my apartment complex, and people will ask me just about anything after saying "Oh, my son's brother's nephew's friend is gay!" Nice to know they're accepting, but then the "What surgeries have you had? How did they go? Are you done?" string of questions comes up. I've gotten to the point where I'll ask, "Do you want the gory details or the PG version?" and I've noticed people ask a LOT less now lol
I'm all for educating people and will answer just about anything, as long as they don't seem like the kind who just want to know for the gossip factor. Some are genuinely curious, and it's interesting how I've gotten used to picking up on those clues when someone asks.
I'm the token trans queer person to a lot of people as well and I've come to a point that I don't even want the curious and well intentioned questions. I'm exhausted at the level of boundary-setting I have to do and I just don't get why they think they are entitled to ask me just anything.
It's so strange to me, because there are many answers online, where there are people who are open and medical resources in regards to what happens during gender transition. There's no reason to ask questions which invade their privacy. Especially weird that most of these people are mostly strangers,asking this of trans people.
I feel like unless you're actually going to date somebody, or if there are close family member/ friend who is like family. This way, if something were to happen, you have people who are aware of your medical history. But those are the only people who should even potentially be asking questions like that, and that's after a long time of having that person in your life AND what is most important,is the trans person makes it clear it's okay to ask that.
I will never understand how it is a social norm, to not ask people about their medical history,as it's considered extremely rude. But all those norms go out the window when it comes to transgender people? It's just so bizarre. Especially when it comes to the questions relating about bottom surgery. That really is so confusing to me. If you're not sleeping with someone, why do you care what their genitalia is and why does it matter to you....?
I definitely feel you on the whole oh my brother's son nephew's friend is gay.. I'm not trans, but I am queer and even my grandmother who has genuinely a good heart, and has always come to me with questions about the queer community, because she knows I'm open about it with her.... Even she has done that, when she meets somebody who's queer. She immediately says oh you guys should be friends! I know she's trying to help me have friends, but it's just like Grandma...those people have nothing in common with me besides being queer.
For example she introduced me to a family friend who was a gay man, and he ended up being really judgmental towards me for liking anime. He was 35 and I was 24/25 at the time, and I just thought it was bizarre he was acting like a high schooler.
@@xdani_thethinkingneko Sorry you had to go through the bad hookup from the family thing, been there too. Not fun at all.
That whole "You should be friends!" thing gets me too, just because we're all under the same umbrella doesn't mean I know someone in another state that I've never visited! lol I know they have good intentions, but those good intentions can be off-putting as well.
Years later watching your channel since I was a freshman in high school in 2016. I still feel so much joy watching your videos. A healthy parasocial way, celebrating your successes and the hope that my future is bright.
I love that yall are teaching sign!!! I had a speech impediment when I was young so my mom taught me a few basic signs to help my communication along, and I've always wished I had learned more!
It's a great skill to have. You can talk across a crowded room without screaming haha and employers love it.
Thank you for sharing this its so important and validating to hear knowing I'm not the only one experiencing this. My wife and I also get these weird entitlement like comments too with our 1 yo and it baffles me. On that note I'm sorry y'll are experiencing these microaggressions =/
My mom (who is transphobic, I'm trans) unironically gave me a pin that says "I wish closed minds came with closed mouths" smh
what the hell? lol, shouldn't that apply to her then(?
@@pinkforguys that's exactly the point lol
Oh the bigoted irony
Love love love your content, editing style, and of course personalities! Funny haha moment when Ashe said, "We just want you to know that" @11:24 it immediately cut to a dog food ad that started with, "No living creature should have to eat processed foods for every day of their lives." It just gave such tiktok transition vibes lol Anyways! Thanks for always being so genuine and sharing all that you do!
I get the feeling that guy at Target was raised extremely sheltered. The world is going to overwhelm him, and I hope he has people who can help him survive it.
"it's always white men" ☠️
Truly😂
Ppl are not entitled to any explanation. You two seem very happy and congratulations on the expansion of your family.
Love the way you spoke about this with positivity and no hate to people who don’t understand but come from a place of kindness.
I am physically disabled in a way that Involves what we would once call “disfigurement “and when my mom ,who worked with parents full of kids with disabilities for years, and did great stuff, would do presentations she would always say that it was better for kids to ask questions than to stare. I understand where she was coming from, Except I want them to ask their parents the questions not me. Honestly I’m OK with the kid stares. That was why I used to have pink hair because it gave them a reason that I could pretend wasn’t my face. Sometimes the really rude ones who can’t be distracted, will walk into a pole or something, because they’re walking slowly holding their adult’s hand, dragging along to look at me, they don’t get hurt it’s just funny.
And the thing is again because my condition is strange it’s not a matter of just saying something that parents can learn, like “oh, Jimmy some people can’t walk and so they use chairs with wheels on them to get around. isn’t that cool?” I get people assuming that I was in a fire or something, and so I know that’s what my mom was trying to help eliminate, and that the streets made my family uncomfortable when I was younger. But I’m not responsible for educating everyone, and since every new doctor I go to involves explaining myself and then often doing it to all the resident, interns, nurses etc. I’d rather do that and let the medical professionals know what they’re looking at in the future.
* I have a really rare form of EDS, which is also a confusing thing to say because I don’t have hypermobility or any of the party tricks that people associate with EDS, and the new boom of diagnoses does not effect me much because there are like 11 people with my type, so yeah. Social minorities should not have to educate everyone!
I had a similar experience at the Wayzata DMV titling my car with my wife and the DMV employee asking if we were sisters (do siblings often title cars together?? I do not know) and when we said we were married, the complete overcompensation of "Well, welcome to Minnesota, we're so happy you're here." It's such an uncomfortable though likely well-meant behavior.
I can't imagine expecting someone to answer such personal questions. I have a disabled daughter..and people feeling I need to take on the roll to be their educator drives me nuts..feeling forced to have to be actively teaching people is just too much some days when you are just trying to make it through the day.
Your family is beautiful ❤
Always such lovely and insightful conversation. I really enjoy ur vids
The first guy might not be completely mindful since he was reasonably compromised, but for anyone else ever in these kind of situations where you have questions for people with experiences you don't have and don't want to be rude or pushy about it, literally just ask "Hey, I don't actually know a lot about this, could I ask you a couple questions if you're not too busy?" I love answering questions for people, but people actively asking for help/information makes the situation 1000x less awkward and uncomfortable. It shows someone respects you and your time, makes clear it's fine to leave or assert a boundary at any time, and assures the people you're talking to they don't have to be on the defensive.
#EdinaAnything makes me feel fancy. 😂 SE MN human here. ❤ Thank you for your openness, candor, with lots of education and laughter.
What I would be worried about is things people could say to my kids, if I choose to have them. I wouldn't want my kids to see me as someone who could experience severe discrimination until they are a bit older. I think that would make it difficult to create a sense of safety for them?
For years it has been on us to educate the masses so they wouldnt come at us with pitchforks. It is always been that way. People are just jerks and refuse to learn for themselves. Every society has the nosy looky lous.
Cis men want you to feel excepted only on their terms... so yes by sharing personal info etc. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences
Do you ever push back on those invasive questions? Like "thats personal" or "we don't want to talk about that"?
Do I as a queer smile when I see queer couples? Yes Do I say anything ? No
Now that you’ve had these experiences, do you think you’ll respond differently if someone else asks intrusive questions, even if well intentioned?
I heard about a trans man whose TODDLERS were assaulted by a group of transphobic teens. Glad to know y'all haven't had to endure that!
I love love this storytime video. I appreciate your underlying humor because all you can do is laugh at other's stupidity.
I love that you guys are in my area and it’s nice to note that we aren’t the only ones that it can feel awkward I am blind and have a guide dog and my two partners have kids and have hearing impaired and mobility issues yah we can be a bit much in public but I just wanted to say how you guys handled the public interaction was awesome
It really is always cishet white men. I had a coworker at my last job who fit that bill completely who one evening decided he REALLY wanted to know the significance of my ace pride ring. It was late, and I was tired and didn’t want to play educator, so I tried to brush him off multiple times and he just kept pushing. Eventually I just said "it's a pride ring" and he goes "oh.....[long awkward pause].....I didn’t know you were gay?"
This was all happening in Florida, so you can imagine why I wasn't exactly shouting my secuality from the rooftops.
Anyway, I just kind of went "yep, I am" and walked away from said coworker, and he never brought it up again, but like...after I've deflected your question THREE times, maybe consider that you should just stop asking 😪😅
every cis white men i ever met are the nicest to lgbtq
@@Finnn.07 that has not been my experience at all
@@Izzy-cp8yt well I guess it different in every country I’m in Serbia
I think you guys such cool people and I can imagine that you are both wonderful parents ✨xx
Cis Mum here, please don’t look badly on us if we are naive, my gay, single daughter at age 29 told me she was pregnant, my first response was “how?”, (I thought I’d never be a grandma), she explained about the donor & so on…. Now 9 years later, my granddaughter has Mummy & Mum ❤❤❤
Asking your child, if you have a loving relationship with them ofc, is much different than what they're talking about. These are strangers asking inappropriate questions, that are found easily via Google.
Hope you can see the difference. No hate meant either, just trying to educate.❤
I think it’s lovely you’re watching vids like this :)
@@xdani_thethinkingneko thank you 😊
@@galaxychar I do try to educate myself with these videos 😊
I grew up in Minnetonka. The attitude of entitlement to information that is none of your business is so real…
Me and my partner have been trying to get pregnant with ovulation inducing drugs for over 3 years. We haven't moved to IVF yet. But it's always interesting to see how people who don't have issues having babies don't know the details. And that's ok.
16:56 This is the look of love ❤
Whoa….we shop at the same target…..we have literally been at the same place. That is wonderful, I am so pleased. Sending love (I also do not live in Edina but go for the good produce)
I get that the woman was trying to be supportive and I try not to snap back. But I have. found being told by a stranger that I'm parenting well to be condescending. They see it as an anomaly and made the arrogant assumption that I want their evaluation. I feel the same way when I'm told as a black person that I'm so articulate as if that is so surprising and as if I asked for approval.
When y’all mentioned “we’re pregnant,” I know in this context it means “we’re both preparing for this birth and baby(ies)” but my brain spent the rest of the video thinking about what it would be like if both members of a partnership literally were pregnant at the same time. I imagine it would be super difficult, especially if they’re on approximately the same timeline! I wonder if anyone has experienced that?
ash where is your shirt from? it looks awesome !!
Interesting video! I can’t believe some people feel so entitled, but then I’m not really surprised at the same time 🥲 Both my partner and I are autistic so when we have kids they’ll probably be autistic too, and although we seem like a cis-het couple to the outside I know we’ll be perceived and marginalised as a ‘different family’ so I appreciate you mentioning other communities (although you probably weren’t thinking of neurodivergence/invisible disabilities 😂)
Lmao Every Day I Need Attention Edina.. IYKYK
Talking about being loud and then showing the title card of "on being a queer parent" my brain thought for a second that it said "on being a quiet parent" lol
You guys seem like awesome parents 🥰🌈 love from australia
i dont think its well intentioned hoenstly.. i think theyre trying to serve their curiosity even if its not aggressive..its passive aggressive to me. if it was well intentioned they would have said "you have a cute family" or "hi your babies are cute"
you guys are cool im subing 😊
The approving but physically intrusive people are the most worrying to me. Like, do you not have enough to do that imagining and confirming a narrative about the people around you is how you spend your days? The relationship between all other groups of two or more people in the world is a mystery but when theyre gay you NEED to know what they’re doing and become included in their life and day with blatantly creepy behavior
Obviously aside from overt homophobes
The wild unrestrained curiosity is...awkward. It's certainly a lot better than outright maliciousness, but it's like people think queer people are zoo animals. Like you're not a real person, so the usual social norms don't have to be applied. It's weird.
also on the topic of parenting. im so curious what the new version of curated kids games and internet will be. back in my day it was the gameboy advance and the aero- whatchamecallit aesthetic and educational games on cd's. sometimes i feel like inovation for kids bubles up to innovation for adults bc people are parnets and everbody shares the same culture. I WANT NEW SHIT. the internet and tech has been in the same space for a while now.
OF COURSE IT WAS THE EDINA TARGET LMAO
The edina target'll getcha
The man in the line at urgent care could have instead said something like "With sick kiddos you guys probably haven't had much sleep. Do you want to go ahead of me in the line?" Then it's recognising you both as the parents, and more importantly, recognising you as the same as any other parents who are there to get their sick kiddos medical attention. That's... if saying anything at all, that is.
Yay
Tbf I would love to have gay parents my age or older around. I know noone queer with a family. so it seems like such an impossible goal.
Theres no life map, so if I wasn't an awkward brit ha, I'm sure Id ask questions for my own benefit... if it was appropriate lol
He looked like a zombie. I have a 2 puppies 12 weeks old. So I know the look well.
first heeeheee
i love ur pfp!
@@bonesbeans6053 thank youuuu
Tell them to Google it :P
ACOTAR!!!!
why is a random comment mentioning a court of thornes and roses .... what did i do to have my brain be flung back into that series AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA 😅
Second!
marrige - why does anyone care who you join up with? Geeze !!
This is a completely Sincere question ⁉️ What makes you Transgender.
Please answer. Thanks.
Having a gender different than the one you were assigned at birth. What makes you your gender?
@@waffles3629 hi. Then they are NOT actually Trans. Thanks for clarifying.
@@kavitadeva Hi, quick question. Are you stupid?
@@kavitadevaok, so you should've left out the "sincere" in your first question, if you only came here to invalidate someone else's personal experience.
@@kavitadeva What do you think makes a person transgender?
You are in sin. You need to repent.
9:30 not gonna lie, but I (white, cis, female, queer, ADHS) might be that guy... I would NEVER talk to you or dream of asking invasive questions... because I am socially awkward af, and I try to be a decent human... BUT! I get so uncontrollably happy when I see other queer folks in puplic! I would definitally have looked at you and smiled a lot just because it makes me so happy to see other queers living their best lives! BUT NEVER FEEL ENTITLED TO ASK INVASIVE QUESTIONS! Asking invasive questions IS NEVER OK! Even if you are part of the queer community or an ally. Not ok, do not do this. Smile at them, be (maybe overly) friendly... Do not ask invasive questions. Not cool.
I got an ad for top surgery underneath this video! I used to get uhm... let's just say ads in the opposite direction on this type of videos so I'll take it as a win