Central Time Zone- Nortb America: btw: technical support team and admin staff at Doctor Ramani Durvasula, Ph.D. ; thank you 😊: again; thank you 😊/ Austin, Texas - AUS
Please can you let us know? Prayers for your protection! You are a element of Gods will in this society! In the name of God our prayer is to ask for your safety!!
I still remember when I was 16 and someone at church whispered to me “why is your dad so mean to you?”. That was the first time in my life that I felt seen. I said I didn’t know and that was the end of that conversation. But I still have so much love for that lady because she saw what no one else did.
That validation is kind of shocking. And I found I defended him for years. The day I really felt validated was when I had to get a protective order and after judge was shocked and believed it all I went in the hallway and cried for an hour. My DV advocate was confused. I said “Nobody in authority has ever believed what’s been happening.” Of course it was not the end of the abuse however it was the beginning of the healing process.
@@lynylcullen8370EXACTLY. When I finally confided with people about something that my dad did and they reacted “wtf that’s sexual harassment” and it made me realize that what happened with my dad wasn’t normal. I’m still mourning who I thought my father was
@ - Indeed. We make so many excuses for them in our minds without even knowing it for decades. The truth eludes us until the moment it’s all shattered. Even then that “voice” plagues me. Such heartbreak is nearly impossible to explain to those who bought into the facade. The amount of energy it took to push the truth away left me exhausted. It’s been 4 years of reconciling the truth with the “memories”. Last year the smear campaign and retaliation took me to the edge. I’m thankful for the education from Dr Ramani. And the support of people like you. It validates that I’m not alone and we can heal together
Yeh I agree and even worse when u find out yr own mother been backstabbing u to other siblings that u don’t talk to anymore due to a fathers passing and the separation is all stemming from jealousy and envy! Come from them of course! I am done either way this family because I have been unsupported and used as the scapegoat to blame for everything! God sees I’m a truth teller and has been trying to show me all my enemies including the toxic ppl in my bloodline! The universe and god are my witnesses! I have done nothing wrong to these narcs it’s the other way around! I just mind my own business and try my best to get by in this thing called life?!!! 😇 I’m not perfect but I am not wicked, cold & fake like these ppl they are pure evil & cowards too!!!!
Exactly. Everyone is so kind calling it this i have many other names i can call them. More truthful names such as abusive personality behavior. APB this way we can get straight to the point. Evil personality type. Pure Evil.
@@neptunelove8534 This is harmful though and only stigmatizes personality disorders/mental health issues. Narcissistic personality disorder (which only effects about 0.8% of the worlds population) is a genuine personality disorder that people struggle with which is most of the time caused by childhood trauma (sometimes it's genetic). People with NPD can be good ppl despite their personality disorder, and it is something they need therapy for. However, people tend to confuse NPD (Narcissistic personality disorder) with highly manipulative and abusive people. And someone may have narcissistic traits and yet not be diagnosed with NPD. And usually ppl misdiagnose abusive ppl as narcissists.
All this began on Christmas Eve last year. I called out the narcissist without labeling them as such and was so triggered it took me a week to recover. Later, I dealt with a narcissistic enabler who excused the behavior by saying, 'Oh, they're just worried about someone.' I replied, 'That doesn’t give them the right to take it out on you.' I was called childish and then blocked. At this point they're gonna have to deal with that narcissist person. I am so glad I dodged the bullet.
I spent a week with my "person with strong narcissistic tendencies." After this person left I had the worst sciatica attack of my life. I had no energy for a month, being essentially lifeless. I feel for all of the people who are stuck in narcissistic relationships and I thank the good doctor for explaining that not everyone has the ability to just walk away from the abuser. I asked a great (in all senses of the word) friend of mine when it became inescapable that his/her mother really wasn't on her/his side. The response was it took until age 50 to stop trying to satisfy the mother. And my friend is incredibly bright and insightful. Have empathy for other victims and especially, BE NICE TO YOURSELF.
@@FutureFendiFsnista " saw this whole situation coming but didn’t realize how intense it would be. Thankfully, with time apart, I recovered quickly. These people were narcissistic, and I sensed their energy from the start. I always limited my time with them, spending only half an hour daily because I knew they would drain my energy. That’s how sensitive I am to it.
@@TheKrispyfort 🤣🤣🤣🤣. I had never thought of it that way. Standing up for yourself is a good indication of ABS filter as well.. thank you so much. You gave me a good laugh.
In my younger, funnier days, I once got tired of my evil stepmother degrading me by rubbing in my face in front of my father and others that my mother was insane, and without thinking it through I quipped: “well, dad knows how to pick ‘em lol”.. The coldness, cruelty, sabotaging, etc. from her that ensued for nearly a decade (before I finally went NC with my entire family) nearly destroyed my and my little daughter’s lives.
As a stepmother, I am sorry she treated you that way, it breaks my heart because I adore my stepdaughter and I know if I ever spoke ill of her mother (not in the picture we have sole custody) it would destroy who she is because she knows she is part of her bio mother. Nobody should ever talk to a child in that manner. Sending you hugs from afar. So glad you're away from her.
Or how the meltdown destroys you or your children, then he turns around and is completely happy and finally in a good mood while you're reeling. I used to think that maybe he was bipolar because the change-up was crazy. Now I realize the meltdown was intentional and felt good to him to wreck those around him.
@@wlckszlzkkn My narc has a diagnosis of bipolar disorder, but they also have a whole complex of narcissistic traits. The diagnosis came really late in life, after 60. They are also an alcoholic. That has made life incredibly confusing for me for the last 20 years and for them their entire life. 😳
This quote from you is universal and should be written in a book of the most meaningful quotes ever spoken: "In the absence of truth, and trust, and honesty, there's absolutely no possibility for a relationship." This is exactly why forgiveness without true and faithful repentance is nothing but a license to the offender to continue. Forgiveness, in itself, is so often mistaken for the thing that will restore the relationship. So many - especially Christians - errant in this belief are shamed by others as if they were the perpetrator if they do not go along with this narrative. True REPENTANCE is the other partner that is required in the restored relationship dance.
The last narcassist I dealt with I told him he was a narcassist and his reply was....ok so i feel we should never speak ever again. This was a blessing in disguise . I never heard from him ever again.
This happened, only once. Afterwards, he was always careful not to let the beast show publicly. He and his brother were talking on the porch, as I was sweeping the stairs. I fell all the way down. The narc blurted out,” What’s the matter with you, can’t you even walk now ?”. His brother was appalled he said,” Sam what if she is hurt.” The brother came down to check on me and help me up. I told him, “This is what I have to live with every day.”
What is bloody painful is they call the truth teller the liar and mark them as the problem. As the truth teller is falling apart trying to just say the truth. It can make a truth teller feel like they are suffering their death.
I recently cut off my adoptive parents after 40 years of trying to deal with the physical and emotional abuse. I was in and out of state homes and fostercare before that. I don't know where to begin. Thank you for the videos. I am cautiously moving forward.
I had to walk away from narcissistic parents 33 years ago because of physical and emotional abuse in my childhood and ongoing emotional abuse when I became an adult.
I cut off my mother almost 5 years ago, when I was 56 years old. It was so hard, but necessary after a lifetime of constant abuse. I couldn't take the gaslighting, manipulation, and lies anymore! I was close to having a breakdown.
@JackieFerrell-f6o Thank you for commenting. I'm so glad I'm not alone. My parents shape-shifted and fooled many people. I kept the secret of abuse for years. Here's to healing!!
@@mamared7374 I am so glad that I could help. When I read that someone else has gone through a similar situation and/or decision to walk away, this helps me to understand that I am not the only one who has had to go through this which helps me m feel better that I made the right choice. I'm slowly improving my self esteem and my self respect which was shattered before I knew what I had to do. In my healing process I am reconnecting with myself, too. I have been surprised to find out who I am along with ideas I wasn't aware of because I hid who was out of self preservation.
Dr. Ramani, after enduring the whole narcissistic relationship from beginning to end, the trauma bond included, the worst and hardest part has not been from the narcissist. It was the case in the beginning. But the long term healing I face every day is from all my trusted friends who completely believed the narcissist and have totally turned their backs on me to this today. I’m pretty much over the narcissist. But the betrayal trauma has been by far the most devastating part of the entire experience. 💔
when you hurt the narcissist, he will hold it against you for years to come, bring it up again and again at every possible opportunity, and never ever forgive you, even if you did nothing on purpose and have apologized a hundred times. mine holds my first pregnancy against me. yes, he is the father. we were already married. and yes, it happened 24 years ago.
A memory like an elephant. Forget your birthday or important event, no problem. But not putting the toothbrush back in the 'right' way back in 1978, you will hear about it. Almost phenomenal memory tbh. My mother still attacked my father over stuff of over 50 years ago. He went no-contact (last few years). They've been divorced since the 70s. Don't feel badly, my sins have been documented in detail since primary school.
OMG! Yes, I went on vacation with a narc who absolutely destroyed my vacation by humiliating me repeatedly in front of strangers for no reason ( he had me walking on eggshells as I was trying to avoid his tirades ). He then had the nerve to say that he was angry with me for making him lose his temper in front of other people! We came back to the US and I was shattered while he was refreshed and feeling brand new! Of course, there was no accountability. I was just too sensitive.
Of course you were the villian in his eyes, not in actuality of course. I think they mistreat people in front of others just to show off, even make it appear like you aren't in a close relationship with them, to get other sources of supply and to feel superior, like you're just a personal assistant.😢
Yes...Dr. Ramani, please be safe out there in Southern California. I miss living there, but my heart aches for you and all others who are enduring these tragedies. 😢 Sending ❤️❤❤love to you.
A narc won't fib to spare your feelings, but they'll do this thing where they'll smirk and do an exaggerated lie with the intention of showing it might be something you are out-of-touch enough to buy. It's meant to ridicule your vulnerable position. Never cook for, host, or serve a narc if you can possibly avoid it.
Im curious why you say not to cook for or host a narc. I am dealing with my n friend neighbor and his wife who is an enabler. They eat like toddlers and are highly critical of anything they don’t cook for themselves. Your comment piqued my interest!!
From Jan 2024 til today, this has been the worst and best year of my life. So much pain, toxicity, terrible things. And then so much love, help, light, supernatural gifts, answers to lifelong questions plus so much more. If I had to do it all over again I would -hands-down. Fact that I’m malleable and a teachable spirit is one of my saving graces. I’m so glad to be here !!! What a ride! ❤
I was not weak when I was still married. I played by the rules for my than little kids sake. Unfortunately, the adult kids have been brainwashed, angry etc etc over the years. I finally got that final blow. Kids no longer communicate with me anymore. Disappointed but not dead. Also, a lot more educated on narcissism & have grown almost invincible. I would not hesitate to destroy the ex if the need arise . I have zero tolerance for narcissistic individuals.
Caught my narcissistic spouse in a big lie. For months she denied and kept denying it switching up her story. Finally I showed her all of the documents and proof. She had no ground to lie on anymore, so she says, "ok, yes I lied and I shouldn't have lied, but can we talk about the reason that I had to lie?" 😐
I've experienced this several times. Busted, mask shattered the whole game crumbles. Lies exposed. Etc,etc,etc. Let's be clear this is way beyond the manipulation game that keeps us bonded for their supply. And this narcissist absolutely disappears forever. You don't need to do anything. You are now a major threat just by simply seeing who they are. But they can't change. So they step over to other sources of supply. And it's so far away from any level of being a human as you experience life. That you really have trouble understanding what happened. It's confusing. And this is where pros like Dr.Ramani help us.
My dad was notorious for this behavior. As a result, I would always try to manage even the adults around me so that they wouldn't say anything even if he was wrong.
Anything I've ever done that has been wrong or displeased my parents is the worst thing in the world. Anything they have done, I'm ungrateful, difficult, too sensitive or my favourite "you expect too much from people"! Did wonders for my psyche lol.
I remember my narc ex boyfriend, when I would try to talk to him about something he said/did that hurt me, he would say with a look of contempt "Wow, you really expect a lot out of me, don't you"? As if I was the one with the problem!
@@christinelamb1167I really hate those looks of contempt. My mother and father have never been joyful at a success but they're all over it with mistakes. Makes everything miserable. Life is damn hard enough as it is.
High hopes leads to big disappointments..... And entitlement will lead to even bigger disappointments... Never think that a narcissist will change for you.....
The “magic” of the good Doctor, is her describing our experience, either before or after the event. Troy Aikman was once asked what is the most exciting moment of playing football. He said it was the ten seconds of having called a play, get up to the line, look at the defensive setup, and know the outcome of the next five five seconds…before it happens. Narcissists are addicted to that “premonition”, and setup everything and everybody all around them to get that fix, that hit, at every chance they get.
I witnessed mommy dearest calling her grandchild/ my lil 5 year old nephew an arsshole, in front of a large group at one of her many weddings. I told her: "He's not an arsshole- he's a five year old little boy!" After seeing his head bow in shame, I took his little hand and played with him for the rest of the entire day outside. I NEVER deserved her mindfukcery scapegoating, and I would NEVER stand by and watch her abuse another child again- despite the hell fury and flames that followed me after I called her out. RIP Destroyer of Lives: Lynn Hajdu/West/Basch/etc/etc/etc.... 🙄- a certainly earned title.
I hear all this and my eyes are opened to what my mother did to me from the time I was born and I just want to explode in Anger at what she did to me, she ruined my life. Did this happen to anybody else?
My betrayal was naming names to someone who asked who may or may not have been in a position of authority. Everything thing Dr Ramani said is true. I wished I had done it sooner because it finally led to the narcissist stating he wanted to divorce. The best thing ever! Although it took me many months of therapy and Dr Ramani to understand that. Thank you Dr Ramani you are truly a godsend
When you publically out a narcissist's betrayal ( cheating) and move far away and go no contact, that's one situation in which she cannot hurt you, emotionally abuse or take revenge.
My narcissistic sister told me that I have to apologize on Facebook for something that I wrote about her 7 years ago that hurt her feelings. I wasn't aware that this even occurred. I apologized to her but now she says that I need to write her an apology on that forum and she has to approve it first. Talk about controlling and crazy making!
I wish I had pointed out a "mask slip" I noticed in the early days, to my son, I could have saved him 10 traumatic years and ultimately a devastating divorce and heartache for him and my grandchildren😢
I noticed my own mask slip and still working on it. We are responsible to notice when our mask slips. Not just pertaining to narcissistic folks. My bully mother told me that I think that I'm always right, and I said, that's cause I am. It was to not bow down in front of both my abusive parents and not have my financial situation with them dismissed. But it took me a long time to see something about myself in that moment that was deeply wrong and had there been a more healthier relationship with my parents, i would have the support to navigate that. But it's not lost now. Even when the world can put us in arbitraties of whether we were abused or not. This area of noticing your mask slip is just like dr. Ramani says that betrayal is a separate event. So whether i was abused in situations or not. I always notice my inner beliefs come up and I want to work on them. You can't argue with unsafe people whether you are correct or not. But you can work with safe people to figure out whether our narrative makes sense and why we are wrong and how we maybe right in doing what was best needed to do.
Timely video. I just said ENOUGH did a door slam on a long time “friend of our family” after maintaining very limited grey rock contact. I changed my cell number and I know the “apology” or rage letter will be coming as written word is her favorite communication. I intend to refuse it. When I’m done I’m done . Thank you for all your helpful content.❤
Hey... this is my fourth year of listening to Dr. Ramani, by 'chance' when recovering from an injury. I've learned enough to 'hear', i.e. understand how these behaviors. I see that my parent's behavior, even though praised by my best friend, chiseled my subdued temperament, etc. Today, I'm snowed-in, thank God for the time to review this material. I see it differently now with a greater understanding through maturity of my understanding of (my) experiential reality.
Our experience with an in-law has been heartbreaking for so many reasons. Thanks for your info. I'm afraid we can only do the best we can to protect ourselves.
I remember when I was 14 or so(over 40 years ago) I had a friend who would tell lies often, and one time he lied to me about something completely inconsequential; it made no sense at all. I decided a few months later to try it on him. I had gotten a new bowling ball and I told him it was a different weight, or different color(can't remember exactly) for no reason at all. Two kind of strange things happened. First, it didn't feel right at all - I just felt icky, fake, and rather stupid. Second, somehow this person knew I was lying, and called me out on it. So that was the end of that experiment for me. I still to this day don't understand it but occasionally I will come across somebody who does this(tells an inconsequential lie). This explanation you give, why narcissists do this sometimes, helps my understanding.
You truly are amazing!!!! I always hated when people defended me, I didn't really know why. Now that you are talking about this (5:50), it was a light bulb for me. This is why I love and crave to be invisible!
19 years after the divorce, my main narc (my parents are dead; they blamed their marital problems on my sibling and I) is my ex who would keep bullying me for money, when my lawyer proved he owes ME. I've blocked him entirely. Sadly, my failures and the narc's leaned our younger child into narcissism as well. My younger now will have nothing more to do with me as I'm no longer subsidizing his self-destructive lifestyle while being his punching bag. Sadly, for self preservation, I'm done with both adults.
Your first example was a line for line depiction of my last argument with my Mother 2 yrs ago. It was a pattern over years to keep me from “embarrassing” her. This last time I stood up and refused to let her bully. She wiped her hands clean and my family followed suit so as not to poke the bear. Hardest, most fulfilling 2 yrs of my life. Thank you for making these!
That was interesting. I remember my BIL throwing a particularly nasty tantrum in front of family visitors. It slowly dawned on him that he was being laughed at. By everyone except his targeted victim. Things got so much worse then, as his humiliation was added to his list of grievances. It was really quite frightening.
Thank you. This podcast is helpful because my family member is presently trying to put me through the ringer as you have described. NC seems to be my way forward to a semblance of peace of mind.
As a caregiver, I have to protect my mother...I have been accused of isolating her from a narcissist relative and his enabling apologist spouse. The projection...the gaslighting....but insinuating that I was the problem, and that my protection constitutes elder abuse was the last straw - some relationships cannot be repaired, some dysfunctions can't be fixed, some damages never heal. A good day is when we don't even mention their names. 😥
@christopherkennedy873, If your mother feels the same way you do, and she's able to, they need to hear her say it to them, that you two are in agreement. That ought to get them to bugger off! I also had a similar situation, and you're correct in that some relationships cannot be repaired. Especially ones where you're being falsely accused of elder abuse. In my case, three in laws were fearful that I was trying to steal my mother's money. But did any of my three siblings ever try to help with her care? Hell, NO! They made themselves scarce!!
@notagain779 exactly - mom is kind of old school ( literally - 92! 🤣) - she does not like confrontation - and is frail and timid - the ignoring boundaries, lies, refusal to REALLY apologize, defection, projection ..yadda yadda you know the drill... EXHAUSTING! I've let them know WITH her acknowledgement and agreement, that the pain SHE feels is her OWN ( and I'm merely provided a voice of protest that she is otherwise unable to speak - the frustration and ANGER are MINE. Homie don't play that game anymore. I'm a heart patient, and I can't take the stress. It saddens mom ( the whole family did not fair well during COVID - with a few refusing to mask in her presence, or lying about doing so the few times I allowed them to escort her to funerals) So they are the "last man standing" from the core family group. But I can't do it - It is by my influence that they are still beneficiaries in her will ( not a large estate) because SHE wanted them cut out or diminished, but I didn't want the blame or venom...which I'm already getting anyway... "No good deed goes unpunished" 🫤 Unfortunately, the closure, freedom, and peace I seek will most likely only materialize after she passes - and I get to remove these toxic vipers from my life entirely. Heartbreaking. 😢
@@christopherkennedy873 , Yes, closure and peace after your mom passes. Unfortunately, that's what it takes, and I am there. It's a great relief, even though I miss her, and the outcome with "family" is not what I would have wished for. I wish you relief from your stress. I have an idea for your mom. If the core family group comes to see her, she could drop a few sentences to them indicating how much she appreciates you, that you're good to her, etc...let that sink in to their brains. My mother did this for me whenever she got the chance to. They didn't exactly like knowing that I was loved by and appreciated by her, but it did seem to shut them up a bit. They probably thought she was going to favor me in her will. My sister even a few times, tried to turn her against me! My mom left equal amounts to each of us in her will, but I was the only one she gave money generously to while she was still alive. I was losing income while care giving, and her lawyer suggested it to lower her taxes. It was also tax free money for me that I didn't have to declare. My toxic vipers would contest that for sure, but none of them will ever know, ha-ha!! As her lawyer said, "There is no amount of money so small that people won't fight over it." One of his clients had even sued a sibling for ownership of a stuffed toy from childhood!! I understand your mother not wanting confrontation. My mom was similar and also timid - wanted everyone to just get along. Sometimes it's the in-laws who cause the most upset, as they start salivating over what their spouse might inherit. My heart goes out to you and your dear mom! 🙏🏼
@@christopherkennedy873 , I'll rewrite here what I posted a day ago, but I think it didn't go through. I understand the stress you're under, since I experienced almost the same exact thing. Unfortunately, sometimes it does take the death of the person who is dear to you, before you can get some relief from siblings and in laws. Something my mother did for me in the last years of her life while living to be 99 in assisted living, was to often say to my siblings, how much she appreciated all I had done for her, and that I had been good to her. (over 15 years, and with periods of lost income because of it.) They didn't like knowing that we were close. However, it did get them off of my back somewhat. I would have thought that they would be happy that she felt safe and comforted in her last years, but their motives are only selfish, and about money, no doubt worried that she might favor me in her will. She didn't, and I didn't expect her to. We all got equal shares. My mother also was timid and avoided any confrontation. She just wanted everyone to get along and be happy. These days that certainly IS old school! If your mom is okay with dropping a few appreciative sentences about you to your core family group, maybe some feathers could be smoothed. In any case, it's awful that you would be accused of elder abuse!! I wish you and your dear mom all the best.
Yes there are. I had the misfortune of having to spend two weeks with one at an overseas wedding. She decimated the bride’s mother at her only child’s wedding celebrations. It was horrendous.
@@rosella1919 someone wise once said that a narcissist is always “the baby at a christening, the bride/groom at a wedding and the body at a funeral. In other words the attention HAS to be on them regardless of the occasion 🤨
The therapist asked if I wanted to live together like sister and brother.. I said no that I didn'tcare to do that. Then he shocks with more information taking anything that could have been left. Yet, he still says he plans to retire at 62, he wants me to work, he will have a small farm and side work. When alone, he has said enough to paint the picture of waiting until I am out of the picture until he lives his real life. Why can't we just go our separate ways then? Is he just waiting for my parents to pass for a big pay off?
A bigger question is why are you still in this relationship now that you know he has shown himself to be fine with being an unloving parasite rather than a loving partner? I do understand fear, but quietly preparing to split is empowering. And yes most likely he sees an inheritance payday coming.
@lynnebucher6537 Without getting into too much like a parent in hospice, and not having had worked much of my married life.. We are in therapy, we don't have any left at home, his behavior has gotten much more coercive since, it is clear I was future faked, and now I am going through medical procedures and waiting on results. Obviously I was looking forward to this time in my life.
What about narcissists that are so entitled and bad liars? They lie and when called on it like again. When I provide evidence I still get accused of lying. I'm talking about a property manager,/owner who fabricate violation notices and retaliate for over 3 years for reporting discrimination
There is always fixing it if the person who did the wrong thing goes away and takes a look at the behaviour that caused the issue and makes a concrete effort to change the behaviour, if the person wronged is open to having the relationships healed of course. If they see nothing wrong with their behaviour.. I don’t see how there is any going back.
@@kristyrobinson1979 this is what I’m having trouble within myself. I KNEW he was a narcissist bc he watched me cry after my cat died and decided to go into a narcissist rage bc I couldn’t come see him. He acted so bizarre, up until that point he seemed perfect. He turned into a monster. Then after that I tried to rationalize to myself that his abandonment wound had been triggered, even though the things he said to me were so belittling and hateful. He said some things that sounded like an apology but when I went back he actually never did apologize, he just waited long enough and messaged me like I hope you’re doing okay and I started talking to him again. What I can’t understand about myself is that I KNEW he did not feel one ounce of guilt about it but rather blamed me. I kept asking him if he understood what empathy is. It’s like where common understanding should be he just felt entitlement to my time on his time. I blocked him for a month and started talking to him again when I got lonely. This time I started to fall for him and he came out of left field with some accusations and stuff that were just as bizarre as the first time. He acted like the first tantrum was just in the past and any time I tried to talk about it at all, he would fly hot. I don’t get why I go out of my way to find men who refuse to understand me, take everything out of context, resent and blame me, plus really aren’t that interested in who I am as a person. I am starting to think it actually is all men. They would say I’m the common denominator but I was very kind to this man, patient and understanding. He somehow took my concerns and turned them into insults and accusations. It’s just all crazy making. I have a lot of inner work to do bc I’m 39 and have only had relationships with people who don’t see me at all.
@@kristyrobinson1979 I said all that to say like what you said about going away and looks at their behavior but why I would go back for more knowing that he lacked empathy and had no self-awareness and blamed me for his craziness… I’m like do I really hate myself to do that to myself? It’s crazy making behavior
Hello Dr. Ramani. Very true of narcissists behavior that tell lies. My thoughts and prayers are with you during the devastating wildfires in L.A., hoping that the environmental conditions clears immediately.
Dr. Ramani! I just learned about the wildfire near your area and wanted to express my concern. I sincerely hope you and your team are safe. Please keep us updated on your situation-we’re deeply worried about you.
Dear Dr. Ramani, I hope this message finds you well. I wanted to take a moment to express my gratitude for your book, “Should I Go…,” which I purchased some time ago and have been following you. Your insights have greatly illuminated my journey in relationships. The wisdom you share has not only been educational for me personally but has also enriched my ministry, enabling me to provide courage, comfort, and nonjudgmental support to those who are struggling. Thank you for the impactful work you do. Faithfully, Dr. Clara I. Stephens, Ph.D., BCC, M.Div., M.A.
I disagree that it is devastating when a third party acknowledges the narcissist's bad treatment of you. On the rare occasion that this has happened to me, I felt validated, even if it was just for the instant until the toxic person jumped in and blamed me for their behaviour. 6:11
This is relatable. For 3 years, every Thursday, the narc and I would be around the same group of people. The narcs action of public abuse was to [purposely] forget my glass of water when ordering his drink at the bar. He'd leave me at the table, walk up to the bar and order his beer, and come back to the table without my water. He denies his alcoholism and can't stop drinking once he starts, so for the entire night, it's..."One more beer, one more beer, one more beer... Most of the night, I'm left alone at the table, while he socializes the room. Well, one night, a fellow PO observed the narc and I having a disagreement. The man walked overto where I was sitting, knelt down on one knee, and asked, "is everything okay?" OH MY GOD, the narc husband seen the mans concern and had an instant narcissistic flare-up. He grabbed his coat and immediately said to me, we're going now! And mumbled how the fellow blue brother was lucky he didn't get punched. So yes, like you commented, being seen, and acknowledged was important [for me] leaving the narc, and no contact whatsoever.
@itchysheets1222 Eventually his contemptuous abuse caught up with him, and I filed a police report. Oh I'm sure he's beyond devastated with himself, because now the whole department knows about his most personal information. 💪💜
🙏🏽please do a segment on coercion gaslighting gangstalking narcissists that like to group up project and harrass people they target into accepting indirect negative behaviors that like to use their positions to abuse their power. all for some type of reaction.
Yep, told him not to text or handle his cell phone while driving….at least when I am in the car. Holy cow! Cannot ask for anything. There was always a price to pay.
That Promethian story was a cheery one.....I listened all the way thru to find some positive outlook, not today. I went no/low contact and wonder whether the pain will end. They are now the betrayed ones...,......and I am blamed
Quit my job yesterday becaise of a narcissistic boss who constantly reminded me how intelligent, smart , sharp amd clever she is . She told me she is more intelligent than chat gpt. I couldn't be myself around her , I was always walking on eggshells not knowing what mood she will be in. I wanted to do the right thing and address her behaviour but i realised she isn't very self aware and would just get angry and not agree as she thought she was so perfect. She called everyone in the company and idiot and cannot do their job , everyone is lazy and she's the only reason the company has any success . She was draining my energy. Handed my notice in and have never felt more relieved .
Omg, so spot on about how they look and seem all regulated and calm while you look like the crazy one. And these relationships show up also in the form of friendships, roommates, etc and It's so hard to recognize because it's so subtle and nuanced and doesn't always manifest in such an obvious or extreme way. But it's so truly devastating to the whole being.
*Lying for sport.* YES THEY DO. Lying about nothing important (when not even trying to gas light). I took it to mean, apart from the power/control thing (like what's to 'control' about nothing important?) as a kind of 'exercise' for them. You know, like working out in the gym to build muscle, they are exercising their lying to keep it in tip top form!
That makes sense. They hurt you, you stay in the hurt and when it's done over and over equals cptsd. They turn it into anger hate and vindictiveness, protect themselves and hurt you all the more. So nothing gets solved, you're crippled with pain and doubt and they stand there 'cleanly', perceived regulation and vitriol, until they decide you've auffered enough. Until the next time.
It's just like at church where we were constantly told we all had to accept our dads being rage monsters because of the stress of supporting us all but none of us kids asked for that and they said letting the moms get jobs would be a sin. People could see your dad scream at you at every family event but each time it was written off as a unique response to the horrible stress he was under working 40 hrs a week at an office job. And since everyone's dad was doing it, we all just accepted it as normal. We were told those happy neighbors where the kids went to daycare and both parents worked so the dad's were loving and kind were all living in worldy sin because the daycare wasn't going to indoctrinate the kids into religion.
If you focus on this educational stuff, Dr. Ramani, as the inherent nature of Cruelty rather than on the Narcissist in one video, I think it would help a younger me who could not accept that what my dad did to me was abusive. Dr. Ramani, our narcissistic parents challenged our conception of love at an early age. I think it makes us care more about what behaviors are kind versus cruel. I Just LOVE your videos on how victims of this kind of abuse can see narcissistic tendencies in themselves as bad, when in actuality, those people have had to suppress most of their wants and needs most of the time, sometimes for literal years on end. I'm thankful some people only experience this severe emotional abuse at the hands of 1 short term partner, fucked up as that is to be thankful about that. Short term often means easier to leave. ❤🎉 Good luck! ❤️
Him: Everyone is always asking why I even keep bothering to have anything to do with you? Me: Good question. Why do you? (He thought I was there to beg for forgiveness. I was there to cut ties) With that individual, I keep myself as unpalatable as possible. I make sure that reconnecting with me is too humiliating. So far, so good. During group meeting after years of group bullying Her: respect is earned, not given. Me: okay, let me know when you're ready to earn it. Her: you've got to give respect to get respect. Me: okay, let me know when you're ready to give it. IDGAF any more, Amanda 🙃 Leaving an abusive intimate partner is like treating a games if random chance gambling addiction. Maybe one more go and I'll win the Jackpot... Nostalgia can trigger a craving. Detoxing from ongoing trauma inducing and enabling environments is like dealing with substance abuse. My brain craves a hit of drama just to take the edge off. We're dealing with a brain that is undergoing changes to its structures. The quiet can trigger a craving. People need to be more mindful of the fact that our brains have to undergo restructuring and learn how to structure for a productive environment 😓 Damned, it's exhausting
He threw a full public temper tantrum because he couldnt zip my son's coat and because i had expected him to zip a broken zipper. I zipped it with no comment. Suddenly we had to switch social circles because too many people were "in his business" about something that wasnt even a big deal.
I never felt more validated than when his brother saw a rage and finally got it.There are times I still question if it's as toxic as I think, then I remember his own brother said "I've seen him so mad that I could tell he wanted to hit you." He never has, but I've felt this before, and finally, someone saw it.
Planned my exit quietly for 9 months. Not even my best friend knew... until I did it. Did have an excellent attorney who helped me plan. Thank God I didn't have children with that monster. Was able to cut ties completely
I remember my mother doing this. She’d treat me so badly in front of people and get called out for it. She’s so off she’d endure it with a smile. I must’ve known subconsciously that the bigger her smile, the worse I’d get it when we were alone. The family is full of lesser narc enablers, so I had no help. None. She still does that backstabby thing with a smile. I don’t spend much time with her anymore. I realized in 2018, I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I was always completely drained after time with her. I decided then to severely limit her access to me. Its sad. I wanted so much more, but she’s just not capable.
Both of my parents are liars, and they are both abusive in different ways. My Dad is sick, but my Mom can be a real drama queen and lie to make herself look better. And I’m just getting kicked around and messed with by both of them. Still, I am more loving towards my Mom, though I wonder why I love her sometimes. She has always been way more understanding towards me than my Dad, but she has some strange things going on with her.
From a meme: Narcissists be like, “Yes I hurt you, but now you hate me, so I am the true victim.”
Yes, I've experienced this
Im living it after 3 years and much more that I can't prove.😮
@@patriciawalker7077 I'm so sorry for you ❤️🩹
Yeah, and because I sent you a Christmas card, I am reaching out, and you are ignoring me, so YOU have a problem.🙄
My narc ex husbands words when I left after he cheated when my dad died, and also financially and emotionally abused me, were "it's not fair"
Dr. Ramani, we hope you are safe amidst all the fire that's going on in the LA area 😢 Our prayers for everyone’s safety❤
Central Time Zone- Nortb America: btw: technical support team and admin staff at Doctor Ramani Durvasula, Ph.D. ; thank you 😊: again; thank you 😊/ Austin, Texas - AUS
Wow good point. Yes👏🏻
🙏💖
Thank you for posting this. I tried to comment on her FB short, but it kept flipping through.❤
Please can you let us know? Prayers for your protection! You are a element of Gods will in this society! In the name of God our prayer is to ask for your safety!!
They are vindictive hypocrites, without a shred of decency.
Without a shred of GENUINE decency. The can feign decency in public at all times.
It's bewildering so - unfortunately.
Agreed. Mine (brother) tried to take me to court to get control of mum's money. I was POA. And I had treatable cancer at the time. Scumbag.
Perfect explanation
The worst is when their betrayals are exposed, and then they gaslight you AND blame you for their betrayal.
I’m concerned what bs betrayals
Haha my ex husband was that kind. After being exposed, his first words were:"It is your fault.." 😂
@@Smartbeautifulawesome ??? I’m not sure I understand your enquiry. If it was meant as an enquiry.
@@dk5755 I’m just saying people are fighting too much bs betrayals and plans maybe that we don’t really know. Like weird bullying or whatever
@@sylwiakleczkowska8220 wow I’m sorry
I still remember when I was 16 and someone at church whispered to me “why is your dad so mean to you?”. That was the first time in my life that I felt seen. I said I didn’t know and that was the end of that conversation. But I still have so much love for that lady because she saw what no one else did.
That validation is kind of shocking. And I found I defended him for years. The day I really felt validated was when I had to get a protective order and after judge was shocked and believed it all I went in the hallway and cried for an hour. My DV advocate was confused. I said “Nobody in authority has ever believed what’s been happening.” Of course it was not the end of the abuse however it was the beginning of the healing process.
@@lynylcullen8370EXACTLY. When I finally confided with people about something that my dad did and they reacted “wtf that’s sexual harassment” and it made me realize that what happened with my dad wasn’t normal. I’m still mourning who I thought my father was
@ - Indeed. We make so many excuses for them in our minds without even knowing it for decades. The truth eludes us until the moment it’s all shattered. Even then that “voice” plagues me. Such heartbreak is nearly impossible to explain to those who bought into the facade. The amount of energy it took to push the truth away left me exhausted. It’s been 4 years of reconciling the truth with the “memories”. Last year the smear campaign and retaliation took me to the edge. I’m thankful for the education from Dr Ramani. And the support of people like you. It validates that I’m not alone and we can heal together
Narcissism labeled as a "personality style" is too kind. These people are just pure evil! 😮💨
Yeh I agree and even worse when u find out yr own mother been backstabbing u to other siblings that u don’t talk to anymore due to a fathers passing and the separation is all stemming from jealousy and envy! Come from them of course! I am done either way this family because I have been unsupported and used as the scapegoat to blame for everything! God sees I’m a truth teller and has been trying to show me all my enemies including the toxic ppl in my bloodline! The universe and god are my witnesses! I have done nothing wrong to these narcs it’s the other way around! I just mind my own business and try my best to get by in this thing called life?!!! 😇 I’m not perfect but I am not wicked, cold & fake like these ppl they are pure evil & cowards too!!!!
Exactly. Everyone is so kind calling it this i have many other names i can call them. More truthful names such as abusive personality behavior. APB this way we can get straight to the point. Evil personality type. Pure Evil.
Absolutely agree! Pure evil, demonic entities!
MONSTERS!
Sick evil pieces of we all know what.
@@neptunelove8534
This is harmful though and only stigmatizes personality disorders/mental health issues. Narcissistic personality disorder (which only effects about 0.8% of the worlds population) is a genuine personality disorder that people struggle with which is most of the time caused by childhood trauma (sometimes it's genetic). People with NPD can be good ppl despite their personality disorder, and it is something they need therapy for.
However, people tend to confuse NPD (Narcissistic personality disorder) with highly manipulative and abusive people. And someone may have narcissistic traits and yet not be diagnosed with NPD. And usually ppl misdiagnose abusive ppl as narcissists.
They feel you bring out the worst in them..they're not self aware.
They blame everyone else for their mood, behaviour, and actions. Never accountable!
But what they do is the opposite, they bring out the worst in others.
Ex said she started feeling sick after meeting me. I was like "well, if that's the case, let me cure you". That means no contact.
I brought out the worst and the best
So true!🎉
There is no way with these people. You are only good for them when getting their way or what they want.
@@sandrawamerdam2219 Exactly.
This is most people
100pc
All this began on Christmas Eve last year. I called out the narcissist without labeling them as such and was so triggered it took me a week to recover. Later, I dealt with a narcissistic enabler who excused the behavior by saying, 'Oh, they're just worried about someone.' I replied, 'That doesn’t give them the right to take it out on you.' I was called childish and then blocked. At this point they're gonna have to deal with that narcissist person. I am so glad I dodged the bullet.
I spent a week with my "person with strong narcissistic tendencies." After this person left I had the worst sciatica attack of my life. I had no energy for a month, being essentially lifeless. I feel for all of the people who are stuck in narcissistic relationships and I thank the good doctor for explaining that not everyone has the ability to just walk away from the abuser. I asked a great (in all senses of the word) friend of mine when it became inescapable that his/her mother really wasn't on her/his side. The response was it took until age 50 to stop trying to satisfy the mother. And my friend is incredibly bright and insightful. Have empathy for other victims and especially, BE NICE TO YOURSELF.
Good riddance! I'm so sorry that you got triggered though. I hope you are able to take time to heal in their absence 💛
@@FutureFendiFsnista " saw this whole situation coming but didn’t realize how intense it would be. Thankfully, with time apart, I recovered quickly. These people were narcissistic, and I sensed their energy from the start. I always limited my time with them, spending only half an hour daily because I knew they would drain my energy. That’s how sensitive I am to it.
Standards serve as BS filters, who knew 😅
@@TheKrispyfort 🤣🤣🤣🤣. I had never thought of it that way. Standing up for yourself is a good indication of ABS filter as well.. thank you so much. You gave me a good laugh.
In my younger, funnier days, I once got tired of my evil stepmother degrading me by rubbing in my face in front of my father and others that my mother was insane, and without thinking it through I quipped: “well, dad knows how to pick ‘em lol”..
The coldness, cruelty, sabotaging, etc. from her that ensued for nearly a decade (before I finally went NC with my entire family) nearly destroyed my and my little daughter’s lives.
That's great! Pure honesty. It's amazing how they can hold grudges and be punitive for decades.
I think I like you! 😆 Sounds like something I might have let slip in my younger, less wise days. Glad you're out now.
@@sheila1366uuuuhh 😭 fr fr
Well done
As a stepmother, I am sorry she treated you that way, it breaks my heart because I adore my stepdaughter and I know if I ever spoke ill of her mother (not in the picture we have sole custody) it would destroy who she is because she knows she is part of her bio mother. Nobody should ever talk to a child in that manner. Sending you hugs from afar. So glad you're away from her.
That calmness he showed after having his meltdowns was the biggest surprise for me.
Like an addict who had gotten his fix?
Or how the meltdown destroys you or your children, then he turns around and is completely happy and finally in a good mood while you're reeling. I used to think that maybe he was bipolar because the change-up was crazy. Now I realize the meltdown was intentional and felt good to him to wreck those around him.
@@wlckszlzkkn My narc has a diagnosis of bipolar disorder, but they also have a whole complex of narcissistic traits. The diagnosis came really late in life, after 60. They are also an alcoholic. That has made life incredibly confusing for me for the last 20 years and for them their entire life. 😳
My mother’s favorite form of stress relief.
Agreed. The scariest thing EVER! Pure rage with me and then sweetness and light to whoever else 😮
This quote from you is universal and should be written in a book of the most meaningful quotes ever spoken: "In the absence of truth, and trust, and honesty, there's absolutely no possibility for a relationship." This is exactly why forgiveness without true and faithful repentance is nothing but a license to the offender to continue. Forgiveness, in itself, is so often mistaken for the thing that will restore the relationship. So many - especially Christians - errant in this belief are shamed by others as if they were the perpetrator if they do not go along with this narrative. True REPENTANCE is the other partner that is required in the restored relationship dance.
Couldn't agree more
Excellent. Very important to say.
THANK YOU!
The last narcassist I dealt with I told him he was a narcassist and his reply was....ok so i feel we should never speak ever again. This was a blessing in disguise . I never heard from him ever again.
Same here--thank god
This happened, only once. Afterwards, he was always careful not to let the beast show publicly. He and his brother were talking on the porch, as I was sweeping the stairs. I fell all the way down. The narc blurted out,” What’s the matter with you, can’t you even walk now ?”. His brother was appalled he said,” Sam what if she is hurt.” The brother came down to check on me and help me up. I told him, “This is what I have to live with every day.”
What is bloody painful is they call the truth teller the liar and mark them as the problem. As the truth teller is falling apart trying to just say the truth. It can make a truth teller feel like they are suffering their death.
Yes
It’s deeply painful
So true!!!
I recently cut off my adoptive parents after 40 years of trying to deal with the physical and emotional abuse. I was in and out of state homes and fostercare before that. I don't know where to begin. Thank you for the videos. I am cautiously moving forward.
I had to walk away from narcissistic parents 33 years ago because of physical and emotional abuse in my childhood and ongoing emotional abuse when I became an adult.
I cut off my mother almost 5 years ago, when I was 56 years old. It was so hard, but necessary after a lifetime of constant abuse. I couldn't take the gaslighting, manipulation, and lies anymore! I was close to having a breakdown.
@JackieFerrell-f6o Thank you for commenting. I'm so glad I'm not alone. My parents shape-shifted and fooled many people. I kept the secret of abuse for years. Here's to healing!!
@@christinelamb1167Thank you for commenting. I'm so glad that I'm not the only one who did this as an older adult.
@@mamared7374 I am so glad that I could help. When I read that someone else has gone through a similar situation and/or decision to walk away, this helps me to understand that I am not the only one who has had to go through this which helps me m feel better that I made the right choice. I'm slowly improving my self esteem and my self respect which was shattered before I knew what I had to do. In my healing process I am reconnecting with myself, too. I have been surprised to find out who I am along with ideas I wasn't aware of because I hid who was out of self preservation.
Dr. Ramani, after enduring the whole narcissistic relationship from beginning to end, the trauma bond included, the worst and hardest part has not been from the narcissist. It was the case in the beginning. But the long term healing I face every day is from all my trusted friends who completely believed the narcissist and have totally turned their backs on me to this today. I’m pretty much over
the narcissist. But the betrayal trauma has been by far the most devastating part of the entire experience. 💔
Betrayal trauma the worse from family and professional areas
@@patricebest545 Especially from leaders in your own Church, or “spiritual space”.
@@trinamyers7726facts
@@trinamyers7726I’m dealing with the exact same thing with my church. I’m so devastated.
when you hurt the narcissist, he will hold it against you for years to come, bring it up again and again at every possible opportunity, and never ever forgive you, even if you did nothing on purpose and have apologized a hundred times.
mine holds my first pregnancy against me. yes, he is the father. we were already married. and yes, it happened 24 years ago.
Yeah like he was involved!! Insane mine did the same thing he was responsible because he wouldn’t use birth control it was my job !
A memory like an elephant. Forget your birthday or important event, no problem. But not putting the toothbrush back in the 'right' way back in 1978, you will hear about it.
Almost phenomenal memory tbh.
My mother still attacked my father over stuff of over 50 years ago. He went no-contact (last few years). They've been divorced since the 70s.
Don't feel badly, my sins have been documented in detail since primary school.
I pray every day, that the people around them realize their true face 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻 thanks for your videos🫶🏼
OMG! Yes, I went on vacation with a narc who absolutely destroyed my vacation by humiliating me repeatedly in front of strangers for no reason ( he had me walking on eggshells as I was trying to avoid his tirades ). He then had the nerve to say that he was angry with me for making him lose his temper in front of other people! We came back to the US and I was shattered while he was refreshed and feeling brand new! Of course, there was no accountability. I was just too sensitive.
Of course you were the villian in his eyes, not in actuality of course. I think they mistreat people in front of others just to show off, even make it appear like you aren't in a close relationship with them, to get other sources of supply and to feel superior, like you're just a personal assistant.😢
@ Exactly! Also, I used to notice that he would humiliate me in front of third parties if he felt that I was getting more attention than he was.
Yes...Dr. Ramani, please be safe out there in Southern California. I miss living there, but my heart aches for you and all others who are enduring these tragedies. 😢 Sending ❤️❤❤love to you.
A narc won't fib to spare your feelings, but they'll do this thing where they'll smirk and do an exaggerated lie with the intention of showing it might be something you are out-of-touch enough to buy. It's meant to ridicule your vulnerable position. Never cook for, host, or serve a narc if you can possibly avoid it.
Im curious why you say not to cook for or host a narc. I am dealing with my n friend neighbor and his wife who is an enabler. They eat like toddlers and are highly critical of anything they don’t cook for themselves. Your comment piqued my interest!!
From Jan 2024 til today, this has been the worst and best year of my life. So much pain, toxicity, terrible things. And then so much love, help, light, supernatural gifts, answers to lifelong questions plus so much more.
If I had to do it all over again I would -hands-down.
Fact that I’m malleable and a teachable spirit is one of my saving graces.
I’m so glad to be here !!!
What a ride!
❤
I was not weak when I was still married. I played by the rules for my than little kids sake. Unfortunately, the adult kids have been brainwashed, angry etc etc over the years. I finally got that final blow. Kids no longer communicate with me anymore. Disappointed but not dead. Also, a lot more educated on narcissism & have grown almost invincible. I would not hesitate to destroy the ex if the need arise . I have zero tolerance for narcissistic individuals.
Trust, loyalty and respect. If they fvck up one, they lose all three.
And thats a sure thing !!😂💯👏👏
From Austin, Texas - AUS: fwiw: thank you 😊 Doctor Ramani Durvasula, Ph.D. again: thank you 🙏
Well said!
@@youngblood8540 Yes.
Yep
Parents who take all credit for their kid's achievements and never ever an element of responsibility for their failures and/or set backs
Caught my narcissistic spouse in a big lie. For months she denied and kept denying it switching up her story. Finally I showed her all of the documents and proof. She had no ground to lie on anymore, so she says, "ok, yes I lied and I shouldn't have lied, but can we talk about the reason that I had to lie?" 😐
Typicle. What was her reason out of curiosity?
@@LilBafta Nothing coherent. Something about "you make me feel like I don't deserve nice things." Placed the blame right back on me.
I've experienced this several times. Busted, mask shattered the whole game crumbles. Lies exposed. Etc,etc,etc. Let's be clear this is way beyond the manipulation game that keeps us bonded for their supply. And this narcissist absolutely disappears forever. You don't need to do anything. You are now a major threat just by simply seeing who they are. But they can't change. So they step over to other sources of supply. And it's so far away from any level of being a human as you experience life. That you really have trouble understanding what happened. It's confusing. And this is where pros like Dr.Ramani help us.
My dad was notorious for this behavior. As a result, I would always try to manage even the adults around me so that they wouldn't say anything even if he was wrong.
Anything I've ever done that has been wrong or displeased my parents is the worst thing in the world. Anything they have done, I'm ungrateful, difficult, too sensitive or my favourite "you expect too much from people"! Did wonders for my psyche lol.
I remember my narc ex boyfriend, when I would try to talk to him about something he said/did that hurt me, he would say with a look of contempt "Wow, you really expect a lot out of me, don't you"? As if I was the one with the problem!
@@christinelamb1167I really hate those looks of contempt. My mother and father have never been joyful at a success but they're all over it with mistakes. Makes everything miserable. Life is damn hard enough as it is.
High hopes leads to big disappointments.....
And entitlement will lead to even bigger disappointments...
Never think that a narcissist will change for you.....
The “magic” of the good Doctor, is her describing our experience, either before or after the event. Troy Aikman was once asked what is the most exciting moment of playing football. He said it was the ten seconds of having called a play, get up to the line, look at the defensive setup, and know the outcome of the next five five seconds…before it happens. Narcissists are addicted to that “premonition”, and setup everything and everybody all around them to get that fix, that hit, at every chance they get.
I witnessed mommy dearest calling her grandchild/ my lil 5 year old nephew an arsshole, in front of a large group at one of her many weddings. I told her: "He's not an arsshole- he's a five year old little boy!" After seeing his head bow in shame, I took his little hand and played with him for the rest of the entire day outside. I NEVER deserved her mindfukcery scapegoating, and I would NEVER stand by and watch her abuse another child again- despite the hell fury and flames that followed me after I called her out. RIP Destroyer of Lives: Lynn Hajdu/West/Basch/etc/etc/etc.... 🙄- a certainly earned title.
Omg the mommy dearest shit needs to stop you guys are ridiculous
I hear all this and my eyes are opened to what my mother did to me from the time I was born and I just want to explode in Anger at what she did to me, she ruined my life. Did this happen to anybody else?
My betrayal was naming names to someone who asked who may or may not have been in a position of authority. Everything thing Dr Ramani said is true. I wished I had done it sooner because it finally led to the narcissist stating he wanted to divorce. The best thing ever! Although it took me many months of therapy and Dr Ramani to understand that. Thank you Dr Ramani you are truly a godsend
It's true for covert narcissists, too, as well as the overt, exhibitionist variety.
When you publically out a narcissist's betrayal ( cheating) and move far away and go no contact, that's one situation in which she cannot hurt you, emotionally abuse or take revenge.
My narcissistic sister told me that I have to apologize on Facebook for something that I wrote about her 7 years ago that hurt her feelings. I wasn't aware that this even occurred. I apologized to her but now she says that I need to write her an apology on that forum and she has to approve it first. Talk about controlling and crazy making!
I wish I had pointed out a "mask slip" I noticed in the early days, to my son, I could have saved him 10 traumatic years and ultimately a devastating divorce and heartache for him and my grandchildren😢
No you couldn't have. It's not your fault
I noticed my own mask slip and still working on it. We are responsible to notice when our mask slips. Not just pertaining to narcissistic folks. My bully mother told me that I think that I'm always right, and I said, that's cause I am. It was to not bow down in front of both my abusive parents and not have my financial situation with them dismissed. But it took me a long time to see something about myself in that moment that was deeply wrong and had there been a more healthier relationship with my parents, i would have the support to navigate that. But it's not lost now. Even when the world can put us in arbitraties of whether we were abused or not. This area of noticing your mask slip is just like dr. Ramani says that betrayal is a separate event.
So whether i was abused in situations or not. I always notice my inner beliefs come up and I want to work on them. You can't argue with unsafe people whether you are correct or not. But you can work with safe people to figure out whether our narrative makes sense and why we are wrong and how we maybe right in doing what was best needed to do.
@kzy1457 Thank you for saying that ,I appreciate it🙏🏻😀
There's nothing you could have done. He wouldn't have listened. They have to figure it out. Hugs
@WendyDrayke thank you Wendy, you're obviously an empathic woman - possibly have experience with a narcissist yourself 🥲
Not my narc, he is so fake in front of everyone else.....he is horrid when it is just him and I.
Thinking of you during the terrible fire in LA. Hope that you are safe. Hope that all the victims will soon be able to rebuild and heal.
Timely video. I just said ENOUGH did a door slam on a long time “friend of our family” after maintaining very limited grey rock contact. I changed my cell number and I know the “apology” or rage letter will be coming as written word is her favorite communication. I intend to refuse it. When I’m done I’m done . Thank you for all your helpful content.❤
Hi Dr Ramani my heart goes out to you, you saved myself . Thank you very much
Oh my stars!!! Every word you said is spot on. Every single word 💜
Hey... this is my fourth year of listening to Dr. Ramani, by 'chance' when recovering from an injury. I've learned enough to 'hear', i.e. understand how these behaviors. I see that my parent's behavior, even though praised by my best friend, chiseled my subdued temperament, etc. Today, I'm snowed-in, thank God for the time to review this material. I see it differently now with a greater understanding through maturity of my understanding of (my) experiential reality.
"Believe their own hype", so true. ✔️Therapy is now a competition. The therapist therefore could be trying to keep it calm? Thank you.
Our experience with an in-law has been heartbreaking for so many reasons. Thanks for your info. I'm afraid we can only do the best we can to protect ourselves.
No one talks about all this enough my peers are a joke I think. Not the kind ones but genuinely these people have the weirdest hatred I’ve ever seen
Why doesn't the pushback work on the narcissist? They don't feel accountable to truth to anyone?
They recognize no truth but their own.
They are right, period!
I don't think so.
My ex said I had no right to do so. Laughable!
My ex used to repeat a phrase she saw on a show to me quite often. “You don’t get to…”
Ugh
So true. Matches my experiences with narcissists accurately!
I remember when I was 14 or so(over 40 years ago) I had a friend who would tell lies often, and one time he lied to me about something completely inconsequential; it made no sense at all. I decided a few months later to try it on him. I had gotten a new bowling ball and I told him it was a different weight, or different color(can't remember exactly) for no reason at all. Two kind of strange things happened. First, it didn't feel right at all - I just felt icky, fake, and rather stupid. Second, somehow this person knew I was lying, and called me out on it. So that was the end of that experiment for me. I still to this day don't understand it but occasionally I will come across somebody who does this(tells an inconsequential lie). This explanation you give, why narcissists do this sometimes, helps my understanding.
Dr. Ramani, I hope you are safe.
Thanks for these videos. They help me everyday.
You truly are amazing!!!! I always hated when people defended me, I didn't really know why. Now that you are talking about this (5:50), it was a light bulb for me. This is why I love and crave to be invisible!
dr Ramaani is literally the goat 🐐 #preach 💯 straight Facts!
19 years after the divorce, my main narc (my parents are dead; they blamed their marital problems on my sibling and I) is my ex who would keep bullying me for money, when my lawyer proved he owes ME. I've blocked him entirely. Sadly, my failures and the narc's leaned our younger child into narcissism as well. My younger now will have nothing more to do with me as I'm no longer subsidizing his self-destructive lifestyle while being his punching bag. Sadly, for self preservation, I'm done with both adults.
Your first example was a line for line depiction of my last argument with my Mother 2 yrs ago. It was a pattern over years to keep me from “embarrassing” her. This last time I stood up and refused to let her bully. She wiped her hands clean and my family followed suit so as not to poke the bear. Hardest, most fulfilling 2 yrs of my life. Thank you for making these!
I wouldn’t even deal with people anymore. We get to a point we really don’t give a shit about any of it obviously it gets worse. They are insane
That was interesting. I remember my BIL throwing a particularly nasty tantrum in front of family visitors. It slowly dawned on him that he was being laughed at. By everyone except his targeted victim. Things got so much worse then, as his humiliation was added to his list of grievances. It was really quite frightening.
Thank you. This podcast is helpful because my family member is presently trying to put me through the ringer as you have described. NC seems to be my way forward to a semblance of peace of mind.
This one really hits home. Narcissistic mother and ex-wife. Can't divorce my mother, so these videos are very helpful.
As a caregiver, I have to protect my mother...I have been accused of isolating her from a narcissist relative and his enabling apologist spouse. The projection...the gaslighting....but insinuating that I was the problem, and that my protection constitutes elder abuse was the last straw - some relationships cannot be repaired, some dysfunctions can't be fixed, some damages never heal.
A good day is when we don't even mention their names. 😥
@christopherkennedy873, If your mother feels the same way you do, and she's able to, they need to hear her say it to them, that you two are in agreement. That ought to get them to bugger off! I also had a similar situation, and you're correct in that some relationships cannot be repaired. Especially ones where you're being falsely accused of elder abuse. In my case, three in laws were fearful that I was trying to steal my mother's money. But did any of my three siblings ever try to help with her care? Hell, NO! They made themselves scarce!!
@notagain779 exactly - mom is kind of old school ( literally - 92! 🤣) - she does not like confrontation - and is frail and timid - the ignoring boundaries, lies, refusal to REALLY apologize, defection, projection ..yadda yadda you know the drill... EXHAUSTING!
I've let them know WITH her acknowledgement and agreement, that the pain SHE feels is her OWN ( and I'm merely provided a voice of protest that she is otherwise unable to speak - the frustration and ANGER are MINE. Homie don't play that game anymore. I'm a heart patient, and I can't take the stress. It saddens mom ( the whole family did not fair well during COVID - with a few refusing to mask in her presence, or lying about doing so the few times I allowed them to escort her to funerals)
So they are the "last man standing" from the core family group.
But I can't do it - It is by my influence that they are still beneficiaries in her will ( not a large estate) because SHE wanted them cut out or diminished, but I didn't want the blame or venom...which I'm already getting anyway...
"No good deed goes unpunished" 🫤
Unfortunately, the closure, freedom, and peace I seek will most likely only materialize after she passes - and I get to remove these toxic vipers from my life entirely. Heartbreaking. 😢
@@christopherkennedy873 , Yes, closure and peace after your mom passes. Unfortunately, that's what it takes, and I am there. It's a great relief, even though I miss her, and the outcome with "family" is not what I would have wished for.
I wish you relief from your stress.
I have an idea for your mom. If the core family group comes to see her, she could drop a few sentences to them indicating how much she appreciates you, that you're good to her, etc...let that sink in to their brains. My mother did this for me whenever she got the chance to. They didn't exactly like knowing that I was loved by and appreciated by her, but it did seem to shut them up a bit. They probably thought she was going to favor me in her will. My sister even a few times, tried to turn her against me!
My mom left equal amounts to each of us in her will, but I was the only one she gave money generously to while she was still alive. I was losing income while care giving, and her lawyer suggested it to lower her taxes. It was also tax free money for me that I didn't have to declare. My toxic vipers would contest that for sure, but none of them will ever know, ha-ha!! As her lawyer said, "There is no amount of money so small that people won't fight over it." One of his clients had even sued a sibling for ownership of a stuffed toy from childhood!!
I understand your mother not wanting confrontation. My mom was similar and also timid - wanted everyone to just get along. Sometimes it's the in-laws who cause the most upset, as they start salivating over what their spouse might inherit. My heart goes out to you and your dear mom! 🙏🏼
@@christopherkennedy873 , I'll rewrite here what I posted a day ago, but I think it didn't go through.
I understand the stress you're under, since I experienced almost the same exact thing. Unfortunately, sometimes it does take the death of the person who is dear to you, before you can get some relief from siblings and in laws.
Something my mother did for me in the last years of her life while living to be 99 in assisted living, was to often say to my siblings, how much she appreciated all I had done for her, and that I had been good to her. (over 15 years, and with periods of lost income because of it.) They didn't like knowing that we were close. However, it did get them off of my back somewhat. I would have thought that they would be happy that she felt safe and comforted in her last years, but their motives are only selfish, and about money, no doubt worried that she might favor me in her will. She didn't, and I didn't expect her to. We all got equal shares.
My mother also was timid and avoided any confrontation. She just wanted everyone to get along and be happy. These days that certainly IS old school! If your mom is okay with dropping a few appreciative sentences about you to your core family group, maybe some feathers could be smoothed. In any case, it's awful that you would be accused of elder abuse!! I wish you and your dear mom all the best.
Listening to you talk you make it sound like it's only men but rest assured there are men who are victims of female narcissists as well
She knows and we know.
I think most of us know that it's not gender specific .
I think in her videos, she always talks about
"the narcissist." she never refers to them being either sex
Yes there are. I had the misfortune of having to spend two weeks with one at an overseas wedding. She decimated the bride’s mother at her only child’s wedding celebrations. It was horrendous.
@@rosella1919 someone wise once said that a narcissist is always “the baby at a christening, the bride/groom at a wedding and the body at a funeral. In other words the attention HAS to be on them regardless of the occasion 🤨
The therapist asked if I wanted to live together like sister and brother.. I said no that I didn'tcare to do that.
Then he shocks with more information taking anything that could have been left.
Yet, he still says he plans to retire at 62, he wants me to work, he will have a small farm and side work.
When alone, he has said enough to paint the picture of waiting until I am out of the picture until he lives his real life.
Why can't we just go our separate ways then? Is he just waiting for my parents to pass for a big pay off?
Well yes if money is involved!
A bigger question is why are you still in this relationship now that you know he has shown himself to be fine with being an unloving parasite rather than a loving partner? I do understand fear, but quietly preparing to split is empowering. And yes most likely he sees an inheritance payday coming.
@lynnebucher6537 Without getting into too much like a parent in hospice, and not having had worked much of my married life.. We are in therapy, we don't have any left at home, his behavior has gotten much more coercive since, it is clear I was future faked, and now I am going through medical procedures and waiting on results.
Obviously I was looking forward to this time in my life.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
What about narcissists that are so entitled and bad liars? They lie and when called on it like again. When I provide evidence I still get accused of lying. I'm talking about a property manager,/owner who fabricate violation notices and retaliate for over 3 years for reporting discrimination
Hope you are safe Dr. Ramani with these fires ❤
I actually know a family like this.. and their mom is the ring leader
There is always fixing it if the person who did the wrong thing goes away and takes a look at the behaviour that caused the issue and makes a concrete effort to change the behaviour, if the person wronged is open to having the relationships healed of course. If they see nothing wrong with their behaviour.. I don’t see how there is any going back.
@@kristyrobinson1979 this is what I’m having trouble within myself. I KNEW he was a narcissist bc he watched me cry after my cat died and decided to go into a narcissist rage bc I couldn’t come see him. He acted so bizarre, up until that point he seemed perfect. He turned into a monster. Then after that I tried to rationalize to myself that his abandonment wound had been triggered, even though the things he said to me were so belittling and hateful. He said some things that sounded like an apology but when I went back he actually never did apologize, he just waited long enough and messaged me like I hope you’re doing okay and I started talking to him again. What I can’t understand about myself is that I KNEW he did not feel one ounce of guilt about it but rather blamed me. I kept asking him if he understood what empathy is. It’s like where common understanding should be he just felt entitlement to my time on his time. I blocked him for a month and started talking to him again when I got lonely. This time I started to fall for him and he came out of left field with some accusations and stuff that were just as bizarre as the first time. He acted like the first tantrum was just in the past and any time I tried to talk about it at all, he would fly hot. I don’t get why I go out of my way to find men who refuse to understand me, take everything out of context, resent and blame me, plus really aren’t that interested in who I am as a person. I am starting to think it actually is all men. They would say I’m the common denominator but I was very kind to this man, patient and understanding. He somehow took my concerns and turned them into insults and accusations. It’s just all crazy making. I have a lot of inner work to do bc I’m 39 and have only had relationships with people who don’t see me at all.
@@kristyrobinson1979 I said all that to say like what you said about going away and looks at their behavior but why I would go back for more knowing that he lacked empathy and had no self-awareness and blamed me for his craziness… I’m like do I really hate myself to do that to myself? It’s crazy making behavior
@@Scoop7411-s5m there is no point when it’s just going to make YOU feel crazy in the end. Xx
The target on your back becomes bigger
it seems you're constantly putting out videos that help me at the time they are published (and also afterwards)...so thank you.
Hello Dr. Ramani. Very true of narcissists behavior that tell lies.
My thoughts and prayers are with you during the devastating wildfires in L.A., hoping that the environmental conditions clears immediately.
Dr. Ramani! I just learned about the wildfire near your area and wanted to express my concern. I sincerely hope you and your team are safe. Please keep us updated on your situation-we’re deeply worried about you.
Dr Ramani and team, we are all so sorry for the pain and suffering this fire is causing you! Love, prayers and hugs❤️
Dear Dr. Ramani,
I hope this message finds you well. I wanted to take a moment to express my gratitude for your book, “Should I Go…,” which I purchased some time ago and have been following you. Your insights have greatly illuminated my journey in relationships. The wisdom you share has not only been educational for me personally but has also enriched my ministry, enabling me to provide courage, comfort, and nonjudgmental support to those who are struggling.
Thank you for the impactful work you do.
Faithfully,
Dr. Clara I. Stephens, Ph.D., BCC, M.Div., M.A.
I disagree that it is devastating when a third party acknowledges the narcissist's bad treatment of you. On the rare occasion that this has happened to me, I felt validated, even if it was just for the instant until the toxic person jumped in and blamed me for their behaviour. 6:11
This is relatable.
For 3 years, every Thursday, the narc and I would be around the same group of people.
The narcs action of public abuse was to [purposely] forget my glass of water when ordering his drink at the bar.
He'd leave me at the table, walk up to the bar and order his beer, and come back to the table without my water.
He denies his alcoholism and can't stop drinking once he starts, so for the entire night, it's..."One more beer, one more beer, one more beer...
Most of the night, I'm left alone at the table, while he socializes the room.
Well, one night, a fellow PO observed the narc and I having a disagreement.
The man walked overto where I was sitting, knelt down on one knee, and asked, "is everything okay?"
OH MY GOD, the narc husband seen the mans concern and had an instant narcissistic flare-up.
He grabbed his coat and immediately said to me, we're going now! And mumbled how the fellow blue brother was lucky he didn't get punched.
So yes, like you commented, being seen, and acknowledged was important [for me] leaving the narc, and no contact whatsoever.
It’s devastating to the narc. He thinks he’s a great guy, so I better not tell the truth to anybody lol
@itchysheets1222
Eventually his contemptuous abuse caught up with him, and I filed a police report.
Oh I'm sure he's beyond devastated with himself, because now the whole department knows about his most personal information.
💪💜
@ put them out on front street and suddenly they’re so cooperative with men who have guns lol
There needs to be a warning put out to the public on how to Identify & be safe from these ant humans.😢
🙏🏽please do a segment on coercion gaslighting gangstalking narcissists that like to group up project and harrass people they target into accepting indirect negative behaviors that like to use their positions to abuse their power. all for some type of reaction.
Yep, told him not to text or handle his cell phone while driving….at least when I am in the car. Holy cow! Cannot ask for anything. There was always a price to pay.
That Promethian story was a cheery one.....I listened all the way thru to find some positive outlook, not today. I went no/low contact and wonder whether the pain will end. They are now the betrayed ones...,......and I am blamed
Let them blame you, while you begin to heal ❤️
Quit my job yesterday becaise of a narcissistic boss who constantly reminded me how intelligent, smart , sharp amd clever she is . She told me she is more intelligent than chat gpt. I couldn't be myself around her , I was always walking on eggshells not knowing what mood she will be in. I wanted to do the right thing and address her behaviour but i realised she isn't very self aware and would just get angry and not agree as she thought she was so perfect. She called everyone in the company and idiot and cannot do their job , everyone is lazy and she's the only reason the company has any success . She was draining my energy. Handed my notice in and have never felt more relieved .
Omg, so spot on about how they look and seem all regulated and calm while you look like the crazy one. And these relationships show up also in the form of friendships, roommates, etc and It's so hard to recognize because it's so subtle and nuanced and doesn't always manifest in such an obvious or extreme way. But it's so truly devastating to the whole being.
*Lying for sport.* YES THEY DO. Lying about nothing important (when not even trying to gas light).
I took it to mean, apart from the power/control thing (like what's to 'control' about nothing important?) as a kind of 'exercise' for them. You know, like working out in the gym to build muscle, they are exercising their lying to keep it in tip top form!
That makes sense. They hurt you, you stay in the hurt and when it's done over and over equals cptsd. They turn it into anger hate and vindictiveness, protect themselves and hurt you all the more. So nothing gets solved, you're crippled with pain and doubt and they stand there 'cleanly', perceived regulation and vitriol, until they decide you've auffered enough. Until the next time.
I heard the narcissist responding to the other person :oh, it was only a joke.
Oh, yes, Daddy Dearest! 😞
It's just like at church where we were constantly told we all had to accept our dads being rage monsters because of the stress of supporting us all but none of us kids asked for that and they said letting the moms get jobs would be a sin. People could see your dad scream at you at every family event but each time it was written off as a unique response to the horrible stress he was under working 40 hrs a week at an office job. And since everyone's dad was doing it, we all just accepted it as normal.
We were told those happy neighbors where the kids went to daycare and both parents worked so the dad's were loving and kind were all living in worldy sin because the daycare wasn't going to indoctrinate the kids into religion.
If you focus on this educational stuff, Dr. Ramani, as the inherent nature of Cruelty rather than on the Narcissist in one video, I think it would help a younger me who could not accept that what my dad did to me was abusive.
Dr. Ramani, our narcissistic parents challenged our conception of love at an early age. I think it makes us care more about what behaviors are kind versus cruel.
I Just LOVE your videos on how victims of this kind of abuse can see narcissistic tendencies in themselves as bad, when in actuality, those people have had to suppress most of their wants and needs most of the time, sometimes for literal years on end.
I'm thankful some people only experience this severe emotional abuse at the hands of 1 short term partner, fucked up as that is to be thankful about that. Short term often means easier to leave. ❤🎉
Good luck! ❤️
I’m 46 and can’t think of one narcissist I have ever met..I guess I am fortunate
Lucky you. Once you meet one, you’ll now know what to look out for.
They have all landed on my doorstep and I dealt with them for you. You're welcome.
Him: Everyone is always asking why I even keep bothering to have anything to do with you?
Me: Good question. Why do you? (He thought I was there to beg for forgiveness. I was there to cut ties)
With that individual, I keep myself as unpalatable as possible. I make sure that reconnecting with me is too humiliating.
So far, so good.
During group meeting after years of group bullying
Her: respect is earned, not given.
Me: okay, let me know when you're ready to earn it.
Her: you've got to give respect to get respect.
Me: okay, let me know when you're ready to give it.
IDGAF any more, Amanda 🙃
Leaving an abusive intimate partner is like treating a games if random chance gambling addiction.
Maybe one more go and I'll win the Jackpot...
Nostalgia can trigger a craving.
Detoxing from ongoing trauma inducing and enabling environments is like dealing with substance abuse. My brain craves a hit of drama just to take the edge off. We're dealing with a brain that is undergoing changes to its structures.
The quiet can trigger a craving.
People need to be more mindful of the fact that our brains have to undergo restructuring and learn how to structure for a productive environment 😓
Damned, it's exhausting
Wow thank you. So much clarity. This is exactly what was happening to me.
He threw a full public temper tantrum because he couldnt zip my son's coat and because i had expected him to zip a broken zipper. I zipped it with no comment. Suddenly we had to switch social circles because too many people were "in his business" about something that wasnt even a big deal.
I never felt more validated than when his brother saw a rage and finally got it.There are times I still question if it's as toxic as I think, then I remember his own brother said "I've seen him so mad that I could tell he wanted to hit you." He never has, but I've felt this before, and finally, someone saw it.
Planned my exit quietly for 9 months. Not even my best friend knew... until I did it. Did have an excellent attorney who helped me plan. Thank God I didn't have children with that monster. Was able to cut ties completely
I remember my mother doing this. She’d treat me so badly in front of people and get called out for it. She’s so off she’d endure it with a smile. I must’ve known subconsciously that the bigger her smile, the worse I’d get it when we were alone. The family is full of lesser narc enablers, so I had no help. None.
She still does that backstabby thing with a smile. I don’t spend much time with her anymore. I realized in 2018, I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I was always completely drained after time with her. I decided then to severely limit her access to me.
Its sad. I wanted so much more, but she’s just not capable.
Such a GREAT PERSON
Both of my parents are liars, and they are both abusive in different ways. My Dad is sick, but my Mom can be a real drama queen and lie to make herself look better. And I’m just getting kicked around and messed with by both of them. Still, I am more loving towards my Mom, though I wonder why I love her sometimes. She has always been way more understanding towards me than my Dad, but she has some strange things going on with her.
They often attract other psychopaths who see the behaviour towards you, then they feel it’s ok to treat you that way too.
Thank Thank Thank YOU for your wisdom...
Thank you for the uploads . They help.
Thank you for not swearing
Omg yes yes yes 100%!
My youngest son is exactly like this we no longer talk