You're doing God's work man. There's no fucking way any normal person can sit through so many Seagal movies to review them without wanting to drink battery acid. Bless you.
Just give the bad guy something like agoraphobia and that he goes psycho and randomly kills people when outside. That would make more sense and not leave plotholes that sun sensitivity/illness would probably be a reaction to UV light, which the sun isn't the only thing that puts that off in today's technology.
To be honest, the quality of framing, lighting and color correction is better than most of his other recent films. It seems like someone behind the camera and in post-production had a shred of self-respect left even though he works for Seagal and tried to make this atrocious shit at least halfway watchable. Kudos to this guy.
This is exactly what made this movie a frustrating watch..There are good almost great film making craft in this movie....and it's all wasted on Seagals crappy screenplay and preachy writing..I actually enjoyed it when his crew showed up, it all of a sudden became this mission impossible movie...
Super late reply I know, but you sir need to check out the Reel Deal stunt team's work particularly films: "Plan A: Scheiss Auf Plan A" and their American action thriller "On The Ropes". They were the guys behind the action and the camera for the majority of this atrocious fucking film and they are hella talented stunt performers, actors and directors, the main trio of Can Aydin, Phong Giang and Cha Lee-yoon are basically the Jackie Chan, Sammo Hung and Yuen Biao of today's generation and if you even just watch a single fight from their aforementioned films you'll know I ain't bullshitting, they needed the exposure so they took on this project and many of them have horror stories to tell about Seagal and his on-set behavior (mind you Seagal is known for being very harsh on stunt performers and his "improvisational" style whenever not including sitting includes actually hitting fellow stuntmen and not following the choreography design) so you take what you can get.
As a Chinese this movie was even more painful to watch. Its like Seagal wanted to copy Ip Man but was too lazy to put in any effort. Some of the supporting casts are actually great martial artists and onscreen fighters who worked with Donnie Yen a lot. What a waste of their time.
Seagal is friends with many Chinese martial artists. He's also a legit Wing Chun practitioner, he did a joint martial arts seminar with grandmaster Samuel Kwok.
Or the enlightened hand technique that left the son blown away. Rumor is tho that even as technical and immaculate at it was, the old man and Seagal (are the same age) this scene was sped up.
Yeah I didn't understood that scene at all. They're all laughing and having a good time too like it's something really great with what they're doing after revealing he's this guy's long lost father who was absent from his life for like 30+ years and the first thing they do is play slappy hands. Like no wonder this guy never showed up until now.@@powerofme7144
Bro I literally had to pause the video at one point because I was laughing so hard that tears were running down my face! It took about 5 minutes of recovery time before I could continue 😂 thank you so much for these videos and the absolute joy they bring!
To be entirely honest, if you take a single life there's a chance you make someone angry enough to retaliate. He's just making sure all candidates for that are also dead.
The guy praised Seagal's character in Mandarin and he replied thank you in Cantonese. That was awkward for someone who is supposedly the village hero but cant even say thank you in Mandarin lol
By now Steven Seagal is an absolute legend at making total garbage movies. Sometimes I wonder if he intentionally makes these movies to be as shitty as possible.
Unless the movies are cheap as fuck nobody will sponsor this box office bomb Seagal is. Bad writers, bad producers, bad actors. Who with an successful or with ambitions toward a successful career in the movie industry would work with this disaster of an actor. The greatest mystery is how this garbage keeps making the fat fucker so rich, because he is.
It's definitely a good idea to tell your own son that you're their father when they've already grown up and went through their entire childhood without said father.
Very concerning also that they run up to a 70+ bloated lethargic man in a oversized pants and shirt and immediately fall madly in love with said person and cannot stop explaining about them as if he's the best thing that ever happened to her ever.
I recently found your highly informative and educational synopsis of some of the most classic films in our history and I must say...you make me choke on my tea regularly 🤣🤣🤣
I’ve seen this movie like 10 times because I’m blown away every time. How did he become a doctor in a village? So he was like a navy seal and a doctor? And a king fu master? My other theory is that his pupil guy who owns the karaoke bar is just an extension of Seagal. Seagal can’t be in every scene so his pupil who is wise and good in every way spreads the word of Seagal into the world. The creepiest part was that the young girl in his special ops team is literally like 18 years old in this movie. Seagal tells her to wear something real sexy and then she precedes to engage in a steamy lesbian make out scene. He’s literally 40 plus years older then her
I noticed her in the video (I think, it could've been another one...) I was like "Oh boy, they're getting even younger" Tackling new lows that even Neil Breen won't go to.
@@elsiedoomhammer7646 Damn homie went hard; he brought in Neil Breen lol. If only Breen knew martial arts…I wonder if they’d do a collabo. Edit: probably not, Breen would try to portray himself as a time-traveling, all-knowing, all powerful alien god, and Seagal would want to play an ex spec ops, Kung Fu master and shaman, who can apparently kill a god.
2:17 you can almost see the actor crack into a blooper reel when he uttered the line: “not only are you good at martial arts…you also have a good heart.” i mean, how could you not laugh at that amazing, well thought out line?
FYI- the Chinese guy speaks Mandarin, and then Seagal replies in Cantonese. The two dialects sound completely different, as good as 2 distinct languages (it’s like French and Spanish). You would think they would at least standardize the language.
What a great channel! My father is a fan of Seagal and I was forced to watch through many of his films 😳 this feels like a redemption...now I see that I am not the only one who knows that Seagal is a bad actor and a bad person also
you cant just judge someone as a bad person. that is not in your power to do so. and as for bad actor. he is not the best actor ever and it depends on people's perception. differentl people have differenr perceptions :)
@@stylishboy004 Unfortunately there's countless stories and evidence of him being a shocking person, beating his wife, sexually abusing female cast members and how terribly he treated other people. There's a reason he was driven out of Hollywood and that's saying a lot as there's tonnes of scumbags there.
@@stylishboy004 Why cant he judge someone as a shitty person? Sure in many cases people make ignorant uniformed judgements about people that they wouldnt otherwise make, if they really knew them. But they are still allowed to do it. Its still in a persons power to make a poor judgement if they choose to. Anyway, the case of Seagal there is a tonne of supporting evidence that hes a piece of shit that has nothing to do with his movies. There is too much to know where to start. Search for yourself.
Ideas for his next movie: a) Part time fisherman bent on revenge over his murdered ladyboy fiancee. b) Navy cook with a background on Special Operations taking on a slew of mercenaries aboard a WW2 battleship. c) NYPD detective trapped in a corporate building during a hostage situation fights his way through to save his estranged wife. d) Romcom where a magical entity duplicates Seagal but the other him is a martial artist who murders his ladyboy fiancee so the real Seagal has to avenge the crime without using violence or killing anyone.
I found this channel like 3 days ago and I'm now addicted to it.. These Seagal Movie Reviews makes me laugh over a stressful day at work.. Thank you for this and hope you continue doing this and Sensei Seagal making more of these kind of movies for people not to watch on cinemas but for your to review them..
Indeed. The Chinese lady at 3:40 speaks with a heavy Thai accent. There must be an amazing backstory of how she got that accent, perhaps she was adopted by Thai parents and eventually returned to the birthplace of her biological parents.
Fun fact: The chinese guy who plays Seagull´s buddy and does pretty much all the fight scenes, is Louis Fan. He´s a pretty well known star in Hong Kong action cinema and a legit martial artist, trained in various Kung Fu styles and has appeared in tons of Hong Kong movies, incl. Ip Man 1 & 2. He´s the Northern Shaolin master that challenges Ip Man to a fight, in the first movie & appears also in the second movie. He also starred in that amazing Riki-Oh: The Story of Riki movie, in the 80´s, which I highly recommend and would be perfect for a future review. Seriously, if you haven´t watched already Riki-Oh: The Story of Riki, drop everything and go see it! WTF is a legit Hong Kong martial arts action guy like him, during in this?! He usually appears in movies with Donnie Yen & Yuen Biao.
cuz he is the chinese version of seagull without being boated(yet). sex harassment, unprofessional attitude, highly active in money laundring movies and living in former fame, he got it all. which is both funny and sad to see these two in a movie tbh
The look on that guy’s face when Seagal is telling him to climb a mountain and throw feathers everywhere had me dying. You could tell that that that dude wasn’t acting, it was a legit wtf face.
This review gave me flashbacks to about fifteen years ago when a musician friend found out about Seagal's "blues" connections, and was slightly fixated on the idea of him turning out to also be a good blues musician - only for us to find some of it and no, he wasn't.
I don't throw this term around very often, but Steven Seagal has built his entire personality out of half-assed cultural appropriation. Eastern Europe, Black American culture, and anything Asian. His entire personality. He's like incel weeb patient zero.
Space Ice, you are the absolutely best. Your magical ability to accurately convey what viewers are truly seeing and feeling combined with Steven Seagal movies is a match made in heaven. Thank you Space Ice and thank you Steven Seagal for the gift that never stops giving.
Ah, so you fell for it too! The blade is just a distraction. The real lethal weapons are his hands... And that sexy swagger. The only thing that trumps his body count as an assassin, general, ninja master, is his body count as a lady-killer. Oooh yea.
FR, it's like he is sweetly oblivious of reality and lives in a world where he's a golden god. Narcissist is not a strong enough word for this infernal jackass.
@@MelancoliaI No, he's something else. Most narcissists actually care about what people think of them. Seagal simply doesn't care. It's a bizarre state of mind.
@@robwalsh9843 Very well. So in your opinion there isn't a word to describe his state of mind? Because yeah I agree it's a step beyond narcissism into something else.
I just love the idea of Seagull sitting there writing this shit and using all these words he clearly doesn't understand the meaning of to write the dumbest shit and thinking it's the most deep, philosophical thing ever written.
I am really depressed I have watched all your Seagal videos already :( they are incredible and had me in stiches! Keep up the awesome narration and look forward to more Seagal madness!!
I've watched all of your Seagal videos, and this is the best intro of them all. The level of brutality in your sarcasm is rare to see in this world, thank you Space Ice.
The explanation about the elderly father subplot is that in reality he and Siu-Wong Fan 2 characters are also father and son in real life. Interestingly, they mostly became famous by their roles in _Riki-Oh_ , widely considered to be one of the most bizarre and disgusting movies ever. It’s basically about an indestructible man with superpowers (Siu-Wong Fan) who allows himself to be arrested for killing his girlfriend’s murderers and taken to a private prison, only to realize that the “prison” is just a cover-up for a drug factory run by a giant monster who somehow keeps a human appearance thanks to some pills, and who brutally tortures and executes prisoners for the slightest inconvenience, while Fan’s RL father plays the monster’s second-in-command who has a hook instead of his hand (interestingly, he is the only villain who is not killed personally by the protagonist in the end). However, instead of ordinary action scenes, every fight in the movie devolves into grotesque scenes of obvious dummies and prosthetics being ripped and torn to pieces with fake blood spewing everywhere, and there are lengthy scenes of prisoners being tortured, including one who gets crucified. The final “showdown” comes down to the protagonist just pressing the shapeshifted monster (obviously just an empty rubber costume) above a meat grinder while meat is flying around everywhere in slow-mo. However, what these 2 movies have in common is that the Siu-Wong Fan’s character is pretty much omnipotent in both of them, but chooses to remain passive until the very end. In “Riki-Oh” this can be justified by him wanting to serve his prison time until he realized the “prison” is just an inhumane ruse, but in this dumb movie there’s no explanation why all the characters waited so long to finally face the villains, or why Fan even needed help from such a large team, when he easily eliminated almost all of the villains himself - he was killing mooks effortlessly in the other room even while Seagal had the brief “sword fight” with the main villain.
I love this narrator’s voice. If you could run the commentary on 90% of the movies I’ve watched in the last twenty years, that would have given me a thousand laughs and the equivalent of 2 million crunches.
This channel gets double praise from me, for handling this cinematic equivalent of having Steven Seagal spray a fountain from his backside alll over you. 👍👍 Indeed, his respect for his audience is palpable.
Russkis don't give a fk of the scenario. They just wanna see h0___t g@ls, nu__d1ty, killings and action. Seagal is living god in Russia. He friend with Caesar V. Putin, president of the federation of Russia, and martial artist himself. He has russki citizenship. He trained spetznasz, russki elite unit. Seagal movies are made specifically for Russia and Asia. Nobody is supposed to watch seagal in Western Europe or the US.
I’ve only just come across your channel and I have been binging every single Steven Seagal video and it has become my new favourite thing to do on RUclips. You sir are a f*cking Legend for these! Keep em coming! 😂😂😂😂😂
Love your channel. I've seen every video you make at least once . To make these pieces of crap entertaining really speaks to how hilarious you are . Thanks brother
You really had to actually once enjoyed a Steven Seagull movie to truly appreciate the great laughter this commentary provides. 😂😂😂😂 I can’t stop watching
It seems that with "Attrition" Seagal has reached his maturity phase in regard to film-making with this art-house avantgarde production design and cinematography. Truly a film that has all the merits for a Cannes standing ovation. Plus everything falls into place because his Asian roots in combination with his Native-American roots and the African-American roots have reached their highest point of maturity in this deeply existencialist voyage into wisdom. His words will change lives for the better, mark my words. Everything in his career was him playing 4D chess with our minds so that 30 years after we could all contemplate our own faults and prejudices towards the world and the unknown that frightens us. We all took Seagal for granted and laughed at him because deep down we all feared death, but he did not care, he was above it all, and he stared death right in the face and spin-kicked it into the abyss of oblivion so that we could all live in peace. Forever.
Wait a second, 1:07 did Steven Segal just do Asian Face? lol he’s squinting while Asian music is playing & he’s dressed as what he would call “A China Man” lol good lord😂 he’s all over the place.
There's a requirement for every Seagull movie. •Stupid plot •Nonsense quotes •People praising his deeds •Not get hit by enemy •Strip club •Young woman love interest •Poobies/Noodity 😑😑
- Can't hold a gun properly/no look shooting - Leather jacket to hide his body fat, stays clothed in sex scene - Dubbing everywhere - Stunt doubles that are obvious - Slap fighting aikido
Ingredients for a seagal movie: - Chairs - Glasses - Leather jacket - Always playong either a ex Special Forces/Black Ops/Navy Seal soldier or a CIA/DEA agent - Shit & Stupid Storyline that makes the plot incomprehensible - Incoherent dialogue - Unintelligible mumbling - Strip club - Padding just to hit 90 minutes - Love interest (either a single mother, a under 21 stripper, a survivor of abuse, a nanny or any girl whatsoever) who is half his age - Body doubles - Voice doubles - Lots of guns - Someone telling to Seagal how awesome he is - Stairs to show the body doubles' athlethism - Movie being recorded at cheap places like Romania or Asia, or Mexico - A sidekick that can do more work than the body double (usually a pro wrestler, UFC fighter or C level martial artist) - Shooting without looking - Pointless kills & explosions including killing a bunch of innocent people for no reason - Slap fights - Pointless quotes - A bad guy from Eastern Europe who's overdubbed and still needs subtitles - Hiding behind stuff he can't fit - Leaving allies in danger to fend for theirselves - Somehow recycling older production assets (license plates, passports, etc) - Random ending - Sex scene where he's fully clothed
You forgot executive decision when seagal gets sucked out of a stealth jet in mid air and I assume does 47 flips before landing on the ground 10000 below without a scratch.
Check out my Patreon for ad-free and censorship free videos: patreon.com/Space_Ice
Coming soon (if not covered already) the list 8:20
Your videos never fail to make me laugh.
And, thank you.
You're doing God's work space ice. I'll never not laugh at a solid roast of terrible cinema
Serious question…aren’t you afraid of Segal seeing your videos and then coming after you?
Every movie Seagal makes is a love letter to himself
Dude, this. You are 1,000% correct. That's why there is ALWAYS someone praising him in the script
Dude is like a self insert fanfiction come to life.
@@Mattastrophic1 Steven Seagal is what would happen if Trump was an actor
And Space Ice has to keep buying his movies!
It’s always the same. He is an ex special ops or black ops dude. He is the best of the best rah rah rah.
It’s exhausting.
You're doing God's work man. There's no fucking way any normal person can sit through so many Seagal movies to review them without wanting to drink battery acid. Bless you.
all it takes is beer
Actually, his movies are bad in a way that they're actually good.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
How is this person "OHffended" to justify drowning the entire planet to kill everybody?
LOL 😂
You're probably wondering, "What about night time?" You've already put more thought into this movie than Seagull did 😂😂😂
😂
moon actually reflects the sun's light XD don't tell sagal tho ...
Segal: "If we don't mention it, the audience won't even think about it."
That killed me 😂✊
Just give the bad guy something like agoraphobia and that he goes psycho and randomly kills people when outside. That would make more sense and not leave plotholes that sun sensitivity/illness would probably be a reaction to UV light, which the sun isn't the only thing that puts that off in today's technology.
To be honest, the quality of framing, lighting and color correction is better than most of his other recent films. It seems like someone behind the camera and in post-production had a shred of self-respect left even though he works for Seagal and tried to make this atrocious shit at least halfway watchable. Kudos to this guy.
This is exactly what made this movie a frustrating watch..There are good almost great film making craft in this movie....and it's all wasted on Seagals crappy screenplay and preachy writing..I actually enjoyed it when his crew showed up, it all of a sudden became this mission impossible movie...
@@UNSTABLE111 I couldn't trooper through it. You have my respect.
Super late reply I know, but you sir need to check out the Reel Deal stunt team's work particularly films: "Plan A: Scheiss Auf Plan A" and their American action thriller "On The Ropes". They were the guys behind the action and the camera for the majority of this atrocious fucking film and they are hella talented stunt performers, actors and directors, the main trio of Can Aydin, Phong Giang and Cha Lee-yoon are basically the Jackie Chan, Sammo Hung and Yuen Biao of today's generation and if you even just watch a single fight from their aforementioned films you'll know I ain't bullshitting, they needed the exposure so they took on this project and many of them have horror stories to tell about Seagal and his on-set behavior (mind you Seagal is known for being very harsh on stunt performers and his "improvisational" style whenever not including sitting includes actually hitting fellow stuntmen and not following the choreography design) so you take what you can get.
As a Chinese this movie was even more painful to watch. Its like Seagal wanted to copy Ip Man but was too lazy to put in any effort. Some of the supporting casts are actually great martial artists and onscreen fighters who worked with Donnie Yen a lot. What a waste of their time.
Nah, I'd let Seagal kick me through a wall, throw me out a window and engage in some sissy slap-fighting, if he paid me enough.
Lol!!🤣 Indeed. I bet they wanna memory wipe this film from their minds.
Seagal is friends with many Chinese martial artists. He's also a legit Wing Chun practitioner, he did a joint martial arts seminar with grandmaster Samuel Kwok.
You mean every Chinese village doesn't secretly yearn for a fat white man to solve all their problems?
@@AztecUnshaven I hear he also cured cancer. He is also personal friends with Putin and Jesus of Nazareth. Just ask him!
I am convinced, that Seagal is a sociopath making films.
More of a classic narcissist really, but I don't know all the personal details!
Is russia funding his movies
@@RONPEE-STINGER He probably came up with the Ukrainian invasion plan for them in exchange, seeing how moronic and lazy it was.
You're describing the entire Hollywood film making industry
Well, he's close friends with the world's most extreme sociopath.
(Yes, the infamous beady-eyed Kremlin Gremlin)
The scene with the old guy coming out as his father completely left me in stitches
Or the enlightened hand technique that left the son blown away. Rumor is tho that even as technical and immaculate at it was, the old man and Seagal (are the same age) this scene was sped up.
@@jerryguzman9691 I had to slow it down by 50% to catch every subtle detail of the hand movements lmao
I took a shower crying with lye. I felt so dirty watching a father and son play slooooow slappy hands.
Yeah I didn't understood that scene at all. They're all laughing and having a good time too like it's something really great with what they're doing after revealing he's this guy's long lost father who was absent from his life for like 30+ years and the first thing they do is play slappy hands. Like no wonder this guy never showed up until now.@@powerofme7144
Bro I literally had to pause the video at one point because I was laughing so hard that tears were running down my face! It took about 5 minutes of recovery time before I could continue 😂 thank you so much for these videos and the absolute joy they bring!
Me too 😂, my ribs were hurting good. Added a least 5 days to my lifetime
" And he gave us this " lmfao
i was laughing so hard for fucking 5 mins
“Negative words are like poison. they give their own life”.
Same here 😂😂
lol @Spendor I have read fortune cookie fortunes that are deeper than Steven’s “philosophy” 😂
"Taking a life for life only perpetuates the cycle." So he took out many lives at once...
Makes sense.
Now you're getting it
You stare at seagals movies long enough n it'll stare back at you
@@josephbassey1501 In Russia, his movies watch YOU!
"two governments"
To be entirely honest, if you take a single life there's a chance you make someone angry enough to retaliate. He's just making sure all candidates for that are also dead.
Just like when Batman says "when you kill a killer, the number of killers stay the same" - well just kill hundred killers then they reduce by 99
I don't know whats less believable. Seagal being ex special force or a Yale professor.
I havent laughed so much in years. The narrator's delivery is hilariously perfect.
The guy praised Seagal's character in Mandarin and he replied thank you in Cantonese. That was awkward for someone who is supposedly the village hero but cant even say thank you in Mandarin lol
really Seagal
I was shaking my head when I saw that
By now Steven Seagal is an absolute legend at making total garbage movies. Sometimes I wonder if he intentionally makes these movies to be as shitty as possible.
Unless the movies are cheap as fuck nobody will sponsor this box office bomb Seagal is. Bad writers, bad producers, bad actors. Who with an successful or with ambitions toward a successful career in the movie industry would work with this disaster of an actor.
The greatest mystery is how this garbage keeps making the fat fucker so rich, because he is.
I don't know what to make of it in many ways, except I definitely think it's a money laundering scheme.. and fueling his narcissism.
As long as the checks clear, baby
I genuinely think it is money laundering.
He genuinely thinks he’s a badass
It's definitely a good idea to tell your own son that you're their father when they've already grown up and went through their entire childhood without said father.
I imagine Steven has done the same a few times while drunk or high.
You can't deny that it does save a lot of time, money, and energy...
Half of their adult life also.
Wisdom
@@Auriflamme just a few?
There is always a woman in her mid-20's that needs his help and has been slapped by a bad guy. I'm not a psychologist, but...
Very concerning also that they run up to a 70+ bloated lethargic man in a oversized pants and shirt and immediately fall madly in love with said person and cannot stop explaining about them as if he's the best thing that ever happened to her ever.
It's refreshing to see him break new ground after listing 30 movies he's played the same character in had me 💀💀💀
Seagal’s rationale about the justification for his petty shoplifting of fruits and veggies is just batshit crazy ha ha ha
Have you seen that video of when he was given a carrot in Belarus or whatever? Amazing stuff. He eats it and it's fucking ridiculous.
Yes but, couldn't he just have asked for the fruits and veggies? This is awful. I feel sick.
@@ElPayasoMalo Ah, yes. The time he expertly observed the proud time honored Belarusian tradition of The Eating of the Carrot
@@proselytizingorthodoxpente8304 That was significantly more acceptable than the time he killed puppies with a tank.
"Excuse me, is that a zucchini in your pants?"
-"Thank you very much!"
Him putting on a musical performance for the cast during the credits, to me, was the best part of the movie😂🤣
That sack of feathers scene is like the ultimate example of pettiness. Seagal probably thinks it's profound.
Sea gal is not only an embarrassment to actors but to all REAL martial artists. He wouldn’t be able to fight off a toddler
🤣😂😭 I luv how he pronounce the name Suhgal
since rotating hand slaps work quite well on toddlers, he might actually have a chance
@@RandoLePerson I doubt he could beat anyone with the slightest fight training
@@RandoLePerson your mum can fight too
Shows what you know. Put ol' Stevie in an empty room and throw in a guy holding a Big Mac and he'd beat that S.O.B. to death....
I recently found your highly informative and educational synopsis of some of the most classic films in our history and I must say...you make me choke on my tea regularly 🤣🤣🤣
This comment was beautifully written.
@@nathansharma87 why thank you 😁
Same.in the break room I laugh and almost choke.
I found him last night and been binge watching his seagal stuff lil
@@jummyran me rn 😂😂
Never forget to tell Steven how awesome he is...
“All we really know is he hates kids with leukemia.” Gold. Pure gold.
I’m hooked on your recaps, Seagal’s level of deluded narcissism is f’g *WILD* 🤣
Saddest of all is he actually has a clique of fanboys. Spotted them in the wild here on RUclips comments.
I’ve seen this movie like 10 times because I’m blown away every time. How did he become a doctor in a village? So he was like a navy seal and a doctor? And a king fu master? My other theory is that his pupil guy who owns the karaoke bar is just an extension of Seagal. Seagal can’t be in every scene so his pupil who is wise and good in every way spreads the word of Seagal into the world. The creepiest part was that the young girl in his special ops team is literally like 18 years old in this movie. Seagal tells her to wear something real sexy and then she precedes to engage in a steamy lesbian make out scene. He’s literally 40 plus years older then her
I noticed her in the video (I think, it could've been another one...) I was like "Oh boy, they're getting even younger" Tackling new lows that even Neil Breen won't go to.
@@elsiedoomhammer7646 Neil Breen is actually kinda sweet and dumb uncle ish irl
@@elsiedoomhammer7646 Damn homie went hard; he brought in Neil Breen lol. If only Breen knew martial arts…I wonder if they’d do a collabo.
Edit: probably not, Breen would try to portray himself as a time-traveling, all-knowing, all powerful alien god, and Seagal would want to play an ex spec ops, Kung Fu master and shaman, who can apparently kill a god.
Dude, we should be grateful he didn't put her next to a pole in a strip club scene.
Based
Some people took their own lives after watching this movie... They could not live with the memories.
I almost did! I still have to recover.
@@shuabshungne8043 Some are still in Coma after seeing it..
@@shuabshungne8043 some just had diarrhea
@@shuabshungne8043 I will remember you in my prayers
@@Ishitonyou666 Explosive diarrhea.
Im sorry for all those other actors and Director of Photography as they were trying to make a movie.
I lost it when he was goig on and on about Life, and then it cuts to him just mowing down a room full of people.
2:17
you can almost see the actor crack into a blooper reel when he uttered the line: “not only are you good at martial arts…you also have a good heart.”
i mean, how could you not laugh at that amazing, well thought out line?
FYI- the Chinese guy speaks Mandarin, and then Seagal replies in Cantonese. The two dialects sound completely different, as good as 2 distinct languages (it’s like French and Spanish). You would think they would at least standardize the language.
I lost my shit when he starts being a musician too. That guy can never be satisfied enough with himself
What a great channel! My father is a fan of Seagal and I was forced to watch through many of his films 😳 this feels like a redemption...now I see that I am not the only one who knows that Seagal is a bad actor and a bad person also
you cant just judge someone as a bad person. that is not in your power to do so. and as for bad actor. he is not the best actor ever and it depends on people's perception. differentl people have differenr perceptions :)
I'm pretty sure that constitutes child abuse. Nobody should be forced to watch a Seagal movie without copious alcohol.
@@stylishboy004 Unfortunately there's countless stories and evidence of him being a shocking person, beating his wife, sexually abusing female cast members and how terribly he treated other people. There's a reason he was driven out of Hollywood and that's saying a lot as there's tonnes of scumbags there.
@@stylishboy004 There's more than enough evidence to judge Seagal as a pretty shitty person - and I'm not talking about his movies.
@@stylishboy004 Why cant he judge someone as a shitty person? Sure in many cases people make ignorant uniformed judgements about people that they wouldnt otherwise make, if they really knew them. But they are still allowed to do it. Its still in a persons power to make a poor judgement if they choose to.
Anyway, the case of Seagal there is a tonne of supporting evidence that hes a piece of shit that has nothing to do with his movies. There is too much to know where to start. Search for yourself.
Ideas for his next movie:
a) Part time fisherman bent on revenge over his murdered ladyboy fiancee.
b) Navy cook with a background on Special Operations taking on a slew of mercenaries aboard a WW2 battleship.
c) NYPD detective trapped in a corporate building during a hostage situation fights his way through to save his estranged wife.
d) Romcom where a magical entity duplicates Seagal but the other him is a martial artist who murders his ladyboy fiancee so the real Seagal has to avenge the crime without using violence or killing anyone.
I found this channel like 3 days ago and I'm now addicted to it.. These Seagal Movie Reviews makes me laugh over a stressful day at work.. Thank you for this and hope you continue doing this and Sensei Seagal making more of these kind of movies for people not to watch on cinemas but for your to review them..
I'm worried i'm going to talk like this in a meeting.
@@briangeorgebowes I did at home and my wife was like "what the hell is happening? " lol
Me too, luckily I haven't watched all the seagal reviews yet. I only watch a 2 or 3 a night, trying spreadout the laughs.
This is my favourite channel 😁😂😂
I really waited for the line "He wants to sound like Confucius..." to end in "...but he ends up sounding confusing"
5:14 "This f'ing scene maaaan" made my day.
Seagal is the master of character development.
He trained under the creator of character development 20 years ago.
@@zephyr8072 false,he hamd crafted character development himself. He was the guy who coached Daniel day Lewis.
NOT!!
@@zephyr8072 Now he teaches it between projects. You'll soon notice a influx of great actors, thanks to his graciousness
Indeed. The Chinese lady at 3:40 speaks with a heavy Thai accent. There must be an amazing backstory of how she got that accent, perhaps she was adopted by Thai parents and eventually returned to the birthplace of her biological parents.
"Now what are you guys doing?"
SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS THIS?"
I am laughing so hard now. I love this channel.
The bag and the feathers is probably one of the funniest thing I heard all year 🤣
And the guy's face🤣🤣
"Poisons dont carry life" so sincere yet hilarious
If the world ended and aliens went through the wreckage, and only found Segal movies that would be the worst timeline.
The aliens would conclude that the world was better off destroyed
The aliens would invent a time machine, go back in time and then wipe out the human race AGAIN out of sheer outrage.
Fun fact: The chinese guy who plays Seagull´s buddy and does pretty much all the fight scenes, is Louis Fan.
He´s a pretty well known star in Hong Kong action cinema and a legit martial artist, trained in various Kung Fu styles and has appeared in tons of Hong Kong movies, incl. Ip Man 1 & 2.
He´s the Northern Shaolin master that challenges Ip Man to a fight, in the first movie & appears also in the second movie.
He also starred in that amazing Riki-Oh: The Story of Riki movie, in the 80´s, which I highly recommend and would be perfect for a future review. Seriously, if you haven´t watched already Riki-Oh: The Story of Riki, drop everything and go see it!
WTF is a legit Hong Kong martial arts action guy like him, during in this?! He usually appears in movies with Donnie Yen & Yuen Biao.
cuz he is the chinese version of seagull without being boated(yet).
sex harassment, unprofessional attitude, highly active in money laundring movies and living in former fame, he got it all. which is both funny and sad to see these two in a movie tbh
Unfortunately, no one gives a shit.
Money.
Both Louis Fan and Seagal are legitimate martial artists.
@@AztecUnshaven Nice try Steven.
Seriously nothing makes me cry with laughter. Not even some of the greatest South Park episodes. Thank you so much man, hilarious 😂
The look on that guy’s face when Seagal is telling him to climb a mountain and throw feathers everywhere had me dying. You could tell that that that dude wasn’t acting, it was a legit wtf face.
I think he was trying to put his own spin on a Chinese story but he mangled it hilariously
I don't know about anyone else but that triple twist just about blew my freaking mind!
The silly attempt at Tai-chi with the retarded master and his son master trumps it
It put me in hospital. A hospital for children with leukemia.
This channel is a well kept secret of the internet.
This channel makes me forget all my worries. The eloquent and poetic sarcasm man! Pure gold! even stand up comedians haven't made me laugh so hard😂
That guy is so mesmerized by the slowest game of pattycake ever played 😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣
This review gave me flashbacks to about fifteen years ago when a musician friend found out about Seagal's "blues" connections, and was slightly fixated on the idea of him turning out to also be a good blues musician - only for us to find some of it and no, he wasn't.
You ever heard his reggae album?
@@Baccanaso That sounds like something I saw in a dream but aren't sure where I got it from.
I don't throw this term around very often, but Steven Seagal has built his entire personality out of half-assed cultural appropriation. Eastern Europe, Black American culture, and anything Asian. His entire personality. He's like incel weeb patient zero.
@@wcookiv 😅😅😅😅😅
@@wcookiv wiki says seagal is of russian, german and dutch descent.
Seagal claims he's a citizen of the world.
You actually make segal watchable 😆
Seagal is living god in Russia.
"Seagall spends the movie, waddling around in a moo-moo". lol, my sides are aching.
Space Ice, you are the absolutely best. Your magical ability to accurately convey what viewers are truly seeing and feeling combined with Steven Seagal movies is a match made in heaven. Thank you Space Ice and thank you Steven Seagal for the gift that never stops giving.
1:37 Wtf was that maneuver? Putting the blade away? 🤦🏻🤦🏻😂😭
Ah, so you fell for it too! The blade is just a distraction. The real lethal weapons are his hands... And that sexy swagger. The only thing that trumps his body count as an assassin, general, ninja master, is his body count as a lady-killer. Oooh yea.
I too was wondering why no one mentioned it. 😂 Very casual way to stride off, sword under arm, after what just occurred. 😅
I have watched you jump from 8,000 subscribers to 18,000 in just over a week.
Good work!
Best thing I’ve found on RUclips in decades
Seagal said himself, "His movies are food for the hungry mind. "
No joke, Mr. Seagal fascinates me. From a psychological point of view, he's one of a kind. Who else is going to make these kinds of movies?
FR, it's like he is sweetly oblivious of reality and lives in a world where he's a golden god. Narcissist is not a strong enough word for this infernal jackass.
@@MelancoliaI No, he's something else. Most narcissists actually care about what people think of them. Seagal simply doesn't care. It's a bizarre state of mind.
@@robwalsh9843 Very well. So in your opinion there isn't a word to describe his state of mind? Because yeah I agree it's a step beyond narcissism into something else.
@@MelancoliaI Not sure. I'd have to look it up
I just love how he's like a big child living up his childish fantasies.
This guy makes me laugh so much. His delivery never misses like how Steven Seagal never misses a hit
I just love the idea of Seagull sitting there writing this shit and using all these words he clearly doesn't understand the meaning of to write the dumbest shit and thinking it's the most deep, philosophical thing ever written.
But Seagull getting to touch young boobies makes it all worth it.
“It’s mostly seagal wadding around a rainy village in a moo moo”😂😂
“It’s refreshing to see him break new ground” 😅😅😅
The best part is how none of the bullet noises match the guns' rate of fire
I am really depressed I have watched all your Seagal videos already :( they are incredible and had me in stiches! Keep up the awesome narration and look forward to more Seagal madness!!
I've watched all of your Seagal videos, and this is the best intro of them all. The level of brutality in your sarcasm is rare to see in this world, thank you Space Ice.
I know !!! Seagal is trying to enter the guinness book of world records for the longest list of worse movies of all time !!!
That's not gonna happen...he's over qualified.
Seagal is pure cringe in the flesh. A lot of flesh....
Enjoyed this review. A new low for the man who is the textbook example of narcissistic personality disorder.
He wears the same goofy glasses in a lot of these bad movies 😂😂
"It's refreshing to see him break new ground" I fucking died!
"you could have died twenty years ago from old age" is such a great line
I have to applaud you because your channel has made Steven Seagal movies watchable…for about 10-15 minutes…
Other filmmakers idea of arthouse:
Make the best movie they can
Seagal's idea of arthouse:
Wearing a white hat
The explanation about the elderly father subplot is that in reality he and Siu-Wong Fan 2 characters are also father and son in real life. Interestingly, they mostly became famous by their roles in _Riki-Oh_ , widely considered to be one of the most bizarre and disgusting movies ever. It’s basically about an indestructible man with superpowers (Siu-Wong Fan) who allows himself to be arrested for killing his girlfriend’s murderers and taken to a private prison, only to realize that the “prison” is just a cover-up for a drug factory run by a giant monster who somehow keeps a human appearance thanks to some pills, and who brutally tortures and executes prisoners for the slightest inconvenience, while Fan’s RL father plays the monster’s second-in-command who has a hook instead of his hand (interestingly, he is the only villain who is not killed personally by the protagonist in the end). However, instead of ordinary action scenes, every fight in the movie devolves into grotesque scenes of obvious dummies and prosthetics being ripped and torn to pieces with fake blood spewing everywhere, and there are lengthy scenes of prisoners being tortured, including one who gets crucified. The final “showdown” comes down to the protagonist just pressing the shapeshifted monster (obviously just an empty rubber costume) above a meat grinder while meat is flying around everywhere in slow-mo.
However, what these 2 movies have in common is that the Siu-Wong Fan’s character is pretty much omnipotent in both of them, but chooses to remain passive until the very end. In “Riki-Oh” this can be justified by him wanting to serve his prison time until he realized the “prison” is just an inhumane ruse, but in this dumb movie there’s no explanation why all the characters waited so long to finally face the villains, or why Fan even needed help from such a large team, when he easily eliminated almost all of the villains himself - he was killing mooks effortlessly in the other room even while Seagal had the brief “sword fight” with the main villain.
Ive always wanted to read the.manga version of Riki-Oh
I love this narrator’s voice. If you could run the commentary on 90% of the movies I’ve watched in the last twenty years, that would have given me a thousand laughs and the equivalent of 2 million crunches.
6:46 i said yes and what space ice said after that killed me 😂😂😂
That bit about the sack of feathers had me in stitches 😂😂
I’m addicted to this channel.. I honestly never knew segal had this many movies until I started watching this channel
"What a about night time? ..you already put more thought into this movie than Seagal did." Lmao 🤣🤣🤣
Anytime i need a good laugh, I just tune into this channel…your introductions are hilarious 😂😂😂😂😂
Same here 😂
@@JasperOosterveld 😂😂😂😂
1:39 imagine someone putting their bloody sword under their armpit, what a mess
This channel gets double praise from me, for handling this cinematic equivalent of having Steven Seagal spray a fountain from his backside alll over you. 👍👍
Indeed, his respect for his audience is palpable.
Some actors, like Costner, always play themselves. Seagal, however, always plays his real life affected persona.
Affected or afflicted??
Trying to make sense to a Steven Seagal movie is something really hard. There are not so many things that are harder in life than this one haha
Russkis don't give a fk of the scenario. They just wanna see h0___t g@ls, nu__d1ty, killings and action.
Seagal is living god in Russia.
He friend with Caesar V. Putin, president of the federation of Russia, and martial artist himself.
He has russki citizenship.
He trained spetznasz, russki elite unit.
Seagal movies are made specifically for Russia and Asia.
Nobody is supposed to watch seagal in Western Europe or the US.
"Throw all the feathers everywhere in the wind" lmaoooo
These reviews are awesome. lmfao!
You know how there are 9 levels of Hell dimensions? I bet there's a specific Seagull movie for a each Hell, this one belongs in the Purgatory Level.
Which one is at the 9th circle?
I’ve only just come across your channel and I have been binging every single Steven Seagal video and it has become my new favourite thing to do on RUclips. You sir are a f*cking Legend for these! Keep em coming! 😂😂😂😂😂
This channel is priceless 🤣🤣 lowkey you are the greatest action flicks fan i ever seen
Love your channel.
I've seen every video you make at least once .
To make these pieces of crap entertaining really speaks to how hilarious you are .
Thanks brother
Now I want to see a ex-special forces guy react to seagal movies...
Right, I couldn't hold it in when the master said he was his son. "what the hell is this?" then I spit my drink out
You really had to actually once enjoyed a Steven Seagull movie to truly appreciate the great laughter this commentary provides. 😂😂😂😂
I can’t stop watching
It seems that with "Attrition" Seagal has reached his maturity phase in regard to film-making with this art-house avantgarde production design and cinematography. Truly a film that has all the merits for a Cannes standing ovation. Plus everything falls into place because his Asian roots in combination with his Native-American roots and the African-American roots have reached their highest point of maturity in this deeply existencialist voyage into wisdom. His words will change lives for the better, mark my words. Everything in his career was him playing 4D chess with our minds so that 30 years after we could all contemplate our own faults and prejudices towards the world and the unknown that frightens us. We all took Seagal for granted and laughed at him because deep down we all feared death, but he did not care, he was above it all, and he stared death right in the face and spin-kicked it into the abyss of oblivion so that we could all live in peace. Forever.
You nuts or what? Wiki says Seagal is of russian, german and dutch descent.
Even if he claims he's a citizen of the world.
@@swissmilitischristilxxii3691 you do understand what sarcasm is right?
🤣
Not spin kicked, bitch slapped
Wait a second, 1:07 did Steven Segal just do Asian Face? lol he’s squinting while Asian music is playing & he’s dressed as what he would call “A China Man” lol good lord😂 he’s all over the place.
My sides are hurting 🤣 I can’t believe you started naming all the movies he was in special forces
I love how in 90% of his movies, his background happens to be in special forces. Love the consistency of Sensei!
There's a requirement for every Seagull movie.
•Stupid plot
•Nonsense quotes
•People praising his deeds
•Not get hit by enemy
•Strip club
•Young woman love interest
•Poobies/Noodity
😑😑
- Can't hold a gun properly/no look shooting
- Leather jacket to hide his body fat, stays clothed in sex scene
- Dubbing everywhere
- Stunt doubles that are obvious
- Slap fighting aikido
Ingredients for a seagal movie:
- Chairs
- Glasses
- Leather jacket
- Always playong either a ex Special Forces/Black Ops/Navy Seal soldier or a CIA/DEA agent
- Shit & Stupid Storyline that makes the plot incomprehensible
- Incoherent dialogue
- Unintelligible mumbling
- Strip club
- Padding just to hit 90 minutes
- Love interest (either a single mother, a under 21 stripper, a survivor of abuse, a nanny or any girl whatsoever) who is half his age
- Body doubles
- Voice doubles
- Lots of guns
- Someone telling to Seagal how awesome he is
- Stairs to show the body doubles' athlethism
- Movie being recorded at cheap places like Romania or Asia, or Mexico
- A sidekick that can do more work than the body double (usually a pro wrestler, UFC fighter or C level martial artist)
- Shooting without looking
- Pointless kills & explosions including killing a bunch of innocent people for no reason
- Slap fights
- Pointless quotes
- A bad guy from Eastern Europe who's overdubbed and still needs subtitles
- Hiding behind stuff he can't fit
- Leaving allies in danger to fend for theirselves
- Somehow recycling older production assets (license plates, passports, etc)
- Random ending
- Sex scene where he's fully clothed
You forgot executive decision when seagal gets sucked out of a stealth jet in mid air and I assume does 47 flips before landing on the ground 10000 below without a scratch.
Wow! Triple twists where the third twist is that everything is pointless are the best!
I never been so excited for a RUclips channel in my life😀…thank you master space ice😄…