I Used To Be Successful...
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- Опубликовано: 24 июл 2024
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▼ Timestamps ▼
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0:00 - Reddit Post "I used to be successful"
2:08 - Running into a wall
5:35 - Contents overview
8:13 - Psychology of self esteem
13:12 - How value is perceived
17:48 - How do I develop self esteem?
20:48 - Deconstruct your esteem
23:02 - Are you actually good at your job?
28:10 - What is an employer looking for?
37:01 - Get feedback
38:21 - Networking
41:14 - Running into a wall (again)
46:31 - Questions
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I really don’t understand how this channel manages to answer every single question I have about myself at exactly the right time.
Edit: Lol thanks guys ik I'm going through the same worries as everyone else, it's just strange how Dr K suddenly appears in my recommended to dissolve all my concerns almost every single time. Thank you Dr K!
The power of relatability i suppose
When the student is ready the teacher will appear. yay Synchronicity!
You're just like everyone else. Not too surprising right?
Humans make patterns your making one right now. There several reasons this "coincidence" is occurring. Your the target audience, Google data, Discord surveys, etc. It'll be another channel in another phase in time. Also be wary of the idea that it answers your questions. I think its more of a guide to a possible answer but you'll have to figure out the nuances yourself as an individual.
Internet algorithms know us better than we know ourselves.
The problem with precocity: While you are young you are gifted and your peers are often staggeringly dumb. It's lonely. Nobody likes a Brainiac. Little by little, however, some of your peers finally grow up and then they start to pass you. And they are far better socialized than you, because they were never a weirdo precocious youngster. Furthermore, it happens to many that even if their parents would have liked to be supportive, they may have other pressing concerns that take their time and energy away. Since you're getting A's with no problem, you are not even on the list, anymore. Got a sibling or parent with health or mental or learning issues? Then you will not only NOT get the support you need, you will get a lot more responsibility -- sometimes, partly because you are deemed "more mature," you will be responsible for your more needy sibling's life or death, or the care and health of your younger siblings, or the emotional support of a parent, or all of the above.
Wow, just go ahead and expose my childhood right here ok lol
So true
well this hit like a truck
I swear, if I had a dollar for every time an adult told me I was surprisingly mature for my age and then proceeded to rely on that…
We gotta start teaching kids how to set and respect boundaries cause man is it both insanely hard and necessary.
this is incredibly accurate
Graduated with a degree in engineering and still looking for a job 3 years later. It's nuts man
This is hitting hard as someone who got through med school and some published work and……..now I’m a 9-5 clinician (which is really 7-7) without a life and kinda struggling with the same “self” esteem issue as some peers continue to excel.
Man is this internal work hard.
Part of the key is learning to see value in the work itself. But yes, it can be hard. But good on you for doing it, society only tends to evaluate results, not the efforts that bore them, and it will get easier as you acclimatise to valuing your own work and identity, rather than seeing it in reference to others. Keep at it!
I hope I can even get through Med school . I truly peaked in high school and I have developed so many bad habits
@@aryan7767 if you have the smarts to get in then you usually can get through. It’s just a grind. I got a lot out of hanging out with people who had better study habits than me and taking group breaks (gave some accountability when studying)
Dr. K is the dad that talks you out of all your negative self talk. It’s so calming and reassuring and just clears the fog in my head when insecurities and issues arise. He just brings out the logic to negate the emotion.
I'm in my fifth year of a six-year program and my grades have been getting worse when they were great pre-quarantine. I always think of how I was "such a good student" back then and I've had to learn that my sense of identity has been wrapped up with my academics.
You're not a better or worse person based on how well you perform at school nor work. What matters is trying your best and being open to feedback from others 💙
The 2020 quarantine that started in March brought my 4.0 GPA down to a 3.8 and it was entirely due to the awkward transition from inclass to online learning.
These type of people lost their ability to write lie articles about President Trump and thus lost their I come and will never make it in the scene again. Don't be that person.
@@f3l7p4dssmoothgaming8 what the fuck?
Damn, this one hits close to home, I was an engineer at Tesla, fired in the most absurd way after 4 years of hard work and dedication.
The thing is, most of my self esteem and image came from the idea of working there.
So yeah it’s been an uphill battle for a while.
Hopefully I’ll get back on track. ✌🏽
You got this buddy! I believe in you
Let's do it!!!!
you can do it
You were an engineer at tesla!!! That’s awesome man. You’re an ENGINEER, get out there and do what you do best. Don’t let a company decide your identity.
Take that experience and go elsewhere. Don't be defined by where you worked, but the experience you got along the way.
11:30 even as an adult, having my mom admit she essentially left me alone after 11 and had no involvement in keeping me on track or getting me to college was such a healing and forgiving moment for me. I blamed myself so much for not getting my life on track but I was left all by myself academically (and in many other ways) and its not younger me's fault..
Yeah my parents loved me but they didn’t do what parents are suppose to do in regards of guiding me or checking in on my educational progress. It’s pretty easy to not care as a kid when you’re parents don’t seem to have an interest in what your doing.
@@c0rkum same dude... its so easy to not care at that age and not know what youre missing..
my mom just wrote me off as being "smarter than her" so she didn't take any care in getting me on track at all even when I was clearly falling off academically and socially. Self harm, smoking weed, anorexic, skipping the class I didn't like because it made me feel academically inferior..
Nobody helped me prepare to be successful and frankly I never will now that all that time is lost. I'm still struggling to work full time and get through college at 27. Gave up on my dreams of being a doctor long ago because it's just too late and don't really know what to do with myself now.
Shit sucks. Parents out there, give a fuck about getting your kids on the right path. It fucks them up forever if you dont.
@@void9938 I’m sorry to hear that man. It’s wild to think that a lot of children are being raised blindly. It was abundantly clear that my parents loved me but had absolutely no idea what they were doing 🤷🏽 I think I know what you mean by her thinking you were “smarter then her”. In my case my mom assumed I thought I was “too good for her” when in reality I was just an insecure, massively depressed child. There is nothing we can do to change the lack of involvement our parents had in our lives but that doesn’t mean we should give up. If anything I think it means we need to try harder.
Im glad you could have that conversation with your mom. My parents will still openly say "it shows they werent around when I was a kid" but will follow it up with but youre an adult now so you should do better anyway. We grew up in a small town, I was expected to get myself to and from preschool at 5yo by myself, and then stay alone in the house for hours until mom and dad came home from work. They will still casually throw out how I quickly lose interest in things and dont follow through bringing up things from my childhood, like giving up playing the synth (piano too expensive) after 3 years, now when I look back considering they constantly told me I was going to give up and that im not that good at it let alone provided any encouragement im amazed I lasted 3 years on my own as a 10yo kid. I went full mess during high school and their only response was to punish and ground me for my grades sometimes.
When I graduated college with what would be the equivalent of over 4.0, my dad told me he never expected me to finish college because I never learned to study a lot.
Trying to keep myself on track postgrad feels like building a house of cards, while trying to swap cards with more solid structures bit by bit, and I keep expecting the whole house to come down any second.
@@BambiLena666 I know the lack of support and encouragement can make it seem like you’re never doing enough even when your trying your best. Sounds like your parents don’t have the capacity to take accountability and it is very possible they gave you everything they were capable of (doesn’t mean it was everything you needed). We as people are very aware and resilient, so much so that I have no doubt in my mind that you can achieve whatever goals or state of being you seek to accomplish. A lot of people have been through similar experiences, I hope you can become your own success story.
P.s. You should be very proud of that 4.0 gpa, keep killing it 👍🏼
Story of my life. I'm in my mid 30s, 4 years ago I was beginning my career as a university lecturer. I developed depression and tried to commit sudoku and I've never been the same since. I cannot hold down a 9-5 anymore and can only work sporadically before I get overcome with depression. I feel like a loser because I have to live with my parents and accept lower paid jobs. I'm just now trying to claw my way out of depression. I cannot teach anymore and I don't know how else to earn a good income.
Not in my thirties and a bit younger than you but I’ve been in your situation sudoku and depression-wise. All I want to say is that life does get better. Of course, there’s going to be effort involved, but life can and will get better.
From what you have said, you’re already making effort. I thought that the world was better off without me, that I was useless and nothing mattered, no one mattered. But guess what? I was lying to myself for an easy way out.
Life is designed to be hard, you just need to find your way to get through it. Then life becomes easier. For me, it was good one friend who introduced me to two friends, then three, then many many more. I understand that it may not be the same for you but maybe, just maybe, you can be that person who acknowledges someone else and makes a connection there. A lot of people are hurting inside, and I know it sucks. Just look for the signs and see if you can offer your help, or at the very least your presence. Long text wall, sorry!
Sounds like burnout. Today I found out burnout can take 3-5 years to recover from. I was getting a PhD in chemistry and I had to stop because I genuinely thought I was going to “sudoku” myself too. I had to leave half way through my PhD and that was a low blow to my ego. I spend three years for nothing in grad school. Now I don’t work in my field at all but I’ve been lucky to have been able to make it work. Use this time to heal and get better. Soon enough you will be able to crawl out of this dark place. Use the fact that you’re living with your parents as an advantage to save money and learn to live on way less of an income. Find a job that can allow you to learn while to work. That way you can heal mentally. Soon you will develop skills tht will help you get out of this. I’m currently working a job that doesn’t even require a college degree but I have a lot of time and listen to a lot of stuff on my ear phones like psychology tips, interview tips, beauty tips etc. I’m slowly getting better. It’s been three years since I walked away from my PhD. I would be a doctor now. But I look at the bright side. Slow and steady wins the race. I have more job experience than my grad school mates so I make more than them and have more real world skills. Always use anything at your disposal to make a positive spin on it. Sorry if this was long but I hope it helps. I’ve been there. Am there ❤️
@@joeyondakeys lol you know how RUclips is sometimes. They might delete the comment
@@apogger3240 Thank you. I appreciate it
@@3g0st Thank you! I hope it gets better for you
Can we just take a moment to appreciate his new setup? The plants and lighting are so dope and totally fit the navy/green color combo.
Dr K wrote this comment, upset we aren't recognizing his decorative skillz 😭😭
Don't worry Dr, we see you 💪💪
random, but i love your new recording space! so serene
yea less clutter
In high school I was always regarded as the student who would go places. Now I'm more of a degenerate than ever and Imy former classmates have caught up to me.
36:18 This is exactly the truth. You have to do some introspection, which I'm sure most of us are good at. This is how I got one of my favorite jobs at a store I loved to work at. I was quitting retail and decided to try a job a little more suited to my career interests, and I thought about what the new interviewer would ask me. I asked myself how I would respond to "Why do you want to work here?" He asked me that exact question and I was able to give an authentic answer of how I've worked at retail for 3 years and I discovered it's not satisfying, and working here is a step in the right direction for me because it's closer to what I want to be doing for the rest of my life. I was hired a week later, even when there easily could've been other people with more experience than me.
this story sounds familiar im 35 and ive gotten to the point of becoming so synical about finding a job or career that i dont even try anymore. I worked really hard in college thinking my life would be a lot different at this point.
Really appreciate this video and it's almost been my life, up to my therapist pointed out a few things to focus on about myself, that she noticed from our 4 to 5 sessions:
1) I'm a good person
2) I'm respectful
3) I'm thoughtful
4) I'm responsible
So, no matter what's happened in my life, those are the 4 things to focus on. Since focusing on those things, I've had 2 promotions at work and have been in a very healthy 5 month long relationship with the woman of my dreams.
For context, my daughter was born when I was 22 and her mom moved 1600miles away. I've supported my daughter and her mom, promoted to a store manager for an at&t franchise at the time the wireless industry took off, bought my first house at 23, and then was promoted to a regional manager in Florida 8 years after. 2 years later, that franchise company sold, and I've been grinding ever since. Like really, working call center jobs in sales while I finished my BSBA, finally. I kept thinking my life had to be perfect again to have the things I had before, but what my therapist did, was point out all the things I already had to be proud of. My self-esteem has been growing ever since, and self motivation and projects have been easy to follow through with, as have relationships.
They complimented me with all sorts of good comments. One that I still remember from college is "golden boy". Now I'm listening to "Sadness and Sorrow" on repeat cause I just don't feel capable of getting back to that level of performance. I've abandoned My Master's degree cause I did not like it but cause of that people arround me were disapointed and it made me feel like I failed and that made me feel like a loser. And every solution that I think about always comes back to getting the "validation that I lost", and I hate it. Thanks for the video. You are right I just need to deconstruct some concepts, But God IT IS SOOO HARD!
This is perfectly timed for me as well. I had a job a few years back where I was very happy and comfortable in. I was learning a lot, and since I had all this enthusiasm and gratitude over having the job I was doing really well. Like exceeding my expectations well. I even got some awards and I felt on top of the world. My colleagues looked for me to get help or to get my perspective and it was awesome.
At some point, I felt like I reached my peak and plateaued. I had some issues at work that chipped away at that love for the job. I began to make mistakes to the point of making a lot of mistakes whereas prior to that I was very sharp and meticulous. Because of that my confidence in my job plummeted. I then decided I was never good at that job in the first place -- it was just luck. I wasn't special at all, I was just in a good situation and rode it out as long as I could.
That was the easiest way for me to rid of this feeling of inadequacy, except that belief made it worse. I tried time and time again to reinvent myself, but I was unable to get to the level where I was prior. I just felt like something was missing. Now thinking back, it makes perfect sense. I had zero confidence in what I was doing whereas before I was full of confidence. I was good at my job and I did it consistently for two years until I lost that and did not know how to get it back.
Eventually I was let go and spent the last two years trying to understand what happened while going from job to job. Through meditation and through self discovery I was able to gain some understanding what happened. I was also able to land a similar job recently, but oddly enough I was fighting this very same issue. I just have very little confidence in myself, but this video makes me realize so many things. It makes me think of what I need to fix and the way I need to go about it. It truly fills me with hope.
Once again, thank you Dr. K. I am eternally grateful for what you do.
thanks so much
exactly what i had needed two years ago, i hope those who struggle with this issue now, would be able to find such a good explanation
This one has given me a lot to reflect on. Thank you, Dr. K!
I'm in nursing school now, but I can't seem to hold down employment anymore when two years ago I was holding down a permanent part time job. I'm not "gifted" but I do have a supportive family or I would have starved by now. This could not have come at a better time since after this degree I am going to have to try and get a job again.... and I am terrified
Are you scared of the routine or monotonous nature of work? That’s how I would feel in retail. I just had to look forward to parts of the day that made me happy. If nothing makes you happy in your current or past work spaces, then see where else your degree can take you. Take the small victories and build up to the bigger ones.
Monotonous doesn't really apply... you have clients who have dementia, cranky clients and family members too. I'm scared to re-engage after finding and losing a job I finally felt "competent" in. I admit I relied on the feeling of "helping" my clients as an external way of maintaining my self-esteem. Also I fear my clients rejecting their medications which may just kill them
@@apogger3240 I'm looking into the alternative as actively working as a flobotimist as well. Thank you for your advice and help, I truly appreciate it
@@victoriaveitch6650 I think after nursing school you will be more than fine. Probably just my personal bias though. I can't imagine having to worry about getting a job after nursing school. Pretty sure they're lining up to hire you, but it depends on if you intend on going for a BSN eventually, which I'd recommend.
Wow, talk about a video I needed haha not so much the self esteem part, as I feel like I have pretty good self esteem but the job searching/sense of worth as an applicant bits were just what the Doctor (K) ordered
I worked somewhere about 3.5 years after college, but was getting burnt out. Found a new job in my field in a different state with a ~20% pay raise. After the nightmare of getting moved/settled in finally ended, my boss decided I wasn’t a good worker. I was fired 3-4 months after starting the job and I lack the motivation to try for something else now. It’s been 3 weeks.
Currently job hunting and suffering from the drudgery of messaging people on LinkedIn and sending in over 100 apps to barely get any response. This post really resonated with me :) because I sometimes feel "behind" compared to people i know from hs and uni.
It is a numbers game but go with more quality over quantity if youre getting little response currently with literal hundreds of applications. Reach out to different people in the industry and see what they would want prospective candidates to do and learn from that. Good luck!
@Dion thank you for replying 😊 after watching the whole video, I realized I should seek some feedback. I won't lie I am someone who gets down when 3 cold messages get ignored, which slows me down 😅 but i haven't tried approaching people in the positions I want!! (Just recruiters)
Anyways thanks again :) I needed a mindset shift
Thanks a lot Dr K for choosing such an insightful post to talk over, also alot of thanks to the post writer.
This was a much needed topic to reflect on, for me at this time.
Transferred to my first year of university as an electrical engineer and felt this hard. I'm the first in my family to go to college, but the transition to university has been incredibly difficult where I think about how much of a better and stronger student I used to be in high school. As always, great content to help me evaluate myself and try to do the best. My first therapy session is in two months after encouragement from your videos!
What did you do to fix this?
Thank you I really needed to understand this, seriously, for years.
Much love, you're really a hero for a lot of people including me 💖🥺
At 26:54, the gardener is like the fish. "Everyone is a genius, but if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it is stupid."
HealthyGamer team please do an episode on gifted people who actually do succeed after high school / post secondary. I think learning about gifted or talented people is so fascinating.
or about oversexualised twitch streamer that pretend be shy and overthink next sentence with baby noise
shout out to 11:12 about conditional vs unconditional love
growing up, my mom's favorite phrase was "it's all on you" while simultaneously micromanaging and nitpicking every free hour :'D
I really needed this video today. I like a lot of your videos but this one really clicked for me and I was able to recognize that I have done good work in the past and am capable of amazing feats. I am not special because of my employment. I got employeed where I was in the past because I can produce good work. It seems so simple but it's a game changer.
Just a follow up but I reached out to a recruiter a few days after this comment and had an interview today. I am optimistic about how it went and I felt like I was where I belonged. Before my paradigm shift, I felt I was trying to trick the interviewer into thinking I could fit in at the job. Like I wasn't worthy and they were doing me a favor by employing me. But I really saw myself as an equal to my potential future coworkers during my latest interview and it made a huge difference to my overall feelings. I don't know why this particular video just clicked for me but it really did.
I had no idea there was a pocast, the advertisements at the top of the stream window was an amazing add, thank you!
Sir I got to say your content is 👌🏽 keep it going.
Dr K always posts videos just when I need them the most like he can read my mind or something. Whenever I see the title of a new video, it feels like when you get an ad on Instagram 15 mins after you googled a product. It's so uncanny.
That's one of the problems I faced as Dr.K said about the soil. I can do very well in life if I am on good soil, but really bad if it turns to be bad. One of the coping mechanisms that I am using now is that whenever I know I have 'good soil' in life, I put in extra effort into my work so that I can make and save more, and hope that I will never putting myself into a situation where the soil isn't good. Overall, the problem is that I am very good at being a front runner but suck badly being an underdog, how should I resolve this situation?
Thanks for helping me with this as well. I was raised with with conditional love and messed so much with my psyche, realizing many years later. It was extremely difficult to make mistakes and went through so much s*icidal tendencies because it was difficult for me to make mistakes over the years. I am much better now, and my parents (although theyre not the only people who raised us and caused this fear in me) have realized and since apologized of how we were raised after I went through a horrible year that they saw apart from years prior that they didnt see (unfortunately, I still struggle with the fear of failure but I am more accepting of my weaknesses now)
Thank you very much for not putting ads every few seconds or cutting the video in half and post the other half on your sponsor website.
As an HR executive, the whole bit about recruiting was perfectly on point. Considering the whole exercice of recruiting has a lot to do with psychology, i'd like to see a video on that
Thank you dr k!!
Ugh, I identify very deeply with this guy. I had difficulty finding work ten years ago after my first big break into my industry and my self-esteem was utterly shattered. My former coworkers had praised my work and told me that I was learning fast and so I thought I was set up for a permanent upward trajectory. Then there were big layoffs and I spent the next year and a half inundated with emails full of rejection over and over and over. Or just dead silence in response to any of my inquiries to various companies. I'm back on track now but there's a part of me that's not completely recovered. I'm still gripped by this need for external validation and I have a very hard time believing people when they praise my work because it feels like it might be a lie. I'm in therapy now but it's sad that I'm still haunted by what happened so many years ago.
Have been (and still am somehow) in the same condition as the guy above, albeit with more years on the back: was a pixel artist and musician for games first, won even contests; then a web designer, animator, multimedia designer and web developer for several companies, last one a radio cluster where i did work five years - longest time so far; did got laid off and then was unable to get another job back in my field and ANY job for like one year and a half; had to work temporary on retail and later for the school district where am still right now; still resentful about it, with self esteem very low a bit and concerned that in case something else come out i might be done for it :(
It looks like you lived an incredible life. Which is worse, to have had a taste of it, or never tasted it at all? To have been able to have those jobs is a treasure. Getting back into it will just take time, constant applying and checking for openings because it kinda depends on luck. It took me 6 months to get a retail job, and I'd like to be a receptionist at a mental health clinic but that has some barriers and even if I meet the requirements, I'll be denied because I don't have experience and every job posting wants that. How do you get experience if no one wants to hire you? I'm not saying to compare yourself to me, I'm saying you're great already. And if you get tired of waiting to have the dream job again, it's ok to redefine what you need to be happy. It's my theory that all jobs suck in some way though. I don't know how well a person can train themselves to be okay with that.
I definitely agree that a lot of the time the problem is totally that your self esteem is just external esteem that you think is self esteem. But I also think sometimes the problem is that you genuinely have developed at least some self esteem, and there’s this cognitive dissonance when the people around you treat you less well because you’re suddenly struggling when you weren’t before, and you still have decent self esteem, and so you’re faced with this weird sense of like “why the f are people treating me like I’m less than, I don’t deserve this.” And then over time if it goes on too long, it gets easier and easier to believe that you shouldn’t have had any self esteem all along-like your anxiety about the external esteem gaslights your self esteem into tanking.
I don’t know, maybe that’s the same thing, but I feel like there’s an intermediate step for a lot of people that’s not covered in this video, and it’s kind of where I’m at right now-the trying not to doubt my own self-confidence because most of the people around me have been operating on a conditional love paradigm for long enough that it’s starting to get to me.
As a “gifted kid”, I was way harder on myself than my parents were when I got bad grades in high school. I feel like if you don’t experience enough failure when you’re young, your parents don’t have as many opportunities to show you that their love is unconditional. So at those ages when you are learning to value yourself, you don’t see what happens when you don’t achieve something. I guess there is something to be said about making sure your kid does fail at something so that they learn about their intrinsic value.
It took failing grades in university before I learned to value myself as myself. I had to let go of my grades defining me. (Then I had to deal with the falling grades after that since I wasn’t motivated to do well anymore. Even if I paid attention in class, I didn’t care to do the work. Now cue the retroactive ADHD diagnosis)
The best way I’ve framed this problem is that assessments and grades are imperfect measuring tools for understanding and ability. Hopefully it correlates well with the true level, but it doesn’t work the same for all people, and it only measures a small sample of time/effort.
I wouldn't be surprised if this person was blacklisted from all the major journalism outlets for not having the perfect cookie-cutter political opinions. They might not even realize it. The journalism industry is a monoculture, especially since 2017, when this person lost their job
That’s an interesting point, there was a big shift in how polarized political opinions got around that time. His highly publicized past works may be haunting him
That, or they did tow the line and nobody wants to hire a journalist from the last 5 years. Journalism is going under and rightfully soo. They made an economy of clickbait, opinion validation, and overall hyperbolic bullshit.
@@RickDrift thank you!! So true ❤
That last example really struck with me. I have been known to believe I have no intrinsic value, but now I know. ♥
This is so me. Also having trouble deciding what I want to do after leaving my first 'career' and being unable to get back in that field after a variety of random jobs. And I hate networking and don't have LinkedIn because I don't want to show others from my past that I am now a 'failure' when I used to be the best student of my generation in college. Not that they would care, so I don't know why I care about stranger's opinions of me anyway..
"because I don't want to show others from my past that I am now a 'failure' when I used to be the best student of my generation in college"
You might just be underestimating your peeps ability to be empathetic. Would you feel that if you were in their situation or would you likely be more understanding ?
Can you do a video about study habits? Like, how do they look like and how to form them
i do believe my old self was a lot healthier and capable. awkwardness and all. i had a decent level of self worth at that point. but then i picked up a joint and unemployment and now its impossible to get back into any kind of routine.
i've been struggling for a while with finding a co-op as an engineering student, and I cannot stress enough how much I appreciate this video. things have been tough. shitload of work to do, projects to work on, working on the side and trying to apply for jobs simply kills any other time I have in the day. not to mention that I'm international, so I have to do all that I can to stand out. at the moment, I think I might be onto something, but over the past 6 or so months, life as a third year has been insane.
Hang in there! You can do this!
For me, learning the difference between self esteem and esteem was life changing. And it all came from a George Carlin quote about people who read self help books written by someone else; that's not self help.... it's help! That helped now me realize the difference between internal and external validation.
I had a fully established dog grooming business. I bought my own van and turned into a groom-mobile and had clients booked until the holidays during the summer. But I had to close it due to my deteriorating mental health and still haven’t been able to make ends meet for over a year and a half. If I’m not doing music or skating with myself I’m in an existential crisis on the brink of death but I can’t make anything out of any else and I can’t commit to a standard job anymore. I’m losing hope, so thank you for this.
This speaks to me in such a strong way. I am having troubles in my career and feel like I wasted so much time which is why I am where I am
I relate to this as somebody that lived alone as a young man from selling drugs. I felt very good about myself. Then I learned that is not the move and it's left me trying to figure out what on Earth I'm supposed to do to be a satisfactory self sufficient good Samaritan.
go back to serving you will never like any other occupation trust
I felt the same way for a while, then I watched that movie with Mathew McConaughey where he was illegally selling drugs for aids patients and I realized it's not about the illegal part of it, the main character probably felt pretty great about himself even if he did get caught, he saved thousands of lives and I think that makes him better than most people. So maybe selling drugs isn't an awesome job, but if you're ethical about it I don't think you should be seen as less than people with legal jobs
@@jonnyb569 it's not that it's seen as less. I had tremendous pride in being completely moral and just. I just don't wanna die or go to prison.
@@Remy2Stronk fair enough lol
@@deeznuts3472 can you elaborate with some personal experience?
This is pure gold 👏
Spot on as usual
Just talking to about the value thing for a moment, I struggle with self-esteem issues, and I don't quite understand how being unique correlates with value. Like, there's will always be people smarter, more athletic, funnier, and more practical. There's always someone better at any task, so just get that guy to do it.
This is kinda strangely close to home. I breezed through college but grad school is HARD. My whole life the signals I got from other people were "use your brain for good - do research! advance society!" but... I realized in the middle of my 2nd year that I didn't want to. I would rather do the "less glamorous" "wasting your potential" thing of teaching. I love teaching, and it would give me time for my hobbies which honestly keep me sane. But realizing I "wasn't cut out for this prestigious career" hit my self esteem so hard for a long time. My whole self-value came from going on the track toward being a researching professor. It took a while to come to terms with it all but I think I have (mostly). Anyway, great video.
These lectures are often really good and helpful for self-understanding, but are almost always non-actionable, and are rarely adaptable for individual situations. I find it incredibly frustrating because these lectures come so close to providing a breakthrough, and then they fall flat when you leave the theoretical and enter the practical.
In this case, I don't feel like there's enough emphasis on addressing the actual incompetence and skill decay within this situation. The potential reality of the dude actually just hitting the wall and completely falling off isn't addressed. How are you supposed to handle the reality of potentially needing to re-progress years of your life, and do it with some degree of grace? Because that's the end practical in this situation, and from my perspective, is incredibly frustrating and invalidating. You both need to retread old ground (while feeling entitled to prior ranks of progression, justifiably or not, doesn't matter), you see your peers as lesser (because you have advanced farther in the past), and it's hard to respect your superiors as much, compared to when you were taking your first shot at it.
Dude nail on the head. I clicked the video to get that, the esteem vs self esteem stuff is nice but retreading ground is so fucking painful and there’s nothing really actionable there. I think maybe the point is developing self esteem allows you to recognize and tone down that self judgement, and allows your enthusiasm for the work to be the motivator instead of the esteem naïveté and glory that was propelling you the first time around.
*these lectures come so close to providing a breakthrough, and then they fall flat when you leave the theoretical and enter the practical. * It might be harsh, but you said it yourself, right when it's your time to shine, it falls completely flat .
Edit: All of your problems are addressed in this video, i suggest you to rewatch it a different day. Also your comment just emanates insecurity and lack of self esteem.
@@edgarsfeldmanis5090 everybody here wants to be an armchair Dr. K but they don't know that person's situation. Yikes.
@@ShahabSheikhzadeh First of all, Julian explained his situation pretty perfectly. He explained the issue and the main cause of it, of course there are variables, but the root issue is highlighted , so your comment saying that we don't know his situation is incorrect. Second of all , i stated that it's completely on him for not applying theory to practical, which is true. Mental health should be improved on gradually, you shouldn't seek a breakthrough just by watching youtube videos, reading etc, because it's a combination of luck,timing,place. So it's not the wisest thing to expect a quick fix to your problem . By the way , my only advice to Julian was to rewatch the video on a different day. yikes.
~Armchair Dr.K wannabe.
He's providing a starting point, but he is not your personal doctor, and not even your personal coach. There is only so much breakthrough that can be offered through a RUclips video. Kind of like, you can only learn so much from studying a textbook, sometimes you need to ask a direct question to a qualified professional(professor). In this case, sounds like you need to talk to a coach or therapist to help you dig out more answers
There is also a more practical side that could very well help this person.
I recently heard from this career coach Ken Coleman that in most online application processes algorithms are used. He said this means that even if you have one word "wrong", you automatically aren't considered anymore and never hear back. Since he is an expert on how to get your dream job/career and coaches many people, so I figured that he does know what he's talking about.
Maybe having this knowledge can a. soften the blow on your self-esteem, because you weren't aware of the systems used in that process, and b. let you find other ways of pursuing jobs/careers that may be more successful. It could be worth checking out his YT podcast, he takes calls and it's interesting to hear his solutions to problems. But he also has a very good book where he explains step by step the alternative route for getting a job/career and circumvent the online/algorithms.
Havent watched a video in a while but this one sounds good
Please do a networking video!
Definitely grew up whether intended or not, feeling performance based affirmation, when I did the burntout gifted kid trick and started to fall behind due to not picking up the study skills, note taking, the schedules (32, and have a horrible relationship with sleep for instance), it turned to tough love. In retrospect, I feel like the correction was with good intent, but my experience was basically having every family get together turn into a roast to "toughen me up". Long story short, it didn't work, and I have social anxiety issues probably coming from that. Yay millennial trauma! I'm soft, I don't want to be an asshole. I want to hold compassion for others, but because I burned out, it's been a struggle to have it towards myself, as I struggle to identify "self". I've described it like driving down the highway with all my baggage tied on top. Coming to an abbrupt stop around late adolescence, and all my baggage being flung into the highway. Now, rolling into my 30s, I'm standing in the middle of the highway trying to figure out what to take with me, what I might've packed without realizing, and what to leave behind. All this is happening while the world passes me by. I've struggled with years of depression, and alot of that comes from executive dysfunction (a term Dr. K brought to light for the first time a little over a year ago.). I've never been able to decide "what I want to be when I grow up", and I've never been able to go r myself the opportunity to find out due to this overwhelming feeling of not wanting to be a burden. Undiagnosed, I don't know how to go about that, so it simply doesn't happen. Living in an echo chamber because I'm too scared to try and fail, so every day just feels the same. Recently my family had to intervene and move me out of my apartment due to a toxic and escalating roommate situation. I feel like I used to have that drive to explore every venue, I was involved in everything from the drama department, to "Model United Nations" , or academic competition boards, to swimming, soccer, JROTC. I was pulled out of school at 16 due to struggles with keeping up with portfolios in classes. My A's on tests couldn't keep up with the incompletes on homework and note taking. It devastated me, and I felt powerless. Had resigned myself to get my GED, and seek military as a career. I'm then told due to heart surgery I had at the age of 2, that's not an option. Life feels like hitting one brick wall after another and I can't find out where I left my "go" button, so I don't know where to find the energy to progress. I feel invalidated at every turn, and without being able to find myself it's hard to know what I'm doing this for. I'm "hopefully lost". And I've never had a good sense of direction to begin with. Just trying to find a way to live my life not kicking and screaming, and feeling powerless.
@12:50 Dr. K, been playing Triangle Strategy? (Hearing Benedict's words come through the HealthyGamer!)
That was a Masterclass 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍🙏
These videos are so incredibly good and relatable but I can't sit through the whole thing which really is unfortunate 😓
Yes, please do video about networking.
Really good timing. Used to be a straight-A student but now I can barely get off my ass to study for tests in senior year. I got accepted to a good college but I can't seem to pull myself together and study. I got a 32% on my last chemistry exam and I've got a 70% in the class and a 74% in my calculus class. I don't know if I've gotten dumber or if I'm just not as smart as I thought I was. I know this is probably just my own mind messing with me since I'm really not putting in the hard work I'm supposed to, but every time I try I don't see any good results. I've got a math quiz tomorrow that I'm supposed to be studying for right now. I've added this video to my watch later and I'm going to head back and study. Wish me luck. I'll update this comment after I've taken the quiz
Sounds like me - and a lot of other people. In my senior year of high school I got an F in calculus (among other things) and I just goofed off instead of studying. In my first semester of college, I got B, C, C, D which was remarkably awful. Every semester since then I've gotten straight A's. For about 2 and a half years worth of classes. Part of it is that I just wanted the sense of community surrounding acing a class. I wanted to put my best effort into learning and mastering the class. But most importantly, college carries weight now. Something high school didn't have. High school mistakenly seemed like something to coast along in when senior year was really just the turning point where the subject material could no longer be coasted through. That was my mistake. Once you find that true sense of urgency and grow a little, you'll start taking the time you need to get better grades. The most important skill to learn in college is how to prioritize your time. I personally decide ahead of time how long I'll need to study for a test to get the grade I want and then reconstruct my schedule around that.
@@joshurlay Any tips for someone who struggles to start work/gives in to analysis paralysis? I often leave things until last minute which is something that I really want to work on.
@@IndigoMist44 For analysis paralysis, which I don't know if I'm commenting on correctly since I had to Google it first, what you need to understand is that doing something half assed is always better than doing nothing at all. Always seek to put out the minimum working solution first, and then work on making it better. This applies to school, work, and your life.
Also, some advice about my greatest regret in high school. In my state, Florida, we have something called bright futures which is like a scholarship that you automatically get if you meet some requirements that pays for your school. Find out if your state has something like that for graduating seniors and get it done.
@@IndigoMist44 In terms of leaving things til the last minute, I struggled with that too and still do today sometimes. A lot of the people I know struggled with it. In college something that helped me is seeing everything that's due on our online interface called canvas which shows our classes and upcoming assignments. Seeing everything in one place allows me to see what is due when and prioritize. There is no better feeling than getting something done early and not having to stress about it. You don't have to blame yourself if you can't get out of the slump, it may just mean you have to much on your plate. This semester I'm doing really well, but I had to cut out things like playing my Xbox and anything super addicting because it was draining my time. It was no easy feat but now I just play clash royale on my phone daily to keep my sanity during school.
What I honestly think is happening with you is that you are experiencing for the first time college level courses. I don't mean the easy ones either, I mean like chemistry and calculus. Calculus especially was the class that I failed the first time because I didn't know I actually had to study. Studying effectively is a skill that you will one day tell people you had to learn someday when you succeed in college. It's not extremely hard work, but it is an effective use of your time and finding out what works for you.
If you were in college I'd highly recommend being a part of a study group for calculus. You'll find a million opportunities to study with other people in college and you should take them as often as you can. Studying with other people makes you commit to studying AND it let's everyone fill in the gaps in everyone else's knowledge.
What I’m trying to say dr k is that I’m like you in terms of analysis I don’t think I’m completely the same because you’ve mentioned scoring really high on sociopathy and I recognize exactly what your doing and I think it’s pretty cool hahha where do I learn more I want to reach true mastery of this gift
39:02 Yes, please do a video on networking!
After hearing this, it makes me hope that in unconditional settings parents share in the material successes of their children. Do not give your child full credit, but let them understand that their credit is a consequence of their community.
Loved the vid
Bro bro!!!! Are you guys big enough where you get to have comic con q&as? Would you guys do that for with your thoughts at a live q@a Covid completely changed the internet industry
Thank you!
Aw this makes me realize my parents were quite unconditional with their love. my self esteem still faltered though because they didn’t really know how to help. Like they didn’t have the best education, so while they didn’t blame me if I didn’t do well, they also didn’t know how to help me improve so I fell into this learned helplessness. I am better in school now though bc though it took me a while, my parents still displayed other behaviours that were conducive to my growth, like they were always willing to try new things in non school contexts, so when my dad wanted to lose weight, or follow a sattvic lifestyle, they would try the gym or then kungfu or then taekwondo or bought this book on Hinduism or this book on Taoism. They weren’t perfect but I’m glad I adopted skills I now have the ability to TRANSFER to school now.
I was also upset as a kid that I wasn’t as popular because my parents weren’t very social. They were extremely socially CONFIDENT tho, and based there esteem in the non conventional which I am now slowly adopting at 22. So they often led the conversation even though they weren’t constant attendees and no one could tell them shit or make them feel bad or unintelligent or out of the loop. Or social norms like my mom didn’t shave but my dad did. Or my dad started getting some ingrown beard hairs so (prob wasn’t GOOD for his skin but… kinda a g for being this confident.) he would literally wear face makeup to our taekwondo classes, to even out his skin so HE would feel good in himself and he didn’t give a shit what they others thought cuz he was so confident in himself. Like if someone said something “are you wearing makeup?” He would say yeah I have a skin condition so I just want to cover it up. That’s IT. And he was still always the highest level black belt in the class @ 6th Dan which he knew he worked hard for and meant more to him then this one year he wore face makeup. Idol fr. My parents are Hindu Guyanese but also NEVER pressured me into a specific career, and because I had no idea about the conventions i not only was free and encouraged to do any degree I wanted “as long as I could handle it” but I also got to attend my dream art university AND get to do another degree after this, they never made me feel bad for wanting to explore life :)
This is absolutely what I need right now. I was 'that's it' successful doing my own business at the age of 23, only 1 year that I was like that, then Covid came. From 24-27 years old, I'm desperate. Even I work for the coolest company in the world right now, but the salary is only 850$ per month living in Thailand. Can't even live, no saving, can't sleep, bad skin, fat, depressed.
I can see that all my life I had super low self-esteem due to being bullied all my childhood. At the age of 23, I was so confident, my personality changed to the best, could make a lot of friends for the first time. I did really attached my value to my success.
"Your value doesn't necessarily have to do with the way that the world treats you"
this video helped me to realize the difference between conditional and unconditional love... heard it so many times before, but finally it clicked. very relieving :). cut yourself some slack dear tryhardoes ;D.
I'm currently the "gifted kid" that hasn't hit a wall yet (17yo), is something so weird to me because I know it will happen, but nothing else about it, not when, not how, not how I'll react, not even if it will be a big thing at all...
If it hasn’t happened yet, and you’re this aware of it, you might be able to avoid it all together. Only piece of advice I’m qualified to give is that inaction is a costly decision after high school, so keep moving forward
Wow... so much resonance with this one.
When I was a kid, my parents only really ever helped me with Math, mostly by teaching my more advanced math when I was bored. I ended up really sucking at math by High School. The irony is, my dad often just did my science projects for me, and I think erasing that tedium helped because Science is one of my best subjects of knowledge.
Wow. 4:45 hit me hard. I had to listen to it like 8 times so it would sink in.
Yeah, but I'm 38 and have no idea how to restart, or if I even started in the first place.
@24:05 "If people aren't hiring you, does this mean you are bad." Of course not. Unfortunately, it's who you know more than what you know. People are more willing to hire someone they know with no skills but can be taught than to trust a complete stranger who might be the most proficient in their field. Maybe the employer isn't looking for quality work, but cheap labour, and avoids skilled people in fear of having to pay them higher wages. It also comes down to what industry you're in, the volume of people looking for jobs in it, and how many jobs are actually available and aw crap Dr.K brings this up as I'm typing it out @26:00
The first time I went bankrupt I couldn't even afford to file. Just like I couldn't afford college because I had no one to cosign so I went to work study programs. I kept telling myself 'I have nothing left to lose, I have no burdens left'.
Yes I didn’t have to develop self-esteem because I felt like I already belong and have my place among people. When it all went down I fell apart as well. Almost
Hi. Old time luker here. I would like to give some suggestions: 1) get back on the writing train even if you aren't getting paid for it. A blog, or one time articles, or ghost writer, or write a book for yourself try sell it in Amazon. 2) taking on the gardening anology. You are going to have to adapt to a barren wasteland of your field. If that means changing what type of topics you want to write in or getting a teaching certificate or a certificate for writing legal contracts instead or articles. You need to expand the toolbox. 3) You decide if you are/want to be a writer, not the exterior world. Interior drivers should be stronger than exterior praise. Good luck in your self journey.
Wow. This advice actually hurts to hear, but man, this is so relevant to my own life.
This reminds me a lot of myself.
At 4-5 my parents thought I was a genius because I could configure the TV by myself, and was learning a second language really quickly. By 4th grade I've earned enough stipends for A+ grades to buy myself an expensive phone. Then it all went downhill. Even up to the moment I've graduated from uni, I was working overtime just to prove I'm special. Turns out, I'm not. I was just way ahead of lazy assholes who had everything handed to them by rich parents
damn cant imagine your story with that feeling of injustice on life overveiw prehaps?
Thank you
This could be my own story. Add in a witch hunt and people telling me I should commit suicide on social media because of things that were untrue. I’ve now finally started to rebuild and establish my own story of who I am. It’s not without an eminence amount of struggle, but it feels so much more grounded and that my identity isn’t dependent on what I do as a career.
On the idea of people pushing for an A or it's ok if you make an A or B, I suggest that making a B may even be the best option. As long as one is able to learn effectively from one's mistakes, one can learn faster compared with getting A's where one isn't pushed as hard. Of course, if one pushes hard to get an A, that is fine, as long as one is being challenged enough to get in that sweet flow state, not too easy, not too hard.
Finally a title I can't relate to!
Much love everyone
Gifted people's problem comes from their arrogance. Even if you're the best writer in your classroom... you're still only the best around other kids, who aren't professional. While trying to get a serious job, you need to be better than others who also want to become professional, and those people actually spend tons of time and effort into getting into it, while you're just gifted, so you deserve it. So arrogant to think you can do better things than others who spent years polishing their skills, just because of your past accomplishments.
And an extremely static view of their world. They haven't see the really, really gifted person living in one of the most 'gifted' location in the US such as Cambridge MS or Santa Barbara, CA yet. The truly gifted will scare the bejesus out of you, oh and on top of that, they all work 10 times as hard as you.
Oh man this sounds like a nightmare because it's relatable, I hope I don't end up like this
Dr k, I’m Justin and I have adhd whatever the hell that sense is your talking about I have it and i feel the need to reach out I have a gift I also recently realized and can now recognize nlp and I’m VERY CURIOUS ABOUT WHAT IVE SEEN IN YOUR EYES because it feels like I’m processing things so deeply all the time now
As long as I can feed myself, I am successful.
As long as I can survive, I am successful.
Oof another timely video from Dr. K! I was raised in a cult-esque church for the first ten years of my life. The adults around me hyped me up as the next Messiah (literally told me I would be the left hand of Christ). Falling off that pedestal was the first major blow to my confidence and the hits have just kept coming. I feel like I am both better than most other people and much much worse than I "should" be at the same damn time.
Dr., after decades of MDD etc/no functioning ...how does 1 answer to.
-How are you? & What have u been up2?
Many thanks in advance
Perfect timing.
what about the case for conditional love where the parent say the success is due to the parents but the failure is due to the child ?
This channel has gotta have the highest AOE healing on all of RUclips
Couldn't click SAVE fast enough on this one!