How To Spot the Red Flags (BEFORE It’s Too Late!)
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- Опубликовано: 28 сен 2024
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Developing self trust is so important. It's promising yourself that you will not ignore things just because you feel chemistry and are getting some of your needs met.
I personally think you repeat patterns when you don't give yourself time to work on yourself. Being able to be by yourself and be content is so important. Being able to go to the cinema on your own, eat at a restaurant on your own, having new hobbies etc creates your own comfort. So when you do meet someone they are an addition to your happiness not the reason for your happiness.
That way you don't put up with any nonsense and are more aware of how things make you feel which makes spotting red flags easier to understand.
I did a counselling course and the self reflection was a big part of the course. I never sat back and thought about my own feelings and reactions. It was an enlightening experience.
I met my partner after I took time out from dating, 6 years to be exact as I realised I was following the same patterns of behaviour.
I got help by going to counselling, went back to college got a new job, focused on my son and with being ok being alone. I realised how content I was. Remember happiness is a momentarily feeling that comes and goes while being content is the longer aim to be.
When I met my partner he blindsided me as I wasn't really looking for a relationship. With him it was natural and a bit weird at the same time as I wasn't used to not having conflict. 5 years now and the journey has been the best experience.
The main thing is that if our relationship didn't work out, yes I would be sad for a while but I know I would be ok on my own because I have done it. My life wouldn't fully change.
Still to this day I go on date nights by myself as I enjoy being on my own as well. My partner and I are a team and not dependant on each other for everything.
Yes, the same type of person is just around the corner if you haven;t done any inner work to reprogram your subconscious mind. Because consciously we don't want a bad partner, but subconcsious wins 10/10.
That sounds really lovely.
identifying them beforehand, when you aren't caught up in the love chemicals is invaluable
Listen this stuff is really hard. If you are seeing red flags and ignoring them, or explaining them away, thats actually a good sign. It means you have breached the first, and I'd argue hardest barrier, of recovery from toxic relationships - awareness of patterns. Now, the magnetic pull to red flags will persist, for sure it does, but I have a rule that I use - the ABCDEFGHI of attachment. How many of these does your other pass? Authenticity, Boundary acceptance and drowning, Compassion, Communication, Conflict resolution skills, Daily or Easy Contact, Emotional maturity and awareness, Feeling vulnerable, gratitude and growth mindset, honesty and integrity. You deserve a partner who ticks most, if not all, of those boxes. If they don't - maybe you don't either. Because why are you drawn to, and accepting, a lower denominator?
"Lower denominator" is interesting idea. I'd like more examples...
Probably because he's hot and the "Chemistry/swag" is so good that it overrides common sense. I have a gal pal constantly going through this, she's constantly harping on how "Chemistry/Swag/Attraction" is tops on the list.
Awareness is everything
I met a guy, he was finalizing a divorce of 27 years, so he had never truly been alone. Long story short. Not seeing him anymore however i should have said no from the get go cuz during our two months of dating, he kept saying i was superficial which is not the case. But as he exited my car from our last date, his words were i hope you find what you want, its certainty not me... i was huh? I wasnt even looking when i met him. He had strange quirks, there were parts of my life he didnt want here about, i just wish i had went with gut in the beginning, he jut got out of a 27 yr marriage, he is not ready, but now i am left dumbfounded
Exactly
I just went through the same thing. This guy was married for 25 years.
It’s been a disaster from the beginning
He wasn’t ever single before either !
I think he said the similar thing to me as well !
I told him right from the beginning he wasn’t ready for a relationship, but we were seeing each other off and on for a year and a half
It just broke me. He’s so toxic. !
I’m on a Mr.Hussy RUclips rabbit hole…haha, love this fella.
Red Flag few are talking about;
1. If a response to “Are you single?” is ANYTHING but “Yes”.
It means she is currently using a guy as a “temporary boyfriend” until someone better comes along.
BUT that way of being also infers that YOU will eventually be the boyfriend ditched for better options in the future.
= No trust from the jump.
*Also includes: Lack of compassion for the current man-toy bf she will hurt/ lack of Integrity/ disrespectful + disloyal behaviour.
I know this is triggering. Majority of ladies do this.
Talking all the time about themselves about what they have and how proud they are. Selfish attitudes.
Please watch and comment on the Barbie movie , especially Ken’s long-term long- distance low-commitment casual girlfriend. Every girl dreams to be able to live in a Mojo Dojio Casa House and serve beer to Ken. Meanwhile Ken doesn’t want to do any of the work to be in a relationship. Patriarchy sheesh….
Yeah,on spot👌👌👌
This makes me think because I ened up cutting myself off from people who were obviously red flags a good example is I was constantly spending time with this girl and we had history that was never resolved or talked about in any offical way and we were hanging out and were becoming drinking buddies( she was an alcoholic) for the record I am not one but was comfortable drinking around her and she was around me despite the fact I was crushing on her according to her boyfriend who was there too. Anyways looking back I feel like I obviously ignored the red flags that something was going to happen and it did I sent her a drunk text talking about how obvious it was I had crush on her while she was sitting next to her boyfriend needless to say I was told to never contact her again and that I had crossed the line which I agree I did but I wish had seen this coming which again looking back was something that was bound to happen sooner or later.
🧡
I’ve found the easiest way to spot red flags is when I have an emotional reaction, and then take the time to explore why I feel that way. Is it irrational to feel the way I am, or is it something i need to think about. I bounce it off my support network too. I try to make decisions from a place of what makes sense in serving the happier life I’ve been working hard towards.
You’ve got such a charming grin that indeed God gives you each chance to smile.
They all have red flags if you wait long enough …
Exactly..
I don’t think the point is to find somebody without red flags, because nobody will be perfect. It is the point I think to find someone with red flags you are able to tolerate and potentially work on together
@@Renske0987654321ja kleine red flags die niet echt red flags zijn. Mee eens .
Lol isn't that the truth but then so do we right.
@@jenm8550 after all this we also becomes a red flag ... In other way
The pattern I've noticed is I fell in love with my exes at my most vulnerable moments in my life. And they're also people I met online. The sense of gratitude I had from saving me when I felt so down, made me overlook how the relationship could possibly be dangerous. Even when I tried to be cautious on my second ex, it still went wrong because I wasn't in my right mind. I was too vulnerable, my heart was too open and we started unofficially dating after few weeks of chatting.
Please, say Audrey her hair is AWESOME
the reality is this the better looking/higher value the guy the more u will over look red flags
the lower value and worse looking a guy the more sensitive u will be to red flags
that guy dont massively fancy from the offset your looking for ways to disqualify him.
that tall handsome guy ur looking for ways to validate your gut attraction to him
I hope people understand that red flags aren’t always negative traits but more so indicators that this person is not a match.
This may sound trivial, but a big red flag for me is if he likes to text a lot, but won't ever call. Especially if I let him know I'm not much of a texter and prefer phone or video chat. This tells me 2 things: 1 he's not interested enough; he doesn't want to give me his undevided attention even if it's just a few min. 2 he doesn't care about pleasing me even over a simple little thing or care about making me comfortable. These guys NEVER work out.
Your paying to much attention to red flags. Everyone has red flags. No one is perfect
I hate phone calls and if a man insists on speaking majorly over the phone, I'm not gonna be interested. It's not a red flag, just a preference
Amanda, you have a great point. Texting only takes a minute or two, it's no commitment. Sounds like the guys that only want to text are not all that interested.
This is me now
I am great at spotting red flags now
Now. All i can see is red flags ... Their are no green flags
@@wonderwoman7292NOW this is a red flag 🤣 jk sister but fr it’s a lot lately 🥲
Being an empth it's an amazing quality, however we do get to overlook the fault in people.
I had so many red flags and I hate my myself for not leaving when I could. The abuse started pretty much straight away. Getting rid of all my friends. All my online accounts. Seeing family. Emotional abuse, bullying me. Calling me fat stupid worthless. Physical abuse…….. please ladies and gentlemen listen to those red flags from the start don’t end up like this. I’m now a empty shell too scared to do anything about it.
Remember, he has to reduce you because he was always batting! You have nothing to lose, if your still with him leave! You don’t need him, he has to abuse you to keep you! Be free.
I just love Audrey! She adds so much depth to these and is so beautiful!!
Love bomb! I have had 3 men try and it is such a huge red flag. Especially when some of their history doesn’t add up.
Also, it wasn’t shown to me when little what was normal and healthy and what wasn’t. Now I am seeing red flags everywhere since researching healthy boundaries and relationships
I can only tell you that I got exactly what I wanted. When I lost my husband and I would say I had a good marriage. I’d never dishonour him by saying negative things about him. I will say I know what I didn’t have and I know what I had. I decided I would not settle for what I didn’t want or settle thinking I couldn’t have what I wanted. I was really determined. I found exactly what I wanted and am being treated like I’m special. I’ve not settled thinking I couldn’t have it. It’s honestly out there. Just figure out what you want. You’re the only one who knows what that is.
Where did you meet your person?
@@kristenk708 on a dating site called “our time” for older people. I went through lots of conversations before I finally felt there was one I wanted to actually meet. I had a few bad experiences in so much as they got weird and I had to block them … and it scared me. But I understood that being afraid would put me in the wrong lane and I had not changed my mind about what I wanted. It’s very rewarding for me at my age to be experiencing this level of intensity and contentment. So … first, make the decision, know you can not be fulfilled if you settle for less then you know you need, and be open. There will be hurt but hurt is part of life and you’re getting stronger every day. It’s worth it.
Need to know what those red flags are in order to spot them. As at times red flags go on unnoticed without realizing they are red flags, it’s ignored and just gets worst. Once you identify them you can act on it and do what’s best for yourself ❤️
definitely... you will be more apt to notice them if you have them on your radar
“My ex still harasses me, and I don’t know what to do.”
“Everyone at my job is so immature and inappropriate - me included.”
“What’s your sign?”
“I don’t know if I want a relationship.”
[insert entire tragic life story on first date]
Dresses poorly for first date
“My relationships have always been abusive.”
My mixed feelings ultimately, and me immediately falling head over heels
' my ex was psycho' and sends picture of ex to me. With psycho underneath it written. Now that it's ended , i don't think he would speak kindly of me... 😢
Its impossible in this dating world of hook up culture
I wonder, where is the line between early red flag and nitpicking/flaw finding? I would argue we all have some sort of "red flags". Some of us are actively trying to work on ourselfs and improve. Hence, to me, the biggest red flag is lack of self awareness or willingness to accept both positive and negative feedback.
The only way to really determine wether somrome/something is healthy or not is to heal your own trauma. It doesn't only help you see clearly, but also enables you to set boundaries and trust your intuition.
With unhealed trauma, its like standing in a dark room trying to determine the color of the item your holding.
I think what happened in my case is more of I tend to know the red flags but tell myself that I have to ignore it if I want to choose to make the relationship work. And that lies a lot with keeping my boundaries safe which I did not whenever I step into any relationship. My friends and family might have dropped hints to me that my recent relationship aren't normal and some said it is too good to be true. And ends up a few months later, I really witnessed what my former partner's real motives were and that he used sympathy that he went through divorce and got cheated by his ex wife to win my trust in him so much that I let down my guards when my intention was all out to care for him. Few months later now.. I am stuck in the court claim when he is filing a protection order against me after cheating my money and when I wanted to end the abusive relationship. So ladies here, I hope you never need to go through what I did and one of the best lines that I ever heard is "if you ignore the red flags, you yourself become the red flag when you are the one grabbing on to it"
What is allowing the pattern to recur. Early on there was brief moments of dismissal , there was also a pattern of apologizing for not getting back to me, there was a pattern of unavailability. There was a pattern of better than sort of judgment posed as a joke … small moments of cruelty. Instead of kindness. Big stories about their past that pose as vulnerability. But looking back were stories in which they were very judgmental of others and they were faultless.
3:46 Steve’s joke! Oh, Jameson’s quick quip in response 3:53 is so good.
It’s the texting for me very present in texting and suddenly less and then come back and then disappeared….no call no other effort in communication even though I’ve required it. And then a bit of gashlight to make me swallow the pill
One red flag I always mis-gauge in the beginning is alcohol abuse versus alcohol consumption in relatively “healthy” or socially acceptable amounts (without clear evidence of alcoholic behavior). Like for example, the guy I have been talking to, in a situation-ship long distance since last May (a year ago) has memory problems; he’ll forget about something we did together, or act he has amnesia. I think he might be a functional alcoholic. It’s a red flag. Yet I am reluctant to judge him for it. Yet I do have a pattern of dating alcoholic men. He drinks a lot of Guinness (like more than 8 tall pints in a single night every Sat night.) He doesn’t drink at all during his work week then really goes overboard on the weekends. I have a hard time telling if that is a red flag 🚩
I met a guy, he was finalizing a divorce of 27 years, so he had never truly been alone. Long story short. Not seeing him anymore however i should have said no from the get go cuz during our two months of dating, he kept saying i was superficial which is not the case. But as he exited my car from our last date, his words were i hope you find what you want, its certainty not me... i was huh? I wasnt even looking when i met him. He had strange quirks, there were parts of my life he didnt want here about, i just wish i had went with gut in the beginning, he jut got out of a 27 yr marriage, he is not ready, but now i am left dumbfounded
When we wear rose-colored glasses, red flags just look like flags.
Openly sharing that pornography has been a large part of their lives since childhood...something most people would be ashamed of....that person will be emotionally unavailable. The hottest date in town ...but an avoidant. Last two romances. ..were identical. Just a different face and name...Although one was more empathic than the narcissist. One spoke highly of adult children/family..one didn't. Both only offered crumbs outside of the dates we shared.
When they stop caring to hear about your personal life and make it abundantly clear.
Right sis!
There is always a Red flag... you must just choose which Red flag you can bear.
Too loving and having big expectations in the beginning. Love bombing is a real thing and it's all to get u in and not see their true self
I notice that if someone does something unanticipated that sends my pulse racing (and not in a good way!) every time we meet, I need to put distance between me and that person.
Audrey you look gorgeous!!! 💜
It’d be good to talk about green flags too ❤
I ignored the fact that my now ex-husband had 3 divorces. He said all his ex wives were crazy and toxic. Should have known, he was the toxic one. I left and Im beyond happy.
When their communication is poor and they haven’t called or texted in days, it shows their interest went down.
If someone is interested they will keep in contact because they don’t want to lose you to someone else and if they don’t feel that way then move on.
When they have no empathy or no accountability for their actions, that’s an automatic red flag. Being with them will only cause drama and feeling frustrated.
When someone showed you who they are, believe them.
What if he is lying about his age because he wants to date younger women who can still give him kids or he says that he still looks young for his age? This man is 55 years old but his profile says 45. He only told me the truth after asking him after many hours of talking on the phone. What shall I do?
Please help me. I have broken marriage life now
Lol
Matthew, is Stephen single and still in the UK? Asking for a friend… 😊
Crying in a text which was "too cold", this happened 2times, after I asked why so emotional, he said, no he dont show his emotions.
What questions should I be asking in early dating?
Subconsciously vs unconsciously 😴💀😂
Very very important knowledge 👌
Loove
I have a genuine question here.Anyone here can let me know if they have experienced this or tell me what's up. Why would my ex send me flowers and tell me he just thought it's nice and not that he wants to be back with me. Then say he just wants to be friends. But he said he doesn't give his friends flowers but he did it cos it's me.
Yes I had this same dilemma 😢 wasnt flowers but um yes very confusing...part of me goes straight to wondering is it mind games for a bit of control keeping one foot in the door so to speak? trying to convince themselves ,you or others they are a nice guy? even though they have discarded you
Other part of me wonders if they genuinely are confused themselves, dont understand themselves or thier own boundries or what they want, want to keep you as an option if they feel like coming back later?
@livlop5832 @Watchout6239 breadcrumbing is manipulation tactic to make you think he still finds you attractive. It's deception. Conscious or subconscious. He keeps your energy focused on him. Wasting your time. You don't have to teach him respect... you are not his teacher nor experimental rat.
Possibly, he wants to try for no-strings-attached sex?
this could be mutiple things and it very much depends on the type of guy he is, who split up and the circumstances of the split...
for example if he cheated on u, its entirely possible he just feel sorry but doesn't want to get back just wants to do some things u like. a guy who generally a nice guy certainly would do that
if he's a player type then he may just enjoy have that element of control on your emotion especially if he split with u but sort of wants to dangle u along then disqualifh u by saying "just friends"
he could also actually want u back but doesn't want to push in too hard too early so hopes to hover around and hope u catch feelings again and then later down the line tell u he misses u
Believe it when a guy says he doesn’t want you back. He meant it, so absolutely give up hope and move on as quick as you can. If your find it confusing, tell him how you feel in brief sentences and ask for his respect to YOUR preferences, not his. He, if a normal person, will comply and stop sending flowers anymore.
Wonderful video. :)
The red flags you ignore will be the reasons you leave in the end.
Where are advice for women that really would work?
Like taking care of and doting on a man.
None, bar a completely messed up man would say no to that.
And these comments are super modded. Nothing even remotely critical of his advice or views stay in the comment fields, just so u know!!!