I find my over sharing and over explaining is my effort to defend myself before hand. To give people my version of things before they can misunderstanding me.
So yes! Because so used to having to defend self you just go into this pre-cover all aspects stance. I also find sometimes I over talk because I’m finally being heard. Some thing I am not accustomed to.
I didn’t even know oversharing and over explaining was a symptom of going through Narcissistic abise. I do both all the time. I went through both relationships full of lying, manipulation, gaslighting, and my parent never ever listened to me and also gaslit me all the time. When I explain things to someone, I’ll return to that person 2-3 more times in 20 minutes to explain what I just said, to then further clarify to make sure they don’t misunderstand me. Then I’ll walk away thinking they’re gonna misunderstand anyways. Then I always feel horrible when I over explain or over share something I think, or feel about anything. Thats probably why I never ever call in sick to work even if I’m extremely sick, I don’t wan’t to explain that I’m sick, then feel like I have to justify it by explaining that I never call in sick, and that I will only call in sick if I’m really sick. The cycle continues. Ex girlfriends would deliberately twist my words to justify a selfish position they were taking, she’d then go and deliberately take those twisted words to her family, weaponise them, convince people I said something I didn’t, or completely change the meaning of something by adding or subtracting a single word, then add in a false tone that wasn’t used. I’d then be forced to explain what I actually said to defend myself in such a way that those she lied to had the “uh huh” moment, she’d then pretend that she misunderstood what I said. So I find myself fighting to explain in depth to avoid being misunderstood, and being so clear that NO ONE can twist my words even by mistake
Totally understand because everything gets twisted and turned against you. So we over explain..... then we are belittled for being so sensitive and emotionally damaged. They don’t want to talk through anything.
I learned to just keep quiet when they never bothered to listen or when my over explaining turned too physical . I'm divorced for yrs now still deal with flashbacks
@@flowergarden-1 married 16 years but now separate houses. I’ve learned to keep the conversation brief. If it starts to get heated, I just stay calm and say something nice, as much as possible. If that doesn’t work…..Then I play the magician and just disappear for a few days. Then things are normal again. I’m one who likes to work things out but a woman usually views that as weak so now I do too
Yes. I have experienced this. The anxiety over the expectation of being cut off, mis-represented drives you to desperately handle every conceivable and inconceivable rebuttal before they come up. It makes you seem crazy as the narc sits back in front of others expressing co cern for you not knowing why you act that way. While the know they caused it and are using it against you and in favor of their false image. Despicable narc tactics!
@@etphonehome4511 I agree that they have no conscience. But I would say they are also victims of abuse in childhood so their soul needs rescuing. Unfortunately few of them will acknowledge their issues and seek help. But I don’t think they are inherently evil, just damaged. Hurt people hurt people.
"There was a punishment when you tried to hold on to your truth." That hit me hard. Whenever I was sick as a kid, my mother used to tell me I was faking to get out of school/chores/etc., so she would punish me by giving me even more housework (washing windows and scrubbing floors kind of stuff, not typical chores appropriate for little kids). It forced me to disconnect from my bodily sensations, because feeling sick would only lead to more yelling and more work, never the rest and care that my little body needed. Even on one occasion when I fainted and had to be rushed to the hospital, she accused me afterward of faking it when she got mad about the medical bill. How in the world is a kid supposed to learn to trust themselves when their parent accuses them of lying about being physically ill?
I’m so sorry this happened to you sister.. I pray you come to Jesus and find true peace, he shed his blood for you and promised you He would always tell you the truth.. the end days are here, so many can feel it.. I can feel the Holy Spirit with me now … Jesus loves you sister and so do I.
That happened to me too often. Even once I grew up if I was sick I would retreat or just carry on without them letting know. It felt like if I got sick it was in order to bother them. Of course, if they are sick I would have to take care of them and forget about everything else. I spent my whole life going to the doctor by myself because that way I would save myself from their drama and guilt tripping.
@@Lyrielonwind I'm sorry you went through that, and I hope you're now able to take care of yourself and get the support you need without any of that negative feedback. 💚💚💚
How sad!!! My Son says He’s sick when he’s actually sick and all I have him do is whatever he wants plays on his ipad mostly. He’s 7 so he now knows a fever means no school and he gets happy and I just laugh. It’s funny and cute.
I remember how I was talking to someone explaining and apologizing and their response was I understand, you don’t need to explain yourself. And I was stunned. It was a moment of realization, wow this is how it’s supposed to be. And it felt so good to know I’m free of the poison in my life.
i remember the sheer exhaustion of explaining myself, my decisions, my life-to my narc father. exhausting. and it conditioned me to ramble too much to others because that is how i thought people interact. and he took pleasure in making me feel misunderstood, just because i didn’t think or operate like him. i am filled with hatred for him. he only accepted happiness from me or my mother if he was the source of it. she noticed it when i was a teenager but now she won’t talk to me because i maintain that he is a narc and she doesn’t want to hear it. she is afraid of being destitute without him since they have a traditional relationship where she doesn’t work. i ended up burying my trauma with bulimia and he blamed me for that, saying i wanted attention. my therapist felt pity for me when she saw his behavior when he came to a session. she saw it all.
Beyond relieved to find this video. My over explaining has been one of my most disturbing trauma symptoms even with the layers of deep, complex and debilitating psychological and physical effects I now call life. It's absolutely insanity how long my texts, comments, emails, verbal conversations are and I spend hours and hours writing something that literally should take 10 seconds. I do it all day everyday and it's a real issue!
01:58 My sibling did that to me when we were little when he tried to convince me that I was wrong about something I knew I wasn’t. After a few minutes, I started to wonder if I had missed something.I remember that scene very vividly.
Exactly! Whenever I found myself going around in circles over and over again, I soon realised that when I was defending myself to her against her blatent lies. It became a case of me not proving to her that I was right because we both knew that I was right. It always became a case of how I could prove how she knew that she was lying, usually by me having to keep evidence that goes totally against her made up stories. This was over and over again everyday constantly defending myself against her own totally made up stories to justify not letting me see my child. funnily enough it always came out that the lies she was dragging me into about myself were all the things she became known to be guilty of. its all one big nightmare and I feel like it will never end! I only ever wasted my time arguing back because there were consequences for me caused by her lying. but whether I proved her wrong or not. the results were always the same. she got her own way through sheer manipulation.
Over explaining also occurs in autism. I've only been in one narcissistic relationship, which I'm still healing from, but I've always been an over sharer/explainer, simply because many people don't see the connections that I do.
I over-explaining and keep going to my narcissistic mother to check if she needs something and keeps informing her of what I have done, and what I will do. They really erase our power by never being satisfied with nothing we do. And they justify this behaviour by saying they are superior and that they are teaching you to be a good girl. My father falls into her traps too, wanting some reaffirmation because she manipulates him by never being happy with anything he does. I guess he uses alcohol to cope with a permanent unhappy person.
You are so right. It's something I have to think about all the time. I'm finding out that my whole family has gaslighted me for years and years. I go no contact with one and I find out the hard way that the next one is just the same. I'm about to go no contact with the next family member (sibling). First one was momster. I'm devastated. 💔
❤❤❤ I would even consider revolving completely around them, for them, even for decades, if it worked, but even that doesn't work, they're never ever satisfied or happy... That was the final reason I gave up on my narc(s). I love you!!! Thank you!!!!
Lately I stop and tell myself to experience the emotion just as it is, however negative it may be. To strengthen myself by getting more accustomed with being uncomfortable. They are only emotions and I’m actually safe. I’m in no danger. No fight or flight necessary. Just process and hold the emotion, name the emotion. It takes practice and courage to face this inner turmoil.
Wow! This explains why I feel so nervous & sick when I try to "keep it short & sweet" then everything bursts out of me & I'm over sharing again & embarrassed. I've noticed it's worse when I'm already nervous like social anxiety, someone I like, or job interview 🤣. Thank you for explaining this so well, I had no idea.
Everything Michele has ever conveyed, that applied to my past circumstances, has been 100 % on target. It is the break thru of the bubble of manipulation that life changing realizations are made. From there on out you will never be the same. You will be much, much better.
Never let a narcissist change the true definitions of words used or allow them to change the meaning of those words that are already given to us in a Dictionary . A Dictionary can hold the narcissist accountable to the words and meanings they use with Correctness . PS. Knowledge Is Power.
I have often had to explain the most simple statements to my cousin who has full NPD! Over and over. He just didn't want to understand. It took me many years to understand this disorder.
I'm gonna add this. I have been in the Thrivers School of Transformation for about 4 months. It is one of the best decisions I made on my healing journey. The people in the group are incredibly supportive! The lessons. Discussions and exercises are a whole new world of help, support, healing and realization above and beyond simy watching videos. I wondered if there was much value to joining while just watching videos. Then I joined and wondered why I waited so long! If you are on the fence, my humble, unsolicited recommendation is give it a try. You will be SO glad you did, same as me!
That was prob one of the biggest ones to finally die for me. I would often be trying to explain everything to the others around the narc...often to no avail. I already knew there was no point with trying to explain anything to the narc.
For me it was the constant intentional “misunderstanding” of what I was saying that led to the explaining and over sharing . Therefore I eventually developed the need to put everything I was saying into deep context and saying what needed to be said in three different ways to attempt to ward off misunderstanding. The result was annoyance because I talked too long and repeated myself too much and therefore it was impossible to understand anything I was saying because it’s impossible to listen to someone do that and still make no sense. As a result I began asking at the end of almost every point if what I just said made sense. And of course it was always… no, you are crazy. People think you are crazy when you talk and it’s embarrassing. Then eventually I just went silent. What was wanted in the first place 🙄 When we met he was drawn to me because people liked me and was drawn to me in social environments, I always was received favorably. He liked that. Within several years he completely erased how I interacted socially. Horrible to overcome the effects of what was done. I remember the before when I didn’t do that. Now I feel everyone avoids me because I have this need to explain and repeat. And they do . Residual damage. The relationship has been over for years but not the damage done.
Wonderful video!! I do find that the struggle to reclaim certain phrases is on going. Self care, being selfish, not giving in (aka: healthy boundaries)is difficult even when there is no pushback from others. Old coping skills can sometimes be (gaslighting self)harder than the narcissist in your life.
Some things are not worth fighting for, You can't fix a cheater, a psychopath, or a narcissist, it's as simple as you can't take blood from stone. these devices in people's hands have taken them away from real individuality, not until I got closure on my husband I was in the dark. We create our reality and the consciousness of the planet is accelerating. This means people have to become more aware of who they are. When one experiences abuse, you first become aware of the abuse, then realizing you are a victim, With healing and processing comes strong boundaries built by confidence in your worth. After this comes a realization that the experience made you stronger and more of who you are and that the narcissist was simply a vehicle for your growth. Ultimately you then realize we are all a creation of our energetic spiritual energy and the narcissist was and is a part of us. In the end, we become accepting of the experience and knowing we would never go back to the previous unawakened and unenlightened version of ourselves. It is not by any means an easy journey and is filled with pain especially when we incarnate into a family with a parent of such characteristics. There is a plan and it is ultimately to drive us. You would love an awakened version of you. My husband was a deceptive narcissist and sociopath, he would never apologize, I was always made to feel little on the inside, it was pure psychological warfare at its lowest, I suspected infidelity on his path, not until with the help of the developer of an app code name rat9 for accessing his device without having to physically touch it, with a functionality to view deleted chats and messages as well as call logs and in-app chats, I was completely in the dark. There was a Conversation I read on his Instagram Account where he did address me as 'beauty with no brains'. I'm finally going through a divorce with evidences too overwhelming. His device contained secrets that I could never have imagined. If in need of such help, write directly to the developer on email ' ethandavydova at gmail dot com '.
Do NPDs like easy targets or more resilient ones? Like if they’ve been doing this all their lives, do they ever get bored of the easy targets? I recently came up against a covert female narcissist. In retrospect, I can see how I was so easy for her. But then I fought back, and she collapsed. She basically did everything she could to severe the relationship as quickly as possible. This is to say, the first attack I didn’t see coming and got thrown to the mat. But the second attack I did see coming and threw her through the wall (figuratively speaking). Figuratively speaking, I continued to land solid punches. 👩🏼⚕️💥🥊 As it turned out, she miscalculated very badly. Had she gotten overconfident? When she defeated me in the first round, did she think I was like all those who came before me? Now she’s teetering. I’m in a position to completely dismantle her AND her flying monkeys. She’s trying to cover everything up. Everything is on fire now. 🔥 🏡 🚘 🔥 She’s in BIG trouble. That starts with T and ends with E and I’m talking about TROUBLE, right here in River City, my friends.
Man this information is amazing, its all like spot on, and super relatable, dealing with narcissistic abuse for years is not easy and it takes a serious toll
That's amazing! I've never ever heard anybody explain or even mention over explaining. I do that all the time from 30 years of being married to a narcissist.
I hate explaining anything, because I'm used to hearing 'that doesn't excuse' or 'that doesn't matter.' Jeez, if you aren't going to listen anyway, DON'T ASK!
Remember my ex saying I was selfish and didn't love her because I played soccer twice a week and not spending the time with her despite using 4 out 166 waking hours (yes explaining again) on my hobby and the rest on her. And I had to explain why I needed to go and that it didn't mean I loved her less. Everything is black and white. You go insane little by little by the manipulation and the gaslighting.
I challenged the wall wasn't yellow and I got infected by her anger problem. I explained past trauma. I've worked on for years. Not until I shared has it been a problem. My past is not my current problem. My current problem is from someone you loved , judicial system, religious institutions all aligned with narcissistism. Oh let's not forget the the field of psychological governed by the the real money maker our pharmaceutical industry. What a shit show.
Being autistic, with ADHD, CPTSD/Cushing’s Syndrome (amongst multiple other stress-disorders) and growing up in a family with diagnosed NPD (only grandmother was diagnosed, though - mother was FAR more cruel) - the over explaining and difficulty to not do so, has been a life-long frustration and root of shame. Thankfully, after shifting my diet and cutting out refined sugar and seed oils, as well as practicing cognitive behavioral therapy - I have noticed a HUGE improvement, in such.
It's like this, "oh no! That doesn't sound right, omg they're going to think this - or that, I totally messed everything up and I need to fix it....!!!" Continue talking to justify and explain...omg, is so depressing and frantic when it happens... But if you say little - they expect more!! Luv this topic, your info is SPOT ON, thank you!!! ❤️
Im all not listening the first time because I was busy thinking of an explanation to comment. Its a funny experience to see that. I wonder how much of my listening is jeopardized like that. Like boredom is kind of like. A similar explanation creation. And I tend to pick this dialog consistent with pessimism a lame boss would use or someone who riles them self up. Just endless awful details to burn you out. Or me. But well rested. A cup of coffee. Thinking clear. And that desire to explain kind of goes away or its just focused on things that keep me optimistic and happy.
I so much suffer from this. I work in phisio therapy, and i see the abuse people go through for example phisically... And i have the feeling to talk for talking, to just be wasting my time trying to explain this and that... So this video clarifies it is also a consequence of the narc abuse... Thanks!
Thank you because it seems like over expressing and over explaining myself has been a defensive mechanism I can’t seem to not know how to stop doing and I feel psychotic and crazy 😢
I have stopped apologizing and the narc set ne up so ially to look badly to a older group of people where I live. I have been attacked and my life stopped for them. Then they took ogf.still posture I blocked them out for good.silent treatment for over 27 years she sectioned me refused to discus life
ive run into people that exhibit almost every other trait except they can let you go. i just call them idiots who can't self reflect. I think its probably the lowest form a narc can be. Not to the point of maliciousnesss or doing it to make you crazy or to manipulate but just narc enough to be too into their own head where they cant see anything beyond their own perception. I ran into someone like this where everything was the same as listed. Drove me nuts but when i finally had enough arguing over what the truth clearly was and said i was done they let me go and never tried to reel me back in. so i think it was just a person who just couldnt see my side of things. probably the best case scenario you could hope for. the lowest of the low narc. self obsessed and no self reflection but not evil people.
"there was a punishment where you tried to hold onto your truth" fax 💀 they give the harshest punishment for the smallest things. They're overly dramatic protective freaks. There was a time I held onto the truth my mom shoved a toy in my mouth and beat my ass with her evil smile and said i deserve more of it. When people say, "you don't deserve to go through that" it gives me chills because i was told i deserve pain my whole life so i feel like i deserve nothing else but pain and I'm a worthless piece of shit
For years, I felt like I needed to spend weeks researching and preparing a case like a lawyer for anything I needed to speak up about with my wife. I would print out references and make actual outlines to keep the conversation on topic because I would bring something up and she would take the conversation in so many wild directions and would make me feel like I was being overly sensitive. I would plan out conversation stoppers and how to respond. I would do all this work only to have her say I was being abusive by trying to dominate her and "make her think she is crazy." Today is day 48 being separated from my wife because she almost talked me into killing myself. My nervous system is shot. I am so confused. I have extreme brain fog. She has convinced so many of my friends that I was the abuser so now I am alone. She made sure that everything we owned was in her name so I dont own anything. I am completely starting my life over. I am sad and cry uncontrollably many times a week.
Mam My Girlfriend Aged 20 Years Is Talking Too Much To Me When I Am Available Physically With Her.Afte That When I Call Her She Is Telling "I Need Space I Have To Enjoy.I Have Already Told You" When I Am In College You Don't Message Me ".And After That I Am Asking Why Are You Behaving Like This ?? Then She is Blocking Me.... This Is Repeated 3 Times Till Now.I Am Feeling Very Stressfull And Depressed.She Doesn't Given 5min Time To Me In A Day.I Felt Aggressive And Insecure And Scolded Her.What Is The Signs Of Her Behavior?Are These Mind Games? Problem Is Mine Or Her ? I am Feeling I Am The Nac
Everyone has a recording device, would it be to much to ask to hear a narcissist in action ? All the 1000s of people talking about narcissist people, why do we never hear recorded dialogue of this narcissist interaction ?
There are quite a few on RUclips if you look. I have my own recordings but not about to share them as not legal to record without permission where I am from and it’s not admissible either. If you look for them they are out there. Just search narcissist rage caught on camera and you will find a few
Please explain, why over explaining, is even an issue.. cause it's not NPD. It comes from childhood also. Like, walking around as if all is well, while at night, you got some man's privates, in your mouth.. pretending like life is normal. I am so tired of it being blamed on NPD. When people put their heads in the sand about, the cruelty of others... I am so over it.
Thank you, Michele. This video is so validating about the cause of why I’ve been doing that for my whole life. Only in my past (failed) narc dating relationship did I realize it because he said something like “why do you overshare or explain so much” which at the time felt hurtful but in hindsight and upon reflection, he was right. It wasn’t until after I permanently ended that manipulation-ship w/ him that I started healing and looking at why I’d attracted & accepted such an unhealthy, unloving dating partner into my life. It was my inner child seeking to heal the wounds from my own narc mother and a lifetime of invalidation, gaslighting, and unseen (non-physical) mental + emotional abuse growing up with her as a parent, not to mention my codependent, enabling father who caved to her every whim and demand, although of course it was never enough and she is/was permanently unsatisfied not just with him and others but mainly her own self that she has never been able to accept/love/forgive due to her own unprocessed childhood trauma wounds. Whew! You’re doing life-changing work. Thank you, and God Bless You. ✨🙏🏽🫀
A narcissist tries to destroy your life with lies because theirs can be destroyed with the truth🙏
Amen
( TRUTHFUL )
THE
SWORD
Of
TRUTH
Facts.
I screen shot that and must memorize
Thank you for your insight. I totally agree with this. The truth would have put my parents behind bars but this never happened..
I find my over sharing and over explaining is my effort to defend myself before hand. To give people my version of things before they can misunderstanding me.
Yes. Over explaining can be a habit, that comes from being around people who deliberately misunderstand you, or don't bother to try to understand you.
@@cathymars23 well put. My mom deliberated acted like nothing I said made sense …even if I was well spoken
So yes! Because so used to having to defend self you just go into this pre-cover all aspects stance. I also find sometimes I over talk because I’m finally being heard. Some thing I am not accustomed to.
Stop doing that
I didn’t even know oversharing and over explaining was a symptom of going through Narcissistic abise. I do both all the time. I went through both relationships full of lying, manipulation, gaslighting, and my parent never ever listened to me and also gaslit me all the time.
When I explain things to someone, I’ll return to that person 2-3 more times in 20 minutes to explain what I just said, to then further clarify to make sure they don’t misunderstand me. Then I’ll walk away thinking they’re gonna misunderstand anyways. Then I always feel horrible when I over explain or over share something I think, or feel about anything. Thats probably why I never ever call in sick to work even if I’m extremely sick, I don’t wan’t to explain that I’m sick, then feel like I have to justify it by explaining that I never call in sick, and that I will only call in sick if I’m really sick. The cycle continues.
Ex girlfriends would deliberately twist my words to justify a selfish position they were taking, she’d then go and deliberately take those twisted words to her family, weaponise them, convince people I said something I didn’t, or completely change the meaning of something by adding or subtracting a single word, then add in a false tone that wasn’t used. I’d then be forced to explain what I actually said to defend myself in such a way that those she lied to had the “uh huh” moment, she’d then pretend that she misunderstood what I said.
So I find myself fighting to explain in depth to avoid being misunderstood, and being so clear that NO ONE can twist my words even by mistake
I have to remember, “No” is a complete sentence. I just need to say no and then be quite! It is so difficult. Just say no.
They try to make you feel selfish because they're the selfish ones.
Totally understand because everything gets twisted and turned against you.
So we over explain..... then we are belittled for being so sensitive and emotionally damaged. They don’t want to talk through anything.
Or "chewing their ear off" for a whole 2 minutes.
@@brooke5395 I know it. We look crazy because they literally made us that way.
Those days are over for me. At least I sure hope so
@@brooke5395 two minutes, yes, and then later, they accuse you of being in their face for hours 🙄 it's infuriating
I learned to just keep quiet when they never bothered to listen or when my over explaining turned too physical .
I'm divorced for yrs now still deal with flashbacks
@@flowergarden-1 married 16 years but now separate houses. I’ve learned to keep the conversation brief. If it starts to get heated, I just stay calm and say something nice, as much as possible. If that doesn’t work…..Then I play the magician and just disappear for a few days. Then things are normal again. I’m one who likes to work things out but a woman usually views that as weak so now I do too
Up until I got therapy I thought something was wrong with me. I apologize to myself everyday for feeling guilt and shame that’s not mine to carry .
"Tone" can imply accusations of guilt.
They always say non-toxic words in a very toxic tone. Exactly!
Yes. I have experienced this. The anxiety over the expectation of being cut off, mis-represented drives you to desperately handle every conceivable and inconceivable rebuttal before they come up. It makes you seem crazy as the narc sits back in front of others expressing co cern for you not knowing why you act that way. While the know they caused it and are using it against you and in favor of their false image. Despicable narc tactics!
Yes, anxiety. Because we are not as cold hearted as they are. It's easy for them to lie and manipulate. No wonder it creates anxiety.
@@michaelsheely2917 it's easy for them to lie and manipulate because they have no soul or conscience.
@@etphonehome4511 I agree that they have no conscience. But I would say they are also victims of abuse in childhood so their soul needs rescuing. Unfortunately few of them will acknowledge their issues and seek help. But I don’t think they are inherently evil, just damaged. Hurt people hurt people.
"There was a punishment when you tried to hold on to your truth." That hit me hard. Whenever I was sick as a kid, my mother used to tell me I was faking to get out of school/chores/etc., so she would punish me by giving me even more housework (washing windows and scrubbing floors kind of stuff, not typical chores appropriate for little kids). It forced me to disconnect from my bodily sensations, because feeling sick would only lead to more yelling and more work, never the rest and care that my little body needed. Even on one occasion when I fainted and had to be rushed to the hospital, she accused me afterward of faking it when she got mad about the medical bill. How in the world is a kid supposed to learn to trust themselves when their parent accuses them of lying about being physically ill?
I’m so sorry this happened to you sister.. I pray you come to Jesus and find true peace, he shed his blood for you and promised you He would always tell you the truth.. the end days are here, so many can feel it.. I can feel the Holy Spirit with me now … Jesus loves you sister and so do I.
That happened to me too often. Even once I grew up if I was sick I would retreat or just carry on without them letting know. It felt like if I got sick it was in order to bother them. Of course, if they are sick I would have to take care of them and forget about everything else. I spent my whole life going to the doctor by myself because that way I would save myself from their drama and guilt tripping.
@@Lyrielonwind I'm sorry you went through that, and I hope you're now able to take care of yourself and get the support you need without any of that negative feedback. 💚💚💚
How sad!!! My Son says He’s sick when he’s actually sick and all I have him do is whatever he wants plays on his ipad mostly. He’s 7 so he now knows a fever means no school and he gets happy and I just laugh. It’s funny and cute.
❤❤❤❤❤😢
After a while it became completely futile trying to explain anything, especially when she became more aggressive as she realised I was onto her.
I remember how I was talking to someone explaining and apologizing and their response was I understand, you don’t need to explain yourself. And I was stunned. It was a moment of realization, wow this is how it’s supposed to be. And it felt so good to know I’m free of the poison in my life.
I used to do this and yes it is HARD to stop. I developed the mantra EXPLAINING YOURSELF IS ABUSE. Re-abusing really.
11:20
This is something I struggle with
My sister say it’s all about you when I call her out on abuse. It shuts me right up, I feel guilty.
You look younger and younger every time. You look great and yes, I used to over explain. Less is more less is more I finally learned. 😊
Bravo! As a chronic oveexplainer who remembers the endlessly inane and insane conversations I had with both parents I applaud your efforts to help us
i remember the sheer exhaustion of explaining myself, my decisions, my life-to my narc father. exhausting. and it conditioned me to ramble too much to others because that is how i thought people interact. and he took pleasure in making me feel misunderstood, just because i didn’t think or operate like him. i am filled with hatred for him. he only accepted happiness from me or my mother if he was the source of it. she noticed it when i was a teenager but now she won’t talk to me because i maintain that he is a narc and she doesn’t want to hear it. she is afraid of being destitute without him since they have a traditional relationship where she doesn’t work. i ended up burying my trauma with bulimia and he blamed me for that, saying i wanted attention. my therapist felt pity for me when she saw his behavior when he came to a session. she saw it all.
Good for you, I am so sorry you were treated this way. It also sounds like your parents are in a codependent relationship
Beyond relieved to find this video. My over explaining has been one of my most disturbing trauma symptoms even with the layers of deep, complex and debilitating psychological and physical effects I now call life. It's absolutely insanity how long my texts, comments, emails, verbal conversations are and I spend hours and hours writing something that literally should take 10 seconds. I do it all day everyday and it's a real issue!
I did good in my comment didn't i😊
01:58 My sibling did that to me when we were little when he tried to convince me that I was wrong about something I knew I wasn’t. After a few minutes, I started to wonder if I had missed something.I remember that scene very vividly.
Exactly! Whenever I found myself going around in circles over and over again, I soon realised that when I was defending myself to her against her blatent lies. It became a case of me not proving to her that I was right because we both knew that I was right. It always became a case of how I could prove how she knew that she was lying, usually by me having to keep evidence that goes totally against her made up stories.
This was over and over again everyday constantly defending myself against her own totally made up stories to justify not letting me see my child. funnily enough it always came out that the lies she was dragging me into about myself were all the things she became known to be guilty of. its all one big nightmare and I feel like it will never end!
I only ever wasted my time arguing back because there were consequences for me caused by her lying. but whether I proved her wrong or not. the results were always the same. she got her own way through sheer manipulation.
Over explaining also occurs in autism. I've only been in one narcissistic relationship, which I'm still healing from, but I've always been an over sharer/explainer, simply because many people don't see the connections that I do.
I over-explaining and keep going to my narcissistic mother to check if she needs something and keeps informing her of what I have done, and what I will do. They really erase our power by never being satisfied with nothing we do. And they justify this behaviour by saying they are superior and that they are teaching you to be a good girl. My father falls into her traps too, wanting some reaffirmation because she manipulates him by never being happy with anything he does. I guess he uses alcohol to cope with a permanent unhappy person.
it's a result of having little to no privacy as well as myriad other abuses.
You are so right. It's something I have to think about all the time. I'm finding out that my whole family has gaslighted me for years and years. I go no contact with one and I find out the hard way that the next one is just the same. I'm about to go no contact with the next family member (sibling). First one was momster. I'm devastated. 💔
❤❤❤ I would even consider revolving completely around them, for them, even for decades, if it worked, but even that doesn't work, they're never ever satisfied or happy... That was the final reason I gave up on my narc(s). I love you!!! Thank you!!!!
Lately I stop and tell myself to experience the emotion just as it is, however negative it may be. To strengthen myself by getting more accustomed with being uncomfortable. They are only emotions and I’m actually safe. I’m in no danger. No fight or flight necessary. Just process and hold the emotion, name the emotion. It takes practice and courage to face this inner turmoil.
Wow! This explains why I feel so nervous & sick when I try to "keep it short & sweet" then everything bursts out of me & I'm over sharing again & embarrassed. I've noticed it's worse when I'm already nervous like social anxiety, someone I like, or job interview 🤣. Thank you for explaining this so well, I had no idea.
Rule #1 dealing w/narcissists: Every accusation is a confession.
Everything Michele has ever conveyed, that applied to my past circumstances, has been 100 % on target. It is the break thru of the bubble of manipulation that life changing realizations are made. From there on out you will never be the same. You will be much, much better.
Never let a narcissist change the true definitions of words used or allow them to change the meaning of those words that are already given to us in a Dictionary . A Dictionary can hold the narcissist accountable to the words and meanings they use with Correctness .
PS.
Knowledge
Is
Power.
I have often had to explain the most simple statements to my cousin who has full NPD! Over and over. He just didn't want to understand. It took me many years to understand this disorder.
I'm gonna add this. I have been in the Thrivers School of Transformation for about 4 months. It is one of the best decisions I made on my healing journey. The people in the group are incredibly supportive! The lessons. Discussions and exercises are a whole new world of help, support, healing and realization above and beyond simy watching videos. I wondered if there was much value to joining while just watching videos. Then I joined and wondered why I waited so long! If you are on the fence, my humble, unsolicited recommendation is give it a try. You will be SO glad you did, same as me!
Yes!! It's a compulsion I fight, EVERY interaction I have.
My parents ruined my life by doing this to me. I'm always defending myself.
That was prob one of the biggest ones to finally die for me. I would often be trying to explain everything to the others around the narc...often to no avail. I already knew there was no point with trying to explain anything to the narc.
For me it was the constant intentional “misunderstanding” of what I was saying that led to the explaining and over sharing .
Therefore I eventually developed the need to put everything I was saying into deep context and saying what needed to be said in three different ways to attempt to ward off misunderstanding.
The result was annoyance because I talked too long and repeated myself too much and therefore it was impossible to understand anything I was saying because it’s impossible to listen to someone do that and still make no sense.
As a result I began asking at the end of almost every point if what I just said made sense. And of course it was always… no, you are crazy. People think you are crazy when you talk and it’s embarrassing.
Then eventually I just went silent. What was wanted in the first place 🙄
When we met he was drawn to me because people liked me and was drawn to me in social environments, I always was received favorably. He liked that. Within several years he completely erased how I interacted socially.
Horrible to overcome the effects of what was done. I remember the before when I didn’t do that. Now I feel everyone avoids me because I have this need to explain and repeat. And they do .
Residual damage. The relationship has been over for years but not the damage done.
🙏
Wonderful video!! I do find that the struggle to reclaim certain phrases is on going. Self care, being selfish, not giving in (aka: healthy boundaries)is difficult even when there is no pushback from others. Old coping skills can sometimes be (gaslighting self)harder than the narcissist in your life.
Thank you for your life-saving advice and support. Your work is invaluable.
Thank you Michele I needed this.
Michele thank you so much for your kind and gentle nature, and explanation of these atrocities..you are amazing❤
Some things are not worth fighting for, You can't fix a cheater, a psychopath, or a narcissist, it's as simple as you can't take blood from stone. these devices in people's hands have taken them away from real individuality, not until I got closure on my husband I was in the dark. We create our reality and the consciousness of the planet is accelerating. This means people have to become more aware of who they are. When one experiences abuse, you first become aware of the abuse, then realizing you are a victim, With healing and processing comes strong boundaries built by confidence in your worth.
After this comes a realization that the experience made you stronger and more of who you are and that the narcissist was simply a vehicle for your growth. Ultimately you then realize we are all a creation of our energetic spiritual energy and the narcissist was and is a part of us. In the end, we become accepting of the experience and knowing we would never go back to the previous unawakened and unenlightened version of ourselves. It is not by any means an easy journey and is filled with pain especially when we incarnate into a family with a parent of such characteristics. There is a plan and it is ultimately to drive us. You would love an awakened version of you.
My husband was a deceptive narcissist and sociopath, he would never apologize, I was always made to feel little on the inside, it was pure psychological warfare at its lowest, I suspected infidelity on his path, not until with the help of the developer of an app code name rat9 for accessing his device without having to physically touch it, with a functionality to view deleted chats and messages as well as call logs and in-app chats, I was completely in the dark. There was a Conversation I read on his Instagram Account where he did address me as 'beauty with no brains'. I'm finally going through a divorce with evidences too overwhelming. His device contained secrets that I could never have imagined. If in need of such help, write directly to the developer on email ' ethandavydova at gmail dot com '.
Do NPDs like easy targets or more resilient ones? Like if they’ve been doing this all their lives, do they ever get bored of the easy targets?
I recently came up against a covert female narcissist. In retrospect, I can see how I was so easy for her. But then I fought back, and she collapsed. She basically did everything she could to severe the relationship as quickly as possible.
This is to say, the first attack I didn’t see coming and got thrown to the mat.
But the second attack I did see coming and threw her through the wall (figuratively speaking).
Figuratively speaking, I continued to land solid punches. 👩🏼⚕️💥🥊
As it turned out, she miscalculated very badly. Had she gotten overconfident? When she defeated me in the first round, did she think I was like all those who came before me?
Now she’s teetering.
I’m in a position to completely dismantle her AND her flying monkeys. She’s trying to cover everything up. Everything is on fire now.
🔥 🏡 🚘 🔥
She’s in BIG trouble. That starts with T and ends with E and I’m talking about TROUBLE, right here in River City, my friends.
Feeling so greatly appreciative of your content right now. ❤️
Man this information is amazing, its all like spot on, and super relatable, dealing with narcissistic abuse for years is not easy and it takes a serious toll
That's amazing! I've never ever heard anybody explain or even mention over explaining. I do that all the time from 30 years of being married to a narcissist.
Thank you Michele. You do a fantastic job of explaining what we were taught not to have words for.
God I never realized why I did this. Thank you so much for this information. Iv'e always felt so confused and I just couldn't figure out why.
I hate explaining anything, because I'm used to hearing 'that doesn't excuse' or 'that doesn't matter.' Jeez, if you aren't going to listen anyway, DON'T ASK!
Remember my ex saying I was selfish and didn't love her because I played soccer twice a week and not spending the time with her despite using 4 out 166 waking hours (yes explaining again) on my hobby and the rest on her. And I had to explain why I needed to go and that it didn't mean I loved her less. Everything is black and white. You go insane little by little by the manipulation and the gaslighting.
Thank you sharing it makes more sense why we overshare or over explain
I challenged the wall wasn't yellow and I got infected by her anger problem.
I explained past trauma. I've worked on for years. Not until I shared has it been a problem.
My past is not my current problem.
My current problem is from someone you loved , judicial system, religious institutions all aligned with narcissistism. Oh let's not forget the the field of psychological governed by the the real money maker our pharmaceutical industry.
What a shit show.
Being autistic, with ADHD, CPTSD/Cushing’s Syndrome (amongst multiple other stress-disorders) and growing up in a family with diagnosed NPD (only grandmother was diagnosed, though - mother was FAR more cruel) - the over explaining and difficulty to not do so, has been a life-long frustration and root of shame.
Thankfully, after shifting my diet and cutting out refined sugar and seed oils, as well as practicing cognitive behavioral therapy - I have noticed a HUGE improvement, in such.
Hi Michelle. Love your instructional take on Narcissism. Where did you learn all you know?
Thanx a lot michelle for sharing your insights.. being a abuse victim it is totally relatable.. you are doing great work.. God bless you❤
It's like this, "oh no! That doesn't sound right, omg they're going to think this - or that, I totally messed everything up and I need to fix it....!!!" Continue talking to justify and explain...omg, is so depressing and frantic when it happens... But if you say little - they expect more!! Luv this topic, your info is SPOT ON, thank you!!! ❤️
Im all not listening the first time because I was busy thinking of an explanation to comment.
Its a funny experience to see that. I wonder how much of my listening is jeopardized like that. Like boredom is kind of like. A similar explanation creation.
And I tend to pick this dialog consistent with pessimism a lame boss would use or someone who riles them self up. Just endless awful details to burn you out. Or me.
But well rested. A cup of coffee. Thinking clear. And that desire to explain kind of goes away or its just focused on things that keep me optimistic and happy.
People often see iversharing but never have idea of whats going on. I might die soon but hope u carry on with your work
Damn! This hit hard!!
I so much suffer from this. I work in phisio therapy, and i see the abuse people go through for example phisically... And i have the feeling to talk for talking, to just be wasting my time trying to explain this and that... So this video clarifies it is also a consequence of the narc abuse... Thanks!
Thank you because it seems like over expressing and over explaining myself has been a defensive mechanism I can’t seem to not know how to stop doing and I feel psychotic and crazy 😢
I'm a patient person. After a while I didn't except her insecurities and manipulation. She left me for a rebound guy. I got back my A game
Thank you again for your RUclips channel. Its so helpful. Godless Michele
Thank you for this video. This was very helpful.
Narcissist make you dig your own grave, lay in there, and cover yourself alone with dirt.
I have stopped apologizing and the narc set ne up so ially to look badly to a older group of people where I live. I have been attacked and my life stopped for them. Then they took ogf.still posture I blocked them out for good.silent treatment for over 27 years she sectioned me refused to discus life
ive run into people that exhibit almost every other trait except they can let you go. i just call them idiots who can't self reflect. I think its probably the lowest form a narc can be. Not to the point of maliciousnesss or doing it to make you crazy or to manipulate but just narc enough to be too into their own head where they cant see anything beyond their own perception. I ran into someone like this where everything was the same as listed. Drove me nuts but when i finally had enough arguing over what the truth clearly was and said i was done they let me go and never tried to reel me back in. so i think it was just a person who just couldnt see my side of things.
probably the best case scenario you could hope for. the lowest of the low narc. self obsessed and no self reflection but not evil people.
Seems that’s exactly what AH is doing right now
Gosh Michelle is gorgeous!
"there was a punishment where you tried to hold onto your truth" fax 💀 they give the harshest punishment for the smallest things. They're overly dramatic protective freaks. There was a time I held onto the truth my mom shoved a toy in my mouth and beat my ass with her evil smile and said i deserve more of it. When people say, "you don't deserve to go through that" it gives me chills because i was told i deserve pain my whole life so i feel like i deserve nothing else but pain and I'm a worthless piece of shit
Thank you Michele for helping me although I wish you would respond back to me as I was one of your students
om gosh! you get me!!!!!😁
What would you create in regards to a narcissist who projects their perspective on to their target?
Met one yrs ago think i met another things are Changing slowly yes boiling the frog 🐸 slowly
How do I join your weekly meeting?
Just say No
Zero justification or explanation
For years, I felt like I needed to spend weeks researching and preparing a case like a lawyer for anything I needed to speak up about with my wife. I would print out references and make actual outlines to keep the conversation on topic because I would bring something up and she would take the conversation in so many wild directions and would make me feel like I was being overly sensitive. I would plan out conversation stoppers and how to respond. I would do all this work only to have her say I was being abusive by trying to dominate her and "make her think she is crazy." Today is day 48 being separated from my wife because she almost talked me into killing myself. My nervous system is shot. I am so confused. I have extreme brain fog. She has convinced so many of my friends that I was the abuser so now I am alone. She made sure that everything we owned was in her name so I dont own anything. I am completely starting my life over. I am sad and cry uncontrollably many times a week.
That’s some shit, buddy. I’m sorry.
Mam My Girlfriend Aged 20 Years Is Talking Too Much To Me When I Am Available Physically With Her.Afte That When I Call Her She Is Telling "I Need Space I Have To Enjoy.I Have Already Told You" When I Am In College You Don't Message Me ".And After That I Am Asking Why Are You Behaving Like This ?? Then She is Blocking Me.... This Is Repeated 3 Times Till Now.I Am Feeling Very Stressfull And Depressed.She Doesn't Given 5min Time To Me In A Day.I Felt Aggressive And Insecure And Scolded Her.What Is The Signs Of Her Behavior?Are These Mind Games? Problem Is Mine Or Her ? I am Feeling I Am The Nac
Hi Michelle. Is there a website to or related to your channel?
My website is www.micheleleenieves.com
4:00
Wow
We need a word. Like mansplaining.
Narsplaining? Lol
I may need to copywrite that!!
♥️
❤🙏🏿❤
Everyone has a recording device, would it be to much to ask to hear a narcissist in action ? All the 1000s of people talking about narcissist people, why do we never hear recorded dialogue of this narcissist interaction ?
There are quite a few on RUclips if you look. I have my own recordings but not about to share them as not legal to record without permission where I am from and it’s not admissible either. If you look for them they are out there. Just search narcissist rage caught on camera and you will find a few
Please explain, why over explaining, is even an issue.. cause it's not NPD. It comes from childhood also. Like, walking around as if all is well, while at night, you got some man's privates, in your mouth.. pretending like life is normal. I am so tired of it being blamed on NPD. When people put their heads in the sand about, the cruelty of others... I am so over it.
😍😍😍😍😍
Thank you, Michele. This video is so validating about the cause of why I’ve been doing that for my whole life.
Only in my past (failed) narc dating relationship did I realize it because he said something like “why do you overshare or explain so much” which at the time felt hurtful but in hindsight and upon reflection, he was right.
It wasn’t until after I permanently ended that manipulation-ship w/ him that I started healing and looking at why I’d attracted & accepted such an unhealthy, unloving dating partner into my life. It was my inner child seeking to heal the wounds from my own narc mother and a lifetime of invalidation, gaslighting, and unseen (non-physical) mental + emotional abuse growing up with her as a parent, not to mention my codependent, enabling father who caved to her every whim and demand, although of course it was never enough and she is/was permanently unsatisfied not just with him and others but mainly her own self that she has never been able to accept/love/forgive due to her own unprocessed childhood trauma wounds.
Whew! You’re doing life-changing work.
Thank you, and God Bless You. ✨🙏🏽🫀
❤