The surprising stigma of sobriety | Gill McKay | TEDxUniversityofEdinburgh
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- Опубликовано: 3 янв 2024
- Stigmas are silencing, and lead us to disconnection from ourselves and others.
Gill was shocked when she became alcohol-free that, in moving away from the stigma of over-drinking, she immediately entered a world of stigma about sobriety. Unintentionally, we perpetuate stigmas with our behaviours, yet all around us, loved ones, friends, family and colleagues may be struggling and suffering in silence.
It’s time to stop the silence. It matters to talk about stigma to give everyone a voice, to feel witnessed and realise that we have choices to change their lives for the better. Human connection matters even more in the ever-changing world of tomorrow.
Gill McKay runs Inquisitive Coaching helping professional, mid-life women to break free from the hold of alcohol and start living a life on their own terms - a life they don’t want to escape from. With a background in neuroscience, Gill is also a mental health first aider and best-selling author of 'STUCK: Brain Smart Insights for Coaches'. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx
Sadly so true. I lost some friends, and some family members stopped talking to me, when I went sober, without me saying a judgemental or pious word. People need to accept that "no thank you" is a complete sentence. My parents spent twenty years trying to convince me to resume drinking, even after they'd seen friends and relatives die from alcoholism. I'd never try and make someone else give up alcohol, so why do people try and push alcohol on others?
Misery loves company.
“NO THANK YOU IS A COMPLETE SENTENCE “ - I love that ❤ thank you!
Jesus. As someone who has also stopped, I've had family and friends pull out the peer pressure routine before, especially when I was younger- but the majority really do not care. And I've certainly never lost any friends or family over it. I can understand friendships naturally fizzling out when social interests no longer align, but what kind of losers did you _have_ in your life?
I'm sorry. There's plenty of amazing sober people in your life to meet, and there's just as many awesome responsible drinkers. I know it hurts to get rejected or abandoned, but people who self-select themselves out of your lives like that are doing you a favor. Talk about dodging bullets.
@@Commander6444 thank you. My life's great now, but it was quite a shift. I already lost classmates to drug overdoses by the time I quit drinking, but people just found the whole idea of teetotalism threatening where I grew up. It was only when I moved to a city and met loads of people who didn't drink that I felt it was an option. Another friend died shortly after I stopped drinking and I felt it was good fortune I'd quit, otherwise I worry I might have hit the bottle hard then. It just wouldn't occur to me to drink for fun. I never had an alcohol problem myself or even any bad experiences, I just didn't want any,and more importantly I never had anything positive happen due to alcohol. People weigh up the risks of drinking but they rarely ask "what are the benefits of drinking?", "how will my kids be happier if I drink?".
My parents tried to get me to drink too!? Why!? I hated the taste and still do. My husband, who I assume is an alcoholic (drinks every single night) is now trying to get my 15 yr old son to try it. Needless to say I hit the roof! I did feel a bit guilty afterwards, because my words were harsh, telling my husband I don’t want my son to die of liver cancer like he will! And I’m not visiting you in hospital, because it’s self inflicted, and alcoholics don’t deserve liver transplants blah, blah, blah. Good job I didn’t go into counselling, huh! Mind you, I noticed he’s cut back since the harsh words. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind!
I am very proud to say that I am a close friend of this amazing lady. We partied together all through our 30's and into our 40's. We were nicknamed Patsy and Edina from AbFab. I am deeply ashamed to say that when she told me she quit alcohol I found it hard to believe. I thought it was for a health kick for a few months. So my perspective is from the other side, one of the friends that found it strange. It took a while to sink in, but it not only became acceptable but admirable. To the point that my own drinking habits changed dramatically. This is because she was brave enough and determined enough to patiently explain why she was doing what she was doing. Our friendship thank God surviv
ed and is just as daft and full of laughter and love, we don't need booze to have fun. So if anyone out there is trying to quit and scared of what their friends will think, be patient with them, talk to them, give them a chance to understand and if they care for you they will.
As a recovering alcoholic, "just one" WILL kill me. I am not quiet about my own sobriety, but I won't push it on others either. My sobriety is my responsibility. You do you. ❤
Same for my dad. He’s been 8 years sober but people still say to him “just have 1” sometimes.
Man, if he had just 1, I would be in fear of his life, as I have been many times.
Within not long, he’ll be drunk for 2 weeks straight and will be at serious danger of death when coming off it.
People just don’t understand what allowing alcohol into some people’s lives does to them.
@@operandexpanse congrats to your dad! I find most people who push are coming from a space of judging themselves. If they can drag us in, they can feel better about themselves. My life, sobriety and sanity are worth more to me than any drink. I am not responsible for what someone else understands, only to carry the message and maintain my program.
@@karmas8864 Congrats to you also!
Yes, agreed. I think you develop more emotional maturity and ability to tackle problems in life after quitting. My dad became a really different person. Much less emotional and angry.
I've been sober for 1.5 years also because I end up drinking 4-6 beers a day which is not what I want for my life.
I only really socialise with people who don't drink or are barely drinkers now and I think that helps a lot.
I still miss that "switch" where you can just lose all anxiety for a while by drinking, but quality of life is much better.
All the best to you.
I couldn't agree with you more - you do you!
Yes, I like this summary - you do you. What we have in our glass is no one else's business
The idea that the opposite of addiction is not sobriety, but human connection, really stood out to me. It’s a reminder that we need to support each other and create a more compassionate society.
Her story of overcoming the silence and shame associated with both drinking and sobriety is a powerful reminder of the importance of human connection. Her call for empathy and understanding is something we should all strive to answer.
Thank you!
Her journey from shame to self-love is incredibly inspiring. If that's what happens when you go sober we should all aspire to it, and support one another throughout the process.
"one won't hurt you"
...you have no idea...
Her honesty is so refreshing. People need to understand the real challenges behind sobriety. Thanks for shedding light on the situation.
Thank you - I appreciate your comments
The way she talked about feeling proud of her sobriety but also pressured to hide it was so sad. It’s not right that people can’t celebrate achievements like that without facing judgment.
Absolutely loved this talk. I’m 4.5 years alcohol-free and now coach people to change their relationship with alcohol and definitely the greatest fear my clients have is how their friends/family/work colleagues will respond with many fearing rejection/being left out/made fun of 👏
Thank you - and the work you do is wonderful - congratulations!
I've had people threaten to force-feed me drinks with a funnel in response to hearing I don't drink. Very uncomfortable, having people see you as boring or weak for not wanting or enjoying alcohol.
I couldn't agree more - we don't do this with cigarettes or choosing to go vegan do we?
What that is so disqusting and disappointing. What kind of person do you have to be to make a threat like that??
@@gillmckayI’m vegan and had a meat-eater try and pressure me to eat steak, shoving it in my face. Interestingly, they were also an alcoholic and had issues with drugs. Their attempt to make me eat meat was much like a drinker pressuring someone, acting like you’re boring or repressed because you don’t partake. Being vegan can trigger a similar kind of defensiveness in people that sobriety can. Makes them have to look at themselves, their insecurities and their actions. If you trigger their shame and guilt you become the problem.
@@jackmitchell3618 totally agree
She's such an eloquent speaker. What a message, what passion! And the problem really is pressing. Stigmatizing other people's choices is a sure-fire way downhill for us as humans. We need to be supprotive of the wholsesome decisions our friends and relatives make, and, of course, to be conducive to incremental improvement. Only in this way will we be able to remain humane and sympathetic, and preserve the conventional values for the posterity. This video is bound to go somewhat viral. It definitely deserves that.
Thank you for your comments and yes I agree this is about choice - we shouldn't forget that ever
That emphasis on empathy is something we all need to practice. I've heard two people in the last week talk about how they just don't feel empathy for anyone. Crazy.
I didn't drink till I was 25 and this rings painfully true for me. I still barely drink and there is a weird stigma. So much for tolerance and acceptance on that one...
It is such a strange one isn't it - as you say, a really weird stigma
This presentation hits hard. The silence around sobriety is deafening. Let's break it together and create a supportive, judgment-free space.
It’s tough when the people you expect to support you are the ones trying to sabotage your progress, whether they mean to or not it feels like such a betrayal
I have been sober 8 1/2 years and experienced the shaming during the first 2 years. After a while, people move on. I can not deny it; I love being the only one at a party who does not drink.
I'm with you there!
This has made me think about my own relationship with drinking and how I’ve treated friends who’ve chosen to stop. Choices like that should be celebrated and I hate to think that I've contributed to any feelings of shame
Hearing about her personal struggle and the broader societal issue was truly eye-opening. It’s important to recognize and challenge our own biases and behaviors around sobriety. We all play a part in either perpetuating stigma or breaking it down
Congratulations to everyone who chooses sobriety. How many lives could be saved? How many car accidents could be avoided? My x died in his forties from alcoholism despite intervention. He just couldn’t accept the fact that he was sick. It is a disease! No one in their right mind would offer sugar to someone with diabetes or any food which someone is allergic to. Thanks for speaking out. Education is key to healthy survival.
We have to keep the education going - I couldn't agree more - education is imperative to healthy survival
Thank you so much for your openness and honesty. You are a hero for breaking the silence.
Thank you Linda for your comment
The stigma around sobriety is real. Thanks for shining a light on this!
I am glad the message is getting out - appreciate your comment
Moving from the stigma of drinking to facing the stigma of sobriety, and then using her experience to help others, shows the power of personal transformation. It’s stories like these that can truly change the way we think about alcohol and sobriety.
Thank you, I really appreciate your comment
thank you!
Sobriety shouldn't be stigmatized. This talk is a step in the right direction.
thank you!
The personal stories mixed with hard facts made this talk incredibly impactful, changing the narrative around sobriety starts with talks like these. Well done.
I've had a rough relationship with alcohol and Im still recovering one day at a time. Generational trauma and an abusive mother along with the loss of my two daughters. It all pushed me to drown out my sorrows, but it was always a temporary fix. It took meeting my wife and having someone to help me pull myself out the bottom of the bottle. To realize life goes on and I have a lot more to live for. To look to the future because the past is the past. Anyhow much love and support to anyone battling addiction ❤️ You're not alone my friend.
I think this story is a good reminder of the silent battles many face. Let's be kinder to one another.
It's time we start supporting each other's choices more, especially around health. There shouldn't have to be any reasons given.
I couldn't agree more
The emphasis on empathy and understanding is what we need more of in the world.
The thought of people suffering silently is heartbreaking. Let's work towards fostering empathy and connection, one conversation at a time.
And if it is one at a time, that is great - because it is moving us in the right direction
@@gillmckay so true, thank you
So proud of you for making this positive change in your life. It's unfortunate how some people don't understand the struggle. Keep shining and being an example of strength and resilience!
Thank you!
Good on you for talking about this, it is tied to all those questions we should be asking ourselves about how we operate socially, and why.
I agree - and there is more to that than just drinking
Really makes you think about how we treat people making healthy choices for themselves.
absolutely! And that is what it is about - choice. Our's, not their's!
Gill, your story resonates with so many of us. In my culture, there's a lot of pressure to drink, and the stigma around sobriety is real. Thanks for shedding light on this issue.
so much bravery in sharing such a personal journey. truly inspiring.
Thank you
Wonderful talk, how we treat sobriety despite long knowing the dangers of alcohol says a lot about our society's relationship with it.
Thank you
I appreciate her discussing a topic like this. There really does seem to be an issue in terms of negative gearing towards sober people... I've seen it first hand and also the way people drop off socially when they start making those choices for whatever reason. I also think it speaks to a larger issue within your friend circle if all you ever do together is get drunk.
I totally agree
I've lost friends to alcohol addiction, and seeing the stigma against sobriety breaks my heart.
Yes, me too
I'll admit, I've been guilty of sober shaming in the past without even realizing it. But after watching this, I'm committed to being more mindful of my words and actions. We need to create a culture of acceptance and support for everyone, regardless of their drinking habits.
We need to create a culture of acceptance in so many areas don't we?
@@gillmckay that we do, great talk Gill!
I hate seeing what alcohol does to people , the denial is powerful
It sure is!
never realized how deep the issue of sobriety stigma went. eye-opening talk!
This where you get to know who your real friends are once you stop drinking. Alcohol likes company. If you're not drinking, its making others feel very uncomfortable. Projection is everything that wants to make you feel bad about changing your life. Firsthand experience for me!
So true - alcohol likes company
Cheers to breaking the stigma! It takes courage to confront societal expectations, well done!
Thank you
@@gillmckay very welcome....
So many "friends" fell by the wayside. Just passed the 9 year mark and my friends these days are incredible and genuine.
Well done Gill. Great talk and so true. Not a big drinker myself and have often felt pressure from others and even bought my own non alcoholic drinks. Especially on stage dos.
I've struggled in the past with alcohol as a way to ease social anxiety and trying to move away from that it's like... you're dammed if you do and you're dammed if you don't. So you might as well do the thing that works best for you, and stop caring about the pressure from other people
Yes, I couldn't agree more!
This is honest and true. I have been ditched by many a friend for not drinking. Also, I love Brene Brown.
It is so sad isn't it? Glad to find another Brene fan!
I might not agree with everything she's saying but the broader message about empathy and connection are pretty spot-on
Great talk, Gill. It is very powerful and a clear and unique message to those who use peer pressure and to everyone who suffers in silence. A great opportunity to be proud of your achievement and encourage others to join you. Well done, you smashed it!
Thank you Karen x
Thank you for sharing your story so honestly and it’s a great inspiration.
Thank you!
Great speech.
I never drank. As a teenager, I tried this and that, liked none of it. I vividly remember my grandparents (mostly but not exclusively), who allways claimed " oh, you'll find taste in it some day". Even then I was terribly annoyed by that attitute. Like why? Why did they deem it so seemingly neccessary that I start drinking alcohol? Should it not rather be a good thing not to do so? Like I was breaking a holy societal norm. Surprisingly, the pressure from my peers was less heavy.
And to top it, both of my parents had serious alcohol issues, my grandmother drank a lot (and had my mum drink vine with lunch every day as young as 16, and advise her to drink alcohol to be less worried. It's utterly absurd...) So you could add some level of disgust of the effects booze can have on people that I sadly knew from my parents and others.
Later, when my mental health issues became more aware, same grandma was like "Maybe YOU better don't start drinking after all".
Since years the meds I have to take would not go well with alcohol anyway. It's accepted by now, more because I can't than because I did not feel like it.
I'm from the luxembourgish mosellan region. Many wineyards. Wine-heavy culture. I allways found it very annoying.
I never tasted a drop of alcohol in my life. If I drink openly, I will loose respect from my family and circle. Personally I found no reason to start it. But 100s of reasons to avoid it. I believe it is a cultural thing. In some culture it is never encouraged or tolerated.
Brilliant Talk Gill. And wow what a truth you have shed light on.
Thank you Debora - yes, I want to expose the truth! It matters to talk about these things
Your Talk can only be words of inspiration to anyone struggling to. Maintain their sobriety, Great Job!!👍
Thank you, that was the reason for doing it and I hope it gives people hope
Thanks
My partner gently explains that he's a recovering alcoholic when declining a drink and most people are happy to support that decision.
I've been sober for two years, and the stigma is still there. It's disheartening to see how people react when they find out you don't drink. But videos like this give me hope that attitudes are slowly starting to change.
I am sorry the stigma remains, this is a reflection of our society, not you. And I hope attitudes are changing. Wishing you all the best, Gill x
Honestly whenever people start judging the way other people live their lives it ends badly. Just live your life, don't tell other people how to live theirs and have everyone respect another. Why is this so hard for us to do?
I used to be the one pressuring my friends to drink, not realizing the harm I was causing... this has opened my eyes to the importance of respecting everyone's choices a bit more
Yes, I used to be the one doing that too
This poor woman... I can't imagine having a group of friends so unsupportive they'd react that way to saying I don't want to drink anymore.
There is a stigma for quitting caffeine too. "oh come on it's not so bad" And the culture of waking up and getting coffee/tea is so pervasive. And caffeine is in so many things so I have to be really careful.
Caffeine is actually so bad. It makes your body tense and irritable, and it gives you a bad quality sleep so you are more tired.
Yes, I agree. I can't drink it as I get palpitations and I still get it pushed on me !
Thankfully I never gave a toss about what other people thought when I stopped drinking. But I can imagine it can be difficult to people who are susceptible to peer pressure and social ostracism. But if they won’t support you pro-health decision then they are not worth your time and their opinions are worthless.
yes, I agree Iain, some of my friends definitely fell by the wayside - and I walked away from them
The stats on sober shaming and the stories that she shares really hit home. It's shocking to realize how normalized alcohol consumption is, to the point where choosing not to drink is met with resistance and negativity.
Fantastic talk. Gill was my coach when I went through her Sober Joy programme. We went deep but every step was worth it. I’m approaching 11 months sober this month and have no intention of drinking again. I’ve taken off the mask and living my life through fresh eyes and enjoying life alcohol free 🎉
Oh boy, Anita, I am slowly working through these comments - thank you so much. You are nothing short of awesome and I am so glad you are living your life through fresh eyes x
@@gillmckay thank you ☺️
This was really interesting to hear/think about. There's a girl at work who doesn't drink, never has. She never really gets invited to after work drinks and hearing about her weekend it's always like "yeah I was the designated driver" I duno I just feel kind of bad for her that she's treated differently socially
True, lack of emphathy is the cause of so much pain
Well done!
There can be 5 to 10 year stretches of someone’s life where they can do things you can’t imagine 😮
Good talk, in my case changed all my friends by común sense. I am not confortable with them and the same in them do not want to enyoy with me anymore. My new friends are HEALTHY PEOPLE.
Fabulous ❤
89,000 people go to work with a hangover every day [in the UK] what a crazy number to hear and how sad for those people.
Insert sugar along with the alcohol and this is my life. Great talk!
Good talk. Thank you. I keep talking about communication these days .. hmm. Connections and communication.
After 13 years sober, I have expereiced all of this!😢😊
I had a friend tell me what the do when the comment that “one will not hurt you”.
They said go to the washroom with a glass of water come back and say the there is only one drop of urine in the glass and one drop will not hurt you. Maybe not the most polite way to say mind your own business.
Wow, thank you so much for this! What a great response
I never understood why some people choose sobriety until I watched this video. It's not just about abstaining from alcohol; it's about reclaiming your life and your identity.
Yes, it is - I quit in my mind 50s and it is as if my life has started again. Thank you
I quit as I approached midle age. First for 90 days for an existing medical problem so I would be sure to have a 100 per cent chance of recovery.
Two years later I decided to try quitting for good. Literally.
There were people who didn’t like that I drank, even though I was never a rowdy drunk. After I quit there have been people who don’t like the focused, fully functioning person that I continually strive to be.
Part of the disease of alcoholism is wanting or even needing to be liked by, and aporoved of, by everyone.
Forget it, keep the ones who don’t shame you for doing what you want with your life. Make new friends who don’t shame you, maybe even understand you.
The alcohol is almost always a maladaptive response. But you must forget about people in your life all accepting you.
Or suffer unnecessarily on top of whatever your personal alcohol decision is.
Quit before midlife. Best single change of ny life.
Happiest I have ever been.
But it helps that I accept that there will always be naysayers no matter what I do.
So I have less, but better, friends by dropping out of life’s popularity contest.
But for me not drinking led to a shift in the type of friends I have but definitely a quality upgrade.
Most people are conditioned to try not to offend or alienate anyone. It is part of the reason why most people stay stuck, sober or not.
I cannot control my life, but I can and have chosen to architect elements of it. That includes staying away from the Debbie Downers of this world, regardless of their attitude towards my choice.
I got sober for me. Probably why it has worked for me. Still looking & feeling young at a time when the world thinks I should be senile.
No alcohol.
No (more) trying to please everyone all the time.
Doubt I could have done the first without the second. YMMV. But who cares if people can’t handle seeing a person who is nominally healthy quit by the time of supposed midlife crisis
I want the health benefits of my not drinking. I have gained and lost friends, or so-called friends, over it but it has been a clear upgrade
- Matt’s dad
I'm from Poland and when I first time visit UK I was shocked how much Brits drink. Always thought Poland is a 'drinking country' as everywhere I heard we are drunk nation but this what I saw in London totally changed my mind.
Really liked this speech, esp the 'connection' to Johann Hari.
I would say though: everyone forgets us folk in the middle - recovered alcoholics who didn't have to go cold turkey. Where's our TED talk? 😏
Congratulations Gill.
thank you!
@@gillmckay
See you in June.
@@1967AJB aha! I have worked out who you are! See you in June, it will be so lovely
Yeah, I get what she means. I have a group of buddies and the friendship mainly revolves around football and drinking. I've seen what happens when one of them orders a non-alcoholic whatever, not very supportive to say the least
They shame ppl who don't want to drink alcohol (because they are addicted to alcohol themselves) but proceed to call us names if we use drugs at a recreational level (or even if we are addicts)
Addicts shaming other addicts shows why humans don't deserve what we have
Happens to me at every family gathering. It keeps getting harder to reject their offerings without sounding unpolite.
Why does this need to happen at a family gathering? It is such a shame! Keep strong and aligned to your goals
One drink will hurt me and every family member that live so much more at ease since i quit drinking 5 yrs ago.
We only realise what impact it has on our loved ones when we stop. Well done on your 5 years
When you boil it down to a simple question like, "why aren't we celebrating those who choose health over peer pressure?" well suddenly that stigma does seem a bit out of line, doesn't it?
It sure does - and what a great question - thank you!
I've always been sober and there's probably some stigma in it but my guess is that once you overcome your addiction you also need to find new friends who will serve you better .
That happened to me too! The only people who congratulated me for quitting drinking, or gave me some words of support, were other former alcoholics. Current alcoholics just got silent and avoided me. Normbies just got freaked out and changed the subject. No one knows a damn thing about addiction.
Yes I agree
I recently stopped drinking because of it's impact on my blood sugar levels and lost a friend because I couldn't be her drinking buddy - very sad.
No girl or woman drinks in India. Thanks India for your culture which prevents you from alcoholic 😊
Never had this issue. "I drove" never got push back. I must be among the lucky ones.
That is great - even when I drove, people pushed one glass on me - that is really really irresponsible!
I think it's something that will get better though, especially with the rise of popularity in people who are "californian" sober, choosing not to drink is being normalized more and more
I think it will too - there is far more out there about sobriety, much more choice of drinks and the younger generation seem to be giving it a swerve!
I mean, the friends we made while we were problem drinkers were the type of people who expect their friends to be problem drinkers.
I found out real quick who really cared about me vs who really cared about drinking when I got sober.
Yes, I agree it was the same for me - who really was my friend
As someone whose never drank, it is a weird thing people do.
I think it's so hard because obviously drinking is so accessible... Like I did putt putt over the weekend and there was a bar, I literally can't think of any activity where I don't have access to alcohol and now this is making me wonder like would I still enjoy those activities without drinking? and I probably would but because the option is there I just drink without even thinking about it lol but I'll definitely be thinking about it now!!
Yeah it is surprising especially when you know just how bad for you alcohol really is, the fact that that's been the leading legal/social substance for all this time, it's pretty messed up
The Sopranos show was among the first to tackle this issue with Christopher (rhe character)
I’m histamine intolerant and allergic to yeast. Haven’t had alcohol ever since I found that out a long time ago. If you lost friends because of not drinking you needed new ones anyway. Nobody ever even asks me about it.
I found it easier just to give up on my friend's, I got tired of the questions, the shock, the constant, 'you really just having a coffee?!'
alcohol has killed my best friend, my step mum, and ruined many others in my life. It almost ruined me too, but I made a choice, it's such a shame a had to do so alone
I will NEVER understand why people need alcohol to socialize or at party or for dinner ….I will never understand the purpose of it and I know people don’t drink it for the taste because alcohol burns your mouth and tastebuds…
I don't drink because I dont see the point but its so ingrained in my culture its hard to hang out with people without it being involved. People always judge me negatively or say stuff like "You dont drink? You're boring" and act like drinking is their whole personality. I don't get the appeal.
Ps forgot to mention how everyone is eager to recommend to me their favorite drink because according to them I just havent found my drink yet and I have to turn their offer down 🙄