Uncle Jimmy & Papa Jerry look like twins … & sometimes I don’t know who’s voice is which unless I look at the screen to see who’s speaking 😂🥰 we’ll miss you Uncle Jimmy!
Omg Jerry, you were meant to do this. The level at which you enjoy hosting this pod, well... It absolutely shows! I enjoy watching you all just as much as you love doing this. I am so blown away at how beautifully this has all come together. Even in the beginning the pods were so professionally composed. Plus I am crushing on your gorgeous daughter, her and Justin are a lovely and balanced couple. I am smitten as a kitten with y'all Anyway, I am done gloating. Much love and joy - Let's jump in! XO
Story 2 is close to home. I cut ties with my father. Emotionally and physically abused me and gaslight me for years. Later found out he has a dark past. I cut ties for my daughter to keep her away from evil. Never ever feel guilty for cutting ties. Be brave for breaking the cycle!
My grandmother had BP and narcissistic personality-She’s gone now but she tormented my family, every event was “iffy” and the Christmas when my daughter was 1 she gave her a bottle of lithium with a loose cap because she was getting more attention. If my mother went on vacation my grandmother would fake suicide attempts/ the list goes on and on. I went “ no contact” after that xmass and the rest of the family soon followed for other events… There is nothing OP can say or do to prevent her mother from having “ behaviors “. Also her mother will never “ forgive” her if she’s not invited. On the flip side she will absolutely ruin this wedding. She can’t control herself, she can’t regulate her mental illness, and she is the perpetual victim. My advice is to not invite her/ have your day, and understand that you don’t owe her anything, it’s not about her, and while you couldn’t choose your mom, you can choose yourself as an adult now. Cut your losses, mourn the mom you will never have, and celebrate your new family on your wedding day
My maternal grandmother is an undiagnosed Narcissist and I'm certain she has bipolar disorder as well. I had to cut her off completely after my mom died. She's a horrible person and was so cruel to me and everyone else. She put on a fake persona to trick all of her "church friends". She preaches Christianity but is the biggest hypocrite I've ever met. I didn't want to expose my children or myself to her vile negativity.
I so hope op sees this comment or someone else gave her this advice. Narcissus literally can not control themselves. I've been in a relationship with one for 7+ years now and every event is damn near ruined because of him. The most recent was OUR daughters birthday party. He behaves once ppl arrive but all morning was nothing but temper tantrums and wanting to argue. Fortunately I care about my daughter's birthday so I don't respond and focus on her. Idk why I'm getting this far into my situation cause my whole point was supposed to be saying that she absolutely can not invite her cause fate is already decided when interacting with a narcissist, unfortunately.
For story one: My mother is also a Narcissist. I struggle with her doing a similar thing at my baby shower, but fear the backlash with the rest of the family if I do not invite her. My therapist advised giving her a small task or responsibility that will not affect my day if she screws it up, but something front facing enough to allow her to look good in front of others. I decided I would ask her to bring favors and pass them out while guests leave, because I don't care if that doesn't get done. I am hoping that the task will keep her busy enough to not sabotage my day. Just an idea to redirect her towards something to keep her busy!
Story 2: You DON'T owe your abuser anything. Counselling and giving yourself the time to realise that none of the abuse is your fault. Don't have a relationship if you are still feeling anxious or bad. You deserve better. From one survivor to another, do what makes you live a happy and healthy life.
This! I was in an abusive relationship for seven years, he was my “high school sweetheart” was cheated on, beaten threatened and so much more. I grew up with my mother and father in an abusive marriage so that’s all I really knew when I met him at 14. I had to heal and loose that trauma bond before I could meat anyone else. But let me tell you my husband now is the best man I could have ever met!
A word of advice for the bride debating on inviting her mother: don’t do it. I was also raised mostly by my dad and his parents because my mom is a drug addict, alcoholic, multiple time felon. I made the mistake of inviting her to my wedding many years ago and she interrupted my dad’s words during my ceremony, got extremely wasted, argued with my dad during our family photos, and fell in the pool. She made everything about her and what she wanted, because she financially contributed and she demanded that control. It was AWFUL. Don’t take your mom’s money and don’t let her come.
For the story about the last name change. I would write on front of envelope “No one by this name resides here. Please return the sender.” And than leave in mailbox for the mailman to send it back to sender. I would continue to do this until the parents can send mail with the new legal name. That’s how petty I am. If they are doing this they will do it on everything. An example, my mom booked a flight for me in my maiden name (by pure accident and just out of old habit), issue being that my ID had my now new married name. It could could a real headache in the long run of things
for the abusive father story : as someone going through a similar situation, i’ve sought therapy and made my rule - until he comes to me w an apology and IMMENSE amount of self awareness, i’m not speaking or interacting w him. parents like that imo will not respect your boundaries till they one 1) recognize they exist in the first place 2) recognize they crossed them prior, and recognize not to do that again. until that improvement is made don’t waste ur time !! we can pick our family. it sucks not having a bio dad in anyone’s/my life but i’ve found some much better father figures that have been more of a dad to me than my bio dad ever has. that means more to me than anything else and i just keep searching for love in places i know i’ll find it ! don’t waste ur time on people who don’t deserve it; if they wouldn’t do it for u, don’t do it for them (in this case).
I started to binge FKS after watching all of THT. I didn't expect to feel so strongly. For story 3, I started to break down on my floor sobbing because I could have written that story myself. My best friend lost her dad, the same ages at the time, and the whole story was exactly how it went. I am so grateful that I have this advice now, so I can be there for her better.
As someone who has lost a parent and dealt with more family deaths than most people my age, I found that there really isn't anything you can say that will make someone feel better when they are grieving that kind of loss. The best thing you can do is show up for them. And keep showing up for them. In my culture the close family is surrounded by people for the first month to help during that time (with so much food). My mom's death really hit me when I was finally alone when I went back to university after her funeral. I can't tell you how much I appreciated the people who showed up for me so I didn't feel so alone. You don't have to do anything, just be there for your friend. Talk to her on the phone, check up on her by messaging her, and show up at her place when she can handle it. Being there is all you can do but you don't understand how powerful that can be for someone when their world is crashing around them.
For the writer struggling with the relationship with their father, my heart goes out to you. I went through a similar situation growing up, and spent most of my life trying to navigate that relationship and keep the other side of my family in my life, as well. Please save yourself the years (or decades) of struggle, and try to move on and heal with your life, especially if that other side of your family does not understand or respect your boundaries to not be with him. You deserve so much better and by distancing yourself, you can save yourself a lot of hurt. Sending you so much healing & love
I can relate so closely to the feeling of grieving a mom you wish you had. It's super hard with my mom, we're for sure having rules for her at our wedding and ruling out other family members that we know instigate her bad behavior 😅
Advice for story number 2 and 3 Story 2: this is what worked for me when I was facing this situation at your age: I cut contact through a letter. I enrolled in counseling and when I was able to forgive them and was ok letting my father back into my life and I knew I would hold my boundaries in a peaceful manner I didn't start contact. When I started communicating with my father again I expressed exactly what my boundaries and expectations were and the result if a mutual respect wasn't there. You don't have to reconnect with your father but definitely do the first half because boundaries are something your not allowed to have durring abuse. I didn't talk to my family about it till I was strong enough to open up and uphold my boundaries. Story 3: I feel that the best way to support your friend right now is by doing 2 things meeting Maslows hierarchy of needs when your struggling mentally the bottom tier is not met... go clean her house make her food and sit quietly with her. The rest will fall into place. The next thing I would do is meet her with her love language and make sure to keep the love cup full chances are she is neglecting love for herself so it will fall to those around her to fill it. Nothing needs to be said nothing needs to be done besides meeting her where she is at. Do keep in mind that grieving is typically worse and harder to get through for those who 1 die suddenly and 2 have a strained relationship with those who passed. I want to keep things short here so feel free to comment of you need more explanation on some of the points brought up. I know you live in a different city so your going to need to make the time to get there because nothing is too hard to do for someone you love when they are in need.
My father is abusive too. Not nearly to that extent, but he did hit me a lot and scream at me and call me a lot of names. My now husband was the one to encourage me to stop talking to him. I told my mom that he was no longer allowed to call me or text me and he wasn’t allowed at my wedding. It’s been about 2 or 3 years since then and I have never been happier! My panic attacks have reduced to almost 0! I went through the whole, but he’s my dad, I want a dad, I need a dad! And it sucks not having one. It eventually gets easier as you start to find father figures in other men, mine is my older brother and another is my father in law! It’s hard to cut a parent out of your life because there are so many people who don’t have bad parents that just don’t get it. They either say “well why do you even care if they treat you that way? If it were me, I would have already cut them out! Who cares about them!” Which is because they weren’t gas lit their whole lives, or they say “just try to work it out! They are your parent! You can’t just not talk to them! I could never imagine not talking to MY parent! You have to think of what they went through as a kid and forgive them and work it out!” But let me just say, don’t listen to those people. It is hard to cut a parent out, but it is necessary especially in these situations! But never ever EVER let anyone shame you for doing it. Be strong, you have so many people behind you!
I say they need to send all mail not marked with their correct last name back to the in laws with "return to sender, residents not at location." Or something along that line 😂
I was thinking the same thing! I work in shipping and receiving and I see all the different codes they use for returns. Person unknown seems like a good fit here 😂
To the writer with the abusive father considering cutting off a relationship and still wanting to maintain contact with that side of the family... That can be easier said than done. Watch out for flying monkeys, which are family members who will gain all the information they can about you, and then take it back to your cut off family member. At this point in time (8.5 years of NC), I have lost relationships with two of my four brothers, aunts, uncle's, cousins, and unfortunately, my grandparents. Once I realized that the safety of my children was at risk, I knew that I wasn't going to be able to continue a relationship with them. It's really hard, and it was really unexpected for me, but just like with the person I commented to before, remember that you are not alone. There are support groups, and you can do this.
I love FKS so much. I don't have a relationship with my father where I can look for advice from him, and I love hearing situations similar to my own and hearing your thoughts. I hope the best for the entire THT/FKS family ❤
Hi all! For the wedding one my friend had a very similar situation with her mother, not sure if same diagnosis but similar potential outcome. She would be really offensive, think "oh Sarah you're so much fatter than when I last saw you" etc and had taking over / generally weird behaviours. My friend was concerned she would just be on edge all day and her brother wouldn't relax as he'd be on mum duty. So her and her husband ended up having a registry office wedding and nice meal out the week before the wedding. It was just them, parents and siblings and mum was invited and it all went well. She then wasn't invited to the next week and my friend was so relaxed and happy. The one thing she had to face was lots of friends asking why her mum wasn't there, so we tried to explain she wouldn't be coming a bit in advance to stop those questions and her feeling guilty. You really have to do what's right for you on your wedding and really stick to that ❤
For the OP with the friend who’s father passed recently: Just be there for when the shoe inevitability drops. Don’t push the conversation - it’ll happen eventually. It took me several years to REALLY have the meltdown about my own dad’s passing. Everyone grieves in their own timeline.
I would love to address the writer whose mom is diagnosed with NPD. As a woman who also has a narcissistic mother and has been no contact for 8 and 1/2 years now, I just went to reassure you that everything you're feeling is okay. Please know that you are not alone. It's natural that you're going to keep trying and keep trying, because, hey! That's your mom! Society tells us that's the person that's supposed to have unconditional love for us. That's the person that should have our back, no matter what. Unfortunately... Some of us did not get mom's like that. You were correct in your additional info when you stated that you feel like you're grieving not having a real mom. This is a grieving process! I'm 37 now, and there are days that I still just want for that maternal figure. Unfortunately, that's just not the road that was laid out for me. During my adulthood I have managed to surround myself with strong women who have been wonderful role models so that I am able to be the mom that I never had. That is my focus now. My mom's mental illness is not who I am, but it is a huge part of why I am who I am. I don't know if you're a religious person, but I really struggled with the whole, "honor thy father and mother," thing and going NC. I had a wonderful pastor one time who told me that honoring your father and mother could look like recognizing that who they are and what they are have made you who you are... that the character traits that you possess were developed either because of or in spite of them. Our job is not to honor abuse. Our job is to honor our true selves. It may take you 10 more times of going no contact before you decide that this is a permanent thing, and that's okay. When I was 28 and finally cut ties, I almost couldn't believe that it had taken so long. But that's what we do, that's what we are told good daughters do. We forgive, we put up with it, and we keep hoping that they will change. Keep firm with your boundaries. I know every girl wants her mom there buttoning her dress on her wedding day... But for some of us that's just not a reality. Sending much love and support, and praying that you are able to honor your true self.
Okay, just me coming in hot for my third comment 🤣 to the writer of story 4 where brother wishes to seek a relationship with dad... I understand how complex and hurtful this is. And I do believe that you can still have a healthy relationship with your brother despite his relationship with your father. My two younger brothers moved in with me when they were 16 and 14, respectively. My husband and I took on the responsibility of finishing their raising, as my mentally ill mother was unable to do so. My goal my entire life, since I was 11 years old, was to protect these boys from the abuse, manipulation, financial instability, and narcissism that my mother continued to put us through. When I am really struggling with the thought of them continuing that relationship despite my animosity towards her, I remind myself that I must have done a pretty good job of protecting them if they truly think that's a relationship worth carrying on. Is it hard? Yes. Are there days when I get bitter? Absolutely. That being said, I've heard before that every sibling has a different set of parents, and I truly believe that. What I went through in my young years is different from what they went through in their young years. They had me to protect them, and I had no one. Recognizing that they had a different upbringing, and recognizing that review the same person and same world through two different lenses is what gets me through. My brothers both know that this is a choice I've made, I don't discuss her in my home, they don't get to share pictures of my children with her, they don't get to give information about me, they are not to be the middle man and try to bring me whatever gifts she wants to send. As we have all gotten older, they have started limiting their time with her more. I think it's gotten easier as they have gotten older and had a little more outside perspective. Holidays are still spent at my house, they come to my place every year for mother's Day and Christmas and all the big things, but they still do see her. It's hurtful, yes, but that's their mom and they can have whatever relationship with her that they want.
To the person who's father abused them and is wondering about cutting them off, I would be done immediately. I had a close relative do things to me as a kid, and i kept it a secret for years. Then, as an adult, i finally realized what i had actually gone through. I confided in a few other family members, who basically wanted to turn a blind eye. But i couldn't. I cut the person out, and as soon as I did, I finally began to find my real strength. Not being believed hurts tremendously, but at the end of the day, I have some comfort in knowing that person can't hurt me in any way, ever again. Once you've cut your father out, especially since he doesn't acknowledge the abuse, you will find strength and self worth in standing your ground. The guilt you are feeling is normal. I have that too. We have nothing to feel guilty about, it isn't our fault, and it helps to remember that.
i wanted to chime in on story 1 because my best friend in the whole world is in a similar boat with her mom. for the last 4 years her mom had fallen off the sobriety wagon but it is known that she is a functional alcoholic who loves the attention. my best friend got married in June and we planned the wedding for a whole year, during the whole planning her mom wasn’t able to get herself together so we had a two things she could bring if she showed up (we are at a point where my best friends mom is unpredictable so we couldn’t be sure that she wouldn’t be in trouble with the law or something that would cause her to not show) this wedding as a whole was more so just a reception and very laid back with strictly close family and friends. my best friend and i both agreed that if her mom did end up coming to the wedding, she would be put on a no drinking order and no one would let her have alcohol. we also agreed to message one of her moms friends of whom my bestie thinks of as an aunt and we ask this aunt to keep an eye on her mom so if she even got the slightest out of line we could trust the aunt would make sure to take care of her and remove her from the wedding. this took so much stress off the bride and groom because they didn’t have to anticipate the worse since they knew it would all be handled by someone else. this is obviously not a situation that can work for everyone but it did work super well and if there’s an option i would recommend considering it.
I needed the first story ❤ I am 25 and my parents haven’t been in my life since 2020 and I know the day of me getting engaged and married is coming soon and I have already made the decision that I wouldn’t invite them, I don’t want to come off like a bitch to the people in my life that would see me not invite them but similar to this mom my mom is a literal child and would “throw the camera around” and make the whole thing about her and I would end “my day” in tears but yeah love you guys, & especially this podcast! 💛
i am curious, for people who submit, are they told before an episode comes out that their story is getting a response? or do they just find out when the new episode is out?
For the story about the in-laws not respecting the last name… I would start sending the mail back, unopened, with a note saying “sorry there is no one here with that name, you must have the wrong address” And keep doing that until you see change.
And to piggy back off of the whole “grandchild” of it all, if you don’t have kids just bring up the fact of “so if we have kids, you’re just not going to acknowledge them? Call them by the wrong name too? Because if that’s the case, I don’t want you around them”. Something along those lines.
For the non-binary with the friend who's father died...since you aren't in the same town check in on her. At the least weekly. Remember any important days that they may have shared. His birthday, father's day, holidays, etc. Check in on those days for sure. My older sister lost her Mom to cancer. I tried to check in on her as much as I could. That first mother's day I called to check in and she said I was the only one that seemed to remember she didn't have her mom anymore and it meant a lot. It's always the anniversaries that hit the hardest.
Whewwww. My own mother; I tell you what, the second I found out what the hell was going on and could put a name to it, I cut her out immediately. Before that I just told myself that's how she was, and she's my _mother_ so I have to put up with it. Cost me ten grand and a decade of my life, but I am free now, going on six months. I hope you're doing so much better!!
I just listened to this episode about the name issues and this is my first time ever commenting but I have a petty yet harmless response for the Mother in law who addresses them by the improper names --I work as a receptionist at a law office so I am constantly doing mail. We received a lot of mail for attorneys who have moved on to other firms. Within the first month I forward it to their updated addresses. But after I begin to write on the envelope “The person addresssed is not at this location. Please return to sender.” The usps then mails it back. I think the OP should start doing that on articles addressed improperly “The person by that name cannot be found at this address. Please check the address and name and re-send accordingly. Return to sender”. You’ve got to cross out the person it’s addressed to get sent back but I think this would be a easy yet silent way of requesting to be addressed appropriately.
last story sounds to me like: *in the mother in law's voice* "omg, that's my only favourite son! and this b*tch he brang here destroyed everythig! how are our family name and origins gonna survive if she doesn't allow him and cant be convinced to accept his original surename 😫🖐!".
Last name only counts for a small part of family roots, even from European backgrounds. Your last name is at most 1/4 of your heritage (your grandfather's family). What happens to the mother's background? What about your grandfather's mother? If the last name has been changed, it's even less. Most last names are relatively new in the timeline of human existence, only about 1000 years old at the most. And that's the wealthy royal last names, which most of our ancestors are not.
For the name story- the mother in law seems to be doing it maliciously but the others who have sent things addressed to Mr and Mrs his last name may simply have assumed. I did not change my name but even some of my close friends send things to Mr and Mrs his last name. I have always assumed they just thought I had changed it not that someone told them I had
Greetings from the future, September 2024, but should this time travel to you in advance, maybe a trial run with mom with NPD, like an engagement party or something. See how she handles herself, and base your decision on allowing her to the wedding, on her behavior at the “trial run”. That’s my best suggestion, I hope it all works out happily for the OP.
When my mother’s people came from Poland/Russia/Ukraine, they came through Scandinavia, and ended up as Johnsons by the time they got to America. Their real names are lost to history, as are the borders that used to exist in their countries of origin
For the last name story, are you sure the husband doesn’t regret changing his last name. If he was really happy with the new last name, wouldn’t he stand up to his mom and set her straight?
The daughter in law who made the made up last name sounds exhausting 😅😅 like "you think she told the family u took his last name cause your getting cards saying Mr and mrs blah." Umm no more like it probably wouldn't have even crossed their mind that you didn't just do the normal thing and take his last name... "I didnt want to abandon my last name" you still abandoned it .. Like i literally was probably gonna not take my bfs name if we even get married but now i might because u were just exhausting 😅😅 Respectfully. 🤣-an idiot who opinion doesn't matter anyways. Do u .
Unpopular opinion: the last story is written by an immature individual. Both the writer and the in-laws are immature and petty. Truly there's nothing wrong with changing your name, but people and families tend to pull towards having a legacy and growing their family. By changing your last name and they're son's last name, it conveys that you don't want to be apart of their family or history. They aren't respecting you, certainly, but you aren't respecting them or their feelings either. "My last name doesn't reflect who I am" mentality, is childish. You aren't your name, you are your personality, character, actions, and interactions. If you think your last name needs to reflect that, the only thing it shows is shallowness and insecurity.
I totally see what you mean, but I’d argue that it doesn’t really matter if op is immature, they made a choice and it should be respected. It’s basically the same as changing a first name, it’s not disrespectful to the original family, it’s just what some people want to do
Ok, I was looking for a comment on story 5/ last story. I don't see how it is such a big deal. I feel like we are missing something. I didn't take my husband's last name, but his family, including extended when they sent us congratulations and mail as Mr & Mrs his name. I did not think much of it because they were making an assumption as it is typical, and personally I ain't picking that hill to die on. I said thank you and moved on. I think OP doesn't have the best relationship with the in-laws and there is a bigger issue at hand. Clearly the mother in law might be petty IDK but i don't think is to the point of distancing. They are still your partner's family and some level of respect is needed on both parties. If it is really such a big issues your partner needs to address that boundary.
Omg Jerry bragging about Justin’s accomplishments is just 🥰🥺💕 we all deserve a father in-law like that🥲 congratulations Justin✨👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Well 😅 not father in law yet but he better get his butt down on one knee for Morgan soon so that is the case
Uncle Jimmy & Papa Jerry look like twins … & sometimes I don’t know who’s voice is which unless I look at the screen to see who’s speaking 😂🥰 we’ll miss you Uncle Jimmy!
Me too lol 😂
Omg Jerry, you were meant to do this. The level at which you enjoy hosting this pod, well... It absolutely shows! I enjoy watching you all just as much as you love doing this. I am so blown away at how beautifully this has all come together. Even in the beginning the pods were so professionally composed. Plus I am crushing on your gorgeous daughter, her and Justin are a lovely and balanced couple. I am smitten as a kitten with y'all Anyway, I am done gloating. Much love and joy - Let's jump in! XO
Ddspsxp#t
Jerry is the father a lot of us never had and in some way hearing his fatherly advice heals my own broken relationship.
Lana, thank you…. Ps Im glad I’m able to be here…. Dad/Jerry
Story 2 is close to home. I cut ties with my father. Emotionally and physically abused me and gaslight me for years. Later found out he has a dark past. I cut ties for my daughter to keep her away from evil. Never ever feel guilty for cutting ties. Be brave for breaking the cycle!
My grandmother had BP and narcissistic personality-She’s gone now but she tormented my family, every event was “iffy” and the Christmas when my daughter was 1 she gave her a bottle of lithium with a loose cap because she was getting more attention.
If my mother went on vacation my grandmother would fake suicide attempts/ the list goes on and on. I went “ no contact” after that xmass and the rest of the family soon followed for other events…
There is nothing OP can say or do to prevent her mother from having “ behaviors “.
Also her mother will never “ forgive” her if she’s not invited. On the flip side she will absolutely ruin this wedding. She can’t control herself, she can’t regulate her mental illness, and she is the perpetual victim.
My advice is to not invite her/ have your day, and understand that you don’t owe her anything, it’s not about her, and while you couldn’t choose your mom, you can choose yourself as an adult now. Cut your losses, mourn the mom you will never have, and celebrate your new family on your wedding day
My mother is schizophrenic and has BP as well and have had similar issues and 100% agree with you
My maternal grandmother is an undiagnosed Narcissist and I'm certain she has bipolar disorder as well. I had to cut her off completely after my mom died. She's a horrible person and was so cruel to me and everyone else. She put on a fake persona to trick all of her "church friends". She preaches Christianity but is the biggest hypocrite I've ever met. I didn't want to expose my children or myself to her vile negativity.
I so hope op sees this comment or someone else gave her this advice. Narcissus literally can not control themselves. I've been in a relationship with one for 7+ years now and every event is damn near ruined because of him. The most recent was OUR daughters birthday party. He behaves once ppl arrive but all morning was nothing but temper tantrums and wanting to argue. Fortunately I care about my daughter's birthday so I don't respond and focus on her. Idk why I'm getting this far into my situation cause my whole point was supposed to be saying that she absolutely can not invite her cause fate is already decided when interacting with a narcissist, unfortunately.
For story one: My mother is also a Narcissist. I struggle with her doing a similar thing at my baby shower, but fear the backlash with the rest of the family if I do not invite her. My therapist advised giving her a small task or responsibility that will not affect my day if she screws it up, but something front facing enough to allow her to look good in front of others. I decided I would ask her to bring favors and pass them out while guests leave, because I don't care if that doesn't get done. I am hoping that the task will keep her busy enough to not sabotage my day. Just an idea to redirect her towards something to keep her busy!
Time stamps
Story 1: 4:00
Story 2: 18:45
Story 3: 29:50
Story 4: 40:35
Story 5: 50:15
I love this! However missing the small talk in between gives me FOMO
I love the podcasts! I want to say I feel like it's okay to cut contact with abusive people without an explanation. They don't always deserve one.
Story 2: You DON'T owe your abuser anything. Counselling and giving yourself the time to realise that none of the abuse is your fault. Don't have a relationship if you are still feeling anxious or bad. You deserve better. From one survivor to another, do what makes you live a happy and healthy life.
Amen!
This! I was in an abusive relationship for seven years, he was my “high school sweetheart” was cheated on, beaten threatened and so much more. I grew up with my mother and father in an abusive marriage so that’s all I really knew when I met him at 14. I had to heal and loose that trauma bond before I could meat anyone else. But let me tell you my husband now is the best man I could have ever met!
A word of advice for the bride debating on inviting her mother: don’t do it. I was also raised mostly by my dad and his parents because my mom is a drug addict, alcoholic, multiple time felon. I made the mistake of inviting her to my wedding many years ago and she interrupted my dad’s words during my ceremony, got extremely wasted, argued with my dad during our family photos, and fell in the pool. She made everything about her and what she wanted, because she financially contributed and she demanded that control. It was AWFUL. Don’t take your mom’s money and don’t let her come.
I love how early this posted. Perfect for drinking my coffee while my kiddo eats his breakfast ❤ Happy Tuesday yall
For the story about the last name change. I would write on front of envelope “No one by this name resides here. Please return the sender.” And than leave in mailbox for the mailman to send it back to sender. I would continue to do this until the parents can send mail with the new legal name.
That’s how petty I am. If they are doing this they will do it on everything.
An example, my mom booked a flight for me in my maiden name (by pure accident and just out of old habit), issue being that my ID had my now new married name. It could could a real headache in the long run of things
for the abusive father story : as someone going through a similar situation, i’ve sought therapy and made my rule - until he comes to me w an apology and IMMENSE amount of self awareness, i’m not speaking or interacting w him. parents like that imo will not respect your boundaries till they one 1) recognize they exist in the first place 2) recognize they crossed them prior, and recognize not to do that again. until that improvement is made don’t waste ur time !! we can pick our family. it sucks not having a bio dad in anyone’s/my life but i’ve found some much better father figures that have been more of a dad to me than my bio dad ever has. that means more to me than anything else and i just keep searching for love in places i know i’ll find it ! don’t waste ur time on people who don’t deserve it; if they wouldn’t do it for u, don’t do it for them (in this case).
I started to binge FKS after watching all of THT. I didn't expect to feel so strongly. For story 3, I started to break down on my floor sobbing because I could have written that story myself. My best friend lost her dad, the same ages at the time, and the whole story was exactly how it went. I am so grateful that I have this advice now, so I can be there for her better.
As someone who has lost a parent and dealt with more family deaths than most people my age, I found that there really isn't anything you can say that will make someone feel better when they are grieving that kind of loss. The best thing you can do is show up for them. And keep showing up for them. In my culture the close family is surrounded by people for the first month to help during that time (with so much food). My mom's death really hit me when I was finally alone when I went back to university after her funeral. I can't tell you how much I appreciated the people who showed up for me so I didn't feel so alone. You don't have to do anything, just be there for your friend. Talk to her on the phone, check up on her by messaging her, and show up at her place when she can handle it. Being there is all you can do but you don't understand how powerful that can be for someone when their world is crashing around them.
For the writer struggling with the relationship with their father, my heart goes out to you. I went through a similar situation growing up, and spent most of my life trying to navigate that relationship and keep the other side of my family in my life, as well. Please save yourself the years (or decades) of struggle, and try to move on and heal with your life, especially if that other side of your family does not understand or respect your boundaries to not be with him. You deserve so much better and by distancing yourself, you can save yourself a lot of hurt. Sending you so much healing & love
Another episode with uncle Jimmy!! 😍❤️
Uncle Jimmy is OUR uncle now 🥰
I can relate so closely to the feeling of grieving a mom you wish you had. It's super hard with my mom, we're for sure having rules for her at our wedding and ruling out other family members that we know instigate her bad behavior 😅
Advice for story number 2 and 3
Story 2: this is what worked for me when I was facing this situation at your age: I cut contact through a letter. I enrolled in counseling and when I was able to forgive them and was ok letting my father back into my life and I knew I would hold my boundaries in a peaceful manner I didn't start contact. When I started communicating with my father again I expressed exactly what my boundaries and expectations were and the result if a mutual respect wasn't there. You don't have to reconnect with your father but definitely do the first half because boundaries are something your not allowed to have durring abuse. I didn't talk to my family about it till I was strong enough to open up and uphold my boundaries.
Story 3: I feel that the best way to support your friend right now is by doing 2 things meeting Maslows hierarchy of needs when your struggling mentally the bottom tier is not met... go clean her house make her food and sit quietly with her. The rest will fall into place. The next thing I would do is meet her with her love language and make sure to keep the love cup full chances are she is neglecting love for herself so it will fall to those around her to fill it. Nothing needs to be said nothing needs to be done besides meeting her where she is at. Do keep in mind that grieving is typically worse and harder to get through for those who 1 die suddenly and 2 have a strained relationship with those who passed. I want to keep things short here so feel free to comment of you need more explanation on some of the points brought up. I know you live in a different city so your going to need to make the time to get there because nothing is too hard to do for someone you love when they are in need.
My father is abusive too. Not nearly to that extent, but he did hit me a lot and scream at me and call me a lot of names. My now husband was the one to encourage me to stop talking to him. I told my mom that he was no longer allowed to call me or text me and he wasn’t allowed at my wedding. It’s been about 2 or 3 years since then and I have never been happier! My panic attacks have reduced to almost 0! I went through the whole, but he’s my dad, I want a dad, I need a dad! And it sucks not having one. It eventually gets easier as you start to find father figures in other men, mine is my older brother and another is my father in law! It’s hard to cut a parent out of your life because there are so many people who don’t have bad parents that just don’t get it. They either say “well why do you even care if they treat you that way? If it were me, I would have already cut them out! Who cares about them!” Which is because they weren’t gas lit their whole lives, or they say “just try to work it out! They are your parent! You can’t just not talk to them! I could never imagine not talking to MY parent! You have to think of what they went through as a kid and forgive them and work it out!” But let me just say, don’t listen to those people. It is hard to cut a parent out, but it is necessary especially in these situations! But never ever EVER let anyone shame you for doing it. Be strong, you have so many people behind you!
I say they need to send all mail not marked with their correct last name back to the in laws with "return to sender, residents not at location." Or something along that line 😂
I was thinking the same thing! I work in shipping and receiving and I see all the different codes they use for returns. Person unknown seems like a good fit here 😂
That is such a cool opportunity Justin ! Congrats ! And jerry your so sweet for bragging about him !
To the writer with the abusive father considering cutting off a relationship and still wanting to maintain contact with that side of the family... That can be easier said than done. Watch out for flying monkeys, which are family members who will gain all the information they can about you, and then take it back to your cut off family member. At this point in time (8.5 years of NC), I have lost relationships with two of my four brothers, aunts, uncle's, cousins, and unfortunately, my grandparents. Once I realized that the safety of my children was at risk, I knew that I wasn't going to be able to continue a relationship with them. It's really hard, and it was really unexpected for me, but just like with the person I commented to before, remember that you are not alone. There are support groups, and you can do this.
I love FKS so much. I don't have a relationship with my father where I can look for advice from him, and I love hearing situations similar to my own and hearing your thoughts. I hope the best for the entire THT/FKS family ❤
Amazing episode with amazing advice as always!
Hoping to hear my story soon, I could really use advice.
Hi all! For the wedding one my friend had a very similar situation with her mother, not sure if same diagnosis but similar potential outcome. She would be really offensive, think "oh Sarah you're so much fatter than when I last saw you" etc and had taking over / generally weird behaviours. My friend was concerned she would just be on edge all day and her brother wouldn't relax as he'd be on mum duty. So her and her husband ended up having a registry office wedding and nice meal out the week before the wedding. It was just them, parents and siblings and mum was invited and it all went well. She then wasn't invited to the next week and my friend was so relaxed and happy. The one thing she had to face was lots of friends asking why her mum wasn't there, so we tried to explain she wouldn't be coming a bit in advance to stop those questions and her feeling guilty. You really have to do what's right for you on your wedding and really stick to that ❤
For the OP with the friend who’s father passed recently:
Just be there for when the shoe inevitability drops. Don’t push the conversation - it’ll happen eventually.
It took me several years to REALLY have the meltdown about my own dad’s passing. Everyone grieves in their own timeline.
Btw Jerry - my maiden name is Siegel! Maybe we’re distantly related 🤣🤣
The last name story. I would straight up put it back in as "return to sender not at this address" 😅
Welcome back Jimmy!!!!!
Dang all these stories are hitting me 😭
OMG IM LITERALLY GOING TO TOONTOWN TOMORROW!!
im so excited and ill try to listen for it :)
I need to go see it to. Taylor is coming back to town for a visit and I think “the happiest place on earth” is in our future
My toddler ALWAYS dances to the intro and outro to father knows.
I would love to address the writer whose mom is diagnosed with NPD. As a woman who also has a narcissistic mother and has been no contact for 8 and 1/2 years now, I just went to reassure you that everything you're feeling is okay. Please know that you are not alone. It's natural that you're going to keep trying and keep trying, because, hey! That's your mom! Society tells us that's the person that's supposed to have unconditional love for us. That's the person that should have our back, no matter what. Unfortunately... Some of us did not get mom's like that. You were correct in your additional info when you stated that you feel like you're grieving not having a real mom. This is a grieving process! I'm 37 now, and there are days that I still just want for that maternal figure. Unfortunately, that's just not the road that was laid out for me.
During my adulthood I have managed to surround myself with strong women who have been wonderful role models so that I am able to be the mom that I never had. That is my focus now. My mom's mental illness is not who I am, but it is a huge part of why I am who I am. I don't know if you're a religious person, but I really struggled with the whole, "honor thy father and mother," thing and going NC. I had a wonderful pastor one time who told me that honoring your father and mother could look like recognizing that who they are and what they are have made you who you are... that the character traits that you possess were developed either because of or in spite of them. Our job is not to honor abuse. Our job is to honor our true selves. It may take you 10 more times of going no contact before you decide that this is a permanent thing, and that's okay. When I was 28 and finally cut ties, I almost couldn't believe that it had taken so long. But that's what we do, that's what we are told good daughters do. We forgive, we put up with it, and we keep hoping that they will change.
Keep firm with your boundaries. I know every girl wants her mom there buttoning her dress on her wedding day... But for some of us that's just not a reality. Sending much love and support, and praying that you are able to honor your true self.
🔥🔥🤎 the music thing, awh, yes! awesome! Justin, congratulations
Okay, just me coming in hot for my third comment 🤣 to the writer of story 4 where brother wishes to seek a relationship with dad... I understand how complex and hurtful this is. And I do believe that you can still have a healthy relationship with your brother despite his relationship with your father. My two younger brothers moved in with me when they were 16 and 14, respectively. My husband and I took on the responsibility of finishing their raising, as my mentally ill mother was unable to do so. My goal my entire life, since I was 11 years old, was to protect these boys from the abuse, manipulation, financial instability, and narcissism that my mother continued to put us through. When I am really struggling with the thought of them continuing that relationship despite my animosity towards her, I remind myself that I must have done a pretty good job of protecting them if they truly think that's a relationship worth carrying on. Is it hard? Yes. Are there days when I get bitter? Absolutely. That being said, I've heard before that every sibling has a different set of parents, and I truly believe that. What I went through in my young years is different from what they went through in their young years. They had me to protect them, and I had no one. Recognizing that they had a different upbringing, and recognizing that review the same person and same world through two different lenses is what gets me through.
My brothers both know that this is a choice I've made, I don't discuss her in my home, they don't get to share pictures of my children with her, they don't get to give information about me, they are not to be the middle man and try to bring me whatever gifts she wants to send. As we have all gotten older, they have started limiting their time with her more. I think it's gotten easier as they have gotten older and had a little more outside perspective. Holidays are still spent at my house, they come to my place every year for mother's Day and Christmas and all the big things, but they still do see her. It's hurtful, yes, but that's their mom and they can have whatever relationship with her that they want.
To the person who's father abused them and is wondering about cutting them off, I would be done immediately. I had a close relative do things to me as a kid, and i kept it a secret for years. Then, as an adult, i finally realized what i had actually gone through. I confided in a few other family members, who basically wanted to turn a blind eye. But i couldn't. I cut the person out, and as soon as I did, I finally began to find my real strength. Not being believed hurts tremendously, but at the end of the day, I have some comfort in knowing that person can't hurt me in any way, ever again. Once you've cut your father out, especially since he doesn't acknowledge the abuse, you will find strength and self worth in standing your ground. The guilt you are feeling is normal. I have that too. We have nothing to feel guilty about, it isn't our fault, and it helps to remember that.
i wanted to chime in on story 1 because my best friend in the whole world is in a similar boat with her mom. for the last 4 years her mom had fallen off the sobriety wagon but it is known that she is a functional alcoholic who loves the attention. my best friend got married in June and we planned the wedding for a whole year, during the whole planning her mom wasn’t able to get herself together so we had a two things she could bring if she showed up (we are at a point where my best friends mom is unpredictable so we couldn’t be sure that she wouldn’t be in trouble with the law or something that would cause her to not show) this wedding as a whole was more so just a reception and very laid back with strictly close family and friends. my best friend and i both agreed that if her mom did end up coming to the wedding, she would be put on a no drinking order and no one would let her have alcohol. we also agreed to message one of her moms friends of whom my bestie thinks of as an aunt and we ask this aunt to keep an eye on her mom so if she even got the slightest out of line we could trust the aunt would make sure to take care of her and remove her from the wedding. this took so much stress off the bride and groom because they didn’t have to anticipate the worse since they knew it would all be handled by someone else. this is obviously not a situation that can work for everyone but it did work super well and if there’s an option i would recommend considering it.
I needed the first story ❤ I am 25 and my parents haven’t been in my life since 2020 and I know the day of me getting engaged and married is coming soon and I have already made the decision that I wouldn’t invite them, I don’t want to come off like a bitch to the people in my life that would see me not invite them but similar to this mom my mom is a literal child and would “throw the camera around” and make the whole thing about her and I would end “my day” in tears but yeah love you guys, & especially this podcast! 💛
Well done, Justin!
i am curious, for people who submit, are they told before an episode comes out that their story is getting a response? or do they just find out when the new episode is out?
No my friend submitted one and found out when she watched one of the next episodes lol
therapy, yeah, but some of these fathers need jail
Congratulations, Justin
I literally can not tell jimmy and Jerry apart
For the story about the in-laws not respecting the last name… I would start sending the mail back, unopened, with a note saying “sorry there is no one here with that name, you must have the wrong address”
And keep doing that until you see change.
And to piggy back off of the whole “grandchild” of it all, if you don’t have kids just bring up the fact of “so if we have kids, you’re just not going to acknowledge them? Call them by the wrong name too? Because if that’s the case, I don’t want you around them”. Something along those lines.
For the non-binary with the friend who's father died...since you aren't in the same town check in on her. At the least weekly. Remember any important days that they may have shared. His birthday, father's day, holidays, etc. Check in on those days for sure. My older sister lost her Mom to cancer. I tried to check in on her as much as I could. That first mother's day I called to check in and she said I was the only one that seemed to remember she didn't have her mom anymore and it meant a lot. It's always the anniversaries that hit the hardest.
Uncle jimmy sounds like Bob Ross.
Congratulations Justin! 🎉
Yay! Hi uncle jimmy!
I have a relationship w/ a narcissist that would make your head spin . Often thought about writing in 😭
Me too girly pop... Me too. I feel for you. Just want to let you know you are not alone.
Whewwww. My own mother; I tell you what, the second I found out what the hell was going on and could put a name to it, I cut her out immediately. Before that I just told myself that's how she was, and she's my _mother_ so I have to put up with it. Cost me ten grand and a decade of my life, but I am free now, going on six months.
I hope you're doing so much better!!
I think that's a sign that you should leave. There's absolutely no reason to stay.
I did leave ❤️ and I’m sorry to whoever is also going through this the damage last long after you leave
Heavy heavy episode.
I just listened to this episode about the name issues and this is my first time ever commenting but I have a petty yet harmless response for the Mother in law who addresses them by the improper names --I work as a receptionist at a law office so I am constantly doing mail. We received a lot of mail for attorneys who have moved on to other firms. Within the first month I forward it to their updated addresses. But after I begin to write on the envelope “The person addresssed is not at this location. Please return to sender.”
The usps then mails it back.
I think the OP should start doing that on articles addressed improperly “The person by that name cannot be found at this address. Please check the address and name and re-send accordingly. Return to sender”.
You’ve got to cross out the person it’s addressed to get sent back but I think this would be a easy yet silent way of requesting to be addressed appropriately.
last story sounds to me like: *in the mother in law's voice* "omg, that's my only favourite son! and this b*tch he brang here destroyed everythig! how are our family name and origins gonna survive if she doesn't allow him and cant be convinced to accept his original surename 😫🖐!".
Last name only counts for a small part of family roots, even from European backgrounds. Your last name is at most 1/4 of your heritage (your grandfather's family). What happens to the mother's background? What about your grandfather's mother? If the last name has been changed, it's even less. Most last names are relatively new in the timeline of human existence, only about 1000 years old at the most. And that's the wealthy royal last names, which most of our ancestors are not.
What is Justin's spotify name?
For the name story- the mother in law seems to be doing it maliciously but the others who have sent things addressed to Mr and Mrs his last name may simply have assumed. I did not change my name but even some of my close friends send things to Mr and Mrs his last name. I have always assumed they just thought I had changed it not that someone told them I had
Is Justin also Reid Stefan?? Sound extremely similar.
Do you guys let people know whenever you’re going to use people’s write ins
Get a mom manager for ur wedding
Greetings from the future, September 2024, but should this time travel to you in advance, maybe a trial run with mom with NPD, like an engagement party or something. See how she handles herself, and base your decision on allowing her to the wedding, on her behavior at the “trial run”. That’s my best suggestion, I hope it all works out happily for the OP.
Uncle Albert I think is who you were thinking of
When my mother’s people came from Poland/Russia/Ukraine, they came through Scandinavia, and ended up as Johnsons by the time they got to America. Their real names are lost to history, as are the borders that used to exist in their countries of origin
Im sorry, but I i literally can not tell the difference between Jerry's and Uncle Jimmy's voice
For the last name story, are you sure the husband doesn’t regret changing his last name. If he was really happy with the new last name, wouldn’t he stand up to his mom and set her straight?
Oh my gosh they speak just the same
30:15 she probably misses the dad he could’ve been :/
The daughter in law who made the made up last name sounds exhausting 😅😅 like "you think she told the family u took his last name cause your getting cards saying Mr and mrs blah." Umm no more like it probably wouldn't have even crossed their mind that you didn't just do the normal thing and take his last name... "I didnt want to abandon my last name" you still abandoned it .. Like i literally was probably gonna not take my bfs name if we even get married but now i might because u were just exhausting 😅😅
Respectfully. 🤣-an idiot who opinion doesn't matter anyways. Do u .
Id say LIVE STREAM wedding for her....that way shes there but not in person....and if she gets testy u just hafta shut off stream...easy solution
Unpopular opinion: the last story is written by an immature individual. Both the writer and the in-laws are immature and petty. Truly there's nothing wrong with changing your name, but people and families tend to pull towards having a legacy and growing their family. By changing your last name and they're son's last name, it conveys that you don't want to be apart of their family or history. They aren't respecting you, certainly, but you aren't respecting them or their feelings either. "My last name doesn't reflect who I am" mentality, is childish. You aren't your name, you are your personality, character, actions, and interactions. If you think your last name needs to reflect that, the only thing it shows is shallowness and insecurity.
I totally see what you mean, but I’d argue that it doesn’t really matter if op is immature, they made a choice and it should be respected. It’s basically the same as changing a first name, it’s not disrespectful to the original family, it’s just what some people want to do
Ok, I was looking for a comment on story 5/ last story. I don't see how it is such a big deal. I feel like we are missing something. I didn't take my husband's last name, but his family, including extended when they sent us congratulations and mail as Mr & Mrs his name. I did not think much of it because they were making an assumption as it is typical, and personally I ain't picking that hill to die on. I said thank you and moved on. I think OP doesn't have the best relationship with the in-laws and there is a bigger issue at hand. Clearly the mother in law might be petty IDK but i don't think is to the point of distancing. They are still your partner's family and some level of respect is needed on both parties. If it is really such a big issues your partner needs to address that boundary.