I Don’t Want An LGBTQ+ Child | r/AITA
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- Опубликовано: 28 сен 2024
- Expected to go back in the closet and not wanting an LGBTQ+ child are a couple of the topics in today's Am I The A*****e episode.
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Do the “I’m not homophobic, but” people realize that actions speak louder than words?
I hope at some point they do
They don't even always have full awareness of their words, so honestly? Who knows how much else they miss
I think this is as a result of people not realising that empty flag waving is pointless unless backed by real change/support. It's like corporations putting up the pride flag while also lobbying for anti-lgbtq bills.
"I'm not homophobic, but [insert extremely homophobic thing here]"
If you're not homophobic? You never, **ever** need a "but".
@KateWick1997 What? That does not correlate with anything? They can understand what it is but being a furry is just who they represent if there here I think they know what it is
Telling kids about lgbt+ people is easy and harmless.
As soon as they were old enough to acknowledge boyfriend and girlfriend relationships we would just add "and some boys have boyfriends and some girls have girlfriends" etc.
Like, this is a thing that exists. You dont have to complicate it any further.
Not teaching kids about it doesn't prevent them from learning about it independently, it just causes them to learn about it online.
the parents that don't want kids learning about homosexuality want themself to be the first person to introduce it, so that they can control the narrative
I'm burnjng the Igbt fIag jn my profjle.
@ville2_silence, unwanted commercial content or spam
Fr, I did not know what gay/lesbian was until I was in year 5, and I'm still part of the LGBTQ+ community, teaching kids about it or not will not change how they feel. I was so confused as to why everyone was saying things about boys that I didn't feel, and even once I knew what gay was I denied it for 4 years that I was gay. ( for clarification, in this comment, I am using gay as an umbrella term)
That "You're not part of the community" line hit hard. I thought I was a lesbian and had exclusively dated women until I reached my 30s, and fell in love with a man. One of my gay besties exclaimed, "OMG, so you were straight all along?" (Yeah, that's why I was engaged to a woman for three years - I'm an undercover agent for The Straight Agenda! 🙄)
I still get hassled by straight people who can clearly see I'm not straight, but now that I have a male partner I don't feel comfortable going to Pride any more. I definitely feel excluded from both communities.
That really sucks, peoples are really weird with bisexuals (and everything under that umbrella) for some reason, lets make a bi army! :p
-fellow bisexual (omnisexual, but it falls under the umbrella and i felt like bisexual is the better term to use for this conversation 😅)
Feel that man. Being a biromantic asexual who has dated males a lot due to family expectations but now realizing I actually prefer anyone and any gender BUT a cis straight male. And ofc it seems the straight and lgbtq community shun us and we can’t be a part of either. Go to pride tho! Just because you’re dating a male does not mean you’re any less bisexual or any more “straight” you’re what you define your sexuality is! But I know it can feel intimidating and scary sometimes when you feel you can’t be a part of either community :(
When LGBTQIA+ people try to shun you from PRIDE, ask them what the third letter of LGBTQIA+ stands for? Ask them why they think you stop liking women because you are dating a male. Ask them if they think you stopped admiring a good attractive female because you are in a relationship with a man. Trust me, straight men check out other women even when they are in a committed relationship and don't have any intention of dating them (well, a lot of them don't cheat, but the cheaters stand out more), and I am sure the same goes for gay women and gay men, I know as a straight female, I check out guys bodies that work out all the time even when I am in a relationship. That doesn't mean I want to date them. Actually, most muscle men, I wouldn't date anyway. They are eye candy and that is all. There always seems to be a disconnect between muscles and the brain. The bigger the muscles the less brain power they have! I can enjoy the look but I am not romantically attracted to them. I like men who are intellectual nerds, who game, and build PCs, and are creative, or at least hold creativity in high regard.
All of this to say, that if you are bi, you are still going to get caught from time to time enjoying eye candy from both genders even though you are in a committed relationship, but because you are bi, the straights are going to take issue with it, even though these same straights pass around eye candy throughout the internet. I think I confuse my friends because I will comment😊 on a bodybuilder man, but then turn around and share some intellectual nerdy geek as "HOT". There is a word for people like me who find intelligence a turn-on more than looks.
I've definitely felt weird at pride, occasionally, looking straight with my partner when I'm trans and bi, and so are they.
same
It’s so bizarre to me that parents wait to tell kids that gay people exist. My parents have always had queer friends, and I was always just around them. It was never explained?? Queer couples were never treated any differently than the heteros we knew. And likewise, I didn’t really have to come out to them. When I was 13 I told my mom I was going on a date, she was like “aww, what’s his name?” I was like “it’s Sophie.” And she was like “sweet, don’t stay out too late.” End of story.
Sounds like your parents are pretty awesome
My parents never told me, but that was because they expected me to figure it out
bc of my dads friends who are a couple (and kind of like uncles to me) and their tenants from years ago who were also a couple
I was just oblivious
My and my tiny oblivious self thinking that two men sharing a flat with one bed, one of them slept on the sofa bed 😂
The first time I found out that Lesbians existed(brought up Catholic) was in secondary school when one of the girls in my class, told me NOT to be friendly to this girl from a higher class coz she was *whispers* lesbian. I asked her what the word meant and she said: Weirdos who are attracted to other girls. I got very confused: But she's not hitting on me and im a girl. Apparently that was the wrong response, I was supposed to snicker and laugh and carry on like the others, bullying her. I stayed friends, ignored the bullies(one more reason they hated me) who picked on me because I didnt have a bf, didnt want a bf and didnt want to get married/have kids so they'd sneer and go: Oh are you one too? And I'd go: Nope, not interested in either. We didnt have the Aro/Ace labels back then but that's what I would have been called if they had been around then. Somehow, we are even less recognised and some have told me I cannot be Aro/Ace if i'm cis gendered and had trauma in my past because I'm just being picky and using my bad experience for a reason not to date. According to google, a small % of Aro/Ace individuals have had trauma in their past but that does not mean it was triggered because of it. It's weird. The straights hate everyone who isnt straight, including Ace(which they dont believe we exist) and some of the LGBTQIA won't accept that A is for Ace/Aro because we can't be members because we dont really count because we are NOT attracted to anything. I can't win.
Your parents sound awesome!! I found out cause there was this dumb meme “ur mom gay” meme so I figured it out. I don’t think my dad wants my little brother to know what gay people are because my brother has told me that my dad “doesn’t believe in gay people”. Idk man homophobes are really weird.
@@starscreamthecruel8026 Acephobia is crazy...
On the lgbt center one:
This is her job. This is her area of expertise. He's telling her that not only her job, but the entire organization that she works for is unnecessary. She has every right to shut him down for that level of insult and dismissiveness of her and her occupation.
That's also a good aspect! And she's the expert and he's a guy who clearly doesn't have a clue, but a stick up his butt on how unfair this is. 😅😮
I'm burnjng the Igbt fIag jn my profjle.
My own mother told me it was “inappropriate” to tell my ADULT coworker about me being non-binary and to explain what that meant in a public setting because she thinks sexuality and gender are the exact same thing. Keep in mind, my coworker asked me to explain it because she genuinely wanted to understand the concept, we were talking at a relatively low volume, we kept the conversation PG-13 at worst, and there were no children present. But me explaining the concept of being non-binary to my coworker was something that should only be discussed behind closed doors, according to my mother. When I tried to counter with “if a woman walked into Walmart and announced that she was a woman, would that be inappropriate?” My mom shut down and refused to answer the question because “that would never happen” and she wouldn’t even entertain a hypothetical. I think it’s safe to say that no, that would not be inappropriate.
that just smells of transphobia
@@jotunfalls4026 yea, it was literally just her being transphobic towards me while attempting to disguise it as concern.
@mactepok31 lol, cope
This has actually happened to me as well… it doesn’t help that my dad is my boss
So does she think having mens and womens bathrooms identified is NSFW?
My 'not homophobic, but...' sister was confused when I told her that our bisexual cousin was still bisexual even though she was married to a man. I then asked her if she ever thought a man other than her own husband was attractive, and she was, like, 'oh'. It's *really* not that hard of a concept to have, so idk why people can't wrap their head around the fact that your relationship doesn't define your sexuality...
I feel like people often fixate too much on a word 'sex' in [whatever]sexual, so in their minds it IS first and foremost about that. Which is obviously ridiculous, and your example shows it very well. And to add to it - even very heterosexual people can judge attractiveness of the people of the same sex, in strictly esthetical manner, right? Like, I'm presuming people use female models in, say, female fashion magazines because other women are supposed to look at the pictures and go: oh, she's so pretty and cool, and she's wearing this dress, and so I'll be as pretty and cool if I buy the same dress. Not, like, oh, this girl is pretty, I want to have sex with her, so… I should buy this dress?
@@saneshko people fixate on the -sexual part so much they sexualize asexuality. Apparently being ace makes me dangerous to kids. 😬
@@saneshko The ones that conflate sexuality and gender issues into just " it's about sexual intercourse." are predominantly conservatives. To them _everything_ is about sex.
Partly it is because they are so sexually repressed. But I think there is an element of " that is gross and should be kept indoors... where all sex should be." They do not understand that two men holding hands as they walk down the street is not gross, and does not have to be kept indoors.
Ironically the very people that think two men holding hands in Public is gross, will then go suck face, but since it is a hetero couple,... that makes it ok.
Sometimes I despair that cis-hetero normativity will ever be curbed. I hope it will, as a Transgender woman, I hope for the day when me being trans becomes as worthy of note as me having Brown eyes, or being right-handed.
If what my married bi friend says is true, she's likely cheating on her husband or sleeping with women and her husband knows.
Whenever I hear something like that it makes me want to ask if they think everyone who is single is asexual. It just makes no sense.
I think the issue is that "I don't want an LGBTQ+ child because they will be treated poorly" is too close to "I don't want a disabled child because it will be too much of a struggle" (I don't think LGBTQ+ is a disability, more referencing the fight for equality) which also leaves the icky feeling when you hear it. It's okay to not want your kids to struggle with things, but pushing for a better world instead of trying to squash your (future) child's identity is more appropriate.
It feels icky because their essentislly saying like "I would rather this person not exist".. I think..
This. I surprised my parents twice, first with a congenital birth defect (incomplete left hand) and later with homosexuality (though I’m amazed we didn’t see that one coming). Most parents don’t wish for a disabled baby; mine spent close to a year mourning my hand. Personally I see how you people function at all with your gigantic left hands, but I respect your life choices as much as I can.
The thing is, we don’t get a choice about who a kid is, especially the ones made DIY. Every kid is a total roll of the dice. The only choice is what kind of environment we inflict on the kids we get. The problem is never, ever, ever with the child and who they are, which is why it feels icky to wish for the child to be a certain way in order to tidily fit our surroundings.
If you're not prepared to have a queer or disabled child, I have an easy solution.
Don't have a child.
Yep, my thoughts exactly! I believe the frustration should be directed to the outside world rather than a potential minority child.
@@LiEnby This is a really good point as well! It's pretty much going in line with the bigots idea that the minority shouldn't exist rather than fighting for said minority.
I had a girlfriend that was adamant about believing straight people should not be allowed at Pride events, and sick of seeing "straight couples" there.
But I was always like... What about people that are straight and trans, NB, questioning, bi people in hetnorm relationships, straight Queens and Kings, Asexual people, the list goes on.
I'm bi and Andro, should I not be allowed if the partner or even friend I'm with makes it appear like I'm straight?
Like the unfortunate opposite of "we can always tell" but instead with straight passing couples. Like is a bi or a t4t couple not LGBT? Very silly.
How about allies? Plenty of parents go to Pride events to show support to their children. Especially in countries where the LGBTQ+ community is oppressed and/or severely threatened I would say having allies openly show their support at the very least adds numbers and therefore protection to the parade / event.
what does andro mean? not trying to be rude ive just kind of not discovered all of the sexualities and stuff
@@Messier42-handlepretty sure it's androgynous
@@NathanielHeiss so non binary?
I love how we can't tell kids about lgbt people but we've been shoving straight romance down their throats since they're babies.
My cousin jokes that his son has "a girlfriend" like bro your son is a literal baby, chill tf out
I'm a member of the LGBTQIA+ community, and still catch myself thinking "Aw, how sweet! He has a girlfriend!" when watching my grandson talk happily with a girl in his kindergarten class. 🙄 Old habits & stereotypes die hard!
Honestly, have you noticed how they do this to their pets, especially dogs? A dog makes a friend of the opposite sex and both are de-sexed with the mental maturity of a toddler, and the humans are arranging a marriage for them??? I am straight CIS and I don't think the CIS Straights are all right???? Do they not understand the creepiness of the whole babies having partners as in romantic partners?
The boyfriend who's against LGBTQ+ pride gives off "I'm not racist, but" **proceeds to say something unintentionally racist** energy.
To be fair I'm not racist but humans are awful
u̶n̶intentionally
For real. It sounds like someone who says they’re not racist and that they’ve got no problem with any race, but hate mixed raced ppl.
It’s just annoying ppl constantly ostracize bisexual ppl. When they’re single they’re bi (or as bi as they can be with ppl demanding they present as one or the other). Then they start dating someone and are no longer bi, they’re either straight or gay. That’s not how any of this works. Your relationship doesn’t define you or your sexuality.
The boyfriend there doesn't actually understand how sexuality works. It's kind of sad.
He doesn’t seem to understand how being bisexual/pansexual works. Her being in a hetero relationship does not erase her bisexuality nor does her being in a gay one.
I will always despise the "they're too young to know!" types of parents. I had my first gay crush in kindergarten, I just didn't know that's what it was because I didn't know that was allowed!
It’s just a bs excuse bigoted parents give to outsiders. In reality what they really mean is that they are sheltering their kids from the parts of reality they disaprove of for as long as possible, and if it could be forever all the better.
Tbh i might found one ex-friend of mine attractive, but i was like 10 or 11, i don't know if these feelings were platonic or not. But that doesn't matter as he ditched our 5 year friendship & left me to dust, just to join many other people who bullied me
If only u knew how much hatred i have inside my heart
I don't have some perfect advice, but i sense the pain in this, and for what it's worth I'm sorry that ex-friend ditched you when it sounds like they were a refuge from the bullies. That's really crappy. And people didn't have the right to bully you, I'm sorry that happened as well. I also wanna just say that you're still *you*, no matter what happened in the past. So, it's possible the feelings were romantic back then. But of course that's for you to unpack when you feel ready.
I guess what i'm trying to say is:
1): Do your best to not let the actions of that ex-friend shut you off from discovering a part of yourself you may have felt back then, but have since buried. They treated you badly and don't deserve to make you more angry/sad in the present or near future. Easier said than done, I realize- but you deserve to feel better, even if things are crappy right now. When you feel ready, unpacking your romantic and/or sexual identity could be a positive and freeing thing for you.
+ 2): *Things do get better*. I know it may be unbelievable now, and it may take lots of time, as the future is unknowable. That can be scary and frustrating, yes, but also can fuel a sense of hope. A light in the darkness, however dim it may be now. But in the near future, that light can be brigher. Brighter than you could imagine right now.
All that said, I really, sincerely wish you the best. (Great username, by the way!)
-casey
@@theceoofeggmansempire5214
Same exact thing with me! My very first crush on a girl (well, excluding Shania Twain lol) when I was in first grade! I thought she was really pretty so I told her all the time that she was, and I saw that it made her happy so I kept doing it and always wanted to hang out with her. This was of course in the mid-nineties and I thought that gay just meant boys who liked boys (the only gay person I knew at that time was a guy who used to cut my hair), I had no clue what bisexuality or anything else was. I certainly didn't register my crush as a crush. Just because children may not have the language for it doesn't mean that they aren't already aware of it.
@@caseys2698 Well, i discovered ur message few hours ago. Nice Undertale refference, i never really got romantically attracted to men recently, only sexually
Tbh i was jealous of ace people too, but not in a bad way. I was self-aware abt it & they r always valid to me.
Thanks Casey!
The parents who pull out the "it's OUR job to teach our kids those things" are almost always the same parents who will never tell their kids about "those things" and just hope their kid never runs into irl
They're also often the parents who forget that it takes a village to raise a child, right up to the point of needing help.
Really, his response to "It's out job to teach our kids those things" is, "Stop blaming me because you failed to do your job." If the kid is old enough to ask about romatic relationships, they are ipso facto old enough to know gay people exist. It indeed is the parents job to educate their kids about it. And if the kid is asking other people about their romatic relationship and just finding out in response same sex relationships exist, it means the parents FAILED to do their job.
real. i think im honestly really lucky my parents actually tell me about this shit (like how im autistic) and dont really care what i identify as for the most part. the fact that ppl dont want other ppl to know about a solid 10-15% of the world population is so fucking stupid imo
Facts. I was kept in the dark about a lot of things growing up.
imagine if racists worked the same way homophobes do. "you can't show them black people what if they get confused?" SOUNDS MORONIC DUNNIT
Just exposes how dumb everything like this is. It's like "oh no! you're not fitting into my narrow world. I need to protect my kids so they don't turn out like you"...
Wasn't this actually a thing people thought at one point
I am betting that has happened at some point in history, lol.
it's not a one for one comparison but that was sort of a thing back in the day. Black people would only ever get bit parts on tv so when they aired the shows in the south they could cut the scenes with black characters out without making the plot unfollowable. I remember reading about how Hogan's Heroes deliberately put the black guy in charge of communications so if they cut his scenes out it'd be impossible understand the plot.
I think this still happens somewhere….
Saying a bi person is "straight at the moment" because they're in a "straight" relationship, is like saying I'm aromantic because I'm single at the moment. It just doesn't makes sense
Or maybe he just confuses his gf with a werewolf xD
Aww shit I guess I need to update my tender profile with aromantic bc that logic is flawless! xD
Bi-erasure angers me no end; so does the "pick a side" crowd; which is essentially bi-erasure.
I remember when Anna Paquin came out as bi, and Larry King was so confused because she was married to a man so "how could you be bi?" Um... because she's attracted to women as well as men, maybe? It's not a complicated thought Larry; try thinking for maybe 1 or 2 seconds before asking such a stupid question.
Literally a perfect rebuttal. 🙏🔥 Thank you for this lowkey.
@@JankoWalski-hz3lu I used the werewolf metaphor for my bisexual self earlier tonight! Whether in wolf-mode or person-mode, still werewolf!
The second guy really gives me the ick. It's clear that he doesn't understand his girlfriend's sexuality, but the way he talks about it feels very dehumanizing. I feel that him calling women "females" plays a large part because people who do this often voice opinions that are dehumanizing towards women 😅 I understand his culture plays a part in it and I do assume he's trying, but I do think he needs to sit down and think about his motivations for being this upset at her.
Edit for spelling mistakes
This is why we need to educate kids about non cishet identities.
It reads to me more as him being misinformed, but when misinformed people are properly informed, there’s a nonzero chance of them going the “no science is wrong” route so uh yeah still a moderate chance of them breaking up
@@kooskoos1234"The science is wrong! It conflicts what Judge Janine said at 9 PM on Fucks News!"
It very much has "I don't want my girlfriend hanging around people she might be attracted to because she might cheat" energy. And since she's bi, that sort of insecurity leads to not wanting her to have friends at all, which is obviously unhealthy, but sadly all too common.
@@ShinyTillDawn exactly!!!!! Because everyone knows the Constant Misinformation News Network is never wrong!!!!!!!!!!!
"My girfriend is bi, but she's not part of the LGBT community"
He must think the B is like BDSM or something?
BDSM is another acronym lmfao (don't woosh me you said a funny)
i made a community called hitler supporters, if you are a human being you are part of it (your logic)
The B in LGBT stands for British (says the Bi enby)
LGBT is not a community just like heterosexuals are not a community, so he can be perfectly right about it.
@@BriskeeenWrong, we all know it stands for Benjamin Franklin, smh
I've never had a "proper" relationship with another woman and have mostly dated men, but I'm still bisexual and will always be bisexual no matter who I'm with. I'd be so angry if someone told me I couldn't celebrate a community I'm apart of just because I'm in a heteronormative relationship.
The B in LGBT+ stands for bisexual. You'd think it would be easy for people to understand that.
I've only dated men, and was married to one for 18 years. I'm still bi.
I'm burnjng the Igbt fIag jn my profjle...
@@theshire9173Especially considering that majority of the community is made up of Bi people🥺. Please make it make sense
Broke: "I don't want an LGBT kid."
Woke: "I don't want an LGBT-phobic society."
I would rather a gay son than a transgender daughter. Because at least my gay son would be a healthy, fully developed, grown through puberty, sexually reproductive functioning sex organs, adult sized genitalia that function, not an'orgasmic, without blockers to prevent him to become an adult male.
@@LifeLiberty-rn6bq by your logic, he wouldn’t be able to use it properly, as he is gay
@@LifeLiberty-rn6bq Silence, bot.
@@LifeLiberty-rn6bqWell, no offense, but given the state of what gender dysphoria does to your brain, you'd most likely have a dead son.
This is the same as not allowing someone with schizophrenia to go onto the meds they need. Yes, it's hard to face reality and come to terms that your child isn't part of the 99% and is suffering from a medical condition that with our current resources and knowledge cannot be changed solely through theapy. But frankly, if you'd rather your child succomb to suicide than supporting their transition, you should not become a parent. Same way you don't deny a child a donor or chemo therapy when they have cancer.
@@LifeLiberty-rn6bq do you know how puberty blockers work?? it stops puberty only so long as you are on them after you stop taking them you age normally and start puberty again
Frankly, the easiest response to "you can't be bi while you're part of a 'straight' relationship with me" would be "we're not in a straight relationship anymore. Goodbye" Lol
Just my opinion.
If you want to choose when to tell your child about LGBT+ people, why don’t you do it before your child forms a valid question and expects an honest answer.
It's not about choosing when to tell them. It's just they don't like non-cis people
@@eriklagergren7124 I know that, but for that reason they can’t be upset when the question was answered, NTA.
i told my kids about gay people, in almost exactly the same language as OP, when they were 6 and 4 respectively. i think my daughter said something about how boys are only allowed to marry girls, and i just told her matter of factly "actually girls can marry girls and boys can marry boys. there are some boys who only like other boys and some girls who only like other girls. there are some people who like boys AND girls. legally people can marry whoever they want as long as it's an adult they're not related to."
@@eriklagergren7124 sexual orientation (gay/straight/bi) is not the same as gender identity (cis/trans). i think you mean they don't like LGBT people.
@@dietotakuto be honest those parents don't want their child to know about anything other than the cisgender/straight/hetero normative experience. So if they really didn't want their daughter to know about it or ask questions about it either they keep their daughter from the nephew or they should have told/asked the nephew to never say anything to their daughter. They did neither so they have to accept that the nephew will answer any questions their daughter might ask.
I'm lucky my parents accept me and my identity as a trans woman, though they were "buttholes" earlier in my transition.
I'm happy to hear that they accept you now, even if they didn't early on.
I would rather a gay son than a transgender daughter. Because at least my gay son would be a healthy, fully developed, grown through puberty, sexually reproductive gunctioning organs, adult sized genitalia. without blocking puvertu to become an adult male.
I would rather a gay son than a transgender daughter. Because at least my gay son would be a healthy, fully developed, grown through puberty, sexually reproductive functioning sex organs, adult sized genitalia that function, not an'orgasmic, without blockers to prevent him to become an adult male.
@@LifeLiberty-rn6bq ...I mean I get where you're coming from (i think) and trying to look at it as positively at I can but
You are aware that there are people who took puberty blockers and then HRT when older who turned out perfectly fine, right? And if you have a transgender daughter, their dysphoria would be likely to increase during puberty without blockers, which would likely have a very drastic effect on their mental health.
@@LifeLiberty-rn6bqi mean, i also probably wouldn’t wish being trans on kids because of all the incredible hardships that arise from that, societal and medical alike, but if your child *is* trans, transitioning care is genuinely life saving
If your child knows the word girlfriend, clearly you (or others) have discussed relationships with or around them. If they are old enough to understand that concept, they are old enough to know that there are different kinds of relationships. Your failure to be a good parent is not a reason to be pissed at someone else for answering a question honestly.
The key thing that needs addressing here is that the aunt clearly is categorising queer relationships differently to straight relationships, and the fact that she considers discussion of gay relationships to be something her daughter isn't ready for makes it pretty clear that the difference is that she sees gay relationships as somehow more sexual. It's easy to say "I'm ok with gay people" without acknowledging this kind of harmful idea. It's the same reasoning behind the don't say gay bill - a flavour of homophobia that insists that gay relationships are entirely and solely about carnal pleasure while refusing to acknowledge both the romantic aspects of gay relationships or the sexual pleasures of straight relationships.
I'm burnjng the Igbt fIag jn my profjle....
💛🥔 I have been coming into my bi-pride & the mentality that just because I'm engaged to a man that I'm straight was something that I internalized & invalidated myself with. 💔
From a fellow bi girl I hope that your fiance is like my husband and the opposite of the OP from that post. Mine is so chill about it and we check out b00bies passing in the street together now 😂😂 he fully has understood and accepted that I love him and that my attraction to women and men is exactly the same amount of threatening to our marriage as his attraction to women is.
@Ruby-yn5fp 💗 Aww! Yeah, I found a good one (this time 😅). Even in any talk with the kids, he is inclusive in his language, using "partner" if they ask hypothetical future questions for themselves & including that you don't need a partner to be happy if you don't want one. He approaches every conversation without assuming their sexuality. They can wear whatever they want from whatever section of the store, he paints all the kids' nails. 💗 Our kids will never have to question whether or not they'll be accepted.
@@kia.tarsia I am sure you will from your comment, but make sure that their toys are a mix of everything, and let them pick which ones they are attracted to. I am almost 60 and grew up a tomboy who was never allowed to play with "boy's toys". I am so glad that your kids have a father who will allow them to be who they are and wear the clothes that they want. I had to play basketball and soccer in dresses, and I was a sophomore in High school before I was allowed to jeans to school. I really love your comment and the painting of all their nails... OMG! I want to get a huge male dog and name it Tinker Bell, to piss off the phobes! Yeah, I am straight, but I am so sick of gender roles, toys, names, tools, hobbies, and so on and so forth.
@@Ruby-yn5fp I am almost 60 and one of my favorite memories from Fashion Design College back in the 80s was going to lunch at a sidewalk cafe, and watching the men walk by in suits with my gay male friends. We used to laugh so hard because I have no gay sense, so I was always asking, so is he one of mine or one of yours? Unfortunately, this was during the whole aids pandemic in San Francisco and that is where I attended college, and one of those besties we lost to aids back then.
@RiverWoods111 Yep, they get to play with whatever interests them. My 5 yo girl is avidly into all things bugs. My 8 yo girl's favourite possession is her fishing rod. They wear whatever they want, & the swing between frilly dresses to cargo shorts & superhero capes. Us adults do & promote the same thing; I love building so I demo'd & built our deck, all the tools are mine & my favourite Mother's day gift is my impact drill. My fiance would prefer to cook & do the laundry, his favourite Father's day gifts are a chef style apron set that says "We love you!" from the kids & his convection oven. We independently tried to be the societal norms with exes & only found our match when we stopped pretending to be stereotypical. 💗
Say it with me, people!!!
YOUR SUFFERING DOES NOT DETERMINE WHETHER YOU'RE A PART OF THE LGBTIA COMMUNITY
Your suffering is not a requirement to be part of us, it's just an unfortunate side effect of us being us and people not liking that.
You're loved, you deserve love and don't anyone tell you that you need to suffer a minimum to get it.
As a AMAB turned NB seeking HRT I'm excluded from the transfem hate for now. However I'm still transgender. I'm still seeking surgery and hormones.
But I'll be dammed if people want to exclude me from the suffering. I wanna stuffer too! XD
In all seriousness. I fully agree. Be you Trans, ace, bi, gay, etc. you are absolutely still part of the LGBTQ community and realistically always will be.
And I sure as hell would lend ya a hand on the condition ya don't go hating others from here.
I'm burnjng the Igbt fIag jn my profjle....
it's also. asking people to suffer before they "get" to be part of the community. it's promoting imposter syndrome, and missing the whole point overall. we WANT queer people to not suffer. the very idea some who don't, or rather who suffer less, exist is fantastic. it shows we've progressed. but if the LGBTQIAP+ movement is supposed to ONLY allow those who suffer, progress would innately shrink the community - making it eventually ineffectual at actually creating or upholding what it exists to create. like, don't get me wrong, in a perfect world, we wouldn't need the community or movement either. but a gatekeeping community will fall short far beyond that point, because if we can earnestly say there are still any people suffering for who they are (which, in this hypothetical would be the prerequisite to anyone being in the community), then we're not there yet.
Tell that to the Ace community. If you're Ace there's a lot of people who try to invalidate that they're part of the LGBT community as well.
@@JerryCasual006nah, trans and non-binary are two totally separate categories. You cannot categorically belong to both.
You are a valid part of the LGBT community, but you are not both non-binary and trans.
14:50 “Straight Pride Events” Like what, football games?
HELP
As a trans gay aunt, telling my nieces i am gay is 100% my perogative. I have made it abundantly clear that if my brother wants his kids to know their aunt I will anwser their questions honestly when they ask about it.
Also life hack to being the cool aunt/uncle: tell kids the truth unedited in terms they understand.
I can’t wait to get a girlfriend so i can tell my niece that she doesn’t need to follow her mom’s rules.
Kids do not thrive under parents who don’t teach them things. They are going to learn about the world whether you want them to or not, if you don’t help them, all it will do is make them resent you.
For the community center one, imagine saying this about healthcare. "You should just go to a normal doctor for your cancer, all Doctors are the same".
I think the thought of someone not wanting an LGBTQ+ child for the child's own future and wellbeing BEING uncomfortable comes from a sense of feeling like having someone tell you to your own face "it would've been better if you weren't born this way", as if you were cursed to suffer the moment you were conceived or some sh*it... I know folk who think that don't mean it that way, but it stings when you think about it 😢
Reminds me an awful lot of the anti-vaccination movement, which was primarily motivated by "I don't want my children getting autism."
This proclamation means that *even* if they knew vaccines work, and that the benefit of having them properly administered to your child means they wouldn't have to deal with debilitating diseases, that was somehow not worth the non-existent risk of autism. Because to them, a child being autistic means they are imperfect, and they don't want an imperfect child, even if it means losing their "perfect" child to a preventable disease later.
It's disheartening.
@saltymcnuggies you are putting it in words perfectly. really hurts if you think about it 😅
I dont necssarily agree. My mom came from I think kind of the same headspace. I came our to her as pan and she was so loving and asked me questions about about it because she couldnt understand it fully at first. But she said to me "Im sorry for the discrimination you maybe will have to endure due to your orientation". I really dont think it necessarily comes from a place of hate or homophobia but rather a lack of understanding/education.
On that last story, maybe it could have been said in a way like "If conditions for LGBT people changed before I had my kid, I'd have no preference, but with the current difficulties, I'd rather not have my child be LGBT and thus have to struggle".
Pretty much nobody wants their kids to suffer, but chances are that they will in some way or another. It's like saying "I'd rather not have a kid with a disability" or "I'd rather not have kids with an autoimmune disorder", etc. On the one hand, yeah, those are perfectly reasonable statements. But also, on the other hand, if you're not prepared to have "difficult" children... then don't fucking have any.
@@Stinkehund indeed thank you for your contribution
@@Stinkehundi always feel very weird about people saying this about other people.
to say you'd rather I not have them is to essentally say you'd rather I not exist and a completely different person exist in my place.. (and honestly I feel the same about saying it about LGBTQ+ people too)
Which is kind of something im very not okay with.. which I think is kind of understandable
honestly children are going to suffer no matter what and if u arent ready for that dont have one
@@LiEnby What are you even talking about?
14:34 damn, this OP can really rot in a pit. Hope the gf becomes his ex, and doesn’t have to deal with that shitty ass bi-erasure just because her bf is insecure.
They don't want an LGBT child?
Don't have kids then.
What are you on about? Not every kid is gonna be LGBT
The second one was posted 4 years ago, but I find myself hoping that dude’s girlfriend was able to safely leave him and did do with a quickness. The misogyny was just as strong as the homophobia / biphobia. That whole “she makes me look a fool” thing completely icked me out. I was married to someone like that, and it’s often very much tied into an inability or unwillingness to see others as fully human. To him, I was basically a malfunctioning toaster when I deviated in any way from what he thought I should like, be or do. Not an autonomous human.
having allies during the pride parade is so much more meaningful than not having them
Listening to the first story made me think of when I was younger and asked my parents about sex and relationships etc I would get "I'll tell you when you're older." I'm 38 and they still haven't filled me in on all these things.
When I asked my parents what a condom was, they said "look it up."
I'm burnjng the Igbt fIag jn my profjle....
People really need to learn that people in straight-presenting relationships aren’t always both straight…
So I'm in a poly relationship.
None of us are male. One of us is Cis and I'm NB.
If you saw the three of us walking down the street there are four possible outcomes.
1. Gay couple with small female friend.
2. Straight Couple with male friend.
3. Lesbian Couple with Male friend.
4. Group of girls.
Yup. Try and sort that one out. xD
I'm burnjng the Igbt fIag jn my profjle....
Me who just found out that my brother's girlfriend is actually bi: I agree.
The story about the boyfriend keeping his girlfriend from going to pride got me HEATED. I have never gotten the ick from a post so hard in my entire life. Bi-eraser really drives me crazy. He may not be homophobic but he's definitely biphobic. Throw the whole man away
I think parents especially often forget that children are just people. Maybe smaller, with different experiences, but still human individuals.
It will always frustrate me when they think that they have the right to control their children so much
Yes I feel the same. And 7 year olds are very intelligent and can understand a lot more than people give them credit for.
It's because these are the kinds of people that see children as property to possess and control.
Yeah, a lot of people see children as property. Or even servants.
I have an elementary-aged child. My father has told me she'll end up in prison because I don't spank her, instead choosing to talk to her and help her learn about her feelings and how to calm down when she's upset over something. I know hitting kids shuts them up pretty fast, because they become scared, from having been spanked myself. It also taught me I cannot trust my dad with anything important ever, and I avoid him as much as I can in my 20-odd adult years so far. I will ALWAYS be thrilled that my child knows it's safe to show me all her emotions and that she knows I will never ever hurt her to get her to shut up. When she comes to me and cries, when she tells me how something has frustrated her or made her so angry she wants to scream, when she's so happy she's bouncing off the walls, all of it. She's a person. Could you imagine going to work and your coworker having a hard day and perhaps whining or even crying and you HIT THEM to shut them up?! HOW is spanking still not classified as child abuse? It boggles my mind. Having experienced it I can tell you NO, I don't "respect" my parents, NO I don't trust them, NO it never stopped me from doing what I wanted, just made me be more careful to do it in secret.
Sounds like the 19 year old girl in the final post needs to get busy doing all she can to make her part of the world a better place for LGBTQ+ people to live - not only for an LGBTQ+ child she might have, but for all the LGBTQ+ people who are all someone's children.
Not part of LGBTQ+ community, but autistic with chronic depression, and I saw friends part of the community coming out and facing homophobia, transphobia, etc. I had the occasion to teach my family about the LGBTQ+, what are the terms, the struggles, the ways to show support etc.
And when I had my diagnosis for my mental health, I was met with the same kind of "I don't have a problem with it until it's in my life". Took me 4+ years to make them understand depression and how it's real and serious, now I have to do the same for autism (and in my country we not the best for diagnosis and information etc). For them it's either "you're not autistic, that's for little boys who can't speak" or "who told you that? you're smart so you're just HPI!"....
Whatever the reason, feeling your identity, part of you denied and suppressed, not even seen by your loved ones, is really an upsetting feeling. The only solution my friends and I found was to sever or at least lower contact with those who don't accept us, to protect ourselves.
For the third story, it’s like how I needed speech therapy as a kid. Every kid mispronounces things and every kid needs to learn phonics and articulation to be understood while talking but I needed a lot more help and correction because I’m hearing impaired and I had a bad speech impediment. All kids need love and a safe space but the lgbt kids need an extra safe space because there’s a lot of hate in the world pointed at them. Maybe he would get it if phrased that way?
I’ve never understood why people confuse being bi with being non-monogamous 🤷🏻♀️ Just because you’re attracted to more than one gender doesn’t mean you’ll be unfaithful.
Says more about them I guess.
Right? I'm bi and don't want to sleep with other have any relationships with EITHER gender.
So I’ve had this debate with my mum 🤣🤣 (I’m bi I came out a couple of years ago). She could accept me more if I was straight or a lesbian but she doesn’t like the idea of bisexuality cause to her she’s worried that implies to a partner that I’m with that I’m still looking at others sexually(can’t even remember her exact words that entire conversation was draining and confusing as fuck 🤣😅🤣). It doesn’t make sense because the argument holds true for straight relationships as well by her logic. It’s just cause we’re sterotyped as being ‘horny’ so everyone assumes that we are extremely sexual when all it means is that when we are looking for a potential partner we have more options (potentially) than a person that is Gay/Straight because we have a larger portion of the population to pick from.
Just a reminder that non-monogamous individuals are not necessarily “unfaithful.” (Many) people who are not exclusive with their partners hold consent and communication high on their priority list. If one has more than one romantic and/or sexual partner does not mean that they are doing so (or would do so) behind their partners backs.
Unfortunately those who go behind their partner’s backs to be non-exclusive does taint the reputation of polyamory and open-relationships. And that is something to recognise, but it should not define what being non-exclusive is.
@@faithpearlgenied-a5517 Not to force terms onto you, but have you explored being aromantic?
For the last ones, her edits made her NTA imo. The culture she lives in isn’t helping but she is trying to better herself by listening to opinions and I think it’s the most honest and cute edit I’ve seen on Reddit. She is happy to listen and improve. That’s what makes her NTA.
I’m AFAB and went to pride and told my boyfriend (now ex 🤭) that I was bi and his response was a very snotty ‘of course you are’ lol byeeeeeeee
Jamie, thank you for your words on behalf of us "straight privileged" queers! As a very stereotypical bi in my long-ago youth, who's now been in a straight-passing relationship for the past two decades, it's only pretty recently I realized that, while I conquered my internalized homophobia 20+ years ago, I was still carrying around so much internalized biphobia and bi-erasure--this feeling that I didn't have a "right" to be part of the LGBTQIA+ community. Because we never quite fit with either gay or straight folks, and sometimes they let us know it and sometimes we can just feel it. Thankfully my straight partner has always been super supportive, and I feel like the queer community has become a lot more welcoming too in the intervening decades, but so many people still think we're all just defined by whomever we happen to be involved with at the time. But being LGBTQIA+ is a whole culture, a whole life experience. Honestly I feel more queer now as a suburban mom married to a straight dude, than I ever did as a pixie-haired 20-something living a much more "alternative lifestyle." And we all deserve significant others who can appreciate and celebrate every part of who we are.
As a stereotypical bi 20-something, this was something I really needed to hear. Thank YOU.
@@AW-xc1xc aw, that made my day, thanks to YOU! Gotta love the intergenerational stereotypical bi support 💗💜💙
I'm FtM, but apparently have "straight-passing privilege" because I look female and my partner looks male. Despite the fact that both of us, individually, do not look straight. And that we're both on HRT. And Bi-aces. And that my supposed "straight passing privilege" is directly tied to my dysphoria because it's based on gender. Lmao.
Look, anyone that cares about that kinda shit outside of the purely theoretical is just a gatekeeper trying to become the boot.
Tbh i, at times feel disgusted when think of having sex with a guy. So in these fantasies i think of myself as a girl.
I'm bi btw
If your love for your child is conditional don't have a child!
What if your child commits murder over and over again?
@@ShinyTillDawnthen they are probably old enough to not really be a child anymore
@@ShinyTillDawnthen you should probably help the police find them?
@ShinyTillDawn do you think being gay is like committing murder?! What a strange comparison to make.
@@twistedmind3323 Who said I was making a comparison? I was providing a counter argument to OP's post.
The idea of Shaaba trying to tell you that you couldn't go to pride is just hilarious to me. I'm imagining it and I don't think she could even say it with a straight face 😂
That makes a lot of sense!! I also think that language/translation was a major barrier in fully understanding the mindset of the last OP. There are a lot of words in many languages that are difficult to translate well, especially for a broad group of people and when discussing a sensitive issue, which OP expressed in one of the updates.
You cannot ‘get’ Downs Syndrome as a result of being born prematurely!
on the last story, my mum said she wished I'd been...something more normative...? (might've been straight. might've been neurotypical. I have forgotten which). she gave the same reasoning, but it still felt far more "I wish you were a different person" than "I wish you could have an easier life".
I think the point is that sexuality/gender is really deeply integrated into us as people. first crushes, coming out, childhood memories imbued with the trappings of a gender we no longer claim...any of these things could (and often do) form core memories. the hypothetical "cishet version" of us doesn't have those inherently queer core memories, and so are completely different people.
and by the time OP knows if they have an LGBTQ+ child or not, we know it'll be far too late. not only will they be who they are, but that will have been shaped by that to the point where hearing this will just sound like "I wish you were a different person".
I knew two of my uncles were bi and gay respectively by like age 4, even the few relatives that were 'that's nice" about it were always just like "yeah everyone knows why wouldn't the kids also be aware." mentality.
I think it’s because they think that they want to keep it from kids for as long as possible thinking their kids might start thinking they might be gay. I reckon some parents would never want their kids knowing about anything LGBTQ+ 🙄
I have a similar experience. My mum's cousin was with his now husband for as long as I can remember and I never saw their relationship as any different than my parent's relationship or my aunts and uncles.
Similarly, the only issue that I had with p!nk's "I kissed a girl" was the cheating on the boyfriend.
I'm burnjng the Igbt fIag jn my profjle....
@@lisahenry20 that song is by Katy Perry (but I agree about the cheating issue)
@@taiyouscandalous1175 ... What? It's been over 10 years and I've never realised? I guess I was so sure about it that I never thought to check 😂
But I literally remember the first time I actually focused on the lyrics and I'm sure there was something about it being sung by p!nk. And I used to listen to a fair amount of Katy Perry (admittedly it was the same few songs that I had downloaded, so it's not like I was constantly searching through her songs), I can't believe I never noticed.
That's a very embarrassing mistake I made, I'm still in shock. I've gotta check to see if p!nk ever did a cover of it and that's what I've been thinking of all these years.
I've encountered the parent version of the last AITA person - I (queer AFAB) had accidentally told my friend (pansexual female) that i liked her when I was drunk. We had a conversation a few days later, where she had said she had told her parents (they didn't know she was pansexual previously) and that basically it would be better for her if she wasn't in a relationship with a woman. Let's just overlook the misunderstanding for a second as I am unfortunately used to it as someone who is agender. My friend told me she understood where her mom was coming from as she was just worried about the discrimination she would face. I tried to tell her that that is valid, but that it doesn't change ur identity as pansexual and it shouldn't mean you have to only be in relationships with men just so you don't get discriminated against. That was the end of our relationship, but I just wanted to share because it shows how even well meaning parents who have these sort of views can hurt people.
Also dw about me, I am now happily engaged to a beautiful woman and am pursuing a career in psychology, so hopefully that'll help me kick some homophobic ass xxx
I think the thing that people who aren't queer don't understand is, pushing people into the closet is discrimination. "I don't want my child to be discriminated against" doesn't hold up if you're going to push them in the closet to keep it that way. Shot in the dark though, I guess.
Good to hear@stoplgbtb. Because we don't want you.
Also In is not spelt with a J
Not bi, but as an asexual I totally felt the too straight for the community but not straight enough to be straight arguments in the second bisexual post because I’ve been a victim of gate keepers in the community multiple times and seen as weird by straight people who try to “mansplain” or whatever you call it and gaslight me telling me that I just need to get my hormones checked etc. because asexuality doesn’t inherently exist 🙄🤦😩😡. Thank you for making me an outcast simply for not feeling sexual attraction, like that really matters in the long run, ugh.
My problem with "I don't want my future child to be LGBT+" is why she even brought that up in the conversation. She can probably list a hundred things she don't wish for her child, and she chooses to talk about this.
I wouldn't go as far as that. It may very well be, that she's around LGBT+ people and sees the struggle and all the homophobia directed their way. The same way, if you have been close to a person with cancer and have seen what it can do to a person, your first thing to mention would be: "I don't want my kids to have cancer." There is too little infotmation here to make definite proclamations about her intent.
@@rissaarei5336Comparing LGBT+ people to cancer doesn't make you look less homophobic.
@@ravenfrancis1476 Wow, nice reach there. No, I didn't compare ANY people to cancer, I'm talking lived experience here. Yes, the comparison could have been better, but I'm actually talking from my own experience. My grandmother died of cancer. If I ever had kids (which I won't, but that's another matter), the first thing to wish for them would be that they never experience the pain of living/having seen what a slow, painful, wasting away disease with a high mortality rate is like. Likewise, if I were living in a sociaty, which is extremely homophobic and see it firsthand, I'd wish my kids weren't part of LGBTQ+. Not because I'd hate my kids, but because I'd not wish it on them to esperience the persecution and pain it involves. Thtat's why I don't think the person is necessarily homophobic. As I don't know them personaly, I can't judge.
It'd be interesting to see someone's take like: "I don't want my kids to be lgbt bcuz there's ton of suffering that comes with it"
I'm bi btw. I'm just curious abt many things. I was antinatalist, so i thought a lot abt suffering & it's prevention
@@rissaarei5336 The problem with the comparison is that no one says "for me it is no problem if my child gets cancer". We can instead compare it to a white woman saying "I don't want to get pregnant by a black man, because I don't want my children to be exposed to racism". It can easily be perceived as a racist statement.
2:38 i don't agree to "it's up to the parents". That 'rule' allows for raising your kid with very limited access to factual information and indoctrinate them with any kind of crap. If you, as a parent, aren't teaching your kid diverse information in an open-minded way, then it's fair game if other people do. No kid should live in a bubble where there's only two adults influencing them. What are you afraid of? Is it that your kid might make up their own mind and believe things you don't believe? Such is parenting. Kids should become their own people.
I'm bi and before i was out as a trans man, i was with a straight man who also said "well you're straight now because you're in a straight relationship". Infuriated me. How can people be SO DUMB??
You should go back to him and say:
"Well I guess you are gay Because you dated me, a dude"
And see how that turns out. xD
I'm burnjng the Igbt fIag jn my profjle....
“You’re a professional race car driver?”
…
“But you’re not driving a race car right now.”
The second one. I feel so much
Non-binary, but panromantic and Asexual.
I'm in a straight presenting relationship and the number of people that tell me I'm straight with extra steps is a struggle.
Ugh. I'm non-binary and aroace and so many people just can't manage to wrap their heads around the idea. So freaking many have asked me why I bothered to come out if I don't want to date. Like because my existence isn't dependent on a relationship status?
you do matter @@waffles3629!
Just not to people who base their whole existence on finding someone they can complain about to their friends for the rest of their pitiful lives.
I'm burnjng the Igbt fIag jn my profjle....
Hi! So this comment stopped me for the reason that we literally have the exact same sexuality/gender (although I’m still questioning on non-binary any may just be a Demi girl). Anyways I just wanted to say it was really cool to see that because I’ve never met someone with the same sexuality! ☺️
9:45 Internet Uncle-Gay🏳️🌈 here! I say this guy needs to buy a, "I'm not gay but my girlfriend is," T-Shirt and just _go with her to Pride!_
Dude, you're dating a bi-girl, that makes you, "Family-by-proxy," and definitely Ally. You belong at Pride just as much as your bi-GF. And Bi visibility _is _*_vital,_* and always has been.
_Edit:_ Okay, seeing the rest of this, I think the OP's girlfriend needs to DtMFA. Dude, you Are Not in sufficiently good working order to be in a relationship.
The one with the BF who won't let his apparently sweet and kind bi GF go to pride is just nasty... like you don't deserve her buddy. Such a narc
27:44 See, my issue is, you shouldn’t **want** a girl or a boy anyway. We are already treading on weird territory, you should want a child regardless of anything. So yes, saying you want a straight child is essentially the same as saying you want a girl, but they are both bad.
Everyone told me being not a girl or boy isn't something worth mentioning. Just count the blessings in my life. I'm just trying to be special .
And I tried not to be special. Now, I don't know what's what anymore. But whatever I do is just for attention. I'm 25, I should've grown out of this phase long ago.
There's a surprisingly large number of people who hate any kind of difference, who want everyone to live in cookie cutter suburban homes and all do the same boring things, keeping their heads down and being "normal". Being visibly different isn't just in opposition to those expectations, but those people are scared that others might realise they can be different too, and that might punch holes in their ideal of a perfect, boring, prescriptive suburban life. It's easy to say and hard to do, but don't listen to these people, they hold us back, both as individuals and as a society. Normal isn't good, normal is average. Be better than average.
Yeah you should have grown out of a long time ago, if it were a phase. It's clearly who you are and who you were meant to be. For most of us trying to fit in, in what ever situation, identity or sexuality usually come to a point where we have to decide if we want to live our life for them or for our selves. I was in my early 40's before I was able to choose what was best for me. I chose me. I no longer have contact with family but have found joy in myself. I no longer live to fit into other peoples molds of who I should be. I am autistic and queer and therefor often come off as rude because my brain works differently. If you are nonbinary, be nonbinary. Stop trying to fit into the mold of who they want you to be, even if they keep on believing you're doing it for attention. It might mean you need to cut some people out of your life. Move to a new place (if you're able) and be out from day one. Find your chosen family, find the people who will lift you up instead of putting you down. You go live the best life you can. Be happy.
Let me start by stating the assumptions that I'm making based on your comment. Please correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like you're having thoughts and feelings that you might be nonbinary (or perhaps you've even declared that you are nonbinary). I understand how that must feel. I am a trans woman, but earlier in my journey to discovering this, I went through what some people might call a "phase" of identifying as nonbinary (which I've come to see more as a point in my journey where I accepted that I wasn't a man but wasn't yet ready to accept myself as a woman). However, while the nonbinary identity may not have been the final destination in my journey, I know that it is the final destination for many people (not to play the "some of my best friends are nonbinary" card, but they are and I know that to be true for them. Even if it turns out to not be true in the future, it is true now, and I will respect that.)
Anyone who says that nonbinary people aren't real or that you don't need to tell people that you are nonbinary don't understand the struggle of being nonbinary in a world and society that is so fixated on that binary (now more than ever). As I said, I've gone through a time in my life where I called myself nonbinary and used gender neutral pronouns, and I would get misgendered left and right, so yes, it is quite often necessary to tell people that you are not a girl or a boy and you're not doing it "just for the attention" or "just to be special," you're doing it in an attempt to get the same basic respect that every cis person receives when they are gendered correctly. So don't listen to anyone who tells you that your gender isn't real or that you don't need to tell people. You tell people all you want and all you feel you need to because you do deserve to be respected just the same.
Edit: typos
I’m going to guess this is a sarcastic comment about transphobes and what not going “it’s just a phase!!!” but either way hope you have/can accept yourself as who you are and find a good environment for you to be you
I’m going to guess this is a sarcastic comment about transphobes and what not going “it’s just a phase!!!” but either way hope you have/can accept yourself as who you are and find a good environment for you to be you
11:22 yknow what a huge problem here is?
that would require people to realise that attraction outside of your current relationship exists and most people experience it.
I think a good solution to that guy not wanting his girlfriend to go to pride would be if he attended a few event with her. That would allow him to educate himself about what its really about (and maybe get rid of some of his own insecurities) while also show her that he does support her and her identity.
I think it's telling that people verbalize hoping their child isn't born into a minority before they verbalize wish society was kinder to minorities. It means they've normalized descrimination to an extent that they find it easier to imagine their child not being a minority than society changing for the better.
That first story just reminds me of a time I went to a party at a friend's house. Her family was there, and she was introducing her little niece (who I think was 5 at the time) to some of her friends. She pointed to me and said, "That's my friend [my name], and that's her husband [my husband's name]." Then she pointed to another friend of hers and said, "That's my friend [his name], and that's his husband [his husband's name]." Just said it very matter-of-factly, introducing her gay friends exactly the same way she had just introduced her straight friends. And what do you know, her niece was completely unfazed by it. Just took in the information like it was all totally normal, because it was. People who act like children will be scarred or traumatized or confused if they find out about gay people are just projecting their own homophobia onto said children.
That guy with the bi gf kinda hit my heart, cause as I bi person, Ive always felt I don't fit in in any box
obsessed with the lesbian lighting thank you jamie
I know from experience that hiding the existence of any sexuality other than straight from children until they’re “old enough” is how parents teach their kids to be homophobic. You tell them their entire lives that heterosexuality is the only option and they likely won’t even consider that being attracted to someone of the same sex is even possible. Then when they’re older (often well into adolescence) you finally tell them that it is in fact possible. They’re going to be confused and maybe even a little upset. You’ve just flipped their entire concept of sexuality, love, dating, and marriage on its head! That makes it very easy to encourage them to process their confusion through fear and hatred
For the last story, I think the ick about it is how it's putting more of the focus on the child being gay rather than society being awful. "I don't want my child to be gay because life would be harder for them" puts focus and (unintentionally) blame on the child for something they ultimately cannot control. Whereas the statement "I don't want my child to face discrimination" puts focus and blame on the issues with society, where it belongs.
I’m my school some teachers have a sign in there rooms saying something along the lines of prioritize queer kids safety over the comfort of adults, and I just wanted you to know that
For the last story NTA. It is truly a feeling of safety concern for their child not homophobia. Also Jamie your feelings are the same as when I, a disabled person, hear people say they don’t want a disabled child. It feels personal and like they won’t love them because of things we have experienced in our personal lives. When you back up and look at it without emotions, it makes sense.
I don’t think the girl who doesn’t want an LGBTQ child is overtly homophobic if she kinda wants a picturesque white picket fence family, **however** I really don’t think people should be having kids if their approach to it is, “I want ONE boy who is exactly 5’ 10” and TWO girls who are TWINS and they LOVE EACH OTHER and they’re all STRAIGHT and we’re HAPPY.” By forming those expectations you’re setting the kids up to fail, because, guess what, kids aren’t your dolls or your marks of achievement or something, they’re people, and the chances they will match up perfectly with your pre-conceived concepts of them is so close to zero it might as well be zero.
Basically she’s not seeing the potential kids as people. And it’s possible that she would if they actually existed, and that this is a non-issue, but it’s also possible that one of her kids will come out as trans, gay, or otherwise LGBT and she’ll spend a long time crying about it because now her kid isn’t going to be the normal, pretty cishet girl/boy with a spouse and 2.5 biological children. That’s pretty common for parents and it’s what my mum did, and it’s a horrible experience from the kid’s perspective! It can even be traumatising and can permanently alter the parent/child relationship (even though I forgive my mum now, I’m definitely never going to think of her the same way, and a small part of me will always be aware of the fact that she didn’t see me as my own person for so long, and that she might not even still see me that way). Also, if her kid is bi, there’s the possibility she’ll do the thing where she not so secretly “just hopes her kid will settle down with a nice [opposite gender]…”
And what if her kid is disabled? Will she still be able to appreciate that it’s her kid and she should still love them? Idk. Just don’t like this mindset.
Bc of those reasons I wouldn’t call OP “TA” but also it does make me uncomfortable.
For me when it comes to telling kids about gay people my opinion is and be aware I am a lesbian myself is if the child is of an age where they can understand the concept of a relationship. of 2 people being together in a romantic way and understand what that means then they are old enough to understand what gay people are especially if there is a gay person in the family who either has or will have a partner that the child is going to be around. If the child understands what a relationship is and like what dating or marriage or whatever is then they can understand that sometimes a girls date girls and boys date boys. The average age where a child has that cognitive ability to understand that concept is usually between the ages of 5-7 so actually that child is the right age to understand it. like she clearly understands what a girlfriend is and like who she is in how she is connected to her brother so there is literally no reason why she wouldn't understand about a boy dating a boy in the same way.
If a child is old enough to ask a question, they're old enough to get a truthful answer.
When my kids were a preschooler and a toddler, my sister, a lesbian, and her girlfriend, were coming to see us from out of town for the first time in a few years. I was calling them Aunt B and Aunt C. My older one asked, because he remembered Aunt B but hadn't met Aunt C, and who was that. So I said that B & C live together and love each other the way Mommy and Daddy do. That was all I had to say to explain it. It's not hard and I don't get why some people think it has to be all complicated and difficult.
@@PlatinumAltarialol, they can ask some really big questions even at a very young age, but that doesn't mean they need to get the encyclopedia brittanica answer. Simple answers like the one the OP gave to his cousin in the video are often fully sufficient.
@@cathleenc6943 OP's "simple answer" was truthful. nothing about being truthful implies an age inappropriate way of answering, just that theyre not gonna cover up being gay.
@@cathleenc6943 I don't know how complicated a question you're getting from a kid but the answer to "why are those two men kissing" is "because they love each other". I don't know why people act like this is an ordeal.
Oooh, I have feelings on that last one I need to unpack as well, and I'm not sure I'm doing any better than you are, Jamie.
I can get the "I'd be afraid for my child if they turned out [this particular way]." And I want to give final OP complete benefit of the doubt for limitations in expressing themself in a language that's not their native language.
But I also think in the pre-having-kids stage, it's very seductive to think of some ideal child that you are building to your own specifications with custom elements you choose rather than YOU ARE CREATING A NEW LIFE WITH THEIR OWN IDENTITY AND NEEDS. I guess...there's a difference between "I wouldn't want an LGBTQIA+ kid" and "I am really looking forward to getting to know any kid I have and will love and accept them whatever, but I don't want the world to crush them"...?
It really sounds like, basically, final OP is coming from a place of empathy, at least for the most part, and is willing to keep listening and learning...that's the most important part, and ultimately how the culture in less tolerant communities will change. The fact that their friend was so willing to stand up for LGBTQIA+ folks also gives me hope.
I don't think you meant to type "seductive"😅
Just fyi since I agree with your comment but noticed the typo
I'm burnjng the Igbt fIag jn my profjle.....
16:27
This is like saying "Oh, you're single? So you're Aromantic then."
**No**
frr 💀
a similar thing (atleast imo its similar) that happened to me, was that some friends i came out to as gay (when i was still cis and gay) asked "who do you have a crush on" like...???
straight people dont need to have a crush on their opposite gender to find out theyre straight, why would it be different for gay people?
Me: *reads title*
Also me: *panicks in agender youth*
Imagine being a woman who has identified as lesbian her entire life, and when you find out you're bi, the first man you go out with tries to take you out of your sexuality???
my main thing with the first one too is that gay people exist in public spaces. parents can wait to tell their kids all they want, but they cant expect to control when/how their child gets introduced to the idea. imo him telling his neice in a family setting is probably the best way for her to be introduced
For the last story, even with the person not wanting an LGBT child because they don't want them to face discrimination, that still rubs me the wrong way. It reminds me too much of my grandmother who would bring up how "she didn't want mixed children because they would face racism", but she specifically said this to me when I, a white person, was dating someone who was black at the time. The fact that that was her sole input to me dating someone outside my own race was VERY telling. I have learned from that experience with my grandmother that there are many ways people will hide their discriminatory thoughts and feelings by wrapping them up as concern for someone else. I definitely feel like the person saying they don't want an LGBT child has some other homophobic stuff under the hood, because as a parent, your focus shouldn't be "I don't want this type of child because they will face these issues", it should be "if I ever have this type of child, how can I be the best person in their corner" imo. Granted, I will also accept that perhaps my past experiences with my grandmother using excuses like that to shield herself may very well color my view, but because of that, it definitely makes all sorts of flags raise on that.
Giving my 2 cents here i guess the problem with the last AITA is that the solution for "my current/future child is going to suffer discrimination because society doesnt like lgbtq+ ppl" is NOT "my child shouldn't be lgbtq+", but instead is "we have to work very hard to change the way society is"... So, I think this is where the ick (that you said you couldn't pinpoint what is was) is rooted
The second guy just feels like the type of guy who secretly brags to his friends that he « turned a lesbian straight », and now thinks that his girlfriend might want to go back to being gay
The last question about the woman not wanting to have an LGBT kid is a situation I understand. My mom had a similar response when I came out to her. My dad is super transphobic and they had not divorced yet, so she was mostly worried for my safety around him. She has since learned a lot and educated herself and become an amazing ally. She's always been extremely supportive of me and I am so proud of her for the work she has put in to educate herself on how she can best support me since I'm LGBT and she is not.
All that said, I agree with you, Jaime that it gives me an uncomfortable feeling to hear OP say that she doesn't want an LGBT kid, even though it's for the kid's own sake. It rides in a similar vein to the uncomfy feeling I get when I people talk about not wanting their child to be disabled. The potential for your child to be LGBT or have a learning disability or physical disability or any other of numerous things that would make their life difficult for them in ways that are different from how you life is difficult is inherent in having a child. I do think voicing aloud the idea of not wanting your kid to be LGBT is rooted in internalized homophobia because you have no control over who your future child would be. Accepting a loss of control is hard, but I think saying you don't want your child to be LGBT is merely marking that you are scared your child will be different from you in a way that makes their life hard and you don't know how to support them and it completely discounts the richness of life that diversity gives.
I want to be sympathetic towards the person who doesn't want their hypothetical child to be lgbt+ (at least assuming they're being honest about their reasons) but reading their clarification about their reasoning just makes my dad's words echo through my head. He also claimed that he didn't want me to be queer for my own sake and that I was 'choosing a difficult path' when I came out as trans. Seemingly, though, he had no qualms about contributing to making that path difficult, judging by the fact that it's now four years later and he still refuses to call me by my name or use my correct pronouns. I think he just used the difficulties I would face in society at large as an excuse to hide his own distaste and disappointment.
5:38 Not related, but I had a simular issue. I have a few disabilities and I was often told off by other parents for ''scaring thier children'' lol. Either on the bus (people move), or in the library where I used to work. The place was always full of kids, they liked me, they talk to me, and the other staff and we would play kids games. Some parents didn't mind, but others accused me of upsetting and scaring them, and yet they always had a fun time. Some went as far as removing their kids out of there. The parents was the ones who was upsetting thier kids, not me. The world is unjust and cruel.
You know, as a baby trans, watching this channel is like my comfort channel because idk I guess seeing an adult trans male living as a male and being easily seen as a male is, inspiring, maybe? I guess it gives me a sense of hope like, "wow, this guy is transitioned enough to likely not get misgendered (at least not often) and seems to have a healthy life as a male. I bet I will when I'm older, too!" So what I'm trying to say I suppose is thank you for making videos ❤
Last story: if you are not ready to have a kid who is LGBTQ+, disabled, or otherwise is not what you expected or wanted, then you need to fix yourself significantly before you can have kids. She's 19 and has that time, but if she doesn't and her kid isn't to her standard, she will likely, even if not intentionally, treat them as lesser. It really feels like its internalized homophobia if she would rather be upset at how her kid turned out instead of putting in the work now to make sure they can live in a world without hate.
I'm pansexual, my daughter is straight.
But my daughter and I both go to pride, she comes along as a trans-ally (my best friend is trans female and she is very close to her and even calls her, "her bestie")
The boyfriend who didn't want his girlfriend to go to pride is a silly billy. He could go along in support of his girlfriend
They ruined a perfectly good aśśhole by giving it teeth 😂
I'm shaking what does this mean
@@husky0098it’s not literal it means the person is being an asshole with their words and it’s kinda of a joke
@@supermangarritano6636 Oh ok I get it now, the mental image was just very jarring
I'm burnjng the Igbt fIag jn my profjle......
I am really thankfull for this video. It was really a relief to hear you put words, and kinda understanding what I go trough right now. My child came out as trans yesterday, and I am fucking terrified for him. And yes I would have preferd for him to be cis. Bullying, agressions, insults will be part of his future life and I know I will not be able to shield him from all of it. And it is killing me ! My daughter (gotta get used to that) is a beautiful person not because of her gender or sexuality but because of her empathy and kindness, because of her bad temper sometimes, because of her dreams and aspirations... I have considered myself an ally and documenting myself on LGBTQIA+ issues for quite some time and your channel really helped me to react to her comming out without doing everything wrong😁. Sorry to vent here, seems stupid, but I feel like it might help me to be strong at her side. If that makes sense.
If you want to react to this comment, please, remembre that english is not my main language and that everything I am writing here comes from a place of love. This being said, I am of course ready to listen and to learn.
Congrats to your daughter! And yes, I do mean congratulations. This is a good thing. I understand why the first things that come to your mind are negative (bullying, aggression, insults) because that's nearly all that the media says about LGBT people. There is hardly any discussion of the good things about being LGBT.
But there are some! Your child has an insider view on boy's culture that cis girls do not have. If she dates men in the future, she will be much better prepared to recognize immature partners who really only want arm candy to show off to their friends, lazybutts who only want housewives/substitute moms, and the like. She would be better able to vibe with male friends because they would share an understanding of male culture. No pain from periods. No risks of pregnancy. She gets to share memes with trans friends and laugh about shared experiences. Or even with cis friends! I saw this comic once where a trans girl talked with a female friend about how much they both desired a larger chest. You just...unlock this ability to vibe with people in a way you couldn't have vibed with them otherwise. I don't know how to explain it. And having had multiple perspectives over the course of your life grants you a much wider understanding of the world.
Don't dwell on the negatives (unless they become tangible and dangerous, of course!). Focus as much as you can on celebrating the positives. New haircuts. New clothes. Most likely, new kinds of friends. Celebrate the joy. Don't treat her like she's cursed. And good luck to the both of you!
I'm glad yu were able to react positively, and I wish you and your daughter all the best
As a queer kid whose parents can't be bothered respecting my identity, I'm going to add a few ideas to help you transition (ba dum tsch) to using her new pronouns.
Don't put the weight on her to correct you, although you should still make sure she is comfortable correcting you. This is your job, and correcting people can be insanely scary, especially shortly after coming out.
Correct yourself mentally if you even just misgender her while thinking about her and not speaking, it'll help you switch. I do a little chant every time I mess up with a friend.
Try pinching yourself, but if you mess up aloud, just say the correct word and keep talking, don't make a big deal. pinching yourself can help this stick, and indicate to your daughter that you are trying.
@@caspergotlost Thank you for youy insight. I feel that misgendering her sometimes will not be a big deal as long as she knows that I do my best and support her, and that apologising profusely or showing my annoyement at myself when I fuck up would be counter-productive. Like you said, this is a ME problem.
Right now I don't know how it will go, since she is still a he. She is afraid to come out to my ex wife and she asked me to keep refering to her as a boy untill she is ready to come out socially.
I would love for her to come out so that she can be herself in public, but it is not for me to decide. When she'll be ready, she'll do it. And I'll be there for her.
@@certharx418 I'm just glad that I can help you in any way! A thought - I'm not out to my parents, but I am to most of my friends. With those friends, I use small gestures to indicate which name to use, and for them to ask me, because they don't know what situations I'm comfortable using my chosen name in. We use the hooked finger from the ASL for ask to indicate they want to know what name to use, the ASL "C" for the start of my chosen name, and the first letter from my deadname as replies. You can hold it at your side so it isn't obvious to a third party. Everybody being on the same page is incredibly useful! I wish you and her the best of luck in this journey!
the second one reminds me of one time a girl in my class asked how gay people knew they were gay when they werent in a relationship, it was painful to try to explain, especially since she just ignored me
I had similar one-sided conversations with cishet acquaintances about how, according to them, LGBT+ people don't need safe spaces because whatever reason. It's super exhausting.
Pro tip for better relationships: if you love someone, you will communicate well with them (or at least work on communicating well and try your best!), this means talking about your insecurities and needs AND listening to your partner's insecurities and needs. In having open and understanding communication, you can work on being comfortable with your partner, and giving them the love they need. Sometimes that means letting them sleep with someone that isn't the same gender as you, and, in my experiences, just letting your partner have the freedom to talk about the idea of that is usually enough to satisfy that need. In doing that, you will start feeling less insecure because they know you care and wouldn't want to give you up for someone else. Plus, you can get fun interactions like agreeing on someone being sexy, it's liberating.
Also if he likes women and you like women you can compare crushes. That's what my boyfriend and I do. We know that we wont stop finding other people attractive just because we're in a relationship, so we just talk about it a lot and find out more about each others types and desires.
I'm burnjng the Igbt fIag jn my profjle......
@@ari-cu6ql You get it perfectly. Plus, 3somes can be a fun way to mix things up, try new things with someone who you trust and love!
"I can highly recommend my wife shaaba" GRRAH I LOVE LOVE SO MUCH
Also hi jamie i just went to my forst pride this past weekend and had a very good time and its good to hear stories related to pride and queerness now :)
That first one I could 100% see them in future talking to their daughter saying something like "Your cousin is broken and does these bad things but we can still love and pray for him."
13:50 - I mean she's facing that discrimination _in her current relationship_. I'm not bi, but that must be rough coming from one's supposed partner. Don't think I'd stick around honestly.
I can understand not wanting to have a queer child in a country where that would make their life infinitely harder, so long as the parent personally doesn't hate their kid for it. Like. I know I have a lot of privilege being an LGBT person in the US. It is - for the most part - safe for me here. But I would be terrified if I lived someplace where there are legal ramifications for being out, or caught doing gay ish, or whatever. It makes sense to hope for the best for your kid, even if it's dumb that you have to. Doesn't seem like an asshole move to me, just someone caught someplace where you have to hope for stuff like that so your kid doesn't get in trouble or killed or something.
None of us turned out to be anything but straight - technically my bro and I are both demisexual - but mom always made sure we knew she wouldn't care if we weren't straight. She made she we knew she wouldn't care what we were or what we were into so long as we're good people. That's all she ever cared about. That's all that should ever matter.
@@leunamreyo3663 that's hilarious coming from a transtriggered child!!!
@@leunamreyo3663 Maybe people wouldn't push back so hard if parents dropped the attitude that they're the authority on their kids' identity. You're blaming the wrong people here.
I've started reading your book, and its made me emotional at multiple points, hearing others stories, have brough me comfort and the feeling of being less alone. Thank you
24:47 This is a very simple point made complicated because of how delicately it must be worded so as not to communicate that they may see their child as lesser if they do end up being LGBTQ+. Acknowledging that society may mistreat your child for who they are and hoping your child won't have to risk facing that but loving them the same regardless, versus hoping your child doesn't turn out a certain way because it would be easier for everyone if they weren't. I'm hoping OP was able to clear things up.
For the girl that said she didn't want lgbt kids. It's not that she is being homophobic. But it's like that saying about the difference between being non-racist and anti-racist. She is being non-homophobic, not anti-homophpbic. Rather than hoping her society changes to be less bigoted, she is hoping for straight children. There was nothing in there about wanting to help bring awareness to her family and society to open their minds during the time during the time until she has to deal with this issue. She is being complacent.
true but she couldve worded it way better like "I wish we didnt live in such a judgy world or something"
I'm burnjng the Igbt fIag jn my profjle......
Huh.
I've heard 'super catholic' as a reason for homophobia but not 'super irish'... but sometimes being 'super irish' comes with being catholic so I guess that makes sense. I also think it might be a bit different from what Jammi says, not 'controlling when their daughter finds out about it' per se, but more like 'not letting our daughter find out about it at all'. Maybe that's just me, though.
And yeah, not the asshole on that one. Simply mentioning that you're gay isn't teaching them about anything. Like, the only information they could have gotten from that is 'gay people don't like girls'. And like, maybe it lead to their cousin asking questions, but I feel like the uncle would have mentioned that if that was the case? But no, all he mentions is his wife getting bent out of shape about it. Like, someone having knowledge about something doesn't mean that they suddenly know all about it. I know about quantum physics, but I sure as hell don't know everything about it.
...Also what is that guy's problem? He mentioned that she was going to pride with several of her friends, some of whom are straight, and some of whom are gay. SOME OF WHOM ARE STRAIGHT.
Not to mention she's clearly not straight herself. She's been with girls before, she's attracted to girls, and she's attracted to a guy. She's bi.
I also couldn't imagine Shaaba doing that, but that's not because she is bi rather than anything else. xP
I also would not say that a guy being in a relationship with a guy would mean he isn't straight. Like, sexual attraction and romantic attraction are different things.
"maybe I'm wrong" no 'maybe' about it dude
I can see not wanting your child to be from the LGBTQ+ community and I don't think that on it's own makes them an asshole...
But if you end up having a child who is in the LGBTQ+ community and you just don't want to deal with it/support them, THAT'S when you're the asshole.
I'm "super Irish" (idk how much but both of my parents are Irish and have Irish parents etc. so I'd say the vast majority of my family tree is Irish) but I'm not homophobic, being Irish doesn't mean that :(
I'm burnjng the Igbt fIag jn my profjle.....
@stoplgbtb Have fun with burning a piece of fabric.