The Toxic Part of the Kink Community
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- Опубликовано: 29 ноя 2022
- From toxic masculinity to toxic dynamics. Kinky or not you'll be sure to avoid toxic sleeping with today's sponsor, HELIX SLEEP if you're looking for a great deal at HelixSleep.com/Watt for up to $200 off your mattress and two free pillows on us ;). #helixsleep #ad #wattsthesafeword
Today we go over the toxic parts of the community according to the community! What did we miss?
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From toxic masculinity to toxic dynamics. Kinky or not you'll be sure to avoid toxic sleeping with today's sponsor, HELIX SLEEP if you're looking for a great deal at HelixSleep.com/Watt for up to $200 off your mattress and two free pillows on us ;)
Just let them know that I will be eventually buying one of those damn mattresses at some point on my life. Very soon. When it comes to sponsor's time on your videos, I want you guys to know that it is very much so good quality advertisement. I still think it is silly, but now, after a couple years, I am thinking about buying one!
@@siskananamuk47yes! i watch them through every time xd
Toxic masculinity IS NOT REAL
I find there’s a lot of ableism in the kink community. I’m a person who has both mental and physical disabilities and I find that no one wants to take the time. I always disclose my disabilities in my profiles but I find the few times I’ve gotten far enough to meet someone in person, they eventually get weird with me and leave.
I'm not into kink and idk if you're queer but the queer (not Gay) kinky folks are the most accepting. I know of several queer crips into kink and as a disabled queer our circles run adjacent and maybe I live in a bubble?
I have the same issue. The second i "want" to bring my service dog with me when I'm having a bad medical day, I'm too "needy"
I don't know about your disabilities specifically, this isn't you specifically
But On the other side of that, kink requires that you be fully cognisant of what you are doing so that you are able to consent properly and on the physical side of it, BDSM especially impact play, is a very physical activity.
Certain disabilities can present extreme challenges to partaking in BDSM, say for example, brain damage or quadriplegia and amputation.
Can a person with certain types of brain damage consent or have the necessary judgment to know when to stop?
If a person doesn't have the use of thier limbs, How do you tie them up or how do they give impact play?
If a person is blind they might not be able to aim a single tail properly and it may present a safety concern
These are the sorts of things that kinky able-bodied people may think when dating a disabled person
Its not always out of a maliciously seated desire to simply be nasty to the disabled, sometimes it is out of a lack of ability to adapt and out of concern for safety and not wanting to be ill-prepared for any additional responsibilities that come with being partnered with a disabled person.
@@edmundprice5276 that's fair, it definitely isn't one size fits all. I have fibromylaga and PTSD from SA among other things. This does not impair my judgment, but it may impair others. I think a safeword is more important in my case, seeing as pain play may hurt me more and I might get genuinely frightened, but I can still participate. My point is that some have higher support needs (in my case, my service dog) and people in the community sometimes see me as a "normal person" who shouldn't have higher needs or even just a NSFW toy they can use at their will.
@@brockingandrolling9542 so in a case such as yours i might think,
would i traumatize you?
Do i have a phobia of dogs?
Would i be able to be supportive enough to your additional emotional needs?
People who think they’re doms but are actually in fact just looking for an excuse to be controlling objectifying jerks.
Tell tale signs you might ask?
-No interest or willingness to do aftercare
-they treat you the same way in a scene as they do outside of a sexual context
-they believe they are entitled to your consent as a dom and are unwilling to put in the work to earn your trust first.
-they do not respect your boundaries, or make fun of a boundary you have to wear you down
Value yourselves folks- being a sub doesn’t mean you can’t expect respect. You’re in control, don’t give that control to someone who doesn’t deserve it.
Trust is such a big one! I had a dom that would push the smallest boundaries (I have a thing where I don't like my ears being messed with) They would see how close they could get to my ears or try to play with my ears and instantly the trust was broken and I stopped playing with them :P
Oop. The receipts
As an experienced Dom, my best advice to a sub, or anyone seeking a sub/Dom experience, before you consent to anything, go out for dinner first, have a prepared list of topics of potential needs and desires, does and don'ts you can discuss during the more relaxed meal setting.
Communicate those needs, listen to theirs and negotiate.
I know it sounds a bit transactional, but in any kink scene with someone new, its worth the extra steps when you approach it that way.
You have a nice starting list, just don't be afraid to communicate your needs.
By the end of the meal, you should have a fairly good idea who and what you're working with and whether or not you want to proceed any further.
Worse case scenario, you had a nice meal out.
I would also add:
- giving punishments outside scenes without telling why you are being punished, and doing it in a way that is triggering to you 🙃
There we go, now it is the list of all the things my first dom was 🙄
Gotta add some more to this:
-Doesnt respect your safewords
-Does extremely dangerous play for punishment
-Pushes you to be something you dont want to be
My second dom did some screwed up crap after continuing punishment when i called red.
Yes omg. The "BDSM as a therapy replacement" and not realizing that "doms have boundaries too" is an awful combination. I'm so glad that people find an outlet in kink and it's great if I can be a part of that, but I am straight outta there when it gets into a one sided therapy session. I know where my boundary is at and I'm not biting off more than I can chew lol.
I just feel the need to say I've run into a lot of men in particular who have co-opted sex positive language to use in a harmful way. Ie: calling me closed minded and not accepting for having hard limits, or saying I am "gate keeping" for vetting them as to make sure they are safe to play with 💀
One problem I've ran into while trying to get into my local k ink community is that almost all of the events are HUGE and in loud, busy environments. As someone with an anxiety disorder that is currently quite severe, I can't go to large gatherings or bars or even restaurants sometimes. No matter how much anxiety medication I take it will not be a good time for me if I go to a bar! So for me I would have to have someone come with me that I know and trust who would stay with me the entire time and be ready to leave with me if things get too intense.
Why can't we have munches that are quiet and sensory-friendly? Why do they have to be at bars? I don't even drink! I get that that's a good option for a lot of people, but considering everyone's needs and making more low-key events here and there would make a huge difference for people like me with anxiety and sensory issues or autistic and other neurodivergent people.
And on a bit more personal note, sometimes I feel like it's impossible for me to find community or even friends when the littlest things are overstimulating and anxiety-inducing. All I can do is hope that one day my anxiety disorder won't hold me back so much.
I've been to a couple munches that were in my area that were thankfully in quiet spaces. One was in a bookstore that had a little cafe upstairs and the other was at a diner that was never busy that early on a Sunday (two different groups).
I highly prefer going to ones in those environments because it makes it loads easier to get a feel for personalities.
As someone who's been in the furry fandom for over 12 years, I've been getting called a dom by complete random strangers. I've had random people come up and just start rubbing against me or sit on my lap when I am reading a book or having a conversation. I've even had someone crawl into my bed while I was sleeping. I had never been so freaked out in my life. I tell them I'm not their sir or dom, and then get blamed for having a "dominant" looking fursona and should stop tricking people. I didn't make him for you, I made him for me. It is one of those things where if you knew me, or even took the time to talk to me and ask, you'd know how much of a complete sub I am.
Cheers to you talking about toxic dynamics! With love from Texas!
Question, do they draw those assumptions from your 'sona's fashion sense or the choice in animal? I ask because the Lion in your name that may not be connected at all.
@@TheoRae8289 I'd assume it stems from the general design the 'sona, height, muscle tone, countenance, fashion sense, piercings, etc. What can't be shown in art or the visual design, is quite dissonant from his nature. The literary concept and the written works used to describe him, says all that needs to be said.
It's a bias that people have. A lot of people automatically assume that tall, muscular, hairy people, are doms.
I can relate to this a lot. On my afterdark account so many people ask me to dom them, when I literally have it written in my bio "I can top but I’m not a dom".
People are so desperate for femdom, that they do not respect my boundries. :(
Also like. No one says you can't HAVE your old school dynamic, as long as you roleplay it within a negotiated space where everyone consents to it. That way it's deliberate rather than toxic and gatekeepy and you don't assume things about others and step on their consent.
thank you so much amp for mentioning fatness specifically. i've been interested in joining the BDSM community for almost 20 years but i've been afraid to do so because i'm worried i'll be ousted or ignored or worse for my weight. i figured i would probably never have the opportunity to find out for sure if BDSM was actually something i want to do, or something that just sounded nice in my mind. i still struggle with it a lot, but i'm trying to overcome it with the help of some friends. hearing you say something about it on your platform really made me feel seen and valid. thank you for your work, and for Mr Kristofer's as well - watching your videos is always a highlight of my day.
Maybe it's just the groups I'm in but every time fatness is brought up there are tons of people saying how hot that is, and if some asshole say it's not attractive people dogpile on them (it's okay to find anything unatractive, but it's usually best to keep it to yourself)
There is no wrong way to have a body!
I'm fat and have been active in the East Coast kink scene for just over a decade. The scene has plenty of folks with all body types. I've never been so accepted and even celebrated for my body type. Fatphobes are few and far between, and generally get shouted down.
I am a smaller person who is attracted to fat people. I like how secure and soft they feel. In the end however, it's the person inside that turns me on and makes me want to keep playing.
Have you filled out a green sheet you can use online and off? Are you willing to travel places or are you tied to one area only? Some people like to meet up several times before any play happens. Don't settle for less. This is about your joy and pleasure.
I don't know if anything changes for you in the past year but I am sure you'll find your way in if you didn't already. You are a valid & welcome person in the community if you want to be in it. I wish you all the best
This is gonna be dark but it is something that needs to be talked about but isn't. I'm a big true crime junkie, the amount of times kink or "kink gone wrong" is used as a scapegoat , a get out of jail free card or a excuse used for attempted murder or murder usually by chocking. This should never be allowed to be used in court. True kink\BDSM people #1 rule should always safety(safe words paint at to on to your partner to know if they are really enjoying it or not) & pleasure to all if u are using that much pressure on someone to where they can't speak or worse hearing & ignoring them that isn't kink/BDSM that is seeking your own deranged pleasure at all cost with no care if your partner survives. So please be careful everyone make sure u can trust your partner and if at any time you feel uncomfortable or something just doesn't feel right leave! It didn't matter if its just a date or playtime you own your consent so you CAN take your consent back at anytime even if your in the middle of playtime. Your life is more important than someone's ego or hurt feelings! Again I'm sorry for going that dark on you guys its just something I never hear anyone talking about it we all need reminded from time to time that not everyone has good attentions that there's true monsters out there... Please Be Safe Everyone!!
@Snickers that is terrifying! I was in a DV relationship were I had no choice so ik that feeling. I hope nothing like that ever happens to u again that in itself is enough to cause trauma!!!
I had a conversation with someone about one of my kinks and he decided to try that roleplay scenario without even consulting me beforehand or asking my consent
With you or someone else?
I'm in between your two ages and find your conversations fascinating ❤️
My unfavorite toxic thing from my experience, off the top of my head: domly dudes assuming I'm submissive because I'm a woman. 🤮🤮 Also (generally the same domly dudes) assuming there's no difference between "bottom" and "submissive." I bottom for rope, but I'm not submissive.
Blaming someone for refusing to play with you after you trigger trauma for them even if they don't blame you they just express that the trust was broken for them. On this also expecting someone to safe word when they are in a clear trauma/ ptsd flashback- I bought into this for a long time until I processed that the partner who triggered me knew I was in flashback and we'd discussed before play that I sometimes go nonresponsive when in flashback. Not realizing I was in a nonresponsible flashback state and continuing upsetting but understandable- realizing it and continuing trust breaking and for me red flag / toxic behavior. We all bring our pasts into the scene because that is part of us.
D: I'm sorry you've had to experience that.
I'm so sorry to hear you went through that. :( I also go non-responsive due to my trauma and didn't even know until my current partner triggered me when I attempted to bottom. They've been through stuff too so they were able to recognize it and stopped. EVERYONE should be giving that same kind of respect and understanding. It's not something that you can control. And if someone blames you for 'killing the mood' or something for reacting to a trigger, you should drop them in an instant. That same kind of attitude was what got me the traumatic experience to begin with. It's not worth risking it with that kind of gross individual.
I wish more people would see the difference between kink and sex addiction. Not all kinky people are addicted but some people are and that isn’t kink it’s illness.
i have been a dom myself for a long time and got into being a sub just a while ago and have not once met a dom where i would feel comfortable submitting cause they either dont play safe, are intimidated by knowing i used to dom for a long time, want to submit to me, have no understanding of the psychological part of bdsm, dont play without drugs etc etc.. the list goes on.. its quite sad tbh. i dont wanna praise myself here but i was a pretty good dom lol and its really sad that i have not once met someone i feel comfortable doing something long term with :/
Yeah.. How can you find something “in my opinion .. that makes no sense. Like the pup said in the video. It’s about disrespectful consent. It’s like saying you’re looking for healthy poison.,
But that’s awesome you a good person.
That's a really sad state of things. I'm primarily a sub but have wanted to Dom for years, but I could never find any sort of mentor who didn't turn out to be actually abusive.
@@TheoRae8289 I’m just wondering what mental healthy, happy, positive, normal stable person gets turned on by abusive behavior towards others, and also limit this behavior only to sex, and sexuality?
How common is that? IMO
BDSM seem like the perfect community for toxic people looking to pray on others because the lines of abuse and kink is so thin and blurred.
@@Monroestevens306 Part of me really feels like you should look into all the other kink-related videos on this channel. And probably look into Evie Lupine as well.
Abusive people exist in literally all communities, not just kink. And not all kink revolves around pain or humiliation/degradation.
What you're displaying right now is a *blatant* conflation of kink and mental illness. Athletes smack each other on the ass all the time and no one calls them mentally ill for it.
That mindset is what keeps non-traumatized people from wanting to explore what they may or may not find pleasure in, and frankly that's disgusting because this exact sort of othering is what aids in abusers infiltrating the kink community and going unseen for years.
@@TheoRae8289 I was interested in this kink and my first experience was with someone who was just abusive. But I couldn't tell what was abusive behavior and what was part of the kink because they pretty close. I was traumatized. And from many of the comments I've seen on this video and other sites it's seems to be very common. And the athlete thing made no sense..
I am a boring, middle-aged, cis straight woman, and you two are by far my favorite people on RUclips. I love your relationship, the respect you have for each other, and your sense of humor. I learn something with every video, whether it's about terminology, current trends, the law, ANYTHING.
The most annoying has to be that being nude or scantily clad means consent. Atleast in my scenes luckily that is rare it's honestly more of a vanilla world problem. I go to kink events with thousands of people most nude or close to it and I know very few people that have issues I've never had someone touch me without consent not even a hug even at the couple orgies I've been to there was always permission asked
theres a lot that worries me about wanting to connect more with the communities out there, but my main one always comes down to being a trans gay man. you guys always come through and remind me that there is space for someone like me in these communities
As a female presenting genderfluid I have a lot of anxiety about this. I don't experience dysphoria/dysmorphia so much, but I absolutely feel that I am not welcomed into spaces of gay men. Of course I kinda understand, but it is just painful when I am most attracted to gay men as a male. I'm just happy that the spectrum is getting bigger and I am able to find people who at least are ok with me being myself.
I wish you would talk more about racism in the kink community.. This is honestly something that I have been struggling a lot with. I have noticed it where even other people of color will be like "I only want to play with a white guy". It is just pitiful because I have even been fetishized due to my race and this is coming from a Cis Dom! Plus I can just tell when I am talking with someone how they just aren't interested in me due to my race or willing to listen to me even when they're supposedly against racism. A while ago though I did have a white woman approach me and we were play partners for a short amount of time but then she ghosted me :/ Honestly just sucks because she was one of the few white friends who I had that I genuinely felt like understood me and was what I consider close. It wasn't a romantic attraction to her per say but she was a very intelligent and confident person who I still think highly of.
Love love love that you both make a point of accepting and acknowledging various genders and pronouns.
Maybe not fully kink related, but my biggest challenge in our community has simply been getting older as a bottom. I’m in my mid-thirties, very fit, tatts, bottom, and prefer guys older than me. Unfortunately, and much more prevalent these past few years, guys over 40 only want thin twinks between 18-21 (many in my area saying 18 or 19 only).
I think a lot of it has come down to all the popular porn sites and porn stars who are doing the whole “daddy/twink” genre like Maverick Men, Dr. Wolf, Ray Dalton, etc. All the older men are trying to be like them and it really sucks for us 30+ who are now deemed unattractive/undesirable to most in the community. I know I’m not the only one who this fad has really taken a toll on overall well-being.
The teacher joke 😂 I nearly fell off my chair. A great video as always and really informative
I need a Domstitute
Assumptions about roles are a big oof for me, especially when you tell them "Hey I'm not actually a top/bottom/dom/sub/whatever" and they keep referring to you that way.
I recently had to deal with harassment from administration in my local puppy community here. I used to make all sorts of events that people asked for that were specifically out of bars. Certain people saw this as competition rather than help for the community. They tried going against their own legal rules given by their group status with the IRS to change things without bringing it to the community for people who pay money for membership to vote on. Things to specifically silence me like “all non-(won’t say the group’s name here) events will not be allowed to be mentioned until further notice”.
After being told things like this to everything I did to try and make the puppy community here a better space, after being muted, removed, and muted again (currently muted because I asked the admins to stop harassing me), I lost a lot of will to help.
Eventually I had to threaten them with legal action and told them I’ve obtained a lawyer and gathered countless pieces of evidence.
Definitely made me want to not be as pawsitive for this community. Why should I work to make others happy when those in power for the local community get envious and jealous of it and do everything they can to bully and harass people out? (I’m not the only one this has happened to either here)
And I know it sucks not just for myself but for others as well. In telegram, lots and lots of people came to me saying “You’re Kovu!? I’ve heard of your adventures reach the other side of the country!”
Or even been told things like “you’re such an inspiration!” because I live my life as a puppy both in my professional and private lives and I showcase it while providing inspirational quotes/words of wisdom with an added statement.
It just shows me how caustic behavior from a few can ruin things for almost everyone else.
I have found that save the term toxic for a really bad person or situation. But i use the term icky way more. You can be icky but not exactly toxic. Toxic is like the point of no return but icky still leaves room for improvement.
I liked your last question Mr Kristofer. One way I've found to combat the potential overuse of "toxic" is to ask why something is toxic. It may be a point you've genuinely never considered before (like misuse of slurs or derogatory humour), or it might be the other person has decided something is toxic when they don't understand or like it.
or the cases where they will use the word to hide behind against someone's valid criticisms of their behavior.
I hate when people ask me "are you dom O sub?", I hate that the category of Switcher does not exist. When you say you are Switcher they assume that you are a "fake dom" or "not sub enough". I hate it.
I think we tend to think of Doms being possessive of their subs more often than the other way around. But as a little, if someone else calls my Daddy "Daddy " in front of me (unless they're actually my kink sibling), I would get possessive and hug my Daddy tight and say "NO! He not your Daddy, is only MY Daddy!"
How old are you, 6?
@@sofitocyn100 Dude... why do you have to be like that? They said they were a little, so why are you being so mean?
@@sofitocyn100 what's your issue
@@sofitocyn100 this community isn't for you if you can't be respectful.
@@sofitocyn100 oh look toxicity
just some production feedback: loved the lighting in this, really flattering to both of you
1. AHS: NYC BAD BDSM
2. I’m a 60 year old gay man of color. When I chose to explore kink in the 1990’s, every encounter I had was with white men. There was no negotiation and no respect for boundaries or limits. To use a concept from Joseph Bean’s Leathersex, I was NOT treated in a recyclable manner. For years afterwards, I thought all kinksters were psychologically damaged and dangerous. I have since learned that not all kinksters are like the ones I encountered. However, even though I still have kinky fantasies, I have NO desire to act on them.
3. Watching your channel (and On Guard Cigar Salon) has been healing for me. Thank you for having these discussions.
I know for me, a few of the toxic elements I've encountered
1. Female dominants dont have sex. OMG I LOVE sex! Sex is great! Feminine sexual power is not limited to withholding of sex. If that's your thing, great. But dont look down on people whose expression of sexuality, love, pleasure, etc, is different from yours!
2. Assuming some "pinnacle" of play. ie: someone who enjoys heavy impact play is somehow superior to someone who cannot physically or emotionally handle that kind of play. I dont care if someone likes being flogged with a few pieces of dental floss vs someone who likes caning or single tail play. Are we as players having fun? That's ALL that matters.
3. "Subs dont have limits" Bullshit. Everyone has limits. Everyone SHOULD have limits. And if you tell me that as a sub you have no limits, you frighten me and I'm going to go far away from you.
4. People who dont know their worth as a player. Yes this can sound a LITTLE toxic in of itself, but this is not a way to demean or belittle novice players, but it is an opportunity for education. Offer me something (this can be for dominants or submissives). Do you offer a nice canvas to beat? Do you offer a really hot sex partner? Do you offer someone who is really skilled at housekeeping? TELL ME! TALK TO ME! Know your worth also as a player. You have something to offer a playmate or a partner. That can be as vague as "I'm a good conversationalist" to "I can endure 30 strokes of a cane" (call me. Because that really interests me)
5. One Trueisms. Go away. There is never a "true" anything, or "one true" anything. Dont paint the entire community with some standardized brush.
Demi-To-Fuck is so hilarious. I feel like there should be DTF events. I can see it now. Sickening venues, great conversations and consensual fun 🤣
(My same comment from Patreon, but for discussion here too):
Great vid, lots of great points! Would love to see ableism discussed more, and the (sometimes literal) barriers to entry that exist in the community. Falls under gatekeeping a bit I suppose, but it's often its own special kind. For instance, I'm not able to get to local events at all (though part of that is small town funsies) because they're not in a great, transit accessible location; heavy doors; all that. More often than not (and not just in relation to this) people have too much hesitation to change things to be more accommodating (that was a good point from the person who mentioned that some things need to change). I worry about ever finding a partner, for casual play or longer term, that's into the same things because of it.
Yes, I'm disabled, and there's very few accessible kink events here
A lot has been written about tumblr doms who attempt to command from the first message, but not as much has been written about subs who attempt submission at first approach. The pseudo dom has the potential for the most hazard, but the overly eager sub also creates a peril from their poor boundaries. The first clue to me that a submissive lacks the necessary boundaries is in the use of honorific too early. Opening a conversation by addressing me as "Sir" is a red flag, "Daddy" is wildly inappropriate. As a middle aged man it's constant.
Fat phobia is one of the most toxic things in the gay community. We are instantly discarded and not even given the time of day by so many men. It’s painful being a big guy. Then the shame chubby chasers get because they like big guys is disgusting.
mood. I def started ignoring the rude people and it’s made my sex life much better. Best advice I ever got was “never chase a man.”
Same for larger women too. I totally feel you.
at least we have grommr
So true
I feel your pain I'm only a medium size and have a decent amount of muscle. Like as far as big guys I'm just medium size and I still have to deal with the fat phobia bullshit. It's so annoying
This made my whole week. Serotonin received. Since figuring out my gender and reevaluating my sexuality I’ve actually not engaged with kink beyond writing about it. Just don’t even know where to start and rather anxious about toxic experiences.
I'm kind of in the same boat, and I'm actually using a book I'm researching for as a way to reacquaint myself with that world.
Thank you so much for mentioning how roles aren't as rigid anymore and people need to not be as judgemental of how people express the roles they're comfortable with. Being bisexual, my dynamic with femmes is different than with masc people, and my girl best friend deeply hurt my feelings by trying to say there's no way I was submissive. She had no idea what was going through my head or emotions, and was only judging my actions without communication. Telling people who they are and what they're into is never ok, no matter how well you know them. Challenge or question, but don't tell me who I am, please.
The main reason I stopped using Fetlife because I got so many messages from men assuming I should call them sir/master/daddy just because I’m a woman and a sub so like that one about people assuming you should just call them sir hit real hard
I just wanted to add that I have never heard you guys talk about the bear community in any of the videos I've watched. Maybe you have a video specifically dedicated to that, but it is a real subculture that needs to be recognized sometimes.
34yo sub here. Speaking from my own experiences, you can still go into these places and events and be respectful to all the Dom figures in the room while standing up for yourself. My partner and I may approach you at an event and I'd address you as "Sir" or "Mr Kristofer" out of respect for you as a dominant, but don't expect me to behave as though I'm wearing your collar.
And here I was thinking this was going to be about bug catching. Another amazing video! Really makes me want to get into the kink community
Im so glad that "Daddy" (sry I forget his name and just refer to what Amp calls him usually) spoke out on people coming into the kink community and losing themselves by basing their everything on said kink. I was having a discussion with a friend thats in the straight kink scene (Im in the gay kink scene) and I was just saying how I dont want to lose myself/end up defining myself by whatever kink Im into, which she had a pretty unaccepting retort, like I was shaming or something. That said I definitely have a hard time explaining what Im trying to say sometimes, so that could've been it. But at the same time she's constantly apologizing "if shes being judgmental" when Im opening up to her, though in those moments I never really see hows she's being judgmental, so after a while I started to think maybe shes apologizing for her thoughts or something
I am so thankful for your channel. I have learned so much and i feel so grateful for all the info that you've shared. As a soon to be soical work i feel like this education is so valuable.
Thank you for being so informative.
I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH!!! Thank you for all you do. This particular show hit home. Everything you answered to was on point.
Thank you!!!!❤
I'd love to see you do a reaction video to AHS:NYC. It's the latest season of American Horror Story, set in 1980's new york gay community. There are some BDSM scenes in the show (although not as many as you'd expect considering a man's face with a ball gag is the final image of the opening credits) but I don't like the way they portrayed it. Lots of non-consensual stuff and kinky people portrayed as manipulative villains or as victims. There is not a single bdsm scene portrayed as consenting, respectful and mutually rewarding to all participants. I feel like they include those scenes for shock and sensationalism value, without having much respect for the kinky community.
Yup! Even Ryan Murphy has to play to the lowest common denominator. I'm pretty sure only people in the BDSM community really understand what should go on in healthy play. Blame it on 50 Shades of Grey!!!
I LOVE THE LEARNING HERE...NO MATTER WHAT THE TOPIC ,YOU SAME TO FIND A WAY TO TELL US ABOUT IT OR WHERE WE CAN FIND OUT MORE ABOUT IT....THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR HELP.....
Loved the episode! Very important topics :) I also wanna say how much I love the editing on these videos, it doesn't go unnoticed!
8:40 I love how Mr Kristoffer straight up says puns are toxic and then turns around and does this 😂
love you guys and loved this episode
Just came to say your thumbnails are looking so good lately. Can't wait to watch.
I watched a video from The Click and there was this lady that wanted to tie in kink by wearing a slave collar and the husband tying a leash at the end of the aisle.
After reading your recent tweets. This video is quite fitting
It was so nice to meet you both at Palm Springs Leather Pride. I was so glad to pick-up two of your great shirts. 👍
Wow! Finally able to watch this video and ones I've already watched.. You tube shut down.any time I tried to watch! . I could watch any other videos from all different channels.. Did anyone else experience this?
Always enjoy your channel 💚
I defijnitely enjoy these Red Flag eps. because it's important to recognize toxicity when we see it or be aware of it.
Been loving your videos (Recent subscriber and binge watcher of many videos)! I have been working on trying being more open and accepting of different kinks and people. I myself am overweight and despite being on the receiving end of it, even I have found how close-minded I could be.
There is one kink I believe I heard mentioned in a video but has never been particularly talked about or covered as of yet: hypnosis. I have been wondering what your take/thoughts are on this kink in particular? Whether you decide to or not, love your videos and I will keep watching!
I hate being told that if your Vers your an automatic bottom and that it’s treated like a joke. I like to have play and sensations with all my body parts. I have the ability to top and bottom. And why is it funny that people can do both? That makes sex/play longer lasting.
It reads the same as bi-eraser tbh
a GREAT and (unfortunately) very necessary episode.
“Daddy” gets me every time with that cute smile! Great video!
I’d hope people are more aware of each other and not assuming so much.
I'm speaking from a bit of a different area of erotic text based role playing, and in that community at least, there's a massive massive MASSIVE issue of people just downright refusing to have proper discussions over their limits. So many people call themselves limitless or look for limitless things, but that's just not how people work. Even the horniest person you'll ever find with more kinks that you even knew existed will have their limits. People only wanna talk about their kinks though because that's the fun part
Also I use hypnosis/mental play to channel my borderline personality disorder... Due to my BPD I have manipulation as a defense mechanism... But I am aware of it, and to avoid manipulating people in my inner circle I channel it to consensual hypnosis/mind play so that manipulation itch is scratched i guess
'Everyone's different and Helix knows that!??!' omg the best segway into a brand deal
This might be a hot take, and I’m totally open about being proven wrong but the way some people will pull others into their dynamic.
For instance, I’m a bottom and when I’ve talked to other Submissives they’ve let me know that whatever we talk about will be told to their Dom. I feel as though this builds some what toxic qualities in a relationship/friendship.
110% if I say something about someone’s Dom then please feel free to share. However if im opening up about something serious to someone I see as a potential friend just to know that eventually my story will be shared with someone I did not choose is sucky.
Vulnerability and being able to confide helps build relationships. Being set up from the get go of knowing that my privacy is being broken makes me not want to make that friend.
I worry for the submissive in that instance because if that’s how you’re setting up your relationships you’re narrowing your community, your safety net. Of course I don’t want anyone to break up but if a Dom/Sub does then the Sub is left with an incredibly small community.
There’s a lot about BDSM that has taught me what a healthy relationship looks like, HOWEVER there’s a lot of people who only know unhealthy habits and they try to force their unhealthy mindset to healthy concepts.
I’m sick with COVID so if none of this makes sense then just ignore me
I wouldnt consider that toxic because theyre telling you beforehand and giving you that choice to continue. If it was behind your back without your consent and you found out later that would be toxic. Youre not going to like how everyone you meet communicates or interacts socially (inside and outside of kink) and thats okay, it doesnt mean theyre toxic.
@@mudkipjuice totally fair! I hear what you’re saying but your dynamic shouldn’t encroach on the relationships/friendships you decide to pursue. I think we might be talking about slightly parallel topics.
I do still stand by the fact that there are many people who enter the scene and they do their dynamics in such a way to where they’re not actually getting the healthy benefits from Kink. They could be coming from a place of trauma and instability and they try to mask these things as their “dynamic”. Whenever I have definitely met people in the scene who while they should know better (certain people in the scene who I know to be therapists) they let kink be their place to not hold up boundaries. So often do we play with peoples minds and subconscious in the scene but so many of us do not have the understanding to actually have these healthy relationships.
@@beatrice9749 I definitely agree that a good number of people in the community dont have healthy or beneficial dynamics and a lack of boundaries is a major problem, but I disagree that friendships being included in some way into a dynamic is indicative of either of those things. My friends have engaged casually with my dynamic a few times (sexually & non-sexually) with all parties consenting and nothing was wrong with that. You can still respect everyones boundaries with a friend willing to engage with you in that way. Willing, of course, being the key word
@@mudkipjuice I think perhaps I haven’t explained myself well enough. This is the problem with having such wonderful conversations over text.
I definitely don’t think that every time kinky friends do kinky things together that it’s toxic or unhealthy. I think part of the beauty is being able to share that with others.
However boundaries are important and a good portion of people (not even kinky people) struggle with figuring out what their boundaries are and being able to uphold them.
Words are hard and I’m not sure if I’m doing my best at elaborating what I’m talking about. I’m sure there are other people much smarter (and not currently going through COVID) that could explain things much better. Thank you for giving some points for me to think about a place to expand on this thought.
My partner sometimes worries she's pressuring me with her muscle kink, but weights were something I was into as a kid and knowing it's a kink for her sort of makes me happy because I know I have a cheerleader in my corner when I get back into it (my ex-husband was performative about everything and he didn't go to the gym more than twice and wouldn't pay for a membership just for me).
A great word to use other than toxic would be asinine or grotesque...perhaps even putrid. I always enjoy these episodes and concur with the points.
Love the undertale references throughout sans song keeps playing and it makes me happy. Ps just paid off my mattress and still love it.
I absolutely think that the bdsm community should be more mindful about applying a Titel for someone and definitely ask before hand if this person is fine with this titel being used to refer to them. I am an afab enby and in kink I play out both a masculine and a feminin Dom and I've had experienced a couple of time when people have reffered to me as Mommy when I presented more fem. I really hate it to be refered as a Mommy, to play out this specific role is extremely triggering to me but for some reason especially online so many people are into Mommy doms right now and I have seen it a couple of times that they immediately refer to every fem presenting Dom as Mommy and I hate to. Please ask and establish the dynamic before referring someone as that
I want to know where I can buy the aftercare snacks that you showed. (Yes I caught that Amp!) Love your show it’s still one of the only ones that I will watch the ads for. You both make me smile as well as educate me. Thanks 👍👍👍❤️🇨🇦
I think that's from an Australian Firefighters Calendar. 😉 They have different versions each year (with puppies and kittens etc).
@@christinelawrie3476 yeah I was just kidding. Still waiting for one to come to my door. Lol
Mr. Kristofer is a hoot.
Oh good lordy are you guys gonna have a fit at AHS 2023! Thank you both for yet another fabulous darjeeling spill on kink 🖤
AHS:NYC had some super toxic problematic portrayals of the kink community! I really hate that they used a leatherman as the faceless embodiment of AIDS. Also I feel like Ryan Murphy brought a lot of the Jeffrey Dahmer storyline into this season of AHS. Even plot points like victims escaping, going to police and the police ignoring them, those scenes were almost lifted intact from one series to the other, just change the actors.
I’m a bisexual 42-year-old married female.. and when I first told my husband that I was into some bondage and domination stuff I told him slyly that I don’t mind being smacked around a little bit so he took that as a suggestion, and when we went to go get down that night he pulled his hand all the way back and smacked me so hard across the side of my head that It broke my eardrum 😂😂😂 don’t worry it was a sincere drunken accident he would never ever hurt me. But still… it took two months of antibiotics to get my ear to stop hurting and after that, I just never trusted him again enough to try it. 😢
This reminds me of so many disgusting behaviors that I've witnessed and seen in and out of the kink community. Folks have to understand boundaries and consent. Even if they think they are doing something like cnc, they have to remember that first C exists and should be navigated beforehand.
The hardest and most demoralizing thing in the kink community to me is thinking that I might want to learn about and explore one, but when I try it the other parties are practicing toxic behavior that turns me off from wanting to continue. It doesn't take away interest in the kink, it just sours it with negative association.
I think it's always important to call someone's actions toxic instead of calling the person toxic themself (if they're into that they might need a therapist?). Unless you are trying to condition the person into only getting pleasure when they feel like their "self" is toxic. Maybe I'm wrong? I'm a mental health professional so would appreciate any information about some of these traits?
I have seen gatekeeping get flipped, where "gatekeeping" referred to vetting, and how dare you vet me, that's gatekeeping! To nobody's surprise, there's people in the community who have done real damage that the police have had to deal with because nobody wants to "gatekeep" the broken stairs to avoid being seen as exclusionary.
I largely left Femdom behind as a female Dominant because of the toxic notion of what 'power' and dominance should look like. Dommes are largely portrayed as angry, cold, mean-spirited tyrants, which is no better than the cohorts of asshole Doms. I got sick of the wall of angry and bored-looking women insulting subs and also offended at the implication that being a Dominant woman means acting like a perpetually angry spoiled diva. Sub men always complain at how rare F Dominants are, but that angry, hostile image turns off many otherwise Dominant and kinky women.
So originally the word toxic in contexts like this referred to traits, actions, ideas, structures, ect. where someone was causing harm, and by doing so it caused harm to them and people like them as well. I feel like sometimes now people do over use the word, and say toxic to mean abusive or annoying
I see a third tier, somewhere in the middle. I am at an age where I am younger in regard to the old guard mentality when it was prominent, and those younger than me where the new mentality is try to address someone with consideration to their point of view. From this middle group, where in certain circles I'm starting to get assumptions about roles from younger kinksters, I find that I meet more and more people from the older mentality that are adjusting and more caring about being respectful and attentive to both, or all parties in the relationship. Generational gaps in communities will always divide, if they do not work together to perpetuate their community.
"No fat, no femme, no spice, no rice" is still rampant
I'm massively into feet but one of the biggest things that annoys me is "cash masters" who are in it for the money.
If I'm at a guy's feet I want it to be because they're into it too and are enjoy it, not because they can get money out of it.
Regarding the substitute teacher getting blocked - ive totally done that before (I have trauma related to being a teacher myself and just can't see myself building a relationship with a teacher) though not after i started chatting with someone. it was just pre emptive😂
i live in a place where as a trans woman I was the one being recruited by the local scene and I was not in a place where I was ready to be a part of it or if thats what I even wanted. It flat out escalated to a point I threatened physical violence if they didnt back off, and the host of the only dungeon in town even put me on the do not invite list and I STILL get randomly approached just shopping at the mall. like what the actual fuck "Oh trans woman she must be kinky!" ive seen actual "looking for shemales" posts on this groups fetlife page, yes they used that word. I dont know when or if I will ever be ready to explore kink in a more community setting, and people need to learn that until I am 100% enthusiastically ready for it, I am not consenting. In fact my desire to be anything other than vanilla grows every day. I am demisexual as it is so its not like i have a high drive for sex or kink anyway. So maybe its best if I accept kink just isnt for me and kinksters can respect my boundaries and go kink themselves.
Subscribed.
I completely understand this and definitely remember people saying that some were full of drama... definitely knew that my former Daddy and my former "brother" both spoke of individuals who fit in the category never quite understanding what they meant... though I did see red flags from some of the individuals they mentioned.
I wouldn't necessarily call myself pan-phobic, but I definitely have difficulty being in the mood for play in a pan setting . I can interact with pan people without a problem (in a more platonic sense or seeking guidance), but can't enjoy a scene as easily as I could with cis men.
I often wonder how I should be communicating my interests and what I'm attracted to without offending people. Communicating what I want while worrying about feelings of others often seems to be challenging for me to balance. What would be the most appropriate way to approach this?
I've always viewed the proper use of Toxic in reference to this episode for when you're referring to people or actions that poison the well. That highly vocal minority within a group that gives everyone else a bad reputation because they're out there shouting extremely stupid shit They're the only ones shouting that loudly so people that aren't part of that group only hear them, and then assume, "Wow, I can't believe all of those people are like that." (Not literal shouting, most of the time, but just being a high-visibility problem maker)
That's toxic. Toxic behavior is something the spreads and corrupts, both within a community/group and to anyone that gets too close.
Toxic gets used too much to just sum up, "I don't like that person" in a single word that is intended to act as a homing beacon for hate. When you call someone toxic when they aren't actually toxic, you just dislike them, you're just trying to signal anyone else in the area to also hate on that person for/with you; no other context provided.
About the person that was blocked after revealing that they are a substitute teacher... my first thought is that either they are a teacher or student and did not want to be outed. So personally I do not think it was intended to be a rejection as much as a knee jerk panic reaction on their part.
I have to agree with everyone that's asking you to review the newest American horror story. Please do. Cause I found that not only was the representation of BDSM seemingly was off base. But also the representation of the AIDS epidemic seemed off. I was in high school when it hit the mainstream news and I recall a bunch of ridiculous theories and thinking about it. It felt like they were more making fun of it then anything
How do I send the helix mattress back if I don’t like it?
For me, I have had a big problem finding honest people to play with. I don't mind going slow or helping someone who has never tried a kink before. Just, don't tell me you like something, get my juices flowing and then, it turns out you never did it before.
I get really into a great headspace with some types of pain. It needs to be done right and my Dom needs to be safe. A crop is not plug and play! Don't whip that crap near my face. Below the beltline sunshine!
I think part of the reason folks say “no limits” thing is that they’re still trying to explore and don’t know their own limits. How would y’all recommend someone go about finding their limits?
instead of "toxic?"? ..hmm how about "necrotic"? hehe! great talk guys. you always cover some deep and sometimes "heavy" material and make it approachable with your humour. thank you!
I wouldn’t do anything with someone if they say they have no limits because I don’t trust mine would be respected
I read a book years ago and it said whenever a sub says they had no limits or that they would do anything the dom asked, ask them this: "So you would be okay with me never spanking, whipping, tying you up, never having any kinky scenes with you ever again? Only having vanilla sex forever?". And they quickly realize that nope, they would not be fine with that! They do have needs, expectations and limits.
That "Kill Bill" siren is from the theme song to the 70's TV show Ironside written and produced by Quincy Jones!
And starring the gay Raymond Bur
One thing I find where some feel entitled to gap you for a photo while you in gear at events or pride parade
Gear is not concent
Daddy’s the Himbo @PupAmp!
Is there a difference between switch and verse or are they interchangeable
Can I suggest a topic for you Amp to discuss on the next vlog and thats the words of Sapphic and Achillean in LGBTQ+ identity which I’ve only just heard and educated upon
I had a boss show me her kinktok... I still can't decide if that's a red flag or a general failing on the community to not stress that there are situations where you just don't do that..
Oh goodness me, while I have never given anyone an honorific without knowing them, I have gotten guys in my DMs on fet, saying that I should call them XYZ or ABC etc😐 no bro, we've talked for two weeks, you are not my partner, we do not have a dynamic, I am not calling you Daddy...the people that instantly try to force and insert a common k!nk in conversation after an hour of chatting, as if I would automatically be into you just because we have one or two common interests.
Those racist ads aren’t mentioned as much, but it doesn’t mean they still don’t think that way. They just accept that it’s not cool to say it. Most white gay guys don’t wanna date black guys and please don’t say it’s because of preference, that’s bullshit and we all know it. It’s based in racism and it’d be nice if we can just accept and admit it. Trust me, we can feel it. Just like you can feel when someone doesn’t like you for being gay. We are still just a “jungle, thug, big dick” fantasy. I’d love for you guys to have a panel of different races and shapes and sizes and discuss discrimination/racism.