I have lived for 25 years with my NPD husband I can identify totally with codependency. I am struggling severely to find myself and have been plunged into a very dark depression because I just can't find me. My fear is overwhelming and dominates every decision, action and thought. If I can't get rid of these shackles of fear I will never be able to find myself. I find comfort in knowing that it's not just me and who better to hear that from, than from someone who has experienced it. Thanks x
Beautifully interpreted. I've battled with codependency all my life and it has taken me 25 years to open up to internal shame that I've been holding on to. I'm thankful to have opened myself enough to use the medium of music to help feel the greater part of myself. Self approval is a lifelong process especially when you become a victim retained from your family's shame.
Glad you liked the content. Sorry about the audio. There was a fan during the lecture and we tried, but couldn't edit it out. Hopefully, better AV next time. There's another audio version I can't link to here, but happy to share if you email me.
Yeah thats me, except I get in then I get out. then find someone new who doesn't show love thinking I did better than last time. I OBSESS over people who do not show love, who are not kind, who lie and cheat. Sometimes I'm in denial because my parents are just mentally ill, not narcs. And I thought I dated some good guys somewhere in there, but probably none of the guys I dated were worth my time. And I also feel like so many women around me run into this issue that it's normal and VERY hard to think of codependency/love addiction as a real thing for me sometimes despite working the 12 steps
There is hope. I encourage you to seek counseling and join a support group, like CoDA or Al-Anon. Start working the exercises in "Codependency for Dummies," but you won't be able to do this on your own, because your own thoughts victimize you. You've been helping your husband, now help yourself! Best wishes.
7:05 Control is pivotal to codependency. Codependents are either controlling someone else, OR they are "controlling their own feelings for self protection". What does it mean "to control ones own feelings for self protection"? Does it mean that you can't be assertive or set boundaries because you are afraid that your partner will lash out in anger at you?
It may mean many things. I can mean not feeling at all, or suppressing anger or other feelings that we judge. It may mean pretending not to feel hurt to ourselves or to friends and loved ones.
These feelings are essentially the only things I have known all my life. I luckily started therapy when I started college cause I couldn't understand why I was depressed and I would beat myself for being depressed. Its such a tear jerk to hear you describe the emotional issues and the different selves because it was the same frame work I use to have. Largely I have healed in the last 2 years but sometimes I do feel guilty in trying to be my own individual because of fear of being selfish
You will find help in CoDA.org meetings and doing the exercises in "Codependency for Dummies." See the resources on my website, www.whatiscodependency.com.
that graph of circles showed me that my inner critic has kept people from knowing me. and that my "persona" is just who i want people to think i am. turns out i'm quite a bit more controlling than i always thought.
It's taken from the book, "Conquering Shame and Codependency," which explains how those selves are formed and how to recover. www.amazon.com/Conquering-Shame-Codependency-Steps-Freeing/dp/1616495332/ It's also in "Codependency for Dummies."
This made me cry, ive been coming to terms with my co dependency for the last year. I just went back to a meeting last week having not been for months. I felt i needed to get a sponsor and work the programme but unsure. this has made me feel better about it. Thank you.
That would be a good idea. You can also use my e-workbook, "Spiritual Transformation in the Twelve Steps" and the exercises in my books. See www.whatiscodependency.com for lots of blogs and talks.
This explains my last few relationships. One with a narc and my last that really hurt me with a bpd. I subconsciously feel that I should suffer, and don't deserve love so I seek people who can not love me.
See my website blog about "Loving a Borderline," and many posts on narcissists. I hope you join CoDA. You can change that pattern with therapy, and do the exercises in my books.
Nina, it takes time to heal. Many people report reading my book has opened their eyes and doing the exercises has really helped them behave differently (See comments at my website and the link to "my books") My ebooks are very helpful guides and they work if you practice the suggested steps, too. Join a CoDA or Al-Anon meeting, and seek counseling if you really want to change. Best wishes on your journey.
This is so real. So ME. How do you all know these things? They have been hidden in me forever. Or it feels like forever. Instinctively I knew there was nobody to talk to, even as a child. But I never related it to my upbringing…most definitely not to my hard working, giving, dedicated mother. Now I believe she was some true of narc & my dad was a codependent. No wonder I walked around hiding in plain sight.
You'd likely relate to my book, Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You" amzn.to/37fueWd that explains the source and symptoms you describe and of codependency, with self-healing exercises that will further enlighten you. Find more info on my website and also about narcissism.
Thank you for the overview.... I have dealt with what I thought were "addictions", but am discovering it is all based on the foundation of codependency. I started attending a group called Celebrate Recovery - and we have just begun a journey with a few of us guys to learn the subtleties and how to work through those facades we have to get through life... one of our guys has read your book codependency for dummies... Your presentation puts a good perspective on what is the foundation for addictions from my perspective
It's great to finally watch your video, Ms Darlene. We touched base about a year or two ago when I began teaching "Breaking Codependency with Vipassana" with vipassananewworld.org. I'm grateful to begin teaching the 3rd round of this tele-course this weekend; a vast amount of healing and insight comes to each of us during this 30day course. If we are in a relationship, we are codependents. Few are naturally coempowered couples. "What if I succeed" is a big one, as you say. It takes 2 to tango; while some relationships are 'worse off' others are involved in lighter forms of codependency. As a coach, i see it in every relationship, and it feels Awesome when we (me, you, students, etc) begin uncovering the emotional patterns we get into and then healing them, either by advanced meditation that we teach, or by reimprinting these patterns deep into our minds based on our new, higher choices, using a few other techniques we share in the class. Thank you for sharing your wisdom. Each day I learn, heal, and transform a little more, and the great thing is... the issues spouses have are Finite!! So after we pinpoint the list of patterns, we can check them off one at a time, the more diligent we are about our health and wellbeing. with love, Jan
I just got married in August, I've been with my husband 3 years prior, but I have only lived with him for a year. I grew up without a father and my little brother was born with ADHD, Autism, and mild mental retardation. My mom was always working, so I was always taking care of my brother. I grew up taking care of him and the chores and never had time for myself. On top of it, my mother never appreciated it. My husband now is very controlling, doesn't like me to go w/o him, and he drinks daily.
Yes, but can be very subtle. Parents can say I love you and provide for you but lack empathy and shame you in subtle ways, as described in my book, "Conquering Shame and Codependency."
My sister is a schizophrenic (not diagnosed correctly until 30s) and i was always better at academics, athletics and had more friends. I always felt guilty and ended up sabotaging my life. My older brother is a narcissistic alcoholic and i was the scapegoat for my sisters problems and his inability to succeed in his profession. I am the youngest. I have had a terrible life. I can't get away from my siblings, so every holiday i am dragged back into unhealthy dynamic. I am trying to get in therapy so i can live an enjoyable life
I hope you can. Do attend Al-Anon meetings, which will be helpful, or Coda.org. I recommend my book, "Dating Loving, and Leaving a Narcissist to understand and deal with your brothers. amzn.to/3M8DjoM
I started crying during the ending. That pain... I didn't want it to be true...I hate that this is who I am AND I cant help it .... I'm grateful that I know...but 💔💔
It's quite upsetting to face our codependency, but there is a path to recovery, both with therapy and free CoDA meetings. Read all you can. See www.whatiscodependency.com, and get help.
I totally relate to this Darlene and it has made me very upset but as a positive it has awaken me to my difficulties. I had a domineering narcissist mother who used me as a pawn and a extension of her that i understand this isn't me and was a form as abuse. She sadly died when i was 15 yrs old but she has left a legacy in me and everything i have achieved was always for her and not myself. i have been a people pleaser,perfectionist and its exhausting but hopefully i can do the step by step program and get better. i have bought your book and it is great but i do wish i could speak to you as I'm frightened. Thank you for my awakening.x
my friend who is a therapist pointed out some tendencies I have that I am now confronting and working on. I found your video in the recommendations from a celebrate recovery video (great program by the way)
All my relationships that I have attracted and been in, are all narcissist or addicts one way or another. I have had this rude awakening just recently. Due to a recent relationship. Who is a sex addict. I now know I'm codependent. I want to overcome this. I want it to stop. Now I am having withdrawals from my breakup. I can't stop obsessing over him. I can't stop having feelings for him. It hurts.
Mia a I have just ended a codependent relationship too. I also am going through withdrawals from this relationship. However, I realize that going back is no longer an option. However painful, waiting for the answers and doing the work of self-healing is the only way forward to wholeness. My tendency for codependancy reaches back to my early experiences. I am now 62. Check out Pema Chodren on the internet. She is a Buddhist nun and has been very helpful in overcoming the pain of separation that I have been experiencing. Good luck.
Read "#Recovery from Rejection and #Breakups" www.whatiscodependency.com/recovery-from-rejection-and-break-ups, and Get the "Breakup Recovery" Seminar bit.ly/1YzK7N0
I can't really hear this very well and I'm going to end the video, sadly. I'm here cause my wife is codependent though. Being on this side of codependency is brutal. Its very, very painful and hurtful to deal with. I can't get her to admit there's an issue, but it seems as if she has no emotions whatsoever. She seems like she's in a constant state of not feeling and I don't understand it. It seems like the only thing she feels is fear and that's her only driving factor. Don't get it.
Ms. Lancer, Thanks for sharing. My mother is codependent (emotionally and physically abused as a child). She does f have any substance abuse issues but is a workaholic. So much of this sounds like her. What are the effects of a mother’s codependency on a daughter?
A codpendent parent can create codependency in her children. All of the symptoms of codependency lead to dysfunctional parenting. See "Is Your Family Dysfunctional?" www.whatiscodependency.com/is-your-family-dysfunctional/
Codependency is different from healthy interdependency. I invite you to my website, www.whatiscodependency.com to learn more about the subject. See also www.whatiscodependency.com/are-you-codependent-or-interdependent/
Life is difficult. There's no magic pill or support that can make you happy. Happiness is elusive and overrated. Seek peace. Contentment is feeling at peace with yourself. Don't get into the trap of labeling yourself. Take all of this very thoughtfully and carefully.
@@DarleneLancer I agree. Recently I found myself triggered by unbearable feelings of rejection by my sister and mom and brother. I haven't felt this way in years. This was a wakeup call to me that I will need to be careful around family. All month started working daily on my personal shaken emotional reserves. As if an alarm went off. A mini breakdown. I've regained balance. Gracefully bowed out of contact until I am ready. My mother could be called a narcissist. But we all have narcissist wounds. And then I have to work on the fact that she's completely ignorant. It takes a lot of skill to work on ourselves, step back and look at the big picture and as Stephen Covey put it so simply 'seek to understand.' I like the seek to understand approach. It does free me and allows me a bit of relief and control. To acknowledge that everyone came from something. It's how we respond to these dysfunctions we are born into. It's how we respond that counts in the end. And God knows it's painful to feel rejected, unloved and not wanted by our family. Best to you all.
Great question. Think of a bully with low self-esteem or someone who flatters and buys gifts, criticizes, gives unwanted advice, or subtly undermines your aspirations and goals. There's more blogs on self-esteem and codependency on my website, whatiscodependency.
I know am a co-dependent as I have stayed with my ex drinking Alcoholic BF for nearly 4 painful hellish years. I feel responsible for his drinking, life and recovery. Every time I attempt to leave him I feel hugh amounts of guilt and a dread of disappointing him. He asks me to help him and I have recently spent my remaining credit card limit helping him to avoid feeling guilty. Maybe I am trying to pay off my guilt!?
Guilt and fear are never good reasons to be with someone. Go to many Al-Anon meetings, read my blog, "Living with an Addict" www.whatiscodependency.com/living-addict-alcoholic and "Codependency for Dummies." Get counseling as well. You're enabling him, and this makes his addiction worse, not better.
I see similarities with our toxic moms. She directed me aside from French studies, Chinese Mandarin, Sign Language and Hospitality. Two of those courses were absolutely free at our worship center but the level of racist slurs she used to deride and hurt me with to make my choices is beyond hate. I love this video.
I watched this video & just wanted to say Thank you so much for sharing it with Us Darlene :) it's Beautiful & is very informative and I appreciate it :) looking forward to more like this one from you :) also Love your website & want to order your books as well because I need & want all the help I can get as I am tired of being a co-dependent & I think my Boyfriend is not only a co-dependent but a Narcissist as well & I wish he would have & find the want to change himself to help better our relationship as well but just don't know or think he will so I am going to work on myself for now. Thank you again Darlene :)
I can't tell if I'm the codependent or if my boyfriend is.. But all signs point to the fact that I'm in a codependent relationship. How can I distinguish this?
Stephanie Holz There are many behaviors if that's what you mean by processes, which typical of codependents. I suggest reading my blog and the symptomatic behavior described in my books. You can also get ideas by following the daily posts on my Facebook page at facebook.com/codependencyrecovery. Darlene
I just don't get it about my daughter who got a divorce from her partner with substance abuse and now she says she's met her soulmate when he drinks a bottle of vodka to party. I'm confused!!
I didn't recognize that my now ex GF was so co dependent until it was too late. On top of her being bipolar it was a recipe for disaster that took a turn for the worse & I mean the WORSE, to the point I had to take out a protection order on her after she started damaging all of my personal belongings. Denial is an understatement, Although we're not together anymore I still hope & wish the best for her.
She sounds more narcissistic, although maybe it was her being bipolar. Usually codependents hate hurting other people. At least from my stance. There's a lot of guilt surrounding that, built up by a narcissistic parent. Even as a young child, I always felt somewhat of a caretaker for my father who was neglectful and suffered from mental illness. I would imagine it was my sorrow for him. Even when we were going into a foster home and I was six years old, I found my father broken down, in tears, and I climbed up into his lap, patting him on the shoulder, reassuring him that everything was going to be okay. Both my mother and step-father were narcissistic, my step-father more so. Yet, life always revolved around them. They put their needs first, all the time. Inside, when I was younger, I would always tell myself I'm tougher than this, I'll get through this, you can't hurt me, even though I was hurt. I still remember in the 3rd grade a boy who grabbed my hand and starting bending one of my fingers back. I shrugged. Doesn't hurt. He kept bending it back, and I kept saying it doesn't hurt. I didn't even wince, even though it hurt terribly. There's this element in codependent children that they feel they need to be the bigger person, tougher, more loving, more compassionate, more empathetic, altruistic, even with people that don't deserve their compassion. Narcissists will truly rip them apart, use them as their crutch, blame them for their own problems or faults, riddle them with guilt and shame, use their sorrow and empathy. It's awful, it really is. I no longer speak to my mother. I don't know that I ever will again. I truly have no desire to. She still doesn't believe she did anything wrong.
Wow you just may be correct on your analysis. I'm not to familiar w/narcissists. However once I researched it, it seemed pretty dead on. I always told her that she was very attention needy, although she is a very beautiful woman, she was so full of her self. Also having a rough childhood with a father who is also bipolar & a forced to retired detective do to his temperament amongst his colleagues. She witnessed infidelity with her father as well. So I guess all in all, she's "Damaged Goods" hopefully she's gotten some sort of help.
Terence Walker I hate the term damaged goods, it's been referred to me because I was sexually abused as a child. While all victims of abuse are damaged, it's a hurtful term, because it makes them feel less than someone else. Victims often carry that all their lives, the sense that there's something wrong with them, and not the outside world, especially codependents. No one is sure what creates a narcissistic personality disorder. Neglect, abuse, affects people differently. It's like codependency went one step further. While all people have narcissism to some degree and still have empathy, extreme narcissists cut down, degrade, criticize or humiliate others. They don't feel badly about it either.
Didn't mean to offend you or anyone else. I quoted that term because at a point during our relationship she referred to get self as being that, which showed me her lack of self-esteem or lack there of. Her emotions were always so up & down. It became difficult to handle with me being a balanced individual. It got to a point where I could no longer be with her because her energy had become so draining.
Lydia G We're all damaged in some way or another if not in childhood, by the necessary losses of life. But we're not "goods," but each worthy human beings, and we can heal - even if we still bear scars.
I understand completely. Please read my articles on "Do You Love a Narcissist?" and "Verbal Abuse - Beneath Your Radar" on my website, whatiscodependency. I hope you're in CoDA or counseling.
Thank you for the information, but I have some questions: I read your blogposts (www.whatiscodependency.com/is-your-family-dysfunctional/ *and* www.whatiscodependency.com/symptoms-of-codependency/) and they resonate with me quite a lot. But for all that i can recall, my childhood might have had corporal punishment a couple of times and being told not to cry, but it was overall happy and easy, and i felt like the favorite child. It's only my adolescence that i can surely say was terrible in terms of family dynamics. So are the symptoms i am displaying relevant to codependency and dysfunctional family? Or are they something different? And it really bothers me to think how these things can't happen to me alone but people around me seem to function just fine. So basically i just feel very bad i am dealing so badly, and i feel like i am making excuses for my awful behaviors, incompetence and failures by blaming them on my "mental illness". Why is it that i cope so much worse than people around me, even my brother who grew up in the same environment?
Since I don't know more of your history and symptoms, I can't comment, but you'll find greater in-depth explanation of how this happens in "Conquering Shame and Codependency."
Since I don't know more of your history and symptoms, I can't comment, but you'll find greater in-depth explanation of how this happens in "Conquering Shame and Codependency."
Yes, of course, thank you for your reply :) But in your experience, is the parenting in adolescence as influential as that in childhood? Or is childhood parenting more defining?
My apolgies for the terrible sound. Please watch and listen to my other RUclipss or visit www.whatiscodependency.com, my website, to read lots of info and listen to many audio files on my Media page and via the links on the sidebar.
melody beattie is the pioneer in codependency , the healing means raising self awareness + self-care + setting boundaries (seek the book BOUNDARIES by HENRY CLOUD- life changing book) + building self-esteem (I found GLENN SCHIRALDI is a very workbook)
I hope you check out "Codependency for Dummies", which goes into the psychological dynamics, causes, and exercises to heal. For greater depth, see "Conquering Shame and Codependency." Also "10 Steps to Self-Esteem" zeros in on how to disarm the critic, the greatest saboteur of Self-esteem. Read all the reviews at www.whatiscodependency.com.
Does codependency get worse as you age only when not dealt with? Ex: My most healthy and stable intimate relationships were my first 2 and progressively got worse. It wasn't until my late 20's early 30's where I met my narcissistic partners. The first was very painful but in hindsight a learning experience I needed to open my eyes. The second had heavy overt tendencies maybe not full fledged but definitely present. Lastly and most recent I've had, more devastating to me and possibly the hardest to move on from was the covert narcissist. A true wolf in sheep's clothing. Idk why they got worse over time instead better especially with maturity? Time to go back to therapy!
NaTallyanna4 We do learn from experience, but in general codependency like any addiction, left untreated worsens in time. Positive relationships and experiences can also raise our self-esteem and make us more autonomous. On the other hand, being alone doesn't always change us, but merely avoids the problems of intimate relationships.
Darlene Lancer Thank you so much for the reply greatly appreciated!! I have been watching your seminars and the way that you explain codependency makes it all really click. Especially since it's such a hard topic to understand for lot of people. Its really amazing how much we can bury in the back of our minds and remain in an unconscious denial. Thanks again!
Thank you! For more information, interviews, blogs, books, and 14 free Tips for Letting Go, visit my website: www.whatiscodependency.com. Happy New Year!
This notion is foreign to me, but this could be due to my lack of psychological knowledge. From my understanding, ‘self’ Is not something innate but rather something to be acquired, a sort of new unshakable confidence held together by a firm set of beliefs, values, tastes, desires and opinions. Once one achieves this ‘self’ they are essentially consciously in the driving seat and ready to swerve out of the way of influences they sense can cause them to lose their sense of self. On that premise, my one question to you miss Lancer is that is it possible that a person is more liable to be codependent if they have no knowledge of self and thus are whirled by the winds of the world because they have no self-driven direction? Or can even a person with a strong sense of self still be codependent?
+Jedi Maneuvers Codependents have a weak sense of self even those who are opinionated and appear strong. The Self is IMO part innate and develops through proper nurturing and mirroring. Codependents don't get that. I explain the development in "Conquering Shame and Codependency." They inwardly doubt themselves due to shame.
Thinking of your "Self" as something separate from your "person" is not a healthy way of thinking. Check out the teachings of Alan Watts to get a better understanding
He is a very good man, but he never wants me to go anywhere w/o him, I work w/him at his auto shop, we do everything together, and even when I want to leave, he acts so paranoid and awkward about it. I cannot say exactly how I feel all the time because I fear what he'll say, if he'll get mad, or if he's even listening! I'm so used to taking care of everyone else .. but I'm sick of it! Am I codependant?
@@DarleneLancer OMG I've been highlighting your workbook without putting together the Author 0n the page. Cover. And you gave me encouragement. My Malise lifted when Mindfulness and writing and practice of Old Ideas turned into New Ideas. Once.treatimg the untreated . For me it's " undoing" . Thank you for so much. Bob
Good video! I'd like to add: Want to help cure Codependency? Know the traits of the conscienceless people camouflaged among us. It is important codependent people know the traits of the type 1 sociopath, sociopath, and psychopath. These individuals prey on people who have codependent tendencies. They cannot feel love, remorse, guilt, or empathy but they are amazing pretenders. They secretly love power and control and hurting people. They can be the belittling teacher, the abusive spouse, the preacher who crosses boundaries, and the gossiping family member who causes division. Traits are: sexy, gorgeous, charming, talented, brilliant, fun, funny, and/or highly educated-which they will use to get into your heart and psyche. Once there, then they will be controlling, isolating, manipulating, and may cheat, lie, etc. If you want to prevent domestic abuse: know the traits of the sociopaths among us! The type 1 sociopath is conscienceless but rarely does anything illegal, immoral yes, illegal-no. Conscienceless people will make you codependent. Their victims may feel depressed and suicidal. Also, they need stimulation such as alcohol, drugs, sex, shopping, creating businesses, scams, etc. CONSCIENCELESS PEOPLE are the best kept secret in plain sight. We should never label anyone as being conscienceless- love them and pray for them with stronger boundaries and from a distance if necessary. And if they are a loved one, best to seek counsel in a mental health professional who specializes in this sort of personality disorder. If you are a loving, compassionate person with a gentle spirit, most likely you have at least one type 1 sociopath in your life right now. I am still waiting for the psychology field to make the connection between abusive people and conscienceless people and people with LEARNED conscienceless traits. I read a book on domestic abuse- ALL THE TRAITS stated in this book, and no mention of sociopath or psychopath. Mistake. It is truly empowering when we know and can recognize sociopathic traits. Narcissistic traits as well. I would like to see this study: a study of the people around the codependent people who have low self esteem. I bet ya' there is at least one controlling, manipulating conscienceless influential person in their life. Dr. Lancer, thanks for your video. Very good information. My advice to all therapists is to make your loving, gentle patients know the traits of the narcissist and sociopaths/psychopaths and type 1 sociopaths camouflaged among them. Best kept secret.
There is help! I encourage you to seek counseling and join a support group, like CoDA or Al-Anon. There's lots of free information on my website, www.whatiscodependency.com. Follow my blogs and Facebook or Twitter posts. Start working the exercises in "Codependency for Dummies,"
It's not covered by insurance and not a diagnosis. It's been analogized to a disease because it has the same trajectory as one and is chronic. See www.whatiscodependency.com/codependency-addiction-stages-of-disease-and-recovery/
I find the language of psychology to be like gible gable for the main stream. It's unconnected to circumstance. Rarely is cause and effect even clear. It doesn't take into account external forces that shapes ones life. Things like poverty, race, nationality, gender seem overlooked. For example how immigrant children are treated in the US , how do you suppose that effects an impressionable child when they become adults. How many (cultural) frogs did you have to swallow verses a native born?
A good therapist would certainly take into consideration all relevant aspects of ones life. In fact, in my books I discuss cultural differences. For example, codependency is a very Western concept and normal in many collectivist cultures.
no sense of self, seek others to give me identity and confirmation of who I am,, controlling self grandiosity negative narcissistic bullying hovering mother figure who has passed now, catholic church that made me fearful of God and of who I am, and laying huge guilt trip on me, yeah, after all these 60 some years of trying to figure out who the heck I am, not fun.
Ok, thank you very much Darlene, I appreciate your response. :) Been to many many 12 step meetings in the past, so am very familiar with material but haven't been for awhile, need to find suitable meeting, few and far between, was looking on youtube for possible meeting, don't know if there is such a thing. Bless You and your work. Pama
I have worked some of them, but like I said its been awhile, maybe 5 or 10 years, the group I used to go to is no longer., so unfortunately I have fallen away from the readings, and the path, etc,
bs--why does there have to be a name for emotions,,sick of that..oo I feel depressed--o--because my hubby hit me---oo I feel alone--oo--because I depend on my hubby,hes not here rite now..you feel because its life.and we go thru things,shit.
I have lived for 25 years with my NPD husband I can identify totally with codependency. I am struggling severely to find myself and have been plunged into a very dark depression because I just can't find me. My fear is overwhelming and dominates every decision, action and thought. If I can't get rid of these shackles of fear I will never be able to find myself. I find comfort in knowing that it's not just me and who better to hear that from, than from someone who has experienced it. Thanks x
Beautifully interpreted. I've battled with codependency all my life and it has taken me 25 years to open up to internal shame that I've been holding on to. I'm thankful to have opened myself enough to use the medium of music to help feel the greater part of myself. Self approval is a lifelong process especially when you become a victim retained from your family's shame.
Glad you liked the content. Sorry about the audio. There was a fan during the lecture and we tried, but couldn't edit it out. Hopefully, better AV next time. There's another audio version I can't link to here, but happy to share if you email me.
"Codependents get into relationships with people who don't show love" Sounds familiar.
What makes a codependent difference to normal brain
No organic difference.
Yeah thats me, except I get in then I get out. then find someone new who doesn't show love thinking I did better than last time. I OBSESS over people who do not show love, who are not kind, who lie and cheat.
Sometimes I'm in denial because my parents are just mentally ill, not narcs. And I thought I dated some good guys somewhere in there, but probably none of the guys I dated were worth my time. And I also feel like so many women around me run into this issue that it's normal and VERY hard to think of codependency/love addiction as a real thing for me sometimes despite working the 12 steps
There is hope. I encourage you to seek counseling and join a support group, like CoDA or Al-Anon. Start working the exercises in "Codependency for Dummies," but you won't be able to do this on your own, because your own thoughts victimize you. You've been helping your husband, now help yourself! Best wishes.
feel our feelings without shame or judge it, think our thoughts not others, live our live and dreams not others - love to you all - thank you DARLENE
Shows visual without audio or mimiumal audio.
7:05 Control is pivotal to codependency. Codependents are either controlling someone else, OR they are "controlling their own feelings for self protection". What does it mean "to control ones own feelings for self protection"? Does it mean that you can't be assertive or set boundaries because you are afraid that your partner will lash out in anger at you?
It may mean many things. I can mean not feeling at all, or suppressing anger or other feelings that we judge. It may mean pretending not to feel hurt to ourselves or to friends and loved ones.
@@DarleneLancer well normal brain contrast to codependent brain visually shown ?
These feelings are essentially the only things I have known all my life. I luckily started therapy when I started college cause I couldn't understand why I was depressed and I would beat myself for being depressed. Its such a tear jerk to hear you describe the emotional issues and the different selves because it was the same frame work I use to have. Largely I have healed in the last 2 years but sometimes I do feel guilty in trying to be my own individual because of fear of being selfish
This 100% me. I think it's because I'm scared of losing the person and I put them on a pedestall too much. It's not fair to the other person as well.
You will find help in CoDA.org meetings and doing the exercises in "Codependency for Dummies." See the resources on my website, www.whatiscodependency.com.
I think the problem is I have nothing else in my life that makes me happy except for this person. I'll try the link though.
This sounds like me in my relationship i was just broken up with.
that graph of circles showed me that my inner critic has kept people from knowing me. and that my "persona" is just who i want people to think i am. turns out i'm quite a bit more controlling than i always thought.
It's taken from the book, "Conquering Shame and Codependency," which explains how those selves are formed and how to recover. www.amazon.com/Conquering-Shame-Codependency-Steps-Freeing/dp/1616495332/
It's also in "Codependency for Dummies."
This made me cry, ive been coming to terms with my co dependency for the last year. I just went back to a meeting last week having not been for months. I felt i needed to get a sponsor and work the programme but unsure. this has made me feel better about it. Thank you.
That would be a good idea. You can also use my e-workbook, "Spiritual Transformation in the Twelve Steps" and the exercises in my books. See www.whatiscodependency.com for lots of blogs and talks.
This explains my last few relationships. One with a narc and my last that really hurt me with a bpd. I subconsciously feel that I should suffer, and don't deserve love so I seek people who can not love me.
See my website blog about "Loving a Borderline," and many posts on narcissists. I hope you join CoDA. You can change that pattern with therapy, and do the exercises in my books.
Nina, it takes time to heal. Many people report reading my book has opened their eyes and doing the exercises has really helped them behave differently (See comments at my website and the link to "my books") My ebooks are very helpful guides and they work if you practice the suggested steps, too. Join a CoDA or Al-Anon meeting, and seek counseling if you really want to change. Best wishes on your journey.
This is so real. So ME. How do you all know these things? They have been hidden in me forever. Or it feels like forever. Instinctively I knew there was nobody to talk to, even as a child. But I never related it to my upbringing…most definitely not to my hard working, giving, dedicated mother. Now I believe she was some true of narc & my dad was a codependent. No wonder I walked around hiding in plain sight.
You'd likely relate to my book, Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You" amzn.to/37fueWd that explains the source and symptoms you describe and of codependency, with self-healing exercises that will further enlighten you. Find more info on my website and also about narcissism.
Thank you for the overview.... I have dealt with what I thought were "addictions", but am discovering it is all based on the foundation of codependency.
I started attending a group called Celebrate Recovery - and we have just begun a journey with a few of us guys to learn the subtleties and how to work through those facades we have to get through life... one of our guys has read your book codependency for dummies...
Your presentation puts a good perspective on what is the foundation for addictions from my perspective
Such helpful information, thank you!
I wish there weren't so much background noise.
+Amanda Fairchild So do I! We reduced it as much as possible. I suggest you read more on my website and in "Codependency for Dummies."
I just decided not to listen to her and read the comments.
Mildred Harrison same here
It's great to finally watch your video, Ms Darlene. We touched base about a year or two ago when I began teaching "Breaking Codependency with Vipassana" with vipassananewworld.org.
I'm grateful to begin teaching the 3rd round of this tele-course this weekend; a vast amount of healing and insight comes to each of us during this 30day course.
If we are in a relationship, we are codependents. Few are naturally coempowered couples. "What if I succeed" is a big one, as you say.
It takes 2 to tango; while some relationships are 'worse off' others are involved in lighter forms of codependency. As a coach, i see it in every relationship, and it feels Awesome when we (me, you, students, etc) begin uncovering the emotional patterns we get into and then healing them, either by advanced meditation that we teach, or by reimprinting these patterns deep into our minds based on our new, higher choices, using a few other techniques we share in the class.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom. Each day I learn, heal, and transform a little more, and the great thing is... the issues spouses have are Finite!! So after we pinpoint the list of patterns, we can check them off one at a time, the more diligent we are about our health and wellbeing.
with love,
Jan
I just got married in August, I've been with my husband 3 years prior, but I have only lived with him for a year. I grew up without a father and my little brother was born with ADHD, Autism, and mild mental retardation. My mom was always working, so I was always taking care of my brother. I grew up taking care of him and the chores and never had time for myself. On top of it, my mother never appreciated it. My husband now is very controlling, doesn't like me to go w/o him, and he drinks daily.
Feels like being unloved and unwanted. It caused me to over give in the hopes of being loved back.
Yes, but can be very subtle. Parents can say I love you and provide for you but lack empathy and shame you in subtle ways, as described in my book, "Conquering Shame and Codependency."
My sister is a schizophrenic (not diagnosed correctly until 30s) and i was always better at academics, athletics and had more friends. I always felt guilty and ended up sabotaging my life. My older brother is a narcissistic alcoholic and i was the scapegoat for my sisters problems and his inability to succeed in his profession. I am the youngest. I have had a terrible life. I can't get away from my siblings, so every holiday i am dragged back into unhealthy dynamic. I am trying to get in therapy so i can live an enjoyable life
I hope you can. Do attend Al-Anon meetings, which will be helpful, or Coda.org. I recommend my book, "Dating Loving, and Leaving a Narcissist to understand and deal with your brothers. amzn.to/3M8DjoM
I started crying during the ending. That pain... I didn't want it to be true...I hate that this is who I am AND I cant help it .... I'm grateful that I know...but 💔💔
It's quite upsetting to face our codependency, but there is a path to recovery, both with therapy and free CoDA meetings. Read all you can. See www.whatiscodependency.com, and get help.
Thank you
I totally relate to this Darlene and it has made me very upset but as a positive it has awaken me to my difficulties.
I had a domineering narcissist mother who used me as a pawn and a extension of her that i understand this isn't me and was a form as abuse.
She sadly died when i was 15 yrs old but she has left a legacy in me and everything i have achieved was always for her and not myself.
i have been a people pleaser,perfectionist and its exhausting but hopefully i can do the step by step program and get better.
i have bought your book and it is great but i do wish i could speak to you as I'm frightened.
Thank you for my awakening.x
Siren & other distracting noise make it hard to hear your message.
Another blame the parents Frow up.
Beautiful, helpful. and healing. Thank you, Darlene Lancer.
Mary Jane Hurley Brant Thanks very much.
"Having an external locus of control" just my own perception.
Definition: Codependency is a horrible condition that I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy.
Yes, and very widespread.
That's not really a definition
You can recover from codependency, narcissism you can’t.
I'm codependent admitting first step towards healing
my friend who is a therapist pointed out some tendencies I have that I am now confronting and working on. I found your video in the recommendations from a celebrate recovery video (great program by the way)
kingman88 Thanks for letting me know. There's lots more info on my website and blog at www.whatiscodependency.com, + 14 free Tips for Letting Go.
Darlene Lancer just signed u[p. i want to use these tips with others as I encounter...oh and I am MFT grad student too
All my relationships that I have attracted and been in, are all narcissist or addicts one way or another. I have had this rude awakening just recently. Due to a recent relationship. Who is a sex addict.
I now know I'm codependent. I want to overcome this. I want it to stop.
Now I am having withdrawals from my breakup.
I can't stop obsessing over him. I can't stop having feelings for him.
It hurts.
Mia a
I have just ended a codependent relationship too. I also am going through withdrawals from this relationship. However, I realize that going back is no longer an option. However painful, waiting for the answers and doing the work of self-healing is the only way forward to wholeness. My tendency for codependancy reaches back to my early experiences. I am now 62. Check out Pema Chodren on the internet. She is a Buddhist nun and has been very helpful in overcoming the pain of separation that I have been experiencing. Good luck.
Read "#Recovery from Rejection and #Breakups" www.whatiscodependency.com/recovery-from-rejection-and-break-ups, and Get the "Breakup Recovery" Seminar
bit.ly/1YzK7N0
It is, very painful - and chemical too! See my blog and seminar on breaking up.
I can't really hear this very well and I'm going to end the video, sadly. I'm here cause my wife is codependent though. Being on this side of codependency is brutal. Its very, very painful and hurtful to deal with. I can't get her to admit there's an issue, but it seems as if she has no emotions whatsoever. She seems like she's in a constant state of not feeling and I don't understand it. It seems like the only thing she feels is fear and that's her only driving factor. Don't get it.
Ms. Lancer,
Thanks for sharing. My mother is codependent (emotionally and physically abused as a child). She does f have any substance abuse issues but is a workaholic. So much of this sounds like her. What are the effects of a mother’s codependency on a daughter?
A codpendent parent can create codependency in her children. All of the symptoms of codependency lead to dysfunctional parenting. See "Is Your Family Dysfunctional?" www.whatiscodependency.com/is-your-family-dysfunctional/
Codependency is different from healthy interdependency. I invite you to my website, www.whatiscodependency.com to learn more about the subject. See also www.whatiscodependency.com/are-you-codependent-or-interdependent/
+Darlene Lancer Excellent work, Darlene! Thank you so much for what you know and you share!
Very interesting, thanks for sharing.
You may want to read this on interdependence: www.whatiscodependency.com/are-you-codependent-or-interdependent/
Nails it! Been there done that, healing and recovering, finally! Thanks for sharing~
Why so horrible audio for such a valuable lecture?
as experts say CODEPENDENCY is a self-destructive pathology but we can heal :)
Codependency is not an addiction.
I struggle with trying to love myself ...
Life is difficult. There's no magic pill or support that can make you happy. Happiness is elusive and overrated. Seek peace.
Contentment is feeling at peace with yourself. Don't get into the trap of labeling yourself. Take all of this very thoughtfully and carefully.
I agree. Feelings come and go, but peace and equanimity take work to achieve, but are worth the effort.
@@DarleneLancer I agree. Recently I found myself triggered by unbearable feelings of rejection by my sister and mom and brother. I haven't felt this way in years. This was a wakeup call to me that I will need to be careful around family. All month started working daily on my personal shaken emotional reserves. As if an alarm went off. A mini breakdown. I've regained balance. Gracefully bowed out of contact until I am ready. My mother could be called a narcissist. But we all have narcissist wounds. And then I have to work on the fact that she's completely ignorant. It takes a lot of skill to work on ourselves, step back and look at the big picture and as Stephen Covey put it so simply 'seek to understand.' I like the seek to understand approach. It does free me and allows me a bit of relief and control. To acknowledge that everyone came from something. It's how we respond to these dysfunctions we are born into. It's how we respond that counts in the end. And God knows it's painful to feel rejected, unloved and not wanted by our family. Best to you all.
Great question. Think of a bully with low self-esteem or someone who flatters and buys gifts, criticizes, gives unwanted advice, or subtly undermines your aspirations and goals. There's more blogs on self-esteem and codependency on my website, whatiscodependency.
I know am a co-dependent as I have stayed with my ex drinking Alcoholic BF for nearly 4 painful hellish years. I feel responsible for his drinking, life and recovery. Every time I attempt to leave him I feel hugh amounts of guilt and a dread of disappointing him. He asks me to help him and I have recently spent my remaining credit card limit helping him to avoid feeling guilty. Maybe I am trying to pay off my guilt!?
Its emotional manipulation. He made you think it was your fault.
Guilt and fear are never good reasons to be with someone. Go to many Al-Anon meetings, read my blog, "Living with an Addict" www.whatiscodependency.com/living-addict-alcoholic and "Codependency for Dummies." Get counseling as well. You're enabling him, and this makes his addiction worse, not better.
I see similarities with our toxic moms. She directed me aside from French studies, Chinese Mandarin, Sign Language and Hospitality. Two of those courses were absolutely free at our worship center but the level of racist slurs she used to deride and hurt me with to make my choices is beyond hate. I love this video.
If I read one more Adult blaming thier Parents I'll just Scream Nobody's parents were perfect you Are now Responsible for yourself.
I watched this video & just wanted to say Thank you so much for sharing it with Us Darlene :) it's Beautiful & is very informative and I appreciate it :) looking forward to more like this one from you :) also Love your website & want to order your books as well because I need & want all the help I can get as I am tired of being a co-dependent & I think my Boyfriend is not only a co-dependent but a Narcissist as well & I wish he would have & find the want to change himself to help better our relationship as well but just don't know or think he will so I am going to work on myself for now. Thank you again Darlene :)
Thank you Victoria. If you change yourself, the relationship will change. Attend CoDA, too.
This is very helpful and enlightening for me. Thank you!
I can't tell if I'm the codependent or if my boyfriend is.. But all signs point to the fact that I'm in a codependent relationship. How can I distinguish this?
+Cassidy Oonk Codependents usually choose each other in an ongoing relationship. As you work on your own, his will become clearer.
Excellent explanation that we can relate to
I am so happy i found this video. I just recently found out i had codependency. hope this helps.
Background noise realy making so hard to hear
You're correct. My apologies. There was a noisy fan, and we tried but couldn't eliminate all of the background noise.
please i want to stop it , i end up being alone is buying a book enough .?
What are some of examples of processes that a codependent can be centered around?
Stephanie Holz There are many behaviors if that's what you mean by processes, which typical of codependents. I suggest reading my blog and the symptomatic behavior described in my books. You can also get ideas by following the daily posts on my Facebook page at facebook.com/codependencyrecovery. Darlene
I just don't get it about my daughter who got a divorce from her partner with substance abuse and now she says she's met her soulmate when he drinks a bottle of vodka to party. I'm confused!!
It's not at all logical. Sounds like she didn't learn much from her marriage!
I didn't recognize that my now ex GF was so co dependent until it was too late. On top of her being bipolar it was a recipe for disaster that took a turn for the worse & I mean the WORSE, to the point I had to take out a protection order on her after she started damaging all of my personal belongings. Denial is an understatement, Although we're not together anymore I still hope & wish the best for her.
She sounds more narcissistic, although maybe it was her being bipolar. Usually codependents hate hurting other people. At least from my stance. There's a lot of guilt surrounding that, built up by a narcissistic parent. Even as a young child, I always felt somewhat of a caretaker for my father who was neglectful and suffered from mental illness. I would imagine it was my sorrow for him. Even when we were going into a foster home and I was six years old, I found my father broken down, in tears, and I climbed up into his lap, patting him on the shoulder, reassuring him that everything was going to be okay. Both my mother and step-father were narcissistic, my step-father more so. Yet, life always revolved around them. They put their needs first, all the time. Inside, when I was younger, I would always tell myself I'm tougher than this, I'll get through this, you can't hurt me, even though I was hurt. I still remember in the 3rd grade a boy who grabbed my hand and starting bending one of my fingers back. I shrugged. Doesn't hurt. He kept bending it back, and I kept saying it doesn't hurt. I didn't even wince, even though it hurt terribly. There's this element in codependent children that they feel they need to be the bigger person, tougher, more loving, more compassionate, more empathetic, altruistic, even with people that don't deserve their compassion. Narcissists will truly rip them apart, use them as their crutch, blame them for their own problems or faults, riddle them with guilt and shame, use their sorrow and empathy. It's awful, it really is. I no longer speak to my mother. I don't know that I ever will again. I truly have no desire to. She still doesn't believe she did anything wrong.
Wow you just may be correct on your analysis. I'm not to familiar w/narcissists. However once I researched it, it seemed pretty dead on. I always told her that she was very attention needy, although she is a very beautiful woman, she was so full of her self. Also having a rough childhood with a father who is also bipolar & a forced to retired detective do to his temperament amongst his colleagues. She witnessed infidelity with her father as well. So I guess all in all, she's "Damaged Goods" hopefully she's gotten some sort of help.
Terence Walker I hate the term damaged goods, it's been referred to me because I was sexually abused as a child. While all victims of abuse are damaged, it's a hurtful term, because it makes them feel less than someone else. Victims often carry that all their lives, the sense that there's something wrong with them, and not the outside world, especially codependents. No one is sure what creates a narcissistic personality disorder. Neglect, abuse, affects people differently. It's like codependency went one step further. While all people have narcissism to some degree and still have empathy, extreme narcissists cut down, degrade, criticize or humiliate others. They don't feel badly about it either.
Didn't mean to offend you or anyone else. I quoted that term because at a point during our relationship she referred to get self as being that, which showed me her lack of self-esteem or lack there of. Her emotions were always so up & down. It became difficult to handle with me being a balanced individual. It got to a point where I could no longer be with her because her energy had become so draining.
Lydia G We're all damaged in some way or another if not in childhood, by the necessary losses of life. But we're not "goods," but each worthy human beings, and we can heal - even if we still bear scars.
Very well described, thank you, she more or less explained myself to me
Is there a new Codependency for Dummies book?? Thank you !
There was a 2nd Edition printed in 2014: www.amazon.com/Codependency-Dummies-Darlene-Lancer/dp/1118982088/
This is beautiful, please share more
Thank you. You can listen to my recent audio RUclips on shame.
I understand completely. Please read my articles on "Do You Love a Narcissist?" and "Verbal Abuse - Beneath Your Radar" on my website, whatiscodependency. I hope you're in CoDA or counseling.
Thanks a lot for sharing this video, it's very helpful and raised my awareness about (my own and other's) behavior...
Thank you for the information, but I have some questions:
I read your blogposts (www.whatiscodependency.com/is-your-family-dysfunctional/ *and* www.whatiscodependency.com/symptoms-of-codependency/) and they resonate with me quite a lot. But for all that i can recall, my childhood might have had corporal punishment a couple of times and being told not to cry, but it was overall happy and easy, and i felt like the favorite child. It's only my adolescence that i can surely say was terrible in terms of family dynamics. So are the symptoms i am displaying relevant to codependency and dysfunctional family? Or are they something different?
And it really bothers me to think how these things can't happen to me alone but people around me seem to function just fine. So basically i just feel very bad i am dealing so badly, and i feel like i am making excuses for my awful behaviors, incompetence and failures by blaming them on my "mental illness". Why is it that i cope so much worse than people around me, even my brother who grew up in the same environment?
Since I don't know more of your history and symptoms, I can't comment, but you'll find greater in-depth explanation of how this happens in "Conquering Shame and Codependency."
Since I don't know more of your history and symptoms, I can't comment, but you'll find greater in-depth explanation of how this happens in "Conquering Shame and Codependency."
Parents can have good intentions and needn't be overtly abusive to cause codependency. It's handed down transgenerationally.
Yes, of course, thank you for your reply :)
But in your experience, is the parenting in adolescence as influential as that in childhood? Or is childhood parenting more defining?
Both are important. It depends on the specifics.
Really wanted to hear this but background noise is intolerable.
My apolgies for the terrible sound. Please watch and listen to my other RUclipss or visit www.whatiscodependency.com, my website, to read lots of info and listen to many audio files on my Media page and via the links on the sidebar.
Thank you.
melody beattie is the pioneer in codependency , the healing means raising self awareness + self-care + setting boundaries (seek the book BOUNDARIES by HENRY CLOUD- life changing book) + building self-esteem (I found GLENN SCHIRALDI is a very workbook)
I hope you check out "Codependency for Dummies", which goes into the psychological dynamics, causes, and exercises to heal. For greater depth, see "Conquering Shame and Codependency." Also "10 Steps to Self-Esteem" zeros in on how to disarm the critic, the greatest saboteur of Self-esteem. Read all the reviews at www.whatiscodependency.com.
Thank you for sharing this.
Hello Darlene, I want to prepare Polish subtitles for this video. Would you be willing to upload them later on?
Thanks for your interest. Please email me at info@darlenelancer.com.
Excellent explanation. It definitely hit home.
Does codependency get worse as you age only when not dealt with?
Ex: My most healthy and stable intimate relationships were my first 2 and progressively got worse.
It wasn't until my late 20's early 30's where I met my narcissistic partners. The first was very painful but in hindsight a learning experience I needed to open my eyes.
The second had heavy overt tendencies maybe not full fledged but definitely present.
Lastly and most recent I've had, more devastating to me and possibly the hardest to move on from was the covert narcissist. A true wolf in sheep's clothing.
Idk why they got worse over time instead better especially with maturity? Time to go back to therapy!
NaTallyanna4 We do learn from experience, but in general codependency like any addiction, left untreated worsens in time. Positive relationships and experiences can also raise our self-esteem and make us more autonomous. On the other hand, being alone doesn't always change us, but merely avoids the problems of intimate relationships.
Darlene Lancer Thank you so much for the reply greatly appreciated!!
I have been watching your seminars and the way that you explain codependency makes it all really click. Especially since it's such a hard topic to understand for lot of people. Its really amazing how much we can bury in the back of our minds and remain in an unconscious denial.
Thanks again!
How do i stop it :(((( i just dont want it anymore. Im in a abusive relationship for 5 years. Cant let go.. Man is a Narcisst my father to
I will buy your book. Thanks for your video.
wow,.....great vid.......VERY informative and practical.....
Thank you! For more information, interviews, blogs, books, and 14 free Tips for Letting Go, visit my website: www.whatiscodependency.com. Happy New Year!
Codenpendence is a disease that all suffer from unaware. I appreciate the video presentation.
Thank you so much for this video!!!
+Mary Mac You're welcome! Glad it was helpful. Find more information on the subject at www.whatiscodependency.com and see my books and blogs.
This notion is foreign to me, but this could be due to my lack of psychological knowledge. From my understanding, ‘self’ Is not something innate but rather something to be acquired, a sort of new unshakable confidence held together by a firm set of beliefs, values, tastes, desires and opinions. Once one achieves this ‘self’ they are essentially consciously in the driving seat and ready to swerve out of the way of influences they sense can cause them to lose their sense of self. On that premise, my one question to you miss Lancer is that is it possible that a person is more liable to be codependent if they have no knowledge of self and thus are whirled by the winds of the world because they have no self-driven direction? Or can even a person with a strong sense of self still be codependent?
+Jedi Maneuvers Codependents have a weak sense of self even those who are opinionated and appear strong. The Self is IMO part innate and develops through proper nurturing and mirroring. Codependents don't get that.
I explain the development in "Conquering Shame and Codependency." They inwardly doubt themselves due to shame.
Thinking of your "Self" as something separate from your "person" is not a healthy way of thinking. Check out the teachings of Alan Watts to get a better understanding
The Self is different from the persona. See Jung. Watts is terrific, but coming from a different perspective.
leftyfourguns anything of watts you recommend ?
You can listen free to some of his podcasts. I haven't read much of Watts, but you may like "The Wisdom of Insecurity," and "Becoming What You Are."
Audio is terrible but content is great
My apologies. Was a fan in the room. Listen to other RUclipss and many podcasts and blogs on my website. See the Media page.
He is a very good man, but he never wants me to go anywhere w/o him, I work w/him at his auto shop, we do everything together, and even when I want to leave, he acts so paranoid and awkward about it. I cannot say exactly how I feel all the time because I fear what he'll say, if he'll get mad, or if he's even listening! I'm so used to taking care of everyone else .. but I'm sick of it! Am I codependant?
I tend to hide my true self behind my hobbies if that makes any sense ...
Check out my website, join CoDA.org, and do the exercises in my books, and see changes unfold.
There are so few single interdependents these days Darlene. Im most likely going to be single forever.
True! See my blog post www.whatiscodependency.com/are-you-codependent-or-interdependent/
Thank You Darlene. Bob
You're welcome. Find lots more information , free talks and blogs at www.whatiscodependency.com
@@DarleneLancer I have and will continue. Bob
@@DarleneLancer OMG I've been highlighting your workbook without putting together the Author 0n the page. Cover. And you gave me encouragement. My Malise lifted when Mindfulness and writing and practice of Old Ideas turned into New Ideas. Once.treatimg the untreated . For me it's " undoing" . Thank you for so much. Bob
Good video! I'd like to add: Want to help cure Codependency? Know the traits of the conscienceless people camouflaged among us. It is important codependent people know the traits of the type 1 sociopath, sociopath, and psychopath. These individuals prey on people who have codependent tendencies. They cannot feel love, remorse, guilt, or empathy but they are amazing pretenders. They secretly love power and control and hurting people. They can be the belittling teacher, the abusive spouse, the preacher who crosses boundaries, and the gossiping family member who causes division.
Traits are: sexy, gorgeous, charming, talented, brilliant, fun, funny, and/or highly educated-which they will use to get into your heart and psyche. Once there, then they will be controlling, isolating, manipulating, and may cheat, lie, etc. If you want to prevent domestic abuse: know the traits of the sociopaths among us! The type 1 sociopath is conscienceless but rarely does anything illegal, immoral yes, illegal-no. Conscienceless people will make you codependent. Their victims may feel depressed and suicidal. Also, they need stimulation such as alcohol, drugs, sex, shopping, creating businesses, scams, etc.
CONSCIENCELESS PEOPLE are the best kept secret in plain sight. We should never label anyone as being conscienceless- love them and pray for them with stronger boundaries and from a distance if necessary. And if they are a loved one, best to seek counsel in a mental health professional who specializes in this sort of personality disorder.
If you are a loving, compassionate person with a gentle spirit, most likely you have at least one type 1 sociopath in your life right now. I am still waiting for the psychology field to make the connection between abusive people and conscienceless people and people with LEARNED conscienceless traits.
I read a book on domestic abuse- ALL THE TRAITS stated in this book, and no mention of sociopath or psychopath. Mistake. It is truly empowering when we know and can recognize sociopathic traits. Narcissistic traits as well.
I would like to see this study: a study of the people around the codependent people who have low self esteem. I bet ya' there is at least one controlling, manipulating conscienceless influential person in their life.
Dr. Lancer, thanks for your video. Very good information. My advice to all therapists is to make your loving, gentle patients know the traits of the narcissist and sociopaths/psychopaths and type 1 sociopaths camouflaged among them. Best kept secret.
See my blog: www.whatiscodependency.com/sociopath-vs-narcissist/ and others on my website on narcissists.
Refreshing that you bring to awareness conscienceless people. Thank you! I will now read all your blogs and vlogs. Thanks again.
Damn. This hit hard
Healing is entirely possible.
Great resource.
Thank you. Check out www.whatiscodependency.com
I know I am codependent, I would like some help..
There is help! I encourage you to seek counseling and join a support group, like CoDA or Al-Anon. There's lots of free information on my website, www.whatiscodependency.com. Follow my blogs and Facebook or Twitter posts. Start working the exercises in "Codependency for Dummies,"
I always worry about what others think of me ...
So much great info.
Glad it was helpful!
the audio sounds like it was recorded with a pile of needles. the highs are so fucking sharp
Austin L Yes, we did our best to correct it. Unfortunately, the problem was caused by the air conditioning fan.
Wow. Ty.
Thank you! Learn more on my website and daily posts on Facebook at Codependency Recovery.
Codependency is not a disease, it is dis-ease.... it is only described as one so it can be covered by insurance - Pia Mellody
It's not covered by insurance and not a diagnosis. It's been analogized to a disease because it has the same trajectory as one and is chronic. See www.whatiscodependency.com/codependency-addiction-stages-of-disease-and-recovery/
Use the microphone!!!
Definitely me in a nutshell....
Omg what The background noise
My apologies. We were unable to remove more of it.
+Darlene Lancer no problems I try to watch it again on an other device , think my autism make it a little harsh al these noises
I find this fairly hard to understand how this co dependency works. Thanks
There's lots more explanation at www.whatiscodependency.com and if motivated in "Codependency for Dummies."
Codependency was contrived and subsequently published in the 1980''s. Please make an effort and research this.
What a pity the background noise is so bad
You label me I label you so I dub the unforgiven.
oooooo. I KNEW IT. "Male chovanist". stay at home mom's HAVE to be codependant. of course!
I find the language of psychology to be like gible gable for the main stream. It's unconnected to circumstance. Rarely is cause and effect even clear. It doesn't take into account external forces that shapes ones life. Things like poverty, race, nationality, gender seem overlooked. For example how immigrant children are treated in the US , how do you suppose that effects an impressionable child when they become adults. How many (cultural) frogs did you have to swallow verses a native born?
A good therapist would certainly take into consideration all relevant aspects of ones life. In fact, in my books I discuss cultural differences. For example, codependency is a very Western concept and normal in many collectivist cultures.
no sense of self, seek others to give me identity and confirmation of who I am,, controlling self grandiosity negative narcissistic bullying hovering mother figure who has passed now, catholic church that made me fearful of God and of who I am, and laying huge guilt trip on me, yeah, after all these 60 some years of trying to figure out who the heck I am, not fun.
Shame is at the root of it all. See "Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You."
Ok, thank you very much Darlene, I appreciate your response. :) Been to many many 12 step meetings in the past, so am very familiar with material but haven't been for awhile, need to find suitable meeting, few and far between, was looking on youtube for possible meeting, don't know if there is such a thing. Bless You and your work. Pama
Since you're familiar with meetings, have you worked the Steps? See "Spiritual Transformation in the 12 Steps." bit.ly/2kfPvqQ or amzn.to/1FkO6l4
I have worked some of them, but like I said its been awhile, maybe 5 or 10 years, the group I used to go to is no longer., so unfortunately I have fallen away from the readings, and the path, etc,
I can see you have written quite an assortment of books, I will definitely look into them.
Sounds like people moving furniture in the background, i couldn't listen to this..
That's why CoDA and starting recovery can help!
My
Are you being one? I am not.
bs--why does there have to be a name for emotions,,sick of that..oo I feel depressed--o--because my hubby hit me---oo I feel alone--oo--because I depend on my hubby,hes not here rite now..you feel because its life.and we go thru things,shit.