The issue isn’t about allowing displays of anger. Rather it is at the parent containing the anger and managing it appropriately. What is not helpful is if the parent does not survive the anger, ie, the parent falls apart, over reacts or behaves irrationally in the face of the child’s anger. If so, the child learns that their anger is dangerous because it is more powerful than the parent. So the parent should absolutely demonstrate that displays of anger aren’t appropriate but in a way that also shows that the child’s anger is not able to destroy them. See winnicott for a better explanation.
Wow, this is truly the best explanation I have ever come across in all my years of therapy and research! I have known of all these concepts for years but this video helped me fully understand with real clarity and in a way that makes it so much easier to implement the knowledge in a real life way. Thank you so much! This is a real game changer! ❤
I really appreciated the deep dive into how our childhood experiences shape our emotional responses as adults. It's intriguing, yet somewhat daunting, to realize that our adult reactions often stem from these early adaptations. Personally, I faced bullying and teasing throughout my school years, except for university. This experience molded me into a person who is reserved and anxious in social settings. My brain and emotional system developed a schema that solitude was safer than facing potential harm from others. This kind of therapy has been instrumental in helping me unpack and update this schema. I'm grateful to you and my therapist for providing the language and perspective needed to trace the roots of my anxiety. It's been transformative, turning my anxiety from a dominating force into something more like sitting down with an old friend.
I am really enjoying these videos and so glad I came across your channel. I like how they provide a different perspective to issues that we tend to have as grown ups (eg. ) low self esteem, and to be reminded that we are not “defective” in some way- that there is a “logical” explanation to why we feel/act as we do at certain times. I see many similarities with the concepts of Internal Family Systems therapy by Richard Schwartz.. I read a lot of IFS titles and am doing my own inner parts work etc. . However you have worded concepts in a great way that makes things click in place- they jog my memory of certain childhood experiences like “a-ha, that makes sense” moments! Sometimes a different explanation can create a new sense of awareness to help heal certain wounds and this in itself provides a sense of hope. Please continue your great work! I’m very grateful 😊
I actually just started posting a 5-part series on IFS this week!! I'd be curious what you think of it, and whether it would also produce any 'aha's or not, given that you already know the theory. Here's the link: ruclips.net/video/tNA5qTTxFFA/видео.html
Woah! I was utterly baffled by the sheer quality of this video when I stumbled upon it! I'm currently writing an essay on schemas and your video was more than helpful. Thanks!!
Hi there.. tried to message you but unable to do so, just wondered what information you found and how you wrote down. Would be helpful to know. Thank you
Commenting often because I am binging all of these videos. Another idea which comes to mind is how children or adults adapt to a situation in which their schema of reality has been challenged. For instance, a child might have a good relationship at home with their parents, but they might have a teacher which is verbally abusive when the child makes a mistake on a homework problem. It seems like this would "fragment" or "disorganize" the child's schema of the association between failure and punishment. I'd be curious to know how negative, mismatch experiences (like the one mentioned above) compare to chronic neglect. In one instance, a schema is fragmented and in the other hand, the schema is negative from the beginning. I could be understanding this process incorrectly, but I thought it was worth playing around with the idea.
Such a great question!! I think about these things often...like about the more subtle learnings and 'unlearnings' that happen throughout a lifespan. Honestly we probably don't fully understand when MR is happening, for instance, versus some other type of learning (or really unlearning), but it is so interesting to think about. One thing that comes to mind in the example you gave is that the brain pays attention to context. So if the child has the schema 'no one will ever shame me for mistakes'--yes, that aspect might be 'disconfirmed' by the new negative experience. But it doesn't necessarily create a mismatch with the idea that I'm basically loved, safe, and that those who care won't shame me. Is this what you mean by the idea of a 'fragmented' schema? It's like our 'map' of the world becomes more complex and nuances as we experience the good and the bad. But I guess the bottom-line is that if the new negative experience is overwhelming and painful enough, it can certainly shake core schemas--and those experiences we call traumas. Thanks for your question, Garrett!! ;)
@@DrToriOlds I agree. It’s a relevance realization kind of mechanism. Some things are more relevant than others and hence get the relevance tag during memory consolidation. I could be wrong, but that is the way it appears to me. I hope science keeps working to understand this!
@@DrToriOlds in a strange roundabout way, I think I experienced trauma from psychotherapy. I had such strong beliefs which may have been denial that the people in my life were not the way that therapy showed me. So that contrast was overwhelming it was traumatic. Shocking. I understand knowing the truth protects me in the long run, but it was hard to look at.
Thank you for all those amazing and informative videos! I wanted to ask about your perspective about something that emerges from my world with ifs. Since years I am working on in the direction to feel more of my emotions and have finally made some progress through all sort of modalities. Now I came across across parts work and I love it. I have parts popping up with names of „bad“ emotions but I am not really feeling the emotions that much, rather getting clues about programs and beliefs how I navigate life. I am a bit afraid that through parts work I am kind of depersonalizing and externalizing myself and my emotions. It‘s finally giving me reasons for my opposite desires but somehow it feels like this could also create more of that. It somehow personalizes and gives voice to stuck hidden stuff but also feels like it’s depersonalizes it. Is there a danger of kind of loss of identity or feeling completely split and deintegrated?
So relieved to have found this clear and reassuring explanation of schemas. My therapist said we would work on my schemas next week and I've been worrying about what to expect Now that I know that schemas are the little maps we draw in childhood to ensure survival I feel I can work with that. I'd also been spooked by the word 'maladaptive' but this video shows the strategies worked successfully in childhood, they just need updated for adult life which makes more sense. Off to watch Memory Reconciliation now!
Oh, that's great to hear!! Yeah, there is nothing pathological at all about developing 'schema's or road maps on how to survive!! We need to be able to do that!! It's just we also need to be able to 'update' them as well ;)
Excellent video Dr. Olds! I've listened over and over again...please give me a replacement for "defense mechanism" you mentioned "adaption" can you give the full language please? would it be "they are using an adaption? vs. They are using a defense mechanism"
Let me see if I can answer your question, and you can let me know if I don't quite hit the mark. "Defense mechanism" is just an old, psychoanalytic term meaning the ways we learn to be, or things we learn to do (like disconnect from our emotions, not let people close, drink, etc.) that serve to help us 'defend' (protect) ourselves from getting hurt in some way (for instance if emotion was overwhelming to us as a child because we were alone with our feelings, then we might learn not to feel). When I use the term 'adaptation' here I am meaning the same thing--the ways we 'adapt' or change or learn to be, in order to survive. It is healthy to develop defenses, or adaptations, but they also usually come with costs, which is why in therapy we explore which ones we no longer need and try to 'unlearn' them, so to speak.
@@DrToriOlds Your explanation was great. I will like to adopt your "adaption" word when I mean "defense mechanism".... did you coin this "adaption" terminology?
Is it always necessary to express or fully feel emotions or does learning self-control require the suppression of emotions? Are emotions like a pressure that has to come out, or are they like a controllable reaction in which appropriate behaviour has to be cultivated or mastered? What does the research say, and are these ideas of how emotion works based on some underlying metaphor?
I had childhood trauma and I’m still learning how to support my toddler’s emotional health better. My question is, when I have an off day, does that impacted my child in a negative way right away even I apologize the same day?
Great question! You know, the truth is we both positively and negatively impact our kids and each other all the time, every day. There is never perfection…but luckily there doesn’t need to be. I applaud you for doing your best to protect you child from your own states-of course that is important work. But everyone has off days, and I will say that making that “repair” can be powerfully positive, sometimes even enough to do more than make up for any negative impact. But will there be small wounds and negative things our kids pick up? Yeah. But we can only do our best, and continue to heal and grow day by day…and that is such a gift to our kids when we are even setting the intention to do that :)
Hi, I'm not able to listen to the videos, but the closed caption aren't readable. Are the scripts for the videos in transformation series available, please? Many thanks
Of course! Thanks for emailing me too. I'll email you back with the transcript! I'm new to RUclips, so I'll look into how to improve Closed Captions. Maybe that is something I am supposed to enter myself so that it is actually accurate. I'll research it! :)
5:58 That explains why I had severe emotional problems. I thought there was something "wrong" with me until I realized I was emotionally neglected.
The issue isn’t about allowing displays of anger. Rather it is at the parent containing the anger and managing it appropriately. What is not helpful is if the parent does not survive the anger, ie, the parent falls apart, over reacts or behaves irrationally in the face of the child’s anger. If so, the child learns that their anger is dangerous because it is more powerful than the parent. So the parent should absolutely demonstrate that displays of anger aren’t appropriate but in a way that also shows that the child’s anger is not able to destroy them. See winnicott for a better explanation.
At age 61 this is the most concise and efficient explanation of the formative years of early childhood. 📚
🍀 I’m one lucky guy to find this video!
Thank. you for taking the time to explain a complex subject in a very simple manner. That's a rare quality.
You're welcome, Gerry!! ;)
Such incredible stuff. Thank you for putting this out there for us to see
Deep, this should have way more views. Very well explained - thank you !
Thanks so much for saying so!! I really appreciate it :)
Wow, this is truly the best explanation I have ever come across in all my years of therapy and research! I have known of all these concepts for years but this video helped me fully understand with real clarity and in a way that makes it so much easier to implement the knowledge in a real life way. Thank you so much! This is a real game changer! ❤
thank you, your videos are always so concise.
Excellent explanation! Thank you doc. 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
I really appreciated the deep dive into how our childhood experiences shape our emotional responses as adults. It's intriguing, yet somewhat daunting, to realize that our adult reactions often stem from these early adaptations. Personally, I faced bullying and teasing throughout my school years, except for university. This experience molded me into a person who is reserved and anxious in social settings. My brain and emotional system developed a schema that solitude was safer than facing potential harm from others.
This kind of therapy has been instrumental in helping me unpack and update this schema. I'm grateful to you and my therapist for providing the language and perspective needed to trace the roots of my anxiety. It's been transformative, turning my anxiety from a dominating force into something more like sitting down with an old friend.
Beautiful. This is a wonderful explanation. Thank you
I am really enjoying these videos and so glad I came across your channel. I like how they provide a different perspective to issues that we tend to have as grown ups (eg. ) low self esteem, and to be reminded that we are not “defective” in some way- that there is a “logical” explanation to why we feel/act as we do at certain times. I see many similarities with the concepts of Internal Family Systems therapy by Richard Schwartz.. I read a lot of IFS titles and am doing my own inner parts work etc. . However you have worded concepts in a great way that makes things click in place- they jog my memory of certain childhood experiences like “a-ha, that makes sense” moments! Sometimes a different explanation can create a new sense of awareness to help heal certain wounds and this in itself provides a sense of hope. Please continue your great work! I’m very grateful 😊
I actually just started posting a 5-part series on IFS this week!! I'd be curious what you think of it, and whether it would also produce any 'aha's or not, given that you already know the theory. Here's the link: ruclips.net/video/tNA5qTTxFFA/видео.html
This is amazing insight by Dr. Tori Olds
Woah! I was utterly baffled by the sheer quality of this video when I stumbled upon it! I'm currently writing an essay on schemas and your video was more than helpful. Thanks!!
Hi there.. tried to message you but unable to do so, just wondered what information you found and how you wrote down. Would be helpful to know. Thank you
So helpful, thank you. Cptsd and bipolar from narcisstic parent and continuing life events.
You're welcome!
Really helpful thank you so much for this series ❤️
You're so welcome! Thanks so much for leaving a supportive comment! :)
Great work. Excellent integration of concepts. Very helpful.
Thank you!!!
Beautifully put 👍 thanks for this 😊
My pleasure 😊 Thanks for the kind comment!! :)
Love this series. Truly deep and full of insights.
Thanks so much, Vishal!! I truly appreciate it :)
@@DrToriOlds Pleasure is all mine. :)
Commenting often because I am binging all of these videos. Another idea which comes to mind is how children or adults adapt to a situation in which their schema of reality has been challenged. For instance, a child might have a good relationship at home with their parents, but they might have a teacher which is verbally abusive when the child makes a mistake on a homework problem. It seems like this would "fragment" or "disorganize" the child's schema of the association between failure and punishment. I'd be curious to know how negative, mismatch experiences (like the one mentioned above) compare to chronic neglect. In one instance, a schema is fragmented and in the other hand, the schema is negative from the beginning. I could be understanding this process incorrectly, but I thought it was worth playing around with the idea.
Such a great question!! I think about these things often...like about the more subtle learnings and 'unlearnings' that happen throughout a lifespan. Honestly we probably don't fully understand when MR is happening, for instance, versus some other type of learning (or really unlearning), but it is so interesting to think about. One thing that comes to mind in the example you gave is that the brain pays attention to context. So if the child has the schema 'no one will ever shame me for mistakes'--yes, that aspect might be 'disconfirmed' by the new negative experience. But it doesn't necessarily create a mismatch with the idea that I'm basically loved, safe, and that those who care won't shame me. Is this what you mean by the idea of a 'fragmented' schema? It's like our 'map' of the world becomes more complex and nuances as we experience the good and the bad.
But I guess the bottom-line is that if the new negative experience is overwhelming and painful enough, it can certainly shake core schemas--and those experiences we call traumas.
Thanks for your question, Garrett!! ;)
@@DrToriOlds I agree. It’s a relevance realization kind of mechanism. Some things are more relevant than others and hence get the relevance tag during memory consolidation. I could be wrong, but that is the way it appears to me. I hope science keeps working to understand this!
@@DrToriOlds in a strange roundabout way, I think I experienced trauma from psychotherapy. I had such strong beliefs which may have been denial that the people in my life were not the way that therapy showed me. So that contrast was overwhelming it was traumatic. Shocking. I understand knowing the truth protects me in the long run, but it was hard to look at.
thank you for sharing very helpful 🤗
Another great resource. Thanks.
Thanks Michal! I appreciate your saying so! :)
Great explanation!!!
Excellent description!!!
Thanks!
Thank you for all those amazing and informative videos!
I wanted to ask about your perspective about something that emerges from my world with ifs.
Since years I am working on in the direction to feel more of my emotions and have finally made some progress through all sort of modalities. Now I came across across parts work and I love it. I have parts popping up with names of „bad“ emotions but I am not really feeling the emotions that much, rather getting clues about programs and beliefs how I navigate life.
I am a bit afraid that through parts work I am kind of depersonalizing and externalizing myself and my emotions. It‘s finally giving me reasons for my opposite desires but somehow it feels like this could also create more of that. It somehow personalizes and gives voice to stuck hidden stuff but also feels like it’s depersonalizes it.
Is there a danger of kind of loss of identity or feeling completely split and deintegrated?
So relieved to have found this clear and reassuring explanation of schemas. My therapist said we would work on my schemas next week and I've been worrying about what to expect
Now that I know that schemas are the little maps we draw in childhood to ensure survival I feel I can work with that. I'd also been spooked by the word 'maladaptive' but this video shows the strategies worked successfully in childhood, they just need updated for adult life which makes more sense. Off to watch Memory Reconciliation now!
Oh, that's great to hear!! Yeah, there is nothing pathological at all about developing 'schema's or road maps on how to survive!! We need to be able to do that!! It's just we also need to be able to 'update' them as well ;)
Excellent !!!!!!!!!!!
this hits home
Very Good video!! ❤️
Thanks so much!!
You're welcome! ;)
This really resonated with me
Oh good! ;)
Excellent video Dr. Olds! I've listened over and over again...please give me a replacement for "defense mechanism" you mentioned "adaption" can you give the full language please? would it be "they are using an adaption? vs. They are using a defense mechanism"
Let me see if I can answer your question, and you can let me know if I don't quite hit the mark. "Defense mechanism" is just an old, psychoanalytic term meaning the ways we learn to be, or things we learn to do (like disconnect from our emotions, not let people close, drink, etc.) that serve to help us 'defend' (protect) ourselves from getting hurt in some way (for instance if emotion was overwhelming to us as a child because we were alone with our feelings, then we might learn not to feel). When I use the term 'adaptation' here I am meaning the same thing--the ways we 'adapt' or change or learn to be, in order to survive. It is healthy to develop defenses, or adaptations, but they also usually come with costs, which is why in therapy we explore which ones we no longer need and try to 'unlearn' them, so to speak.
@@DrToriOlds Your explanation was great. I will like to adopt your "adaption" word when I mean "defense mechanism".... did you coin this "adaption" terminology?
@@rojocosmic No. It's the term in psychology.
Yes
Is it always necessary to express or fully feel emotions or does learning self-control require the suppression of emotions? Are emotions like a pressure that has to come out, or are they like a controllable reaction in which appropriate behaviour has to be cultivated or mastered? What does the research say, and are these ideas of how emotion works based on some underlying metaphor?
How much does socioeconomic factors affect schemas? And what does it look like for each of the classes?
1:40 makes a lot of sense 😂
❤❤❤
I had childhood trauma and I’m still learning how to support my toddler’s emotional health better. My question is, when I have an off day, does that impacted my child in a negative way right away even I apologize the same day?
Great question! You know, the truth is we both positively and negatively impact our kids and each other all the time, every day. There is never perfection…but luckily there doesn’t need to be. I applaud you for doing your best to protect you child from your own states-of course that is important work. But everyone has off days, and I will say that making that “repair” can be powerfully positive, sometimes even enough to do more than make up for any negative impact. But will there be small wounds and negative things our kids pick up? Yeah. But we can only do our best, and continue to heal and grow day by day…and that is such a gift to our kids when we are even setting the intention to do that :)
what are primary and secondary schema triggers? ty
Great Job Tori 👍, I know therapists are known to be smart and informative. But pretty too?
Haha!! That's always nice to hear!
Hi, I'm not able to listen to the videos, but the closed caption aren't readable. Are the scripts for the videos in transformation series available, please? Many thanks
Of course! Thanks for emailing me too. I'll email you back with the transcript! I'm new to RUclips, so I'll look into how to improve Closed Captions. Maybe that is something I am supposed to enter myself so that it is actually accurate. I'll research it! :)
👏🏻👏🏻😊
;)
I really interest SCHEMA.
Me too!