The trap of understanding: considerations are concessions
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- Опубликовано: 18 апр 2024
- The idea that mutual understanding naturally leads to the cessation of conflict is erroneous. While understanding may help people respond to others with greater patience and compassion, it does little to change the original needs and desires that demand understanding. Those who seek to be understood are asking for a concession: they want others to change because they believe they can't (or won't) do so themselves.
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Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world.
#psychology #selfimprovement #selfcare
The idea that mutual understanding naturally leads to the cessation of conflict is erroneous. While understanding may help people respond to others with greater patience and compassion, it does little to change the original needs and desires that demand understanding. Those who seek to be understood are asking for a concession: they want others to change because they believe they can't (or won't) do so themselves.
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oriontarabanpsyd.com/consultations
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Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world.
#psychology #selfimprovement #selfcare
wait what ?/ conflict resolution is a process. yap there is couple strategies to go, but thing is, i hear from you same conflict resolution technique as you presented as inefficient prefiosly in a start of this video. i heard many words of wisdom from you, but i refuse to agree this is one of them. let me lay it as i understood you from this video
1. lady dont want much sex but her husband whants more.
2. lady asks for understanding (you catch it like : stop being so horny, i don't want this much, stop acting that way)
3. you presented train of thoughts : lady it is childish disingage just because you doesn't like it, you making hard to love you, stomp comply and surrender, make yourself easy, and it is your job to be lovable so i don't have to engage in a conflict in your presence.
so, i see this as a dirrect reflection of her behavior, you demanding compliance whithout any progress of conflict resolution. you just saying : see how unplesent you made me feel ? i made you feel the same way, if you talk to me like that, than you understand this language, so i repeated this and it ll be enough to change your behaviour, otherwise you are hypocrite so i ll leave
(basically "you bozo, no you bozo" strategy) this way you ll filter people who can't engage in a conflict and ll surrender and comply every time something would be in a question, if you whant someone spineless it is a good strategy, can't recommend this to anyone
i tried many strategies to resolve conflict, and this one works for me:
1 collect the data
2 problemsolve together
3 make some hypotheses
4 try them
5 stick to those witch ll work, if time passed, and problem occured again, repeat steps 1-5
1. collect the data
- hey, we have a problem, can't give you more
- but you are so sexy, i want more (sad face)
- k there is my side of the problem pls understand this (-she should add something like this : so we can problemsolve to find possible sollutions to this problem)
now man in question as far as my understanding goes should act like this :
- i see, i see k there is my side of the problem pls understand this, so we can problemsolve together to find possible sollutions to this problem. pls understand me too
- k, i see
so data collected, on what side of the problem we should start to resolve this?
2. problemsolve together
- deep enough and detailed enough conversation to truly understand what problem is
3. hypotheses
- do you have an idea what we can try to make it work ?
- thats what i see for you to try, and thats what i can offer to try from my side, you ?
- i see, this what my ideas
4. pick and try
5 fuck those was bad, we need something different/ ou problem solved, do you liked solution, what we can do better ?
and only then, if a strategy as cristal clear and honest to both sides, if someone refuse to engage in it, and can't offer something better in return (also known as 5d chess players) - leave person in question cus they are refuse to engage in problemsolving activities, and if this a relationship dynamic - problems ll just grow infinetly.
im curious what you guys think of this problemsolving algoritm, is there any flaws i should adress ?
@@user-fl9kz7us6p Your problem solving strategy is ancient, well known and commonly practiced in most fields. The Americans call it "brain storming" because they enjoy buzzwords. The British refer to it as problem solving, generating options, or something similar. It is a sensible thinking format and can be practiced as an individual, a couple, or a group.
1. Identify and define the problem; face it as it is.
No distortion, no exaggeration or minimising; use accurate proportions and perspective.
2. List options and ideas; be wide minded and sharp minded, innovative, exclude nothing from the list; list all possibilities, even the silly and seemingly disagreeable ones.
Keep emotion, i.e., desire, personal preferences, likes/dislikes, irrational aversions/attractions, etc, temporarily silent while listing options/ideas.
3. Go through the list and weigh up every option according to careful judgement. Not according to impulse; do not put emotional likes/preferences ahead of better-judgement. Compare options.
Some guidelines for judgement, comparison, and selection: Is it: realistic? does it inconvenience anyone else? is it practical? what might be its consequences?
4. Assess the results of applying the option/idea to the problem.
5. If it did not work, select another option or make adjustments as required.
6. Make use of other resources if necessary.
(People, friends, family, media, library, professionals, etc.)
Here you seem to not be presenting what mutural understanding is
Funny how it is the women who asks for understanding in the good dr. example. Almost as if he were catering to a certain audience..
@@Kredefjeset Which audience, men in sexless marriages? Yea that's funny, fuck those guys' needs and wants nobody should care about them right, they're not people.
As a woman this video was an eye opener, and serves as reminder to me that all conflicts begin as an unmet need/desire. And while understanding can lead to compassion and forgiveness, meeting those needs are still required, beneficial long lasting solutions still need to be discussed. Seeking Understanding will not be used to avoid personal change.
When was the last time you voluntarily made a concession to a man out of deference to his explicitly stated emotional needs on your own initiative?
@ephraimwinslow Good question. I find that most western women are like toddlers when it comes to their 'needs' and feel entitled to getting almost everything they want. Also, a lot of their 'needs' would be better classified as wants IMO
This is true, but you don’t make concessions because of an understanding empathy phase, You have to also be able to sit in the tension of not knowing how to solve your problem, but believing with enough attention and willingness to learn that we can figure something out, you have to seek the superior third option that you don’t think exists. Faith isn’t religious, it’s regulating or regulating in a way that you can get out of fight flight freeze shutdown attatch cry for help, and commit to using the the new headspace, where you still don’t know, but have enough mental capacity to ask questions or learn to ask questions about a topic and you go about building a model, you consider both sides and you try to learn how to turn it into something better. Faith is just having faith in what you can create when your defensive nervous systems aren’t dragging you down.
@@dan3696
"Also, a lot of their 'needs' would be better classified as wants IMO"
They put in a literal lifetime of work conflating those two things.
@@ephraimwinslow Additionally you're supposed to anticipate those needs, rather than react to them when prompted. This is because failing to anticipate them would require the woman to list them, which would expose her as being the incredibly demanding/selfish person she is. It would also be exhausting for her to have to do (the act of constant listing "needs"). They'd far rather it be exhausting for the man instead.
The way he drops one f-bomb per episode makes him totally relatable to me
Fuck yeah.
It makes him less persuasive to me. Curse words are unnecessary for those who have enough noncurse words.
@@jonathanisernhagen6515Not really. If used just in the right time, those words can amplify the meaning. I think none of us viewers has any doubts that Orion is a well behaved and well spoken, very composed man.
@@MatiKosa Absolutely yes. No one doubts that a Lamborghini is a fantastically-engineered, high-performance car. But if you throw a shovel of pig feces across the hood and windshield, it distracts from the aesthetics, which is why people tend not to photograph them that way. Profanity is the verbal equivalent of pig excrement. If Dr. Taraban could find a way to get rid of it, he'd sound much classier and no less effective.
God knows why. What it also does is limit the scope for sharing the episode among friends who have no enthusiasm for profanity.
"Understanding me" == "I don't want to be accountable"
Yes, this vid by Dr. O is one of the best & a deep dive basic into 'the understanding' 3 card monty manipulation tactic. Next level stuff Doc. TY
99.9% of women's favorite words: "You don't understand me!" "Why can't you understand this/that?"
@@asolaris6470that’s why you flip it on them and use that game against them. If they walk away from that, how can you care considering you have an excuse?
@@asolaris6470
"What if my problem wasn't that I don't understand [women] but that I don't like them?"
Just as long as we all Understand that men can be women. Understand they can go in their locker rooms. Understand they can physically compete with them. We all need to Understand that biology isn't real.
The only people deserving understanding are people who actively work on the situation and WANT to accommodate YOUR desires too. But even then if they fail to make changes for long time, its better to look for someone else.
It can be a tad tricky, as often it’s prob good to allow them to talk until they are done while instructing them no “you” statements but only “I feel because I need statements” or “I feel” because once you can get a handle on that you can get to a seperate phase of problem solving, understanding and problem solving are not the same phase and don’t occur at the same time, they actually cant😊
I'm with you. I don't need perfection, just an honest effort. If I see that you're at least trying to accommodate my needs, I can be reasonably satisfied with that contribution. If nothing else, self consciousness may be OK, since you'll want to contribute more where you can and that may feel more balanced. But if I fully understand that you won't support me, won't try and don't even feel bad about it, I know I have to start looking elsewhere to get what I need.
I couldn't agree more
Does this also apply to MEN? Can women leave them if they rfuse to change anything about themselves?
@@tonybernard4444 trying to accommodate your needs by having sex when she doesn't want to... That is definitely not arousing and only going to kill her libido....
I made myself extremely simple to my boss. Very productive with no drama. Never asked for a raise but held on to what he said when I was hired. "You will be making this in a year if you do this, this and this." I did way beyond that. So much so that I had VPs coming to tell me what a good lil boi I was and taking me out to fancy lunches. When the year was up and and the raise was nowhere near what was promised I didn't say a word. Found another gig and turned in my notice. He asked why and was told he lied. Couple of days later he said he could honor the promised amount.........if I wasn't worth it 2 days ago why am I worth it now? Quit and moved on. Learned a bit. Mainly be mouthy as phuck cus if you make it too ez they take it for granted.
Good job. Management doesn’t understand we can walk away at any time
Women are truly simple, verbal abuse is a no way to their hearts. A man can win only with kindness. "Kindly" said verbal abuse is still a verbal abuse. Be aware and never submit to that my dear women friends!
You only speak about what women do wrong Orion all the time, and never about what they do right. Negativity is also a no way to women's heart. You are 9 sticks with 1 carrot. It can't build a working relationship. This is science, you said.
You don't get what you deserve. You get what you negotiate.
Literally might have forgotten.
Market economics isn't in tune with human evolution.
Yes, this does fit with my own experience. Couple's therapy where one party understands and makes changes, and more changes, and more changes. After many weeks the therapist suggests the other party should also try to understand and make changes. The response: I'm not capable of changing; it's too difficult. The whole process suddenly went pretty meaningless.
That's why therapy is insufficient. In Christian counseling, the command to repent is given to the obstinate and the threat of hell for refusing to change does indeed motivate behavior more
Couples therapy is worthless. It's either 2 vs 1 "she's right, you need to stop wanting sex" or it's just going through the motions to prepare for divorce. The couples that make it work WANT to make it work.
Men told to change: no problem.
Wahmen told to change: u gotta understand I'm not good at this. Let's stop trying to make me change 👎👎👎
understand = stand under
🎯
Exactly. All realtionships are about forcing your will upon others!
Omg that so clever. You reversed the words. Mind blown!
Thx it's just one of my many talents.
I have to tell people this all the time. I do understand. It still doesn't mean it's okay. At the end of the day, it's just an excuse for negligence. People should want to do better, for themselves and for others.
A power struggle is still a power struggle, especially when 'understanding' and 'communication' is used to hide the nature of the issue
That's what relationships are about. Power struggles. When in a relationship you must never cease to think: how am I projecting power now?
@@Kredefjeset sounds exhausting, if you aren't of that temperament - no wonder people prefer to play that game in the workplace but not in the home
@@OrwellsHousecatIf you are truly Alpha, you play it both at home and at work. Pull no punches. Your coworker, your boss, your wife your kids. Also go to Alpha boot camp once a year.
@@Kredefjeset almost noone is like that. Plus, real alpha don't go to boot camp to top up their alpha-ness - that's just a larp for people who are trying to be something they aren't
@@OrwellsHousecat i think the alpha Boot Camp was a joke lol
I understand exactly why my ex-wife is a controlling, narcissistic, aggrieved woman with the ego fragility of an enraged child. Didn't make it any easier to live with her (in fact, the understanding made it worse) and I'm so much happier away from her.
Understanding them is a lot like understanding coyotes. You're not suddenly overcome with the urge to go *fight* the damn things. You just judiciously avoid them because *why would you do anything else* to a coyote???
I’m always curious about the people who choose people such as your ex-wife. Not justifying her actions, but it’s important to have solid boundaries, core beliefs and values and have enough integrity to not let anyone keep us from adhering to these things.
@@DivineGoddessOnEarth
"Not justifying her actions"
No, just running interference for your team and/or sewing the seeds of doubt.
@@DivineGoddessOnEarth Absolutely. Nothing unique about my situation, which was a combination of "we-don't-fall-in-love-with-what's-good-for-us, we-fall-in-love-with-what's-familiar" and "but she's so wonderful in other areas that I'm sure I can HELP her!" So I've learned that angry, bitter women aren't good for me and to stay away from them, and that instead of trying to "fix" other people, I should concentrate on "fixing" myself.
Post nut clarity...just ask yourself, is it worth all the stress? The answer is in all likelihood is NO
Yep, ended a 10 year relationship because of this exact thing. Asked her to change for 4 years. I finally came to the understanding she wanted me to be better, but had no desire to improve herself.
At least you left but it took a long time. 🫡
Better 4 years than 20, or forever like most men!
Man, I had some girlfriends like that. I heard that "You just don't understand!!" so many times... I usually replied with "I understand. I just don't/can't agree with it. And in my place you wouldn't either."
Nothing ever worked. Ever. These are people focused on creating problems and rejecting solutions. They fight you even when you agree with them. When you explain the mistake they're making, their face goes... error 404. After that, they may probably go psychopathic and start trying to demoralize/destroy you.
Today, after studying a lot, I know that is totally borderline and/or narcissistic. But at the time those happened, there was no internet with so many great videos about it. I wish there had been. Would have saved me a lot of energy and pain in life.
So today, when I bump into those "types", I know what to do. Just run.
Problem is: there are too many of those people. It's exhausting, sad, discouraging.
I really wish I could find a decent relationship opportunity. But gee...
This is double edge sword; on one hand being agreeable to fit the group and embrace consensus makes you lovable and likeable, but on the other being disagreeable opens doors (sometimes by confrontation and single-handedness) that otherwise would remain closed if not by daring to being unloved and controversial. There's a balance to be achieved but it requires the courage to draw a line on the sand, and let the chips fall where they may. Conflict has a role in nature as well.
I always get hurt by being too agreeable
This is what I think about most of the time. It is a difficult challenge to balance both
A very well presented rational explanation. Unfortunately, irrational people won't understand it because they don't want to.
Exactly! At least it's so enlightening so people can beware of them.
Wow Doc, you hit the nail on the head👌. My ex wife used this excuse. Yes, she was a victim of rape when growing up. However, everyone had to change without her changing her behavior.
She should have thought about that before getting married. Moving forward, if I ever get married again, one of my questions will be has she suffered any type of sexual abuse in her past.
Fuck that, she should have thought about that before getting raped. God damn women think they just can wear anything and have men "understand' we're not supposed to rape them.
Everyone has to solve their own problems (first) 👍
that's your fault for not vetting that out prior to marriage. you either got married way too early, ignored the red flags, or didn't make your expectations crystal clear prior to signing that contract.
@@BossItUp911 Chicks switch up during marriage, especially once they get comfortable and think they got you on lock.
My attempt to summarize:
- Understanding facilitates compassion. It does nothing to change dissatisfaction with a given relational arrangement/exchange of value.
- Seeking to be understood means you are offering a poorer/subpar value proposition.
- Rather than seeking to be understood, simplify yourself. This will increase your value proposition and improve your relationships naturally.
Personal commentary:
In the past I've sought to understand women/others and saw this as value offered. I did this because I wanted to be understood myself. Which I see now was a symptom of offering poor relational value. Tough but true.
It’s different if you’re offering value and want to make sure that person understands that you have more value than them. Then you’re just selling yourself better than them. Seeking to be understood when you offer NOTHING is the problem. Seeking to be understood when you offer VALUE is appropriating your own value effectively
This is my favorite video from Dr. T so far. So true that people try to force you change - if you would only “understand!” Furthermore, if you don’t “understand,” then they say YOU are the problem. It’s great!
Totally. You should never try to understand anyone. It all just about power.
Another golden nugget from Dr. Tarabin.
Brown. The nugget is brown.
Making the effort to first change myself before demanding change of everyone around me was a game changer.
“…everyone that exalts himself shall be humbled, and he who humbles himself shall be exalted.”
- (St Luke, 18 : 14)
Jesus is a fraud
🔥
Hear hear
The point is understanding and asking from support WHILE trying to work on yourself at the same time. One doesn’t exclude the other.
YESS. I realized this a few months ago. I realized no one was seeking to understand and had what they want. I was willing to understand and was unclear about what I want. Deciding understanding came AFTER they met my standard helped a lot.
“Business before pleasure.”
He that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.
Benjamin Franklin
Politicians
@@paulcolin9071 in Franklin’s case, a very wise one.
The point is solving a problem from both sides: asking for understanding and support WHILE working on yourself at the same time. One doesn’t exclude the other… and when there’s no improvement in a long time parting ways in a friendly and understanding manner.
You have to love how in the comments section, nearly everyone is saying that it is the OTHER person in their relationship who is the difficult, complicated, and demanding person. No one is admitting that they are this person and that they need to work on this.🙄
That’s the irony of this video. Of course, they all fell for it anyways
It doesn't make any sense lol...
TRUE! A lot of men here saying how "victimized" they are. No willingness to do ANY SELF EXAMINATION. Women were put on Earth to SERVE them without any needs of our won. And if we have the adacity to have needs, WE are the problem.
You just stated the exact thing I was thinking. This just proves the narcissism in today's society. I'm a man, recently divorced. I sure as hell know that I have contributed to the divorce, regardless the amount/percentage. I know as a person I need to be a better version of myself tomorrow than I am today. To think otherwise is simply lying to yourself.
@@user-cz5lj2vx1f You literally just proved that YOU are the type of person this video is talking about.
Asking to be understood has always seemed to me to be just an excuse. Thank you for clarifying and confirming.
If my wife were to say to me that she didn't want to have sex anymore, my response would be cool, I don't want to provide and protect anymore. I hope you "understand." Either way, the problem would be solved.
That's delusional. Her next move would be to GRAPE you at the family court, where she holds power over you
@@mikesolns1364 I hate that you are so right.
@mikesolns1364 You're right but consider this: which is better, losing money and possessions or losing your manhood and essentially becoming a slave to your wife's emotions? Squash that! At least I would have SOME agency.
@@23DanielVincentthe only winning move is not to play.
@@mikesolns1364ultimately it's cheaper to a man's well-being in the long run than caving in on something as essential as sex is to a marriage.
Dr. Orion you actually help me realize I need to meet with a professional psychologist. Thank you
“Meanwhile, the poor Babel fish, by effectively removing all barriers to communication between different races and cultures, has caused more and bloodier wars than anything else in the history of creation.” -The Hitchhiker’s Guide
In terms of long term relationships, “communication” can usually fix only small issues, improve some details etc.
If someone takes the spouse for granted, there is no amount of communication that can change that.
This is the most worthwhile, valuable channel on RUclips.
Wait till you find actually good Christian ones
Yes. I appreciate this message being shared
The Christian ones tend to be delusional and rely on platitudes as a replacement for measurable strategy.
Totally true if you want to die alone
I’ve seen this with difficult friends
Former Friend: “I’m struggling with complex trauma and anxiety issues which is why I’m really bad at communicating.“
I see, that’s understandable. Are you going to do something about it? (I’m paraphrasing, not as blunt in practice)
Former friend: “…”
I’ve learned to recognise this person immediately and not waste my time.
This is definitely an interesting occurrence and one that I also spot easier and easier as I become older. Whether at work or in personal life, I simply have more and more, I guess you could say, acquaintances than friends and a lot of it has to do with this exact thing. People simply expect you to put up or deal with their whatever thing. To have endless understanding and sympathy for whatever it is that is apparently causing them grief or discomfort or whatever else. I'm willing to understand and sympathize to a point. After that, I'm moving on to something/someone else. The only people in my life who have my endless understanding and sympathy are ones that have very clearly displayed to me that they have the same for me which is basically my immediate family and maybe like a couple of very good friends. Even when I was married, I could not get that from any of my in-laws despite trying many times to extend the olive branch sort of speak. Oh well.
Ah the old "love doesn't pay the bills" lesson. Cracked that in elementary school.
🤫
A line above your usual excellence.
Listened to it twice.
This deserves a name. I propose "Epistemic Politics."
I can't believe even this needs to be taught to people. Today's people are so Self-centred, narcissistic and entitled that they are so ignorant to other's shortcomings and difficulties. The people that want other people to understand them are ironically the people that need to understand others.
This is indeed a great video Doc, keep these content coming.
i was that person, always trying my best to be understanding. Only in hindsight can I see how so many times i got taken advantage of.
In your example, the understanding is only going _one way,_ and that is towards the woman. That said, you make an excellent point about how understanding is not a silver bullet when the needs and desires of two people are diametrically opposed, and compromise feels like coercion.
Plenty of women are in the position of "understanding" without the man being wlling to make any changes about any issue. A few months ago I ended a relationship just like that. If a woman ISN"T "understanding" the men here call her a selfish bitch. It's hwo women waste YEARS of our lives.
Absolute gold. Hit another one out of the ballpark.
This video certainly was one of the best you've uploaded!!! Thanks man!!!
Important message for an easier life. Too many people demand their behaviour to be accepted and understood while they have no understanding as to why their behaviour is so difficult and the impact it has on others.
And also are not willing to reciprocate but expect others to offer up endless understanding.
You put into words something that I have experienced in almost all of my relationships. My friendships, professional, and romantic relationships have seriously suffered because when I think that I am simply being a good person and hearing others out, giving them their argument, and really understanding where you’re coming from, they are hearing concessions concessions concessions.
Another banger! I really hope people will integrate this information into their personas.
I loved this and totally agreed, thanks.
So well described! I've had these same kinds of thoughts when I notice that people will often ask you to do what they themselves are not willing to do.
What a great video! Your work gets better and better
Hello Orion: Thank you very much for this. I have noticed that often when people ask for understanding, it is often a manipulative technique. Keep up the good work.
I knew a woman several years ago at work. She lived with her boyfriend who had a good job and was nice looking, and seemed like an all-around nice guy. She told me, "the reason I'm more successful with men than other women is because I overlook a lot." I think I had asked why she didn't get annoyed or upset that he was late picking her up the day before and she had to stand out in the cold parking lot waiting. Obviously she didn't whine, "Don't you understand that it's hard on me to have to wait for you" etc.
Yeah,because to people with adult emotionality know these kind of things don't matter,
Good thing you haven't known any women since
So she's a doormat basically
BRB, gonna send this episode to my past self
You speak in a clear and logical manner!!! It is soooooo unusual in our days!
One of your best yet sir! Thankful and grateful for the insight. Keep doing what you are doing. You are making an impact.
Brilliant. Thank you for this video.
Fantastic analysis - Thank you.
Perfect timing!
Wow, wish I heard this many years ago. An arrogant, demanding sense of taking yourself very seriously is oh so costly. Great thought. Thank you!
Awesome another great video Orion, thank you!
Dope. 👍🏾
Thank you, Dr. Taraban.
Another Orion banger.
I will "understand" and accept people for who they are the exact second someone else understands me and accepts me for who I am. I'm not holding my breath.
I don’t believe this is the right approach. You’re giving others power. Accept yourself regardless and have healthy boundaries and actually adhere to them (have integrity).
@@DivineGoddessOnEarthhe’s not giving power, he’s refusing to give them power unless they show him the power he deserves. This isn’t that hard of a concept
@@marcusmcgraw3519 Thanks for understanding me. LOL
@@DivineGoddessOnEarth Clarification: Everybody else wants complete acceptance while pointing out all the ways I need to change. I have completely accepted myself.
Wow, this was the best yet.
Most women are wired to be selfish. The impulses behind Hypergamy don’t just influence mate choice but (maybe subconsciously) encourages women to believe that they are entitled to “the best” of every situation….that often means that if they are not “coming out on top” of every marital conflict, contest or controversy (no matter how trivial) they feel deprived, exploited or unsatisfied.
Combine that with a strong societal narrative that they are '0ppr3553d' (and men are their '0ppr3550rs'), and you get the current intersexual dynamic.
Thank you for your insights . A lot of your videos absolutely fit with my experiences in the past and I did not realize what was happening in my relationships.
Thank you for sharing your knowledge with us.
Thanks very specifically for this episode, Doc. I listen to a lot of your content and I’m looking forward to reading your book. You have been a helping hand to me.
This may be your most brilliant and insightful segment. It held up a lot of mirrors for me re: a very difficult ( gaslighting, immature, in denial, controlling, critical, disrespectful) woman - who I just ended a two year relationship with. She's dismissive avoidant, and, in looking back - the amount of "understanding" she was requesting of me - was INSANE.
Glad to be out - and now working on "understanding" myself better - and how to recognize red flags.
Just want to say thank you for saving my marriage. Ur the best
Excellent perspective
Perfectly stated!
You are that one older brother that every man needs
Explaining the diction and 2nd, 3rd and 4th order consequences of this dynamic is mind blowing. Good framing.
I needed to hear this.
Your previews are great ❤
Wow. Great insight and so true
One of the best lessons!😮
One of the best episodes ever...in the history of yt
Spot on. I am tired of giving more. !!! I have a very expensive relationship. I have to face it. My needs will never again get met in this relationship. I have to become smiley john when I'm really dying at times. Horrible to have a normal body and attitudes when it's not appreciated not reciprocated . That's a hard drive to stop.
You literally took the words out of my mouth. This is what i have been trying telling people but refuse to understand, may be its because I dont have a psychology degree.
Men are so simple. Be loyal, supportive, great sex and silence. It can be written on back of a stamp.
Women's criterion for men, we'll you can fill up 2 novels and it's still not over.
It doesn't have to be great by any means. Just semi-regular and halfway interested.
💯
Sex, a sandwich, and a smile.
Simple.
I agree but woman want the same from a man.. Women marry the a man they not really turned on by..
I'd even say that the sandwich and smile are optional .
mine would be don't complain, lay on your back for 10 mins once a week. thats pretty much the only thing I can't get from anyone else @@jonmueller2117
Understanding why someone is hungry doesn't fill their bellies with food
Thank you for another insightful Video
another genius episode!
Great advice. Great video. - April
I'm a wife who is lacking sex from my husband for the past 16yrs for same reasons. He was exposed too early to porn (5 or 6yrs old). I guess he thinks he's defiling me?? I feel like such an idiot everytime Orion says woman don't have this problem. I even pay half the bills and only make 15-20k a yr. And he was making 75k. There's something more wrong with me than him, obviously, lol.
Porn is a poor excuse. Ted Bundy tried using it as well. He sounds mentally ill needs serious therapy before your relationship with him can possibly tenable. Seperation might help him realize what the issue realliy is. I'm assuming the sex WAS good at some poimt.When did his trauma renew in him?
You know, my marriage also ended and a lack of sex was also one of the reasons. I was the one not wanting sex but my wife wanted it. At some point my libido simply started to decline more and more. No porn addiction or anything like that. However, I was also increasingly stressed out which developed into a sort of depression. I felt dread having to come home from work. My wife was not abusive in any way that I can tell but she also at one point stopped paying attention to me being stressed out. At least this is what I think. Anyway, shortly after the divorce was finalized, my libido came roaring back and overall I live a much simpler and as a result much less stressful life.
I needed to hear this one. I tend to do this a lot...
I saw basically the same concept a lot at my job:
A lot of the drama came from people who didn't feel that their efforts were seen by others. Upon further investigation, and through simple observation, these same people were completely oblivious to the efforts of the same people they wanted to be seen by.
Everyone wants to be seen, but noone makes the connection that that means everyone else wants to be seen.
Switch 'seen' for 'understood' and you have this video.
Perfectly said wow
Also, constantly having to be understood builds silent resentment from those having to accommodate on most occasions. Sometimes you find yourself surrounded by “haters” you created who were at one point people who loved you deeply.
agree with this video 100% i wish more people understood this , no pun intended hahah
4:20 Nailed it - “it’s actually pretty selfish”. - welcome to the domain of the modern wife
Again, thanks D.O.T for boiling this down to the root. I know something was off or felt like a scam when people would do this like, "See! You get me!" Then I'd feel compelled to 'get (understand)' them. Keep the good info coming!
These videos are great.
Brilliant explanation.
Thanks!
Ok, good message
i really like this guy.
Thanks a lot for all yout videos! They were really helpful. I wish I had enough money to pay you back for all the value you've given me in my life. ❤
You are a genius. Fantastic content, as usual.
Makes a lot of sense to me.
beautiful!
Well, this is universal truth and to be applied by both partners.
Wow; I was not expecting that. As this video went on, it hit me how difficult of a person I am. I needed to hear that. Also, that Stellar GRE sounds quite appealing especially since I plan on going back to school. And, I can't believe you got a perfect score. Congratulations.
Also, don't confuse being less complicated with being less intelligent. Oftentimes people think that in order to be a simpler person in certain ways is to be dumber, which is not the case at all.