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I have been no-contact with my narc dad since Easter, a literal re-birth for me, I won! I am using Easter as an anology, not to be disrespectful of my faith, Catholic or taking the name of the Lord in vain, or sacreligious.
Or in my case and many other survivors' cases, you have a sibling that gets all the attention. They get what should have ALSO been given to you. So it's not like the narc parents don't know what they're doing or how to care for others, they've chosen to give it to someone more "worthy." And it's all toxic anyway. Ugh.
@@spacegirl226 I am also the scapegoat that got nothing but abuse and blame. I had to buy everything that I wanted. My parents bought both of my siblings bikes and my sister got a cat. I wanted a bunny rabbit desperately but never got one even though I was hyper-responsible. I ended up taking care of the cat.too. I feel for you and hope you are healing from the neglect and trauma.
@@julieann777 Man, I am sorry you went through all that garbage. It's not fair, and you didn't deserve to be mistreated. Do you have the ability to get a bunny rabbit as an adult? Because you should totally do that now that you can! Give yourself all the things you didn't get as a child, especially the love and respect that was demanded from you and never reciprocated. Have an internet hug from me. Healing is slow going. I'm unfortunately stuck living with the narc parent and golden child sibling and rebuilding my life from scratch after hitting rock bottom three years ago. I can't go no contact yet, but that is my ultimate goal so I can finally heal fully after I've gotten out of the abuse that ruined me so long ago.
@@spacegirl226 I pray your day of no contact is soon. I wish I hadn't waited so long. I was too darn loyal and accustomed to taking care of everyone but myself. It was a terrible mistake. I walked away at age 50. I am determined to live my BEST life now. I do not tolerate Narcissits any longer. I found it was impossible to heal while having relationships with my toxic family members. Please take care of yourself. ❤🩹❤❣
"Nobody is supposed to deal with abuse and craziness and remain healthy."...Thank you so much for saying that.In my own opinion 1 of the best signs of healing is when you CAN'T deal with this dysfunction anymore, you just can't be around it anymore... It's like a foul odor that you simply can't stand.
@@alicecoleman5532Sounds like you were quite the wise child🦉.The REALLY observant kids will tend to start questioning a narcy parent/sibling by the time they're around 10-12, something just won't seem right about them....I started questioning my sociopathic narc father at around the same tender age, by the time I was around 15 I basically needed a close pin on my nose because I couldn't stand the screwy behavior.No healthy person will EVER be able to thrive around them, no matter how educated & how healed we may become.
1. They won't change 2. Can't give you the approval you're looking for. 3. They will always put your needs last 4. You inherited their dysfunctional emotional reality If you can't handle their abuse and craziness then you are healthy....... 5.They were not able to move you 6. They cannot heal your trauma, your emotional wounds or need to love Self differentiation tips 1.Don't try to change them and don't change for them 2.Stop pursuing their limitations 3. You don't need them to understand for you to move on and self differentiation 4. Learn about narcissism and focus on you
I learned about narcissism years ago through reading and intellectual curiosity, and then with horrible practical lessons in the world, until I realised very recently that the problem was closer to home. Literally.
❤ Man your accurate. My mother is 70 ,her lying is getting worse,but she doesn't see that she aging and slipping up, not as sharp with her lies. Wow, now that I know what it is, I can protect myself.
Hi hon, get ready to there'll be past crap, stories which will probably come out of the closet, hope you're taking it all with much salt and find peace in your own mind, mine got hauled away with a Section 10, a danger to herself and others, call Adult Protection, get yourself or her a social worker, power of attorney would be great, next of kin works too, still powerful, feel sorry for anyone who must deal with her, mom went down while covid, even survived it, they'll the devil 😈 to pay and he keeps them around a long time!
You need to stop communicating with her. The lasting damage will further ruin you. My narcissistic mom died at 70 and I don't communicate with anyone in my narcissistic family/relatives.
@@Nehusker67 Start slow cutting contact and you can get to the path of self-healing. For me, that's not the case. I went cold turkey and blocked them all. You can also change your number.
Just remember, they have no guilt for the way they are treating you. You shouldn't have guilt for loving and respecting yourself! Make sure you have support for when you need to get over those guilt humps. Stay strong ✨️ 💪🏻
The healthier you get the less you can STAND being involved with these people. It took me so long to understand the apprehension I started feeling before interacting with these folks. My body literally didn’t want to go. Thank you No Contact 💯
Truth. ❤️ I inadvertently went low contact because they had expected me to do all the emotional labor or connection. So when I stopped because it wasn’t reciprocal, they got angry and started harboring resentment because I wasn’t doing all the work for them. Narcissistic behavior. I reconnected with my parents after years and while they had not changed, they were at the stage of looking to peacefully resolve their lives. I was able to have some quality conversations with my Father. Still marked by his self-importance, but I was glad he realized he hadn’t made any effort to connect and that’s why he had not heard from me for years.
Same, I started to feel physically ill before holiday gatherings with my family of origin and when I found out my father was moving back to the area where I lived the reaction in my body was visceral. That’s when I started back to therapy but this time with a therapist who practices EMDR and had knowledge of trauma.
I love the reassurance that if you can't handle their craziness and abuse it's because you're healthy. Yipee! I never thought of that before. I kept trying to understand but the reality is I'm healthy and they weren't.
I don't need them to be happy, period. I don't need them to be safe. I don't need them to be okay. I don't need their financial assistance. I don't need their emotional support. I don't need them to have a productive life. I don't need them.
You should want them to find happiness, be productive and safe.. otherwise you are the crazy one. Why wouldn’t you want this for yourself and for others? The point is you shouldn’t have to sacrifice yourself because of someone’s emotional damage where they claim that if you hurt yourself that THAT will make them happy, secure, prosperous.. It won’t. It cannot.
After I learned who I was, my strengths and weaknesses, when I was faced with the decision to care for my abusive parent in his dementia, I knew that I could because I knew who I was and could be as well as who he was and wasn't. And I knew I wasn't about to change and didn't expect him to change. It was one of the best emotional learning experiences of my life. I'm glad I didn't miss it. No abuse was accepted or even projected because he had become an emotionally small child and he was different. The entire experience helped me later, become a good mother (as my daughter now tells me and asks how I became one!)
@@pearpoSometimes we have to know that its ok to NOT want good things for ppl who just didnt or dont give a sh*t about us. Ppl who SHoULD have cared (parents). Ppl who worked very hard, their whole lives, in disregarding others and not caring. Sometimes its ok to say ‘ppl deserve to get what they give out’ and if they insist on living like that I am fine with it. It’s ok to NOT reward that kind of behaviour by ‘wanting them to be happy’.
@kittiesinclair I understand the perspective you are sharing very well, but it comes from your unresolved pain. Everyone deserves to be healthy, happy, secure with their needs met. It doesn’t mean it is your job.. AT ALL. But wishing hatred on others is about your pain and projecting that around. That’s a totally valid point of view as long as you don’t take actions to harm others. And people do seek Justice, of course. Vengeance always backfires. Always. Better to focus on your own healing. It’s a relative or someone from childhood and you heal and grow more you may understand my perspective. Best of Luck in your healing and meeting your own needs.
@meeeka Totally. Or “Totality” in the OSHA Zen Tarot Card Deck. I felt robbed of that experience by people who blocked me due to their greed. I did experience a sliver of what you described so well via phone conversations during a brief period of time when my Dad was free from his Gold Digger.
You definitely won't get their support. My experience is this: If it is not somehow going to benefit them, you can forget their support. It's sad that that's the case, that these are actually our parents that we are talking about, but that's the hard reality about it all.
You are right. Their narcissism comes before any maturity like caring for children. That said, at least in my experience, they do the best they can. My parents were not evil. Even though their capacity was deeply flawed. My golden brother and other family members were.
They dont change. I'm 59. I've decided not to go back. I don't have money, i had an operation that affected me and brought back childhood trauma, so I'm waiting on social housing to move me away from them. Bad neighbours also 😢 I'm very isolated. I'm standing up for once and not apologising for something I didn't do. This time, I'm not going back. Please pray that God blesses me with a fresh start. Thank you 🙏
I think one of the biggest challenges here is that the whole world seems to fully expect us to tolerate this abuse -- from employers as well as aging parents -- and they will excoriate and ostracize us when we refuse ... at which point it becomes nearly impossible to find support for healing. I keep bringing that up to narcissistic abuse professionals but everyone seems awfully reluctant to look that social monster (the near-glorification of narcissists & their accompanying abuse) in the face abd wrestle w7th it 😮❤
Yes! I worked in retail for many, many years and that whole "The customer is always right." is some of the most pervasive BS garbage. If the customer is always right, do I have to stand here while they shout at me for something that wasn't my fault or my problem? Can the customer speak to me in a mostly calm tone of voice and explain what happened so I can help them, or do I have to let them blow up at me because they can't control their emotions? Yeah, screw all of that. Abuse is abuse, and just because of some ridiculous mantra from the prehistoric age doesn't mean ANYONE has the right to yell at me. You get as much respect as you give.
@@spacegirl226'the customer is always right in matters of taste' is the full saying. It just means if they want to buy unflattering clothes, let them, it's their taste. It is maddening that abusive bosses have altered it and mal-adapted it.
It’s starts when children are young, even as the Christian thing to do. If someone is socially damaging or awkward, that person may be a threat to the other’s survival. But Christians are taught to be extra kind even to those who make us feel a bit uncomfortable. This is solid advice but the line is rarely drawn that some people make us uncomfortable on purpose to cause us discomfort or distress. Thank you Jerry for teaching us and using discernment.
@@pearpo The "Christian" way is what got me stuck in the destructiveness for so long. While I am still a Christian, I went no contact with my in-laws because I couldn't deal with the craziness any more. I was rarely fully comfortable in their presence and I should have trusted my gut a long time ago. Thankfully they are largely out of our lives, but it definitely changed our marriage forever.
The customer saying I understand because I am a good Mgr and will not allow my employees to be abused. They just get me and I take care of things. Which is huge conundrum personally as I am unable to do the same For myself w mommie dearest. I get triggered by the,"she's your MOTHER!"... Kills me!! That thing is an evil demon not my 'mother" Love to everyone here trying to figure out why we are trying to get out of a deep hole❤❤❤❤
So true. The last time I spoke to my parents they lied brother. I was told the truth prior to seeing them and acted dumb to hear what they had to say. I could not believe the blatant lies. They act like they have so much integrity.
It's (AMAZING) how badly these people will shoot themselves in their own foot if you just simply smile & play dumb while letting them talk....😳Their extreme arrogance is their undoing every single time ultimately.
Same here. I couldn't believe it!!! I was like 'who are you and what have you done with my parents?' 😱 You can only truly understand the devastation of it all if you've experienced it. Love and strength to everyone here 💛💪🙏✌️
Thanks everyone. My brother the lazy golden child and his CCP wife scammed me out of reconnecting with my aging parents to scam me. My brother only contacted my parents with his hand out. Needed in money or cars. He killed my Mom.
They're very selfish, it's like your job to take care of them, like an emotional caretaker, you can't have needs, choices, preferences, we have no problems and no pain, etc.. and you become invisible, especially if your siblings pick up their narcissistic personalities. Unfortunately I became the scapegoated. They're so controlling and manipulative, then when you realize what's going on, it's too late, there's no changing it and you know you've got to walk away because you can't change them, and they will always want to put you in the same place/roll, even after not seeing them for years 😥🙏🏻 They don’t change, they don't see anything wrong, because you're always the problem. And don't tell them they're narcissists to bring awareness to the dynamics, in hopes that things might change because you love them, don't do it, it just makes things worse for you, better to just let them go and move on. It's hard because it's your family but they will never see you any other way, then they always have. Sometimes it's better to allow yourself to be invisible to them, it's more peaceful 👍🏻
Omg yes. I'm currently living through this, as my counselor finally diagnosed my mother to me. It shattered me to learn the truth but it's setting me free. It's blowing my mind to see how twisted things have been for years and how conditional all the "love " has been.
Thank you for this reminder! I sometimes wish I had a support group of other scapegoats so that anytime I’m tempted to send a video like this to my siblings(narc father has passed and so has mentally ill alcoholic mother), I will pause and call a SG friend to remind me to not bother. They may love bomb and pretend momentarily they have the capacity to see you but they simply do not!
Realizing my parents are who they are and will never change was one of the key points that got me to go no contact. No contact has been the best years of my life. If you can get away, do so. So very worth it.
I agree. I went no-contact when I was 23 years old. To the best of my knowledge, she was still plotting revenge against me right up until months before her death at 85 years old.
Try wearing what your mom picked out for you, without being there. 😢 Also having three daughters one year a part that was all the same size, and picking the exact same thing for all of us. Uhhh ☹️ Didn't mind when I was younger, but notbas a teenager. 😢
Even if somebody apologizes it doesn't change the damage done. It takes a whole change of behavior and time to make things up. It's not that simple as I'm sorry
A narcissist is NEVER truly sorry for how they harm others or even destroying them. In fact, the opposite is true, they actually ENJOY it! NEVER, EVER believe a narcissist that apologizes. THEY DO NOT MEAN IT!
Exactly. I think they are more sorry for having to experience the taping part of what they've sewn for so many years... they want to treat you however they want and you just empty yourself out for them and jump through hoops all in search of their love and approval. It's sad and disgusting
@michelemiktus2312 It took my narc spouse 34 years to use the words, "I'm sorry," after all their crazimaking, and that was only under the threat of divorce. They were only worried about losing their supply.
Isn't it so awesome when you learn you Can Change? Lasting change. I can now pick an unhealthy tendency in me and initiate the process and within a short time I notice I have stopped one behavior or thought pattern or things I say, and am automatically responding in the few way.... Life is to much better healthy🥰
Learning how to actually emotionally validate ourselves & no longer seeking approval from dysfunctional people is a BIG milestone, it's something to be really proud of🌞👍🏻.
I so needed to hear "f you can't handle their abuse and craziness then you are healthy." I feel like a burden was instantly lifted. Tension was released. My heart opened some more. That will be the phrase I sit with for the next few days. Thank you Mr. Wise.
I honestly thought there was something wrong with me for running the other way and avoiding my narcissistic parents. I say this because my 2 other siblings seem to put up with them like nothing, I’m the runner 😂
I was in the hospital 3 times, not once did my mom come to see me. But she went to see my cousin, and she said she couldnt drive herself to come see me, I was there for 2 weeks, she was 15 min away, straight drive. Come and find out she drove herself 4 hours away to the casino, when I was in hospital. She called me once, during 2 weeks each time. I have taken her to all her dr. Appts, stayed with her at the ER, waited and stayed with her. 😢
Absolutely correct. The haven't and hadn't. I was gone nearly 30 years, returned for almost 5 before relocating back to Tennessee, and it was just like it was before I entered the military and started making my own way. They had just gotten older. I am no contact now. No contact means no conflicts.
I was gone for a decade. Nothing at all changed in that decade except my parents and sibling got older and WORSE. I simply cannot imagine not changing at all in ten years or even three decades. How is that possible? The mind boggles.
@@spacegirl226I was not contact for 30 years went back to try to make amends because friends suggested...it was a disaster but it did cause the ultimate no contact, move away, never to return again response.😊❤
Narcissists are always in this world where they think they are in control or have the power. The sad thing for them is when it gets towards the end of their reign and they are in their death throes and they lash out and threaten you by saying this is your last chance. They never realize that it's actually theirs...until it's too late.
At 80 years my mother has proven good and well everything stated in this video is completely accurate to the t. As a matter of fact shes getting worse,she has driven everyone away including friends.......
Oh lord, I'm in that place of epiphany. She drove me away then my aunt - we were doing our best to help her... Then an enabler brother had to step up, and he recently suffered a heart attack, so he's now out of the picture, she has no-one - my father is in a home dementing, so she has no more targets, scapegoats...
They seem to get worse with age and they'll try to isolate us as completely as we let them - I read the other day about a woman whose mother fully expected her to give up her job, leave her husband, and let her house go into foreclosure to come take care of her ... my father expected that from me too and I've paid a pretty steep price so far trying to avoid that fate, even though I took care of him in his bouts with sarcoma when my mother refused to and gave up a promotion to do it, and he promised to pay me back for the career-building time I gave up and he never did follow through on that empty promise
@@amarbyrd2520 i get it. I feel deeply troubled that I'm a terrible daughter, despite stepping up to the plate and living with both of them during covid and my brother's not once speaking to me to see how I was doing. That has continued to this day.
My mother has gotten so much worse with age as well. She recently had a heart attack and u was the only family member who showed up... coming from 8 hrs away. She barely spoke to me and only called me once since she arrived home bc she knew my dad was listening. I have basically gone no contact but she's stonewalling me anyways so it's been a real fun time. 🙄🙄😑😑😑
They will change but the tactics and manipulation will be very very harder. My mom can't use her tone with me anymore because I was avoiding her. She felt she's losing control. So she sort out to desperate plan of love bombing me and giving me unnecessary attention. It's literally the worst human form that i ever have to deal with in my life.
My father was a deadbeat so we know how that be? My mom reared us, but, emotionally speaking, we were put last. Barely, if any, emotional support and nurturing. And add emotional, verbal, while she will disagree, some physical abuse, we were basically neglected all of our young lives.
My father said, "I let your mother raise you." But the sad part was that she didn't raise us. She screamed at us and resented having to do the difficult parental things for us, just like he couldn't stand having to get involved AT ALL in his children's lives. My mother wanted to play house, and she thought having a family would magically heal her deep, deep trauma without her having to do much of anything at all. Then my father had the nerve to complain that my mother didn't care about him when he didn't bother getting involved in our lives and being a parent or a husband. He still complains about that neglect to this day and then turned around and neglected and still neglects his adult children. Oh boo hoo. Sadly, I married a man just like him who did the same complaining crap while also doing nothing to contribute to the relationship. Demons, all. I'm sorry you experienced such horrific neglect. Been there, done that, trying to heal.
I always believed my dad loved me. Very narc mother. I was staying with him in his last days He was not in a coma. Not once did he showed in any way that he saw me or said anything to me,
My father got bent when he sent a birthday text and I didn't respond back ! It's my fn day and don't wanna be bothered nor do I care it's just another day . The following day he saw me in town and decided to pull over to see if I got text , no how you doing how's it going just right for the throat . I told him I got message and he was like nice of you to respond back , I said you mean like that time you stopped at my house unannounced and I was at a horse lesson and when I saw your message and responded back I didn't here from you at all ! The look on his face as I said well I gotta go see you around ...
"I'll tell you how my Mom messed me up, if you tell me how yours did, you!" is a conversation i was willing to have (and have with my own child), but No Way would my adoptive Narcmom have deigned to such a thing.
I've always known they won't change. I've always known the only way my life will be worth living will be to leave them behind. I have tried to escape them time and time again, and they have thwarted my efforts every time. But not this time. I'm finally escaping them once and for all. Soon...
Hello.. i totally understand. for me i had to talk to mum like she was a young child yes, because emotionally that's all she could be, and then move on about my own life. ❤☘☘
There is a hierarchy in narc parents minds, they of course are at the top, most empaths are seen as pathetic and will ALWAYS be at the bottom..you can never change your 'label'. My older sister is my elderly father's Golden Child, she has lied and stolen from him..his reaction 'she got me this time, shes wyly not stupid like you' 😲 I didnt realise this was a 'thing' until my father was diagnosed in hospital after his stroke..my father blocked me legally from knowing his medical records, even though i was his carer, and he gave all power to my narc sister, who would visit once a week, nurse let it slip when he screamed at me that i was 'stealing his house'..my sister had talked to him and lied, how do you steal a house. they used shame and threats of disinheritance to force me back. Thank you Jerry ❤️
Complete and total rejection is THE way to deal with a narcissist. They believe you can't do that and will never get over the wound created by clear straight up rejection.
Their habit of twisting our brains with chaotic logic. Their habit of dismissing our serious life issues, claiming we're 'weak,' or 'dramatic' or it's all our fault somehow. When I sought help for the mental torment resulting from being the scapegoat to a narc parent, that parent scoffed at it - then stated that I must be mentally ill if I was bothering to seeking help.
you are spot on Jerry, if only I had know about this may years back, I could have protected myself somehow from the narc parent. I have realised that the commandments and the bible says nothing at all about us having to spend any time with the narc parents . To honour one's parents does not mean you have to spend time with them.
My parents never loved bombed me. They always showed me they didn't care the least bit about me or my children. In my late 20s I showed my whole family I was no longer going to put up with their abuse of me or my children. Some ppl believe u get lonely without family. I say u can't miss what u never really had. I feel so free without those ppl around me. With GOD u are never alone!!!
Jerry's got bars! He's spitting facts! These are the bitter pills we need to take in and process. I always appreciate your candor, Jerry. You're speaking from experience. You're saving us steps.
Jerry! U R The GOAT when it comes to helping us with the passage through this advanced and SO ESSENTIAL leg of The Healing Journey. I'm not opposed to MIRACLES either😂 but you are So Right- they do not happen almost EVER...nearly never with The Narc parent.That is so hard to accept. What IS a miracle is how every flipping time I hit PLAY on your vid when it pops up in my Notifications, which isn't every one (I'm often otherwise occupied at the moment they pop up and i rarely go backwards in my life to pick up something that is past now) so, it is a sort of Miracle of The Random Universe, every time. PreciousJames, below, outlined the main points and we👍 all just watched the same video, in theory, so I'll just say- Listen to this WISE man. He has worked out his salvation from the Family Entanglement aspect of Narcissistic Abuse and Negiect...he knows WHAT HE is TALKING about and can help SO MUCH!! Thanx Jerry. ❤
A book that all trauma survivors need to read is called "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van Der Kolk. In one chapter he talks about how trauma completely destroys imagination and creativity. Getting involved in artistic pursuits helps rewire those neural pathways in our brains that got squashed by constant abuse and neglect. So not only is it good for creative and relaxing purposes, but it also heals your brain to engage in the activity.
@@jt5792 You're very welcome. The book is mindblowingly informative, but it's difficult to get through because of all the pain that can come up. I wasn't an artist, but I wrote for my escape. It was my therapy and probably the only reason I'm not worse off because I did have an outlet for these strange feelings. Can't draw to save my life unfortunately! Internet fist bump.
Art connects your body and mind which is essential because most times in abusive situations we lose connection with body. Look more into mind and body connection and other ways to connect both. Hope this helps.
Yes this is genius. We should not have to handle craziness. It can be a virtue if you are out in public and there are some craziness happening and you can handle yourself. I have found that it did prepare me well for those kinds of things. But it was not my parents intentions I'm pretty sure to prepare me for craziness in the world. They never said anything like that and so it wouldn't make sense that they just treated me with craziness hoping that it would prepare me for dealing with craziness in the world. It happened in advertently. But the point is we should not have to handle it. And how can we ever count on the abuser or the ones who neglected us to be the ones who heal us? Yes it's an infantile immature hope that people have but it can never be true. Somebody who consistently abused you for 18 or 21 years is not going to wake up one day. And even if they woke up after 21 years wouldn't that be a little bit too late for the apologies? Would those apologies really cut the mustard for you at that point? We have to work this out ourselves. They probably couldn't even help us if they tried.
In the world I grew up in, I really did believe that if I couldn't handle their abuse and craziness that there is something wrong with me. I really believed that I was unhealthy because I was responsible for them and their feelings and could see things differently. Thank you for reframing that for me.
Additionally! My in-laws, with their own narcissistic traits, THOUGHT they were successful in their tactics with my side knowing all about it. All this did was help my husband discover their traits & now the healthy boundaries are in place. Nothing will ever separate the Love that God has for me even before I was married 25 years ago!
My stepmom cant love me, and as a child I tried so hard to get that women's love. I understand the truth of that now. But still at times I find myself grieving about what could have been. Great video, thx Dr. Wise ❤
This is such a sad reality for more families than we realize. Up until the day my fil passed away, my husband was trying to impress him and seek his approval (he always mentions that he didn't get to show his dad his "new" used car because we purchased it just days before his dad passed). Additionally, his mother would go away for weeks/months at a time and he would take care of her animals/house and she would "buy" his affection upon her return with a gift card, rather than spending some quality time with him. His mom has since moved across the country and I think he feels relieved. She moved because she "couldn't handle being back here" (where the rest of the family lives). She has dealt with anxiety (likely from her traumatic childhood) and doesn't really live in reality most of the time. While my fil took care of the family financially, the rest of it was placed on my husband's shoulders. It is hard to watch, but I am glad to be out of those toxic clutches.
theres not much on toxic, narcissitic, abusive in -laws. they are as awful and evil as the FOO, imagine having it on BOTH sides, you deserve to heal, hope your hubby does too
@@oppressednolonger1497 Thank you, and I agree, there isn't much out there on in-laws. I think my husband was attracted to my "normal" family because we were consistent, where as his family wasn't. I was actually the last person he met in my family. He was friends with my brother and his youngest sister and my sister were good friends. I was extremely young when we got together and didn't know any better. I tried to get out, but was love bombed back in. Had I been more open with my parents, I might have been able to get out before we got married. However, I am using my experience to grow and help others!
My great grandmother just looked at her son and daughter-in-law, without npd or bpd ever discussed, and told their child "They. Will. Never. Change." That's from the most intelligent, kind, delightful, "everything is possible with love, strength, determination" person I've ever known. You just have to look at the narcissists and not be fooled or be played for one.
Terrific points! I appreciate your mention of healthiness as a factor in NOT being able to handle their madness. I just knew “no contact” as a grade schooler would be my future. To them I am a stubborn ingrate. For me, I don’t let lies and manipulation be used on me - the ultimate betrayal - for them. Keep up the excellent work!
Agree 100% with all of these. Thank you for giving an unvarnished reality of what we can do to "get our narcissist parents out of us". I think we remain in these dynamics because we think it is "weak" if we move on from them, and we think we can just deal with it. However, all it does it keep us engaged in dynamics that continue to damage us. I went from VLC to NC. I found NC is the only way to heal. Even being VLC kept the hurt alive because nothing changed. Thank you.
- 00:28 🔄 Narcissistic parents generally won't change. - 01:16 🚫 Narcissistic parents can't give the approval you seek. - 01:42 🥈 Narcissistic parents will always prioritize their needs over yours. - 02:25 📉 You inherit their dysfunctional emotional reality, not necessarily narcissistic personality disorder. - 03:16 🤷♂ If you can't handle their abuse and craziness, you're likely healthy. - 04:47 💔 They are incapable of loving you genuinely. - 05:41 ❌ Narcissistic parents can't heal your trauma or fulfill your need for love. - 07:01 🚫 Don't try to change narcissistic parents or yourself for them. - 07:33 ✋ Stop pursuing their limitations and accept their emotional incapacity. - 08:21 🚶♀ You don't need their understanding to differentiate and move on. - 08:42 📚 Focus on learning about narcissism and dysfunctional families but prioritize self-healing. - 09:10 🔍 Emphasize your own healing and inner bonding, rather than becoming an expert on narcissism.
Wow Jerry - this one just nails it - not that your other videos don't - but this one just cuts right through to the truth like a sharp sword - impressive. I love all the points you make - but really feel encouraged by the truth that if you can't handle their abuse you're healthy. I always felt if I were stronger or more reasonable or perfect in some way I wouldn't have had to distance myself so much from my family of origin's toxiicity and then do the real gritty work of getting them out of me. I had to cut off a toxic person recently - someone I was working on a project with - because I could tell I couldn't handle it - it was bad for me. I of course felt like I was weak - but I see now that no - I'm healthy - I can't have that in my life in any significant way. Thank you.
I agree with the talk, and the commentary. I also know that they considered our childhood idyllic. Greviously, compared to theirs, it was. I HEARD them say how good we had it. And I have been in levels of therapy, it's different now, for 50 years, off and on. "Depression," it was called, and kids couldn't have it. Now, in my 70's, it's called CPTSD, and lots more is known about it. My brother, 2 years younger, denied the abuse, with tears in his eyes, saying it HAD to have been for out benefit. He was murdered, carried a gun for "protection." Someone took it from him and killed him with it. Victims of this abuse suffer to death.
I have cut my parents off emotionally for my own sanity and deal with my own pain with outside support. I have minimal contact with them physically. They resent me changing, what a surprise! (not).
Thank you, Jerry It ain't only about family and parents, it fits whatever relationships of same and such kind we have.... Part of what are you talking about I understood long ago... I just didn't had someone to share it. I was all by myself and needed to get back on my feet after mental breakdown.... And I made it I hope I can make it again
On the flip side, id like to dedicate your video to my aging narc supervisor......it's been awhile but the leopard never changed his spots at work, he just ran out of supply when he got blamed for something and harassed me from all different kind of angles this morning. He didn't care that he was interrupting my mentor session with another employee either. No boundaries. When he saw I was unflappable he finally accused me of threatening him. You could see he was trying hard to re write all the stories to fit his warped reality
Both of my parents fit the bill for narcissism. My mother was diagnosed as histrionic but the comorbidity must have slipped past the counselor. She never has changed, aside from being conditioned to realize that her relationships won't last. So she puts everyone on the fast track to discard. My father changed "for the better" in the sense that he went from an aggressive, overt narcissist to a covert, passive-aggressive one due to some close calls with death from brutal fighting.
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
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hank you Doctor Wise for this video.
"If you can't handle their abuse and craziness then you are healthy"- absolutely correct. My system cannot take it.
So true.
This applies to all relationships
Wow.
I tried to obey. Accepted the abuse of of my narc mom. But she becomes more worse, wild, ohhhhf.
I have been no-contact with my narc dad since Easter, a literal re-birth for me, I won! I am using Easter as an anology, not to be disrespectful of my faith, Catholic or taking the name of the Lord in vain, or sacreligious.
They don't put your needs last, they completely ignore your needs, for them you don't have any needs. What needs?
Amen!!!
Or in my case and many other survivors' cases, you have a sibling that gets all the attention. They get what should have ALSO been given to you. So it's not like the narc parents don't know what they're doing or how to care for others, they've chosen to give it to someone more "worthy."
And it's all toxic anyway. Ugh.
@@spacegirl226 I am also the scapegoat that got nothing but abuse and blame. I had to buy everything that I wanted. My parents bought both of my siblings bikes and my sister got a cat. I wanted a bunny rabbit desperately but never got one even though I was hyper-responsible. I ended up taking care of the cat.too. I feel for you and hope you are healing from the neglect and trauma.
@@julieann777 Man, I am sorry you went through all that garbage. It's not fair, and you didn't deserve to be mistreated. Do you have the ability to get a bunny rabbit as an adult? Because you should totally do that now that you can! Give yourself all the things you didn't get as a child, especially the love and respect that was demanded from you and never reciprocated.
Have an internet hug from me. Healing is slow going. I'm unfortunately stuck living with the narc parent and golden child sibling and rebuilding my life from scratch after hitting rock bottom three years ago. I can't go no contact yet, but that is my ultimate goal so I can finally heal fully after I've gotten out of the abuse that ruined me so long ago.
@@spacegirl226 I pray your day of no contact is soon. I wish I hadn't waited so long. I was too darn loyal and accustomed to taking care of everyone but myself. It was a terrible mistake. I walked away at age 50. I am determined to live my BEST life now. I do not tolerate Narcissits any longer. I found it was impossible to heal while having relationships with my toxic family members. Please take care of yourself. ❤🩹❤❣
They won't change because they cannot be wrong!
This! ☑️💯
@@FreedomAboveAll4exactly. They’re waste of time idiots
To admit they're wrong requires self analysis & self reflection, they can't handle that.
"Nobody is supposed to deal with abuse and craziness and remain healthy."...Thank you so much for saying that.In my own opinion 1 of the best signs of healing is when you CAN'T deal with this dysfunction anymore, you just can't be around it anymore... It's like a foul odor that you simply can't stand.
or even be in the same room as them ever again, or in my case the same city for three to four decades.
As the family scapegoat, I began looking forward to the day I was grown and could move out. Those thoughts began when I was 9 or 10.
@@somedumbozzie1539Smart choice🌞👍🏻👍🏻.
@@alicecoleman5532Sounds like you were quite the wise child🦉.The REALLY observant kids will tend to start questioning a narcy parent/sibling by the time they're around 10-12, something just won't seem right about them....I started questioning my sociopathic narc father at around the same tender age, by the time I was around 15 I basically needed a close pin on my nose because I couldn't stand the screwy behavior.No healthy person will EVER be able to thrive around them, no matter how educated & how healed we may become.
@@somedumbozzie1539Wise choice🦉.You'll never 👀 a healthy person thrive around them.The more healthy a person is...The faster they run from narcs.
"What we want to do is focus on our self-healing; not on becoming a Harvard or Oxford expert on narcissistic personality" Excellent, Jerry!
1. They won't change
2. Can't give you the approval you're looking for.
3. They will always put your needs last
4. You inherited their dysfunctional emotional reality
If you can't handle their abuse and craziness then you are healthy.......
5.They were not able to move you
6. They cannot heal your trauma, your emotional wounds or need to love
Self differentiation tips
1.Don't try to change them and don't change for them
2.Stop pursuing their limitations
3. You don't need them to understand for you to move on and self differentiation
4. Learn about narcissism and focus on you
Thank you for this ❤
Thanks for writing this out. ❤
Thank you 🎉
I learned about narcissism years ago through reading and intellectual curiosity, and then with horrible practical lessons in the world, until I realised very recently that the problem was closer to home. Literally.
Thank you!
Not one genuine fond memory. No support no love - no contact
❤ Man your accurate. My mother is 70 ,her lying is getting worse,but she doesn't see that she aging and slipping up, not as sharp with her lies. Wow, now that I know what it is, I can protect myself.
Hi hon, get ready to there'll be past crap, stories which will probably come out of the closet, hope you're taking it all with much salt and find peace in your own mind, mine got hauled away with a Section 10, a danger to herself and others, call Adult Protection, get yourself or her a social worker, power of attorney would be great, next of kin works too, still powerful, feel sorry for anyone who must deal with her, mom went down while covid, even survived it, they'll the devil 😈 to pay and he keeps them around a long time!
You need to stop communicating with her. The lasting damage will further ruin you. My narcissistic mom died at 70 and I don't communicate with anyone in my narcissistic family/relatives.
@@AC-jg2dgI am on the same path. The hardest part is the guilt.
@@Nehusker67 Start slow cutting contact and you can get to the path of self-healing. For me, that's not the case. I went cold turkey and blocked them all. You can also change your number.
Just remember, they have no guilt for the way they are treating you. You shouldn't have guilt for loving and respecting yourself! Make sure you have support for when you need to get over those guilt humps. Stay strong ✨️ 💪🏻
They love to see you struggle by them dismissing your needs
Spot on. The truth is ugly. But, the truth is the ticket to freedom.
💯
The healthier you get the less you can STAND being involved with these people.
It took me so long to understand the apprehension I started feeling before interacting with these folks.
My body literally didn’t want to go.
Thank you No Contact 💯
Truth. ❤️
I inadvertently went low contact because they had expected me to do all the emotional labor or connection. So when I stopped because it wasn’t reciprocal, they got angry and started harboring resentment because I wasn’t doing all the work for them.
Narcissistic behavior.
I reconnected with my parents after years and while they had not changed, they were at the stage of looking to peacefully resolve their lives. I was able to have some quality conversations with my Father. Still marked by his self-importance, but I was glad he realized he hadn’t made any effort to connect and that’s why he had not heard from me for years.
Same. I had to leave the entire narcissistic family unit.
Same, I started to feel physically ill before holiday gatherings with my family of origin and when I found out my father was moving back to the area where I lived the reaction in my body was visceral. That’s when I started back to therapy but this time with a therapist who practices EMDR and had knowledge of trauma.
I love the reassurance that if you can't handle their craziness and abuse it's because you're healthy. Yipee! I never thought of that before. I kept trying to understand but the reality is I'm healthy and they weren't.
I went no contact almost 2 years ago. They could care less. Typical 😒
Congratulations ❤
I don't need them to be happy, period. I don't need them to be safe. I don't need them to be okay. I don't need their financial assistance. I don't need their emotional support. I don't need them to have a productive life. I don't need them.
You should want them to find happiness, be productive and safe.. otherwise you are the crazy one.
Why wouldn’t you want this for yourself and for others?
The point is you shouldn’t have to sacrifice yourself because of someone’s emotional damage where they claim that if you hurt yourself that THAT will make them happy, secure, prosperous..
It won’t.
It cannot.
After I learned who I was, my strengths and weaknesses, when I was faced with the decision to care for my abusive parent in his dementia, I knew that I could because I knew who I was and could be as well as who he was and wasn't. And I knew I wasn't about to change and didn't expect him to change.
It was one of the best emotional learning experiences of my life. I'm glad I didn't miss it. No abuse was accepted or even projected because he had become an emotionally small child and he was different.
The entire experience helped me later, become a good mother (as my daughter now tells me and asks how I became one!)
@@pearpoSometimes we have to know that its ok to NOT want good things for ppl who just didnt or dont give a sh*t about us. Ppl who SHoULD have cared (parents). Ppl who worked very hard, their whole lives, in disregarding others and not caring. Sometimes its ok to say ‘ppl deserve to get what they give out’ and if they insist on living like that I am fine with it. It’s ok to NOT reward that kind of behaviour by ‘wanting them to be happy’.
@kittiesinclair I understand the perspective you are sharing very well, but it comes from your unresolved pain. Everyone deserves to be healthy, happy, secure with their needs met. It doesn’t mean it is your job.. AT ALL. But wishing hatred on others is about your pain and projecting that around. That’s a totally valid point of view as long as you don’t take actions to harm others.
And people do seek Justice, of course. Vengeance always backfires. Always.
Better to focus on your own healing. It’s a relative or someone from childhood and you heal and grow more you may understand my perspective.
Best of Luck in your healing and meeting your own needs.
@meeeka
Totally. Or “Totality” in the OSHA Zen Tarot Card Deck. I felt robbed of that experience by people who blocked me due to their greed. I did experience a sliver of what you described so well via phone conversations during a brief period of time when my Dad was free from his Gold Digger.
You definitely won't get their support. My experience is this: If it is not somehow going to benefit them, you can forget their support. It's sad that that's the case, that these are actually our parents that we are talking about, but that's the hard reality about it all.
You are right. Their narcissism comes before any maturity like caring for children. That said, at least in my experience, they do the best they can. My parents were not evil. Even though their capacity was deeply flawed. My golden brother and other family members were.
They dont change. I'm 59. I've decided not to go back. I don't have money, i had an operation that affected me and brought back childhood trauma, so I'm waiting on social housing to move me away from them. Bad neighbours also 😢 I'm very isolated. I'm standing up for once and not apologising for something I didn't do. This time, I'm not going back. Please pray that God blesses me with a fresh start. Thank you 🙏
I will keep you in prayer for healing and a new start, Godspeed, dear one 🙏 best best wishes!
“You never told me what I did wrong!”
Is the most infuriating thing I can possibly imagine
"I didn't know....."
So true. It is the ultimate craziness!
yeah, i went through that craziness for years
Narcissist parents' rule number 1 is:
NEVER tell us we've done something wrong.
They play dumb and then became dumb. Leave them alone and stop caring or loving them in any way
I think one of the biggest challenges here is that the whole world seems to fully expect us to tolerate this abuse -- from employers as well as aging parents -- and they will excoriate and ostracize us when we refuse ... at which point it becomes nearly impossible to find support for healing. I keep bringing that up to narcissistic abuse professionals but everyone seems awfully reluctant to look that social monster (the near-glorification of narcissists & their accompanying abuse) in the face abd wrestle w7th it 😮❤
Yes! I worked in retail for many, many years and that whole "The customer is always right." is some of the most pervasive BS garbage. If the customer is always right, do I have to stand here while they shout at me for something that wasn't my fault or my problem? Can the customer speak to me in a mostly calm tone of voice and explain what happened so I can help them, or do I have to let them blow up at me because they can't control their emotions?
Yeah, screw all of that. Abuse is abuse, and just because of some ridiculous mantra from the prehistoric age doesn't mean ANYONE has the right to yell at me. You get as much respect as you give.
@@spacegirl226'the customer is always right in matters of taste' is the full saying. It just means if they want to buy unflattering clothes, let them, it's their taste. It is maddening that abusive bosses have altered it and mal-adapted it.
It’s starts when children are young, even as the Christian thing to do. If someone is socially damaging or awkward, that person may be a threat to the other’s survival. But Christians are taught to be extra kind even to those who make us feel a bit uncomfortable. This is solid advice but the line is rarely drawn that some people make us uncomfortable on purpose to cause us discomfort or distress.
Thank you Jerry for teaching us and using discernment.
@@pearpo The "Christian" way is what got me stuck in the destructiveness for so long. While I am still a Christian, I went no contact with my in-laws because I couldn't deal with the craziness any more. I was rarely fully comfortable in their presence and I should have trusted my gut a long time ago. Thankfully they are largely out of our lives, but it definitely changed our marriage forever.
The customer saying I understand because I am a good Mgr and will not allow my employees to be abused. They just get me and I take care of things. Which is huge conundrum personally as I am unable to do the same
For myself w mommie dearest. I get triggered by the,"she's your MOTHER!"...
Kills me!! That thing is an evil demon not my 'mother"
Love to everyone here trying to figure out why we are trying to get out of a deep hole❤❤❤❤
Wow. "If you can't handle their craziness and dysfunction that actually means you're healthy, and not the opposite. " That one is going to stick!
So true. The last time I spoke to my parents they lied brother. I was told the truth prior to seeing them and acted dumb to hear what they had to say. I could not believe the blatant lies. They act like they have so much integrity.
The false self and their delusions are quite powerful. It's sickening.
It's (AMAZING) how badly these people will shoot themselves in their own foot if you just simply smile & play dumb while letting them talk....😳Their extreme arrogance is their undoing every single time ultimately.
Same here. I couldn't believe it!!! I was like 'who are you and what have you done with my parents?' 😱 You can only truly understand the devastation of it all if you've experienced it.
Love and strength to everyone here 💛💪🙏✌️
Thanks everyone. My brother the lazy golden child and his CCP wife scammed me out of reconnecting with my aging parents to scam me. My brother only contacted my parents with his hand out. Needed in money or cars. He killed my Mom.
The harsh truth is they are incapable of loving me. It’s harsh, but accepted it and mobs on with my life.
They're very selfish, it's like your job to take care of them, like an emotional caretaker, you can't have needs, choices, preferences, we have no problems and no pain, etc.. and you become invisible, especially if your siblings pick up their narcissistic personalities. Unfortunately I became the scapegoated. They're so controlling and manipulative, then when you realize what's going on, it's too late, there's no changing it and you know you've got to walk away because you can't change them, and they will always want to put you in the same place/roll, even after not seeing them for years 😥🙏🏻 They don’t change, they don't see anything wrong, because you're always the problem. And don't tell them they're narcissists to bring awareness to the dynamics, in hopes that things might change because you love them, don't do it, it just makes things worse for you, better to just let them go and move on. It's hard because it's your family but they will never see you any other way, then they always have. Sometimes it's better to allow yourself to be invisible to them, it's more peaceful 👍🏻
100% truth bombs
so true!
Omg yes. I'm currently living through this, as my counselor finally diagnosed my mother to me. It shattered me to learn the truth but it's setting me free. It's blowing my mind to see how twisted things have been for years and how conditional all the "love " has been.
So true. You get punished for trying to express your own needs.
Thank you for this reminder! I sometimes wish I had a support group of other scapegoats so that anytime I’m tempted to send a video like this to my siblings(narc father has passed and so has mentally ill alcoholic mother), I will pause and call a SG friend to remind me to not bother. They may love bomb and pretend momentarily they have the capacity to see you but they simply do not!
Realizing my parents are who they are and will never change was one of the key points that got me to go no contact. No contact has been the best years of my life. If you can get away, do so. So very worth it.
I agree. I went no-contact when I was 23 years old. To the best of my knowledge, she was still plotting revenge against me right up until months before her death at 85 years old.
My mother was evil when she had to provide for my needs. I dreaded school shopping. Imagine that 😔
Yup I remember crying in footlocker 😢
Try wearing what your mom picked out for you, without being there. 😢 Also having three daughters one year a part that was all the same size, and picking the exact same thing for all of us. Uhhh ☹️ Didn't mind when I was younger, but notbas a teenager. 😢
When they get angry at you for being a five year old who has needs.
@@pearpo right
Same here it was awful.
Even if somebody apologizes it doesn't change the damage done. It takes a whole change of behavior and time to make things up. It's not that simple as I'm sorry
A narcissist is NEVER truly sorry for how they harm others or even destroying them. In fact, the opposite is true, they actually ENJOY it! NEVER, EVER believe a narcissist that apologizes. THEY DO NOT MEAN IT!
Exactly. I think they are more sorry for having to experience the taping part of what they've sewn for so many years... they want to treat you however they want and you just empty yourself out for them and jump through hoops all in search of their love and approval. It's sad and disgusting
The **reaping
They do crime over crime and are only concerned with getting caught. They big mad if you have a different experience or point of view.
@michelemiktus2312 It took my narc spouse 34 years to use the words, "I'm sorry," after all their crazimaking, and that was only under the threat of divorce. They were only worried about losing their supply.
I miss my parents, but when they passed it gave me freedom from the need to break away.
I dont care about nor desire their approval anymore. This has changed in the last year.
Yes, I learned traits amd worked hard to get rid of
Isn't it so awesome when you learn you Can Change? Lasting change. I can now pick an unhealthy tendency in me and initiate the process and within a short time I notice I have stopped one behavior or thought pattern or things I say, and am automatically responding in the few way....
Life is to much better healthy🥰
New-not few. Oops! Have a Good One
Learning how to actually emotionally validate ourselves & no longer seeking approval from dysfunctional people is a BIG milestone, it's something to be really proud of🌞👍🏻.
I so needed to hear "f you can't handle their abuse and craziness then you are healthy." I feel like a burden was instantly lifted. Tension was released. My heart opened some more. That will be the phrase I sit with for the next few days. Thank you Mr. Wise.
Welcome!🙂
I honestly thought there was something wrong with me for running the other way and avoiding my narcissistic parents. I say this because my 2 other siblings seem to put up with them like nothing, I’m the runner 😂
Same. I’m the only one that ran out of 6 children 😅
I was in the hospital 3 times, not once did my mom come to see me. But she went to see my cousin, and she said she couldnt drive herself to come see me, I was there for 2 weeks, she was 15 min away, straight drive. Come and find out she drove herself 4 hours away to the casino, when I was in hospital. She called me once, during 2 weeks each time. I have taken her to all her dr. Appts, stayed with her at the ER, waited and stayed with her. 😢
Unconscionable. I'm so sorry. You deserve a lot better than that, and I hope you find it.
Never again, hopefully.❤
I’m so sorry! This is so familiar with these types of parents. Sigh
Such a painful, relatable story. You deserve so much better! Sending lots of support.
Right,they hate when we're sick,they don't acknowledge it,and if they do, they talk mess,and it bothers them😢
Jerry, you're making it hurt today. But this was a necessary reminder.
Internet hugs to you survivors.
Thank you, sir.
You're very welcome
Absolutely correct. The haven't and hadn't. I was gone nearly 30 years, returned for almost 5 before relocating back to Tennessee, and it was just like it was before I entered the military and started making my own way. They had just gotten older. I am no contact now. No contact means no conflicts.
I was gone for a decade. Nothing at all changed in that decade except my parents and sibling got older and WORSE. I simply cannot imagine not changing at all in ten years or even three decades. How is that possible? The mind boggles.
@@spacegirl226I was not contact for 30 years went back to try to make amends because friends suggested...it was a disaster but it did cause the ultimate no contact, move away, never to return again response.😊❤
Narcissists are always in this world where they think they are in control or have the power. The sad thing for them is when it gets towards the end of their reign and they are in their death throes and they lash out and threaten you by saying this is your last chance. They never realize that it's actually theirs...until it's too late.
With me, they wanted me to be subject to their approval.
At 80 years my mother has proven good and well everything stated in this video is completely accurate to the t.
As a matter of fact shes getting worse,she has driven everyone away including friends.......
Oh lord, I'm in that place of epiphany. She drove me away then my aunt - we were doing our best to help her... Then an enabler brother had to step up, and he recently suffered a heart attack, so he's now out of the picture, she has no-one - my father is in a home dementing, so she has no more targets, scapegoats...
They seem to get worse with age and they'll try to isolate us as completely as we let them - I read the other day about a woman whose mother fully expected her to give up her job, leave her husband, and let her house go into foreclosure to come take care of her ... my father expected that from me too and I've paid a pretty steep price so far trying to avoid that fate, even though I took care of him in his bouts with sarcoma when my mother refused to and gave up a promotion to do it, and he promised to pay me back for the career-building time I gave up and he never did follow through on that empty promise
@@amarbyrd2520 i get it. I feel deeply troubled that I'm a terrible daughter, despite stepping up to the plate and living with both of them during covid and my brother's not once speaking to me to see how I was doing. That has continued to this day.
MIL/hubby's monster is the same.
My mother has gotten so much worse with age as well. She recently had a heart attack and u was the only family member who showed up... coming from 8 hrs away. She barely spoke to me and only called me once since she arrived home bc she knew my dad was listening. I have basically gone no contact but she's stonewalling me anyways so it's been a real fun time. 🙄🙄😑😑😑
Brilliant. I wish I had known this decades ago.
They will change but the tactics and manipulation will be very very harder. My mom can't use her tone with me anymore because I was avoiding her. She felt she's losing control. So she sort out to desperate plan of love bombing me and giving me unnecessary attention. It's literally the worst human form that i ever have to deal with in my life.
My father was a deadbeat so we know how that be? My mom reared us, but, emotionally speaking, we were put last. Barely, if any, emotional support and nurturing. And add emotional, verbal, while she will disagree, some physical abuse, we were basically neglected all of our young lives.
My father said, "I let your mother raise you." But the sad part was that she didn't raise us. She screamed at us and resented having to do the difficult parental things for us, just like he couldn't stand having to get involved AT ALL in his children's lives. My mother wanted to play house, and she thought having a family would magically heal her deep, deep trauma without her having to do much of anything at all.
Then my father had the nerve to complain that my mother didn't care about him when he didn't bother getting involved in our lives and being a parent or a husband. He still complains about that neglect to this day and then turned around and neglected and still neglects his adult children. Oh boo hoo. Sadly, I married a man just like him who did the same complaining crap while also doing nothing to contribute to the relationship.
Demons, all. I'm sorry you experienced such horrific neglect. Been there, done that, trying to heal.
We have to separate their ability to love us from our loveableness.
We are loveable. They stink! Lol
more like an inability to love.
Great video! There’s a lot of hard pills to swallow on the way to recovery.
Just keep going!🤎
I always believed my dad loved me. Very narc mother. I was staying with him in his last days He was not in a coma. Not once did he showed in any way that he saw me or said anything to me,
Then he did not care in the least about you. And probably hated you for NOT allowing him to cover up the abuse of the families narc.
That must have been awful. Sorry you had this from him. My dad is my narc mom's enabler and he is like that. Selfish and distant.
It's true narc adults won't change try asking them the same question they won't answer or walk away or ignore emails
My father got bent when he sent a birthday text and I didn't respond back ! It's my fn day and don't wanna be bothered nor do I care it's just another day . The following day he saw me in town and decided to pull over to see if I got text , no how you doing how's it going just right for the throat . I told him I got message and he was like nice of you to respond back , I said you mean like that time you stopped at my house unannounced and I was at a horse lesson and when I saw your message and responded back I didn't here from you at all ! The look on his face as I said well I gotta go see you around ...
"I'll tell you how my Mom messed me up, if you tell me how yours did, you!" is a conversation i was willing to have (and have with my own child), but No Way would my adoptive Narcmom have deigned to such a thing.
I've always known they won't change. I've always known the only way my life will be worth living will be to leave them behind. I have tried to escape them time and time again, and they have thwarted my efforts every time. But not this time. I'm finally escaping them once and for all. Soon...
You deserve that freedom 🤎
Wonderful teaching video
Thanks for watching!😊
3:15 is profound. I feel guilty when my mother text or calls with FOOLISHNESS at 5am that I get angry about it.
Hello.. i totally understand.
for me i had to talk to mum like she was a young child yes, because emotionally that's all she could be, and then move on about my own life. ❤☘☘
No longer loving or caring about the narc parents I had was the best thing I have ever done
#5, is it, we seem to be expected to (handle) live at a much higher standard than they lived!
There is a hierarchy in narc parents minds, they of course are at the top, most empaths are seen as pathetic and will ALWAYS be at the bottom..you can never change your 'label'. My older sister is my elderly father's Golden Child, she has lied and stolen from him..his reaction 'she got me this time, shes wyly not stupid like you' 😲 I didnt realise this was a 'thing' until my father was diagnosed in hospital after his stroke..my father blocked me legally from knowing his medical records, even though i was his carer, and he gave all power to my narc sister, who would visit once a week, nurse let it slip when he screamed at me that i was 'stealing his house'..my sister had talked to him and lied, how do you steal a house. they used shame and threats of disinheritance to force me back. Thank you Jerry ❤️
Most welcome!😊
Complete and total rejection is THE way to deal with a narcissist. They believe you can't do that and will never get over the wound created by clear straight up rejection.
Yeah I got nothing for them now. Forget about me please. It's for the best.
Their habit of twisting our brains with chaotic logic. Their habit of dismissing our serious life issues, claiming we're 'weak,' or 'dramatic' or it's all our fault somehow. When I sought help for the mental torment resulting from being the scapegoat to a narc parent, that parent scoffed at it - then stated that I must be mentally ill if I was bothering to seeking help.
you are spot on Jerry, if only I had know about this may years back, I could have protected myself somehow from the narc parent. I have realised that the commandments and the bible says nothing at all about us having to spend any time with the narc parents . To honour one's parents does not mean you have to spend time with them.
I think I have now accepted my family of origin won’t change but I can’t seem to stop wallowing in it or getting over it!
program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/?_gl=1*k1jtt0*_ga*MTEzOTAwMTU3MC4xNjgyMzc5ODc5*_ga_SLRWVRKZTP*MTcxNzU5MTQ3Mi45MS4wLjE3MTc1OTE0NzIuNjAuMC4w
My parents never loved bombed me. They always showed me they didn't care the least bit about me or my children. In my late 20s I showed my whole family I was no longer going to put up with their abuse of me or my children. Some ppl believe u get lonely without family. I say u can't miss what u never really had. I feel so free without those ppl around me. With GOD u are never alone!!!
Jerry's got bars! He's spitting facts! These are the bitter pills we need to take in and process. I always appreciate your candor, Jerry. You're speaking from experience. You're saving us steps.
Happy to help! Appreciate all the kind words ❤️
My mom still believes in some good part of my dad, she doesn't realize the guy she married never existed
ught, this happened in my foo, reverse the roles), so sorry you had to watch that :(
Jerry! U R The GOAT when it comes to helping us with the passage through this advanced and SO ESSENTIAL leg of The Healing Journey.
I'm not opposed to MIRACLES either😂 but you are So Right- they do not happen almost EVER...nearly never with The Narc parent.That is so hard to accept.
What IS a miracle is how every flipping time I hit PLAY on your vid when it pops up in my Notifications, which isn't every one (I'm often otherwise occupied at the moment they pop up and i rarely go backwards in my life to pick up something that is past now) so, it is a sort of Miracle of The Random Universe, every time.
PreciousJames, below, outlined the main points and we👍 all just watched the same video, in theory, so I'll just say- Listen to this WISE man. He has worked out his salvation from the Family Entanglement aspect of Narcissistic Abuse and Negiect...he knows WHAT HE is TALKING about and can help SO MUCH!!
Thanx Jerry. ❤
Thank you so much. Please share these videos with others. :)
3 is so good to hear. That's part of inheriting their mess/programming imo.
I heard art can heal me. I need to understand why.
A book that all trauma survivors need to read is called "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van Der Kolk. In one chapter he talks about how trauma completely destroys imagination and creativity. Getting involved in artistic pursuits helps rewire those neural pathways in our brains that got squashed by constant abuse and neglect. So not only is it good for creative and relaxing purposes, but it also heals your brain to engage in the activity.
@@jt5792 You're very welcome. The book is mindblowingly informative, but it's difficult to get through because of all the pain that can come up.
I wasn't an artist, but I wrote for my escape. It was my therapy and probably the only reason I'm not worse off because I did have an outlet for these strange feelings. Can't draw to save my life unfortunately!
Internet fist bump.
Art connects your body and mind which is essential because most times in abusive situations we lose connection with body. Look more into mind and body connection and other ways to connect both. Hope this helps.
@@HerefortheLove I will use this advice to see. Thank you for your wisdom!
Yes this is genius. We should not have to handle craziness. It can be a virtue if you are out in public and there are some craziness happening and you can handle yourself. I have found that it did prepare me well for those kinds of things. But it was not my parents intentions I'm pretty sure to prepare me for craziness in the world. They never said anything like that and so it wouldn't make sense that they just treated me with craziness hoping that it would prepare me for dealing with craziness in the world. It happened in advertently. But the point is we should not have to handle it. And how can we ever count on the abuser or the ones who neglected us to be the ones who heal us? Yes it's an infantile immature hope that people have but it can never be true. Somebody who consistently abused you for 18 or 21 years is not going to wake up one day. And even if they woke up after 21 years wouldn't that be a little bit too late for the apologies? Would those apologies really cut the mustard for you at that point? We have to work this out ourselves. They probably couldn't even help us if they tried.
I really needed this. Thank you
You're so welcome!🙂
thank you... "if you can't handle their abuse and craziness, you are healthy"
💯
In the world I grew up in, I really did believe that if I couldn't handle their abuse and craziness that there is something wrong with me. I really believed that I was unhealthy because I was responsible for them and their feelings and could see things differently. Thank you for reframing that for me.
Additionally! My in-laws, with their own narcissistic traits, THOUGHT they were successful in their tactics with my side knowing all about it. All this did was help my husband discover their traits & now the healthy boundaries are in place. Nothing will ever separate the Love that God has for me even before I was married 25 years ago!
My stepmom cant love me, and as a child I tried so hard to get that women's love. I understand the truth of that now. But still at times I find myself grieving about what could have been. Great video, thx Dr. Wise ❤
Thank you!
This is such a sad reality for more families than we realize. Up until the day my fil passed away, my husband was trying to impress him and seek his approval (he always mentions that he didn't get to show his dad his "new" used car because we purchased it just days before his dad passed). Additionally, his mother would go away for weeks/months at a time and he would take care of her animals/house and she would "buy" his affection upon her return with a gift card, rather than spending some quality time with him. His mom has since moved across the country and I think he feels relieved. She moved because she "couldn't handle being back here" (where the rest of the family lives). She has dealt with anxiety (likely from her traumatic childhood) and doesn't really live in reality most of the time. While my fil took care of the family financially, the rest of it was placed on my husband's shoulders. It is hard to watch, but I am glad to be out of those toxic clutches.
theres not much on toxic, narcissitic, abusive in -laws. they are as awful and evil as the FOO, imagine having it on BOTH sides, you deserve to heal, hope your hubby does too
@@oppressednolonger1497 Thank you, and I agree, there isn't much out there on in-laws. I think my husband was attracted to my "normal" family because we were consistent, where as his family wasn't. I was actually the last person he met in my family. He was friends with my brother and his youngest sister and my sister were good friends. I was extremely young when we got together and didn't know any better. I tried to get out, but was love bombed back in. Had I been more open with my parents, I might have been able to get out before we got married. However, I am using my experience to grow and help others!
Not blind got super head's up on humans, totally sink or swim, sucks to be them!
My great grandmother just looked at her son and daughter-in-law, without npd or bpd ever discussed, and told their child "They. Will. Never. Change." That's from the most intelligent, kind, delightful, "everything is possible with love, strength, determination" person I've ever known. You just have to look at the narcissists and not be fooled or be played for one.
Listen....You just hit me in the chest with They don't love you because they can't. I always gave the benefit of doubt.
Yes, absolutely so True. No contact, grief and reparent my self.
Terrific points! I appreciate your mention of healthiness as a factor in NOT being able to handle their madness. I just knew “no contact” as a grade schooler would be my future. To them I am a stubborn ingrate. For me, I don’t let lies and manipulation be used on me - the ultimate betrayal - for them. Keep up the excellent work!
Thanks for sharing!!
Agree 100% with all of these. Thank you for giving an unvarnished reality of what we can do to "get our narcissist parents out of us". I think we remain in these dynamics because we think it is "weak" if we move on from them, and we think we can just deal with it. However, all it does it keep us engaged in dynamics that continue to damage us. I went from VLC to NC. I found NC is the only way to heal. Even being VLC kept the hurt alive because nothing changed. Thank you.
Excellent points! thank you! 🙏
Most welcome!🤎
- 00:28 🔄 Narcissistic parents generally won't change.
- 01:16 🚫 Narcissistic parents can't give the approval you seek.
- 01:42 🥈 Narcissistic parents will always prioritize their needs over yours.
- 02:25 📉 You inherit their dysfunctional emotional reality, not necessarily narcissistic personality disorder.
- 03:16 🤷♂ If you can't handle their abuse and craziness, you're likely healthy.
- 04:47 💔 They are incapable of loving you genuinely.
- 05:41 ❌ Narcissistic parents can't heal your trauma or fulfill your need for love.
- 07:01 🚫 Don't try to change narcissistic parents or yourself for them.
- 07:33 ✋ Stop pursuing their limitations and accept their emotional incapacity.
- 08:21 🚶♀ You don't need their understanding to differentiate and move on.
- 08:42 📚 Focus on learning about narcissism and dysfunctional families but prioritize self-healing.
- 09:10 🔍 Emphasize your own healing and inner bonding, rather than becoming an expert on narcissism.
"nobody is supposed to deal with abuse and craziness" holy shit that blew my mind
💯
*Radical Acceptance + Realistic Expectations
Be Wise ❤ 🐝🦉
Good point about "handling" it. ty
No problem!
2:00 put my needs last, 5:30 accept her not loving you
3:50 - WOW. THANK YOU.
Wow Jerry - this one just nails it - not that your other videos don't - but this one just cuts right through to the truth like a sharp sword - impressive. I love all the points you make - but really feel encouraged by the truth that if you can't handle their abuse you're healthy. I always felt if I were stronger or more reasonable or perfect in some way I wouldn't have had to distance myself so much from my family of origin's toxiicity and then do the real gritty work of getting them out of me. I had to cut off a toxic person recently - someone I was working on a project with - because I could tell I couldn't handle it - it was bad for me. I of course felt like I was weak - but I see now that no - I'm healthy - I can't have that in my life in any significant way. Thank you.
Welcome!
I agree with the talk, and the commentary. I also know that they considered our childhood idyllic. Greviously, compared to theirs, it was. I HEARD them say how good we had it. And I have been in levels of therapy, it's different now, for 50 years, off and on. "Depression," it was called, and kids couldn't have it. Now, in my 70's, it's called CPTSD, and lots more is known about it. My brother, 2 years younger, denied the abuse, with tears in his eyes, saying it HAD to have been for out benefit. He was murdered, carried a gun for "protection." Someone took it from him and killed him with it. Victims of this abuse suffer to death.
Thanks Jerry. I think I need to watch this every time I think about breaking NC
You can do it!
Knew this while back
Most important video I’ve ever seen about NPD in so long. Harsh but true
I have cut my parents off emotionally for my own sanity and deal with my own pain with outside support. I have minimal contact with them physically. They resent me changing, what a surprise! (not).
That....hurt me at most
painful, resonates, much appreciated Jerry for your insights as always.
Thanks for listening
Great video ❤
Glad you liked it!!
Blessings Jerry❤
So Very True 👍
Thank you
You're welcome 🙂
Thank you, Jerry
It ain't only about family and parents, it fits whatever relationships of same and such kind we have....
Part of what are you talking about I understood long ago... I just didn't had someone to share it. I was all by myself and needed to get back on my feet after mental breakdown.... And I made it
I hope I can make it again
On the flip side, id like to dedicate your video to my aging narc supervisor......it's been awhile but the leopard never changed his spots at work, he just ran out of supply when he got blamed for something and harassed me from all different kind of angles this morning. He didn't care that he was interrupting my mentor session with another employee either. No boundaries. When he saw I was unflappable he finally accused me of threatening him. You could see he was trying hard to re write all the stories to fit his warped reality
Repenting to the Lord is the way, but only occurring in a rare occurrence.
I just love your videos, I need em. Thank you l. And I hope the rest of y’all have blissful days or nights
Thank you
Both of my parents fit the bill for narcissism. My mother was diagnosed as histrionic but the comorbidity must have slipped past the counselor. She never has changed, aside from being conditioned to realize that her relationships won't last. So she puts everyone on the fast track to discard. My father changed "for the better" in the sense that he went from an aggressive, overt narcissist to a covert, passive-aggressive one due to some close calls with death from brutal fighting.
Heavy stuff.
Yes, I completely inherited it. I had to do a LOT of work to not become another one.
Believe in yourself ❤️