How to Tell Your Friend They are Driving You Crazy
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- Опубликовано: 6 июн 2024
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Sometimes close friendships fall apart, and even though you try to work on them and accommodate the other person’s quirks, their behavior drives you nuts. You try talking about it, but it only leads to conflicts. You try ignoring the problem but it only gets worse. So then what do you do? In this video I respond to a letter from a woman who can't tell if her friend is the unreasonable one, or if SHE is.
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I love your daily practice
This really works
I am now holding space for my healing
✌️
I'm so glad the practice has been helpful! -Calista@TeamFairy
As we grow, sometimes we just aren't compatible with certain people in our lives anymore, and it's okay to let them go with peace. Much love to everyone going through something like this right now ♡
I've found that with friends, I must be careful with my words,and knowing where I stand in a friendship is most important...
I needed to hear this.
I got to the point of feeling like a stray dog scratching at the door just wanting attention .... The friendship wasn't healthy and I had to let it go.
Glad it was helpful!
Nika@TeamFairy
Misery loves company & I've found some friends disappear when they can see I'm happy. They only hang around for drama, it's like they feed off it.
We outgrow the friendships of our youth, as we figure out who we are. Listen when someone tells you who they are. Closure is over rated.
An abusive friendship isnt a friendship. Concerned shaming from family is tough as well.
I don’t think this one was necessarily abusive. Her friend was making bad choices obviously but er also can’t make people into who we want them to be.
@@traceychapman4825Hello, that we cant change anyone. I couldnt agree with ya more on that one. Especially when we have to change self first. Thank you for saying that.
With respect to what I consider abuse, Id have to disagree with you on that one. I see if its painful and continues over time then it is. I hope you can see where I'm coming from. With love.
@@MysticalboohI agree with you. The friend was really abusive. I am sad the fairy didn’t see it that way. I have been abused by narcissists all my life, and I think Elena was right in what she said about the narcissistic supply etc. I will have to stop watching the fairy’s videos as I don’t want to feel invalidated by my experiences.
@@brandonhealy7158 Thank you Brandon. Ive been traumatized by narcissist. I'm sorry for your pain. This form of ab*se is deep and destructive. Mrs. Runkle is wise and cares. I learn from her. I hope you reconsider. Love and healing to you friend.
I think there are certain times in our lives when friendships change, especially when our lives are changing-going off to school, getting married or divorced, having children or retiring. I was so surprised to notice so many women breaking up with old friends in our 60s. Who knew?
We all are the average of the people we are around most. If we hangout with jerks, it will rub off.
Some of the time those jerks are in your own family and even when you do your best to distance yourself, OTHER people in the family and the extended family will ostracize and punish you when you try -- and even when you move even a continent away they will chase after you to try to berate you
@amarbyrd2520 that really sucks, I'm sorry if that's happening to you
Sometimes we don't see it in ourselves too. Everyone has jerk potential given the right circumstances.
"There's goodness and humanity in everyone, but that doesn't mean we have to be friends with them." How different would our lives (and society) be if we started out being told this from an early age??? Definitely one for the wall plaque!
Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
This sounds like a romance instead of a friendship. None of this is acceptable in just a friendship.
I had a best friend of 10 yrs. I'd had taken "breaks" from her in the past because of her gaslighting and drama. I tried to work things out with her because 10 years is a long time. But she would just gaslight me and get dramatic everytime. I finally had enough and severed all ties with her. I cut out 3 toxic people from my life at the first of 2024. The angst and feeling bad about myself is gone. I feel I did the right thing. I really don't miss her that much. I guess the relationship had gotten pretty toxic towards the end. I feel free.
Letting a toxic friend go is the best thing you can do for yourself. I knew I had to let one leave my life when I noticed that I dreaded her coming over. She loved to push all of my buttons and disrespected me in every way. My only regret is that I didn't draw the line much sooner. I'm sure she is the right friend for someone else but she just wasn't right for me in the end.
This is how I feel about my mother! - I love the idea that she might be the right mother for somebody else, just not for me😂❤ Maybe I can find a little more room for tolerance in that. Thanks for sharing!
@@susanlee8023 I laughed at this! My mum is challenging as well but I’ve often thought she seems like a good friend to other people
I totally understand, same thing happened to me. That dread manifested into illnesses and physical pain.
I was in a friendship like that. It was painful. You'll never get reciprocity, closure or validation from a person like that. I did a lot of work after that friendship ended. I realized I didn't actually like the person, I was just stuck in a familiar pattern. I found peace with as CC fairy says, understanding a person who is stuck in destructive pattern can't give you what you want. And I learned to move towards healthy people. I have found so many lovely, respectful, CALM souls since. Peace is a beautiful thing.
This letter struck a cord with me. I have a friend I'm trying to distance myself from. She's married with kids and has a great career. She's a good person, but over time her unmanaged trauma has made her toxic.
She snaps, she rages, she's super judgmental and I feel like I have to walk on eggshells. I also do not like how she treats her kids or talks to her husband. She's even screamed at me a few times which for me is a HUGE no no. She just gets dysregulated and goes buck wild. I friggen hate it. I've compassionately spoken to her about it several times but nothing changes. So I started distancing myself. BUT SHE WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE. It's obvious I've moved on but she feels so entitled to remain a priority in my life. She won't let the dynamic shift and she's been really manipulative in the process. I'm going to end up cutting her out of my life. And because she lacks awareness, she's going to end up feeling like a victim.
The author of this letter has the same energy. And I know my friend would have similar negative things about my single, free, lifestyle. In actuality, I'm doing great. I'm happy, I'm healed and my other relationships are thriving. I might be single, but single also means that I'm not tolerating an unhealthy partnership. I wish we could have heard both sides of this story because something tells me the author's friend might have some very enlightening things to say.
@@user-fm9dn1ce3c There's so much defensiveness here and I'm not personally attacking you. I didn't give you any feedback and I am allowed to make any comparisons and observations I want. I shared my experience because your letter (and now your response) is giving me the same vibe as my situation. Let people have their perspectives.
I've got a similar feeling 🥲
No. My friend raged at me one time, and two times, second time I completely blocked her, just ghosted her.
@@stacyjaye6350 Don't blame you.
I have a friend who recently " broke up " with one of her female friend. She was devastated and it took her a long time to get over it. From what I've seen my friend attached to her too much, expected from her to be always there for her, was jealous about her ( when she had other friends), manipulated her many times just to spend some time with her etc. My friend is single, has no romantic relationship and I think she located all of her focus and energy into this friendship and destroyed it by being too demanding, needy, clingy and toxic really. By the end of their friendship the other woman told her straight away " leave me alone" and my friend still couldn't get what is going on, she was fixated on her " obsession ", when she asked me about my opinion on that I told her that it was unhealthy on her part and only then she started to see what's happened 😢 she's lonely and clings to anyone with whom she can be "close" , I can see when she's trying that on me but I keep my boundaries tight, I really like her and value our friendship but for me it's just a friendship, I want to feel free 😊
I think it’s fair that she comment on her friend’s behavior and she has every right to have an opinion and voice it to her friend. In my opinion it would be unethical for her not to. If I said nothing when someone I associate with treats others unethically, then, I’m an accomplice through complicity. However, it’s unrealistic to keep expecting her friend to change, since she has communicated this to her and she clearly has no intention of changing. I also think it’s fair to give her an ultimatum that if her friend continues to deceive and hurt others, she will have to leave, but she should mean it, and stick to that. I think it would be unethical to remain friends with someone who intentionally deceives and hurts others. As far as those circumstances go, in no way is this excessively critical of her friend. I cannot comment on whether or not she actually WAS excessively critical in any other way. I am in no way reading between any lines, however, and taking things at face value.
I gave up trying to say anything to anybody, simply because everybody never thought for any moment about my feelings when they kept saying that I had to change this and that, so I spent my whole life thinking that there was something wrong with me, but when I tried to tell them something that was bothering me, they would tell me that I should accept them the way they are, so I had to change, but they don't. So there's no problem anymore, I accept people the way they are, if I can't handle anymore, I simply let them go, if they come talk to me, I talk, but don't commit anymore. I'm really tired of trying to fix myself, to better myself, while people around me think they are perfect.
So true and on point
Yes. I was so tired of being gaslit, esp by my sister. I have new friends now.
I think the letter writer has a lot to deal with too and it's not only the friend, esp with all the "narcissism" buzzwords throughout the letter. That to me is a red flag.
Why is "narcissism" buzzwords a red flag to you? There is a lot of information about narcissism these days, and although some of it may be misused or misunderstood, when understood correctly, it can be enormously helpful to those who have had to engage with these types of individuals.
@@Naomi-vs1tlIt is a red flag when the label is thrown around for anyone who is simply selfish. It seems like it’s often used to quickly categorize someone in a conflict as an irredeemable villain (and by extension, the other party as 100% in the right)
The longer we have someone in our lives and the closer we are to them, the more they can hurt us. Sometimes it is just better to slowly distance ourselves from toxic people and stop initiating contact. If they reach out and contact us, we can be cordial to them, but only engage in small talk and always be "busy" if they want to get together. Be quick to forgive and move on. After awhile, they will stop all contact. Our peace of mind is more important than trying to salvage a relationship that is not in our best interests.
Great vid. Thank you, Ms. Anna. Always awesome advice!
I can relate a lot with this. I had a friend that drinks and practices ONS and used to just come and go with so called work travell. She would go without contacting me for months and the suddenly appear and wanna hang out. I stated my needs of stability and consistency a few times until I decided to cut her off. I did it via text - not the best way - I know. But I wanted to avoid getting vulnerable and gaslit for no reason. I explained to her my reasons and she said she respected my decision but there was no feeling sorry or an intention of change in her behavior, not even verbally. We had a few positive experiences together and felt sorry for a while for cutting her off since I don't have many friends anyway. But now that I heard this video I think I did the best thing somehow. She used to tell me about her hookups and she was ok with dating married men while also pretending to want to know more about therapy and religion just to get under my skin. So for the lady in the video...a good friend tells the other one what is wrong with them as I did in my case - if they don't listen it is not an option for us to stay where we are used and mispercieved in our best intentions as a friend. We need to let them go.
This letter really rubbed me the wrong way 😅 I’ve observed similar situations secondhand where someone is in one breath is saying they’re sad their friend is pulling away, and in the other breath claiming their friend is narcissistic, selfish, and abusive.
Especially the part about how the friend was on a birthday trip, and the writer was mad she wasn’t immediately responding to her long letter of criticisms? Her friend definitely sounded flakey, but the writer sounded more selfish IMO.
This was such a timely video, Anna. Just last week, my friend of two years and I had a fallout. It got to the point where she kept saying things and poking at me. I understand that as a friend, you can point out faults so that the friend can get better, but she was doing it to the point where she was constantly making fun of me just to have a conversation. I would fall prey to it and make fun of myself so that we were entertaining each other, and it was really sad. There were many times where she shut down my dreams and my ability to manifest things and look towards the future. She would always have negative things to say about that, and even regarding my faith, she would try to counter it despite also being Christian.
Last week, she made a comment about an action I took, which is not important for this purpose, but she called me psychotic. We were on the phone, and I told her I'd call her back. I sent her a voice note the next day saying how I was tired with her saying things to me and not being mindful of her words. What I did was not psychotic; it was something I felt was part of my faith journey and brought no harm to anyone. It actually ended in a good result.
She then sent me a very long note saying how concerning I was and how she was worried about my behavior. She kept repeating the word "concern," which was funny because you mentioned that word in this video as well. She said that I wasn't being honest with myself. I'm a very honest person, and I tell her many things. It felt like she was projecting onto me. She said our friendship was getting exhausting and all these things. She didn't end it; I technically did by not responding. I just hearted the message and chose to leave the friendship where it is right now. I cannot bring anyone into the space of my healing journey that's going to constantly bring me backwards.
So, just for encouragement for anyone: not everyone who's in your life, despite bringing you comfort and love, is meant to go with you. The problem here is that I'm growing, and she isn't. I'm changing, and she isn't. I'm trying to become better, and she's staying the same. It's okay to say, "I love you, but It's time to let you go."
Its heartbreaking losing a relationship like that. Im sorry you had to experience it.
My ex best friend used the same exact words to me that I was exhausting. This was coming from my best friend that in one year had her cat of 18 years die her dad died, she went through a major surgery and her brother stole 100k from her inheritance. She was always leaning on me. And I was the exhausting one.
I understand a lot of what you're saying. You made me feel like I did the right thing when I severed ties of a 10 year friendship. The drama and gaslighting were too much. She made me feel bad about myself. And that's no kinda friendship. It's helps to hear that others face some of the same things. And I wasn't just being bitchy. I feel free now that we're not friends. Take care. Thank you for your comment.
@@Mysticalbooh aw wow thank you for your kind words
@@resilience_onward thank you so much for sharing your story and comment. I admire your courage and resilience moving forward from that relationship! I'm confident we will get the healthy and thriving relationships with others that we deserve
I did the same with my "friend". For me it was a 9 year friendship. I just couldn't do it anymore. Last night, I really learned that I don't really need permission to let go of abusive friendships. I'm free to change and evolve. With his energy gone, I'm beginning to regain my true self and true hope.
Thank you for sharing your story. It helped me.
I think this was a really interesting video and is an example of how sometimes we ignore red flags. The fact that she was living her life in a way that Elaine was not comfortable with was a red flag and it’s worth pausing at that moment and thinking do I really want to have a friendship with someone who lives their life this way? It’s ok if the answer is no. Then you can make the choice to leave the friendship. If you choose yes then you can’t expect your friend to change to live in alignment with your values. I think that’s where it gets murky. This is how we decide our own boundaries and who we want in our life.
Thank you for watching and sharing your insight with us.
Nika@TeamFairy
Great insight! And I would add: If you choose no then you can’t expect your friend to be the one to tell you the friendship is over. When you yourself are done, then you’re done, and you’re responsible for finding your own closure.
@@susanlee8023 yes definitely!
The letter writer is furiously venting. How much is true or an exaggeration we'll never know but expecting someone to change when you point out the qualities and the behaviours that you don't like about them because they don't match your expectations, will not endear them to you. You're attempting to control that person to make them into what you want when you want and how you want it. She is a sovereign human being.
Leave her be. Let her go. If she succumbs to you, she will lose her self.
@@user-fm9dn1ce3c I don't think your expectations were wrong, just that she couldn't meet them. I hope you will find friends who will be more than happy to meet them.
I went through the exact same experience with a so-called friend. After I distanced myself for 4 years, she contacted me out of the blue last year, trying to make fake arrangements then cancelling last minute. Her MO. She also put her flaky relationships with men before me which hurt. I called gave final goodbye, blocked her and never looked back.
I am thinking about letting go of a close friendship because we both get on each others nerves...
Such a heart-wrenching decision.
I truly hope you are able to work thru this with as little damage as possible. It's so hard to lose a good friend, especially when they've left you no other choice 😭💔
Wishing you all the best.
Love & Hope to you both 🕊❣️
I'm dancing that same line, too.... Always healthy to take a break to discern next steps. That's what I'm doing 😂 Maybe just reducing the intensity of contact/communication is enough to reduce the annoyances. But soemtimes permanent break/no contact is the only answer.
I'm learning that healing & strengthening is an ongoing task of refinement-softening some things and hardening other areas.
Such a good comment. ❤
Soooo synchronistic!! I just had an annoyance w a close, geographically distant friend, and THIS video pops into my phone 😂 Direct answer to my dilemma 🎉
I'm so glad the video was helpful! -Calista@TeamFairy
life is so damn complicated lol
This!!!
These two are not friends. Sounds more like "frenemies" and Elena seems to wear the victim hat well. Her friend is no angel either but these two just seem incompatible as friends. I question why the letter writer even wants to salvage this friendship. TBH the letter writer sounds like high maintenance.
I felt the same way as I listened to the letter. It feels like the writer wants to fix the friend and vented about everything ‘wrong’ about her but in situations like this it’s best to just let go if you have so many issues with someone who was supposedly your friend.
The writer sounds so clingy and controlling .
I'm so thankful for this one, Ana!
I recognised a really mismatched friendship in my life recently and felt stuck and energy sucked from it. Even getting quite down. I decided I needed things to change but didn't have the courage to do it with a heart to heart conversation (and kind of knew it wouldn't go down well). I called her on the phone and managed to whisper some of the things I was struggling with in our friendship. She didn't like it at all and instantly defended herself. I told her a few days later that I really needed to have some space, and she demanded to know what she'd done. That's when I chose not to go into it with her because I didn't want to point out her stuff. I had plenty of my own responsibility for getting into all this mess. I felt so awful for telling her I needed space without explaining the why very well in that first phone call. Looking back, I think that she's never had anyone really talk to her like that, where it's about how difficult it is to cope with her constant judgement and criticism. She kept demanding to know what she had "done" (but it was really about her attitude of non-stop gossip and criticism of everyone, incl me)
She told me whatever it was that I thought she'd "done", she could show me how it was actually my problem.
Long story short, she's not speaking to me now (we live in the same small village, but don't bump into each other very much)
I hate that she's hurting and is confused. I honestly dont feel it can help if I try to tell her what it was about (she'll tell me it's my fault for sure. Her defences are usually high but now they'll be sky high, i guess)
Bottom line...I could have been way better at the way I did it, but I'm just so so happy I freed myself out of that friendship.
Thanks for all the videos. You're very helpful!!!! Love and hugs
Thank you for sharing your experience with us. Glad Anna's video was helpful!
Nika@TeamFairy
Wow self resentment is a new idea to me. I need to chew on that one. I most certainly need to face that.
Glad you've watched it! Good luck on your healing journey!
Nika@TeamFairy
That is the most relatable video title I have ever seen. I think I have been every point of the compass. I have a private theory that for even the most stable relationship person, there are people or relationship contexts that trigger them (us) to learn better skills at relating. The softness that you mention is something I have observed in people I care deeply about - they seem to equally balance good boundaries and compassion. I have work to do to that end. and like you I have deep love and gratitude for those who have kept me (at a safe distance) in their lives in my flakier days and those who were wise enough to know my walking away without properly dealing with stuff was a reflection of me and not them. I'd wish the letter writer a 'celebration of the good times and a release in a way that might allow her good friend to return should that be a good thing in.the future. But, at least, an honouring for both that the friendship was worth fighting for. Always great perspectives here.
You are f****** amazing! When I was listening to the letter, I was just of the thought that she needs to ditch this awful person. But of course that's not helpful at all. The amazing number of amazing other insights you had that are all helpful about her and her friend just blew me away. I need you for my life coach:-)❤
Thank you for your kind words! I'm so glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Unless someone has gone through narcissistic abuse (parental/"friendship"/bosses, etc.) they will never understand the gaslighting, 'one-upping', lifetime of invalidation, flirting w/the guys you confided that u liked, complete lack of empathy, withholding support, entitlement, craving of narc supply through conflict & stirring up strife. The worst of their sins is that they affect how one views themselves (not good enough.) Trauma bonds are not love. I've quietly quit most of these - now dealing w/aging, verbally abusive, narc, dr alcoholic mother. Isolating is better before you do the work of healing people-pleasing & codependency. One thing w/alcholism in the family (esp. Mother), more painful/challenging when there is combined alcoholism, emotional neglect AND narcissistic personality disorder. Growing up where boundaries weren't safe (enmeshment) sets you up for a lifetime to possibly be a sitting duck for abusive narcissists.
I think I am the one people distance themselves from. Years of undiagnosed complex trauma and struggling to be stable.
I truly ❤you and am grateful for your work.🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾
Thank you for your kind words! I'm so glad the channel has been helpful :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I am feeling the loss of my model car building hobby.. sad😢..
I hear a lot of projection in the letter.
Why want to be friends whith a person that you do not share the same value/values? This îs The first question that pop înto my mind. Yes, you met, was fun and then you got to know her better. And YOU saw that you do not share the same values. So, go and find someone alse that does that. You are, în no way, thied with her... I had a friend for somme years that, when she revealed big parts of her (that she kept secret from me, and never ask me or some specialist for help) that whore wrong, i realizez that the person she was was not the person that i belived she was/that i had în my head. And just turn around and left. What happend also explained a lot of things that did not make sense before...
And my atepts to do something good for her child, i just stop them, because it was no chance to succed. And the damage was, already, done.
I would love to hear more about the in/out game. Mean girl energy has been strong this year lol.
Good Advice
Yeah my best friend changed. Idk how to stop talking to her totally i want to forget abt her.
Thank you for your channel. As a 61-year-old who's only recently encountered the term CPTSD following decades of therapy and eating anti-depressant, CPTSD seems to fit in as a correct diagnosis for me. I was abandoned by my parents and placed in an orphanage. My mother was unwell, but I had no way of understanding that as a 2-year-old. I was adopted when I was 4 and brought to another country. After finding the term CPTSD on yotube I suddenly could see the connection to the experiences from my early childhood. Relating to other people as an adult has been very difficult.
Sorry. I posted this in the wrong thread. I noticed it was entirely off topic.
No worries :) Glad you are here!
Nika@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thanks.
It just sounds like the writer of the letter is in a turnmoil because they are basing their expectations on a fundamental misunderstanding about how friendship works. Even in a romantic relationship it is difficult to set expectations, and agree what we owe each other, and expect the other one to change. But there’s next to no room for that in a friendship. It’s really a take it or leave it thing. Nobody centers their lives around any one of their friends. If they don’t reciprocate the energy you put in a friendship, if they are disrespectful of your time, if your values don’t align no nead to plead with them, try to change them, just focus your energy on people who are nicer to you, and deprioritise them. No need to break up with friends, just give them a part in your life that fits them. If they are nice to be around but flaky, don’t plan your day around them, but invite them to group events and if they show up, great, if they don’t, still great. If they are not even nice to you do you even like them? If not, just don’t invite them, no drama.
Not to get off the subject,I have decided to let my former hobby of model car building go because I have a short fuse and get very easily frustrated trying to build them due to my Traumatic Brain Injury -( TBI ).... I also feel less than because I cannot build model cars anymore and am really beating the crap out of myself and I feel that I am not good at anything... Sad😢...
It's understandable to be attached to something we enjoy & are good at. Always hard to let go. Changing life circumstances trigger valid grief, which needs to be honored. I'm confident that, as u let go of one thing, u will find another way to entertain & express yourself. Best wishes 💜
Sometimes I get frustrated with my hobbies. I was very depressed once and couldn’t even start a knitting project. Are you depressed? Maybe you can just take a break from model cars and try some different things that are a little easier or relaxing. Your job is to feel better and heal yourself not to be perfect 😊.
@@lillianbarker4292 I am trying a crossword puzzle book and a word search book to get me through the weekend...
Been There& Done that_ if it is not Joy( fump the Chump]!
Do any of you actually feel close to anyone? I had a situation where mine and my husbands best friends fell apart. I feel numb, hurt and resentful. The numbness is new. I don't have any desire to make friends anymore. I feel like i went back into my shell again
Thank you for sharing. I encourage you to try the Daily Practice (free course). It is a great way to process fears and resentment, and it can help with getting regulated. Give it a try if you haven't already!: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Nika@TeamFairy
If I do talk to a friend, I will say something like, "I'm only going to say this once..." Then I drop it.
Congrats on your weight loss. Just got your email about it.
Hello childhood fairy! ( Id rather not say crappy, cause youre the opposite!) I have a minor issue id love your thoughts on.
Ive started seeing a new psychiatric profressional and they are great. Its been a long ride to get here and i feel this person really understands and wants to help me. But they are so great i cannot help but feel a big deal of affection towards them, and i hate to have to tell them about my issues cause i want them to like me. Allthough im trying to be respectful and not let me being charmed by them affect my behavior. I understand that this is not a question of what if, but as you know the mind gets clowded when feelings gets in the way. Id like to keep this person in my life after the sessions and, we have only met twice so far. They are really productive and wants to help me going foward and ive not seen any signs of unproffesional behavior towards my emotions, id assume someone in their job is gonna see when someone is... Charmed by them? I guess its kinda common. I really need the help they can offer, but is it smart to keep seeing them? Should i tell them and give them a heads up so they can adjust to my badly placed feelings towards them? Or should i keep quiet and try push through? Id say there is a couple more sessions left with them. Thank you lovely childhood fairy! //Jo
❤🎉